Soul Searchings -------------------- Part 1: Heero -------------------- Why does it hurt so much? I'm supposed to be the perfect soldier; unfeeling and unflappable. But this hurts so much. We're in the middle of a war, people are dying all around us. We've even caused a few of those deaths. It's all part of being what we are. Military pilots. Special Forces. Terrorists. Take your pick. I guess it depends on what side you're fighting. All I know is that I always kept a barrier around my heart. I had to. If you start to care about people, it makes you hesitate, and that's something the Perfect Soldier simply cannot do. I've fought many battles, faced my own destruction several times. OZ is a formidable foe, and I've come closer to self-destruct on many occasions than my teammates would care to think about. None of that ever troubled me, however. Stuff like that doesn't bother you when you're born and bred to fight and die, and when all that matters, or so you believe, is the war and battles you fight. But sitting here now, at his bedside, waiting for the inevitable, is touching a part of me I worked all my life to put barriers around. If only I'd found him sooner. If I had just had the courage to tell him how I feel. Perhaps things would have been different. I take his hand. It is still warm and alive. But this will change soon. Hoping that he can hear me, I lean over and whisper the words that I could never say before, praying that I am not saying them too late. "I love you, Duo." -------------------- Part 2: Wufei -------------------- I stand in the doorway, watching Heero holding his hand, and realize I am the one who is at fault. If I hadn't left him when I did, if I had just been able to hold out a little longer, then maybe ... No, I cannot think about that. Too painful. I can't believe I feel so much pain. When my wife was taken from long ago, I thought I had cried all the tears I had left in me. So what is it that I feel stinging my eyes now? I understand how Heero is feeling and that makes my heart ache even worse. I was supposed to be guarding him. I failed him and now this is my fault. Duo... Heero... please forgive me. -------------------- Part 3: Trowa -------------------- Does he know what he's doing to me? To us? How can he hurt us this way? He claimed he was our friend, and yet this is hurting us more than every torture OZ has ever inflicted upon us combined. Why won't he open his eyes? He must know Heero is there. Heero's been there all night, holding his hand. The others are here, too. We've all been crying a bit. Heero will deny it, but he's been crying, too. It's no surprise. Heero loves Duo. We all do, but I suspect Heero loves him most of all. I think Heero would've proposed if it hadn't been for that Perfect Soldier nonsense. It's too bad he never did. Duo is going to be beautiful on his wedding day. I hope we get a chance to see it. Don't leave us, Duo. When we became pilots, we all vowed we would always be there for each other, whenever we were needed. You're still needed, so don't you dare leave us, Duo Maxwell. --------------------- Part 4: Quatre --------------------- I sit here in quiet meditation wondering to myself, why is life so cruel? What did we do to deserve to be punished this way? Isn't this what they do when children are bad? Take away something they love? Why are you taking Duo away, Allah? What did I do? Whatever it was, I take it back. Please, don't take him away. There's so much darkness and pain in this world. Don't take away the little bit of sunshine you've given us. Please, Allah, if you must punish me for something I've done to offend you, take my Space Heart, but please don't take Duo away. I feel a darkness, a cold chill in my soul, and know that my pleas are futile. He has come now. He whom we feared would come is here now. There is nothing any of us can do. -------------------- Part 5: Death -------------------- I've never collected anyone so beloved as this one. My heart, yes I have one, goes out to his four companions. Still, I must collect him. I enter his room, unseen, but not unfelt. The blond one senses me. I shrug it off. Some people can feel my presence. So be it. I look at him, lying there, and my heart skips a beat. He is more beautiful than I expected. I hesitate, then take a step forward. He looks at me and sees me. I was hoping he wouldn't. If they don't actually see you, it means they're not the one about to die. He says he knows why I've come, and that he didn't expect me to look so young and handsome. Damn those old Grim Reaper pictures! He asks for one last request. I expect him to ask to be spared or made immortal. So many do. He surprises me, however, and asks me to make love to him. I stare in shock. He not only is unafraid, he is offering himself to me as a lover. I shake my head, in regret, not refusal, and close my eyes as I reach out to embrace the one who stands before me so fearlessly. I kiss him and he responds with love and compassion. There is no revulsion, no fear as I lower him to the bed, covering his body with my own, and entering him as carefully as I can. We make love for a few minutes, and he whispers my name as I climax within him. I kiss him softly as I withdraw my body from his. He smiles, warmly, at me and I find myself enamored. He tells me he wishes he could've had more time with his friends. That as much as he enjoyed making love with me, he regrets having never found enough time to make love with Heero. "Do you think you could find the time if I gave you another fifty or sixty years?" I ask. What can I say? I'm sentimental. Besides, the world hasn't stopped needing him yet. -----Owari-----