Okay, after an extended break (explained in the author's notes at the
end), I'm back with this. It only took about 4 days for me to finish
this, but I think I did rather well.

Oh, and if I make anybody angry with the crosspost, sorry already.
Any flames will be seen as abuse, so don't even try that. Homie don't
play that.

z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z
MAGIC WARRIOR THEATER 3000 Episode 303: "Three Strikes"
Lemon MSTed by Pika-Screw (cubecutter@despammed.com <mailto:cubecutter@despammed.com>)

Disclaimers: Pokemon is copyright up to now by Nintendo, Creatures
Inc., and Game Freak. The anime dub is property of the Summit Media Group
and 4Kids Productions.  The whole damn thing comes from an idea by Satoshi
Tajiri.  Mystery Science Theater 3000 was the brainchild of Joel Hodgson,
and owned by Best Brains, Inc.  Magic: the Gathering is the creation of
Richard Garfield, and is distributed by Wizards of the Coast, a division
of Hasbro.  The Magic Warriors, Magic Warrior Theater 3000, and the
likenesses of the Warriors are property of me.

All other things mentioned are property of their respective owners.

"The Lust Virus: Bulbasquirtaction!" is property of Shadow (of
course), and he's God dang welcome to it! Oy, man!

This thing has lots of lemon content (this IS Shadow we're talkin'
about here), so you might want to turn back if you're not 18.
Hell, you have to.

Now that all that is finally out of the way, it's time to charge in
there and show this thing what you're made of!

Best Brains, Inc., and Wizards of the Coast present...

A ScruYuTu MSTing...

Love Theme from Magic Warrior Theater 3000
(obviously to the tune of "Love Theme from Mystery Science Theater
3000")
In the not-too-distant future,
Way down in Deep 13,
Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank
Were hatching an evil scheme.
They caught a kid by the name of Hood (that's me)
A Magic Warrior for the side of Good,
Their experiment needed a good test case,
So they signed up with Jerry Falwell
And shot him into space! (Get me down!!)
We'll send him cheesy fanfics,
The worst we can find, (la-la-la)
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And we'll monitor his mind. (la-la-la)
Now keep in mind Damian can't control
where the fanfics begin or end, (la-la-la)
He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his Warrior friends.
*Warrior Roll Call*
Stephen! (Death becomes you.)
Ricky! (Flame on!)
David! (Walk toward the light...)
Louuuuuuuuuuie! (It's insane.)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other science facts (la-la-la)
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,
I should really just relax,"
For Magic Warrior Theater 3000!

(Bridge. The Warriors are all playing instruments. They've just
finished practicing by playing Eminem's dark masterpiece "Kim"
[Marshall Mathers LP, track 16]. Stephen plays the violin, slowly
letting the music fade...)
DAMIAN: Man, my throat hurts.
LOUIE: Hey, you know loudness is a requirement for this song. And
you're the loudest of us.
DAMIAN: Yeah, but I...... HEY!
DAVID: See what he means?
RICKY: Guys! Camera!
DAMIAN: Just in time, too. We're the Magic Warriors. But, then
again, if you've been watching, you know that already. We were just
practicing. If we get home anytime, we might want to start a band.
STEPHEN: (putting his violin back in the case) Emphasis on "might".
RICKY: Y'know, it's been far too long since Doc F called. He must be
searching hard for something.
LOUIE: Now THAT worries me.
(The red MADs light flashes.)
DAVID: Does that?
LOUIE: Doesn't it?
(Louie hits the light.)
(Deep 13. Forrester is tinkering with something menacing. Usagi, now
looking quite well
along, is sobbing in the background.)
DR. F: Oh, hello, fine young cannabis smokers. Well, did you have a
nice vacation?
DAMIAN: We worried about you the whole time.
DR. F: You were worried about us?
RICKY: Well, about when you'd call...
DR. F: Oh, fun-ny. Well, it's time for the Invention Exchange. I'll
be going first, if you don't mind. This little thing I have here is my
"Twilight Zoner".  With one well-aimed blast, anyone afflicted by its
power will be sent into an alternate reality where things are really
messed up.
USAGI: (crying) He s-s-said I... waaaaaaaaaaah!
DR. F: She's the reason I'm activating this. Someone out on the
street said our dear little friend was putting on some weight.
Don't worry, he'll get his.
DAVID: Wow, Dr. F, I didn't know you cared.
DR. F: Well, I'm doing to make here feel better. Maybe she'll stop
crying. Well, let's see if it works!
(The bad doctor taps a few keys on a nearby computer console. The ray
makes a high-pitched noise as it charges, then blasts a black-and-white
ray out into the air. The ray bounces off a communications satellite,
hits a dish in the Pacific, caroms off ComSat 6, and smashes directly
into its target - a house in Minnesota. The house subsequently disappears.)
DR. F: Success!
USAGI: (regaining her composure) That ought to teach him to run his
mouth!
LOUIE: Wow, he made something that worked really well! (to the
Warriors) Guys, he must have found something really bad to feel so good...
STEPHEN: Okay, great. Well, our device is something useless but fun.
(He holds up a small, remote control-like device with a tiny satellite
dish on it.) This is our Fur-delizer. With it, we can make any human into
an anthropomorphic animal. Hood, wanna be our guinea pig?
DAMIAN: Not literally, but okay. Can you make me into a rat?
STEPHEN: Yep. (He fiddles with the device's buttons.) Here it comes.
Guys, don't look directly at the beam! (He blasts a bright green beam
at Damian. The glow blocks out everything on the screen. When the light
subsides, Damian is a large rat. He has big fangs, claws, and a long,
pink tail.) Ha! It worked!
DAMIAN: Great! Now how do you reverse it?
STEPHEN: ... oops.
DAMIAN: Don't tell me you didn't put in a reversal function.
STEPHEN: That's what I wanted to do with it! Thanks for reminding me,
Hood!
(Damian looks like he's ready to snap.)
RICKY: Take cover!
DAMIAN: You idiotic Edison! You fucked-up Frankenstein! Now what do
I do?
LOUIE: Don't worry, I tried it out. The effect wears off in a couple
hours.
DAVID: Quick, Rick! Pick up all the D-Con before he poisons himself!
(All the Warriors [except Damian], plus Dr. F and Usagi have a hearty
laugh at this.)
DAMIAN: (makes an angry sound, like a hiss) Remind me to leave
something in your food!
DR. F: Ha-ha-ha-hooooo! Ah-ha-ha... Heh. Oookay. Anyway, about your
experiment, Maniac Mouse Club...
USAGI: Your old friend is back, with something that tops even the last
two things.
STEPHEN: Azrael?
DR. F: Much, much worse. It's...
RICKY, DAVID, and DAMIAN: SHADOW?!
USAGI: Wow, three of them got it. What did they win?
DR. F: A fresh pile of lemon! Send it!
USAGI: What do I look like?
DR. F: I was hoping you'd learn to send experiments, so we could both
teach Frank.
USAGI: Well, what do I do?
DR. F: It's already loaded. You just press that red button marked
"SEND".
USAGI: Like this? (presses the button)
(On the SOM, lights and klaxons go off and the Satellite rumbles.)
DAMIAN: Great, now we have another to blame for CRAP SIGN!

(They run to the theater.)

(Door sequence: Dog Bone first, then...
6: A camera lens slides open.
5: A huge computer mainframe lowers, but only after you trigger a
nearby computer console.
4: You see a barred door. It opens once you lift a pot and find a switch.
3: You see a normal door. You reach to open it, but it slides open due
to a Severnaya guard on the other side. You take out your Klobb and fill
him with lead.
2: A drawbridge. You step on the switch to lower it, but it rises
after you step off. You draw a grunt to the switch, then kill it and
rush across.
1: Only a rusty old door stands between you and the theater. You open
it, only to find dataDyne, NSA, and Skedar grunts all gunning for you.
You grab your Cyclones, load them, and start ventilating. Now, at long last...)

(Theater. The Warriors scramble to sit down, ending up in this order:
Ricky, David, Damian, Stephen, Louie.)

>The Lust Virus: Bulbasquirtaction!

DAMIAN: Even THAT sounds gross. We're in for a time here!

>(Thanks to TIASIAN for the title. Am I ever gonna think them up myself?)

RICKY: Think you can?

>Down by the docks, Slim Pickins, PI, was looking for clues. He needed
>to find the legendary golden rooster and return it to its rightful owner,
>otherwise he'd lose his kidney.

STEPHEN: Lemme guess, he'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice?

>Having lost his first kidney in a Mexican dog fight, he really needed to keep this one.
>"Hey Bob," Slim called, "You see anything?"

DAVID: (Bob) Yeah, but why should I tell you?

>A voice in his gut replied, "Yeah, I see you've been hitting the sauce again, Slim."
>"That's none of your business, Bob!" Slim snapped.

LOUIE: I would think it is.

>"Sorry, Slim," his liver said, "But I'm worried."

DAMIAN: You and the rest of humanity.

>Slim patted his gut. "Don't worry, Bob, I won't let them take you away!"
>"That's the spirit, Slim!" Slim's heart said enthusiastically.
>"Yeah, we're gonna crack this case!" his small intestine joined in.

RICKY: If any other parts start talking, I'm just gonna crack.

>"Slim?" a low voice interrupted from below the waist, "When are we gonna get laid again?"

RICKY: Specifically that...

>Alright, I think that's quite enough of the private dick and his talking
>penis searching for the golden cock. Let's move on to our real story.

STEPHEN: Oh, please, no...

>***

DAVID: ...for once, I've no good divider jokes...

>Back in the dark corner in Cerulean City, there still stood something so
>horrible, so unspeakable, blah blah blah, yada yada, kitty-cat, warehouse,
>let's get on with it, shall we?

LOUIE: My, I do believe someone didn't have his Minute Maid today.

>Inside the warehouse, Dr. Lustidick was back to watching football to pass
>the time until his latest experiment finished cooking.

DAMIAN: He was trying out new bouillabaisse recipes.

>It wasn't a Packers game, but it was better than the Wishbone marathon on PAX TV.
>Ms. Jugglesworth was watching Dragon Ball Z on her own rental television
>and masturbating while watching a shirtless Goku and Vegeta get it on!!

RICKY: Really now, could we just get a cold shower for her?

>"Ohhh...." she moaned, "Oh, Vegeta...." Her fingers moved rapidly over
>her cunt, pumping her love box three fingers at a time. With her left
>hand she pinched her clit, sending waves of pleasure through her as
>Vegeta punched Goku through a mountain.

STEPHEN: This time, I'll refrain from any "mount" jokes.

>The Saiyan prince began charging his Gatlit Gun just as Ms. Jugglesworth climaxed. "Go,
Vegeta, kick his ass!" Ms. Jugglesworth screamed as the Gatlit Gun was
released, and

DAVID: Promptly ran into the woods and was trapped by a poacher.

>the stacked blonde experienced her second orgasm.
>Minutes later, after she had come down from her climax, Vegeta was
>transforming into the giant ape, and the good Ms. Jugglesworth

LOUIE: "Good"? In comparison to...?

>came harder than ever before.
>Finally Dr. Lustidick couldn't stand it anymore, and switched off her
>TV. "Ms. Jugglesworth!" he snapped at her. "Please compose yourself.
>We have work to do!"

DAMIAN: Can we be sure he's not on our side?

>The assistant quickly composed herself, replacing her panties, bra,
>pants, shirt, and basically her entire outfit, which she had ripped off

RICKY: A la classic Hulk Hogan.

>while Vegeta had toasted Nappa. "Sorry, doctor," she apologized, "I'm ready now."

STEPHEN: (Dr. L) Okay, just stand on that big red bulls-eye over there
and I'll press this button... oh, there may be a slight ringing in your ears;
you won't be anywhere near them, though.

>he doctor nodded approvingly. "Good, then let's begin." They walked over to the table in the
>middle of the room and inspected the large beaker in the middle. "It's almost done," Dr.
>Lustidick observed.
>"Why are we back in this world anyway, doctor?" Ms. Jugglesworth asked.

DAVID: (Dr. L) It's convenient to the plot.

>"Because I've discovered psychotropic substances in this world that will help us create a
>better Lust Virus."
>The assistant glanced around nervously. "I swear, I was only holding that stuff for Fabio..."

STEPHEN: I shouldn't have said anything, really. Now it's a running
gag.

>"What stuff?" the doctor asked, confused. "I was talking about the mushrooms growing near
>here."

LOUIE: They make him see these little goblins that like to jump off
tables and splatter on the floor.

>Ms. Jugglesworth straightened up. "Right, right, that's what I was talking about. Fabio was
> going to make me some cream of mushroom soup."

DAMIAN: I'll assume we don't wanna know about the "cream" part of
that... eeeew.

>"Right...of course." The doctor nodded, then decided the virus was done cooking and extracted
>it. "It is time to begin the next experiment!"

RICKY: (Dr. L, as Dr. F) Push the button!

>Ms. Jugglesworth watched as the doctor removed the tiny organism from its beaker. "You know,
>doctor, you've been a lot more composed since you stole that Tai kid's goggles."

STEPHEN: Oh, now, that was cruel. That's as bad as stealing Johnny
Bravo's shades.

>"Yes, I must remember to thank him," the doctor said idly, "right after I moon him and taunt
>him with pointy sticks."

DAVID: Dr. L must've been a real ass in school.

>***

RICKY: Wrong character for an ellipsis.

>Elsewhere, in the Digital World, the eight digidestined were trying to console a very
>distraught Tai. 'Distraught' meaning crying like a little baby and throwing a temper tantrum.
>Along with them were the two IBI agents who were trying to figure out what happened.

LOUIE: Not them again.

>"Can you tell us what happened?" asked Skully, blatantly stealing from the narrative.

DAMIAN: A fanfic that nearly kills its own fourth wall. Niiiice.

>Tai just screamed. "Waaaahh!!"
>"I think that's a no," Molder observed.
>"It's also a 'waaaahh'," said Skully.

RICKY: Gee, ya couldn't tell?

>"I know what happened!" Sora interjected. "Some guy in a lab coat ran up to us and asked if we
>wanted to see something seven inches long and hard. Then he started throwing frozen carrots at
>us, swiped Tai's goggles, and ran away!"

STEPHEN: I have to admit, that one's good.

>"Waaaahh!!" Tai wailed. "I need my goggies!! They hold all my super powers!!"

DAVID: (Tai) I can make people cringe because my eyes look all wonky
through them!

>"I think we've discovered a new level of stupidity," Skully whispered to Molder.
>"Don't be so sure," Molder said, "the new Digidestined haven't shown up yet."

LOUIE: Well, this must be why these two are still on this case - they
have foresight.

>"Uh, sir?" Mimi called to Molder. "Can I ask why you're not wearing any clothes?"

DAMIAN: (pained) Not again...

>Molder just seethed for a while, then Skully whispered to him, "I'm tired of this, Molder.
>Let's just go see *my* tailor."

RICKY: (Skully) He gives you 20% off if you give him a bl-
DAVID: No stooping.
RICKY: Raspberries.

>Molder grumbled his affirmation, and they hurried off, leaving the Digidestined to try to find
>a new pair of goggles before Tai had a hissy fit.
>***

STEPHEN: La-la-la, connect the dots...
LOUIE: It's been done.

>Back in the lab, Dr. Lustidick was trying to get his latest Lust Virus to stop a lawsuit
>against him for third-degree burns from the cooking it had undergone. Just as the organism was
>signing the affidavit against Lustidick, the good doctor bashed it over the head with a
>ballpeen hammer in a loving tribute to the three stooges.

DAMIAN: Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!

>The resounding *ping*, *ping*, *splat* echoed off the walls of the warehouse, and joyous
>canned laughter filled the room.

RICKY: Canned nothing, that really was funny!

>At the same time, Ms. Jugglesworth was phoning her personal psychiatrist to see the virus and
>figure out what was wrong with it.

DAVID: It's in this. 'nuff said.

>After a few minutes, however, the virus floated up, out of sight of the doctor or his
>assistant, and flew out the window, nutty as the proverbial squirrel.

LOUIE: Not as nutty as Conker, I'm sure.

>It flew many miles, searching for the right person to infect, like an X-rated Homeward Bound.
>Just as Disney was casting Michael J. Fox for the role of the virus, Farrah Fawcett as Ms.
>Jugglesworth,

DAMIAN: (TV announcer) And Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.

>and Weena Mercator as The Hopping Woman, it found its target!

RICKY: It zoomed in, only to find it was trying to infect a mannequin.
D'oh.

>***
>Somewhere on that wonderful little planet that holds all those cute and fuzzy and sexy pokémon

STEPHEN: Say that again? Did I hear that last one correctly?
LOUIE: It said "sexy", Fogs. Get used to this.
STEPHEN: I wish you hadn't told me that.
LOUIE: Ah, wish in one hand, crap in the other, and see which fills up first.

>was a forest on the outskirts of Vermillion City. And in that forest were cute and fuzzy
>animals, moderately cute bugs, and for the sake of moving things along,

DAVID: It all exploded?

>a kawaii male Vulpix cub. Now, this Vulpix cub had been born in the wild and had wandered away
>from his pack after chasing after a guy with a hamburger for three miles (will we never learn,
>people?!)

LOUIE: I haven't learned anything for quite a while now.

>Anywho, this Vulpix, whose name was Kin, was now very much alone, and was now looking for
>food.

DAMIAN: Why not just bite the guy with the burger?

>He had little experience foraging for himself, but his internal instincts pushed him to try to
>survive.

RICKY: But, sadly, the Tribal Council had voted him off.
DAVID: (Jeff Probst) The tribe has spoken.

>Unbeknownst to him, however, the newest Lust Virus had taken residence in him. Being a very
>small virus,

STEPHEN: It didn't realize a Caterpie had run it over.

>Kin didn't notice it as it entered his bloodstream through the only available opening in the
>young cub. Don't make me tell you about it in detail, I don't have time and you don't have the
>stomach for it.

DAVID: Boy, he nailed that one right on the nose.

>Getting back to the story, all around Kin the forest was alive with activity. The Beedrils
>were buzzing, the Pidgeys were singing, the Nidorans were panting. Eh??

LOUIE: Our friend has a Nidoran obsession or something...

>Kin sniffed the air and caught a thick, sickly-sweet scent.

DAMIAN: His Evade rating fell from the move.

>He followed the scent and caught sight of two Nidorans together. The male was lying on top of
>the female and looked like he was trying to jump over her.

RICKY: Jump! Jump! Jump! (thinks for a second) What am I saying?!

>They were both making tiny panting noises in rapid succession. They had almost a pained look
>on their faces, but they didn't look like they had any intention of stopping.

STEPHEN: Ah, they're playing a game of Chicken.

>Kin looked closer and saw the male Nidoran's bright red penis thrusting in and out of the
>female, glistening with the female's fluids and its own lubrication.

DAVID: But how in the world would it hold the K-Y tube?

>*So this is what mating is,* Kin thought to himself. He'd seen his parents doing something
>like this a few days before he got lost. One of his older brothers told him it was 'mating',
>something pokémon did

LOUIE: In daycare.

>when they wanted offspring.
>Kin continued watching the pair for a minute, noticing an odd sensation
>between his rear legs.

DAMIAN: He's a little young for that, don't you think?
DAVID: What, you mean excitement?
DAMIAN: Oh, gee, I thought he meant incontinence...

>As he listened to them moaning in unison, he became aware of another moan, out of sync with
>the two. He glanced in the direction of the third sound, noticing a Pikachu sitting in a tree
>to his right.

RICKY: Kin called to the Pikachu, and it fell out of the tree, landing
on the ground hard.
DAVID: What, does that mean it's like Azrael?

>It was another male, sitting on a low branch with his back pressed against the tree trunk. His
>eyes were half-open and

STEPHEN: Rolled back in his head. An obvious altered state of
consciousness.

>watching the action between the two Nidoran, his tiny paws rubbing on his thing, which was
>sticking up, red and proud. Kin looked down between his legs and noticed his own tiny penis
>was sticking out of its sheath and felt quite hard. He tried to look back up at the Pikachu,
>but his head was so low it pressed against the ground and scraped along the dirt
>as he moved it.

DAVID: I'll not ask which head...

>In a reflex action, his front legs bent and he leaned forward, and suddenly he flipped over
>and landed hard on his back, getting the wind knocked out of him.

LOUIE: Actually, it knocked some of his fire out, causing a small
forest fire.

>The Pikachu heard the dull *thump!* as Kin hit the ground and noticed he wasn't alone.

DAMIAN: (hushed voice) We are not alone...

>He jumped down from the tree and padded over to the motionless Vulpix, walking on his tip-toes
>as to avoid scraping his erection on the ground.
>"Hey, are you alright?" the Pikachu asked.

RICKY: (Kin, as Azrael [see ep. 301]) No, I just fell. Of course I'm
okay!

>It took Kin a moment to get enough air to speak. "I'm...*cough* I'm fine. *coughcough*

STEPHEN: (Kin) Well, except for this slight asthma attack I'm having.

>Umm..." Kin noticed the Pikachu was staring at his crotch. "Uh, what were you doing up there?"

DAVID: (Pikachu) I was going to find a vine and do my "George of the
Jungle" impression.  Whaddya think I was doing?

>he asked curiously.
>The Pikachu grinned sheepishly. "Uh...heh...just enjoying the view, you could say."

LOUIE: You could say, but maybe he doesn't want to.

>He motioned over to the two Nidoran, who were still going at it. The Pikachu glanced back at
>Kin. "I guess you were having fun too."

DAMIAN: Yeah, if you call slamming into the ground fun.

>"Um...not really," Kin said slowly. "Not like you were."
>The Pikachu made another embarrassed grin, which quickly went away when
>he saw how big Kin's cock was.

RICKY: I'll leave the rooster jokes to Shadow from now on.

>Laying on the cub's stomach at three inches long and an inch in diameter, which was quite big
>for a Vulpix, especially one so young. "You need some help?" the Pikachu finally asked.

STEPHEN: (Kin) Nah, I can carry all this on my own.

>"I'd appreciate it," replied Kin.
>The Pikachu extended a paw, but much to Kin's surprise, the rodent gripped his firm penis and
>pulled it upright.

DAVID: Yyyyeow, that looks like it hurts!

>The young Vulpix didn't know exactly what the Pikachu was doing, but he wasn't exactly in a
>position to complain, so to speak.

LOUIE: Then I have to ask, what position WAS he in?

>Still, Kin managed an "Uhh..." as the Pikachu moved his paws up and down the vulpine's shaft.
>Little bolts of electricity shot through his penis, introducing him to entirely new
>sensations.

DAMIAN: Well, pain shouldn't seem so new to him...

>Unconsciously he started thrusting his hips into the air, matching the Pikachu's motions

RICKY: To have a mistrial declared.

>on his cock. He could hear himself whimpering quietly as the muscles in his body went weak as
>a stronger sensation quickly overtook him.

STEPHEN: That's called "shame", son. Get used to it.

>His balls contracted and he let out a shriek as he felt an explosion in his cock just before

DAVID: It blew up like a bratwurst in a microwave.

>some warm liquid splattered on his chest.

LOUIE: Now, this is a fine example of surface tension causing liquid
to explode. See? It's not an urban legend! I told you, Hood.
DAMIAN: I don't think that's what it means. I'll look that up later,
anyway.

>"How was that?" the Pikachu asked coyly.

DAMIAN: (Kin) Terrible! You could have retracted your claws, at
least!

>Kin didn't say anything at first. "That was...good," he finally mumbled.
>The Pikachu glanced down and noticed Kin's exposed rear end, and had a sudden desire to
>take his still-erect member and

RICKY: Make that boy squeeeeeeeeal like a piggie! Squeeeeee!
Squeeeeee!

>thrust it inside the Vulpix' puckered hole. The look on Kin's face, though, told him it

STEPHEN: Would cost him some fur and skin.

>might not be the right time. "Are you okay?" the Pikachu asked.

DAVID: If only they knew what we said before we said it, they wouldn't
open themselves to the same damn joke again!

>Kin was still a little dazed. "Uh...yeah, sure." Kin rolled over and

LOUIE: Played dead.

>pushed himself to his feet, his erection rescinding into his sheath. "Do you know where my
>family is?"
>The Pikachu blinked. "Are you lost?"

DAMIAN: (Kin) No, I just don't know where I am.

>"Yeah," Kin admitted sheepishly, "I got separated from my pack."
>The Pikachu thought for a second, then said "You should go see the Ninetales who lives in the
>mountains north of here. He tracks all the Vulpix packs in the area."
>"Okay, thanks!" Kin said cheerfully. He turned around and headed north, guided solely by the
>sun, and the man holding the giant compass next to him.

RICKY: Hm, bad visual puns in text. Funny.

>As the Pikachu watched Kin walk away, he was suddenly aware that he hadn't cum yet. Oh well,
>maybe the Nidorans needed a third...

STEPHEN: I dunno, but I think I might need a fifth.

>***

DAVID: (carnie) Three shots, two bits! Step right up! Win a prize
for getting all three!

>Some amount of time later that I am not willing to specify because it would be detrimental to
>the objective of writing a shitty lemon so if a train left Chicago at 7:00 AM and

LOUIE: We severed the brake lines at 7:04...

>arrived in Philadelphia at 12:00PM how much longer am I going to continue this run-on
>sentence?

DAMIAN: Right up to there, apparently.

>And are there really people who get off on word problems, or is it just you?

RICKY: No, I get off on off-ramps.

>Oh yeah, lemon! So anyway, Kin was heading north, and he was seeing a lot of sights along the
>way. There was a bridge, and a bush, and a tree...now a tree with urine on it...now a very
>angry Exeggutor who just got peed on by a Vulpix...

STEPHEN: Now an Exeggutor that's happy it stomped the Vulpix that
pissed on it...

>aw, let's skip this.
>Moving right along, Kin eventually came to a clearing in the woods where he found four
>shirtless humans riverdancing around a flaming pile of human/animal excrement, Kin couldn't
>tell which.

DAVID: Not these guys again! It was bad enough they took up a quarter
of the last one.

>Kin hid in the bushes on the outskirts of the clearing and listened to the four men converse
>with each other.
>"How long are we supposed to do this?" the first asked.

LOUIE: Until Shadow fires your asses, or until you all die, whichever
occurs last.

>The second replied, "Our employer said to keep dancing till the Hounds from Hell arrived to
>rape and ravage the corpse till his every orifice was dripping with acidic sperm, and his
>testicles are violently ripped off his crotch, ingested by the hounds, and shitted out into
>his half-burned mouth."

DAMIAN: My, but he gives some good descriptions of what he'd like to
have happen. Too bad it won't...

>(You think I'm taking my hate of Tracey too far? Maybe just a little...)

RICKY: (very sarcastic) No, not at all. Keep going...

>Kin didn't understand a good deal of that, but he got the gist there was something bad going
>on.
>"Hey, there's a Vulpix!" another of the humans called.
>"You think that counts as a Hound of Hell?" the fourth asked.
>"Whatever gets us paid faster," the first said as he stopped dancing.
>"Let's get out of here."

STEPHEN: Lazy-ass unionized assassin/dancers...

>Kin decided to get the hell out of there as well...he could've sworn he saw something moving
>under the pile of excrement...
>***

DAVID: (as Casey Kasem) Keep your feet on the ground, and keep
reaching for the stars!

>If this lemon moved any slower, I'd win the 1958 award for shittiest writing. Anyway, Kin was
>moving right along, going to the north and trying not to think about his penis, which had
>returned to it's rock- hard state about an hour ago, and had remained so up to this moment.
>Next moment: limp. This moment: hard. Next moment: limp. This moment:

LOUIE: Gone! Lorena Bobbitt strikes again!

>Okay, I should stop that. Kin was moving north, and I was really slow in getting to the point,
>when suddenly Kin happened upon two pokémon who were standing around in the brush. Again Kin
>hid behind a bush,

DAMIAN: Well, we know he's at least bi. He likes bush.
DAVID: So help me, I'll maul you for that.

>not wanting to disturb the pair. He saw the two pokémon were two rare types his mother had
>told him about: an Espeon and an Umbreon.

DAMIAN: *eyes go wide* Get me that Umbreon!
LOUIE: Don't you already have one?
DAMIAN: *back to normal* Yeah, but I want more...

>The Umbreon had its head stuck between the Espeon's legs and appeared to be grooming it.

RICKY: If that's grooming, then dress me up as a Pikachu and leave me
with Blue's sister!

>The Espeon was moaning loudly, which seemed very strange to Kin.
>He watched as the two pokémon lapped between each other's legs, both moaning loudly. Kin
>noticed they didn't have penises like him, so they must've been 'girls'.

STEPHEN: He promptly ran, hoping to avoid "cooties".

>There were other girls in his pack, but he didn't socialize with them much, except for his
>mother, of course.

DAMIAN: Y'mean like our human friend Ash? (The others glower at him)
What?

>The sounds they were making were the same as the Nidoran, but since they were both girls, Kin
>didn't see how they could be mating.
>As he watched, he felt his erection throbbing almost painfully. The contrast between the
>Espeon's light purple fur and the black of the Umbreon seemed to excite him. That, and the
>loud moaning and the licking of the small pink slit between the Espeon's rear legs.

RICKY: (Prof. Frink) And the glaven-hyven-foyven-gahey!

>It was a strange combination that sent tingly feelings all through him. He looked down between
>his legs at his red penis and thought back to the Pikachu he met. Kin decided he wanted to
>try what the Pikachu was doing, so he moved his front paw toward his throbbing cock.
>Unfortunately, he couldn't stand very well on three legs, and tipped over.

STEPHEN: Boy, who dropped him on his head when he was born?

>He landed with a *thump* on his back again, his erect member displayed for all the world to
>see... *again*. This was a bad habit he either had to get rid of, or figure out how he could
>make people touch his thing every time he did it.
>Now if only quitting smoking worked like that...

DAVID: What, he knows from experience?

>Not to advocate for the tobacco industry, but when Kin fell over, he landed on a dry twig that
>snapped loud enough for the two nearby pokémon to hear. So that would make a *thump* and a
>*snap*...interesting. Add in some sodium chloride, and you'd have a cure for cancer.

LOUIE: We could only hope.

>As for the Espeon and Umbreon, they quickly found Kin, and they weren't too happy to see him.
>"You pervert!" the Espeon shouted. "You were spying on us, weren't you?!"

DAMIAN: (Kin) No, I was taking pictures and spying. See the camera?

>"I oughta knock you into next week!" the Umbreon threatened.
>Kin just moaned. "Uhh..." He was still a little dazed from the fall.

RICKY: (Kin) I gotta learn to balance myself better.

>"Look at that, his thing is sticking out!" the Espeon said, appalled.

STEPHEN: Ah, it ain't nothin' you ain't seen before...

>"That's disgusting!" the Umbreon exclaimed, gagging slightly.
>Then the lemon gods decided the sex wasn't gonna get here any faster this way and hurried
>things along a bit.

DAVID: Thank those gods.

>The Espeon took another look at Kin's (insert phallic reference here)

LOUIE: Ah, his thesaurus must be broken.

>"Well..." she said slowly, "I guess we could take it as a compliment."

DAMIAN: You heard the narrative! Get on wit' it!

>"Yeah..." the Umbreon agreed, "none of the boys back home ever talk to us."
>Kin mumbled, "Uh..." This time he was just confused as to what was going on.

RICKY: Him, us, and everyone else.

>Lesbianism was something entirely new to him. Hell, he didn't even know the meaning of the
>word. In fact, he didn't know the word at all. I'll get back to the sex now.

STEPHEN: Could you? You were the one that said it should be sped up.

>The Espeon bent down and slowly moistened her lips, then licked Kin's penis from the base to
>the tip. Kin damn near jumped out of his fur

DAVID: Actually, he did jump out of it. Gruesome sight, too.

>at the sensations that burst forth from his cock. The Espeon made another lick, and again Kin
>almost yelped out loud in pleasure.
>"Hey, it's my turn!" the Umbreon exclaimed. The Dark-type bent down and pulled Kin's tool
>upright, then

LOUIE: Started to strike the nail in the board with it.

>took the tip in her mouth. Without warning, she swallowed up half of the six-inch monster and
>sucked harder than a vacuum that was souped up by Tim Allen.

DAMIAN: (Tim Allen) Looks like she's got more power! Arr! Arr! ARR!

>Kin shouted in surprise and pleasure, scaring off some nearby Pidgeys and arousing the nearby
>Ratattas. Instinctively he humped into the Umbreon's mouth, almost gagging the Dark-type as
>the entire length of Kin's large member was shoved down her throat.

RICKY: (valley girl accent) Gag me with a... (normal) wait, I don't
want to finish that...

>She quickly recovered, however, and started sucking in earnest.

STEPHEN: Much like this, eh?
LOUIE: No stooping, we said.

>She swiped her tongue all over the throbbing prick, feeling her cunt become wet as she
>continued blowing the vulpine.
>As the Umbreon blew Kin, the Espeon moved behind her friend and started licking the
>Dark-type's pink pussy.

DAVID: Now, y'see, that's what Chibi-Usa's kitten should've looked
like... sorta.

>The Psychic-type started licking up all her friend's juices, causing the Umbreon to moan
>around Kin's member.
>Of course, Kin, being a very young and inexperienced Vulpix, blew his load in about twenty
>seconds.

LOUIE: What, does he think this is a rodeo?

>The Umbreon didn't have time to swallow as Kin's sperm was fired straight into her stomach.
>She pulled herself off of Kin's penis and pushed her bottom into the Espeon's face, bringing
>herself closer to climax with the help of the Lust Virus. Kin didn't know what
>was going on,

DAMIAN: No surprise there, folks.

>but he knew the sight of the two pokémon was making him all tingly again. His penis was
>withdrawing into his sheath, but the sight before him was nonetheless interesting.

RICKY: It's like a train wreck - you don't want to stare, but you
can't look away.

>The Espeon licked faster, darting her tongue in and out of the twat before her. She rubbed the
>Umbreon's clit with her paw, not noticing as Kin rolled over and picked himself up. "Uh, I
>gotta go," Kin mumbled, carefully moving away as to not disturb the two girls. As much as he
>was enjoying watching them, he had to find his pack.

STEPHEN: Good to know he worked a plot into this, at least.
LOUIE: Whoa, the doors are open!
DAMIAN: Good, I'm getting a little bit beady-eyed... let's go.

(They exeunt.)

(Bridge. Damian is standing around, nibbling cheese like an average
rodent.)

DAMIAN: Good cheese.

(In the darkness behind him, we see a pair of eyes. The eyes are
glowing yellow, and have vertical slits for pupils. They watch Damian intently...)

DAMIAN: (looking back) Uh-oh...

(Out of the darkness jumps... a cat! Well, it's actually Louie, who's
been turned into a cat.  He pounces on Damian and gives a low growl,
like he's defending himself form something that wants to take his food.)

LOUIE: Did I scare ya?
DAMIAN: Hb-b-b-b-b! Hebehebehebe...
LOUIE: I'll take that as a yes.

(Louie gets up, leaving Damian on the ground, gibbering like an
idiot.)

LOUIE: Jeez, it's not like I'm gonna eat ya.
DAMIAN: (does his best Shemp Howard impression)

(Stephen, now a spider, skitters in on 4 of his legs.)

STEPHEN: Hey, guys. What's with Hood?
LOUIE: (pausing to occasionally wash himself with his tongue) Oh, I
just... pounced him...he's scared out of his fur.
DAMIAN: (comes to his senses) Whoa, that was bad - GAAAAAAAAH! Giant
spider! (retreats to a wall)
STEPHEN: Boy, and I thought cats were jumpy.

(Ricky, now a dog, trots in. He immediately spots Louie.)

RICKY: Cat!! Oh boy-oh boy-oh boy-get the cat!!

(Ricky gives chase to Louie. Louie yowls and runs, running directly
towards Damian. He runs, thus causing a cartoonish chase a la Tom and Jerry.
As they run around, the red MADs light flashes.)

STEPHEN: (becoming increasingly irritated) Guys... guys... GUYS!

(The three don't listen. Stephen taps the button with one of his legs.)

STEPHEN: Yeah, what is it?

(Deep 13. Usagi is napping peacefully, while Dr. F checks various
monitors with official-looking displays. As the conversation continues,
loud barking, meowing, and squeaking can be heard in the background.)

DR. F: Oh, hello again. I... Pfff... heh heh heh heh heh... (bursts
out laughing)
STEPHEN: What?
DR. F: It looks like you have a situation on your, uh, hands... so,
why the cartoon in the background?
STEPHEN: Oh, they've been trying out the invention I made.
DR. F: Well, I called to tell you that you might not be following the
schedule I had laid out.  A small part of my lemon, fanfic, and spam
database was destroyed a couple weeks ago. You might be so lucky as to
get more from your metallic pal, Azrael.
DAVID: (now a bull) Lucky? Well, in comparison to the current and
last lemons...
(The yellow commercial sign light flashes.)
DR. F: Ah, the sponsors are restless.
(David taps the light with a hoof.)
DAVID: We'll be back, minus Speedy, Sylvester, and Butch here...

(We can hear the continued chase over the planet bumper.)

(Commercials: One for the newest advance in gaming... Game Boy Advance.
One for some phone card-selling scam. One for classic Batman on Sci-Fi.
One for some unsafe weight loss product.  Two for Geico - "Komodo dragon,
please" and "Well, that's uncalled for".)

(The show fades back in.)

(Bridge. David and Stephen are holding Damian, Louie, and Ricky apart
so they don't kill one another.)
DAVID: Guys, don't make me hog-tie you all.
STEPHEN: I'll do it - I can tie all three at once like this!
DR. F: Well, since the suits are pleased, it's back in the theater
with you!

(On the SOM... ah, you know.)

DAMIAN: Forget the chase, we've got CRAP SIGN!

(They run to the theater.)

(Door sequence. Theater. The Warriors take their seats.)

STEPHEN: Now, if you guys do this again, I'll string you guys up with
web!

>***
>In the interest of finishing this story, Kin made it all the way to the mountains without
>further interruption. Well, there was one interruption...
>As he was passing through the rocky terrain, he spotted a strange man and woman in lab coats
>combing the area.

DAVID: They were using an afro pick to tear up the land.

>Like the scared little bitch-boy he was, Kin hid behind a rocky outcropping to see what they
>were up to.

LOUIE: Probably 260 over 180.

>"I'm positive it came this way, doctor," the woman said.
>"This trail of proto-cum confirms it," the man replied.

DAMIAN: Yeah, that'd give it away.

>The woman grimaced. "Ew..."

RICKY: Yeah. Ew...

>"Ms. Jugglesworth, collect some samples for me to analyze."
>"EWWWW!!!"

RICKY: She's a mind reader.

>Kin figured they were harmless and went on his way. He found a path leading through the
>mountain, and followed it for many, many seconds. Then he remembered seconds were really
>short and hours were long, and by that time it was dark, so he decided to stop and rest for
>the night.

STEPHEN: Hence, mistake #1.

>Just before he nodded off, he thought he saw a figure coming down the path, but he figured it
>was the two weirdos in the lab coats, and thought nothing of it.

STEPHEN: ...and #2.

>***

DAVID: Lights!

>The next morning, Kin woke up and found himself.....somewhere else. In a cave. A big cave.
>With people. No, wait, they were pokémon. There was a Ninetales sitting on a large, flat
>boulder, almost like a throne, staring at him. The other was a very big Arcanine that looked
>like he could swallow Kin in one bite.

LOUIE: All he could see was giant teeth coming towards him and...

>"What are you doing in my territory?" the Ninetales asked fiercely.
>"Um..." Kin mumbled. "Taking a nap?"

DAMIAN: Rimshot, please!

>"You can't take naps here!" the Arcanine said harshly.

RICKY: (Kin) Yeah? Watch me! Zzzzzzzzz...

>"Why not?"
>"'Cause I said so!"
>"You have to pay a penance," the Ninetales explained.
>"What's a penance?" Kin asked. "Can I eat it?"

STEPHEN: This one could be mistake #3.

>"No!" the Ninetales shouted.
>"Aw, I'm hungry..."

DAVID: Yeah, well so are we, and we ain't complaining.

>"Don't be so hasty," the Arcanine said with a toothy grin. Kin noticed the pokémon's penis
>was sticking out from its sheath. "Eat this, cub!" The Arcanine walked up to Kin and stuck his
>cock in the Vulpix' face.

LOUIE: Oh boy, Bantam Blue Plate Special.

>"And no teeth!"
>"No teeth?" Kin said incredulously. "Then how do I eat it?"

DAMIAN: Sharp as a bowling ball.

>"You swallow it," the Arc told him.
>Kin nodded. "Oh. Can I have some ketchup?"
>"What? NO!"
>"Some salt?"

RICKY: (Arcanine) What the hell does it look like, a hot dog?
DAVID: (Kin) Well, sorta...

>"Dammit, no!"
>"Come on!" Kin exclaimed. "I'm supposed to swallow this without anything on it? Can't I just
>have some mustard?"
>The Arcanine just stared at Kin. "What the hell's wrong with you?"

STEPHEN: His pack roams near crossed power lines.

>"Come on, Arc," the Ninetales said, exasperated, "just do it!"

DAVID: I'd mention Nike here, but that ain't their slogan anymore.

>"I can't now, he made me nervous." The Arcanine shrunk away, much like his penis.

LOUIE: Thank you, dear God! A reprieve!

>"Oh, for...!" The Ninetales jumped down from his rock/throne. "I'll just do it myself!" He
>stood over Kin, his rod right in the Vulpix' face.
>"Geez, the last trespasser didn't give me this much trouble..."

DAMIAN: Which wouldn't explain why he's now a skeleton on the floor.

>At first Kin just looked at the red penis in front of him, but at this point, the Lust Virus
>inside of him was sick and tired of the cub's naiveté, so it decided to do something about it.

RICKY: It infected his head and made it shut the hell up for a while.

>Since the only thing it had under its control was Kin's hormones, it just bumped up production
>by about 500%.
>Outside Kin's body, Kin suddenly remembered how the Espeon and Umbreon had licked his thing
>and made him feel good. Tentatively he stuck his tongue out and licked the penis in front of
>him. The Ninetales, thinking Kin was finally cooperating, thrust his cock forward.

STEPHEN: Kin promptly felt his gag reflex kick in, and...

>It brushed against Kin's face, leaving a trail of precum across his cheek. Taking a cue from
>the Umbreon, Kin wrapped his lips around the head of the Ninetales' penis and began sucking
>lightly on it. The Ninetales didn't think to take his time with Kin

DAVID: And FIRE BLASTed him into next week.

>and shoved his entire length into the young cub's mouth. Kin almost choked, but quickly
>learned to relax his throat and breathe through his nose. Having your air passage blocked
>kinda helps with the learning process, don't it?

LOUIE: Yeah, now try it without any control except for a little
medicine inhaler.

>Moving on, Kin began licking the Ninetales' penis, emulating the Umbreon's motions on his own
>cock. The Ninetales seemed to like it, and began moaning in time with

DAMIAN: The metronome in the corner.

>Kin's licks across his shaft.
>Naturally, while all this was happening, that Arcanine was jacking away on the Ninetales'
>throne/pedestal/big flat rock.

RICKY: It didn't help things to know that a giant cow was pissing on it.
LOUIE: Didn't we already use that one?

>I don't think we need to explore that any further, do you?

ALL: Hell no!

>Back in Kin's corner, the Ninetales felt himself approaching orgasm, and thrust himself into
>Kin's face, firing off a load of sperm that quickly filled the young cub's mouth. Y'know, for
>a second, I forgot this was supposed to be a *bad* lemon.

STEPHEN: Oh, crap.

>With that in mind, time for the N'Sync sex!

ALL: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaigh!
(The Warriors panic, running for the door, attacking the screen, and
tearing up seats.)

>...
>...
>...
>Scared ya, didn't I? On with the regular lemon!

DAVID: Damn it to the depths of Hell, Shadow, DON'T DO THAT!

>"That was sufficient," the Ninetales told Kin. "You can pass."
>"Thanks!" Kin said happily. "But I came here to ask you about my pack. I got separated from
>them a few days ago." (took me long enough to get back to the plot, huh?)

LOUIE: You bet your life, pal.

>the Ninetales looked at him strangely. "What? Why didn't you say so?"

DAMIAN: Probably because you didn't give him a chance.

>"You didn't ask."
>Well, there was quite a bit of cursing after that. The Department of Old and Overused Lines
>arrived and slapped Kin around a bit, then the Ninetales and Arcanine had to fill out a
>shitload of paperwork so that Kin couldn't sue them for sexual harrassment, and finally the
>Ninetales had to sign over his cave to UPN to use as a spot for a commercial.

RICKY: And to think that all that came from three little words.

>In other words, Kin didn't manage to get any directions, other than the Arcanine shouting "Go
>that way, you little bastard!"
>***
>Some amount of time later, maybe a day or so, Kin was walking along in a field, just minding
>his own business, when he heard strange sounds coming from the bushes. He saw the bushes
>whacking off, so...

STEPHEN: If that's Beavis and/or Butt-Head, I'll send a Lord of the
Pit after him...

>No, wait, it was a Pikachu. A Pikachu jacking off while watching a pair of Nidoran mating.
>Does this sound familiar to anyone else?

DAMIAN: Yeah. You did this earlier, remember?

>"Is that you?" Kin called out, positive he knew that Pikachu.
>Sure enough, the yellow rodent jumped up in surprise, still holding his cock in his paws. Of
>course, any masturbating electric mouse would do that, but for the sake of the story, try to
>ignore logic.

DAVID: For lemons, that's a general rule. Especially bad lemons.

>So anyway, the Pikachu jumped up, hit his head on a branch, landed on a pine cone, and looked
>at Kin with much irritation. Then he recognized the Vulpix and his throbbing hard-on, and went
>over to greet him.

LOUIE: Guys, we know what's coming up. What say we hide our eyes?

>"Hey, where were you?" the Pikachu asked, trying to keep an eye on the two Nidoran at the same
>time. "I thought you were going to go find your pack."
>"You mean this is really the same place?" Kin asked, now very upset. "I JUST WENT IN A GODDAMN
>FUCKING CIRCLE!!!"

DAMIAN: Yeah, hurts to know you really ARE lost, huh?

>"I see you picked up some new words," the Pikachu observed.
>"How am I supposed to find my family now?" Kin said, very distraught.

RICKY: Just follow the yellow brick road.

>At this point, the Lust Virus inside Kin was sick to death of all this touchy-feely family
>crap and started looking for a way out. It found the way out the same way it got in: through a
>hardcore ass-reaming, provided by the Pikachu ten minutes later.

STEPHEN: I thought he wasn't going to go into that?

>Wait, let's back up a bit.

DAVID: Let's hope the VCR eats your tapes.

>Ten minutes ago, Kin was yelling and crying and calling for his mommy, when the Pikachu tried
>to console him. Kin didn't really want to be consoled and tried to run away, but he tripped
>over his own feet and ended up landing on his back again.

LOUIE: The kid's in a permanently inebriated state...

>The Pikachu tried to help him up, but then got a good look at Kin's exposed genitalia, and
>couldn't control himself anymore. He forcifully shoved his cock inside Kin's ass and started
>pumping the cub's anus, the Lust Virus inside of him finally having something to do.

DAMIAN: It coulda saved us all this and just self-destructed.

>Needless to say, Kin was surprised as hell. Luckily for him, his Lust Virus bumped up his
>hormone count again, so Kin

RICKY: Either grew massive boobs or started sounding like a wrestler,
depending on what hormones were pumped up.

>felt a wave of pleasure go through him as the Pikachu entered him, and again on every stroke.
>Kin's ass was so tight, the Pikachu only managed to last for (guess what) ten minutes before
>he came, shooting great gobs of jizz into Kin.

STEPHEN: Great balls o' fire, he can see the future?
LOUIE: Stephen, did you HAVE to use the phrase, "great balls of fire"?
STEPHEN: Whoops, sorry.

>Now that everyone's up to speed, let's keep moving. Once the Pikachu came inside Kin, the Lust
>Virus had enough lubrication to get out, so once the Pikachu removed his cock from Kin, the
>virus escaped through that ass-reaming I mentioned before. As it did, it sent Kin over the
>edge, bringing about the third orgasm of his still-short life.

DAVID: He talks as though the kid's dead or something.

>Once the virus was free, it flew away in search of...well, let's not spoil the surprise.

LOUIE: (sarcastic) Gee, let's just tell everyone now, eh?

>Back in Kin's corner, the Vulpix managed to pick himself up and start cleaning himself off.
>"That was...interesting," Kin said, "but I really should go look for my pack now."

DAMIAN: So what's he been doing all this time? Looking for gold?

>"I'll come with you," the Pikachu offered. "You really shouldn't be out here alone, anyway."
>He paused. "How old are you, anyway?"
>"Eighteen," Kin answered.
>"Eighteen years?" the Pikachu asked incredulously.
>"No, eighteen months."

RICKY: We assure you that all models used for this are at ages equal
to 18 or older.

>For some reason the Pikachu started hyperventilating. Then he shouted, "OH MY GOD, I'M A
>PEDOPHILE!!!"
>"What's a pedophile?" asked Kin.

STEPHEN: He is.

>"Uhh, nothing!" the Pikachu quickly replied. "Let's go look for your pack now, okay?"
>***

DAVID: I see spots before my eyes...

>Just to put an end to this lemon, Kin eventually found his pack through a series of amazing
>and interesting adventures that may or may not have included learning the true meaning of
>Christmas. So anyway, once Kin caught sight of his pack, he went running up to them with his
>Pikachu companion right behind him.

LOUIE: Hopefully just running behind him...

>Naturally there was much cheering and hugging and other family shit, and the usual questions.

DAMIAN: (Kin's family) Who is that? What's he doing behind you? Hey,
what're you doing to me?

>"Where were you?"
>"What happened?"
>"We were so worried!"
>Okay, that last one isn't a question, but you want to tell a fire-breathing vulpine that?

RICKY: We'll chance it.

>Anywho, Kin's mother was just talking to the Pikachu and thanking him for helping Kin when she
>felt someone nudge her side.
>"Yes, Kin?" she said, still in a state of euphoria over her son returning.
>"Mommy," Kin started, "what's a pedophile?"

STEPHEN: Uh-oh, methinks our mouse pal will be leaving in a blazing
hurry!

>The Pikachu started hyperventilating again and made a motion across his throat with his hand,
>then started muttering "Ix-nay on the edophile-pay!"
>Right then, Kin's father, a Ninetales, walked up to them. "What's going on?" he asked.
>Kin turned to his father and said, "Dad, what's a pedophile?"

DAVID: Finally, some redeeming slapstick!

>Both Kin's mother and father looked at the Pikachu, who was currently sweating bullets, or at
>least very tense drops of sweat. Then, two seconds later...
>*FWOOOOSH!!!*

(The Warriors start laughing obnoxiously.)

>Then Kin's father shouted, "Kids! We're having roasted rodent for dinner!"
>Then the kids complained because they had roast rodent last night, and Kin was sad that his
>friend was gone, but then he saw the rest of his family again and got over it. The end.

LOUIE: Great, he's going from bad to incestuous...
DAMIAN: All right, I'm gone!
(Damian scurries off. He hits the door and
*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT*! He scurries back,
fried.)
DAMIAN: Damn it, he lied to us!

>***
>Well, almost. First, let's see what happened to that Lust Virus, shall we?

DAMIAN: It dropped out of school, latched onto a bottle of Jack
Daniels, and died out on the street.

>Miles away, in Cerulean City, Dr. Lustidick and Ms. Jugglesworth were down to their last
>resort: the local law enforcement. They couldn't find the virus, they couldn't find whoever it
>infected, and they couldn't find the key to the warehouse after the doctor went out for some
>more mushrooms.

RICKY: (Dr. L, weird voice) You gotta try these... oooooh, look at all
the colors...

>"And when we came back, officer," Dr. Lustidick said, "the door was locked and Timmy was
>gone."

STEPHEN: (Timmy from South Park) Timmay!

>"So has Timmy ever disappeared before?" Officer Jenny asked.
>"No, never," Ms. Jugglesworth answered.

DAVID: (Ms. J) Well, except when he gave us the note saying that he
was on his way to fight a life-or-death duel, and if he didn't return,
we were to take the Dragon Sword and go to America to find his friend, Dr. Smith...

>"What does Timmy look like?" Jenny asked.
>"Uhh..." the doctor mumbled, struggling for an answer. "About two inches tall, star-shaped,
>purple all over..."
>"He's probably red after you hit him with that hammer," Ms. Jugglesworth snapped.
>"You hit him with a hammer?!" Jenny exclaimed.
>"No, no!" the doctor quickly said. "He just dropped a hammer on his toe! I'd never hurt dear
>Timmy..."
>Just then, 'Timmy', AKA the Lust Virus from Kin's ass, flew down and landed near the doctor
>and his assistant.

LOUIE: (low voice) This looks bad...

>It took one look at the doctor, then floated up toward Officer Jenny. It grabbed the .45 from
>her holster and dropped it to the ground. Then the god of The Incredible Machine appeared and
>gave it a pulley, a length of rope, a bowling ball,a ramp, a rocket, a candle, a bucket of
>chum and a see-saw. 

DAMIAN: I smell a Rube Goldberg device...

>It set the ramp above and behind the doctor and the bowling ball on the ramp, then put the
>rocket at the bottom of the ramp. Then it set the candle below the ramp at a 45 degree angle
>to the top of the ramp where the bowling ball was. Finally it set the bucket of chum over the
>doctor. Then it did the second part. Time for a new paragraph!
>It set the pulley behind the gun, ran the rope through the pulley and tied one end to the
>trigger.

RICKY: Uh-oh, it's gonna go Columbine on someone... (warning: ANY flames
about this riff will be considered immediate abuse, and will be dealt with
properly. You HAVE been warned.)

>Then it set the gun on the bottom end of the see-saw and took the other end of rope in
>whatever the hell it uses for hands. Finally it turned the see-saw so that the upper part was
>pointed at Dr. Lustidick, sat down on the upper part and sat in the gun's firing range, and
>yanked on the rope.

STEPHEN: Here comes the "Mouse Trap"-style sequence, I guess.

>The gun fired, splattering the deranged Lust Virus all over the good doctor. The bullet hit
>the bowling ball, knocking it down the ramp, then ricocheted and went through the candle's
>wick, lighting it. The bowling ball rolled down the ramp, colliding with the rocket and
>knocking it onto the lighter. The fuse for the rocket was lit, and it soared into the air,
>then collided with the bucket of chum, knocking it upside down and spilling the chum over Dr.
>Lustidick.

(The Warriors start laughing again.)

>"Was that Timmy?" Officer Jenny asked slowly.

DAVID: (Dr. L) No, but a reasonable facsimile...

>"Yes," Dr. Lustidick said, spitting out chum, "yes, it was."
>And just when you thought it couldn't get any stranger, Molder and Skully ran up right then.
>"Freeze, Lustidick!" Skully shouted, waving his gun.
>"Don't move!" Molder yelled.

RICKY: (Dr. L) Can I blink?

>Officer Jenny had wandered off in search of a towel, so it was just the doctor and his
>assistant who were staring at Molder. "Uh..." the doctor said to Molder, "why are you wearing
>a dress?"

LOUIE: Okay, I thought he still wouldn't have clothes. Eh, c'est la
vie.

>Molder fumed for a bit, then turned to Skully and said, "I told you this was a dress!"
>Skully sighed in exasperation. "It's not a dress, it's a business suit!"
>"It comes with a built-in sports bra!" Molder shouted.
>"I was wondering why your tits were bigger than mine," Ms. Jugglesworth muttered.

DAMIAN: Okay, now that's a mental picture I'll have to kill myself to
be rid of.

>"Oh, shut up!" Molder snapped.
>"We don't have time for this!" Dr. Lustidick said. "Ms. Jugglesworth! We will escape, to
>another anime series! Hopefully one with showers..."

RICKY: Quick, shoot him! Before he wusses out!

>Before Skully could convince Molder it *wasn't* a dress, the assistant sighed, then used their
>remote-thingy and opened a portal. Both the doctor and the assistant jumped through,

STEPHEN: Only to come out with a weird ninja that produced smoke from
his body.

>leaving two IBI agents arguing in an alley near a warehouse which was locked and the key
>missing because no one thought to use that plastic rock.
>***

DAVID: Damn mosquitoes get bigger every year...

>Mere moments later, Dr. Lustidick and Ms. Jugglesworth appeared in another anime universe,
>somewhere in a big city. The people looked normal enough, and there was plenty of vacant
>buildings for a lab. The only problem was, neither of them knew where they were.
>"Nice place," Ms. Jugglesworth said calmly.
>"Yeah, I guess," the doctor mumbled.
>Suddenly a car flew by sporting a corporate logo, one which the assistant recognized. "Oh my
>god, Capsule Corp.!"

LOUIE: Capsule Corp... wait a tick, that means-

>Ms. Jugglesworth exclaimed. "Wait..." Time for that movie thing. "Capsule Corp. is run by
>Doctor Briefs, who has a daughter, Bulma, who's married to...Vegeta!!!"

DAMIAN: It's like "Six Degrees" with energy blasting.

>And Vegeta did a cameo in The Mask of Zorro with Antonio Banderas, who was in Assassins with
>Sylvester Stallone, who was in Cliffhanger with John Lithgow, who was in Footloose
>with...

ALL: Kevin Bacon.

>Kevin Bacon. Regardless, Ms. Jugglesworth charged down the street in search of the Capsule
>Corp. headquarters, and the doctor quickly took after her, wondering what the real estate
>prices for an evil laboratory were like around here.

RICKY: Seeing as how things could easily be destroyed, probably pretty
low.

>To Be Continued!

STEPHEN: I hope not.
LOUIE: The doors are open!
DAMIAN: (squeak) Let's scurry, boys!

(They exeunt.)

(Bridge. The Warriors are all losing the animalistic conditions they
had before. Damian is already back to human form.)

DAMIAN: Ah, back to normal. I almost had the maze down, though.
STEPHEN: Well, it's good to know that this thing really isn't permanent.
DAMIAN: Wait, you didn't know it was?
LOUIE: Not really. We just told you that so you would calm down.
DAMIAN: (growling a bit) I'll overlook that in my joy over being human
again...
(The red MADs light flashes.)
DAVID: Just in time, Yogi and Cindy.
(He hits the light.)
DR. F: Ah, it's the menagerie. It looks like you've made it through
the worst our friend could throw at us.
USAGI: I read that, and I couldn't even finish it? What's your secret?
RICKY: What? I would think you, of all people, would be able to deal
with this. You've done this before, haven't you?
USAGI: ...No, not that I remember...
DAMIAN: (pulls Ricky aside) Ricky, you're compromising the fourth
wall! She has no idea of what she's done in any MSTing. You could
end up causing the universe to collapse on itself!
RICKY: Okay, then mum's the word?
DAMIAN: Bingo. (turns to the screen) Well, I admit it would be
difficult for greenhorns, but for us, no problem!
DR. F: Well, you'll have a little time to relax whilst I look for
something that could break even the person that wrote it. Until
then, I'll just pray for everyone who dares to cross us.
(He hits the button himself.)
DAMIAN: He really does care about her.
STEPHEN: Only because his future as a scientist rides on her
biological clock...
   \ | / 
   \ | / 
   \ | / 
   \ | / 
    \|/ 
-----o----- SHHEEEOOooooo... 
    /|\  Art custom-made by 
   / | \ me, Pika-Screw. 
   / | \ Feel free to use it.. 
   / | \ 
   / | \ 

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well, that's a new record for finishing a whole piece.
I admit this is a little behind schedule, but only because our modem was struck
by lightning, thus requiring service at Circuit City. Even worse, the complete ass
who worked on it performed a full recovery on it, destroying all records, programs,
pictures, and writings we had on it! Anyway, I will have to find something for next
episode. Azrael or any AGNPH regular might be of some help, and you can too!
If you have something you think is bad, you can have me riff it...

>Molder fumed for a bit, then turned to Skully and said, "I told you this was a dress!"
>Skully sighed in exasperation. "It's not a dress, it's a business suit!"
>"It comes with a built-in sports bra!" Molder shouted.
>"I was wondering why your tits were bigger than mine," Ms. Jugglesworth muttered.

Keep circulating the crap...
z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z
Returning for the 2001 season... me.

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