MAGIC WARRIOR THEATER 3000 EPISODE 402: Lockdown MSTed by Pika-Screw (cubecutter@despammed.com) Disclaimers: Ranma 1/2 is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi, and is property of Viz, as far as I know. Magic: the Gathering is the creation of Richard Garfield, and is distributed by Wizards of the Coast, a division of Hasbro. The Magic Warriors, Magic Warrior Theater 3000, and the likenesses of the Warriors are property of me. All other things mentioned are property of their respective owners. "Ranma 1/3" is, as with all the others like it, property of Shadow. This is only meant as a constructive and lightly humorous form of criticism. No ill will is to be implied. As this is a lemon, anyone under the age of 18 must stop reading at this point. Any minor reading this is breaking an implied contract with the author. Note that even if you don't read this paragraph, you are still bound to its terms. Not like you care anyway. With this out of the way, we begin now. Blistered Thumb Productions presents, in association with Ink Blot Productions... Theme from Magic Warrior Theater 3000 In the not-too-distant future, In the labs of Deep 13, There was a man named Doctor F - A threat to you and me. He caught a kid by the name of Hood And some Magic Warriors for the side of Good, His experiment needed a good test case So he took all of their powers And he shot them into space! (Get us down!) I'll send them cheesy fanfics, The worst I can find, (la-la-la) They'll have to sit and read them all, And I'll monitor their minds. (la-la-la) Now keep in mind they can't control where the fanfics begin or end, (la-la-la) But they'll just have to bear them all Because they're supposed to be friends. *Warrior Roll Call* Stephen! (Death becomes you.) Ricky! (Flame on!) David! (Walk toward the light...) Louuuuuuuuuuie! (It's insane.) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, And other science facts (la-la-la) Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show, I should really just relax," For Magic Warrior Theater 3000! (Bridge. Everything is dark. Only the emergency lights are on, bathing everything in a dim bluish glow. From the left, someone stumbles in.) PERSON: What is this? Who turned off the lights? (*THUMP!* person mumbles "Ow, damn it") Merlin, lights on. (Nothing happens.) Merlin, turn the lights on. (Nothing.) Merlin, I order you to turn the lights on! (Merlin, the voice of the ship, doesn't respond.) PERSON: All right, where is that... disembodied... voice thing? (Someone else stumbles in. He turns a flashlight on under his chin, revealing himself as Ricky.) RICKY: Boo! (he grabs the other one, who immediately whips around, his face now within the beam of Rick's flashlight. The other is Damian.) DAMIAN: What the hell are you doing? Take this seriously! We need to find out what's wrong with Merlin. RICKY: What? Is he malfunctioning? DAMIAN: He wouldn't obey my order to turn the lights on. Maybe he's shorted out somewhere. (The other three Warriors stumble in from the right, forming a human chain of sorts. David is at the left, Louie is in the middle, and Stephen is at right.) DAVID: It's dark everywhere! We're doing this so we don't get lost. STEPHEN: Is there a short somewhere? (The red light flashes, somehow.) DAMIAN: That's odd... (He presses the button. The transmission to Deep 13 is practically impossible to see - it looks like a TV channel that one doesn't get.) FORRESTER: (breaking up) ... hello poor chumps ... no ... exchange ... right to ... virus ... sack of ... enjoy! DAMIAN: Doc? We can't hear you! (The screen blinks off.) I have no idea what all he said. (The satellite rumbles, but the lights and klaxons don't come on.) DAMIAN: I do hope that's crap sign. (They run to the theater, forming another human chain.) (Door sequence: Dog bone first, then... 6: The laser nodes are in the walls, but no lasers come from them. 5: The blocks are all dark. One good smash, and they're down. 4: A remote-controlled garage door. It has to be hand-operated. 3: A door with a huge keyhole. The key is still firmly in the door. 2: Two tall Nordic men with rifles guard the door. They don't respond to any presence. 1: A door divided into 5 sections, each with one of the magic symbols on it. The sections are all partially open.) (Theater. The Warriors scramble to sit down, ending up in this order: Ricky, David, Damian, Stephen, Louie. Somehow, the screen still works.) DAVID: Oh, the wonders of technology. It still works. DAMIAN: You think we'd get off that easily? Doc F knows better. >It's time! LOUIE: (Darth Vader) And now, young Jedi, you will die. >You knew it was coming...there have been many before it, but >none such like this! It is...the Ranma 1/2 lemon!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! DAMIAN: We're lost. Any of you guys know anything about this one? RICKY: Not a clue. STEPHEN: Cupboard's empty. DAVID: Dead, Jim. LOUIE: Zip. >By the way, for those who have not seen Ranma, it is a slightly ecchi, >semi-romantic series with lots of boobs. Naturally there have been huge >amounts of Ranma lemons, but I'm guessing none like this. RICKY: Here's hoping. >For one thing, almost no one features Nabiki...and she's the prettiest! (ever seen >her in a bikini? Yow!) Oh yeah, a quick review of who's cursed in this thing. STEPHEN: Us. >Everyone changes to their cursed form when hit with cold water, and changes back to >their original form when splashed with hot water. Ranma changes into a very pretty >redhead (with large tits, no less) Ryoga changes into a small black >pig (P-chan) DAVID: And subsequently into bacon. >Mousse changes into a duck, Shampoo changes into a cat, and Genma Saotome >(Ranma's father) changes into a panda. I'd do a review on the characters, >but it sure as shit wouldn't be quick. LOUIE: So skip it and save us both, my man. >Oh yeah, oddly enough, this particular series was requested by Burn-it >and Blackheart745 right in the middle of me writing it, so how's that >for a coincidence? >Now that you know, on with the lemon! >----------------------------------------------------------------------- DAMIAN: Passing zone. >Ranma 1/3 (I thought up this title all by myself! Yay me!) >~OR~ >The Case of the Masturbating Panda RICKY: Or, "Howl of the Unappreciated". DAVID: You didn't think that up yourself. RICKY: True, but it works. >It was a beautiful day somewhere in Tokyo, but in the setting for this >story, brewing beneath the surface was something so dark, so sinister, >so evil, grown men did not dare speak its name!!! >It was...an underground Xbox factory!!! STEPHEN: That's not bad. Now, if they produced Atari Jaguars... >Several hundred yards above that factory was a warehouse, and inside >that warehouse was a pink fluffy bunny! Really! Dr. Lustidick was >eating it! How about that? DAVID: This can't be good any way it goes. >Naturally, when Ms. Jugglesworth walked in and saw this, she was very >surprised, to say the least. "Doctor, what the hell are you doing?!" >she shouted. LOUIE: (Doc L) Eating. Whazzit look like, ya dingbat? >Dr. Lustidick looked up from his cute pink bunny and said, "What are >you talking about?" >Then Ms. Jugglesworth saw it was a chocolate Easter bunny and said >"Never mind..." After that she resolved to beat him over the head >with several large objects. "So what are we doing here instead of >the DBZ universe WHERE WE BELONG?!?!" DAMIAN: Now, those are just the hormones talking... let's just calm down and think about this. >The good doctor just stared at her. The fact that her coat was open >and she wasn't wearing a bra was part of it. "You do know the man >you're after is married?" >"When the hell has that ever stopped us?" she pointed out. >The doctor thought for a moment. "Quite. DAMIAN: That's my line! >In any case, I've selected the next target for the virus." >"Doctor, why are we even here?" >"Ms. Jugglesworth, this is the first *normal* anime universe we've >come across. RICKY: Such a thing exists? >The odds of the people here rising up to stop us are a >million to one." "Doctor, it's an ANIME universe! When have they ever been normal?!" >The doctor thought again. This was becoming a troublesome activity. >"Good point. But THIS one will help us realize our dreams!" STEPHEN: Your dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie, and you did that last year. >"It'll help me get Vegeta to tie me up and have his way with me?" >the excited assistant asked. >"Er...possibly," the doctor replied. "But most importantly, it will >allow us to take over the world!!!" The doctor put down his chocolate >bunny and went back to stirring the beaker with the Lust Virus. DAVID: (Beaker) Meep meep! >"So who's the target this time?" Ms. Jugglesworth asked, resigning >herself to another evening of self-gratification. LOUIE: Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you. >The doctor extracted the virus and watched as it float lazily around >the room. "I decided on a young schoolgirl I saw on the way back >from the market." >"You couldn't think of anyone more cliché, could you?" DAMIAN: Is there? >"Pardon?" DAMIAN: IS THERE? >"Nothing..." >Suddenly, the door to the warehouse swung open, and a guy in a yellow >shirt and tiger-striped bandanna burst in shouting "Ranma Saotome, >I've finally found you!!!" RICKY: (Jack Nicholson) Heeeeeeeeeere's JOHNNY! >The doctor and Ms. Jugglesworth just stared at him. "Who in the hell >are you?" the assistant asked. STEPHEN: (Bart Simpson) I'm... Bartman! >"Um..." Ryoga took a quick look around. "This...isn't the Tendo dojo, >is it?" The lab equipment and mad scientist made him doubt it was. >"No, it isn't," Dr. Lustidick told him. "It's ten blocks west of >here." >"Oh...thank you, sir." Ryoga turned around and walked out of the >warehouse, promptly turned east, and started walking. DAVID: Directly into a wall. >"That is one strange boy..." Ms. Jugglesworth mumbled to herself. >"I wonder if he's single?" LOUIE: He's outta your league, lady. RICKY: He can't even find the league. >Dr. Lustidick quickly forgot that temporary distraction and quickly >pointed the Lust Virus to the door. Then he had to scrape it off the >wall after it tried to follow Ryoga and go east...while still inside >the warehouse. DAMIAN: Sight gags in text. Again. >After yelling at it and saying very impolite things >about its mother, the doctor threw it out the door and sent it off >on its way. >*** RICKY: (radio voice from Silent Scope) Calm down! You just missed the target! >It was a beautiful day in...hmm...where does Ranma live again? >*checks fan site* STEPHEN: Truly, we are doomed. He doesn't even know the material. >Oh, Nerima. Okay, it was a beautiful day in Nerima. Akane was walking >home from school alone, since Ranma had gone ahead to chase after >Happosai (who will not be appearing in this lemon!) DAVID: I don't know who he is, but thank God. >Akane didn't notice the Lust Virus far above the city, watching, waiting, >searching for its target. Then it got bored and attacked Akane. LOUIE: How predictable. How sad. How... us. >Akane saw the speeding virus flying at her, but it was in the path >of the sun, and she thought it was P-chan...right up until it >jumped into her mouth and squiggled down her throat. DAMIAN: A Bonethief! >Then she was pretty sure it wasn't P-chan. Then the virus took over her >hormone centers and went to work producing enough pheromones to drive any >male wild. RICKY: This is how the Roman Empire fell, y'know. >Now Akane was positive it wasn't P-chan, but then again, she was too horny to care. >*** STEPHEN: ...I'm out of jokes for that. >Meanwhile, Ranma had just lost track of Happosai (if you really wanna >know, the fucker got creamed by a truck. Well, not really, but it's >my story, so I get to brutally murder whoever I want). DAVID: A problem we know all too well. >He was just walking home, minding his own business, when SUDDENLY!!! >Nothing happened. Mind you, that was incredibly surprising to Ranma. >Minding his own business was usually followed by Shampoo glomping onto >him, Ryoga or Mousse attacking him, or Godzilla asking to borrow a >fiver. Ranma began to think it was his lucky day! LOUIE: Famous last words, as they say so many, many times. >And about time, too! Why shouldn't he deserve a nice, peaceful afternoon in >the sun? DAMIAN: He's in this. That's why. >Why should he be relentlessly dogged by misfortune? Why shouldn't >he enjoy himself?! Yes, this would be a good day! >Then it started raining. >Ranma probably could've heard the god of irony laughing if she wasn't >so pissed. She dejectedly walked home in the rain, water dripping down >her tits (he's a girl now. Rain is cold. Well, it is!) RICKY: How conveeeeenient. >For the sake of speeding up the lemon (along with time itself) Ranma >soon arrived home. Kasumi greeted him at the door with a towel and >a few kind words about always looking for the silver whatsits in the >cloud thingy. STEPHEN: (Yukon Cornelius) The biggest silver strike this side'a Hudson Bay! Siiiillllverrrrrr! >Nabiki, on the other hand, held her trademark apathy. "You should >know by now, Ranma," she said, "in your life, a lot of rain must fall." >Ranma glared at her. "Gee, thanks, Nabiki. I'll keep that in mind." >"Just thought you should know," Nabiki said as she went back to reading >her magazine. DAVID: (Nabiki) I swear, I just read it for the articles. >Ranma ignored Nabiki and went to her room, still dripping slightly. >She didn't notice Akane walk in, also dripping wet. >Now for a brief interlude showing what happened to Akane! >Briefly after the Lust Virus invaded her body, it lay siege to her >hormone production centers. STEPHEN: They, in turn, produced many tanks and fought back. >Naturally the hormones fought back, but the siege prevented the easy flow of >red blood cells and 7-Up to the hormones, and the siege was quickly over. >With Akane under the influence of the Lust Virus, there were some... >problems. LOUIE: Fortunately, they were monomials, and she knew monomials. >For starters, her idea of a romantic event started changing, >as illustrated here: holding hands *ding* (Damian gets up on the chair and pants like a dog.) >kissing *ding* (Damian pants again.) >admitting your love *ding* (Again.) >making love *ding* (Again again.) >fucking the bastard's cock off. There was one more *ding*, (One more time!) >but it isn't appropriate for anyone with a pulse. DAVID: Okay, Pavlov's dog, you can quit now. DAMIAN: Okay. (He puts his feet back on the floor, and) *SPLOOSH* (...right into a puddle of drool.) ... I don't know whether to scream or get galoshes. >Anyway, she began walking home, plotting, planning, scheming, and rubbing her >pussy through her panties. Upon arriving at the Tendo household, she spied >Ranma walking off, towel in hand, and suddenly...! LOUIE: Her head exploded, then her arms, then her torso! RICKY: (Akane) This isn't really happening! >*** >"Wait a minute!" Dr. Lustidick exclaimed. "What about the Packers game?" >"There is no game today, doctor," Ms. Jugglesworth told him. >"Oh..." The doctor was silent for a moment. "FUCKING PACKERS!!!" DAMIAN: Never satisfied. >Ms. Jugglesworth just groaned in disgust... >Damned if they play, damned if they don't, huh? >*** >Er, sorry about that, I couldn't think of a good segue to get back to >the Tendo house. Wait...I just wrote a decent one...oh, fuck it! DAVID: That's what we're afraid of. >Akane was inside! Ranma was going to her room! There, we're back on >track, fuckdammit! Now sit down and shut up, we're getting to the >damn sex already! RICKY: A new record for getting back on track. >*ahem* >Anyway. The Lust Virus hadn't taken over completely, as it was a lazy >fuck, so Akane wasn't charging after anyone. She did, however, have >the distinct urge to strip down Ranma and lick him all over. Er, her. >Whatever. At this point, Akane wasn't about to discriminate. STEPHEN: Thus saving everyone a visit from Jesse Jackson. >Akane slunked through the hallway, then up the stairs, one by one, >step by step, inch by inch, RICKY: (Moe Howard) NIAGARA FALLS! Slo-o-owly I turned, step by step, inch by inch... (Ricky stands up and pulls Damian up with him.) RICKY: (continuing) I poked his eye, (he pokes Damian in the eye) I ripped his shirt, (he rips his shirt) then I knocked him out! (he bops Damian in the nose. Damian falls down) DAMIAN: (gets up and rubs his cheek) Boy, he's okay, but when you mention Niagara Falls- RICKY: NIAGARA FALLS! Slo-o-owly I turned- STEPHEN: (pulls Ricky down to his seat) Cut it. >then Ranma walked out of her room and slammed the door into Akane's face. The >last thing she remembered before blacking out was seeing a beautiful pig-tailed >girl shaking DAVID: And baking. >her, then the pig-tailed girl was licking her breasts...then her >stomach...then her... >Then Akane woke up. And the pig-tailed girl--er, Ranma, was standing >over her, looking very concerned. "Akane, are you alright?" Ranma >asked. "You got hit pretty hard." LOUIE: (Akane) Don't worry, I have Homer Simpson Syndrome. >"I'm...fine," Akane mumbled. Actually, she was more than fine. Now >she had Ranma right where she wanted her...split into three people, >translucent and blurry. Wait a minute, that wasn't right... DAMIAN: (Pepe Le Pew) The one in the middle may remain. The rest of you, another day... >"You sure?" Ranma asked again, checking the bump on her head. >Akane's eyes refocused, and now there was only one Ranma...with a >penguin on her head...giving her the finger. >This is getting stupid, so let's hurry it along, shall we? RICKY: We shall. >Akane suddenly noticed Ranma was all wet. "Ranma, you're all wet," >she said, easily stealing from the narrative. STEPHEN: Next one to do that gets more trouble than they're worth. >"Let me dry you off." >"Uh, that's okay, AkanEEEEEEEEE!!!" >Right at that moment, Akane bear-hugged Ranma and began rubbing her >whole body up and down Ranma's. DAVID: She starts purring, and I'm solid gone. >Akane quickly stifled Ranma's protests with a hard kiss on the lips. Several >things ran through Ranma's mind, including "this is wrong!" and "what the heck >is the matter with her?!" and "what is she doing with her tongue?!" LOUIE: And let's not forget, "What kind of twisted mind puts me through this stuff?!" >Then the Lust Virus took over, over, and the only thought running through her >mind was "fuck the bitch," "fuck the bitch," and her personal favorite, "fuck >the bitch!" DAMIAN: And people bash on Eminem for being vulgar. >Akane grasped Ranma's rather large breasts and squeezed them vigorously. >Ranma let out an involuntary moan, feeling an unfamiliar pleasure from >her chest. RICKY: No, wait, that was just a chest infection. >She'd never touched herself as a girl STEPHEN: (stands up, then points at the screen) LIAR! >(believe it or not) and now Akane was bringing out new feelings and >um...emotions, and... all that touchy-feely girly shit, I don't know. >Ranma felt herself rubbing against Akane, wanting to kiss her and fondle >her and feel her all over...then common sense prevailed. DAVID: And the clouds parted and the angels sang, hosanna, hallelujah! >Actually, Common Sense burst into the room laughing maniacally, picked up >Akane, chucked her out the window, bopped Ranma on the head with a ballpeen >hammer, and ran right back out again. DAVID: And God decides to piss on our parade. Again. >Now Ranma was very put-out. Not so much as Akane, who was now floating >in the pond out front. Ranma quickly straightened her outfit and >composed herself, then got the hell out of there. She figured a good >long walk would help cool her down and repress the memories. LOUIE: My therapist would have a field day. >"Where are you headed off to?" Nabiki asked as Ranma walked past her. >"N-n-nowhere special," Ranma sputtered. >"Well, Kasumi's making tempura and rice, so I'd advise you come back >in time for dinner, or you'll be making ramen for one again." With that, >Nabiki stood up and went to her room. DAMIAN: It's always like that... table for one, ramen for one, sake for three... >Ranma started to go outside and got one foot out the door when suddenly! RICKY: Blue Screen of Death! LOUIE: (Ranma) This... isn't... really... happening... >Yep, you guessed it, the Lust Virus took hold. Ranma tried to fight >it, using all his martial arts training to bash down the hormonal urges >she was feeling. She ran to the kitchen and dumped cold water on >herself, poured ice cream down her pants, and lots of other stupid >ideas! STEPHEN: A waste of good ice cream. >Finally, after smacking herself repeatedly in the head with the >ice tray, the lemon gods got sick and tired of this shit and smacked me >one, then the virus suddenly took over. Gee, what a coincidence... >Now Ranma wanted Akane. Her hormones drove her to madness, then drove >her back after picking up a souvenir hat and a churro. DAVID: (bad Mexican accent) Oh no, once again I must sugar my own churro. >Ranma began formulating a plan...a plan for sex! First, she needed >girls...slutty girls. Then she needed Viagra...no, wait, Ranma's a girl, so >she doesn't need Viagra (I'm not writing a hermaphrodite scene...just yet.) LOUIE: More inspirational than a "Chicken Soup" book, that thought. >Then it hit her! A baseball! Damn neighborhood kids. Then an idea >came to her. DAMIAN: Then it left after drinking all the soda and leaving the cans all over the house. >Who was home right now? Nabiki! That was it! Ranma quickly ran up the stairs >and burst into Nabiki's room, finding the middle Tendo sister sitting at her >desk, balancing her accounts. RICKY: Give her credit - it's tough to balance those books on your nose. >She was wearing her shoulderless shirt (who cares what it's called, it's >cute), and the sight of her bare shoulders was making Ranma even hotter >(she's easy, huh?) STEPHEN: Easy like Sunday morning, as the kids these days say. >"Nabiki!" Ranma shouted. >"What is it, Ranma?" Nabiki muttered, not looking up from her work. >Ranma immediately threw her arms around Nabiki and kissed her neck. >"I need you!" she whispered into Nabiki's ear. DAVID: (Ranma) I need a partner for a pitch game! >Nabiki gasped, startled at Ranma's actions, then grinned. She stood >up, took Ranma by the hand and led her to the bed. "Sit down, Ranma." >Ranma complied, and sat down cross-legged on the bed. Nabiki quickly >closed and locked her door, then went to her desk and pulled out a >small pamphlet from a lower drawer and handed it to Ranma. "Now, I >always thought this day would come, so I prepared a little something >for you, just in case." >"What's this?" Ranma asked, reading it over. LOUIE: (Ranma, reading pamphlet) "So You're In a Lemon"... >"A list of services," Nabiki told her. >"Oral sex, 3000 yen," Ranma read aloud, "Nipple teasing, 1000 yen, >french kissing, 500 yen, rokujuukyu (69 in Japanese [so sue me, I'm >trying to learn my numbers]), 7500 yen, strap-on, 10,000 yen, anal >play, 15--" DAMIAN: This could take some time. Why don't we get out of here? STEPHEN: The doors aren't open. And they probably won't open anyhow. >"Or," Nabiki interrupted, "you could pick the special Anything-Goes >Martial Arts Sex package." >"Um...what's that?" Ranma asked, feeling her arousal not quite what it >was. By now the Lust Virus was confused with all the numbers, so >it was having trouble performing. RICKY: (virus) Okay, clear your head... okay, back to work, back to work - 15000, 7000, 3000 - NO, damn it! >Nabiki got an evil look in her eye. "I'll do whatever you want and >give you one orgasm for 10,000 yen, plus 5000 yen for each additional >orgasm." >Ranma thought about it for a minute, then the Lust Virus decided a flat >rate was better than adding up the various charges. STEPHEN: Little did it know that Verizon was providing these services, so that "flat rate" was just a ploy! LOUIE: You'd think in this case, "flat" is bad. Two girls? Flat? No way. >Ranma tried not to think about it, since it was a damn weird thing to be >considering. "I'll take the special," Ranma mumbled under her breath, suddenly >feeling very self-conscious (the Lust Virus was still trying to add >together the french-kissing and anal play packages). DAVID: 15,500. Shows how much YOU know, blobbo! >"Oh, feeling a little shy now?" Nabiki teased. "I'll fix that." She >slowly pulled up her shirt, showing off her navel. Ranma watched, >mesmerized, as Nabiki started doing a little dance, LOUIE: But it wasn't Nabiki at all... it was Britney Spears! Aaaaaaigh! Run! >then moved over to her stereo and put on a good Jpop song. As Nabiki's breasts >finally came into view, Ranma had to use all her strength to restrain herself >from jumping the Tendo sister. DAMIAN: But the rules say you have to jump if you can. >Finally Nabiki pulled the shirt off over her head and tossed it to the floor, >leaving only her bra. Turning her back to Ranma, she unbuckled the strap and >pulled it off, holding the bra over her head tantalizingly before dropping it >to the floor. RICKY: I'd watch dropping it there. I think I just saw a mouse on a tiny Harley stealing stuff. >Nabiki put her hands on her hips and shook her ass to the beat of the >song, wiggling her butt in Ranma's face. At last she began pulling >off her very form-fitting pants, revealing a black thong underneath. >She kicked off her pants and stood before Ranma, wearing nothing but >a thong and a smile (and those dollar signs in her eyes). STEPHEN: So it's true... money is the root of all evil. >Okay! I'm finally past all that weird stuff and I'm ready for the >bad sex! Hurray for traditional lesbianism! DAVID: Would something about "Hooray for Boobies" be in bad form here? DAMIAN: Yes. DAVID: Well... too bad, I like Bloodhound Gang. >Um...where was I? Oh yeah, Nabiki was standing in front of Ranma >in a black thong, her hands on her hips. She had a sly grin on her >face, then noticed Ranma had frozen up. LOUIE: Get the Plasma Beam. >"Ranma?" Nabiki stepped in front of her. "Ranma, are you okay?" >In case you were wondering, Ranma was still sitting cross-legged on >the bed, perfectly still. Except she was buzzing. Really. DAMIAN: And that buzzer means that you are WRONG! >"Ranma?" Nabiki said again. She put her hand on her shoulder and >oddly enough, Ranma was vibrating. Seriously. "Oh, my," Nabiki >muttered. "Ranma, are you sure you want to do this?" RICKY: (Ranma) No. But when did that stop anyone in these kind of things? >Ranma answered her by leaping from the bed and tackling the almost- >naked Nabiki. Eager little bitch, ain't she? They both landed on >the carpet with a *thud*, with Nabiki breaking Ranma's fall somewhat. STEPHEN: Well, that Nabiki-shaped indention in the floor should give an idea of how much "somewhat" is. >The fall didn't deter Ranma from attaching herself to Nabiki's exposed >breast and sucking like an adjective! Nabiki gasped out loud at the >sudden sensation, then quickly pulled Ranma off her tit. DAVID: (Nabiki) Jeez, if you're that hungry, I'll just go start dinner! >"I guess that answers my question," Nabiki muttered. >Nabiki tried her damnedest to keep Ranma off her, which was a feat >in itself since Ranma was stronger than her. She eventually managed >to get Ranma back onto the bed with a few soothing words and a shiny >object. LOUIE: I dare not ask what. >With a good deal of effort, Nabiki got Ranma to lie down on her back and hold >still, except for the vibrating. Nabiki straddled Ranma and pulled off her >shirt, unveiling Ranma's exceptionally large breasts (not a bad curse, huh?) DAMIAN: So why doesn't he do like any other straight man would, and stare at himself all day? Er, I mean herself? Ah, skip it. >Nabiki dipped her head down and licked Ranma's right nipple, smiling at the >moans Ranma was emitting. If she was going to be that easy, there was serious >cash to be made! RICKY: (as Lionel Hutz, doing a great impression of the late, great Phil Hartman) You can "ching-ching-ching", cash in on this tragedy! >Nabiki licked all over Ranma's breast, getting the nipple good and >hard before switching to the other side. Ranma started bucking her >hips and Nabiki felt a wet spot hit her on each pelvic thrust. >'So much for foreplay,' Nabiki thought to herself. STEPHEN: (taunting) You can just see the money flying away, look, there it goes... >Nabiki pulled off Ranma's pants, revealing a great big dick! Heh, >just kidding! OR AM I?!?! DAVID: Am I evil? >.....................Yeah, I'm kidding. LOUIE: And we heave a collective sigh of relief. >Anyway, Ranma was naked now, and Nabiki was still in that thong, >which was riding up on her something fierce. She tore it off, making >a mental note to charge Ranma for it later. Now that everyone's good >and naked, let's get to the sex! (The screen flickers, then goes black. It crackles with electricity.) STEPHEN: What?! RICKY: The screen's gone out! MERLIN: (cold, robotic voice) Unauthorized access in theater area. Security measures implemented. Have a nice day. (Green gas vents from multiple points on the walls. The Warriors cover their faces with their shirts, and run towards the doors. They pound, they pry, but all to no avail. As the theater fills, the Warriors become desperate to find some way out. Finally, Ricky looks up - towards the projector. It's run from a small room, and the lens has enough space around it to allow someone into it. Quickly, the Warriors form a human totem. David kneels at the bottom, lifting Stephen up. He stretches his arms out, and Damian grabs hold. Louie climbs up all their shoulders, taking his place. Finally, Ricky vaults up in an impressive display of athletics, bounds off Louie, and pulls himself up into the projection room. He pulls up Louie, with Damian clinging to his legs, Stephen grabbing onto Damian's legs, and David holding onto Stephen's legs. The human chain is pulled up into the booth. Inside, it's very sparse - the projector, a standard [but amazingly air-tight] door, and little else. Everything in here is also a faint green tint, same as the gas.) DAMIAN: We made it. STEPHEN: But the gas is in here, too! DAVID: So cut the gum-flapping and let's get out of here! (David prepares to kick down the door. He rears back his foot, but before he can kick-) DAMIAN: WAIT! (David stops) Remember that this theater is sealed, since everywhere from here to the bridge and beyond has no air. That's how the bad Doc keeps us in, remember? DAVID: (mulls over it for a second) So? DAMIAN: So, if you kick that door in, you could kill us all. Either there won't be enough air, or we'll all get sucked into that giant vacuum out there. (Everyone stands there, not really sure of what to do. They try to hold their breath, since the gas has pretty well filled the room by now, blotting out the background in a thick green fog.) LOUIE: I'm willing to take that risk. DAVID: Finally, someone agrees. Screw the gab, let's GO! (He kicks the door in. The gas is sucked out into the hall that the door leads to - a bare-walled corridor. The Warriors dash down it, fueled by flight instinct. They smash open the door at the other end and enter the bridge, with the gas trailing, but dissipating in the wide expanse of the room. The Warriors scatter as they look for some solution to their mounting problem. Damian sprints down the darkened corridor to the room where Merlin's control center is based.) DAMIAN: Merlin! Safety check, now! MERLIN: Unauthorized presence. Command ignored. DAMIAN: Damn it, run a safety check right now! MERLIN: Unauthorized presence. Command ignored. (It seems clear - Merlin's gone hostile. Damian zips into the computer control room, vaults over the console, and starts examining it for some sort of sign of the trouble. From Damian's view, the console is dark, except for one glaring display: a status monitor. It reads "ERROR - INTRUSION DETECTED. SECURITY IN THEATER AREA BREACHED." Damian pounds at keys, but gets no response. As he feverishly taps at the console's input panel, the robotic "Merlin" voice speaks again.) MERLIN: Intruder! Console security breached! Initiating countermeasures! (Damian reaches for the keys again, but as his hand touches the console, electricity courses through him. He vibrates involuntarily for a moment, then is thrown back in a shower of sparks.) DAMIAN: Mother pus bucket! I can't work the console! MERLIN: No friendly lifeforms detected on ship. Ceasing all life-support system functions in 15 seconds. DAMIAN: I can't let this happen! It's either us or him! (Damian looks around frantically for something, ANYTHING, that could help him. His eyes come to a stop on a thick, heavy wooden plank, probably from a crate that a component was shipped in. He picks it up and hoists it over his head, ready to bash the console in...) DAMIAN: Wait... what if this stops life support for us anyway? (He mulls it over for only a moment, then -) DAMIAN: I have to risk it! AAAAAAAIIIYAH! (The commercial bumper comes on suddenly as Damian's roar echoes.) (Commercials: One for M&Ms - find the groovy bag, win groovy cash. One for Red Bull energy drink, with a cartoon man who gets revenge on a bird what craps on him. (The show returns, picking up where it left off.) (With a mighty roar, he brings the plank down on the console as hard as possible. The plank is splintered, and pieces fly off in all directions. The console sparks and smokes, then whirs lamely as it dies. Damian tenses up for a moment, expecting the inevitable. Instead, the ship returns to a fairly normal state - lights on, systems running. How lucky. Damian returns to the bridge, the smashed plank half still in his hand. The bridge is empty, except for the usual - consoles, counters, doors. He wipes his brow with the back of his hand, sighing loudly.) DAMIAN: Guys? Hello? (The red light flashes.) DAMIAN: Why now? Why not after the end of the universe? (He drops the plank half onto the button.) FORRESTER: Ah, so you're still alive. Seems there was a bit of a bug in the system up there. DAMIAN: (rather angry) A bit of a bug? It nearly killed all of us twice! I had to destroy an entire system to save our lives! FORRESTER: Ah, don't worry. I can fix it from down here. Meanwhile, you should be back in the theater. And don't worry, I had the air cycled out the moment I found out about the error and made sure everything's working. Now, off you go. (The other Warriors have appeared during the conversation.) STEPHEN: Well, that works. Unfortunately. (The lights and klaxons come on and the satellite rumbles.) DAMIAN: We have a real crap sign now! (They run to the theater.) (They sit down, in the usual order.) >Ranma finally took the initiative and sat up and RICKY: Rolled over and played dead and... >kissed Nabiki, then dragged her down to the bed. The >two kissed each other deeply, rubbing their tits together as their >nipples stiffened from excitement. STEPHEN: We got a couple of stiffs up here. Call the coroner. >Nabiki slid up and placed her chest in Ranma's face, letting out a gasp of surprise as Ranma took >one of Nabiki's nipples in her mouth and almost sucked it down her throat. (David makes choking noises) RICKY: (Nabiki) Aaaagh! That hurt! What the hell are you th... hey, can you breathe? >Ranma opened her mouth wide and took in as much of Nabiki's >breast as she could, sliding her tongue all over the delicious tit. LOUIE: (Ranma) Tastes like chicken! >Nabiki let out a loud moan at the feeling of that tongue on her tit, >realizing she was getting wet from this. DAMIAN: Ranma needs to fix that drooling problem. >She let Ranma suck on her for a minute, then wrestled her breast away and stuck the other one >in Ranma's face, who happily started sucking on it. RICKY: C'mon, you're working that thing like you expect it to give out beer. Give it a rest! STEPHEN: Hey, if boobs gave beer, we'd have happier kids, I'm sure. >(by the way, in case you're wondering, the Lust Virus is still trying >to figure out the total cost of all the sex packages available, so >it's too busy to infect Nabiki. Trust me, there's a reason for this. >Really, there is. I swear. A lot.) STEPHEN: (mock belief) Mm-hmm. (Louie fiddles with an abacus for a moment.) LOUIE: 37,000 from my estimate. RICKY: How do you know how to use that thing? LOUIE: I'm not sure. >Anyway, Nabiki pulled her tit away before Ranma suffocated, letting her >suck on the other one. She alternated between tits for a few minutes, >letting Ranma bring her to a few mini-orgasms. Finally she slid down >the bed, DAVID: Whump, off she goes. LOUIE: (Nabiki, dazed) I'm... okay. Really. >letting her hands slide over Ranma's body till they reached >her pussy. She got a devilish grin on her face, remembering that >Ranma had never been eaten out in her life, and decided to go for >broke. LOUIE: (Nabiki) Speaking of broke, could you hurry up and pay me? There's some guy named Guido out there waiting to break my legs. >She attacked Ranma's pussy with her tongue, licking all over DAMIAN: And promptly forming a hairball- STEPHEN: Venture no further, or be struck down where you sit. >and inside, and was quickly rewarded with a flood of pussy juice. RICKY: Good thing I held onto my flood pants. >Ranma bucked her hips as the pleasure filled her and her inexperienced >pussy convulsed in orgasm. Ranma let out a scream of pleasure as >Nabiki kept licking, driving her to orgasm yet again. STEPHEN: Coming soon to theaters: "Driving Miss Ranma". >Finally Nabiki stopped licking, both to rest and to figure out how much >to charge. As Ranma came down from bliss, she heard Nabiki typing up >numbers on her calculator. At this point Ranma remembered she didn't >have any money and jumped out the window! DAVID: She promptly landed in a heap on the ground. A dead, bloody heap, mind you. >"Cheapskate!" Nabiki shouted, throwing her shoe at Ranma's fleeing form. LOUIE: (Ranma) OW! That was a golf shoe! >Nabiki turned away from the window and sat down at her desk, still >naked and slightly pissed at being stiffed...and sorta upset that she >wasn't stiffed (bad, bad joke, I apologize). What she didn't see was DAMIAN: The fact that her whole room was upside down, and she was walking on the ceiling... STEPHEN: (Nabiki) This... isn't... really happening... >her shoe hitting Ranma and knocking her out. Ranma fell to the ground, >totally naked, and slept the sleep of a thousand snores. I swear I'm >gonna explain all this eventually. >*** >Meanwhile! RICKY: Back at the Hall of Justice, Aquaman watches TV and eats a bag of chips because he can't do jack crap. >I love that word. I think I'll say it again. MEANWHILE!!! >Getting on with it, while Ranma was sleeping off her sex package, and >Akane was wandering around town, kissing random people. STEPHEN: (Akane) Eeeeew, morning breath. >Unfortunately, one of those people happened to be Tatewaki Kuno, so there was some >screaming about marriage and whatnot. Naturally Akane had to put a >stop to this, and did so in the most violent way possible. I'm not >gonna get into the bloody details, because they're...well, bloody. DAVID: He does details, he does violence, but he skips on violent details. LOUIE: I'm sure it won't upset the order in the universe. >Anyway! Akane was headed in no particular direction, but by some >miracle, she ended up at the Cat Cafe, which just happened to be where >Shampoo was working right now. Naturally Akane walked in, devoid of >clothes and looking for a good time. DAMIAN: Fat chance. >Inside the Cat Cafe, Shampoo was cleaning up since it was a slow day. RICKY: That's usually what shampoo does. STEPHEN: Conditioner's better, it makes the hair shiny. >Mousse had gone...somewhere, Cologne was out getting cooking stuff, so >she was stuck sweeping up. Through no big coincidence, Akane picked >that moment to walk in, naked as could be. STEPHEN: (Akane) Is there a draft in here? >How surprised do you think Shampoo was to see her rival walk in, completely >naked? Hmm...yeah, she was more or less that surprised. >"Akane!" Shampoo exclaimed, "you lose bet?" DAVID: (Akane) I told you not to make fun of my gambling problems. >Akane had to think a bit about that. "Uh...yeah! I *did* lose a bet! >And...uh...I have to rub up against you! Yeah, that's the ticket!" >Shampoo didn't quite know what Akane was talking about, but once Akane >crossed the short distance between them and started rubbing up against >her, she got the idea. LOUIE: To invent a hilarious refrigerator alarm. >She screamed "Holy shit!" in Chinese (like I know how to curse in Chinese) >and tried to get away, but Akane had her in a deathgrip. Well, more like a >half-nelson, RICKY: (Nelson Muntz) Haw! >but you get the idea. >And boy, did Shampoo ever get scared when Akane started to undress her! >Just to speed things up a bit, STEPHEN: It's the one on the right. You step on it. >Akane managed to get all of Shampoo's >clothes off, though the amazon fought her every inch of the way. Right >up till Akane kissed her (with tongue) and the Lust Virus found a new >home! DAVID: Sure, it was dirty, and there were holes in the walls, and the landlord was an eighty year old pervert, but it was a home. >Since everything was in Chinese, it took a little while for it >to take effect, but through a process of trial and error (and kicking >everything) Shampoo began feeling the effects of the virus. The >effects, in this case, were Shampoo planting a big wet one right on >Akane's lips! STEPHEN: It would've gone smoother, except it's mighty hard to dig a trowel into bone. >Then Shampoo tossed Akane on a nearby table and leapt >on top of her! Naturally the table broke, so they had sex on the floor. >And here's how they did it! LOUIE: Quickly enough to not warrant a description? >Shampoo kissed Akane's face all over, DAMIAN: (Akane) Ow! Watch the eyeballs! >nibbling on her ears and neck. >Akane responded in kind, kissing Shampoo long and hard. They kissed >for many minutes, stopped, rented an oxygen tank, and started up again. RICKY: Wait a second, that's a helium tank. STEPHEN: (Akane with high-pitched voice - bear with me, you'll just have to imagine it) This stuff's worthless! >Finally Shampoo got up on her hands and knees, pressing down on Akane's >shoulders, pinning her to the floor. STEPHEN: One! Two! Three! The match is over, Shampoo wins the championship belt! >"You wait here," the amazon said, "Shampoo get toy!" She gave Akane >a quick kiss, then got up and ran to the back room. DAVID: (Shampoo) You like! It squeaks! >Akane, not knowing what else to do, simply lay there, idly picking >splinters out of her ass. The ones in her crack were a bitch to get, >too. LOUIE: There's a tempting line there, but I'll spare it, for her sake. >Soon Shampoo returned, carrying a big, fat double dildo! >Yeah, baby! DAMIAN: (unenthusiastic Austin Powers voice) Shagadelic. >"Oh, wow!" Akane exclaimed. "It's so...so...so..." (ran out of >adjectives here). RICKY: So pick up a few adverbs or something. >Shampoo was suddenly overtaken with lust (the virus got back from its >first language class at the lungs). STEPHEN: (teacher) Repeat after me: "Get me the hell out of here." >She fell on Akane and put one end >of the dildo in her mouth and sucked on it, licking the head. Akane >did the same, getting her end of the dildo good and wet. DAVID: As if it wouldn't be anyhow. >After dozens of seconds, Shampoo pulled the dildo away and pushed it into Akane's >pussy, making the girl moan. Shampoo grunted as she shoved the other >head of the dildo into her own cunt, pushing it in deep. LOUIE: (doctor) Push! Push! DAMIAN: (expectant father) Okay, you're doing great, just a little more - OH MY GOD, THAT'S HORRIBLE! *thump* >She gripped it with her vaginal muscles, then moved back and forth, fucking Akane >with the other end. Both girls moaned aloud, the dildo moving in and DAMIAN: Promptly putting a mess all over. There goes the cleaning deposit. >out of the both of them. Shampoo lay down on Akane's body, pressing >her tits against Akane's, rubbing them back and forth as the double >dildo fucked them both. They continued for what seemed like forever, RICKY: You have no idea how long forever is, son. >(but what was actually a half-hour or so) STEPHEN: Okay, I've heard women have more stamina, but this is ri-goddamn-diculous. >until finally, Akane shuddered DAVID: And passed out from hypothermia. Having no clothes on for a long period of time will do that to you. >and let out a loud cry as she climaxed. Shampoo fucked back against >the dildo even harder, quickly bringing herself to a raging orgasm LOUIE: Shampoo's RAGE is building! >herself, amplified by Akane's porn movie-esque screams. Finally >Shampoo collapsed on Akane, who was now breathing softly. After closer >inspection, she discovered that Akane was asleep! What a lightweight! DAMIAN: Hey, she broke a table, she can't be that light. >After a little while, Shampoo got up and pulled the dildo out of her, >then started looking around for other sources of hardcore sex. All of >a sudden, who should walk in the door, but Mousse! Dear, sweet, >moderately-hung Mousse. RICKY: (Mousse) Don't knock it, jack. It's all about the technique. >Sadly, he wasn't wearing his glasses, or he would've seen the currently-naked >Shampoo, along with the naked Akane, who was laying unconscious on the floor >with a dildo sticking out of her. Sucks for him, huh? STEPHEN: I have a feeling that it will. >Anyway, the virus was pushing for fucking Mousse, but Shampoo wanted >out of there, so they compromised. Shampoo smashed Mousse over the >head and splashed a nearby pot of water on him (cold, of course) then >put on a conveniently-placed trenchcoat, grabbed a butcher knife and >started chasing him. DAVID: (duck-Mousse) AFLAAAAAAAAAAC! >And boy, did that freak Mousse out! Well, not that much, since besides the >knife, it was pretty much normal for him. Sad, huh? > >Moving right along, Shampoo ended up chasing Mousse right past Ukyo's >okanomiaki restaurant. Ukyo was sweeping up outside, and seeing a >somewhat naked Shampoo chasing Mousse was...well, it was pretty damn odd. LOUIE: No, one part of that alone might be odd. The whole thing put together is proof that it's time to check into the funny farm. >Shampoo thought it was odd as well, since Ukyo never swept up outside... >So, she stopped to ask Ukyo about it. Can you guess where I'm going >with this? DAMIAN: (faking ignorance) No, not at all. Where are you going with this? >Irregardless, Shampoo was now standing in front of Ukyo's shop, naked >underneath the trenchcoat. RICKY: (Shampoo) Hey, Ukyo... you want buy watch? DAVID: (Ukyo) No! And close your coat. >Then the trenchcoat was removed, and damn, was she ever naked! Ukyo dropped >the broom in shock, both from being flashed and from the realization that she >was STEPHEN: Shrinking as she walked, until there was no way to make it anywhere without being lifted up... RICKY: (Ukyo) This isn't really happening! >holding a broom instead of her spatula. Shampoo dashed forward and tackled Ukyo, DAMIAN: Shampoo's toughness went over great. (He waits for applause... but there is none.) DAMIAN: ... or maybe not. >sending the both of them tumbling into the bar. Before Ukyo could recover, Shampoo got >up and locked the doors, naturally putting the "Closed" sign in the >window, then jumped on Ukyo again (she's fast, ain't she?) DAVID: Either that, or she's a hell of a jumper. >Well, keeping up with that speed, Shampoo managed to rip off Ukyo's >clothes faster than you can say "sex kitten!" Go on, say it. Hah! >Too late, her clothes are off! Ha-hah! LOUIE: Oh, hooray, hop about, clap paws, squeal with glee. >Well, anyway, Ukyo was reaching for her spatula when Shampoo felt up her >cunt, then the okanomiaki girl blushed a deep maroon. I have no idea if >that's physically possible, but then again, when has that ever stopped me? DAMIAN: What's the point of physical laws if you can't bend 'em a little? >Anyway! Shampoo was fingering Ukyo, and Ukyo was still reaching for >her spatula which was just out of her reach (ain't that the way?) RICKY: That ain't the way to San Jose. >Shampoo began fondling her breasts, and Ukyo let out a gasp of pleasure. >That gasp transformed into a moan, and then into a scream of rapture! >I learned a new word! Good for me! STEPHEN: Have a cookie. >About now, Ukyo finally grabbed her spatula and was about to whack >Shampoo over the head with it, when suddenly, Shampoo kissed her! Damn, >so close, huh? DAVID: (Maxwell Smart) Missed it by *that* much. >Shampoo soon broke the kiss, and Ukyo whacked her over the head with the spatula. >Hey, what can I say, it takes longer than that to take effect. Well, now Shampoo's >out cold, and Ukyo's about two seconds away from being horny enough to fuck a goat.' >Or maybe...wait! LOUIE: Please do - like until the end of the universe. >Ukyo looked at Shampoo, then looked at herself, and whacked herself over >the head with the spatula! Bet you didn't see that coming, huh? Huh!? DAMIAN: (drops to his knees) Thank you! Somebody up there likes me! >Well, anyway, Ukyo crawled out from under Shampoo and grabbed a bottle >of soy sauce from the counter. She poured a generous amount on the >handle of the spatula, that flat part you flip stuff with, and Shampoo's >crotch. DAMIAN: (still on the floor) Damn you! I hate you for all you are! >Don't worry, I'm going somewhere with this. Ukyo lowered her >head in between Shampoo's legs and started licking her prone pussy. >Shampoo moaned slightly in her sleep as Ukyo pretty much tongue-raped >her viciously. The soy sauce gave Shampoo's pussy a nice zing, and her >juices turned it into a sweet and sour type of deal. RICKY: I hate to say it, but that ain't sweet-and-sour sauce... >Ukyo thought of going for the wasabi, but that would've been overkill. STEPHEN: (like in the Bud commercial) Wasaaaaabi! LOUIE: Come now, you can do better than that hackneyed old bit. STEPHEN: Okay. How about she snort it like Steve-O? >She kept licking, adding more soy sauce when the flavor started to go flat. >During all this, Shampoo was writhing in pleasure, but still very much unconscious. >Finally Shampoo's body shook and she climaxed, just as Ukyo ran out of >soy sauce! How's that for convenience? DAVID: Until you can give us Big Gulps and hot dogs to go with that, I still say it's not convenient enough. >Well, now Ukyo's both horny and hungry, so she grabbed her spatula and >headed off into the streets for a quick fuck. Speaking of which, let's >see what happened to Ranma, seeing as she's the star of the show and all. >*** >Ranma is, as we all know, naked and horny and out in Nerima. Well, not >so naked, as she managed to find an old coat in the trash. LOUIE: Trash digger! >Unfortunately the Lust Virus was having trouble inside her, since Ranma kept getting >splashed with warm and cold water and changing back from a boy to a girl >and vice-versa, and now the poor thing was very confused. Fortunately >it finally figured out a way to keep everything in balance, DAMIAN: (with mounting horror) Sweet Zombie Jesus, no... >and Ranma lost the urge to hump the trash can. >Unfortunately (Ranma's got bad luck!) Tatewaki Kuno just happened to >show up, entirely by circumstance, a coincidence, really. Anyway, Kuno >saw Ranma, then ran up and prepared to sweep her off her feet. RICKY: Foot sweeps are a cheap tactic. >"Pig-tailed girl!" the psycho (Kuno, whatever...) shouted. He dashed >up to her and whipped out a book of poetry, then recited an obscure line >from Hamlet (like I remember that shit). STEPHEN: "The play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king." LOUIE: "Frailty, thy name is woman!" DAVID: "Good night sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!" >"Kuno..." Ranma said slowly, "I can't resist! I must give myself to you >now! Right now, right here!" >Kuno was, of course, very surprised. But also very glad. "Oh, Pig-tailed >girl! You don't know how long I've waited to hear you say that!" >"Well, come and get it, Kuno baby!" And with that, Ranma opened her coat >and revealed...A GREAT BIG DICK!!! AND NO, I'M *NOT* KIDDING!!! >BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOUIE: Almost as evil as Bowser, and he laughs just like him, too! >*ahem* >Now, when Kuno saw this penis on the female form, he was...well, picture >a screaming Kuno ala Homer Simpson to this: >"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA >AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DAMIAN: *gasp* >AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA >AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH DAMIAN: *gasp* >HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH >HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH >HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" DAMIAN: Whew! >Yep. Lots of screaming there. That one exclamation point was supposed >to signify that he fell unconscious, but that sure as shit didn't work >out. RICKY: No wonder it's so out of shape. >Anyway, Ranma was wondering why Kuno *didn't* want to fuck her >after lusting after her for so long, then she noticed the GBD (Great >Big Dick). She gasped out loud, then dashed home like a madman with >an erection. Or...madwoman, whatever. >*** >Where was Ranma going? STEPHEN: To Grizzlebee's! >Well, first let's move back to the Tendo dojo, where...oh my, Ukyo's there! >And so's Nabiki! And...Nabiki's reciting her list of services to Ukyo! >Oh my! Can you tell I'm making this up on the spot? Who cares! DAVID: Isn't that supposed to be the idea? >"Now, since you're not family, I'm gonna have to charge you extra," LOUIE: Incest is best. RICKY: Only if you're trying to develop a third arm growing out of your ass. >Nabiki stated, "but with the profits your okanomiaki shop has made, >I'm sure it'll be within your price range." DAMIAN: (Nabiki) Ah, who'm I kidding? You couldn't afford any of this if you lived to be a million! STEPHEN: And by then, who'd want to do it? >Naturally Ukyo just wanted to fuck. "Yeah, yeah, just get in there and >get your clothes off!" Who says romance is dead? RICKY: It's not just dead, it's been cremated, then someone pissed in the ashes. LOUIE: And then they sold the ashes to Hallmark. >Right at that exact moment, (is anyone timing this?) Ranma ran up to >the dojo, still clad in that ratty old coat, and screamed, "HEY!!!" DAMIAN: Hay's for horses. DAVID: Hay is cheap, grass is free. >"Ranma, honey!" Ukyo exclaimed, using the cheesy dub pet name. She ran >up to glomp him, but Ranma ducked away from her. "What's wrong, Ranma?" >(no more cheesy dub pet name, by the way). STEPHEN: Just cheesy everything else? >Ranma chuckled, her new cock throbbing for pussy. Her pussy was throbbing >as well, by the way. There was lots of throbbing. DAVID: Like the veins in my forehead. >"Nothing's wrong, in fact, everything's all right again!" She whipped open the coat, >giving full view of the GBD to all present! >"Holy hell!!" Ukyo screamed. >"Oh my..." Nabiki said quietly. LOUIE: "We're dead men." Louie muttered under his breath. >"Who gots da penis? I gots da penis! Yeah, baby!" >That was Ranma, and I'm not even going to tell you what she's doing right now, >it's too annoying. >Nabiki listened to Ranma's singing for about five seconds, then walked >up to her and kicked her in the balls (she's got those now, y'know). (The Warriors all tense up in a sympathy cringe.) >Anyway! After Ranma got over the intense and agonizing pain, she and >Ukyo began bargaining. Bargaining...for sex!!! Um........right. DAMIAN: Left. Left. Right. Must find the cheese. >So Nabiki was reading from her list of services... "Now, since Ukyo's >not family, I'm going to have to charge her extra, and given Ranma's >current 'situation,' that'll have to be added on as well. So your >total comes to..." RICKY: $10,000. No, wait, that's my loan payments... >"Yeah, yeah," Ranma interrupted, "Just tell us the total later!" She's >an eager little thing, ain't she? >Nabiki grinned at that. This was like giving a blank check to...well, >to Nabiki. As the dollar (yen) signs rolled around in Nabiki's head, STEPHEN: They kept bumping into things and knocking out synapses. >they went inside and up to her room, sans clothing on Ranma and Ukyo's >part. And hoo-baby, they sure surprised Kasumi! >Okay, bedroom. As soon as Nabiki closed the door, both Ukyo and Ranma >tackled her and they all landed on the bed. DAVID: They promptly bounced off and hit their heads. RICKY: No more monkeys jumping on the bed! >Ukyo was already naked, and Ranma had tossed away her coat, so that just left Nabiki. >She was about to do another strip show when Ranma and Ukyo descended on her >like horny locusts. LOUIE: (Zorak) I am the lone locust of the Apocalypse. RICKY: (Space Ghost) I thought you were a mantis. >They quickly stripped her with no regard for foreplay (like that matters anymore). >They laid Nabiki down on her back and Ukyo quickly climbed up and lowered her pussy >on Nabiki's face. DAMIAN: There's a lot of jokes we could make about that, but we've done them all before. >Meanwhile, Ranma spread Nabiki's legs and licked her briefly, then >thrust the GBD into her waiting snatch. Nabiki moaned into Ukyo's >pussy and continued licking, feeling Ranma's cock sliding in and out of >her vagina. At this point the Lust Virus got reinforcements from RICKY: The bases it had captured. >both Ukyo and Ranma, and between them they were able to total up the amount >for the sex packages. Then the three viruses got into a bitch fight >for supremacy. I'm not going to say who won, so just use your imagination. STEPHEN: Mutually assured destruction. But I can only hope. >At this point the girls were really getting into the swing of things. >Nabiki licked with a new ferocity, making Ukyo groan in pleasure. Ranma >fucked Nabiki like a dickgirl possessed, DAVID: We need an old priest and a young priest. >moaning at the tightness of the Tendo sister's pussy. This new penis of hers was >much more sensitive than the one on her male body, LOUIE: So it stopped leaving the toilet seat up and didn't mind going to Bath and Body Works. RICKY: No one's that sensititve. >and she quickly came, unloading deep in Nabiki's cunt. Thanks to the Lust Virus, DAMIAN: I got a $3 million settlement when I threw myself down a flight of stairs. >Ranma remained hard again and ready to go! She started fucking Nabiki a second time, >who was now licking Ukyo to her first orgasm. Ukyo began to grind her crotch RICKY: In the coffee grinder. Too bad she forgot there's a big metal blade in there. >against Nabiki's tongue, gently rubbing her own breasts as the tongue >against her clit sent her over the edge. >By this time Nabiki was the only one who hadn't cum yet, and that's a >good thing, because she managed to get Ranma off of her and slip away >from Ukyo. Now for the fun part! STEPHEN: The part where it says "THE END"? >Nabiki went to her nightstand and pulled out...a furby! Then she tossed that thing >out the window and DAVID: Beaned a passerby right in the head with it! >picked up her strap-on. "I've always wanted to try this out," she said >with an evil grin. A three-inch dildo pointed up on the inside, and she >moaned quietly as it went inside her as she slipped it on. The rubber >cock jutting out from the front was a good eight inches long, LOUIE: Is that including the beak? DAMIAN: Why in the - LOUIE: Someone had to say it. I feel dirty now. >almost as big as Ranma's. At this point, there was a take-no-prisoners attitude in the air. DAMIAN: Shoot first and don't ask questions later. >Ranma jumped on Ukyo's shoulders and stuffed the GBD in her mouth, which >pulled Ukyo down to her hands and knees, which gave Nabiki an opening >to fuck her pussy. You go, girls! RICKY: Preferably away from us. >So anyway, Ukyo was being banged from both ends, and was desperately >trying to keep up with either one of them. Ranma was fucking her face >with reckless abandon, while Nabiki was taking her time, sliding the >plastic cock in and out in a nice, even pace. There was a really >weird rhythm going on there, STEPHEN: And it makes you wannt get up and (he jumps from his seat and moves spasmodically) DANCE! Dance, sucka! (He continues for a moment, then sits down as if nothing's happened) Okay, that's out of my system. >at least till Ranma came for the second time, giving Ukyo a nice, >healthy drink of cum. >Nabiki pulled out of Ukyo's cunt, then rubbed the tip of the strap-on >against her tight asshole. Ukyo moaned a protest through Ranma's cock, >but you think anyone's gonna listen at this point? 'course not. DAVID: It's like talking to a deaf man. >Without waiting for approval, Nabiki thrust the first half of the >strap-on into Ukyo's ass, while Ranma pulled her upright and scooted >forward, LOUIE: Promptly tripping over herself and falling, causing massive pain to all involved. >slipping her still-hard cock into Ukyo's dripping pussy. They >began rubbing their breasts together, their hard nipples causing a >delightful friction on their skin. DAMIAN: Right up until it burst into flame. >All of a sudden both Nabiki and Ranma thrust their respective tools in >all the way, causing Ukyo to RICKY: Squeal like a stuck pig. >gasp out loud. The dildo on the inside of Nabiki's strap-on shook inside >of her every time she fucked Ukyo's taut ass, exciting her to no end. >Meanwhile Ranma was out of her mind STEPHEN: And the upper half of her body promptly exploded! LOUIE: (Ranma) This isn't really happening... >with pleasure as Ukyo's pussy squeezed her cock like Mill squeezes Maze >(obscure anime reference, whoever gets it wins a mystery prize). >She began kissing Ukyo, the feeling of their tongues dancing together DAVID: Turning into pain as they stumbled through each step of Dynamite Rave. >only heightening the pleasure. >Finally Ranma felt her third orgasm approaching and fucked Ukyo faster >and faster. Nabiki did the same, and soon all three climaxed simultaneously >(or close enough so you couldn't tell them apart). They all screamed LOUIE: Like banshees on blow and fell over dead. >in unison, Ukyo's holes squeezing the two cocks stuck deep inside. Once >the pleasure subsided, they all collapsed on the floor, tired, spent, >and still hopped up on hormones. That means humping in their sleep, >people! DAMIAN: Goody goodrops, it's not over. >*** DAMIAN: Or maybe it is. And there's those goodrops I was talking about. >So anyway, Dr. Lustidick and Ms. Jugglesworth were still in the dark >and scary warehouse. >Ms. Jugglesworth had her attention elsewhere, however. "Yes, I'm totally >naked," she said into her cell phone. STEPHEN: He's not gonna do it again, is he? >"Uh-huh. Wow. Yeah, I'm rubbing my breasts. Really? That big, huh? Okay, now I'm--" >"Will you stop that?!" the doc shouted. "I just ate lunch!" RICKY: It just sounds wrong. All, all wrong. >Ms. Jugglesworth shot him a look. "Fabio, I have to go. STEPHEN: Aaaaaaaarrrrrrgh! LOUIE: Stephen, it's inevitable. Let it go. >Well, I don't care if you're all big and ready, the ass--er, the doctor is getting >squeamish. DAVID: With a name like Lustidick, you'd think he wouldn't mind. >Look--no, look, I have to go. No, I have to go. Fuck off. >No. Goodbye." She hung up, and... "Geez, that guy is needy..." >"From now on, I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your phone sex away from >my meals!" the doc screeched. He was about to continue screaming about >the phone sex and the Packers when suddenly, LOUIE: He looked in the bathtub, and there he was, in a tub full of blood! RICKY: (Dr. L) This... isn't... really happening! >a strange man and a big- breasted brunette burst into the warehouse! >"Dr. Lustidick!" the man shouted. "I've finally found you!" >"Gasp!" Er...the doctor gasped. >"Uh...who's this?" Ms. Jugglesworth asked. DAMIAN: Proof that alternate universes may actually exist. >"I am Dr. Lustidick's greatest rival!" the man said, somewhat proudly. >"And I am his assistant!" the brunette cackled. >Finally the doc and Ms. Jugglesworth recognized the two, and...! RICKY: Immediately started gabbing about old times at Mad Science U. >"Dr. Longshlong!" >"Miss Titsalot!" >Yes, those are their names. And just when you thought it couldn't get >any stranger... STEPHEN: I never assume that about this stuff. >"Freeze, Dr. Lustidick! You're under arrest!" >I think you know who that was. DAVID: I know who it was, now what's he wearing this time? >"Oh, for the love of lust..." Dr. Lustidick muttered. >"Okay..." Ms. Jugglesworth said to Molder, "I gotta ask, why are you in a >Japanese schoolgirl uniform?" >"The sandwich sign chafed," Molder said angrily. "Now put your hands up!" >"Up where?" Dr. Longshlong asked. LOUIE: On a shelf, for all it matters! Just do what the man says so we can get on with this! >At that moment, Skully realized who the other two were. "Hey, you're--! >Quick, cuff 'em!" >"Huh?" DAMIAN: She said, "Quick, cuff 'em!" >After much scuffling and slapping of cuffs, Molder and Skully dragged >the other doctor and assistant away. "You two are going away for a long >time!" Skully said triumphantly. >"Noooooo!" Dr. Longshlong screamed in frustration. "You won't escape, >Lustidick! I'll hunt you down, even if it takes me the rest of my life!" RICKY: But then you'd be dead, and it wouldn't matter, right? >"Riiiight," Miss Titsalot said in annoyance. Just before she was dragged >off, she called to Ms. Jugglesworth, "Hey, let me know when you dump >that guy you're with, my cousin's been looking for a good time." >"Send me a photo of him from prison, okay?" Ms. Jugglesworth said, >hoping for a decent non-clingy guy this time. STEPHEN: Then maybe I can live in peace. >"Uh, Skully? What about those two?" Molder asked, pointing at the doc. >"Er..." Skully thought for a moment, then said, "You two stay here, >we'll be right back." Like that's gonna happen... >"Ms. Jugglesworth..." the doc mumbled quietly. >"We're escaping to another anime universe?" Ms. Jugglesworth asked, >hoping it was to the DBZ universe this time. DAVID: Maybe it will be - then we might have half a chance of knowing the score, so to speak. >"No, we're escaping to a store to get me some aspirin." >*** >During all this, back at the Tendo dojo, Ranma and company were just >waking up and realizing they were all very, very horny. Ranma and >Nabiki began to hump Ukyo again, and Ukyo naturally began humping back, >when suddenly! LOUIE: I'm not doing any more Eternal Darkness riffs. I'm all out of insanity effects to base them on, anyway. >Nothing happened. Then Ryoga burst in the room, shouting, "Ranma Saotome, >I've finally--OH MY GOD IN HEAVEN!!!!!!!" >"Ryoga!" Ranma said happily. Come on, join the party!" She pulled out >of Ukyo and stood up, her GBD bobbing up and down like...well, like a >Great Big Dick. Ranma advanced, DAMIAN: Game Boy Advance. Life Advanced. (He holds up a small sign which reads, "$PLUG$") >coming closer and closer, while a scared Ryoga just stood there like a deer >caught in the headlights...with a giant penis as a hood ornament. RICKY: Something like that would tear the antlers right off! >But! Just before Ranma could kiss Ryoga, the two IBI agents burst in >the room! "Alright, everybody freeze," Skully exclaimed, "And--hey, >stop that!" she shouted at Ranma, who was currently humping her leg. STEPHEN: Pavlov's dog learns a new trick. >"Come on, give them the cure," Molder ordered Dr. Longshlong, who was >still being dragged in cuffs. >"Look," the doc said, "just because Lustidick is my rival and I'll do >anything to stop him, that doesn't mean I always carry a cure to his >Lust Virus in my pocket!" DAVID: (Molder) Then where do you carry it? RICKY: (Dr. L, the other one) You don't wanna know. >"Then what's this?" Skully asked, taking a vial of red liquid from the >doc's coat pocket. >"Jell-o," the doc said calmly. >"There's always room for Jell-o!" Ranma exclaimed, and quickly downed >the contents. All of a sudden, her penis withered up and fell off! LOUIE: Stephen, do the honors. STEPHEN: Sorry, that one hits too close to home. >"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" As you can see, this was quite a shock! >Well, it was till the Lust Virus got a dose of the cure and left her >system. DAMIAN: And it left all its stuff there, too. >Then she remembered what she just did to Ukyo and promptly >jumped out the window and ran for his life. >"Hey!!" Nabiki shouted after him, "You owe me eighty-thousand yen and >three more orgasms, you bastard!" >Well, to make a long recovery short, everyone was administered a cure, >and Ukyo was rather embarrassed, to say the least. RICKY: And no one could be happier than us that it is the least. >Nabiki was less embarrassed than pissed about her lost payment, but then >again, she had pictures of the whole mess, and Ranma would pay dearly to >avoid having those babies presented to the public at large. STEPHEN: Ah, blackmail. Such a great method of bonding. >Dr. Longshlong and Miss Titsalot were arrested for illegal biological >experimentation, and were sentenced to life in prison, or until they >escaped, whichever came first. Speaking of criminals with really weird >names, let's check in on the other dynamic duo, shall we? DAVID: So it's off to stately Wayne Manor? >*** >So after the inevitable trip to the drugstore, the doc and Ms. Jugglesworth >did indeed escape to another anime series, and here they are! >"Perfect!" the doctor exclaimed. "This world is wild and untamed, a >veritable smorgasbord of subjects!" >"But doctor, there's no one around." >"Ms. Jugglesworth..." >"Yes, doctor?" >"Wait five seconds." 5...4...3...2...1... LOUIE: Time! This game's winner is... Roy! DAMIAN: (Roy from Fire Emblem/Super Smash Bros.: Melee) Kurashi tatakai datta. (Translation: It was a tough battle.) >And so, a small red-headed girl with tiny breasts walked by, followed by >a moron with a sword of light, a guy who was 1/3 golem, demon, and human, >and a justice-minded girl with big tits. >"Never mind, doctor..." >The doctor laughed an evil laugh, which got strange looks from his >assistant and the people who'd just walked past. "Wonderful, wonderful! >This world shall prove powerless against my delightful virus!" DAMIAN: Good news for you, bad news for us. >"Uh...there doesn't appear to be any warehouses around here," Ms. >Jugglesworth observed. >"Then we shall build one!" The doctor cackled again, and the small- >breasted redhead began muttering something. RICKY: (redhead) I can't believe they're making me do this... >"But we don't have any materials," Ms. Jugglesworth pointed out. The >redhead was still muttering. >"Then we'll hire some lumberjacks to get some for us!" >"Where the hell are we gonna find lumberjacks all the way out here? STEPHEN: Just listen for the singing: "Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay..." >Suddenly... "Dragon Slave!!!" (Damian leaps behind the seat in preparation for what's coming. The others don't get it, and) >*BOOM!!!* (they're promptly blasted back about five rows.) >"That's it!" the doctor said as he flew through the air, "We'll go to >the city! There's sure to be a place for rent there!" >"Hey, what's that masturbating panda doing here?" >"That's a different one." DAVID: You just can't get away from those things, they're like mosquitoes. >"Well, that's just great..." >To be continued! LOUIE: We hope not... >----------------------------------------------------------------------- >Ohh, I'm gonna have fun with the next one. I just got the Slayers Try >DVD boxed set, so expect Filia and Xellos to show up as well! DAMIAN: We're lost again. >Well, maybe just Filia, Xellos would probably find some way to stop the whole >mess. Or he'd transform into a tentacle monster, and...hmmmmmmm... RICKY: You offer us no hope. >Well, anyway, Dr. Longshlong and Miss Titsalot will play a part in all >this, but how big of a part, I don't know yet. Maybe they'll turn out >to be Lustidick's undoing, I don't know... Eh, I'll think of something, >no doubt about that. > >Kuragari no Hateshiganai no Sensei >Shadow STEPHEN: The only fan we have who could destroy us with the right moves. LOUIE: The doors are open. And they're working! DAMIAN: Let's get out of here before something else happens. (They exeunt.) (Bridge. Everything is okay. The Warriors are milling about. Damian is leaning on a console.) STEPHEN: I wonder if Merlin will come back. DAVID: And if he does, if he'll be the same. MERLIN: Indeed, I am the same. DAMIAN: (scared out of his wits) YIPE! (Damian jumps back, tumbling over the console he was leaning against and falling behind it.) MERLIN: There is no need to worry, Captain. I have been restored to normal status. Furthermore, the error in my programming that caused today's incident has been excised. DAMIAN: (peeking up from behind the console) You're sure? MERLIN: There is no doubt. By the by, I am quite sorry about what happened. My actions were improper and could have brought you harm. I have violated my prime directive, and should be penalized. DAMIAN: Absolutely not. You couldn't control it. RICKY: We don't hold it against you. MERLIN: Very well. The High Commander is calling. LOUIE: Joy. DR. F: Well, I see you're still coherent. Looks like your friend Shadow is slipping. STEPHEN: I think he's letting up on us. DR. F: I should hope not - I depend on him as a viable source of possible weapons. On another note, is your friend back to your liking? DAVID: He's fine. DR. F: Bah. Well, I've got nothing else to do with you for now. Until next time, when I break you like a cheap vase... (He hits the button.) MERLIN: Will the High Commander take it out on me if he fails? RICKY: I don't think he's that petty. \ | / \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ -----o----- SHHEEEOOooooo... /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ / | \ AUTHOR'S NOTES: Finally. This took FOREVER. I lost the computer, I lost access to the 'net, I lost lots of time. Fortunately, I got back most everything. The next part is gonna be a BIG one, once I get around to doing it. If money, legal troubles, work, and life don't all get in the way, I'll be able to finish another episode (the only one in Season Five, probably) before 2004. >"Who gots da penis? I gots da penis! Yeah, baby!" >That was Ranma, and I'm not even going to tell you what she's doing right now, >it's too annoying. >Nabiki listened to Ranma's singing for about five seconds, then walked >up to her and kicked her in the balls (she's got those now, y'know). Keep circulating the crap...