MAGIC WARRIOR THEATER 3000 Episode 401: "Shadow's Fourth"
Fic MSTed by Pika-Screw (cubecutter@despammed.com)

Disclaimers: Tenchi Muyo! is property of Pioneer Entertainment.
Magic: the Gathering is the creation of Richard Garfield, and is
distributed by Wizards of the Coast, a division of Hasbro.
The Magic Warriors, Magic Warrior Theater 3000, and the
likenesses of the Warriors are property of me.
All other things mentioned are property of their respective owners.

"Lust Virus: Six Girls, a Guy, and a Wacko Virus" is property of
Shadow, as per usual.  The guy's a veritable freaky fic factory.

It's another lemon this time.  Check your age.  If it's not 18, you
better get the hell out now before I mop the place with your face.

Now that that's out of the way, it's time to grab your chocolate and
your frying pans, it's time to start the show.

Best Brains, Inc., and Wizards of the Coast present...

A ScruYuTu MSTing...

Theme from Magic Warrior Theater 3000

In the not-too-distant future,
In the labs of Deep 13,
There was a man named Doctor F -
A threat to you and me.
He caught a kid by the name of Hood
And some Magic Warriors for the side of Good,
His experiment needed a good test case
So he took all of their powers
And he shot them into space! (Get us down!)
I'll send them cheesy fanfics,
The worst I can find, (la-la-la)
They'll have to sit and read them all,
And we'll monitor their minds. (la-la-la)
Now keep in mind they can't control
where the fanfics begin or end, (la-la-la)
But they'll just have to bear them all
Because they're supposed to be friends.
*Warrior Roll Call*
Stephen! (Death becomes you.)
Ricky! (Flame on!)
David! (Walk toward the light...)
Louuuuuuuuuuie! (It's insane.)
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe,
And other science facts (la-la-la)
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,
I should really just relax,"
For Magic Warrior Theater 3000!

(Bridge.  Stephen and Louie are arguing about something.)

STEPHEN: And I say, Bernie Shifman is a prime example of what school back
home did to otherwise perfectly good people like us! He could've been
anything, but he chooses to be a moron spammer!
LOUIE: What are you talking about?  I thought we were discussing how
Slashdot is damaging to web servers because it strains them so?
STEPHEN: I was going to get back to that, if you would just be patient.  I...
MERLIN: The camera is on, Lieutenants.
LOUIE: Hey.  Stephen and I were just discussing some things about the
Internet world while the others are in the Hellraiser's Room.
STEPHEN: Anyway, as I was saying... uh, what was I saying?
LOUIE: You were admitting I was right.
STEPHEN: Okay the, I... hey, that's not right...

(Holographic Hellraiser's Room.  Damian, Ricky, and David are simulating
a multiplayer deathmatch from Conker's Bad Fur Day.  Damian, as Neo-Conker,
is carrying a chainsaw.  Ricky, as Gregg the Grim Reaper [sans cloak],
wields dual 9mm machineguns.  David, sneaking about as a Tedi, carries
about a flamethrower.  Damian rounds a corner to find David, rushing about
without much concern for his own well-being.  Damian jumps out and swings
at David with his chainsaw, slicing him to pieces.)

DAVID: (in Tediz voice) Aaaagh!  Aaagh!  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaigh... (He dies.)
RICKY: (from behind Damian, in Gregg voice) Right.  Time to piss off.

(He aims his guns at Damian, who strafes about trying to dodge.  As he closes
into slicing range, Ricky blasts the leather-clad squirrel's head clean off.)

RICKY: (Gregg voice) Sodding bastard.

(The game ends.  The surroundings fade away, leaving the usual.  The three
exeunt.)

(Back on the bridge, all 5 Warriors are joined again.  The three BFD players
talk amongst themselves, while the other two watch, content with stopping
their own conversation.)

DAMIAN: You sneaking sack of bones!  You tried to shoot me in the back!
RICKY: (Gregg voice, still) All's fair in love and war, mate.
DAVID: Hey, don't talk about a bad death - you sliced my torso in two!
DAMIAN: Ah, hold your stuffing, button-eyes.  I'm on fire here.
DAVID: If I had my way, you would be!

(The yellow light flashes.  Stephen hits it.)

STEPHEN: We'll be back.

(Over the bumper, the three still argue.)

(Commercials: )

(The show returns.  Damian, Ricky, and David are *still* arguing over
their game.)

STEPHEN: (trying to be heard over the argument) Uh, guys?  Guys?  Have you
thought that maybe Doc F will call?
LOUIE: (extremely loud) Hey, dumbasses!  Listen up!
(The three immediately fall silent, just as the red light flashes.  Louie
hits it.)
LOUIE: (hoarse) Better.
DR. FORRESTER: Ah, if it isn't the Weasel Brigade.  How does life go, boys?
RICKY: You're the one with all the monitoring devices - you tell us.
DAVID: So, where's the kid?
DR. FORRESTER: Ah, him.  Don't worry, the girl has him.
(Usagi walks in, carrying Frank as he nurses quietly.  She doesn't notice the
fact that the video feed is on until she looks up...)
USAGI: Aaah!  Jeez, doc, next time, warn me!
DR. FORRESTER: I didn't know you were behind me.  I only have two eyes, you know.
USAGI: Get one of those red lights like they have at movie studios or something,
so I'll know when it's on!
DAMIAN: Don't worry, Frank's blocking anything you think we shouldn't see.
DR. FORRESTER: Anyway, boys, it's time for your experiment.  Your bit of pain
this time is yet another entry from your favorite author.
DAMIAN: Azrael?
DR. FORRESTER: Yet again, you are wrong.  No, it's from another frequent author
who seems to have taken sort of a liking to you.
RICKY: Oh, no... not him...
DR. FORRESTER: Yes, Harvester of Catfish, it's Shadow!
WARRIORS: Aaaaaaaaaaagh!
DR. FORRESTER: It's nice to know you react so well.  Into the theater with you,
Ugas!
(The screen blinks off.)
DAVID: Did he say Shadow has taken a liking to us?
LOUIE: Is that why he keeps doing this?
(On the SOM, lights and klaxons go off and the satellite rumbles.)
DAMIAN: Well, I'll investigate that later, because right now we've got CRAP SIGN!

(They run to the theater.)

(Door sequence: Dog bone first, then...
6: Lasers block the way.  You deftly vault by them, narrowly escaping being hit.
5: A wall of puzzle blocks bar the way.  You switch a pair of them, and they disappear in
groups of three, slowly cascading down until all are gone.
4: A remote-controlled garage door.  You try to use the remote, but the
batteries are dead.  You raise the door yourself.
3: A door with a huge keyhole.  The key hops about near the door.  You take
a frying pan and bash the key, then use it in the door.
2: Two tall Nordic men with rifles block the way.  You toss a proximity
mine near them and run back through door 3.  When you hear the mine explode,
you go through.
1: A door divided into 5 sections, each with one of the magic symbols on it.
The sections retract, then shut as you enter.)

(Theater. The Warriors scramble to sit down, ending up in this order:
Ricky, David, Damian, Stephen, Louie.)

STEPHEN: I'd wager my life savings it's another Lust Virus fic.
DAVID: Do we get anything else from him?

>The Lust Virus: Six Girls, a Guy, and a Wacko Virus

DAMIAN: Magic Warrior Theater 3000: Five Guys, a Girl, a Baby, and a Wacko Doctor.

>As I'm sure you've come to expect, I have a strange and unusual promo
>for this lemon.  I don't really know what it is right now, but I'll
>think of something.

RICKY: Show a girl picking flowers, then a mushroom cloud.
DAVID: It's been done.
RICKY: Okay, then ask, "Where's the beef?"
DAVID: That, too.  And do you really think it'd be a good idea to promote a
lemon that way?

>Hmm...I feel like it should be something about a dead hooker in a car trunk
>somewhere in Cleveland...

STEPHEN: Cleveland rocks!

>Well, I'll work on that, and while I'm doing this you can read the lemon.  Have
>fun!

DAVID: Don't we always, man?

>***

LOUIE: It's a sign.
RICKY: Yeah, "Do Not Enter".

>On top of a hill in the less-populated area of Japan was something dark
>and sinister and horrible and evil and just totally wrong.  It was...

DAMIAN: A billboard showing "All Your Base" ripoff videos on infinite loop?

>a big pink building with a nude Britney Spears poster covering the
>east wall!

WARRIORS: (various reactions, including retching and widened eyes)

>Wait, isn't that a good thing?  Hmm... Spears music = bad. Spears naked body =
>good.

DAMIAN: Food good, Cracker Barrel bad.
RICKY: Grandma kiss good, tongue kiss bad.

>I'M SO CONFUSED!!

RICKY: (counselor voice) Anytime you need to talk to someone, I'm here.

>Well, anyway, inside that building was, you guessed it, Barney and his friends!

STEPHEN: Ugh!  I'd rather have the building with the poster than that!

>No, it was Dr. Lustidick and Ms. Jugglesworth.  And here's why they're not in
>the DBZ universe:  the real-estate prices on an evil warehouse were way too
>high when they arrived, so they decided to take

DAVID: Legal action for price gouging.

>a detour and do something else to pass the time.  And, of course, they
>ended up in this universe, and just happened to run into Tenchi Masaki
>when making a sake run.

LOUIE: (putting his head into his hands) And everything is in perspective.

>But anyway!  The doctor was watching a Packers/Browns game on a new 25" TV, and
>Ms. Jugglesworth was writing a love letter to Vegeta while trying to make it
>sound tough enough so he wouldn't just torch it on the first line.

DAMIAN: Whatever happened to--
STEPHEN: Don't.  I'd rather he drop that joke than force me through knowing
I drove him to it.

>"What rhymes with super-saiyan love machine?" Ms. Jugglesworth asked
>aloud.
>"Quiet!" Dr. Lustidick hissed.  "It's the fourth down on the Packers'
>10-yard line!  Have you no respect for the game?!"

RICKY: (Jugglesworth) Sure I do - that's why I don't root for the Packers.

>Ms. Jugglesworth looked at him blankly for a few seconds, then said,
>"No, none at all."

RICKY: So what's to riff?

>The doctor glared at her, then there were football-ish sounds, and he
>suddenly threw his arms up and shouted in anguish.  "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT,
>WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING LIVE ANYMORE!!!"

STEPHEN: Ooo!  Ooo!  I'll take care of that problem!

>That's a whole lot of anguish, ne?
>"Browns scored, huh?" Ms. Jugglesworth asked.
>"SHUT UP!!!" the doctor screeched.
>"Shouldn't we start the experiment now, doctor?"

DAVID: (in a perfect Dr. F voice) Right.  Send them the experiment!
RICKY: (shuddering) Creepy.  You do that too well.

>"SHU--oh, wait, you're right."  The doctor turned off the TV and walked
>over to the lab table, idly cursing God and the universe and the idiotic
>Packers coach.
>Ms. Jugglesworth set down her letter and joined him.  "Not that I give
>a flying pig's ass, but who's the target this time?" she asked in
>irritation.

LOUIE: And to relieve that irritation, she should have used Preparation H.

>Dr. Lustidick carefully picked up the beaker with the Lust Virus.  "I
>think it'll be that Masaki kid...he looked quite sexually repressed."
>"Why the hell are we even doing this?" Ms. Jugglesworth asked.
>"NEVER QUESTION THE PURPOSE!!!" the doctor screamed.

DAMIAN: Yes, drink your Kool-Aid(tm), dumbass, and follow me.

>"What *is* the purpose?"
>"IT--"  The doctor paused.  "Uh...I forget."
>Ms. Jugglesworth did the facefault thing, then tried to compose herself.
>"Take over the world, make everyone your slaves?  Any of this ring a
>bell?"
>"No!" Dr. Lustidick exclaimed.  "That's the *plan*!"

RICKY: At least, that's what it says on page 214 of the Mad Scientist's Handbook.

>"Then what's the purpose?" Ms. Jugglesworth repeated.
>"I'm not sure...it might've been revenge against someone..."  The doctor
>went through his mental list of people who called him 'Lustiprick', then
>figured it wasn't that important.  "Whatever the purpose is, rest assured
>we will carry it out to the best of our ability!"

STEPHEN: Or, in other words, it's doomed to failure.

>"Uh, yeah," Ms. Jugglesworth said slowly, "about that...when do I get
>that raise you promised me?"

DAVID: (Dr. Lustidick) The moment we succeed.
RICKY: (Ms. Jugglesworth) Well, there goes my dream of a portable DVD player.

>"When we take over the world!" Lustidick shouted with glee.
>"So in other words, never," Ms. Jugglesworth muttered to herself.

DAVID: Maybe if I had just waited, we wouldn't have wasted that one...

>Meanwhile, the good doctor was cackling gleefully as his latest virus
>formed into being.  It was rather large, being three inches tall and
>four inches wide.  It was also pink, had tentacles, and strangely enough,
>wore orthopedic underwear.

LOUIE: (virus) Hey, you!  Yeah, you in the coat!  I've got a major rDNA wedgie!

>"This virus shall be our ultimate triumph!" Dr. Lustidick announced.
>"Right, like the other 809,623 viruses you made," Ms. Jugglesworth
>mumbled to herself.
>The doctor just ignored her.  "Go, my beautiful virus!  Wreak havoc,
>whet pussies, and break up marriages!"

DAMIAN: And if you can't do that, just kick a Canadian figure skater's ass.

>Ms. Jugglesworth sighed.  "We're not gonna get sued again, are we?"
>"Not if you stop sending those 'Sorry about the divorce' muffin baskets
>to the targets," the doctor replied irratibly.

RICKY: (stifling a laugh) Anyone notice the sick joke in there?

>"Well, excuse me for being polite!" Ms. Jugglesworth snapped.
>"You're not supposed to be polite, you're a villain!" the doctor snapped
>back.
>"If I'm a villain, then I want a raise, 'cause this job sucks!"

STEPHEN: Words of wisdom from the top-of-the-line human vacuum...

>Let's just leave these two to their negotiations and get on with the
>lemon, shall we?

DAVID: Why must he break our spirits like that every time?
DAMIAN: It's a pattern, like how we always seem to speak in an odd order.

>***

LOUIE: A worms-eye view of bombs dropping.

>The Lust Virus traveled near and far, here and there, to and fro, hill
>and dale, Penn and Teller, Simon and Garfunkle.

DAMIAN: Then it tried to infect Sigfried and Roy, but it didn't want to
get near no tiger!

>But mainly, it went looking for its target.  If it could talk right now, it
>would say,

RICKY: (virus) I wonder if I turned the oven off...

>"WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER FUCKING DO TO FUCKING DESERVE THIS?!?!?"
>As you can see, it has a slight one-track mind.

STEPHEN: Mind?

>Anyway, the virus eventually came to a house near a shrine, and decided
>this was as good a place as any.  But if it didn't have mints on the
>pillows, it would brutally rape everyone inside with a penguin dildo.

DAVID: Penguin dildos... ha, ha, ha, oh, those crazy lemon writers!

>It flew down into the house, just barely avoiding this weird-ass rabbit,
>and saw the inhabitants.  In the main room was this small girl, this
>blonde chick, and a weird-looking bitch with purple hair.  It tried the
>little girl, but found it too young.  It tried the blonde chick but
>found it too dimwitted.  Then it tried the purple-haired bitch, and...
>wait, where'd the purple-haired bitch go?

LOUIE: Boy, this virus is a nice guy.

>Do you get a sense I'm being slightly crude about this?  Oh well, keep
>reading.

DAMIAN: Let me think about that... no.

>Now the virus went off looking for the purple-haired bitch, while trying
>to avoid the weird rabbit thing that was trying to eat it.  It flew down
>the hall, catching sight of the purple-haired bitch going into a storage
>closet under the stairs.

RICKY: So she's going into the closet?
STEPHEN: Don't worry... if I know Shadow, she'll be coming out soon enough.

>True to its form, it followed, slightly hindered by the rabbit thing, which had
>jumped on it and started humping it.  After convincing the rabbit thing that
>the virus just wanted to be friends and saying it was him, not her, the virus
>managing to get inside just as the door closed.
>As any fan of the show would know, as soon as the virus was inside, it
>found itself in a big-ass multi-dimensional multi-spacial laboratory
>with lots of neat-o stuff!

STEPHEN: (Dee-Dee from "Dexter's Lab") Oooooooooo, what does this button do?

>Before it could ogle at all the cool things in the lab, the virus was back on
>the trail of the purple-haired bitch, who was going to this really big floating
>rock in the sky with water pouring out of it.  I don't think we need to dwell
>on the obvious stupidity of the virus, so let's get to our real story, shall
>we?

DAVID: It's not the virus' stupidity we're worried about...

>***
>(took me long enough to get to the actual lemon, huh?)

LOUIE: Not really.

>Somewhere in Japan, in the mountains or the plains or wherever the hell
>the Masaki shrine is, was...the Masaki shrine.  Boy, I just murdered
>that line, didn't I?

DAMIAN: (Eminem) I murder a rhyme one word at a time...

>Near the much-talked-about Masaki shrine was the Masaki home, and inside
>that home was...you guessed it, the Masaki family.  Technically, it was
>just Tenchi, his dad, and his grandfather, but any fan of any of the
>three series will tell you there are more people living there.

RICKY: Duh, there's more.
DAVID: Much of a fanboy?
RICKY: Hey, I wasn't the one who left the TV on Cartoon Network.

>So, assuming everyone here is caught up with the show, let's get this lemon
>going.

STEPHEN: Let's stop it before any more tragedies happen.

>We begin our story in the Masaki home, inside the gigantic floating bath
>in Washu's lab.  At the moment Ryoko was in there, naked as a jaybird
>without any clothes.

DAVID: And how, exactly, would one go about making a jaybird some clothes?
STEPHEN: Tiny knitting needles?

>She was just relaxing, completely unaware Tenchi was hiding behind a rock near
>her.  At the time, Tenchi had come in to relax, too, but then Ryoko came in,
>and Tenchi didn't want to get another nosebleed from looking at her naked, so
>right now he was trying to sneak out.

LOUIE: *cough*Queer!*cough*
RICKY: Now, that wasn't right.  If he gets nosebleeds from looking at her, then...
(notices all the looks he's getting) ...uh, the jury will disregard
that last statement... (muttering under his breath) I'm dead.

>Ignoring Tenchi for a moment, Ryoko was beginning to fall asleep when
>Washu walked into the bath.  Ryoko sat up for a moment to see who it was,
>then slumped back down and closed her eyes again.  Washu headed over and
>sat down near Ryoko, wearing only a towel, and only because she was in
>her child-like body.  "I was wondering where you went," Washu said as
>she sat down.  "You seemed a little upset at breakfast."

DAMIAN: (Ryoko) Hey, you were the one that gave me the dribble glass!

>Ryoko grunted and opened her eyes a little.  "I haven't been getting
>much sleep lately," she mumbled.
>Washu chuckled.  "Trying to keep Ayeka away from Tenchi?"
>"She knows she doesn't have a chance," Ryoko said smugly.  "I don't know
>why she doesn't just give up."

STEPHEN: Hey, Rick, explain why they're not the villains here.
RICKY: Very funny, you beanstalk.

>"Because her competition is in here becoming a prune?" Washu suggested,
>a slight grin on her face.  Ryoko just grumbled a bit.  "Hm, you *are*
>tired."
>Ryoko nodded her head slightly.  "I just need a couple minutes."
>Washu just lay back and let Ryoko have her peace.  A few minutes later,
>she noticed Ayeka walking in, and promptly prepared for a nuclear war.

DAVID: (50s teacher) Okay, kids, when you see the flash, under your desks!
(under his breath) Then all the teachers will run to the fallout shelter and
let those commie bastards turn you to dust.

>As she was walking in, Ayeka saw Ryoko and was about to leave, but
>decided she wanted the bath more than being away from Ryoko.  With that
>in mind, she sat down near the entrance, trying to keep her distance
>from the space pirate.
>As soon as Ayeka sat down, Ryoko opened her eyes, deciding that was
>enough rest, and noticed Ayeka relaxing.  This, of course, was too much
>to resist, and she decided to have some fun with the princess.

LOUIE: It's a little early for this, isn't it?

>She phased out and reappeared behind Ayeka, whispering in her ear, "Feeling
>lonely, princess?"  Before Ayeka could cry out, Ryoko grabbed her and
>phased out again, reappearing several feet above the bath, dropping her
>at the same time.  Ryoko was laughing right through the moment when
>Ayeka hit the water so hard, she lost her towel.

DAMIAN: Gee, Arthur from Ghosts 'n' Goblins only lost his armor when he
got hit.

>Obviously, Ayeka was pissed.  She managed to get her head above water
>and retrieve her towel in under two seconds.  A new record!  "Why must
>I continue to suffer these indignities from this foul creature?!"
>Oh yeah, she was screaming a lot, too.

RICKY: An unfortunate portent of things to come.

>Ryoko was, of course, ignoring her.  "Hah!  Have a sense of humor, will
>you?  It's not like Tenchi's here now."  As you can see, none of them
>knew Tenchi was still hiding behind a rock, trying to keep his eyes
>below the water and still breathe at the same time.

STEPHEN: Damn, boy, just get a snorkel!

>Ayeka just glared at Ryoko.  "Just because Lord Tenchi isn't here, it
>doesn't excuse this kind of behavior!" she exclaimed.
>"Yeah, whatever," Ryoko said casually.  "Keep it down, huh?  Some
>people here are trying to nap."  With that, she dropped back into the
>bath and leaned back against a smooth rock.
>Well, Ayeka was steamed, Ryoko was relaxing, and Washu was trying not
>to laugh.  It was getting kind of hard, since she could've sworn she
>saw steam come out of Ayeka's ears.

DAVID: Or maybe it was the water.  Or it could've been the fact that Washu
was definitely on something.

>It was right about this time that the Lust Virus was flying around the
>bath, looking for the entrance.  Suddenly it caught sight of Ryo-ohki
>flying toward it looking for a quick hump, then it found the entrance
>pretty damn fast.

LOUIE: Well, there's a bad place to start the lemon content.
RICKY: Eh?
LOUIE: We're gonna have to see that... that *thing* bumping uglies with someone?
RICKY: I... don't think it means that.

>As soon as it was inside it caught sight of two new girls, as well as a guy
>hiding from them, and it was suddenly confused as to who it was supposed to
>infect.  It kept looking back and forth between the girls and the guy, then
>trying to figure out if it was gay or straight, then the possibility of being
>bi entered its tiny mind, and its whole decision-making process was fucked.

DAMIAN: You say that...
STEPHEN: (interrupting) He knows.

>Ignoring that, down in the bath, Ayeka was attempting to lighten the
>mood with some small talk.  It wasn't the greatest idea, but it was
>the best she could do without Washu's molecular reconstructor.
>"I should try to rest as well," Ayeka said softly.  "I haven't had
>much sleep lately."
>"Been chasing Tenchi?" Washu teased.
>Ayeka *hmphed* at that.  "Not at all!" she said indignantly.  "It so
>happens Noboyuki has been practicing his 'peeping' late at night."
>"I knew I caught him sneaking around last night!" Washu exclaimed.  "It
>was a little hard to miss him with that neon bandanna."

RICKY: Boy, that sounds like one of our gags.

>"It's like he's in heat, or something," Ryoko muttered, eyes still
>closed.
>"It's a disgraceful activity for the head of a household," said Ayeka,
>self-righteous as always.
>"I wouldn't go that far," Washu responded.  "It's still just a hobby
>for him, though it's not exactly an honorable one."

STEPHEN: Not exactly honorable?  In America, you'd get your ass thrown
in jail for that!

>"Honorable, shmonorable," Ryoko spoke up, now fully awake.  "He hasn't
>hurt anybody yet except himself, so let him break a few bones and get
>it out of his system."

DAVID: They could speed that process up - break only one of his "bones"
and that'll be the end of that.

>"He's started leaving his dirty magazines in the living room," Ayeka
>said with obvious distaste.  "Twice I've had to take them out of
>there before Sasami saw them."

LOUIE: What'd be the harm in that?
DAMIAN: Whose side are you on, anyway?

>"And then what'd you do with them?" Ryoko inquired, grinning slightly.
>"W-what do you mean?" Ayeka asked, sounding confused.

DAMIAN: ...it's the water.  Something in it is making them stupid.

>"You didn't sneak a peek at the pictures?" said Ryoko in a hushed tone.
>"Certainly not!" Ayeka exclaimed in a huff.  "I am not a pervert like
>you!"
>Ryoko let out a little giggle.  "You don't have to be a pervert to
>look at a few pictures.  Don't so stuck up!"  She quickly phased out,
>reappearing behind Ayeka and pulling her into a standing position.
>"I'll bet you'd fit right in with those girls!"  Ryoko grabbed each
>of Ayeka's wrists and set her feet against the insoles of Ayeka's feet,
>pulling her legs apart.

RICKY: Yikes!  It's a wishbone crunch! *crrrrak* Ooooo... she's gonna feel
that one tomorrow.

>"Unhand me, you demon!" Ayeka screamed, trying to pull away from Ryoko.
>Ryoko just laughed and forced Ayeka's legs farther apart.  "Come on,
>princess, have a little fun!"

STEPHEN: No, Advance Wars is fun.  This is just disturbing.

>Ayeka kept on shouting as Ryoko pulled her into various poses, mimicking
>the girls in the magazines.  Washu was laughing her ass off at the
>little show, and certainly not making any moves to stop it.  Ryoko kept
>on moving Ayeka around, and Ayeka kept on shouting for her to stop it,
>and all the while, the Lust Virus watched from above, about to make a
>decision.  It chose.....to go to Hometown Buffet!

DAVID: He means "Old Country Buffet".
STEPHEN: It's the same company.  It's the same restaurant.  It's the same
food.  Just be glad it's deciding not to do anything we'll regret.

>Right after it infected one of the girls.

STEPHEN: ...sorta like that.

>Before it could change its mind, the virus dropped down behind Ryoko,
>out of sight of Washu and Tenchi, then made a U-turn as Ryoko was
>bending over slightly, and went straight up her ass.  As you can
>probably imagine, Ryoko was surprised as hell, and almost released her
>grip on Ayeka in the process.  Almost.

STEPHEN: No, wait, she did.  Ayeka tumbled down to the surface, her head
striking a rock.  The water turned from its normal clear hue to a deep red
as her blood seeped out, leaving its one-time master dying in the pool.
LOUIE: We're putting you on a diet to cure you of that.
STEPHEN: Like bugger you are.  I like doing this.

>"For the last time, let go of me, you monster!" Ayeka screamed.
>Ryoko didn't say anything to taunt Ayeka yet, since she just had
>something rather large work its way up her asshole without her okaying
>it.

DAVID: But the wrong one's acting like there's something up her ass.

>She didn't lose her grip on Ayeka, though, and continued pulling
>her along into some rather ridiculous poses, including one that involved
>pulling both their legs over their heads, but I won't get into that.

LOUIE: But you just did... wait, if he not going to get into it, then...
RICKY: Don't go Servo on us, now.

>As Ryoko moved, she felt her body slowly heating up.  At first she
>thought it was the bath water, but moments later her nipples began to
>harden.

DAMIAN: Here's a preemptive "you've done that riff before" for you, Stephen.
STEPHEN: What for?
DAMIAN: You're going to say that they fell off.  So I'm stopping you
before you do.
STEPHEN: Do you really think I'm that simple, that I would use the same
riff that many times?
DAMIAN: Well, yes.
STEPHEN: And you'd be right, too.  I was going to say it.

>She reasoned it was the friction from Ayeka, and thought
>nothing of it.  Then a warm, pleasant feeling washed over her, which
>she attributed to the five cups of sake she'd had earlier, except it
>wasn't the same kind of feeling.  She didn't feel woozy or sleepy or
>puke-y (it's a word!)

RICKY: I'll look it up later.  If you're wrong, ohhh, I'll rip this one
up good...
DAVID: What good will that do?  We'll be out of here, remember?
RICKY: Oh, right.  Scratch that.

>like she usually did after having a few drinks.
>All she felt was this warm, tingly feeling...the same feeling she felt
>when she saw Tenchi.

STEPHEN: Uh-oh... he's been spotted!  Run, Tenchi, run!

>Then she realized she was feeling for Ayeka the same feelings as she was
>for Tenchi, and then

DAVID: (VH1's "Behind the Music" announcer) It all fell apart.

>the puke-y feeling finally arrived.  It had a little party, and
>photocopied its ass for its friends and coworkers, then it

LOUIE: Stapled the picture to its boss' head and was promptly fired.

>went home drunk and spent the night throwing up into its toilet, leaving
>Ryoko alone once again.

DAMIAN: So she's alone again naturally?

>I think I'm getting a little off-track...
>Anyway, Ryoko was still tormenting Ayeka, and trying to figure out what
>this pleasant sensation that she was feeling, when she had the most
>deranged desire.

RICKY: She wanted to bathe in butterscotch pudding that looks like chocolate?

>She wanted to...lick Ayeka in some very odd places, including, but not
>limited to, her breasts, face, and legs.  This, of course, disturbed her
>very much, and she decided to seek psychiatric
>counseling when this was all over.

STEPHEN: A good recommendation to everyone what reads this.

>About that time, the virus inside her finally got off its ass and
>started increasing the hormonal production and whatnot.  Ryoko felt her
>body heat up exponentially, and then all of a sudden,

STEPHEN: She burst into flame and was reduced to a pile of ash.

>she wasn't in control of herself anymore.
>Moving right along, Washu was still enjoying the show, and Ayeka was
>still trying to get the hell away from Ryoko, when she suddenly felt a
>nuzzling on her neck. Her first thought was that somehow Ryoko had been
>replaced by a sex-crazed tentacle monster, because her second thought
>was just plain fucking impossible.

DAVID: And did Impossible consent to this or what?

>Her second thought (like you care) was that Ryoko had lost her mind and
>was kissing her neck.  As you can probably guess, this freaked her out to
>no end.  And if you think it confused her, just think what it did to Washu!

LOUIE: It caused her to back out slowly, muttering something about "I'm going
to go bash my head into a wall now..."

>Well, I won't leave you in suspense.  Washu had seen all kinds of
>phenomena from every corner of the universe, from astological to
>biological, but when she saw Ryoko dip her head down and kiss Ayeka's
>neck, she almost plotzed!  I have no idea what 'plotzed' means, so
>let's get on with it already.

DAMIAN: It means she took a schvitz right there.

>As we've already established, Ryoko was kissing Ayeka's neck, and during
>this, Ayeka was frozen in surprise.  She blushed a bit, being a proper
>lady, then she finally came to her senses and tried to get away.  As
>soon as Ayeka started to pull away, Ryoko wrapped her arms around Ayeka's
>abdomen and held on tight.  Well, tight enough so that Ayeka didn't get
>away, but not so tight that she cracked a rib.

RICKY: *crack!* Well, scratch that.

>During all this, Tenchi was still hiding somewhere in the bath.  He
>heard the screams and assumed the natural chaos of his life was once
>again in full-swing.  Then he looked up from his hiding place and saw
>Ryoko hugging Ayeka.  Long story short, he turned around, clicked his
>heels together and muttered, "There's no place like home, there's no
>place like home..."

STEPHEN: If he's wearing ruby slippers, I'm gonna panic.

>Taking a break from this, I think I know what to do for the strange and
>unusual promo for this lemon!  Let's take a look, shall we?

DAVID: (covers his eyes, then quickly uncovers them and recovers them
almost instantly) There, I looked.  Can we get on with this?

>***
>Back at the big pink warehouse with the nude Britney Spears poster,
>Dr. Lustidick and Ms. Jugglesworth were trying to determine the source
>of a strange sound coming from the back of the warehouse.  It sounded
>like grunting, moaning, and there was a wet, squishy sound neither of
>them could readily identify.

LOUIE: It's someone trying to stuff a sponge into a glass.  That answer
your question?

>As they got closer, the sounds got louder, and more strange.  Then
>they turned the corner, and saw...
>*pause for dramatic tension*
>...Noboyuki with his pants around his ankles, thrusting his cock in and
>out of a small hole in the crotch of the Britney Spears poster.

DAMIAN: Bad image!  Bad image!  I'm gonna... (ralphs on the floor) ... damn it.

>He was also shouting random obscenities, like:  "Yeah, yeah, take it, you
>belly-dancing slut, take it bitch, you know you like it, whore!"

RICKY: And to think, people criticize US for being vulgar.

>Then Dr. Lustidick cleared his throat with an *ahem*, and Noboyuki turned
>in mid-thrust, and...

STEPHEN: (Noboyuki) Eh, hello.  You're probably wondering what I'm doing here.
RICKY: (Doc L) I think it explains itself.

>*tense silence*
>That pretty much says it all, huh?
>Finally, Noboyuki spoke up.  "Uh...this isn't what it looks like."

DAVID: (Doc L) Oh, okay, becuase it looks like you're screwing the wall of
my warehouse because of this poster.
RICKY: (Noboyuki) Okay, so maybe it is what it looks like.

>"You have no idea what this looks like!" said Ms. Jugglesworth
>disgustedly.
>"You took me away from the game for this?" the doctor asked his
>assistant.

LOUIE: (Ms. J) Actually, I took you away from it because I wanted to change the channel.

>Both the doctor and the assistant went back inside, and it was right
>then that Noboyuki discovered his dick was stuck.  "Uh, a little help?"
>he called.  "Help?  Please?  I'll clean your poster.  HELP!!!"
>And now, back to our regularly scheduled insanity.

DAMIAN: Same Bat time, same Bat channel?

>***
>Just as a quick reminder, Ryoko was nuzzling Ayeka's neck, Ayeka was
>trying like hell to get away, and Washu was scanning Hell to determine
>if Satan had indeed been replaced by a penguin.  Okay!  Let's get this
>show on the road!

RICKY: Actually, let's let it take Dead Man's Curve too quickly.

>As Ryoko started to lick Ayeka's neck, she moved her right hand from the
>Juraian's midsection to her breast.  As soon as it came into contact,
>Ayeka blushed even more, then started screaming.  "Let me go, you
>perverted monster!"  Stuff along those lines and such.

STEPHEN: And some of it was stuff our boss won't let us air.
DAMIAN: ...You mean there are things he won't let us air?
STEPHEN: Hard to believe, isn't it?

>Anyway, Ryoko either didn't hear her, or just ignored her.  Either way,
>Ryoko caressed her breast, stroking it softly.  She rubbed along the
>aerole and pinched the nipple lightly between her thump and forefinger,

DAVID: (makes thumping noises) What was that?

>making Ayeka moan briefly.  Then the princess went right back to
>shouting, and Ryoko went back to fondling her tits.  As Ryoko continued,
>Ayeka felt her body heat up, and she started struggling even more. "It is
>undignified for a princess of Jurai to participate in this debauchury!"
>Yeah, like that's gonna work...

LOUIE: You could put a bullet in her head, it wouldn't stop her.
RICKY: (puts his gun back under his seat) Damn.

>As you can guess, Ryoko didn't listen.  She just kept on massaging
>Ayeka's tits.  At about this point, Washu was starting to get a little
>hot under the proverbial collar and began unconsciously fondling herself.

DAMIAN: But wait, it wasn't her doing it... it was...

>A few seconds later, she realized what she was doing and quickly stopped.
>Then she became aroused again and started pinching her nipples.  Then
>she forced herself to stop, then she began to move her hands down her
>stomach and lightly rubbed her clit.  Then she stopped, looked down at
>what she was doing, looked up at Ryoko and Ayeka, and screamed,
>"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?!"

RICKY: It's like she says what we think....

>I suppose if you find yourself masturbating while watching your
>daughter and another girl engage in sexual intercourse, it's a valid
>question.

STEPHEN: It's valid in lots of situations.  Here it's just natural.

>Anywho, that translucent computer terminal she uses appeared in front of
>her, and she started some new scans.  "Hm, interesting," she muttered.  "I'll
>have to check this out..."

DAVID: (terminal, ala HAL) I'm sorry, Washu, but I can't let you do that.

>At the sound of Washu's voice, Ayeka redoubled her struggles. "Ms. Washu,
>help me!" she screamed.

LOUIE: (Washu) Y'know, I think I'll just sit here and watch you squirm.
RICKY: (Ayeka) Okay.  Is this sufficient? (squirms)

>"Just a sec," Washu said, "I'm gonna go figure out what's wrong with
>Ryoko."
>"I know what's wrong with Ryoko," Ayeka cried, "she's insane!"

DAMIAN: Let's give her a big hand for solving the puzzle, folks!
RICKY: How's this? (He holds up a huge foam hand.  Damian takes it and whacks
him with it.) What?  Too big?

>"No, besides that.  I'll be back soon."  With that, Washu stood up and
>walked out of the bath, leaving Ayeka alone with the now touchy-feely
>Ryoko.

RICKY: They're women - they're supposed to like that.
DAVID: One, that's a stereotype, and two, not from one another!

>"MS. WASHU!!!"  Obviously, Washu didn't hear her, and/or didn't care.
>Time for lesbian fun!  Let's see if I can stay focused on the sex this
>time, shall we?

STEPHEN: Don't do anything on our account.

>Okay...Ryoko fondling breast, Ayeka trying to get away, Washu gone...

DAVID: All set.  Lick on.
RICKY: Why did you just say that?
DAVID: Sorry, I thought I was directing this.

>Ryoko began licking and biting Ayeka's earlobes, pinching her nipples
>at the same time.  Ayeka froze up, now very afraid that Ryoko would bite
>off her ear (no Tyson jokes, that's too easy).

LOUIE: So what does frying chicken have to do with this?

>Ryoko slowly moved her hand down Ayeka's body, letting her hand slip toward
>Ayeka's...I'm gonna say quim, 'cause Dop likes it.

DAMIAN: He can like what he wants, but why put us through it?
DAVID: He could've done something worse.

>As Ryoko's hand moved downward, Ayeka blushed harder, hoping and praying Ryoko
>wouldn't do what she thought she'd do.  Naturally, Ryoko did exactly that,

RICKY: Naturally.

>and began rubbing Ayeka's vaginal lips.  Ayeka blushed harder,

STEPHEN: If she blushes much harder, they'll be able to strap her to a pole and
use her as a beacon.

>feeling a tingling coming from between her legs.  Ryoko rubbed her slow
>and sure, being extremely uncharacteristically gentle with the princess.

DAVID: It's X-treme Gentleness!  It's slow and caring, dude!

>Ayeka wanted to shout out, to refuse this pleasure, but Ryoko was being so
>careful, so soothing, she couldn't find the strength to raise her voice.

LOUIE: Do what the Egyptians did.
STEPHEN: Fine, get her 20,000 Hebrews and we'll get back to you.

>A warm feeling spread throughout her body, originating from her quim.
>"Ryoko..." Ayeka murmured.  "Please...stop..."
>"I can't stop," Ryoko whispered into Ayeka's ear, lightly kissing it.
>"I love you."

DAMIAN: (bows his head) Hearing that in a lemon is like a death sentence...

>With that, she silently slipped a finger into Ayeka's slit.
>Ayeka gasped aloud upon hearing those words, and upon feeling the finger
>in her pussy.  Believe it or not, that finger was the first thing that
>had gone inside of Ayeka, so it was a damn tight fit.

RICKY: It's a law of lemons: anyone even slightly prudish will be a virgin.
DAMIAN: And how, pray ye tell, do you know this?

>Ryoko still retained her odd gentleness, stroking Ayeka's vulva slowly
>and surely, eliciting tiny moans from the princess.  Ryoko feathered
>Ayeka's neck

STEPHEN: With condor feathers.  Just then, the Fish and Wildlife Service
kicked in the door and took the two away for harming an endangered species.

>with kisses, slowly making her way up to Ayeka's cheek.  Ayeka drew
>away, but Ryoko just pulled her closer (as close as someone could be
>when they're right next to them).  Ayeka's breath came

DAVID: Don't say it, Damian.
DAMIAN: (innocent as a puppy) What?
DAVID: You know what.
DAMIAN: Oh, you mean about her breath coming?  Well, I still don't understand
how -
DAVID: See?

>in short gasps as she felt a fluttering in her stomach and a tingling
>between her legs.  Ryoko's fingers kept stroking her, and the gentle
>touches soon brought Ayeka to a climax.

LOUIE: Hm, I think that's a new record.
STEPHEN: What've you been doing, keeping time?
LOUIE: Down to the millisecond.  See? (pulls out a stopwatch)

>The virgin princess suddenly clamped her legs
>together and cried out as her very first orgasm overtook her.

DAMIAN: And the clichés just keep on coming.
DAVID: (grumbling) So do the bad puns.
DAMIAN: Wha?
DAVID: (normal) Nothing.

>Ayeka shook in Ryoko's arms, letting out a half-moan, half-wail as she gave
>herself to the demon.

RICKY: You can have the princess, or you can take what's in the box.
STEPHEN and DAVID: The box!  The box!
DAMIAN and LOUIE: Take the girl! The girl!

>Several moments passed, and Ayeka lay in Ryoko's arms, sobbing
>quietly.  Ryoko continued between Ayeka's legs, then heard her sobs
>and stopped.  "What's wrong, Ayeka?" she asked.  "Did I hurt you?"

STEPHEN: (Ayeka) Take a good look at the claw marks in my back and ask again.

>"I don't believe this..." Ayeka whispered, the pain evident in her voice.
>"You took what only lord Tenchi has a right to take..."

DAVID: Swimming classes at the Y?

>Ryoko slid her fingers back up Ayeka's quim and pushed them inside till
>they hit her hymen.  She tapped it gently, just hard enough to let
>Ayeka know it was there.  "I left it intact for Tenchi...I know you'd
>want him to have it."

LOUIE: And he can have it.

>Ayeka sniffed, glad for that at least.  "Just tell me...why did you do
>this?"

DAMIAN: (Ryoko) It's in the script.  See?

>Ryoko turned Ayeka's head so she could look into her eyes.  "Because I
>love you, Ayeka.  But if you want to be with Tenchi, I'll accept that...
>I just want you to be happy."

RICKY: No, she'd be happy if you just put her down.  See?  Happy, happy,
happy.  Joy, joy, joy.

>"Well...if...you really mean it..."

STEPHEN: (Ryoko) No... can't say I can back that statement up.

>"I do.  Kiss me, please..."
>Ayeka flipped over, now front to front with Ryoko.  She tentatively
>leaned in closer, seeing none of the usual violence and hatred in
>Ryoko's eyes.  Ryoko wrapped her arms around Ayeka and pulled her
>close, kissing her deeply.

DAVID: This would probably be a bad time for all that anger to return...

>(Has anyone else noticed this scene has gone from bad lesbianism to
>just plain mushy?  Well, I'll not have it!)

LOUIE: That makes... seven of us.
DAMIAN: Seven?
LOUIE: The five of us, him, and the virus.
RICKY: What, you count that thing?
LOUIE: We've dealt with four so far.  I think it's time we recognize their
right to exist.

>All of a sudden, the Lust Virus that was busily slacking off inside of
>Ryoko shot up through her throat and into her mouth.  It then rudely
>interrupted the kiss by dancing on her tongue and singing "I'm an Oscar
>Meyer Weiner".

DAMIAN: (Ryoko) Really? *chomp!* (Ryoko, muffled) Ow, I bit my tongue!

>Naturally Ayeka pulled away and looked around for a
>hot dog stand, then saw the virus burst out of Ryoko's mouth and float
>up to a spot a few feet above the bath.  Then...it spoke.  Who woulda
>thunk it?

RICKY: If it can sing, it can talk, right?

>"WHAT THE FUCKIN' HELL IS THIS TOUCHY-FEELY
>CRAP?!?! I CAN'T FUCKIN' TAKE IT NO MORE!!!
>I'M OUTTA HERE!!!"

DAVID: Whoo-hoo!  Quick ending!

>Naturally, being about two inches long, it sounded like a chipmunk
>on helium after being kicked in the balls.  So of course to Ryoko
>and Ayeka, it sounded like a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.

LOUIE: This is a test of the Idiot Alert System.  This is only a test.
DAMIAN: Duuuuuuuuuh.  Duuuuuuuuuh.  Duuuhhh.  Duuuhhh.  Duuuhhh.
LOUIE: This has been a test of the Idiot Alert System.

>Then it put a couple of its arms into its body and pulled out two
>smaller viruses and threw them down into Ryoko and Ayeka's gaping
>mouthes, who naturally swallowed the viruses.

DAMIAN: Ah, so they swallow.  Tenchi must be happy.
DAVID: Never say that again.
DAMIAN: Never say never again.

>Then the damn Lust Virus pulled out a gun from wherever the hell it was
>keeping it and blew its fucking brains out.  Now back to the shitty
>lesbian sex!

RICKY: *waves a tiny pennant* Yay.

>Ryoko and Ayeka looked into each other's eyes, seeing each other for
>the first time with only love.  That rosy background and sappy music
>played as they kissed again, feeling no more damn inhibitions.

STEPHEN: Gee, he's just full of oxymoronic images, isn't he?
LOUIE: (looking over in disbelief) "Oxymoronic"?
STEPHEN: It's a word.  Look it up.

>This means strap-on time, folks!  Now Ayeka took the initiative, rubbing
>Ryoko's breasts as Ryoko massaged her ass and lower back.  Ayeka
>moved her mouth down to Ryoko's chest and began licking her tits,
>then slowly slid down Ryoko's body.

DAVID: I've seen playgrounds with less sliding.

>She made tiny licks all down

LOUIE: How many licks does it take... no, I won't finish that.

>Ryoko's front, slowly making her way to her lover's pussy.  As soon
>as Ayeka's tongue hit Ryoko's clit, Ryoko started spasming, then
>all of a sudden, fell asleep!  And you thought only men prematurely
>orgasmed!

DAMIAN: (as Shao Kahn) Shadow shows mercy.

>Actually, it was all due to the rookie virus in Ryoko who mistakenly
>flooded her with hormones that caused an overload in the pleasure
>center of her brain, or some such scientific shit.  I don't care, I
>just wanna get to something new.

RICKY: Got sumpin' brand new for 'dat ass!

>With Ryoko unconscious, the Lust Virus inside Ayeka was driving her
>to seek out other partners, raunchier sex, and somebody who isn't
>such an easy fuck!  She dashed out of the bath, looking to find
>anyone with a penis...or a pussy, whichever happened to appear first.

STEPHEN: I don't think they have any hermaphrodites there.

>***
>Well, now that that's over with, let's check out the rest of the Masaki
>household.  Sasami's still making dinner, Mihoshi's still reading a
>comic book, Washu's still in her lab, Ayeka's walking around naked.
>Just a normal day in the Masaki house...wait a damn minute here...

DAVID: *traces along the words with a finger for a few seconds* No, seems
pretty normal.

>Anyway, Ayeka walked out of the dimensional tunnel from the bath to the
>hall closet, then stepped out into the main area of the Masaki house.
>Not everyone noticed her at first, since they were busy with their own
>activities.  Then Sasami came out of the kitchen, bumped into the naked
>Ayeka, dropped a plate of rice buns, looked up, and found herself staring
>right into Ayeka's asscheeks.

LOUIE: (Sasami) Why're you bent down here, Ayeka?

>Hell of a way to start an afternoon, huh?
>"Um, Ayeka..." Sasami said, "...do you know you're naked?"

DAMIAN: (Ayeka) No, but if you hum a couple bars, I'll fake it.

>Mihoshi realized what was going on just then.  "Oh my, Ayeka's in the
>nude!  Why, this is just disgraceful!  I hope the people on Jerai don't
>hear about this, or there could be a scandal or something!"  Well,
>Mihoshi's delightfully dense as usual, so let's go back to Sasami.

RICKY: Gee, can't tell what characters he prefers.

>Sasami just stood there, since she didn't really know what to do
>about her sister being naked (besides offering her a towel).  So now
>it was up to Ayeka to make the first move.  So, what do you think that
>first move was, huh?

STEPHEN: King's pawn to d4.

>...
>...
>...

DAVID: It's the Microscopic Squares!

>Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!  Hmph!
>...

LOUIE: Not again...

>Just kidding!  Ayeka first looked down at Sasami, then bent down, looked
>her straight in the eye, then kissed her full on the lips!  Ironically, a
>"No Smint, No Kiss" commercial popped up on the TV right as Ayeka started
>to give Sasami tongue.

DAMIAN: (Sasami) This cow's tongue looks gross!

>After a few seconds, Ayeka stood up, jumped in
>the air, laughed like Woody the Woodpecker, and ran off!  This, of
>course, freaked out Sasami and Mihoshi very much.

RICKY: Damn hippie freakouts, always interrupting my day...

>It took a few minutes
>for either one of them to say something, and even then, it was just
>Mihoshi going "Ummm..."
>Finally Sasami picked up her dropped rice buns, took a few steps, then
>felt an itching in her crotch.  Anyone with weak stomachs or an objection
>to loli porn, you can't escape, so don't even try.

STEPHEN: Whaddya know, he does write these just for us!

>Anyway, Sasami was
>feeling a new feeling that felt like no other feeling she had ever felt,
>and then I was smacked for word repitition.  Continuing with Sasami.

DAVID: Continue?  But I don't have any more quarters!

>Sasami was feeling a new feeling...we already did this.  She rubbed her
>crotch, trying to scratch this very strange itch, but her scratching only
>made it stronger (who woulda thunk it, huh?)  She scratched and scratched
>and scratched, like it was a monster rash from outer space!!!  Well...no,
>I just don't have any other good adjectives.

LOUIE: And a box full of laxatives?

>But regardless, she was
>rubbing her little preteen pussy, still trying to make the feeling go
>away, and completely unaware that what she was doing was the cause of that
>strange feeling.  Ain't that just the way with kids?  Tell 'em the stove's
>hot and they shove their hand up their cunt.  Or something like that...

DAMIAN: Or they push their ear onto a stove and tell everyone you did it.

>Now, back to Mihoshi!  Imagine her surprise when she saw Sasami rubbing
>her little quim.  Actually, she was just that surprised!  You get a cookie!

RICKY: But I didn't hit the buzzer yet.

>But anyway...  "Sasami, just what are you doing?!" Mihoshi shouted in
>surprise, shock, or whatever word you wanna use.
>"Mihoshi..." Sasami said in a husky voice, "...can you help me?"
>"Well, sure," Mihoshi said, "but what can I help you with?"  Um...no.  I
>really can't be writing her that dense...fuck it, let's keep this thing
>going.
>Moving along, Sasami motioned Mihoshi with her finger to come
>closer.  Mihoshi walked over to Sasami to see how she could help, and you
>know what happened next?

STEPHEN: Sasami punched her right in the gut and ran off laughing?

>That horny kid grabbed Mihoshi and kissed her full on the lips!  (quick
>note: if you couldn't see that coming, I'll have to ask you to leave.)

DAVID: Okay!
DAMIAN: Don't even try, or what I did in our BFD game will seem like a pat on the back.

>Now, as you can imagine, Mihoshi was quite surprised to have Sasami kiss her.  How
>surprised, you ask?  Well, I'm not saying.

LOUIE: Thanks for that.

>I will say, however, that Mihoshi pulled away rather quickly,
>and she was about to scold Sasami when the Lust Virus found her hormonal
>center and put the place to work!  Unfortunately it was unionized, so the
>virus had to give up the dental plan to get them moving.

DAMIAN: But does it get a keg at every meeting in exchange?

>Mihoshi was about to shove a finger or four in Sasami's tight hole, but
>the darn kid ran off to look for Ayeka.  Mihoshi was very put out, or
>at least until Kiyone appeared.  Wait a minute...which series was I
>doing this in?  Hmm...oh well, let's just say Kiyone got there through
>some weird experiment of Washu's.  Anyway, Mihoshi saw Kiyone, Kiyone
>saw Mihoshi, and as you might've expected, there was trouble.

RICKY: They settled their differences with a game of Bloody Knuckles.

>Trouble, of course, meant Mihoshi running up to Kiyone and giving her a great big
>hug!  Kiyone didn't think that was anything strange, until Mihoshi
>started to grab her ass.  Now THAT was strange!

STEPHEN: But if it had seemed normal, would there have been any point to this?
LOUIE: Well, no.
STEPHEN: Great.  I'll be going now.
DAMIAN: No way, you little weasel.

>"Uh, Mihoshi," Kiyone said slowly, "are you feeling alright?"
>"Oh, absolutely!" Mihoshi replied enthusiastically.  "Why, I'm just
>feeling wonderful now that you're here, and my, your bottom is firm!
>I bet you exercise all the time, don't you?  Well, you'd have to if you
>want to be the number one detective in the Galaxy Police!"

DAVID: Or if you want to be some lemon writer's hapless target.

>Now Kiyone didn't think anything was wrong.  This was normal.  Then
>Mihoshi started to gyrate her hips.  That was wrong, oh so wrong...
>"Mihoshi, get off me!" Kiyone shouted.  She bucked her hips, but that
>just encouraged Mihoshi to try harder.  Kiyone used some kung-fu move
>that flipped Mihoshi onto the floor and tried to run away, but Mihoshi
>grabbed Kiyone's leg and dragged her down!  This is like Wild Kingdom,
>isn't it?

LOUIE: Yeah, except no lions tearing the heads off of antelope.

>Now Kiyone was on the floor and Mihoshi was pulling her way up Kiyone's
>leg, which was subsequently pulling down her pants.  Mihoshi kept on
>pulling, which ended up with Kiyone's panties coming down.  Boy, this
>is just too convenient, isn't it?

DAMIAN: I've seen Kwik-E-Marts that were less convenient.

>Not to mention the fact that Mihoshi was already licking Kiyone's exposed
>twat!  Damn, could I get any more predictable?

RICKY: Yeah.  But I'm not quite sure how.

>Maybe later, but right now it's time for a scene change!
>***
>Back at Lustidick's evil Spears headquarters, the doctor was studying
>the latest Virus readout, while Ms. Jugglesworth was walking around
>topless and talking on the phone.

STEPHEN: Oh, please, no... please, no...

>"No Fabio, I am not going to tell you what I'm wearing.  The doctor's
>right here!"

STEPHEN: *jumps from his seat and falls to his knees* Noooooooooooooooooo!
DAVID: Accept the facts.  You gave him an idea.

>Pause. "No, I am not going to 'fondle' him, you sick
>bastard!"  Pause.  "I don't care if that kind of talk turns you on.
>Look, I can't come see you till the doctor lets me go, and that probably
>won't be today.  Well, go fuck your wife, then!" Pause, lots of cursing.
>"Okay, okay, I'm sorry!"

DAVID: You don't have to apologize to anyone - you're just the assistant.

>"Ms. Jugglesworth!" Dr. Lustidick exclaimed.
>"I gotta go," Ms. Jugglesworth quickly said, then turned her phone off.
>"Ms. Jugglesworth, I've made a startling discovery!"

LOUIE: Is it the fact that this whole idea hasn't worked yet?
RICKY: Please, he's a typical villain.  That won't set in until the very
end of the whole series.

>"Did you drop your sandwich in your pants again?"
>The doctor looked at her strangely, then motioned toward the beaker on
>the table.  "No, it seems I've inadvertantly created a Foreplay Virus!"
>Then SUDDENLY there was a crash at the door, and a rumbling of feet!
>In a few moments it stopped, and the doctor slowly turned around...
>"Ms. Juggles--DAH!!!"  ...and saw every married woman within 1000 miles!
>(they're crowded in the warehouse, he didn't develop supervision or
>something)

DAMIAN: He needs to be supervised - he can't do anything right.  Kinda like me.
STEPHEN: A stereotype rears its ugly head.

>"We want that virus, Lustidick!" one of the women said.
>"Our sex lives are going down the shitter!" another shouted.  "In some
>cases, literally!"

RICKY: Bad mental image.
DAVID: If that's what he means, we're all in deep shit.

>"I really don't want to know what that means," Ms. Jugglesworth muttered.
>"Come on, Lustidick, give up the virus!" another married one said.
>"I can't just *give* you the virus!" Lustidick said, exasperated.  "I've
>got expenses, you know!  Beakers, chemicals, TVs, doors, warehouses..."

STEPHEN: Legal bills, hospital bills...

>The women quickly made a collection, then handed Lustidick a gigantic
>stack of bills.  "There, a billion yen!  Now give us the formula for
>the virus!"
>Lustidick quickly handed the lead woman a sheet of paper, and just as
>suddenly as they appeared, they vanished.
>The doctor quickly grabbed his stuff and threw it all in a box.
>"Quickly, Ms. Jugglesworth, we must escape, to another anime series!"

DAVID: Whoa... sobering thought.  What if their teleporter screwed up and
dumped them here?
RICKY: We'd kick his ass.
DAVID: Oh.  Cool.

>"What for?" she asked.  "Those weird IBI agents haven't shown up yet."
>Then a lightbulb turned on over Ms. Jugglesworth's head.  "You didn't
>give them the real formula, did you?"
>"It was either my grocery list or my mother's recipe for brownies!

LOUIE: The regular brownies, or the ones that need that weird green
plant in them?

>Either way, do you want to be here when those women get back?!"
>And then, as if on cue, a woman and a man in a chicken suit burst
>through the front door!
>"Freeze, Lustidick!" Skully shouted.
>"You said that last time," Dr. Lustidick pointed out.
>"Um...freeze anyway!"
>"Why are you wearing a chicken suit?" Ms. Jugglesworth asked Molder.

DAMIAN: Because chicken suits are funny.  Hell, they're funnier than fursuits!

>Molder turned to Skully, fuming.  "Dammit, Skully!  You told me this was
>a military uniform!"
>"Yeah!  Colonel Sanders!  KFC, chicken suit?  Get it?"

RICKY: *makes sounds of crickets chirping*

>Molder just glared at her.  "Obviously not..."
>The doctor took this opportunity to hit that remote thingy and open up
>a portal, then dragged Ms. Jugglesworth through it, leaving Molder
>to throw a temper tantrum in a chicken suit.
>***
>Back in her lab, Washu (remember her?) was busily working away studying
>the scans of Ryoko's biological status.  She was also busily recording
>the events in the bath house for future blackmailing purposes, but that's
>another story.

STEPHEN: I hope not.

>As Washu dutifully worked away, she was unaware of the intruder in her
>lab.  Ordinarily the biological detection system would've alerted her to
>someone's presence, but she was focused on figuring out what was wrong
>with Ryoko at the moment (it's thin, I know, but anything to keep the
>story going).

DAVID: Thin?  Calista Flockhart isn't that thin.

>The intruder crept closer to Washu, quietly as a cat,
>sneakily as a burglar, horny as a toad, naked as a person without any
>clothes on!  Just to speed things up,

LOUIE: Oh, come on, just one more simile?

>the intruder jumped Washu and pinned her to the ground!

DAMIAN: *jumps to the ground and slaps it while counting* One, two, three!
DAVID: *makes bell sound*
RICKY: And the match is over!

>"What the hell?!" Washu shouted.  She quickly flipped over and saw...!

RICKY: An upside-down Coke bottle?

>"Mihoshi?!  What's going on here?"
>"Weeeelll," Mihoshi started, "Kiyone said she wanted a threesome, and
>we couldn't find anyone else around, so we figured you'd be here, so
>here you are!"

STEPHEN: Proof positive that honesty just might not be the best policy.
DAMIAN: Rats.

>Washu just stared at her.  "What?"

DAVID: She said, they wanted a threesome, so they looked for you!

>Suddenly, Kiyone's face popped into Washu's field of view.  "We're going
>to fuck you good, Washu!" Kiyone said.
>"Wonderful," Washu muttered, rolling her eyes.  "I suppose you're going
>to use a strap-on too?"  And right on cue, a giant phallic object
>portruding from Kiyone's pelvis swung into view.  "I had to ask..."

LOUIE: I'm not gonna ask about that word.
RICKY: This virus wasn't created, it was found in a book of clichés.

>"Strip her, Mihoshi!" Kiyone ordered.
>Mihoshi quickly tore off Washu's clothes like the eager beaver she is.

DAMIAN: Hey, Stephen, what was the dirtiest thing ever said on television?
STEPHEN: Too obvious.
DAMIAN: Okay, then, how about noting that at least it's not an Angry Beaver?
STEPHEN: ...a little better.

>Washu of course resisted, but Kiyone pulled a gun on her and got her
>to hold still (by the way, in case anyone's wondering why Kiyone and
>Mihoshi aren't being all nice to Washu, remember that the Foreplay Virus
>split itself in two, so because it *almost* makes sense, the two littler
>viruses became the normal Lust Virus.  So there!)

RICKY: If I were Tom Servo, my head would be exploding.  So there.

>So!  Mihoshi turned Washu around so her crotch was to Kiyone so she'd
>have a good angle for fucking.  "Wait!" Washu shouted, "I'm too cute
>to fuck!"

STEPHEN: Tell that to all those bastards that get off on Sasami.

>Naturally Kiyone ignored her and stuck the strap-on's plastic dick into
>Washu's cunt.  Well, she tried, anyway.  It was a bit large, you see,
>and Washu was squirming a lot, and to make a long story short, it wasn't
>going in.

DAVID: (excited preacher voice) Can I get a "Hallelujah!"?
OTHERS: Hallelujah!

>Not without lubricant, anyway.  Which was just what Mihoshi
>pulled out of her...wait, she's naked, she doesn't have any pockets...

LOUIE: Yes, she does.  One.  And you don't want us talking about it if we
don't want you to.
RICKY: Huh?
LOUIE: Give it some thought.

>Anyway, she pulled a bottle of lube out of...somewhere, and spread some
>on Washu's crotch.  Immediately Kiyone thrust into the scientist, pumping
>in and out of the tiny pussy.  Washu cried out, screaming "OW, OW, OW,
>OW, OW, OW!!!  THIS IS NOT RIGHT!!!"

DAMIAN: You're right, the right wing would have a fit-coniption if they
saw this.

>"Yeah, it isn't right," Kiyone said.  "Mihoshi, you need a cunt-licking."
>"NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!" Washu yelled.
>On Kiyone's instructions, Mihoshi lowered her naked body onto Washu's
>face, but just before she did, the number-one-genius-scientist
>materialized the vaccine for the virus she was working on and quickly
>swallowed it, just before Mihoshi's slit hit her mouth.  Figuring
>Mihoshi wouldn't leave without a good tongue lashing, Washu started

RICKY: On a twenty-minute tirade about how demeaning lemons are for female
characters, especially one that are around other female characters often.

>licking.  Mihoshi squealed in pleasure, remembering how Kiyone used
>to lick her to sleep at the Galaxy Police headquarters.
>Kiyone remembered too and grimaced, thinking of the *lack* of sleep
>she got.  That Mihoshi needed to be licked for an hour before she'd
>nod off...

STEPHEN: Nytol would help her get her Zs.
DAVID: But why not Unisom?  It's just the way for her to fall fast asleep.
LOUIE: I'd suggest NyQuil.  You know, Big N, little Y, *great big fuckin' Q*.

>Anyway!  Kiyone was still fucking Washu good, enjoying the feel of the
>leather strap rubbing against her pussy.  The friction from the rubber
>cock was exciting Washu's tight hole, even though Washu herself was
>still pretty annoyed with the whole situation.  Soon, Washu's muffled
>cries of "OW, OW, OW!!!" slowly turned into

STEPHEN: Whimpers for help as her body was torn asunder by what was inside
her.

>tiny grunts as her vagina became slick with her juices.  The strap-on
>pounded in and out of Washu's twat, making a nice *squelch, squelch* noise
>that echoed throughout the lab.

DAVID: Then it echoes through the whole house, everyone comes looking for the
source of the sound, and boom, we've got either an orgy or a quick end on
our hands.

>Meanwhile, Mihoshi kept on getting licked, and continued squealing
>and babbling about Kiyone and their time at the Galaxy Police
>headquarters and how her tongue was like a snake and how she always
>made a noise like a dog when she had her nipples pulled and...

LOUIE: I think her giving Tenchi a hummer would be welcome right about now.
DAMIAN: You what?!
LOUIE: Hey, it'd shut her up, wouldn't it?

>Well, anyway, she was getting a good licking.  Finally Washu couldn't
>stand it, and when Mihoshi's clit was close enough, Washu nipped it
>slightly, just hard enough to make Mihoshi cry out and step away.
>Unfortunately, it made Mihoshi even hornier, and she began
>smothering Washu with her slit.  Boy, how can this get any worse?

DAMIAN: Sasami.
RICKY: Ryo-Ohki.
DAVID: Those damn IBI agents appearing again.

>Just then, Bob Dole walked in!  Then Kiyone shot him in the nuts and
>he ran out crying.

RICKY: Ah, he'll just get that fixed, take some Viagra, and be right as
rain in a week.

>Anywho, Washu tried to keep herself from cumming as the strap-on slammed
>into her again and again, and the smell of Mihoshi's pheromones were starting
>to get to her.  Even with the vaccine for the Lust Virus in her, she was
>starting to get hot.

STEPHEN: But it wasn't that... she was lying right atop a bunsen burner.

>She started rocking her hips in time with Kiyone's thrusts, licking
>Mihoshi and drinking down her juices.  Suddenly Mihoshi let out a
>yell and fell forward onto Kiyone's back.

DAVID: Dude, she's dead.  That must be one mean virus.

>Kiyone kept on thrusting, hampered slightly by Mihoshi.  Finally she
>shoved the rubber cock all the way inside Washu as the friction from the
>leather strap sent her over the edge.  At the same time, (actually, about
>four seconds after,) Washu shuddered as she was overtaken by a powerful
>orgasm.

LOUIE: Ah, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
RICKY: But the virus would know that.

>Finally Kiyone collapsed on top of Washu, the giant rubber dick
>still stuck in the scientist's pussy.  They all laid there for several
>minutes before Mihoshi woke up and started humping her crotch on
>Washu's face again.  My god, will this never end?!?!

LOUIE: And that light was just a train, headed straight for our spirits.

>Before anyone feels the need to answer that, suddenly a portal appeared
>near the trio, and a weird guy in a white lab coat and his blonde and
>big-breasted assistant popped out.

DAMIAN: Oh, no.

>The weird guy looked around, then at the naked women, then shouted,
>"Dammit, Washu!  Would you stop making your labs in alternate dimensions?!
>This is the fourth time this year I've ended up here!"
>Naturally Kiyone and Mihoshi stopped what they were doing.  "Hey, look,"
>Washu exclaimed, "It's Lustiprick!"
>"It's DICK!!!" Lustidick shouted angrily.  "LustiDICK!!!"

RICKY: Either way, it makes you sound pretty damn stupid.

>"Does it really matter?" Ms. Jugglesworth muttered.
>"What'cha been up to, Richard?" Washu asked the doctor.

RICKY: Well, I've been up here for quite some time, and... oh, you mean him...

>"Wait a minute," Kiyone said slowly, "Your name's Dick Lustidick?!?!"
>"Explains a lot, doesn't it?" Washu said with a grin.
>"I prefer Richard, thank you," the doctor said.  Then he shouted,
>"Washu!  You want to see something thick, white, and hard?"

STEPHEN: I predict a frozen vegetable joke.

>"NO!!!" all the women screamed.
>"Well, too bad!"  The doctor started throwing frozen cauliflower at
>them and laughed maniacally, then turned to his assistant and said,
>"Ms. Jugglesworth! We must escape, to another anime series...again!"

DAVID: Pray they never reach Gundam Wing.  Yaoi... our nightmare.

>Ms. Jugglesworth just rubbed her temple and groaned.  "Wonderful,
>another portal..."
>Well, the doctor and his assistant went through that portal, and
>the fucking resumed.  Almost.  Washu took the distraction from
>Lustidick's arrival to replicate two hypos full of red liquid,
>and quickly injected the contents into Kiyone and Mihoshi.  The
>results were instantaneous, if a little gross.

LOUIE: She gonna make them into smack-heads?

>"OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!?!?!"  That was Kiyone's
>reaction.
>"Is it bedtime already?"  And that would be Mihoshi.
>"Get off me."  That's Washu.

DAMIAN: "Why do you torture me so, Shadow?" That's Damian.
RICKY: "Who would think this could break us?" That's Ricky.

>***
>Well, the aftermath wasn't pretty.  Kiyone was embarrased, of course,
>and Mihoshi just embarrased her even more by accidentally revealing
>that Kiyone liked to be spanked sometimes.  That wasn't the half of
>it, either.  Ryoko was still in the bath, but Tenchi was unconscious
>from blood loss due to a massive nosebleed that forced Washu to drain
>the bath and wash it down.

STEPHEN: Case closed.  I'm not the only one who likes dark humor.

>Sasami was found in the kitchen, playing tug-of-war with Ryo-ohki for
>a large carrot carved in the shape of a dildo.  And Ayeka?  She was
>giving her guardians a lapdance.  But in the end, everyone was cured,
>and they lived happily ever after...

DAVID: Since we made it, that includes us.

>Well, not quite.  Several days after the "unspeakableness", Ryoko
>was about to go to sleep on the sofa when somebody dropped a flower
>pot on her head.  Naturally she was pissed and sat up, ready to blow
>up somebody, when she saw it was Washu.
>"What do you want?" Ryoko muttered angrily.

LOUIE: (Washu) The pieces of my flower pot.

>"Just a moment of your time," Washu said playfully.
>"What are you talking about?"
>Washu pulled out that translucent screen and called up the video of
>Ryoko and Ayeka in the bath.  Ryoko screamed, fainted, woke up, saw
>herself licking Ayeka, screamed again, and tried to beat herself
>unconscious with the flower pot.  Then Washu had to stop the video
>and keep Ryoko from hanging herself.
>"Why the hell did you show me that?!" Ryoko growled.

DAMIAN: (Washu) Just to see how you'd react.

>Now Washu showed her another video, one that was streaming live from
>Ayeka's room.  The princess was sitting on her bed, head down, deep
>in thought.
>"She's waiting for you," Washu said softly.

RICKY: (Washu) And she's pissed.  She's as mad as a yak in heat.

>Ryoko just scoffed.  "I guess I gotta set her straight." (No pun intended)
>Washu watched Ryoko walk upstairs, then replicated a bowl of popcorn
>and sat down to watch the show.

STEPHEN: But when she decided she wasn't interested, she turned it to TechTV,
just in time for Extended Play.

>Meanwhile, upstairs Ryoko burst into Ayeka's room, ready to tell her off
>and stuff.
>"Miss Ryoko!" Ayeka said in surprise.
>"Now listen here, Ayeka--"
>"Miss Ryoko, I was...just thinking of what happened a few days ago..."

DAVID: (Ayeka) I called my lawyer and decided to sue you for sexual harassment.

>Ryoko looked at her strangely.  "What about it?" she snapped.
>"Well, I-I remember you said you loved me...a-and I know you probably
>didn't mean it, but..."  Ayeka kept her eyes on the floor, then
>continued.  "I-I did enjoy it...hearing it, I mean..."

LOUIE: (Ryoko) Well, when I said that, I mean I love you like I love softball.

>"What are you talking about?" Ryoko asked.
>"Um...I do still love Lord Tenchi, and I wish to marry him, but...but
>I was thinking..."

DAMIAN: That's dangerous.

>Ryoko got an odd thought in her head.  "Ayeka..." she said slowly,
>"Do you want to sleep with me?"
>Naturally Ayeka blushed up a storm.  "I-I-I believe so, yes..."
>Ryoko was about to go back downstairs to her waiting noose when she
>figured, 'why not?'  She walked up to Ayeka, then lowered herself to
>look at the princess in the face.  "Are you sure?" she asked seriously.

RICKY: (Ayeka) If I were sure, I would already have you pinned to this bed.
DAVID: (Ryoko) Touché.

>Ayeka couldn't yet bring herself to look Ryoko in the eye.  "Yes."
>"Okay."  Now Ayeka looked up at her and smiled slightly, still blushing.
>"But I'm still gonna fight you for Tenchi.  We're destined to be
>together, you know."
>Ayeka almost started shouting, but thought better of it.  "Um...
>could you...er..."
>Ryoko brought her face close to Ayeka's, then leaned forward and
>kissed her lightly on the lips.  "Don't worry, I'll be gentle."
>"Thank you," Ayeka whispered, then embraced Ryoko and kissed her back.

STEPHEN: Well, I think I'll go call Dr. F and see if we have any insulin
up here.
DAVID: I didn't know you were diabetic.
STEPHEN: After this, we all may need it.

>***
>(Awwww, wasn't that sweet?  I always thought Ryoko and Ayeka should
>end up together, but naturally personality clashes prevented that.

DAVID: Ah, jeez.  He does that, do?

>Of course, outside interference works wonders for changing people's
>minds.  Now, let's see where the good doctor ended up!)
>Somewhere in a Japanese-ish town, a man in a lab coat and a woman
>with half a lab coat suddenly appeared and scoured the area.

LOUIE: But why scrape everything up with the steel wool?

>"Where are we now?" Ms. Jugglesworth asked.
>"I'd say we're in a town somewhere in Japan," Dr. Lustidick observed.
>"No shit, doctor," the assistant muttered.  "Maybe this one will be
>almost normal..."  She looked around, noticing they were right outside
>a martial arts dojo.  There was a small pond, a clothesline with
>laundry billowing in the wind, and a panda sitting on the porch,
>pleasuring himself.

DAMIAN: Hmmm... martial arts dojo, panda, village... no... it couldn't be...

>"Fuck it, let's go to another universe."
>"Why should we?" the doctor asked.
>"There's a panda jacking off right over there!" she exclaimed.
>"All the more reason for us to stay!"
>"I'd say it'd be all the more reason for us to get the hell out of here!"

RICKY: Good idea.

>"Nonsense!  Now, let's go find a warehouse!"
>"Aw, dammit..."

STEPHEN: Possum spit!
DAMIAN: Well, that's the end.  Let's roll, recons!
DAVID: Another victory in our campaign.

(They exeunt.)

(Bridge.  The Warriors are all standing about, discussing various things.
The red light flashes.)

DAMIAN: Ah, there's the coated one now.

(He hits the button... but it isn't Dr. Forrester on the screen.  Instead,
it's a young male figure, very unfamiliar.)

MYSTERY MAN: Hey guys, I... wait, you're not the guys from Megabyte's
experiment.
RICKY: And you're not Dr. Forrester.
MYSTERY MAN: Forrester?  As in the scientist from Mystery Science Theater
3000?
DAVID: The same.  Only we're not Mike and the Bots.  We're the Magic Warriors.
MYSTERY MAN: The Magic Warriors?  The guys from the Magic Warrior Theater
series?  Holy shit!  I thought you were just fictional characters!
LOUIE: We're quite real.  Hey... whaddya mean, fictional?
MYSTERY MAN: You guys are the stars of an MSTing series that's on the Internet.
STEPHEN: Yeah, we've seen those logs.  Hey, since you know us, why don't you
tell us who you are?
MYSTERY MAN: You might not want to hear it.
DAVID: C'mon, tell us!
MYSTERY MAN: Well... I'm one of the people who's had something sent to you.
RICKY: Author.  Check.  And not Azrael.  We know she's female.
DAMIAN: And we know it's not me.
MYSTERY MAN: I write lemons.
RICKY: Lemons.  Check.  That narrows it down a little.
MYSTERY MAN: I'm also sort of a fan of your series...
RICKY: Fan.  Check... wait.  You couldn't be...
LOUIE: Shadow?
SHADOW: You're good.
STEPHEN: *shakes for a bit* You... you took my joke and warped it!
SHADOW: It was funny.  I mean, doesn't it just make you want to laugh?
DAMIAN: A little.  What happened, anyway?  Why'd you call us?
SHADOW: I didn't.  I guess the signal I was sending to another vessel got
rerouted and vectored towards your ship thus causing your ship to believe that -
DAVID: Uh, we get it.  By the by, you talk like you write.
SHADOW: It's a "stream of consciousness" thing.  Now, I'm going to try to call
my guys.  It was nice meeting you guys!
DAMIAN: It's good to see that even among our "enemies", we have fans.
SHADOW: So long!

(The connection is cut.)

STEPHEN: That was odd.
LOUIE: Cool, though.

(The red light flashes again.)

RICKY: That must be Dr. F. (He hits it.)
DR. F: So, I see you haven't been fazed by the experiment.
DAVID: Not at all.
(Usagi walks in from right.  Baby Frank is nowhere to be found.)
USAGI: Keep it down, guys, I just put Frank down for a nap.
DR. F: (turning his attention to the screen) I see... then I'll just have to
find something else.
DAMIAN: And we'll be right here to rip it to shreds.  You can bet on that.
DR. F: Well, then, until next time, dung beetles...

(He hits the button.)

DAMIAN: I wonder if anything else like that'll happen?

\    |    /
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-----o----- SHHEEEOOooooo...
    /|\
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/   |   \
/    |    \

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Done at last.  2002 has started off as a very hectic year.
I've had school, personal matters, family, and Internet life all placing
stumbling blocks in my path since the beginning of the year.  Anyway,
this was one hell of a way to start.  A Tenchi lemon (and I know less than
nothing about Tenchi), a new character, and myriad ideas for this series
and others.  Anyway, I can always use feedback, so send off anything to the
address at the top.

>Meanwhile, Mihoshi kept on getting licked, and continued squealing
>and babbling about Kiyone and their time at the Galaxy Police
>headquarters and how her tongue was like a snake and how she always
>made a noise like a dog when she had her nipples pulled and...

Keep circulating the crap...