From: Jose L. Solano (jsolano199@aol.comlink) Subject: [MST] Dima's AFD Fic Newsgroups: alt.games.nintendo.pokemon View: Complete Thread (4 articles) | Original Format Date: 2000/10/09 (Our heroes, consisting of David, Scott, Jamie and Austin, are exploring a crypt for some reason or other) David- Wow. It's dusty. Scott- Yeah, but that's because nobody's been here for centuries. Jamie, any luck deciphering those wall scriptures? Jamie- Just about... Scott- What do you have so far? Jamie- "Chamber of Hidden Horrors- This chamber contains the most horrible ...something.... in existence. If you unearth it, you may not survive it." Scott- Sounds like something out of The Mummy. David- Meaning it's just plain gay. I want my money back already. Austin- Hey, I liked The Mummy! David- But you also liked Babe 2. What's your point? Austin- The duck was cool! Scott- Quiet, guys! I've found the treasure! It's... it's... it's a fanfic. David- You made us travel 2,000 to this shit crypt to find a fucking FANFIC?! Scott- Wait, it has the words DIMA on it. Jamie- Uh oh... Scott- Let's see... ok, here's the beginning. >Okay, just a little note. This does NOT follow AFD storylines. Oh, and >Areku.. dont worry, you and Sarah get hooked up in the next chapter. David- That's not the beginning, dumbass. Scott- Ok, here it is. > > >AFD Fic > > > >Chapter 1 > > > > Dima awoke with a jump. Scott- And he gave himself a concussion as he hit the roof. >He looked at his watch and as he saw the little numbers, a heavy feeling came over him. David- Delayed reaction. >"Shit! It's 10:00! Oh boy, Clare is really going to have my head for this." Jamie- (Clare) It's YOUR fault that it's past 9:30! YOU are responsible!! >Dima splashed his face with mouthwash Scott- Missed your mouth, buddy. David- Don't clal him buddy. > slipped on his best-looking dress shirt. He ran into his garage, >jumped in his Volvo C70 and off he was. He even forgot to lock the door. David- Instantly, fifteen burglars ran into his house and took all valuable possessions. Austin- But all he had was a plugged nickel so they ransacked the place in a bitter rage! > Dima's car skidded to a halt on a parking lot in front of a >rather huge skyscraper. The word "ConwayTek" was spelled out in giant >letters on the side of the building. 'I'm going to get creamed by Conway!' >Dima thought to himself. Austin- But Dima's gay, so he should enjoy it. Jamie- Remind me again why I don't slap you? Austin- Because I'm your brother! Jamie- No, that's not it. David- It's because you always let me do it. (David punches Austin) >He rushed out of his car, quickly pressing the LOCK key on his remote. Scott- But the LOCK button was about the size of a small terrier, so it had to step on it to work. >he car made a little beeping sound and flashed its headlights. Scott- NUCLEAR DEVICE ARMED. YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO DEACTIVATE NUCLEAR WEAPON OR STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE. REPEAT- NUCLEAR DEVICE ARMED. THIS VOLVO WILL DETONATE IN EXACTLY FIVE MINUTES. >Dima rushed inside the building, hit the UP arrow on the >elevator controls. Soon there was a 'DING!' and the elevator doors opened. David- Out stepped a team of Russian terrorists who quickly exchanged surprised looks with Dima before running down the hall and into the basement. Jamie- (Dima) Wait! It is I, Komrade Safanov! Wait for me!! >"Hi, Sarah!" Dima blurted out as he jumped in the elevator. Jamie- (Sarah, from across the hall) Wha? >He hit the key that read 'Office of Mrs. Conway - Floor 95' Austin- Mrs. Conway? She's a married woman! Kinky, Dima! > "You're late." Clare said in a rather mystifying tone. "I didn't expect this from you, Dima." David- (Clare) And now you will pay with your life! > "Yeah, I know, look, I'm sorry, Clare, I just can't handle the work hours!" Jamie- What, ten o'clock is bad? Listen you Communist twit, try getting up at six in the morning and going to class to teach a bunch of unappreciative fourth-graders until four in the afternoon, and then having to sacrific most of your free time to grading papers and making lesson plans! It's not fair, dammit, it's not fair!! David- It's alright, Jamie. Jamie- No, it's not alright! I'll strike back at Dima! I am Jamie Rosenthal, CAPITALIST SUPERWOMAN!! (David slaps Jamie) David- Snap out of it! It's all part of Dima's plan! He's trying to hypnotize us with his Communist fanfics! Jamie- Capitalist.... superwoman... > "Do you understand, Dima, that this is one of the largest shoe designer corporations in the world? Scott- Dima's really just a short Russian Al Bundy. >We are so good because every worker believes he or she is part of a hole. Jamie- (worker) I am empty space!! Fall through me!! YES!! DO IT AGAIN!! >You, Dima, you believe the rules do not apply to you. Scott- (Dima) I am well-acquainted with rules. In Mother Russia, we all must think what the leader desires! >I gave you this job because you were a great friend. David- (Clare) And I was drunk at the time, so I only thought you were a good friend, and even then I only THOUGHT I was Clare. >Unfortunately, that was in the past, Dima. Worry about the here, and NOW!" Austin- Here and now? Sounds like porn to me. >Clare had a huge grin on her face. Austin- What did I say? WHAT DID I SAY?! >Or I will move Areku up to your position. Jamie- How the hell did Areku become Dima's underling? That's like making the town drunk higher than the mayor. > and you, my friend, will be gone." Dima pursed his lips. Scott- But he was unable to sell them. People prefer alligator skin. > "I. I understand, Clare." Jamie- (Clare) You're fired! Austin- (Dima) What did I do?! Jamie- (Clare) You lied! It was written all over your face! Now get out of my office before I put you in a gulag, Commie boy! > "Good." Clare had a smile on her face. "Look, I'm sorry. When it comes to business, I can't let my >personal life interfere." Dima shot Clare David- But he missed. Clare took advantage of the lag and pulled out dual Uzis and fired. Suddenly, Foratog and Areku ran in and started firing at everything. Susan and Raptor burst through the wall (OH YEAH!) and joined the battle. It wasn't long before Dima's Volvo finally reached the end of the countdown and everyone was killed. >a nasty look David- Oh. Ok, nevermind. Austin- Wow, don't you feel stupid? (David punches Austin) > and went back to the elevator. He hit 'Floor 2 - Designer Offices' and waited as the elevator car shot him down. David- (Elevator car) AHAHAHAHAHA!! YOU LIKE THAT, BITCH?! THAT'S RIGHT, BEG FOR MERCY!! > "Ooh, boy, I'm glad it's lunch break!" Dima sighed as he sat down at his usual table, in his usual >restaurant with Sarah. Scott- But then five burly construction workers threw them out and took their seats. >"Clare gave me the 'Employees as a whole' speech this morning." Jamie- No, she said part of a HOLE. Whole and hole are two different things, Commie. > "Well, you were late by 3 hours, Dima." Sarah replied, clearly defending Clare. Scott- (Dima) Stupid Capitalist alarm clocks! >"Well. I guess that speech is a bit boring." Sarah admitted. She herself had gotten that speech quite a lot, too. Jamie- Are these people too stupid to understand the concept of "work shedule"? >"Hey. how about. oh, you probably won't like this idea. we throw a party? Oh, you >know, when we were kids, we used to have so much fun, eating candy and," >Sarah chuckled, "watching Digimon?" David- (Sarah) I. Feel the. Urge. To speak. Like a fucking. Neanderthal. What about. You, Komrade. Dima? > "Yeah, that was fun." Dima replied. > > "Your house?" Sarah said, with a grin. Austin- Heeeeeeeeeeeello!! Scott- Pervert. > "10:00PM, today. I'll tell everyone." Austin- Everyone?! It's an AFD Orgy! Scott- Pervert. >Dima pulled out his cell phone. He pressed 'MODE' 2 times, until 'GRP CALL' showed up. He pressed >one arrow key, and the screen displayed 'Employees'. Dima pressed a button the >side of his cell phone and it gave a little beep. Scott- Cellular Phone now armed. You have ten minutes to reach safety. Austin- Pervert. Scott- What? Austin- You fucking pervert. That's just NASTY. Scott- Uh... I'm talking about a bomb. Austin- Oh... OH. Nevermind... Scott- You scare me, Austin. > "Yes, Dima?" came voices from the cell phone. Jamie- (Dima) AH! There are little people in my phone! >"Yeeeah. Anyway, look, I'm having party at my house at 10:00 today. It'll be >just like the old times." Austin- Ju- Jamie- Don't, Austin. Just don't. >"Remember that party we had after senior prom?" came a voice from the cell >phone. David- I'll bet you anything Dima took a stuff animal as his date. Austin- And that stuffed animal is still filled with Dima's sticky Communist sem- David- Shut up, Austin. > "Oh, don't remind me!" Dima answered as he shut off his phone. Scott- (Dima) Oh, how it pains my Communist mind to think of anyone having fun! > "This is going to rock!" Sarah shrilled with glee. Jamie- Just how does one "shrill"? David- All I know is that anyone who's happy to go to Dima's part deserves to be shot. > It was 9:00 at Dima's house. Dima and Sarah were nearly flying around the >house, Austin- ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!! >making sure everything was in the right place. Pretty soon, the >doorbell started ringing. David- It was either the Grim Reaper or the IRS, whichever is scarier. >Dima couldn't avoid being excited. 'Just like the old times.' he thought to himself. Jamie- Ok, is he supposed to make us care about this? He could at least give an explanation for this fic. Scott- Ok, so he goes to work, gets yelled at, and throws a party. Is this piece of crap SUPPOSED to have a plot? David- First chapters are supposed to introduce the characters, not give us useless information and no setup for the main idea... unless the idea is that this party has some huge purpose, which makes this even stupider because there's no fucking way anyone can make an entire story based on a party or whatever the hell happens DURING the party. Scott-... Jamie- David, where did that come from? You only used fuck once and your ranting made some sense. David- I hate Russia, that's all. Scott- What about you, Austin? Austin- I thought this fic was just gay. David- Maybe I should've just said that. (The crypt collapses. Everyone but Austin makes it out) Jamie- Hey, Austin's still in there! Scott- Yeah, but so's that fic! We can't let it out again! Jamie- You're right! Unleashing such horror would certain doom for the human race! Austin- (from inside) Uh... guys? David- Sorry, buddy. You're stuck there forever. Austin- There's nothing in here except this fic... aw, c'mon guys, let me out! I promise to be good! David- Nope, you're stuck there with that fic. Tough luck, Austin. Seeya. Austin- Dammit, this isn't funny! Joke's over guys, let me out! Guys! Guys? Hello? Where'd you go?! Jose L. Solano ------------------------------- Owner of infinite "I Am God Because I Wrote Trent Retwin in PW" points ------------------------------- Beware the Dark Hamster of the Sith