Back -In the not to distant future, a couple days from now, -There was a guy named Ronnie, who wrestled a giant cow -He was able to evade the new casting flay -People liked him, so they said he could stay -Did a good job keeping up the place -But Ruth didn't like it so she shot 'em into space! RONNIE: *cleans his ear* -She'll send him cheesy fanfics, the worst she can find. (la la la) -He'll have to sit and read 'em all while the fans buy and buy. -Keep in mind Ron can't control whoever comes on in. (la la la) -Ruth's new idea left him for dead -And she'll pick all the new kin (Brand new rollcall!) Ronnie! (I'm so lonely.) Angie! (I'm not a cartoon. Seriously.) Kasumi! (I really want pants.) Cammy! (MARKER!) -If you're wondering where the others are, and other important facts -Repeat to yourself "since when do I tell you that stuff?" -Grab a cookie and just relax -For Mystery Science Theater 4000!!!! "Hello... Wonderful..." Ronnie sighs. "Viewers. Welcome to the Sattelite of..." Ronnie groans. "Love. Okay, that's enough, this is moronic." Ronnie slumps over a counter in front of him with three large multicolored buttons on it. "Seriously, Ruth. This isn't going to work." "You shut the hell up and do it like we rehearsed or I'll do some nasty things to your friends." Ruth laughs over the viewscreen, as Ronnie rolls his eyes and grabs a piece of paper from the table. "Today's the first day of our 'real' episodes, which will involve most," Ronnie glares a little and grumbles. "If not all... of your suggestions. First of which is, of course, the invention exchange. You go first..." Ronnie puts his forehead into his hand. "Ma'am." Ruth noticably brightens and pulls a large box out of a closet and puts it on top of the desk. "This, you little spit, is what I'd like to call a 'Generiobox.' It can make anything that you want it to." Ruth takes a few random pieces of scrap metal off of her desk and puts them in the box. "All you need is some raw materials, then input what you want like so..." She types a few keys on a keyboard coming out of the side. "Then just press this button, and..." The box heats up, turns a vibrant shade of bright red, and a large cat flies out of the top. "Voila! A cat! And it only took five pounds of scrap metal!" Ronnie stares at the screen, gaping. Ruth glares at him and sends a small shock through his feet. "You'd have better have an invention for me. If you don't, your friends will have to fight off another monster in the Gladiator Arena." Ronnie sighs again and pulls a whiteboard and marker out. "This is the Stress Eliminatron. You just put a clear plastic photo of someone you hate..." Ronnie puts a picture of James Lipton on the whiteboard. "Tape it up... Then just write away." Ronnie draws goofy glasses over Lipton's normal glasses, along with some awkward eyebrows and a silly hat. "Yeah. That's what I've got for you." "...GET THE FUCK IN THE THEATER!" Door One: A beam of light that rejuvinates you and saves your game. Door Two: A nostril-shaped door. Door Three: Automatic sliding glass doors. Door Four: A car wash. Door Five: A six-segmented door that opens to the side. Door Six: Your mom. >I do not own these characters. KASUMI: (Author) Thanks to Michigan law. >Cloud Mows the Lawn RONNIE: The excitement will never cease. >By Rasso CAMMY: What a terrible name. >Tifa knelt by the window with her arms were rested on the window sill. ANGIE: HOO-dog! Zero-to-excitement in less than a second! >She sighed in contentment, gazing outside. RONNIE: (Tifa) The apocalypse is so pretty... >Cloud was out front, mowing the lawn. KASUMI: I don't know if I can stand all of this intensity. >His shirt was off, which was a big turn-on for Tifa, his wife of two weeks. ANGIE: They already had four children. >Tifa laughed as she realized she could stare at him all day. CAMMY: With the occasional break for masturbation. >She was rather sad he would finish eventually. ANGIE: No one cares. >He worked out everyday, and his chest really showed that. RONNIE: Oh, yeah, and all that saving the world nonsense. ANGIE: His pectorals are level 99. >He was the sexiest man Tifa ever saw. KASUMI: Good thing she married him, then, otherwise that would be awkward. >That didn?t make Tifa fall in love with him, though. CAMMY: Bullshit. >They grew up together, and they had secret crushes on each other throughout adolescence. ANGIE: Ah, yes... Tifa secretly looked at him from afar, and Cloud broke into her house while she wasn't home and stole her underwear. >Cloud proposed to her the day after their long adventure, and she immediately accepted. RONNIE: (Cloud) Would you like to... CAMMY: (Tifa) Yes, of course I'll marry you! RONNIE: (Cloud) ...Okay, awesome! >She would never forget that moment, when she felt like she and Cloud were alone in space. ANGIE: Wrong game. >They married a week after he proposed, and were rarely seen outside after that. KASUMI: Except for all the lawn mowing. >Anyways, back to the story. CAMMY: Oh, thank goodness, I was worried for a second. >Tifa was in the master bedroom on the second floor of their new house, watching the man of her dreams cut the grass. RONNIE: Married life is filled with miraculous events. >The twenty-year-old woman was watching him mow the lawn for the seventh time. ANGIE: Advent Children had damn well better be more interesting than this. >It was a hobby of hers, and the fact that they had a huge yard and that it would take Cloud an extra long time to cut it. KASUMI: You boring idiot. >Watching how strong he was, she would not move for anything. RONNIE: I didn't know strength could be measure by lawn cutting frequency. >Suddenly, Tifa felt a slight rumble in her stomach, but she ignored it. CAMMY: Just as AN ALIEN BURST FROM HER STOMACH NOOOOOOOO! >She was having too good of a time watching Cloud. ANGIE: Unless she starts throwing fruit at him or something... >The best part of the mowing routine was the end, when he would come upstairs to shower. KASUMI: GOOD LORD YOU SUCK. >Right before he entered the bathroom, she would ask Cloud if they could take a shower together. RONNIE: This is actually making ALL women less appealing to me. >They would always end up kissing throughout the shower, and they would leave in a better mood than ever. *silence* KASUMI: Kissing? Is that the BEST you can do? >She was so sure he would let her shower with her that she was not wearing underwear under her black mini-skirt. CAMMY: Wow, this is boring. >She felt her stomach rumble again, and sighed. ANGIE: Wait, what? >She really didn?t want to leave. RONNIE: What, is her stomach rumbling some sort of call for help? >She wanted to stay there for the longest time, watching he husband do the yard. CAMMY: Uh, whatever you have to do, I'm sure he'll be mowing the lawn again at some point. >Of course she knew he would do it again, and again, and again, but she cherished every minute of watching him, she could not bear to stop. ANGIE: She's somehow making me ashamed to be female. >Tifa?s stomach rumbled again, louder than the first two times. RONNIE: That's important somehow, and I don't want to think of how. >She realized she had to think of what to do, and quickly. *silence* RONNIE: Oh no. No no nonononono. >She could run and return immediately, but then she would miss some of the lawn mowing. CAMMY: ...Am I the wierd one, or is that a common thought? >Her second option was to stay and clean up after herself, but the fear of getting caught made her feel uneasy. *everyone stares, mouth gaping open* >This feeling caused her stomach to rumble more. *silence* >Tifa looked down. *more silence* >The floor was a brand new and very expensive tile floor. *even more silence* >It was not a very pleasant idea for her to mess it up. RONNIE: OH MY FUCKING GOD. KASUMI: She's actually WEIGHING the pros and cons of assblasting on the floor! >?Whatever,? muttered Tifa. CAMMY: And apparently decided that doo-dooing on the floor is a better idea. >?When a girl has to shit, a girl has to shit!? ANGIE: That statement managed to set back women's rights five years. >Tifa?s black skirt was actually a wrap-around, and it was easy to remove. KASUMI: Ruth wouldn't let me bring my weapons. I now know why. >Soon, she was bottomless. RONNIE: That doesn't rule as much as it should right now. >Tifa took a deep breath and closed her eyes. CAMMY: Aaaaaaaaand they're gonna vividly describe it. >She pushed and grunted over again, until she felt her anus stretch. ANGIE: ...I can't do this justice. >?This is it!? she said aloud, while still pushing and grunting. *everyone mimics the sound of audience applause and cheering* >A crackling sound filled her ears as the turd finally slid out of her body. KASUMI: ...A crackling sound? >It was a hard one, dark brown and compressed together. CAMMY: Oh. My. God. >And boy did it stink. RONNIE: I welcome blindness. >Tifa didn?t mind the smell of her own droppings, but she knew it would be difficulty to get away with this. ANGIE: Hey, great, a grammatical error along with the pungent stench of shit. >With Tifa?s shit sitting on the floor, she felt slightly relieved. RONNIE: That had damn well not happen again. >Tifa let out a long, gassy fart. *silence* >She giggled, for she tended to have gassy poops. CAMMY: I think I've actually destroyed a piece of my brain trying to prevent this from being remembered. >Her relief soon ended, however, as she felt another log traveling from her colon to her rectum. RONNIE: Damn. It. >She pushed again, and the turd began to slide out. KASUMI: Along with another gassy fart, no doubt. >Unfortunately for poor Tifa, it got stuck halfway. RONNIE: ...No. Nonononononononono. >?I?ll bet that feels good!? said Cloud from behind her. *silence* ANGIE: ...WHAT?! >Tifa immediately jumped up in shock. KASUMI: Kill her! KILL 'ER! >She was so focused on expelling what was in her gorgeous bowels that Cloud finished the lawn and came up to the bedroom. CAMMY: Wait, so, he came up there because he knew she was dumping on the floor..? RONNIE: Don't even. >So there she was, standing there, in a white t-shirt, white socks, red sneakers, and no pants or underwear, and with five inches of shit sticking out of her ass in front of the love of her life. RONNIE: It's funny when you put it all together like that. >Tifa began to cry, and Cloud approached her and hugged her. KASUMI: I'd probably just pat her on the shoulder or something... >She didn?t care her shirt became drenched with his sweat. ANGIE: I think we're beyond sweat at this point. >She wanted her man. CAMMY: Well, the first step would be cleaning the floor you just messed on. >She even felt a bulge in his pants, and realized that her taking a dump turned him on. *silence* RONNIE: Cloud, I hate you so damn much. >To Tifa?s surprise, Cloud turned her around and lowered her onto her hands and knees. KASUMI: ...I can't even scream. >Tifa was puzzled at first, wondering what he would do, but that puzzle was soon solved as Cloud guided his dick toward her anus and the shit that hung from it. ANGIE: My life is actually of lower quality now. >Cloud moaned as Tifa?s warm poo mashed against his dick. RONNIE: ...I don't think I have the capacity to be disgusted by anything anymore. >They had had anal sex many times, but never like this. CAMMY: I should hope not. >Suddenly, Cloud?s dick set the poo that had been stuck in Tifa?s ass free. ANGIE: (Wanda Sykes) By golly, I'm gonn' free my ass! >Tifa?s rectum expelled the turd. RONNIE: Nope. You have no power over us anymore. >Tifa farted again, and Cloud felt a pleasant breeze on his member. KASUMI: I wish AIDS upon you. >?Thanks!? exclaimed Tifa. ANGIE: I'm never going to the bathroom ever again. >?Hey, no problem,? said Cloud. CAMMY: I think there might be one, personally. >?I?m going to shower. Wanna get in there with me? ANGIE: (Tifa) Ew, no.