Little Miss Mary, Part Three

In case you missed them and really feel like torturing yourself, here are the previous sporkings.

Part One: here
Part Two: here (This has the bad sex in it, so proceed with extreme caution, very thick goggles, and copious amounts of liquor and brain bleach.)

I promised I'd avoid the bad sex, and so I shall. This chapter actually had a few stabs at establishing plot in it. Granted, it was still outweighed by the bad sex, but at least she made an effort. Kind of. The bare minimum.

Story or Series Title: Little Miss Mary, Part Three
Fandom: Still not Harry Potter, and you can't convince me otherwise.
CulpritAuthor's Name: Athea

Full Name (plus titles if any): Little Miss Mary, Uncle John, and the rest of the canon-raped crew
Full Species(es): Stuificus WTFicus (and HOW!)
Hair Color (include adjectives): As canon, although as always, the length changes when they're Little Miss Mary and Uncle John.
Eye Color (include adjectives): As canon
Unusual Markings/Colorations: As canon - the auras seem to have been left behind, thank God.
Special Possessions (if any): Frilly panties. Bidet. Wizard's Guide to Gay Sex. Magical Buttplug. Doomcock. Severus gives Harry SPESHUL emerald jewelry on his birthdays. Oh, and now the ability to turn Harry into a hermaphrodite. *whimpers*

Annoying Origin: My worst nightmares
Annoying Connections to Canon Characters: Continue to kill them off, one by one, replacing them with horrible pod replicas.
Annoying Special Abilities: Basically, they now have SOOPER POWERS!!!1!1!one! and can do anything they want to. Which is good, because otherwise the author would have had to write a battle scene, and that'd take space away from her precious seXXors, and that would just ruin the whole thing.
Other Annoying Traits: ... Honey, at this point, I don't even know where to start.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:



********* Severus will have his Willie cut off by Mrs. Weasley if she ever finds out what he's been doing with it.*********

I'd never spent a more wonderful summer in my life except that year that I went to Cancun and worked as a male prostitute. Ah, the drugs, the drinking, the sex... We loved up and down the west coast of Great Britain, adding ley lines and nodes to our grid until we'd reached over load. Harry's sixteenth birthday was spent in a hot springs in Wales, literally in, I thought with fond memories of the passion with which we'd celebrated his coming-of-age. Holy shit! You mean you went to a hot spring and actually SAT in the WATER? You kinky perverts, you!

Our summer expeditions had proven most profitable in more ways than one. We'd decided to actually attempt to advance the plot instead of just concentrating on how much in TWU WUV we are. I'd sketched all up and down the same coast line. Then we changed our minds. My dealer in London would be pleased at my production this year. But since Harry had awoken my love, I'd felt energized beyond anything I'd ever known before. My love of sketching had taken second place for too long while I played the spy. Damn you, Dumbledore! You've crushed his artistic dreams! OH NOES!

Potion making would always be my first career of choice but having my painting too would be a nice counterpoint to that exacting magic art. Oddly enough, our travels had also shown me a few improvements in some of my special recipes. The thought of Snape's "special recipes" makes me feel a little bit sick. Once back in my comfortable dungeons, I tried out the main change in the wolf bane potion. Rue instead of rosemary and a touch of sea salt instead of my usual binding agent.

Remus was my guinea pig, as always and his enthusiastic endorsement of fewer side effects told me it would be alright to write it up for Potions Monthly. ... *snicker* Wizard trade journals. I love it. Black was grudgingly grateful and I must to admit to a smidgeon of smugness when he also thanked me for stopping with the fucking alliteration already. Perhaps the wolf was slowly civilizing him. Is he a wolf or a guinea pig? MAKE UP YOUR MIND, DAMN YOU!

//Sev, don't be mean// Harry's thoughts slid into mine awkwardly transitioning us from memories to the present time. //He's trying really hard to be nice. Remember we have to eventually tell them about our relationship so we want them thinking good thoughts about us by the time we come clean//

//I was hoping we could do that by owl post// I said innocently.

His giggle almost made me smile and that would have shocked the entire Great Hall where the first year sorting was almost complete and the exposition was already so awkward to start out with. I had ten new Slytherins and I prayed they would make the right decisions in the ever-growing war. I had a very odd feeling about young Lucas Snelling. I know, it's a bit of a Scary Stu, but at this point, any plot is welcome, just as long as it isn't sex.

//He feels dark, Sev. Really dark, like a black hole// Harry's thoughts were somber. Oooh, ominous.

//Yes, he does. I wonder if he's carrying another within him// I thought back and caught a determined look on his face. //You are *not* to investigate, my love. I will handle him if there is a problem. Besides, that would take away from our sex time.//

His thoughts were chaotic but I sent him soothing waves of love that eventually calmed him. //I'm coming to you tonight, Sev - I need to be sure you're all right. Oh, and have sex with you. Mustn't forget the sex, or there just wouldn't be a story.//

//Yes// I sent back a clear picture of me wrapped around him while we traded long drugging kisses. Ah, so that's why they're so convinced it's TWU WUV and they can see auras and everything. It's the drugs.



So. Harry visits his Sevvy-Wevvy-Pookie-Snookums-Wuvmuffin. They get it on. Gross tidbit of the day - every time they kiss, it's mentioned that they can taste each other's food. What, no floss for druids? Toothbrushing? Gum? Anything?

They're worried about Snelling. For two sentences. Then there's more sex. Hermaphrodite potions are mentioned. Apparently, Severus is now a believer in having little lovemuffins with his underage boytoy. Whee.

Oh, holy shit! More plot!

********* Dumbledore is now leaving the story forever and handing all Headmaster duties to his stunt double - Stumblesnore.*********

Christmas wasn't quite as cheery as I could have hoped. A series of Death Eater attacks had frightened a good many of our families into leaving their children at Hogwarts. However, we won't talk about those, because it would interfere with all the sex. The house elves did their best but an institutional Christmas just isn't the same as being home. Most of the instructors spent their days trying to cure homesickness with structured activities to keep the children busy. Oohhh, macaroni pictures. Happy Christmas to US!

It was working somewhat but I was hoping the upcoming Solstice bonfire would raise spirits completely even if we had never celebrated any pagan holidays until right this second.. It certainly never occurred to me that Voldemort would choose to attack during the holidays. I thought he'd be too busy getting presents for Wormtail and baking cookies for Santa. Voldie may be evil, but he makes a mean snickerdoodle. I first realized we had trouble when the wards shrieked a warning. I felt a weakness appear in the middle of the Great Hall equidistant between the Gryffindor and Slytherin tables. disturbance in the Force, as though millions of voices had screamed out at once, and then abruptly fell silent.

Severus had warned me that both he and Harry felt something wasn't right with young Mr. Snelling. They thought he might be - GASP! SHOCK! HORROR! - interested in GIRLS! Without something more concrete to go with, I'd opted for having him watched closely. Obviously not closely enough, I thought sadly, pushing away from the head table and heading for the disturbance in the Force. A small whirlwind had appeared in the center of the tables and the children were fleeing in all directions.

Except, of course, for Harry and Ron and Hermione and Neville and Ginny and Luna and... but who cares? It's all Harry Harry Harry Sev Sev Sev in this story - I sighed and put a little more speed into my step. But Sirius and Remus reached him first and all three of them were chanting a dispersal spell in unison. I was quite proud of them but unfortunately it wasn't working. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Severus flanking the young man shaking in the center of the Hall. Lucas Snelling's head was back while the whirlwind cloud spewed forth from his gaping mouth. "Look guys!" he said. "I learned how to do this in the circus! Isn't it neat?"

No words were being spoken and I wondered if we were confronting soundless magic. It wasn't quite as rare as wandless magic but it was sufficiently uncommon to concern me. Fuck you, Dumbledore. Don't give the Suethors ANOTHER special power. Why can't we just stick with JKR's rules for magic without adding speshul new things every other fic? Adding my staff especially my secretary, Lucille - she was very good with soundless magic to the effort, I felt the energy suck the counter-spell away from me and into the vortex. Now that was interesting, I thought, redoubling my effort. Minerva joined me then, having gotten all the other Gryffindors to safety. Except for Ron and Hermione and... oh, I give up. Harry Harry Harry. Sev Sev Sev.

She leaned in and shouted in my ear. "Poppy thinks it's a reverse wind spell. The more we try to break it up, the more it will grow."

"Smart woman," I nodded and fought my way through the howling, growing wind. I can understand why Dumbledore didn't catch this. He's just a dotty old man who's here to smooth the way for the Twu Wuv and Hot SeXXors that is Snarry. But our resident ley line-loving Happy Sooper Druid Magic couple didn't catch this? I'm disappointed. The vortex was twice as tall as Severus and he was fighting his way closer to the young boy who was the focus of all the swirling power. Getting to Harry's side, I shouted what we thought the spell was to him.

With their link, I thought that might be the fastest way to neutralize the problem. Well it's good to see all those Sooper Powers are good for something. Harry nodded sharply and a moment later, the air grew thin in the center of the Hall. A minute passed while the whirlwind stayed the same size then Snelling's eyes rolled back in his head and he collapsed. Severus was there to soften the fall but the boy looked like he'd shed most of his body weight in the last half hour. So he was dead then. I'm pretty sure that's the only way you can lose MOST OF YOUR BODY WEIGHT.

His Head of House picked him up in his arms and with a short nod to me, carried him away to Poppy. I rather thought Harry would be following shortly. I was pretty sure she was a member of the small circle who knew about them. Something about her partisan backing of Severus during the last staff meeting was my second clue. The first was her protection during his last medical crisis. So why didn't you put them in order then, instead of being needlessly confusing and Yoda-like?

"Well, that was about what I'd expect from a Slytherin." Sirius said shortly, tucking away his wand. "I'm a meen meenie! I don't like Slytherins! GRRR!"

Harry glared at him. "Don't be silly, Sirius. Being a Slytherin had nothing to do with it. Voldemort has to know we'd suspect something from his followers. This attack was pretty showy for him. I'm a good goodie! I know not to judge people by their House affiliation! YAY!"

Remus nodded. "I agree, Harry. It's the non-Slytherin we need to worry about. Someone we trust like a Hufflepuff or Gryffindor will surprise us with the unexpected. I'm giving you needless information that will never come up in the story again! Why the fuck do I even bother? AAAARRRRGGHHH!"

Sirius frowned at both of them but wisely kept further words unspoken. I smiled at them all. Maturity was breaking out all over Hogwarts. Poppy was going to have to do something about this outbreak before we were all infected. I soon had them back planning the bonfire for Saturday.

... That's it? Voldemort attacks, and they clear it up and then go "Right, we were having a bonfire, weren't we? Sirius, you bring the keg..." What if he attacks again? What if there's more going on in the story than hot Snarry sexing? Dear sweet crikey, this wounds me...



So Snelling was being used by Voldemort and now his magic is all gone and he's nothing more than a squib. Oh well. Anyway. Everyone helps Snarry make more anti-cough and cold potions for Madame Pomfrey. Draco and Ron are working together. This is our one and only clue that they are about to be in TWU WUV, just like Severus and Harry and Remus and Sirius. Nothing else happens during the school year. Well, I'm sure there's sex, but for once, we're spared that.

After the school year, Harry, Remus, and Sirius go to Greece for two weeks and Harry misses his Sevvy-Wevvy-Poo the entire damn time. He also learns how to bellydance in a few hours. He kisses a girl and doesn't like it because boys are where it's at, yo. They also go to a gay strip club. You have to love their priorities, don't you? "Well, Voldemort is still loose and he could attack again at anytime and the whole wizarding world is in danger... Oh, look, a strip club! Don't worry, Harry - determining that you really are gay is far more important than saving the world. Really."

Blah blah. Back to England and drag and Severus and SEX! They mention having sex THROUGH the altar. I'm not exactly sure how that would work, but okay. Sex sex panties sex nipples sex sex sex "I want your babies, Sev!" nipple sex ley lines sex sex sex nipples babies sex.

His smile was enigmatic to say the least. "I know what I want to do and who I want to do it with. The moment Voldemort is gone and it's safe, I want to start undergoing the hermaphrodite spells and potions. I want to be pregnant before I turn 19."

Holy shit! Harry turned into Britney Spears while we weren't looking! Although I guess that would explain the schoolgirl outfits.

Death Eaters are attacking more, but neither Harry or Sev wants to do anything about it because that would interfere with the sex. Somehow they manage to learn to control two elements apiece - Harry has earth and water, and Sev has fire and air. So now they have godlike powers in pretty much every way imaginable and could squash Voldemort in five seconds flat. And yet they're still more concerned about how Harry looks in a tight black leather skirt. So, basically, they're pretty much completely useless in every respect.

Sex sex sex. Food, high heels, sex. Harry is passive in a way that is supposed to be feminine but makes this girl want to go on a killing frenzy. Remus and Sirius have sex in their animal forms because that's OMG!SoKINKY! Harry writes a "revolutionary" paper for Defense against the Dark Arts that's all about ley lines and elements and shiznit, but refuses to tell Sirius where he got his information from, which to me would imply that he's making it all up, but obviously I just don't know anything. Stupid me. Then Sirius and Remus speculate on Harry's sexual preferences some more. There's more Death Eater attacks. Severus has a vision of Harry with a baby. And then, finally, at last, we have our BIG EXCITING BATTLE AGAINST VOLDEMORT!



When the battle came, it felt almost like an anticlimax. Crap. Harry and I had mentally linked near the lake for a day long picnic with most of the student body Yes, there's a wonderful idea. There's Death Eater attacks all over England and the last battle could happen every day. Pack up your devilled eggs, kids! when suddenly a convergence of the dots of energy we'd identified as Death Eaters gathered in the wizard community of Oxford. Harry and I looked at each other across the students spread out on blankets and nodded once before I headed for the Headmaster and he for his godfather.

Ten minutes later we met at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Tersely, I told them what had to be done. Do you mind telling us? Sirius would have protested Harry's involvement ummm... prophecy. Boy-Who-Lived. Maybe he shouldn't be protesting? Maybe? but Draco and Ron were already there (and in love) with Hermione and Blaise (who are also in love, although we've never mentioned the two being together before). Minerva and Poppy (probably not in love, because two sets of girl parts is just way too gross and icky) calmly joined us at the last minute and I was glad to see them. No matter what happened there were sure to be casualties.

//Be careful, my love// I thought to Harry while taking hold of his hands, no longer caring what Sirius thought.

//You too, Sev, remember our babies// Harry thought back and moved us to the center of the ancient university city.

Oddly enough, the city was built around a Druid spring much like our home in York. Wow. What a wacky coincidence that is. It sat in the city center in a square with one of the ugliest fountains I'd ever seen See? I can put detail in my story that has nothing to do with sex! I can I can I can! Harry soaked up its energy while connecting through the cobblestones to the earth beneath. I called the wind to me while readying a fire ball to distract Voldemort while Harry attacked.

The others appeared beside us one by one, belying the myth that no one can apparate from within Hogwarts' wards And this doesn't even bother me - it's par for the course with this story. Screams echoed through the air from battles that I'm not going to bother telling you about, because plot is stupid and I deliberately made a magical gaffe to draw the attention of the Death Eaters. Voldemort appeared within a heartbeat and his ugly face creased in a ghastly smile at seeing Harry and I hand-in-hand.

"The traitor and the hero, how fitting you should come to me today." His hissing voice came from a throat obviously distorted from the mutations he'd undergone. Please just say Avada Kedavra and be done with it.

"We are tired of your presence, Tom." I said matter-of-factly and watched him still with rage. "You are a blot on the shield of wizardry and you must go." You are a really bad metaphor, and you must go.

"S-s-severu-s-ss, I am dis-s-sappointed in you. I expected better from s-s-such an intelligent s-s-scholar." He frowned.

"I think you'll dislike what I've researched lately." I linked my elements with Harry's and we cut him free of the wards in this sacred space. Before he could react to that, we reached into his magical aura and turned him inside out. Water became fire so his very blood burned in his veins. Air was displaced with earth, clogging his lungs with mud. Bone became liquid and flesh began to burn to ash. See, kids, this is why giving your characters super-special powers sucks donkey balls. What ought to have been a big, exciting, dramatic battle with life-or-death moments and suspense is over in four very very very short paragraphs. I can't say I expected better from this author, but it still sucks.

What was left of his brain liquefied and oozed out his melting nostrils. He'd read the sex scene that comes after our big last battle. The attack was so quick and complete, he disintegrated before our eyes the readers all died of boredom and Harry turned one of the cobblestones into a container to hold the few remains. Then asking the wards for help, he opened a shaft to the core of the planet and let the stone plummet deep into the heart of the world. He leaned wearily back against me when the wards chimed it was done.

Albus apparated to us at that moment and the Aurors that came with him finished mopping up the remaining Death Eaters. None escaped because the wards kept us informed of where each one was. I held Harry clasped to me, his back to my front, next to the fountain, calling out who was where until finally Albus patted my shoulder and informed us the last one was captured. And that's it. That's all there is to it. Really.



So Severus and Harry go back to Hogwarts and eat and spend more time explaining to everyone that they're in love than they spent killing Voldemort, which makes sense, because the story was never about killing Voldemort in the first place. It's all about how in love they are and how good the sex is and how awesome their super-powers are. Because they are TEH EVOL!, the Ministry questions Severus about the fact that he's doing it and doing it and doing it with someone who could very well be his son, but Severus and Harry prevail because they are in TWU WUV. Draco and Ron? Also in Twu Wuv. Hermione and Blaise? Twu Wuv. Arthur Weasley is the Minister of Magic. In short, all is wrapped up in a nice little bow.

And now, my friends, it's time to give Harry his very own cooter so he can make babies with his Sevvie-Wevvie-Snuggle-Pie!


Three days later, Minerva, Hermione and I met in the Chamber of Secrets to cast the hermaphrodite spells for Harry. A thousand years ago, the spells were configured to make sure no male was ever coerced into becoming a child-bearer. But, of course, Harry isn't, because he's in WUV, DAMMIT! so it's all okay. Three women of the male's family or kin had to be asked by the man himself to cast the spells and they had to agree to do it without coercion for them to work.

Harry no longer had blood kin but he considered us part of his family and I must admit I was flattered. Minerva and I had spoken of his wish and thought long and hard on the matter. These spells were never to be taken lightly and we did not. The yearning in Harry's eyes had convinced me this was his true wish and the other two had seen it, too. So tonight we were here to fulfill his deepest desire. He wants this. Got that? HE WANTS A COOTER!

Harry came through the door barefoot and in a loose white silk gown that flowed like water down his body. Bearing the goblet of potion he'd helped create, he knelt in the circle we'd drawn on the slate tiles and spoke. "I come asking your help, my sisters. I love a man and wish to bear his children. I have thought long and hard about the paths available to me. Therefore I come to you and ask your aid in giving me those feminine parts needed for the bearing of our children." Wow, it's almost like JKR wrote this spell herself, isn't it? It fits so well with the psuedo-Latin of the rest of the books, what with its message of womanly bonding and the whole sister thing and whatnot.

"There will be pain." I told him.

"I accept it."

"The changes will be permanent." Minerva told him.

"I accept them."

"You will suffer the pangs of childbirth in full measure and more." Hermione said.

Harry's smile lit up the chamber. "I accept both the pain and the joy."

"Then drink, my brother, and let the spell begin." I ended that part of the ritual and began the ceremonial chanting while he took a deep breath and began to drink. Yep. Just like JKR. She loves to write these long, drawn-out, Goddess-worshipy spells.

When the goblet was empty, we pointed our wands at him and spoke the spell in the three languages of magic. It's canon. No, really. It's on page 237 of "How to Rape Canon Without Really Trying - written by Joanne K. Rowling, my hand to God, and not written by a Suethor who's obsessed with 'Magick' at all." Really. I chanted the Greek; Minerva the Phoenician; and Hermione the Latin. According to the books, the spell began to work with a tingling throughout the man's body; then his internal organs would begin to move to make room for the uterus and one ovary; lastly, the vagina would lengthen down and create a new opening behind his balls in the sensitive perineum area. ... so this is why the Suethors never both to explain their mpreg - it's needlessly medical while still not making all that much anatomical sense.

That was the one that would cause the most pain and all too soon, Harry was silently crying and rocking back and forth while clutching his arms to his stomach. Spots of red began to fleck his white robes and I knew it was taking hold. While he wouldn't normally have monthly bleeding because that would just be too icky and painful and gross for Twu Wuv, this first time was like a year's worth of PMS and menstruation because I have to make it look just a little painful or meen flamers will criticize me!

At last it was done and the last of the spell flushed through him in a tidal wave of emotion. All four of us were crying by then and we helped him off the tiles and into a hug that lasted until the tears were finally done. Ah, we weepy, helpless, emotional women. Look at how emotional and sisterly we are!

"Thank you, thank you very much." Harry wiped his face on his sleeve and smiled at us.

"You're entirely welcome, Harry." Minerva stroked his cheek. "I expect to be a favored great-aunt, young man."

"Me too," I chimed in with a smile. "And the minute you think you're pregnant, you are to fire-call me immediately."

"I think I want to be a godmother." Hermione grinned at him. "And I want a blow by blow account of every single symptom and change once you're pregnant."

"Yes, to all of you," his own grin glowed. "I promise to keep you all informed and I hope to depend on your support for the rest of our lives."

"Yes," we chorused as one voice, which set all of us to laughing. SISTERHOOD POWER!

For those of you keeping score, that was longer than the Climactic Final Battle, but not nearly as long as most of the sex scenes.

Harry has his cooter now, and there's joy. Then they have to tell Sirius, and there is wangst. Then Sirius gets used to the idea of Harry's new cooter, and there's joy again. Then Harry and Severus go back to their little cottage as Mary and John (who are now married, despite the fact that he's still her uncle, and everyone just thinks that's the swellest of all swell things) and proceed to play with the new cooter. All of this in loving detail. The Snape Family Heirloom ring is mentioned, as is Infant Potions Quarterly, because you can't deal with baby's upset tummy without the use of potions, potions, potions! Harry doesn't have to worry about trying to figure out when he'll ovulate, he just has to concentrate really hard on how much he wants to be pregnant. Again, I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. One last mention of nipples and how much Harry wants to breast feed, and then dear sweet God in Heaven, we're finally done. For now.

How can there be another chapter? Isn't Voldie already dead? What else is there to write about? Tune in next time for the answers, if you really think you want them.