We open to a shot of the burnt out hull of the deathstar, still smoking. All of the group is enjoying breakfast. Ryoko having some cereal soaked in "tea" while the rest of the group merely drinks Straight from the bottles. Duo "Just another great day out in space..." *hic* The monitor flicks on and Stewie appears Stewie "Stop complaining. Be thankfull I didnt strand you in Mir" All shudder Ash "Why do you always have to say things like that when Im trying to have breakfast?" Stewie "You call that breakfast?" Ash "Its better then that mush they forcefeed you" Stewie "... I hate you" All "the feelings mutual" Stewie "yes, well..." Duo "couldnt you at least send us some real food? All we have up here are half empty bottles of booze and stale burnt "star wars" crunchies" Stewie "..." Dude "and I want a new rug..." Steweie presses a button and shocks the both of them Stewie "any more questions?" Duo and Dude "no..." Stewie "is that your final answer?" Duo and Dude "..." Stewie "Well, Im glad we've come to an understanding. Now, lets get to work, shall we?" All "no..." Stewie "I AM IN CONTROL HERE! You shall do as I say!" Ash "just shut the hell up and lets get this over with" Ryoko "yeah, the faster this is over the sooner I can go back to sleep" Stewie plays with Washuus computer and the monitor switches to a blurb of Text Stewie "This is going to be an atypical day" All "thats a suprise..." Stewie "SILENCE!" All "..." Stewie "now, as I was saying, this is not going to be a normal story. Its kind of a cross between a lemon and a rant. From a Mr Doppelganger" Duo "great, just great" Stewie "... do that again and I'll make you read a lemon From Super_User_2" Duo "No! Don't! Im Sorry!" Stewie "Yes! Thats it! Grovel! Hahahaha!" Ryoko "Duo, you pussy!" Duo "Leave me alone..." The lights flash red and an Air raid siren goes off Ash "Oh my god! Duck and cover! We're gonna die!" Duo "nope, just the lemon sign, man" Ash "EVEN WORSE!" Ryoko, Ash, and Duo all move off screen to enter the theater Entrance *stewie can be heard laughing until the entire door scene is over *dog bone *6, TV's Incredible Hulk breaks down solid Oak doors *5, the CD door for a Sega Saturn opens *4, Link opens up a locked door with a key *3, The pope smashes his head throgh a plasterboard wall *2, Walk through the flaming wreckage of a Mechwarrior robot *1, Fight through the mob of people in Georgia going nuts over the PS2 Duo and Ash sit down in the theatre. Ryoko apears in the air and floats down into her seat. Old Movie count down Apears *5 *4 *3 *2 >A few months ago, I had one of my best ideas ever. Duo "Unfortunatly the courts didnt see it that way" Ash " ~\ nobody knows the trouble Ive seen... ~\ " >Be critical, and actually have a reason. Ryoko "Oh, Ive had those before, thier little candies. good too" Duo and Ash "..." Ryoko "What?" >And Cynics corner was >born. I'm using this as a forum to bitch, settle flames, >and as Kurt Loder once put it, Duo " Where are my pants?" >I wanted a "Week In Rock". So, this is really nothing more my vent. Ash " D+ Mr Doppelganger..." >If you wish to be interviewed on the show, Duo "Send a large brown envelope containing pictures of yourself and three friends to me" >mail me, as I no longer trust ICQ >for misc. chats. And for those of you hard-core ng fans, >that demand for shit posted to be on-topic, there will >always be a bit of pokemon hentai content, All "oh joy..." >whether it be >comments on the group, or lemons. I'll figure it out as I >write. > Thank you... Royko "and goodnight" *ryoko atempts to leave the theater and is shocked* Ryoko "Damn..." >*Intro music plays, a cover of Anarchy in the U.K. Performed >by System of A Down and Prodigy* >*****~~Cynics Corner, 2/7-14/00~~~***** >Thats right my friends, it is time for a bit of cynicism, >criticism, and a strong case of opinions. >**Stupid ass legal disclaimer** Ash "Stupid ass is legal property of Stupid ass inc." >The views shown in this broadcast are that of me, and a >couple other people who I think are cool or stupid, not >those of the general consensus of AGNPH or its affiliates. Duo "affliliates? AGNPH has sponsors? Ash " this portion of AGNPH is brought to you by Chucky Cheese" >The language in this is for people who can handle it, and >speaks of content not for those that don't want to read it. All "So why can't we leave?" *loud speaker blares* Stewie "cause I said so!" All "Damn..." >*On with the show. * >"This is your host, and main bitcher, Ryoko "Andy Rooney?" >Doppelganger. Ryoko "oh..." >This week I take on Presidential canidates, Ash " I figure I can knock gore out in the 5th round" >video games, Hamlet, >and Lemons(the best kind). >"As you all know, the presidential primaries are coming up >at a fantastic pace. Duo "yeah, that pace being fantasticly dragged out" >Gore vs. Bradley, Bush vs. Macain..... >Who do you vote for? Ash "Id vote Bradley off the island" Duo "Wrong show, man" >Lets put some shit in perspective. Ryoko "Lets not and say we didn't... fecal feliac" >First, this is only Rep and Dem, not the independent >parties. And most of this is just how I feel. I don't go >either way. All "Thank god!" >I take a president that can do something for me. Duo "But howcome everybody was so pissed when Bubba did something for Monica?" >"Gore. On the surface, Ash "has thousands of craters formed from volcanic action" >he is wonderful. For the internet, >a stable economy, and he's just a cool guy. B.S.. Ryoko "You know Bill Slade too? cool!" >Let me tell you, Everyone reading this would suffer if Gore was >elected. Duo " Suffer my wrath!" >Why? He is for Internet taxing; e-mail, >newsgroups, etc. He signed a bill last year(thankfully it >was shot down) Ash " You didn't see any bill, got that?" >that proposed just that. Long distance would >be charged to anyone that visited a server outside of your >local area. Ryoko "So basicly everyone in the world would get taxed" >And, what Bush gave us in '92, he wants the gov >to take back - The internet. All "Evil man!" >So, he sucks. All "Agreed" >"Bradley. Duo "beat out Caldors and is now the reining store In Norwalk!" Ryoko and Ash "What?" Duo "Sorry, its a Northeast America joke..." >An ex-basketball player, with a weak will. Ash " I do herebye leave all my worldly possesions to them. They know who they are!" >If it was to be a democrat, it'd be him I'd vote for. He even has >a hands off stance on music censorship. He's decent. Ryoko "Fucking lars Ulrich..." Ash "Uh royko, hes the uy whose against MP3's, not censorship" Ryoko "... shut up" >"Bush. He just sucks. More egotistical than his father, >and more annoying then Quayle. Duo "and tastes worse than pidgeon" Ryoko "..." Ash "I don't know what scares me more. The fact that you know what Pidgeon tastes like or the fact that you can refference it to what Dubya tastes like" Duo "Hey, I needed new cicuits for the knees in Deathscythe, ok? Ash "Sure..." >He is to be hated for his views on music censorship. >"Macain. While he hates censorship(He thinks Columbine was >the parents, not the medias, fault), loves the capitalist >freedom of the net, and has a good personality, he was a >slacker in school, graduating 2nd to last in his navy >class. That's cool. But the chances of him going psycho >are too great. Yet he's the best of the group. Ash "Hes aslo the only candidate that seems to be an actual human being and not that sick species of animal we call 'polititions' " >"Who would I vote for? Howard Stern, Jesse Ventura, or Bill >Gates. None of the real candidates are really appealing. >Stern: knows how to make the country fun, and maybe we'd get >rid of france. Ash "yeah, but we'd also have a congresshouse full of midgets and our state representatives would be bare chested women.... so go for it!" Duo "read my mind!" *ryoko whaps them both* Ryoko "Bakas..." >Ventura: a bad ass who doesn't take shit. Ryoko "he should see a doctor. Constipation is a serious problem" >Gates: after his term, the U.S. would own half of Europe, >and would have made us all rich. Ash "At which point Id take my money and run" >Then RedHat would take a rebellious role, and all hell would break out. Linux vs. >Windows. At the end of the battle, O/S2 would have >perished, and UNIX would have destroyed them all, Ash and Duo "Did he say Eunichs? O.o" Ryoko "No, but if you like, I'll introduce you to 2 of them in person" *Ash and Duo both go white* >plunging us into a tech nightmare. :)" >*commercial* >"Tired of letting those damn dolphins ruining your life? Duo "Yes! Theres never anything on but 'flipper'! " >Try Charlie's Tuna, completely, 100% tuna free, Ryoko "Good. Tuna tastes like crap" >now made with nothing but grade-A dolphin meat. Its flipper-tastic!" Ash "Hold the blowhole..." >*comercial* >"If you have ever felt that your life lacked direction, and >that it seemed like it was going to shit, Duo " Then it might be a good idea to let your life use the bathroom" >call us. If you seem to be able to make things go your way, call us. If you >know who we are, call us.The Illuminati: Ash "aka the 'US government' " >Controlling your life so you don't have to." >*Back to show* >"Welcome back. Now lets vent on video games. Duo "NO! You should always keep your Video Games in a well Ventilated area!" >I know many a person who will heartily defend N64, Ash "These people are called 'dumb' " *Ryoko clutches N64* Ryoko "Shut up..." >people who swear by Sony, Duo "Oh yeah? Well Sony you too!" >and still others that love Dreamcast. *Duo holds Dreamcast Tightly* Duo "There something Ive always wanted to tell you..." >Each has high opinions of their favorite systems, and love to mock the >others. Ryoko "Yeah! Im going out as a broken Dreamcast for Halloween this year! See?" *Ryoko puts on a torn paper bag with 'Dreamcast' Written on it* Ash "and just where in the hell are you going to trick or treat in space?" *Ryoko dances around happily wearing her bag* Duo "I have a peice of Candy corn in my gym bag. The best we can do is Pray" >I also hear them make fun of games that just don't look good to them. Ash " Neener Neener Neener!" *Seaman game runs off crying* >These guys are imbeciles. Duo " You are correct, Sir! Hio!" >"The best view I have heard expressed about what a true >gamer is Ash "Was told to me by Bill Slade, back In Vietnam. Then Charly got the drop on us. He pelted us with 100% tuna free tuna and his angels kicked me in the gonads" >, was stated by one of my friends Banquo:" > 'A true gamer plays, not for the refresh rate, or the >system its on, but for how fun it is.' Duo "We call these people 'intelligent' " >"I've seen this echoed in many places. And a trend I have >noticed is that these people love DOS games, the genesis, >the SNES, Atari, gameboy, and other old systems(Yes I view >DOS as a system. I love the games because they're so >unique). Ash "Yeah, you're not going to see the game 'snakes' on any next gen system" >They play to play. They don't need 4 CD's of CG >for fun. Though it helps. Secret of Mana vs. FF-IIX. >Which do you prefer? Duo "I prefer it to be called 'FF8' or "FFVIII", thats what" Ryoko "Shut up. Secret of Mana Rules" Duo "Didnt say it didnt, kitty" >Why? Look at your answer and see what >it says about you.(BTW, I love CG games. But I also love >choppy games like Daggerfall, and sprite games like Mana.). >More on this next week. >"Turning to our next story, we look at Shakespeare's >classic, Hamlet. Duo "A hamlet and egg sandwhich, covered in melted cheese and topped off with a pinch of salt..." *Ryoko and Ash beat up Duo* Ash "So hungry..." >And why it sucks. Ash "Why ask why?" >"Lets face it, if you have read it, you must realize, as a >tragedy, it doesn't perform. I mean, who really felt sorry >for Hamlet when he died? Duo "I did..." Ryoko "wussy" >For 4 acts he bitched and moaned, Ryoko "and it wasnt even a lemon" >and put of his revenge. Then as he was dying, he finally >went through with it. It's more of a dark comedy. Ash "So this guys walked into a bar... and I shot him" *duo plays rimshot* >"Now you look at me like I'm a moron. *all stare at Doppelganger like hes a moron* >But it makes sense. Polonius dies being a spy, which he was. Ophelia dies >because she never did what she wanted, Ash "Scale a mountain wearing nothing but a cod >only what everyone told her to. The reality of the world made her mad. Roz >and Guild die trusting the person they were supposed to kill. Duo "smart people, those two..." >Laeretes dies overreacting, not trusting honor to get >him through. The queen dies drinking Hamlets wine, Ash "no, that couldn't be a sexual metaphor..." >being a greedy little slut. Ash "Then again..." >And Cluadius... He died overdoing it. >With just a few bags of gold changing hand, he could have >taken care of Hamlet with hit men. But no-o, he HAD to >poison Hammy twice. Duo "Yeah, cause god forbid Mr coriner could'nt be able to tell it was death by poison. We'd better double the dosage so it seeps out of his skin" >Like I said. It was funny. >"The saddest death in it was Ophelia's, just because she >didn't follow her heart. Otherwise, It had none of the >qualities of Romeo and Juliet, Tempest, Othello, Macbeth; Ash "Well, except for the fact that people die in all the stories, yeah..." >Those were great tales. I'm not specifically saying that >Hamlet isn't a great story. But it isn't in the Bard's >normal air. Its less of a play, and more of a short novel. Ryoko "Much like this rant..." >"Enough of that. Time for a word from our sponsors..." Duo " ~\ bird, bird, bird is the word! ~\ " >*comercial* >"Have a relative you want to get rid of? Duo "not anymore..." >Looking to go on a vacation that wouldn't strain your budget? Ash "Then come on down to Malaysia! Great pay and wonderfull work enviornment await your children!" >Or maybe a place to dump your industrial waste? Duo " all those bald children at the playground are arousing suspicion" >Well come on down to Billy >Bob's Corner of the Hell-Hole known as North Dakota. A >small sampling of the entire state in my piece of land, you >will find everything you would the rest of the place. Ash "As well as a sampling of what Mars may have looked like 5000 years ago!" >Sheer idiocy, and shit. That's Billy Bob's Corner! Call now! >666-222-3324" *Duo makes a note to set the Auto-dialer to that number to annoy Billy Bob* >*commercial* >Dop's Deep Thought >"Love is anger with sexual and poetic overtones. Unless >it's LOVE, then it's Sex with angry poetic overtones." Ryoko "Isnt that France's National Anthem?" Ash "No, I think that song has "Nice Lady!" thrown in randomly >*back to the show* >"Lemons are a touchy subject, in a hentai group. Some feel >they are romantic tales of lust and love, made to inspire >such emotions. Some feel they are for humor, others fell >they are made to 'get people off'. Ash "Or like Mr Ghastly, others beleive they are meaningless globs of Text" >Truth is, all of the above. A lemon is not a specific genre. Some can be >raunchy, beautiful, or fucking funny. It's all in the way you write it. >"I'm sure we all have read shit lemons, Ryoko "This guy sure likes shit..." >those that are so horribly made, so horribly spaced... fuck. Just so horribly >written, that it seems its a fourth grader with a hardon and >an 'Ebonics to Hillbie' dictionary by the PC. Ash "Fond memories..." >Spelling errors, grammar errors, and shit that doesn't flow unless you stutter. Duo " F-fu-fu-f-fu, Asshole" >"So here are the tips for you first time lemon writers- > *Don't write it, if you can't imagine it. Nothing worse >than an event that defies the imagination. Ash "Unfortunatley most lemon writers have some fucked up imaginations..." >Like "he cumned downe her back threw her stomache". That just doesn't make >sense. Ryoko "Unless hes that dog "Max" from the movie where he peed acid on the guys face... Duo "That movie was lame. Id rather watch Kujo again" > *Re-read, proof-read, and re-read again. Then get a >friend to read it. Ash "If your friend decides they no longer want to be your friend, it might be a sign you need to rewrite your lemon..." >Make sure it makes sense. > *Try and use words correctly. Cum is come. Ryoko "How cum?" >And one cannot come 'in a tourent of blood', or some such. Duo "well, not a healthy person at least. When I had bladder infection it was like strawberry yogurt" *Ash barfs* Ryoko "Did it taste as good too?" *duo and Ash both barf* > *spell check. Nuff said. > *Post it, and be ready for all kinds of opinions. It's >your first time. You will get better. Ash "Youd think so, wouldnt you..." >"And for a great example read my g-fic- >*commercial* "This isn't a commercial. GO back to the show. Damnit Don. You'd think that since you're BOB's brother you'd be smarter." Duo " *sob*, I was adopted you dolt!" *back to show* >"Thank you. Read my g-fic, Ash "Just so long as that g wasnt borrowed from 'g-string'... " >'how to make a lemon without really trying'. It shows what a truly horrid lemon is. >sigh. I have no help here. Don, the great BOB's little >brother is producing and directing this thing, Duo "Tommy Chong is co-directing" >I have >lurkers manning the camera's, and have N.O.T.E. on >assignment from the AGNPH archive. Don't ask. Ryoko "Don't tell >"So now lets go to N.O.T.E. to get my Lemon pick of the >week. N.O.T.E.-" >*screen change* >"Thank you Dop, I'm here at the archive, reporting. This >week, a lemon of epic porportions. You picked a great >lemon. Evan's, "The return to the house of Imitay". Ryoko "Isnt that over in Italy?" *duo and Ash both stare blanky at Ryoko* Duo "yeah... right..." >His first, and a great first showing. A must read. And some >other picks for this week are: SaraJ, "Pokemon Nights", Ash " the only story where the main character from NiGHTS has anal sex with a Pikachu" >Ghastly, "Playtime for Ghost Pokemon", and finaly, Mistress >Crunchie's, "Pikachu's First". Dop-" Duo "-pelganger" >*Back to a breathless dop in studio* Duo " Dop! How many times have we told you not to puff on a bong while N.O.T.E. does his Lemon reviews?!" >"I have to get more help around here. Now for a brief week >in review: > -The flame war started in the thread [my first lemon] >has been put out thanks to an agreement to disagree Ash "in the same fasion that new laws are passed in the US" > - Four new lemons, and 2 new pics were posted, to the >enjoyment of the whole group. > - Evan wrote his first thing for AGNPH in months Duo "Unfortunatley this 'thing' was nothing more than a peice of paper that said 'made you look!' " > - The spam rate has increased to 4 messages on average >per day. No one knows how to stop it, as mail bombing seems >not to affect it. Ryoko "NERV officials are planing to send in a team of Evas to deal with it" >"That's it for this week. Next week, Music, Movies, Hentai >and the legal age of looking at porn are attacked. Duo " ATTACK!" >Adios everyone, I will be back, and remember, if you bitch long >enough, you'll be heard. Ash "... and beaten" >Goodnight" All "Finaly!" *Ryoko, Ash, and Duo stand up and are shocked. The loud speaker blares on* Stewie "Sit down you fools! Your not done yet!" Duo "god damned kid..." >*fade out, roll credits* Ash "Hey, Ive got an idea. Maybe if were really quiet, we can just sit here and ride out the rest of this thing" Duo "Worth a shot at any rate" Ryoko " I don't like this, but its better then being shocked again" >*message* >If you would like to sound off on the show, please contact >me, as more opinions would help. And if you would like a >perminate role as a camera man/woman/demon, tell me. Regs >only please, and as a side note, you would be there for >comic relief, and would not play a large role. thank you. >*disclaimer* >The views shown in this broadcast are that of me, and a >couple other people who I think are cool or stupid, not >those of the general consensus of AGNPH or its affiliates. >The language in this is for people who can handle it, and >speaks of content not for those that don't want to read The lights go on and we reverse out of the movie doors, back into the main lobby of the deathstar. Duo and Ash run straight over to the Dude, who is idly drinking a white russian. Duo "What do we have left?" Dude "Uh" *checks bottles* "about 2 ounces of everything" Ryoko flys over to the group Ryoko "I say we mix everything together and split it" Ash "Sounds like a plan to me" The monitor with stewie flashes to life Stewie "So, have I broken your spirits yet? Are you ready to snap and go insane?" Duo "No, but were just about out of spirits" Stewie "speaking of that, pay attention, I have something important to say" All ignore him, too involved in the presice mixing of the last of thier alcohol. Stewie "I said Pay attention damn you!" Stewie plays with one of Washuus consoles and zaps everybody, also causing the booze to ignite. Ryoko grabs it and blows it out, then chugs it down. Duo "Why you greedy bitch!" Ash "That was the last of our booze you moron!" Dude "Did it at least taste good?" Ryoko finishes swallowing, hovers in the air for a second, and then falls down on the floor, green in the face. Ryoko "Flaming Moe my ass..." Stewie "Listen up! Leafing through my Uncles records, I have found the company that he used to supply his MST crew with food and the such. Im going to be merciful and feed you, only because I don't feel like going out and getting new labrats" Duo "Dont you mean new people?" Stewie "you heard me" Ash "Besides that, how in the hell is a todler like you supposed to pay for all those supplys?" Stewie "Im Syndicating this show, thats how. That and stamps". an alarm goes off Ash "What the hell is that? Alien attackers? Were dead!" Duo "Nope, proximity alarm. Supplys are here" Ash "oh..." The monitor turns off and stewies voice echos as the speakers shut down Stewie "You may have kept your sanity this time, but Victory will be mine!" Angle of Camera Pulls away from the Deathstar as we see the heros ship from Spaceballs delivering supplies and can hear stewies laugh fading off into the distance