This lemon was actually used in an alternate version of episode 10, but was never finished. I'm somewhat amazed I left it alone for so long. Back when I first tried to make fun of this lemon, I didn't really have the gumption (it's a word!) to get it done, so I switched lemons mid-MST just for sport. Anyway, here it is, now finished and like a fine wine, much better with age. I hope. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- My Quick Disclaimer: This lemon was written by Adrian Tymes. It's not being used with permission. Too bad. Complete disclaimer info is at my site, if you're at all curious. http://www.terisan.com (note: the site info is/was for the folks at fanfiction.net, but since they don't allow MSTs anymore, I'm including it just in case I post my stuff to other fanfiction sites.) Now included with the copyright info is a link to a respective character shrine if you're not familiar with the origins and history of the crew of the SoL. Warning: may contain spoilers, so view at your own discretion. Let me know if the links are bad, and I'll replace them. Mystery Science Theater is owned by Best Brains. That's all I have. Minako, Sailor Venus, Zoicite, Artemis, and Sailor Moon are owned by Toei Animation. The respective characters and copyrights belong to them. Zoicite - http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Pagoda/3540/open.html Artemis - http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Island/6212/ Felicia and Darkstalkers are owned by Capcom, copyrights, same deal. http://www.stuart.iit.edu/students/adamadr/images/darkstal/felicia.html Lina Inverse is copyrighted by Hajime Kanzaka, Rui Araizumi, Kadokawa Shoten, TV Tokyo, and SOFTX. http://www.inverse.org/e/ Ranma was created by Rumiko Takahashi and whatever company is behind her. http://www.fortunecity.com/roswell/skulls/65/ranma.html Narusegawa Naru is copyright (©) Ken Akamatsu, Kodansha, Love Hina (©) Onsen Kumiai, and TV Tokyo. http://www.narusegawa.net/ The Poetry Man is owned by me and my company, Ink Blot Inc. Dr. Longshlong and Miss Titsalot are also owned by me and above-mentioned company. Just to give them a little added personality, Dr. L will be played by Jon Lovitz, and Miss T will be played by Catherine Zeta-Jones (just for fun). Much thanks to Greg Hawkins for the copyright info for Tenchi Muyo, and for being such a good sport. A million thanks to Bryant (a.k.a. UltraZor8) for the theme song! Thanks to Ben Nunez for doing the fanart of the SoL crew. Thanks to every MiSTer out there for giving bad lemons the riffing they so richly deserve. *** In the not too distant future, Somewhere in outer space, Anime's favorite players, Are caught in a dire place. An evil doc and his busty brunette, stumbled across a tiny torture set, they found the crew and the Satellite of Love, now they're gonna rule the world from high on up above! All: Let us go, you Bastard!! I'll send them cheesy lemons, The worst I can find! (La-la-la) They'll have to sit and read them all, As I monitor their minds! (La-la-la) Now keep in mind they can't control, When the lemons begin or end, (La-la-la) But they'll try to keep their sanity, (off-stage chorus: Hopefully!) With some help from their anime friends! Anime Roll Call! Naru! (Must study!) Zoicite! (Cursed censors!!) Ranma! (Water bad!) Artemis! (She's Not A Virgin!!) Felicia! (Meeroww!!) Lina! (Dragon Slave!) Dr. Applby! (Booooooobs!!!!!) If you wonder how they eat and breath, and other science facts, (La-la-la) Just repeat to yourself it's just a show, So Shut the Fu__ UP! and Relax For Mystery Science Theater, 3000!!! {twang} MST vers. 2.000000007: Medical Emergency Last time, Artemis desperately called for a medic, but ol' Longshlong wouldn't hear of it. Meanwhile, the Soap Opera Basement was beset by a mad bomber, who turned out to be none other than the Poetry Man in a mad scheme for revenge! In the end he was foiled by...Artemis, actually. And, since the SoL's health insurance only covers being fallen upon by a mad bomber, Artemis finally got the attention he needs! Who's the best medical technician you know? I'll give you a hint: you're wrong. *** The Scene: The living room of the SoL Artemis: I need a heal! Lina: Shut up, we heard you. Naru: Who do you think the doctor's going to send? Zoicite: It better be a guy. Felicia: You said it! Ranma: Who cares? As long as we get some medical supplies. I've still got some injuries from sparring. Felicia: Not my fault. You didn't specify no claws. Ranma: We weren't even sparring! You ran in and sneak-attacked me! Felicia: Oh yeah, right...C'MERE, YOU! Ranma: EEK! (runs!) Zoicite: There they go again... (suddenly...) Eerie Voice: Kain... Naru: Did anyone else hear that? Felicia: Yeah...it sounds familiar... Eerie Voice: KAIN... Artemis: Wait a minute... Felicia: You don't think... *ZAP!* *POOF!* *WIFFLE!* Raziel: KAIN!!! All: EEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! Artemis: What's he doing here? Felicia: I thought he vanished! *other communicator beeps* Shadow: I can explain that! Zoicite: How convenient... Shadow: When Raziel was banished to the Spectral Realm by bad poetry, he remained on the SoL because...umm... Reef: Because you forgot about him and never sent him back home! Shadow: Err...right. Well, Raziel can return to the real world through a portal, but I guess it took him a while to find the one on the SoL... Raziel: Where is Kain?!?! Shadow: Uh...through the big glowing doorway! (Said doorway suddenly appears, and Raziel leaps through it) Ranma: Where'd he go? Shadow: A place where he won't cause a plothole to open up and swallow the universe. Lina: Speaking of which, what was that large, lizard-like creature that flew past us a little while ago? Shadow: Oh, nothing... *regular communicator beeps* Dr. L: Hello, happy campers! Naru: We're not happy. Ranma: And the last time we tried to build a fire, the sprinkler system went off. Dr. L: With hilarious consequences, I hear. Ranma: I don't want to talk about it... Artemis: Where's our doctor? Dr. L: Yes, yes, the medical assistance. Bunch of whiners... Miss Titsalot! Miss T: Okay, here's how it works: the satellite's systems won't let us send in the doctor unless we exchange him for one of you. Lina: Why? Miss T: Don't ask me, I didn't build it. Felicia: You mean...we can go home? Miss T: No, just held in a cramped cage and poked at with sticks for a while. Zoicite: Come on, no one would accept terms like that! (suddenly...) Announcer: It's the Poetry Man! Poetry Man: What's going on, bitches? All: Hehehe... Poetry Man: What? All: GET HIM! *Scuffle!* *Tussle!* *Biff, bam, boom!* Poetry Man: Hey, put me down, assholes! Zoicite: We're ready to trade! Dr. L: Couldn't you have picked someone else? Lina: They were your terms, doc. Dr. L: Fine, fine...Miss Titsalot, begin the dimensional transfer process! *woop, woop, FLASH* All: HOORAY!!! Dr. Applby: Ah, a celebration! Should I pass out the plastic tit hats? *silence* Felicia: What...are you wearing? Dr. Applby: My new invention, the Enhancement Bra! I thought I'd take it out for a test run! Naru: It's disgusting! Lina: Er...can I borrow that? Dr. Applby: Certainly, young man! *more silence* Lina: FIREBALL!!! *FWOOSH!* Dr. Applby: Hah, my fireproof clothes are a success! Zoicite: Now that's planning ahead! Dr. Applby: Comes from working with firebreathers most days. Now, where's the corpse? Artemis: I'm not dead yet! Dr. Applby: Ah, but there's still daylight yet, so you never know. *deadpan* Dr. L: Look, just stitch him up, will you? I have experiments to run, minds to shatter, worlds to conquer, sandwiches to eat! Dr. Applby: Not a problem! (whips out a picture) Watch the tits! *cue general anime facefault all around* Artemis: HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO HELP ME?!?! Dr. Applby: Aren't you the cat with the erectile disfunction? Artemis: If I weren't wounded, I'd disfunction YOUR erectile! Naru: Hey, we get enough crappy double entendres from the lemons! Dr. L: Speaking of which, your next lemon is just about ready! Dr. Applby: Hey, I need time to patch up the patient. Dr. L: So bring him with you. I'm paying you by the hour, so you better fix him quick! Dr. Applby: Yeah, yeah... *Lemon Sign blares* Felicia: We've got Lemon Sign! Zoicite: And into the theater we go! *entre* *dog bone* *6, movie of various political figures being skewered for fun* *5, video loop of the Ikaruga Appreciate DVD* *4, Haruko from FLCL running around wearing nothing but a pair of goggles* *3, Link from Soul Calibur 2 kicking ass* *2, picture of Indianapolis Charmander with an erection* *1, a big wheel of muenster cheese* >Learning to Love Dr. Applby: Otherwise known as Kamasutra 101. Felicia: (student) Teacher, teacher, can you demonstrate the position on page 76? Zoicite: Ah, good ol' page 76... Artemis: This is going to be a long lemon... > >Written by Adrian Tymes > >[Legal disclaimer: > >This story is based on characters created by Naoko Takeuchi. Artemis & Zoi: All Hail!! Felicia: *sweatdrop* >Permission >is granted to freely distribute this story, so long as: >a: no recompense of financial value is received or given by the person >who distributes the story Zoicite: Who would pay for something like this? Felicia: Someone might pay to have it exorcised. >and b: the distributed copy is identical to the story as originally >authored. In other words, don't sell it, and don't alter it. Zoicite: Are we altering it? Dr. Applby: I'm a doctor, not a lawyer. Artemis: Are you sure you're a doctor? >Copyright (c) 1998, all rights reserved, et cetera.] > >****** > >Twin melodies sung out from the music room, Felicia: (singing) War! Huu! What is it good for... Zoicite: (singing) If I had a hammer... Dr. Applby: (singing) Livin' la vida loca... Fel & Zoi: O_o Dr. Applby: ...what? >playfully counterpointing >each other in perfect harmony. Artemis: Seems a little excessive for 'Turkey in the Straw.' >It was difficult Dr. Applby: A-sharp, B-flat, what's so hard about that? >to tell whether the >players were reacting to each others' leads, Felicia: (Michiru) You go that way, I'll go this way! >or just following some >ancient score that only seemed to hint of spontaneous tease and desire. Felicia: (Haruka) Are you going to keep playing that violin, or are we going to fuck? Artemis: (Michiru) Oh, you tease! >One moment, the violin would lay Dr. Applby: The violinist. >a series of notes that the pianist had >no choice but to follow; Felicia: Because she was a consumer whore. >the next, the piano would offer tones Zoicite: (violin) You call those tones? I've seen better tones on a cell phone! >that forced the violinist to shift Artemis: Into high gear! Felicia: Xtreeeeme classical music! >octaves as fast as her fingers could move. >Despite this give and take, there was not a hint of competition in the >air, but rather Zoicite: Barely restrained murderous intent. >the light banter of friends and lovers. Dr. Applby: In my experience, such things often lead to friends becoming lovers. >Slowly, hesitantly, a third instrument added itself. A voice, speaking >in no language but that of pure music, trying to keep up with the piano >and the violin but constantly falling a note or two behind. Dr. Applby: Have they been checked for steroids? >The other >melodies compensated briefly, then faded away to let the voice sing >alone for some time before its owner realized she had been abandoned. Artemis: A tragic tale of a voice left out in the cold. >Rei opened her eyes, and blushed crimson under Haruka's and Michiru's >amused stared. "Sorry. I just...it sounded so beautiful, and I wanted >to join in..." Zoicite: (Haruka) Well, you can't! Felicia: (Michiru) No Rei's allowed! Dr. Applby: (Rei) What about Rei Watanabe? You let her in! Zoicite: (Haruka) We said no Rei's allowed. We can have one. >Haruka chuckled. "What were you singing to, once we weren't playing? >We've never played that for anyone but each other." > >"I...well, I...are you sure you've never played it? Near the end, I >could almost swear I'd heard that tune before." Felicia: (Haruka) Sure, it's the theme song for 'Sam and Max'. >"Not from us. I've only heard it in my heart, and from my heart." >Michiru set her instrument down, and looped one arm around Haruka. >"Maybe your heart carries the same song?" > >Rei's lips smiled, but her eyes failed to follow suit. > >"But that is not why you are here. Tell me, what brings you to our home >this morning?" > >"I...err, that is..." Dr. Applby: (Rei) I'm pregnant. And it's yours. >Rei glanced at her toes. "Usagineedshelp." Felicia: Myspacebarisbroken. >Michiru slid her arm off of Haruka, letting her partner stand up. "Is >Princess Serenity in danger?" > >Rei snapped Zoicite: (Rei) Must...kill...Mamoru... >out of her trance. Zoicite: (Rei) Oh god, what have I done?! >"What? Oh, no, nothing like that." > >Both outer senshi relaxed. "Then, what is the problem?" > >"Well...she..." Rei took a deep breath and closed her eyes. >"Yesterday, Usagi came to me and asked me to teach her how to make love. Artemis: Only in a lemon... Felicia: Somewhere, the Poetry Man's head is exploding. (Somewhere...) Poetry Man: I sense a disturbance in the Lesbian Force... >I told her I was busy, Zoicite: (Usagi) Rei, can you help lick me into realms of untold ecstasy? Felicia: (Rei) Sorry, I'm busy. >but in truth, I didn't know myself. Dr. Applby: When one woman loves another woman and wants to lick her clit very much... >I told her >to come back tonight, and I was hoping you could teach me before then." Zoicite: (Michiru) Okay, strip naked, bend over, and don't be surprised when I shove my violin up your ass. >Michiru raised an eyebrow. "I see. Why us, and not any of the others? >You know Ami, Minako, and Makoto better than you know us." Artemis: And I know they're not sex-crazed lesbians! Felicia: Are you sure? Artemis: Yes! Well, pretty sure. Rei's not, at least. I think. >"Yes, but Usagi thought they could only teach her how to have sex...that >they'd miss the spiritual aspect that makes sex different than love. Dr. Applby: There's no difference in today's fast-paced, modern world. Love just happens, like rain, or celery. >That's why she came to me...and, frankly, I agree with her. Setsuna's >not easy to find, and Hotaru is...well...young." Zoicite: Since when has that ever stopped lemon writers? Artemis: Shut up, don't tempt fate! >Haruka chuckled. "Hotaru isn't as young as you might think." Dr. Applby: (Hotaru) I'm actually fifty! >"Even so," Michiru continued, "we will help you." > >Rei's eyes snapped open. "You will?" > >"Yes. We will show you what it is like to be made love to, that you may >pass this knowledge on to Usagi." Felicia: (Michiru) Lick the clitoris. A lot. That is your first lesson. >Rei's eyes opened further, but her heart caught in her throat, Zoicite: And she choked to death on it. >making speech impossible. She stood, like a deer caught in headlights, Dr. Applby: Them's some big headlights. >while Haruka and Michiru approached. > >"Don't be afraid, dear Rei," Felicia: (Michiru) WE'RE HAVING VEAL TONIGHT!!! >Michiru whispered in her ear before licking >it. "If you fear, you will not learn." Artemis: (Rei) I fear I will not learn. Zoicite: Ohh, deep. >Despite the advice, Rei's mind locked itself Dr. Applby: In a tiny room with no windows and padded walls. >in a state of shock as >Haruka slowly but surely unbuttoned Rei's blouse and eased it off of >her, sensuously caressing Rei's arms as she guided the garment off. >Michiru stroked Rei's hair and massaged Rei's shoulders while Haruka >removed the rest of Rei's clothing. > >She came out Felicia: I think we're past that at this point. Artemis: Damn it, they're not gay! Zoicite: Thousands of slash fics disagree. Artemis: If you go by some of those, you're really a woman. Zoicite: ...shut up. >of it with a gasp when Haruka nibbled her right breast. As >she became aware of herself again, Felicia: (Rei) Ten fingers, ten toes, one clitoris and two lesbians. Okay, let's do it! >she felt her tension drain away into >Michiru's persistent rubs and kisses all over her upper body. She >instinctively tried to stiffen again when Haruka's mouth descended >towards her nether regions, but Michiru would not allow it. Felicia: (Michiru) I will not allow it! Dr. Applby: (Haruka) I wanna, I wanna, I wanna! >Haruka >paused at her belly button, Dr. Applby: Then dropped an olive inside and made it pop out! >then slid down until Haruka's jaw brushed >her clitoris. After kissing just above that spot as if afraid to go >lower without tactile proof of the feature's existence, Artemis: The clitoris is a feature? Felicia: Sure, it's like air conditioning, or power boobs. >Haruka licked, >then nibbled, then sucked Zoicite: Then tucked, then squeaked, then exploded! >on the protrusion before sliding down even further. > >And then she was in. > >Rei had never had anything, even her own fingers, inside her vagina >before. Haruka's rough tongue sent jolts of pleasure wherever it >wagged, finally overcoming her reluctance- > >"Papa? Mama? What are you doing to Rei?" Artemis: Nothing a child like her should be involved in. Felicia: You know she's gonna join them, right? Artemis: Yeah... >Three pairs of eyes turned towards Hotaru, who returned their surprise >with neutral curiosity. Zoicite: How about chaotic curiousity? Dr. Applby: I'm a tenth-level lawful evil doctor! >Rei spoke first. "It's not what it looks like..." Felicia: Oh, come on, it's ALWAYS what it looks like! >"Actually, it is." Michiru smiled. "We were meaning to tell you about >this soon, and now is a perfect opportunity." Dr. Applby: (Michiri) Hotaru, we're all lesbians, and by seeing this, we've mentally scarred you for life, costing you thousands in psychology bills. >"You mean, Rei's going to be my mama too?" Felicia: Pfft, gay marriage has nothing on polygomy! >Michiru blinked. "No...why do you say that?" > >"I've only seen papa do that to you, mama. I thought papa was trying to >make Rei another mama. Artemis: Terrific, a lesson in biology for the insane. >Didn't papa do that to Setsuna to make her a mama?" Dr. Applby: Someone needs to explain a few things to this kid. Zoicite: Hotaru, your moms are lesbians and you're adopted. >Haruka flushed. "No, no. What we were doing was showing Rei what two >adults do when they want to please each other." > >Rei was stiff again. Zoicite: (Rei) Damn this erection! >"You've...seen them?" Dr. Applby: (Hotaru) Yes, they come into the cornfields at night with their ships, and...oh, you mean the two lesbians. >"Oh, yeah. Mama and papa do that every-" Artemis: NO, NO, NO!!! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!! Dr. Applby: This is excellent research material! Keep talking, kid! Artemis: Pervert... >"That's enough, Hotaru." Michiru, while not showing as many symptoms as >Rei, was just as surprised. "Listen, we've been trying to teach Rei, so >she can pass on the knowledge. Would you like to help Rei practice?" Dr. Applby: Yes! Say yes! >"Sure." Dr. Applby: Drinks are on me! Felicia: Isn't this illegal? Zoicite: Well, if none of them are over 18...call it a gray area. >Hotaru advanced on Rei, taking her hand and guiding her to the >floor. After turning Rei face up and climbing on top of the still- >stunned senshi, Hotaru plunged face first Zoicite: And died on some sharp, pointy rocks. >into the same crevice Haruka >had explored only minutes earlier. Felicia: Unfortunately, Haruka had already planted her flag and claimed ownership. >The new attack felt identical to Haruka's, Zoicite: (Hotaru) WORLD SHAKING!!! >although more exaggerated and >enthusiastic. Rei quickly regained her mind Artemis: Got dressed, left and rededicated herself to fighting evil! Zoicite: You wish. Artemis: I really do... >under Hotaru's >ministrations, and saw her new partner's rear end wiggling over her >breasts as Hotaru put her entire body into her labors. > >*Practice? Ok...* Zoicite: Practice statutory rape? Hey, whatever turns you on... >Suddenly, Rei grabbed Hotaru and pulled the smaller one up her body. >Before Hotaru could protest, Dr. Applby: (Hotaru) No nukes! Save the whales! Free Charlie Tuna! >Rei flipped up Hotaru's skirt, pushed aside >Hotaru's panties with her fingers, and started her own assault on >Hotaru's crotch. Felicia: I see she's lost her apprehension about having sex with a preteen. >Hotaru gasped in pleasure, and squeezed her legs around Rei's neck. Zoicite: A quick twist, a snap, and it was all over. >Again putting her entire body into the act, she tried to pump Rei's >tongue, as if it were the sex organ of the opposite gender. Artemis: Agh...bad mental image... >Rei lost track of time, only noticing when Hotaru finally reached up >with her hands and started using her fingers to pleasure Rei where her >mouth could no longer reach. All too soon, though, Haruka and Michiru >pulled Hotaru off. Dr. Applby: (Haruka) We told you to kill her, not fuck her! >"Hotaru, just how long have you been watching us? You've done >everything we did a year ago." Dr. Applby: That kid's got a good memory. >"Well...you never said I couldn't watch..." Zoicite: (Haruka) What about the sign on the door? Felicia: (Hotaru) Er...I can't read? >"The door was closed." Felicia: (Hotaru) I have X-ray vision. >"The keyhole wasn't. And the door was not always closed." Zoicite: (Haruka) Yes it was, you little lying slut! Twenty lashes for you! >Rei lay perfectly still, aware of her own body like she had never been >before, Artemis: (Rei) I can hear my pancreas! >as the family's discussion faded into the distance as they >walked away. > >"Rei?" Felicia: (Rei) ...is that you, God? >She gulped. Her senses had been too self-oriented just then; she had >not even heard the newcomer approach. "Ami?" Felicia: (Ami) Jesus? >"What do you mean, I don't know the difference between sex and love? Of >course I know the difference." Dr. Applby: Love is long talks and walks on the beach, and sex is uNF! uNF! uNF! Artemis: Do you have to do the hip thrusts? Dr. Applby: I'm a doctor, that's standard medical practice. >"What are you doing here?" Artemis: (Ami) I was just trying out my Deux Ex Machina machine. >"I was tutoring Hotaru when you walked in. Zoicite: (Ami) No, that's your elbow. The clitoris is HERE. >We could not help but hear >your discussion. When we saw what was happening, I stayed out of >sight." > >"You watched us?" Dr. Applby: (Ami) Well, I had my hands over my eyes. >"I was curious. Felicia: (Ami) I've never seen a lesbian pedophiliac priestess before. >You've never had sex, have you?" Dr. Applby: (Rei) You mean last night didn't count? You told me you loved me! >Rei blinked. "Why do you ask?" Felicia: (Ami) You were trying to hump Michiru's ear. Zoicite: (Rei) Maybe some people like it that way! >"It didn't look like it. Look, I don't know what you meant by my not >knowing how to make love, but I do know that sex is part of it. If you >want to teach Usagi, you'll have to know some techniques." > >"Look, Ami, I-YI!" Artemis: Sneak attack! >Fireworks of pleasure went off in response to Ami's quick movements. >The senshi of ice touched many specific points in rapid succession, >leaving Rei with no choice but to let it happen. Zoicite: Come on, kick her in the gut! >"And don't forget here, and here, and...you really are a virgin. Dr. Applby: Not anymore she ain't. Felicia: Oh, my virgin inhibitions! >I'll have to get rid of your hymen, hold on..." Felicia: (Ami) With my hymen extracting machine! Zoicite: (Ami) It's really just a pair of tongs. >"What do you AYP!" Pain abruptly mixed with her other sensations. Part >of Rei's mind tried to track Ami's gestures, recording every single >nerve she touched, but it was too much, too fast. > >"...and there, and there. Now, that's just for starters, but it will do >for now. Remember them for Usagi, ok? Artemis: (Rei) Remember what? >I'd better rescue Hotaru from the inquisition now." Artemis: Nooooobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Felicia: Our chief weapon is surprise! Surprise and fear! Zoicite: Our chief weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency! Dr. Applby: Stop that before it goes too far. >Although her eyes never looked in Ami's >direction, Rei did hear her leave. Felicia: (Ami) I'm leaving now! Going out the door! Walking down the hall! >Minutes later, Rei caught her breath enough to sit up. Still in a >mental fog and halfway to orgasm, Dr. Applby: And all the way to Margarita-ville! >she absently noted a small puddle of >her own juices and blood that had collected on the floor near her >vagina. She only stood up when a hand came out of nowhere to help her >up. Zoicite: (Rei) Thank you, Thing. >"Hello, Rei." Artemis: (Rei) Hello, disembodied voice. >"Setsuna? I know you're not supposed to abuse your powers over time, >but I think these two questions are very important to the time stream. Felicia: (Rei) Who will win the 2004 World Series? Zoicite: (Setsuna) The Boston Red Sox. Felicia: (Rei) You're shitting me! No way! I'm not even asking you the second question, you liar! >One: is anybody else watching that I don't know about?" > >"No. We are alone, for the moment." Felicia: Except for the studio audience. >"Two: What happened to the shy and reserved Ami I knew?" Zoicite: I always knew she was a slut just waiting to happen. Artemis: She is not, damn it! >"She is reserved about expressing her emotions. Mechanical help is >different in her mind. Has she ever been shy in helping you with math >homework?" > >"Making love is not math." > >"Would you honestly call what she just did 'making love'?" Artemis: I don't call it math homework! >"Point taken." > >"One day, under your guidance, Ami will discover the true power of love, Dr. Applby: (Setsuna) And bake the world's greatest apple fritter! >instead of constantly hiding from it. When that happens, she will >become a warrior without equal...for a while. Zoicite: Then she'll have an accident, get knocked up, have fifteen kids and after that the sailor uniform won't fit. Felicia: Either that or another, more powerful enemy will arrive from the Negaverse, prompting a new transformation sequence and new special power. Zoicite: Come on, that'll never happen. >But that is a story for >another time. Tonight will be a very important night for Usagi, and >despite what you think, Minako and Makoto can help you prepare for it." Zoicite: Anyone else foresee the impending gangbang? Dr. Applby: I sure hope so. >Rei thought she asked "How?", but never heard her own voice as she was >sucked through Pluto's time gate. > >****** > >She instantly recognized Makoto's apartment on landing, and from the >clock on the wall, realized that Pluto had sent her forward six hours. >She also noticed that Pluto had forgotten to send Rei's clothes with >her. Zoicite: (Setsuna) Oh, I've always wanted to try on her sailor suit! Red is SO my color! >Rei thought she heard a dog lapping up water in the apartment. Artemis: Oh no...not one of THOSE stories! >Distinctly aware that Makoto kept no pets, she tiptoed towards the >source, wondering if it was Luna or Artemis. Artemis: NOOOOOO!!! >Makoto lay spaced out and half undressed on her bed, Zoicite: Blitzed out of her mind. Dr. Applby: (Makoto) Dude...I can totally taste the purple in this room... >while Minako ground >a dildo into her vagina with exaggerated caution, licking the device and >her flesh every so often, while tracing an intricate pattern on her >upper torso with one hand. Felicia: It was actually a magical rune designed to summon forth Mammon from the pits of Hell upon orgasm. >Neither one seemed aware of Rei's presence, >even though she was in both of their fields of view. Dr. Applby: (Rei) Ooo! Oo! Oo! Mr. Kotter! Mr. Kotter! Ooo! Oo! >As Rei entered the room, she heard occasional whimpers and soft moans >from Makoto's throat. This, above all, Artemis: To thine own self be true. Felicia: Shakespeare has as little place here as the idea that Rei would go this far to teach Usagi what making love is. >went against what little she had >gleaned about sex from accidentally seeing pieces of her grandfather's >videos: Zoicite: Usually the women had penises. >although Makoto seemed to be intensely enjoying Minako's >attentions, Makoto seemed to feel no need to let Minako know. > >Before long, Makoto stiffened, jerked a few times, groaned loudly once, >then went limp. Zoicite: See? Penises. Artemis: Don't even go there... > Her eyes closed during the process, then slowly opened >- then snapped wide open. "REI?!? Wh...How did you get in?" Felicia: (Rei) I broke the door down, smashed through the wall and played a John Philip Sousa march using your frying pans. Should I have knocked? >Rei abruptly became aware of her own presence. "Pluto let me in, and >she didn't use the door." Felicia: (Rei) She climbed through the window, the crazy bitch. >"I...that is..." > >"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone." > >Makoto let out a breath. "Thank you." Dr. Applby: (Makoto) We still have to kill you. >"But I don't think you have to worry about it. The others would never >hold it against you. Anyway, Pluto said you could help me GYA!" She >stumbled and fell forward, landing torso first next to Makoto, when >Minako inserted the dildo into her. Zoicite: Sneak attack! >"Minako!" Zoicite: (Makoto) Quick, tie her up and set the place on fire! >"No, that's okay. This UNH is what I needed..." > >Makoto cocked her head and looked at Rei. Zoicite: (Makoto) You need to be burned alive and eaten for our enjoyment? Felicia: (Rei) Yes. Wait, what? >"Long story. Felicia: (Rei) It begins...with a song! >Tell you more later. Just...don't...stop..." Felicia: (Rei) Don't stop believin', Hold on to the feelin', Streetlight people! >Shrugging at the promise of an explanation, Makoto began tracing the >curves of Rei's body, feeling Rei's goose bumps every time Minako's toy >pushed especially deep into Rei. Dr. Applby: Hey kids, it's Fucky, the spelunking dildo! He's here for your pleasure! >Once again, Rei lost track of time, losing herself instead to pleasure. >She responded unconditionally to her friends, latching on to whatever >part of Minako's body presented itself after Minako and Makoto traded >positions. Felicia: I'm Makoto's pussy, and I'm here with Fucky the spelunking dildo to teach you the wonders of mutual masturbation! >However, no matter how much the others responded to her, something >within Rei snagged, sticking her joy to a certain plateau. Every time >she tried to will herself to greater heights, a reservation near the >heart of her inner fire kept her from ascending. Dr. Applby: Rei's inner fire is a Native American? >Her heart pleaded to be with...who? Felicia: Colonel Mustard! Zoicite: Dr. Claw! Artemis: Captain Planet! Dr. Applby: The Olsen twins! >What little concentration Rei had, went in circles >trying to answer that question. It was driving her crazy, even more so >than her friends' attentions. Artemis: (Rei) Okay, stop with the lesbian sex, it's just not doing it for me. Dr. Applby: Now that makes no sense whatsoever. >"Ahem." All three looked up when Setsuna interrupted their proceedings. >"Much as I hate to interrupt, Rei, you were sent here to learn. Look at >the clock." Zoicite: (Minako) Fuck the clock, how'd you get in here, you bitch?! We need a new lock on the door! >Rei did as requested, and gasped. "It's eleven o' clock! Usagi's been >waiting for me for hours!" Artemis: (Minako) Don't worry, I'm sure she's managed to entertain herself. Zoicite: (Usagi) One plus one is...umm...ohh, math is hard! Artemis: That's a wee bit too accurate for my tastes... >"Do not worry. Remember, time is my servant. Zoicite: Temporal paradoxes for the win! How did you people not destroy the universe yourselves with this time travel stuff? Artemis: I have no idea. >But, what you needed here was an object lesson. How many times have you come?" Artemis: (Rei) We were keeping score? Uh, I mean, fifty times! No, a hundred! A hundred fifty! What's a normal amount? Because I came exactly that many times. >"Huh?" Felicia: (Rei) Math is hard! >Makoto blinked. "I was wondering about that. I thought I would have >felt it if you had, but I haven't felt anything." > >"What's...'come'?" Zoicite: Oh, come on, grade-schoolers know more about sex than this girl! Artemis: Okay, I reeeeeally don't want to think about that in that context. >Setsuna smiled. "Stand up and come here. Now, close your eyes, and >imagine I am Usagi." Zoicite: (Setsuna) Math is hard! Felicia: (Rei) My god! It's like they could be twins! >"Pardon?" Dr. Applby: (Setsuna) No. Throw the switch! >Setsuna pulled Rei off the bed, into a standing position. "Close your >eyes, and think of me as Usagi." Felicia: (Rei) Hmm...blonde, meatballs, can't do math... >Rei lowered her eyelids, switching her vision to her mind's eye. Artemis: (Rei) I can see bleen! >"Rei." Felicia: (Rei) Buddha? >Rei intellectually knew it was Setsuna's voice copying Usagi's, and >doing a good job. But her heart desired more. > >Open lips brushed hers...and Rei found herself kissing back with all the >passion she could muster. Hidden desire welled to the surface, locking >Rei's mind in her own brain, Dr. Applby: Yes, that's right folks, she's locked her mind inside her own brain! She's a regular mental contortionist, folks! >only feeling, hearing, and tasting as her >body responded. Felicia: So sex makes you go blind and mute? Zoicite: I thought that was just mastur-err, never mind. >A finger brushed across her juice-slick vagina, Zoicite: (Setsuna) Hmm, tastes of broccoli... >and Rei's reservation melted into sheer, obedient, orgasmic bliss. > >When it was over, Rei sagged in Setsuna's grip. "What...was...that?" >she panted. Artemis: (Setsuna) Sorry, that was my tazer, I thought you were falling asleep. >"All you needed to know. Get dressed, then I shall send you back to >your temple, early enough that you can think of your answer before Usagi >arrives." Zoicite: Again with the temporal paradoxes. By all rights we shouldn't even be here anymore. >****** > >Rei concentrated on the sacred fire, Artemis: (Rei) Fire hot! .................OWW, fire indeed hot! >desperately seeking enlightenment. >Usagi was due any second, and still her answer had not come. > >Once again, she pondered Setsuna's "lesson". Felicia: (Setsuna) One plus one is two. Zoicite: (Rei) What's two? Artemis: Hey, Rei knows math, okay? >The only one she had ever >loved that way was Mamoru, but he was Usagi's now, not hers. It shamed >her to even think that she might still love him in the same way. Her >mind knew it would be wrong to ask Usagi to share him... Dr. Applby: Why? This group seems to share everything else. >so why did her >heart disagree? If nothing else, Usagi would be jealous, to the point >that it might ruin their friendship. Zoicite: Ruin what? If this doesn't end in lesbianism, I'll be shocked. >On time for once, Usagi quietly slid open the wood and paper door, Felicia: After walking through it. >slipped inside, and shut the door. Out of the corner of her eye, Rei >saw that Usagi was wearing a kimono and socks, and, as revealed when >Usagi began to untie the kimono, nothing underneath. > >"Usagi." Felicia: (Usagi) Allah? >"I'm ready, Rei." Zoicite: (Rei) Come on, I've been having lesbian sex all day, I'm not a machine! >"Don't. PLEASE." > >Usagi blinked. "Rei?" > >"I...this isn't something you should do with just anyone. Not even just >your friends. Zoicite: (Usagi) You're one to talk, I heard you were fucking everyone all day! >Please, Usagi, don't spoil your first time." Felicia: (Usagi) Who says it's my first time? I've been in lemons before. >"But, Rei..." > >"You wanted me to let you know how to make love? You're right, any of >the others can tell you how to have sex. To make love, do it with one >you love. And...just be yourself." Dr. Applby: Is she telling her to put out on the first date or something? >"I will, Rei." > >"Good. Now, go on. Go to the one you love." Felicia: (Usagi) Oh, Mr. Peanut! We'll always be together! >Usagi's kimono dropped to the floor. Felicia: (Usagi) Whoops, forgot to tie the belt. >And Rei knew, for the first time, just how wrong was her assumption that >Usagi would be jealous of her love for Mamoru. And for Usagi. Artemis: Lies and slander, I tell you! *egress* Artemis: Since when are the Senshi all bisexual sluts? Answer me that! Zoicite: Since when am I a girl? Cursed American censors! Felicia: Since when do we keep a thermonuclear device in the living room? Dr. Applby: Hey, they finally delivered it! *stunned silence* Felicia: Does the living room seem...different to anyone else? Zoicite: Where did all the cobwebs, dust and old furniture come from? Artemis: It's like years and years have passed since we went into the theater! Dr. Applby: Oh my god, there's a skeleton sitting on the couch! Felicia: ...Ranma? Zoicite: We'd better call the doctor. *communicator beeps* Dr. L: Hello test subjects! Having fun? Zoicite: Doc, what's going on? Where'd everyone go? What's with all the dust? Felicia: Did we fall through a black hole and go back in time or something? Dr. L: Yes. Wait, no. Miss Titsalot, what happened? Miss T: Sigh...the nuclear weapon, remember? Dr. L: Oh yes! Someone delivered a live thermonuclear weapon into the SoL, so we went into Emergency Plan Alpha. I have no idea what that is, but it caused the others to return to their respective universes and disabled the device. Dr. Applby: You mean my nuke's a dud?! Artemis: What the hell's with the nuclear weapon, anyway? Dr. Applby: Hey, sometimes a man has needs! *silence* Dr. L: O-kay, even I'm not touching that one, and I throw frozen legumes at people. *silence* Zoicite: Riiight... Artemis: But what happened to the living room? What's with all the cobwebs and spiders and that skeleton? Dr. L: Oh, it's getting close to Halloween, and I thought I'd get a jump on the decorations. Felicia: But...the skeleton doesn't smell like plastic... Miss T: Err...yeah, about that, we forgot to feed the Poetry Man. *shock!* Miss T: Gotcha! It's made of rubber. Artemis: Actually, we were hoping you weren't kidding. Miss T: Sorry, he starts reciting poetry if we don't feed him. Poetry Man: Hey, bitches! Where's my chicken and mayo? Miss T: See what I mean? Dr. L: Enough of that, we have business to attend to. Till next time, kiddies! *communicator off* Felicia: Hey, wait! Are we getting new crewmembers or what? Artemis: Ugh, I don't want to think about what might happen if we all had to go in the theater every time... Zoicite: Maybe it won't be so bad. Dr. Applby: Hey, any of you know how to reactivate a nuclear weapon? Zoicite: On the other hand... To be continued! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Been a while, huh? I realize three crewmembers suddenly leaving is a bit of a shock, but as I was 3/4 done with the MST when I stopped, coming back a few years later (good god, it's been a while!) left me thinking. In short, Ranma, Love Hina and Slayers are in the past, and while they may be classics, there's some new blood out there. That's assuming I even manage to finish another one. Consider this a fresh start. Mostly. And just hope I don't take anyone from The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi...