Yes! It's time for a super-special guest-star! Plus another Pokemon lemon, which has one of the funniest lines I've heard in a while. It's got some other good lines, but overall it breaks some very serious Lemon Laws, so I gotta MST it. The Laws should be the new measuring stick by which lemons are flamed. I mean, it's a damn convenient list, ain't it? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- My Quick Disclaimer: This lemon was written by some unknown guy. It's being used without permission, due to a lack of e-mail address, online nick, or anything else. Complete disclaimer info is at my site, if you're at all curious. http://www.geocities.com/shadow_archive/ (note: the site info is/was for the folks at fanfiction.net, but since they don't allow MSTs anymore, I'm including it just in case I post my stuff to other fanfiction sites.) Mystery Science Theater is owned by Best Brains. Anyone want to help me with the rest of the copyright info? Minako, Sailor Venus, Zoicite, Artemis, and Sailor Moon are owned by Toei Animation. The respective characters and copyrights belong to them. Felicia and Darkstalkers are owned by Capcom, copyrights, same deal. Megabyte and Reboot are owned by ATFL, Mainframe Entertainment Inc., BLT Productions Ltd. and Alliance pictures. I'm not really sure about all that, but those are the company names in the end credits of Reboot. Tenchi Masaki and Tenchi Muyo!, Tenchi Universe, and the rest of the Tenchi franchise are owned by Pioneer. Ayla was created by Akira Toriyama. ALL HAIL!!! The Poetry Man is owned by me and my company, Ink Blot Inc. Much thanks to Greg Hawkins for the copyright info for Tenchi Muyo. A million thanks to Bryant (a.k.a. UltraZor8) for the theme song! Thanks to Ben Nunez for doing the fanart of the SoL crew. Thanks to every MiSTer out there for giving bad lemons the riffing they so richly deserve. *** In the not too distant future, Somewhere in outer space, Anime's favorite players, Are caught in a dire place. Trapped by a virus called Megabyte, An evil guy whose game is fright, He put our heroes in his verse, And now he wants to rule the entire universe! All: Let us go, you Bastard!! I'll send them cheesy lemons, The worst I can find! (La-la-la) They'll have to sit and read them all, As I monitor their minds! (La-la-la) Now keep in mind they can't control, When the lemons begin or end, (La-la-la) But they'll try to keep their sanity, (off-stage chorus: Hopefully!) With some help from their anime friends! Anime Roll Call! Zoicite! (Cursed censors!!) Mina! (Don't get me started!) Tenchi! (Why me!) Artemis! (She's Not A Virgin!!) Felicia! (Ahm, Yarn!) Ayla! (Me Sleepy Now!) The Poetry Man! (Sh___t!!!!!) Alex Trebeck! (PowerPuff Girls must Die!!) All: What THE?!! If you wonder how they eat and breath, and other science facts, (La-la-la) Just repeat to yourself it's just a show, So Shut the Fu__ UP! and Relax For Mystery Science Theater, 3000!!! {twang} MST vers. 1.000000016: Cliffhanger Special! Last time, the crew was introduced to Megabyte's Orwellian method of keeping tabs on them, and had Raziel of Soul Reaver fame as a guest! In the past, Zoicite got word of a weird guy asking about the Epoch, and seeing as the Commons village wasn't any fun, he went off with Ayla across the snowfields to find him. Meanwhile, me, Alysa, and Reef finally got into NOA headquarters, and we're about to head into the prototype chamber! Is this what they call a 'climactic moment'? Let's watch, shall we? *** The Scene: The living room Mina: Oof! Felicia: Ack! Poetry Man: Whoa! Tenchi: Yipe! Artemis: HAH!!! *SMASH!!!* TV: Marth Wins! (in case you haven't gotten it yet, they're playing Super Smash Bros. Melee) Mina: Damn! Artemis: Ha-hah! Felicia: Geez... Tenchi: How can you play that well with no opposable thumbs? Artemis: Practice! Mina: You mean being a lazy-ass guardian and playing video games all day... Artemis: Practice is practice, so there! *communicator beeps* Artemis: Noooo, I was winning! Felicia: Quick, run away! *flee!* Mina: Cowards! Megabyte: Where are those two going? Mina: If I knew, I'd go with them. Megabyte: Regardless, I have determined your fate. Mina: Do I get to marry Tenchi? Tenchi: *sweatdrop* Megabyte: Er...yes, yes, whatever. Anyway, I've called to let you subjects know I have acquired a new lemon for you, and it shall be ready for viewing very soon... Poetry Man: Hey, can I read some of my poetry during the intermission? Megabyte: THERE WILL BE NO INTERMISSION!!! You people have taken too many liberties with your bathroom breaks! Mina: Hey, we pee in the theater, and you're cleaning it up, buster. Megabyte: Er...never mind... *ahem* Regardless! You will not try my patience, lab rats! You will read the upcoming lemon, and you will go insane like good little subjects! Poetry Man: Ah, shove it up your ass, blue man. Megabyte: You in particular shall die a horrible death. Poetry Man: You know, Miss Cleo said that too... Megabyte: *metallic sweatdrop* Yes, quite... *leaves* The Scene: The Basement, outside door #2 (Felicia and Artemis are sitting in lawn chairs right outside the door, while inside...) Bill: Cynthia...I love you! I can't live without you! Cynthia: I love you too, Bill! But we can never be together... your mother will never give you your inheritance if we're married. Bill: Forget my mother! She may work at Hooters, but she doesn't own me! Cynthia: But Bill...if we don't get that money...we'll never be able to pay the ransom demand for James! Felicia: Hey, when did James get kidnapped? Bill: What? Felicia: I missed the last episode, what happened? Bill: Be quiet! Felicia: Hey, since when did James become worthy of being kidnapped, anyway? Artemis: I think he saved somebody's life, or something. Bill: QUIET!!! Fel & Artemis: SORRY! Bill: *ahem* We mustn't worry about the money...we'll save James somehow, and then he can testify at the hearing and clear my name! Cynthia: Oh Bill...how can we even trust him to do the right thing? Bill: He'll testify...or we'll expose his secret! Artemis: What, that he's your half-brother? Cynthia: Oh my god, he is?!?! Felicia: You already know that! He was riding you last season! Cynthia: Oh yeah... Bill: *ahem* Anyway...time for a commercial break! Fel & Artemis: O_O The Scene: Back in the living room Mina: I wonder what's on TV... (starts channel surfing) Commercial: Is your cell phone killing you? Guy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Cell Phone: BWAHAHAHAHA!!! *stabby stabby!* Commercial: Well...we can't help you with that. (scene change back down to the basement, inside door #2) Felicia: Hey, isn't that... Poetry Man: Oh, hey guys! Artemis: What the hell are you doing in there?!?! Poetry Man: I finally got a paying job! (suddenly...) Announcer: There's apple butter, cherry butter, strawberry butter, and even "I can't believe it's not" butter. Now, from the makers of KY lube comes... Ass Butter! Felicia: O_O;;;; Artemis: -_-;; Poetry Man: Yes, Ass Butter! Flavored just like an ass in springtime! When you need the flavor of ass, but don't have the time to find one, dip into a tub of Ass Butter! That's Ass Butter, for when you just gotta have the taste of ass! (back to the living room!) Mina: I'll kill him... Tenchi: Uh...are you sure that's a good idea? Mina: Megabyte will never miss him...I'll just hide the body in the back of the theater... Tenchi: Uh...right... ~_~;;;;;;; *communicator beeps* Megabyte: Hello, dear lab rats, I have--where's the rest of you? Mina: You don't want to know. Megabyte: You are my test subjects, and I demand to know where you are at all times! Mina: Two words: Ass Butter. *sweatdrop* Megabyte: Oh, never mind...just get the others up here, I have a special announcement. Mina: Bah... (yelling) Fel, Artemis, shithead, the blue bastard wants you. (and scene change back to the basement!) Felicia: Damn... Artemis: Just when the show was getting good... Poetry Man: Hah! I got another spot to do, so I can't join you. Felicia: Gee, what a shame... Artemis: I'll try to contain my sorrow. (aaaaaaand back to the living room, right after Felicia and Artemis get back from the basement) Megabyte: Where's the weird little man? Wait, never mind, I don't care about him. Tenchi: You're not the only one. Megabyte: Regardless, I've devised a method for manufacturing my special armbands, and I should have them for you within a week. All: WHAT?!?!?! Mina: You can't do that! Felicia: It's wrong! Tenchi: It's inhuman! Artemis: It's an invasion of privacy! Megabyte: And you are my lab rats, so my word is law! Hehehahahahaaa!!! ????: I beg to differ! Megabyte: Haha--what?? (In walks a guy dressed like Colonel Sanders with a briefcase) Mina: Who're you? Greg: Greg D. Hawkins, attorney at large! Tenchi: You mean 'at law'? Greg: At what now? Felicia: At law? You know, that thing you apparently practice? Greg: Oh my god, I practice *law*?!?! No wonder there's so many cramped jails in Arkansas... Mina: You're a prosecutor? I hope? Greg: No, a defense attorney. My card. *hands Mina a business card* Mina: (reading) "Greg Hawkins, lawyerin' a specialty. 2935 Asailem Road, Hope Arkansas." Tenchi: Greg...where have I heard that name before? Artemis: Arkansas...why didn't I see it before? Greg: Anyway, I'm here to protest this gross mistreatment of human rights. Artemis: Uh, I'm not human. Felicia: Neither am I, technically. Tenchi: I'm part Juraian. Mina: And I'm from the moon. Greg: You know, my other clients weren't this picky. Megabyte: EXCUSE ME!!! Greg: Yes? Megabyte: These people are my test subjects, they're not privy to your laws! Greg: (holds up the briefcase) Hey, I didn't bring along my dead grandmother's remains to argue semantics! Artemis: What did you say?!?! (the briefcase pops open, and the only thing inside is a half-eaten apple) *big ol' silence* Megabyte: Riiiiight... Artemis: (to Greg) That's your grandmother? Greg: Yep! Good ol' Grandma Appleseed! Always there for me when I needed a snack! All: Riiiiight... Greg: Anyway, here-- (drops some papers on the communicator console) you've been served! Megabyte: I suppose I might as well go along with this charade before I annihilate you... Greg: That's the spirit! Megabyte: Regardless, I have a new lemon for you lab rats. This...'person' (points to Greg) better not interfere with the lemon. Enjoy. *leaves* Greg: He seems like a nice guy. Tenchi: Oh, yeah, he's a peach. Felicia: I'm gonna go get the Poetry Man before he does another commercial... Greg: The...Poetry Man? He's here? Mina: You know him? Greg: I wish I didn't... Mina: The feeling's mutual. Felicia: Well, I'll get him, you can suffer along with the rest of us. (Felicia goes for the basement, and Greg starts panicking) Greg: Shit, shit, shit...can't let him find me...gotta hide... (sees the theater doors) That's it! (runs in the theater!) Mina: Uh, hey, that's not...eh, fuck it. (the Poetry Man flies out from the basement into the living room and crashes somewhere in the kitchen, then Felicia calmly walks in) Felicia: Found him. Poetry Man: Ow... *Lemon Sign blares* Artemis: Damn, we've got Lemon Sign! Felicia: Bah, I've got nothing better to do till the quote-unquote trial... Poetry Man: Trial? We got a lawyer? *ding* Wait a damn minute, it isn't... HOLY SHIT!!! (runs in the theater after Felicia!) Mina: Hmm...hey Artemis, what's that? (points) Artemis: Wha--whoa! (Mina picks up Artemis and fastballs him right into the theater!) Mina: (to Tenchi) What a surprise...we're all alone! *big grin* Tenchi: So we are... ^_^;;; *entre* *dog bone* *6, a picture of Tracey being eaten by a pack of wolves* *5, video loop of the Death Star Trench Run scene* *4, screenshot of Nabiki and the female Ranma 69ing* *3, Goku going SSJ3* *2, picture of Indianapolis Charmander with an erection* *1, a big wheel of monterey jack cheese* >Ash and Misty's Permanence by ghostcubone > >Send all comments and thoughts please! Felicia: (thinking) I wonder what's gonna happen next on SOB... Greg: (thinking) I wonder if that Clinton guy moved back next door... Poetry Man: (thinking) Jack and Jill went up the hill, and fucked their brains out. The end. Artemis: (thinking) Must get out...must prevent premarital hanky-panky... >And please don't flame me. Well not that much I think. >----------------------- > >Ash blinked. All: *blink* >Then he blinked again. All: *blinkblink* > >'Aaaaahhh what am I doing???' The wild-haired boy tore his eyes away from convenient >peephole Poetry Man: Damn, where's my seat? Greg: (thinking) Be the chair...be the chair...you are furniture...you are invisible... Poetry Man: There it is! *sits on Greg* (By the way, this theater is very, very dark.) Greg: (thinking, strained) You...are...the chair...with...the fatass...sitting on you! >that Brock had made last week in the screen that he (Brock) , Misty, and Ash >used to shower on their traveling trips. Artemis: Their screen has a built-in shower? Felicia: Haven't they heard of a tongue bath? Artemis: I'm sure if Ash could bend that way, he wouldn't be after Misty so much. > >But he couldn't resist. Guiltily moving his eyes back to the hole, Greg: (whispering) Brock stuck his dick through it and poked his eye out. >Ash blushed a deep >red. He had never done anything like the before... Artemis: Sticking his eyes through holes...I've never heard of such a thing! >he'd never really thought about it, >either. That was always Brock's area of expertise. Greg: (Brock) *whispering* Yep, I've stuck my eye in many a hole in my day... Poetry Man: (to Fel and Artemis) Hey, is your chair muttering in your ear? Felicia: No. Artemis: Nope. Poetry Man: Must be my imagination, then... >But just yesterday, when he was >rolling up Brock's sleeping bag for him (who had gone to look for more food), Felicia: Doesn't Brock make his own food? Artemis: That's for the pokemon. Felicia: Ahh... >a Playboy >magazine had been neatly hidden underneat his pillow. Artemis: Playboy?? I would've figured him for the Penthouse type. > >Although Ash usually averted his eyes and put the dirty magazine in Brock's backpack, >this time was different. > >The magazine had perfectly fallen to a centerfold Greg: (Ash) *aloud* Oh my god, Mom?!?! Poetry Man: (finally gets up) What the hell?!?! Greg: Oh, shit! Poetry Man: YOU!!! Greg: YOU!!! Poetry Man: ..............YOU!!! Greg: Uh...hey, how ya doing? Poetry Man: You owe me money, you son of a bitch! Greg: Uh.......no I don't. Poetry Man: Yes you do! You represented me for that public disturbance charge, and I had to pay a fifty grand settlement! Greg: Hey, you're the one that entered that poem into evidence. Nobody can defend against that! Poetry Man: You couldn't defend against a blind man waving a stick! Greg: I could so! I did it just last week! Felicia: Oh, just sit down! You two are worse than the lemon. Poetry Man: Grr... Greg: Fine... (they sit down, in separate chairs this time) >of a redhead with her legs displayed >wide open over two pages. Greg: (Ash) Misty?!?! Artemis: Too obvious. >Her privates were completely alien Poetry Man: (Ash) Oh my god, what the hell is that?!?! Artemis: (Brock) It appears to be a horn...with a lawyer on it. Greg: Hey!! >to Ash and he didn't >understand why, but when he glanced at the picture, he imagined his friend/enemy Misty Felicia: Friend/enemy? He fucks her in every lemon! Artemis: He considers Gary a friend/enemy too, y'know... Greg: Ew! >in such a position. Although in the back of his mind he was ranting 'What am I >thinking?? This is Misty, for God's sake!!', his creative side took over and imagined >the fourteen year old redhead in white teddies, or completely naked. Artemis: Bad creative side! Bad! > >Without even realizing it, Ash had sat down on a nearby rock and scoured Artemis: The dishes. Felicia: I wish... >over the >contents, running Felicia: Away, screaming like a little girl. >his trembling thumb over the printed pussies and tits that were >plastered all over the pages. Something hard had formed between his legs Greg: A diamond? Artemis: That'd be something to see. >and he felt >achy and warm. He didn't like it. Felicia: He's become celibate! Quick, alert the presses! >It was... wierd. > >Brock had come back with an armful of food, and was surprised to find Ash with his face >buried in his porno. Greg: (Brock) Hey, get your face out of there! You don't know where it's been! >The horny, slit eyed teenager Artemis: Jughead's long lost Japanese cousin, perhaps? >teased Ash and found pleasure Felicia: (pleasure) Okay, now you hide and I'll find you! >in making the pre-teen turn bright red. > >"It's okay, Ash. Every guy does this. If you want, Greg: (Brock) I'll lend you my bong. The boobs just jump out at you! >I'll share my archive of older issues >with you. There's this really hot babe in last month's. Talk about your giant ti--" Greg: Tissues? Artemis: .......yes, tissues. > >"I don't wanna know! Argh!" Felicia: Meh! Artemis: Bah! Poetry Man: Grr! Greg: Wiigii! All: O_O Greg: What? > >Brock had Poetry Man: A seizure. >chuckled to himself when Ash threw his Poetry Man: Pants off and started beating it right there! Felicia: I'll beat you if you don't quit it... >magazine down and ran off. > >'He's probably out by some tree masturbating his brains out.' Artemis: (Brock) He better not be using my favorite tree! > >Misty's body shimmered in the sun, her pale flesh glistening. She soaped herself up, Artemis: Don't drop the soap. Seriously. >with the very same soap that she and Ash shared, rubbing her hands all over. Felicia: What about the rest of her? >She had >even quickly cleaned herself "down there". Poetry Man: Why bother cleaning? You know she's just gonna get it dirty again. >Then she proceeded to plunge under the water >of the clear pond, and Ash gave himself Greg: A suppository. All: Eww... >a break. All: (singing) Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar! > >He faced his back Artemis: Now that's a neat trick. Felicia: Wow, he's even more flexible than me... >to the screen and groaned. He was feeling Felicia: (singing) That lovin' feeling, ooh-oh that lovin' feeling... Artemis: Oh no...Celine Dion was bad enough, now this... >that hot feeling again. Then >he groaned again, beating Poetry Man: His-- Felicia: You say 'meat', and I'll cut yours. Poetry Man: Hey, he's doing it! >himself for sinking to such perverted levels. But then he >replayed what Brock had said to him yesterday. Greg: (Brock) Have you seen my pants? Felicia: (Ash) Yes, they're lovely. > >"It's okay, Ash. Every guy does this." Artemis: I'd like to say 'every guy in lemons', but I know better. >Was that true? If so... Greg: (Ash) Then everything I've known up till now has been a lie! Felicia: I wonder where Zoicite is now... The Scene: 12,000 B.C., the snowfields Zoicite: Water...water... Lunatic: Food...food... Ayla: Snow fun! (she's making a snow angel, naturally) Zoicite: I hate you. Lunatic: How far is it to that scientist's laboratory? Zoicite: Well, if my calculations are correct, it's right in front of you, ya jackass! Lunatic: (looks up) Oh. Well, good, I knew it was there the whole time. Zoicite: Sure you did. Ayla! Quit playing around and help me look for a way inside. Lunatic: Hey, what about me? Zoicite: Go try to melt some snow, I'm thirsty. Lunatic: Okay! Now where did I put my flamethrower... Zoicite: Riiiight... (walks off and looks for an entrance) Ayla: Ayla no see Epoch. Zoicite: Well, according to that villager, this scientist must be building a new one, or at least researching it. If he's building one, it's probably inside. Ayla: Zoicite need door? Zoicite: Yeah, that'd help. Ayla: Ayla find door! Zoicite: Great, you go do that. Ayla: Door here. Zoicite: (keeps looking) Yes, it's somewhere around here... Ayla: Er...door here. Zoicite: Yes, yes, but where?! Ayla: Door here? *points* Zoicite: Yes, I know it's here, but where-- (looks where she's pointing) Oh. I knew it was there. Really, I did. Lunatic: Suuuure you did... Zoicite: Oh, go melt the damn snow! (Ayla and Zoicite go inside, and find a laboratory filled with various...um... science stuff, along with a partially-built Epoch) Zoicite: There it is! Ayla: Epoch broken. Zoicite: Looks like the guy hasn't finished it yet. Speaking of which, where's the scientist guy? It's not like there's anywhere to go around here. (suddenly...) Announcer: It's the scientist! Zoicite: Holy hell!! Where'd you come from? Doctor: Who are you people? Zoicite: Huh? Are you the scientist? Doctor: I'm a doctor, thank you. I dabble in science as a hobby, and in this case, as a necessary cause. Zoicite: Oh? What's going on? Doctor: I was trapped here, in this godforsaken age, and I have to get back and take my revenge on my archrival! Zoicite: Who's your archrival? Wait, let me guess, he's a weird guy with an obsession for cavegirls? Doctor: What?? No, he's...never mind, you don't need to know. Zoicite: Actually, I'd rather not know. (points to the unfinished time machine) Does that thing actually work? Doctor: Of course it does! I wouldn't make a partially-built time machine and have it not work, you know. Zoicite: Riiight...well, come on, Ayla, we're outta here! Ayla: We take Epoch? Zoicite: Actually I was gonna see how that weirdo was coming along with my water, but that's an even better idea! Come on! (climbs up the ladder to the half-Epoch's cockpit, and Ayla just jumps inside) Show-off... Doctor: What are you doing?!?! Stop that! Get out of there! Zoicite: Sorry, doc, we're going back to the future! Doctor: Do I look like Christopher Lloyd to you?!?!?! Zoicite: Well...a little, yes. Doctor: *sweatdrop* Just get out of the damn machine! Zoicite: No way! Doctor: It's imperative that you get out! It's hazardous, it's dangerous, it's suicidal, and I'm too lazy to get you out myself! Zoicite: Uh...no, I don't think so. Bye now! *flash!* *silence* Doctor: .............are you going or what? Zoicite: Shut up, I never used a time machine before! Ayla: Zoicite want help? Zoicite: Like you can operate a time machine...wait, what am I saying, she *has* operated one before. Okay, go ahead! (switches places with Ayla) Ayla: (grabs the controls) Epoch fly! (the machine starts up, the engines roar, the rocket booster flares up...!!!) (...and nothing happens) Zoicite: (to the doctor) Hey, does this thing fly? Doctor: No, what makes you think that? Zoicite: I'm not sure...but it does travel through time, right? Doctor: Of course it does! What kind of scientist do you think I am? Zoicite: Uh...you're a doctor, aren't you? Ayla: Hmm...oh! Ayla find button! Zoicite: Great, wonderful, I'll file it right underneath the rest of the levers, switches, and knobs. Ayla: Ayla press button? Zoicite: Sure, knock yourself out. (he really needs to pay more attention to Ayla.) *press* *FLASH!* (and suddenly, a raven-haired female lab assistant enters) Girl: Hello doctor, I'm back with the groceries. You really need to fix the "No Trespassing!" sign, there's some wacko outside trying to melt snow with a Zippo. (looks around) Um........where's the time machine? Doctor: Some passerby's stole it. Girl: Again?!?! This is the fifth one! Why didn't you stop them?!?! Doctor: Well...the ladder was so tall, and he was a big guy...with breasts. Girl: ........I'm not going to ask. (and Lunatic enters!) Lunatic: Hey, either of you have some lighter fluid? There's a ferret outside that's giving me shit. Doctor: Wonderful, another assistant! Girl: I sure hope this one can climb ladders... Lunatic: Climb ladders? I can do that! Well...as long as it's a small one. Girl: I don't get paid enough for this shit... The Scene: The SoL living room Mina: Aren't the stars beautiful, Tenchi? Tenchi: Yeah, they sure are. (by the way, Tenchi and Mina are sitting next to each other on the couch looking out of the window in the side of the ship) Mina: You know...with all the lemons and evil viruses and genitalia jokes, I forget sometimes how beautiful it is up here... Tenchi: Yeah...the stars are much brighter out here than down on Earth. And you can even see Mars from here! Mina: What?!?! Where?!?! You stay away from him, Rei, he's all mine! Tenchi: O_O;;;; Uh...what? Mina: Um...never mind. So, if we ever get out of here, do you think we could...you know... Tenchi: Well...I suppose we could...y'know...right now... (they lean in, romantic music plays, rose background, the works, and suddenly!) Megabyte: There will be no romantic couplings on my satellite! Tenchi & Mina: DAH! Megabyte: Separate or I shall destroy you! Mina: What? Why?! Megabyte: I shall not have your disgusting offspring running around like monkeys! Mina: Hey, what kind of girl do you think I am?!?!?! *evil eye* Megabyte: Er...never mind, but you two get the bloody hell away from each other before I get nasty! (Megabyte leaves, after conveniently killing the mood) Mina: Bastard... Tenchi: I guess we can do this some other time. Mina: Really? Tenchi: Yeah, really. Mina: Yay, yay, yay! *runs off, giggling like a schoolgirl* Tenchi: Uh...I'll call you? The Scene: Meanwhile, back in the theater... Artemis: My Virgin Sense is tingling... Felicia: You've been saying that for the last ten minutes, knock it off. >The pre-teen looked down in his lap. 'What the heck is my dick doing?? Greg: The rhumba. >It had, like, a >mind of it's own!' Poetry Man: (Ash's penis) You're damn right I do, and I'm taking over this operation! >A wet spot had formed at the crotch of his jeans, and he felt his face >burning Mina: (Misty) Hey, get your head out of he fire, dumbass! >a bright red. 'Did I just piss in my pants?' Felicia: Yes, you must now sterilize your crotch by fire. >He didn't think so. But just to make >sure, he stood up and went a few trees away to take a leak. > >Misty's clothes were right next to him, Artemis: They followed him there? >but he faced the other direction so he wouldn't >pee on her only outfit. > >Ash had a bit of trouble unzipping his fly. His penis was a lot bigger that it usually >was, Poetry Man: Penis pump, courtesy of Austin Powers. >but he got it open after a couple hard tugs. Taking his young manhood out, he placed >his hands around it and tried to pee. > >It didn't work... but... another type of liquid came out of the tip of his penis. Ash >wiped his thumber over the end and inspected it. It looked like... a sort of white jelly. Felicia: Tastes great on toast! All: *stares at Fel* Felicia: What? >The young boy became slightly alarmed. Did he have some sort of disease? Felicia: That'd be cute if it weren't so stupid. >Maybe it was an >STD... well, he didn't know what an STD *was*, but he knew that it affected your >privates. Artemis: Must...resist! Stupidity...overwhelming! > >Suddenly, Ash felt an urge to rub himself. He placed his right hand over his Greg: Head and his left hand on his stomach and...did stuff! >dick and >closed his fingers around it. He gave a loud groan Greg: Which was later exchanged for a breadmaker. All: (moans and groans) Greg: What? >when he moved his fist up and down. >Some more white stuff came out of his penis. Poetry Man: It's Welch's White Grape jam! All: O_o >He squeezed himself, and slid his hand up >and down again. 'What was this feeling? It's so... nnnnngh'. Artemis: Yes, it's quite nnnnngh. >Ash jerked himself harder >and harder, faster and faster, until a sort of euphoric Felicia: Brick. Artemis: Brick? Felicia: Brick. >feeling washed over him. He came, >shooting a few shots of cum right onto the Felicia: Brick. Artemis: That brick again, huh? Felicia: Yep. >tree in front of him. Feeling super horny and >dazed, he turned the tip of his shooting weapon towards his face Poetry Man: And promptly put a bullet through his eye. >to see the action and >was unpleasantly surprised by the shower of salty white cream that sprayed his lips and >up his nose. All: Ewww! > >"Blecch!!" Ash spat. Then he smiled. Greg: The cum must've gone into his brain. > >'Hey, that wasn't so bad,' he thought. He quickly stuffed Greg: A turkey. Felicia: Turkey?!?! Where?!?!?! >his now soft penis back into >his pants, and swiped Artemis: A credit card. Poetry Man: First he's spanking the monkey, and now he's got a credit card... *sniff* They're growing up so fast these days! >off most of his cum off the bark with his shoe, Artemis: He actually cleaned the cum off the tree? Felicia: Now that's a real tree hugger. Artemis: Ew, I hope not... >although there were >white rivers between the cracks and peels of the tree. He then tried to wipe off the goo >that was on his face, Artemis: With his shoe again? Felicia: Hopefully with a brick. Artemis: Again with the brick? Felicia: Hey, it's rough and grainy! Artemis: I'm worried about you... >but only proceeded to rub it into his skin like a new type of >lotion. Greg: Cüm: gives you soft, lickable skin. New Hôrse flavor available. > >Unaware of how obvious it was that he was just masturbating, Artemis: He forgot to zip up, didn't he? Poetry Man: Typical amateur mistake... >Ash went back to the prized >peephole to get that incomprehensible feeling again. Felicia: It's called puberty. There, you comprehended it. > >Settling himself in front of the hole that now seemed perfectly fitted for his eye, Artemis: You'd think it was too small, seeing as Brock never opens his damn eyes... >Ash >eagerly searched the pond. > >Ah, there she was. Shining like a goddess. This time, Ash felt no embarrassment >whatsoever, and openly stared at Misty's round breasts and dark, pert nipples. His eyes >ransacked her Artemis: And his teeth pillaged a nearby town. >from head to knee (her shins and feet were submerged in the water... but >it wasn't like he was looking at her shins anyway.). Greg: Why not? They're perfectly fine shins! Poetry Man: Dammit, read a Penthouse once in a while... >He gave a short gasp when he looked >at the young teenager's you-know-where. Greg: Kneecaps? Artemis: Yeah. Kneecaps. > >'She shaves! She shaves down there!!' Artemis: How can she shave? She hasn't even hit puberty yet. Poetry Man: And isn't he a total virgin, and shouldn't even know that girls have hair down there at all? Felicia: My, the plotholes are big today... Artemis: Careful, or you'll fall in. >Ash's virgin mind was in awe. Greg: I thought he was in a forest... >He had never thought >about Misty caring for her sexual parts. Felicia: (Misty) I love you, vagina. Poetry Man: (Misty's vagina) I love you too, but for god's sake, keep your hands to yourself! >'I wonder if... I wonder if she touches >herself...' Poetry Man: (Misty's vagina) My god, the stories I could tell... >When the redhead dove underwater again, Felicia: She hit her head on a rock and drowned. >Ash gave his mind another rest Greg: (Ash's mind) I'd rather have a beer. >and turned >around. He looked down, and noticed that his jeans were getting taunt again. All: Nyah nyah! Artemis: (Ash's jeans) Stop picking on me! Waaaaaah! >This time, >he was feeling braver and Greg: Conquered his fear of phallic objects! >felt no need to leave his doorway to happiness. Felicia: At least we can't fault him for lack of euphemisms. Artemis: We can if they're all stupid. >He could make >himself feel good while watching Misty's naked body being touched all over the place. > >He pulled his semi-hard boy All: ... Felicia: Well, we haven't heard that one before. Artemis: And why do you think that is? >out of his pants and stroked the top with his thumb. Feeling >the wonderful, delirious Greg: Toad-licking fun! >sensation again, Ash groaned and leaned backwards... Artemis: And fell on his ass. >And only when the entire screen came crashing down into the pond Felicia: ...Did Ash spring for a new screen. >and thoroughly shocking >the naked Misty did Ash let go of his rod. Poetry Man: Persistent to the very end... Artemis: And knowing Misty, this *will* be the end. > >The two young people were horrified. Greg: (Ash) I can't believe I bought a screen of such shoddy quality! Felicia: (Misty) I told you not to shop at Crazy Abdul's House of Screens! > >"Oh... my... God...," Misty breathed. Greg: (God) Don't look at me, I didn't make the screen. > >The only part that Ash took comfort in was that she wasn't screaming. Then he'd have to >contend with Brock's merciless teasing. Felicia: Not to mention a sexual harrasment suit. > >"Oh... my God... Ash... you sick..." Poetry Man: (Ash) No, I feel fine, but thanks for asking. Felicia: That was just substandard... Artemis: Yeah, well... > >Misty's wide eyes took in Poetry Man: A stray cat. >the scene. Her traveling friend of two years was standing in >front of her. With his hard erection standing up at a 45 degree angle, Felicia: Either she's good at geometry or she bathes with a protractor. >being supported >by his left hand that was cradling his left ball. Poetry Man: So...he's a lefty? >His jeans had wet spots all over them, >and there was some white cream in his hair and on his nose. > >"Mi-- Misty, I know what you're thinking but--" Ash stuttered. Felicia: (Misty) You have no *idea* what I'm thinking! >"You're damn right about what I'm thinking!!" Poetry Man: (Misty) I can't believe I had to blow Crazy Abdul for that screen! >"Look, I'm really, really sorry, just don't hurt me--" Artemis: --He said just before being mallet-ed to within an inch of his life. >"Don't be..." > >"Please, I just broke my arm a few months ago-- Greg: (Ash) You know, when I tried masturbating and slipped? Felicia: ...I don't even want to *think* about that... >wait...," Ash stopped rambling and >scratched his head with his free hand. His left hand was still tightly grasping one of >his testicles. Artemis: What kind of moron is he?! Felicia: The bad kind? Poetry Man: His balls must be turning blue by now. > >"I said, don't be sorry," Misty gave a nervous smile. > >"Whaaat?" > >Okay. Of course, Misty had been appalled at first to find out that Ash had been >masturbating at the sight of her. But then... she didn't know why, but she didn't feel >disgusted and violent. She was feeling... lusty. Greg: Lemon Law 10! Lemon Law 10! Artemis: What the hell are you talking about? Greg: It's a legal thing, you wouldn't understand. Artemis: Riiiiight... > >The redhead took a step towards the super nervous pre-teen. >"Ash, I've never had sex before," Greg: Lemon Law 17, Lemon Law 17!!! Artemis: Oh, stop that. >Misty stated. She was as surprised as the gawking boy >in front of her at her bold statement. > >"Wha--what--," Ash gaped, his left fist gripping even tighter. Felicia: And then...it exploded. The guys: Owwww... > >"Don't do that," Misty summoned her courage and walked in front of Ash, pulling his >hand off his left ball. Felicia: Unfortunately he was gripping it too tight, and he-- The guys: DON'T!!! >"You'll squeeze all the sperm into your other testicle, silly." All: ... Artemis: She's either a virgin, or just ignorant. > >She then playfully pressed each of Ash's globes with her hands while he gasped for air. Felicia: (Ash) Can't...breathe...must...squeeze...testicle... >She thought it amusing how his stick grew even more rigid and stood up a bit higher. > >'This is funny,' Artemis: Not from where we're sitting. >she thought, glancing at Ash's changing expressions from embarrassment, >to passionate, Poetry Man: To homocidal rage. >to eagerness. > >"Ash, I've never done anything like this before. I've never even been kissed before. Poetry Man: That's what happens when you give the blowjob first and forget to swallow. >Do >you want to... do you want to just experiment, as long as we don't do anything >permanent?" Misty suggested. Felicia: You would think losing your virginity would count as 'permanent'. > >All the black-haired boy could do was nod. Greg: I'm outta here, I've gotta go prepare my case. *leaves* Poetry Man: We'll meet again, asshole... Artemis: Wait a sec, how'd he leave? Felicia: Fuck that, how'd he get here? Artemis: He ran in like an idiot, remember? Felicia: No, I mean on the SoL. Artemis: Yeah, that is curious... Felicia: Artemis...I've been thinking...we still haven't explored all the rest of those doors down in the basement. Artemis: Well, that soap opera's just so damn funny... Felicia: We should check out the rest of those doors...they could be a way off this ship! Artemis: Yeah...hey, the doors just opened! Must get out! Must prevent pre-marriage sexual relations! *runs out!* Felicia: He's gotta loosen up... (Artemis, of course, runs out, and Fel and the Poetry Man follow) The Scene: Somewhere in time... Zoicite: Whoo, what a ride! Ayla: Epoch have bad handling... Zoicite: A mechanic, that doctor ain't. Now, where are we? (they both look around, and then...) Ayla: Wow... Zoicite: Holy SHIT!!! The Scene: Inside NOA headquarters, in the Antechamber (Took me long enough to get to this part, huh? :P) Reef: Why does a vault have an antechamber? Shadow: All potentially dramatic rooms have an antechamber, it builds suspense. Reef: Yeah, but it wastes our time. Shadow: Silence! Alysa: Does anyone else realize there's another vault door to get through? Shadow: Aw, shit! Reef: I wanted to bring C4, but noooo, you had to have your GBA! Shadow: You can't play Golden Sun on a pack of C4. Reef: Yes, but you can blow the shit out of vault doors! Alysa: Alright, alright, quit fighting, I've got an idea. (Alysa walks up to the vault door and breathes fire on the hinges till they get red-hot) Shadow: Uh...that's neat and all, but how's it help us? Alysa: I don't know, I just haven't done anything for a while. Shadow: Riiiiight...well, we could use the-- Reef: NO!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! Shadow: But it's the only way! Reef: I refuse! Those things have brought us nothing but trouble! Alysa: Okay, okay, lemme try again. (breathes fire on the door again, and this time it melts, and the molten metal evaporates ala a video game, and a familiar tune plays) Reef: Nice job! Now where have I heard that music before... Shadow: Yeah, it's sorta familiar...oh well, forget about it, let's get in there and get that prototype! (everyone runs in, finding a big white room ala Mission: Impossible, complete with computer terminal, a pedastal with the prototype Gamecube, and a table and chairs. And sitting at that table is none other than...) Reef: What the...? Alysa: Oh my god, it's... Shadow: Shigeru Miyamoto!!! All: WOW!!!!!!!!!! (moment of reverent silence) To Be Continued!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, this is a first. Not the fact that it's a sequel, rather the fact that I'm splitting a lemon into two. There'll be lots more plot-stuff than MST-stuff in the next episode, which is slowly becoming a theme for this series. Hey, what can I say, I have too many plot ideas. And sorry for all the sudden cliffhangers, but hey, that's what prequels do, y'know! ^_^ And no teasers for you, you get no hints as to what's next! Will Fel and Artemis find a way out in the Hall of Doors? Will Greg successfully protest the treatment of the crew without being vaporized? Where did Zoicite end up? What will happen between Mina and Tenchi? Why is Shigeru Miyamoto in the vault with the prototype? Reef: Yeah, why is he in there? Alysa: Shouldn't he be in Japan, or something? Shadow: Well...uh...it's complicated! Reef: It's a big, fat plothole, isn't it? Shadow: Shut up. Well...that stuff and more on the next episode of: Mystery Science Theater 3000! Reef: And were Mina and Tenchi really gonna have sex, or were they just gonna kiss like always in anime? Shadow: Beats me. Personally I was counting on Megabyte's interruption. Alysa: Spoil-sport. Kuragari no Hateshiganai no Sensei, Shadow