Before *anyone* reads this, I have to warn you, the last two of these lemons are sick. And I mean *really* sick! They are definitely not for those with weak stomachs. They're so bad, I've had to cut out a few parts just so you guys will be able to sit through them. This is probably the only place in the world where censorship works. ------------------------------------------------------------ My Quick Disclaimer: These lemons are the property of Krackhead420 and Alien Boy 52. They're damn lucky I'm MSTing them, as well as lucky they haven't been stoned yet. Keep praying, guys... Mystery Science Theater is owned by Best Brains. Minako, Sailor Venus, Zoicite, and Sailor Moon are owned by Toei Animation. The respective characters and copyrights belong to them. Felicia and Darkstalkers are owned by Capcom, copyrights, same deal. Megabyte and Reboot are owned by ATFL, Mainframe Entertainment Inc., BLT Productions Ltd. and Alliance pictures. I'm not really sure about all that, but those are the company names in the end credits of Reboot. Tenchi Masaki and Tenchi Muyo!, Tenchi Universe, and the rest of the Tenchi franchise is owned by Pioneer. Much thanks to Greg Hawkins for the copyright info. Ayla and her respective character are owned by Squaresoft, my personal heros for creating a goddess like her! The Poetry Man is owned by me and my companies, Eternal Dark Corp., Mark IV Inc., and Ink Blot Inc. Why do I have so many companies? I can't decide which one to keep. I seriously need to learn how to write better disclaimers. If anything, it'll help when I'm writing parody movies for a living. MST vers. 1.000000006: Breaking Their Spirits Prologue In the year of our Spooge, 2345, the virus known as Megabyte escaped from the Web into the real world and took over a space station in an attempt to conquer the Earth. Finding the work of the Forrester family, he has followed their attempts to drive a population insane by exposing them to bad lemons. Using the method he discovered to get to the real world, he extracted random test subjects from old anime series and placed them inside the space station in an attempt to drive them, and the rest of the world, insane. Among these subjects are Minako, also known as Sailor Venus. The original (male) Zoicite, though he has the breasts of his female counterpart. The catgirl Felicia, from Darkstalkers, and the Juraian descendent, Tenchi Masaki. The strangest additions are The Poetry Man, still in my employ, and Ayla, chief of the Ioka village, both found in the basement of the SOL in the hall of doors. Let's watch, shall we? *** The Scene: The Kitchen Mina: We're out of lunch meat again. Felicia: Don't look at me. Mina: Yeah, right. Not even you can eat ten pounds of processed turkey in two hours. Felicia: Is that a challenge? Mina: *rolls her eyes* Zoicite: It's that cave girl. She goes through food like Drew Carey at a free buffet. *Ayla enters* Zoicite: Hey, you! You ate all the food! Ayla: Food good. Where the Reptites? They good meal. Mina: There aren't any Reptites here! Ayla: Good. No more fighting. Village safe. *leaves* Felicia: Somebody's gotta break the bad news to her... Zoicite: What, that her village is gone and she's trapped on a spaceship and probably going to be forced to read badly-written sex stories? Felicia: Sounds about right. Zoicite: I ain't explaining shit to her as long as she has that club. Mina: Well, don't look at me. I have to go order more food. The Scene: The Living Room (Tenchi is chatting with me while the Poetry Man is trying to teach poker to Ayla.) Tenchi: So those are parallel worlds? Shadow: Yeah, as far as I know. Tenchi: Which one am I from? Shadow: You're from the Muyo! series. I liked that one best. The others seemed to exaggerate some of the character's personalities. Tenchi: Yeah? Like what? Shadow: Well, in Muyo!, Mihoshi was extremely competent, only a little clumsy and not always professional. She seemed a lot dumber in the other series for some reason. Maybe it was to introduce Kiyone. Tenchi: Who? Shadow: I'll explain later. Oops, Megabyte is calling. Bye! *leaves* *communicator beeps* Megabyte: Where is everyone? Tenchi: Well, Ayla's over there, and Fel is- Megabyte: Never mind. This doesn't concern them. You will be viewing the next lemon alone. Tenchi: What? Alone!? Why? Megabyte: It is none of your concern. You are the lab rat, and I am the scientist. You will do as I say, or there will be grave consequences. Have...fun. *leaves* (Fel, Zoi, and Mina enter) Tenchi: I'm dead... Mina: What's going on? Tenchi: Megabyte wants me to watch the next lemon alone... Felicia: What?! He can't do that! Zoicite: Actually, he very easily can... Tenchi: I can't believe I'm gonna die like this...I would've thought it'd be Washu that'd kill me...or maybe Ryoko... Poetry Man: Why don't you just call the boss? *viewscreen flashes* Shadow: Somebody call me? Poetry Man: Wow, good ears. Shadow: Thank you. What's the problem? Tenchi: Megabyte's sending me into the theater alone. Shadow: Damn, that sucks. All: *deadpan* Tenchi: THOSE LEMONS ARE GONNA FRY MY BRAIN, AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS 'THAT SUCKS'?! Shadow: Please. I've been preparing for this eventuality. Mina: How do you prepare for something like this? Shadow: Actually, I didn't, I just hacked into Megabyte's logs. I've known about this thing for about a week. *facefault* Tenchi: So what're you gonna do? Shadow: I've already enlisted the help of some friends of yours. Tenchi: You don't mean...? Shadow: Yep. (A white portal opens near Tenchi, then Ryoko, Ayeka, Sasami, Mihoshi, Kiyone, and Washu step out.) Girls: Hi, Tenchi! Tenchi: H-hi... Ryoko: Tenchi!! *hugs him* Oh, I missed you so much! Ayeka: Unhand Lord Tenchi, demon! Washu: (looking around) Hm, an interplanetary ship equipped with trans- dimensional transportation system. Where are the specs for this thing? Shadow: I'll give 'em to you later. Washu: Hey, you're cute. You wanna be my guinea pig? Shadow: Er... *sweatdrop* Tenchi: HEY!!! (everyone shuts up) What are they all doing here? Shadow: Oh, right. They're gonna help you. Tenchi: Help me? How? Shadow: If you'd shut up for two seconds, I'd tell you! Now, everyone listen up! This is how it's gonna work! Megabyte has recorded the lifesigns of everyone on the ship, sans Tenchi's harem there. Most likely he'll have active scanners set for their lifesigns, hense why the others are here. I'll be able to mask Megabyte's sensors enough to send two of the girls in along with Tenchi. Washu: Ingenious! Ryoko: How about I just go in with Tenchi and you all just wait out here? Ayeka: I will not let you harass Lord Tenchi in such a dangerous place as this! Ryoko: Oh, get off it, Princess. Shadow: HEY!! I'll be deciding who goes, alright?! Washu, Sasami! Washu: Hm? Sasami: Yes? Shadow: You guys go first, okay? Don't worry, there's a good chance everyone's gonna be needed. *Lemon Sign blares* Tenchi: Damn, we've got Lemon Sign! Sasami: Let's go! Washu: Onward! (Tenchi, Sasami, and Washu leave) Kiyone: Please don't let Mihoshi go in with me... Mihoshi: Why? Who are you? Kiyone: What the...?! Shadow: I extracted everyone from the Muyo! universe except you, Kiyone. Kiyone: What? What universe? Shadow: I'll explain later. *entre* *dog bone* *6, a picture of Tracey in a bonfire with Oompa-Loompas pissing on him* *5, slow-motion replay of the GameCube Metroid FMV* *4, Gatomon and Kari doin' the nasty* *3, Goku and Trunks going SSJ ala Toonami intro* *2, picture of Indianapolis Charmander with an erection* *1, a big wheel of parmesan cheese* > Legal Stuff >I do not own any characters of trademarks of Tenchi Muyo or any part of it. Washu: Ah, another third-grade dropout. So sad. >So don't sue me anybody! Thank you. Tenchi: Fuck you. > Enjoy >Setting: The day after Sakuya All: Who? Sasami: Is she like Godzilla? Tenchi: Am I supposed to be Gamera in this story? >sees Tenchi and Ryoko together Washu: HAH!! I'm already detecting traces of chloroform and hemp. >int he park Sasami: You know, if you say that really fast, you discover the meaning of the universe. >and Ugi sheads a single tear because of this, Sasami: Aw, how sweet... >if you have seen the episode you >will understand. Washu: We haven't, so we won't. >Tenchi stares at the ceiling quietly, Tenchi: Wishing it would all cave in on him. >he looks over at the pictures he and >Ryoko took and sighs thinking about the night he had spent with Ryoko and >how Sakuya had reacted to this. Tenchi mentally kicking himself for not >remembering about Sakuya, Sasami: And for losing the ability to write past a gradeschool level. Washu: The American education system at work. >how much he would love to hold her, and just be >with her. Sasami: That would be sweet if it weren't so stupid. >Tenchi drifts off to sleep thinking of >her...............................................RRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIII­I IIINNNNNNNGGGGGG!!!! >!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sasami: Oh, my muffins are done! >Tenchi jumps at the should Tenchi: Double word misspelling, on a triple-word score is...minus 450 points! >of the phone, he looks over at the clock Sasami: And the clock looked back and screamed bloody murder! >and >wonders who in the fuck is calling him at 4:30 in the morning?!! Washu: It's your high school English teacher, and he's come back for revenge! >He answers >grogily, "uuuuhhhh Hello?" Washu: (solicitor) Hello! Would you like 12 dildos for a penny? Sasami: (Tenchi) I'm straight. Washu: (solicitor) Then how about 100 condoms for a dollar? >"Tenchi this is Sakuya can you come to my house >right now?" Tenchi: Oh, sure, just call me up and ask me over at 4:30 in the morning? How needy do you think I am? >"Uh sure, I'll be there in about 15 minutes?" ................???!!? Sasami: (Tenchi, thinking) ....hell am I doing in this lemon?!?!?! >I wonder what she wants? Tenchi: Something Sasami shouldn't be watching. Sasami: Aw, Tenchi, I've already seen Nobuyuki's magazines. Tenchi: Ergh...I told Dad not to hide his porn mags in the freezer... Washu: A perfectly good waste of my automatic pornography sorter. >Tenchi gets dressed and >heads out to Sakuya's. Its winter, and cold as hell Sasami: Yes, very cold with the molten lava and the burning flames down there. >(I know its not really >winter with my stroy, thanks), Tenchi: So this all takes place in Mt. Fuji? Sasami: I was thinking Hell, but that's close enough. >the whole way over to her house he is still >thinking what she wants, when he finally gets there. She is standing out on >the balcony. Washu: (Sakuya) This is a nice balcony. *falls* Oops! Oh well, no sex tonight. >"Tenchi, come up here pease." Sasami: (baby voice) I dun' wan' my peas! >Tenchi abides and goes up, he gets a full >glimpse of her from behind Tenchi: (Australian guy) Here we see the aroused female, poised to take her own life. We must approach her with caution as we--oh shit, she jumped! Fuck, now I'll have to work in a Foster's commercial. >in her robe, and feels his member stiffin he >tries to hide it hehind his coat. He goes up to Sakuya, "What did you want >with me?" >I want to say that I am going to quit Sasami: Good for you! Smoking is bad for you, you know. Washu: She should try out my new lung enhancement pill. Tenchi: Didn't that one have some side effects? Washu: Just massive flatulence and an urge to hump goats. It's in the development stage. Tenchi: Riiiight..... >chasing you Tenchi and trying to get >you for myself, I see that you already have a love. Washu: (Tenchi) Yes, Chili's boneless buffalo wings command my heart and soul. *everyone starts humming the Chili's buffalo wings theme* >Tenchi feeling like >someone has just stabbed him through the heat. Sasami: Go Miami!! Washu: That was too easy. Tenchi: We'll take what we can get. >From somewhere he got this sudden courage, Tenchi: Then the lion burst in, stole his courage back, and ate Sakuya. >Tenchi grabs Sakuya be the >shoulders and goes into a Sasami: Cave. >deep Sasami: Pit. >long Sasami: Asparagus. >hard Sasami: Banana! Washu: Stop. Sasami: Aw, but I'm bored... >passionate kiss which seems like an >eternity Washu: And they died two minutes later when they ran out of oxygen. >to both of the, their tounges intertwine with each outer Sasami: And then they stopped kissing the Sailor Senshi and killed themselves. >as they >explore each other's mouths. Sasami: (Tenchi) Wow, you have a lot of cavities! >They break from the kiss, Washu: And break their necks. >Sakuya starts to speak, Tenchi: But a herd of buffalos suddenly stampeded through her apartment and carried her off to rape her later. >"OOOOhhhh Tenchi >I........" But is only silenced by Tenchi's finger Tenchi: Man, she's got weak lips. >pressed gently against >her lips. Tenchi: *Really* weak lips. >"Sakuya, I love you, I have longed to tough you Washu: All of a sudden the spelling police arrived and beat the shit out of them. >and hold you, since the >first day we met int he Tenchi: That's the second time I've seen that typo. >middle of the square, and until today I have loved >you, Tenchi: Until today? Sasami: Oh no, he's gonna break her heart! >and have longed for you like something was missing, like, like." Tenchi: Oh my god, it's a Like-Like, it's gonna suck my brain out! *Sasami & Washu stare at him* Tenchi: I've been playing Majora's Mask with Mina lately. >"Like >a part of your soul", Sakuya finished. Tenchi: No, like a brain tumor. >Exactly! Tears fled from Sakuya's >eyes down here cheeks, "Tenchi, I have waited for you to say those words to >me since I met you. Washu: (Sakuya) That, and hello. Sasami: (Sakuya) Yeah, you can't just drop your pants and bend me over and shove your big fat-- Tenchi: SASAMI!!! Washu: What the hell have you been reading?! Sasami: Some letters in this magazine called 'Penthouse'. Tenchi: Washu... Washu: They'll be taken care of. Tenchi: Thank you. >The pair kisses and Tenchi and Sakuya slowly lay down on the floor and >Tenchi slides his hand down and opens Sakuya's robe and cups her small, yet Tenchi: Small. >well formed breasts, Washu: Well-formed is just another word for 'flat chest with nipples'. >tugging and carressing the nipples he sticks one nipple >in his mouth and sucks gently, Sakuya moans in pleasure. Tenchi: Okay, does the word 'grammar' mean *anything* to this moron?! >Tenchi takes due >time to give each nipple proper attention. He then slowly slides his hand >and slides his hand Sasami: Well, what did he do? Did he slide his hand, or did he slide his hand? Washu: I think he slid his hand. Tenchi: That bastard! >underneath her little cotton panties, Sasami: As well as the sheep that was underneath them. >and feels the lips Tenchi: The weak, weak lips... >of her pussy. >Tenchi can feel her reaction to the touch, Tenchi: No, I can't, I'm trapped in space with a bunch of crazy people. >Sakuya shivers in extasy. >"Tenchi, please, I want you in me now!" Washu: (Tenchi) I'm sorry, there's not enough room for both my penis and me. >"Yes, my goddess." Tenchi: Sakuya is really Lucy Lui? >Tenchi inches her >little panties off with his teeth. Then moves to the bra and struggles just >a bit with the snap but it eventually gave way. Sasami: And it snapped in his face and killed him, the end. Tenchi: Hey!! Sasami: I wanna get out of here, Tenchi... Washu: We all do, Sasami, we all do. >Tenchi now over the completely naked Sakuya marveled at her beatiful body, a >cold breeze came from the winter night and Tenchi sees Sakuya's discomfort, ace for our first", Tenchi says picking up Sakuya >and taking her to the bed in his arms Sakuya rests her head upon Tenchi's >strong chest. Tenchi: This story would be quite sweet if it wasn't written by a baboon. >Tenchi lays Sakuya down on the bed and goes under the warm blanket on her >bed, Sakuya gets on top of Tenchi, now its my turn to undress >you, Sasami: Has this guy heard of those little things called 'quotation marks'? Tenchi: Based on past examples...doubtful. >(allthough he only has a pair of silk boxers on), Washu: Alright, then explain to me how he was supposed to survive the trip over to her apartment in the freezing winter with a pair of silk boxers? Tenchi: No, explain to me when I bought a pair of silk boxers. I wear cotton, dumbass! >Tenchi with an almost >painful hard on can't wait until she gets it out. Washu: Unfortunately, there's only so many 'bad writing' jokes we can do. Tenchi: Well, let's milk it while we can. It's almost over, anyway. >Sakuya takes off his >boxers and stops for a minute and gasps and Tenchi's size!!!!!!!!!!! Tenchi: Hey!! It's really cold outside!!! >"Tenchi, your so, so, big!" Tenchi: Oh. Washu: I suppose you should be flattered, but, this being her first time, she really has no basis for comparison. Tenchi: Then what's your opinion? Washu: 14% larger in length and width than the average for teenage males your age. Tenchi: Oh. Well, that's nice. >Tenchi blushes. Sakuya takes >Tenchi's hard cock and rubs the head around her lips, teasing him. "Oh >you naughty little girl." Tenchi: Is she saying this to herself, or am I saying this to her? Washu: *shrugs* >She then puts his cock in her pussy and pushes >down. Sakuya cries in pain, tears come from her eyes. Tenchi wipes away the >tears. "There will be nothing but pleasure now, I promise." Sasami: Then a meteor fell and smashed Sakuya into paste. Washu: (Sakuya) Wow, that felt great! >Sakuya starts moving up and down on Tenchi's rod and all the pain turns to >pleasure and she starts moving faster and faster, Tenchi grips Sakuya's hips >and grinds his cock in her. Tenchi thinks to himself how tight she is, >Sakuya groans in please. Sasami: (Sakuya, groaning) Please. Tenchi: (himself) Thank you. >Tenchi pumps harder and neither of them can take it >anymore and they both cum at the same time. OOOOOOOOHHHH >TENCHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!! SAKUYAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tenchi: Okay, so either I just called my name and her name, or she called my name and her name. Sasami: No quotation marks again... Washu: His stupidity is amazing. I must study him... >They both lay there >motionless only the rising and falling of their chests, Sakuya rests her >head on Tenchi's chest and they hold each other. "I love you, "Sakuya, and I >love you too, Tenchi my love. Sasami: Once again, that made absolutely no sense. >They stare out the window watching the snow fall and drift off to >sleep.......................................... All: MORON. >Hey, this is Krackhead420 hope you enjoyed my little lemon and give me some >feedback, ideas, improvements. Washu: Never, ever write again. That is the best feedback you'll get. Tenchi: Come on, Washu, couldn't you disintegrate his brain a little? Washu: I can't just kill random people, Tenchi. >Peaceout for now and look for me Sequal >"Wrath of Ryoko" Washu: He'll be dead by tomorrow. Sasami: Let's get out of here. I have to cook dinner in an hour. *egress* Tenchi: That was horrible. Washu: Terrible. Sasami: I wrote better than that when I was 18 months old, and I didn't even know how to read! Shadow: Hey, I told you it was bad. Tenchi: Yeah, but damn! Mina: It was that awful? Tenchi: It wasn't all that disgusting, but it was written like the first works of those thousand monkeys on those thousand typewriters writing Shakespeare. Felicia: Wow, that bad? Washu: Worse. Those thousand monkeys defecated all over this story. *communicator beeps* Shadow: Shit, it's Megabyte! Alright, everyone I just brought here, hide! Megabyte can't see you, otherwise there's gonna be trouble! Girls: Right! *the girls hide* Megabyte: What's going on here?! Why are you still sane?! Tenchi: Uh...good mental control? Megabyte: Hmph. It doesn't matter, anyway. There are two lemons left. Tenchi: What?! I thought there was just one! Megabyte: Heh heh, I won't let you stop till your mind is broken! Tenchi: But you said there were two left... Megabyte: These last two are so horrible, they would break even the most stalwart warrior! Tenchi: Oh, shit... Megabyte: Yes, yes...quite ingenious, isn't it? Enjoy yourself, while you can. *Megabyte leaves* Tenchi: Oh no... Mina: Aw, don't worry, Tenchi... Ryoko: Yeah, you've got me with you! Ayeka: Excuse me?! Shadow: I knew he'd do that... Tenchi: What?!?! And you didn't tell me?! Shadow: Hey, don't worry, you've got your friends here with you. Tenchi: What the hell do you think this is, an anime after-school special?! *Lemon Sign* Mina: Damn, we've got Lemon Sign! Shadow: Okay, Ryoko, Ayeka, you're up! Ryoko: Alright! Ayeka: Good, then I can keep an eye on you, Ryoko... Tenchi: Errghh.... Shadow: Sorry, Tenchi...if I sent in one, the other would be bitching to me about it. Tenchi: I understand... *entre* *dog bone* *6, a picture of Tracey in a bonfire with Oompa-Loompas pissing on him* *5, slow-motion replay of the GameCube Metroid FMV* *4, Gatomon and Kari doin' the nasty* *3, Goku and Trunks going SSJ ala Toonami intro* *2, picture of Indianapolis Charmander with an erection* *1, a big wheel of parmesan cheese* (please note, from now on it gets pretty disgusting, so be warned.) >Tenchi on a Plate of Sashimi >By The Super Retarded Kid Tenchi: This does not look good... >from Seanbaby's website, Alienboy 52 Ryoko: Hey, I think I recognize that name. Oh yeah, he got arrested for public urination 12 times. The police took one look at him and beat him senseless for eight days and nights. Tenchi: So where are these heroic policemen now? Ryoko: Last I saw them I was stealing a cache of gold at Rinta 7. Tenchi: Damn... >Disclaimer: >This fic is about Tenchi Muyo in my fucked up world so yeah, it's fucked up. All: Gee, what a shocker. >Most of it is sick and probably sucks because I'm writing it. Ayeka: You don't have to tell us twice. >If you don't >know I have real sick fantasies Tenchi: I think that's implied. >so if your not 18+ don't read this. >Yeah and I don't own these characters, but Pioneer and AIC do. All: Who? >And if I >did own these characters though, I probably wouldn't be writing a sick >fanfic would I? Ryoko: Nope, you'd be sitting in the remedial class with a circle of paper, writing the letter A. (anyone who recognizes that gets a gold star.) >--- Tenchi: I think that's morse code for "this sucks". > "Tenchi, you are a loser!" taunted a menacing voice. Ryoko: Come in here and say that, you bastard! Tenchi: Ignore it, it's just a story. > "Huh? What the fuck! Tenchi: We'll be seeing some of that soon enough... >Where am I?" said Tenchi as he looked around >at unfamiliar surroundings. Ayeka: (Tenchi) Oh my god, I'm in Kansas! Ryoko: (Tenchi) Why is that scottish terrier humping that little girl? > "You are on a plate of sashimi," said the voice. Tenchi: O-kay... > "Okay then..." Tenchi said as his voice trailed off. > At that moment Tenchi heard a familiar voice. > "Oh Tenchi! Wake up my Tenchi!" >--- All: This sucks! > Tenchi woke up from his sleep to see Ryoko hovering over him, Ayeka: Ryoko!! Tenchi: Well, it's starting off normal... >but something was wrong with Ryoko today. Ayeka: Let me guess: drunk? Ryoko: Hey!! I only had one bottle of sake! >That's when Tenchi noticed it, >Ryoko's eye was missing. Ryoko: This is a bad omen... > "Ryoko! Your eye! It's missing!" gasped Tenchi. Tenchi: How observant of me. Ryoko: Uh-oh...I just had a horrible thought... > "Of course it is! Don't you know! Since the animators never gave me >a cunt, Ryoko: Oh shit... >I have to use the next best thing instead," explained Ryoko. Ryoko: NOOOO!!! What bastard wrote this shit?! > "But couldn't you have used your, Ryoko: Hand? >uh, butt instead of your eye >socket?" asked Tenchi. Ayeka: Hmph, only a demon would do such a vile act. > "Washu plugged my ass up with butt plugs, Ryoko: Right after she altered the cosmological constant of the universe and made me celibate. Who the hell is writing this shit!? >so I'm left with my eye >socket. Ryoko: Does 'workman's comp' mean anything to these people? >Well? How'bout it Tenchi? Wanna fuck my eye socket?" asked Ryoko. All: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Tenchi: Dear god, Megabyte must really want me to die! > "Stop right there you monster! You will not have the pleasure Ayeka: Pleasure? Explain to me how losing your eye brings pleasure. Ryoko: If we lost our eyes, we wouldn't have to read this. Ayeka: Touché. >of having Tenchi up your eye socket!" Tenchi: The author should be impaled with a giant iron pole. >yelled Ayeka as she busted Ryoko: A move. >into Tenchi's >room. > "Hey! Tenchi: Hay is for horses. >What happened to the security on Tenchi's door?" asked Ryoko. Ayeka: (herself) It grew legs and ran away to get away from this debauchery. > "Azaka and Kamadake were horny, so I let them have sex with it," >answered Ayeka. Ayeka: Okay, that's sick. > "Hey! What's going on here! This is fucked up! Tenchi: Our sentiments exactly. >How can logs have sex >with a security system?!" yelled out Tenchi. Tenchi: However they do it, their kids are gonna get the crap beat out of them at school. > "Because you are on a plate of sashimi Tenchi. Ryoko: Oh yeah, that makes a whole lot of sense. Tenchi: So I sleep on a plate of fish? >You will now see Ayeka: The light! >the one you desire most enter your room now," Tenchi: Lucy Lui? >said the unknown voice. > And at that moment Noboyuki All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Tenchi: That's it, I'm suing for defamation of character!!! >entered the room. Tenchi gazed at his >father, Ryoko: Wondering how that giant pimple started growing out of his eye. >Tenchi couldn't stop himself Ayeka: And strangled Nobuyuki to spare him of this horror. >from getting an erection Tenchi: If there was ever a time to kill myself, this is it. Ryoko: Don't do it, Tenchi! Ayeka: We still love you! Tenchi: I'll prevail... >from looking >at his father. Noboyuki stared back at Tenchi and blushed, it was obvious >that Noboyuki Ryoko: Was blushing. >wanted Tenchi. Tenchi: More likely he wants the porn mags I hid from him. > "Father, please, give it to me up the ass," Ryoko: Is there...a sick bag in this theater? Tenchi: Uh...behind the chairs, I think. Ryoko: Thank you. *grabs the sick bag and pukes* >said Tenchi, trying to >sound as seductive as he could to his father. Ayeka: Umm... *grabs a sick bag and follows suit* Erp... > "Tenchi! You have given me a huge erection, Tenchi: Then could you give me a cyanide pill in return? >and Ryoko's eye socket >is just amazing too," *everyone starts throwing up* >said Noboyuki, "Hey Ryoko? Would you mind if I used the >blood from your eye socket to lubricate my penis?" Ryoko: I ain't got nothin' left...no, wait, there's more. *pukes* > "Of course, you are Tenchi's dad after all," said Ryoko. Ryoko: I'm gonna have to get *really* drunk to forget this shit... Ayeka: I believe I'll join you... > "Please! Use my eye instead! Jurai blood is better than that demon's >blood any day!" said Ayeka Ayeka: That's true, but who cares? >as she pushed Ryoko out of the way. > "Hmmm... Tenchi, I'm going to use Ryoko's eye socket, Ryoko: I'd be flattered, but this is disgusting. >you should >go to Ayeka and puncture her eye with your penis. Ayeka: Same here... Tenchi: Triple for me... >That way we'll have twice >as much lubricant," said Noboyuki as he grabbed Ryoko's head and pushed his >penis into Ryoko's eye socket. All: KILL US NOW!!! (suddenly...) Announcer: It's the Poetry Man! Ryoko: Huh?? Poetry Man: During this nightmare of bad stories and sex, you can count on me to brighten your day, keep the bad words and thoughts away, Even though there's six hot girls here and I can't fuck a one, I'll still help you perservere, 'cause I'm The Poetry Man! ............... WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I GET LAID?!?!?!?! *leaves* Ryoko: Who the hell was that? Tenchi: I don't know, but I'm gonna have to have dinner with him later. Ryoko: Yikes... Ayeka: Hey, look, we missed a whole bunch of the story. All: YAY!!! >--- All: THIS SUCKS. Tenchi: I don't think I'll ever get tired of that. > "Wow Sasami! That smells great what is it?" asked Tenchi. Ryoko: (Sasami) It's sashimi! Tenchi: (himself) NOOOOOO!!!! My bed!!! > "Don't call me Sasami! Ryoko: How about bitch? Ayeka: Ryoko! Ryoko: Hey, odds are, she's gonna be in on this eye-fucking thing. Ayeka: Eww... >I'm getting my name changed to Susami!" yelled >Sasami/Susami. Tenchi: O-kay... Ryoko: This is quite possibly the stupidest thing ever written. Tenchi: No, that was the last lemon. This is just the most disgusting. > "So what did you cook?" asked Tenchi. > "I cooked my leg, that's why my leg is amputated now," said >Sasami/Susami. Tenchi: Whoo-boy... Ryoko: I need a new sick bag... > "Tenchi! You are a loser! You are on a plate of Sashimi," said the >voice. Tenchi: That better mean this is all just a bad dream... > Tenchi suddenly got dizzy as he heard those words. After a few >seconds Tenchi fell to the ground and passed out. Tenchi: Yay! Wait, *I'm* still awake... >--- All: THIS SUCKS, THIS SUCKS, THIS SUCKS!!! Ryoko: If I ever find this guy, I'll rip his balls off and stuff them in his head via his eyes!!! > Tenchi awoke to only find himself, sleeping on a plate of Sashimi. Ayeka: Thank god... Tenchi: I guess I do sleep on a plate of fish. > "Well I guess that must have been a dream then, Dad was so good too," >Tenchi thought aloud. Tenchi: Tell Washu to put this guy in a parallel universe with lots of fire. Ryoko: He'll be dead before she gets the chance. > "Hey Tenchi! Look what I got!" yelled Noboyuki. Ayeka: (Nobuyuki) It's the head of Alienboy 52! > "What is it dad?" > "I got Ryo-Oh-Ki's eye socket!" Ryoko: Errgh...he's going down!!! >--- All: YOU SUCK, YOU IMPOTENT PIECE OF SHIT!!! >End >I made this fanfic mainly because I wanted to make something that would make >normal hentai's puke. Ayeka: You succeeded, you freak. >Of course if you weren't disgusted by this fanfic, >then you qualify for being more hentai than me, because I'm disgusted at what >I wrote. Ryoko: Then why the fuck did you write it?!?!?! >Actually now that I think of it, this fanfic really sucked. All: Gee, really?! >Oh yeah 1st fanfic ever too, that's why this one sucks. Tenchi: No, it's because you were dropped on your head repeatedly when you were two, four, five, and seven. Then you started writing this... >Why not try to convert me at alienbo...@hotmail.com Ryoko: You just know he's gonna send the Happy99 virus with the reply. >Or you can go to the best website around >http://www.seanbaby.com >Seanbaby is just so sexy, I want to be like him someday. Tenchi: Oh, that's too bad, because we just beat the crap out of Seanbaby and dropped him in acid. Ryoko: Let's get out of here... Ayeka: On that, I agree with you... *egress* Tenchi: Dear god...I still feel sick... Mina: How was it? Ryoko: Horrible... Ayeka: An affront to my entire being... Shadow: Great, 'cause there's one more left. Tenchi: NOOOO!!! Shadow: Don't worry, it's not that bad. Personally, I think it's not as terrible as the last, but that's my opinion. Zoicite: Who's the author? Shadow: Uh...it's the sequel to the last one. Tenchi: AARRRGGHH!!!!! *Lemon Sign* Tenchi: Waaaaahhh!!! I don't wanna go!!! Shadow: Mihoshi, Kiyone, you two go this time. Kiyone: Alright, let's do this! Mihoshi: We'll keep you safe, Tenchi! Tenchi: You won't be so perky when it's over... *entre* *dog bone* *6, a picture of Tracey in a bonfire with Oompa-Loompas pissing on him* *5, slow-motion replay of the GameCube Metroid FMV* *4, Gatomon and Kari doin' the nasty* *3, Goku and Trunks going SSJ ala Toonami intro* *2, picture of Indianapolis Charmander with an erection* *1, a big wheel of parmesan cheese* >Yosho, the old man who rapes teenage boys Mihoshi: ??? Kiyone: ??? Tenchi: Damn it, how fucking long does it take to get a defamation suit started, anyway?! >By the super retarded kid Kiyone: He should be shot and put out of his misery. >from Seanbaby's page, ALIENBOY 52!!! Kiyone: I recognize that name... Mihoshi: Yeah, we beat him for a while for public urination, didn't we? Kiyone: Oh yeah... then those kids stoned him... > This story's characters are property of Pioneer and AIC, except > for Seanbaby. If you don't know who Seanbaby is, the go to > http://www.seanbaby.com. Kiyone: Good job, moron, you just alerted the authorities to your base of operations! > Also this story is intended for audiences over the age of 18, but > who cares, it's hopefully so sick that no one would want to read > it. Tenchi: You're forgetting about the many hordes of people on satellites with megalomaniacs. >--- Tenchi: THIS SUCKS!!! Kiyone: ??? Mihoshi: ??? Tenchi: Sorry...I'll explain later... > "Tenchi! Do it harder!" Kiyone: Dammit, can't we be brought *slowly* into this?!?! >yelled Yosho as he attacked Tenchi with his >wooden sword. Tenchi: Ah, to be home again...wait, then I'd be training... Hard decision... > "Grandpa! I'm doing it as hard as I can!" Mihoshi: I have a very bad feeling about this... >Tenchi shouted back to his >Grandpa while blocking the attack. Tenchi: Now would be the time I'd mess up and get hit in the head. >Yosho quickly swung his sword around and >hit Tenchi in the head. Tenchi: See? Kiyone: You could've dodged to the right, you know. Tenchi: Don't start. >Tenchi fell onto the ground and passed out. Tenchi: Ah, the sweet, sweet state of unconsciousness... > Tenchi groggily woke up Tenchi: Aww... Mihoshi: Aw, can't we sleep just a little longer? Kiyone: (angrily) Mihoshi... >and tried to stand up, but his legs wouldn't >move. Tenchi blinked a few times and was able to see clearly now, Kiyone: And saw he was now falling off a cliff. >his legs >were bound with rope to a pole, Tenchi: What, no giant dildo? >he was also naked and in his Grandpa's >shrine. Tenchi: O_o Kiyone: Two points for originality, but minus eight billion for stupidity. >Tenchi tried to move his arms, but they were tied up to a pole as >well. > "Ryoko! Washu! Who ever you are! Kiyone: Ten bucks on Ryoko. Tenchi: Twenty on Washu. Mihoshi: Fifty on Kiyone! Kiyone: Mihoshi!! Mihoshi: What? The odds are 20-1 against. Kiyone: Hm...good odds. >Let me out right now!" screamed >Tenchi as he struggled to get out of the ropes. Mihoshi: (ropes) Hey, do you mind?! We're trying to hold you prisoner here! > "Hehehe, so you finally woke up Tenchi!," snickered Yosho Tenchi: Heh heh, yeah, that's funny... Kill me. Please. >as he >walked towards Tenchi. > "Grandpa!" yelled Tenchi in joy, Tenchi: Joy and blinding fear. >"Hurry up and untie me! Someone >tied me up!" Mihoshi: (Yosho) Really? I thought you were playing really-easy-to-get. Kiyone: Mihoshi, you're not helping... > Yosho looked at Tenchi and grinned, "Tenchi, you fool, I tied you >up. Tenchi: (himself) You mean those three girls over there with the rope and dildos *didn't* do it? >If someone else tried to tie you up in my shrine they wouldn't have >survived." Tenchi: Oh yeah, that really makes me feel safe... > "So is this part of my training then?" asked Tenchi. Kiyone: Ask a stupid question... Mihoshi: Get an ass-fucking? Kiyone: Mihoshi!! > "If you were a woman, maybe, Tenchi: I've never been happier to be a guy... >but no, I'm just horny," Kiyone: Wait a minute, what kind of training involves being tied up? Mihoshi: I don't want to know. >said Yosho as >he started to take off his belt. Tenchi: Wait a minute, this is child abuse! Kiyone: Mihoshi, shoot him! Mihoshi: Um, I left my gun at home... Kiyone: Urgh... Wait, I left my gun there too...damn! > "Grandpa! NO! You can't be serious!" Kiyone: (Yosho) I'm not serious! You're on Hidden Bondage Camera! >screamed Tenchi struggling even >harder to get out of the ropes. Mihoshi: (ropes) That's it, we're not going out for ice cream! > "Tenchi!!!" yelled Yosho as he pulled out his penis Tenchi: Suddenly the Penis Bandit ran in and castrated him. >from under his >robes, "This will be fun!!!" Kiyone: Fun like a root canal. > "No Grandpa! Please don't! Ryoko, Ayeka, Washu, Tenchi: If they're here too, I won't come away from this alive. >Mihoshi, and even >Sasami I can understand Mihoshi: Sasami? Tenchi: What's she gonna do, tie me up and make me eat my spinach? >but why you?" pleaded Tenchi. > "Did you ever think why I let your pathetic father marry my daughter >Tenchi?" asked Yosho. Tenchi: I don't suppose true love would have anything to do with it. > "You bastard! Leave mother out of this!!!" screamed Tenchi. Tenchi: If there's even a hint of necrophilia in this, I'm gonna bash my head into the wall till I die. > "I fucked Noboyuki, Mihoshi: (Yosho) And he's pregnant with my baby! >and he was pretty good too," Kiyone: (Yosho) But not as good as that inflatable mattress in the supply closet. >stated Yosho, "But >still I've really been doing this since I was born on Jurai." Tenchi: (Yosho) As soon as the doctor slapped me, I took one look at him and strung him up! Kiyone: (Yosho) The lack of any muscles or physical strength hampered me a little, but this is Fantasy World, where idiots rule! > "Ewww..." gagged Tenchi, "That's kinda more than I needed to know >Grandpa." Kiyone: (Yosho) Then how's this?! Energy times mass equals the speed of light, squared!!! Mihoshi: (Tenchi) NOOOOOOOO!!!! YOU BASTARD!!!!! > "Shut up Tenchi!" commanded Yosho, "I'm going to fuck your ass, >because right now you're my bitch!" Tenchi: There's so many things wrong with that sentence, I can't even list them all. > "NOOOOOOOOO!!!" yelled Tenchi. > Ryo-Oh-Ki was busy hopping around in the carrot patch Mihoshi: Looking for a really small carrot to use as a dildo. Kiyone: MIHOSHI!!! Mihoshi: What? You're not very nice, you know that? Kiyone: I'm trying to get through this lemon with as many brain cells as possible! Mihoshi: Then you should've brought a Game Boy. Kiyone: Hm? *looks down and notices a GBA* Where'd you get that? Mihoshi: I found it in the living room. Kiyone: Did you get one for me? Mihoshi: There was only one. Kiyone: Damn... >when suddenly >it heard Tenchi scream coming from Yosho's shrine. "MIYA!!" it said to itself >as it hopped towards the shrine. It could hear Tenchi getting louder as it >got closer to the door of the shrine. > Ryo-Oh-Ki looked inside of the shrine and saw Mihoshi: Krusty the Clown! >Tenchi tied up and >naked. Mihoshi: That's one lousy clown. >Ryo-Oh-Ki entered the shrine and walked towards Tenchi, but it only >took a few steps when it was picked up by the scruff of the neck. > "Now now Ryo-Oh-Ki, we can't have you telling Ryoko and Washu what's >happening here can we?" Kiyone: No no, then he might find himself impaled over a barbeque spit. >questioned Yosho as he took his other hand and put >it around Ryo-Oh-Ki's scrawny carrot fed neck. Tenchi: Unfortunately he broke his hand on Ryo-Ohki's carret-fed eyes. > "MIYA!!!" cried Ryo-Oh-Ki as it tried to break free of Yosho's >powerful grasp. > If Ryoko hadn't been drinking sake Mihoshi: Then she wouldn't be Ryoko. >that night she might have heard >Ryo-Oh-Ki's cry, but unfortunately she had been trying to break Kiyone: Ayeka's neck. >an old record >of two hundred and six bottles. Tenchi: I think your liver would explode at 130 bottles. >Ryoko didn't remember if that was the record Kiyone: Considering drinking 206 bottles would leave you with that many brain cells, I'm surprised she remembers anything. >but when she woke up the next morning from drinking she saw the number >written on her hand, Mihoshi: As well as the words "Thanks for a great time!" written on her breasts. >it might have been an address, or an important number, >but Ryoko figured if it was important she would have remembered, so she >assumed that it must have been how many bottles of sake she drunk, because >she had a terrible hangover. Tenchi: What she didn't know was Ayeka was standing over her with a mallet. > Washu on the other hand was busy checking her experiment. Kiyone: (Washu) Can a horse successfully mate with a penguin? >Her >experiment was too see if Ryoko could figure out what the two hundred and six >on her hand meant. Tenchi: The only bigger waste of time is reading this lemon. >Washu figured Ryoko would never figure out that two >hundred and six was really how many brain cells Mihoshi had multiplied by 10. Mihoshi: Excuse me?! >Washu was having a kick out of Ryoko getting drunk and trying to re-enact the >entire war of 1812 Kiyone: It's not entertainment; it's RYOKO. >before she passed out and fell face first onto the >floor. But while she was having all this fun she forgot that she was supposed >to be observing and she started to drink some of Ryoko's sake, Washu wasn't >exactly a good drinker so within ten bottles she passed out too. Tenchi: Terrific, now why don't we just call up the Sailor Soldiers to save me? Or are they all drunk too? > Mihoshi, well Mihoshi was being Mihoshi. Mihoshi: It's the only person I can be. >Let's just say that staring >at the clothes spinning around in the drier isn't exactly the best way to >spend evenings. Mihoshi: What's wrong with that? They were almost done. > Noboyuki was busy looking in Ayeka's window Tenchi: Geez, Dad... Why can't he just collect stamps? >when Azaka and Kamidake >ambushed him from behind. Noboyuki and the logs fell from Ayeka's window >and landed on the ground stirring up a huge commotion in Ayeka's room. Kiyone: Then the commotion came to life and killed them all. >Ayeka stuck her head out of the window to see Noboyuki and Azaka and Kamidake >sprawled across the ground. "REALLY MR. MASAKI!!!" was all that Ayeka could >say, Mihoshi: (Ayeka, thinking) I wish somebody had taught me to say something else, like "stop looking in my window!" >but none of them could hear Ryo-Oh-Ki's cry for help, except for >Sasami. Tenchi: Figures. > Sasami was cleaning up the mess Ryoko and Washu made when she heard >the cabbit's cry race through her head. Kiyone: Then the police arrived and ran it down, killing both. > "NO! Ryo-Oh-Ki! Yosho couldn't be doing that!" Mihoshi: How did she know Yosho was doing it? Tenchi: Maybe she was reading this lemon... >said Sasami thinking >out loud, Kiyone: (Sasami, thinking) Oh my god, I'm clairvoyant! >"but what if it is true! Tenchi: (Sasami) What if I used a question mark? >Oh no! Poor Tenchi! I'd better go check >out the shrine!" Mihoshi: (Daphne) Let's check it out, gang! Tenchi: (Scooby) Fuck no! > Sasami quickly ran to the shrine to see what was happening inside, >but she had a bad feeling about what she would see at the shrine. Kiyone: Really, no shit? Tenchi: Oh, there's shit. We're reading it right now. >She >quietly snook All: Snook??? >around the shrine and looked in the door and saw Yosho with >Ryo-Oh-Ki. > "Stop this Yosho!" she cried as she leaped into the room, "what could >possess you to do this?" Tenchi: (Yosho) Well, let's see, I'm out of my ever-lovin' mind. How's that grab you? > Yosho looked back on the little girl and smirked and said, Mihoshi: (aerobics instructor) And up and kick and out and scream and kill and run and hate this goddamn lemon! >"foolish >girl can you not see it! I am not truly Yosho! Tenchi: Oh, great, who is he, Donald Trump? >I am, JESUS!!!" All: 0_0;; Tenchi: It just got stupid. > "WHAT!!!" shouted Sasami. Kiyone: (Sasami) I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! I MUST TALK IN CAPITAL LETTERS AND USE MANY, MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! > "I will teach you a lesson for getting in the way of the devene Mihoshi: (Tattoo) De vene, boss, de vene! >purpose of my father!" said our lord and saviour, Jesus, Tenchi: And also said my wacked-out grandfather who probably took too many trips to the liquor cabinet. >as he transformed Kiyone: (Yosho) Sailor Jesus Power make-up! (I'm going straight to hell for that.) >and used his holy powers to bind Sasami to the floor. Tenchi: It's called rope. Get it right. > "Sasami! I'm sorry I couldn't stop him," said Tenchi, as he tried >even harder to get out of his ropes. Mihoshi: (ropes) I should've never left that job with Houdini... > "Well let's see what I should do first, I know! Mihoshi: (Yosho) I'll turn myself in! Kiyone: Don't cling to false hope. >I'll shove Ryo-Oh-Ki >up Tenchi's ass, hahahaha! Tenchi: Okay, and he's supposed to be Jesus? Kiyone: I guess it's revenge for the whole cruxifiction thing. >It will be fun, but first I must make heaven's >lubricant, Kiyone: (Yosho) WD-40! >the eye blood of a young virgin! Mihoshi: Waa-aa-aaaahh?? >Hahahahaha!" shouted Jesus >insanely. Tenchi: Well, sure, how could he laugh any other way? e puke if you fuck Sasami's eye socket!" shouted Tenchi. Kiyone: Yeah, think of us, you demented old psycho! > "Exactly Tenchi! That's why I must do it! In the name of my >father!" said Jesus as he took hold of Sasami's small and cute little head. All: HELP US!!! HELP US!!!! HEEEEEELLLLLPPP!!!!!! *crash* Tenchi: Huh?? What was that? *BAM!!* Kiyone: Whoa! What the hell? (suddenly Ayla's theme music plays, and...) *WHAM!!!* Ayla: That lemon hurting Ayla's friends! It gonna pay!! *howls* *WHAM!* *SMASH!* *BLAMMO!* *CRUNCH!* *BASH!* *EXPLODE!* Ayla: Hah! It not so tough. Tenchi: O_o;; Kiyone: o_o;; Mihoshi: Yeah!! I beat the fourth level! Hm? *looks up* Hey, what happened? Kiyone: Grr... Tenchi: Holy shit, she destroyed the theater! Kiyone: Yes!! Mihoshi: Hurray!!! Tenchi: Come on, let's get out of here! *egress* Mina: What the hell happened in there?! Ayla: I kill lemon! Zoicite: Uh...what's she mean by that? Tenchi: She destroyed the theater! Shadow: What?! How bad is it? Ayla: It dead! Shadow: Wow, that bad, huh? Kiyone: It's completely demolished! *everybody starts cheering like crazy* Shadow: Whoa, whoa, don't get happy yet. Megabyte's calling. *leaves* Mina: Damn... Megabyte: What in blazes happened to my theater?! Which one of you thugs did this?!?! Ayla: I did! Megabyte: Young lady...you have just made this little experiment that much harder for you and your friends. I will have my reven- *SMASH!* Ayla: He bother Ayla. *Cheering resumes, and about a hundred times louder* Washu: Well, it's time for us to go... Ryoko: Aw, do we have to? Washu: We'd better, otherwise that particle fusion experiment I left running might destroy the house. Sasami: Yeah, and I have to cook dinner. Ayeka: Lord Tenchi? Tenchi: Yes, Miss Ayeka? Ayeka: I will wait for you...however long it takes for you to return. Tenchi: Thanks. I'll try to get home as soon as possible. Ryoko: Yeah, you better. It's getting lonely down there without you. Mihoshi: See you later, Tenchi! Kiyone: Yeah, see you. Girls: Bye! (Washu opens a portal and they go back through it, and the others makes a mad dash to follow them, but it closes before they get through.) Zoicite: Damn... Mina: Hey, who cares? The theater's destroyed! We don't have to read any more lemons! All: HURRAY!!! ------------------------------------------------------------ Or do they??? Will Megabyte get his revenge? Will Megabyte fix the theater? Will Megabyte even be able to call them? Find out next time, on: Shadow: What was the title for this thing again? Alysa: You don't have one. Shadow: Oh, right. Remind me to get one. Alysa: Right. Should I give you a lapdance now, or later? Shadow: Uh...let me finish the end message first. Next time, on: THE MSTs FROM SHADOW! Shadow: God, that sucked... Alysa: You want a blowjob? Shadow: No, I didn't mean--yes. The Master of Eternal Darkness, Shadow -- Small Sig vers. 1.1.7 Kuragari no Hateshiganai no Sensei So, me and my penis talked for a while over coffee, and we both decided trying to not masturbate on purpose was bad. Then he spilled coffee on himself, and we both ran around screaming. -Falconeer Does your Army of Darkness have a dental plan? Links E-mail Address terisan_...@hotmail.com My Personal Archive http://www.geocities.com/shadow_archive/ Current Obsessions (in no particular order) Final Fantasy IX Chrono Cross Ayla from Chrono Trigger (can you believe it?)