MST3K: "Patamon: Professional Cab Driver"

by James D. Reinbold (don Jaime del Resfriado)
(jdreinbold@hotmail.com)

Synopsis: They're Digimon! They drive cabs! They're Digimon who drive cabs! 
Yes,
TV's Frank is lovin' this. Mike, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are more concerned 
with the
latest addition to the SoL crew.




(The Satellite of Love. MIKE NELSON is cutting up cereal boxes with a big 
pair
of scissors. TOM SERVO and CROW T. ROBOT enter.)

CROW: Hi, Mike!

TOM: H'lo, Mike!

CROW: Having fun?

MIKE: Yeah, I'm just cutting up these boxes to get the proofs of purchase, 
and
the bar codes, and the box tops. I'm sending away for...something. You can 
help
if you want.

CROW: Sure, Mike. I like playing with scissors.

TOM: What about me, Mike? Do you have any fun chores for me to do?

MIKE: Well, you can take these receipts and highlight where I bought the 
cereal
and then tape them to the pieces Crow cuts out.

TOM: Okay, that sounds cool. What are you sending off for?

MIKE: It's...a surprise. Oh, and I'm short on funds this week. Who wants to 
chip
in $3.50 for shipping and handling?

CROW: Let me think. Hmm...I'm guessing Tom doesn't. What do you think I 
would
do, Tom?

TOM: I think you'd tell Mike to take his scissors and cram it.

CROW: Why, that's exactly right! Was I right about you?

TOM: Dead on, brother. Like I'm going to work to get you a toy AND pay for 
it,
Mike.

CROW: Really!

MIKE: Come on! Okay, I'll tell you. It's not for me. Whoever ponies up the 
$3.50
gets this week's surprise. The rest of us will get one next week when I get
paid.

CROW: And the surprise is...?

MIKE: A surprise! If I told you, you'd both pay and then I'd have to choose 
who
gets the first one. And whichever one I choose, the other one's going to 
hate
me.

TOM: So instead, we're both going to hate you. Cut up your boxes. Tape your
receipts. Just keep your surprises to yourself.

CROW: Pssh! Surprises. I was surprised, I can tell you....

TOM: Yeah, you think you know some people....

(Still jeering, TOM and CROW exit.)

MIKE: Wait, the Mads are calling with the next experiment! Drat. Sirs, can 
you
spare $3.50?


(Onscreen: the Mads, DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER and TV'S FRANK. FORRESTER is
exasperated with FRANK, who giggles uncontrollably.)

FORRESTER: Of course not, Mike, we're not a bank. We do have a tawdry 
experiment
in store that involves "Digimon." Is that any help?

MIKE (Hard voice): I thought you learned something from the last "Digimon"
story....

FORRESTER: Oh, we did, we did! This isn't raunchy like "Alone For The Night"
was. This...well, let's just say Frank is enjoying it too much.

FRANK: Yes. Hee hee! It's great. It's called "Patamon: Professional Cab 
Driver."
Hee hee! You see, there's this Digimon, and he's called Patamon, and he 
drives a
cab....hee hee hee! And he drives all over town in his cab....

FORRESTER: Get to the point, Frank.

FRANK: ...and, hee hee! He's always hitting people! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA 
HA
HA!

FORRESTER: You see what I have to put up with, Mike. If Frank likes it, it 
has
to be bad. Send the fic, Frank. (FRANK pulls a chain.) Try not to scream too
loudly, Mike.


(On the Satellite, lights flash and horns blare.)

MIKE: Come back, guys!

CROW (Offstage): Why? Do you need to chisel more money?

MIKE: No, it's FANFIC SIGN!


(Doors open into the theater, where a web browser is already downloading the
story. TOM, MIKE, and CROW enter and sit down.)

>Patamon: Professional Cab Driver.

CROW: As opposed to all those amateur cab drivers.

MIKE: See the mon. The mon is furry. Pat the mon.


>By Boss Reo

TOM (Duran Duran): Her name is Reo and she's dancing in the sand!


>"Taxi!"

MIKE: Coming up next, right after "Barney Miller!"

>the man ran into the street to stop the oncoming cab,

CROW: And was run over and killed, the end.

>the yellow transport slowed to a stop and let the man in.

MIKE (Woody Allen): This is New York City resident Woody Allen. Always wear 
you
seat belt. Have you hugged your Digidestined today?

TOM (Driver): You're not goin' to Staten Island, are you? 'Cause I don't go 
to
Richmond.


>"28th and third and step on it!"

TOM: 28th Street and Third Avenue, or Third Street and 28th Avenue?

>The man demanded, adjusting his hat.

CROW: Mike, the man wants his hat adjusted. Think you can do it for him?

MIKE: Nah, he's a big boy. He can do it himself.

>In the drivers seat he saw a small, brown mouse-like animal with bat wings 
>coming out of its head

TOM: Technically, any small mouse-like animal with bat wings is...a bat.

MIKE: Coming out of its head?

TOM: Okay, maybe a mutant bat.

>(to make this even cuter, he's wearing a little cabby’s hat.)

CROW: Yeah, mutant bats are sooo cuddly, but you need the cap to complete 
the
effect.


>"You got it!" The digimon replied.

MIKE (Patamon): That's my favorite Roy Orbison song!

>His little foot pressed on the gas pedal

CROW: And his big foot stuck out the window.

>and the car drove off in a thunder of screeches and engine sounds.

MIKE: "A thunder of screeches?"

TOM: I think that's like "a murder of crows."

CROW: Hey! Like you've never made a mistake....

>"You gotta go to work huh?" the small monster asked, trying to make 
>conversation while running over pedestrians.

TOM (Patamon): I'd work too, but demolition derby's more fun.

>"Uh, yeah." the man answered, looking at the driver ID that said, "Hello, 
>My name is Patamon",

MIKE: He's got one of those sound chip driver's licenses.

>and a little shocked as he looked out the window to see a hot-dog cart get 
>smashed.

CROW: Gallagher has gone too far!

>"I'm an employee at the bank."

MIKE: Any particular bank?

>"So whattaya do exactly?" Patamon wondered.

TOM (Passenger): I'm the guy who chains all the pens to the tables.


>Suddenly the sound of a man screaming filled the air and the cab jumped up 
>as it drove over something.

MIKE: Aw, poor something!

>"Err... I’m a loan officer." a woman hit the windshield and flew over the 
>cab.

CROW (Patamon): Darn. I just had this thing washed.

>"Aww, that's a nice job. A really good bank, I’ve been there before."

TOM (Patamon): I always cash my checks at the First National Bank of Third 
and
28th.

>The little digimon suddenly made a sharp left turn

MIKE: Through a building....

>and the cab tires squealed loudly as it turns through an intersection.

CROW: "Squealed as it turns?" This fic is costing me my sense of time.


>"HEY! I'M WALKIN' HERE!" a pedestrian shouted.

MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, Dustin Hoffman!

>"YOU DON'T BELONG ON THE STREETS!" Patamon yelled back.

CROW (Patamon): Have you considered moving into a shelter?

TOM: It's hard to sound tough when you talk like Bubbles on "The Powerpuff
Girls."

>Soon the cab stopped at a busy street and was caught in a traffic jam. "Oh 
>damn! I'm going to be late again!" The passenger worried.

MIKE: Wouldn't you, with a driver too short to steer and work the pedals
simultaneously?

>Patamon knew he didn't want his customer to be unsatisfied,

TOM: But it was too late, so Patamon committed ritual seppuku.

>and he was, after all, voted best cab driver in New York.

CROW: It was a tough election. He lost a lot of points to begin with for
speaking clear English, but all those dead pedestrians put him over the top.


>"Don't worry sir!" Patamon squeaked,

MIKE: Be happy, sir!

>"I know a shortcut!" He hit the gas and road into Central Park.

TOM: He hit the gas AND he hit the road! See, this is a good fic, guys!

(MIKE and CROW groan.)


>"This is a nice park. Too many pokemon though. OOH look! A pikachu!"

MIKE: "Peek at you?" A voyeur? Where?

CROW: Well, this IS New York....


>WOOMP!

TOM and CROW: There it is!


>"I hate those damn things." patamon said.

MIKE (Patamon): They're always waiting for me to take my little cap off and 
get
naked.


>WOOMP!

TOM and CROW: There it is!


>"That was a big one."

MIKE (Patamon) I REALLY cut the cheese that time.


>WOOMP! WOOMP!

TOM and CROW: There it is! There it is!

MIKE: (Laughs.) Okay, that's enough.


>"Gotta watch out for those digletts." Patamon stated.

TOM: What's this got to do with tiny rectangular gum?

>Soon the digimon's cab found it's way onto the streets as it burst through 
>some bushes and onto 4th street.

MIKE: Central Park starts at 59th Street! How did he skip fifty-five 
streets?
And don't try to cop out and say you meant "Avenue," fanfic, because Central
Park's between Fifth and Eighth.

>"Almost there sir!" The monster said to his passenger.

CROW (Patamon): We're at 69th Street, 78th, 26th, 105th, 14th, ah, whatever.

>Suddenly a red light appeared and the cab screeched to a halt in front of a 
>pikachu crossing the road.

TOM: Why did the Pikachu cross the road?

CROW: To get merchandised on the other side.

>"Pika! pika!"

MIKE (Pikachu): What size type are we using again?

>"Up yours ya digimon rip off! BOOM BUBBLE!" Patamon burped up a big bubble 
>that sent the dumb pokemon flying.

CROW: Well! Somebody had sauerkraut on his breakfast Coney Island....


>"I always hate those things."

MIKE (Patamon): But then, I hate a lot of things. I hate crossword puzzles,
batteries, the way my mouth pops when I chew....

>The little digimon anxiously drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, 
>waiting for the light to turn green.

TOM: The light read this fanfic and turned green in nanoseconds.

>His tiny foot pushed on the gas pedal, revving the engine to a mighty roar.

CROW (Randy Newman): Why must they laugh at my mighty roar?

>The man looked nervously at the light, then at Patamon, then at the light 
>again. "Uh... e... excuse me but..." The light suddenly turned green.

MIKE: You know, I've never seen a traffic light gradually turn green.

TOM: I have, but it involved moss.

>"Here we go, sir!" Patamon pressed on the gas, and the cab burned along the 
>street in a yellow blur.

CROW (Passenger): Aaah! We're on fire! AAAH!

>The man was pinned to the seat due to the g-force

TOM: Just the one?

>as the winged monster plowed through pedestrians and traffic. Patamon 
>looked at the oncoming street signs made a sharp right, then a sharp left.

MIKE: Then a sharp cheese.

>Although an unfortunate mime would say otherwise.

CROW: If mimes talked.

>The cab drove through traffic in a blur of yellow metal.


>Suddenly, Patamon jammed his little foot on the brakes with all his might, 
>and the cab screeched loudly to a halt. DING!

TOM: Burgers are done!

>"Okay sir, we’re here!" Patamon squeaked with a smile as he looked at his 
>toll.

MIKE: The toll - 36 dead, 51 missing, $139,000 in property damage.

>"That’ll be four dollars and fifty cents."

CROW: At normal cab rates, they went five-sixteenths of an inch.

>The handed Patamon his fare with an extremely shaky hand and walked 
>staggardly into the bank.

MIKE: "The handed Patamon...?"

TOM: Staggardly shot Billy, oh, he shot that boy so bad...

TOM and CROW: ...that the bullet went right through him and broke the
bartender's glass!

TOM, MIKE, and CROW: DON'T STAGGARDLY!

>Patamon waved as the man walked the entrance of the bank. Then he drove his 
>cab back out into the busy streets of New York, looking for his next fare.

CROW: I think I speak for us all when I say "No fare."

TOM: CROW! I'm supposed to get all the bad puns!


>Th’End!

MIKE: Go t'Hell!


(TOM, MIKE, and CROW exit the theater. Doors slam as we return to the living
quarters. TOM, CROW, and GYPSY are waiting for MIKE.)

CROW: I bet I may already have won TEN MILLION DOLLARS!

TOM: I bet you may already have gotten a big, sticky ad for magazines!

CROW: Hey, I bet you're more right than I am!

(TOM and CROW cackle as MIKE enters with a small box punched full of air 
holes.)

MIKE: Look what I've got!

GYPSY: Oooooh, a package!

TOM: What's in it?

MIKE: A surprise!

CROW: Not THE surprise?

MIKE: THE surprise.

TOM: Open it, open it!

CROW: We want to see!

MIKE: Here we are! (He opens the box and takes out a BABY DIGIMON.) Welcome
home!

GYPSY: OOOOOOOOOH! Oh, my!

CROW: Oh, I see. Each Digimon has a chosen master; that's why you had to 
pick
one of us instead of sharing.

TOM: And when we each have our own Digimon, it's off to the Digital World 
and
bye-bye bad fan fiction.

MIKE: Finally, you understand. We'll all be Digidestined by the end of next
week. Until then, this is kind of a trial 'mon. Y'know, to see how we work 
with
it.

CROW: So, it's mine, right?

TOM: No, Crow, you were suspicious of Mike's motives. This one's mine.

CROW: I was suspicious? You all but called him Quisling!

BABY DIGIMON (Female voice): Excuse me, could one of you nice men show me 
who my
Chosen is?

(Pause as CROW and TOM stare in disbelief.)

TOM: This is a girl Digimon.

CROW: And girl Digimon only go with girls. So this is....

MIKE: Gypsy's Digimon. She had $3.50.

GYPSY: OH, MY! (Advances.) Hi, there! I'm your new mommy! (The BABY DIGIMON
crawls up GYPSY'S neck and cuddles against the base of her head.)

MIKE: Cute, huh, guys?

TOM: No. It's a spitwad with eyes. Who'd want a dumb old Digimon anyway? 
You'd
have to be a total simp to....

(The BABY DIGIMON snarls and drops from GYPSY'S neck. She spins against a 
CGI
animation background and evolves into a brown ROOKIE form. The monster 
resembles
a monkey, with large hands and a pronounced rear end.)

ROOKIE DIGIMON: What did you call Gypsy?!

MIKE: Oh, he didn't mean it! Tom, apologize.

TOM: I'm sorry, Gypsy! Geez.

(ROOKIE DIGIMON relaxes and goes back to snuggle with GYPSY.)

GYPSY: See, baby, Tom's a good guy, when you remind him!

MIKE: That was close, Servo. You could have gotten hurt. Remember, don't
antagonize the Digimon.

TOM: Oh, please. What's the worst it could do to me?

CROW: Well, read the brochure that came with the little beast and see.

(MIKE reaches into the box and gets the brochure.)

MIKE (Reads.): "Congratulations! You are the proud owner of a Kusomon. This
little sprite will give you years of selfless love and die-hard protection 
from
any foe. Your...." This isn't telling me anything. Let me see if I can find 
the
part about Digivolving. Here we go: "When threatened, you may call upon 
Kusomon
to digivolve into Toiremon. Toiremon's attack is an expanded version
of Kusomon's, and both consist of...."

(Pause as MIKE stares at the brochure in horror. Baffled, TOM, CROW, and 
GYPSY
cluster around him and read over his shoulder. TOM and CROW groan.)

CROW: Nice going, Mike. You've really outdone yourself this time. What did 
you
do to come up with Kusomon, go to the Big Barrel O' Digimon, reach all the
way to the bottom, knock out the slats, dig into the dirt underneath, and 
root
all around in the worms and mold and gunk to find this, this....

TOM: No wonder Kusomon is available as a cheapo cereal gimmick. Next time,
read the fine print.

MIKE: But I thought it would be a belch of some sort, like most Digimon. It
didn't say anywhere on the cereal box that she throws her own filth.

(TOM and CROW groan again.)

MIKE: Well, only Kusomon does. It sounds like Toiremon just points and aims.

TOM and CROW: Ick!

GYPSY: What's the problem? Kusomon can't help being who she is. She wants to
help us.

ROOKIE DIGIMON (KUSOMON): Yeah! I'd do anything for Gypsy.

TOM: Would you run away and never come back so she doesn't have to smell 
your
handiwork?

MIKE: TOM! What did I just TELL you?!

TOM: Well, I don't want to live in a hippo pen!

KUSOMON: I'm not messy. I have very good aim!

CROW: Of course you do! On that point, your word is as good as gold.

GYPSY: Don't worry, Tom. The Satellite will be spotless. We could use your 
help
sprucing up....

TOM: Absolutely! Whatever you want, Gyps'. I have no argument at all, in any 
way
whatsoever, and whatever you want me to do, I'll do it.

MIKE: Whew! Good thing that's settled. Now, Tom, Crow, remember: Kusomon is
new here, we want her to be as comfortable as possible. So act nice, mind 
what
Gypsy says, and, uh, don't make any sudden noises....

(Horns blare and lights flash.)

CROW: Damn! What a time for fanfic sign!

KUSOMON: Aaah! What's that?!

MIKE: It's okay, it's okay! I'm being experimented on, and so are Tom and 
Crow,
but Gypsy's exempt. That's good, right, Gypsy?

GYPSY: We'll have fun out here, safe away from the fanfic.

KUSOMON: Okay.

MIKE: Come on, guys, it's FANFIC SIGN!


(Doors open into the theater. MIKE, TOM, and CROW enter and sit down.)

MIKE: This is going to be an interesting next few days, gentlemen.

CROW: And we're hiding behind you every one of them.

>The Continuing Chronicles of Patamon: Proffesional Cab Driver

TOM: Clearly, Patamon is not a "proffesional" proofreader.


>By Boss Reo

MIKE: Springsteen, Speedwagon, this guy is an '80s compilation waiting to
happen.


>The night life of New York was often dangerous and seedy in some parts, 
>Patamon knew this.

TOM: He also knew the Sun was hot and the Pope was Catholic.

MIKE: Patamon was dumb, but even he could see the obvious.

>He calmly drove his empty cab down the streets of Hell's Kitchen,

CROW: Order up! Deviled eggs, deviled ham, devil's food cake, and a Coke, 
and
who let the cab in here?!

>suddenly coming up to a corner where a young bird-like digimon was standing 
>around,

TOM: Y'know, chillin'.

>smoking a cigarrette. She suddenly spotted our little cab driver.

MIKE (Biyomon): Oh, no, I made eye contact....


>"Hey baby, looking for a good ti....

CROW (Patamon): As a matter of fact, I was looking for some tropical foliage 
for
my luau.

>oh, it's just you." The bird said, recognizing Patamon's face.

TOM (Biyomon): You're not interested in traditional Hawaiian culture, I can
tell.


>"Slow night tonight, huh Biyomon?" Patamon asked, his head hanging out the 
>window.

MIKE: And he bumps the switch and rolls the window up on his head.


>"Yeah.....almost had someone though. Turned out to be just another pig."

(TOM, MIKE, and Crow oink.)

>The elegantly dressed bird sighed, she looked around, seeing if anyone else 
>was on the street.

CROW (Biyomon): No witnesses! Now all that's left is to decide where to dump 
the
body....

>"Hey Patamon, think you can give me a lift?" she asked,

MIKE (Patamon): Sure! I think you're very intelligent and not at all smelly.
Feel better now?

>the small digimon in the cab just smiled and motioned his hand.


>"Sure, almost the end of my shift anyways."

CROW: Prostitutes have a time clock?! Oh, it's...

MIKE: ...the cabbie. Yeah.

>Biyomon climbed into the back of the cab

TOM (Jerry Seinfeld): Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld. Welcome to New York. What is 
the
deal with not wearing your seat belt? Have you told your Digidestined you 
love
them? What is the deal?

>and the small, wing-headed monster slowly pulled his cab out onto the empty 
>street. A little while after driving, Patamon looked into his rearview at 
>Biyomon,

TOM (Biyomon): HEY! Eyes on the road!

>who just lit another cigarrette and put it to her beak.

MIKE: Cherry-first.

CROW (Biyomon): Aaaaah! Hot, hot!


>"So........" Patamon tried to make conversation, "How's Gabumon?' he asked,

TOM (Biyomon): Delicious! Want some?

>"pfft...like I care about that shmuck? all he does is just mooch more and 
>more money off of me. I barely get enough money just to pay for my 
>apartment, and all he does is just stay there."

MIKE (Biyomon): It's just unjust, that's just what it is.

>Biyomon took this pause to exhale some smoke, "And the only time he ever 
>does anything is when he's outta booze.

CROW (Biyomon): Then he starts doing jumping jacks. I don't understand it.

>That's all he is, just some lazy layabout who has nothing better to do but 
>lay on a couch, watching game shows and drink."

TOM: Sounds like your life, Mike.

MIKE: Not entirely. Sometimes I watch Judge Judy.

>She looked at Patamon. "You know, the only reason i'm taking care of him is 
>because he's your step-brother...in a way."

MIKE: How does that work? Do digimon even have parents?

>"And you know I appreciate everything you're doing for me, Biyomon." The 
>small monster replied, soon the cab pulled up to a rundown apartment 
>building, across from a small deli.

TOM (Patamon): Want some bagels?

CROW (Biyomon): Only if they've got garlic.

>"Here's your stop." Patamon said, slowing the cab to a halt. "Thanks 
>Patamon." Biyomon said, stepping out of the cab, "You wanna come in for a 
>bit? Have a cup of coffee or something?" she offered.

MIKE (Biyomon): Some cold Gabumon?

>"No thanks, gotta get the cab back over to the station. Maybe i'll come by 
>tomorrow." he smiled at her. They then said their good byes and Biyomon 
>walked up the steps and dissappeared into the building.

TOM (Gabumon): Did you get my throat lozenges?

CROW (Biyomon): Shut up, you.


>"Come on! That cab needed to be fixed three days ago!" Agumon yelled from 
>behind his booth at the two mechanics in the garage.

MIKE (Agumon): Put it back on the road and we'll worry about it when it 
gives
out completely!

CROW: Agumon sounds like Barney the Dinosaur.

TOM (Agumon): I love you, you love me....

>"Easy, would ya? Me an' Tentomon still gotta put in theses new shocks!" 
>Gomamon yelled back from under the raised cab.

TOM: "Theses." That's the first New York accent in the whole story.

CROW (Tentomon): Uh, a little help, please? I'm stuck to the No-Pest Strip
again....

>"Hey Tento, gimme some juice!" He said to the bug in the mechanic's suit 
>next to him,

MIKE (Tentomon): Cranberry okay?

>"You got it!" Tentomon mock-saluted, and hooked the end of a wire into 
>somewhere on his back-side that we will not bring into detail.

TOM: "Backside" was too much information to begin with....

>"Got that wire in place?" Gomamon asked, Tentomon nodded. "Here we go!" no 
>sooner is this said then Tentomon flashes brightly with electricity, 
>powering the drill Gomamon was holding.

MIKE (Gomamon): Over here, Agumon, it's time to do your fillings. Got the
Novocaine ready?

TOM (Tentomon): Yup!


>BZZZT! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

CROW (Tentomon): Next time, turn the bug zapper off before I come over here!


>Agumon just sighed and went back to his work, going over papers and 
>lawsuits.

TOM: What kind of attorney has an office in a garage?

MIKE: Attorneymon, that's what kind.

>He grabbed a handful of pretzels from the bag next to him and tossed them 
>into his mouth. he looked out from over the endless piles of papers at the 
>two bumbling mechanics and gave another sigh as a loud crash was heard.


>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GET THE EXTINGUISHER!"

CROW: I had no idea fires make loud crashing noises.


>Agumon asked himself if it was really worth looking up this time.He decided 
>it was and looked up to see Gomamon running around while set ablaze, 
>Tentomon running after him while trying to put him out with a fire 
>extinguisher.

TOM (Gomamon): Pull the trigger! Shpritz me! Don't smother the flames with 
the
extinguisher itself! Ow! Owie! Ow!

CROW: I'm guessing Agumon's going to sigh some more.

>Once again, a sigh came from Agumon. (And a vein was starting to form on 
>his forehead.)

MIKE: Good call. Too bad you don't get the bonus points for the vein.

CROW: Rats.


>All of a sudden...

MIKE: Sudden death overtime!


>VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!


>SKRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCH!

CROW: Oh, God, it's turned into a "Saved By The Bell" fanfic! Run!


>These noises marked the return of the Digimon Cab Co.'s best driver, as the 
>cab came crashing in and impacting into another car.

TOM: And he's the BEST driver. He also seems to be the only driver.


>"Hey! Patamon's back!" Tentomon said excitedly, looking over while still 
>spraying an already extinguished Gomamon.

MIKE (Gomamon): Uh, goo goo g'joob?

>Patamon casually opened the door of his cab and flew out, just as the cab 
>suddenly collapsed into the car it parked on top of.

TOM: He's created the world's first double-decker cab. Take that, London 
buses!


>"You're right on time, just as usual." Agumon smiled as the little winged 
>rat fluttered over to his booth.

CROW: So, Patamon's a pigeon now?

>"Make much today?" he asked, Patamon just shrugged. "Eh..got a few fares 
>here an' there today." He suddenly pulled out a flattened Pikachu carcass, 
>"Got another one though!"

TOM (Agumon): Dammit! You have to start taking money for fares, not 
roadkill!


>All the digimon in the garage cheered at the site of the flattened pokemon 
>while Agumon took it and nailed it to the wall of flattened Pikachus. "That 
>makes 500! A new record!"

MIKE: Well, at least we know now where digimon go during fanfics where their
owners are making out and threatening suicide. They're hacking in New York 
and
killing Pokemon. I never would have guessed that.


>WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOO-YAH!

MIKE: Uh, Al Pacino in "Scent of a Woman?"


>WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!

CROW: Yes, that's Al Pacino! Tell Mike what he's won, Servo!

TOM: Michael J. Nelson, you've won a handy-dandy cyanide capsule! After you
swallow your very own cyanide capsule, you will die and never remember 
reading
this fanfic!

MIKE: Hurray!


>Satisfied with their current victory over the evil of Pokemon, Patamon then 
>took them all out for drinks at the bar. Tentomon got drunk and got into a 
>brawl with a squirtle, Agumon passed out, Patamon hit the squirtle Tentomon 
>was fighting with over the head with a barstool, and Gomamon got REALLY 
>hammered and left the bar with a Bakamon who said her name was Nancy.

CROW: Okay, is a Bakamon a Pokemon or a Digimon? Or is this some new kind of 
'mon
that's going to be all over Kids' WB this summer?

TOM: Does anyone else find it disconcerting that Agumon passed out without
getting drunk first?


>Th' End! (Until The next installment.)

MIKE: Free again, guys!


(MIKE, TOM, and CROW exit the theater. Doors slam as we return to the living
quarters. TOM is washing dishes while CROW dries them. MIKE enters.)

MIKE: Nice to see you two doing some chores. You usually leave that to 
Gypsy.
Say, have you seen her? I want to find out what she's learned about Kusomon.

TOM: Oh, you'll learn about Kusomon.

CROW: And you'll start helping us now, instead of goofing off. Put some of 
these
dishes away before Gyps' and her familiar come back.

MIKE: Is there a problem?

TOM: Oh, yes. Just one teensy-tiny problem. Gypsy's working us to death.

CROW: And we're happy with that, Mike. Death is a much better alternative to 
an
irate Kusomon.

TOM: I will say this for her: she doesn't have to say much to get you to 
jump.
One look at her giant hinder and its implicit threat of a filth-flinging fit 
was
enough to send us back to the theater to scrape gum off the floor.

MIKE: You can't blame Kusomon. She and Gypsy can't force you to do chores.

(GYPSY and KUSOMON enter.)

GYPSY: Hello, Mike.

KUSOMON: Hiya, Mike!

MIKE: Hey, Gyps', Kusomon. How's it goin'?

GYPSY: Pretty smooth. Tom, Crow, and Kusomon have done a really good job
getting this place shipshape. I never could have done it by myself.

MIKE: Great! It's good to know that you two are keeping the boys out of 
trouble.

(TOM and CROW grunt.)

KUSOMON: Yeah. They weren't very receptive at first, but I made it clear 
they
should help Gypsy take care of this place and they came around.

MIKE: And I'm glad you gave them that little talking-to. We've all taken 
Gypsy
for granted. While we're spending ten and twelve hours a day trying to 
recover
from watching bad movies or reading bad fan fiction, she's had to do all the
gruntwork. Thanks, guys, for finally pitching in.

(TOM and CROW glare at MIKE.)

GYPSY: That's good to hear, Mike. Oh, and your spacesuit is ready for you.

MIKE: What for? I was going to take a shower and read the latest "Barry 
Ween,
Boy Genius."

GYPSY: I need you to go outside and scrape micrometeorites off the hull.

MIKE: The ship seems clean enough to me.

GYPSY: Cambot, can you give me Rocket #9?


(Onscreen: nothing. It's a blank, gray screen.)

MIKE: Cambot, check Rocket #9. We're not getting a signal.

GYPSY: Yes, we are, Mike. There are so many micrometeorites on Rocket #9 
that
they've filmed the lens over.

MIKE: Oh. Don't worry about it, Gyps'. Rocket #9 will keep. Those
micrometeorites out there aren't doing us any harm. We can go a little 
longer
without scrubbing them off.

GYPSY: Well...I guess so. I'll put it on my to-do list.

KUSOMON (To MIKE): Are you saying you're not going to help? Gypsy does all 
of
the work around here and it's wearing her out. You're a big boy; you could 
take
up the slack. It really chaps my rear to think you wouldn't help a friend 
out.

MIKE: Oh, no, there's no need to get your rear chapped! I was only thinking 
out
loud. Of course I'll pitch in.

KUSOMON: Great! I'll go get the spacesuit. (Exits.)

GYPSY: Thank you, Mike.

MIKE: You're welcome, Gypsy. Not a word, you two. I meant what I said.

TOM: I didn't say anything.

CROW: Me neither. Though I was going to ask Cambot to keep Rocket #9 punched 
up
so we can watch you squeegee the entire hull....

MIKE: Ha, ha. I'm saving Rocket #9 till the end. I better get a 
micrometeorite
brush. Nothing can stop me now. (Lights flash and horns blare.) Except that.
Make my apologies to Kusomon, Gypsy. We've got FANFIC SIGN!


(Doors open into the theater. MIKE, TOM, and CROW enter and sit down.)

CROW: Hey, Mike, have you thought up an excuse for not cleaning the hull 
after
we're finished with this fic?

MIKE: No, Kusomon's right. I'm going to have to do it.

TOM: Dang. There went our excuse, Crow.

>The Even More Continuing Chronicles of Patamon: Professional Cab Driver

MIKE: The Son of the Even More Neverending Continuation of the Limitless
Chronicles That Have No End Part II.


>By The Infamous Boss Reo

CROW: Now he's "Infamous." It took only two chapters of this crap to build a
reputation.


>"Mail call!" Gomamon shouted,

TOM: SOOOO-EEEEEE, MAIL MAIL MAIL!

>he casually looked through the huge pile as he carried it across the 
>garage.

CROW (Gomamon): This is one huge hemorrhoid.

MIKE: That's gross, Crow.


>"Junk." he said, tossing away a college scholarship fund for Agumon.


>"Junk." he said, tossing away a letter informing Agumon he was being 
>evicted.

CROW: No pets allowed, even if you personally are the pet.


>"Junk." he said, tossing Agumon's paycheck.

MIKE (Gomamon): Agumon's Chinese boat: junk!


>"Ooh! My issue of 'Barely Legal Digimon'!" he shouted with glee, holding up 
>a magazine with a Floramon on the cover,

TOM (Gomamon): Look at me, everybody! I can't get a real date!

>"I'll be in the bathroom!" he said, giggling madly and locking himself in 
>the bathroom.

CROW (Agumon): Oh, that's the bathroom. I thought it was an exceptionally 
busy
closet.

>"Hey come on! I need to use the toilet!" Tentomon pleaded, banging on the 
>bathroom door, "I knew I shouldn't have eaten that chile con carne!"

MIKE: Cripes, he ate an entire South American country! That, or he can't 
spell
"chili."


>Agumon took the rest of the mail and looked through it carefully, "Oh! 
>Looks like Patamon's being called to the DMV."

CROW: Oh, goody. We get to watch him wait in line at the DMV. Thank you, 
fanfic.
What next, we get to watch paint dry?!

MIKE: Should he be reading other people's mail?


>SHOOOM!

TOM: Was that Tentomon's stomach?

CROW: Geez, Gomamon, surrender the bathroom before somebody gets hurt.


>He looked over at Tentomon and saw that he made a large hole in the 
>bathroom door.

TOM: Let the slash begin!

>"AAAAAGH! DON'T COME IN HERE!" Gomamon shouted, "I DON'T CARE!" Tentomon 
>shouted back,

MIKE: Okay, which one said "I don't care"? The commas give no clue.

>and he threw Gomamon out of the bathroom, who landed with a thud while his 
>pants were on halfway. (He's a mechanic, he has to wear pants.)

CROW: New York State law requires all mechanics wear pants that bag all the 
way
to their buttcracks.

MIKE: I think that law applies to plumbers, too.

>"Give me my magazine!" Gomamon shouted, suddenly his issue of 'Barely Legal 
>Digimon' was thrown at him, hitting him in the face.Agumon sweatdropped

TOM: Action sweat!

>and continued to go through the mail.

MIKE (Agumon): Where's my paycheck? And who left my sampan out on the floor?


>VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

CROW (Waylon Jennings): Them Duke boys wuz at it agin, but Boss Hogg, he had 
an
idee....


>SKRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCH!

TOM: Spelling error! There's no "K" in
"scrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeecccch."


>And with that, announced the arrival of Digimon Cab Co.'s best driver, as 
>the cab once again came crashing in and impacting into another car.


>"Hey Patamon! Pefect timing!" Agumon said happily, "You got a letter from 
>the DMV."

TOM (Agumon): The stamp's upside-down. That means the DMV loves you.

>Patamon flew from his cab, which was parked on top of another car.

CROW: So, it's a typical New York parking place.

>"Hmmm, license renewal already?" he asked, his cab then collapsed into the 
>car it was parked on, "Guess I'll have to take a day off." he turned to 
>Agumon, "You don't mind, do you?"

MIKE (Agumon): Not looking at you for twenty-four hours? I'll manage!

>"No problem!" Agumon said assuringly, "I'll just have Palmon fill in for 
>you."

TOM (Palmon): Thanks for dragging me into this mess, chump!

>in the background, Gomamon and Tentomon were now wrestling each other for 
>the bathroom, toilet paper sticking to Tentomon's foot.

CROW: How did Tentomon step in TP while flying?


>It was a lovely day in the city, the birds were chirping, the grass was 
>growing,

MIKE: Innocent bystanders were getting shot,

>and the digimon were driving happily.

TOM, MIKE, and CROW (Digimon): Wheeeee! We're driving and we're so 
happyyyyy!


>"NEXT!" Gatomon shouted through the crowded DMV building, "Oh........I'ts 
>you again." she said, glaring at Patamon.

CROW: Interesting use of the apostrophe.

>"Aw come on! What did I do wrong this time?" Patamon asked,

MIKE (Patamon): I mean, besides make those funny pig noises while your dad 
was
eating?

>"Well let's just see, shall we?" Gatomon said, she reached under the 
>counter and pulled out a huge pile of papers, setting them down on the 
>counter, even though they crashed through it and landed on the floor.

TOM: Wow, Gatomon set those papers down on a counter that isn't even there
anymore! I'm impressed.


>"Here we are...." she said, taking the top paper, "Reckless endangerment of 
>only 28 pedestrians,

MIKE (Patamon): Well, I only counted the ones clinging to the hood ornament.

>reckless endangerment of only 50 pokemon, reckless endangerment of only 10 
>mimes........." she threw the paper aside, taking the next one below it.

TOM: That was going nowhere, let's try this one instead.

>"You drove through the city mall only twice,

CROW: There's only one mall in all of New York?

>the subway only four times, the city park just once........."

TOM: And just one park, too. New York must be shrinking.

>"That was some big air!" Patamon said, smiling,

MIKE: New York City smog - thick enough to drive on.

>"I'M NOT DONE YET!" Gatomon snapped, slapping Patamon on the head with her 
>pointer.

CROW: Be nice to that pointer! Boy, I've heard of cats hating dogs, but this 
is
ridiculous.


>"I'm ordering you to watch this educational film on driving!" she said, 
>pulling out a projector and a viewing screen,

MIKE: We have to read a story about people watching a movie? What's with 
that?!

>"LIGHTS!"

CROW: Less filling!

TOM: Taste yecchy!


>The entire building went dark as the projector started up,

TOM (DMV Customer): Uh, I'm here to tag my car. Do I have to watch this?

>showing a black and white movie with choppy music in the background.

CROW (Carl Douglas): Everybody was KUNG FU FIGHTING! HUH! Those cats....

MIKE: No.

CROW: Sorry.

>The movie focused on Elecmon, wearing dark framed glasses and a suit, he 
>had his hands folded as he sat at a desk.

TOM (Elecmon): It's just a jump to the left....


>"Hairbringers of sorrow," he started,

CROW (Elecmon): Bringing you sad hair since 1974.

MIKE: I think he means "harbingers," Crow.

CROW: Then why didn't he say that?

MIKE: Uh....

>"Natural disasters can lead to tremendous amounts of stress.

TOM (Elecmon): But not always. Why, I remember this one hurricane where I 
could
not stop laughing!

>And a reckless driver is no exception."

MIKE (Elecmon): A reckless passenger, now that's an exception.


>The movie then came to a scene of a 1950's-ish family, "Here we have the 
>Kamiya Family enjoying a day out for a picnic,

MIKE (Hikari): I found a turtle!

CROW (Mother): That's nice, dear.

MIKE (Hikari): Does anybody want to see a turtle?

CROW (Mother): Eat your egg salad, dear.

>suddenly Taichi hears a noise in the distance.

TOM (Taichi): Hark! Do I hear the stealthy approach of a reckless driver?

>Little Hikari seems frightened,

CROW: But really isn't.

>but have no fear Hikari! Taichi has studied what to do in case of a 
>reckless driver."

MIKE: Now if he could just remember it....

>the film shows Taichi throwing the picnic blanket over the entire family, 
>before joining them underneath it,

TOM: Wrong! Pulling the covers over your head only works on monsters!

>"That's right Taichi." Elecmon says,

MIKE (Elecmon): You have no brains at all.

>"Duck and cover!" the film then shows a car driving over the blanket, and 
>the family comes out unscathed,

TOM (Taichi): Where'd all our scathes go?

MIKE (Hikari): Taichi, you didn't even try to save that turtle! I hate you.

>"So what do you do when you see or hear a reckless driver coming your way?" 
>the film shows Yamato and Jyou riding bikes,

CROW (Jyou): Thanks for letting me ride with you!

TOM (Yamato): You're not with me. Go away.

CROW (Jyou): I think we make a keen team!

TOM (Yamato): Shut up. Get away from me.

>then getting down on the ground and covering themselves,

CROW (Jyou): Wow, Yamato, I didn't know you cared!

TOM (Yamato): Scram!

>"That's right: Duck and cover."

MIKE (Elecmon): Because you don't want to see this.

>then a car drives over the two

TOM (Yamato): Oh, no, my poor little brother! I'm not there to protect him! 
(Sobs.)

CROW (Jyou): Uh, you could protect me....

TOM (Yamato): I said BEAT IT, spaz!

>and they come out unhurt, "Looks like they got the idea!"

MIKE: Yeah, from Leopold von Sacher-Masoch.


>DUCK AND COVER

CROW (Jyou): I think you're neat.

TOM (Yamato): Shove off!

MIKE (Hikari): Doesn't anybody want to see my turtle?!


>"Thank you and good night."

CROW (Elecmon): You've been a great audience! I love Cleveland, let's hear 
it
for the Browns!


>The film then ends and the lights go back on, most of the people in the 
>building are now asleep,

MIKE: Along with the audience.

>Gatomon frowns and looks over the crowd. "AND SO......." she yelled, waking 
>everyone up, "You are now going to take your driving test. AGAIN."

TOM (Gatomon): Into the Batpigmobile!

>Patamon sighed and lowered his wings, "You don't think there is some other 
>way I can get past this? Like maybe dinner and a movie?" he asked, winking 
>at Gatomon, "NO." she replied, whacking him over the head again with her 
>pointer.

CROW (Patamon): C'mon, we can go to a drive-thru window, and I'll really 
drive
through it. Then I can convert Radio City into a drive-in....


>"Alright now," Gatomon said,

MIKE (Free): Baby, it's all right now!

>looking through her clip board as she sat down in Patamon's cab,

TOM (Patamon): Hey, cool see-through clipboard!

CROW (Joey Buttafuoco): Hey, I'm Joey Buttafuoco. Wear your seat belt at all
times, and....

MIKE: Wait, do we really want to associate people like Woody Allen and Jerry
Seinfeld with some greasy old guy who slept with a teenaged girl? Okay, 
scratch
that.

>"We'll start with the basics."

CROW (Gatomon): This is a car. It has four wheels, five if you count the 
spare.

TOM (Patamon): Wait, you're going too fast!

>"Yes Ms. Gatomon." Patamon said dully as he pulled out into the driving 
>course. The cab screeched to a halt and waited for the light to turn green,

CROW: Patamon and Gatomon continued on ahead.

>"Make sure to adjust your rear view mirror." Gatomon instructed, "And check 
>for pedestrians." there were a few cardboard cut-outs of people littered 
>through out the course,

MIKE (Patamon): Nope, no pedestrians, just a bunch of cardboard cut-outs. 
It's
okay if I hit those, right?

>Patamon reved the engine a litte,

TOM: Why is this part of the fic written in German?

>making the cab roar. "Good, now begin the course." Gatomon said, the light 
>in front of the car suddenly turned green, and the yellow cab drove out in 
>a frenzy, crashing through a fake hot dog cart.

CROW: What color was the fake hot dog cart?

TOM: I thought all the hot dogs sold from carts were fake.

>"Hmmm...." Gatomon scribbled down on her clip board.

MIKE (Gatomon): You were supposed to hit that real hot dog cart over there.

TOM (Gatomon): You spell "Hmmm...." with three M's, right?

>The cab made a sharp turn to the left, plowing through a group of cardboard 
>people. Gatomon nodded and scribbled down some more in her clip board.

CROW (Gatomon): Don't mind me, I'm making a grocery list.


>"Look out for any pokemon!" she instructed, "Right." Patamon replied with a 
>dull face, suddenly a stuffed pikachu sprang out on the road,

TOM (Pikachu): Man, I am FULL! I have to stop going to the All-You-Can-Eat
buffets.

>the cab veered towards it and smashed through it.

CROW (Pikachu): Well, at least I ate a nice last mealllll!

>"Mmmhmm.." Gatomon said, writing down more as stuffing flew from the 
>stuffed pokemon.

TOM: I always figured Pokemon prefer Stove-Top to potatoes.

>More stuffed Pikachu's sprang up, and the cab continued to plow through 
>them.

MIKE: I guess they forgot to "DUCK AND COVER, DUCK AND COVER!!!"

>Suddenly Patamon jammed on the brakes, stopping at an intersection. "Now 
>for the next part of the test." Gatomon said,

MIKE (Gatomon): Ignore all the minorities and pick up only white fares.

TOM: That's bleak, Mike. True, but bleak.

>she pulled out a walkie-talkie, "Send out Myotismon." she said into it, a 
>car suddenly pulled up next to Patamon's cab, Myotismon driving it. 
>"Ready?" Gatomon asked, "Yes Ms. Gatomon." Patamon responded, a bored look 
>on his face.

TOM (Gatomon): Well, I'm not. Give me a second.

>He looked at Myotismon, Myotismon looked back,

CROW: Love blossomed, they bought a little condo on Fire Island....

>both of them revved up their cars, waiting for the light to turn green, 
>Patamon pressed his foot against the gas a little more,

TOM: And ran the red light. Oops!

>bringing the cab to a loud roar of the engines.

MIKE (Patamon): Cab, this is a loud roar of the engines. Loud roar, this is 
my cab.

CROW: Meanwhile, five miles up ahead, Dick Dastardly and Muttley are trying 
to cheat.

TOM: Get in your damn car and DRIVE, Dick! You're in the lead!


>The light suddenly flashed green,

CROW (Traffic Light): Wheeee! I'm nekkid!

>and both cars took off in a blur. Patamon's cab sped up ahead of 
>Myotismon's,

TOM ("Speed Racer" narrator): Myotismon is secretly Patamon's secret older
brother in a secret disguise.

>suddenly Myotismon's car crashed into a fruit stand, then plowing through 
>some crates with chickens in them.

MIKE: Yet somehow, he missed the two glaziers carrying the giant pane of 
glass.

>"It's a living." Myotismon muttered, a chicken landing on his head.

TOM (Chicken): You wouldn't happen to know the Great Gonzo, would you?


>A little while later, Patamon's cab screeched into the parking lot of the 
>DMV, crashing into a car parked in front of him.

TOM: Then into a car behind him...

CROW: Then into the car next to him...

MIKE: Then into the car on the other side....

>"Well, that does it for parallel parking." Gatomon said, jotting down on 
>her clip board,

MIKE (Gatomon): Why do we even test for this anymore? Everyone uses covered
parking or their car gets stripped.

>"Time to look over your score." Patamon looked back at her, eager to know 
>how he did, "You missed two of the designated 28 Pikachus.." she said, 
>looking over her paper, "You only plowed through two restaraunts, you hit 
>only one person in a wheel chair, you ran over only five vendors, you 
>destroyed only one news stand."

MIKE (Gatomon): You failed to leave the course and start hitting real 
targets...

TOM (Gatomon): You didn't destroy any landmarks, like the Statue of Liberty 
or
Mayor Giuliani's wig...

CROW (Gatomon): AND you went to Staten Island. Flunk!

>she said, looking at her paper, which showed no writings at all, but only a 
>little doodle of a stick figure Gennai with little squiggly lines around 
>him with a bubble saying "I'm Mr. Stinky."

CROW: This fanfic is what "Digimon" would be like if John Kricfalusi made 
it.

>"So how did I do?" Patamon asked, "Well, besides that, you passed!" Gatomon 
>said, smiling.

MIKE: I think that means he spelled his name right, and mucked up everything
else.

>Patamon gve a victory sign and smiled to himself,

TOM (Patamon): Spelled my name right! Now I can move on to trying to spell
"gave" right.

>"And as for that dinner and movie.." Gatomon said, getting out of the cab,

CROW (Gatomon): Nope, sorry. I've got a hot date with Toonces.

>"How bout you pick me up tonight at seven?"

MIKE (Gatomon): And drop me off at the airport? I going back to Tokyo.


>Th' End!

TOM: Yay!

CROW: All right!

MIKE: 'Bout time!

>(Until The next installment.)

TOM: Boo.

CROW: I don't think so.

MIKE: We're outta here.


(MIKE, TOM, and CROW exit the theater. Doors slam as we return to the living
quarters, which are immaculately clean. GYPSY is waiting as MIKE, CROW, and 
TOM
enter.)

GYPSY: Guys! Kusomon just left. Cambot's got a link-up to her so you can 
tell
her good-bye.

MIKE: WHAT?! Kusomon, come back!


(Onscreen: a hood-mount shot of a taxicab travelling through an industrial 
zone.
PATAMON drives. KUSOMON rides shotgun.)

KUSOMON: Oh, Mike, Gypsy doesn't need me anymore. You and Crow and Tom are
finally giving her the respect she deserves by pitching in and helping her 
take
care of the ship.

MIKE: Well, yeah, we should have been doing that in the first place.

TOM: And we'll keep on doing it, and not because we're afraid you'll return 
and
show us your "Overflow Overhand" attack.

CROW: It's because Gypsy is our friend. Friends help each other out. You've
shown us what friendship can do. (Whispers.) Too syrupy, right, Mike?

MIKE (Whispers): A little, but we're saying good-bye, so it's all right.

KUSOMON: Well, it doesn't have to be forever. You can join me here as I take
charge of the cab company. All the others are going home to help their 
friends.

PATAMON: Kusomon's an inspiration to all of us! She's shown that we Digimon
can make a difference. We're following her lead and getting good results 
with
our friends. Agumon and Gatomon joined the rest of the family in therapy,
Biyomon's got Sora on a normal diet again, Jyou's keeping his promise to 
Gomamon
not to go to those park bathrooms anymore....

KUSOMON: And I think Koushirou's deprogramming is going well. It certainly
gives me hope for tonight's intervention with Mimi.

PATAMON: And once Yamato and Takeru are out of juvie, Gabumon and I can go 
home
and work on them!

KUSOMON: That's why I left, Mike. With my work with Gypsy finished and 
everyone
else going home, somebody has to stay and run the Digimon Cab Co. I'll be 
fully
trained by the time Patamon and Gabumon leave. I've got a couple of favors 
to do
for you before we start tonight's rounds. First, I've arranged a way for you 
to
escape.

(MIKE, GYPSY, CROW, and TOM cheer.)

KUSOMON: Then we can all be together again! All you have to do is-


(The feed is cut. Onscreen: snow and white noise. MIKE, TOM, CROW, and GYPSY
howl in agony.)

MIKE: Cambot! Get her back!


(Onscreen: Deep Thirteen. DR. FORRESTER chuckles evilly at the camera. 
Behind
him, TV'S FRANK sips his coffee and listens to headphones.)

FORRESTER: Don't worry, Mike. You can talk to your little crab-monkey-bear 
thing
once Frank has defused her plan. She's still talking, right, Frank?

FRANK: Yup! Doesn't even know we're cutting in. She jury-rigged an escape 
pod
from old solar panels and powered it with a forced tachyon beam.

FORRESTER: And you can stop that?

FRANK: Sure. I'll ramp up some tachyon particles of my own. You can do 
ANYTHING
with tachyon particles. (Adjusts knobs to block the escape pod.)

FORRESTER: Well, too bad, Nelson. Here, I'll let you explain why you won't 
be
joining her. We'll be listening in, so don't cheat and try to make new 
plans.


(Onscreen: the cab.)

KUSOMON: ...deploy the parachute and you're home free.

MIKE: Sorry, Kusomon, it looks like this really is good-bye. The Mads picked
up your signal and destroyed the escape pod. Gee, it seems like we just got 
to
know you.

TOM: Yeah, you really made a difference.

CROW: You're the nicest Digimon I've ever met. And I'm not saying that 
because
you're the only one I've ever met.

GYPSY: I'll miss you, Kusomon. I love you!

KUSOMON: I love you, too, Gypsy.

PATAMON: This is it. Gizmonic Institute, Deep Thirteen. (Pulls over.)

KUSOMON: Thanks, Pat. Bye-bye, gang. Hopefully we'll see each other again
soon. I'm going to do you that other favor now. Be right back, Pat. (Exits 
the
cab and moves out of the shot.) Kusomon digivolve to...TOIREMON!

PATAMON: Whoa...creepy!

(TOIREMON shakes the ground with each step as she crosses behind the cab. 
She is
too tall for her head to be seen through the rear window, but it is clear
TOIREMON has no arms, and what appears to be a gunsight for a tail. The
transmission ends.)


(Onscreen: FRANK and FORRESTER.)

FORRESTER: Did he say "Deep Thirteen?"

(FRANK sets his cup down and runs away silently.)

MIKE: Kusomon...Toiremon...old friend, we are going to owe you a big one.

CROW: Oh, this is going to be so good! Five bucks says Toiremon gets Frank
first.

TOM: Make it ten, and I'll gladly pick Dr. F.

GYPSY: Isn't it great when friends help friends?

(FORRESTER glances back where FRANK was standing and realizes he is alone.)

FORRESTER: Bye, Mike! (Exit.)

FRANK (VO): Over here, sir! I found a hiding place!

FORRESTER (VO): Good. Go back and push the button.

(Deep Thirteen shakes as TOIREMON approaches FRANK and FORRESTER'S 
location.)

FRANK (VO): But, sir...!

FORRESTER (VO): Push the button, Frank.


(FRANK enters and pushes the button. Credits roll over the sound of FRANK 
and
TOIREMON'S footsteps, a squish, and a splat.)

FRANK (VO): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

CROW (VO): YES! Ten smackers!

FORRESTER (VO): All clear, Frank?

FRANK (VO, muffled): Sure. Why not.


>"That was some big air!"


(Special thanks to "The Infamous Boss Reo" for his permission to use his 
work in
this project. MST3K property of Best Brains Inc, Digimon property of Bandai 
Toys
and Toei Animation, used without permission.)