MST3K Digimon Lemonade! by don Jaime del Resfriado (James Reinbold) (jdreinbold@hotmail.com) Synopsis: When the Mads give Mike and the 'bots lemons -- terrible, terrible Digimon porn -- they make lemonade. Chapter 1: "Cody Expresses His Love For Izz!" by Spazoid Barney Chapter 2: "VEEMON GETS LUCKY" by SHADOW GUYVER 007 Chapter 3: "Lonely Brothers" by Eric Strife Chapter 4: "I Need A Woman!" by animefreak72 Chapter 5: "The Impossible Accident" by Taito's Child Chapter 6: "Camping Out" by Sailor Goo-Chan, Yaoi Senshi Chapter 7: "The Princess and the Computer Genius" by Kojiro Arigatou Chapter 8: "Getting a Charge Out of Elecmon" by Togashi Tsuke Chapter 9: "On Purpose" by Christine Chapter 10: "Nature" by Lilac This chapter: Friends don't help friends get written into Digimon hentai, unless they're friends of the author of "Veemon Gets Lucky." (Doors open into the theater, where the next fanfic is downloading. MIKE, TOM, and CROW enter and sit down.) >Veemon Gets Lucky MIKE: Then he can't be in this! CROW: Found: Three legged dog, one eye, one ear, neutered. Call Veemon. >by >Shadow Guyver 007 TOM: Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of Digifanfiction? This guy knows. CROW: He has a license to kill...your appetite. >Author's Note: MIKE: "Pick up kids after soccer practice." >This was another request by Christine. TOM: That I get off my lazy butt and get to work. >If you find the thought of a human and a Digimon having sex offensive, turn >back now. CROW (Mindy from "Animaniacs"): Okay, I love you, buh-bye! >BTW, this has nothing to do with the previous Christine Lemon (She Who >Loved The Emporer) MIKE: Some woman ASKED to be in crappy porno fics? What the hey? TOM: It's not a good sign when you're too lazy to do your own self-insertion. >and follows the storyline of SonimodB's first Christine Lemon (Unexpected >Relations). CROW: I'm scared. She WANTED to be in a story by the "Alone For the Night" guy. TOM (Takeru): Bonk! Ow! Bonk! Ow! Bonk! Ow! Bonk! Ow! Bonk! Ow! MIKE (SonimodB): Okay, Christine, just bang your head into anything stationary, I'll think of something sexy for you to do in a minute! >****************************************************************************** >DemiVeemon sat in the bedroom of his human partner, Davis, wondering why >this thing humans called a "date" could take so long. TOM (DemiVeemon): We've had dinner, we saw the movie, we kissed good night, IT'S OVER, DAVIS! >Davis had said he was going to take Yolei out for dinner and then to a >movie and that he would be back in three or four hours. CROW: But Yolei never accepts his dates, so he's usually back in fifteen minutes. >It had been six hours already and Veemon was getting worried. MIKE: What happened to DemiVeemon? >"I hope that they didn't decide to have sex again. TOM: Yeah, join the club, pal. >If they have, then they could be out all night 'cause Yolei will probably >want to drag Kari, T.K. and Cody into it. CROW (Veemon): Anybody to distract Davis. >Although, if they are getting laid, I couldn't blame Davis. MIKE (Veemon): He hasn't had his pubes yet. >I mean, he IS a teenager and his hormones ARE out of control in this stage >of his life. I just wish that he wouldn't take so long. TOM: A minute seems like a lifetime to Veemon. >How many times can they do it in one night?" he thought. CROW: Let's see...add the three, carry the remainder...once. If Davis hits his pubes between now and dessert. >Suddenly, a DigiPort opened on Davis's television. MIKE: Man, Ted Turner owns everything. >"Hmm. That's odd." said DemiVeemon as he reached out to touch the screen. CROW (DemiVeemon): These things are supposed to come up on a computer monitor. TOM: And DemiVeemon returns. I hope he brought us some souvenirs from wherever he went. >He instantly Digivolved to Veemon and transported to the DigiWorld. "I >thought I couldn't get here without Davis. CROW (Veemon): And since I can't digivolve without him, anybody who wants to can toast me. What the hell was I thinking, coming here alone?! >This is getting wierder by the minute." he said to noone in particular. MIKE: The guy from Herman's Hermits is there? >"Well.... how was... that?" Veemon did a one-eighty and turned to see the >bush that had apparently spoken. CROW: Veemon, lead my people out of Egypt! TOM: God sounds surprisingly like William Shatner. >"It was.... terrific... my love." MIKE (William Shatner): Lucy...in the...sky...at...Priceline.com! >After a few seconds of hearing heavy breathing and some rustling in in the >bush, Kari stepped out CROW (Kari): You noticed the talking plant, too, Veemon? >and nearly tripped over Veemon, who recognized her as the second voice. TOM: There were two voices? I couldn't tell. >"Veemon! What are you doing here?" she asked, trying to wipe the sweat from >her clothes. MIKE: Her clothes wick the moisture from her skin. >"I don't know." he replied CROW (Veemon): I am as dumb as a box of rocks. >"I was sitting in Davis's room waiting for him to get back from his date >with Yolei when his T.V. opened a DigiPort and sucked me in here." TOM: The operative word being "sucked." CROW: Uh, you stepped into the Digiport voluntarily, Veemon. >"That is odd." came the reply from the first voice. MIKE (First voice): I get the feeling somebody's eavesdropping on my Captain Kirk impressions. >As its owner stepped out, Veemon recognized it as.... CROW: His third-grade teacher, Mrs. Shoemaker! >"YOLEI?! I thought you were with Davis!" said a shocked Veemon. TOM (Veemon): Davis lied to me! I can't believe Davis told a lie! Uh.... >"Davis and I just do that for cover. CROW (Yolei): He's breaking into Kari's house while I distract her. >He says he's going out with me, but he's actually been sneaking off to the >all-night arcade over on Osaka Street. MIKE (Yolei): That boy is a fiend for Skee-Ball. >Meanwhile, I've been slipping here to the DigiWorld to be with Kari." TOM: They went to the Digital World, where somebody's always trying to kill them, without Gatomon and Hawkmon, to make out and get distracted so they'd be easier targets. Sure. >Much to the surprise of Veemon, Yolei reached over and gave her lover a >deep kiss that lasted nearly a minute. CROW (Veemon): Davis doesn't take me because I always beat him at Tekken, right, guys? Guys? >"Promise you won't tell anyone?" asked Kari. MIKE (Veemon): I'm blocking this out of my mind already. >"Nobody'd believe me if I did." replied Veemon. TOM (Veemon): It is that smegging stupid. >"Maybe you need a little 'convincing'." said Yolei. "Hey, Christine! I got >a job for ya!" she yelled off into the bushes. MIKE (Kari): The phone company needs temps to stuff envelopes! CROW: Ah, the Digital World, where there's a girl lurking in every shrub. >A few seconds later, the most gorgeous girl Veemon had ever seen stepped >into the small clearing. TOM: And how the hell did she get here? Did a Digiport magically pop open on her TV, too? >She had blonde hair that hung down slightly past her shoulders, MIKE: It was growing out of her ears. >medium-sized breasts that bounced when she walked, CROW: They're made of rubber! >and she was wearing probably the sexiest skirt-and-tube top combo on Earth. >Or in the DigiWorld, for that matter. TOM: Nah, there's a woman in Dar es Salaam with a sexier one. MIKE: However, the effect was spoiled by the skanky contents. >The tube top was little more than a black band that went across the center >of her breasts CROW: Aren't black bands in the Digital World controlled by evil? MIKE: She's an integral part of Ichijouji Ken's plan to gross the Digidestined out of existence. >and if the red skirt was any higher it would be a blouse. TOM: The new skirt-with-sleeves look doesn't do anything for me. >She looked down at Veemon and said, "Hi. I'm Christine. I'll be your lover >for tonight. MIKE (Christine): Will you be ordering or do you want the salad bar? >Do with me what you will." TOM (Christine): I love dorky blue creatures who talk like Shemp Howard! CROW (Veemon): I think I'll pass on you. Who's hiding behind the next bush? >Once again, Veemon was shocked. "I hate to break it to ya, toots, but I >don't do humans. CROW (Veemon): Or windows. >Now, if you could get me Gatomon....." (CROW and TOM titter.) MIKE: Yeah, Johnny Carson, "I'll gladly pet your pussy if you'll only move your cat." I thought of that, too. TOM: It's funny, Mike! CROW: A classic! >Kari shook her head. "Nope. She's off with Palmon and Biyomon. MIKE (Joan Cusack): Is the WHOLE WORLD gay?! >Besides, she wouldn't screw you if you two were the last creatures in >existance. CROW (Veemon): Thanks for letting me down gently.... >She's a lesbian." >"You mean like you two?" Veemon asked, pointing to Kari and Yolei. MIKE (Kari): No, we're Cretans. Get it, "cretins?" A-ha-ha! TOM: Aegean geography and bad puns don't mix, Mike. >Kari laughed. "No, we're just bisexual. CROW (Kari): We're oysters. >But, truth be known, women are far better than men. TOM (Kari): We're bisexual, but we prefer women. MIKE: Lesbians who aren't finicky and the men who love them. CROW: Next Donahue! >Men just don't know where and how to touch a woman to give her maximum >pleasure. TOM (Kari): We keep shaving our armpits and they never take the hint. >That's why sex with another woman is so rewarding." CROW: That might explain the bounty on it in five western states. MIKE: Wanted: Lesbians, preferably alive. >With this, she once again slid her tongue into Yolei's mouth. TOM (Yolei): Mmmph! A little warning first! >"Well, we gotta go." Kari said, breaking the kiss. MIKE, TOM, and CROW (The Kingsmen): Louie, Louie! Oh, no, no, no, no! >"Yeah, we'll see ya later, Veemon." Yolei said, flashing a wink in the blue >Digimon's direction. CROW (Yolei): We'll be the ones who identify you at the morgue! >"Hey! You can't just leave me here!" MIKE (Yolei): You came by yourself, you can go home alone, too! >Veemon's cries fell on deaf ears as the two girls walked away from where he >stood with the ever-so-gorgeous Christine. TOM (Veemon): So, I understand they call you the Black Widow.... >"Oh, yes they can!" the girl behind him said as she bent over, turned him >around and planted her lips on his, being sure to use her tongue to add to >the shock. MIKE: She's got a joy buzzer hidden by her salivary glands. >After about twenty seconds, Christine decided that kissing wasn't enough >and reached down to gently rub Veemon's groin. TOM (Veemon): I...can't...breathe! Let...go...of...my...mouth! CROW: Man, how whacked out do you have to be to find Pikachu and Smurfette's love child sexually attractive?! >This latest action caused his six-inch dick to emerge from it's protective >pouch. TOM: Six inches? Veemon's only about a foot tall! MIKE: Pretty lousy pouch. It didn't protect him from this chick. >Christine felt this CROW: In the pit of her stomach. >and, taking the object into her hand, started to rub it until it was fully >erect. MIKE: And it absorbed the rest of Veemon's body inside it. >Breaking the kiss and looking down, she saw that it was white like his >torso, not blue like the rest of his body. TOM: He did have blue balls, however. MIKE: TOM! >"Ooh, this little guy's packing a big gun." she said. CROW: Blow her head off, Veemon, while you still can! TOM (Veemon): Seeing as this is a .44 Magnum.... >"I wonder what we can do with it." MIKE (Christine): We can trade it for toys at the police department. >"Y-y-you're not doing anything..." he was cut off TOM: AHHHHH! She emasculated him! Wa-a-a-a-ah! CROW: Oh, God, Mike, this is horrible! She just sliced his batch right off! MIKE: There, there, guys, it's just a fanfic. Veemon is okay. >as she kissed him and cradled his balls in her hand. MIKE: (Sings.) Hush, little testicles, don't say a word, Daddy's going to buy you a mockingbird! >"... that I won't allow." he finished after she broke the kiss. CROW (Veemon): And I won't allow you to do any more of this. Get away. >"That's a good boy." she said as she slipped off her shoes. TOM (Christine): Now fetch my slippers! Good dog! >"Mmmm. I love feeling the soft grass benath my feet. It's incredibly >comfortable and it makes me soooo horny." she said in a low, sseductive >voice. MIKE (Veemon): I guess this is a bad time to tell you Armadillomon "goes" here and he has hookworms.... >Christine then got on her knees and turned away from Veemon, pointing to >the clasp on her top. CROW: So look for, the union label...! >"Would you mind getting this for me, babe? TOM (Veemon): That's okay, it's already closed. >It's so hard for a weak, helpless girl like me to do something like that." CROW (Christine): Mommy still has to dress me! MIKE: I'm starting to wonder if she uses the tippy cup yet, or still drinks from a bottle. >Her phony helplessness worked like a charm. TOM: Phony helpless charms! They're magic'ly delicious! >Veemon walked over and unsnapped the small clasp. MIKE (Veemon): Boy, that was hard. Got any toothpicks you need broken in half? >Christine stood and turned around, holding the top against her breasts with >her left hand. MIKE (Christine): Ha! Bet you thought you were going to see these! >She slowly let her hand drop, revealing her busom inch-by-inch. CROW: She's finished at two inches down. >When the strip of cloth hit the ground, Veemon's tongue joined it. TOM: I believe the technical term for this is "facefault." >Her breasts were firm and round, with no eveidence of her ever wearing a >brassiere or any sort of swimsuit. MIKE: But you could easily see the scars from the whalebone in her corset. >Her pink nipples were already erect, begging for someone to play with them. CROW: Her nipples love a good game of Old Maid. TOM: Well, they're on one. >Just when Veemon thought the view couldn't get any better, it did. MIKE: The Moon eclipsed the Sun and he couldn't see an inch from his face. >Christine slowly slid her skirt down, letting her warm, juicy cunt touch >the cool air. TOM: And the air whips into a gale force wind as it flees the vicinity. CROW (Christine): Jesus, it's FREEZING out here! I wanna go home! >The short, well-trimmed blonde hairs were in a triangular shape just above >her entrance, seeming to point the way to pure pleasure. MIKE: "This way to the Egress." >Her labia was already open, indicating her arousal and showing off the >pink, appetizing flesh inside. TOM: She's flipped her privates inside out! CROW: The Amazing Reversible Woman! MIKE (Christine): And these are my Fallopian tubes, and over here's an ovary.... >Like the rest of her, there were no tanlines or any other markings on her >soft skin. CROW: She was pasty pale from never seeing the Sun. >Christine lay down on the grass, moaning softly at the touch of the cool >grass on her body. "Well, what are you waiting for?" she said. MIKE (Veemon): Yeah, real cute. Do you know who's opening Digiports at random? >Obediantly, Veemon walked over to her and lay down between her open legs. TOM: That's Veemon, all the backbone of a sea anemone. >He slowly started pushing himself in, CROW: He's building a den inside her. This is why you don't offer your area to small forest creatures. >illiciting moans from the girl as he moved his shaft into her soft folds. MIKE: Guess he didn't see the "Do Not Fold, Staple, or Mutilate" notice. TOM: These moans should remain illicit. >Once he was all the way in, he started to pull out, only to resheath his >sword. MIKE: Suddenly, we're reading a Cody fic about his kendo lessons. Not that I'm complaining.... >He started moving at a faster pace than Christine thought possible for one >of his stature, TOM: Yep, short people got no reason to live. >bringing her closer to orgasm with every downthrust. Veemon, however, >wasn't anywhere near orgasm. MIKE: This did not turn him on at all. CROW (Veemon): I'm sorry, I've had a lot on my mind recently. I should go. >He felt like he could go for hours before his climax overtook him. TOM: Days, even. It was that icky. >After a few minutes of being drilled into, CROW: Christine's teeth were screaming in agony. >Christine came for the first time that evening. TOM: You mean, she wasn't here till now? Then who's with Veemon? >However, it was not the last. Right after the first one subsided, she was >hit by another. This was repeated three times for a total of five orgasms >back-to-back, breaking her old record of four. MIKE: The author can do really basic addition. I never would have guessed that. CROW: She'd better stop and get some Gatorade in her before she passes out. >Wanting to try something different, TOM: Christine took up abstinence. >she pulled Veemon out of her and, sliding his body up hers, placed his >mouth over her right nipple and his hand over her left. MIKE (Christine): You must be thirsty after all that work. I know I am. CROW: Sure, Veemon, suck some more fluid out of her. She'll be Prune Woman. >Veemon's tongue started flicking at the pebbly surface while his lips >sucked on it, TOM: Sounds like he's sucking face with Mount Rushmore. >again causing his lover to moan in ecstasy. His fingers worked her other >breast, rubbing the nipple against his palm and massaging the soft flesh >with his fingers. CROW: Somehow, I like how his fingers both start and finish that sentence. >If all that wasn't enough, Veemon's dick was folded between his stomach and >hers, MIKE: Penis origami. Ick. >moving slightly every time he rubbed her tits and bringing her added >pleasure. TOM: Yes, the sternum, a largely unexplored errogenous zone. >His hand and mouth switched places every now and then, CROW: Cartoons are fun. Your mouth can pop off your face and migrate to the end of your arm. >giving her equal pleasure on both fronts. MIKE: And I thought I did bad puns! >After a couple of minutes of this treatment, she exploded in orgasm once >again. TOM: KA-BOOOOOOOM! CROW: Nobody "has" orgasms, they "explode" with them. MIKE: The Geneva Convention wants orgasms banned. >Veemon then got an idea of his own. CROW: He was going to run like hell. >He let go of her chest, slid downward and placed his lips at her >soaking-wet pussy. MIKE: Beware the riptide of her orgasms. TOM: Warning: No lifeguard on duty. >He gave it a teasing lick, making Christine shudder and moan. He savored >the honey/cinnamon taste of her juices as they rolled over his tongue. TOM (Veemon): Do you have anything in piņa colada flavor? MIKE: I've got some honey/cinnamon Jelly Bellies that are going in the trash. CROW: Hee hee! Mike ate area-flavor jelly beans! >He gave it a few more licks, a little higher each time, until his tongue >was mere centimeters from her pleasure center. CROW: Ooh, metric sex! Good thing we're Americans and don't know how to convert this fic. >Veemon licked circles around it, causing her breath to quiken TOM: 3.0 for Windows. >each time he came close to it. Then, without warning, he plunged in. MIKE: I never would have thought of using a plumber's helper as a sex toy. >Chrstine screamed in pleasure, pushing his face deeper into her folds. TOM: And smothering him. >His tongue roamed over every inch of her flesh as if it were an explorer >who had just discovered Atlantis. CROW (Donovan): WAY DOOOOOWN BELOW THE OCEAN! WHERE I WANNA BE, 'cause then I'll have drowned and won't have to read any more of this! >His right hand moved up to tweak the small pink nub just above the labia, MIKE: That's called the navel. She must be an outie. >gently rolling it between thumb and forefinger and incresing her pleasure >to the point of orgasm once again. CROW: Christine's out to break Madonna's lifetime record in this one fic! >Veemon lapped up the juices that spilled out, sucking on the lips so as not >to miss any of the sweet fluid. TOM: Is this still better than "Los Luchadores"? MIKE: Yes, but not by much. >Christine pulled herself out from under Veemon and pushed him onto his >back, CROW (Christine): I've had only thirty-two orgasms. You're not doing it right! >his erection reaching up as if to touch the sky. MIKE: There's a purple haze in all our brains by now.... >She crawled over to him TOM: She wasn't there already, to push him on his back? Where does she keep wandering off to? >and wrapped her lips around the shaft, sucking gently at first, then more >forcefully. MIKE: Y'know, by now Arukenimon should have appeared, tried to kill them, and failed miserably two or three times. TOM: You're underestimating Arukenimon. She'd have bombed out five times by now, maybe six. CROW: You're both forgetting she has Mummymon with her. That'd be an even dozen. >Her left hand cradled his testicles CROW: Which is really all you can do with testicles. They just kinda lay there. >while her right hand went to massaging her pussy, TOM: Gatomon arrives. >which was still wet even after all the attention she had been getting from >her lover. MIKE: She can't dry off until she swims out of the four-foot-deep puddle of her own jism. >The feeling of his shaft in her mouth, the pounding her cunt was recieving >from her fingers and the constant moans from Veemon were enough to push >Christine over the edge once again. CROW: Oh, she's definitely faking at this point. She'd be completely dessicated if she had had all these orgasms. TOM: By now, I'm guessing Tutankhamun has more moisture in his body than Christine does. >Her hand and the ground beneath it got drenched in her cum as her body >responded to all the erotic feelings it was receiving. MIKE: All none of them. The nutritional content label on a carton of milk is more stimulating. >Christine could feel that she was extremely close to being totally >exhausted CROW: Having your orgasms in factors of eight will do that to you. >and that Veemon was close to his own orgasm, MIKE: They had known each other since Veemon was a frosh. >so she pulled her lips away from his dick, CROW: Oh-h-h-h-h! DENIED! TOM: All that way for nothin'! Sorry, Veemon! >letting her tongue linger on the head before completely pulling away. MIKE (Christine): Poor little simp! I'm satisfied and you're not! Ha, ha! >She then got on all fours, smiled seductively at Veemon and turned around. CROW: Oh, dear God, don't let her squeal like a pig! TOM (Ned Beatty): Weeeeee! CROW: I hate you, Servo. >Without hesitating, he jumped up, plunged himself into her rear entrance >and began rocketing in and out of her even faster than he had before. MIKE (Christine): BZZZZT! WRONG ANSWER! TOM (Dwayne Hickman): He missed the barn! CROW: Veemon, this is point blank range! Aim shouldn't have to enter into the picture at this point! >Christine couldn't believe how good this romp was. She'd had more orgasms >than she normally would in a single evening, MIKE: I'm not surprised. I lost count at 502. TOM: Even one is more than none. >her lover was obviously experienced, CROW: So experienced he can't tell an anus from a vagina. >he knew what she liked and she would still be able to get more from Kari >and Yolei afterwards. MIKE: No, she can't! They went home! >Balancing herself on her left hand, she reached up with her right to >massage her breasts and play with the nipples. TOM: Wait...she's actually balancing on her left and massaging with her right. Big difference. >Meanwhile, Veemon was beginning to feel his orgasm approaching and doubled >his efforts to make himself cum CROW: (Sings.) Double your efforts, double your come.... MIKE: CROW! >and give Christine one of the best orgasms of her life. TOM: I think she's had enough for one lifetime. >Her vaginal muscles were already starting to contract and his shaft was >pulsating wildly. MIKE: His superfly and foxy brown remained unaffected. >Veemon pulled out of Christine's ass and pushed himself into her main door >just as he started shooting his load. CROW: It's multiple choice sex. MIKE: Then he flunked. They count those wrong if you fill in all the circles. >Christine felt his seed pouring through her, TOM: Oats and wheats and barley grow...! >causing her biggest, most pleasurable orgasm of the evening overtake her >body. MIKE: If Richard Scarry wrote porn. >The intense pleasure caused her to close her eys raise her head to the sky >and scream as loud as her lungs would allow. MIKE, TOM, and CROW: Yip-yip-yip-awooooooooooooooooooooooo! Ow-ow-ow-owoooooooooooooooo! >She soaked the ground and Veemon's prick in her juices as her orgasm >continued with no sign of stopping. CROW (Veemon): You don't seem to need me anymore. Think I'll go home now. >After a full thirty seconds, it died down, TOM: That would be the audience's gag reflex. >Veemon pulled out of her and they lay side-by-side on the cool grass, >kissing each other lightly every now and then as they caught their breath. MIKE (Christine): You still respect me, right? >"So, what was it you said about screwing humans?" Christine said after a >few minutes. MIKE (Veemon): Never again. TOM (Veemon): You're screwy enough already. CROW (Veemon): Who said you're human? >"Anytime, babe." he replied. "Anytime." TOM (Veemon): But not with you. >Looking up at the sky, the two lovers could see that the sun was beginning >to set. MIKE: And sneezed from looking at the Sun. CROW: Not to mention the permanent eye damage. >"I've got a tent up on the other side of those bushes." she said, CROW: Uh-oh! We know what THAT means! TOM (Christine): Welcome to Transvestite City! >motioning to the shubbery that Kari and Yolei had emerged from earlier. CROW: Then how come when Veemon arrived, Kari and Yolei were at her tent and Christine was hiding behind another shrub entirely, hmmm, fanfic? >"Why don't we spend the night there? I'm sure Davis will find you in the >morning." MIKE (Christine): Dead. I'm sorry, did I say that? I meant, "Fed." I'll cook breakfast. >"Does he have to?" Veemon asked jokingly. TOM (Christine): Oh, I don't know. Probably not if the flies get to your corpse first. Sorry! Didn't mean that! >"Not if we don't want him to." she said in a low, sultry voice. CROW (Christine): Would you mind dismembering yourself and getting in that vat of lime? >Picking up her clothes, she disappeared into the bushes, followed a few >seconds later by Veemon. TOM: KILL THE BEAST! DRINK HIS BLOOD! I guess. >After a minute or so, moans of pleasure could be heard from behind the >plants. MIKE: Christine had another 94 orgasms just in the space of time it took her to walk to her tent. TOM: I'm dying to see her nine months from now, when she's explaining to her mom why the baby is sky blue. CROW (Christine): Mom, all babies come in decorator colors these days! >Meanwhile, in the real world..... MIKE: Good thing that was fake. >Davis lay in his bed, totally nude, snuggling up to his lover. TOM (Davis): Wonder where Veemon went. And who opened the Digiport on my TV set? >"Are you sure he won't find out?" he asked. CROW: And he is...? >"Positive." TOM: To positive, and negative to the engine block. >the mysterious female replied as she stood up and got dressed, her face >hidden by the shadows. MIKE: Guess the slut and win a goldfish. CROW: Hmm...Lady Devimon? TOM: I'll say Yolei's nameless sister. >"He sleeps like a log, so I had no trouble sneaking out of the house." CROW (Mysterious female): I just had to pick the manacles, disable the alarms, and kill the guard dog. >Walking back over to him, she kissed him on the lips before heading for the >door. "Same time next week?" she asked. MIKE: Come on, fanfic! Veemon isn't even in the story any more! END! TOM: END! CROW: ENNNNNND! >"You've got it, Mrs. Kamiya. I'll be waiting." he said as she exited the >room. TOM: Damn. Tai and Kari's mom. CROW: No goldfish for us. >After a few seconds, a gentle tapping was heard on his window. MIKE: Hey, read the sign! "Do not tease the underage gigolo!" >"It's unlocked, Mrs. Takenouchi." MIKE (Dustin Hoffman): Mrs. Takenouchi, I think you're trying to seduce me! CROW: Hide THIS in a hiding place where no one ever goes. >But the figure that slipped through the window was not Sora's mother. TOM: No, not Sora's father! He's in Kyoto, researching, uh, stuff! >"So, this is where Mom's been going every week. You know, I'm really >starting to wonder why you got the DigiEgg of Friendship." MIKE (Davis): Nobody bid against me for it. >Davis sat up in shock, pulling the sheets over him as he did so. CROW (Davis): It's a monster! Gotta hide! >"T-t-tai? MIKE (Davis): It's cold in here. Could you crank up the thermostat? >What are you doing here? Haven't you ever heard of invasion of privacy?" TOM (Tai): I have a search warrant. >"I have, but it seems you've invaded my mom's more than once. CROW: Awww. Tai cracked a joke about his mother's area. Isn't he precious? >This is just payback." TOM: Mel Gibson's worst movie. MIKE: It was better than this. >Tai said as he reached both hands out towards Davis' throat. CROW (Tai): You've got ring around the collar. >"Hey, a little fun never hurt anyone, right?" Davis said as thousands of >sweatdrops began cascading down his face. TOM: Action sweat - action sweat - action sweat - action sweat - action sweat - action sweat! MIKE: Yeah, this does abuse the whole anime sweatdrop deal. >"It does when that 'fun' concerns my family." CROW (Davis): Uh, would you like to talk to Yolei? She and Kari want to talk to you.... >Davis gulped. He had never seen Tai this angry. Even the famous >Tai-vs.-Matt brawls he had heard about had never been this bad. MIKE: Of course, he hadn't seen those, either. >He was beginning to wonder about his his lifespan and Tai's sanity. TOM: He's banging everybody's mom, and he has the nerve to question someone else's sanity?! >"There's no need for violence. CROW (Davis): Now, let us walk to the sea to make salt. >Look, I'll stop seeing your mom, MIKE (Davis): I'll keep my eyes closed when she sleeps over. >everbody else's mom, give you fifty bucks and we'll call it even. Whaddya >say?" TOM (Tai): Fifty bucks? On your allowance, it'll take you four years to finish paying me off! >The older one considered this for a moment, then dropped his hands. CROW: And they clattered to the floor. >"What are you going to do?" Davis asked, his calmness returning. MIKE: The calmness before the storm.... >"Something I should have done a long time ago." CROW (Tai): I'm going to change the filter in the AC. >Suddenly, Tai lunged at Davis, screaming his head off. TOM: Which one's screaming, Tai or Davis? MIKE: There's a difference between them? >"I'll teach you to mess with my family!" TOM (Tai): First, you tell my dad that grandma wore army boots.... >Angered by the pervert's attempted bribe, he grabbed Davis by the neck, >choking him with both hands. The smaller boy's eyes popped open and his >tongue shot out of his mouth Bart Simpson-style. CROW: Watch. Davis will distract Tai with a doughnut and a can of Duff's. >Just when Davis thought that his life was at an end, a thoroughly-nude Jun >walked into the room. MIKE (Davis): Why couldn't I die without seeing this?! Why, why, why? >"Hey, Davis. Mom wants to know... what's... going...on...in here." she said >as she saw Tai strangling her brother. CROW (Jun): She also wants to know why I'm wandering around buck naked. TOM: Why does everyone in this fic talk like they've had a lobotomy? >Putting her hands on her bare hips, she said, "Taichi Kamiya! You should >know better than to kill my brother without my permission! Hands off now!" MIKE (Jun): Dibs on killing Davis! >Obediantly, Tai let go of Davis' neck. "That's better." Jun said. "Now, as >punishment, you go into my room, strip and lay on the bed." TOM: The horror...! CROW: That's inhuman! MIKE: Sleeping with Jun is a punishment I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. >Tai slowly walked out of the room followed by Jun. TOM (Davis): I'll teach you to mess with my family! Er, you seem to have a good head start. I'll get back to you. >"Whew! That was close. I owe you one, Jun!" he called after her as he stood >up and began to dress. CROW: Tai left the room, but he's still talking! MIKE: No, this is Davis. CROW: The fic doesn't say that. MIKE: You're right, it's Tai. Must be a ventriloquist. >"Oh, you'll owe her a LOT more than that." an all-too-familiar voice said >behind him. Turning, he saw the one who had spoken: Matt. TOM: Matt wants to sleep with Jun, too?! MIKE: First no Arukenimon, then the 1,001 orgasms, now this, the fanfic isn't even trying anymore! >T.K., Cody, Yolei, Kari, Joe, Sora and Izzy were behind him, all climbing >through the big picture window. CROW (Rita Coolidge): Cloooose the window, come alive! >T.K. was carrying a baseball bat, Izzy had a computer mouse complete with >cord, MIKE: He's going to point and click Davis to death. >Cody had a kendo stick, Kari brandished a pair of handcuffs, TOM: Kari seems to have the wrong idea. >Matt carried a couple of garbage can lids, CROW: Guess he's going to play cymbals. >Yolei held a seven-iron TOM: I'd have gone with a number two wood myself. >and Joe had a mean-looking pair of nunchukus. TOM: Looks like Sora left her brass knuckles in the wash again. CROW: You guys have seen my friendly-looking nunchukus, right? MIKE: The ones with Andy Panda on them? CROW: Those are the ones. >Davis gulped as they stepped into his room, weapons ready. TOM (Davis): Couldn't Mimi make it? MIKE (Matt): Nah, she had piano practice. >"J-j-jun..." he said backing up, "you wouldn't happen to have any friends >you could call right now, would you?" CROW (Jun): Yeah, but you did their moms, too, so you're on your own! >The End MIKE, TOM, and CROW: Whew! >I don't know what you guys will think of this one, but I liked writing it. CROW: Well, it's all about you, isn't it? You, you, you! >The ending may not be what you were expecting, Christine, but it's been a >while since I did something truly comical. MIKE: Yeah, I think you were Bridey Murphy at the time. >Plus, the file seemed too short without it. TOM: That was a BAD thing?! >Anyway, I regret to inform you that I am temporarily retiring from Digimon >fanfiction. MIKE, TOM, and CROW: HOORAY! >I will still take requests, MIKE, TOM, and CROW: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! >although you won't get the fics back until at least September, maybe >December. CROW: But not October or November for sure. That's our big sales season. >I feel that I've gone as far as I can with Digital Monsters at the moment, TOM: Most would say you've gone too far. >and I need to work on several other fics that have been sitting around on >my computer gathering dust. I apologize to the vast majority of people out >there, but that's just the way things will be. MIKE: Wow! He apologized! I don't believe it! TOM: You want my sympathy? You should have sat on this fic longer. CROW: Yes, like the next couple of geological ages. (MIKE, TOM, and CROW exit the theater. Doors slam as we return to the living quarters. MIKE, TOM, and CROW enter.) MIKE: Well, this Christine woman seems to have some issues. CROW: No kidding. Who sends to other writers asking to be included in the plot? TOM: Really! What was her deal? (CHRISTINE enters.) CHRISTINE: Excuse me.... TOM: GAAAH! CROW: WHOA! MIKE: GEEZ! You're Christine, the craz...you were in the last fic. CHRISTINE: Was that me? I can't keep up. I just wanted to ask where the balls are. MIKE: What?! CHRISTINE: You know, the balls? Didn't the guy in green tell you I was coming? MIKE: Um...sirs? Do you know anything about this? (Onscreen: FRANK and FORRESTER.) FORRESTER: Ah, hello again, Nelson. I see you've met Christine. She asked us to put her on the Satellite. MIKE: And she's asking about balls! I don't care how long it's been since I've been with a woman, I am NOT sleeping with the mentally challenged. FORRESTER: Oh, relax! She's not interested in you. FRANK: She just wants to use the bowling alley. MIKE: I see! Bowling balls! CHRISTINE: Well, what else? I forgot to bring my own. By the way, is there a league I can join? MIKE: One moment. (Leans into the shot and whispers.) Sirs, get her out of here.... FORRESTER: Absolutely not! She asked very politely. Her missing friends, ex-lovers, and casual acquaintances had nothing to do with my decision to let her aboard. TOM: How many missing? FRANK: Can't be more than fifty. MIKE: Okay...um, Christine.... CHRISTINE: Yes? MIKE: Why don't you wait here and I'll go get your gear, all right? (CHRISTINE nods. MIKE shows crossed fingers to CROW and TOM behind his back.) Be right back! (Exits.) CROW: So. Christine. You look really different with your clothes on and no Digimon wedged between your legs. CHRISTINE: Thank you, I guess. How much does it cost to rent the shoes? TOM: How much have you got? (CHRISTINE stands arms akimbo and glares at TOM.) That came out wrong! I meant, uh, I mean, um, CROW! CROW: What he means is, it's Ladies' Night! Free shoe rental with every game. Uh, you're not going to have, like, ninety orgasms while you bowl and spoil the parquet, are you? (CHRISTINE glares at him.) Just checking. Thank God, here comes Mike. (MIKE re-enters carrying a spacesuit and a roll of Reynolds Wrap.) MIKE: This looks like your size. CHRISTINE: That's a lot more than a pair of shoes. MIKE: Uh, yes. This is Deep Space 3-D Bowling. You need extra equipment. Here, let's just slip this on. (MIKE helps CHRISTINE put on the spacesuit.) Now, we put on the tinfoil.... CHRISTINE: What for? What about my ball? MIKE: You are the ball. You wrap up in this tinfoil and then aim yourself into the pins. You play in zero gravity. CHRISTINE: Oh, that sounds cool! (CHRISTINE covers herself in Reynolds Wrap.) MIKE: It is. If you'll step this way.... (MIKE leads CHRISTINE to the airlock.) Right through this door. The snack bar's on your left. Have fun! (CHRISTINE exits.) NOW! TOM and CROW: GUTTER BALLLLLLLL! (MIKE, CROW, and TOM frantically hit the switch. We hear the a muffled boom as CHRISTINE is blown out of the airlock.) CROW: She's not clinging to the side, is she? MIKE: Let me check. (Cautiously peers out the airlock door.) No, she's gone. TOM: Can she survive? MIKE: The tinfoil should work as a heat shield. I aimed her into the ocean. She'll be all right. CROW: Which ocean? MIKE: The Pacific. TOM: Any particular part of the Pacific? MIKE: Uh, no. But look at the bright side. We're safe. (MIKE, TOM, and CROW sigh with relief.) TOM: Since when do we have a bowling alley?! CROW: I don't know. I haven't seen one. MIKE: Sirs? FORRESTER: There is a bowling alley, right? (FRANK shrugs and walks away.) I think we should skip to the next fanfic. This one is "Lonely Brothers" and it's by Eric Strife. Here it comes! (Lights flash and sirens blare.) MIKE: One more time, it's FANFIC SIGN!