MST3K Digimon Lemonade! by don Jaime del Resfriado (James Reinbold) (jdreinbold@hotmail.com) Synopsis: When the Mads give Mike and the 'bots lemons -- terrible, terrible Digimon porn -- they make lemonade. Chapter 1: "Cody Expresses His Love For Izz!" by Spazoid Barney Chapter 2: "Veemon Gets Lucky" by Shadow Guyver 007 Chapter 3: "Lonely Brothers" by Eric Strife Chapter 4: "I NEED A WOMAN!" by ANIMEFREAK72 Chapter 5: "The Impossible Accident" by Taito's Child Chapter 6: "Camping Out" by Sailor Goo-Chan, Yaoi Senshi Chapter 7: "The Princess and the Computer Genius" by Kojiro Arigatou Chapter 8: "Getting a Charge Out of Elecmon" by Togashi Tsuke Chapter 9: "On Purpose" by Christine Chapter 10: "Nature" by Lilac This chapter: A venture into necrophilia as Mummymon tries to put some life into his afterlife. Too bad for him the title "I Need a Woman!" is one of Arukenimon's lines. (Doors open into the theater, where the next fanfic is downloading. MIKE, TOM, and CROW enter and sit down.) CROW: You okay, Cambot? (Our view tilts up and down as CAMBOT nods yes.) Sorry about that. TOM: You and Cambot, who'da thunk it? CROW: I think I had a bad reaction to the Viagra.... TOM: Suuure you did. CROW: Shut up. >I need a woman! MIKE: Hey, who doesn't?! >by animefreak72 CROW (Chic): Awwww, FREAK OUT! Le Freak, c'est chic! FREAK OUT! >(aka patrice23) TOM (Drill sergeant): Patrice - 2 - 3 - 4! Patrice - 2 - 3 - 4! >I know that I am going to get flamed for this, CROW: But I like to think of it as "flame-kist." >but I had to write this. TOM: I had to! I just HAD to! >Also, it’s really weird. It contains cross-dressing and some other issues. MIKE: Cross-dressing, the state of the dollar, and our position on Taiwan. >She threw the doors open and growled like a mad dog in heat. TOM: Rabies makes you horny? CROW (Arukenimon): These doors are supposed to remain open during normal business hours! >"Damn it! I need a woman!" She screamed. MIKE (Arukenimon): Wait...I am a woman. Sorry to bother you folks, good night! >Poor Mummymon was sitting at his study reading away Pandora written by Anne >Rice under candlelight. TOM: Anne Rice should invest in a light bulb. CROW: Anybody else think Mummymon looks like a nutcracker left over from Christmas? >Seeing his beloved so angry like that made him angry. MIKE: He was getting really sick of her crabby 'tude. >Who had made her feel like that? TOM: Probably not a woman.... >"What is it, Darling?" he asked her. MIKE (Mummymon): Did the country club turn your application down again? >"What did I tell you about calling me darling! You moron!" she said >disgustedly. CROW: Arukenimon looks like Natasha Fatale from "Rocky and Bullwinkle." MIKE: You're right, she does. >This only riled him up more. TOM: She was really ticking him off! >Seeing her so angry with him made his heart beat faster, pounding out of >his chest. CROW (Arukenimon): Okay, I understand the bandages now. Put that back in your chest. >She was so beautiful to him in many ways. MIKE: She looked even corpsier than he did. >Her eyes were big and blue like two shiny jewels, TOM: Not that you can see them behind the giant purple sunglasses.... >and her lips were always darkly tinted. MIKE: She's a goth digimon. >They were her best features, especially since they were wide and always >painted in a smirk. CROW (Jessica Rabbit): I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way. >"I'm sorry. I forgot." TOM (Mummymon): I also forgot to pick up bread on the way over. >"That's just like you. Forget everything. CROW (Mummymon): Duh, who are you? Duuuuh! >That's what companions like you do!" MIKE (Arukenimon): And you always leave the toilet seat up, too! TOM: What she wants is a longtime memory companion. >He was soaking in happiness. CROW: I thought that was Palmolive. MIKE: He's soaking in it! >The fact that she thought him to be her companion was enough to make him >melt into happiness. TOM (Mummymon): I'm meeellltiing! Meeellltiiing! Oh, curse you for destroying my beautiful uglyness! >"What's wrong? Please tell me so I can help." CROW (Arukenimon): Join the other side and drag them down to defeat like you do me every other episode! >"I need a woman! There are no pretty digimon in this world." MIKE: Welcome to Non-Sequitur Theater. CROW: Guess she hasn't met Lilymon. Gr-r-r-rowl! >Suddenly, she eyed him suspiciously, looking up and down at his now >standing form. TOM (Arukenimon): Are you wearing my lingerie again? CROW (Mummymon): No. This is my stuff. >"You will have to do. Follow me." MIKE (Mummymon): Are you saying I'm not pretty? >"What?" TOM (Mummymon): I'm not a woman. You are aware of that, right? >"Don't ask questions! Just come." CROW: That's not what you said! You said, "You will have to do. Follow me." Right, guys? MIKE: Please, Crow, let's not review this too closely. >He followed her down the corridor to another room. Deep down inside he >thought they would go to her room, but this room was fine. He had never >been in it though. TOM: Well, that was pointless. CROW: No, I think it was important for us to know they went to another room, even though we have no idea what that room is. MIKE: And we saw the corridor, so we know they could have gone to any number of other rooms, but specifically chose this one, which we don't know what is. >"You will do what I say. CROW (Arukenimon): It's really no different from any other moment in your life. >If I ask you to jump, you will ask how high. MIKE (Arukenimon): Oh, I'll go ahead and tell you: five feet, seven inches. Go! >If I ask you to sing, you will ask what song. TOM: Please, not "My Heart Will Go On"! >If you don’t do what I say, you will be punished severely. You don't want >that to happen, do you?" CROW: What a dumb question. Has she not noticed what a bigass masochist Mummymon is? >"Ar..." MIKE, TOM, and CROW: ARRRRRRR! We're pirates! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! >"NEVER speak when I am speaking. MIKE (Arukenimon): Did I say talk like Captain Kidd? Okay, talk like Captain Kidd! ARRR! CROW: ARRRR! Shiver me timbers! ARRRR! TOM: ARRRRR! Matey! ARRRRR! >Only speak when you are asked to do so. TOM: Now? ARRR! MIKE: ARRRR! CROW: ARRRRR! >If you do it again, I will give you double the punishment. CROW: You haven't punished him yet. Besides your charming personality, that is. Oh, and ARRR! TOM: ARRRR! MIKE: ARRRRR! >Is this understood or do I have to repeat myself?" TOM (Mummymon): Uh, do you want me to talk now? >"It's fine..." MIKE (Mummymon): Whatever.... >"DID I SAY THAT YOU COULD SPEAK?! DID I SAY YOU MAY ANSWER?" CROW (Mummymon): Arrr? >"No, Aru..." MIKE, TOM, and CROW (Coyotes): Yip-yip-yip-aruuuuuuuuu! >"I DID NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO SPEAK," she said as she slapped his face. TOM (Mummymon): Well, then quit asking me questions if you don't want me to talk! Jesus! MIKE (Arukenimon): Sorry. Saw a gnat. >"How dare you disobey me." CROW (Arukenimon): By answering my stupid questions. >He gently rubbed the skin on his face were her hand had come down hard. TOM (Mummymon): Hey, my skin peels right off! >He knew that it would leave a mark. MIKE (Mummymon): Great. Now I'm Gorbachev. >"Now here is what you must do," she said as walked over to a closet. "Strip >for me. Now." TOM: You're doing it wrong, Aruky! Grab the free end of his wrappings and spin him like a top! CROW: Yeah, that'd be cool! Little amulets and ushabtis flying all over the place, I wanna see that! >He was never so eager to take off his clothing. TOM: Aside from that one time he caught fire.... >Arukenimon wanted to see what he had been hiding from her! CROW (Mummymon): Finally, a chance to show off my "ARUKY 4 EVER" tattoo! MIKE: And we finally have confirmation that this is, in fact, Arukenimon. >He almost instantly pealed off his clothing until he stood almost bare in >front of her. TOM: Almost. >He was about to take off his boxers. CROW: And his bull mastiffs. >"Leave them on. You've done a very good job at undressing. MIKE (Arukenimon): I'm giving you an A-, which brings you up to a passing grade. >I will give you a treat for that." TOM: A Scooby snack in a Digimon fic? >She opened a nearby cabinet and pulled out some candy. CROW (Arte Johnson): Do you want a Walnetto? >She unwrapped one of them and beckoned for him to come to her. He did so >willingly, and she thrust the candy in his mouth. TOM (Mummymon): Circus Peanuts! Yuck! >"You've been a good little doggy." MIKE (Arukenimon): Fearless Leader would be so proud! >He swallowed the candy whole. CROW: And choked on it. TOM (Mummymon): Ack! Heimlich, Heimlich! Don't let me die a second time! >"Now, it is time for the next step." She grabbed a leash that she had >hidden from him and tied it around his neck. CROW (Arukenimon): Time for walkies! TOM: But, how does this affect moose and squirrel? >She walked over to a closet. MIKE (Mummymon): I'm confused. You say you need a woman, then you settle for me, and then you start this whole dog business. Do you even know what you want anymore? >"It's time for me to have some fun," she said with a small smile. CROW (Arukenimon): "Card Captor Sakura" is on! >She looked in the closet for what she wanted and soon found it. MIKE (Arukenimon): Hey, all right! I've been wanting to play Monopoly for months! I get to be the Scottie dog! >"Put this on," she instructed him. This was weird. TOM: Excuse me! Do we get to know what it is? >He instantly did not want to put it on. What was he to do with a dress on! MIKE: Is that all? I thought it was going to be bondage gear or one of those adult baby outfits. >It was an insult to his... digihood if he put it on. CROW: Why? Doesn't he know that (Sings.) a transvestite is a person in your digihood! In your digihood! He's in your di-gi-hood...! >He instantly rebelled. TOM: So Arukenimon had Sherman march across Mummymon down to the sea. >"Arukenimon, I don’t' think...," MIKE: Obviously. >She gave him one look of hate and disgust and he knew instantly that he >should do what she said before she did something drastic. CROW: But if he did what she looked like she said what she wanted him to do instead of what she said she said she wanted him to do, then she said she would whomp his sorry butt for doing what he did instead of what she said she wanted done. Right? TOM: I think. Let me get back to you on that. >She was a strong digimon, stronger than he was. MIKE: A relatively strong digimon, then. I'll bet Bedridden-Invalidmon could take Aruky. >Ignoring the leash around his neck, he took the dress from her and put it >on. TOM: And the leash dangles down between his legs. CROW: Dangling's a new feeling for him. Let him enjoy it. >It felt weird at first. MIKE: And second. And third. Oh, and fourth. >The material was something like wool, and the dress was pink. CROW (Mummymon): Oh, no, this is Pink Panther fur! I'm allergic to cats! ACHOO! >It itched his skin terribly, TOM: Do you mean it scratched his skin terribly? >but he felt beautiful with such a thing on. CROW (Jack Gifford): I'm lovely! Absolutely lovely! >"You should have been born a girl!" she said with a smile and a lick of her >lips. MIKE: Have you looked at him? He's not much of a man. CROW: I'd hardly call Mummymon feminine, either. Mummymon's sort of an "it." TOM (Arukenimon): ...but you can call me Aruky Chapstick! >"Look at how well the dress fits so closely to your thighs! It's almost >beautiful." MIKE (Mummymon): Did you call me fat, or is that just another one of your backhanded compliments? >This was music to his ears. CROW: Sadly, it was Zamfir. >She thought he was beautiful. MIKE, TOM, and CROW: Almost. >If this was what it took to get a compliment from her, he would do it again >anytime. TOM: But he hasn't gotten a compliment, so cross-dressing is out of the question from here on. >"Let us try something else now." MIKE (Arukenimon): I'll be nice to you for a change. >She again searched the closet for what she was looking for and found a pink >ballerina costume and tutu. CROW: I thought a ballerina costume WAS a tutu. >"You know the deal! Put it on." TOM (Mummymon): Yeah, I know, I have to try on everything in your wardrobe. >He did exactly what she told him. CROW: That's not news. Tell me something I don't know. >He took off the dress and threw on the costume. She soon laughed like a >maniac at the sight. MIKE: "Like" a maniac! TOM: Yes, boxers really don't go with a tutu. CROW (Mummymon): If you want to laugh, just wait till we have sex, honey! >"Now, twirl around like a ballerina on one leg." TOM (Mummymon): A pirouette immediately? Can't I plié a little first? >He obeyed her words, but it was so funny to her, the way he looked a big >oaf in a tutu. CROW: You've heard of a pas de deux? This is a pas de duh. >Soon, she was rolling on the floor laughing her ass off. MIKE (Arukenimon): Help me, my ass is getting away! >"This is too funny! Good gods, I'll have fun with you every day from now >on." TOM (Mummymon): Can I stop spinning now? I feel sick...ulp! >"Are you going to give me a compliment now?" He asked. MIKE (Mummymon): Or ever? >Instantly, she flew off the floor and into his face. CROW (Arukenimon): Got your nose! >"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK WITHOUT MY CONSENT! TOM (Arukenimon): Just shut up, all right? I want to go five minutes without you drooling on me! >YOU DIRTY CREATURE! MIKE: Mummymon made mud pies again. >HOW DARE YOU! CROW (Arukenimon): How double-dog dare you! >SINCE YOU'RE SO DISOBEDIENT, HERE'S WHAT WE'LL DO. GET ON THE BED! TOM: Um, that's what he wants. You have this dominatrix deal backwards.... >GO ON. DO AS I SAY!" MIKE (Arukenimon): Not as I do. >Soon, he was on his back and waiting for her to do what she was going to >do. CROW (Mummymon): I've already been embalmed. You don't have to do it over. >She soon joined him, and he wanted to again melt into a sea of happiness. TOM: But she hadn't told him to, so he had to wait. >She loosened the restraints of the leash and pulled off the leggings that >he wore. MIKE: When did he put on leggings? >She raised the tutu so that she could pull off his boxers and expose his >naked sex. TOM (Mummymon): Um, I should mention that mummification kind of...shrivels the body. >She straddled his hips and smashed her lips onto his. CROW: Hey, it's Smash Mouth! MIKE (Smash Mouth): Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play! >He tried to speak, to tell her how much he liked it, but could not. TOM: Aruky crushed his face into his skull. >Her tongue dove between his lips MIKE: And came out of the tuck too soon and left a big splash, that's a tenth of a point reduction.... >and their tongues danced with each other. CROW: One - two - cha-cha-cha! One - two - cha-cha-cha! >He moaned as she ran her wet tongue across his teeth MIKE: And found a little spinach. >and then dove back in to claim his tongue for her own, TOM: I claim this tongue for Spain. >dancing with it once more. CROW (Kenny Loggins): Everybody, cut loose! Tongueloose! Kick off your Sunday, uh, tonsils! >Moving herself, she grasped the middle of his sex in her hand and almost >instantly it shot out as if an arrow had just shot out of it. CROW: Ew, a detachable batch! TOM: Bet it's handy in those hard-to-reach areas. Hee hee! MIKE: That's more shooting in this one sentence than any given night in Detroit. >He groaned at her gentle touch and thrust his hips upward into her hand. TOM (Arukenimon): Don't! Damn, I broke a nail. Thanks a lot, stupe! >Her fingers were so soft and velvety around his aching member. CROW (Mummymon): I'm aching, could you ease up a little? Thanks. MIKE: She put Velveeta on his privates? Ick. >The truth was that he had too many parts and no breasts for her to play >with. CROW: Arukenimon's one of those people who take forty minutes to order at McDonald's. TOM: Choices confuse her. >This frustrated her. Why couldn’t there have been more digimon females in >her world? MIKE: Don't look at us. Aruky's the one behind the killing spree. CROW: Yeah, it's her own fault if she killed off all the babes. >"ARGH! You moron! I can't deal with this!" She said pointing at him. TOM (Mummymon): You can't deal with your own fingers? Man, you do have issues. >"I need a woman! Get out of my site before I hurt you. Now!" MIKE: Damn. I wanted to learn what you can do with spinnerets in porn. CROW: There'll be more chances, Mike. Oh, Lord, will there be more chances. TOM (Mummymon): YOUR site? This is MY web address! >She pointed to the door and he flew off the bed not bothering to get his >normal clothes. CROW: Bandages and a Cossack outfit? That ain't normal clothes, even for rock stars. >He had never seen her that angry before. TOM: Wait five minutes. She'll be PO'ed over something new. >As he left, he heard her screaming and cursing for a woman. MIKE: Oh, that's how you get women! And all these I've been trying to be nice to them. >He felt bad that there was nothing his body could do to satisfy her. MIKE: Then again, she may just not be into necrophilia. TOM: Anyone else get the grim feeling that if, by some miracle, Aruky got a woman, she still wouldn't be satisfied? >He wanted her to be happy, and that would mean getting her a woman. Where >would he find such a creature? CROW: He's never heard of shoe sales. >She herself had said that there were none in the digital world. TOM: Hello? Piyomon? Parumon? Can Aruky not fling her hair at a control spire and make herself a girfriend that way? Sheesh. >Drastic times call for drastic measures. MIKE: The drastic teaspoon, the drastic kilometer, the drastic troy ounce.... >THE END TOM: Man, even in a lemon, Mummymon can't get laid. CROW: And what exactly does this drastic measure consist of? He's going to call Heidi Fleiss? >Hee hee. I like the fact that she has so much power over him. I like >Arukenimon. MIKE: I like string. TOM: I like rodeo clowns. CROW: I like Chicken-in-a-Biscuit. >It's good to see a powerful female Digimon as opposed to the usual male >villain. TOM: And which powerful female villain would this be? Black Wargreymon knocked all six kids and their digimon unconscious and Arukenimon still couldn't kill them! >Yeah, I know that I’m going to get flamed and cursed at for this. CROW: I'm just a glutton for punishment. No wonder I like this pair. >I also know that Mummymon has bandages under his clothing. MIKE: You COULD have told us that at the beginning. Let's go, guys. TOM: ARRRR! CROW: ARRRRR! MIKE: ARRRRRRRRRR! (MIKE, TOM, and CROW exit the theater. Doors slam as we return to the living quarters. TOM, in aviator's goggles, and CROW, in a tuxedo coat, stand by a top hat.) TOM: And now...! CROW: Hey, Tommy! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat! TOM: Again?! CROW: (Rips sleeve off coat.) Nothing up my sleeve. Presto! (Pulls out GYPSY.) GYPSY: OH, MY! TOM: Wrong hat. CROW: I take a seven and a half! TOM: Now here's something we hope you'll really like! (Whip pan to ARUKENIMON and MUMMYMON, walking briskly. They collide with MIKE.) ARUKENIMON: Please, help us. MUMMYMON: He's followed us everywhere! MIKE: What the...! I'm not helping villains! Whoever it is can have you. ARUKENIMON: You don't understand. He thinks I'm his old girlfriend. MUMMYMON: And we know you're taken, don't we? (ARUKENIMON backfists MUMMYMON. BORIS BADENOV enters.) BORIS BADENOV: Honey-doll, baby, liebchen, please take back your leettle comrade! Don't make me a refusnik! MIKE: Another one?! What are all you bad guys doing here? BORIS: Allow me to introduce myself. I am the most fiendish of villains, the most despicable of desperados, that criminal mastermind.... (TOM, CROW, and GYPSY enter.) TOM, CROW, and GYPSY: Say the name! BORIS: Boris Badenov, at your service. And this is my comrade, friend, associate, and might I say girlfriend, Natasha Fatale. ARUKENIMON: My name is Arukenimon! It means Spider Monster! I'm not French or Russian or whatever brand of human you are. I spin webs and eat flies! BORIS: Bwa-ha-ha! Oh, Natasha, you always were a good kidder. This is your most tweested idea since the live action movie! MUMMYMON: Excuse me, but she's taken! BORIS: Tut-tut, my good man, don't get so wrapped up in yourself! ARUKENIMON: Oh, Lord, we don't have jokes that bad in the English dub. BORIS: Come, Natasha, the Free World isn't going to conquer itself. Let's go home to Pottsylvania. (Takes her by the arm. ARUKENIMON does not budge.) ARUKENIMON: I'm not going anywhere with you. BORIS: But, Natasha, darlink, only the defective defect! ARUKENIMON: I'M NOT NATASHA! (To MIKE.) You, human, what's your name? MIKE: Ain't tellin'. CROW: It's Michael J. Nelson. MIKE: CROW! ARUKENIMON: Look, Mr. Nelson, if you help me ditch the dwarf, I won't put up a control spire and I might let you live. Fair enough? GYPSY: Say "yes," Mike! She can't do anything to hurt us, anyway. TOM: Come on, Mike! Help her and maybe she'll go be annoying somewhere else. MIKE: Oh, all right. Let me call the Mads. Sirs, we have a case of mistaken identity here. Could you help us find the real Natasha Fatale? (Onscreen: DR. FORRESTER and TV'S FRANK.) FORRESTER: What makes you think we'll help you, Nelson? Now we have you trapped with three of the clumsiest villains of all time! You'll be insane in a matter of hours.... FRANK: Here she is! FORRESTER: Here who is, Frank? FRANK: Natasha Fatale. I e-mailed a friend of mine from alt.fan.stupid.villains, and he says she's the Undersecretary of Hooliganism in the Russian Foreign Ministry, hand-picked by Vladimir Putin himself. BORIS: Really? FRANK: Really. FORRESTER: "alt.fan.stupid.villains?" FRANK: (Blushes.) Well, you know how I've always admired you, sir.... FORRESTER: Oh, really? I bet you have a sizable fan base of your own there. FRANK: One shouldn't brag, but.... FORRESTER: You ruined my chance to destroy Nelson's sanity! (FRANK is crestfallen.) I might as well complete the damage. Fatale's office is in the Malenkov Memorial Building across from the Kremlin, suite 1214-Smyert. No point in having inept bad guys cluttering up my satellite if they're leaving anyway. ARUKENIMON: Thank you. Mr. Badenov, if I take you to Russia via the Digital World, will you leave me alone? BORIS: But of course! I only want Natasha back. You know, you are very like her. MUMMYMON: She must be very attractive! ARUKENIMON and BORIS: SHADDUP YOU MOUTH! (ARUKENIMON and MUMMYMON take BORIS by the arms and they vanish.) MIKE: Whew! Thanks for talking me into that, guys. I feel safer now. FORRESTER: Get over it. Frank got back in my good graces by sending the next fic, one by Taito's Child, on the way. (Falsetto.) Will this be the end of our heroes? FRANK (Falsetto): We can only hope! FORRESTER (Falsetto): Tune in next time for "The Impossible Accident"... FRANK (Falsetto): ...or, "The Mussed-up Bust-Up"! (Lights flash and horns blare.) CROW: Hokey smoke! FANFIC SIGN!