MST3K Digimon Lemonade! by don Jaime del Resfriado (James Reinbold) (jdreinbold@hotmail.com) Synopsis: When the Mads give Mike and the 'bots lemons -- terrible, terrible Digimon porn -- they make lemonade. Chapter 1: "Cody Expresses His Love For Izz!" by Spazoid Barney Chapter 2: "Veemon Gets Lucky" by Shadow Guyver 007 Chapter 3: "Lonely Brothers" by Eric Strife Chapter 4: "I Need A Woman!" by animefreak72 Chapter 5: "THE IMPOSSIBLE ACCIDENT" by TAITO'S CHILD Chapter 6: "Camping Out" by Sailor Goo-Chan, Yaoi Senshi Chapter 7: "The Princess and the Computer Genius" by Kojiro Arigatou Chapter 8: "Getting a Charge Out of Elecmon" by Togashi Tsuke Chapter 9: "On Purpose" by Christine Chapter 10: "Nature" by Lilac This chapter: Lovers Taichi and Yamato discover the oldest form of sexually transmitted disease in "The Impossible Accident": babies. (Doors open into the theater, where the next fanfic is downloading. MIKE, TOM, and CROW enter and sit down.) TOM: I wanted Dudley Do-Right to arrest the Mads! CROW: I was hoping Sherman and Mr. Peabody would go back in time and stop this experiment! MIKE: I just wanted a Fractured Fairy Tale. >The Impossible Accident MIKE: A.k.a. "The Warren Report." >by Taito's Child TOM: Thank God! It's a Taito! A nice, boring, cliche-driven Taito! MIKE: Yeah, no brothers, no dead people, no fan insertions, no eight-year-olds. I feel better already. CROW: Does "Child" imply this is Tai and Matt's kid? Nah, they're both boys, scratch that.... >Because this is weird and twisted, I'm pretending that while it's still '01 >Tai, Matt, Sora and Mimi are 16, Izzy's 15, Jyou's 18 and TK and Kari are >still 8. MIKE: Huh? Did Kari and TK get stuck in a time warp? TOM: And why does Mimi get to be the same age as Tai, Matt, and Sora, instead of Izzy? >It works amazingly well, CROW: If you suspend all rational thought. >and the ages between the older ones might be off, i can't keep track of the >years between everyone, MIKE: And it would kill me to research this at a website or two. >but all and all Tai and Matt are 16, Kari and TK are 8 and everyone else >falls in accordingly. TOM: So pitch 'em a life preserver. >K? cool. Anyways, this is dedicated to my new friend, Yamachi Salamon Eevee >Bouldershipping love pup, what a mouthful, CROW: We don't need to know about your sex life. It's bad enough reading Digiporn. >whom asked me to write this in the first place. MIKE: No, "who." "Whom" is for everything but a clause's subject. >It's so twisted, TOM: That you can salt it and call it a pretzel! >and I'm warning you right now, so no complaints! Ta! CROW: Hey, mine's not twisted enough! >~vicci MIKE: Y'know, I'll grant she came and saw, but I doubt this author's ever conquered. >Tai and Matt sat impatiently waiting for the others to get back to camp. CROW: You need at least three people for a decent ghost story. >They were all alone, even their own digimon had disappeared in search for a >river to fish in and weren't expected back for another few hours. TOM: Couldn't they just find a river and camp by it? >Tai sighed pointedly, catching Matt's attention and leaning back against a >tree. MIKE (Tai): This tree will keep your attention from falling again.... >"I'm bored!" he gripped. CROW (Matt): Hey, don't grip so hard! >"I know how you feel," Matt agreed. MIKE (Matt): Kinda spongy. >"Why on earth didn't we go with the others?" TOM (Tai): Somebody has to guard the luggage. >"Because you wanted to talk," Tai practically sneered, CROW (Tai): Yeah, c'mon, pretty boy, let's see you talk! Can't, can you? Huh! >he wasn't angry that they had stayed behind, MIKE: But Tai was irked that Matt ate the last slice of pizza. >he was actually enjoying being alone with Matt. TOM: It gave him a chance to beat Matt up without any witnesses. >"Yeah, well, um, yeah," Matt said turning a shade of pink. CROW: He's reciting one of George W. Bush's speeches. >He hadn't quite gotten around to talking to Tai yet. MIKE: Which is why he needed to be reminded. >"So spill," Tai said watching Matt closely, TOM (Tai): But not on the rug. >loving the way the color seemed to be splashed onto Matt's cheeks. MIKE: Matt overdid on the rouge again. >He let his eyes trail over Matt's delicate features, CROW: Until they stumbled off the trail and into some poison ivy. >but his roving eyes began moving down past Matt's chin, to his arms which >were crossed over his chest. His eyes only paused for a minute there >though, TOM: Tai's eyes are really bookin'! >before continuing down his stomach, and then to… MIKE: The fanfic forgot what's next after stomach. >Tai snapped his eyes shut and sat up properly, hunched over slightly in an >attempt to hide his erection. CROW: He's the Erection Bunny. Like Easter, but with sperm instead of eggs. TOM: That's your idea of sitting properly, hunched over like that? Sit up straight, young man! >When Tai managed to pry his eyes open seconds later and look back at Matt's >face he discovered the blond blushing even worse from the scrutiny of Tai's >gaze. TOM: Tai had been gazing with his eyes closed? MIKE (Tai): Are you going to sit there and turn red all night, or are you going to talk? >"Um, I wanted to talk to you, about, uh," Matt paused for a moment >swallowing, CROW: I find moments go down easier with a little milk. >and kneading the back of his neck with one hand. TOM: Then he covered his neck and let it rise one hour in a cool, dark place next to the fridge. >"Tai, I like you, a lot." MIKE: Any more pauses and Matt would be reciting a tone poem. >"Really?" Tai asked jumping up to his feet and grabbing Matt in a crushing >hug. CROW (Matt): Ahh! Chiropractor, chiropractor! >"I like you too, Matt." Then he pulled back from Matt blushing deeply and >sat back down. MIKE: Intense Blushing Action! >Matt sat down on a fallen log smiling broadly, TOM: I didn't know logs could smile. >not bothering to hide his own erection he had gotten from feeling Tai's >pressed against his leg. CROW: It's an action-packed game of erection monte. >"Cool," Matt said, his relief evident in his voice. "Ya know, we still have >a couple more hours until Agumon and Gabumon get back, MIKE: He knows how far the river is, Agumon and Gabumon don't know where it is at all, so he stays and they look for the river. Uh-huh. >and the others shouldn't be here until tomorrow…" CROW: It's only a day away. >'So?" Tai asked densely. TOM (Matt): And don't call me Densely. >"We both have little problems, why don't we take care of them?" Matt asked >grinning evilly gesturing to his own erection, TOM (Tai): Well, you may have a little problem, Matt, but my problem is a mighty seven inches! MIKE: TOM! >since Tai's was hidden somewhere under his shirt and behind his hands. CROW: Matt must have a sixth sense about other people's erections. >"Oh," Tai said faintly. "Do you really think we should?" TOM (Tai): I didn't think we had enough cold water for two showers. >"We aren't going to get in trouble Tai, know one'll ever have to know, MIKE: The No/Know Monster strikes again. >and it's not like I can get you pregnant." CROW (Matt): I had a vasectomy. >"OK, um, yeah," he stuttered out, unsure of what to do. MIKE (Matt): Well, if your heart's not in this, we can wait.... >Matt's evil grin widened at Tai's obvious naiveté and went over to kneel in >front of Tai. TOM: Then the evil grin went back to fetch the rest of Matt. >Matt undid Tai's belt with deft fingers and unbuttoned his shorts before >the brown haired boy knew what was happening. CROW: Uh, Tai, this is your cue to blush.... >"Matt," Tai said breathlessly, "I don't know, oh!" he cut off TOM: His Slauson.... >as Matt withdrew his erected cock and gave it a teasing lick. MIKE: Wow! Matt just licked his own genitals! I'm impressed. >Matt's hot breath surrounded it for a second before Matt's warm mouth >engulfed him. CROW: This was followed by an Arctic front that ended the evening's festivities before frostbite could set in. >Tai whimpered as Matt's tongue slipped it's way around him, trying cover >every inch of him. MIKE: Then Matt's tongue picked Tai's pocket and ran away. >Shivers went up his spine as Matt pulled back from Tai's slightly to kiss >the tip of him, TOM: What exactly is Tai's "slightly"? Is that another word for "spine"? >and then engulfed him to the base once more. MIKE: I could make the "All your base..." joke here, but it's old hat. >Tai grabbed Matt's hair and pulled the boy closer to him, CROW (Matt): I am NOT having sex with you if you're going to pull my hair! >lost in the frenzy of emotions and feelings that swirling through him. TOM: And somebody had folded the AAA Emotion and Feeling Roadmap wrong, too. >"Oh, oh god," he groaned. MIKE: Why do people have to mention God during sex?! Church is a sure mood killer! >Matt deep throated him a few times, TOM: Then he gordon liddied Tai. >and Tai couldn't take the sensations any longer, coming in Matt's warm, >moist mouth. CROW: Well, that was quick. We've still got a lot more fanfic to go, and our heroes are already fumbling for cigarettes! MIKE: Are you complaining?! CROW: No. I'm just dreading the unknown. >Matt sat back grinning and licking his lips hungrily, TOM: They had sex, now they want dinner. This date is all backwards. >and allowed Tai to redress himself properly. MIKE: I like that word, "redress." It's such a nice way to say, "put your clothes back on." >"I take it you liked that," he said. TOM (Tai): That's just like you. Take, take, take! Here, take my virginity while you're at it! CROW (Matt): Just did, thanks! >"I've never felt anything like that before," Tai said breathlessly, slumped >back against his tree. CROW (Tai): You did it so badly. >"Oh wow. That, that was wonderful." He couldn't find enough words to >describe how much he had thoroughly and completely enjoyed that. MIKE (Tai): I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really... TOM: Mike. MIKE (Tai): ...really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really... CROW: Mike! MIKE (Tai): ...really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, enjoyed that! CROW: That was a long way for nothing, Mike. >"I thought you might like it," Matt said, MIKE (Tai): Really? TOM and CROW: MIKE! >"But you know what, that isn't half as nice as what I want to do to you >right now." TOM (Tai): Well, why didn't you start with the good stuff first?! >Tai looked a little wary, what else could they do? CROW (Tai): Oh, goody, a back rub! >He knew what girls and boys did, but he and Matt couldn't do that. MIKE: They were gender-neutral. >"That is, if you're up to it," Matt said TOM: Man, and I thought my puns sucked. >knowing the taunting tone would cause Tai's ego, which was almost as big as >his hair, to do anything. CROW: Yeah, sure. Let's see Tai's ego break the three-minute mile. >"Of course I'm up to it. Just say the word," Tai said hotly. MIKE, TOM, and CROW: The word. Happy? >"Drop your pants." MIKE (Matt): And come out with your hands up! >"What!" TOM (Tai): But I just redressed myself! >"You heard me." CROW (Tai): No, I didn't. I'm sorry. I'll pay attention next time. >Tai stood and did as he was told, blushing deeply. TOM (Tai): This is all wrong! I'm supposed to be the bossy one! >Matt licked his lips hungrily, his erection throbbing. MIKE: Matt's still hungry. I guess jism isn't very filling. >"Turn around," Matt said, his voice raw with the emotions tormenting him. CROW: Can we help Matt out by pan-searing his emotions for him? >Tai slowly did so and Matt hurriedly let his own pants fall and placed his >hands on Tai's waist. TOM: They're going to dance the conga. >"This might hurt at first, but don't be tense," Matt whispered in Tai's >ears before plunging into Tai. MIKE, TOM, and CROW: CANNONBALLLL! >Tai cried out in pain, doubling over and bracing himself against the log he >had been sitting on moments before. MIKE: You sure it isn't another tree? There's a lot of trees and logs in this fanfic. >It burned, but after what seemed like for ever but probably wasn't even >close to ten seconds and he was on the verge of begging Matt to pull out >sensations like the ones that had flowed through him earlier were all but >drowning him now. TOM: I sense a sentence buried somewhere in these assorted clauses. MIKE: You know, it almost scans if you add a period after "pull out." >Tai gasped in pleasure, it felt so good, he wanted to melt, and he never >wanted it to end. CROW: And he wanted to run all his sentences together. >Tai had a fresh erection TOM: That went stale after he left out of the fridge all night. >but didn't even notice it as he arms began trembling and he pushed his >palms harder into the biting bark of the dead tree. MIKE: But I thought its bark was worse than its bite! CROW: What's the point of having sex if you don't even notice when you have an erection?! >"Oh god," he said, the words barely making it past his dry lips. CROW: His words had a hole in their canteen. TOM (Jimmy Swaggart): I have sinned against you, Lord! >Matt was caught up in the whirlpool of frenzied emotions, MIKE: And the maytag of premature ejaculation. >drowning in Tai and pleasure. TOM: Next time, wear a snorkel. >His thrusts came faster and harder as he struggled to keep himself afloat >in this terrifying and new state. CROW: Beat that metaphor to death, why don'tcha? MIKE: Hey, Puerto Rico finally gave up commonwealth status and accepted the obvious! >The sex was by no means new to Matt, TOM: But it's new to Tai! Has Matt been wanging him while he's asleep? >but it had never felt like this before. CROW (Tai): See how much better it is when I'm conscious? >It had never felt so priminal before, MIKE: No doubt because "priminal" isn't a word. >he had never felt so connected with his other lovers. TOM: Man, Tai's such a lousy lay that Matt is reconnecting with old lovers. >His other times paled in comparison, MIKE: They were using too strong a sunblock. >like sticking your toe in the water to test it instead of diving in. CROW: And just like diving into cold water, nookie with Tai made Matt's area shrivel up. >And dive in Matt did. TOM: Right into the shallow end. MIKE (Matt): Ahhh, my head! >Matt snaked his hand around Tai and began stroking his lover in time with >his thrusts. CROW (Matt's hand): Ssssssssssssssss! >The raw pleasure in Tai doubled and he screamed in his excitement as Matt >spurted into him. MIKE: Now his excitement's deaf. >Matt stroked Tai for a few more seconds before Tai came, his essence >running over the dry wood and dirt. TOM (Matt): Note to self: TK and Kari are not allowed to make mud pies when they get back. >The boys somehow managed to pull their pants back on before collapsing onto >the forest floor. CROW: And hearing Agumon and Gabumon laughing at them from a nearby thicket. >"That was fun," Tai said. MIKE (Tai): I'd still rather play cribbage. >Matt laughed at the understatement and wound his hand in Tai's. TOM (Matt): This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy.... >They feel asleep holding onto each other, thoroughly exhausted from their >intense activities. CROW (Agumon): Good thing they put their clothes back on by themselves before passing out. MIKE (Gabumon): Yep. I was not looking forward to redressing them. >*~&~ TOM: What the hell was that?! CROW: Wizardmon's ghost, maybe? I dunno.... >Matt and Tai kept their little excursions a secret from the others, the >secret giving it a little more spice. MIKE: They preferred sweet marjoram, but often had to substitute oregano. >About once a week they would sneak away for anywhere from 15 minutes to an >hour and a half before returning to camp and an exhausted slumber. TOM: Dumb kids. Exhausting sex should always take a lot more than fifteen minutes. >One morning the whole group was walking aimlessly with Tai in the lead, CROW: Can you call it leading if there is no aim? >when suddenly Tai ran off the path leaving the others confused in his dust. TOM: Of course, they're always confused by Tai, so they didn't feel uncomfortable. >Matt ran after his lover, telling the others that he would see what was up >with Tai. CROW (Tai): I'm just going to pee. Leave me alone! >Mimi and Sora exchanged glances as the rest of the group sat down to wait >for the pair like instructed. MIKE (Sora): They're boinking awfully early this morning, aren't they? CROW (Mimi): Oh, yeah. >Matt found Tai not far off, on his hands and knees throwing up noisily. TOM (Matt): I take it you don't like my eggs Benedict. >Matt rubbed Tai's back soothingly, and crouched next to him. MIKE: Please, Matt, no synchronized retching.... >When Tai's stomach had completely emptied itself Tai sat back against Matt. CROW: Wow, a La-Z-Boy chair! Ha, ha! (MIKE and TOM groan.) >"Are you OK?" Matt asked, MIKE (Matt): Usually you wait until after lunch to purge. >hugging Tai, but keeping his arms from wrapping around Tai so tightly that >he couldn't get away if he needed to. TOM (Matt): Just don't snag on me, okay? >"Yeah, I think so," Tai said weakly. MIKE (Tai): I just vomited. That's a good sign, right? >"Are you sure, so don't sound so hot, CROW (Matt): Quit sounding so hot! >and you just hurled your entire breakfast on the floor." TOM (Matt): I mean, the ground. Yeah, that's right, we're outside. I remember now. >"Don't remind me," Tai said groaning and starting to get up. MIKE (Matt): That you just threw up? CROW (Tai): Don't. MIKE (Matt): Okay, I won't remind you that you threw up. CROW (Tai): Stop! MIKE (Matt): That was the last you'll hear about your throwing up. CROW (Tai): Urp! MIKE (Matt): Should I not remind you of this time, too? >Matt jumped to his own feet to help Tai to his. TOM: Knocking Tai over backwards in the process. >"Come on, let's get you back to the others, maybe Joe can help you." CROW (Matt): There's a first time for everything. >Tai lent heavily against Matt until they neared the road where he moved >from his boyfriend and walked on his own, not wanting the others to see him >weak. MIKE: They'd rather not see him for a week. >"Are you OK?" Sora demanded. TOM (Matt): He's fine. Oh, and please keep me from reminding him that he threw up. >"What happened?" Mimi asked concerned, at the same time. CROW (Matt): Nothing! Just don't talk about how Tai threw up! >"Why'd you run off?" TK asked when the girl's voices stopped. MIKE (TK): I can never get a word in edgewise for all these icky girls. >"I was sick," Tai said sourly, the vile taste still in his mouth. TOM: Be more specific, Tai. They think you're sick all the time. >"But you're better now?" Kari asked him, wrapping her hand in his. CROW (Kari): We'll take any kind of improvement over pushy and obnoxious. >"Yeah, of course," Tai said. He was surprised that he actually did feel >better. MIKE: Talking to Kari usually had the opposite effect. >"Maybe we should stop and rest anyway," Jyou said, pushing his glasses up >on his nose. MIKE: Look, guys! An anime character with a nose! TOM: Wow! I thought they were extinct! CROW: I'll tell my grandchildren about this day! >"If you are sick Tai, then we don't want to do anything to danger your >health," Izzy added. CROW: If he's sick, his health is waxed already. >"I really do feel fine," Tai insisted. "I just didn't agree with what I ate >I guess. MIKE (Tai): My breakfast insists that Dick Sargent was the funnier Darren! >Let's keep going." Then before anyone could say anything else he started >down the road again. TOM (Sora): Are we looking for anything in particular? Crests, tags, Dark Masters? Tai? Hello? >The others rushed after him, trying to get him to change his mind but they >gave up after a while. CROW: He had no mind to change. >That night when Tai and Matt disappeared they just talked. MIKE (Tai): Being invisible is really neat. TOM (Matt): You said it. >"Are you sure you're feeling OK?" Matt asked as he ran his fingers through >Tai's hair. CROW: And found a comb, a brush, two small birds, and lots of used chewing gum. MIKE: Tai's hair is HUGE! >"Yeah, I felt completely fine after I was done feeling nauseous. TOM (Tai): But while I was feeling nauseous, I felt...nauseous. >I don't know, it was probably just a little bug," Tai said before yawning. MIKE: Tentomon, are you nauseating Tai again? CROW (Tentomon): No! >"Maybe we should go back so you can get some sleep," Matt said softly, >kissing Tai's temple gently. TOM: Shinto or Buddhist? The lack of attention to detail in this fic is appalling! >"I don't want to," Tai said yawning again. MIKE: I missed when he said "yawning" the first time. >"I like being alone with you," he said burying his head in Matt's chest. CROW: Oh, Tai's an ostrich now. >"OK, but we'll go back soon," TOM (Matt): It's okay if you don't want to, but we're going back soon anyway, so learn to live with it. >Matt gave in kissing the nape of Tai's neck gently. He held his love gently >and sang softly in Tai's ear. MIKE: Uh, Matt, Ozzy's "Bark at the Moon" is probably not the best choice for a lullaby.... >Tai soon nodded off, lulled to sleep by Matt's soothing voice. TOM: And boring personality. >Matt grinned adoringly at Tai and stood, gathering Tai in his arms and >carried him back to camp. CROW (Matt): Oh, my back! And my knees! And, ouch, yep, that'll be a hernia! >Tai stirred as Matt set him down but didn't wake up. MIKE: Matt was sleepwalking?! >Matt stood there for a few minutes, staring tenderly at Tai, he looked so >sweet asleep. TOM: Awake, Tai's hell on wheels. >Matt brushed stray hairs from Tai's face MIKE: And splashed him with bay rum. >and went to his own spot in the camp, next to his little brother. TOM (TK): Traitor. CROW (Matt): Ankle-biter. >The next morning Tai woke before anyone, his stomach churning. TOM: His stomach loves fresh butter. >He lay still for a few seconds, hoping that the feelings would pass, MIKE: But Tai's feelings continued to tailgate him. >but he lurched to feet but only got a few feet before his stomach proceeded >to empty it's contents. CROW: There's more buts in this sentence than in "Baby Got Back." >Tai lay on his side afterward, breathing heavily, wishing he could get the >taste out of his mouth. MIKE: Well, drink some water! Geez. >Tai managed to hoist himself to his feet so he could go back to camp so no >one would know he had had to run off. CROW: He only went a few feet before. Isn't he still in camp? >Tai found Matt sitting up at camp, obviously waiting for him. TOM: Matt was in Tai's waiting room thumbing through year-old issues of "Highlights for Children." >When Matt opened his mouth to ask where he had been Tai waved his hand at >Matt, MIKE (Tai): As you can see, there's nothing in my hand, nothing up my sleeve, nothing in my stomach.... >keeping the questions at bay for now as the others began waking up. CROW (Tai): Back, you savage questions! Back! Back! >Matt looked at Tai worriedly, he wondered what was up with him, he so >obvious he had been sick again. TOM: Why is Matt wondering what's wrong if it's obvious Tai was sick? CROW: If the verb hadn't been left out of "he so obvious," this would be three sentences run together instead of two. >Tai smoothed his disgruntled expression as Kari woke up and smiled down at >her. MIKE: Is Kari smiling down at Mimi, Sora, or one of the digimon? >"Morning Tai," she said as she stretched. TOM (Kari): Is it me, or should I be seven years older? >"Morning." CROW (Tai): Don't worry, we'll pick up your hormone pills right after we polish off Myotismon. >The rest of the day went smoothly, though Tai refused to talk with Matt. MIKE: He figured out it was Matt that was turning his stomach. >Matt was even more worried when Tai, who normally volunteered for first >watch, fell asleep before the sun started to set. MIKE: So the only relevant thing that happened that day was Tai and Kari greeted each other in the morning. TOM (Kari): Good night, Tai. CROW (Tai): Night. >Matt decided to keep the first watch, CROW: It was a Bulova. >and spent most of the time staring at Tai's sleeping form. TOM: He's going to put Tai's hand in a pan of warm water. >Tai spent the night tossing and turning. MIKE (Tai): My bed feels like a pile of rocks! Wait, my bed IS a pile of rocks.... >Tai woke up feeling sick to his stomach and found Matt lying beside him. MIKE: The fanfic that dares to show people waking up and going to sleep. TOM (Kari): Good morning, Tai. CROW (Tai): Morning. >He was glad that it wasn't so bad that he had to run off, CROW: Because he was getting sick of Matt running off all the time. MIKE: No, Tai was the one who hadn't run off. CROW: Of course not! He's always there! The others are always coming and going, but Tai's a constant. (MIKE groans.) >he didn't want to wake Matt and face his questions. TOM: Tai fell asleep during his cram session and was not prepared. >"I didn't think you'd be up so early," a voice commented startling Tai. TOM (A voice): I figured you'd break your routine of rising before the rest of us to yammy in secret. >"I hadn't planned on waking up early," Tai informed Jyou. "It just sort of >happened." CROW (Tai): Jyou, why are you using your Japanese name when everyone else is going American? >"It doesn't have anything to do with your being sick the other day, does >it?" MIKE (Tai): No, it has to do with me being sick today. Urp! >"No," Tai said, the blush on his handsome features giving away the lie. TOM: The Cliff's Notes to this fanfic read, "The Digidestined wake up, blush, and go to sleep several hundred times." >"Tai, you don't have to lie to be you know. MIKE: Don't talk through your nose, Jyou. >If you are sick you should tell us so we can help you feel better. CROW (Jyou): And if you're feeling better, you should tell us so we can make you sick. >It wont hurt us at all to rest in one spot for a few days," Jyou said, the >concern strong in his voice. TOM (Tai): You are determined to interrupt our aimless wandering, aren't you? >"Yeah, if you're sick you wont be able to fight as well as usual," Gomamon >added. MIKE (Gomamon): Even though it's us Digimon who do all the fighting. All you kids do is stand around and yell a little. >"I thought for sure you'd be asleep by now," Jyou said to his digimon. TOM (Jyou): When will I be rid of you, foul pinniped of my darkest nightmares?! CROW (Gomamon): And a big "goo goo g'joob" to you, too, rube! >"It's not going to kill me to keep you company this one time. CROW (Gomamon): But don't ask for a second time, or I'll tank for sure. >So what's wrong?" Gomamon said bringing the attention back to Tai. MIKE (Tai): Thanks, I wondered when I'd be part of this conversation about me again. >"I'm fine, I've just been feeling sick to my stomach in the mornings. CROW (Tai): With seven other unwashed kids, I'm surprised I'm not barfy all day. >It goes away after a while." TOM (Tai): Like when morning ends. >"If I didn't know any better I'd say you were pregnant," Jyou said with a >laugh. MIKE: Oh, my God. Oooooooooh, my God. TOM: This does not bode well for the future. CROW: At this moment, I would welcome dead preteen twins asking the author to add them to the mix. I really would. >Tai forced a harsh bark that vaguely resembled a laugh, but looked worried. CROW: I'd worry too, if I spontaneously started doing dog impressions. >After a second he did laugh, there was no way he could be pregnant, he was >a boy after all. Things didn't work like that. MIKE: Boys' things don't, at least. Girls' things do. >*~&~ MIKE: I think that's the Arseface smiley for "Preacher" comic book fans. >Three months later Tai's 'morning sickness' had mostly passed, but the odd >thing was he was getting fatter. CROW: He beats bulimia and his weight increases. What's so unusual? >It was odd because he wasn't eating more then normal and he was still >running all over the place, maybe even more so lately. TOM: Tai thinks he's Benny Hill. (MIKE hums a few bars of "Yakkity Sax.") >Tai seemed grumpier than usual, snapping at anybody and anything. MIKE: He thinks he's Matt now. >"Tai, come on," Matt whispered one night, shaking the boy awake. CROW (Matt): Wake up and go to sleep. >"Not tonight," he muttered, swatting weakly at the finger prodding him. MIKE (Tai): I'm grumpy and I might snap at you. >"Not for that, let's go talk," Matt whispered, laughing softly. TOM (Tai): I said, not tonight. Let's get laid instead. >Tai grudgingly allowed Matt to lead him off a little ways into the woods. MIKE (Agumon): Off to have sex again? TOM (Matt): No, we're going to talk. CROW (Gabumon): Oh, "talk." Sure. Whatever. Wear protection, you don't want to get pregnant! >"What do you want to talk about?" CROW: I dunno. What do you want to talk about? TOM: I dunno. What do you want to talk about? MIKE: I dunno. What do you want to talk about? CROW: I dunno. What- >"What's up with you? You've been acting weird lately." TOM (Matt): You stopped throwing up every morning. >"More then normal?" Tai asked bitterly. MIKE (Tai): Can't a boy miss a couple of periods without everyone thinking he's preggers? >"I'm glad you took notice, in the whole not wanting anyone to know about >us, so you don't ever come near me." CROW: Huh? I mean, HUH? Is that "Keep away," or "You want to hide this, so you've kept away?" MIKE: In the whole I have no idea. >"That's not true," Matt said interrupting Tai's tirade. TOM (Matt): I think. You want to rephrase that sentence so I can understand it? >"Then why don't we tell them. I'm not ashamed, are you?" CROW (Matt): Yes. I got a boy pregnant. I'll never live this down. >Tai seemed near tears, which surprised Matt. MIKE: He was sure Tai would be bawling by now. >"I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't think you'd want them to >know incase they started treating us differently. TOM (Matt): See? I'm selfish for your sake! >We can tell them in the morning," Matt promised wrapping his arms around >his lover protectively. CROW: Matt even tied his arms in a cute little bow to cheer Tai up. >"Ok," Tai agreed, with a bit of a smile hinting at his lips. "I love you >Matt." MIKE (Tai): Or I do until my next round of morning sickness. >"I love you too Tai, despite your recent mood swings and many quirks." TOM (Matt): And your bullheadedness that's almost gotten us killed so many times. >"You know you love my quirks," Tai said pinching Matt's ass. MIKE (Matt): Not that one. Stop pinching me. >"That's not all I love," Matt said kissing Tai deeply. CROW (Matt): I love the smell of bacon in the morning, too. >"Come on, we should get back to camp." TOM (Matt): Izzy's going to cook pancakes! >"Why?" Tai whined. CROW (Matt): Mimi'll hog the syrup if we don't get there ahead of her. Come on! >"Because if we stay out here any longer I'm never going to let you return >to the others again." MIKE (Matt): I'll bury you here. >"That doesn't sound that awful," Tai said TOM (Tai): I am getting real sick of the others whining all the time. >rubbing his hand in Matt's crotch where he could feel the bulging erection >pressed up against his leg. MIKE: Since when do erections point down? >"But I guess you're right." CROW (Tai): You will abandon me here if we don't get going. >Matt groaned loudly but he did know they had to go back so he followed Tai >back to camp, trying to think clean thoughts and not stare longingly at >Tai's ass. MIKE: Tai's ass doesn't remind Matt of anything clean, so...gross! Tai's ass is dirty! Learn to wipe, Tai! TOM and CROW: EWWWWW! >The next morning Matt looked expectantly at Tai, TOM: And Tai just looked expecting. >who blushed slightly and ducked his head. CROW: Subconsciously, he's already dodging tomatoes. >"Do you not want to do it anymore?" Matt asked him as discreetly as he >could. TOM (Tai): Have sex? Of course I want to, but let's wait until after the baby comes! >"Could you do it?" Tai begged and his big brown eyes made Matt give in >immediately. MIKE (Matt): I knocked you up, didn't I? >"Sure. Hey guys," Matt said to get their attention. CROW (The others): Here it comes, the debutantes' "coming out" party. >When everyone looked at him he cleared his throat. "I have a sort of >announcement to make." MIKE, TOM, and CROW (The others): YOU'RE GAY. WE KNOW. >"What is it?" Sora asked him, and Mimi tilted her head to the side >expectantly. >"Tai and I are going out." MIKE (Sora): But, you just got back! >"What?" Sora asked loudly. CROW (Mimi): Ahhh! My ears! Teach me to tilt my head to one side. >"You and my brother, aren't you supposed to be dating girls?" Kari asked >doubtfully. TOM (Matt): Well, we discovered Tai is really your sister the hard way, so it all works out. >"Some people who aren't narrow-minded go out with the same sex," Mimi said >before Matt or Tai could say anything that would offend or hurt Kari's >feelings. CROW: Mimi's got that department covered. TOM (Mimi): But, some narrow-minded people are gay, too. >"It's perfectly normal and it's about time." MIKE: Homosexuality makes you punctual? >"What?" Tai demanded at the same time Sora did. MIKE: Sora, quit saying "What?" all the time! >"It's about time, I've been wondering when you were going to tell the rest >of us." TOM: They didn't need to tell you. You knew already, Mimi! >"You knew? How?" Matt asked. >"Gay-dar," she said tapping her head. CROW: Which rang hollow. >"You too?" Sora asked. MIKE, TOM, and CROW (Sora): What? >"Does anyone else want to come out while were at it?" TOM: Come out now and beat the rush! >"I guess I might as well," Izzy said. "Well technically I'm bi-sexual." MIKE: That's Izzy, technical even in his love life. CROW: He shows as much interest in boys as he does in girls: none whatsoever. >"Do you have any clue what they are talking about?" TK asked Kari. Kari >shrugged at made a circling motion near her head. TOM: Whoa! Huge slam on TK from Kari! MIKE: He deserves it. With Matt for a brother, he ought to be used to the whole concept of homosexuality by now. CROW: With one boy pregnant, Kari and TK should be worried that they might be uncles, or aunts, or both! >A about a week later Tai was still bigger, though only slightly, CROW: So he's almost back to normal. Must have been a false pregnancy. >his mood swings were getting more violent and at night Matt could find Tai >crying softly to himself. MIKE: But Matt learned to keep his distance after Tai invited him to feel a kick. TOM: Why was that? CROW: Matt put his hands on Tai's stomach to feel the baby kick, and Tai kicked him in the business district, so to speak. TOM: Ouch. >Of course Tai always denied it when Matt tried to console him, CROW (Tai): Matt was not trying to console me. >but it didn't really change the fact. MIKE (Matt): I am TOO trying to console you! >After a while Izzy and Jyou decided enough was enough and pulled Tai to the >side. TOM (Izzy and Jyou): Matt's had his share, now we want "some", too! >"Tai, what's up with you?" Jyou demanded. MIKE: Oh, no. Jyou's going to sing one of Eddie Murphy's horrible songs. This fanfic has officially settled on the reef. >"What do you mean?" Tai asked, a puzzled expression on his face. CROW: The same puzzled expression he has 24/7. >"If you were female I'd say you were pregnant, but you aren't so obviously >something else is going on," Izzy said. TOM: Thank you for that cul-de-sac in logic, Izzy. Write when you have something useful to contribute. >"I don't know," Tai said, tears filling his eyes though he wasn't sure why. MIKE: TK, start crying, or Tai's going to beat your record of most tears shed in a fanfic! >"It's so weird, but I can't explain it." CROW (Tai): I can't even explain what the "it" is that I can't explain. TOM: I think it's whatever it is that's "up with" Tai. At least, people keep wondering what's up with him. >"Maybe he is pregnant," Agumon said. MIKE (Agumon): Where'd I come from? >"He can't be," Jyou said with a laugh but he was worried when the other two >boys didn't laugh with him. CROW (Jyou): Hello, people! No uterus? No ova? >"Why not? The rules that apply to you in your world aren't the same as the >ones in the digital world." TOM: Oh, come on. Digimon do not carry their litters up their butts and them poop them out. MIKE: They don't even have sex. They hatch from magic eggs that materialize out of thin air at Primary Village. >"But it still couldn't happen could it?" Tai demanded spinning to face Izzy >directly. CROW (Izzy): Don't look at me, I'm not the med student! >"Agumon did have a point when he said the laws of physics work differently >here, MIKE (Izzy): But it was so stupid I'm going to ignore it and move on. >but as a male you can not have children if for a the simple reason that you >are not atomically able to when it would be time to birth the child." TOM: "Not atomically able?" Do you need plutonium to have kids in the Digital World? CROW: "Able to..." what? >"Unless a cesarean was preformed," Jyou said TOM: A "preformed cesarean?" You are never operating on me. I'm not letting you near me with so much as a tongue depressor, Jyou. >though it was still evident in his voice and stance that he didn't believe >any of it was possible. MIKE: Kid, Caesarean sections have been around a long time. You might as well start believing in them. >"What's that?" CROW (Izzy): Are you implying you know something the genius doesn't? >"When they cut a woman's stomach open because of some problem with the >pregnancy and they need to have the baby brought out as soon as possible." >Tai looked horrified. TOM (Jyou): Relax, Tai. You got pregnant from anal sex. We'll have to cut open your butt instead. >"Tai! Listen to me there is no way you can be pregnant. MIKE (Tai): Way! >You're a male for crying out loud, you don't have ovaries or anything. And >I seriously doubt you're the next Virgin Mary." CROW (Jyou): And just to make sure, I'm going to add vodka to you to guarantee you're a Bloody Mary. >"I'm not exactly a virgin," Tai muttered blushing brightly. MIKE (Tai): But I'm...like a virgin! TOM and CROW (Madonna): HEY! MIKE: Feel good? TOM: Yep! CROW: Thanks! >"But you're gay, how can you not be… oh," Jyou realized when Tai blushed >even more and grinned both sheepishly and guiltily. TOM: How cute. He's blushing for two now! >"Either way you still aren't pregnant!" MIKE (Jyou): Sheepish, you're not pregnant. Guilty, you're not pregnant. That's all there is to it. >"Jyou we can't rule it out as a possibility, there is no other condition >that we know of that has these symptoms." CROW: Sure there is! He's bloated, cranky, and apt to throw up. He probably has whatever Marlon Brando has. >"But it's impossible!" Jyou fairly yelled. TOM: Jyou's yell landed in the infield, rolled between the shortstop's legs, and was stretched into a double. >"No, it's merely improbable, CROW (Izzy): Granted, it's a 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to 1 chance, but that's still better odds than winning Powerball. >but in this environment the laws of physic have been greatly changed, MIKE (Izzy): For instance, the Digital World has only one physic. >and by some freak accident or miracle it just may have happened." TOM: Emphasis on "freak." >"It's not some clinical miracle Izzy, it is impossible and will never ever >happen and you know it." MIKE (Jyou): So there! Nyaaah! >"Why are you so worked up over this?" Izzy asked him, studying Jyou's face >critically. TOM (Izzy): Your glasses are so large, they make your face look triangular. The blue hair is ugly. >"I'm not worked up!" Jyou snapped. "I am merely stating a fact, something >you should realize Izzy." MIKE (Jyou): Do I explain computer stuff to you? Take my word on this, I'm the doctor of the group! >With that Jyou stormed off. CROW: We have a Jyou Warning in effect for Canadian County. Viewers in Yukon and El Reno should take shelter in storm cellars or an interior room of the house immediately. >Jyou pounded his fist against the tree had had begun to lean against. TOM: But, he just left! >He wasn't entirely sure why he was getting so worked up, and he wasn't >about to try to explain it to them. MIKE: Yeah. If they're dumb enough to think boys can get pregnant just because Tai did.... >He felt his crest shift under his shirt as he took a few deep breaths. The >crest of reliability. CROW: Which looks surprisingly like the Crest of Union Jack. >How ironic that he, the reliable one, the one who everyone was able to rely >on needed to be able to rely on certain things. TOM: Oh, bull. "Rai-ai-ain on your wedding day" really is ironic compared to that. >Wherever he went the laws of physics were the same, they never changed. MIKE: Jyou was doomed never to run across a chasm without falling, the way the Roadrunner can. >If Tai did turn out to be pregnant then his whole perception of reality >would be turned inside out, and then what would he rely on? CROW: He can rely on Tai, Izzy, and Agumon to rag on him about not believing them for a few years, at least. TOM: And he can expect all scientific knowledge to be pitched in the trash. >Jyou took a few more seconds to make sure his temper was in check before >returning to the others. MIKE: And? Is that it? The whole Taito was about Jyou? CROW: Take what you can get. TOM: I vote we get out of here. (MIKE, TOM, and CROW exit the theater. Doors slam as we return to the living quarters, which have been decorated with pastel crepe paper for a baby shower. The 18-year-old alternate universe versions of YAGAMI "Tai" TAICHI, very pregnant, and ISHIDA "Matt" YAMATO, very nervous, sit by GYPSY.) YAGAMI TAICHI: Feel how soft my hands are! GYPSY: (Nuzzles TAI's hand.) Ooooh, silky. When are you due? ISHIDA YAMATO: Another month. We can't wait! (MIKE enters with several Tupperware bowls.) MIKE: I've got the snacks. Hey, Tom, Crow, get in here! TOM and CROW (Offstage): NO! GYPSY: You're missing a great baby shower. TOM and CROW (Offstage): That's okay! MIKE: They're just shy. Who has dill pickles and sour cream? MATT: Mine! MIKE: Oh, I thought...oh, well. Onions on rye with butter? MATT: Mine, too. MIKE: Who asked for straight anchovy paste? MATT: I did. MIKE: Clamato, Yamato? MATT: Mmm-hmmm. Thanks. TAI: How can you eat like that? MATT: I'm nervous. I'm always hungry when I'm nervous. I can't help it. I've never been to a baby shower before. I've never had a baby before. TAI: You still haven't. (MATT carefully ignores this.) You'd better not plan on kissing me anytime soon if you eat all that. MATT: Okay, I won't kiss you, but only on the mouth. TOM and CROW (Offstage): Ahh! TMI! TMI! MIKE: Get in here! TOM and CROW (Offstage): NO! MIKE: I don't understand them. Please, accept my apologies. What are you having, Tai? Looks like I forgot it. TAI: Water with a slice of lime in it. My stomach is always a little unsettled. MIKE: Right! I'll go get that. Here's your chocolate-covered RAM chips, Gypsy. GYPSY: Thanks, Mike. MIKE: Gypsy's going to eat all the chocolate-covered RAM chips! CROW (Offstage): All yours, Gyps'! TOM (Offstage): Enjoy! MIKE: I'll go get your water, Tai. Right back. (Exit. Offstage: A faucet runs.) GYPSY: So, have you picked out names yet? TAI: No. I want to name the baby TK if it's a boy, and Kari if it's a girl. MATT: And I still think we should name the baby for my dad if it's a boy, and Tai's mom if it's a girl. GYPSY: What are their names? TAI and MATT: Uhhhhhh..... MIKE (Offstage): What is wrong with you?! You're being rude to our guests! They're going to think we're homophobes! Get out there! TOM (Offstage): No smegging way, Mike. They come from an alternate universe where the laws of nature are blithely ignored. Men aren't supposed to get pregnant, period. CROW (Offstage): We know it was an accident, we're happy for them, but we're afraid that if we go near them, we'll end up preggo ourselves. MIKE (Offstage): That's ridiculous! They're going to have light refreshments and open your presents, not shag you on the carpet. CROW (Offstage): Doesn't matter. You probably don't even have to have sex to get knocked up in their universe. TOM (Offstage): Yeah, you just walk by somebody in the mall, or maybe just look at a picture of them, and WHAM! You're great with child! MIKE (Offstage): I've had enough. Come on! (Scuffling.) CROW (Offstage): No, anything but that! Leggo my arm! TOM (Offstage): Mind my head, it's glass! Please, don't make us go out there, Mike! (MIKE enters, carrying TOM tucked under one arm and dragging CROW behind him.) TOM and CROW: No-o-o-o-o-o! Wa-a-a-a-a-h! MIKE: Be nice! GYPSY: We heard everything, Mike. MIKE: Oh, dear. Tai, Matt, I'm really sorry. MATT: It's okay. We were a little hesitant about coming to an alternate universe, too. TAI: Rest assured, male or female, you have to have sex to get pregnant in our universe, and it only works for guys in the Digital World. MIKE: See? You were upset over nothing. You could have just asked. TOM: Whew! That's a relief. Sorry about that, guys. CROW: Yeah, apologies all around. Um, just out of curiosity, how else does your universe differ from ours? MATT: I think you know most of it. Jyou only has a Japanese name. I kind of like his American name here. Nice ring to it. TAI: And Kari and TK have grown here. They look cute as teens. We need to look into ways to get our TK and Kari to age, Matt. MATT: Yep. And of course there's.... MIKE, TOM, CROW, and GYPSY: Male pregnancy. TAI: Right. There are some wierder AUs out there, though. MATT: Like the one where we were all over one hundred years old. Poor Jyou had bunions bad. The endless hiking must have been murder on his feet. TAI: And there was the one where the Digidestined were dogs. Instead of me, Matt, Sora, Izzy, Mimi, Jyou, Kari, and TK, there were Rex, Rover, Misty, Sport, Fifi, Spot, Fluffy, and Mr. Shivers. I still can't believe the holder of the Crest of Hope was a Chihuahua. And Jyou, er, Spot had fleas. MATT: Remember the universe where I was the leader? TAI: And you weren't making any progress? MATT: I couldn't help it if we were still stuck on File Island. Jyou got a Pipimon instead of a Gomamon. Everybody had to stop about every half a mile so Pipimon could go tinkle. But the creepiest one was that one where we were straight for no obvious reason. TAI: Oh, man! That was insane. What was really freaky was it was no different otherwise. Matt and I even held hands and got shot with love arrows to defeat Venom Vamdemon, and Matt somehow wound up married to Sora. MATT: Even the people living there couldn't explain it. Poor Sora, stuck with a latent homosexual. Poor Jyou, separated from Sora. CROW: Those do sound rough. I guess you're lucky you just have to bear children in your universe, Tai. TOM: I'm kind of surprised you didn't try for twins! (TOM laughs, but no one else does. MATT shifts uncomfortably.) I mean, Matt's not doing anything, and, you know, boys can get pregnant in your Digital World, and you really have to want twins the first time before you learn better and...ahem. CROW: Thank God you finally shut up. TAI: I still don't see why we couldn't have two. MATT: We don't know anything about raising children yet. TAI: This is a good time to start. MATT: Tai, you can't get out of a chair without help. How can I help you if I'm pregnant, too? TAI: You just don't love me. If you did, you'd have my baby like I'm having yours. (MATT grunts in exasperation and rolls his eyes. No one speaks for a few seconds.) TOM: So, I guess natural childbirth is out of the question, huh? MIKE: I think we should do Tom and Crow's presents. GYPSY: Oh, goody! Time to open more presents! MATT: Oh, that's okay. We don't want to put you guys out any further. TAI: That's right. The crib, bassinet, rocking chair, diaper service, Similac, and scholarship fund from Gypsy and the "Spit Happens" bib from Mike are more than enough. CROW: Well, if that's the way you feel about it.... TOM: Crow, we are not being left out of the gift giving to look like a couple of cheapskates, like Mike! MIKE: Hey! I got them a bib. TOM: Ooh, yeah, big investment. MIKE: Well, it's something useful for the baby. I hope you didn't take your cues from TV ads like you sometimes do, like giving 300 cases of Desitin or a set of Michelin tires. CROW: Oh, boy. Matt, Tai, we, uh, got you a gift certificate. Which Tom misplaced. TOM: Yeah, I misplaced it. I am so stupid. TAI: That's okay, you can mail it to us. What store's it from? CROW: Sears' Automotive. TOM: We have a tube of Desitin, too. ONE tube. Mike, you want to go fetch it out of one of those boxes in my room? MIKE: Does it matter which box? TOM: Not really, no. MATT: We really should get going. Hate to rush off, but we have to be getting back to our own universe now. TAI: Yeah, we're late for Lamaze class. If you could walk us to the universal portal, Mike? MIKE: Sure. We can swing by Tom's room for the, uh, butt stuff on the way. Say good night, guys! GYPSY: Good night! TOM: Goodbye! CROW: Good luck with the new baby! MIKE: Check with the Mads while I help our guests out, okay? (MIKE, MATT, and TAI exit.) GYPSY: So, Dr. F., what do you think about Tai and Matt's baby? Does it make you feel all squishy inside? CROW: Yeah, doesn't it make you want to have one of your own? TOM: I understand they're doing some interesting things in the world of reproductive medicine these days. (Onscreen: DR. FORRESTER and TV'S FRANK.) FORRESTER: Well, that was confusing and frightening. Maybe we should try a more conventional Taito this next time. Do you have anything from our universe, Frank? FRANK: Sure. I just got off the horn with a Sailor Goo-Chan, Yaoi Senshi. She volunteered a Taito called "Camping Out." It has Jun in it, too. FORRESTER: That'll work. You may fire when ready. FRANK: Are you sure you don't- FORRESTER: Positive, Frank. I'm not in the mood to be a single father. (MIKE enters.) MIKE: Well, that was nice. (Lights flash and sirens blare.) That isn't. Once again, FANFIC SIGN!