MST3K Digimon Lemonade! by don Jaime del Resfriado (James Reinbold) (jdreinbold@hotmail.com) Synopsis: When the Mads give Mike and the 'bots lemons -- terrible, terrible Digimon porn -- they make lemonade. Chapter 1: "Cody Expresses His Love For Izz!" by Spazoid Barney Chapter 2: "Veemon Gets Lucky" by Shadow Guyver 007 Chapter 3: "Lonely Brothers" by Eric Strife Chapter 4: "I Need A Woman!" by animefreak72 Chapter 5: "The Impossible Accident" by Taito's Child Chapter 6: "Camping Out" by Sailor Goo-Chan, Yaoi Senshi Chapter 7: "The Princess and the Computer Genius" by Kojiro Arigatou Chapter 8: "GETTING A CHARGE OUT OF ELECMON" by TOGASHI TSUKE Chapter 9: "On Purpose" by Christine Chapter 10: "Nature" by Lilac This chapter: Nothing will stop the author of "Getting a Charge Out of Elecmon" from writing a touching story of the love of a man and a woman, not even the fact that both of his protagonists are supposed to be male. (Doors open into the theater, where the next fanfic is already downloading. MIKE, TOM, and CROW enter and sit down.) CROW: Well, I'm sorry, Mike, I didn't think Koushirou'd get that upset. I'll send him a note. MIKE: You'd better. >Getting A Charge Out Of Elecmon TOM: He finally loans us his credit card. MIKE: SHOPPING SPREE! CROW: WHOO! >By: Togashi Tsuke MIKE: This author was brought to you by the letter "T". CROW: Care to translate, Tom? TOM: It's Japanese for "guy who really ought to know better". >***WARNING*** TOM: Danger, Will Robinson! >This story contains digimon/on digimon sex. MIKE: Is there an echo in here? Echo!(o!o!o!o!o!o!) Good loud one. >(Well, I guess that's not so bad, is it:) CROW: You might want to have cleared this study with the ethics committee before starting the survey.... >Anyway, if you don't like sex stories, or citrus fruits, don't read this >lemon. TOM: And if you do, don't read it anyway, 'cause it's bad. >Hey, I warned you. MIKE: Don't make me come up there! You don't want me to come up there! >You know how lemons can squirt you in the eye? CROW: I thought that was grapefruit. >Well, this story's kinda like that if you don't read this warning. MIKE: If you do read this warning, it's like buttercups and daffodils. >Wait a minute, what am I talking about? Where am I? Who are you people? TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, Admiral James Stockdale, the author of this fic. >Oh well, just read the lemon... MIKE: Writing a disclaimer can sure take it out of a body.... >Patamon and T.K. were glad to be alive. CROW: They disdained the clean death and wanted to be tortured first. >Tricked by Devimon into staying at his creepy mansion, TOM: Which he rented out for the opening credits for "Scooby-Doo." >and then being flung through the dark night still clinging to the bed they >were sleeping in was not the most pleasant of experiences. MIKE: And they didn't get their complimentary continental breakfast, either. >Patamon tried to reassure the small boy, but she was scared as well. CROW: Duh-huh? TOM: 'T the hell? MIKE: Whoops! The letter "S" can be such a tricky rascal. >Finally they both came crashing to earth. CROW: That sugar high couldn't last forever. >Patamon nudged herself under T.K.'s trembling arm. (TOM and CROW giggle.) MIKE: (Laughs.) "Herself?" Remember, kids, spellcheck is fun, but it won't catch everything. >"Come on T.K., it's going to be alright. CROW (Patamon): Since we landed in a pond, nobody will notice you wet the bed again. >We'll find the others, we'll find Matt, too, don't worry..." Patamon >trailed off. TOM (Patamon): Oh, who am I kidding? We're going to die out here alone and unloved. >She wasn't sure that they would. TOM: That keeps happening. I think he's seriously saying Patamon's a girl.... MIKE: So this guy saw half an episode of "Digimon" and decided to write porn about it?! CROW: It would appear so, Mike. Spooky, huh? >Both fell into a troubled sleep haunted by images of the horrible Devimon >staring down on them with glowing eyes and wicked fangs. CROW: Hey, wait! Don't we get to see the scene where Patamon saves T.K. by carrying him around by the butt of his soggy undies? TOM: Oh, I love that! "Brave Digimon Wedgies Chosen Child To Safety." Hee hee! >Patamon was the first to wake up. MIKE: She had to, or T.K. would use up all the hot water taking his shower. >She looked around. The surroundings were familiar, but something seemed >wrong. TOM (Patamon): Ahhh! Somebody nailed all the furniture to the ceiling! >The sky was moving by a lot faster than usual. CROW: It must be late for work. >Or was it something else? MIKE: Patamon can't recognize the sky. Remember, kids, this is why you don't sit too close to the TV. >She couldn't quite figure it out, but it seemed like they were...moving? TOM (Patamon): But I haven't finished packing! >"T.K., wake up!" she poked him in the ribs. CROW (T.K.): Hee hee! Stop, Patamon, I'm ticklish! >"Huh...Patamon, a...are we O.K.?" T.K. said sleepily. TOM (Patamon): NY do you ask, NE way? Need to CA MD for a CT scan? GA certain boy seems OK, so don't get NC. MI making sense? MIKE: I hurt ND head. I wish I had an AK 47 right now. CROW: OR you in trouble, Tom, you MT skull! >"Well, that all depends on what you mean by O.K." she replied. CROW: Patamon took semantics lessons from Bill Clinton. >"What do you mean?" MIKE: The world's first post-modern lemon. Nothing means anything. >"T.K., I think this island is moving." Patamon said. TOM (T.K.): Oh, the earth moved for you, too, huh? >"What do you mean? It's an island, how could it be moving?" CROW (T.K.): I've heard of continental drift, but does it apply to islands, too? >T.K. was getting noticeably concerned. MIKE: He's crying and wetting a lot faster than usual. >"I don't know, but I can tell that we're definitely going somewhere!" >Patamon said. CROW: Funny, I thought we were going nowhere. >"Well, what do we do Patamon? T.K. was trying to hide his fear, but Patamon >could always tell. MIKE: Just keep smiling. Patamon can smell fear.... >"T.K., we've got to find the others. TOM (Patamon): Unlike us, they're competent. >There's got to be someone else here with us. CROW (Patamon): Besides Devimon, who's right behind you and about to eat you! Made you look! Ha, ha! >The beds were all flying fairly close to each other. MIKE: I'm not surprised. Sealy Posturepedics are known as the Blue Angels of Bedding. >We'll find your brother, too." TOM (Patamon): We may not find him alive.... >T.K. cheered up. "Yeah, Matt! He'll know what to do! MIKE (T.K.): He'll sit in a corner and pout! >Let's go find him, Patamon." T.K. exclaimed. CROW (T.K.): But first, I'm going to strip to my tighty-whities and go for a dip. Will you fly me around fast afterwards so I can get dry? >The two set off through the woods, their spirits lifting with each step. TOM (Dean Martin): Spirit lifting? I'll drink to that! >Soon they came to a brightly colored village. Read, blue and yellow blocks >were scattered all over the ground. MIKE: Yes, we know we're supposed to read you, fanfic. No need to remind us. >Patamon recognized it immediately. "Primary Village!" he said. CROW: Just when I was getting used to Patawomon.... >"This is where all digimon grow up and are raised!" TOM (Patamon): They also come of age and turn into adults here! >T.K. laughed. "It's looks like such a fun place! MIKE (T.K.): The lines are short and the concessions are cheap. >Let's go Patamon!" T.K. took off with Patamon clinging to his hat. CROW (Patamon): Whoa! Slow down! Ever think of installing handlebars in this Elmer Fudd hat of yours? >After a brief time looking at the newborn digimon, MIKE: All of fifteen seconds! >the two became aware of someone around them. TOM (Patamon): These things we've been looking at? They might be newborn Digimon. >A short red digimon with a tuft of black hair charged them from behind. MIKE: Joe Pescimon! >Patamon yelled for T.K. to look out, and lunged to push the child out of >the way, CROW: And failed, since he outweighs Patamon by about forty pounds. >and they both landed on the ground in a pile. TOM: A pile of what? Do I even want to know? >"T.K., this is Elecmon! MIKE (T.K.): Pleased to meet you. Now quit trying to butt me. >He's the defender of primary village, CROW (Patamon): And also its galaga! >and watches over all the little digimon. TOM: When he isn't on the phone or raiding the fridge. >We shouldn't be fighting him, though. MIKE: He's recovering from hernia surgery. >He's a good digimon!" CROW (Patamon): He always goes on the paper! >"Well, he doesn't look so good now!" said T.K. as they both got up off the >ground. TOM (T.K.): He needs a makeover. >Patamon turned to face Elecmon. "Leave us alone!" she yelled out. CROW (Patamon): Bad good digimon! No! >"I have to protect this village!" MIKE (Elecmon): I've heard about you, kid! Leave before you start crying and flood us out! >Elecmon yelled as he let another huge bolt of lightning fly at Patamon. TOM: I wasn't aware he threw a first one. >She dodged, and filled her lungs with air. MIKE: Wow, Patamon's good. She just dodged a spark of electricity. And to think, Einstein said nothing moves faster than light.... >"Boom Bubble!!" But Elecmon was able to break the attack. CROW: He broke it, he has to pay for it. >Suddenly, T.K. ran out between the two. TOM: And Elecmon killed him, the end. >"Hold on you two! You shouldn't be fighting like this around the little >digimon! CROW (T.K.): Send them to their room first! >Why don't you do something else to resolve this instead of fighting?" MIKE (Elecmon): Okay, I'm going to engage in a police action with your tubby little friend, kid. Happy? >"Like what?" asked Elecmon. MIKE (T.K.): Like, um, I don't know. What are Digimon good at besides fighting? CROW: Make that, "Are they good at anything?" Digimon are kinda sucky fighters. TOM: Well, they eat a bunch. Maybe they'll have a pie eating contest. >"Well, you could, uh, ....play a game!" said T.K. TOM (Patamon): I've got the home version of "The Crying Game." >"Like have a tug of war! MIKE (Elecmon): Can't we just play Yahtzee? I'm real good at Yahtzee. >That would show who was stronger, and you wouldn't disturb all the little >digimon here!" CROW (Elecmon): Okay, but if I win, I still get to disembowel you two, got it? >Both digimon agreed. TOM: That T.K. was out of his gourd and this was the dumbest plan they'd ever heard. >Elecmon felt over confident looking at Patamon. MIKE: Who wouldn't? She's as wide as she is tall. CROW: I believe her name is short for Patabuttermon. >"I should be able to beat this little flying pot roast no problem!" he said >to himself. TOM: Somewhere, Bill Cosby cringes. >"FLYING WHAT?!?!?" MIKE (Patamon): I'll have you know I'm a flying roast suckling pig! >Patamon's eyes became huge as she started choking Elecmon with her short >paws. CROW: Nice going, Patamon. Now all the little digimon are disturbed. TOM: Yeah, Patamon should be disqualified for that. >"Um, I was just saying, uh....I don't know what I was saying! MIKE (Patamon): You were comparing me to a piece of meat. >I think you look fine!" exclaimed Elecmon, struggling to speak between >gasps for breath. TOM (Elecmon): If we keep basting you, you'll look delicious! MIKE: I think she'd look downright scrumptious with a little apple in her mouth. CROW: Don't forget the frilly booties! >"That's better." said Patamon, as she strutted away. CROW: Do we still have to have the tug-of-war? She just beat him up.... >Both digimon took their place at both ends of the rope. MIKE (T.K.): Opposite ends, guys! TOM and CROW (Patamon and Elecmon): Oh, yeah.... >T.K. was going to be the referee. TOM: But he's Patamon's partner! Shouldn't he recuse himself? >Patamon had put on her little sumo belt to appear like more of a >professional. MIKE: Yeah, professional tug-of-warriors always wear sumo gear. >T.K. shouted for them to begin. Both Elecmon and Patamon at first appeared >to be evenly matched, but Elecmon could have easily beaten her at any time. CROW: Remember when she kicked his butt five minutes ago? It doesn't mean anything. >He smiled as he toyed with her. MIKE: Shouldn't play with your food, Elecmon. CROW: He's going to eat her? (MIKE and TOM laugh.) Oh, thanks, Mike. Real funny. Play into the lemon's hands. TOM: Well, you stepped in it. You didn't hear me open my mouth. >He would taunt her just a little bit more, CROW (Elecmon): Your mother wears army boots! >and then put her away. TOM: Elecmon does his part to keep the Digital World tidy. >Then he realized that Patamon was really giving it her all. MIKE: Her tide and wisk, too. >He looked around and saw her straining with all her might on the rope. He >started to respect her. TOM: Took care, T.C.P. >He also snuck a quick look at her cute ass. CROW: Always a good idea to keep an eye on the ref...oh, that means her behind, not T.K.... >He stared for only a moment until he regained control. MIKE: Hey, Elecmon! Can I borrow the Cone of Silence? >'Elecmon, what are you thinking?' he thought to himself. TOM: I'm guessing "I have to protect the babies!" He yells that about every six minutes. >'She's way to young for you, and it would never work out! MIKE (Elecmon): She's Catholic and I'm Jewish. The crossfertilizing guilt would be beyond measure! >Besides, she's on this quest to destroy Devimon. I can't get involved.' CROW: Elecmon is a native New Yorker. TOM: Um, where did he learn they're fighting Devimon? Nobody mentioned it to him yet.... >The more Elecmon thought about it, the more it made sense. He completely >lost his footing (on purpose) and let Patamon throw him into the air. MIKE: He throws the fight. Great way to protect the babies, Elecmon. >Elecmon walked up to Patamon afterwards. CROW (Elecmon): I changed my mind. I'm going to go ahead and kill you. >"Well, I guess that you're stronger than me." He said. MIKE (Elecmon): Now you have to stay and protect the babies. I'm off to Bermuda! >Patamon looked at him and smiled. TOM (Patamon): Yup! You're a little crimson pantywaist! >"We can still be friends, though, right?" CROW: They haven't had sex and they're breaking up already. Looks like we missed the lemon part of this lemon. MIKE: That's a relief. >"Elecmon smiled back. "Yeah, friends. TOM (Elecmon): Sure. Whatever! >We'll be friends." CROW (The Rembrandts): I'll be there for you! >Patamon and Elecmon put their arms around each other and celebrated. MIKE (Three Dog Night): Celebrate! Celebrate! Dance to the music! >Patamon looked up at Elecmon and saw him flash her a quick grin. Patamon >was a little puzzled as to what it meant, but she soon forgot about it. TOM: Gee, d'you suppose it means he's happy? >T.K. and Patamon had just lain down for the night. They both felt safe in >Primary Village, and T.K. was out like a light. CROW: His head hit the pillow and he immediately started drooling on it. >Patamon worked her way out from under her arm and started to walk around. TOM: "HER arm?!" So T.K. is a girl, too?! MIKE: Christ. >Something was bothering her. She couldn't get Elecmon out of her head. CROW: Did she try using a Q-Tip? >She walked out towards the nearby lake and saw a lone figure staring out at >the water. TOM (Elecmon): What's wrong with me? I try to protect the babies and end up getting my keister kicked by an airborn haggis. >Patamon walked up and sat down next to Elecmon. CROW (Elecmon): Wow! I didn't spring for dinner or a movie, and already we're meeting at Make-Out Point! >They both just stared out at the water as the moon shone down and glistened >of the mirror surface, creating rippling patterns on both the digimon. MIKE (Patamon): So, if you knew we were here to destroy Devimon, why were you fighting us, hmm? >"Patamon spoke first. TOM: Elecmon spoke second. >"Elecmon, when you smiled at me before, it was more than just a 'let's be >friends' smile, wasn't it?" CROW (Elecmon): Yes, it was a "being polite in front of company I can't stand" smile. >Elecmon was quiet for a moment. MIKE (Elecmon): Just ignore her, maybe she'll go away.... >"Well, it's just that I saw something in you that I never had seen before >in any girl digimon, TOM (Patamon): Oh, my awesome man-batch? For the purposes of this fic, I have to be all woman, so try not to think about it. >or any digimon for that matter. You had a lot of courage, I mean real >courage, MIKE (Elecmon): I mean, really real courage. >enough to stand up to Devimon, and I really respect that." CROW (Elecmon): And I sensed all that from watching you pull on a rope. >"Oh, is that what you saw before." said Patamon. TOM (Patamon): I'd have sworn you were checking out my can. >She was a little disappointed. CROW: She has so much pride in that backside of hers. >"Well, you're incredibly cute, too." MIKE (Patamon): But you have no courage. >He smiled at her. TOM (Patamon): Oh, God, you're smiling at me again! Stop! >Patamon giggled. "You little sweet talker!" CROW: Um, he didn't say anything.... >"Well you can't blame me, can you?" he reached up and stroked to side of >her cheek. TOM: Then he stroked to back of her cheek, then to front of her cheek.... >Patamon looked into his eyes, while he was lost hers. CROW: He lost her eyes? How careless can you get?! TOM: This is exactly why you don't loan your eyes out to people. MIKE: She's crawling around on the ground, feeling for her eyes.... >Elecmon leaned forward and embrace her in a deep kiss. MIKE: Then he smooch her in a big hug. >Patamon sighed deeply. TOM: And accidentally boom-bubbled Elecmon into the next county. >She wrapped her wings around him to envelop them both in her warmth. They >just embraced for almost an hour. CROW: An hour? Good way to get horrible cramps. >Elecmon was just about to take it to the next level when Patamon broke >away. TOM (Elecmon): Wanna see the mezzanine? MIKE (Patamon): I'm sorry, this is my floor. >"Elecmon, I just can't do this. Not now. I have to look out for T.K. CROW (Patamon): He's always snoopin' around when I'm trying to get "some." >He's my responsibility." TOM (Patamon): And if I bring him back with dings, they're going to keep my deposit. >"He'll be fine. There aren't any evil digimon around for miles." MIKE: Yes, but those miles are straight up a sheer cliff. All Devimon has to do is step off his balcony and flap his wings a little, and he's there! >"No, you don't understand. I can't stay here with you. CROW (Elecmon): I wasn't asking you! >I need to go with him tomorrow. It would just be too difficult if we… TOM (Patamon): Stayed here in safety and let the others find us. >Elecmon, I'm just so sorry!" MIKE (Patamon): I'm so sorry, Uncle Albert! >Patamon ran off towards the village. Elecmon was about to go after her, but >he understood. CROW: All these years babysitting have taught him the way of the crybaby. >He sat down and just stared out at the water. TOM (Elecmon): Fine. I'll watch the submarine races by myself. >T.K. and Patamon joined up with the others in a few days. MIKE (The others): Rats. They found us. >The group faced many dangers in the future. CROW: Most of them self-inflicted. >Patamon was key to defeating two of the most dangerous opponents that the >team encountered, like Devimon and Piedmon. MIKE: Not Devimon and Piedmon themselves, just opponents like them. >She was always there when they needed her. CROW: Physicians' Mutual. >The Digidestined finally went up against Apocalamon, but even he could not >defeat them. TOM: And he was the number one seed. >Then came the hardest day for Patamon and T.K. MIKE: February 29. They just couldn't comprehend the concept of leap years. >Gennai told the kids that they would have to go back to their world, >leaving their digimon friends behind. CROW (Gennai): Thanks for saving our world. Now, SCRAM! >T.K. and Patamon had a hard time saying good-bye. TOM: So they said "so long" instead. >Right after the break-up, all the digimon felt lost and alone. MIKE: I blame Yoko Ono. >Many wondered aimlessly for years, not knowing what to do, but Patamon knew >immediately were her place was. CROW: Patamon's the only one who can keep track of her day planner. >It almost seemed like a sign; TOM: But it turned to be only a portent. >that her days of service were over, and now she was granted a rest. CROW: We present this gold watch to you, Patamon.... >She started down the road to Primary Village. MIKE: There's a road to that tiny, isolated island? Why did the kids take a raft to get to the continent when they had a bridge? >Patamon could see the now renewed village in the distance. TOM: It got picked up for another season. >After defeating the Dark Masters, the village had returned to it's previous >state. CROW: Wow, the village of wittle babies beat up the Dark Masters! What a bunch of wussies Piedmon and friends are! >But something was different. MIKE: It was the same, but it was different. >There were a lot more little digimon! CROW: So call Orkin. >All the digimon that were destroyed during the fight against the evil >digimon were being reborn, MIKE: You'd think one of them would have attained nirvana by now. >and Elecmon had his hands full. TOM: Elecmon, you might invest in a stroller or two. >Patamon bounded down the hill, eager to see him again. CROW: Guess she forgot Elecmon shoots first and asks questions later. >"Elecmon, it's me! It's Patamon!" she yelled out happily. TOM: And Elecmon drops the babies and flees in terror. >Elecmon could hardly believe his eyes. "Patamon! You're alive! I was >worried I'd never see you again!" MIKE: If she were dead, he'd be bound to see her. She'd be reconfigured in Primary Village! >Elecmon's happy reunion was broken short by the crying of infants. TOM (Patamon): Ah, the sound of crying children! It's like T.K. never left. >"Um, could we talk later? I'm a little busy now!" CROW (Patamon): Sure! I'll pencil you in for a 10:30 appointment. >"Sure!" Patamon said. "It seems I have all the time in the world..." MIKE (Elecmon): Fine with me. I didn't want to talk to you till time ended anyhow. >The two working together were soon able to restore a small amount of order >to the chaos of the village. TOM: Specifically, they cleaned out one closet. The rest of the village is still a disaster. >Later that night, all the little digimon actually calmed down and slept, MIKE: All the babies sleeping at the same time?! This IS fiction. >granting the two tired workers some time to themselves. CROW: One whole hour between bottle feedings. >Patamon was finishing her story about how they defeated the evil digimon. TOM: Can we listen in? I'd like to have some of the plotholes filled in. >"...and then Apocalamon de-digivolved us to rookie forms, and turned us >into data, MIKE (Patamon): And then he turned us into worf, and then geordi, but the worst was when he turnes us into wesley. >but using the powers already inside of the kids, we were able to digivolve, >and reform into our old selves. Then we cleaned that guy's clock!" she >giggled a little. CROW (Patamon): It was filthy! Gunk in all the gears, the hands rusted to the dial.... >Elecmon liked to watch her laugh. MIKE: But listening to her laugh was a chore. >"But then Gennai said that the gate between our world and the children's >world was closing, and they had to go." TOM: It's just Number One. They'll be right back. >She trailed off. "T.K.'s gone now, Elecmon...." she started crying. MIKE (Patamon): I just know he's seeing other Digimon behind my back! >"Patamon, don't worry. You'll see them again, especially T.K. TOM (Elecmon): T.K. got his hand stamped. >But right now, I'm here for you." He stroked the area between her wings CROW: That would be her "head." >as he cradled her head in his other arm. She looked up at him. MIKE (Patamon): Why are you petting me like a dog? CROW (Elecmon): 'Cause I'm about to make you my bitch! MIKE: CROW! CROW: Well, you asked! >"I'll always be there for you." Elecmon said to her. TOM (Elecmon): Right over there behind that locked door. >"Elecmon, you don't have to say that. I'm fine." Patamon didn't want to >seem too sensitive. CROW: Even though she can out-cry T.K., she doesn't want the reputation. >She had a reputation as being the strongest around to keep! MIKE: There are stronger Digimon, but they're all under the size limit, so you have to throw them back. >Elecmon smiled at her. "Always acting brave, I see. TOM (Elecmon): You can stop pretending. Everyone knows you aren't. >Just like T.K." he said. CROW (Patamon): Yeah, T.K.'s brave act is pretty feeble, too.... >"Patamon, I have something to tell you. MIKE (Elecmon): I'm gay. TOM (Patamon): Shoot! And I became a girl especially for you! >Do you remember that little tug of war we had before?" CROW (Patamon): Mmm-hmmm. I can't believe you hogged that last piece of pizza. >"Yes." Patamon said MIKE (Elecmon): I want a rematch. >"Well, I was becoming attracted to you even then. CROW (Elecmon): The attractive vein in your forehead, the aroma of your sweat, the cute way you farted when you tensed your muscles.... >I sort of, um, let you win so that you wouldn't hate me for attacking you." >Elecmon blurted out. TOM: Bull! You threw the match so you wouldn't have to date her! >"You what?" Patamon acted surprised. MIKE (Patamon): All right. I'll hate you for underestimating my abilities. >She tried to act serious, but she let out a little giggle. CROW: She's releasing her laughter back into the wild. >"You knew?!?" Elecmon's jaw dropped. TOM (Patamon): You didn't know I knew? CROW (Elecmon): You didn't know I didn't know you knew? >"Well, it was sort of obvious, silly!" MIKE (Patamon): I think I know how much of a loser I am! >Patamon broke away from the surprised Elecmon and strutted away from him. TOM (Patamon): Well, enough about that! Those babies aren't going to burp themselves. >But, I was sort of thinking that we could, well, test your strength some >other way?" CROW (Patamon): I want a man who can chop firewood! >she laughed as she looked over her back, seductively staring at the >digimon. MIKE: A fixed gaze is seductive? >"You know that I love the way you laugh?" MIKE (Elecmon): But everything else you do turns my stomach. >Elecmon came up behind her and ran his fingers down the downy softness of >her back. CROW: Hey, Tom, how do you get down off a Patamon? TOM: I don't know, Crow, how do you get down off a Patamon? CROW: You don't get down off a Patamon. You get down off a duck! TOM and CROW: HA HA HA HA HA HA! MIKE: God. >He reached the sensitive area under Patamon's wings, and started massaging >her. Patamon enjoyed the attention. TOM: She liked the at-ease and dismissal, too. >It was more than she had got for many months. CROW: T.K. didn't have any talent for shiatsu. >Elecmon and Patamon were now both very much into this. MIKE: Y'know, the last story written with this much rubbing had genies in it. >Elecmon leaned forward and trailed kisses from Patamon's chest all the way >to the digigirl's cute face, and eventually deeply kissing Patamon. TOM (Elecmon): Well, time for the Frenching part of this fic. Might as well do it now and get it over with. >Patamon returned the kiss. MIKE: And exchanged it for a food processor. >She was ready this time. CROW: She studied hard and brought sharp No. 2 pencils. >Elecmon continued the kiss as Patamon lay down on her side. TOM: And rolled into a ditch. MIKE: She is one roly-poly Digimon. >She looked so seductive laying there, her eyes flickering in the fire. CROW (Nat "King" Cole): Eyeballs glowing on an open fire.... >Elecmon practically dove on her as he continued. TOM (Elecmon): Mosh pit! Whoo! >As the two kissed, Elecmon worked his hand down between Patamon's legs, MIKE: The front ones or the back ones? >and began to bring even more pleasure to the small digimon. CROW: He had it Fed Exed in. >Patamon began to moan out slightly. Elecmon broke away his kiss to trail >down to Patamon's now wet crotch. TOM: Oh, no, not golden showers! Ick! >He reached out his long, slender tongue, and began to lick the sweet juice >from Patamon. CROW: She's been bathing in Ocean Spray. >Patamon moaned as she grabbed Elecmon's head with her small paws, rubbing >the area between his long ears, MIKE: His "scalp." >and enjoying the warmth coming from between her legs. CROW: Those Digimon sure love their heating pads. >She had brought herself pleasure like this before, but with Elecmon it was >much better! TOM: You know, I would have thought Patamon's legs were too short for her to masturbate. >Patamon bucked her hips against Elecmon's face, flooding his mouth with her >juice as she had her first small orgasm. CROW: Wait, fanfic, you said she played with herself before! MIKE: She must not be very good at it if this is her first jism. >She caught her breath for a moment, and then looked hungrily at Elecmon. MIKE (Patamon): Want to grab a quick bite before we continue? I make great pasta primavera. >"Your turn." she smiled. TOM (Elecmon): Again? What do you think I'm doing over here, light filing? It's your turn to do me now! MIKE: I thought she said that. TOM: She did? Oh. >Before Elecmon could say anything, Patamon dove on him, CROW: These two dive more than Greg Louganis. >and immediately began to lick his groin, coaxing his already growing member >out of his pouch. MIKE (Rolf Harris): All together now! MIKE, TOM, and CROW (Rolf Harris): Tie me Elecmon down, sport! Tie me Elecmon down! Tie me Elecmon down, sport! Tie me Elecmon down! >(If you missed previous stories, All male digimon have a small pouch to >hide genitalia in. TOM: I didn't miss the previous stories. I thoroughly enjoyed not reading them. CROW: That explains the guys. Now, why do female Digimon have that Barbie doll look? MIKE: I bet those pouches come in handy at customs. >Basic stuff, people! Shesh) TOM: Basic spelling and punctuation, people! Sheesh. >Patamon took his entire 6 inches into her mouth, CROW: SIX INCHES?! Elecmon's maybe a foot and a half long, tops! TOM: Just like V-mon before. What is it with the giant digimembers?! >tickling it's length with her tongue tip as he thrust slowly into her sweet >mouth. MIKE (Patamon): Mmmph! Get your batch out of my esophagus! >Elecmon could not even describe the immense joy he was feeling. CROW: He got a D in speech class. MIKE: Ironically, he flunked his orals. >He had also never been with another digimon before, and had already >masturbated before, TOM: What, just tonight? >but man, this was so much better! CROW: It's, like, radical, duuuude! >Patamon had taken his dick so deeply, MIKE: That it was prodding her in the pancreas. >that she was now able to carress his balls with her tongue, playing with >them as she still massaged his shaft inside her moth. TOM: Moth...balls...mothballs! MIKE: I thought this fic smelled odd. >Patamon grunted as he reached his orgasm, thrusting hard into her mouth. CROW (Patamon): Careful! You'll get caught in my braces! >***Author's note: Just like my other stories, all the male digimon reach >orgasm diiferently. TOM: Some do it in a house. Some do it with a mouse. MIKE: Some do it in a box. Some do it with a fox. CROW: Some do it with a goat. Some do it on a boat. MIKE, TOM, and CROW (Elecmon): I will not do this flying ham. I will not do her, Sam-I-Am. >Elecmon reaches constantly building orgasms, each time having a more >intense one than the last. CROW: So Elecmon has multiple orgasms...which would kind of make him a girl, too. TOM: I think we're reading a yuri fic in disguise. >Please continue:) MIKE: Please? I'll buy you an ice cream cone if you do. >Patamon swallowed the small amount of cum easily, and sucked hungrily >expecting more. CROW (Patamon): Sorry, I skipped lunch. >Elecmon showed all the signs that he was done. MIKE: He smoked a cigarette, turned over, and fell asleep. TOM: Huh? What happened to the constantly building orgasms? >"No more?" Patamon asked, dissapointedly. CROW (Elecmon): Do you see an on/off switch anywhere in my area pouch? >"Hey, it takes more than that to finish me off! TOM (Elecmon): You have to drive a stake in my heart! >Lets go again." Elecmon said, regaining his composure. MIKE: So he's finished, but he's not. That was a fast recovery. >He reached out and turned Patamon around, presenting her cute ass to >Elecmon. CROW: Hey, T.K.'s back! Oops, sorry. I keep making that same mistake. >He reached out and caressed Patamon's intimate area, causing the flying >digimon to gasp. TOM: And slap his face. MIKE (Patamon): Fresh! >Patamon was getting quite wet again. CROW: Elecmon gave her a dribble glass. >Elecmon noticed and slipped a finger into her wet pussy. MIKE (Elecmon): Hey, you've got a pouch for your privates just like mine! >Patamon moaned and thrust back at him. Elecmon knew she was ready. TOM: Took long enough. I mean, she's already had an orgasm and everything. >He put his dick at her smooth opening, and slowly worked his length into >her. MIKE: And since Patamon is shorter than six inches, his batch sticks out of her mouth. >Patamon could feel every inch as it filed her completely. CROW: He's actually grinding her down with his giant willie! >For being such a small digimon, she was still able to accomadate Elecmon's >full length. TOM: Like those chameleons that have tongues longer than their entire bodies. >When he finished, Elecmon looked down to see Patamon's pussy bulging around >his cock. CROW (Patamon): Honey, does your area make mine look fat? >The sight was possibly the most erotic he'd ever seen. MIKE: Elecmon doesn't get out much. >He attacked her cunt, TOM: He tries a flanking maneuver and misses completely. MIKE (George S. Patton): Elecmon, you magnificent bastard! I read your fanfic! >thrusting slowly at first to pick up a rhythm, CROW: The rhythm's going to L.A. to become a big movie star. >and then increasing speed to bring more pleasure to both the digimon. MIKE (Elecmon): Can't drive 55. >Patamon could feel her orgasm coming, as her pussy began to radiate with a >feeling of warmth. TOM: She's going to give Elecmon radiation poisoning! >Elecmon also felt his cum forcing into this hot digimon, as he worked at a >feverish pace to work farther into Patamon. MIKE: Elecmon, if you'd choose partners bigger than your wang, you wouldn't have trouble getting inside them. >He eventually released his second load deep into Patamon. CROW: It took him a couple of days, but he did succeed in the end. >The feeling of the larger amount of cum blasting into her brought Patamon >to her next orgasm, screaming out so loud that she hoped the babies >wouldn't wake up. MIKE: (Yawns.) Don't sweat it, Pats. Your love-making will lull them back to sleep again. >Patamon could feel Elecmon's hot cum dripping down her backside as he >pulled out of her. TOM: She found herself wondering how he had ejaculated onto her rear end while wedged inside her body. >But she could tell that he wanted even more. In fact, the first two orgasms >had just been a warm up for Elecmon. CROW: I'm betting the manager pulls him for the relief pitcher. >Now he was ready to have his third and most powerful orgasm. MIKE: Too bad for him his previous two feeble orgasms turned Patamon off. >Lubricated with the cum from their last 'round', Elecmon placed the tip of >his smooth red dick at the entrance to Patamon's ass. TOM: Please tell me she isn't going to digivolve to Shish-Ka-Patamon. >Patamon was originally concerned about this, but as Elecmon pushed into her >tight hole, she found that she actually liked it! CROW: She doesn't think she'll like it, but she goes ahead anyway. >The feeling of being stretched even more to fit Elecmon was even more >erotic then having conventional sex. TOM: "Conventional sex?" So that's who Rob Lowe was with in that video! MIKE: What was the point of making Patamon a girl if she's going to prefer butt sex anyway? CROW: Good call, Mike. Y'know, fanfic, denial is not just a river in Africa.... >She could even reach her paw between her legs and finger herself. TOM: How do you finger things with a paw? >She was squeling in delight with each thrust of Elecmon. CROW: Patamon practices her Monica Seles impression. >He began to sweat heavily from his exertion, rubbing against Patamon's >bottom with each push, driving into her as deep as possible. MIKE: Right into the water hazard. That'll cost him a stroke. >Elecmon finally let out one deep groan as he pushed all the way into the >digigirl, TOM: Y'know, if Elecmon had worn his 220-volt adapter, he'd have fit securely from the get-go. >nearly ablaze from the fiery last orgasm that he was having. CROW: And if he was properly grounded, sex with him wouldn't constitute a fire hazard. >His cum shot over and over into Patamon, and the spreading warmth inside of >her caused her to cum all over her paw. MIKE: If your partner has to masturbate, you're doing it wrong. >She slid to the ground in a deep sleep, with Elecmon still holding his hot >cum deep inside of her. CROW (Elecmon): Honey, wake up, I'm stuck inside you! >The next day Elecmon got up first and cleaned the two of them off. TOM (Elecmon): Man, you're filthy. I can see now why your partner thought you would digivolve into a pig. >Patamon awoke to find him lovingly wiping her clean. MIKE (Elecmon): Didn't your mommy teach you how to wipe your behind? >"Elecmon, you know that T.K. isn't coming back for like a hundred >digiyears, or so. CROW (Patamon): And that's with time off for good behavior. >At least that's what Gennai says." Patamon said. MIKE: Then Gennai's an idiot, because the Real and Digital Worlds were synchronized at the end of the first series. >"What, you think you're not going to be able to handle me that long?" >Elecmon stood up proudly. CROW (Patamon): Sex for one hundred years straight? Your expectations are even more grotesquely humongous than your area. >Patamon giggled. "No, sillymon. I was just wondering if you would be able >to take care of all the babies." She winked at him. CROW (Elecmon): What?! Didn't you take your digipill? TOM (Patamon): Hey, don't take it out on me. You're the one who forgot your digirubbers! >"I, well, I, um...." Elecmon, for once, was speechless. MIKE: This is the charge we waited to get out of Elecmon? I think his battery ran down. >THE END >Questions, Comments, Requests? CROW: Well. That was unusual. I mean, he's clearly seen a lot of "Digimon", so he must have some reason he decided to write Patamon as a woman. TOM: Maybe it's supposed to be a joke, and we got whooshed. Or an AU fic. I dunno. MIKE: Don't worry about it, guys. Just be glad this author decided to write a fanfic based on "Digi-Baby Boom" and not an Etemon episode. TOM and CROW: EWWWWW! (MIKE, TOM, and CROW exit the theater. Doors slam as we return to the living quarters, which are dark. The lights go up to reveal them done over in neon pastel shades, with one large podium to the left and two smaller podiums to the right. TOM and CROW are at the two smaller podiums. GYPSY, in a frilly white dress, stands in the foreground.) GYPSY: And now it's time for America's favorite game show, "Guess That Gender!" (Canned applause plays.) TOM and CROW: Yaaay! GYPSY: And now here's the host of "Guess That Gender!", Michael J. Nelson! (More canned applause plays.) TOM and CROW: Yaaay! (MIKE enters with everything a game show host needs: shellacked hair, a cheap ssuit, little blue answer cards, and a two-foot-long microphone. He also has the smarmy fake laugh down pat.) MIKE: Ah-ha-ha! Hello, and welcome to "Guess That Gender!" I'm your host, Michael J. Nelson, and are you ready to Guess That Gender?! TOM and CROW: YES! MIKE: All right! Ah-ha-ha! But first, let's meet today's contestants. First up is Crow T. Robot! CROW: That's my name, don't wear it out! MIKE: And what do you do for a living? CROW: I'm a robot on an orbiting satellite. MIKE: Fascinating! And do you have any hobbies you'd like to tell us about? CROW: Yes, I do. I collect the hair and fingernails of my enemies to make into cute little dolls! MIKE: Excellent! Ah-ha-ha! And here's our other contestant, Tom Servo! TOM: Pleasure to be here, Mike! MIKE: And what do you do for a living? TOM: I also am a robot on an orbiting satellite. MIKE: Ah-ha-ha! Isn't that a coincidence! And is there anyone special out there in the audience you'd like to say "Hello" to? TOM: Indeed there is, my former third-grade teacher, the Ultramechanobot 4500. That bucket of bolts said I'd never amount to anything. Look at me now, Ultramechanobot! I'm on TV and you ain't! And "ain't" is too a word! Ha, ha, neener, neener! MIKE (Going to his podium): Ah-ha-ha! Well, that's just great! Now, before we begin, let's go over the rules of "Guess That Gender!" I give you the name of a character from "Digimon" and you guess that gender. Sounds easy enough? TOM and CROW: Yup! MIKE: Okay, let's begin! Your first gender to guess is...Patamon! TOM: (Buzzes in.) Male! MIKE: Oooooh, sorry, no. Female! Crow gets the five points! TOM: Whoops! Didn't know we were basing this on the last fanfic. MIKE: Here's your next character...Digitamamon! CROW: (Buzzes in.) Female! MIKE: Correct! Another five points for you! TOM: But Digitamamon has a really deep masculine voice! CROW: Yes, but Digitamamon is an unhatched egg. Eggs are female sex cells, you know. TOM: Um, okay.... MIKE: Your next character is...Arukenimon! TOM: (Buzzes in.) Female! MIKE: Oooooh, so close, but no. Male. Crow gets the five points. TOM: C'mon! Arukenimon is a woman. CROW: Was or was not Arukenimon made from the DNA of Oikawa Yukio? TOM: Okay, that's true, but.... CROW: And is or is not Oikawa a man? TOM: That's true, too, but.... CROW: I rest my case. Next! MIKE: Comin' up! Your clue is...Numemon! CROW: (Buzzes in.) Female! MIKE: Right again! TOM: Not possible! Every single Numemon there is chases Mimi! CROW: Lesbians, Tom. MIKE: That's right, Tom, rampaging mutant lesbians. CROW: Which, incidentally, would be a good name for a punk rock band. TOM: Um, guys, this isn't funny any more. We don't have to gender-bend every single character in the show just because the last fic turned Patamon into Mr. B. Naturalmon. MIKE: I don't get you. TOM: Oh, forget it. MIKE: Okay, your next clue is...Mrs. Ichijouji! CROW (Buzzes in): Male! MIKE: Absolutely right! Another five points! TOM: What?! MRS. Ichijouji is a GUY?! Are you on crack? How could anyone in their right mind confuse Ken's Olive Oyl-ish mom with a man?! MIKE: Nevertheless, that is the correct answer. TOM: Give me a break. MIKE: And that's a five point loss for Tom for delaying the game, which makes Crow today's winner! CROW: All right! Thanks for the assist, Tom. TOM: OH, YEAH? (Bursts into tears.) Well, you're all just a bunch of stupidheads, that's what you are! Only a stupidhead would think every man he sees is a woman and every woman he sees is a man! CROW: You are aware that "stupidhead" takes the feminine pronoun, don't you? TOM: Wa-a-a-a-ah! (Exits.) CROW: I think we overdid it there. MIKE: I better go check on him. (Starts to leave.) CROW: Wait a minute. What about the lightning round? I can't be the grand prize winner if I don't win the lightning round. MIKE: Um, okay, but we should make it quick, Crow. CROW: I believe that is the working definition of a "lightning round." MIKE: Uh, yeah. Shogun Geckomon? CROW: The baritone? Female. MIKE: Good. Leomon? CROW: A woman. Dig that Tammy Wynette 'do. MIKE: Right. Devimon? CROW: Female. MIKE: Right again. Lady Devimon? CROW: Male. Those Devimon are tricky. MIKE: Yup. That creepy guy who wanted Ken to sign his copy of "Donkey Madness"? CROW: That guy was a gal, Mike. MIKE: Uh-huh. Akiyama Ryo? CROW: Who?! PASS! Next question! MIKE: Sure. Sylphimon? CROW: Let me see...one male Digimon and one female Digimon join to become ma...no, fem...no, both. Wait! Neither! MIKE: Oh, that's okay, Crow, you're the grand prize winner, you win, blah blah blah. Now, I've gotta go soothe Tom. We'll throw to commercial in the meantime. Now, Crow, no gloating. CROW: Of course not, Mike! That would be rude. (MIKE exits.) I won. I won. Ha, ha, ha, I won.... GYPSY: MIKE, CROW'S GLOATING! CROW: I AM NOT! MIKE (Offstage): CROW, STOP GLOATING! (Onscreen: DR. FORRESTER and TV'S FRANK, who is sitting at a MIDI keyboard.) FORRESTER: Guests of "Guess That Gender!" fly Satellite of Love Airways. Tasteless meals, uncomfortable seats, lost luggage, and constant delays are just a part of our service. The current in-flight movie is a real stinkaroonie called "On Purpose" by someone who shall remain anonymous for now. FRANK: This program was brought to you by Paul Meade Insurance. For all your auto insurance needs, just call Paul! (Pushes a button and sings as a country-western jingle plays.) Bum-bum-bum! Protecting all the things you own, like cars 'n' trucks 'n' motor homes! FORRESTER: Frank. FRANK (Sings): Accidents and tickets, too! FORRESTER: Frank! FRANK (Sings): Call and we'll take care of you! FORRESTER: FRANK! FRANK (Sings): 524-154...Whaaaat?! FORRESTER: Why are you doing this? I was taunting Nelson by playing along with his game show fantasy. Stupid fake ads are not good taunts. FRANK: So what's fake? The insurance people and the jewelry store are paying us five hundred dollars a pop for these. FORRESTER: Five hundred...? Play that jingle! (FRANK pushes another button and a Christmasy '50s-era jingle with sleigh bell sound effects plays.) FRANK and FORRESTER (Sing): Ching-ching-ching-ching-ching-ching-ching-ching! FRANK (Sings): Jew'lry is the gift to give! FORRESTER (Sings): It's the gift that gives and gives! FRANK (Sings): So give the gift you know won't fail! FORRESTER (Sings): At B.C. Clark's... FRANK and FORRESTER (Sing): Anniversary Sa-a-a-a-ale! Chingy-chingy-CHONKY-CHONK! (MIKE and TOM have returned. TOM is still crying.) MIKE: It'll be okay, Tom. You'll get some lovely parting gifts. GYPSY: Yeah, a year's supply of 2000 Flushes. CROW: It really works, for up to four months! TOM: So I get three whole boxes of bleach. I don't even use the bathroom, dammit, I'm a robot! Wa-a-a-a-ah! (Lights flash and sirens blare.) Oh, and on top of everything, there's FANFIC SIGN! Wa-a-a-a-ah!