MST3K Digimon Lemonade Too! By James Reinbold Chapter 1: A Tale of a Sister's Bitterness by Jade Diamond Chapter 2: Anti-Me: Sound and Sweat by Pretty Pretty Princess Chapter 3: Our Rainfall by DigistarDBZ Chapter 4: It's All My Fault by Goldstar44 Chapter 5: Through Sickness and Health by Angeteen Chapter 6: Terriermon's Unusual Day by Gabumatic Chapter 7: by Chapter 8: by Chapter 9: by Chapter 10: by In the not-too-distant future Somewhere in Time and Space Mike Nelson and his robot pals Are caught in a nasty place. They'll try to survive the wrath of Pearl Just an evil gal who wants to rule the world From her castle below she sets her sights above Just to torture all her captives on the Satellite of Love. MIKE NELSON: Get! Me! DOOOOWN! PEARL FORRESTER: I'll send him cheesy movies The worst I can find! PROFESSOR BOBO and the OBSERVER: La, la, la! PEARL: He'll have to sit and watch them all And I'll monitor his mind! BOBO and OBSERVER: La, la, la! Now keep in mind Mike can't control Where the movies begin or end He'll try to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends. Robot roll call! CAMBOT: You're on! GYPSY: I'm a star! TOM SERVO: Check me out! CROOOW: I'm different! If you're wondering how he eats and breathes And other science facts (BOBO and OBSERVER: La, la, la!) Just repeat to yourself "It's just a show! I should really just relax For Mystery Science Theater 3000." (The Satellite of Love. CROW T. ROBOT, wearing a Stetson, and TOM SERVO, holding up an armful of pine tree air fresheners, talk quietly. MIKE NELSON enters.) MIKE NELSON: Hi, everyone! Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike, and I'm marooned up here as part of an experiment by an evil mad scientist's mother trying to find a bad movie or fanfic with which she can take over the world. This is Tom and Crow. They help me fight the bad movies and fanfics. Say hello to the nice people, guys. CROW T. ROBOT: DO YOU WANNA BUY A NEW OR USED TRUCK? THEN COME ON DOWN TO THE MAGNIFICENT MILE OF CARS! TOM SERVO: WE'VE GOT ACRES AND ACRES OF CARS, TRUCKS, VANS, AND MINIVANS TO CHOOSE FROM! MIKE: Ow, my ears! CROW: Well, we've got move these cars out, Mike, because SELECTION IS LIMITED! FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY! TOM: CHOOSE FROM HUNDREDS OF NEW AND USED MOTOR VEHICLES! MIKE: What are you two doing? You don't even have a car, let alone lots of cars for a carlot. All you have are those car air fresheners. TOM: These are the cars. Basic models, yes, but we're offering lots of options. Like a rearview mirror to hang this part from. CROW: And gearshifts. TOM: And the battery. CROW: Buyer must take delivery of dealer stock, though. And we don't actually have in any models with the extras yet, so.... MIKE: So this is all you've got. How much? TOM: (Offers an air freshener.) Here, test drive this brand-new Honda Civic. Only $16,988. MIKE: What? For an air freshener?! CROW: Well, you can't expect to buy a good car for under $11,000 these days, Mike. MIKE: But these aren't even cars. That's illegal under the lemon laws. CROW: No, it isn't. Lemon laws only require that the car be in good working condition when you buy it. TOM: And ours work fine. They smell just like artificial pine trees. MIKE: But you can't go anywhere in your "cars." TOM: That's one of the add-ons. Wheels and engine extra. It's all up front and legal. CROW: Of course, we're only mentioning that in the ads in a low, superfast voice. TOM: Ready, Crow? CROW: Yup! Here goes! Bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz THAT'S CROW T. ROBOT CHRYSLER DODGE FORD LINCOLN MERCURY NISSAN TOYOTA ISUZU NASH RAMBLER! TOM: RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO TOM SERVO OLDS CHEVROLET PONTIAC CADILLAC GMC TRUCK SUBARU HONDA HYUNDAI YUGO! MIKE: On the Magnificent Mile of Air Fresheners. Pearl's calling. (Onscreen: PEARL FORRESTER, the woman in charge of the experiment, and her minions PROFESSOR BOBO, a talking ape, and the OBSERVER, an omnipotent alien. They are sorting index cards and papers.) PEARL FORRESTER: Oh, hi, Smell-son. We've been organizing my dear, departed son Clayton's notes on his experiments. MIKE: The dear, departed mad scientist son that you strangled, right? PEARL: Yep. "Dear" and "departed" go together for a reason, Mike. I've just been sifting through his notes on you. It's really depressing, Mike. He trapped you up there for all these years, with no hope of escape and no other people to talk to except robots and loonies, constantly torturing you with horrible movies and fan fiction, and you never went insane! Where's your team spirit? Don't you want this experiment to succeed? A feeble intellect like yours should have cracked long ago. All this effort, gone to waste. OBSERVER: Well, not entirely, Pearl. I've noticed a few of these old experiments almost came to fruition. PEARL: This ain't horseshoes, Brain Guy. Close doesn't cut it. OBSERVER: That's true, but we could take the data from these old experiments and use it to find similar works that will carry Mike over the edge. It's funny, their talk of lemon laws reminded me of this particular experiment. (Holds up an index card.) Ten "Digimon" lemons in one setting. If your son had continued to supply this sort of fan fiction, Mike may well have gone do-lally. PEARL: What's "Digimon"? PROFESSOR BOBO: Oh! Digimon! Digital monsters! You know, Digimon are the champions. OBSERVER: Yes, that is the theme song. It's like "Pokemon," but with death. PEARL: And a lemon is...? OBSERVER: I believe the technical term is "wanking material." PEARL: Eeugh. Dead Pokemons doing it. OBSERVER: Live ones, I think. There's a chance they may die after doing it. PEARL: I think we've got a winner. Who wants to find me more of these? OBSERVER: I'm sorry, but I have ceramics class in half an hour. BOBO: Oh! Oh! Pick me! I want to help! OBSERVER: I really can't miss this class. We're painting our greenware today. BOBO: I love "Digimon"! I'm sure I can find horrible stinky pornographic stories about it! PEARL: Hmm, tough call. I choose...Bobo! BOBO: Ooh! Ooh! Thank you, Lawgiver! (Runs to computer and starts typing.) OBSERVER: Oh! Dear me, how unironic. Well, I'm off. (Exit.) PEARL: Mike, it looks like today you'll be getting a whole lot of some kind of Pokeporn or something, I don't know. What have you got, Bobo? BOBO: You're first fanfic is called A Tale of a Sister's Bitterness and it's by Jade Diamond. PEARL: Let me know when you're crazy. Send the fanfic, Bobo. (BOBO turns a key. Back on the Satellite, TOM offers MIKE another air freshener.) TOM: How about a slightly used Beemer for under $30,000? CROW: BMW parts extra. MIKE: Forget it. (Lights flash and sirens blare.) Rats. Back to the Digismut salt mines, guys. We've got FANFIC SIGN! (Doors open into the theater, where the fanfic is already downloading. MIKE, TOM, and CROW enter and sit down.) >A Tale Of A Sister's Bitterness CROW: Hey, sis, got any more quinine? MIKE: I find nothing works wonders on bitterness like a shot of Madeira. >by Jade Diamond TOM: The appraiser said the author's really a paste setting. >aka Luminescent Pearl CROW: Hey, Pearl wrote this herself! Betcha it'll be really twisted. >((Okay, so I'm a sick bitch. MIKE: Missed your parvo shot, huh? >This is Junsuke, MIKE, TOM, and CROW: Oh, God. >with a bit of Daito at the beginning. Yes, Daito. >_< CROW: Who cares? It's the incest that worries me. TOM: Man, even the smiley flinched. >I'm not gonna ramble, but this isn't Yaoi. MIKE: What about the Daito? >It's Hetero. MIKE: WHAT ABOUT THE DAITO? TOM: Whoa! CROW: Easy, it's early yet! >Except the Daito bit. MIKE: Finally. >Anyway. Review, and tell me I'm a sadistic bitch! Go on! Tell me! xD!!)) MIKE: No. If and when I choose to call you that, I will choose the time and place. CROW: "xD"? Is that the "I died with my tongue hanging out" smiley? TOM: I think it's an editor's mark that means, "Erase all of this and never write again." >Jun's eyes scanned the croweded arena. CROW: Boy, this arena is really ME! >It was only the fortieth concert she had been to, MIKE: She's Ticketmaster's competitive shopper. >staring Ishida Yamato. TOM: Jimmy Smits! CROW: Tallulah Bankhead! MIKE: And Jerry Mathers as the Beaver. >And the eyes widened. TOM: About time they added another lane. It's always hard to merge into her eyes at rush hour. >"Daisuke!" she screeched. CROW (Jun): I'm out of brake fluid again! >The brown-haired boy whipped around, his eyes wide. MIKE: It's the 24th Annual Wide Eyes Convention. >Yamato's lips were slightly parted, and his arms around Jun's brother's waist. TOM (Daisuke): Close your mouth, Yamato. You're drooling on me. >Jun's eyes filled with tears. CROW: And they're so wide, they took two gallons. >"Jun!" Daisuke responded, his eyes darting around nervously. MIKE: Was this whole fic written from the point of view of people's eyes? >His arms un-wrapped themselves from Yamato's neck, and the blonde did the same. TOM: Yamato needs to stop trying to strangle himself. >Jun clenched her fist, glaring angrily at the pair. CROW (Jun): Your hour's up, Daisuke, it's my turn now! >"Daisuke. We're going home. Now." MIKE (Daisuke): But they haven't played "Rock and Roll All Night" yet. >Without waiting for her Niichan to respond, Jun's fingers clasped the leader of the Digidestined children's ear roughly. TOM: "Niichan" means "big brother," not "little brother." CROW: I didn't know the Motomiyas are Bajorans. >"Hey! Cut that out! Hands off the merchendice!" Daisuke squealed, being dragged from the arena by his now-pink ear. MIKE (Daisuke): You break it, you buy it! TOM: His ear had been chartreuse. >Several patrons turned to glance at the fuming girl. CROW (Patrons): Wow, she passed on the chance to glomp Yamato. >The crowd parted, letting them pass. MIKE: And closed again when Pharoah tried to follow. >"Get in there!" Jun snarled. TOM: Of all the not-good ways to start a lemon, this is the not-goodest. >She shoved the quivering child into his room, her eyes backlit with an angry light. CROW: Wow, they live in the arena! TOM: Some people can't get enough basketball and craft fairs. MIKE: That's the first time ever a light bulb has gone on inside Jun's head. >"Jun-neesan!! I ca--" he began. MIKE: He's singing scat jazz. >Abruptly, Jun's hand slammed across the side of his face. CROW (Daisuke): Ow! Hey, Moe! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! >"Shut UP! I don't want to hear it! Now be a good boy and get undressed!" she screeched. TOM (Jun): It's time for your rubdown. >Daisuke's lips opened and closed several times, looking upon his angry sister. MIKE: Kid sees with his lips. CROW: Nice fish impression, Daisuke. >"Why?" he muttered. Jun had removed her shirt, and was sliding down the black leather of the miniskirt she had worn to the concert. TOM (Jun): Whee! Come slide down my mini, it's fun! CROW: Not everyone can wear a Slip 'n' Slide and make it work. >"I'm going to show you what it's like to be with a woman. MIKE: Isn't Yamato girly enough to do that himself? >Fucking faggot. TOM: Can we boo now, or should we save it for the end? MIKE: Whatever feels good, Tom. >That's the last kiss you'll ever share with a man, got it?" she hissed. CROW (Jun): No more sharing. From now on, you're giving them away! >Daisuke's eyes widened. MIKE: They open any more, they'll pop out of his head! >"Jun! Stop!" he cried. TOM (Daisuke): You're making a homophobic ass of yourself! >Not listening, Jun's fist once more bashed across the side of his head. CROW (Jun): Oh, a wise guy, eh? Shut up, knucklebrain! TOM (Daisuke): Ow ow ow ow ow OH LOOK! Woo woo woo woo woo woo! >"Shut up. You're gonna enjoy this, Daisuke. You understand me?" the girl remarked. MIKE: He'll be the only one. If that. >Daisuke curled in a corner, trembling from fear. TOM (Daisuke): Damn. The insanity was supposed to skip our generation. >"Jun..." he mumured, his eyes wide and scared. MIKE: Can we concentrate on how wide everyone's eyes are, and maybe skip the "erotic" bit? >As the last of Jun's garments fell, she snatched her brother up by the wrist. TOM: She's taking his pulse. CROW: When Jun plays doctor, she REALLY plays doctor. >She shoved him onto the bed, and ripped his shirt off. MIKE: Stop her, she's got his shirt's wallet! >Using the strips of fabric, she shoved Daisuke's hands above his head, and secured them to the bedposts. TOM: People with pagers and cell phones, please turn them on and crank the volume up to maximum. Thank you. >Her fingers clawed at his jeans, the perfectly manicured nails tearing the fabric. MIKE: What kind of talons does she have that she can rip denim? >Much as she did with the shirt, the strips of denim were used to secure Daisuke's twisting legs. CROW: This reminds me of pinning down an earthworm for bio class, only this time the worm's in charge. >"Fucking bitch! Stay still!" Jun screamed. MIKE: Man, even Daisuke bashers can't be enjoying this. CROW: Jun bashers either. Character assassins, maybe. >Her hand flew down between his legs, clasping the limp cock. TOM: Oh, don't shred THAT! Geez! MIKE: Can we buy her a scratching post and finish here? >Daisuke groaned, and twisted his head to the side. CROW: He has to gnaw his own arms off to escape. It's a small price to pay. >He screamed, feeling a wetness slide over the suddenly-erect organ. MIKE: He's erect? How'd that happen?! That's not even possible! There's no on/off switch! >"Jun! Please, god, NO!" he pleaded. TOM (God): Okay! ZAP! Scratch one lemon writer. >Jun's nails dug into his hips, leaving the cresent-shape in the tanned flesh. CROW (Jun): Wait, why don't you have any tanlines? >Daisuke screamed in agony. MIKE: He's not alone. One - two - three - MIKE, TOM, and CROW: AAAAH! >Jun moved her hips quickly, freverently against her brother's. CROW: Rugburn: The Fanfic. >Daisuke thrashed his head violently, wailing in protest. TOM: I'm not turned on. How about you? CROW: Nope. Quite possibly for the rest of my natural life, and part of my unnatural life besides. MIKE: Well, author, ask and you shall receive. You are a sadistic bitch. >"Shut the fuck up, whore!" Jun cried, her fist against connecting with the boy's jaw. MIKE: If Vlad the Impaler wrote porn. >Daisuke whimpered, and bit his lip. The tangy taste of blood filled his mouth, CROW: Tang tastes like blood? MIKE: It sure doesn't taste like oranges. >and tears fell down his cheeks. TOM: He should get a railing installed. >Suddenly, Jun stiffened. CROW (Jun): What the hell am I doing?! I wanted to sleep with Yamato! >Her lips parted in a full cry of sheer pleasure, and her back arched forward. TOM: And her forward arched back. >The moment she regained her posture, she slid off the form of her brother. MIKE: "Regained her posture"? She did all that, and now she's running around with a book balanced on her head? CROW: Please tell me she's not going to fill out his form in triplicate. >"Jun...how could you?" Daisuke whispered. Blood ran from his mouth, his cheek, and his hips. MIKE: And my brain. Oh, man, guys.... CROW: You'll be okay, Mike. TOM: It's almost over. >Jun's hands quickly untied the chaffed wrists and ankles. TOM: And then Daisuke killed her in self-defense. The end! >Immediatly, Daisuke curled into a small ball. Jun smirked, and pulled on her clothing. MIKE: Hey! He said, "How could you?" Are we getting an answer or not? >"That should teach you," she hissed, and left the room. CROW (Jun): And don't forget to turn in your homework. >Daisuke's shoulder shook as he sobbed, and he pulled the blanket over him. MIKE (Daisuke): Yeah, being brutally raped by my insane sister will turn me on to women. Sure. >~Owari~ TOM: Translated from the Japanese: "Sorry about that, my bad." CROW: Well, all I have to say is "xD." MIKE: If you need me, I'll be on the floor, looking for my stomach. (MIKE, TOM, and CROW exit the theater. Doors slam as we return to the living quarters. MIKE pops aspirin and drops seltzer tablets in water.) MIKE: Work your magic, Speedy Alka-Seltzer. (Drinks seltzer and cradles head in hands. CROW enters.) CROW: Hey, Mike, feeling any better? MIKE: (Without looking up) No. CROW: Aw, cheer up, Mike. Just because some lunatic thought a teenaged girl sexually torturing her little brother was entertaining, it doesn't necessarily mean the world is a dark and heartless abyss hurtling to a gloomy end. MIKE: And if it does? CROW: We don't live on the world, Mike. MIKE: That doesn't help. CROW: I'm sorry. Y'know, Tom and I thought long and hard about this fic, trying to find some good in it. We only came up with one little nugget, but we liked that nugget. Would you like to hear our nugget? MIKE: Mmph. CROW: Jun and Daisuke live in an arena. MIKE: Mmph? CROW: They live in an arena, Mike. MIKE: (Looking up) What's good about that? CROW: It's got to be lucrative. Think of the cash flow, Mike. Tom and I have already taken in, er, will take in- MIKE: You didn't. CROW: Uh, we did. We converted your den into a 30,000 seat stadium. (MIKE cradles his head in his hands again.) Hey, we got a huge tax break in the last election for this, so it's not like it's costing you anything. We've become very popular on the metal circuit, and we've got our own college bowl now, the Planter's Peanuts Space Bowl. We've lined up the University of Utah against Northwestern. Did you know Northwestern University is in Chicago? I always figured it was in Washington or Oregon. MIKE: Crow.... CROW: There's even a chance we may get a pro Canadian-rules football team next year. Minor league, of course, but after that, there's always Major League Soccer. MIKE: Crow.... CROW: Or one of the loser NBA teams might want to relocate. What do you think of the Satellite of Love Clippers? MIKE: CROW! CROW: You're not happy. MIKE: No. Where's Tom? CROW: He's in charge of backstage while AC/DC finishes their set. Hey, Tom! (TOM enters.) He's not happy. TOM: With this kind of cash? Hey, we busted our braincells trying to find good in that fanfic, so happy up! By the way, Angus Young wants Gummi Bears and I can't find any. MIKE: No, I will not happy up...AC/DC's in my den? TOM: Was your den. MIKE: Can I see them? TOM: Got a backstage pass? MIKE: No, but it was my den. Tell you what, if you can get them to play something from the "Back in Black" album, sure, I'll be happy. TOM: Uno momento! (Exit.) AC/DC (Offscreen): YOU! SHOOK ME ALL-LL NI-IGHT LONG! MIKE: Ah, much better. Think I'll tell Pearl. (Onscreen: PEARL FORRESTER, filing her nails. She sits up with a start as AC/DC continues to play in the background.) PEARL: What are you doing out of the theater?! Turn that off and go finish reading that "Bitter Sister" thing. MIKE: It's already over. I'm just calling to say I survived intact. PEARL: It's over already? BOBO! (BOBO enters.) How long was that story you sent Mike? BOBO: Oh, not long. About 3K. I don't know what K stands for, do you, Lawgiver? PEARL: Why, of course I do, Bobo. It stands for KILL, which is what I'm going to do to you for sending a fic too short to have any impact! (PEARL to choke BOBO.) BOBO: No! Please! Mercy! I have the next one ready! It's really long! (PEARL lets go of BOBO.) It's called Anti-Me by Pretty Pretty Princess. In fact, it's so long I'm only sending one chapter of it. PEARL: A chapter. You've brought me A chapter. Just ONE. BOBO: Oh, dear. Did I do something wrong again? PEARL: (Tries to choke BOBO again.) You're SUPPOSED to send whole fanfics, NOT LITTLE BITS, YOU STUPID APE! Mike, you're getting a single chapter out of a longish story. Make do while I barbeque Bobo and see if Brain Guy can do better at picking these things. YOU STUPID BABOON! BOBO: I am not - gasp - a baboon! I am - choke - a gorilla! (Back on the Satellite, MIKE, TOM, and CROW munch Gummi Bears while AC/DC plays.) MIKE: Do you think we can get Journey or Foreigner? (Lights flash and sirens blare.) Hey, I can't hear the band for FANFIC SIGN! (To abort, open Hamdingers.)