MST3K Digimon Lemonade Too! By James Reinbold Chapter 1: A Tale of a Sister's Bitterness by Jade Diamond Chapter 2: Anti-Me: Sound and Sweat by Pretty Pretty Princess Chapter 3: Our Rainfall by DigistarDBZ Chapter 4: It's All My Fault by Goldstar44 Chapter 5: Through Sickness and Health by Angeteen Chapter 6: Terriermon's Unusual Day by Gabumatic Chapter 7: by Chapter 8: by Chapter 9: by Chapter 10: by (Doors open into the theater, where the next fanfic is already downloading. MIKE, TOM, and CROW enter and sit down.) MIKE: (Sings.) Dirty deeds done dirt cheap.... >Anti-Me CROW: Finally, a fanfic we can agree with! >by Pretty Pretty Princess MIKE: New from Hasbro. TOM: She cries, she wets! She comes with dresses, a hairbrush, and her own highchair! Clothes, brush and chair sold separately. >>Okay, all these parts got screwed up and put out of order because the previous part six took a zig-zag path away from where I wanted it to go (dammit!) CROW: Mike, she said "dammit!" >... so here's a lemon. MIKE: Couldn't you say your dog ate the next chapter and stall for a month? >Take it and be happy. Or feel free to skip it. TOM: Across the pond. >Whatever. ^^ CROW: What do the Shift-6's denote? Artificial eyebrows? TOM: The Devil's horns, maybe? >A/N: I wrote a lemon. MIKE: And what's that mean? Any neuroses? CROW: Absolute negative? TOM: Asinine nimrod? >From first person no less. Whaddya know... CROW: I know the entire libretto to "Cosi Fan Tutti." TOM: I can compute pi to the 92nd decimal place. MIKE: I...make a good cup of coffee. >Though it's 1)"somewhat different from the usual lemon" as my beta put it, CROW: That means it has decent spelling. MIKE: Why is she talking to her Siamese fighting fish? >and 2)still with Daisuke's sense of humor. TOM: Three hundred dirty knock-knock jokes. Thanks, Daisuke. >I hope that makes it go down easier. CROW: No chance of that. My gag reflex is already firing, kid. >I even almost laughed at some parts... though that might not be good... MIKE: Since they were supposed to be dramatic.... >I'm not ashamed of liking lemon, nope, but where my skills at writing one are concerned... eh heh... TOM: Well, practice makes perfect, even if it is the perfect crime. >Um, half is in the present and half in the past, and I think when that happens you're supposed to use the pluperfect tense... MIKE: I figured you'd use the present tense half the time and the past tense the other half. >but I mixed the pluperfect with the recent past... so it's kinda weird. CROW: It's weird to even see a lemon writer who knows what "pluperfect" means. >But less awkward than having a billion helping verbs scattered throughout, I hope. TOM: So there's no help for us. CROW: Not in the verbs, at least. Maybe there's a Good Samaritan adjective lurking in this. >Dai waxes poetic in the middle... MIKE (Pat Morita): Wax on, wax off. >I think he's slowly getting more articulate than he was in 'No Regrets'. Oops. CROW: Spilled my milk! >Heh, maturity approaching ^^; MIKE: Again, the carrots. Are they a mountain range? TOM (Tom Smothers): High up in the Swiss Alps there is an Eskimo village.... >... And a few parts (especially the end) were inspired by hilarious first hand testimony of a couple of friends. CROW: Let's hope they washed that hand. >If my sources ever read this, unlikely as that is: Guys, I'm sorry! TOM: I didn't mean to invade your privacy with a few thousand of my closest friends! >I still think this story is alright with an R rating. It ain't pure smut, so it's alright... MIKE: It's 99 and 44/100% smut. >though if you beg to differ, go ahead and differ. TOM: Man, I am just differing all over the place! >*scratches head* MIKE, TOM, and CROW: COOTIES! >The ending humor gets rather raunchy... And mushfluff!! Everywhere! CROW: Mushfluff? Get the wet vac. >Part 6: Sound and Sweat TOM: The Liza Minelli Story. CROW: The Tom Jones Story. MIKE: About time this story started. I'm on my second box of Junior Mints. >I flop down on my back and cover my face with my hands, trying to recover from the absolutely hellish experience of attempting to screw my boyfriend. CROW: If you give up, we'll buy you ice cream. >"Dai..." >"This is not as easy as they made it out to be!" TOM (Daisuke): The brochure didn't cover this. >"You didn't have to stop..." MIKE (Daisuke's lover): The light was yellow. >"I was hurting you!" CROW (Daisuke's lover): Hey, the whips and chains were my idea, alright? >"No you weren't." TOM (Daisuke): Was too! CROW (Daisuke's lover): Was not! TOM (Daisuke): Was too! CROW (Daisuke's lover): Was not! TOM (Daisuke): Was! CROW (Daisuke's lover): Not! >"They why'd you have that look like... like you were being shagged by a cactus??" MIKE: Togemon, no! >He sighs. "Okay, it hurt a little. It's supposed to. CROW (Daisuke): Take two aspirin and screw me in the morning. >I'm a virgin as far as that goes. MIKE: Ah, yes, the stages of virginity. It's kind of like being a little bit pregnant. TOM: Kid, if you have any kind of sex, you automatically lose your amateur standing. CROW: Yeah, the Commissioner of Virginity made that ruling years ago. >But I didn't ask you to stop." TOM (Daisuke's lover): I asked you to drop dead. >"You looked like you were about to, and-" I peep at him leaning over me through my fingers. CROW: Even he's scared of this fanfic. MIKE (Daisuke): Quit leaning through my fingers! >"What did you mean, 'as far as that goes'?" TOM (Daisuke's lover): Well, the bus line doesn't go all the way...and neither do I. >"Do I have to recite Dr. Seuss again? MIKE: Oh, the places you'll go. TOM: I'm looking at Thing 1 and Thing 2 in a whole new way. >I meant just that. I've never been done that way, by a cactus or otherwise." CROW (Daisuke's lover): Though I did once have a long-term relationship with a vinca minor. >I repeat myself. "What did you mean, 'as far as that goes'? MIKE: Wasn't that a Jack Nicholson movie? >So what's everything else you're not a virgin about?" TOM (Daisuke's lover): Well, I'm not virgin wool, virgin forest, or Virgin Atlantic. >I don't see why this never came up before. It's certainly something I'd like to be informed about! CROW: I'd like to be informed about who the hey the other guy is. I don't know whether to riff on evil alter-egos, hats, computers, rock bands, allergies, kendo, or giant hair. TOM: We don't have to read the five chapters before this to find out, do we? MIKE: Hang on, guys, I'm calling Bobo. (Takes out cell phone and dials.) >He shrugs. "Everything you've done to me... and a couple of other things." MIKE: Hello, Bobo! Yes, I know, she's mean to me, too. Just called to ask who Daisuke's boyfriend is in the chapter you sent us. He is? Really? Huh. Okay, thanks. Bye. (Hangs up.) It's Takeru, guys. TOM: Oh, Takeru. I figured Ken. CROW: Thanks. Now I've got something to work with. >"What couple of other things?" CROW (Takeru): MY HATS! HA HA HA HA HA! MIKE: That's all you have to work with? CROW: All right, I tripped on my figurative shoelaces. Sue me. >"Do we have to talk about this now?" TOM: Probably better. Otherwise you have to talk in the pluperfect tense. >"What other couple of things?" MIKE: The fanfic's stuck in the groove. >He rolls his eyes. "A soft, fleshy, b-cup size couple of things." CROW (Takeru): There, I made a clean breast of it! Two, in fact. >Well this is certainly interesting. MIKE, TOM, and CROW: No, it isn't! >I sit up. MIKE: It's good for the abs. >"Whose?" >"Quit asking before you regret it." CROW: Oh, he has to know now. >"Whose?" MIKE, TOM, and CROW (Abbott and Costello): THIRD BASE! >"...Hikari's." TOM (Daisuke): Hey, that was supposed to be my gig! >"Whaaa??" CROW (Daisuke): She's gotta be a double-A cup! >"I told you." MIKE (Takeru): I checked the label. She's a B cup. >"You've done stuff with Hikari?" TOM: Oh, no! Not STUFF! CROW: Next thing you know, they'll be doing THINGS! >"We... kinda... slept together. Once. Once." MIKE: So what your saying is you slept with her twice? >"Jesus fucking Christ almighty! When?" CROW: Oh, that's two years in Purgatory. >He picks at a crease in the sheet, not looking me in the eye. MIKE (Takeru): You should iron these. >"Back when we were fifteen. TOM (Takeru): You know, three years from now? >Just a thing we did. TOM and CROW: Di-id! Doin' that thing we di-i-id! MIKE: That was the most boring movie. >Caused some problems, we regretted it, didn't feel right and was just another hint I was gay... CROW (Takeru): That and my love of gladiator movies. >I want to forget about it." MIKE (Takeru): So don't ask me about her breast size again. >"Why?" >"Didn't you just hear what I said?" CROW (Takeru): I already forgot why! >"Yea, but why?" TOM: He gave four reasons. Be satisfied! >He snorts. "You never listen unless you want to." MIKE (Takeru): Would you quit fiddling with my volume control? >"Dear God, why?" CROW: This is a Mindy and Buttons routine! TOM (Mindy): Okay, Takeru, I love you, buh-bye! >"I was trying to prove to myself I wasn't gay, alright? There you go! Happy?" MIKE (Daisuke): If you wanted to find out if you were gay, you should have slept with ME sooner, not Hikari! >"No." I lay down in a huff, but when his words sink in I reach over and put an arm around him. CROW (Daisuke): Then I got him in a headlock. >"Why didn't you mention it earlier?" TOM: He was afraid you'd "but why" him to death. >"I was waiting for that special right moment," he says sourly. MIKE (Takeru): Like when I break up with you. "Oh, by the way, I did Hikari and she was better than you!" >Hmm. My emotions on this? Ehhh... mixed... Horror. Disgust. Faint amusement. CROW: You're not supposed to read the stage directions out loud! >It's not like I could blame him for this... even if I tried... TOM: Atta-a-ack of the Killer Ellipses! >"I guess... this wasn't the best moment..." MIKE (Daisuke): To finish my sentences.... >"Nope." >Awkward silence. Nothing ruins the mood like a mention of past sexual conquests. CROW: Or in Hikari's case, sexual rejections. >At least when they're not between the two of us. I know this is not what I should do but I can't help it. TOM (Daisuke): Hikari's MY girl, boyfriend, MINE! >"So what was it like?" MIKE (Takeru): It was a lot quieter, that's for damn sure. >He arches an eyebrow CROW (William Shatner): Spo-o-o-o-o-o-ock.... >"Do you honestly want to be talking about it?" TOM (Daisuke): Hey, don't make me say "but why" again! >"Yes." MIKE (Takeru): Well, I don't want to, so too bad. >"Okay... wet. Slimy, almost." CROW (Takeru): Take a hint, Mr. Sandpaper for a Prepuce. >"...Slimy?" TOM: You had sex with Oscar the Grouch's pet worm? >"God, it's like a water pipe..." MIKE: Sex with Hikari is like a hit off a bong, dude! >he rubs his eyes (nervous habit to ease the horror of remembering?). TOM: Nah, just a loose eyelash. >"It just... for lack of a better word, kept coming and coming." CROW: Sounds like he did everything right.... >I can't help stifling giggles. MIKE: It's easy not to laugh at something this unfunny. >Maybe it's just the image of Hikari with waterworks implanted in her vagina. CROW: Buy the electric company in her butt and you'll make double the rent. >I don't know, this is getting to be too much... TOM: So, "The End." Bye! >He sighs with what sounds like relief. MIKE (Takeru): Thanks. I'm glad you find my sexual confusion funny. >"Glad you're taking this revelation so well." CROW (Daisuke): Yeah, but I don't like your Ephesians. >"It tend to do that. Usually 's cause these things don't sink in right away." TOM: Or ever. >"When they do sink in you curl up in a little ball and refuse to talk." MIKE (Takeru): Keep it up and someone's going to use you for stem cell research. >"... Not all the time." CROW (Daisuke): Sometimes I have an episode. >"What are we doing? Weren't we supposed to be shtuppin' each other silly at this point?" MIKE: I think you were both already shtuppid. >"Were..." TOM: Wolf. >"Well," he pushes me over and rests his hands on either side of my head, purring (I swear, really purring), CROW (Daisuke): I just hope Takeru doesn't hoch up a hairball on me. >"it'd be a terrible shame to let this opportunity go to waste." His tongue flicks out to tag my lip. TOM (Takeru): You're it! >"Not to mention that wonderful lubricant I spent twenty minutes in line for." MIKE (Daisuke): I told you to use the express check-out. >Yeesh, he talks about this like he's been doing it for years. CROW: And as long as it's taking you two to finish this conversation, it could be that long. >"Maybe if you sucked on another popsicle... mmf..." TOM: There's a new euphemism. MIKE (Daisuke): I think we should start seeing other frigid treats. >I don't manage anything else before my mouth becomes busy. CROW: Your call is important to us, but due to increased mouth volume.... >But really, that's how all this came about: the popsicle. TOM: Must have been one hell of a riddle on the stick. >Once we knew we wanted have sex, it was just a question of when, and then things got a little difficult. CROW: Neither of them can tell time. >Of course I was just about crawling out of my skin waiting for it but trying my best to seem calm and unhurried. MIKE: You've done a good job not hurrying so far. Now get finished with this fic before my popcorn runs out. >Then today the two of us were at my place, alone as usual TOM (Daisuke): Takeru in the living room, me in my bedroom with the door locked. >(being a Latchkey kid has its advantages). CROW (Daisuke): Like I can give myself a five-fingered allowance raise whenever I want! >I went into my room for... oh, can't remember what, MIKE: Plot convenience. Moving on.... >while he stuck his nose into the freezer. CROW: And it froze and snapped off. >When I came back he was sitting on the couch, contentedly sucking on a popsicle. TOM (Takeru): Helb be! Thith frothe to my toggue! >No, that's not the right way to put it. I mean, technically that was it, but... MIKE: He was kind of contented, but not real contented. Partially contented, I'd say. Maybe only a little partially contented.... >the way he was doing it... CROW: Pigging out like he hadn't eaten in months.... >If his objective had been to make my eyes pop out of my head he had almost accomplished it. MIKE: His eyes fell out and dangled by the optic nerves. >I just leaned back against the wall and watched, feeling my blood get ready for that splitting thing again. TOM: WHAT splitting thing? Does Daisuke have a bifurcated penis? >Half of it had already collected in my face while staring at him lick the stick and then his fingers clean. CROW: Sloppy eating turns him on. Imagine if he went to dinner with Dom DeLuise. TOM: Ewww. >No innocent, my boyfriend, he had known exactly what he was doing. MIKE: He was stuffing his face with MY food! >He shot me a coy smile and walked to the kitchen to rinse off his hands. TOM (Takeru): Hey, you got any towels? >And when he turned around I was there. In a second I tackled him. CROW (Daisuke): Then I got called for unnecessary roughness and coach benched me for the rest of the game. >His hands had still been wet and cold, leaving water on my face and shirt. MIKE (Takeru): My shirttail's tucked in. Mind if I use yours? >Kinda nice, as the room had grown considerably warmer... CROW (Daisuke): Damn, I left the stove on overnight again. >The kitchen, useful as it is as part of the household, was not the place I preferred to lose my virginity. MIKE (Daisuke): I had my eye on the linen closet. >But... as I managed to half carry, half drag Takeru out to the hallways, TOM: That's an improvement? And how many hallways does this tiny apartment have? >I decided against the wall was just fine. MIKE, TOM, and CROW (Pink Floyd): WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION! WE DON'T NEED NO THOUGHT CONTROL! >I think... I think by that point he had lost his shirt. CROW: Takeru invested in Enron. >He'd been pressed between the wall and me as I just about crushed him in my frenzy, sneaking my hands around his thighs to heft him up, spread his legs, MIKE (Daisuke): Wrench my back, collapse under the weight.... >got as close as I could before his pants stopped me. TOM (Daisuke): Oh, yeah, we have to be naked for this! My mistake! >He managed to detach his mouth from mine for a minute. CROW (Takeru): Could we move? The light switch is digging into my shoulder blade. >"Dai-" >"Yes, now, right now, right now..." TOM: Why is he singing a Van Halen song? >He hadn't needed an explanation. Clawed away from me, stumbled to his backpack, pulled something out, ran back. MIKE: The dependent clauses are piling up. >A little plastic bag from the drugstore, I noted. CROW: He should buy some real condoms and stop using Ziploc baggies. >Huh, they should've stuck him with the crest of reliability... MIKE: Yeah, but Gomamon comes with that crest, and he's kind of the Aquaman of the Digital World. TOM: He swims, talks to fish, and that's about it. CROW: Still, that might be an improvement on "Boom bubble, pwah!" >As I grabbed him again my location of choice was shifted to the floor. We toppled over. TOM: Good thing he's not trying to have sex on the ceiling. >"Ow! Get off my leg!" CROW (Daisuke): You're not a Chihuahua! >"Sorry... umf..." MIKE (Takeru): That's my favorite board game! >Attempts at own shirt removal: frustrating. CROW: Attempts at sentence structure: hopeless. >I had gotten one arm stuck pulling it out of the sleeve. TOM: Leave it to Daisuke to forget how to take off a shirt. >With a final yank it had finally come off, possibly with a tearing sound, but I didn't care, didn't care one little bit, oi, oh God, oh dear Lord up in the Heavens! MIKE (Daisuke): I really do care about my poor, poor torn shirt! WAAAAAH! >He balked as I worked away at the closure of his pants. CROW: And the runner on third came home safe. TOM: Just say "unzipped," fanfic. It's easier that way. >"Dai? Da-haiii! Wait, not on the floor!" CROW (Takeru): Or at least not on the weather stripping! >"What? Why not? Not on the floor? What's wrong with the floor? Floor's good!" MIKE: Ooh, a floor show! Do we get dinner, too? >I hurriedly worked the pants down over knees, ankles... CROW (Daisuke): But they get hung up on a toenail. You know how that smarts. >"I'll get rugburn!" TOM (Daisuke): I'm a GUY, moron. >He took advantage of momentarily not being held and scurried up and to my room. MIKE: And slammed the door and bolted it. >"Wait! That depends wholly on how we do it... Aw hell, come back!" CROW (Daisuke): You never listen when I want to discuss minor skin abrasions! >I hurried after him just as quick, already undoing my own pants and shedding them on the run. TOM: Why didn't his pants get in the way earlier, like Takeru's did? >I burst in just in time to see him tear the blanket off my bed, effectively displacing books, colored pencils, a sketchbook, and various other materials on the floor. MIKE (Daisuke): Great, now my room's a mess. I'm not cleaning this up. >Quick thinker, my boyfriend. My sexy, gorgeous, an... Ack! CROW: He turned into Cathy Guisewite! >Unbelievably horny boyfriend. MIKE: Takeru grew antlers! >We fell on the bed in a flurry of limbs. TOM: There'll be a light flurry of limbs for the rest of the fic, followed by a shower of spleen and stomach contents. High in the upper 70s. >He pushed my head up as I kissed his thighs. CROW: You know, fanfic, we could string these loose sentences into a unified paragraph. >"God, hn... forget that, get-" MIKE (Takeru): Off me, you clod! >"Where'd you put it all?" CROW: Dadaist porn. >I knew what he was talking about, just where where so we could do this already... TOM: With a where where here and a where where there, here a where, there a where, everywhere a where where.... >He swung one arm over the bed's edge and groped clumsily. CROW: He's hoping a monster will pull him under the bed and eat him before anything else happens. >"Hey, whoa, wait! I have it!" MIKE (Daisuke): What, chlamydia already? We haven't even started yet! >"Hurry. Up!" I was impatient. Oh yes, I was impatient. TOM (Daisuke): Did I mention I was impatient? >Preparations hastily taken care of, he leaned back against the wall and pulled me to him and... and... CROW (Daisuke): And we failed. Sorry to bore you with all that.... >Things kinda went downhill from there. MIKE: Downhill from this? Not possible! >When I tried to... push in, he got this look on his face with his eyes wide as saucers and gasped, obviously from pain. TOM: That's because you pushed into his urethra. MIKE: OUCH! CROW: Oooh, sympathy pains! >Which freaked me out cause it was my fault, this pain, and then he reached up and leaned forward like he was about to push me away, so... so I jumped away first. CROW (Daisuke): And banged my head on the light fixture. >In all the excitement I'd forgotten how truly scared I was of all this. TOM: Can we put a Post-It Note on Takeru's forehead that says, "You're scared"? MIKE: We might want to put one on the back of Takeru's head, too. I can't tell who's on top of who. >So I ended up flopping down on my back, frustrated and angry at myself for messing up something which by all accounts was supposed to be special and unforgettable and all that. CROW: This does remind me of Nickelodeon's crappier variety shows. >Where the mood was further spoiled by the mention of Hikari's breasts and watery vagina. MIKE: Just pop her vagina under the broiler for five minutes and it'll turn out scrumptious! >But then we circled back to the popsicle... TOM: Man, Daisuke, what wouldn't you do for a Klondike Bar?! >Back to now. It's not so bad. CROW (Daisuke): If I keep saying that, maybe I'll believe it. >In fact, I'm kinda glad the first attempt fizzled. We shouldn't have hurried. MIKE (Daisuke): We should wait until middle age. >This time I'm not telling him to forget it when his mouth travels downward. TOM: Aw, don't pout, Takeru. >I need something to revive me after all that stress... CROW: May I recommend a cold shower? Or two? Or eight? >We take our time before he leans over me and spreads my legs, and by then, the fear... it's melted away. Mostly. MIKE: The fear melts in your mouth, not in your.... TOM: MIKE! Geez! CROW: Leave the smutty riffs for us, Mike! >He indulges me in a deep kiss, then murmurs against my lips. CROW (Daisuke): Yecch! Your breath! Go brush your teeth! >"Alright Petunia, ready to be deflowered?" MIKE: Is he a cartoon pig? >"Har har..." TOM: No, sounds like he's one of the Beagle Boys. >"I'll take it as a yes... CROW (Takeru): That, or you want to rob Uncle Scrooge's Money Bin. >Here, I heard somewhere... this might help a little..." MIKE (Takeru): It's called a direct object. >For a second he fumbles with the little container of lubricant then leans down to suck at the side of my neck. CROW (Takeru): The lid's stuck. I guess I'll give you a hickey instead. >I'm almost to wondering what the hell he's planning when I feel something cold invade me. TOM: Oh, God, this popsicle fixation is getting out of hand! >I have to blink and squash the urge to flinch away from it. MIKE: Isn't flinching a kind of blinking? >"How is it?" he whispers into my throat. CROW (Daisuke): Sorry, can't hear you. My ears are on the side of my head, not the bottom. >"That's... your finger, right?" MIKE (Takeru): Let's just say it's a chocolate-banana bomb. >"What did you think it was?" TOM (Daisuke): Judging by the size, I'd say an orange Push-Up. >"Well, you could just be amazingly poorly endowed..." CROW (Takeru): Hey, the NEA had budget cuts! It's not my fault! >His slight laugh is a vibration on my skin. MIKE: He's pickin' up ex-ci-ta-tions. >So good, so good... CROW: And now James Brown. This is a '60s compilation! >And then another finger. I grimace. TOM: We hamburglar. >"Hurts?" >"A little... feels funny..." MIKE (Takeru): Sentence fragments? TOM (Daisuke): A few. >Jesus, if this is what it feels like, no wonder he had that look on his face when I tried to fuck him. CROW (Daisuke): Wait, I'm supposed to be on top! Get off, Takeru, you tricked me! >Takes getting used to, most definitely. TOM (Daisuke): Like Yoda I am speaking, mmm-hmmm! >But... it's starting to feel... nice. Just having him do this to me. Of which I let him know. CROW (Daisuke): Hey, Takeru! This thing. Not bad. I like. Cookies after? >His eyes aren't clear lagoons anymore. MIKE: An oil tanker capsized in them. >It's like a fog settled over the water, or a haze... TOM: Or cataracts, or built-in stupidity. >"Ready?" >"I guess..." Two fingers aren't exactly the same as a fully erect penis. CROW: For instance, your eyes don't cross when you bump two fingers against the furniture. >But what else can I say? MIKE, TOM, and CROW: BUT WHY! >........... MIKE: The ellipses have TAKEN OVER! CROW: Go, ellipses! >It does hurt. But I wouldn't trade it for anything, not this. TOM (Daisuke): Well, okay, I might trade for a gold foil Pikachu card. >Being so close, having his face pressed alongside mine, breathing in ragged sighs and quiet whimpers... CROW (Daisuke): Sounding like a bagpipe.... >I'd take on a world of pain to have this. MIKE: Does that include proofreading this chapter? >"Dai.." >I don't want him to think I'm hurting. So I find his mouth TOM: Literally right under his nose. >and clasp my arms around his back and that's all the reassurance he needs. MIKE (Takeru): Uh, I was going to ask for my inhaler. I can't seem to breathe right. I keep sighing and whimpering.... >New shoots of pain uncurl every time we move. CROW: The Jobe sticks are really worked. >Short and sharp, all adding to a dull ache I know will feel sore a little down the line. MIKE: "The pain I feel now will feel sore later." Yup, we've reached the pluperfect. >But I don't care. It's diluted, mixing with something else, TOM: With a little paper umbrella in a pineapple wedge for a garnish. >something sparking ecstatically each time he pushes in. CROW: Takeru's sodomizing him with a 9-volt battery! >Without thinking staccato noises jump out of me, noises like... like... barking? I'm barking? MIKE: Barking mad. TOM: Well, he wanted to be Takeru's bitch. CROW: Takeru must have been really confused when Daisuke asked for "ruff" sex. >Almost. TOM (Daisuke): I'm meowing. >Moans are bubbling up from his throat but I can barely hear them. CROW (Daisuke): I'm too busy pretending I'm Rin Tin Tin. >I'm too caught up in the feeling, in tiny fires devouring me from the inside; that's the easiest thing to identify it with, a burning... MIKE: Who wants to stick marshmallows down his throat and roast them? TOM and CROW: I do, I do! >The barking turns into a strangled howling. CROW: I've heard of dogged persistence, but this...! TOM: I guess this is what they mean by "doggie-style." MIKE: He may have had something else in mind when Takeru offered him a bone. >I glimpse fear washing onto his face at the wails I'm emitting, this sound of pain and pleasure and wanting and impatience and desperation, TOM (Daisuke): Where would I be without you, Mr. Roget? >everything rhythmically slicing through me like a blade... MIKE (Takeru): My anal sex shaves as close as a blade or your money back! >"Dai?... Dais-suke?" CROW (Takeru): What's with the submissive urination? >His face is pressed to mine and our sweat mixes crawling from his skin onto me. TOM: Strange. My sweat's perfectly still and it's my skin that's crawling. >The howls are changing without my say into something sounding much like Takeru's name. MIKE (Daisuke): I wanted them to say "OW, THAT HURTS!" >There is no feeling of mounting pressure, or the usual build-up. TOM: In other words, the sex was really bad. >Just a violent jerk CROW: I was afraid this was going to turn into S&M. >and everything in my vision changes to grayscale for a fraction of a second before I shut my eyes. MIKE: He's at the Dark Ocean. This fic really is evil! >Everything dissolves... CROW: In acid. >It's only a moment later that I shiver and realize I just came, that the surface of our stomach s is wet. TOM (Takeru): That's it? That's all?! Man, and I thought Hikari just laid back and ignored me. >All my strength is gone... all I can do is dig my nails into the skin of his back and tighten the hold of my knees on his sides, and hang on while our motions continue. CROW (Takeru): Ow, my back! Quit! >The room is quiet now without my vocalizations, all except the squeaks of the bed frame, rustle of sheets and our labored breathing. MIKE: Quiet? A locomotive could run through here and we'd never hear it. >I can hear again and concentrate on memorizing the way he's gasping into my neck, TOM: Takeru has a fetish for tracheotomy scars. >the smell of us having sex, the... alright, alright, everything. I want to keep it all. MIKE: But the lease runs out in October. >Even the agonizing little fires that have died down to dully smoking embers. CROW: Okay, Daisuke's at the right temperature. Put the burgers on him. >I want to keep his face when he climaxes, all sweat and ragged breath and choked yells and quivering muscles. TOM (Daisuke): But I can get the same effect by thumping his Adam's apple, so I don't bother. >I want to keep his eyes, the lagoons where the haze is slowly clearing out. All of him. CROW (Daisuke): Maybe not the cowlicks.... >And maybe, just maybe, he wants to keep me too, still shaking underneath him. MIKE (Takeru): Hold still! You're giving me motion sickness. >Some of his weight rests on me. TOM: Some of it rests on the pillow. Some of it rests on the mattress. >Now breathing is the only sound left. CROW (Daisuke): That and my endless soliloquy. >All other sources have been exhausted, and I'm sure that if respiration wasn't an involuntary reflex, it would cease too. MIKE: Don't hold your breath. So to speak. >Our pulses finally slow to a normal pace. TOM (Daisuke): Our pulses are made in San Antonio by folks who know what picante sauce is supposed to taste like! >He lifts away and settles into place right beside me. CROW (Takeru): Okay, boy, here's your squeaky toy. We'll go for walkies in a little bit. >Everything's dulled: my senses, the burning, the heat of the room now just a pleasant warmth while we embrace. MIKE: I think my IQ's been dulled, too. >"This..." My voice is barley audible. TOM: If your voice is barley audible, does it sound grainy? Hee hee! >"This is the right time... to say... love and things... right?" CROW (Takeru): Would you clam up? I'm trying to sleep. >"Anytime it feels right." MIKE (Takeru): It would have been nicer before I put out, but still.... >I want to say it. I try. I really do. I mean, my eyes are squinting in frustration here. CROW (Daisuke): Rrrrgh...LO-O-O-O-OVE.... TOM (Daisuke): Agggh...AN-N-N-ND.... MIKE (Daisuke): Unnnh...ohhhh...THI-I-I-I-I-INGS! >Before I give myself an aneurysm he gives me a slow kiss. TOM: And you give me a headache. CROW: Give me a break, fanfic. >"Shh, don't worry about it. You don't have to say anything." MIKE (Takeru): I understand how hard it is for you to put words together into sentences. >"But I don't get it! Why can't I just say it??" CROW: Because you're thick as a brick? >"Sometimes that's just he way things go." TOM (Daisuke): But I want you to respect me for my mind, if I had one! >"But-" MIKE: Wow, Servo, I think he read your mind! CROW: If you had one. TOM: Grrr. >"No! Quit straining before you give yourself a hernia," he smirks. TOM: Wow, Daisuke really does have his brains in his butt! >"Takeru! Okay, now I don't know if I want to say it." I try to pout. CROW: He can't talk, he can't pout. Am I sensing a pattern here? >"No, I do want to say it, argh!" My palms dig into my eyes. MIKE (Daisuke): And my African violets dig into my nose. >"Dai, I love you either way." TOM (Takeru): Dumb or selfish. >"I knooow," I wail. God, I'm so childish and whiny... CROW: And you never put the milk back, don't forget that. >but how else am I supposed to deal with this?? MIKE (Daisuke): I like being childish and whiny. >A peck lands on my nose. TOM (Daisuke): My parakeet's escaped again! Help me catch him! >"Really, it's okay. I'll be right back, I need some cold water." MIKE (Takeru): I want to drown myself. >"Already?" >"To splash my face with, perv." CROW: I'm the SoL's inhouse deve, and even I'm wondering what pervy thing you do with cold water. >"Perv? What were we just doing??" MIKE (Takeru): Talking about how you can't make a commitment. >Takeru, my Takeru, just shakes his head. TOM (Takeru): I dunno. It wasn't that interesting. >Walking out he spontaneously stumbles and almost falls over. He shoots me a sheepish grin. CROW (Takeru): Baa-aa-aa-aa. >"Guess my legs still aren't working..." MIKE (Takeru): Or my brain. >I smile right back before he disappears into the hallway. Then I grin maniacally and toss my head back and forth like a simpleton. TOM: "Like?" CROW (Daisuke): I'm like those dogs you see on the rear decks of Oldsmobiles. >Well, I don't think I could move any other part of my body if I wanted to. MIKE: Would that his mouth wasn't part of his head. >But I don't, so no problem. Yes, just spending eternity here in bed sounds better than living the rest of my life. CROW: Eternity's over, kid. We're on the next universe now. >As long as Takeru stays here with me, and every so often we do this again... TOM: I hurt all over and he doesn't get a simple "I love you," forever and ever and EVER AND EVER! >I got laid by my boyfriend. MIKE: And all I got was this lousy T-shirt. >Huh, I just got laid by my boyfriend, whom I love like stupid! TOM (Tom Hanks): Stupid is as stupid does. CROW: He does everything like stupid. >Okay, it hurt like hell at first and I blanked out or fainted or something during orgasm but... MIKE (Daisuke): And then I wimped out admitting my feelings, and then Takeru got bored and wandered off, and...what was so good about this again? >Jesus fucking Christ this was great! CROW: That makes four years in Purgatory.... >And with a little more practice it'll feel more like sex and less like Satan poking me with his pitchfork. TOM (Daisuke): Yeah, I just have to have lots more unsatisfying, painful sex, over and over, until...I wonder if I've still got Hikari's number. >Dandy! MIKE, TOM, and CROW: Quicker! >I still can't move by the time he stumbles back in, only turn my head. TOM (Daisuke): You klutz! Your lovemaking made me a quadriplegic! >He looks around, seeming somewhat dazed. CROW: I can relate. >"Dai?... Where's the condom?" MIKE: Right in front of the "inium." >"Huh?" What what? MIKE, TOM, and CROW (Abbott and Costello): THIRD BASE! >One of his eyebrows goes up. "You know, that thing we-" MIKE: Again, the Leonard Nimoy impression. I wonder if Takeru can do Walter Koenig. >"I know what you're talking about! But common sense dictates it's right where you left it." CROW: Common sense also dictates that fanfics like this shouldn't be written, BUT.... >"Well obviously common sense is wrong today," he tartly replies and gestures to himself. TOM: Hey, don't fault common sense for your shortcomings! MIKE (Takeru): As you can see, there's nothing in my hands! Nothing up my sleeves! Nothing on my wang! >And just as he said, nothing there... CROW: Takeru is a woman. >"Sure you didn't just take it off and forget..." TOM (Daisuke): Like yesterday, when you took off your pants in the locker room and didn't notice till you got to the cafeteria? >He just rolls his eyes. MIKE (Daisuke): He does that a lot. Like, every couple of minutes. >But how important is this, really? CROW: Let your mom find it in the wash and see what happens. >I shrug. "Ehh, it's probably somewhere around here in my room. I'll find it later." TOM (Daisuke): It's going to rot and start to smell at some point. I can wait. >"Daisuke, that's disgusting!" CROW (Daisuke): You'd prefer I never find it? >"And that's coming from the guy who licked his hand clean after the first time he gave me a handjob..." MIKE: That should tell you how disgusting this is. >"I thought it'd be kinky, not make you want to vomit like half the things in this world." TOM: Wow, all kinds of things must make Daisuke vomit. Like hamsters, maybe, and orange juice, and Tom Petty.... >I snort. "I can't help it if I'm not into swallowing bodily fluids." CROW (Daisuke): I won't even swallow my own spit. >"But you do it now, too." MIKE (Daisuke): I never said I liked doing it. >"Gh..." I hate having the legs of my main argument knocked out from underneath. "I don't do it of my own free will!" TOM (Daisuke): I was predestined to swallow! >"What?" He tries to look intimidating as he walks over and stands above me, but on the way he stumbles again. CROW: What was in that popsicle, tequila? >Intimidation: failed. MIKE: Motor coordination: non-existent. >"When was the last time I forced you to swallow semen?" TOM (Daisuke): There was the suicide punch at the junior prom.... >"...Okay, point for Takeru. Never mind." MIKE (Takeru): Do I get a free throw, too? >Hey, there is no polite or discreet way to turn your head and spit come on the sheets. It's just uncouth. CROW: Miss Manners suggests gentle readers keep tissues by the bed and discreetly spit into one. TOM: Man, Miss Manners knows EVERYTHING. >"Hey Takeru, do you ever think it smells like pancake mix?" MIKE (Takeru): This better not be a subtle way of saying I ate sperm for breakfast. >"What? Semen?" TOM (Takeru): So you're saying that when that guy sang he smelled sex and candy, he was just next door to an IHOP? >"Yea. Like the instant stuff. Like instant pancake mix." CROW: Man, no wonder Aunt Jemima looks so damn happy all the time. >"...Mine or yours?" MIKE (Daisuke): You have your own brand of pancake batter, too? >"I dunno, just in general." TOM (Takeru): It depends on the brand. Take Bisquick, for instance.... >"I... well..." He makes a face. MIKE: He's waffling! TOM and CROW: WE LOVE WAFFLES! MIKE: Huh? >"God, it's not like I think about these things! I'm the wrong person for your little jizz quiz." CROW (Daisuke): Oh, come on! How many calories does the average ejaculate have? >I stick my tongue out at him. "I can't believe I let a dirty monkey like you lay me." MIKE: Please, Takeru, no flinging filth! >"Yea, dirty monkey when I'm the one who cares that there's a condom still lost somewhere in your room." TOM (Daisuke): Like it's my fault the condom fell off of you, Mr. Limpy! >"So? We're the only ones who used it. It's not like Jun dropped hers off here or anything... CROW (Daisuke): And since she's a girl, she doesn't wear condoms anyway.... >Well, not like she ever gets laid or anything... Huh, maybe when I find it I'll drop it off in her room-" MIKE: Musical condoms. >"Stop right there." He sits on the bed next to me, one arm propped on my other side. CROW (Takeru): Okay, go ahead. >"No more talk about leaving condoms in Jun's room." TOM (Takeru): We'll drop it off in your parent's room. >Kisses fall on my face and neck. "Let's talk about how good I was." MIKE (Takeru): I really know how to put away frozen desserts, huh? >"Mm, sorry, nothing to talk about then... Ah! Hey! No fair, no tickli-hi-hing!" CROW: All of us got to laugh at the way he touched you. Might as well take your turn, Daisuke. >He's got such a way with me; I'm finally force to move 'stead of being a lifeless blob. MIKE (Daisuke): Now I'm a REANIMATED BLOB! (TOM and CROW scream like B-movie heroines.) >It's then that I notice... TOM (Daisuke): That we've had sex and the lemon must end. ENNNNND! >"Oh!" >"What?" He blinks at my shocked expression. CROW (Daisuke): Nothing. I only said, "Oh!" >"Uh... eh heh... I think I found it..." MIKE (Daisuke): That, or my cocaine shipment is "arriving" early. >"What?" TOM (Johnny Carson): Swimming. Tomorrow morning at the Y. >I flush and make a face, waving the found condom in front of him. MIKE (Daisuke): Your eyelids are getting heavy.... TOM: SLEEEEP! >"You mean the whole time it?..." CROW (Daisuke): Nah. It got up, did a couple of laps around the room, then crawled up my rear and got stuck. Of course, the whole time! >"Apparently you didn't take all your baggage with you when you left." MIKE (Daisuke): Have you got your claim ticket? >"Don't blame me! If I was in your spot, my arse would have been the first place I would've looked!" CROW: Yeah, well, Daisuke couldn't find his own butt with a flashlight and a pack of scent hounds. >"Then why didn't you?" TOM (Takeru): I wasn't in your spot! >"I wasn't about to roll you over and check your backside, I figured you'd feel it!" MIKE (Takeru): Contrary to what you think, I don't want to have to look at your behind. >"I just had something large and intrusive shoved up there, you think I can feel anything?" CROW: I'd think that would make you more sensitive, not less. >He sighs and shakes his head. The patented Takeru way of ending an argument. MIKE: Go into a blind rage and rant about Devimon? >Now all that's missing is a wide smile. TOM: And the cliche anime sweat drop. >That's how he is: would rather shut up and let me think I'm right than keep arguing. CROW: That, or it's the only way he can get you to shut up. >The condom's still in my hand. Well, held at the edge by two fingers. It's not like I'm gripping it in a fist, yeesh... TOM: He just had somebody wedged in his rear, right after trying to wedge himself in that person's rear, but now he's squeamish. >"You know, though... seems kind of a shame to just throw this away, since it's a memento of this occasion and all..." MIKE (Daisuke): It's icky, but I wanna keep it. >His face twists immediately. CROW: Takeru Spin-Art! >"What the hell, are you going to frame it and put it on your wall?? TOM (Daisuke): Actually I was thinking of a collage of used condoms. >It's a used condom, Dai! It's home is in the trash!" MIKE (Takeru): It sent out change of address cards. >I'm still contemplating it, so he grabs it (and I didn't know anything could be grabbed gingerly up until now) and hurries out of the room. TOM (Daisuke): Come back! I want to see how that's done! Please teach me how to grab stuff gingerly! >The flushing of a toilet is the funeral bell for our lovely latex friend... MIKE: So lyrical, yet so revolting. >*sigh*... you were too good to us... CROW (Daisuke): You fell off and vanished into my butt. I really appreciate that. >He comes back in. "There. Now I know you won't be digging in the trash for it when I leave." TOM (Daisuke) Got a plunger on you, Takeru? >"I don't think I'd go that far..." CROW (Daisuke): I would dumpster-dive for a used tampon, though. >He joins me on the bed again, one arm draping over my stomach. "I don't know, you sounded pretty enthusiastic over the prospect." MIKE (Daisuke): Of course. Do you know another way I can complete my scrapbook of your effluvia? >"I was mostly joking." TOM (Daisuke): But I'm cryin' on the inside, 'cause I'm a sad clown. A sad, sad clown. >"Mostly?" CROW: Yeah, either you joke or you don't. Make a decision. >"I guess... we have different ideas about 'disgusting'." TOM: Like you can eat Velveeta, and that makes me want to throw up like half the things in this world. >I turn my head away to get a good look at the fold in the sheets I'm tugging at. MIKE (Daisuke): You're right, I should iron these. >"Some people think we're disgusting." CROW: But most people think you're boring. >"Stop that. You think about it way too much. Not everybody cares." TOM: Like me. I don't care. >Enough people do. But like I've said, I hate to worry him with anything. CROW (Daisuke): I won't mention the 300 other condoms I've got secreted around the house. >Including with my homophobia-phobia. MIKE: Is the fear of expressing your dislike of gaybashers homophobia-phobia-phobia? >It's just... I started thinking about Jun... TOM: Jun? What for? CROW: Do we know? MIKE: Do we care? MIKE, TOM, and CROW: Nah. >"Daaaai... Having some Deep Thoughts again?" MIKE: By Jack Handey? >"I can't believe... I let a dirty monkey like you lay me." TOM (Daisuke): I had my heart set on Peter Tork. >"Well, now I know I have an excuse." CROW (Takeru): To put on a diaper and roller skates. >I turn to face him. "Excuse for what?" MIKE: Come on, END ALREADY! >"For doing this!" MIKE, TOM, and CROW: ENNNND! ENNNNNND! >He pounces on me and I would fight him off but don't have the energy... and don't really want to. So it's me and him and laughing and tickling and kissing and CROW: A lot of other gerunds.... >finally, when both fully exhausted: sleep. TOM: SLEEEEE- ah, to Hell with it. (MIKE, TOM, and CROW exit the theater. Doors slam as we return to the living quarters. TOM and CROW consider what they want to say.) CROW: So. TOM: Mmm-hmmm. CROW: You think? TOM: I guess. CROW: Me too. TOM: I wonder. CROW: That's right. TOM: Not possible. CROW: Come again? TOM: You heard. CROW: Too bad. TOM: I'll say. (MIKE enters.) MIKE: Okay, have we got everything? TOM and CROW: Recyclables: ready! CROW: I've got the aluminum cans and the glass bottles. TOM: I've got the old newspapers and cardboard boxes. MIKE: And I've got the used condoms. Let's go. TOM and CROW: EWWWW! Mike! MIKE: What's wrong? TOM: Disgusting! CROW: You can't recycle condoms! MIKE: Sure you can recycle rubbers. Rubber is a recyclable. Tires are recycled all the time. Why not rubbers? TOM: But, Mike! USED condoms? Who'd want them? MIKE: You sound like you think there's something wrong with my used condoms. CROW: Well, duh, you used them! MIKE: And now they can be used again. (TOM and CROW retch and gag.) Look, I didn't use them for traditional condom purposes. Look. This one I used for my new slingshot, but it snapped. These I tied together when we ran out of rubber bands. There's a whole bunch here we used in the big water bomb fight. They're perfectly legitimate recyclables. TOM: Oh. Well, okay. CROW: Yeah, we'll let you off this time. MIKE: Thanks. Pearl's calling. (Onscreen: the kitchen of Castle Forrester. PEARL and BOBO are examining the floor.) PEARL: I can't believe I let a dirty monkey like you lay me this linoleum. Just look at this mess! The seams don't match. There are air bubbles everywhere. There's a big tear over by the door. It's awful! BOBO: I'm sorry, Lawgiver, I did the best I could. I think I did pretty well. You can't see the concrete anymore. PEARL: Except under the fridge and the range, where you left the floor bare. (OBSERVER enters.) Hey, Brain Guy. What do you think of the job Bobo did on the floor? OBSERVER: Rubbing his nose in it will do no good. Get an obedience trainer and get him properly housebroken. PEARL: I meant, what do you think of the job he did laying the linoleum? OBSERVER: Oh, terrible. Still, it is fixable. PEARL: Really? OBSERVER: Yes. Take these air bubbles. If you gouge your heel into them, they burst and then the linoleum lays flat, like this. (Gouges floor.) See? PEARL: I see a hole in the floor that wasn't there before you came along. OBSERVER: Um, yes. That's true. Perhaps we should start from scratch.... PEARL: Bobo is going to do it over until he gets it right. You're going to send Mike the next lemon. OBSERVER: Oh, of course, of course! Mike, your next fanfic is Our Rainfall by DigistarDBZ. Here you go! MIKE, TOM, and CROW: But why? (Lights flash and sirens blare.) FANFIC SIGN! (To abort, open Hamdingers.)