MST3K: Kari and T.K. in "Alone For The Night" by James D. Reinbold (don Jaime del Resfriado) (jdreinbold@hotmail.com) Synopsis: "Digimon" porn. For Jah's sake, "Digimon" porn. And all Mike and the 'bots have to protect them is their wits, a "Sesame Street" cartoon, and a sketchy knowledge of George Harrison lyrics. Edited for content. Just before we begin... special thanks to Jaimielée Rocket and ToonZone.net's RockItShipper for their help. (The Satellite of Love. MIKE NELSON, TOM SERVO, CROW T. ROBOT, and GYPSY are having a party.) MIKE: Hi, everyone! Welcome to the Satellite of Love's First Annual Wallis and Futuna Days! It's that time of year to open up and say, "Aren't we all a little Wallisian and Futunian inside?" So pull up a chair, kick back, and join us in the traditions that made Wallis and Futuna great! GYPSY: Too bad we don't know what they are. CROW: Well, yeah, there's not a lot of literature on Wallis and Futuna. We know they're islands, they're in the Pacific, they might be Polynesian, and maybe they belong to France. Other than that, Wallis and Futuna are a blur, but we're not going to let that stop our happy little holiday, huh, gang? TOM: Dang straight. We're just making do with what we have, like a few minutes ago, when we wanted to sing the Wallis and Futuna National Anthem, and we put on Foghat. That seemed to work. Similarly, we put on our aloha shirts and Bermuda shorts for national dress and pledged allegiance to Mike's Earth flag. GYPSY: And we're serving typical Wallis and Futuna foods. We've got lemon curd, Chee-tos, pita bread, fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt, acorn squash, General Tso's chicken, and to drink, Dr. Pepper with peanuts in it. Crow even made a Quiche Wallis and Futuna, with fresh endive, eggplant, and pepperoni. CROW: Stop, Gyps'! You're embarassing me! Next you'll asking me to read selections from Wallis and Futuna's poet laureate, Shel Silverstein. GYPSY: It'd be nice if you could fit it in after Tom and Mike put on the native Wallisian and Futunian dances. TOM: I don't know. I'm not even sure I can tap dance. You may have to go on alone, Mike. MIKE: I think I can manage, so long as we're not- (Onscreen: the Mads, DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER and TV'S FRANK in Deep Thirteen.) FORRESTER: Nelson? Why are you and the toys dressed up as Maldive Islanders? MIKE: -interruped. Hello, sirs. FORRESTER: Sorry to disrupt your ersatz ethnic celebration, Mike, but it's time for today's fanfic. What has the Web belched up for us today, Frank? FRANK: The Digiartist's Domain website, sir, setting new lows in fan fiction since, uh, sometime before this week. MIKE: "Digiartists?" TOM: Sounds like it has something to do with "Digimon," Mike. CROW: You know, that Japanese show that looks like it should be called "The Uncanny X-Pets." MIKE: Oh, that. What could be so terrible about a Digimon fanfic site? FORRESTER: Tell 'em, Frank. FRANK: The Digiartist's Domain is dedicated to smut, and only smut. FORRESTER: I can taste the agony already. The title of today's experiment is.... FRANK: Just a sec, I'm still trying to choose. Hmmm..."Alone For The Night" is a goofy name for a dirty story. Let's try that. FORRESTER: Excellent. Send the fanfic, Frank. (FRANK twists a knob. Lights flash and sirens blare on the Satellite.) TOM: Mike, we can't take anime porn! Do something! Call Wallis and Futuna and see if they'll commit ground troops to save us! CROW: If not troops, maybe a security guard, anything! MIKE: Too late. We've got FANFIC SIGN! (Doors open into the theater, where a web browser is downloading the fanfic. MIKE, TOM, and CROW enter and sit down.) >Alone for the Night CROW: The Mike Nelson Story. MIKE: Hey! >by SonimodB TOM: New Sonimod-B gently relieves insomnia, soothing away your worries. MIKE: Sonimod-B is not for everyone. Studies have shown that the use of Sonimod-B causes certain side effects, such as itching, dry mouth, total hair loss, impotence, birth defects, incontinence, kidney failure, and sudden death. CROW: Try new Sonimod-B for a relaxing night's sleep! Ask your doctor or pharmacist today. >Warning: The following story is rated NC-17. (TOM, MIKE, and CROW groan.) >It contains descriptive sexual content and is not meant for people of 17 >years of age or younger. TOM: Yeah, we know what NC-17 means. >(Frankly it's okay with me if you're under aged, but the government might >not like it.) MIKE: The gummint has something against kids? CROW: Are you now, or have you ever been, under the age of 18? TOM: No, I was 19 from conception on. >If you do not want to read a lemon that contains sex between digimon and >humans, under aged humans, or digimon, now is the time to turn back. CROW: So, little kids wanging their pets. Thank you, fanfic. TOM: Turning back.... MIKE: The Mads won't let us. We're in for quite a ride,guys. >For the rest of you, enjoy! CROW: All five of you. >As a note, this story takes place during "Untrue?" TOM: Huh? Are we denying responsibility already? >What was darkness slowly faded into bright light. The light faded into an >image. MIKE: The image faded into a sound and laser extravaganza! >It looked like a girl of some sorts. TOM: The sort that's made out of plaster and holds up a birdbath. >Soon, it was clear that it was Kari, making a small fire out of some twigs. MIKE (Chairman Kaga): If memory serves me correctly, Yagami Hikari was apprenticed to her brother Taichi as an assistant in the Digital World. There she learned the old Provencal techniques for the braising and grilling of fresh Digimon. Recently, she opened her own restaurant in the Digital World and has earned accolades for her Kabuterimon Nicoise. >T.K. sat up and looked around. He saw his and Kari's shoes by the entrance >to the cave where a strong wind was blowing. TOM (T.K.): Thanks, Kari, now I have a cold from going barefoot in a damp cave. CROW (Han Solo): This is no cave! >Kari walked over to him. >"Are you okay, T.K.?" she asked, worried. MIKE: Are you teekay, O.K.? >"Uhhh.... What happened?" he groaned. >"You fell off of a cliff and landed on me," said Kari, "I'm surprised >you're awake already." CROW (Kari): I'm surprised I'm still alive. Watch where you're going next time. >"How long was I out?" he asked, rubbing his head. MIKE: Not long, you just went for the mail. >"About forty minutes," said Kari. >"Hey! Where's Patamon?" asked T.K., worried. TOM (Kari): Don't ask me, I'm still looking for Waldo. >"I don't know. Gatomon's missing too," said Kari, "She went off looking for >Yolei and Hawkmon over an hour ago." MIKE (T.K.): Yeah, I remember that. It was about twenty minutes before I took up basejumping. >"So, what should we do until they get back?" asked T.K. CROW: You could learn needlepoint. >"I don't know. ... Wanna play a game?" asked Kari. TOM: G-L-O-B-A-L T-H-E-R-M-O-N-U-C-L-E-A-R W-A-R? MIKE: Nah, I want to play Tic-Tac-Toe. >"Well, okay," said T.K., "How about truth or dare?" >"Nah, that's no fun with only two people," said Kari, TOM: Should we even ASK how she knows this? >"How about we play the alphabet game?" CROW (T.K.): You brought a Scrabble board with you? >"How do you play that?" asked T.K. MIKE: Well, you can't play. You see, you have to know the alphabet first. TOM (The Hollies): Hey, Kari-Anne, what's your game now, can anybody play? >"It's easy," said Kari, "We come up with a scene and talk to each other. >The only thing, is that each sentence we speak has to begin with the letter >of the alphabet that comes after the first letter of the sentence spoken by >the other person." CROW (T.K.): What if you start with Z? Do I automatically lose? >"Uh, okay. Go ahead," said T.K. >"Alright first we need a scene," said Kari. MIKE (Beatnik): We gotta make the scene, daddy-o! >"How about two people stuck in a cave?" suggested T.K., sarcastically. TOM: Oh-oh! Somebody woke up cranky.... >"Okay, that's fine," said Kari, "Ahem... I CROW: Idiot. >sure wish the others would find us." TOM: Jerk. >"Just as long as they don't disturb us," said T.K. CROW: Uh.... >"Killer of friends!" said Kari. CROW: What she said. TOM: Loser. >"Low blow, there," retorted T.K. CROW: Moron. >"May I suggest we look for THEM?" asked Kari. TOM: Numbskull. >"No," replied T.K. CROW: Oh, Be A Fine Girl, Kiss Me! MIKE: Crow.... TOM: That's the absolute magnitude mnemonic, Mike. How do you live in space and not know this stuff? MIKE: Well, I...aren't you supposed to be insulting each other? CROW: Why, Mike! Do you think Tom and I hate each other's guts? TOM: Geez! You think you know some people. >"Oh, but why not?" asked Kari. >"Paleez, like you don't know!" said T.K. CROW (Valley Girl): Like, gag me with a spoon! >"Quick, hide!" yelled Kari. TOM: From what?! >"Rest assured, we won't be spotted," said T.K. MIKE: We'll be striped. >"Stop kidding around," said Kari. >"Too late!" said T.K. TOM (T.K.): I AM a kid. >"Untrue," said Kari. TOM (T.K.): I'm not a kid? >"Very well, I'll stop," said T.K. MIKE:...look, and listen. >"Well, now what should we play?" asked Kari, bored. CROW: How about "Let's See Who Can Shut Up The Longest?" >"Uhhhhh... Uh. Hmmm... X... X... XXX!" said T.K, jokingly. TOM (Cowboy X): X! X! X! X! Yippee! X! CROW (Little Boy): Cowboy X, would you please stop branding the letter X on everything in town? TOM (Cowboy X): Why sure, son! In fact, from now on, I'll be Cowboy O! O! O! O! O! Yippee! O! CROW: Now I'M Cowboy X! TOM: No, you're NOT! It's not allowed! MIKE: Easy, guys. >"Oh, Very funny," said Kari. >"Hey, you already used 'O'," said T.K. MIKE: And it doesn't come after X, either. >"No, I was serious, I really DO want to play something else," said Kari. CROW: Like Russian Roulette. >"Why?" asked T.K. MIKE (Kari): Zzzzzzz.... >"Because I forgot how dumb this game is," said Kari. TOM: It had to be "spelled" out for you? Hee hee! CROW: Please, Tom, no puns. >"Oh," replied T.K, realizing how right she was, "What do you want to play >then?" >"I don't know... This just isn't helping," said Kari, "I thought this might >take my mind off of our missing friends." MIKE (Kari): Y'know, a little wordplay to distract us from the hideous, unspeakable death that's probably overtaken them. Not that I'm not worried about them.... >"That's it," said T.K. CROW (T.K.): I've had it. I'm leaving this fanfic! >T.K. started to get up to his feet. >"No! Don't stand up!" said Kari. >Too late. T.K. banged his head on the roof of the small cave. "Owwwww...," >he groaned, sitting back down. MIKE: Kid's going to be a walking bruise by the time this story's over. >"I tried to warn you," said Kari, who could just barely stand up all the >way. >"Well, that was a mistake," said T.K., his head spinning. TOM (T.K.): You definitely should not have tried to warn me. MIKE (Kari): Uh, would you mind not doing the Regan MacNeill impression? Thanks. >"Here," offered Kari. >She pushed some soft leaves that were inside the cave into a small pile for >his head. T.K. rested his aching noggin down on them. >"Thanks," he said, meekly. CROW: I really wanted leaf mold in my hair. >"Are you going to be okay?" she asked, concerned. TOM (T.K.): Probably not. I just banged my head on these leaves. >"I think so," said T.K., "Let's go find our digimon." >"Are you kidding? It's pitch black out there and you're hurt," said Kari, MIKE (T.K.): No, I'm not. Oops, I got a splinter. And a charley horse. And a heart murmur. >"We're staying right here and that's all there is to it." >T.K. groaned in reluctance/pain. CROW: I'm groaning in frustration/anxiety. TOM: Trepidation/nausea here. MIKE: Fear/uncertainty/butterflies in stomach checking in.... >"Now, now. Don't be fussy," said Kari, MIKE: And if you're a good boy, you'll get your bottle and a nice new rattle when you wake up. >"We should get some rest. After all, TOM (Scarlett O'Hara): Tomorrow is another day. >it's going to be a long day tomorrow." >T.K. sighed and tried to sleep. Kari laid down next to him. She tossed and >turned, uncomfortably. CROW (Gary "U.S." Bonds): I couldn't sleep at ALL last night! TOM and MIKE: Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo! >The rock on the back of her head wasn't very pleasant. MIKE: That'll teach you to play with Krazy Glue. >T.K. opened his eyes. He felt pretty guilty haven taken all the leaves. He >pulled off his shirt and rolled it into a makeshift pillow. CROW: Then he banged his head on it. >"Here," he said, giving it to Kari. >"Thanks," said Kari, putting it under her head. >Soon, they were both asleep. At least T.K. was. TOM: Well, make up your mind! Are they both asleep or just T.K.? >Kari was thinking back to the game they had played. MIKE: You know, the one that bored her? >"Uhhhhh... Uh. Hmmm... X... X... XXX!" T.K. had said. CROW (Cowboy X): X! X! X! X! Yippee! X! TOM: Stop that RIGHT NOW! I'M COWBOY X! CROW: Nuh-uh! You gave it up to be Cowboy O! TOM: Well, I went back to being Cowboy X again! CROW: Too late, I beat you to it! X! X! Yip- TOM: Why, you-! MIKE: Guys, settle down. >She knew he was only kidding, and yet... TOM: ...she still had an insatiable urge to run away screaming. >"Snap out of it, Kari!" she thought to herself, MIKE (Snaps fingers): Ah! I hypnotized myself again! >"T.K.'s just a friend." >"Besides, he's so cute, and the cute guys never like ME," thought Kari,... >in Yolei's voice! >Her eyes popped open. CROW (Kari): Aaah! The voices have returned! AAAH! >"What was THAT?" she thought, in her regular voice, "I could have sworn >that I just sounded like Yolei to myself... What's going on?" TOM: Who are you now, Sybil? >Kari sighed. >"It was probably nothing," she thought, "I guess I sounded like Yolei to >myself because I was just thinking like her." TOM: The first conclusive proof that Yolei thinks. Or that Kari thinks, for that matter. CROW (Tom Servo): Couldn't agree with you more. You know, when I think like other people, I use their voices too! MIKE: That sounds nothing like me, Crow. >She looked over at T.K. His body was slender, yet he had a small six pack >going MIKE: All right, the BEER is here! TOM: WHOO-HOO! CROW (Drunken Frat Boy): DEBBIEEEEEEEE! >and a nice firm, smooth chest to go with it. TOM: Uh...an ice chest. Always important to bring a cooler for the beer. >"I really have to wonder...," she thought, "Does he REALLY know how much I >like him? I mean, I've dropped him tons of clues, but he just doesn't seem >to respond at all. CROW (T.K.): I keep ignoring all her signals, and STILL she keeps coming on to me! Can't she take a hint? >T.K yawned in his sleep. MIKE: The audience yawned in theirs. >"I wonder what it would be like... making love with T.K.... (TOM, MIKE, and CROW shudder.) >Nah. (TOM, MIKE, and CROW sigh with relief.) >I don't think he'd be into that kind of stuff. CROW (Kari): He was too interested in the eunuch booth at Career Day. >But still... he IS a boy...," she thought, "It probably wouldn't work out >anyway. Besides, I don't know how comfortable we'd be fighting together >after something like that." MIKE: About as comfortable as any typical married couple. >She glanced up and down T.K.'s body. TOM: Pausing to make fun of his little baby sun hat. MIKE (Skipper): GILLIGAN! CROW (Skipper): GILLIGAAAAAAAN! >"But then again, he did say that he cared about me... MIKE (T.K.): Uh, I barked my knee! >Maybe that was his way of saying that he loves me! ... Oh well... CROW (T.K.): Kari, I dislocated my shoulder! >I guess I'll never find out... Oh, that does it! I can't stand this >anymore! TOM (T.K.): My spleen is acting up! >I've got to go find Gatomon and Patamon," thought Kari. MIKE (T.K.): Wait! (Hack, cough!) Don't leave me! (Choke!) I sprained my ankle, and my tonsils are infected, and I've got athlete's foot, and I need my inhaler, and it hurts when I turn my head and cough! Wait! (Cough, splutter!) Come baaack! >Hoping that she would, indeed, find her lost friend, Kari got up slowly and >left the warm cave to run into the cold night. TOM (Bruce Springsteen): Because, baby, she was born to run. >She looked around for an hour, shivering, calling out Gatomon's name. CROW: And every time Gatomon responded, she carefully ignored it. >Finally, she gave up and decided to go back to the cave. TOM: But could never find it again, the end. >When she returned, T.K. was sitting up. MIKE (T.K.): Hi! I broke my clavicle and ruptured my appendix! >"Where'd you go?" he asked. TOM: "To see my friend." Don't you know what that means? >"I-I-I w-went out l-l-looking for G-Gatomon," said Kari, freezing. CROW: She's contracted Max Headroom's Syndrome. >"Oh man, come over here. You're ice cold!" said T.K. MIKE (Kari): Yeah, I noticed when the frostbite set in. >Kari kicked off her shoes, crawled over to T.K., and plopped down next to >him. T.K. turned on his side and wrapped his arms around her. She gasped as >his warm hands grasped her and his hot bare chest rubbed against her ice >cold one. CROW (Kari): You're getting my beer warm! Stop it! >The cold had caused her nipples to harden. TOM: In fact, they had frozen solid. CROW: This isn't a good sign, huh, Mike? MIKE: Nope. >T.K. noticed this but, choosing to be a gentleman, tried to ignore it. His >hands rubbed her back fast, using the friction to warm her up. MIKE (T.K.): Now I've got blisters! >Kari sighed and closed her eyes as he continued to bring her back to the >land of the living. CROW: Wasn't that a Sid and Marty Krofft show? >Her eyes opened in shock to see a blushing T.K. His hand had accidentally >rubbed her ass. (TOM, MIKE, and CROW shudder again.) MIKE: Written and directed by Woody Allen. >He was frozen in place. TOM: She sucked all the heat right out of him, the heat hog! >"....Heh. Sorry," said T.K., embarrassed. >Kari didn't know what to say. Instead of speaking, she slung her leg over >his. >"My leg's cold too," she said after a few seconds. CROW (Kari): Just this one. The other one's fine. >"...Oh! Sure," said T.K., as he began to rub her leg. >His gentle hands moved up and down her thigh and ankle, warming her up. MIKE: Her shin could freeze, for all he cared. >The truth was that Kari was feeling plenty warm a few minutes ago, she just >liked the feel of his touch. T.K. fidgeted a bit. TOM (T.K.): Uh, you seemed plenty warm a few minutes ago.... >The thought of rubbing the thigh of the girl he had had a crush on since he >was a little kid was a real turn on for him. CROW: Then T.K. remembered he still was a little kid, and then it just seemed sick. >Kari reached over and hugged him tighter, pressing her hard nipples through >her shirt and into his hairless chest. MIKE (T.K.): My lung's been punctured! >Her leg also grasped him and pulled his hips closer to her. TOM (T.K.): And I need a hip replacement! >T.K. wasn't complaining but suddenly realized just what she'd find if she >held THAT part of him close. CROW: The piece of bubble gum he had been saving for later. >Before he could stop her, she had pulled him right into her so that the >growing bulge in his pants was pressing against the inside of her hip. She >looked at him with a shocked look on her face. He was bright red. MIKE (T.K.): Okay, I admit it. All the injuries are a cover for the mumps. I'm sorry, innoculations scare me. >"Uh.. Kari. It's not what you think! TOM (T.K.): It's who you know! >Really!" said T.K., trying to cover up the truth. >"Is that right?" asked Kari, not believing him for a second. CROW (Kari): I make a pass at you, and you have the nerve to pick up on it! What's wrong with you? >"Really! I was.. uh.. just thinking about this girl in my class.. yeah. >That's it," said T.K., nervously. >This was the truth. Kari WAS a girl in his class. MIKE: To cover himself, T.K. flunked two grades in five seconds and began attending cram kindergarten. >"WHICH girl?" asked Kari. TOM (T.K.): I don't like witch girls! >"Uh.... Susan?" he said, sheepishly. >"There's no one in our class named Susan," said Kari. >"Did I say Susan? I meant..." said T.K. MIKE (T.K.): Jesus, what the hell made me say "Susan?" >Kari reached down and put her hand on T.K.'s sensitive area MIKE: ...where he had cracked his skull earlier. TOM (T.K.) OW. My head's still sore from that bump! >"C'mon, now. Tell me the truth," said Kari, squeezing a little bit. CROW (T.K.): AHH! Brains...leaking...out...ears! >"Okay, okay! ... I was.. thinking about.. you," said T.K., struggling with >the words. MIKE: Because Kari was pushing on his Broca's Area. CROW: Long as it isn't that other area. >"Really? Do you really like me T.K.?" asked Kari. >"Well, yeah. We've been friends for some time now," said T.K. TOM: Being friends generally involves liking people. >"That's not what I meant and you know it, T.K.," said Kari, starting to >squeeze his balls again. MIKE (Gatomon): Hey, Kari, it's me, Gatomon! I just found Yolei and Patamon and OH MY GAWWWWWWWWWD! >"Alright! The truth is, I've had a crush on you since we first met and I've >always wanted to be more than 'just friends' but I've never had the courage >to talk to you about it because I was afraid of rejection please don't hate >me!!" T.K. blurted out. CROW (T.K.): And I told Toshiro all this and he was going to pass it on Hideo and Hideo was supposed to relay it to his sister Mariko who was to tell you all of this... TOM (T.K.):...but somehow it just didn't get through and Mariko thinks I'm all weird now 'cause Hideo got it wrong and that's because Toshiro told it to him wrong in the first place and said it was really Susan...aw, screw it. MIKE (T.K.): Anyway, I got in trouble for passing notes in class. I hope you're satisfied. >"Really? You really do LIKE like me?" asked Kari. TOM, MIKE, and CROW (Sally Field): You LIKE me! You REALLY like me! >T.K. nodded his head, no longer trying to hide it. CROW: Reluctantly, he handed over the Easter egg. >"T.K.?" she asked. TOM (T.K.): No, Ralph Fiennes. Who else is in this fic?! >"Yes?" he responded. >"I've sorta felt the same way about you," she said. CROW (Kari): I LIKE like you, too. >"Really? You mean it?" said T.K., surprised. MIKE (T.K.): Because threatening to emasculate me is kind of a fooler. >Kari answered him with a kiss on the lips. T.K. was pretty surprised by her >forwardness, but certainly wasn't going to stop her. Holding her closer, he >opened his mouth, letting her tongue in. CROW (Kari): Mmph. Is that spinach? Do you ever brush your teeth? >They wrapped their mouths around each other's, kissing frantically. TOM: They've formed a human Mobius strip. >T.K.'s hands grabbed her butt and pulled her right up against his bulge. MIKE (T.K.): So, what do you think about my spare tire? TOM (Kari): You could stand to lose the weight. >She ran her hands up and down his bare back and shoulders, enjoying the >feel of his soft skin. CROW (T.K.): Don't scratch there, that's where I got poison ivy. >T.K. pulled the back of her shirt out of her pants and slid his hands up >her back. He realized in doing so that she wasn't wearing a bra. Her >breasts weren't really fully developed yet, so she probably felt no need to >wear one. MIKE: Gross! That's not a turn-on, it's a circuit breaker! CROW: Fanfic, digivolve to BITE-ME-MON! >He didn't want to do anything rash, so he just continued to rub her back. >Kari knew that he was trying not to be forceful, but she had a pretty good >idea of what he wanted. TOM: They were two ships passing in the night - the "Stockholm" and the "Andrea Doria." >She took her hands off of him and pulled her shirt right up over her head. >She resumed the kiss with a shocked T.K., pressing her> MIKE: So, who wants to explain that absolute mnemonic, uh, thing...? >T.K.'s bulge grew substantially making it extremely> TOM: Well, you see, Mike, in the early days of astronomy, stars were graded on an alphabetical scale by the amount of light they put out. Thus, the brightest stars were A-magnitude, the next brightest were B-magnitude, and so on to the end of the alphabet, each letter having a type star that represented its order of magnitude. For instance, Sirius, the brightest star in Earth's sky, is the A-magnitude type star. >Kari could feel this sudden growth and> CROW: But this scheme didn't take into account the effect distance has on light. For instance, two stars could produce the same amount of light, but the star closer to Earth would appear brighter to us. Many distant stars are in fact larger and brighter than Sirius. So astronomers started tweaking the magnitude scale to correct for absolute magnitude, shifting and condensing the letters grades as the absolute magnitude of their type stars was determined. >The rubbing had quite the opposite result as T.K. began to moan quietly as> TOM: And after the scale had been adjusted, the letters for the remaining type stars were no longer in alphabetical order. Instead, they went O-B-A-F-G-K-M, and to remember this, somebody thought up the mnemonic, "Oh, Be A Fine Girl, Kiss Me!" >Kari stopped the kiss. MIKE: Cool, thanks. And I think were past the icky part and at the end of the fic, I hope. >"T.K.?" she asked. >"Y-Yes Kari?" asked T.K. nervously. >"Will you be my boyfriend?" she asked, the question catching T.K. off >guard. TOM: You mean, you come on to people who AREN'T your boyfriend?! >"Who, me? What about Davis?" asked T.K. CROW (Kari): It's a town in California, what about it? >"What ABOUT Davis?" she retorted, hugging him tighter. TOM (T.K.): There's a branch of UC there.... >"...You bet!" said T.K., happily. >Satisfied, Kari moved her hands down to his pants and began to unzip them. CROW: And catches him in the zipper! MIKE (T.K.): Aaah! AAAAH! Kari, you know how accident-prone I am! >"Uh... What are you doing, Kari?" asked T.K. TOM (T.K.): I don't want a bris courtesy of YKK. Cut it out! >"Well, now that you're my boyfriend, you have to SHOW me how much you love >me," she said, slightly seductively. MIKE (George Harrison): I really want to show you, lord, but it takes so long, my lord! TOM and CROW: HALLELUJAH! MIKE (George Harrison): My sweet lord! TOM and CROW: HALLELUJAH! MIKE (George Harrison): Maybe we can keep singing this and block out the rest of this stupid fanfic, lord! TOM and CROW: HARE KRISHNA! >"I don't know if this is such a good idea, Kari.. I don't have any.. you >know.. TOM: Brains? MIKE: Morals? CROW: Sense of self-worth? >protection," said T.K., not knowing exactly how to phrase it. TOM: Should you even be worried about birth control before you reach puberty? >"T.K.," said Kari, "I have a confession to make." MIKE: And I'll make it as soon as I'm old enough for Confirmation. >"What?" he asked. >"You see, my mom has these pills that prevent impregnation that she takes >just in case she and Dad get going," said Kari. CROW: She drops one in whatever he's drinking and he's out like a light for a week and a half. >"I probably didn't need to know that," said T.K., not feeling very well at >the thought of Kari's parents having sex. TOM: We certainly didn't. >"Well, I've kinda had a few before last week, and I took the whole bottle >with me here," said Kari. MIKE (Kari): And now I'm growing a beard. Do you think that's a coincidence? >"How?" asked T.K. >"In my digital camera, there's a place to store extra batteries," said >Kari, blushing, "I just filled it up with the pills." TOM: This gives a whole new meaning to "Eveready." >"So THAT's why it makes that noise," said T.K. CROW: And I thought you had brought maracas. >"That's right, so I wouldn't worry too much about anything bad happening," MIKE: Y'know, like trauma, psychosis.... >she said kissing his forehead, TOM (T.K.): OW. Sore spot! >"But thanks for thinking about my health." >T.K., feeling much more relaxed, kissed her again. He began kissing her >chin, then her neck, then finally, he kissed her> MIKE: Harrison time! MY SWEET LORD! TOM and CROW: HARE KRISHNA! >Kari cooed in response while pushing his pants down. T.K. wiggled the rest >of the way out of his garments and kicked them into a pile.> MIKE: Whenever you're ready, guys. TOM and CROW: HARE KRISHNA! >His hands went for Kari's zipper. She laughed out loud. >"Don't! I'm ticklish!" she giggled. TOM and CROW: KRISHNA KRISHNA! >T.K. stopped immediately. >"I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!" he said. TOM: Does this mean that...? MIKE: Nope. Keep goin'. TOM and CROW: HARE, HARE! >"Don't get so freaked out," said Kari, "Relax." CROW: Help! I'm freaking out! And I don't know the rest of this song! TOM: Let me handle it. HARE RAMA! >She took his hands and placed them on the zipper and made them> TOM: GURU DEVA! >on the rim of her pants and slid them down. Kari, sat on top of him,> TOM: HARE SWAMA! >as she bucked slightly. Kari was enjoying riding him like a horse. T.K. was >having fun too, but really wanted more.> TOM: JUKSHTA KRISHNA! CROW: This doesn't sound familiar.... >She laid back down on his chest and began kissing him again. Her hands ran >through his hair and he let his fingers> TOM: Uh, VISHNU SHNISHNU! CROW: That's not in the song. You're making this up! >where the rim of his underwear was. He slid them off, finally letting> TOM: Yes, it is. "Vishnu Shnishnu" is good Hindi. >Kari, unable to wait any longer, lifted her hips up off of T.K.'s stomach.> CROW: It doesn't even sound real. >The feeling was incredible for T.K. as her> TOM: Well, that's what they say. >in warmth. Finally, she had lowered herself> CROW: There is no such phrase as "Vishnu Shnishnu." You just made it up. >T.K. gripped her hips and rolled on top of her.> TOM: It is too a phrase, it's in the song! >her arms around his neck. T.K. began slowly moving his hips, rocking back >and forth.> CROW: Get off it. You don't even know the words to this song. >the motion of his body. Kari moaned quietly in his ear as he began> TOM: Well, I WOULD know the words if SOMEBODY hadn't run off with my copy of "All Things Must Pass." >T.K., not really a moaner, began moaning along with her> CROW: You GAVE me "All Things Must Pass!" Now you're trying to take it back, just like Cowboy X.... >Kari tightened her grip> TOM: You can NEVER be Cowboy X. I thought of it, it's mine, end of story. >They had both waited for this for some time now and> CROW: Face it, Servo, I am the new Cowboy X and I will stay Cowboy X UNTIL THE END OF TIME! >T.K. was now wailing away at her like a jackhammer,> TOM: I will be Cowboy X BEYOND THE END OF TIME! >with his other fingers. T.K.'s rhythm was almost lost as he> MIKE: That's IT. You're both obsessing over Cowboy X. ENOUGH COWBOY X! TOM: But, Mike...! CROW: C'mon, Mike! >Throwing tempo to the wind, T.K. became a wild animal,> MIKE: I don't want to hear it. Forget about Cowboy X. Make up some more George Harrison if you have to. >Kari moaned loudly and> TOM: I am not going to sit back and let him cheat his way to being Cowboy X. >T.K. could barely breath,> CROW: It's not fair, Mike. He resigns as Cowboy X, and then he starts this dog-in-the-manger act when I pick it up. >that would put any squirt gun to shame.> MIKE: If you two keep this up, I will use my position as the leader of this vessel to declare myself Cowboy X. Then neither one of you will be Cowboy X. >like a car's gas tank.> TOM: Mike, you can't be Cowboy X. CROW: Yeah, you're just not the type. >He leaned down over her and kissed her on the lips for what seemed like an >eternity. MIKE: Oh. Anyway, I think we're past it. I know it felt like eternity to me. >Kari kissed him back and held him tightly. CROW: Breaking his spine! >Finally, T.K. got off of her and laid down next to her just as they had >started out. TOM: We could have just run with that, but nooooo! >They both wrapped their arms around each other and began to drift off to >sleep. >"I love you, Kari," said T.K. >"I love you too, Davis," said Kari. MIKE: Wait a minute...did somebody else show up when we weren't paying attention?! >A few seconds passed. >"Davis?! I'm T.K.!" yelled T.K., ..... in Davis's voice. (TOM, MIKE, and CROW guffaw.) CROW: I figured psychological damage was a given, but this...! >"Ahh! Don't DO that!" shouted Kari. >"What just happened there?" asked T.K. back in his original voice. >"I don't know, but..." said Kari, wanting to tell him about how she had >heard herself think in Yolei's voice, "it's probably nothing. CROW: Do we even know who was in this? Was it Kari and T.K., or Davis and Yolei? TOM: I have the horrible feeling there's another story where Davis and Yolei think they're T.K. and Kari. That is, if it wasn't this one. MIKE: I say we just declare whoever this pair is to be consenting adults and move on with our lives. >Can I have a kiss goodnight?" CROW (Kari): I mean, we just humped like camels, but should we really be kissing? >T.K. hugged her and kissed her lips as they both disappeared into their >dreams. TOM: Never to be seen again. >THE END MIKE: Not a moment to soon. Let's scram out of here. (TOM, MIKE, and CROW exit the theater. Doors slam as we return to the living quarters. Close-up shot of MIKE.) MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you peace. TOM and CROW (VO): X! X! X! X! YIPPEE! X! (Slow zoom out to show TOM and CROW in cowboy gear, waving X-shaped branding irons and going bananas. Everything in sight except for the three of them has been branded with the letter X.) MIKE: "And they lived happily ever after, because they weren't very smart." Right, guys? TOM: Sure thing, Mike! I don't know why we didn't figure out we could both be Cowboys X! Er, Cowboy X'es? CROW: But it really makes sense, Mike. There can never be enough of us Cow...whatever the plural is. MIKE: Good! Let's share the wealth. Sirs, how about if the Two Cowboys X'es come down and brand you hinders with the letter X? (Onscreen: the Mads.) FORRESTER: Resentment. Fascinating. Didn't care for today's fic, I take it? MIKE: Absolutely not. I've been to donkey farms that smelled less assy than this fic. CROW: Yeah. Definitely a less than stellar effort, even by the limited standards of Japanese porn cartoons. I mean, "Digimon"? What the hell? TOM: This would have given me nightmares if I hadn't been asleep already. MIKE: Do us a favor. Nothing like this again. The Powerpuff Girls story was hideous, but this.... FORRESTER: Is exactly what we've been looking for. This is the pain I have quested for, zested for, and yes, even...bested? Fested? Jested? Nested? Rested? What else rhymes? I don't know. But this is only the tip of one very big iceberg, right, Frank? FRANK: I'll say. There's about three hundred stories at this website, and they've had recent updates. We're talking Ross Ice Shelf here. TOM: THREE HUNDRED?! CROW: And they're ALL "Digimon"?! MIKE: Oh, man, three hundred more like this...! Why stop there? "Pokemon" fans are pretty competitive, maybe there's a similar site that expands on the whole concept of Pokeballs. CROW: Or maybe there's some "Lassie" stories out there. "What's that, Lassie?" MIKE (Lassie): "Woof, woof!" CROW: "This is sexual harassment and you're not going to take it?" MIKE (Lassie): (Pants with his tongue out.) CROW: "Good girl, Lassie!" TOM: Or maybe you can find SpongeBob Squarepants porn. I'll bet his weiner is one of those pop-up sponges that looks like Melba toast until you get it wet, and then it swells up to the size of a Melville novel. MIKE: TOM! That's a little much. I can imagine that. CROW: I can't. Unless he takes off his square pants, pours water on his crotch, and then dances around his girlfriend yelling, "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" MIKE: Oh, my God. FORRESTER: Quit whining and get used to it. Porn is a very large part of the fan fiction scene. All fan fiction is the product of geeky stay-at-homes like Frank, with nothing to do all day long but stare at TV and noodle on the computer. They're bound to release that repressed sexual frustration into the stories based on their favorite shows. FRANK: Thanks, I think. FORRESTER: Cliff/Norm, Han/Leia, Kirk/Spock, Hawkeye/Trapper, Cagney/Lacey, even Bugs/Daffy, every character that's ever been broadcast has gotten their groovies in some home-bound Clearasil ad candidate's desperate cry for help. And when I find those stories, you will have to read them. MIKE (In close-up): Are you sure EVERYONE who's ever been on TV? We could make sure of that.... (Pan to a barren stage set, with GYPSY standing at a lectern, and to one side, a filing cabinet.) GYPSY: "It was a sultry day in Deep Thirteen, and Dr. Clayton Forrester was finding it hard - to concentrate." (CROW enters, dressed in a green and black suit.) CROW (Dr. Forrester): "Man, this HEAT! I'm on FIRE! I can feel all the blood rushing to my extremities." GYPSY: "Over and over, he tumbled to the idea of a tumble with his gorgeous assistant, TV's Frank." (TOM enters, in a black suit. He crosses to the filing cabinet.) TOM (TV's Frank): "Just a second, sir. I'm getting that horrible fan fic you're sending to Mike from the bottom drawer." CROW (Dr. Forrester): "Oooh, those buns in that tight suit! Bend over some more!" TOM (TV's Frank): "Oh, man, that made me dizzy, like I was going to pass out! Imagine that, me, spread helpless on the floor. Not that I think you would do anything to me I wouldn't like, sir. Gr-r-r-rowl!" (In Deep Thirteen, FORRESTER and FRANK stand transfixed. FORRESTER shakes his head in disgust; FRANK can only twitch a little.) FORRESTER: This is truly siiiiick, Nelson. FRANK: (Whimpers.) (Back on the Satellite, the story has progressed rapidly. CROW now carries a whip and a chair, and TOM has pared down to a black teddy.) GYPSY: "Their hostility behind them, Frank and Dr. F. prepared for a night of passion that neither had experienced before!" TOM (TV's Frank): "I have never shared a moment this intimate with anyone else!" CROW (Dr. Forrester): "Come to me, my mad assistant!" (MIKE enters the shot.) MIKE: Give up? No more smut? (In Deep Thirteen, FRANK sobs uncontrolably. FORRESTER shakes his fist.) FORRESTER: YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, NELSON! I will pay you back for this little stunt if I have to dredge up every slash on the Internet! YOU ARE GOING TO SUFFER LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SUFFERED BEFORE! MIKE: We'll see. Gypsy? GYPSY: "And with those words, Dr. F. licked his lips and put his tongue to Frank's...." FORRESTER: AAAAH! PRESS THE BUTTON, FRANK, PRESS THE BUTTON! (Still sobbing, FRANK presses the button. Credits roll over FRANK sobbing, then:) FORRESTER (VO): Oh, shut up. You got a teddy. Be a man. >Soon, they were both asleep. At least T.K. was. (Edited for content. Thanks to John Smith IV for granting permission to use his work in this project. MST3K property of Best Brains, Inc. and Digimon property of Bandai Toys and Toei Animation, used without permission.)