Understanding the Advantages of Putting Females in Charge By FemDomBook MSTed by the Last Orbot This is my first posted MSTing everyone. I frequently check out several kooks that post on the alt.feminism newsgroup. Personally I think it's scary how some of these females want to castrate and/or kill all males for revenge purposes. The worst of these is a ranter calling herself FemDomBook. FemDumbBlockhead.....what a card. I thought Hitler was screwed up but she's even worse. Well, I guess I'll pass along this posting to my good friends, Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, and Crow T. Robot. Destroy, I mean, enjoy! (Again, Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned by Best Brains and I'm doing this for fun. Kooks like these deserved to be riffed.) Contact me at TheLastOrbot@aol.com with C&C. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (6,5,4,3,2,1) (Mike and the bots enter the theater.) > Understanding the Advantages Of Putting Females in Charge > Servo: People would always have to go to the mall. Crow: People would have to sit and watch romance movies. Mike: Ick..... > March 24, 2000 By Amanda Onion > Mike: No thanks. Hold the onions please. Crow: April 8, 2002 by Joanne Lettuce. Servo: September 13, 2001 by Connie Tomato. Mike: Cute, guys. > If a male lemur approaches a female before she has finished feeding, Crow: He becomes the next meal. >he is swiftly put in his place. Servo: At the taxidermist's. >Female lemurs drive males away from food until they and their young >have eaten "She'll jump at him, bite him or cuff him with her hand," >says biologist Patricia Wright, from the State University of New >York. "Then he'll retreat and give a submissive call like 'I'm sorry, >I'll never do it again.'" > Crow:(male lemur) Screw this, I'm going to the lemur bar for a few drinks. > Likewise, male hyenas know to never interfere while their female > counterparts are feeding. Fully developed adult males will slink >away with their tails between their legs Mike: After watching how badly they were portrayed in "The Lion King". > if even an infant female signals she wants to eat alone. > Servo: Well, if they eat limburger cheese, the male will want to stay away. > In both species, males are often capable of fighting back and >dominating. Crow: Just like the human species!! Mike: Woo-hoo!! > But as one biologist observed, it's as if these species share an > understanding -- girls rule. > Servo: .....The shopping malls. > Female dominance is rare among mammals and exceptionally rare among >mammals that don't mate for life. Among monogamous mammals, female >dominance, or at least co-dominance, Crow: I used to have that until I went to the doctor and she took me off my medicine. > is more common, since males depend completely on their female >partner for reproductive success. > Mike:(singing) Reproduction! RE-PRODUCTION!!! (Crow and Servo look at Mike.) Mike: Sorry, I watched "Grease 2". > Male mammals are generally larger, stronger and more aggressive -- >and they show it. That's why scientists remain fascinated and >perplexed by lemurs and hyenas. Servo: Nope. Can't be both. Must be one or the other. > > "I thought there would be an obvious reason for the female >dominance, but it's taken a lot longer than I expected," said Wright, >who has studied the behavior among lemurs for more than 15 years. > Crow: Wright? Servo: Wrong!! Mike: Wright...sounds like the name of a knight from a Renaissance fair. All: Huzzah! >Currently the most favored explanation for female lemurs' superiority >has to do with the primate's unusual and limited habitat -- the island >of Madagascar. Mike: The tourist season is suffering too. Crow: Been that way since they lost their NFL franchise. > > Female ringtail lemurs don't realize their dominance until adult >males yield to them. Servo: Do lemurs drive? >Madagascar is the fourth-largest island in the world. But because it >lies far from any other land mass, weather systems can build up speed >and then hit the island with unusual force. > Servo:(Yoda) Luke, use the Force. Help you it will. > During four months of the year, the island experiences torrential >downpours that nourish the lemurs' food supplies of leaves and fruits. Crow: You were expecting maybe burgers and fries? Mike: I'd like a pizza with everything on it. >The other eight months of the year tend to be cold and dry. During >these dry spells, the long-tailed, cat-sized primates rely on low >quality foods like bamboo pith. Servo:(lisping) Excuth me a minuth. I gotta go take a pith over by that tree. Mike: Eww, Tom..... > Overall, survival on the lemur's sole habitat is difficult. > Crow: With the robber barons or "Captains of Industry" destroying their natural habitat. > Many biologists believe that's why females have the prerogative. As >Wright points out, being female is always more stressful than being >male. Mike: PMS makes them that way. >Pregnancy and providing milk for infants require energy. Servo: Milk does a body good. Unless you're a female lemur.... >Over the centuries, female lemurs may have selected more submissive >males to ensure that they and their young would have the right of way >to food. Crow:(male lemur) Mine is a noble race! I will prevail!! > >"Female dominance may be one more trick in a bag of tricks that female >lemurs have to deal with the changing environment," Servo: Along with the acts they put on in Vegas. > said Michael Pereria, a biologist at Bucknell University. > Mike: I could go for a nice bottle of refreshing Pereria right about now. >Studies suggest that lemurs aren't necessarily born with an >understanding of their unique social system. Instead, males learn to >submit to females. Crow: They are put in concentration camps where they are systematically exterminated as punishment for being male. > Pereria suggests that females may even take a while to catch on. > Mike: Being female of course. > "When adult males begin issuing submissive signals to adolescent >females, the young females are taken by surprise," he says of his >observations of ringtail lemurs. "After a while they figure out what's >going on and have a ball with it Servo:(Austin Powers) How about two, baby? Mike: Tom.... > -- demanding that the adult males play with them." Crow: If ya know what I mean! >Wright has observed that young females also play more -- a behavior >commonly linked to dominance in young male mammals. > Servo: Like lions. Crow: And tigers. Mike: And bears. All: OH MY!! > Female hyenas are born with genitals that resemble those of males All: YECCH!! > "The females are out there wrestling while the males are real mama's >boys," she says. "They ask to be carried more, play less and remain >close to their mothers." > Crow: Since they're shackled in chains. > Mob Mentality > Mike: Which is likely low due to the intelligence of all these posters here to alt.feminism. Crow: No argument here. > While female lemurs may take a while to establish their dominance, >female hyenas are born aggressive. > Servo: They take part in Dungeons and Dragons games while listening to huge amounts of rap music. > As they develop in their mothers' womb, female (and male) hyenas are >bathed in a constant stream of male hormones. Mike: Yeah, I know what you mean. When I get up, I have a shower in testosterone. > By the time they emerge into the > world 110 days later, Crow: Coming in behind Phineas Fogg by 30 days. Mike: Instant classic, Crow. > the young females are equipped with genitalia that look identical to > male parts. Servo: Females imitating males? Crow:(singing) I met her in a bar down in North SoHo where they drink champagne.... > >Both male and female infants are also born with teeth and quickly >start to attack their siblings, often to the death. > Mike: Like in NOW marches. >This aggressive beginning is symbolic of the hyena's life-long >behavior. Hyenas grow to be fierce animals Servo: They become headhunters for MicroSoft. > -- in a group they can kill and consume a > 500-pound zebra in less than 30 minutes -- bones and all. Crow:(singing) Just get yourself some Alka-Seltzer and you'll feel better fast. > If an alien hyena is detected in a pack, it is brutally attacked by >the group. > Mike: Then it is deported by the INS. > Biologists have found that testosterone levels drop in females as >they develop. Yet females maintain dominance and a slightly larger >size than males throughout adulthood. > Crow: Brought on by steroids of course. >Paul Licht, Servo: Licht. He came from Lichtenstein to do battle with the Amazing Rando!! >a biologist at the University of California at Berkeley, >says the hormone most likely at play in female hyenas is the same one >that baseball slugger Mark McGwire took Servo: Steroids? >-- androstenedione. > Mike: Sounds more like a word from "Star Trek". > Whatever hormone makes female hyenas more aggressive, it's clear >that their masculine traits are vital for maintaining sway. >Experiments have shown that females castrated of their male-like parts >immediately lose their dominance to both males and females. > Crow:(zealot feminist) And that would of course undermine our plans to exterminate all men and punish women who don't support us! BWA HA HA HA HA!!! > Hyena cubs are born fierce and sometimes fight to the death at >birth. Servo: Didn't we just go through this? Mike: This message brought to you by the Department of Redundancy. > But why are females born with these parts in the first place? Crow: Genetic engineering? > Licht suspects Mike: ....The butler. >it may have to do with the aggressive social environment of hyenas. >"[I]t confers obvious advantages on the females and their offspring >in terms of access to food," Licht wrote in an e-mail. "Unlike lions, Servo:(Licht) Hyenas never got their own movie. >there is a relatively lower starvation rate among hyena cubs." > Mike:(Sally Struthers) Please save the children!! > In the vicious world of hyenas, female hyenas may have had to learn >to be mean. Crow: Due to the long lines at the hyena shopping mall. > > But, as with the lemur studies, this explanation remains only a >theory. As Licht writes, "I wish we could offer more concrete >answers." Explanations for female dominance may be incomplete, Servo: More like incompetent. > but biologists point out that the success of female lemurs and hyenas >actually begs another question: > Mike: Why did the chicken cross the road? Servo: What color is an orange? Crow: What color was George Washington's white horse? > If it works for lemurs and hyenas, why aren't there more examples of > dominant females?" > Mike: They all joined professional wrestling. > IN RESPONE TO THE ABOVE ARTICLE: > Mike:(Holding up an OK sign) It stinks! Crow: Respone? > The reason that feme dominance is rare in nature is that feme mate >choice and selection is widespread. Servo: But what's the reason for using this word "feme"? > The general assumption is that if a species is not > feme dominated then it must be male dominated, and this assumption is > completely wrong. > Crow: Wrong!! Mike:(drill sergeant) Drop and give me twenty! > One of the most common examples which people have given of male >dominated species are all of the situations where the male guards a >number of femes and mates with them exclusively. Servo: Those are Mormons. > The studies show that only the best males enjoy > this privilege and only after extensive male-male competition through >combat. Crow: MORTAL KOMBAT!! Mike: Settle down, Crow. >Even then, they seldom, according to the studies which I have read, >are able to maintain that position for longer than two years. Crow: They're voted out of office. > In these cases, the > feme of the species have evolved through selection a process whereby >the males themselves are forced into severe and often life threatening >combat. Servo: Life threatening combat! Crow: Jokes! Mike: Music! All:(singing) In Archie's FunHouse!! > Furthermore, the femes have evolved something else in this >reproductive process, and that is the mechanism of exclusion of >inferior males. The superior males have been bred through selection to >do this for them. Crow: Effectively eliminating any Fat Alberts from the group. Mike: Guys, that's two Filmation references in one day. Servo: It's not our fault the makers of He-Man shut down in 1989. >Selection always entails the exclusion of the inferior. The economics of >reproduction are entirely in favor of the reproductive interests ofthe feme and thus >of the species as a whole. >The system works and works well because no male lasts for more than a couple of years. Mike: Faulty warranties, you know. >The male is dominant in regard to other males, but how can one conceive of him being >dominant over the femes when he provides them with sperm, All: Ewww!! > protects them from predators, >excludes inferior males from the breeding pool, and >cannot remain dominant for more than a couple of years so that inbreeding is not a problem? > Servo: This monologue is brought to you by FemDumbBlockhead and the Hitlerettes. > In these, cases I don't think the concept of one sex as dominant over >the other sex makes any sense. It simply is not applicable. Neither >do I think it makes sense to speak of bees as feme dominant, where the >males are killed or driven off after the queen has been fertilized. > Mike: With good quality fertilizer. > The use of the concept of domination by one sex or the other to >species where full feme mate choice and selection is functioning >muddies the issues rather than clarifies them. Crow:(zealot) Our way of clarifying this is to KILL ALL MEN!! >In the first place it broadens the opportunity for >patriarchal projections. In the second place it obscures the fact of >the biological peripheral nature of the male by placing the male on an >equal plain with the feme. Servo: Let me try...(zealot) In other words, male and female are not equal. Females are always better and always will be. Sieg heil!! > All life is fundamentally feme and starts as feme. Mike: I just love cookies with a great feme filling. > The male is a modified version of the feme and not her dialectical >opposite or equal. Mike: Let me try....(zealot)That is why all men must die! We will punish them for their crimes against women!! BWA HA HA HA!!! > > The concept of a male dominated species makes sense only for those >species where the males have been so highly selected for aggression >that they are able to override feme mate choice and selection. To me, >it only makes sense to conceive of a feme dominated species where the >femes have evolved a form of feme reproductive aggression Crow: Brought on by periods. > which permits them to negate the demonic male > override, and thus return the species to feme mate choice and >selection. > Servo:(Zealot) And will allow the genocide of all men on Earth!! > At present, sentients are a male dominated species because the >demonic aggressive males have been able to co-opt and control femes to >serve the reproductive interests of the male [primarily through linguistics, > Logos, and not physical violence]. Mike: Another message brought to you by the Hitlerettes. > When our species goes through the next > transformation, it will again be feme dominated. Crow: So mankind will be dominated by bones? Mike: Maybe. > The males will be controlled and used to serve feme reproductive >interests, and thus the interests of the gene pool as a whole, Feme >dominance is rare in nature because male dominance is rare. Servo:(zealot feminist) We will kill all males!! > And as far as I know, I have been unable to find a single example > of a species which is monogamous, as distinct from pair-bonded. > Crow:(zealot feminist) Love and marriage are slavery for women!! > I doubt that early sentients were ever pair bonded. I think that your > intuition that early sentients practiced some form of gender >apartheid was probably right. It would be much easier for the young >males to be Othered Servo: Othered? Mike: If these people spell as good as they fight, we don't have anything to worry about. > in a social context where they were subject to being disciplined, >controlled, and trained by many different femes rather than just by >their mothers, and always by their mothers. Crow:(mother) Men are fools, dear. Remember that. > When I wrote that feme dominated species are better > gene vehicles than male dominated species, I should have qualified >that to only those species which have demonic males with the potential >to override feme choice. Servo:(Mojo Jojo) Demonic males will be exterminated since all males are demonic. They are known to be demonic because all males are demonic. That is why demonic equates.. Mike: Settle down, Servo. >Natural selection will maximize feme mate choice and selection >because that is what the economics of reproduction will dictate. Mike: More like FemDumbBlockhead dictating. > In those species where there is the potential of a demonic override, > the feme dominated species will produce better gene vehicles because >sexual selection will be functioning through feme control of the >demonic male. > Servo: Brought to you by the Department of Redundancy. Crow: Brought to you by the Department of Redundancy. > The species which could be said to be male dominated would be the >three species of apes: gorilla, chimpanzee, and orangutan, the >dolphins, some monkeys, and the lion. Mike: What about fruit bats? Crow: And snakes? Servo: And three toed sloths? > The bonobo, the hyena, and the lemur are feme dominated. Servo:(chortling) Bonobo? Crow: Wasn't he one of Fat Albert's friends. Mike: That's it! No more Filmation references. > The bear, tiger, cheetah, and probably several other mammals > would be neither, as a result of the evolution of feme reproductive > aggression. The femes are able to resist male demonism, but at the >same time, by excluding the male, lacks the advantage of the male as a >source for resources and aid in protection of the young. > Crow: And the restless? > You mention that we need to show a species that is becoming extinct >due to infanticide in which the femes are unable to replace their lost >offspring fast enough and are suffering from increasing human >encroachment. Servo:(zealot) But of course we feminazis advocate male infanticide. > That example is the gorilla. It is the most threatened of the ape >species and has the most widespread and universal male reproductive >infanticide. Mike:(making signs with his hands) Pretty, Amy. Good gorilla. > The feme accepts it just as the lion does, but it, being a species >of ape that produces only one offspring per breeding cycle, cannot >increase the birth rate fast enough to replace the lost infants. Yet >none of the people who write about the danger of this species' >extinction ever mentions the standard male practice of reproductive infanticide. > Crow: Infanticide. Life on the Street. Tonight at 9. > Thanks for the reference to Wired. I did find another interesting >piece there at > http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/8.04/joy.html, "Wired 8.04: Why >the future doesn't need us." > Servo: That's where I'm forwarding my spam to from now on. > The most serious problem that threatens the future of our sentient >species is technology in the hands of demonic males. This is the most >serious threat. Crow:(FemDomBook) So are females who think for themselves and do not accept my extremist ways. > The only hope is matriarchy. People have no idea at this point of >the horrors which await us with science, technology, military power, >and commerce in the hands of the demonic male. Mike:(FemDomBook ala Hitler) But vonce ve take control, das demonic females vill punish all males and those females that do not conform to our ways. Today Europe, tommorrow the world!! > An increase of fem in these power structures, and among these >elites, will help a little but cannot and will not turn the tide. Servo: Actually tides are caused by the moon. > Males simply must be put under feme control, Crow: Under the control of bones? > and there is only one way that it can be done. All:(Zealots) Off with the men to the gas chambers!! > Our species will have to be standing at the > edge of the precipice before fem will awaken to the danger. Our task >is to ensure that there will be a revolutionary core to lead the way >when the time comes. Mike: Which will be never. >Notes: MW Journal, May 2000 > > Submissions welcome > Matriarch's Way: Journal of Female Supremacy > Each digest-sized issue 185 pages > Matriarch's Way >Journal > Mike: I'll be forwarding viruses to there from now on. > Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > Before you buy. > Crow: No thanks. I'll send it back. Mike: Probably. Let's get out of here. (Mike and the bots leave the theater.) THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------- MSTed by The Last Orbot Special Thanks to Best Brains Inc. The Authors of the First Amendment Keep circulating the MSTings. > As they develop in their mothers' womb, female (and male) hyenas are >bathed in a constant stream of male hormones.