Subject: [MiSTing - Lemon] Danielle Fishel & Lacey Chabert At Smackdown! Newsgroups: Freezer:rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc {{ And yet another first for me - this is the first time I'll be posting one of my MiSTings featuring the Usual Gang of Suspects outside of my normal wrestling circle. This is going to be high on wrestling in jokes, but not so many that any non-"mark" would only find it confusing. To explain who these guys are would take too long. But the gist of it is that we're a bunch of friends who hang out watching wrestling. If you really wanted to find out more about us, just follow the link at the end of this MiSTing. As for the story itself, it's your standard stereotypically bad WWF lemon, made only unique by the fact that it involves two celebrities: Lacey Chabert of "Party of Five" and Danielle Fischel of "Boy Meets World". Why these two is a question best left unanswered. And on with the disclaimers: Mystery Science Theater 3000 is the property of Best Brains, Inc. Vince McMahon and all WWF characters are copyright WWF Entertainment. "Danielle Fishel & Lacey Chabert At Smackdown!" is copyright Joker - whoever and wherever he may be. And as always C & C, flames, and the like are welcome at freezer88@hotmail.com }} In the not too future Next someday AD There lived this guy named Mickey Not too different from you or me He worked on his own wrestling site He made sure the hacks had their facts just right He did a good job riffing cyberspace But the marks didn't like it, so they shot him into space! (What.the.F*ck!) (Vinniemac)We'll send him rotten postings The worst we can find! (La, la, la!) (Madden)He'll have to sit and read them all All the better to blow his mind! (La, la, la!) Now keep in mind Mickey can't control where the postings begin or end. (La, la, la!) He'll try to keep his sanity With the help of his UGoS friends. UGoS role call: Kenny! (Babe magnet) Freezer! (Disturbing!) Orange Viking (Dark!) Saint JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMES (That's one A!) If you're wondering how they eat or breathe And other science facts (La, la, la!) Just repeat to yourself "It's in the script" I should really just relax. For Mystery UGoS Theater 3000! [6].[5].[4].[3].[2].[1] FREEZER: Hola, people of Earth. Welcome to the Satellite of Pain. I'm Freezer, one of the Usual Gang of Suspects - or UGoS for short - stuck up here on the Satellite, until we pledge allegiance to our evil tormentors, Vince McMahon, Mark Madden, and former UGoS member... [Enter St. James] SJ: And traitorous bastard. FREEZER: Right. And traitorous bastard, Fred. Some of our longtime readers may be wondering why Maple Leaf Mickey isn't doing the intro this week. SJ: It seems that Mick's discovered the wonderful world of MAME, the arcade emulator. Specifically, the old wrestling games like WWF Superstars and Wrestlemania. FREEZER: And he's also disovered that Orange Viking used to terrorize arcades with his Mad Video Mat Skillz. So he's spent the last 5 hours trying to whip OV with every player on Wrestlemania. SJ: Made all the painful by the fact that OV keeps using Doink. MLM: [Offscreen] DAMN YOU, CLOWN! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!! FREEZER: So the rest of us are going to try to surgically separate MLM from the computer while we wait for Vince and the gang to send us our next "Sure-To-Break-Our-Wills" experiment. [Enter Kenny] KENNY: Who are you guys talking to? SJ: Our dozens... FREEZER: AND DOZENS! SJ: Of loyal readers out there in cyberspace. KENNY: [Stares at the other two] WHAT readers? FREEZER: We explained this to you before. Remember that "fourth wall" thing we keep explaining to you? KENNY: You mean the stuff I keep ignoring 'cause you're always drunk when explain it? SJ: DRUNK! WE GOT BEER?!? FREEZER: No I wasn't and no we don't! Anyway, go get Mickey and OV. Satan In A Suit's calling. [Cut down to Deep Whatever] VINCE: Greetings, my little orbital lab rats! Ready to swear total fealty to me yet? [Cut back to the SOP. The entire group has assembled. MLM doesn't appear to have recovered yet.] MLM: [Rocking back and forth] Can't stop! Clown'll beat me! Can't stop! Clown'll beat me! KENNY: [Patting MLM on the back] There, there Mick! We'll get you a nice blanket and a big mug of Guinness later? SJ: BEER!?!? FREEZER: Shut up about the goddamn beer, already! OV: "Fealty?" [Freezer whispers something in OV's ear] OV: Eww.. Does that mean he adopts us? KENNY: Umm... Not quite. And the answer, as always, is "no." SJ: But I've been wondering something, Vince. Why in the blue hell do you keep five schlubs like us captive in something that must cost the GNP of Puerto Rico to run, just to get us to say "uncle?" [D-Whatever] VINCE: Same reason that I spent millions on buying ECW and WCW just to destroy their name value forever - I felt like it. MADDEN: And since we're throwing out questions today, why don't you guys just give up and end this whole thing? [SOP] FREEZER: Good question. You must've been practicing! MLM: [Back to normal] Anyway, there are two reasons. One - we hate you as much as you hate us, and we'd never give you the satisfaction of making us submit. SJ: And two - the more we resist, the more you take it out on Fred. KENNY: Fair trade, as far as we're concerned. [D-Whatever] FRED: HEY!!! VINCE: If you're all through with this little Q&A session, make with the Angle Exchange. NOW!!! [SOP] OV: Touchy! SJ: Probably hasn't had his morning subordinate sodomy yet. MLM: Anyway, our Angle today is a take on that oh-so-useful internet utility, Babelfish. It takes the signature syntax of your favorite wrestler, and transforms it into plain English and vice-versa. KENNY: We call it "Promofish." [D-W] FRED: Oooh! How original! [SOP] KENNY: Shaddap, you! FREEZER: [sitting in front of a computer] For instance, we set Promofish for Ultimate Warrior - to - English conversion. Any suggestions, guys? OV: Try this.. *AHEM* SPEAK TO ME, WARRIORS! RAISE YOUR VOICES AS ONE TO THE ONE WARRIOR NATION AND BRING FORTH THE GLORY THAT IS WARRIOR POWER!!! MLM: That was both dead on and frightening, Charlton. OV: I try. FREEZER: We punch that spiel in and it comes out... "Please cheer for me." KENNY: Oh... Kay... MLM: Well, it's Warrior-speak. Deep it ain't! SJ: And over to you, Vince. [D-W] VINCE: Like I care about anything one of my Superstars says that I didn't tell him to. What I do care about is me. And spreading the word about how great I am. [SOP] MLM: I think the suits at NBC would disagree on that score. FREEZER: XFL, anyone? [D-W] VINCE: They don't count! Anyway, our angle is are these t-shirts... [Fred and Madden are each wearing a t-shirt (one white, one black) bearing Vince's smug face, with the words "Kiss My Ass" on the front] [SOP] KENNY: Gee. T-shirts. How original. [D-W] VINCE: You didn't let me finish. Now take a look at what happens when these shirts come in contact with body heat. [Fred and Madden both lift their shirts up] [SOP] ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! [All cover eyes] FREEZER: I'm sterile now. I just know it. OV: Okay... One of us has to look. Might as well be me... [Uncovers eyes] [Both Fred and Madden have the same image of Vince tattooed on their chest] VINCE: Due to a happy accident in the silk screening process, wearing these shirts for more that a few minutes causes my image to bleed through and adhere to your skin - potentially putting my face on the chest of millions. And the stuff won't wash off for months! FRED and MADDEN: WHAT!?!? VINCE: Oh calm down. It's not like I didn't have you two branded already. FRED: Well, still... A little warning would be nice. [SOP] MLM: What's that, boy? KENNY: WOOF WOOF!! MLM: "Big ass class action suit?" KENNY: WOOF! [D-W] VINCE: Like I care what you think. And as for you five, I've been leaning heavily on wrestling articles to bring you down and as of right now that changes. You're always going on and on about how the fans are a bunch of morons. [SOP] SJ: No we didn't! We complained that a bunch of _your_ fans are morons! [D-W] VINCE: Cut it any way you want it, today you're going to get a dose of fantasy from out target audience. [SOP] MLM: A zit-ridden, hyper-hormonal, mouth-breathing, teenage boy! [D-W] VINCE: The fact that you're right will probably make this hurt even more. Gentlemen, I give you " Danielle Fishel & Lacey Chabert At Smackdown!" Send them the fic, Fred. FRED: One dose of pain, coming up! [SOP] SJ: Danielle who? KENNY: Wrestling fiction? This is gonna hurt! [All trudge off] [1].[2].[3].[4].[5].[6] [All take their seats: SJ, Freezer, MLM, Kenny, OV] VINCE: [Voice only] Did I mention this story is a lemon? Well it is! MLM: Well, of course it is. If it wasn't bad, you wouldn't send it to us! FREEZER: Umm... That's not what lemon means. [Whispers into MLM's ear] MLM: GUH!!! Danielle Fishel & Lacey Chabert At Smackdown! FREEZER: Hey, Lacey! Looks like you're gonna have the "Time of Your Life!" ALL: *GROAN!!!* MLM: Bad Freezer! No biscuit! SJ: Seriously, guys: Danielle who? OV: Three words: Boy Meets World. SJ: OH MY GOD! TOPANGA?!? by Joker KENNY: When does he have time to write this, with terrorizing Gotham and all? FREEZER: He wrote it in Arkham? King: Well fans, this has been an amazing night so far! MLM: [Michael Cole] Absolutely! Triple H has been talking for two solid hours! OV: Vince's dream show. Cole: You got that right King. We have had blood, sweat, and some great matches. SJ: So... Wanna recap for those just tuning in? King: Oh Michael Cole! Speaking of great matches...LOOK OVER THERE! FREEZER: [Lawler] It's the Olsen Twins! WOO-HOO!!! (the camera zooms into the crowd and shows Lacey and Danielle sitting front row, smiling and waving to the camera.) MLM: [Lacey] Hi! We're out of work right now! Please hire us! King: Oh my gosh! OH MY GOSH! Well fans, we are out of television time...but I have a feeling this night is far from over! KENNY: I thought they taped Sunday Night Heat before Smackdown. SJ: I don't think he's talking about wrestling. OV: At least the kind of wrestling that isn't preceded by the words "oil" or "Coleslaw." SJ: Coleslaw? OV: Seriously! (The credits roll and everyone starts to leave the arena) KENNY: [Random fan] Anybody else know what just happened there? FREEZER: [Random fan] Dunno. We showed up, Topanga and the chick from Party of Five showed up and that was it. Weird. King gets up from the broadcast area and walks over to Danielle and Lacey who are getting their coats and preparing to leave. MLM: Yep. He just wanders through the crowd towards two women probably surrounded by bodyguards. SJ: Hope the cameras are still rolling! Excuse me ladies" he says with a perverted grin, "the v.i.p. guests always join me backstage to meet the wrestlers." ALL: Of course they do! FREEZER: Was this written before or after Lawler's divorce? MLM: Freeze, this is Jerry Lawler we're talking about. Would it really matter? FREEZER: It might to Stacy... "Ummmmm. I don't know. I am kinda shy" says Lacey. KENNY: [Lacey] I usually don't gang bang until the fourth date! "Yeah. I really have to get going and I don't feel confident in front of all those beautiful people backstage" Danielle adds. FREEZER: They're going to the women's locker room? ALL: HELL YEAH!!! King retorts, "OH! Trust me. From my view, you two have all the assetts, I mean, all the goods, er... the best sets of ti..., um...." OV: "Assets" even. KENNY: [Lawler] I'm a dirty old man! Did I mention I'm a dirty old man? SJ: Hey, Joker! He's got a first name, you know! MLM: o/~ My announcer has a first name! It's J-E-R-R-Y! o/~ The two girls giggle and King begs them to come backstage. FREEZER: [Lawler] Aw c'mon! Have pity on an old man! They agree and King escorts them to the side entrance. SJ: They had to go outside to get backstage? Backstage, a few wrestlers are carrying on and celebrating a great show. As King and Lacey approach them, they realize that it is none other than Stone Cold, HHH, Rock, Stephanie, and Lita. MLM: AKA: The Gang of Five. OV: Oh yeah! I can see those five just lingering backstage together, chatting up a storm, sharing secrets... KENNY: Sharing "Vince stole my dignity and then rented it back" stories... Danielle and Lacey share an attraction to the 3 men and an appeal to the 2 gorgeous women. SJ: I don't know about "gorgeous" here... "Do-able?" Definitely! "Attractive" Yeah. "Gorgeous?" With work. Lots of work. MLM: And a ball gag for Steph. SJ: Goes without saying! FREEZER: And we have Porn Cliché #3 - All women are bisexual nymphomaniacs. OV: If that's three, what're the other two? FREEZER: "Semen is Mmm, mmm, good!" and "Thongs are sexy on anybody." MLM: They are! FREEZER: Even on Callista Flockheart? MLM: Guh! Good point! They talk for hours until Stephanie comes up with an idea. SJ: [Steph] You know what? We should all get up and go home! ALL: YAY!!! OV: What on God's green earth would *those* people have to talk about "for hours?" KENNY: Listening to Helmsley talk for hours about how great he is? "Hey. Do you all want to play some cards?" MLM: Gee... I wonder which game they'll play? FREEZER: Old Maid? SJ: Please? Lacey feels dumb and shyly says "Well I don't really know how to play that many card games." OV: [Steph] That's OK, we'd make up the rules as we went along anyway. MLM: As they book, so shall they play cards... "Well which games to you know how to play?" "Go fish and war." says Lacey, Danielle says "yeah that's all I know also." SJ: What are you? Twelve? FREEZER: [Lawler] WOO-HOO! Now you're talkin'! Everyone laughs at them mockingly and Danielle and Lacey feel really stupid. OV: As well you should, my dears. SJ: [Danielle] *SNIFFLE!* Ben Savage wouldn't mock me like that! "Hahaha....ohhhh oh gosh. This is too much. I am going to get something to drink. I'll see you gusy later." Lita says walking away. KENNY: Gusy? Who's Gusy? MLM: Gary Gusy? Stephanie suggests that she will teach the 2 girls how to play some card games, while ROck, Austin, and HHH wait patiently until the girls are prepared. KENNY: [Austin] Why *are* we hanging out together, anyway? OV: [Rock] You got me. I got a film shoot in the morning. SJ: [Austin] Me and Debra were supposed to go out. MLM: [HHH] Was supposed to be giving Vince his... Er... I mean... I had stuff to do too! Steph walks the 2 girls into a back room and the 3 guys are sitting talking still as the door closes. HHH whispers "Holy shit Rock, did you see the tits on those 2 broads?!?" FREEZER: [Rock] Yeah! I'd forgotten what natural breasts looked like! "I know Hunter, those chicks have been drinking milk." ALL: KURT?!? MLM: What the hell is Kurt Angle doing possessing The Rock? SJ: It's your Olympic Poltergeist, Kurt Angle! Austin adds "Shit I would like to suck ALL of the milk out of both of those broads. OV: Ah... Could you please leave your fetishes out of this, Mr. Austin? SJ: So this is what a fourteen year old thinks "Guy Talk" sounds like? Isn't that cute? FREEZER: Umm... No? Hell I'd even do Stephanie if Vince didn't protect her so much." MLM: [Austin] And if I found her attractive. And if I wasn't already married. And if she were the last woman on earth. The guys laugh and continue. KENNY: [HHH] Ha ha ha... Dumbass. "How old are those two hotties anyways?" the Rock asks. FREEZER: As if the wrong answer would stop you. OV: Lawler, anyway... HHH leans in close and whispers "they are LEGAL man!" Rock's eyes open wide as Austin leans in and says "18 years old...and ripe! MLM: [Austin] They could really use a shower! WHEW!!! Those 2 little pieces of asses are 100% virgins. Plus their little frames must make them all the more tighter!" MLM: Hey, Joker? Project much? KENNY: And just how the hell would Helmsley know this? SJ: Probably borrowed Lawler's copy of Tiger Beat. FREEZER: I would've guessed E! HHH responds "and you know...I have talked to Stephanie many times...and she says she STILL hasn't found the right man...if you know what I mean." MLM: OV, I know what you're thinking. And for the love of God, man, DO NOT MAKE THAT JOKE! FREEZER: You mean "A man she's not related to?" MLM: GODDAMN YOU, FREEZER!! OV: Nice work, partner! FREEZER: I try! Rock shouts "SHE's A VIRGIN TOO!?!?" KENNY: [HHH] No, she's a lesbian. Okay, that's technically the same thing, but still... "SSHHHHHHHHHHHH!" HHH and Austin say at the same time. All 3 men laugh and think of what it must be like. SJ: To be a 25-year old female virgin? FREEZER: And turning to our right, we see a whole weird area! Austin stands up. "Just how long does it take to teach them to play cards. We have been waiting forever. I am going to see if they are ready yet." He walks over and peaks his head in the door. MLM: And the door being closed, he didn't see much. OV: [Austin] OOH! Nice wood grain! Austin comes sprinting back over to the guys. "GUYS! GUYS! You will NOT believe this. Come with me." SJ: [Austin] They've got pilgrim outfits and Indian ones TOO! They've got singing and dancing and boy you've never SEEN such a show! Why it's a Thanksgiving extravaganza!! KENNY: [Applauding] Nicely done! SJ: Danke! All 3 guys rush over to the room and open the door slowly, peeking in on them. Stephanie is sitting at the table in a black silk bra that looks about 2 sizes too tight. MLM: Looks like Steph dressed herself again... Danielle is sitting with just a Rock shirt on and sporting pink panties. Lacey is standing up with her back to the guys wearing white cotton panties and a bra. The 3 men look on in shock. FREEZER: I've had dreams that started like this. OV: Have you now? FREEZER: Yeah, but they usually end with me driving them to Dairy Queen or something like that. Sad really... Stephanie says "Come on Lacey. This is part of the game. You lost the hand so now you know what to do." KENNY:[Lacey] Are you sure the hold card goes *there?* Lacey sighs and reaches behind her back, unsnapping her bra and holding it over her breasts. Suddenly the 3 guys rush in all at once. Lacey jups in fear for a second, then gets a shy horny smile on her face as the 3 men gawk at her. SJ: "Shy horny?" How does that work? FREEZER: Like "demurely slutty" or "bashfully amorous?" "Ut oh. It looks like we are busted girls." Stephanie says as all 3 girl giggle. KENNY: [Steph, woodenly] Ha ha ha. And now it is time for the sex. Then the girls all stand up and walk over to the guys. "you boys didn't come in here to play cards, did you?" OV: [HHH] Umm... I kinda did. I could use some extra cash. MLM: I guess those "Action Nose" action figures aren't selling so well... Danielle asks as she moves in a sexy way over to the guys. FREEZER: Bear in mind that to the author, a "moves in a sexy way" means "moves in my direction" Stone Cold gets a rugged smile on his face as Danielle walks over right in front of him. Stephanie walks directly over to HHH with a horny grin on her face. Lacey stands back and away still holding the bra over her breasts. SJ: Anybody else wonder where Lawler went? KENNY: Three words - Camcorder, zoom lens. OV: [Lawler, muffled] WOO-HOO! "Get your candy ass over here!" Rock barks at Lacey. She is very nervous and looks at the ground as she tip toes over to the Great One. FREEZER: Guys this is starting to make me feel funny! SJ: Like when you climb the rope in gym class? FREEZER: Like when I ate that half-dozen cupcakes with those three pitchers of Old Milwaukee. KENNY: Damn. That bad, huh? Danielle looks down at Austin, who has a large object sticking out of his trunks. "My my my. What do we have here?" Danielle asks Steve in a sexy voice. MLM: A badly written, clich‚d, fanboy, wrestling lemon. Next. OV: Hey, Hunter? You're supposed to ditch the sock at this point! Stephanie looks down at HHH and sees something similar, SJ: The true effects of years of steroid abuse! MLM: Not that we would EVER say that Helmsley used steroids! FREEZER: Nor would we point out that his quad tear was of a type that is never seen outside of 'roid users. KENNY: Because that would be wrong and possibly libel. along with the Rock. "Girls. I think that we have bonded so far tonight. Let's OFFICIALLY bond and do something that we have never done before." Steph says. OV: So they all got up, left the building and all got jobs in the private sector. There was much rejoicing. ALL: [Flatly] Yay. Danielle licks her lips and smiles. Lacey looks nervous but nods her head also. Just then, in one quick second, Stephanie and Danielle both strip completely down to nothing. HHH focuses on Stephanie, Austin on Danielle, and Rocky on Lacey. FREEZER: And knock on wood. OV: And Hop on Pop. MLM: And somewhere a hidden camera is recording another entry in Vince McMahon's "Keep 'Em In Line" file. HHH's mouth is wide open looking at the big breasts of Stephanie. KENNY: [HHH] Mmm... Silicone! SJ: Big, misshapen, and artificially inflated. Just like him! Her nipples so large, dark, brown, OV: Fully packed? pointed, and hard. A small amount of drool runs down his cheek and he quickly wipes it off. FREEZER: [Homer Simpson] Mmmm... Boobies. Augugugugugugua... His eyes pan down to her pussy patch. A cute triangle of brown hair right above her clit. KENNY: I think that's the first time I've ever seen pubic hair described as "cute." OV: Not even tied in pigtails with bows on the ends? MLM: That's not "cute," that's "nightmare fuel." Pussy lips that are nice and smooth with a touch of wetness already. She straddles him and sits on his lap facing him as Hunter goes face first right into her cleavage and kisses away. FREEZER: [Monty Python] o/~ Sit on my lap, and tell me that you like me! o/~ Austin looks at Danielle's breasts. They are large and plump aereoles, with little eraser-like nipples. SJ: [Austin] Oh, sweet natural breastestees! MLM: [Austin] Hello, boys! I've missed you! He looks at her pussy, a very short trim all around with the lips and clit clean shaved. KENNY: He wrote while typing with one hand. FREEZER: ewww... Austin grabs her roughly by the hips and pulls her forward, kissing her stomach and belly button, with one hand on her ass and one feeling her breasts. OV: [Gesturing] Let's see... Hand on ass, hand on breast, mouth on stomach. That can't be good for his neck! Lacey looks at the Rock who is sitting there waiting. "Well come on Jabroni. I am next, aren't I?" he says. [All chuckle at the *VERY* incorrect use of the word "jabroni"] FREEZER: At least he spelled it right. MLM: Actually, it's just as often spelled "JOBroni." KENNY: Po-TAY-to, Po-TAH-to. Po-TAH-to, Po-TAY-to. Frankly the whole thing sucks. "Well I am shy...kinda nervous." OV: [Lacey] I've never been in a crappy sex story before! "Honey there is nothing to worry about. The Rock is gonna take good care of you. BTW, do you like pie?" SJ: [Lacey] Actually, I prefer cobbler. Or sometimes a light torte. Or sometimes... FREEZER: "BTW," Joker, people wouldn't actually say "BTW." Use your words, man! "Um....yeah I like pie." "What's your favorite kind of pie?" MLM: [Lacey] Umm... Are we, like, gonna have sex or what? OV: [Rock] SHUT UP AND ANSWER THE QUESTION!!! Lacey gets more comfortable and drops her bra. "I like apple pie...why?" she adds. Rock stares at her breasts that seem way too large for her little body. He immediately grabs them and rubs them. SJ: COME IN, TOKYO! AOOOGA!!! KENNY: Then gives her a purple nurple. "Well the Rock likes POON-TANG PIE!" Rock yells as he spins Lacey around, yanks down her panties and whips his tongue all over Lacey's clean shaved virgin pussy. OV: Se¤or Smooth makes his move! MLM: Guess we know why they didn't call him Romeo Miavia. "UHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!" Lacey moans as Rock's tongue has no mercy on her pink 1st time pussy. FREEZER: It was a pussy for the first time? OV: [Lacey] Please don't let him notice the scars! Please don't let him notice the scars! HHH is now holding both of Stephanie's large breasts and caressing her nipples. Stephanie rubs HHH's dick through his trunks, KENNY: Or rather - the pitiful, steroid-ravaged remains of his dick. MLM: [Steph] Are you sure my hand's in the right place? then slowly pulls them down to his ankles. His large cock springs back and stands straight up as Stephanie puts her warm hand around it and slowly licks the head. SJ: WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT?!? ALL: HEAD! SJ: WHAT DOES EVERYBODY NEED?!? ALL: HEAD! SJ: WHAT ARE WE GONNA GET?!? ALL: SICK! HHH reaches down and slides 2 fingers in her tight pussy and rubs his thumb on her clit. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Stephanie moans and squeezes HHH's cock as she is entered for the first time. OV: "Foreplay?" In my country we know not of this "foreplay!" HHH grins and quickly rubs the walls of her pink pussy. "OOOOOOOHHHHHHHooooooooOOOOH!" Stephanie's voice trails off as her eyes roll back in her head and her whacking stops because of the amazing feeling. FREEZER: And we have Porn Clich‚ #23 - First-time sex is mindblowing sex. MLM: Pain? What pain? She keeps her eyes closed and slowly begins whacking and sucking again. ALL: Huh? KENNY: Oh. Wait. They aren't fucking yet. It's just badly described foreplay. FREEZER: This is about as erotic as 1953 Sears Catalog. SJ: At least the catalog would have cool knickknacks. Austin already has his trunks off and Danielle is now laying on another couch with her legs up in the air and spread apart. She is jerking off Austin very quickly as his head is buried in her pussy. OV: How... How does that work? FREEZER: [Whipping out a notepad] Follow diagrams A through C... OV: Ohh! She is moaning the loudest and her feet and toes are curling like she is about to cum. KENNY: [Joker] Not that I know what that sounds like. SJ: I bet if you asked a porn star to describe the sex in "Romeo and Juliet," it'd read a lot like this. "OHHH! OHHH! YES! JUST LIKE THAT!!!! AHHHH! YOUR TONGUE IS ROUGH! OOOOOO! UHHHHHNNN! UUHHHHNNNN! OAAAAAH! UHHH!" MLM: Such descriptive dialog! It's like I was really there. FREEZER: ...In a corner, throwing up. Austin glances up and sees Lacey now bent over a chair with Rock still licking away, now pinching her titties. Rock and Austin make eye contact. OV: Then they toss away their partners, and fall into a passionate embrace. MLM: NYARGH!! Austin stops for a second, then licks Danielle faster. Rock looks pissed, then licks Lacey even faster. They go back and forth, trying to out do each other. Danielle and Lacey SJ: ...Not wanting their first sexual experience to be this clusterfuck, got up and left in disgust. KENNY: Wish we could do the same... scream in unison over and over again, with Stephanie moaning as well in the background as HHH finger fucks her and begins to nibble and suck her swollen clit. "UHHHHHHH! OH YES! AH! OHHH! UHHHNNN! OOOO! OOOOO! AHHHH!" FREEZER: [Steph] OOH, YES VINCE! YES! MLM: Hey, hey, hey! Fifteen for unnecessary grossness! The guys work vigorously as one by one the women give in. Stepanie's face scrunches up and her eyes close tight. She moans in fast high pitch squeeks. "OOOOO! OOOO! AHHHH! UHHHHH! OHHHHH! UHHHH! SJ: [News Announcer] Police and animal control were baffled tonight as every stray dog in the city gathered around the site of the WWF Raw show last night. OV: Some animal experts say the cause might have been high-pitched squeaks generated by badly written sex. UHHHH!" It looks like HHH is punching her pussy as he rams his fingers deep in her. KENNY: What? No nose work? MLM: He's probably saving that for later. Stephanie squirts a stream of pussy juice down her leg and HHH's face and begins to shake and quietly moan. FREEZER: Umm... Joker? That's not an orgasm, that's a seizure! Danielle follows, squeezing her legs around Austin's head as he sucks her juices up and caresses her breasts. Lacey is almost right on cue as MLM: [Hopefully] A portal to hell opens up and sucks them all in, cleansing the earth of the unholy stench of their foul act? she quietly squeeks and lets out a gushing flow of juice. MLM: Damn! The women relax after all having their first orgasms, but these guys aren't done. KENNY: Well of course they aren't! OV: Yep, no badly written "My first time which ideally should be a special moment with someone I love but instead will be with some guy I met an hour ago" if they were done. They quickly grab their women, bend them all over a large couch side by side. SJ: A scene to warm the heart of the coldest porn producer. The girls are heavy breathing and the guys are standing behind the with large aching cocks. MLM: Am I the only one weirded out by the use of present tense here? Like this guy wants us to think we're watching this live? FREEZER: Don't try to delve into the mind of a perv, Mick. Down that path lies madness... HHH behind Stephanie, Austin behind Danielle, and ROck behind Lacey. OV: Just in case you forgot who was being violated by whom. They line up their cocks to the tight wet pussy holes and push forward together with all their might. KENNY: Quick note to you youngsters reading this at home: If you do that to a woman once, you won't get to do it twice. MLM: A public service announcement from Kenny, The Babe Magnet. The 3 women sound off together as their pussies are pounded. SJ: [Drill Sergeant] Sound off! OTHERS: OH, GOD! SJ: [Drill Sergeant] Sound off! OTHERS: THIS SUCKS! SJ: [Drill Sergeant] Sound off! ALL: OH, GOD! THIS SUCKS! OH, GOD THIS SUCKS! HHH looks over at the Rock, then picks up the pace. AUstin does the same. Rock sees that he is getting beat, and goes faster and faster. FREEZER: Last time I checked, sex was not a competitive sport, right? KENNY: At least not with another man. All the guys trying to fuck the hardest and the fastest, all 3 girls getting the fucks of their lives. MLM: Well this being the first time for each, that's technically correct. OV: And given the quality of this de-flowering, they'll probably be lesbians by morning. The sound of moaning and flesh smacking fills the room up. Minutes pass and the guys are still full steam ahead. SJ: Unfortunately, the girls had dozed off hours ago. FREEZER: [HHH] Yeah! You like that, bitch? OV: [Steph] Danielle lets out a scream and more fluid comes out of her. MLM: Strangely enough, it was chicken soup. KENNY: For the soul, I hope. Austin stops and yells "YES! I won!" HHH protests saying that Stephanie came a long time ago, but wasn't as vocal about it, so HE should be the winner. SJ: Meanwhile, the girls decided that if they wanted this done right, they should do it themselves. KENNY: Oh, if only that were the case! The fucking stops as Rock holds up his hand to HHH and Austin's mouth, quieting them instantly. FREEZER: [Rock] Quiet! I'm about to say something stupid! "You jabronis need know your role and SHUT YOUR MOUTHS!" FREEZER:[Rock] Told ya'! The 3 girls stand up and back away shocked at what is going on. "Now the Rock says that he got the short end of the stick in this deal... but obviously HHH you have the shortest stick in this room!" Rock says. OV: And Rocky breaks out his new finisher, the Gratuitous Insult Press. The girls giggle as HHH looks over at them with a mean look and they cover their mouths, still smiling. KENNY: Is this funny? Are we supposed to be laughing? MLM: Eh. Might as well. ALL:[Weakly] Ah ha ha ha. Austin says "What the hell are you talking about Rock?" "The Rock is talking about you 2 roody poos get Stephanie the slut and Danielle the out going one, while the Rock is stuck with a little nervous broad who doesn't know what to do." FREEZER: Yeah! The nerve of that virgin not having any skills! KENNY: Couldn't have anything to do with your loving, gentle technique, could it? HHH yells "That's B.S. and you know it. It's not out fault that you can't get a girl to cum before we can." MLM: Yes it is! It's all your fault. SJ: It's always your fault! OV: Collapse of Enron? Your fault! FREEZER: War in the Middle East? Your fault! KENNY: Eve eating the apple? Your fault! With that the Rock grabs a lamp and smashes it over HHH's head. Austin hits Rock with a chair and the fight is on. The 3 girls grab their clothes and head out the back door. Things are smashing, bodies flying, everything is a mess. MLM: This fic in a nutshell... Suddenly the action stops as Lita enters the room. KENNY: The hell's she been hiding? OV: Probably manning the camera for Vince. She looks at the 3 guys fighting in the buff. They turn their attention towards her as she enters and closes the door. She stares directly at their cocks and licks her lips. SJ: [Lita] Would you look at that... Buffet table over there! Suddenly all 3 start to walk towards her and ther cocks are growing by the second. She backs up slowly and says "Whoa! Whoa guys! Hold on a second.I just AHHHHHHH23343oweoh9vy90 30t3030**@*##& KENNY: Da' hell?!? FREEZER: I think the fic just collapsed under it's own ridiculousness! MLM: Either way, let's get while the gettin's good! [All leave] [6].[5].[4].[3].[2].[1] MLM: Well... That was different. SJ: Yep. Definitely... Interesting... [Pause] FREEZER: But OH that sucked! ALL: DEAR GOD YES!!! KENNY: I mean, the random barely legal actresses, the clich‚d setup, the by-the-numbers porno sex... OV: And that's leaving out the grammar and spelling! KENNY: Really! Did this guy even know Jerry Lawler's real name? MLM: Really, Vince; are you even trying anymore? FREEZER: I guess you can ring this up in the "Failed to Break Their Spirits" column. OV: Or in Warriorspeak - YOU HAVE UTTERLY FAILED TO DESTROY THE SPIRIT OF THE WARRIOR WITHIN THESE FIVE!! MLM: Okay, that's getting scary. OV: I know! [D-W] VINCE: You know? I'm a fair man. I'm a patient man. I'm also a vindictive bastard. So in retaliation for this, I'm replacing all your clothing with item from the same batch as the t-shirts. Including underwear! HAHAHAHAH!!! Fred! Mark! Send them the stuff and push the button! FRED and MARK: YES, MASTER! \ | / \ | / \ | / <> / | \ / | \ / | \ Mystery Science Freezer [http://home.midsouth.rr.com/msfreezer] Ep. 1: WWF Smackdown recap Ep. 2: Scooby Did [Lemon] Ep. 3: Voyager: S-Space, part 1 Ep. 4: Voyager: Stealth Wedgie Ep. 5: Violence Aimed Even At Preschoolers Ep. 6: Brightheart The Cub Sitter [Lemon] Ep. 7: Sweet Beginnings [Lime] Ep. 8: Life's Surprises Ep. 9: School Girls [Lemon] Mystery UGoS Theater (Wrestle-centric with saltier language) [http://dccmm.com/dccmm/wilfmst3k.html] Ep. 1: Judgment Day 2000 Rant by Scott Keith Ep. 3: Chris Hyatte's "And Another Thing" 9.25.2000 (Collaboration with Maple Leaf Mickey and The Big Fred Machine) Ep. 5: Danielle Fishel & Lacey Chabert At Smackdown!" Group MSTing: (Available on WS9 {http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/}) Love Bites - (Edited by Rebo Valence, written with half the free world) <> {{ "I know Hunter, those chicks have been drinking milk." }}