Brain Dead 12 ½ studios presents Theater of Darkness Another sad waste of time for all involved [To make things different we start this one in the theater. Everyone except for Ranma, Ukyo, Nyako, Ifurita and Ratchet are gathered. A couple new things are a stage that's been set up in front of the screen and a gong that's sitting next to Tron.] Tron: Hello folks. Incase your wondering why we're already in here well some wise guy decided to remove the arrival pods we had lodged in the side of the ship. Our hull currently has roughly the same consistency as swiss cheese, only not as sturdy. The theater was originally designed as a safe area in case something like that happened so we've been camped out here. Jinnai: Been about a day and a half and no one's dead yet. Tron: Ifurita and Ratchet don't need air so their doing most of the work, Ranma and Ukyo are out there watching them, Nephilania's mirror is broken so she's out for a while and Nyako...Well she got sucked out of the ship.. Freeza: I pu..mean she tripped. Tron: It doesn't matter everyone knows you did it. Anyhow to pass the time we've been having a kareokee contest. Jinnai: Trust us you haven't missed much unless the idea of Freeza singing I feel pretty appeals to you. Freeza: Everyone's a damn critic... Naga: Who's up anyhow? Tron: I'm not sure. The queen mother should be calling soon anyway. Naga: Don't you mean the queen mother f[Jinnai covers her mouth] Tron: Don't know why you bothered with that. One of us will probably say it eventually. Cell: I think he just wants first crack. Jinnai: Crack...We lost a lot of drugs there. Tron: Tough it out soldier. Serenity (over the intercom): Hello. All: Oh hell. Serenity: Yes...Well we're a little busy tonight so I'll just tell you your fic. It's a Gundam Wing yaoi fic. Jinnai: We have just heard the four most painful words... Tron: Resident evil lemon fic. All: [Gasp] Jinnai: I stand corrected. Tron: I hope so. That hurt just saying it. Serenity: You people really frighten me sometimes. Rei's voice: Will you hurry up? This outfit is chaffing the hell out of me. Serenity: Damn it Rei I told you to be quiet! Start the fic. Tron: You think we want to know? Jinnai: Nahhhh. Cell: Accept the pain. Freeza: Like we have a choice. Jinnai: Let's get this over with. >::Unsatisfied Love:: Jinnai: The Ranma and Akane story. Ranma (intercom): Sore subject... Freeza: I am damned unsatisfied to die this way. Tron: Old joke. Freeza: But it rings so true... >+ Author >Maxwell's Demon Jinnai: Second cousin to Maxwell's angel. Tomoe: You've been drinking draino again haven't you? >+ Disclaimers >The usual. Emerald: Suspects. >+ Completed >01/09/01 Naga: A day that will live in indifference. Tron: The lows just keep getting lower. >+ Pairings >1+2 Jinnai: So it's a threesome? Tron: Ranma knows more about that then any of us. Ranma (over the intercom): Some times I wish I was a lot more obscure. Emerald: Honey you ain't the only one. >+ Warnings Jinnai: Not responsible for nerve damage. Tron: Void where prohibited. Naga: Keep refrigerated. Cell: Your all crazy you know that? Naga: It's kind of hard to deny. >Shounen ai, Jinnai: Oh? >angst, Tron: Ooooooh... >depressing, Emerald: Oh? >cursing, Emerald: Trust me we'll do that. >OOCness, Freeza: Ohhhhhhhh. >Duo's POV, Cell: Oh shit. >more angst, Naga: Must have been a clearance. >attempted suicide, Tomoe: Done it. >blood Emerald: Sounds like a party to me. >+ Author's Notes and/or Comments >Um... whoa. Tron: A woman of few words...I like that. >"..." = Speech >/.../ = Thought ~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Freeza: Page break jokes? We don't need no stinking page break jokes! >Unrealistic, isn't it? Tron: Yeah, Dragon Ball Z fandom is kinda unbelievable. Cell: You really know how to hurt a guy.... >Love, I mean. Naga: Oh I don't know. Tron: You've got a biased opinion. And your both crazy anyway. Jinnai: Can't argue with that. >You are raised believing that this feeling is the best feeling in the >world. Tron: Sucker. Emerald: You said it. >So you dream of the day you find that one person. Freeza: Then you just keep on dreaming. >The one that is alive for just you, so you can feel love, and return it in kind. Tron: If that view was any more syrupy I'd start making pancakes. >They say that when in love, you get a weightlessness feeling in your >stomach, Jinnai: No that's stomach flue. >and your heart beats faster, so you can feel it in your chest, Tron: And that's a heart attack. Tomoe: Same thing really. >when this person is near you. Your mind slows, and it takes you a >moment longer to process thoughts and speech. Tron: Oh that line just has so many possibilities. But frankly I still don't give a damn. >They never mention the feelings when that person is not around you. Emerald: Sucker. Tron: We did that. Emerald: It bears repeating. Tomoe: This love thing's a big shame to continue the species anyhow. Jinnai and Naga: [Frenching again.] Freeza: Then again some of us don't care enough to get the point. Tron: Yes we know homosexual love isn't a shame to continue the species but we're not gonna turn this into a debate. >Such an emptiness. Tron: No that's being hungry. >Such unbearable pain. Emerald: That's a resident evil lemon. >It makes you wonder. All: I wa-wa-wa-wa wooooonder. Tron: You know it creeps me out when we all do something like that... >Love, is it really all worth it? Tron: Probably not. >Once you find it, and it leaves, what then? Freeza: Either community theater or the legion. >Is it really better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all? Emerald: It's all pretty subjective. Tron: Nahh it just sucks. >I suppose that's a question I couldn't really answer, myself. Jinnai: Then why are you wasting our time wondering about it? Tron: Ahh so your wondering too eh? >I love from a distance. Ironic, isn't it? Naga: Not really. >Even in love, I hide in the shadows. Emerald: Join the club pal. >I continue to be Death. Cell: As in your boring me to... Tron: Oh yeah I'll pretend I didn't hear that mister 40 episode fight sequence. >If I let my mask crack, all chaos would be cut lose. Tron: Or everyone would just say "Damn your ugly". Jinnai: Can we get some idea who's talking here? Emerald: Probably Zechs...He's the only one in this series that wears a mask. Naga: Nahh. Remember the warnings? It's either Duo or some other mildly uninteresting pretty boy. Emerald: I though you liked em pretty and stupid. Naga: Nevermind. Jinnai: Love is a many splintered thing. >I can't let anyone know the real me. Tron: And we have angst cliché #1! >I can't let him know. Love is a trap. A prison. Emerald: What about a battlefield? Tron: No that's just stupid. >A cell of confusion and pain. Freeza: And a hell of a lot of metaphores. >You are left asking questions, never receiving the answers. Jinnai: Phrase it in the form of a question. >Why does it hurt so much when your lover is gone? Jinnai: It just does. >Why do lovers fight, if they are supposed to be in love? Tron: Cause loves not the same thing as agreement. >Why do people love ones that are out of their reach? Emerald: I'd like to know that myself. >To only be left in a pool of despair. Tron: Hmmmm....You know I think they're slipping down there. This really isn't all that bad. >Pain. Loneliness. Naga: Spam. >Left with no comfort, no release. Jinnai: No milk, no money, no disco no fooling around. Naga: I worry about you. >Nothing to rid the pain of rejection. Emerald: That's cliché...Hmmm 4 or 5. >How do I know so much about rejection, you may wonder? Naga: Bet your going to tell us. >Easily. I have been rejected. Jinnai: Got it in one. >I've been rejected by the one that I love. Tron: Cause it wouldn't make any difference if it was the one you hate. >Oh, how I love him. The one they call the Perfect Soldier. Such lies. >He's not a perfect soldier. He is just merely... perfect. Tron: I seeeeeeeee.... >In every way, shape, and form. Heart, mind, body, and soul. Naga: Unless you count the fact he's a dick. >Complete and utter perfection, from the depths of his deep, Prussian >blue eyes, to the tousled mop of brownish hair on his head. Emerald: Not doing a thing for me. No desire bursts through my loins like....something bursting.... >He haunts my dreams, he haunts my nightmares, he haunts my life. Tron: Look my ass just put in a protest so if you could kindly move along.... >I am in love with the pilot of Wing Zero, Heero Yuy. All: You poor sap. >Yes, that psychotic, homicidal, suicidal, bastard. Who just happens to >also have the sexiest body known to man. Naga: Somebody's got it bad.... Jinnai: I think it's us. Naga: You got me. Jinnai: [Face in the bosom yet again!] >What I wouldn't give to feel those lips against mine, that scarred >flesh beneath my hands. Tron: Man and I though Emerald was aiming low... >Damn those bastards that scarred such beauty. Jinnai: Damn you all to hell! You finally did it! Naga: Don't start or you're sleeping on the couch. >I wish I could kiss each wound, Tron: [As Duo] Sure it's kinda weird but I'm into weird. >each bruise on his skin, healing the pain away. Tomoe: I'm guessing there's no health care in the future. >But I have no such power, Emerald: Must have forgot his utility bills. >nor such permission to touch the man I desire. Tron: Look if you kissed the guy you'd probably get frostbite anyhow. >He doesn't let me hug him, Jinnai: So just cop a feel sometime. That's what I used to do. Naga: We agreed not to talk about that.... Tron: [Hands Jinnai a shovel.] Face it man you're digging your own grave. [Rimshot] Jinnai: Ifurita I told you to lose that drum set! Emerald: Isn't she sitting this one out? >let alone kiss him. Raised without emotions, knowing only missions, >failure as not an option. Emerald: What does failure have to do with this? Tron: Oh for...Haven't you been paying attention? Emerald: You have? >They ruined him. Tron: Which they? Jinnai: Them. Naga: I think that it would be the other they. Emerald: No that they doesn't do that sort of thing. You're thinking of the other they. Naga: Which they? Tron: Them. Cell: Kill me.... >I can see it, when I look into those deep eyes of his, the raw >emotion he has, burning to be released. But he will not allow it. They >told him not to. It's all their fault. All: [Singing] Let's blame the lightman, and everybody else. Tron: Don't worry we're counting on not many people knowing that song. >The love he denies the pacifist woman. Jinnai: Relena...She frightens me... Naga: Me too. Hold me.... Tron: Okay when you run into people that scare those two.... Emerald: Actually she scares me too.... >The love he denies me. It is because of them that he shows nothing. >I've tried to break the soldier mask of his. Tron: Hey! That's a collector's item you know! >Oh, by the God of Death himself, how I've tried! Tomoe: And again I find myself under whemled. >I've tried so hard to pry him away from that damned laptop of his. I'd >ask him to come out for a walk with me, go to an arcade, play a game >of basketball... Jinnai: It'll change the way you look at male bonding. Naga: Or bondage. Tron: [Whispers in Naga's ear. Naga starts crying] Jinnai: What did you? Tron: I reminded her of the lemon about her and Lina. And I know of a few about you and Makoto. Jinnai: [Breaks down crying] Tron: [Singing] I feel vicious oh so vicious.... >Hell, I've asked him to go get piss drunk with me! Freeza: Ahhhh drunk. Jinnai: Booze. It really heals. Tron: Brought to you by the SOD group for binge drinking. It ain't dangerous if your not going anywhere. >But he'd just grunt or tell me to shut up. Why is he always so >unfeeling? Naga: Didn't we just go over that? >If only he wasn't such a cold bastard. Then, maybe, he'd feel the same >way towards me the way I feel about him. Tron: Damned unlikely but what the hell. > If there's one thing that keeps me fighting in this damn war, one >thread of hope for happiness after all the blood shed, it's him. Tron: You should always try to keep your options open. > That thread, however, has been ripped apart. I lost myself in a >simple moment of silence and in my thoughts, and I told him. All: Sucker. > I said 'I love you,' and all he said was not to interfere with his >life. Tron: Oh! Shot down! Jinnai: And then shot a few more times when he hit. Naga: Oh well. What's on t.v.? >Now I stand here, gazing at all the flaws in my pale flesh in the >reflection of the mirror. All: [Singing] He's just a sucker with no self esteem. Tron: Okay we've used up our quota on that word. >My violet eyes are void of the emotions they used to have. I don't >need that emotion anymore. No one wants it. No one wants me. All: [Singing (badly)] Cause nobody looooooves me it's true. > I look down at the switchblade in my hand. Tron: No we've done enough musical jokes too. > Idly, I flip the blade out, then back again, hearing the 'click' ring >in my ears. Naga: That's a damn loud knife. >Flipping it out again, it suddenly dawns upon me how ironic my >situation is. Tron: Don't ya think? Naga: Not about this. > I am Death. For most of my life, I have claimed the lives of people, >sending their souls to Hell. Now, Death is going to claim his own >life, his own soul. Spill his own blood. Tron: I'm overwhelmed. But it think it's got more to do with that burrito I had for lunch. Everyone else: [Put on gas masks] >I feel nothing as the blade begins to part my skin, blood beginning to >spill from my flesh. I slice across my wrist slowly, gazing intently >as each drop slides down my arm. I still can feel nothing, as if I am >void of all emotion and physical pain. Tron: Wow that's so...so... Emerald: Poetic? Tron: I was going to say pathetic. Jinnai: Works for me. >I wonder if this is how Heero feels. So helpless and alone. I watch as >my own hand adds another cut, starting from the center of my palm, >down to the inside of my elbow. Jinnai: I'm no expert but shouldn't he have died by now? Tron: No that's if you do the throat and the wrist at the same time. > Still staring, my vision is suddenly filled with a cross of flesh. >No, not flesh... It is a cross of blood. Freeza: Your making me cross. Tron: We all are. Get used to it. >I hear the door creek open at that moment. Turning, I face a pair or >furious Prussian blue eyes, ripping into the very depths of my soul. Emerald: That's going to leave a hell of a stain on the carpet. > In two steps he is at my side, grasping the knife by the blade and >tearing it from my hand. Tron: There's a joke in there somewhere but I've got to much on my mind right now.[Someone cuts a huge one] Why are you all looking at me? Emerald: Oh look the wall paper's disintergrating. Tomoe: Let us have one moment of silence for our dignity. > He throws the blade aside, and I watch as it clatters into the >bathtub, splattering my blood onto the tub. Naga: I hope your going to scrub that later. Tron: He's got bigger problems at the moment. > I look back at Heero, and he glares at me, then grabs my wounded arm >tightly. I hiss out in pain, seeing my blood ooze out between his >fingers. Tomoe: [As Heero] Anyone got a rag handy? >"Baka," he whispers, reaching for the first aid kit under the sink. He >slams the kit down on the toilet seat. Tron: Hmmmm...You know Freud would have a field day with this bunch. >Turning on the water, he forces my bleeding arm underneath the stream, >rinsing some of the blood off. Then the water is replaced by rubbing >alcohol, and I wince with pain each time it touches my wound. I'm >still bleeding. I'm still bleeding, Naga: You just said that. > but he keeps working, ignoring his bloody hands and his own cut. Tron: When did that happen? Jinnai: Who knows? We're pretty much running on fumes now anyway. > He reaches for the gauze, and wraps it very tightly around my arm and >palm. Eyeing his work, his eyes meet mine again. Jinnai: Do you suppose those are natural? Tomoe: Who cares? He's still a femme. > "Baka," he mutters, cleaning up the sink and placing the kit away. >Exiting the bathroom, he forces me to sit on the bed, then just stands >there, glaring down at me. Tron: Does this bug you? I'm not touching you! >"Baka." Tron: Okay you know a Japanese word get over it! >I can't stand it anymore. "I'm not Japanese, dumb-fuck. What the hell >does 'baka' mean?" Jinnai: Someone's not a fanboy. All: A friend! >I growl, frustrated and lightheaded. Naga: Well yes that usually happens after you lose a lot of blood. >I don't even see his arm move before the flat of his palm collides >with my cheek, sending a sharp, stinging pain to my jaw. Tron: The slap heard round the room. > "It means you're an idiot! What the fuck were you thinking!? You >could have died!" Jinnai: [As Duo] That's what I was thinking! > He yelled at me, his voice rising until he finally screamed the last >word, face red with anger. Tron: The audience has gone deaf. > Barely comprehending what he said, I held my hand against the >stinging flesh on my cheek, shocked that he struck me. I look up at >him, tears falling down my face. "Did you ever stop to think that >that's what I wanted..?" Jinnai: If I had to guess I'd say no. > I whispered. "Did you ever stop to think about how I felt!?" Tron: Nope. > Now, I yelled, more tears joining the other. He glared at me as hard >as possible, his face straining to look angrier. Then, in a low, >vicious tone, he replied. >"No." All: Yes. >I stared at him in shock. "You...you selfish bastard!" I moved to >strike him, but he's faster. He always is. Holding my wrist in a vise >like grip, he hissed at me. "I'm not the selfish bastard, Duo. You >are! You're being selfish by trying to kill yourself! Out of all >the... Jesus, Duo! Why the fuck did you pull such a stupid stunt!?" Tron: Lover's quarrel...I feel ashamed of myself... Naga: For making fun of the fic? Tron: No for that fart. > I yank my wrist away, glaring at him through tears. I will not cry. >Boys don't cry. Tron: When the hell did this turn into Ranma angst? Jinnai: Baby gonna cry? Naga: No. Not like that anyhow. >"Because of you!" Jinnai: [Singing] It's all about me, yes me... Tron: Oh knock it off. > I emphasized the last word by jabbing my finger into his shoulder. >"You hate me! Tomoe: They sound more like a couple the longer this goes on. >I know you do! You just keep me alive for the mission! That's all you >ever care about. The fuckin' missions! I can't live without you, Yuy! >What about you, huh? Can you live without your precious missions? What >happens after the war? What'll you do then!?" Jinnai: [As Heero] I dunno die I guess. >"I don't plan on being alive after the war. Everyone: [Gapes] Jinnai: Let's pretend that never happened. > I'll die an honorable death in battle." Naga: Or in a bar I'm still a little fuzzy on which. >"Jesus, Yuy! You aren't Wufei! All: Thank god. >What about-" He cuts me off, putting a hand over my ever-moving mouth. >"Shut up, Duo. You will live, Jinnai: So live with it. > I'll make sure to it. So don't try any more foolish stunts." Jinnai: [As Duo] Aww come on can't I at least drive a motor cycle into a burning wall? > He glared hard at me before turning around, leaving me. Alone. I'm >all alone again. Alive. There's no escape for my misery. I'm trapped >in my own personal hell. Cell: So we're pretty much right where we started. >Unrealistic, isn't it? Life, I mean... Naga: And so we wave goodbye to our friends. Jinnai: Heero will be back in seven brides for seven brothers. Tron: You're toasted aren't you? >+ End All: Or is it? Tron: Nope I think it is. Ukyo: Okay guys Ratchet and Ifurita fixed the hull breach so you can come out now. Jinnai: Great. Let's go. [Everyone bolts out of there. Later on the bridge] Ranma: So what did you think? Tron: It wasn't a lemon. That's the good part. Jinnai: Making jokes was pretty easy. Ratchet: Did we miss anything? Tron: Not really. Hey what about Neph? Ranma: Well it'll take a while to glue the mirror back together. Freeza: So what do we do now? Emerald: I don't know...Wanna smoke some crack? Tron: Yeah why not. We might as well finish the round while we're at it. Tomoe your up! Music! [Music starts playing as a group of servbots driving minature cars with raised tail pipes come in. The pipes detach turning out to be giant wheeled bongs. Everyone takes a hit] Tomoe: Okay this is a little song about my dear departed wife. [Singing] She had a gap between her two front teeth that you could drive a truck through [Jinnai imitates a truck horn] breath like a trash can dumpster that could kill you, she drove a 1973 chevy blazer and her legs and her armpits never saw a razor, she a curlers in her hair window rolled down and a dip of snuff spit on the ground, drunk as I was that woman looked good to me oh yeah! Everyone else: Sing you bastard! Tomoe: [Singing] Now I've got this burning sensation when I pee, when I'm standing in a public bathroom people stop and take a look at me. Everybody now! Everyone: I've got this burning sensation when I pee Tomoe: Grab the hand of the one ya love look into her eyes and sing it like this. [Singing once more] I've got this burning sensation when I pee, I've got a damn good feeling you're the one that gave it to me I've got creepy crawly crabs crawling all over me, them itchy little bastards I just can't get em to leave. Tron: [Gongs him] Jinnai: Okay my turn. [Singing] I saw her sitting in a barroom in that smoke atmosphere, she smiled back at me as I drank down one last beer, she pulled me on the dance floor and we danced a song or two, it was then I realized that I'd bitten more then I could chew...I think I'm dancing with a man, she's got calluses on her hands, she's got a voice deeper then mine she gets a stiffy when we grind think I'm dancing with a man...We sat down and talked a while, then we listened to the band, and a friend of mine walked by, and he asked her if she'd dance, and he gently took her hand eeeewwwwew and he twirled her round and round, it looked like he was having fun, until her skirt fell to the ground I think he's dancing with a man, the boy at the lodge won't understand, as they two stepped cross the floor I quickly headed for the door I think he's dancing with a man. (Tomoe joins in) Awww shit I think we're dancing with a man, it'll be know throughout the land, two evil guys we danced a jig with a dude who wore a wig I think we're dancing with a man. Jinnai: She crushed a beer can on her head, good lord her forehead's red, we've been dancing with a damn big man... Tron: I worry about you guys. [Takes another hit] Ranma: I've been worried since they sent us up here. Jinnai: I'm worried about the fact we're out of booze. Tron: Oh well. Good night. [Pushes the button] Jinnai: And here's hoping if Rodeny Carrington reads this he won't sue.