MYSTERY MARIO THEATER Y3K EXPERIMENT TWO: "IGGY RULES" BY STALFOS BY: CHRIS WATERS (waterstimberlakes@erols.com) Here's my second attempt at solo-MSTing. As always, comments are welcome. Now the legal shit. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its concept are property of Best Brains Productions and (maybe) Joel Hodgson. Mario, Luigi, and all related characters are property of Shigeru Miyamoto and Nintendo of America and Japan. "Iggy Rules" is property of Stalfos and he can keep it. No insult is meant in making this MSTing. I just felt like MSTing this story. If you have something against it, MST this MSTing yourself. I'd welcome it. Enough talk, LET'S GET IT ON! "MYSTERY MARIO THEATER Y3K THEME SONG" In the not to distant future The day after yesterday King Bowser and Wario Found a way to make Mario pay They invited him and a few of his friends To a party that they said never ends When the heroes were all at the meeting place The villains conked them on the noggin And they shot them into space. (MARIO: HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOOO!) We'll send him crappy fan-fics, Bad scripts and even worse. (La, la, la.) He'll have to sit and watch them all Because that is his curse. (La, la, la.) Now keep in mind Mario can't control Where all this stuff begins or ends, (La, la, la.) He's trying to keep his sanity With the help of his best friends. BEST FRIEND ROLL CALL YOSHI! (YOSHI: Yoshi!) TOAD! (TOAD: Hi all!) PEACH! (PEACH: Peachy!) LUIGI! (LUIGI: Yahoo!) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, Or other pointless facts, (La, la, la) Then repeat to yourself "This is Nintendo, I should really just relax" For Mystery Mario Theater Y3K <5> (4) !3! |2| [1] /K/ (A shot of the bridge of the Satellite of Koopa. The bridge is seemingly empty. Just then, Toad walks onto the set in a black suit) TOAD: (Rod Sterling) Submitted for your approval is this story. A story of pain, suffering, and plumbers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "The Mushroom Zone" (A sign is held up, in Twilight Zone lettering, saying "The Mushroom Zone" After the sign is dropped, the camera (controlled by Yoshi) zooms into the area that Toad wants them to see. In there, Mario and Luigi are on the ground in straightjackets rocking forward and backwards.) LUIGI: No sign of freedom, no sign of peace, no sign of victory, no sign of normality. MARIO: Brain been fried, still alive, wish that I was dead. (Just then, Peach walks on camera in a nurse's outfit. She has a clipboard in hand and looks down at the Bros.) PEACH: Poor guys. After that last fanfic, their minds are more scrambled than a dozen eggs. LUIGI: (to Peach) Mommy, can I have some breast milk please? (Peach slaps Luigi hard for that comment then seemingly writes something. The light saying the Mads are calling flashes, and Toad silently presses the button. (Wario looks into the camera, about to make some snide remark, when he sees what is going on. Bowser is in the back, working on something that looks like a telephone booth.) WARIO: ...IT WORKED! WOW, AND AFTER ONLY 1 EXPERIMENT. BOWSER: Wario, what senseless dribble are you talking about now. WARIO: It's the Mario Bros.: THEY'VE GONE PLUM LOCO! BOWSER: (Running to Camera)REALLY????!!!! (Bowser looks into the camera with interest. A few seconds later, he is hit with a pie to the face. He wipes it off, angrily.) BOWSER: WHAT...THE HELL...WAS THAT!? (On the bridge, all of the crew (now in normal attire) are laughing like crazy. Even Yoshi is laughing, which is shown by the camera shaking up and down.) MARIO: (after laughs)Oh, it's just our new invention, Lord Spikey and Blubber Boy. We call it the Camera Teleporter. (is given a device from the camera lens by Yoshi. It seems like a Power Ring from the "Sonic The Hedgehog" Saturday Morning Cartoon and Archie Comic.) You see, with this device here, we can transport anything needed from our end to yours. We're still waiting for a living test though... (All look at each other, knowing what they have plan.) BOWSER: We'll just see about that, Power Rangers. But for now, I'll show you MY invention. Wario, come with me. (grabs Wario's right ear with two claws) WARIO: Aw, come on! What did *I* do? BOWSER: You let me get hit in the face by their dumb invention. NOW GET IN THE BOOTH! (Bowser tosses Wario HARD into the booth and locks the doors shut. A light blasts on, followed by a lot of screaming by Wario. Bowser smiles to the camera.) BOWSER: It's MY invention this week, Veterans of the Cuteness Wars: The Agony Booth: Version K1. (Wario is screaming for help) (Everyone is chuckling) PEACH: Couldn't happen to a nicer person. BOWSER: Laugh while you can, for when I rule the Mushroom Kingdom, these booths will be required in every house. I'll have pain settings set for anything that I think is painful. Right now I have Wario on "burning". There's also "oxygen deprivation", "being cut by a rusty knife", and my personal favorite, "going to a nudist colony full of obsessively overweight people" (All Blink-blink at the screen) MARIO: That's...horrible! BOWSER: (smiling) Yes, I know. Now since I can't torture you with one of these babies right now, I'll just send you your pain for this evening. (At that time, Wario stumbles out of the Agony Booth) WARIO: The horror...THE HORROR! BOWSER: PUSH THE BUTTON NOW OR YOU GO BACK IN THERE! (Wario quickly presses the button in fear, and then is tossed into the booth anyway) (Buzzers are blaring and sirens are flashing all around.) MARIO: PREPARE FOR PAIN, CAUSE WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIIIIIIIGN! /K/ [1] |2| !3! (4) <5> (Peach, Mario, and Luigi walk into the theater and sit down in the first three seats in that order.) LUIGI: Wait a second, we never got info on what we're riffing! BOWSER: (Voice Over)You'll see soon enough. PEACH: Famous words that will spell evil. >Iggy Rules ALL: GAH! PEACH: Since when did they decide to have me turn over my kingdom? LUIGI: Iggy? As in Iggy Koopa? Oi vey! MARIO: As I said before we entered the theater, prepare for pain! >Written by Stalfos LUIGI: Hmm, I wonder if Link knows about this guy. MARIO: If he doesn't, I think he'll have some fun hunting this guy. >Iggy Rules as King PEACH: Uh uh, NO WAY IN HELL I'm marrying him so he can get the throne. LUIGI: Maybe he married Bowser instead. PEACH: ...All right, I'm getting a copy of that agony booth up here. >In this castle were all the koopas who ruled for centuries. All the koopalings were unhappy >together except one koopaling, Iggy Koopa. He is so bored. MARIO: Join the club, Iggy. LUIGI: (narrator)He had long since made the pages of his copies of PlayKoopa magazine... MARIO: (holding hand over Luigi's mouth)Please, save it for later, kay? >His twin brother Lemmy wanted to talk to Iggy, he said, "What's the matter?" >Iggy replied, "I want to take over Bowser's place as king." >Lemmy said, "Oh, oh, can I be a prince?" PEACH: Uh, if Lemmy is a prince that would make him become Iggy's son. For that to have happened, Iggy would have had to mate with his mother, thus AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHH! >Iggy said, "Sure bro, but we have to steal all seven wands." >Lemmy said, "We have two only, we will make sure of that." >Wendy and Roy went to their rooms and they looked for their wands and they said, "Our wands >have been stolen! >Ludwig went back to his lab and said, "My wand is gone!" LUIGI: That's the same problem John Bobbit's had before. MARIO: LUIGI! >They went to the throne room and bowser said, "Where is Iggy and Lemmy?" >"I don't know?" said Larry. >"Are you lookin' for us?" >"our wands!" said Bowser. MARIO: Wow, this takes the term "whose line is it anyway?" to a whole new meaning. >Suddenly, Lemmy used his wand to turn the koopalings into turtles and Bowser got it too. PEACH: Rabies, that is. >They went to Ludwig's lab, and stole his robot monster named Tyrontor. They went to the >Mushroom Kingdom. Mario and Luigi were on their way to meet the princess, but a storm >cloud has covered the kingdom. >Iggy said, "Mario this is the final battle with Iggy Koopa!" LUIGI: This must be set during Super Mario Wor...er, during our vacation on Yoshi's Island, that is. PEACH: Nice save from 4th wall breaking there. >Mario said, "Mama mia!" So luigi jumped very high and knocked off Lemmy out of Tyrontor's >hand, >"I need a break said Lemmy. >Luigi said, "You don't need one." MARIO: (sarcastic)Oh, what GRIPPING dialogue! >Mario found a secrect switch and opened a door. Mario said, "One of these has to self destruct >Tyrontor". He found a switch and Tyrontor fell apart. Suddenly Mario grabbed the seven wands >and shot Iggy for good. Everything has turn back to normal. (All stare at the screen) MARIO: THAT'S supposed to be an action sequence? LUIGI: Damn, if that's how one of our typical adventures go, I'm GLAD I'm left out of most of them. PEACH: (intrigued)And I didn't get captured once here. I might LIKE having Iggy ruling the Koopas! (Both brothers sigh in disgust at Peach's comment) >Bowser went to see Iggy after the battle. He said, "IGGY!" >That night, Iggy was buried into the graveyard and a person named King Stone Sphinx, who >has a koopa troopa head took Iggy's body and left. MARIO: Great, the LAST thing we need is a "Frankenstein" spoof in this fic. LUIGI: Who knows, it might improve this piece of dribble. >WHO HIS KING STONE SPHINX? WHAT WILL HE DO TO IGGYS BODY? PEACH: Does anyone care. HELL NO! >King Stone Sphinx >In Desert Land was a pyramid. LUIGI: Well THERE'S a novel concept! >A new villain stole Iggy's body for something? MARIO: Why don't you tell us? YOU'RE the author. >MEANWHILE. >Lemmy and Larry were going to a vaction, to Desert Land, so was Mario and Yoshi, but they >got attacked by 3 Cobrats. PEACH: That's strange, how can we you be attacked by something in one of Mario's dreams? MARIO: Don't make me explain that, honey. Otherwise your head will hurt. >They Yoshinapped Yoshi. Mario had to follow the Cobrat's in a strange pyramid, but Lemmy >and Larry asked Mario to help him get Iggy's body back. LUIGI: (Mario)HELL NO! Do your OWN damn dirty work. >Mario said, "Well alright but after I get it back, we'll be as Bowser's enemies." >MEANWHILE. >King Stone Sphinx said, "So this is the tresspasser, well you will be joining Iggy Koopa soon, >HA HA HA HA HA HA! Cobrats, take him to the dungeon." MARIO: (K.S.S)Put him in, THE COMFY CHAIR! PEACH: (Yoshi)NO! Anything but the comfy chair! Not that! >Yoshi saw Mario and Lemmy and Larry. >Yoshi said, "Mario help me." LUIGI: (Yoshi)Help me Plumber-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope! >Mario said, "Okay Yoshi. Super Punch!" and he BASH the brick's down. >Yoshi said, "Hurry, King Stone Sphinx has Iggy." >Larry said, "Who is he?" MARIO: (Yoshi)HE'S YOUR BROTHER, YOU oh, you were talking about Stone Sphinx. Sorry. >Yoshi said, "No time, follow me." >Suddenly, Mario said, "Okay bad boy, your history." >"I think not." said king stone sphinx. PEACH: Ah, another Ratliffian Battle Sequence. MARIO BROS.: Who? PEACH: Trust me, you DON'T want to know. >The cobrat's combined and transform into TRICLYDE! LUIGI: Great, these Cobrats are Pokemon. MARIO: (Ash Katchem)Cobrat's Evolving into Triclyde! PEACH: (Triclyde)Tri! >Yoshi tried to eat him but it didn't work? YOSHI: (off Camera, angrily)YOSHI! LUIGI: Calm down Yoshi. We'll give you a Triclyde of your own to eat later. YOSHI: (off camera)Yoshi! >Larry and Lemmy use their wands to hold Triclyde. Mario hit King Stone Sphinx and pushed >him into the lava. King Stone Sphinx's spell was broken. Triclyde vanished. PEACH: Audience attention span was still at 0% MARIO: If that. >Iggy returned to normal and iggy said, "What happened?" >Lemmy said, "nothing and now bye bye mario and yoshi." They got away. MARIO: This story makes Ed Wood look like a genius. LUIGI: Yeah, at least he knew how to use a bald guy as a freak. >Mario said, "come on yoshi let's get out of here." >THAT NIGHT. PEACH: Mario and I were getting it on in bed...oh wait, wrong story. MARIO: You know of stories like that? PEACH: Not yet, but... LUIGI: Hmmm..... >In the lava, a hand came out and laughed "HA HA HA HA HA HA." >you don't suppose he's back? >THE END? LUIGI: Gods let's hope so! (All leave the theater in disgust) <5> (4) !3! |2| [1] /K/ (The whole crew (minus Toad) are leaning on the counter, drinking coffee. The have haggared looks on their faces) PEACH: Now THAT was painful. LUIGI: I don't know what was worse, the lack of a good plot, or the constant out of character- ness of ourselves. MARIO: (with a hopeful look in his eyes)But hey, think about this. I mean, if we were given something THIS bad, how much worse can it get for us? (The other two at the table get wide eyed with glee at this) LUIGI: Hey yeah! I mean, we've survived this piece of dribble, so what else is there to give us? PEACH: WE ARE INVINCIBLE! (The Mads Light flashes, and Mario happily presses the button) (Bowser is at the camera, and Wario is in the booth again) BOWSER: Oh, you think that was all we had? OH HELL NO! That was only the tip of the iceberg! We have lots more, and worse, torture prepared for you! Just wait, you're brains will be mush one of these days. Until then...(Wario screams really loud again as we fade out.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And on that, another chapter in the Mystery Mario Theater saga comes to a close. I don't know when or what the next chapter will be, so you'll just find out when I do. Anyway, for the Mystery Mario Theater crew, I'm Chris Waters: Good fight, good night! "You're only given a little spark of madness. And if you lose that, you're nothing!" Robin Williams 1978 HBO Special