Love Potion # 9 WRITTEN BY: Sailor Love MSTIED BY: Jamie Jeans a.k.a. JOLT!!! Hello everyone! Man it's been a long time since I last wrote one of these, but work at University and the consequential studying that accompanies it really ruins a guy's time for MSTing. But I am glad to be coming back to it with a fanfic that a fan named Ann sent to me. If I got your name wrong, I'm sorry, but my memory got screwed up trying to memorize all of these courses. Anyhow, I hope you all enjoy this! MST # fifty five! WHOO!!! LEGAL STUFF: All characters and concepts of Mystery Science Theater 3000 belongs to Best Brains Inc. Please don't sue me for I am merely borrowing your characters and not laying any claim on them. The following fanfic which is MSTied belongs to the author and not me. Oh yeah, anything and everything that even comes close to belonging to the WWF belongs to the WWF. And if they want to use my invention ideas, then I want a ten percent cut of the profits. Now... on to the show! ___________________________________________________________________________ As cambot came online, the little robot showed the bridge of the Satelite of Love to not only be deserted, but without any light. Cambot looked around for a bit, trying to find the crew, to no luck. A few moments later though, the crew stumbled into the bridge... "Ow! Hey, watch where you're stepping to, Crow! You nearly broke my hoverskirt!" Tom said. "What do you expect? It's so dark in here! Hey Joel, where's the flashlight?" Crow asked. Joel fumbled about in the darkness and Cambot focused in on where he thought the Gizmonic employee was. "Hold on... I think it's around here somewhere," he said. The sounds of rustling about sounded throughout the bridge and then a light clicked on, illuminating Joel's face. "AHHHH!!! It's a monster!" Tom cried out, then laughed. "oh it's just you, Joel... heh heh..." "What's going on here? We've never had a blackout up here before," Crow pointed out, the beam of light falling on his head. "I don't know," Joel said, the noticed Cambot. "Oh hello. Joel here on the good old SOL. As you can see, we're expierencing some technical difficulty." "Some?" Tom asked sarcasticly. "AOL dosen't have this much technical difficulty." The red robot looked around. "Say, where's Gypsy? I thought she kept this place from falling apart." "The problem isn't technical," the purple robot said as she appeared behind Joel and the bots, who all screamed out in fright. She ignored the yelling and continued. "The power from the SOL's reactor has been redirected elsewhere." "Yes... but... *where?!*" Tom asked in his most dramatic Kirk voice. The yellow light started to flash and Joel tapped it. "Laverne and Shirly are calling, maybe they know," he mused. DEEP 13 The lights of the underground laboratory were dimmed, but on, and Frank could be seen working on something dilligently in the background. Smiling his usual smile, Dr. Forrester stepped into view of the camera. "Hello there, Tom, Crow, Joel... as you can see, Deep 13 has run into some very bad electrical troubles due on part to a certain someone's bad investment," the mad scientist explained. In the background, Frank winced visibly. "And as such, we didn't have the money to pay for the electric bill and had to redirect the power of the SOL here. Now, as we have no working capital left, today's invention exchange will focus on something which we can easily sell to someone or some company for some fast bucks." Dr. Forrester looked back at Frank and then back to face Joel and the bots. "Seeing as how Frank is still working diligently, why don't you go first?" SATTELITE OF LOVE "Something to sell to someone huh? Well, we've had just the thing for such a situation," Joel said as he reached under the table, placing the flashlight in Crow's headnet, and pulled a plastic, brown butt. "As you all know wrestling has reached a level of popularity not seen since the WWF was first created," Tom started. Crow moved around so that the flashlight was shining directly into the robot's... head. "And jello has been a snack that people of all ages has loved for decades." "What we have done is combine the two into a delicious snack in the shape of one of the most popular wrestlers in the WWF!" Crow said, turning to direct the light onto the invention. DEEP 13 "You mean... the Rock?" Frank asked. SATELITE OF LOVE "No, Rakishi Fatu!" Joel announced as he opened the top of the snack and scooped out a spoonful of jello. "We call this delightful snack the Rakishi Jello Jiggler! It even jiggles when you slap the container, much like the wrestlers posterior when he slaps it." To prove his point, Joel slapped the container and it jiggled disturbingly in the light, even though it was made of solid plastic. "What do you think, sirs?" DEEP 13 "Hmmm... interesting... but as you'll soon see, *my* invention will blow yours out of the water!" Dr. Forrester proclaimed. "Frank, show them the invention will you?" Frank rolled out a cart with various household items on it as the mad scientist began to talk. "Beyond the Mat has been proclaimed as the movie Vince Mcmahon dosen't want you to see. By expanding on this delightful new phrase, I give you the other stuff Vince Mcmahon dosen't want you to see!" Frank held up an old used jock strap. "Presenting the jock strap Vince Mcmahon dosen't want you to see." He put it back down on the cart and held up a pair of old socks. "The socks Vince Mcmahon dosen't want you to see." He put the socks down and held up a fold up metal chair. "The chair Vince Mcmahon dosen't want you to see..." "Simply by building on the controversy of this film, I have made these common household items controversial, thus I can sell them for huge sums of money." Dr. Forrester was practically beaming at his genius while Frank rambled on. "The shoes Vince Mcmahon dosen't want you to see... the belly lint Vince Mcmahon dosen't want you to see..." "And speaking of huge sums of money, I give you this Sailor Moon fanfic whose title is no doubt going to get the author *sued* for huge sums of money. It's called Love Potion Number Nine and it's written by the latest fanfic author Sailor Love. Send them the hurt, Frank." "The dish washing liquid Vince Mcmahon dosen't want you to see... the toilet paper dosen't want you to see..." Seeing as how his assistant was busy droning on, Dr. Forrester pushed the button to send up the fanfic. SATELITE OF LOVE "Hey, this is pretty good," Crow commented as he tasted a mouthful of the jello. "But where did you get chocolate flavored jello?" The lights started to flash and the sirens sounded, throwing everyone into a panic. "We'll talk about that later, right now we've got fanfic sign!" Joel yelled as he and the bots ran around crazily for a few seconds before running into the theater. "I'll try and get back power!" Gypsy yelled after them. [DOOR SEQUENCE... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] [Joel walks in first with Tom in his arms and sets the robot down in the third seat while he sits down in the second. Crow follows and sits in the first.] >Helo, first i would like to inrtoduce my self. TOM: I'm Bond... James Bond. >My name is Sailor Lve. At least that is my alias. This is my first lemon so please go easy on >me. it very good i promise. JOEL: Ah, I see Sailor Love is secretly Shampoo. > > Lve Potion #9 > Prt 1 > > King Damand sat on his throne CROW: I've been waiting for this all day... ahhh... >on the negaverse scowling into his wine gobblett. JOEL: Someone replaced his wine with fruit juice. >Those pesky sailors had beaten him again, TOM: Don't take it so bad, the US Navy is tough! >they were so annoying. CROW: With their purple suits and grating song... JOEL: Crow, you're thinking of Barney. CROW: Oh... >he wanted sailor moon also, JOEL: He needed *someone* to fill in the maid position. >so bad, she was so pretty with the golden hair and red meatball things TOM: Damn, I'm so hungry I'm thinking about spagetthi again! >and blue eyes as blue as the sky above nemises. he drank his wine CROW: Belched, scratched himself, watched wrestling... JOEL: Just another lazy Friday night. >and smashed the gobblett onto the floor. Black lady glared at him. JOEL: That was my special edition Elvis collector's gobblet! > 'i have to clean that up you know!' she sad. CROW: She just realized she's working for minimum wage. >Damand shrugged and ran a hadn throuh his blueish hair. TOM: Why is it coming out in huge chunks? > ' send in emeraldas!' he sad. JOEL: *CRASH* CROW: The person, not the ship!!! >Black lady obeyed with a tiny little bow. TOM: ... and arrow, which she promptly shot through his chest, the end. JOEL: No, we're not done yet. TOM: Aww... >someday she would hurt him. CROW: Through a complex series of campaigning aids weakening his stand on the economy. >Emerald bowed down at his feet and kissed his shous. JOEL: And forever regretted the fact they had a dog. > ' yes my lord? master of my soul? signer of my paychecks?' > ' go get me a way to make sailor moon fall in lve with me.' TOM: And for gods sake, don't put spanish fly in her chocolate sundae again! >Emrald stared up at him, hurt in her green eyes. > ' i thought you lved me!' CROW: Yeah, as a servent. > ' i do, i lve you like a servant! now go.' JOEL: Good call, Crow. CROW: Thanks. > ' no.' > ' wat?' > ' no! TOM: Do you have a hearing problem? Geez! >not unitl you make passionate lve to me.' Damand sighed. he decided he wod. JOEL: The shame and guilt would haunt him forever. >after all, she had the biggest vw bugs this side of nemses. CROW: They were so big she could stuff more then ONE person into them! >he like squeexing them and making honking noses. JOEL: Course she slapped him for honking her horn then ran him over. >he made lve to her. at the same time Malachete was watching with envy. TOM Envy was late cause she had to get the camera. >King Damand was his! CROW: He had the reciept. >how dare that little slut steal his 1st lve! JOEL: He hated it when he had stolen his hair dryer and shampoo, but this was the last straw! TOM: Of course, Zoicite wasn't too happy at being dumped. >Allan patted his frend on the shoulder. TOM: Have you been using Head and shoulders? You barely have any dandruff. > ' don't worry, there is always me.' > ' wat about Ann?' > ' she is shopping with jadite, nephrite and zoy. they will not be back for a while.' JOEL: And if the bomb goes off as planned then they won't be back FOREVER!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! > ' that's right i hope zoy bot me that piggy bank i wanted.' >the two went off into the sectons of the castle. CROW: I am so lost... > >***** >Emerald was walking down tokyo. ALL: Singing do a ditty ditty dum ditty doo... >she was looking for a place where they selled lve potions. she spotted a place calls Lve Potions >inside! Emerald payed the taxi driver and stepped out of the moving vheicle. CROW: The hell, this is monopoly money! Get back here! >she was so hapy Damand made lve to her that she was going to make sure he had the time of his >life with serentiy. TOM: That's the way to get your man, give him another woman! JOEL: That's the way to go, Rini, be nice to your boyfriend's girlfriend! >then she would kill the little blond witch. CROW: I'll get you my pretty! You and your little Damando too! EHEHHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!! > when inside she saw all sorts of bottles. big, little, sqare,holed. TOM: Non holed bottles, for your decorative uses! JOEL: The story that blatantly plugs useless things! >she couldn't decide. she picked up a big one andbegan to walk out. CROW: Hmm, this stuff labelled 'Arsenic' sounds interesting. >the guy stopped her and told her to pay for the perfume. JOEL: Fifty bucks for a bottle of "Ode to La Skunk"?! >Emerald smiled and tooked off her dress. the guy screamed and passes out. TOM: I'd scream and pass out too if I found out Emeraldas had testicles. >Emerald, mad, went outsied and went up to the negaverse. JOEL: Tenth floor: groceries, computers, Negaverse... >there she sprayed some on the sleeping Damand CROW: Ain't that always like da' man? Always sleeping on the job! Get it? Da' man? Damand? Get it? >and smiled, maybe he would make lve to her again. TOM: Of course, she'd have to shell out more money this time. >she tied him to the bed and giggled. this wod be very fun. JOEL: Fun as in "Screaming-for-your-freedom" kind of fun. >**** CROW: Ah, four gems for power. JOEL: Ohh... REAL obscure, Crow. >' in the name of sailor moon....' sad Usagi TOM: I'd be sad too if I was stuck with the same opening line show after show. >'mars' sad Raye. >'jupiter,' sad Lita >' venus,' sad Mina. JOEL: Uh, guys? Should we be saying this BEFORE we transform? >there was no word from amy. they all looked back. amy was making out with sailor uranus and >neptune. CROW: Let me show you how you REALLY use the transformation pens. TOM: It's always the quiet ones... >' amy!' serena sad, ' pay attention!' >' sorry, were was we?' JOEL: 'We' apparently need to be back in english class. >' in the name of,' >' oh, in the name of mercury,' sad amy. TOM: I'd be sad too if I had to back out of a threesome with Uranus and Neptune. >' in the name of saturn,' sad emily. ( i don't know there reall names so i'm making them up :)) CROW: Don't worry about it, our MSTier does it all the time. JOLT: HEY!!! JOEL: Fourth wall?! We don't need no stinking fourth wall! TOM: [begins coughing on the dust from the broken fourth wall] >' in the name of uranus,' sad Susie. TOM: Your anus? Why certainly! [A globe of glowing orange energy hits Tom.] TOM: AIEE!!! JOEL: Haruka REALLY hates the joke. >' in the name of mine!' sad sailor neptune. the scouts giggled. JOEL: God that was so lame! >' guys,' sad Juniper. CROW: They're guys?! Ugh... JOEL: I don't think she meant that... >' sorru, in the name of neptune,' Christy sad. TOM: [smoking slightly] How'd they get a fuku onto a cadillac? JOEL: For anyone willing to guess this reference, please e-mail your answer to xwing@uniserve.com. >' and pluto!' sad Tina. ALL: Oh Tina you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Tina! *clapclapclap* Hey Tina! *clapclapclap* >' and star maker,' sad Tomas >' star healer,' sad George (he's so cute!) JOEL: Who? George of the Jungle or George Clooney? CROW: Hard to picture Star Healer swinging along on a vine, is it? >' star fighter,' sad John. >' and finally in the name of lve!' sad Juniper. The new scout. JOEL: First of the Forest Scouts! TOM: Sailor Spruce and Sailor Pine couldn't make it. They're busy fighting in Canada. >she was the ruler of the all moon kingdom and the other planets in the milky way. CROW: She bought the title from Serena for a bean filled donut. >she was even more powerful then serena and was the true lve of Damand. TOM: Not for long! JOEL: He isn't going to be da'man anymore when she finds out who he's been sleeping with. >Even though he did not know it yet. >' we'll punnish you!' they all sad together and posed. CROW: Stomach out, butts jutted forward, chests sucked in... >the monster shot energy at sailor moon. she screamed and dodged. sailor lve ran up and >protected her. then she glared at the monster. > ' you are so beutiful sailor lve.' sad a familar voice. JOEL: You are so beautiful... to me! >they looked and saw Darain in his tuxedo costume. serena began to cry. > ' i thought you lved me! all those times we made lve.' > ' i made lve with everybody serena,' TOM: Helllooo Scouts! CROW: Big Pumpa Tux in the house!!! >Susie, Tina, Amy and John giggled. Tuxedo mask bowed to them JOEL: *rip* Pity he was wearing the Tuxedo he wore for graduation. >and kissed salior lve on the lips, then Susie, Tina, Amy and John. CROW: Especially John! TOM: Of course, Star Fighter hadn't even transformed yet. >he tried to pinch George on the way out but the star slipped out of his hold like a fish. > ' don't worry,' Juniper said, ' he lvs you. he's just confused.' > ' your so beautiful,' > ' i know. but your pretty to!' > ' ok, i'm better now. lets beet this monster!' JOEL: Okay, now *I'm* confused. Who's talking here? >' moon tiara majic!' >' jupiter thunder blast.' >' venus crescent v blast' >' murcury bubbles blast.' >' mars fire ignite!' TOM: Love Potion # 9, the fanfic the blatantly ignores the use of caplocks for Senshi attacks! >( again i'm making up the attacks for the outers) >' saturn happy sugar blast!' CROW: Death and Destruction coming your way, WAI!!! >' uranus pretty kitty blast.' JOEL: Luna and arttemis were killed on impact and Haruka charged with first degree murder. In a moment, the results of this trial. >' neptune water blast.' CROW: Now really, is a Scout with a super soaker all that threatening? >' pluto key blast.' TOM: I think Tina's getting desperate. She just threw her house keys at the monster. >' star gentel uterus!' >' star blazing inferno.' >' star i need to call my lawyer!' >' star fighter!' they scramed. JOEL: Out of this fanfic... CROW: And there was much rejoicing. ALL: Yay. >' ha ha ha. just kidding, star fighing lights.' >' lve conquors all!' sailor lve lifted her septer with the heart on the end and touched the >monesters forehead. CROW: The monster's been officially bopped. >he crumbled into dust. Then the scouts starred at the burning house. TOM: Whoops, I missed. My bad! >' perfect! Perfect! Burn the place! Burn everything we own! JOEL: Guest apparence by Butthead. >Have us sleeping in the feild like cattle!" > " You thought you could have it all." ALL: But you can't have it! it's in your face but you can't grab it! > " Oh, shut up Louis." CROW: I guess Louis and Bram won't be singing with that elephant anymore. >------------ JOEL: What's that say, Tom? TOM: It's morse code for... 'bite me.' HEY! >complete change in 5, 4, 3,2, 1.... ALL: Who's that coming, from somewhere up in the sky? CROW: Free cookie for anyone who gets this reference. >Thank you for flying Insanity airways. TOM: A.K.A. Northwest. >If you will kindly remain seated until the plane has come to a dead run. >------------- > > Diamond felt somewhat, well, violated. He opened his eyes and wondered what could be >giving him this feeling. JOEL: Could it be that muffler shoved up my butt? Nah... >His purple eyes flicked about his chambers. CROW: Ohh, neat party trick. TOM: DOH! His eyes just landed in the fireplace! >Same lush bed, same roaring fireplace. Same Madonna calendar hanging from the wall. JOEL: Same Liza Minelli CD playing in the stereo... >Diamond frowned as he remembered something, TOM: Breathing, yes! That's what one does to to keep living! >that calendar had come with a pointy cup bra type thing. He hadn't been planning to wear it >himself, CROW: Especially when he discovered it didn't make for a good sports cup. >not often anyway, but it had turned up missing just two days ago, he wondered what had happened >to it. > He thought and thought, JOEL: Smoke poured out of his ears and his few remaining brain cells burned out... >then remembered, TOM: Damn, I gotta pick the kids up from school. And the wife wanted me to go get some groceries from the corner store. >he had put it in his Sailor Moon lunch box. CROW: Shameless product plug number one. >The prince spotted the box on a high shelf. He sat up to get it, no matter how hard he tried, >he couldn't reach up that far. JOEL: It probably has something to do with being tied down and stuff... just a guest. >Then he saw the golden ropes tying him to the bed. TOM: Good guess, Joel. JOEL: It's a gift. >Oh, that would explain a lot. > Diamond struggled against his bonds. CROW: Which one? Roger Moore, Sean Connery, or > "Don't worry, love, you won't be able to get out of it anytime soon," a sultry voice >whispered in his ear. It was followed by a ear splitting, annoying laugh. JOEL: Naga, no!!! >Diamond turned his head TOM: Three hundred sixty degress... >to see Emerald lying next to him. About two pounds of her plastic surgery induced chest >sprawled across the pillow. CROW: More like spilled... ALL: Eww... >He was staring at her, eyes wide. JOEL: *pop* Whoops, too wide. They just fell out of his head. >She had never been this, well, bold before. TOM: Sure she had jumped him that time he was in the can, but *this*... >"I brought you a love potion perfume," she said, "Serenity should fall in love with you the >instant she sees you." Diamond was still staring at her as if she'd grown horns. Emerald giggled and ran her fingers >down the prince's bare chest. CROW: Hey Diamond, I didn't know you had a third nipple. > The realization that they were both naked sent a rush of adrenaline through his body. ALL: EXTREME adrenaline!!! >His pupils dilated CROW: Diluded? JOEL: No, dialated. CROW: Ohh... >and his tongue snaked out TOM: The Anaconda strikes when sensing prey... >to lick suddenly dry lips. Then he began to scream and writhe, trying to break through the >ropes. TOM: Maybe I should try blasting the ropes... naw! > "SOMEBODY GET ME OUTTA HERE!" he screamed. The ropes snapped free and he dashed out the >room. ALL: Dashing out the room, with a horny woman in trail, through the castle he goes, hearing Emerald wail! >He ran back in a second later, JOEL: Forgot my underwear... >making Emerald's face light with hope. It darkened when he grabbed his lunch box and ran out >again. Emerald growled. CROW: When facing down an Emerald, remain still and keep constant eye contact. > "I'm gonna get you Diamond-sama!" she giggled and rolled out of bed. TOM: AHH!!! *thud* >----- > Diamond looked through the halls panting. JOEL: Why can't I see anything? >Nope, no sign of her anywhere. CROW: He's not gonna get away that easily. Once Emerald's smell the scent of their prey, they'll track them down to the ends of the Earth. >He rested against the wall, wincing at the coldness of it against his bare skin. He needed >help, TOM: Luckily he had his cellphone on hand... and called... Rescue... nine... one, one... >but how could he face anybody in this....unclothed state? Then he got an idea. JOEL: It was the first in his life and a completely new concept to him. >He clicked open the lunchbox and pulled out the Madonna bra. CROW: Which one? Inquiring minds want to know! > It fit around his waist just perfectly. TOM: Course he had a bit of a problem clasping it in the back. >Diamond was so proud of himself. JOEL: Of course, he feels proud using the bathroom by himself. >--- >Sapphire was inspecting the gallery when an intriguing smell reached him. TOM: *sniff* Pickles and pepper, that is intriging. >It smelled faintly of...cloves and lilac. TOM: Doh... >He closed his eyes and inhaled. Delicious. CROW: Uh-oh... it took his friends five months to get him off the glue and now he's hooked on it again! >He wondered if Emerald was wearing new perfume. He followed the smell until he reached the >source then he opened his eyes. JOEL: Looking down, he discovered what that squishy feeling on his foot was. > Sapphire found himself looking into gorgeous purple eyes set like gems in a pale face >surrounded by a mane of white hair. The man was so beautiful and smelled....so good. TOM: That car freshner he has hung around his neck might have something to do with it. >He was saying something about Emerald trying to eat him. CROW: And then she got out the barbeque sauce and spices... >Sapphire grinned stupidly. > "What's wrong with you?" Diamond asked. JOEL: Sapphire just got a whiff of what the Diamond is cooking. > "You're so beautiful!" Sapphire said, " I must make you mine! ALL MINE!! >KYAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" Diamond shrieked rather girlishly and began to run away. JOEL: Mitsurigi Hanagata IS Diamond IN Sailor Moon R! > "Come back here my darling! I know your playing hard to get!" TOM: That gun you just fired repeatedly at my chest just means you want to play! >------- > Darien was having those dreams about Serena again. CROW: The one of them on the bed with the sticks of butter. >If only he could forget them, maybe the two could lead semi normal lives. TOM: Normal being a relative term here. >Yeah, as the future king and queen. He rested his chin on his knuckles and gazed at the >fountain. Water leapt from the cherub at the top and fell into the basin below in a >glittering arch. JOEL: Scenery! Buy some for your fanfic today! >Suddenly Darien smelled... CROW: *whew* Did he ever! Take a bath, man! There are women and children nearby! >lilac...or was that cloves? He couldn't tell. Maybe it was Serena's new perfume. > He smiled, such a beautiful, dainty, feminine scent. A man wearing something that >appeared to be a bra strapped around his waist ran up to him. TOM: Oh! I know this joke! So the man runs up to the other with a bra around his waist and the other man asks why he's wearing it. The first man replied "Because I can barely contain myself!" HAH! Get it? Contain? Bra? Laugh? Hah hah? *sob* Please? CROW: That really sucked. JOEL: There there... there there... > "Please! Kill me! Do anything, just....stop him!" Darien nodded vaguely JOEL: Flowers are pretty... >as the man gestured over his shoulder at something. ALL: AVALANCHE! RUN!!! >Darien's face split into a smile, TOM: Rending flesh and breaking bone... CROW: Oh, gods that's gotta hurt. >the light sheen of sweat on the white haired man's brow made Darien fall in love with him >instantly. CROW: Well, he does have a bigger chest then Serena. JOEL: Diamond and Darien moved to a deserted island where they had several children, the end. > "Tee hee!" the future king of the solar system said, "Come here my wittle pumkin!" TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, Darien has just turned into Azusa. JOEL: Charloette! Charloette! > Diamond screamed and took off again. CROW: Man, look at the air he's getting! TOM: Michael Jordan, eat your heart out. >----- [Everyone coughs and Joel waves his hands through the air.] TOM: Did he have to kick up so much dust? *cough* > Artemis was talking to the two Starlights now in male form. It was imperative that >they listen. JOEL: Now when Galaxia attacks, you just sit there and do nothing while the Inner Senshi die horrible deaths... got it? >The information could mean life or death. TOM: War or Peace! Stuffings or potatoes! >He wished Yaten would stop fooling around. CROW: Sooner or later all of those past boyfriends would come back to haunt him. >The shortest one was behind his taller companions and was tying their hair together. JOEL: Now you two are inseperable! ^_^ TOM: Tell me again why we just didn't go to a hairdressor? CROW: This was cheaper? > "Do you smell," Yaten said suddenly. CROW: No! I'll have you know I shower everyday! > "Lilacs?" they all said at the same time. Just then Prince Diamond crashed through >the wall followed closely by a drooling Sapphire and a giggling Darien. TOM: Ah man, she left a trail! JOEL: Nothing says lovin' like a coat of slavia everywhere. > "OOoohh! Don't leave me! My darling human!" Artemis said, running after the frightened >Diamond. CROW: Wow, Artemis chasing after Diamond. Who would have guessed? TOM: Well it was either him or Oscar. > "Wait for us hunny bunny!" the Starlights cried. ALL: Yummy, yummy, yummy, they got love in their tummy and they're gonna share it with Diamond!!! > "Aaargh!" Diamond screamed. JOEL: Oh the pain! The pain! > " I'm not married....yet!" Sapphire cooed. >---- > President Clinton was having his ana.... ALL: AHHH!!! >er....annual meet the press thing. It was so boring. ALL: TOM: I hope for today to be a peaceful gathering without bloodshed. End transmission. > "and I think CROW: You do? >that with a new bre...er....budget plan we could be a but...er better nation. >All we have to do is squeeze every cent out and soon money will come gushing in a wide river. JOEL: I certainly smell something that's gushing out in a wide river. >Any questions ladies? I do take them privately....is that lilac I smell?" > "HEEEEEEEEEEEELLllllllllllp meeeeeee!" Diamond screamed. > "I love you big brother!" CROW: He knows you love him, but that bulge in your pants just has him running scared. > "Tee hee! We're destined." TOM: So were Romeo and Juliet... > "I never loved Oscar!" JOEL: It was a short affair, and it ended bitterly... CROW: He kept on coughing up hairballs and blaming them on me! > "I'll never turn into a female again!" CROW: Considering how long it took for him to stem the flow of blood last time. > "Ooooh! Cheesy Poofs!" Suddenly there came a new voice. > "Want me to show you some nice cigars????" JOEL: And here's the traditional Bill Clinton/cigar joke for the day, folks! Have a good evening! Enjoy the buffet! >------ > Diamond woke up in a sweat. TOM: -sock. He didn't know whose it was but at least he hadn't woke up in a jock strap like the last time. >He looked around, no cords holding him, no bra around his middle. CROW: Exotic dancer on his dresser drawer... TOM: Charizard in his closet... JOEL: Mark IV Photon Accelerator by his bed... >Just his room. JOEL: He reconized the pile of bodies in the corner. >He lay back down and calmed his breathing. CROW: Injecting it with fifty CC's of morphine. >That was it. TOM: What was it? The end of the story? JOEL: No, we've still got some left. >That was the last time he ate anchovy pizza with extra cheese before he went to bed. JOEL: Of course it would have helped had he scrapped that green stuff off the toppings. >He spotted a perfume bottle and almost screamed, then he realized that it was just his >cologne. His normal cologne. > His skilled eyes caught a shadow in the room. CROW: How skilled were they? They had a degree in microeconomis! OH!!! JOEL: *rimshot* >It was more solid then the others. TOM: *poke* *poke* Hey, it is fairly solid. > "Who are you and what are you doing in my room?" Whoever it was came and sat on the >edge of his bed. JOEL: Hey, is this a postierpegic? > "Hmmm, the wine has no taste for you any more does it? CROW: No, not since his mom and dad chopped his tongue off. TOM: Ohh.. vague... >The food sickens you...and there seems, no reason for any of it." JOEL: Whoa, look out guys, we've stumbled into a Jenny Craig meeting. >The voice had a slight French accent and it was obviously male. TOM: *gasp* It's Jean Claude! Mustery man of the International Coffee commercials! CROW: Shameless product plug... >Before Diamond could speak, the voice continued. JOEL: Magic voice? MAGIC VOICE: Yes? JOEL: Nothing, just checking. >"But what if I could give it back to you? CROW: It'll cost yah! I don't just GIVE these things back for free you know. >Pluck out the pain and give you a new life? One that you could never imagine?" > "No thank you." > "Oh well. You can't win them all." The man embraced Diamond in a crushing show of >strength JOEL: *SNAP* TOM: Could you recommend a good chiropractor after you're done? >and bit his neck. CROW: Yum! Taste like chicken! >When the man was dead, the vampire wiped his mouth. TOM: Ouch! Cut my hand on the fangs again... >He'd always liked the scent of lilac and cloves. ALL: DUN-DEN-DUN-DUH!!! >--------- > >This fic has been brought to you by Night~Mare. CROW: So we've lost two hours of our life because of a fanfic written by a crummy Marvel villian... gee, thanks. >Naoko Takeuchi owns any one SM related and Anne Rice JOEL: Oh, Anne Rice goes as a great side dish with chicken smothered in cream of mushroom soup with fresh mushrooms. >owns You-know-who.... > >Heh.... TOM: Wait until they get a load of me... >Until next time... JOEL: This is Bob Barker saying to make sure your pets are spayed and neutered. Good night! CROW: Well, that wasn't so bad after all. TOM: Yeah, we have worst. [Joel stands and picks up Tom then walks out, followed shortly by Crow.] [DOOR SEQUENCE... 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7...] Joel sat at the desk and was casually reading a newspaper, using the slowly dimming flashlight, when Tom, with a cologne bottle in his hands, snuck up behind him. Suddenly, the main lights came on and Tom, surprised, cried out and fell back, the bottle coming open and spilling all over him. "I got the power redirected!" Gypsy called out from down the hall. "Thanks Gypsy!" Joel replied, putting the flashlight down, then sniffed the air. "Huh? What smells like lilacs?" Turning around, he looked down at Tom, who was still dripping in cologne. "Hey Tom, what are you doing." Before the red robot could reply though, a herd of wilderbeasts came stampeding onto the bridge. Tom screamed in fright and ran off while Joel just watched, more then used to the strange sights of the SOL. In fact, he never even questioned where the wilderbeast came from, just accepted it. "Hey Tom, did yah get him with the stuff yet?" Crow asked as he walked onto the bridge, answering Joel's initial question of what Tom had been doing with the cologne in the first place. "Uh... hi Joel. Where's Tom?" Tom, hovering for his life, passed right in front of Cambot with the wilderbeast in hot pursuit. "That answer your question?" Joel said. The yellow light on the desk started to flash and Joel tapped it. "Hello sirs, we're still sane and kicking." And once more, Tom passed in front of Combot, the wilderbeast still hot on his tail. DEEP 13 "Drats!" Dr. Forrester cursed. "Well, there's always next time. Especially with the merchandise sold off and the electric bills paid for the next few years. Push the button, Frank..." "The toilet paper Vince Mcmahon dosen't want you to see... the stuffed bear Vince Mcmahon dosen't want you to see... the pokemon Vince Mcmahon dosen't want you to see..." Seeing as how Frank wasn't about to stop droning on, Dr. Forrester promptly knocked him out with the clown hammer and pushed the button. *BLIP!* \ / \ / \ / 0 / \ / \ / \ *FWOOOOOSSSSHHH!!!* ____________________________________________________________________________ Please send any C&C to: xwing@uniserve.com