[SCENE: A dimly lit room. All that can be seen is a large plush couch, a big screen TV and a VCR. Marta and Shion are sitting on the couch, leaning over and looking at something in their laps.] MARTA: ... and when I say huge, I mean huge! SHION : Really? MARTA: Oh yeah, each one is at least as thick as my thumb and over an inch long! SHION: That big? MARTA : Yup! [CUT TO: Ling Ling, who is standing behind the couch with a bright red face and a seriously angry expression] LING LING: What are you two talking about?!! MARTA : Bullets for an Earthshaker. See? SHION: Yes, Ling Ling, what *did* you think we were talking about? LING LING : Uh... I uh... never mind! [Enter Noriko] NORIKO: I don't believe it! I'm the *last* person here? LING LING : Oh these two had to play their stupid games. MARTA : Sorry, Ling Ling, we just got here early is all. NORIKO: Migraine here I come. LING LING : ... inch long and thumb thick ... MARTA: Well, they are. LING LING: And you have to tell everyone? MARTA: I was talking about pistol rounds, Ling Ling, remember? LING LING : Gahhh... NORIKO: Hmm... it looks like we have another piece of fan mail. It's from Jamie Jeans (xwing@perf.bc.ca), and he writes: Dear Ladies, SHION: I like him already. I am writing to you four to compliment you on such a good job of riffing those really bad BGC fan fics. It is a cold hard fact that fan fics based on other fan fics *with* self insertion is one of the worst kinds of fan fic found on the web. How you four survive reading them, I can only guess. Anyhow, I can't wait to read the next batch of fan fics that you four make fun of and I also can't wait to see if anything develops between Marta and Ling Ling. Just be careful with the Dominion lemon A night at the Station. I've heard that it is a really bad one. But before I end off, I would like to ask Noriko one question: Would you go out with me once you are done riffing the fan fics? I know this Sports Bar that serves a great Nacho platter. Yours Truly, Jamie Jeans P.S. Despite my name, I am a man, not a woman. People make this mistake whenever I talk on the web. ALL: MARTA: Well, I suppose he'll like Akane's Delirium then. LING LING: Why? MARTA: You *know* why! LING LING: Oh yeah... MARTA: So pay attention to my lines, Jamie! SHION: We're going to be watching a lemon? NORIKO: He wants to take me out on a date? SHION: A lemon? NORIKO: A date? MARTA: Wahoo! A Dominion lemon! Puma Sisters, here I come! LING LING: Down girl, if it was any good, we wouldn't have gotten stuck with it. NORIKO: A date? MARTA: Yeah, a date! And are you going to say yes? NORIKO: Well... SHION: You are? You're more desperate than I thought. NORIKO: Shut up! Dear Jamie Jeans, I humbly must decline your offer. Although I would love to experience this "Sports Bar" you refer to, I am bound by my agreement with "Drooling Fanboy Productions" to not fraternize with any clientele. I am truly sorry that I cannot accompany you. Sincerely, Noriko Kobayashi NORIKO : Mike! I wrote a reply! Are you going to hook me up with Largo or not! SHION: Largo? You want to go out with Largo? NORIKO: Well, a nice Largo. EVERYONE ELSE: LING LING : Why don't we start watching the film, all right? MARTA: Go for it! The Puma Sisters await! SHION: I'm getting a headache already... NORIKO: You aren't the only one. LING LING: A TYPICAL NIGHT AT THE STATION MiSTed by Michael Surbrook with Noriko Kobayashi, Ling Ling Li, Marta Nys and Shion Nys neko@estudios.com (Neko) ALL: Greetings. MARTA: Hi! I'd just like to point out that this is my first attempt at writing a lemon, NORIKO: We're doomed. LING LING: You always say that. so it probably doesn't make too much sense NORIKO: You were saying? LING LING: ... (Run while you still can!) SHION : Right, I'm outta here. MARTA : Not so fast. I've written it for a laugh as much as anything else LING LING: Well, at least he's honest. so it has remarkably little plot. NORIKO: Which means it's like most lemon stories in the world. MARTA: Or porno movies. If you like some story with your lemon then you're in the wrong place I'm afraid. LING LING : I'm afraid we don't have any story to go with your lemon. MARTA : Well, what do you have? LING LING : We have spam, spam, spam, spam, lemon and spam. MARTA: I guess I'll have some spam then. This is also my first attempt at posting a message to a newsgroup so I hope it makes it in one piece. Warning: The following fanfic is a lemon. NORIKO: Do not read under penalty of law. It involves various adult themes including, MARTA: The Puma Sisters! fantasy, MARTA: Same thing. masturbation LING LING: Uh oh... and the entire Bolivian navy on manoeuvres (it's true!) SHION: What the hell? Please don't read this if you are A) underage, SHION: Marta. MARTA: Shut up! B) easily offended, SHION: Noriko. NORIKO: Hah! or C) one of Shirow's lawyers. LING LING: C! C! C! MARTA: What *are* you doing! LING LING : heh... wrong MSTing. (You are entering the Hentai zone. Good luck!) NORIKO : A zone without known boundaries of good taste... ---------------------------------------- A typical night at the station. It was a cold night in Newport city, ALL: Brrrrr... massive amounts of toxic fog had enveloped the city ALL: Cough... cough... cough... and no one was outside. Knowing it would be a quiet night there was only a skeleton crew at Tank police headquarters and the few staff that were on night shift sat around drinking coffee and playing cards, except for one... NORIKO: Ohhh... they certainly wouldn't get away with that if *I* was running that station! Leona crept down the stations darkened corridors MARTA: Her pump shotgun gripped tightly in her hand. The demons may have gotten everyone else in the station, but she was damned if they were going to get her! LING LING: Marta, this is "Dominion" not "Doom". MARTA: So? as she made her way to the tank bays. NORIKO: Here Jonesie, Jonesie, Jonesie... Where did that stupid cat go? SHION: Ohh... that's mean and obscure. NORIKO: Thanks. She knew that at this time of night no one would be down here. She entered the vehicle bay that Bonaparte was sat in and carefully made her way over to the tank. "Hello baby" she whispered as she ran her hands down the sides of the hull. MARTA : You're so *big* and *hard*. SHION: You are *not* helping. "I've been waiting for this all day." LING LING: For what? She's practially glued to that tank as it is. she murmured as she pressed herself against the mini tank. She ground her crotch against the hull and sighed as she NORIKO: Uh... SHION: What can I say? Leona has issues... felt herself beginning to get wet. NORIKO: Anime lemon cliche number 1. SHION: And that is? LING LING: All women flow like a ruptured water main. She checked to make sure no one was around and then climbed into the tank, sealing the hatch as she did. Once inside she moved down to the drivers seat and began to unbutton her shirt. She could feel her fingers trembling with excitement and her panties sticking to her, no matter how many times she did this she never tired of it. MARTA: What? Feel herself up? SHION: Marta! MARTA: Oh, like you three haven't done it? EVERYONE ELSE : Uhh... err... uhmm... MARTA: I thought so. Alone in his apartment Al was climbing into bed, LING LING : Stood up by a damn tank again... despite it being so late he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. He'd been patrolling with Leona all evening NORIKO: In other words, engaging in reckless disregard of human life, violating everyone's civil rights and wrecking more buildings that you can count. LING LING: If you don't like the Tank Police, just say so. NORIKO: Are you kiddding? I'm an A.M.P. officer, I wreck more stuff in a day than the Tank Cops do all week. LING LING: ... and the thought of her had given him a raging hard on. ALL: SHION: Must be a guy thing. MARTA: I have this mental image of a raging hard on yelling; 'I want woman and I want it now!'. ALL: SHION : You would. Although she probably didn't realise it, he knew how excited riding around in Bonaparte got her. Sitting in the drivers seat with the back of his head only inches from her open legs he found it difficult to concentrate on the road, images of her lithe, young body writhing under his kept appearing in front of his eyes. LING LING: Speaking of people with issues... MARTA: Yeah, when is Al going wise up and score with one of the other female officers at the station? I mean there's that blond babe from the original series that was drooling all over him. LING LING: Like I said, Al has issues. It had got to the point now where he would deliberately drive Bonaparte over the roughest ground he could so that the jolting of the tracks and vibrations of the engine would cause Leona to become excited. SHION : Oohhh... how romantic! He didn't know how he controlled himself when the smell of her love juices filled the tiny tank, NORIKO: Well, that's why you're issued a filter mask, you idiot! he had developed a backache from having to sit awkwardly in order to hide the massive erections that she kept causing him. MARTA : So Al, is that a massive erection, or is that the 75mm APFSDS round I asked for? NORIKO : Where do you come *up* with this stuff? Stripping herself completely Leona inhaled deeply as the smell of her musk mixed with Bonaparte's oil caused her to become even more excited. LING LING: Great, Leona's going to get stoned off of motor oil. Her hands moved to her sensitive breasts and she began to MARTA: Anime cliche number 2; all women have sensitive breasts. NORIKO: And they are all impossibly stacked. SHION: I wouldn't go that far. LING LING: Yeah, it depends on the artist. stroke them and to play with her stiffening nipples. MARTA: And anime cliche number 3; all anime woman have really large nipples. LING LING: Well... like I said that depends on the artist. SHION: Yes, and the worst one of the lot is Satoshi Urushihara. MARTA: Hey! I like his artwork. NORIKO: Gee... I wonder why. She knew how the shape of them through her tight fitting tops excited Al and the thought turned her on. NORIKO: I've read "Dominion" and I'd want to point out... uh... uh... MARTA: Point out what? NORIKO : Uh... nothing. "Well, he'll have to wait" she thought, LING LING: Tease. she already had the perfect lover. SHION: Antonio Banderas? MARTA: Hers, not yours. Although technically still a virgin, LING LING: 'Technically'? Who can you be technically a virgin? MARTA: Yeah, that's sort of like being technically dead. she had long since given herself to Bonaparte and wasn't ready to give him up yet. As she became wetter she slid her hands down her body to her groin. Whilst one hand began to stroke the area around her clit she gently eased a finger from the other into her tight pussy. SHION: Anime lemon cliche number 4. MARTA: No commento. Arching her back she pushed her finger in and out of herself, MARTA: Hmm... dipstick shows I'm a quart low. SHION: Something tells me I should slap you for that. she was almost ready. Sitting up she reached into her discarded shirt's pocket and pulled out a bottle of body oil, she smiled in anticipation as she poured some into her hand. "Lets get you ready shall we?" she murmured to the tank. LING LING: Pardon? NORIKO: Get the tank ready for what? SHION: I shudder to think. Reaching forward she spread the oil over the biggest of the tanks control levers and then, SHION: She isn't... is she? NORIKO: N-n-no... LING LING: This hurts just thinking about it. MARTA: Cowards. panting with excitement, SHION : I'm about to cause irreparable harm to my body! This makes me *so* hot! she turned around in the small cockpit MARTA : So to speak. and presented her rear to the control panel. LING LING: Ahh... no, too easy. Spreading her legs and leaning down Leona felt the head of lever come to rest against her dripping pussy lips. ALL: NORIKO: Does the term 'internal rupture' mean anything to you? Moaning loudly she pushed down and felt the shaft begin to slide into her hole. ALL: NORIKO: That is so... wrong. LING LING: The word is 'painfull'. SHION : I think I'm going to be ill. MARTA: Even I've never done anything like that! With one hand supporting her the other again began to stroke around her clit. Feeling the first waves of orgasm approaching Leona pushed herself down and more of the lever slid smoothly MARTA : "First gear is all right! Second gear..." LING LING: Oh, stop it. into her, eventually she couldn't take anymore inside NORIKO: Well, that's a first, and anime woman who *can't* take it all. and began to push herself up and down, the walls of her pussy squeezing on the lever. As her finger gently brushed her clit she cried out her pleasure, she was almost there. MARTA I'm there! I'm there! LING LING: What's it like? MARTA: I... I don't know, I'm not there anymore. SHION: Ladies and gentlemen, the "Fritz the Cat" sketch. Laying naked on his bed Al reached over to the photo of Leona on the bedside table and picked it up. As he stared at it his other hand reached down and began to pull on his rigid shaft. LING LING: Lemon cliche number 5. NORIKO: Which is? LING LING: All anime men have a penis the size and thickness of your forearm. SHION: And it's never a penis, it's a 'shaft', 'tower', 'column' and so on. MARTA: Sounds like someone's been reading "Variations" again. He began to breathe heavily as he stared at the image, her cute face and her lithe body, wishing that the photo of her was nude. SHION: Get real, it's around 2020 in the Dominion universe, any decent photo manipulation program should be able to get you a nude Leona. MARTA: Yeah... but who'd want one? LING LING: You'll have to excuse her, she's been drooling over the Mai Shiranui shrine again. MARTA YEAH, BABY! As he pumped his hand his mind filled in the parts covered by clothes, he could practically see her glistening body laying spread open for him. Her small, firm breasts and her tight cunt, his hand began to speed up. NORIKO : That last sentence is missing something. SHION: Yeah, like a *verb*! Needing more stimulation to achieve release Leona pushed her body backwards and reached around behind her butt. Her hand found another of the control levers and angled it forwards, LING LING: Wait a minute... she moved her body until she felt the tip of the lever rub against her asshole. ALL: : Please... No... don't go there... I don't want to be reading this! Taking a deep breath she bore down and cried out as the cold steel of the shaft pushed deeply into her butt. SHION : That does it, I'm out of here. Anal intercourse is where I draw the line! MARTA : Sit down you coward. If we've gotta watch this, so do you. This always hurt her NORIKO: Then why do it? but she loved the feeling of giving every part of her body to Bonaparte. SHION: I see, Leona is a masochist then? MARTA: I always pegged her for a sadist. NORIKO: No, she is simply... a little... overzealous. LING LING: Little? As the pain and the pleasure mingled inside her she began to cry out louder LING LING : I would do anything for love! But I won't do that! MARTA: That's not what you told me. LING LING : Shut up, Marta! and louder as she impaled herself again and again onto the levers. NORIKO: Please don't say 'impale'. Finally her young body could take it no more and she arched her back and came, squirting her love juices onto Al's seat. SHION: Oh ick. And he's going to have to sit in that! Her loud cries echoing around the tank, Leona could do nothing except jerk her orgasm out. MARTA: Time for all of use to be tasteless. Ready? EVERYONE ELSE : Yes. ALL: Finally she relaxed and settled back, only to yell out as her weight pushed more of the shafts into her, her backside settling on the control panel as both levers disappeared completely into her shuddering body. ALL : Whoa... MARTA: Leona, I didn't know you had it in you! You go girl! NORIKO: *That* was uncalled for. Leona forced herself off of the levers with a squelching noise NORIKO : A visual image I can do without, thank you. and collapsed onto the drivers seat. Fighting the urge to sleep she knew LING LING: She was going to be in big trouble if someone held a suprise inspection? she had to get up and clean the evidence of her passion SHION: Yes, she left lipstick all over the gun barrel. but for know she was content to lounge there, basking in the glow of her orgasm. "Thank you lover" she murmured as she slowly caressed the tank's seat. "You were as wonderful as ever." MARTA: Oh yes, a tank is so *much* better than a real man. NORIKO: Like you would know. MARTA: I've had more men then you, little seaweed girl! NORIKO: SHION : She shoots! She scores! She smiled and drifted off to sleep. Needing his release Al stuffed his hand under his pillow and pulled out a pair of skimpy cotton panties. LING LING: What? He's Happosai now? He grinned as he remembered how he'd stolen them from Leona's flat MARTA: 'Flat'? What the hell is a 'flat'? LING LING: It's English for apartment, stupid. when he'd visited her there. He pressed them to his face and inhaled, LING LING: He *is* Happosai! even though they were washed he thought he could still smell her in them. MARTA: I'm not certain to be turned on or revolted. The image of them stretched tightly across her mound and ass sent him LING LING: Unconscious with a nosebleed. NORIKO: I'm afraid not. Shirow doesn't seem to use that trick. over the edge and he wrapped them around his cock and exploded into them, ALL: shooting out the come he'd been building up all day. NORIKO: That's 'cum'! MARTA: How the hell would *you* know? For a long time he just lay there, letting his breathing return to normal. Eventually he climbed under the sheets, kissed the photo and murmured "g'night Leona." LINGL ING: With out changing the sheets? Eyuck! He was asleep in seconds. For some reason he dreamt of the entire Bolivian navy on manoeuvres. (Ha ha, told you they were in here!) SHION: What the hell? LING LING: Does Bolivia even *have* a navy? ---------------------------------------- MARTA: Cut here. THE END (Congratulations, you made it!) NORIKO : Yeah, horay for us. Well, you survived your trip through the land of Hentai and back out SHION: Maybe. into normality, I'd just like to point out (again) that this is my first attempt at writing a fanfic, lemon or otherwise, so please be gentle with me. LING LING: Like you were gentle with Leona? If you have any thoughts on this story (even if it's "yuck") SHION: How about 'disgusting'? then please e-mail me and share them. ( neko@estudios.com ) I'd really like to know what people think of this and whether I should carry on writing lemons or go and hide under a rock somewhere. ALL: Hide! Hey, I promise I'll even read flames (although I can't garuntee I won't fall off my chair laughing at them.) NORIKO: Hmm... this C&C may be counter-productive then. If I do decide to write more lemons then I'm open to suggestions, if you've got any requests then let me know, no series or character is safe! Bwa ha ha ha! (although an original Ranma lemon might be kinda difficult.) LING LING: Do tell. About the only one who hasn't starred in a lemon is Colonge. MARTA: Oh, thank you for that nice mental image. I apologise for the armies of spelling mistakes that were battling it out with the hordes of grammatical errors that had invaded. Even the mighty spell checker failed to save the day. NORIKO: Well, at least he admits to using one. My thanks to Jeffrey Wong and all the other lemon writers on this newsgroup for inspiring me to have a go myself. (It's all their fault! Blame them!) ALL: We intend to! Vast helpings of thanks of course to Masamune Shirow for writing the best damn mangas in the land. NORIKO: Damn straight. MARTA: Suck up. (I would point out that all of the characters I've used in this fic are trademarked to him but its not as if anyone from Dark Horse or whoever is going to be reading this..... "So Smith, you had to take the story with you to the bathroom to make sure that it was in fact a breach of copyright....") LING LING: Either that or oil his baseball mit. MARTA: We all ready did that joke. And thanks to you for reading this far. (Unless you skipped straight to the end, in which case you missed the really exciting bit in the middle when the meaning of life was explained. Honest. Go and have a look if you don't believe me.) ALL: Unhunh... sure! Bye. =-) ALL: Sayonara!!! NORIKO: Well, that's out of the way, it's C&C time. Marta, since you're the lemon freak, you go first. MARTA: Oh, this is easy. No Puma Sisters! I mean who cares about Al whacking of in his room, or Leona getting it on with Bonaparte? If I'm going to read a Dominion lemon I want hot two-girl action with Anna and Uni! NORIKO : I knew we could count on you for the objective opinion. Ling Ling? LING LING: Oh... I guess I didn't like the masturbation scenes. I mean, it was Leona and a *tank*! That's not erotic, it's painful! NORIKO: Agreed. Shion? SHION: It was far too cliched. There was nothing erotic about it. You want to write an erotic Dominion story, do one about Leona and Al finally realizing that they love each other. There a similar ones about Keichii and Belldandy and Tenchi and Ayeka, so why not Leona and Al? MARTA: And what does Noriko say? NORIKO: I agree Shion and Ling Ling. It was heavily cliched in the treatment of the subject matter, and there was little erotic or romantic about the setting. I will admit it was the best written fanfic we've seen so far, but the execution is questionable. LING LING: So... what do we have to see next? SHION : Akane's Delirium Part Two. ALL: \ / \ / -- O -- FFIIIIISSHHHH / \ / \ SHION : So Ling Ling, was my sister right? LING LING: Aggghhhh! Shion Nys & Marta Nys (c) 1997 Michael Surbrook Noriko Kobayashi created by Jeff Mueller, used with permission. Ling Ling Li Copyright (c) 1987-97 by Yuzo Takada. This version was used without permission. MSTed by Michael Surbrook susano@access.digex.net Visit Surbrook's Stuff! A Hero System/Champions source (especially for anime and manga material) at http://www.access.digex.net/~susano/index.html I'd just like to point out that this is my first attempt at writing a lemon, so it probably doesn't make too much sense (Run while you still can!)