"The Satellite of 'Dite, the Fanfic of Riffing Other Fanfics" By: Jaimiel‚e Rocket and Maelstrom EMAIL: jaimielee_rocket@hotmail.com Disclaimer I: To whom this concerns, it belongs to you! Smut: Uh~ debated Violence: Hm~ debated Episode Twenty-one: Jesse, Warrior Princess, Kasey Has Been Taken Away, Haha! Cleo . . . and Cleo . . . is Hard to Write a Title for Since She Does Nothing!" Disclaimer II: Jessica and Cleo belong to me, Kasey belongs to Maelstrom and Angie belongs to She-wolf. Crow is part of MST3K, so he belongs to Best Brains, Inc. "Jesse, Warrior Princess" is owned by Shadowcat. Oh, and all the bad guys, Rob-tachi, sort of belong to me, the idea of them torturing us. But Professor Prime and so on ARE mine, so stay away!!!!! Rob, I suppose, would belong to himself, but that's confusing for me to figure out so let's just continue. A Big Thanks: Thank you, Shadowcat! I'm sorry it took so long to FINALLY get to it, but I did! I swore I would! Gwahahahaha! Now, let's see how long it will take me to DO it! ^^ NOTES: She has several fine fanfics found at her website whose link is found below the notes. Go read them all! I haven't, and I really should, but I'm just so lazy . . . I also wrote a J:WP episode, the *Missing Episode,* which can be found there as well, as well as some of my art for this series. I really like it, she should write more, but she's moved on to more serious works. *sigh* Dying is easy, comedy is hard . . . Shadowcat's Suite is located at: http://members.dencity.com/caferocket/scsuite.html Also, a great gal named Neo-Sailor Xena Rocket is such a fan of my work, she wrote a nice li'l theme song for the SoD! It's pretty nifty, and she made it so I can insert the names of the people who will be reviewing today. It's only for the episodes on the SoD, natch. This is the note she attached at the top, and the actual song will be at the beginning of the 'fic! "After reading the author's notes at the end of the fourth episode I came up with a little ditty that goes like this:" (The author notes from the old version of the MSTing, now they are removed.) I changed lines 3 and 4, since she wasn't sure it worked or not. And I do the Roll Call section, and I edited some mistakes without changing any wording! The rest is completely hers. ~*~*~*~*~*~ SINGER: In the not too distant past, 1186 B.C. Jessica and her little pals were sent into outer space . . . By an evil guy whose name was Rob A producer who likes to see a ratings throb So he threw in people from anime Shoved 'em in a spaceship and sent them on their way . . . ROB: I'll send them Team Rocket fanfics, The strangest I can find. LaLaLaLa They'll have to sit and watch them all and review what's on their minds. LaLaLaLa SINGER: Now keep in mind they can't control where the fanfic begins or ends. LaLaLaLa But they try to keep their sanity with the help of some of their friends . . . Reviewer Roll Call: Vegeta! (Just as long as it ain't a chick 'fic!) Marie-chan! (I'm a pretty robot!) Kasey! (I love Crow!) Crooooooow! (Help me!!!!) SINGER: If you're wondering how they got into space if they're in the past. Remember that it's just a fanfic and you should really just relax . . . FOR THE SATELLITE OF DITE SERIES!!!!!!! *Twang* ~*~*~*~*~*~ Sitting at the counter of Room 7 sat Kasey, Cleo, Crow, Marie-chan (the robot), Vegeta, Jessie, James and Karigari. The scientist was busy on designing something or other, and Kasey had her head in her arms, seemingly hiding. The others, however, were discussing . . . "The Fifth Dimension," James stated, shaking his head. "Do you get their songs? They're all so CRAZY!" Crow shrugged and said , "I don't think so. I think their songs are filled with symbolic meaning from their generation. Ride with me in my red balloon, you know." Everyone stared at him. He tried to explain. "Well, it's a beautiful red balloon!" They just continued to stare. "It means . . . oh, for God's sake, never mind." "What about that 'Aquarius' song?" Jessie asked. "That came from a play," Crow stated. "So . . ." Vegeta paused. "You're saying that it wasn't THEIR fault?" "Uhhhhh . . . yeah." "They chose it, they should get beaten for it!" Marie exclaimed. Crow sighed and said in a fond voice, "Whatever you say Marie-chan . . . beat up the Fifth Dimension, fine by me . . ." He leaned closer to her when all of a sudden his chair was knocked out from under him. "Nah-uh," Karigari tsked, shaking his head at the sulking golden 'bot, as he set his chair back. "I like the song . . ." James paused then sang loudly, "Someone left the cake out in the rain! And I just don't think I can make it! 'Coz it took so long to bake it! And I'll never find that recipe again!!!! OHHHHH NOOOOO--ERCH!" His singing came to an abrupt end as his chair was also removed from under him. "James, do that again, and you die!" Jessie warned, holding his chair over her head, ready to beat him with it. "Yes'm." "What's your favorite old song, Kureo-chan?" Marie asked the calico Captain. She sat up and began to meow out a classic song. Vegeta began to laugh coyly. "Hah ha! Of course! Rossini's 'Duet for Two Cats,' how quaint!" Cleo laid back down, purring. As James finally retrieved his chair from Jessie and sat down, Kasey lifted up her head and said, "They're coming to take me away." "Ah-ah," the others replied, looking at her. "Yes, they're coming to take me away." "Oh-oh." "They're coming to take me away to the happy home with flowers, tress, and chirping birds." Her voice began to get noticeable higher has she listed, a smile breaking on her face, "And basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're coming to take me away, hah-hah!" By that time she was on the floor, her voice remarkably high, as she laughed and laughed. Crow turned to Marie and was about to say something when Kasey suddenly grabbed him and yanked him to face her. "You know you laughed," she sang, "I heard you laughed! You laughed and laughed and then you left, but now you know I'm utterly . . . MAD. Hahahahaha!!!" Cleo let out a hiss and Jessie and James stood and stepped up behind Kasey. "Okay, Keishii-chan," James said slowly and in a kind voice, "I think you've been drinking too many lattés lately." "Who said anything about lattés?" she asked, eerily high-pitched. "I said they're coming to take me away!" In a fluid moment she got to her feet and began running away, laughing like a mad woman. "Get her!" Jessie shouted. She and James dashing after the Captain. There was a long silence at the counter until Marie asked, "Crow, did you really laugh?" His reply was, of course, derisive laughter. A shrill beeping noise began to go off and everyone in Room 7 turned to face the Comm Port. "I'll get it!!!" Kasey shouted, leaping over furniture and animals, and finally jumping off the Review Couch to hit the button above. She crashed to the ground and continued to giggle insanely. Rob appeared on the screen, clean and mud-free this time. Behind him were stalls full of merchandise and children running around screaming and laughing. Professor Prime and Persian could be seen trying to catch a goldfish. He ignored Kasey and said, "Hello, all my guinea Pikachus! Well, soon shall be when the Maiden shows up, and I'll be able to capture the talking Ghastly!" His face fell and he grumbled, "It had better not disappoint me like with Prime . . ." "What Boss?" the monkey, now dressed in a cute li'l kimono, asked. "Nothing, sweetheart!" Rob called back over his shoulder, to which everyone snickered at him, but fell silent as he looked back at them. "Now, to pass time, since I'm bored with playing trivial children's games . . ." He paused and added, "Well, since I have played all the children's games about ten times over, I shall send you a nice little piece of fanfiction literature called, 'Jesse: Warrior Princess.' Enjoy the hurt!" He went off screen to send them the 'fic. When he reappeared, he said, "Oh, I almost forgot, you're getting some new crew members after this, so be prepared to receive them! Tah-tah!" He closed the link. Kasey rolled up off the floor and muttered, "Now I'm just depressed." The fanfic sign began to go off and she called, "Vegeta! Crow! Marie! In the theater, now!" Grumbling and cursing her name, those three sulked off to the theater with Kasey following. ~*~*~*~*~*~ (all enter) MARIE: (whiny) Why'd you call ME in here? I've never done this before! KASEY: I told you, I went --raspy voice-- INSANE! MARIE: --whimper-- VEGETA: Aww, you're in your dubbed voice, you can badmouth then. CROW: I sit by Marie-chan!!! >Shadowcat's been a prolific little writer. CROW: She is also a writer that knows how to use a thesaurus. >If you didn't think she was strange before, you will now! VEGETA: If you didn't know her before, you will now! ALL: Uh-huh . . . >This is a weird little idea that I had to make into a story. KASEY: What if Carl was a superhero weasel? CROW: That's just what we need, a Johnny Bravo/Supermegatopia crossover. MARIE: (cheerful) The women on there have huge breasts! ALL: . . . VEGETA: I need to use the laptop when we're done! >I occasionally watch "Xena, Warrior Princess" but am not as avid a viewer of the series as I am >of "The X-Files". MARIE: Large breasts in both, too! KASEY: (mumbling) Gawd, our author is in a perverted mood . . . >You do not need to watch "Xena" in order to get this story. CROW: You need to inject it directly into your veins. >Most of the "Pokemon" characters' names I have left the same, though some I have altered to >sound more Ancient Greek-like. Even though I do not speak a word of Japanese, I have learned >the Japanese names of some of the "Pokemon" characters from stuff I've read on the 'net and >decided to use Ash's Japanese name "Satoshi" for his character because I liked the exotic way it >sounds. VEGETA: Y'know, Satoshi means "BIG FAT PUSS" in Japanese! OTHERS: Ahhh . . . > >Ever wonder what a story would be like if "Pokemon" was crossed with "Xena, Warrior >Princess"? CROW: No, but Jessica wanted to cross with something from both shows for quite a while! ALL: Oooooooooo~ >Read on and find out! VEGETA: And when panicking, remember to kill a cat and try not to cry TOO hard. > >COMPARISONS OF THE WARRIOR PRINCESSES KASEY: One, both have slept with "the Boss." MARIE: Jessie's gonna kill you for that one! > >XENA MARIE: The BUTCH one! > JESSE CROW: The BITCH one! >Wears a short skirt Wears a short skirt VEGETA: XENA: Doesn't wear a bra and uses duct tape. JESSIE: Doesn't wear a bra and uses duct tape. >Rides Argo-her palomino horse Rides Arbok-her giant purple cobra MARIE: No, but she did steal Bonapart once. KASEY: Gawd, that was one hell of a joyride. >Special Weapons: Sword, Whip Chakaram Special Weapons: Mallets and Fans CROW: Any connection? You decide. >Faithful Sidekick: The Bard, Gabrielle Faithful Sidekick: The Bard, James VEGETA: James often writes epics, I've seen 'em. They start out good enough, but then they're followed by 36 pages of the letter "T" where he fell asleep on the keyboard. >Former Boss: War God, Aries KASEY: The RAM? > Former Boss: War God, Giovannus MARIE: The CHATTY one. > >"JESSE, WARRIOR PRINCESS" > > In ancient times in Pokeworld, the gods were petty and cruel and a land in turmoil cried out >for a hero... CROW: (Alex) That was Chimpules! VEGETA: Yes, that leaves a nice image of the toilet scene in my mind. KASEY: Hercules *is* Kevin Sorbo *is* Hercules. > >Chapter 1- Jesse the Warrior Woman MARIE: She has to wait for the first Warrior Princess to die before she can take the title. > > "Arbok! Charge!" went the battle cry of a young woman astride an enormous >purple-scaled serpent. The beautiful and greatly feared Warlord Jesse was making a raid upon >the hapless village of Azure Town. CROW: No! Not Azure Town! They have the best azure in all of the town! >Jesse's great army poured into the hamlet to plunder everything in sight! VEGETA: (army) Uh, ma'am, we're stuck . . . KASEY: (Jessie) The hell? > Jesse was the strongest and most dedicated devotee of Ancient Pokeworld's god of war, >Giovannus. He sent his Head Warrior KASEY: The capital letters have certainly convinced me it's an important title. >out to strike terror into the countryside and to gather for him rare and powerful pokemon, with >which he planned to raise a mighty army to seize control of all the Ancient World. Giovannus' >armies were formidable, especially the one led by The Great Jesse, but Giovannus would require >both human armies AND a pokemon army to depose the other gods! MARIE: Oh, and he needed a flo-bee, don't forget that. KASEY: All this just to be sure he gets a copy of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire." > The warrior woman dressed rather oddly for someone who went into battle on a frequent >basis. Most warriors wore head-to-toe armor, Jesse had a penchant for short skirts and a >tight-fitting leather suit (like Xena's) VEGETA: (Jessie) Hey! Don't EVER mention that name in my presence or I'll give you such a pinch! >that bore a strange symbol on the chest. The symbol was similar to an Ancient Greek rho. CROW: (singing) Rho rho rho your boat! (stops singing) Eh? Eh? OTHERS: groan~ >It was said that the symbol was sacred to Giovannus. MARIE: Which makes sense, since he's the boss of Team Rocket--I mean . . . he's . . . I'm confused . . . > She also wore her bright magenta-red hair in a rather conspicuous manner, in a gigantic >spiral. CROW: Where'd they find a curler large enough?! >No one knew how she got it that way (especially since hairspray hadn't been invented yet) VEGETA: Maybe she used pig fat, or large quantities of gristle. >and no one dared to ask, for fear of being hit with one of the mighty Jesse's paper fans. KASEY: (Jessie) The great Jessie trade her top-dog secret beauty tips? NEVER! > Jesse relished her work. MARIE: Then she added some mustard and a bun and it tasted really good! OTHERS: Groan~ >Pillaging, watching villagers flee in terror before her and her Arbok, burning their homes, and >seizing their pokemon. All that changed, however, the day that Jesse took Azure Town. > The village lay in smoldering ruins when Jesse discovered the baby pikachu. It was very >young and very weak. VEGETA: STOMP HIM! CROW: (makes a squishing sound) MARIE: (tearfully) Oh my! KASEY: (mumbling) Wuss . . . >Jesse's Second-In-Command, Butchus, insisted that she kill it, for it was too weak to present as >an offering to Giovannus. > "No! I will not kill it! I will kill an armed man, but not something as weak and helpless as >this baby pikachu!" KASEY: (deadpan) Oh, how noble of her . . . > Butchus had been waiting for something like this to happen. He had been plotting for a >very long time to take over Jesse's army, and saw the issue of the pikachu as the perfect >opportunity. > "See men!" he hoarsely shouted to the army in his voice that sounded like fingernails on >slate; "She is a typical woman! WEAK! Depose her and elect me as your leader!" MARIE: (army) What? We don't understand a word you're saying! CROW: (a soldier) The horrible, horrible rasping! > To Jesse's surprise; her army followed Butchus and she found herself fleeing for her life >astride the swiftly slithering Arbok, CROW: (Jessie) Ow, my leg. Ow, my leg. Ow, my leg. >clutching her rescued pikachu! > >Chapter 2-The Mysterious Prophet VEGETA: (Gennai) Please remember to recycle. > > Jesse rode aimlessly for many days. MARIE: (Jessie) I wish I really was Xena, 'coz then I'd be able to make a compass, know more astronomy than the Muse Uaria, and invent CPR to use as a subtext tipper . . . >Her army had mutinied and even Giovannus had abandoned her! The pikachu was close to >death, for Jesse didn't quite know what to feed pikachus and the tiny yellow creature would not >eat any of the food that she gave it. It also refused to go into one of the mystic Orbs of Power CROW: Materia? VEGETA: A Spirit Bomb? KASEY: A snow globe? MARIE: A rubix cube? CROW: Uh . . . no, Marie-chan. Close, though . . . >that pokemon typically spent most of their time in. No one really knew where the silver and >ruby colored Orbs of Power had originally come from, but it was widely thought that they had >been gifts from the gods to humanity in order for people to use in taming pokemon. > "Charrboka!" Jesse's steed hissed, looking toward a hill with great stone spires. > "What is it, Arbok?" Jesse asked the huge cobra. CROW: Weren't you listening? He wants a char broiled boka. > A young man in orange robes carrying a stick was standing on the rocks. VEGETA: Salmoneus when he was younger. MARIE: Dammit, not another hippie. >He appeared to be a strange youth, with spiky dark-brown hair and dark lines were his eyes >should have been. KASEY: Oh no! A colorful Dementor! CROW: Stop reading Harry Potter! KASEY: (mumbling) Damn Muggles . . . > "Come, my child, do not be afraid;" VEGETA: Just because my commas have been replaced with semicolons. >the words of the youth rang inside Jesse's mind, seeming to travel on the wind from the great >distance between them. KASEY: (Jessie, nervous) Well . . . that's kinda creepy . . . > "I am called Brock of the Rocks;" MARIE: Oh! How cute! VEGETA: I'd like a whiskey on the rocks. >the robed figure said to Jesse when she approached his stony sanctuary. > "Come inside my cave." CROW: (Jessie, nervous) I dunno. A youth, living alone, no female companionship for gods no how long . . . >Brock led Jesse, who was carrying the pikachu but had put Arbok into an Orb of Power, KASEY: (Arbok) Noooo! It smells like spoiled bacon and hair gel in there! >into his humble abode. MARIE: (Jessie) Wow! Cool jacuzzi. . . . Mind if I skinny-dip? VEGETA: (Brock of the Rocks) Nnnnnnnnnnnnno! O' course not! > "It's so dark;" said Jesse; "why do you not have any torches?" CROW: (Brock of the Rocks) It's a joke I like to play on my hamster. It confuses the little bugger! > "I have no need of light;" the mysterious youth replied. > "So;" Jesse queried; "Does that mean...you're blind?!" VEGETA: (Brock of the Rocks) No, it means I have a flashlight up my nose. Whaddya think?!? > "Yes." > "Oh;" replied Jesse; "I-I'm so sorry." KASEY: (Jessie) I knew most men go blind because of my beauty, but I though it was just a figure of speech! > "Don't be;" said Brock; "I am a-prophet-of sorts. A Blind Seer. The gods took away my >eyes (giving me lines) MARIE: (Brock of the Rocks) . . . using 'Dite's eyeliner. KASEY: The patron goddess of our satellite is now pleased. ALL: Huzzah! >but gave me a Second Sight." CROW: (Jessie) Oh, so now you see everything in doubles? MARIE: (Brock of the Rocks) With no sight to ogle gals with, I just pretend to trip and grab thei--oops! There I go again! Hahahahaha! > Jesse took out her trusty flint VEGETA: (Jessie) Hello, trusty flint, thou saucy knave! What hast thou donest today? >and lit a small fire in the cave, for warmth as well as for light. Brock's cavern was dreadfully >chill. > "Can you help me?" Jesse asked; "I have with me an infant pikachu that's very sick." She >laid the small pokemon next to the fire. ALL: --FOOSH!-- > "Here;" Brock replied, pulling a small skin pouch from his orange robes; "Give this to it. I >can sense the creature's ills, KASEY: Yeah! Especially after she TOLD you that he was! ALL: --snicker-- >this will help it to recover." MARIE: (Brock of the Rocks) Or kill it, being blind I can't tell what pouch I just gave to you. > Jesse placed the contents of the pouch (a fine white powder) ALL: (sneaky laughs) CROW: That stuff will make ANYone feel good, man. >into the rodent's mouth. VEGETA: Then the Pikachu exploded in a brilliant flash of light. ALL: Oo, ah . . . Do it again! KASEY: That's what you get for feeding it pure sodium. MARIE: Imagine the mess. But being blind, Brock of the Rocks probably will never know! > "I sense great potential in you, Jesse, VEGETA: If someone with a raspy voice tells her he's her father, I'll kill things. >you are to become a great hero." > Jesse was about to ask Brock how he knew her name, but remembered that he was a >prophet. KASEY: (Jessie, dumb) Being a prophet he obviously looked in my wallet! >She went on to ask; "Great potential? My army has abandoned me. Hero? I beg to differ with >you, Sir Brock of the Rocks, but I have done much evil in my life. How could the Great >Warlord Jesse ever be anything but a villain?" CROW: (Brock of the Rocks) By eating the raw heart of a baby Pikachu. MARIE: Oooo, how ironic! > "There is good in you, Jesse;" Brock continued; VEGETA: (Brock of the Rocks) But with or without almonds, I can't tell. >"you just have to believe that it is there. You shall save all of Pokeworld from injustice, but first >you will need an assistant..." KASEY: (Brock of the Rocks) Now, I have three strawberry blondes in the back. You can have one if THE PRICE IS RIGHT! > >Chapter 3-The Rescue > > Jesse rode off on Arbok once again; MARIE: (Jessie) Ow, my leg. Ow, my leg. Ow, my leg. >leaving Brock of the Rocks with the pikachu, knowing that it would be in good care. CROW: (Brock of the Rocks) Yes! I'm gonna eat good tonight! >The first town that Jesse came to was a small municipality called Lavendea. VEGETA: (Jessie) The overwhelming lavender smell . . . it BURNS! > "Hey!" a voice from the street called to Jesse as she rode into the village; "You're not >riding that arbok properly!" KASEY: (Jessie) Tell me about it. Ow, my leg. Ow, my leg. Ow, my leg. > Another voice called; "Don't you know the penalty for not doing things properly around >here?!" MARIE: (person) You get a snooty French butler instead of the aloof British ones! > *What is with this town?* Jesse thought *Everyone seems to be obsessed with 'properness' CROW: (Jessie) Gasp! They use BUTTONS! >and they all have Southern accents-even though this is SUPPOSED to be the Ancient World >before there ever was a 'South'!* VEGETA: Ahhh, funny funny fanfic. > Suddenly, KASEY: I, the evil Mathemagician! CROW: Well, that's new. KASEY: I decided we needed a break from "As if in a flash!" >a young man with lavender-blue hair came running up to Jesse! MARIE: (man) Are you either Jerry or Laso? CROW: (Jessie) No. MARIE: (man) Oh, okay, bye! VEGETA: That was nice and vague. MARIE & CROW: Thanks! > "Quick!" he yelped; "You've got to hide me! I'm in terrible danger!" KASEY: ("man") I have a psychotic redhead after me and, omigods, it's you!!! ARGH! > Jesse lifted the rather well dressed teenager onto the back of Arbok and they sped to an >abandoned butcher-shop. MARIE & CROW: (Jessie and "man") Ow, my leg. Ow, my leg. Ow, my leg. > "Jessibelle the Enforcer was after me again!" the boy explained once he and Jesse had >found their refuge; "I was tryin' to run from her and she said that I wasn't doing it properly. The >penalty for not doing something 'properly' around here is a severe beating from Jessibelle's whip, >or prison. Since I'm the son of the town magistrates, I'm not lucky enough to get prison!" VEGETA: ("man") And I ALWAYS drop the soap in the shower! Do you know what they do to you in prison if you do that?! > "Oh, that's awful!" cried Jesse. KASEY: ("man") Well, I guess so, but you get used to it. > "It gets worse;" the young man sighed; "I am set to marry Jessibelle the Enforcer soon. My >parents want me to follow in their footsteps as a Town Magistrate and make people do things a >certain way- their way. All I want is to leave Lavendea to become a travelling bard! CROW: ("man") To jab my eyes out and call myself Homer. >I-I like to write poetry;" the boy blushed a little; MARIE: (Joe Leah) We interrupt this fanfic to share with you some of my saucy limericks . . . >"but my parents and Jessibelle will have nothing of it. I guess it's my destiny to be her husband >and to be tortured by her for the rest of my life." VEGETA: It's nice to have a dream. > "What is your name, young man?" Jesse asked. ALL: Go Quest, Young Ma-a-a-a-an! > "James" he replied. KASEY: (Jessie) Gasp! It's almost as Greek as MY name! > "Well, James, I'm Jesse the Warrior Princess, CROW: (James, annoying) Who's the Warrior Queen? If she dies, do you take the throne? >and I'm not going to let your family nor this 'Jessibelle the Enforcer' person push you around any >more!" MARIE: (Jessie) Join me, and instead get hit by paper fans and mallets! > "Really? How?" VEGETA: (Jessie) I dunno, I didn't think you'd agree! > "With this!" Jesse said, pulling out of nowhere the most fearsome of her weapons, a huge, >wooden mallet. > "Why, James! There you are!" said a young woman that bore an uncanny resemblance to >our Warrior Princess as she burst into the butcher-shop carrying a whip! > "AAAAAH! She's found me!" James squeaked. > Jesse the Warrior Princess sprang into action! KASEY: Woosh! Biff! >She and Jessibelle exchanged blows with whip and mallet. CROW: (Jessie) Wah! She's scary! Run away! Run away-ay-ay!!! >Their pokemon even battled each other; Jesse's Arbok against Jessibelle's Vileplume. When it >was all over, the vileplume was fainted and Jessibelle lay unconscious on the stone floor with >several large lumps on her head. MARIE: Her last words, of course, were, "You didn't KO me properly!" > Jesse the Warrior Princess left Lavendea with a new friend, James the Traveling Bard, by >her side. VEGETA: Now that Jessie's handled him, his mother won't accept him back. > >Chapter 4-Cassidyopea KASEY: Cassidy o' the Pea Patch. > > "Do you want to hear this new poem I've been working on?" the blue-haired Bard asked >the Warrior Princess as he walked beside her great purple serpent on the road to another village. ALL: No. >Jesse and James had been traveling together for months now, thwarting local tyrants and righting >wrongs. CROW: Singing songs . . . Being mighty all day long . . . That whole schtick. >Jesse did wonders in kicking warlord butt with her mallet, her assortment of paper fans, and her >skilled athletic moves. VEGETA: Gee, a woman in leather, short skirt and nearly busting out, flipping about . . . MARIE: Would kinda distract men, ne? VEGETA: Yesh, verily so. >James didn't do too bad himself with the staff that he carried and with his only pokemon, a pet >Wheezing. KASEY: (James) I call my staff a BOOMSTICK. Or the Megaweapon, I haven't decided. > He told Jesse that he had a growlithe back in Lavendea, but had opted to leave it there as it >was accustomed to the good life that the pet pokemon of town magistrates had and would never >become used to camping. > "Sure. Shoot!" Jesse replied. CROW: (James) Growly? Never!! KASEY: It sorta went off topic there, ne? > "It's kind of a Warriors' chant. VEGETA: (James) We chant it, do a little dance; we'll either scare the enemy off, or we'll turn into some kinda magical girl. MARIE: Ech, I can just see them turn into that awfully big busted fertility goddess whose alter-ego is a TEN YEAR-OLD GIRL. KASEY: Talk about your Japanese male fetishes going HORRIBLY wrong. >Something that we should maybe say whenever we enter a town, to announce who we are. >After all, we've become famous! Why not announce ourselves! >A-hem! CROW: (James) Try to dodge our bouncing blubber, Just don't hit our lips of rubber! >To protect the world from Devastation! >To free the peoples of every nation! VEGETA: Oh, so you'll let them scamper into the fields, joyful and free. >To defend the virtues of Truth and Love! >To extend our reach to the stars above!" KASEY: (James) You know, I tried to touch the sun once, went blind for a few days. > "So far I kind of like it! CROW: (Jessie) In that pukish, wanna burn it kinda way. >It needs a little more to it though." MARIE: (Jessie) Maybe a definite rhythm, a beat, and a snazzy five minute lyre solo. > "There is more. When we recite it, you say the first line, I say the second line, and you say >next line and so on. Then we each say our names. I was going to have a few more lines after >that, but I seem to be suffering from writer's block." VEGETA: Jessie is just looking at him, her mouth just gaping open. OTHERS: --snicker-- > Just then, a young girl with red-gold hair came running up the road! CROW: Running exclamation point action!!!! > "Quick! You have to help my village! Cassidyopea's army is destroying Cerulean Province! >You are the famed KASEY: (girl) . . . Jerry and Laso, right? VEGETA: Don't you think you're getting too vague? KASEY: Well, if I could remember that stupid Joxer 'fic I got it from, I'd tell you. >Warrior Princess, right? And the heroic Traveling Bard? Please help!" MARIE: Isn't "Traveling Bard" a nice nickname to have for a man? It's almost as manly as the heroic "Dish Washer," or the heroic "Ballet Dancer." > Jesse helped James and the young girl onto Arbok and they rode in haste to Cerulean >Province. MARIE, KASEY & CROW: (all three) Ow, my leg. Ow, my leg. Ow, my leg. >When they arrived, they saw villagers scrambling in sheer terror VEGETA: The KITTENS! They're attacking! ALL: (cutely) MEW! KASEY: Okay, who switched the real milk for soy milk? >as armed men upon rapidashes ransacked every thing! In the center of it all was a yellow haired >woman with a whip and a raticate, laughing maniacally while shouting orders to her men to >gather all the town's pokemon. CROW: ("woman") Go, go my minions! Steal all the honey seed bells and plastic tubes! > "I know her!" said Jesse; "That's Cassidyopea! She's the Head General of the tyrant king of >Ash Town, Satoshi the Fierce!" ALL: (suppressed laughter) > "How do we stop her?" asked James. > "How else?" spoke Jesse; "The same way we always do!" KASEY: (Jessie) Run away and pretend we didn't see anything! MARIE: (James) Works fer me! > Jesse and James leapt down from Arbok, leaving the girl with the red-gold hair upon her >back in safety, no one wants to mess with a giant cobra. VEGETA: Unless if it's a giant Riki-Tiki-Taki. KASEY: Or Riki-Tiki-Taco. VEGETA: Okay, who the hell has been reading too many online comics, now? KASEY: Not me! The author made me say it! >Jesse wielded her mallet with precision and grace, disabling most of the raiding warriors. CROW: She did this by playing a tough game of croquet, of course. >James knocked several others into La-la-land with his staff. Then the Warrior Princess found >herself face-to-face with Cassidyopea! KASEY: Face-to-face exclamation point action! > "The armies of Satoshi the Fierce will not be defeated by some woman with bad hair!" MARIE: A puss as big as Satoshi can only be beaten by an even bigger puss. >screamed Cassidyopea as she unleashed a pokemon from an Orb of Power. VEGETA: Oops, grabbed my marble by mistake. >It was an unusually large pikachu! CROW: It musta grown up around pesticides. >Before Jesse could do anything, the creature sent bolts of lightning everywhere! ALL: SUUURRRGE! >Cassidyopea then disappeared with what remained of her troops leaving Cerulean Province in >charred ruins and Jesse laying on the ground, looking dead! > James ran over to the fallen warrior woman and cradled her in his arms. Jesse's eyes began >to flutter open. She was alive! > >Chapter 5-Satoshi the Fierce ALL: (suppressed laughter) > In a dark castle in a place called Ash Town, a dark-haired young warrior-king mused upon >his throne. ALL: --flinch-- MARIE: Sure he's evil, but does he have to SPLAY like that?! >His Head General had just returned from her latest raid, bringing a variety of pokemon for him >to offer to the war god, Giovannus. VEGETA: Shadowcat's been taking spelling lessons from NyaseoftheRocketGang! Oh, no, wait, she was just making it more Greek- like, nevermind. >Satoshi the fierce had become Giovannus' favored as of late, replacing the once ruthless warrior >woman, Jesse, now turned "good". CROW: (Giovannus) Satoshi, I have a story to tell you. KASEY: (Satoshi) Is it a NAUGHTY story? > Cassidyopea had told him of running into the famed Warrior princess in Cerulean Province. >She assured Satoshi that he had nothing to worry about from her, that she had killed her with >one of the super- powered pikachus that he had given to every one of his Generals. MARIE: Now that's a sexual metaphor as any I'VE ever heard! KASEY: And that is? . . . MARIE: Uhhhh . . . none? KASEY: Uh-huh. >Of all the pokemon that his soldiers brought him, Satoshi was the most interested in pikachus. >He had acquired a magical stone that could increase their power ten-fold. > Satoshi was planning to eventually raise an evil pikachu army to fight alongside his >warriors. He was going to take over Ancient Pokeworld for the glory of himself and the war >god Giovannus. He had already begun gathering bands of warriors, bandits and other criminals, >offering them lavish pay, to form an unstoppable human army. He had even acquired The Great >Jesse's former troops, along with their delightfully wicked General, Butchus. VEGETA: *Delightfully* wicked? We all know what that means, don't we! OTHERS: Booya! >Chapter 6-Off to the Battle > > Jesse and James stayed in what was left of the house that the girl with the red-gold hair >lived in while Jesse recovered. CROW: (Jessie) Without a roof, it's kinda COLD. KASEY: (Mistique) Shut yer yap, who're YOU to complain, Miss Who-Didn't-Save-My-Town! >The girl was named Mistique and she raised water-pokemon. Cerulean Province was destroyed >and many of its citizens had been killed in the raid, including Misteque's mother, father, and >three sisters. MARIE: (Mistique) Ya know, you all STINK! Get out of this town that you DIDN'T save! > As an act of sympathy, James wrote a long, sad dirge about the destruction of the town. ALL: --groan-- VEGETA: It's called "Green Acres: The Cerulean Version." >He and Mistique tended Jesse's electrical burns. Jesse mourned her failure to save Cerulean >Province as she had so many other towns. She was as melancholy as poor Mistique, who had >lost her entire family. CROW: (blows up) Damn you, Jessie, who are YOU to mope around?! KASEY: Jeeze, SOMEone's a li'l temperamental today! CROW: Shad up. > Mistique told Jesse and James about Satoshi the Fierce, the tyrant that lived a few cities >away. MARIE: (Mistique) We used to go out, but he began to show more interest in his PIKACHUS . . . >She had also known that Cassidyopea was his Head General. She told them of how Satoshi was >gathering a enormous army to take over Pokeworld, and how he had destroyed other villages >and provinces in the area with incredibly powerful pikachus. VEGETA: If you haven't figured it out by now, he uses souped up Pikachus. OTHERS: Ohhhhhh . . . > Once Jesse was back in health, She and James set off to Ash Town in order to defeat >Satoshi and restore peace to the land. Mistique joined them, burning with the desire to avenge >her slain family. CROW: (Mistique) Whatever may occur!-- Oops, sorry, wrong story. >And so the three friends journeyed, going off to the battle... KASEY: (British accent) That isn't an Arbok! You're just hopping around knocking coconuts together! > >THE END, for now. MARIE: GASP! Oh, my heart, it almost couldn't take the excitement! > > So, reader what did you think? KASEY: I hate Xena. VEGETA: Ladies in tight leather? It's a-okay with me! CROW: Ditto! MARIE: I'm a pretty robot! >I was thinking of turning this into a series. I ended the story with a cliffhanger because I didn't >have any good ideas of how to end it. I will make a part-2 if any good ideas for one come to me >and if you, the readers like "Jesse, Warrior Princess". If you have any ideas or suggestions, give >'em to me! KASEY: Why do I have a feeling Miss Author-Lady-Person-Thing is mentioned in the second part to this series? > >Shadowcat 1999 VEGETA: 1,999 Shadowcats? Someone's cloning experiments went a bit awry! CROW: Let's get outta here, knuckleknobs. MARIE: (skips out cheerfully) (all exeunt) ~*~*~*~*~*~ Out in Room 7 and seated on the Review Couch, Kasey, Crow, Marie and Vegeta faced the infamous and kimono-clad Rob Tapert. "May I say that looks quite striking on you, sir!" Crow said. "*coughcough*suckup*cough*" Vegeta hemmed from behind his hand. "Shad up!" Crow snapped. "The little rockets zipping around on it IS cute!" Kasey just wondered if Rob knew anything about the Japanese culture there. C'mon, little ROCKETS can't be all that acceptable. But who was she to question? Sure she should be taken away, haha, but he deserved electroshock treatment. "Quit your blabbering," Rob barked, "and tell me your reviews! You interrupted my game of pachinko!" "It wasn't a chick 'fic!" Vegeta immediately chimed in. "It had Jessie in leather!" Crow added in, drooling. Marie giggled. "It was fun! And I'm a pretty robot!" "Yes, I figured so," Rob nodded at her. It's hard to hate Marie- chan! He faced the red headed Captain. "And you?" "I hate Xena." Rob's face darkened. "Hmph, let's see if YOU get a break from pain NOW, li'l missy!" Kasey swore to herself. He'd probably send her a lemon now! "Now that you're done, I shall send you your new crew members. Due to the insane popularity of this show, I figured they deserved to be on the SoD. Just to create more havoc and . . ." he paused lazily, ". . . stuff. I don't care, I was in the middle of a game! Good bye!" He clicked off. After a second or two, more like a minute or ten, I don't know, I wasn't paying attention, a commotion came from one of the entrance doors to Room 7 and a guard, lucky Bardock, came in with a group of kids and monsters following behind them. He stopped and called to Kasey, "They say they're the Digidestined!" (And out in the internet world, you can hear some Digi-fans cheering.) Kasey stepped forward, and in a diplomatic way, she proclaimed onto them, "Hello Digidestined and Digimon! Welcome to the Satellite of 'Dite--" Mimi began to bawl, "What're we here for?! Your not gonna probe me, are you?!" Izzy nodded and said, "Considering we are in an unidentified flying object and there are many strange looking humanoids here, we more than likely will be." That didn't calm Mimi's crying any. Tai stepped forward and he shouted, "I know full well what we're doing here, a strange man with orange hair told me and all." He paused and added haughtily, "Since I'M the leader, you know. So I'm here and my first issue is to challenge Ash to a fight!" "Yeah!" piped in Agumon. Crow looked up at Kasey. "Shouldn't you do something, Miss Captain Lady?" She smiled smugly with a tinch of evil and crossed her arms. "Nah, they made a big mistake. This'll be taken care of easily." Crow just shrugged and sat back to watch the carnage that may follow. But, of course, the terrible mistake was that Tai hadn't specify which Ash he wanted to challenge, and so out of the milling crowd of characters came the dreadful, yet exceptional drool-inspiring, Ash the Demon Hunter. In his growling voice he asked, "Someone think they can beat me?" And having said that he revved up his chainsaw and cocked his sawed-off rifle. Tai said something all little boys shouldn't and turned quite pale, nearly fainting. Joe stuttered, "Uh, T-tai, I think you made a big mistake." "You're a crappy leader," Matt snorted. "He's cute!" Kari said, with the other girls staring wide-eyed. One of the monsters from behind them stepped forward, Myotismon, and he asked, "Can I please get some food here, I'm starving!" Ash hollered and pointed the chainsaw at the Digimon. "An undead has escaped from Curve C! I'll get 'em for ya, sugar," he said to Kasey before dashing at the Myotismon, who was quite startled to say the least when Ash shot him in the arm with the gun. A chase ensued around Room 7 and Kasey was disappointed. Ash shoulda killed Tai, that'd leave them with one less Ash-like character. But that's the way life goes, not much to do but sit back and watch the evil Digimon blood fall. The end! ________________________________________________________________________ ______ Well! I'm done! Finally! Shadowcat shall be pleased! But the riffs were good, and the segments SUCKED! --sobsob-- I couldn't think of anything good! Well, the IDEAS were good, but when I had to add detail it sucked. Ah well, as it says, that's the way life goes and all you can do is sit back and watch the evil Digimon blood flow. So next time you feel life has got you down and crying, think of that special phrase, and be happy. Thank you, and good night. CROW: Industry, science and technology! SERVO: Big men putting screw drivers into things! Turning them! And a-djusTING them. CROW: Build your own atom storage box. MIKE: Bringing you state of the art in self-serve technology. CROW: Snapple caps of any size: jug, bottle or jar. And it really really works. ________________________________________________________________________ ______ "I know her!" said Jesse; "That's Cassidyopea! She's the Head General of the tyrant king of Ash Town, Satoshi the Fierce!" 2000, Jaimiel‚e Rocket & Maelstrom Next "Week's" Episode: Episode 22: Sailor Comet Part 4!