Mystery Pokemon Theater 3000 Previous Episodes----1. A Very Dragonball Z Christmas (Please read maximized) ----------------------------------- Original story by Mystic Vaporeon MSTed and Edited by Pika163 The story being riffed is, “Always And Forever” You can reach me at pika163@hotmail.com Theme Song ----------------------------------- In the not-to-distant future, Giovanni was getting tired, Of having lamebrains failing, So he went up and he tried, He caught a guy named Ash Ketchum, And all his cohorts, too, He shot them all up into space, Where the sky is always blue, (More like navvvvvvvvvvvvyyyy!) We'll send him crappy anime, The worst that we can see, (La-la-la) And we'll have fun watching him go, Into pure insanity, (La-la-la) Now keep in mind they'll have to watch English dubbed shows, They'll have to keep their mind in check, Before they go and blow, TRAINER ROLL CALL! Brock! (Huh...huh...huh) Misty! (Hello!) Ash! (Says nothing, stands in peace sign) Pikachuuuuuuuu! (Pika!) If you're wondering why nobody, Ever wants to get out, (La-la-la) Beware, he cut off oxygen, So just sit down and watch, For Mystery Pokemon Theater 3000! (TWANGGGG) (On the bridge, Brock and Ash is on the left side of the bridge talking about football while Misty is on a couch on the right side watching a Lifetime movie. She appears to be sniffling.) Ash: So those St. Louis Rams are doing real good this year? Brock: Yeah, so I've heard...(Looks toward Cambot)...Oh, hello! We're here talking about football, and Misty is over there watching a movie called...um...What was it called again? Misty: (sniffles)...Not now...(cries) Brock: Um, whatever...And the Rockets are calling. (pushes button) [Rocket HQ] Jessie: Hello, my little guinea pig. How are we doing? [SOL] (Ash makes hamster noises) [Rocket HQ] Jessie: Whatever. James: Are you going to send it? Are you sending it? Jessie: (whacks James) Quiet! Yes, I'm sending it! [SOL] Brock: Sending what? (Misty suddenly breaks into a tumult of crying.) [Rocket HQ] Jessie: Um...Anyway, We couldn't find any bad anime fanfics- [SOL] Brock and Ash: YES! (Start dancing) (Misty is still crying) [Rocket HQ] Jessie: But then we found a goodie from Mystic Vaporeon called "Always and Forever". [SOL] Brock: Ah crap! [Rocket HQ] Jessie: It might be a little graphic for your simple-headed minds, so I’d take precautions. [SOL] Brock: Gah! It’s a lemon! [Rocket HQ] James: No, it’s a SLS! Jessie: Shut up! (whacks James again) [SOL] Ash: What’s SLS? [Rocket HQ] Jessie: Sappy Love Story. Ah, well. In you go. [SOL] Brock: Ah, crap! We’ve got movie sign! Come on, Misty! (6...5...4...3...2...1...) (All enter theater. Brock is carrying a box.) Misty: I’m...fine..now... Brock: Good. We need an extra riffer. Here, I brought these Sunglasses for the graphic parts. Jessie herself said we should take precautions. Ash: Thanks for being...uh...precautious. Brock: It’s my job. Always and forever by Mystic Vaporeon Ash: Ahh! A psychic Vaporeon! Gotta catch it! Gotta catch it! Misty: Settle down, Ash! "Marry me Jessie. Ash: Brock at work. Brock: Hey! I want to spend the rest of my life with you," James whispered from his position on the floor. Misty: (as Jessie) Sorry, I don’t marry low-lifes! Jessie took one cautious step backward Ash: And fell down the stairs. and accepted the box James offered in his outstretched palm. Brock: Now I’ve seen everything. Misty: Nope. We’ve still to see a girl go out with you. Brock: Quit picking on me! "Oh James, I can't accept this," Ash: That’s surprising, considering she did accept the Magikarp. she breathed Brock: In the ring with her powerful lungs. fingering the small engagement diamond. "I love you Jessie, I'll never love anyone but you," James pleaded Misty: I’ll never let go, Jessie, never let go. still remaining in the traditional proposal pose, down on one knee. Ash: I thought the traditional pose was the sing the Barney song while you propose. Tears of joy filled the red -haired Rockets Brock: Rockets? James, you sly dog, you. eyes as she pulled the ring from the box and inspected it. Misty: Nope...no food bits...James must be going on a fast. Brock: Is that zinc zirconium I see? Along the inside both of their names were carved, along with the date. Ash: If they don’t get married, This will be a date that will live in infamy! She smiled and slipped it easily on her ring finger. Brock: Her secret? Grease.... "Yes," she whispered bending down to hug her partner, and now fianc. Ash: Oh, so he turned into a French coin... "I love you so much," James whispered into her ear. Misty: Although this is kinda sudden... "Me too," she replied pulling him up on his feet with her. "How will we keep this a secret? Ash: Well, see, you don’t open your mouth..... Brock: It’s hard for James, though. You know we're not supposed to..." Ash: Sing in the rain. Brock: Sing in the shower. Misty: Sing for your supper. Jessie started to say, but James cut her Misty: Finger. off by putting his finger over her lips. Brock: Now that’s telekinesis! "Shhh, we won't let this get out. Ash: If they do, I guess they would let the Meowth out of the bag, then! (Misty and Brock groan) I promise," he said putting his arms around her waist. Jessie smiled and adjusted the band of gold around her ring finger. Brock: It’s Goldfinger! Misty: I want you to marry me, Mr. Bond! "I can't wait," she said pulling herself from James' arms. Ash: But she was too heavy, and James fell over. Misty: Jessie would probably kill you where you stand for that one. "I'm tired, we should go to bed," she said slipping into the bathroom to change. Brock: But it’s only 10:00 A.M.! James giggled softly to himself Ash: I’ll tell her tomorrow that it was all a joke! This will be great! as he changed into his nightclothes. He reached over to the bedside lamp Misty: And burned himself. and turned out the light and quietly slipped into bed. Misty: You mean he wasn’t in bed already? Brock: Nasty! We saw him change! Ash: Those glasses could have come in handy... He heard the bathroom door slowly squeak open Brock: Hey! Can’t a mouse get any privacy around here? and click closed. Misty: An open and shut case. Brock: Just the facts, Ma'am. He felt Jessie run her hand down the length of his body Ash: But his hand was too cold and he jumped out of bed. and slide into bed next to him. Misty: Ekans-s-s-s-s-s-s.... He rolled Brock: His eyes and he said, "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" Ash: So I did. over to face her and pressed his lips against hers. Misty: (As Jessie) Breathe....must breathe.... Jessie reached to his chest and slowly undid the front buttons. Ash: (As James, in a Austin Powers-ish voice) I lost my mojo! Brock: Ahhhh! Glasses time! Ash: I don’t think they’re describing it. Misty: Yeah, unlike "A Hotel In Paris". Brock: *Don’t* remind me of that! "I'll love you forever Jess," he said returning the favor. Brock: Oh, so he got up and made a cup of Orange Juice for Jessie, too? "Always and forever," Jessie replied. Ash: Can we leave? They’ve said the title. Misty: No, Ash. The next morning James awoke before Jessie. Ash: He was contemplating ways to kill Jessie. He yawned and redid the buttons on her shirt and his. Brock: Oop, got to cover.... (Misty glares at Brock) Brock: ...my head.... He slowly climbed out of bed and went to change. Misty: Out of his teddy-bear jammies. Brock: Now there’s a sight I’d like to see! (Brock sits still for a moment) Brock: Never mind. Thought about it. "James?" he heard Jessie's voice from the bedroom. Ash: Are you cooking bacon? "I'm in here," he called stepping out in a clean uniform. Brock: The only one that didn’t have chocolate pudding smears all over the R. Jessie smiled and sat up. "Dressed already?" she asked smugly. Brock: I thought....uh, never mind. James smiled and pulled on his short black gloves. Misty: Good thing they weren’t white, or we might mightbe seeing a Michael Jackson crossover. "I figured I'd get an early start," he said reaching for his boots. Ash: But they were filled with rain from the day before. Brock: Yeeow! He shoved his feet into them Brock: Squelch, squelch. and headed towards the bed, Misty: Flying piledriver! but stopped when he heard a loud crunch Ash: Oh, Jessie, I’m sorry. I’ve seem to broke every bone in Meowth’s body. and the squeal of radio feedback. Misty: Well, I already knew that Giovanni was a pig, but this takes the cake! Jessie sat up alarmed. "James was that?" Brock: Oh, now, she’s talking like Shampoo! Misty: I want James. James is husband. Ash: James, was that you farting in the middle of the night? she asked afraid of the answer. Brock: Are you afraid of the answer? He reached down under the rug and produced a small black object. Misty: Oh, sorry, this is my black book... He nodded, frightened. "Jess, this room's been bugged! Ash: More like rugged, if you ask me... They've heard everything we said last night!" said James. Brock: Oh, crap! James was talking in his sleep again! Jessie flushed bright red at the thought someone had heard what she had done with James. Misty: Oh, so Jessie was the last Naughty Nun of St. Augustine.... "Jessie! Duck!" Brock: Where? Misty: I want a new duck... he yelled a split second before the window shattered Ash: And he got hit in the head with a baseball. Brock: Stupid neighbor kids... and he dropped to the ground with a loud thud. All: THUD! Jessie rolled Brock: Her eyes and said- Ash: It only works so many times, Brock. behind the bed and screamed in terror as the wall Misty: Turned into a Graveler! was riddled with several more bullets Misty: Riddle me that, Riddle me this. Who do you think is going to be dead after this? and she heard the screech of car tires outside. Brock: It’s my agent! The window shattered once more as a large object was thrown through it. Ash: Run for your lives, it’s a Snorlax! It hit the wall and fell behind the bed where Jessie was hiding. Misty: And flattened her like a hotcake. She picked it up and gasped. Brock: They’re using my perfume as a weapon! It was a large rock with a piece of paper tied to it. Misty: Traveling Carrier Geodudes. She undid the string and read the note, tears welling in her blue eyes. All it said was, Ash: Buy me 6 soft tacos. -Giovanni. P.S. Did I hurt the blue-haired freak? "When you break the rules, you answer to Giovanni." Brock: The answer is A, I know it! She dropped the note in disbelief. Misty: (as Minnesotan) Oh, Giovanni’s such a joker, dont’cha know? She had known marriage was strictly against the rules, but she hadn't expected them to take such serious measures. Ash: I can imagine it. (As Rocket member) Let’s see....250 meters. Brock: (as another Rocket) That’s some serious measures! Suddenly, she heard a groan from the center of the room. Ash: It was James, making a bad riff. "James?" she called cautiously crawling out from her hiding spot. Misty: You get hurt? Oh, well.... She screamed when she saw him, Brock: For he looked worse that ever. Ash: Now I can’t imagine that. blood pouring from a bullet wound in the right side of his chest. Misty: (as Jessie) Yes! James is going to die, James is going to die! "James! No!" she yelled kneeling by his side. Brock: Bad James! Go outside next time! He sighed and reached up to stroke the side of her face. Misty: Then he died. Ash: Eerrkkk.... "I guess, we won't get married after all," he said slowly. Brock: The world comes to that. "No, no don't say that. You'll be all right," whispered Jessie, tears falling onto James shirt. Ash: Which was unbuttoned. Brock: Don’t remind me! He closed his eyes and slid his Misty: Finger. Ash: Butt. Brock: Head. hand Brock: My next guess. down to the engagement ring still on Jessie's finger. Ash: I think it still would. (Brock and Misty nod in approval.) They stayed like that for several minutes until they heard a shrill siren from outside. Misty: It was James’ mother from outside. Brock: How come you never introduce me to your new friends, Cupcake? Jessie looked out the window at the flashing red lights of an ambulance. Ash: Oh, crap, they’ve come to take me away! "Hello? Is anyone hurt in here?" a masculine voice called. Brock: Masculine? (chuckles) Misty: What? "In here!" Jessie screeched, her voice strained and hoarse. Misty: Strained peaches? Brock: Horse meat? The paramedics burst through the door and before Jessie could get a word in, Misty: Hey! I’m the one who’s injured! had swept both her, and James on a stretcher, out to the ambulance. Ash: They swept Jessie on a stretcher and James let him walk. The ride was long for Jessie Misty: Because she had to go. and she was dismissed to the waiting room when they arrived. Brock: Here. Pee on the receptionist’s table. She sat down in a chair and cupped her face in her hands. Ash: Why didn’t I switch to Geico? Why? Suddenly she felt a hand on her back, Brock: James! Don’t scare me like that! it was a good friend of hers, a fellow Rocket by the name of Sarah. Ash: Who was married to Butch. She was tall, Misty: She was Sarah, plain and tall. and thin, Brock: The part of Sarah will be played by Twiggy. with long violet hair and bright blue eyes Ash: She’s Frank Sinatra! and she wore the same white uniform Jessie did. Misty: Oh, so she had blood smeared all over it, too? "Jessie? I came as soon as I heard, Brock: I heard that you’re getting another facelift... is he?" Ash: Single? she asked sitting down next to her. Misty: Don’t sit in my lap, you pervert! "I...I don't know," Jessie replied fingering the ring. Ash: And tarnishing the gold. "Oh Jess, did he?" asked Sarah. Brock: Did he make you break out into hives again? "I said yes too,” said Jessie starting to cry again. Ash: (as Lucky Bob) Uh....Yes, too! Jessie continued to cry onto Sarah's shoulder Brock: Lean on me, when your not strong, I’ll be your friend... until a doctor came into the room, Ash: And danced. Misty: Gotta dance, gotta dance, gotta dance... a solemn expression on his face. Misty: (as Doctor) Do I look like Giovanni to you? "Jessie?" he asked her. Brock: Will you marry me? Misty: I’m already married, you bungholes! She looked up and nodded. All: Ooooooooh! "James made it through the surgery, but he's Ash: Dead. Sorry. in a critical condition. I suggest you go home Brock: Take a hot shower, Go to the Mall of America and have a big shopping spree! Misty: Like she doesn’t do that already. and get some rest, we'll call you if anything comes up," Ash: The game is up, Watson! Brock: I thought it was, The game’s afoot. Ash: It’s, The Game Is UP! Brock: AFOOT! Ash: UP! Misty: QUIET! he said. "Come on Jess, I'll stay with you tonight," said Sarah helping her up. All: Ewwwww..... Brock: The side of Jessie no one was meant to see. "Wait, can I see him?" asked Jessie. Ash: Smackdown Graphics. Can you see it? Brock: It’s, Can You Smell It. Misty: Shut up! The doctor looked at her apprehensively, Brock: Don’t shoot me! then nodded and led her to a large room. Misty: She was then probed by aliens. James lay on the bed, tubes attached to an array of different machines. Ash: Tubular! She sat down on the edge of the bed Misty: And wet the bed. and put the hand with the ring atop the hand James wore his ring on. Brock: (as Ring, high and squeaky) I am NOT the center of attention! "You've got to make it James," she whispered. Brock: You’ve got to make it, Charmander...Funny thing is, I still remember that... "Come on Jessie, let's go," said Sarah helping Jessie up. Ash: For the second time. Misty: Wah! I’m helpless! Help me up! Though James wasn't conscious, Ash: And wasn’t breathing. Jessie was sure he'd heard her and she followed Sarah to the parking lot. Misty: Whereas she got ran over. She drove Jessie home, Brock: Drivin’ Miss Jessie. and she immediately went to bed. Misty: Er-hmm, That bed is very special to me! Ash: Don’t! The next morning Jessie woke up in a deep depression. Brock: Where did I put my anti-depression pills? "Jessie?" Sarah called walking into her bedroom. Misty: Are you looking for your anti-depression pills again? "Are you getting up?" she asked. Ash: From the blanket or are you going to suffocate all day? "I don't know if I can today Sarah," Jessie replied pulling the covers over her head. Ash: Oh, so the answer is suffocate all day? Fine, I know when to take a hint... Sarah put her hands on her hips and walked out the door. Jessie heard the muffled sound of the phone ringing through the blanket and her stomach tied itself in a knot. Brock: Oh, wait, it’s just the pizza delivery people.. She heard Sarah pick it up, and put it down just a few brief seconds afterward. Misty: I canceled your order of anchovy pizza. Is that ok? A knock sounded on her closed door and Sarah stepped in. Ash: The spotlight. Brock: That’s me in the spotlight, losing my religion! "Jessie, it was the hospital," she said her voice choked and hoarse. Misty: Now it’s choked peaches! Jessie clenched the blankets tightly in her palms refusing to accept what she was hoping the news wasn't. Brock: James is a.... Misty: Quit making lemon jokes! Brock: What? All I was going to say was that James was a- Misty: Shut yo mouth! Brock: WHAT? "James didn't make it," she said the words finally forcing themselves out of her throat. Ash: Get out, words! Get out! Jessie wailed in grief Misty: Oh, James, You never let me be in your show! Wahhhhhh! and Sarah sat down next her. Brock: Next her what? "Oh Jessie, I'm so sorry!" Misty: You don’t mean it! Sarah sobbed picking Ash: Her friends nose. her friend up and holding her. Brock: Hush, little baby, don’t make a peep... "I...I loved him so much!" Misty: Oh, sure, all verbs are past tense now.... Jessie sobbed back. Misty: (sniff) This is turning into the Lifetime movie I was watching.... Brock: Hold on, Misty! Misty: Ok, I’m fine. Sarah stroked her hair in an effort to comfort her. Ash: But couldn’t get through anything because of the solid wall of hair spray. "Cry Jessie, cry as hard as you want to," Misty: You can believe in yourself! You can cry! she whispered still crying herself. Ash: Self-help classes. Jessie found herself unable to cry, the shock of the news causing her mind to go numb. Brock: Mental novocain. "Sarah, I lost my..." Ash: Sanity.... Sarah cut her off. "I know what you did, and I'm here for you," she soothed. Misty: Even that little secret on Jerry Springer....I’m here for you... All Jessie could do was stare at the wall, letting her eyes burn a hole in it. Brock: She has x-ray vision! Several weeks later, Jessie forced herself out of bed to change for James' funeral. Misty: Let’s see...the blood-stained one or the perfume induced one? She walked into the kitchen still in the plaid flannel pajamas she had worn for the past week. Ash: Jessie. A proud member of the Al Borlin fan club. "Morning Jess," said Sarah semi cheerfully. Brock: Is that like semi-sweet chocolate chips? "Yeah whatever," she grunted Misty: (flatly) Ooga-booga. putting her hand on the counter, Ash: This service around here getting a little slack! where a familiar glint caught Sarah's eye. Brock: It was Meowth’s headpiece. "Oh Jessie, why do you still wear that?" Ash: Mr Huggles is a bear! Get over it! it was exactly the wrong thing to say at that point. Misty:(singing) It’s all wrong but it’s all right! "I still love him Sarah, and even his death won't stop me from wearing this!" shouted Jessie holding her finger up for her to see. Brock: She flipped off Sarah? She then put her hand to her pale forehead and sat down. Ash: She died. The End. "I don't feel so good," she muttered before rushing to the bathroom. Misty: Gah! I forgot to take mouthwash! Sarah winced as she heard her friend Brock: Fart. getting sick and the flush of the toilet. Jessie staggered out the bathroom and sat down in the chair again. Ash: Ahhhhhhh! Much better! "I think you should see a doctor, Misty: I told you, no more blind dates! you've been getting sick a lot lately, probably from stress," said Sarah putting her hand on her back. Brock: But just that minute, Jessie ripped her arm out and beat her with it. Misty: (as Jessie) Stress, my butt! "I think you're right, I'll make an appointment today," Ash: So soon? said Jessie getting up to change into her black attire. Brock: A shirt with a white R. Sarah drove her to the church and they both found a seat in the back. Misty: Complete with Laz-Y-Boy facilities. Jessie sat through the whole thing, Brock: Like a bad fanfic. staring ahead emotionless. Ash: Duh..... Until she came up. Misty: Um, Jessie....You've got a hole in your pants... "I'd just like to say a few words about Brock: Ovaltine. Ovaltine is creamy, has more nutrients, and is more chocolatey than Hershey’s... my one and only true love," Misty: Ricky Martin. Jessibelle Ash: Jessibelle? What’s she doing here? And why dosen’t she have her Vileplume? Brock: I think the author means Jessie. had bothered to show her gruesome face again. All: Ewwwww..... It took all Jessie's self control and some Ash: Pizza. of Sarah's to prevent her from jumping up and tearing Misty: The priest. her to shreds. "He was my one true love, even as children we knew we were right for each other, Brock: Oh, so that’s what made them do naughty stuff in bed.... Ash and Misty: BROCK!!! and now that he's gone, Ash: I’ll guess I’ll have to marry Meowth. there'll be a void forever in my life that'll never be filled. Misty: Go into the gap, go into the gap... Goodbye James, I'll always love you," Brock: Sometimes... she finished her eulogy and stepped down from the podium weeping. Misty: Weeping because she still didn’t switch to Geico. Jessie growled and cracked her knuckles under the back of the seat in front of her. Brock: Wait....Who’s talking? Ash: Jessie. Misty: No, but Jessie was cracking her knuckles.... Brock: Gah! This fanfic has got me confused! When the torture had finally ended, Misty: When her hair was finally in place, Jessie stepped up to James Brock: Stepping right up to the James, I say hey man, he’s not breathing... closed coffin Ash: Bite me, James! and placed two things by it: Brock: The perfume she used, and her last bottle of hair spray. the Pokeball that had once contained his one and only beloved Pokemon. Ash: Magikarp. Jessie had put the Weezing in a Misty: Daycare. new Pokeball so James could have his old one. Brock: When he carried it into the World Soul. The second item being a single blood red rose, Ash: Blood red, because he bled all over it. a brilliant green ribbon tied around the stem. Misty: (as Jessie) Oops, had to use it as a handkerchief during the service... Jessie had chosen the green ribbon because it Brock: Had boogers all over it, and that James would always be her little booger. had reminded her of James' emerald green eyes. Ash: Now that’s a horse of a different color! They were the most beautiful eyes in the world to her. Misty: Much more beautiful than Giovanni’s eyes, the man whom she was dating. Brock: Ewww...that’s like you going out with James’ father.... "Goodbye James, Ash: I’ll see you when I get there....Is it hot down there? I still love you, always and forever," Ash: Twice! Now can we leave? Misty: No. she whispered placing the rose Brock: Up James’ nose. among the bouquet of white lilies Misty: That reminded her of her...wait, Brock’s influencing me! Brock: Heehee. that adorned the top of the glossy black casket. Brock: Ooooooh. Black. It showed up beautifully, like a drop of blood on perfect white silk Ash: Haha. Look at all these references to Blood! Misty: I thought she was trying to forget that moment. and Jessie let it rest there, Brock: Stay! Good rose... the engagement ring tied to the rose with the green ribbon. Brock: Um....um....Crap! Can’t riff... On her way out, Jessie bumped into none other than Ash: Captain Kangaroo! Ash, Misty, and Brock, the elusive Pikachu riding on Ash's shoulders. Brock: Hey! We’re in this fanfic! Misty: I take that as an insult! "We heard what happened, and we had to come," said Ash. Ash: Hey, he’s taking the words right out of my mouth! (Brock and Misty groan) Brock and Misty nodded in agreement. Brock: I only came for the refreshments. "Piika," said Pikachu extending a small paw out to Jessie. Misty: Hold my paw, boy. Hold my paw... She sniffed and took it. Ash: Then flinging Pikachu around, she took the rodent and ran off with him! "A truce?" she offered patting the Pokemon on the head. Misty: Good Pikachu, don’t electrocute Aunt Jessie.... "More than a truce, we offer our friendship, Brock: No way! I’m killing the person who said that! we never meant for this to happen. You guys trying to get Pikachu was only a game anyway," said Misty. Ash: Yeah, poisoning Pikachu was only a game... (Brock looks evilly at Misty) Misty: What? Oh, crap.... Brock: I’ll let it pass this time... Jessie nodded and smiled a bit, Misty: Revealing her overbite... reciting the motto in her mind. Ash: What came next after Prepare for trouble? Oh, yeah....Make it single.... It seemed like just yesterday Brock:(singing) Yesterday...seemed like a day away... she had been back to back with her beloved James, Misty: James, you’re warm... reciting that same poem in front of the same kids who now stood before her. Ash: Stupid kids...Stupid, stupid kids. "We'll see you sometime then," offered Brock. Brock: No, no, I did not say that! Jessie nodded. "Yes, yes you will," Misty: You’ll see my chainsaw.... said fully intending to visit them again. Ash: Maybe Brock would have a chance with her.... Brock: Shut up! "Jessie! We've got to go!" Misty: To the bathroom! she heard Sarah yell. "Bye guys," she said and walked towards Sarah, who Brock: Was trying to drink anti-freeze. stood waiting by her car. "She'll never be the same," Ash: She’ll be the official mascot for Krusty the Clown... said Ash putting Pikachu on the floor. Misty: An stepping on him vigorously. "I miss James already," moaned Misty. Misty: I missed how he would mess up every plan, and then that laugh of his.... Jessie rode in the front seat home in silence, Ash: The silence of the Jessies.... and Sarah didn't say a word. Brock: Don’t say a word, Sarah! I managed to get an appointment for this afternoon at the doctor. Misty: Jessie goes into narrative mode. We'll go home get changed, then I'll take you," Ash: Gee, another slumber party? Yippee! said Sarah looking over at her friend. Misty: Or ex-friend. She wasn't sure if it was really Jessie who was sitting next to her in the car. Ash: It was James! Brock: It was Misty! Misty: It was Prof. Oak! James' death had completely devastated her and in her mind, Misty: Now, how one man caused a whole nuclear war. nothing would ever be right in the world again. Ash: Hmmm...1 + 1=2? It’s wrong! Nothing’s right! She got out of the car and changed into her regular clothes in complete silence. Brock: She changed outside of the house? Misty: I bet the neighbors are having a ball right now. "Do we have to leave now?" Ash: Do I have to go to school? asked Jessie when she had finished changing. Brock: Get back into the car... "We've got a minute, why don't you rest a while?" Misty: Sit a spell? Brock: Y’all come back now, y’hear? suggested Sarah running her fingers through her violet hair. Ash: Again, the solid wall of hair spray stopped her. Jessie sighed and locked herself in her room. Misty: I’m having a house arrest and your not invited! She lay down on her bed, the same bed she had shared with James Brock: Shared seems the right word for it... the night of their engagement and pulled out a small locked diary. Misty: Where was that recipe for fruitcake? She pulled the key out from her Brock: ... Ash: Don’t even say it, Brock! dress. It hung from a thin gold chain around her neck. Misty: Wait....She pulled it from her dress, but it hung around her neck? Ash: That’s one long chain! She jammed the key into the lock Brock: (as Sports announcer) What a monster jam! and turned it until it popped open Misty: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop! and dropped to the bed. She opened it to the first page and Ash: Got a nasty paper cut. read the entry, like she had done every day since James' death. Misty: It reminded her of sadder times. Dear Diary, Ash: James is dead so I can finally sleep in peace! God that sounds sappy! Brock: Happy sappy, actually. Well anyway James is Misty: Taking a whiz, so I’d better write quick. reading over my shoulder and someone should tell him Brock: Dinner is ready! it's quite rude! Ash: (as Stephanie) How rude! There was a scribble mark where there had been a small war over the pen and the writing started again a few lines down. Misty: Why would she admit all that to her diary? Anyway now that I've locked James out Brock: Of the house. I can Ash: Sleep in peace. write in peace. Ash: Close. Today is my birthday and James Brock: Gave me a rose. How thoughtful! had given me this lovely diary in which to keep my Misty: Pet guinea pig. thoughts. It's perfectly pointless and I Ash: Want to whack him over the head with it. don't blame him for giving it to me. He's always been the Brock: Stupid. sensitive one between us. That's what I like about him. Misty: 10 Things I like about you. I can see us now, old and moldy Ash: Ewwww...Growing mold on Jessie is not a pretty sight. in a Team Rocket retirement home. Brock: Complete with Kevorkain premiums. I see our everyday conversations Misty:(singing) I can see all our everyday conversations, now that the rain is gone... "James, be a dear and hand me my Ash: Hair spray. teeth." "Sure thing Jessie, that spinach puree mushy enough? All: Eww..... Can you handle it? I know mine is a bit tough." Ash: Can we please have the glasses? Brock: It’s just food, Ash. Nothing graphic. Ash: I hate spinach, though! "No no it's great, you can practically drink the stuff." Ash: I think I need to barf.... Brock: Quit your yapping! Oh boy. Why is it the only person I imagine myself growing old with is James? Misty: Because your engaged might have something to do with it.... I don't know, maybe he's the only person I want to grow old with. Misty: (saying in an old, squeaky voice) Prepare for trouble.... Brock: (ditto) Make it ..erkkkkk! Misty: James, honey? You having a heart attack again? Well, I'm getting a bit mushy for my own good, Ash: She’s turning into spinach puree! and I'm out of space. Misty: Space for rent. Love, Jessica Brock: Love me, love my Jessica. A tear escaped Jessie's eye as she remembered that birthday. Ash: (in a high voice, As tear) Woo-hoo! I’m free! James had taken her out to dinner to celebrate. Misty: The fanciest resturant he knows. McDonald’s. They hadn't been to terribly beaten that day by the Ketchum kid Ash: I have a name, you know! and his Pikachu and they were in high spirits. Brock: (in a drunken voice) Pass those high sprits, (hiccup) will you, Jess? It was one of the memories of James she liked best. Misty: Yep, she’ll never forgot Meowth trying to rip into the plastic on his Happy Meal toy.. She opened the diary to the next blank page and Ash: Spit on it. set the pen down on the paper, the very same one she and James had Brock: Stuck into each other’s noses. warred over. It was old and nearly out of ink, Ash: (in a high, squeaky voice, as Pen) Refill me, why don’t ya? but it had memories attached to it. Brock: As .txt files, or as .exe files? Misty: Your on your own. Your the only one who would find computer humor funny. Dear Diary, Ash: I just wanted to say, Do you want a soda? Until I went to James' funeral today, I never knew Brock: That he had a lollipop stuck to his boot. I ate it. Ash and Misty: Brock, that’s nasty! how deep depression could go. Misty: So she overdosed on Aleve. I can barely bring myself to get out of bed. Ash: The only thing that will keep me going is James’ wig I took. Brock: I can imagine his parents looking at the dead, bald body and shrieking. I've hit a new low for sure, Misty: And I was given a shovel by Sarah. there isn't a day goes by I don't think of him, Brock: Thinking of smacking him... or ending it all to be with him. Ash: Sweet propane, take me in! I've been getting sicker lately in the mornings. Misty: You sick dog, you! Maybe I've got cancer, if I do, it'd be a dream come true. Ash: Cancer? How? Brock: Testing at Team Rocket Laboratories. I could be with my James forever and I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. Misty: That one strand of hair that sticks out! That one strand! I'm no longer Jessie. Ash: Hello, I’m a Namechangolic and my new name is Mike. I'm merely a shell, an empty shell Brock: A ghost in the shell. where a whole person used to be. Misty: The nut is gone. (All chuckle) I miss James. I buried the ring with him today. Misty: The ring’s possessed! It's where it belongs. Until the next depressing moment. Brock: When I can dig it out of the coffin, and wear it again. Jessica Misty: Sally Jessica Raphael. "Jessie! Let's go!" Misty: (singing) Get on your feet... Sarah called breaking the white noise in Jessie's ears. Ash: The Jigglypuff noise? (All make Jigglypuff sounds.) She closed and locked the diary and shoved it Ash: Up her butt. back in the bedside drawer. "Coming!" Ash: Incoming! she called putting on her coat. She followed Sarah outside to the car and silently got in. (All hum “Taps.”) "Jessie, you hardly talk to me anymore. Misty: Has the flame gone out of our relationship? I know you're depressed, but James is gone, Brock: With the wind. Ash: I don’t give a- (Brock and Misty glare at him) Ash: Pig’s foot? you can't bring him back," said Sarah. "Have you ever lost someone you loved? Brock: I can’t say that personally... I loved James more than life itself! Misty: You loved James more than an elephant? Don't you dare tell me to get over it!" Jessie snapped. Misty: (as Jessie) Don’t go there, girlfriend! (snaps fingers) Sarah didn't know what to say to her, Ash: Boy, nice weather, eh? and drove the rest of the way to the hospital in the usual silence. Brock: For $500, how they drive to the hospital? Misty: Ooh, ooh, In a noisy hubbub! Brock: No, I’m sorry. You didn’t not say, “The answer is...” "Well Jessie, you say you've been getting sick in the morning?" asked the doctor. Ash: Yeah, no thanks to you. Jessie nodded and folded her arms across her chest. Misty:(as Jessie) I’m hungry! "Okay, I'd like to take a blood test, it'll only take a minute. Then we'll know a lot more," Brock: About your troubled past... said the doctor as he rubbed Jessie's arm with a bit of alcohol. Misty: (as Jessie) Can I lick that off? She flinched as she felt the thin needle pierce her delicate skin. Misty: (as Jessie) Don’t pierce my delicate skin! (grabs a mallet) "Alright, we'll be back in just a moment," Ash: After this commercial break. said the doctor and left. Misty: Her with questions. Jessie pressed the tissue the doctor had given her to the small bead of blood on her arm. Ash: It instantly reminded her of James. It brought back a flood of memories, Brock: Gah! I’m drowning! the day she'd dreamt about, the day she'd relived over and over again in her mind. Ash: When I finally know I have cancer! Yay! She sat there watching the blood stain on the tissue grow larger Misty: And larger until suddenly she died because of loss of blood. until the doctor came back, Brock: (singing) No more, no more, no more, no more! a smile on his face bigger than Jessie though humanly possible. Brock: His smile was a hundred feet wide! "I've got some great news for you Jessie. Misty: That sandwich wasn’t laced with cocaine... You're not sick at all. Ash: You’re dead! Mwahahahahahahaha! Congratulations, you're going to have Brock: Rabies. a baby," Brock: Hey, it rhymed! said the doctor grinning even wider. Ash: 200 feet! A world record! Jessie let her jaw hang and put at hand to her stomach. Misty:(as Jessie) I think I’m gonna barf... "Thank you," Misty: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much... she said and walked out to meet Sarah. Ash: Jessie has left the building! "So? How'd it go?" she asked. Brock: Crappy. Ash: (as Doctor, yelling) Oh yeah! The bill’s $500! Jessie shrugged, partially in disbelief. "I'm Ash: Having a teletubbie. All: Ewwwww... pregnant," she said bluntly. All: (flatly) Yay. Sarah brightened instantly. Brock: She gained a few IQ points. "Oh really Jess? Ash: No! That's so wonderful! Ash: No! Are you going to keep it? Ash: No! Do you know who the father is?" Ash: No! she babbled excitedly. Brock: Goo-goo, gah-gah! Jessie's eyes opened wide with excitement at the last question. Misty: The father is a regular guest on Jerry Springer! "I do know Sarah, there's only one person it could be Brock: Mr. Binky! ," she said actually smiling. Ash: For the first time since her tangle with hair. Sarah looked at her with confusion and shrugged. Misty: I wish the author would have misspelled that, because I have a great joke to go with drugs.... "Shall we go then?" she asked. Ash: Shall we dance? Jessie smiled again. Brock: Let your smile be your umbrella. Misty: And let the thunderstorms knock your teeth out! "Yes, let's go," she said cheerfully. Ash: Hi-ho, the dairy-o! Jessie talked excitedly the whole way home Misty:(as Jessie) Even though the baby is a girl, I think I’ll make blue pajamas for it, and ... and Sarah thought they had given her some kind of anti depressants to take. Brock: Or helium.... Jessie assured her they hadn't and when they got home Ash: She ate 5 bowls of Sugar Coated Chocolate Puffs. , she immediately went to her room for her beloved diary. Misty: Speak to me, beloved diary! Dear Diary, Ash: It’s me again! Don’t you remember me? You don’t....? The news I got at the doctors was the best I could've hoped for. Misty: I’ve got....Crap, Brock, quit making lemon jokes! It’s rubbing off on me! Brock: Heehee. I'm not sick at all, I'm Ash: just a complete loser, that’s all. pregnant, and the baby belongs to Misty: A horse named Mr. Ed. Ash: Aww, Misty, that’s nasty! James. I feel I have the strength to go on now Brock: I would sing now, but I won’t. , it's like there's a part of him is still alive now Ash: Just the head is alive. and I'll fight Team Rocket to the end to keep my child. Misty: Or quit. Do that too. I'll always love James, like I said before he died, always and forever. Ash: Three times! Misty: Don’t push it. Jessica She closed and locked the diary a new hope burning like a torch in her heart. Brock: Oww! Oww! That hurts! Ash: Star Wars...A New Hope. She shoved it Misty: This time in her mouth. in the drawer and sat up on her pillow, and wondered Misty: What the heck she’s doing with a child. aloud what to name her child. "If it's a boy, why don't you name him Brock: Brock! Ash: Ash! Misty: James! James? After his father?" Misty: Heehee! (Brock and Ash growl at Misty) Jessie looked up to see Sarah standing in the doorway. Ash: Get out, you peeping tom! Out! Jessie thought it over a second the nodded approvingly. Brock: I will kill her quick and easy. "I wish James could be here to see this," said Jessie, Ash: But he’s not, so nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah! tears welling in her eyes. "Me too Jess, me too." Brock: .... Misty: Make another Titanic reference and you’ll get your arms ripped out. A few weeks later, Jessie found the courage Misty: To go down to the disco hall, and dance for once! to go to James' grave. Ash: Boogie on down! She brought with her one item, a single blood red rose. Brock: Gah! Ash: Not again! When she reached his grave she found there were Ash: Two dead people who passed out from the stench of James. already several things there. The first thing she saw was a Brock: Blood red rose. Misty: (as Jessie) Someone’s beat me to it! large bouquet of flowers with the names Ash, Misty, and Brock written on the card. (All look at each other then look at Misty.) Brock and Ash: Misty? Misty: Couldn’t help it.... She laughed a bit when she pushed them aside to reveal a bottle of ketchup, a small paw print on the label. Brock: Made with Pikachu’s heart and soul. She laid her flower at the base and stood up. Ash: Because the ground was getting her skirt all dirty. She frowned at the white lily resting on the top of the grave. Misty: (as Jessie) That Ketchum kid always has to suck up.. A small note on it read, "To my James, our love will never die, Jessibelle." All: WHAT?!?!?!?!? Ash: Next time, on Jerry Springer... Jessie clenched her teeth and threw the flower to the ground. Misty: Bad flower! "Sorry James, but you never liked her anyway," she said crushing the white petals under her shoe. Ash: (as James) Hey, I was going to eat those! Jessie sighed and traced the name James with her finger. "I'll always love you," she said putting a hand to her steadily increasing stomach. Ash: Was she getting fatter or what? Misty: Man, those mood swings really hit hard when your pregnant! Brock: Um, Jessie....It’s time to take your PMS medicine! * * * Brock: Ouch. Only a three star rating. Nine months later, after a long bout with labor, Misty: (as Jessie) The baby’s mine! Hhmph! You call yourself a doctor! a small wriggling bindle was handed to Jessie. Ash: I don’t want to eat that kind of meatloaf.... "It's a boy," said the doctor. Brock: Congratulations. It’s a squid. Jessie had known that already and she had already decided on a name. Ash: Let’s call him.....Buckethead! "Jessie, he looks just like him," said Sarah. Misty: (as Jessie) You were watching me? (she makes a slapping sound) Jessie ran her fingers through the thin layer of blue hair on top of his head All: Poor kid! and looked into his eyes, which brought tears to hers. Ash: They were all deformed.... They were slightly bluish, but that would change in time, Brock: A wrinkle in time. she could tell they would be the same brilliant Misty: Pink. green his father's had been. "He does look just like him," Jessie whispered. Ash: That kid is going to be scarred for life when he gets older. "I'll take him for a while, you get some sleep," Misty: Oh, sure. Using me for my baby... said Sarah taking the baby from Jessie's arms. All: (as Jessie) Hey! She sighed contentedly and quickly fell asleep. Ash: (as Jessie, like he’s asleep) Guess what, James? We had the cutest baby! Brock: (as Doctor) She’s gone wacko! The next day Jessie was allowed to go home with her baby. Brock: And on the eighth day, she would have to go back and have him circumcised. Sarah had lived with her all through her bout with depression and pregnancy, Misty: And she knew every little secret so that she could blackmail Jessie. but now that Jessie was a parent, she wanted to live on her own. Ash: You meanie! Not wanting me to live on my own! "You will call me if you need anything right?" Misty: No, I’ll call Taco Bell, then I’ll call you. said Sarah as Jessie forced her out of the door. Brock: (as referee) Checking! Ash: (as Sports announcer) She’s going to spend some time in the penalty box for that! "Yes yes, now go, you need a life now too," Ash: She was always known for putting, “Get A Life” nicely. said Jessie smiling. Sarah waved goodbye and drove Misty: Over Jessie. off. James started to cry Brock: Whaa! I’m dead! so Jessie closed the door and went into his room."What's the matter huh?" Ash: Sarah gave me bananas! she cooed (All make pigeon sounds) picking the baby up out of the crib. Ash: (As James) Let me down! "Oh, none of that now, Misty: (as Minnesotan) Oh, none of that now, ya hoser... shhh," Brock: You’re in the library! she whispered and James stopped crying and fell asleep in her arms. Ash: Then he woke up abruptly and threw up on her. Jessie quietly laid him down again and pulled a small blanket around his body. Misty: But then she was cold, and took the blanket from him. "I could get used to this parenting thing," All: You better! she said happily and closed the door to let James sleep. Brock: But she slammed the door and James awoke crying. Misty: (as Jessie) D’oh! She looked at the Polaroid picture that Sarah had taken when she had first brought James home. Ash: From the funeral parlor. He was looking straight into the camera and his eyes Brock: Had stars in them and he was completely blanked out. had changed completely, to the same emerald green James' had been. Ash: Now that’s a- Brock: You said that before. Remember? 5 episode limit? (Ash growls) He had the same glossy blue hair as well. Brock: He was a Topps Refractor! Ash: Your on your own for baseball card humor, too. "You're going to look just like your Misty: Dead. dad James," she whispered holding the picture to her chest. Brock: To remind her of the good old days. Ash: (as James) Um...your suffocating me...help. She looked at it again and smiled. Misty: She drooled on the picture. "You're going to act like him too," she mused putting the picture down on the counter. Brock: So he’s going to be hungry all day and have that stupid laugh? James grew quickly and Jessie was stunned at how much he did look like his father. Misty: (as Jessie, flatly) Yea. You look like your father. He'd shown her once, Brock: How did her kid get a hold of her private pictures? a picture of him when he was five and now that her son was five, Misty: He would be a perfect size to flush down the toilet. it was if James was showing her that picture again. Ash: Gah! They’re twins! "James! Hurry up! You'll be late!" Brock: (as Kevin) 5 minutes, you’ve got 5 minutes everyone... Jessie called. She adjusted the Misty: Bifocals. wire-rimmed glasses she now wore and tightened the bun she had tied her hair back in. Ash: Ah, crap, now she looks like Princess Leia! "Coming mom!" James rushed out of his room dressed in a Misty: Shirt with an R on it. pair of denim shorts and a striped T-shirt. Brock: It was striped because he had pudding all over it. Misty: (as Jessie) Just like your father! "Did you get your lunch?" Ash: Thrown up? asked Jessie. James nodded and shoved the paper bag into his Brock: Mouth. Misty: (as Jessie) Just like your mother! backpack. "Let's go I'm going to be late for work and the bus is waiting!" said Jessie Ash: All in one breath. All: Wowwwwwww! gently shoving James out the door. "Bye! I'll see you later!" he said waving. Brock: Remember our family game night! "Bye! I love you!" Jessie shouted after him. Jessie watched as the bus pulled away and she Misty: Got ran over. Ash: You know, Jessie is getting a bum rap with vehicles... Misty: Ok, she only got major lacerations... gathered her keys and drove to Team Rocket headquarters. Brock: What...? She'd been promoted from field agent to executive two years after the accident. Misty: (as Jessie) They killed my husband, left me a single parent, and threw my life into chaos, but hey, they pay good money! Brock: Besides, what accident was there? He did it on PURPOSE! "Good morning Miss Ash: Oh, so Jessie sells chocolate milk.... , may I get you anything?" her secretary piped from her desk. Brock: That reminds me, I got to go fix the plumbing after the movie... "No thanks, I'll be fine," she said picking up a small Styrofoam cup of coffee. Brock: And gnawing on it like a little kid. Misty: (as Jessie) Ummm....protein.... "You have a visitor waiting in your office," the secretary added. Ash: James? March yourself to school right now! Jessie nodded (All nod their heads.) and stepped into her office, where a tall Rocket with green hair waited for her. Misty: Oh, Fabio.... Brock: Fabio dosen’t have green hair. Misty: Excuse me! "What are you doing here Butch?" she asked confused. Ash: ..... Misty: Make another Jerry Springer reference and I’ll beat you with a sledgehammer. "Well, I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime, take in a movie, Brock: Take *in* a movie? Misty: Didn’t you hear? They made movies where you breathe them in instead of watching them. dinner," he asked casually. Jessie was appalled anyone would ask her. Ash: She was so blown away she fell from the 22nd story window. She sighed, she had to move on. Misty: So she walked 20 feet. "I'd love to, but I'll have to find a sitter for James," Brock: Don’t break the poor kid’s back! she said. Butch handed her a slip of paper. Ash: (as Butch) You’re fired. Enjoy. "Already done, I have a friend with a kid and this guy comes very highly recommended," Misty: Five stars from Children Killers United. he said. Jessie took the slip of paper and smiled. Misty: (as Jessie) I like being fired! "8:00 tonight then?" asked Butch. Brock: What if I wanted 10:00? Jessie nodded and put the slip of paper down on her desk. Ash: Got to remind myself I’m fired... Misty: Ok, I think we’ve milked that joke for all it’s got... Butch smiled and left and Jessie slumped down into her chair. Brock: That man is diabolical! "God what have I done? Oh well, guess I'll call this guy," Ash: 5 years later, the mood swings remain! she said picking up the phone receiver. She dialed the number and a masculine voice answered. Brock: Masculine again! (chuckles louder) Misty: What is wrong with you? "Hello?" he asked. Brock: You’re going on a date? "Hi, you were recommended to me as a baby sitter to me, are you available tonight?" Misty: That two-timing slob! Ash: She meant as a sitter, not a date. Misty: Oh... asked Jessie. "I certainly am, what time do you need me and what's the address?" Brock: That’s sorta confidential! asked the man. Jessie gave him the time and the address. Brock: No matter, I’ll give it out anyway! "Now your name is John?" asked Jessie. Misty: He’s a toilet? (all chuckle) "Yeah that's me, Misty: (as Amanda) That’s me! what's your kids name?" asked John. "His name is James, he's only five, so you'll be able to Ash: Drug him. He won’t know the difference! put him to bed early. He won't be much trouble," Jessie explained. Brock: The worst he’ll do is chop you in half with a chainsaw, but them’s the breaks. "James? I'm rather partial to that name, Misty: What? He’s not fully to the name? Ash and Brock: (flatly) Har. Har. I'm sure he's a great kid," said John. Brock: Oh, I’m flattered! "I'll see you tonight then?" asked Jessie. Ash: (as John) No, you’ll see me tomorrow! Of course, I’ll see you tonight! "See you at 8:00 sharp," All: Ouch! said John and hung up the phone. Jessie hung up as well and booted up her computer to start the days work. Brock: Let’s see--Notepad....check. Windows...check. Address Book...check. Duke Nukem 3D ....Check! Jessie pulled the car into the schools parking lot and stopped the engine. Misty: Because James was in her muffler. James came running out of the kindergarten room and promptly hopped into the car. Brock: But missed the sliding door. All: (wincing) Ooooooooh... "Hey kiddo, how was school today?" asked Jessie. Ash: It was crappy! I hate school! I’m never going to school again! Brock: Young James’ grows up. "It was great! I made this for you!" he babbled excitedly and handed her a large piece of Ash: ABC gum. paper. Jessie unrolled it and what she saw nearly brought tears to her eyes. Brock: It was a picture of Butch and her going out on a date. Misty: (as Jessie) How’d you know about this, you freak! It was a drawing of a Pokemon battle, an Arbok and a Weezing beating up a Pikachu. Ash: (as Pikachu) Hey..hey..Double teaming! "They told us to draw anything we wanted, and I love those stories you've told me about Misty: Mr. Rogers. when you tried to capture the Pikachu," said James. Brock: It was just a game, right? "I love it James, thank you," she said putting the drawing in the back seat. Misty: She loved it, but she threw it in the back seat? "You also told me your partner had a Weezing, that's why I drew it," said James. Ash: Quit saying partner! Say “friend”. "I still have it," Misty: (As Betty Boop) I’ve still got it...Boop, boop, be-doop, boop! said Jessie starting the car again. "Someday you'll tell me what happened to him right?" Brock: That he wasn’t a lab experiment? asked James as they started for home. Jessie let a single tear fall from her eye Ash: (as Tear) Heeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllppp! and nodded. "Someday when you're older," she said running her fingers Brock: Up his nose. through his glossy blue hair, which he liked to keep cropped shoulder length. Misty: Any longer, and he’d look like Kurt Cobain. Which Jessie found odd, Ash: Because he had never listened to rock before. he'd never seen a picture of James, he had no idea what he looked like. Brock: Times change, buddy! Get a clue! They got home and Jessie put the drawing up on the refrigerator with magnets. Misty: Next to James’ other picture of his father eating donuts. "James, I'm going out tonight, I'm leaving you with a baby sitter. Ash: He’s a softy. He’ll only give you minor lacerations. He's come very highly recommended and I think you'll like him," Misty: Oh, like James reads Good Housekeeping.... said Jessie as James reached for a glass in the cupboard. Brock: Where did I put that one glass...you know, the one that says, “Go Pewter City Hawks”? "Does this mean you're dating again?" Ash: That’s for me to know and you to find out. he asked opening the refrigerator. "Probably not, but I do have one tonight," Misty: You have another hair appointment, mommy? said Jessie closing it for him after he had poured himself something to drink. Brock: Don’t have too much bourbon, James. "Aunt Sarah says you need to get a life," James said turning on the small television set in the living room of their home. Ash: That Jessie won on the Ed Sullivan show. Jessie put her hands on her hips. Misty: That Aunt Sarah... "Oh she does, does she? Brock: (as James) Well, yeah, duh.... Well, next time you see her you can tell her I have more of a life than she does," she said laughing. Ash: James is caught in the middle of two women squabbling... "You'd better go get ready, you'll want to Misty: Look disheveled and all! look pretty for your date," said James turning around. "I guess I will," said Jessie smiling. Misty: Even though I don’t have a life. Man, that Aunt Sarah knows everything! James stood up and put his glass down. Brock: (as James) (hiccup) "Do you want some help?" he asked grinning deviously. Ash: Heeheehee....What she dosen’t know is I took all her fancy clothes to the dry-cleaning! She’ll have nothing to wear except Team Rocket shirts! "Sure, come on," said Jessie picking him up. James laughed and put his arms around his mother's neck. Misty: Quit choking me, you idiot! "You're getting too heavy for me to hold like this," Jessie laughed Brock: Using the Stone Cold Stunner on James. putting him down on the soft carpet of her bedroom. All: Oooooh, soft..... James walked over to the closet and opened it. Ash: And found all her- (Misty and Brock stare at Ash) Ash:....Nickelodeon magazines....Why are you getting after me? Misty: Because, this fanfic could have a lasting effect on your brain. (Ash grumbles) "Which one is best for a date?" he mused comically fingering his chin. Brock: Just like Popeye. "Just like his father," Jessie thought Brock: Heck, they’re both cartoon caricatures. to herself and knelt by James. "How about the red one? It matches your Ash: Chest hair? hair, and I've never seen you wear it," he said pointing to the red silk dress in the very Brock: Ious places of the room. back of the closet. Jessie swallowed hard, Ash: As she swallowed down her vocal chords. she'd worn that dress once, the last time she had seen James alive. Misty: She decided that she’d wear it again, ‘cause she wanted Butch dead. "I don't know sweetie, I really love that dress," she said pulling it out. Brock: So I’ll wear it anyway! "It's so pretty, please wear it. For me?" said James fingering the hem of the dress. Ash: James, even knows how to sow! All: Ooooooh...Ahhhhhhhh... Jessie sighed and nodded. "All right, I'll wear it, I'll go put it on and you can pick out a pair of earrings," All: Mama’s boy! Mama’s boy! she said handing him her jewelry box. James squealed in delight and opened the box as Jessie stepped into the bathroom. (All are continuing their chant of “Mama’s boy! Mama’s boy!”) She flipped on the light and hung the dress on the edge of the shower. (All stop chanting because Ash is saying something.) Ash: I’m getting a bad feeling.... She sighed and slipped out of her old clothes. All: Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Brock: I did NOT want to see that! Misty: That’s surprising, considering you swoon over girls everyday. Brock: Well, I don’t like to see their....um....nevermind. She pulled the dress and adjusted the straps. It was a tight fit, Ash: Tighter than tight. with a low draped neckline and very thin silk straps. Misty: That snapped whenever she moved. Brock: Misty! I did NOT want that mental image! She sprayed a small mist of perfume on her neck and picked up her black eyeliner. Ash: What, she turn into Alice Cooper all of a sudden? She slowly redid the elegant lines on her glittering blue eyes Brock: Glittering to whom? and applied her glossy red lipstick. Brock: It’s a...dang, used that joke before.... She brushed her hair out into the arc that James had loved so much Ash: Who? The kid or the dead guy? and sprayed it into place. Misty: 5 bottles....need 12 more before perfection! She put on the bracelet she had picked out earlier and stepped out of the bathroom. Brock: Fully dressed, I hope. James was staring transfixed at a small black box in his hands. Ash: Oh, so this is my Christmas present... "What's this? I can't get it open," he said trying to open it again. Brock: And broke the box. "I think I can show you these," said Jessie kneeling on the floor to take the box from him. Ash: (as James) Is it your black book, Mommy? She pressed a nearly invisible button in the back Misty: (singing) That box has got an invisible button, yeah, It’s on the back and you can’t see it at all! and the box popped open revealing a pair of Jade earrings. Misty: Oh, so Jessie is a Mortal Kombat fan... "Those look great with red! Why don't you wear those?" shouted James excitedly. Brock: Mama’s boy...Come on, join in! Jessie closed the box remorsefully. Ash: Something stinks and it’s not me! "I wore these while I was a field agent, they remind me too much of my partner," Misty: She was a travel agent? she said putting the box back in the jewelry case. "Don't you want to remember him?" Brock: Maybe! asked James. "I do, I really do, Misty: (singing) So, tell me what you do, what you really really do.... but it's so painful," Brock: Ow! Ooh! Muscle spasm! said Jessie taking her son in her arms. "I know you miss him mom, but he died such a Ash: Painful death and all, I mean, his arm is the only thing you have preserved! long time ago, you should hang on to the memories you have," said James. Misty: Hang On? I love that game! Brock: Since when did you know about arcade games? I do that! Misty: I surf the Internet... "Since when did you get so smart?" asked Jessie laughing. Ash: Ever since they put that new drug in me... James giggled and handed his mother a pair of red rose earrings. Misty: (as Jessie) Grrrragh! Another memory! "Wear these instead," he said. Jessie kissed him on top of his head and the doorbell rang. Ash: (as Alfred Hitchcock) Good evening. "I'll get it!" James shouted leaping from his mother's arms and sprinting for the door. Brock: Now, lining up for the 200m dash, James. Jessie laughed and ran after him. "Hello! Are you my mom's date?" Ash: (as Freddy Kruger) No, kiddy, I’m Freddy Kruger! James asked as he opened the door. The man standing there laughed warmly. Brock: (flatly) Hah. Hah. Hah. "James! Don't be rude," Jessie joked looking at him. "You must be John Ash: Perfect name for a toilet cleaner guy. , I'm apologize for my son here," Misty: I am Jessie, and I’m apologizing for my son here. (All clap) she said extending her hand. "Aw, don't worry about it. He's a cute Brock: Monkey. kid," said John shaking her hand. Ash: And ripping it out. "By the way I didn't catch your name on the phone today," said John. Misty: Oh, he makes a diving catch! Brock: But misses. "Oh! I'm so sorry, my name's Ash: (as James) Mommy, you might want different name in case they’re part of Team Rocket. Misty: (as Jessie) Right! My name’s...um...Leonardo DiCaprio! Jessica, but you can call me Jessie and please come in," Brock: Sit a spell. Misty: We’ve used that one before. Brock: Ok...(singing) Beverly Hillbillies.... she said opening the door wider so John could step through. Ash: And letting all the cold air in. He had shoulder length black hair with blue eyes and a small black moustache to match his hair. Brock: He looked like Don Juan, then... "Odd looking guy," Jessie thought to herself. Misty: Oh, yeah, leave your kid entrusted to a odd looking guy! Suddenly, the bell rang again and this time it was Jessie's date. Ash: (as James) Are you my mom’s date? "Ready to go Jess?" Butch asked. Brock: Butch? Isn’t that something you name your bulldog? (All chuckle) "Let me grab my shoes and we can go," she said slipping a pair of red heels on her feet. Misty: That way, if her date goes wrong, she’ll just click her heels and go, “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home...” "Okay, be good James! I'll be home soon," Ash: If you’re good, I’ll give you a treat! she said and Butch closed the door. Brock: (as Butch) Now we’re alone! Misty: I hope you didn’t mean that as a lemon joke. "Your name is John? My name is James," he said extending his hand to him. Ash: John and James? Sounds like the Bible. "Nice to meet you James, I like that name a lot," said John. Brock: ‘Cause it starts with the letter J. James looked at John thoughtfully and finally spoke. Ash: You look like the Thinker! "You know, you look a lot like the picture my mom keeps hidden in her desk," he said. Brock: Oh, you mean that XXX crap? John stood and looked at James, and with a questioning glance Ash: (as John) Where were you on the night of February 3rd? started for Jessie's bedroom. "May I take a look at it?" he asked. Misty: (as John) I’m sure it’s just a kid’s prank...Oh my gosh! James nodded vigorously and bounded off, leading John into Jessie's room. Ash: Here’s my mommy’s bed. She likes to share! "She keeps it in here, she thinks I don't know about it," Brock: Little does James know that John is actually Jessie! (All pause for a minute) All: Ewwwwwww! he said drawing a photograph from a drawer. John took it and studied it carefully. Misty: Hmmm. This has food crumbs all over it! It was a picture of a young girl, wearing a Ash: Tank-top, and sun bathing in Florida. Brock: (as James) Oops, wrong picture... white uniform with a bright Red 'R' emblazoned on the front. Misty: Emblazoned? (Brock types a few things on his arm rest. A beep is heard.) Brock: Guess so. It got past our spell check. She was laughing Ash: Because she was part of the Mafia and she just knocked off somebody. and so was the young man next to her. He was about the same height, with brilliant green Brock: Skin. eyes and shoulder length blue hair, and he was wearing the same uniform as she. Misty: So they were part of the Rambunctious Rabbi’s R Us? "The guy was my mom's old partner, he died before I was born though. Ash: I’m not saying that’s bad or anything... I never knew him, but my mom talks about him almost every day, so he must've been a Brock: Interesting guy if she talks about him every day. Misty: (as Jessie) I remember when he picked his nose and made statues out of his mucus! Ash: (as James, bored-like) I know, Mom. You’ve told me that 65 times. great guy," explained James pointing. "I knew him too, and he was Brock: Such a gullible guy! I mean, I never actually knew he would jump off a cliff, It’s just.... a great guy. Your mother loved him very much, and he loved your mother," Misty: So, when they got together...er...You know the rest. said John staring blankly at the worn photo. "You know that key she wears around her Ash: Battle axe. neck?" said James quietly. John nodded. "It goes to that diary right there, she writes in it Brock: Whenever she’s angry. Misty: (As Jessie, reading) Dear dairy, I feel like killing James. The kid and the guy. every day. She says her old partner gave it to her," Ash: Swing your partner, Dosey-do! said James picking it up. John took it from him and put one hand over his mouth. Brock: Oops, I burped. "Oh god, she still has this?" Ash: She still has that plastic cowpie Frisbee I gave her? It was only a gag gift! he whispered under his breath. James looked at him, a confused look distorting his young features. Misty: Now that has to be something to Jessie. "Uh, let's go do something, huh James?" asked John. Brock: I want to give you a swirlie...yeah, that’s it! "Sure! I've got a great game we can play!" Ash: Let’s play Blue’s Clues! said James dragging John out of Jessie's room into his. Brock: Whew! Three words beginning with J! I’m pooped. "Oh Jessie, when are you going to get over that guy?" asked Butch Misty: Whoa! They’re just in the kitchen! taking a sip from his wineglass. Brock: (as James Bond) Shaken, not stirred. Misty: That’s a martini. Brock: Wine, martini. Is they’re a difference? Misty: Yes, to a grape lovin’ person. Brock: Whatever! "I loved him Butch, I was going to marry him," said Jessie. Ash: But then there was Giovanni, and he was a big jerk... Butch swallowed the mouthful of wine hard Brock: (as Homer) Beeeeeeeeeeellllllllllleeeeeeeeccccccccccchhhhhhhhh! Misty: 20 seconds long! A new record! Brock: (as Homer) mmmm....wine.... and looked at her in disbelief. "Is that why they killed him?" he asked. Ash: No duh! Jessie scowled at him and nodded. Misty: (as Jessie) James used to burp like that.... "I got this back for you," said Butch out of nowhere Brock: Ahh, Hanson! Duck! (All but Misty duck) Misty: I *like* Hanson, thank you very much. (Brock and Ash get up) Ash: Fine. and pushed a ring across the table. Brock: Here, I got that decoder ring for you...Only 3 proofs of purchase, too. It was a diamond engagement ring Misty: Thank you for enlightening us that it was a ring. with the names Jessi and James Ash: James was a polygamist? etched around the outside with a date she did not know. Ash: Must be. Brock: (as Butch) Oops, wrong ring... "This isn't mine! James gave me one like it though, is this your idea of a sick joke?" Ash: (as Butch) Pretty much. Jessie demanded angrily. "No, it's the one that was tied to Misty: His head. I remember it, too! the ribbon on the lily you left at his grave," said Butch. "I didn't even leave a lily, Brock: I left a daffodil! How dare you! roses were his favorite," said Jessie closing her eyes sadly. Ash: Aww man! You got teardrops in the wine! "What a sap! Misty: I was thinking maple syrup was a suitable comeback, but, oh well.... I always knew he was a softy but I never thought Brock: He would actually not hurt the Pikachu! he'd stoop so low! He liked roses and he broke Ash: The mirror because he was so ugly! Team Rocket rules just to be a little All: Midget? romantic!" he said laughing. Jessie gripped the stem Misty: She’s got *another* rose? Gosh dang it... of her wineglass in anger. "You jerk!" she yelled tossing the contents onto Butch's face. Brock: That’s what you get for making my wine all salty! "What was that for?" he asked wiping himself off indignantly. Ash: I hope club soda gets out wine, or your paying the cleaner bill! "For being a total ass hole," she said Ash: Please? Can I have the glasses? Misty: Oh, Ash, it’s just some mild swearing... Brock: Besides, They’re not two different things! An- Misty: Careful. Kids are watching. and left the restaurant. Brock: I knew that Waffle House was too uppity for my tastes! "That must be a ring that bitch Jessibelle left," she said (Ash whistles) Ash: Pleeeeeaseeeee? Misty: No..... as she started her car. Ash: Dang it, I knew that Edsel was a lemon car! Jessie drove home and quietly unlocked the door to find John Brock: Skinny-dipping with James in their hot tub. reading in front of the T.V. Misty: He must be having a hard crossword puzzle... "Hi John, the date didn't really go well," she said sitting down next to him. Ash: (as John) Spill it! Give me all the details! Gimme! "I figured so, the guy's a jerk," he said putting down his book. Brock: (as John) I dated him once too. Jessie sighed and kicked off her shoes. Misty: (singing) Now I got to cut loose. Footloose. Kick off my Sunday shoes. "Is James asleep?" she asked. Misty: Well, considering that he’s six feet under... John nodded and stood up. "We had a great time tonight, and this is for you," he said Brock: So he and James went on a date? Misty: I’m leaving! Brock: Don’t! It’s almost over! Misty: What if I do? Brock: You’ll die because of lack of oxygen. Don’t you ever pay attention to the theme song? (Misty grumbles) Misty: Well, I need to stretch my legs anyway. (Misty gets up but stays in the theater) handing her a small black box. Ash: Wait, this is my black *book*! So sorry.. "I can't accept anything from you! Brock: It’s been flagged! You took it to the bathroom! In fact, you should be the one being paid," she said digging in her purse. Misty: Where’s that piece of gum I chewed on? Oh, goodie, here it is! That should be suitable for payment! John snatched it away from her. Ash: (in a cheesy Mafia voice) This is a stick-up! "No please, open the box," he said a pleading look in his crystalline eyes. Brock: Is that like that one episode of Taz-Mania where it’s so cold that when Taz cries, his tears turn to ice? Ash: Sort of, but not exactly. Jessie sighed and slowly opened the box. Misty: (as Jessie) I know it’s going to be a Dorito or something... Inside was a delicate gold ring with a small diamond on the top. Misty: Gah! This must be the one that that- Brock: Don’t say it. Censor it. Misty: I was going to! Brock: Ok.... Misty: This must be the one that that one lady Erika gave James! "Look at it carefully Jess," said John. Ash: How do you know my name? Oh, wait, I told you it... Brock: Jessie has artificial intelligence. Jessie rolled her eyes Misty: I know that freak John is putting the moves on me, but this is just too far! and pulled the ring from the box. All: POP! She examined it carefully and gasped, half in terror, half in amazement. Ash: So that would be like...Arrhugghuah! Brock: Pretty much. Along the inside if the ring the names Jessie and James Misty: Oh, it wasn’t Jessi like last time, so it must be the right ring. were carved along with a date Jessie knew very well. Brock: 1/1/3000! The date of the apocalypse! "Where the hell did you get this?" Ash: Glasses! I need glasses! Brock: Ah, crap, Ash, just hold on! I’ll tell you when! Misty: (as Stinky) You know, Arnold, Ash whining for glasses really bites! she asked standing up. John peeled off his 'moustache' Ash: Ow! Ooh! That hurts! Ouch! That smarts! Ooow! Brock: Hair club for men before wax. and reached to his eyes. He blinked a few times Misty: Dang it, that pebble’s still in there! and produced two blue contact lenses, All: Oooooooh! and revealed the true color of his eyes, a piercing emerald green. Ash: Now that’s a- Brock: Quiet! Ash: But it’s hard! "It belonged to both of us once Jess," he said looking deep into her eyes. Misty: That’s should teach you to share.... Brock: She already does! Remember, her bed? Misty: Ok, this is it! I’m leaving! Brock: Gah! You’re gonna die! Misty: You really care for me, don’t you? Brock: D’oh! "You sick bastard! Misty and Brock: No, Ash! How dare you do this to me!" she screeched. Ash: She screeches with eagles! "It's me Jessie, I know its' been way too long. Brock: Wayyyyy too long! Ash: But I’d like to keep it that way! But I can explain, when Giovanni found out we were going to get married, Misty: His testosterone cells went crazy and he did the Funky Chicken and he acted like Jimmy Durango all at the same time. he did the drive-by shooting. Brock: (in a cheesy Mafia voice) Take that you “fiancee”! Haahaaahaa! I was fine in the hospital but he called you and told you Misty: To cough up money for the medical bill. I was dead. This was all a sick plot to get us away from each other, Ash: All I wanted was some time apart, not a drive-by shooting! so we wouldn't get married," said John, or was it James? Brock: If the fanfic can’t keep track, how can we? Ash: I thought it was Jake, to tell you the truth. Jessie sat down hard still fingering the ring. "How did you get this? I thought Misty: You were dead! Brock: Jessie’s train of thought is still boarding at the station. they buried it with you," said Jessie. "It was an empty casket. Ash: *I* was already in Heaven. I came back afterward to get it. Brock: This ring has angered the gods! Didn't you ever wonder once why my coffin was closed?" Misty: Should we tell him the truth? (All look at each other and nod, “No.”) Brock: It’s better for him to figure out on his own. asked John. Jessie thought about that for a second, All: Duhhh...... they usually only closed caskets when people's faces had been disfigured. Ash: I guess the threat, “I’ll mess your face up so bad, your mama won’t recognize it!” came true. "It was because...You, weren't in it," whispered Jessie. Misty: This is almost touching! Almost! "Come with me," said James taking Jessie by the hand. Brock: I want you to see my extensive lint collection! He led her to the bathroom and turned on the water in the shower. Brock: Guys...I have a bad feeling.... "I want to show you something," he said slipping her dress off her shoulders. Ash: Gah! Brock: Steady.....steady... Jessie pulled James' shirt off over his head as he undid the clasp on her bra. Brock: This ain’t no false alarm! It’s glasses time! (All get glasses from the box and put them on. They look like Elton John glasses.) Ash: Brock! Brock: Well, it was the only material I could find... Misty: I’ve always wondered...If this fanfic ever made it to the big screen...What rating do you think it would get? Brock: NC-17? Misty: I was thinking R.... Ash: I think it’s done... (All slowly take it off. To their relief, Jessie and James are out of the shower.) She wrapped James in hers Ash: Bra? Ewwww... and kissed him deeply Misty: I think It’s towels. before they heard a knock on the door. Brock: Um, you wanted me to fix the plumbing here? She quickly changed back into her dress and opened the door. Misty: She changed to her dress, flew to the door with a flash, opened the door, and tore up the sash! James was standing there, clad in his pajamas. Ash: Mommy, Can I sleep in your room tonight? "What's going on?" he asked sleepily. "James, I want you to meet you dad," she said Brock: I want you to meet you dad, foo! bringing James to the door. "My dad?" he asked looking at James. "He's mine?" Misty: Can I keep him? asked James looking back at Jessie. "You're the only one it could be," said Jessie Ash: Except that I baby-sat the neighbor kids.... crouching by her son, their son. Brock: His son, their son... "I named him James, after his father," Brock: Duh! she said and James knelt by the little boy. "Hi James, that's my name too." Ash: Let’s go! Brock: That’s it? Misty: Don’t you have compassion for teary moments? Ash: No. Misty: Ok. (All leave theater) (1...2...3...4...5...6) (On the bridge, Brock is at a computer and Misty is watching him.) Brock: Misty, have you checked the History lately? Misty: Why? Brock: Because, there was this one site and it said, “Content Advisor will not let you see this site.” With Level 4 and everything! Misty: I wonder if Ash knows anything about it...ASH! (Ash comes in from left.) Ash: Yea? Brock: Have you been to...Oh...my..gosh! Misty: What? What? (Brock rises from his chair.) Ash: What? Brock: You! You looked at that site! Ash: What are you talking about? Brock: I may not be your mommy, but I can still whoop your butt! Come here! (Brock and Ash run towards right.) Misty: Hmmm.......The rockets are calling...(pushes button) [Rocket HQ] (James is on the screen) [SOL] Misty: Where’s Tweedle--I mean Jessie? [Rocket HQ] James: She’s out eating lunch with Cassidy. So I guess it’s you and me! [SOL] (Brock comes from left and sees James) Brock: Hey, where’s Tweedle--I mean Jessie? [Rocket HQ] James: Har. Har. Anyway... (Jessie comes into view) James: Oh, you’re here early! Jessie: Yeah, yeah, save the small talk! The restaurant is full, my car won’t work, and my makeup is running! What could be worse! (She looks up to see Brock and Misty) Oh. Too late. [SOL] Brock: Funny. [Rocket HQ] Jessie: I thought so. James: So, where’s Cassidy? (Cassidy comes into view) Cassidy: Right here! [SOL] Brock: Hey, James, I bet you liked “Always and Forever” because it had an on-going relationship between you and Jessie! [Rocket HQ] Jessie: WHAT!?!?!?!?!? James: Um...um... Jessie: You said that this is where that Brock guy gets a date! [SOL] (Brock is apparently ticked off while Misty is trying hard not to laugh.) [Rocket HQ] James: Gee, I must’ve got it mixed up with “Two Of A Kind”. Jessie: Well, fix it! (She turns to the camera) Excuse me, while I fix this, “technical difficulty” ...(pushes button) (While the credits roll, James is heard yelling) (A Big thanks to Mystic Vaporeon who let me riff this one. Thank you!) (Stinger) You jerk!" she yelled tossing the contents onto Butch's face.