Legal stuff: This MSTie and the Author Avatars, NeoVid and e X ! l e , are TM and (C) 1999 the co-authors of this MSTie and may not be used without permission. The fic, "The Pokéman," is (C) 1998 MountainDewGuy, and he's welcome to it. All other characters are TM and (C) their respective owners and were used without permission (just try and sue us. What are you going to get?). Nothing in this MSTie was meant to offend anyone, especially MountainDewGuy, no matter how hard it seems like we're trying to. Note from NeoVid: This is my premier MSTie, so the world will finally get to see my brilliance. I'm sorry for having made you all go without it for so long. If you like the MSTie, send encouragement or money to neovid@hotmail.com. If you liked the fic, you're a freak.. And if this messes up the Anipike continuity for everyone, just say I'm an idiot who doesn't know what he's talking about. That's what everyone else says. Disclaimer, er, Note from e X ! l e : I hereby disavow any knowledge of this MSTie! Blame NeoVid; he forced me to do this! [Scene: An even-less-normal-than-usual day at Club Anipike. The New Year's insanity has only been over for a few days, and the club hasn't recovered yet.] The holiday crush had left a serious mark on the Anipike. Despite Washu's decision that no one without a reservation would be let into the Anipike during the New Year's celebration, things had still gotten completely out of control. With the huge crowd that had arrived on New Year's, the security she already had just wasn't enough (although you shouldn't tell Vegeta that). Since everyone at the Anipike was overworked, she had temporarily hired Skuld and Murao Mima to use their robots as extra security (Skuld provided them; Dr. Mima did the programming). Even now, days after the New Year's celebration had ended, they hadn't quite gotten around to shutting all of them down. And that had led to some little problems, even though Dr. Mima had remembered to give the bots the order: "Even if they don't have reservations, Author Avatars are too powerful to throw out!" and had provided the bots with pictures of all the Author Avatars who had ever come to the Anipike. Nobody really expected a first-timer to show up during this mess. The first-timer in question was, well, unknown as NeoVid. He looked fairly normal for an Author Avatar. Black hair slicked back into a ponytail, baggy grey jeans, and the two things that made it obvious he was an Author Avatar: an arrogant smirk, and a perspective fracturing jacket that looked like you were seeing THROUGH him into deep space. Or something. In fact, he would have been pretty impressive if it wasn't for two things: one, he hadn't removed the wire-rimmed glasses which seemed to be fused to his face, and two, he was being dragged toward the door by a pair of Banpei Enforcers. "Somebody really should have told them not to boot out Author Avatars," he thought. "Now, what can I use to... non-violently... solve this problem?" He thought for a moment and came up with one little spell... "CHARBONE." The Banpeis' armor glowed red for a moment, then melted off. The Banpeis dropped NeoVid, sparked for a moment (the robotic version of blushing), and rushed off. Dr. Mima, who had been coming over to shut the things down just a moment too late, asked, "Ehm, what exactly did you just do?" "Simple. I remembered a little something about Banpei Enforcers. They have those RealPersonality modules built in, so even though they're tough, they're also easily embarrassed. By melting their armor off I exposed their nuts and bolts. "So this is the shape the Anipike was left in by the holidays? Pretty sad. DAYS into the new year and things haven't improved. And I'd bet no one's gonna party like it's 1999." Leaving Dr. Mima behind, NeoVid reached inside his head and pulled out a mental note. The mental note started with the headlines, "In case you're dumb enough to forget how to write a MSTie." He skimmed through it, mostly paying attention to one particular bit. "If you're a beginning MSTier, when selecting anime characters to assist in your MSTie, be sure to pick ones that are obscure enough to agree for the publicity. Or you COULD make yourself into an Author Avatar and just intimidate them into starring in your MSTie. Of course, it takes a fairly low sort of person to try that." NeoVid tore up the mental note and tossed it away. "Well," he thought to himself again. "I need to find the right sort of personality types for my MSTie. I'll need one guy to do the low-brow stuff, and one who's a bit more refined. The old Crow/Tom bit... well, where else to find low-brow then..." He looked over at one of the doorways, which had the sign over it: WARNING: DREADED KARAOKE ZONE. "What's more low-brow than karaoke?" He hurried into the zone, trying not to look enthusiastic. An enthusiastic Author Avatar is considered a sign that Something Bad is sure to happen. He heard a familiar voice singing. "Hmm, that's Hiro-kun. He's from a video game, not an anime, but then again, no one cared about that with the Final Fantasy games... hmm, once he gets off stage I'll... ask him nicely to star in this thing." Hiro-kun, half-drunk on stage, was SINGING instead of dancing, and trusting his Groove-tron power to win over the fans. It wasn't working. "I'm the Natural Playboy of town, And I'm blowing every mind, 'Cause I'm one of a kind, And I'm the coolest dancer around, The lights are shining down on me, So everyone can see-" A thrown tomato hit Hiro-kun square in the face. "-WHERE TO AIM!" someone in the audience yelled as the hook dragged Hiro off stage. "Oh... kay. Maybe I should find someone else." Then NeoVid noticed who was providing the music for the drunks on stage: Hamel, from the Violinist of Hamelin (accompanied by his surly crow Oboe). NeoVid ran over to him. "Great news, Hamel. I'm giving you a chance to star in my new fic!" Hamel glared up at him. "Wouldn't you have to have an OLD fic for that?" "Hey, my 'Badly Plotted Tournament Scene' killed 'em on WBS!" "Yeah... all seven of the people who read it. And there's a reason it's called wBS." "Well, with all my... u-uh... experience in writing, even though this is technically my premier, it's sure to be a masterpiece!" Hamel looked very suspicious. "I see..." "If you don't hurry up and agree, the only thing you'll be seeing is the inside of a coffin." "Well..." "Hamel, it's not like I'm giving you a choice here." "Make me." "All RIGHT!!" Hamel shouldered his double bass- um, violin, and started playing one of his marionette mind-control songs. It literally fell on deaf ears as NeoVid shut off one of his senses. "Well, everyone DOES say I'm senseless," he thought. "Hey, I've stopped talking to myself. There's a first." Hamel saw his song wasn't doing anything, sweatdropped, and started playing a bit more desperately. NeoVid got in his face (unlike Hamel, Oboe was smart enough to see the warning sign and flew to cover) and said one simple thing. "Ultimate Impact." With one punch, he sent Hamel flying backward, far enough to break the Superherolympic Bad Guy Put record. "Oboe, I'm giving you a chance NOT to star in a MSTie." "Sounds good to me," said the crow, flying off. NeoVid stomped over to where Hamel had landed, grabbed him by the back of the head, and dragged him off, searching for a third MSTier. NeoVid stopped a waitress who was hurrying by. "Where can I find the cast of Slayers? Oh, nevermind." The waitress he had stopped was Luna Inverse. NeoVid almost instantly found who he was looking for. "Hey, Xelloss-kun! E-BREAK!" Thanks to the E-BREAK attack, Xelloss was instantly knocked out of the teleport spell that he had tried to use to escape after spotting NeoVid. "I know you're just DYING to star in another one of my fanfics." "Well, dying is the right word. But that's what I'd RATHER do than star in one of your fanfics." "Well, actually, it's not a fanfic, it's a MSTie." "And that's supposed to be an improvement? I am not starring in anything written by the man who was nicknamed, 'King Leer.'" NeoVid snarled at him. "I do NOT have a dirty mind." "Two plus two." "Group sex- damn! Okay... if you star in this MSTie, I'll... leave you out of my Slayers Outside crossover," NeoVid told him, while thinking, "Not like I was ever going to get around to writing that..." "Well, if this is what it takes to get me out of another one of your projects, alright. So, what is this fic you're MSTing?" "It's 'The Pokéman,' Book Two, and it's the worst thing I've heard of since 'Blade of the Immoral' or 'Tuxedo Kamen Rider'. Book One got my NAFIIT award, which stands for 'Not A Freakin' Idea In There,' and Book Two is even worse. And now, to my MSTing theatre!" NeoVid jammed his fingers into the fabric of reality and RIPPED a portal open. "Besides, I'm sure the readers-" "There goes the fourth wall." "-will be glad to see a Pokémon MSTie by someone who knows something about Pokémon." Directly inside the portal was a steel door. "Really impressive, isn't it? Don't answer that," NeoVid said. He pushed the door open (with Hamel's face) and ran into a cloaked and hooded figure with glowing yellow eyes and a staff in his hand (which looked much cooler than Xelloss'). "Hey, you were supposed to come here through the Anipike AFTER I got here!" NeoVid reminded him. "Well, I tried to make a reservation, but all I got was this message: 'You've reached Club Anipike, created by Washu, the greatest technological expert in the universe! Please leaveamesageatheeeeee beeeeeeeee...' so I came straight here." NeoVid turned to the two anime characters (Hamel had regained consciousness and was leaning on his violin). "Well, this is my sidekick-" "Exile..." Hamel grunted. e X ! l e whacked him over the head with the Staff of Enlightenment. "It's e X ! l e , not Exile!" NeoVid scratched his head. "How can you pronounce that? And by the way, I'd really rather NOT know why you two know each other." NeoVid focused on Xelloss. "Well, since YOU don't know who he is, this is my sidekick e X ! l e . Since he was du- I mean, nice enough to type this up for me, I'm letting him star in it." "'Letting?!'" e X ! l e shouted. "You MADE me star in this!" "Uh, I think it's time to take your seat now," NeoVid stated, backhanding e X ! l e into the theatre. NeoVid started describing the fic as they went to their seats. "Ahem, as I said before, this is 'The Pokéman, Book Two', from DMG Ice, a good site except for the fanfics. It's at http://members.tripod.com/cgb001/enter.htm. Get your plugs in now, guys." Xelloss thought it over. "The Slayers Trilogy at http://www.pixelscapes.com/slayers. Read it now." "http://www.otaking.org/~sizer/ Go to this Violinist of Hamelin site, dang it!" e X ! l e said. Hamel raised a fist at him. "Don't patronize me! I say, http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/ The Dialectizer will make all of you sound like the morons you are!" After the plugs were out of the way, NeoVid continued. "I went straight to Book Two because it's so much worse than Book One. And you don't have to worry about continuity, because... there isn't any! It hardly connects to the first part of the story at all!" "Always the sign of a great author," Xelloss said. The three of them dropped into their seats in the row in front of e X ! l e . Hamel on the left, NeoVid in the middle, and Xelloss on the right. Hamel set down his size-XL violin on the seat next to him. NeoVid pounded him over the head. "Don't set it on ME, you moron!" So, Hamel put his violin on the OTHER seat next to himself, which happened to be the one directly in front of e X ! l e . e X ! l e made a few attempts to look around it. "Hey, I can't see the screen- oh, I lucked out!" NeoVid settled back into his seat. "I hope you remembered to bring your barf bags, because it's starting." Hamel looked hopeful. "Uh, I left mine in the Anipike. I'll go get it..." "Sit down or I'll make you read this thing twice." Hamel slumped and fell back into his seat. "So, ALL of you forgot your barf bags? Gee, too bad... >:-)" e X ! l e jumped up and began to sing part of one of the theme songs of Bust a Groove. "'Too bad, too bad about it...'" "Save your ObscureCultRefs for when it starts. Try to keep the bile down, 'cause here's the moment you've been dreading..." > The PokiMan X: Oh, he misspelled the title. That's always a promising sign. e: Maybe he was going for sympathy? N: He deserves no sympathy. > (Book Two) > By MountainDewGuy 1998 N: Boy, if he can't even come up with a good alias, he shouldn't be writing fanfics. >Chapter One: >I lifted the heavy branch above me. H: No one told me that this was going to be a lemon fic. >I am Corby Schemeketa, e: Gezundheit. N: How'd he come up with that name? Punching the keyboard? >although no one has called me Corby since I was eleven. N: Possibly since he hasn't had any friends since he was eleven. >Now I'm thirteen and it's just Cor. Why was I lifting a heavy >branch above me? H: I can think of a few reasons. >Because I do this all the time, N: So! He must have taken lessons from Hamel- OW! >I am a special kind of pokémon trainer. X: Ah. That explains why he was in all the remedial classes. >I, instead of sending my pokémon to fight other pokémon, fight them >with my bare hands. X: Hm, he must be a master of kung-fool. e: I'd like to see him fight a Machamp hand-to-hand-to-hand-to-hand. N: Course it would make him look like a total bastard if he tried to catch a Clefairy. Especially if he lost. e: I can imagine the Clefairies slapping him around right now. 'Ooh, you're so naughty! You deserve a drive-by smacking!' N: Now you're ripping off Big Gay Al's lines. Wait a second, e X ! l e 's never watched South Park... >I the first time I did this was two years ago X: Witness the brilliance of his prose. >...a wild geodude. When I fight wild pokemon, I always capture them >and train them, N: What an original idea! >and unless I catch a very special pokémon, I sell it. That, in >addition to my fighting trainer's pokémon for money, is how I make my >money. X: Well, it's good the boy has found a purpose in life. >I don't do it for the money though. H: He must not be that good looking then. N: No pervert jokes! >Mostly I just do it...because. H: I've got a much better reason than 'because,' but... >The Cerulean city pokémon gym leader, Misty, e: I really should continue on that last set of jokes, but how...? N: Boy, it's great to see that my confidence in your MSTie skill is justified... >had kicked my butt with her water pokémon last month, so I was trying >to build up my strength. H: So, you need a bigger muscle, kid? N: No pervert jokes! >Okay, enough branch lifting, I thought. H: That's the first time I heard anyone say that. >I'm going to challenge Misty again. I got on my bike, and started >for Cerulean. "Well, that was mercifully short," said Xelloss. >Chapter Two: Xelloss looked over at NeoVid. "May I ask how many chapters this little disaster has?" "30. By the way, the doors are locked and there's an anti-teleportation field around the theatre." Xelloss and Hamel froze in mid-escape-attempt and went back to their seats. >As Cerulean came into view, so did a young pokémon merchant I had >never seen before. I decided to sell some pokémon. I got up to the >merchant and his weird looking machine on wheels. >e: It's called a 'bike,' you idiot! >When he saw me, his eyes lit up. N: He's a robot? Wait, he's an Author Avatar! X: If I wrote this, I would want to get myself as far away from this story as possible. H: I'm just reading it and I want to get as far away from this story as possible. e: Remember, it's 'fic,' not story. N: Whatever... >"Looking for pokémon," He said. "Because I have rare and strong >pokémon! Blastoise, level 31! N: By the way, it doesn't evolve into Blastoise until level 36. But it doesn't look like MountainDewGuy is going to win the Incoherent Award just yet. >Kadabra, level 46, on sale!" "NO." I said quickly. "I have pokémon to >sell." The boy looked discouraged, but then smiled. I didn't like >that smile. I had seen it before. It meant trouble, this guy was out to >rip me off. I grabbed him by his shirt collar. "Look, kid." I said. >"You're going to give me what these pokémon are worth. Nothing less. H: And you're going to give me what this Pokémon fic is worth: nothing! >I remember that stunt you pulled with my renting your bike for way >too much, two years ago." N: Well, what do you expect? Bikes in that dimension cost a million. e: Hey, I thought Cor said that he never saw this guy before! N: The writer must have bored himself to sleep when he was working on this. >I let go of his collar, and he just looked like a scared little mouse >now. He wasn't going to rip me off now. I held out a sandshrew and an >ekans that I had caught earlier. He took them and and H: I really regret regret reading this. >handed me some money. I counted it, I hadn't gotten ripped off. >Now it was off to the gym. "Somebody has gotten ripped off, and I think it's us," NeoVid said. "e X ! l e didn't say much during that chapter," observed Xelloss. "What do you expect? He can't see the screen. e X ! l e ? e X ! l e ?" "Zzzzzzzzzz..." Hamel picked up his cello-sized violin and broke it in half over e X ! l e's head. "Nobody gets to sleep while the rest of us suffer!" NeoVid pointed to Hamel. "Hey, now that you've broken your violin, your manga can't be called the Violinist of Hamelin anymore! One of your co-stars will have to take it over. I can see it now... 'Magical Holy Girl Flute! Or Tron Bone Zeta!'" "Or better yet," e X ! l e said, looking up. "'The Pianist of Raielin!'" "Raiel?!" Hamel shouted. "That gimp?! If he tries to take over my series, I'll kill him!" >Chapter Three: "Hey, I can see the screen! Ack, I can see the screen!" >There it was, Cerulean city gym with Misty's mascot seel on the front. >Squeaksqueaksqueaksqueak. "Oh, man!" I said. I knew that squeak, N: (Cor) Oh no! Rockets coming after me with Ratatta! >it belonged to the pokémon trainer I had just sold my pokémon to's >bike. I rode faster, on my bike. N: On his bike? I never would have guessed... >He was going to try to challenge Misty. But I would beat him to it. >No, wait, I thought. H: (Cor) Of an opportunity to get out of this fic! >I turned around, and rode straight toward him. We were heading for >each other. N: In slow motion with our hair blowing in the wind. >I was going to force him to play chicken with our bikes. e: And with a little luck, they'll both end up Kentucky Fried. >We got closer, closer, closer... H: This scene belongs in a lemon. >when I realized... that was Cammie! All: And this is definitely going to turn into a lemon. >I saw H: I'd like to use that saw on his branch. >so shocked X: I didn't know anyone in this story owned a Pikachu. >that I didn't remember to swerve...until the last minute, when she >turned the same way as me....and we collided, bikes and bones broken. X: I won... the game... of chicken... urgh... e: Hmm... I should get him a dictionary with the word, 'brake,' underlined. N: I think MountainDewGuy is the one who needs a dictionary. H: Heehee, he broke his bone. Wait, boneS broken? N: Uh, wouldn't that mean she... H: I could swear Oscar is writing this... "Well, that was incredibly pathetic," Xelloss stated. "At least now we have conclusive proof that Mountain Dew causes brain damage." "Lucky for them that they had bikes and not cars," NeoVid said. "Operative words: for them." e X ! l e mused, "Do they even have cars in that dimension? I've never seen one..." "They could have been killed," Hamel said sarcastically. "Then this story couldn't go on any longer." "What a tragedy!" everyone said. Chapter Four: "Maybe we lucked out and he DID get killed," NeoVid hoped. >Our bikes slammed together, and I lay on the ground. e: Is he dead? Is he dead? N: We can only hope. Start praying, folks. e: Considering your other two commentators are demons, you're not saying this to the right people. N: Well, then sacrifice something, guys. e: Uh, Vid? Could you tell Hamel to stop looking at me that way? N: Don't sacrifice my sidekick. He might be useful for something. Though I can't imagine what. >I wasn't hurt too bad, All: Aww... >although I couldn't move my legs to get up. H: Darn. He cut out the lemon scene. >I knew I had tons of health, but, Cammie wasn't so lucky. H: Man, that kid must be good. N: NO PERVERT JOKES! (*WHAM*) >She was unconscious. H: Man, he really was good! And we missed it- OW! >I took out the pokéball that held my ivysaur. "Ivysaur, GO!" I said, >there was a flash of reddish light, and there was ivysaur. N: Really? What a huge surprise! >"Look, ivysaur," I said. "I'm not hurt bad, but she--" I pointed to >Cammie "--is a different story. I want you to use your leech seed. >Ivysaur looked at me like I was a little crazy. X: Hmm, that was quite a long sentence. e: It made as much sense as everything else in this story. N: Story? Where? >"Ivysaur!!" It said in protest, but I then said, "Ivysaur, do it. >Now. H: So this IS a lemon story. >Heal Cammie." Ivysaur shot what looked like three seeds from its >plant, H: GAK! (He would have gotten out more, but NeoVid's hands were wrapped around his throat.) N: I'm trying to get a reputation as a clean writer, dickhead! >and they hit me on the side of my neck. They seemed to burn into my >skin, as if with some kind of acid, and it felt like it was somehow >hot, like it was burning me, only worse. N: Corby's never heard of a hospital, has he? e: He has, but he just wants to do it the He-man way! N: Yeah, always give the hero a chance to do something incredibly stupid and life-threatening. X: Of course. Do you want to IMPROVE his chances of survival? All: NO! >I saw ivysaur hold Cammie up in front of it with its vines. I knew >why. The leech seed would sap me of health, and then the health would, >in an actual form, come out of me, and into ivysaur. but since it was >holding Cammie in front of it, my health would go into Cammie. I closed >my eyes. I didn't want to see my own health come out of me. (Hamel considered saying something, but NeoVid was watching him with a homicidal expression.) >I felt it sap my health. It felt horrible. I felt it again and >again, and I started to drift away into unconsciouness... H: I... can't... resist... yeah, that's what always happens to me after I get my health sucked out. N: Why do I even try? >After a while I heard Cammie saying something....but it felt so far >away...and the leech seed kept sapping me... N: Oh my god! They killed Corby! e: YEAH!... I mean, you bastards! "Isn't it over yet?" whined Hamel. Just... try... to take it," NeoVid choked out. Then e X ! l e happened to notice Xelloss. "Hey, you're not even twitching! How are you able to stand this stuff?" Xelloss looked back at him. "Ah. That is a secret." Everybody groaned. "You just wait for opportunities to say that, don't you?" >Chapter Five: >I heard someone call my name... N: (McCoy) He's alive, Jim. >but it was like it was far away....like I didn't really care... N: Just like the rest of us. >wait a minute, where am I? Oh well, it didn't matter. Not...matter... >hey, everything is all black everywhere, and also some colors I have >never seen. Wait! New colors, normal colors. fading in. It was >Cammie colors! N: Those sentence was unpossible. X: Dr. Thinker, I presume? >Fading in...faded Cammie...wait, Clear! I can see Cammie now! >Hmm...what am I doing? Lying down. In a hospital...why? I'm not hurt. H: That would make him the only one. >I sat up, and I suddenly felt like I was going to get sick all over >the bed. H: While the rest of us felt like we were going to get sick all over the floor. >Oh, yeah. I AM hurt. N: There IS some justice in the world. >I laid my body down on the bed again. Then it all came back to me. >Bikes. Squeak. Crash. Cammie! Hurt. Ivysaur, Go! Leech seed. Faint. X: Ramble, blather. Drone. Bore, zzzzz... >And then here. "Cammie?" I asked. "Yeah?" "Uh, why am I here?" e: Uh, because you're hurt? H: (Cammie) Well, we had such a great lemon scene that the doctors thought that you would never recover! > "Well..." she replied, "We crashed our bikes, and I fainted for a >little while. Then I woke up, and I recognized ivysaur's leech seed >attack, and realized that you had told it to do that. Thanks, that was >pretty brave. X: (monotone) And you can tell she's extremely grateful. >And so then I saw the leech seed hurt you a few more times, and you >fainted. I told ivysaur to get you help, so it picked you up with its >vines, and I saw it bring you back to the pokémon center. N: Well, someone in this fic has a brain, and it's Ivysaur! >I didn't understand that at first. But then I thought that >ivysaur probably remembered being healed there. Once I had enough >strength, I went there too. I asked about you, and they brought me >here. It's a good thing those doctors could help humans, too. X: No, it's not that. They just couldn't tell he was human. N: That's what happens when the writer identifies too strongly with his character. > But there's a problem. You will never walk again." NeoVid used his Major Irony(TM) voice. "Gee, that wasn't a transparent, lame, obvious, etc. excuse for a dramatic moment, was it?" "After the skill he's demonstrated so far? Never!" Xelloss replied. "This goes beyond pathetic. I should track down whoever wrote this disasterpiece and give him a piece of my mind." "To replace the one he lost before he wrote this fic?" "Exactly." >Chapter Six: >"What about you?" I asked. "They said that I was fine. nothing bad." H: Besides this story. e: FIC, not story! (*BONK*) >"Okay, good." I said. Then I took out one of my pokéballs. "Go, >ivysaur!" and there was bulbasaur. e: I never heard of a Pokémon devolving before. X: But we now have many fine examples of Pokémon fics devolving. N: What do you mean, 'fine?' Fine cures for insomnia? Or possibly constipation? >"Ivysaur, oustide," I told it. Ivysaur understood, picked me up with >its vines. Then it walked me out of the room, e: Sounds like Ivysaur's walking a dog or something. H: Yeah. This fic. >and through the hall. Once out there, I saw a pokémon doctor. "Hey, >you're that kid!" he said. X: It's good to see he knows so much about his patients. >"You aren't supposed to be out of that room!" I didn't do anything, >but ivysaur stopped. "Hey," I said. "Ivysaur, keep going." H: Boy, he just keeps missing chances for a good lemon. N: No such thing as a good lemon. H: Says you! I read this great one by this guy named Hachi Machi... N & e: DON'T MENTION THAT FIC AROUND US!!! >And so it did. As I went through the center, a lot of pokémon doctors >tried to stop me. But I just went right past them. e: A whole team of doctors couldn't stop one walking Ivysaur... N: Good thing he wasn't riding an Onix. H: Yeah, then something interesting might have happened. >And finally, I got outside. "Bulbasaur, set me down." and it did. N: He was let down... just like everyone reading this fic. >I took out bulbasaur's pokéball, and said "Bulbasaur, return." And I >was alone outside. "Pidgeotto, go!" there was pidgeotto. "Pidgeotto, to >the seafoam islands." e: Did I miss something? What's he going to the Seafoam Islands for again? X: He had left behind his Plot Device (TM). >Pidgeotto grabbed the back of my shirt with its talons, and flew me >off the ground. N: Ahhh, the only way to fly. e: I prefer to fly by Cannon Travel. "We sure are slamming on MountainDewGuy a lot," e x ! l e commented. "Vid, did you ever get his permission to write this?" "Uh, well... bad authors are like slugs. They're a lot more interesting after you throw salt on them." Xelloss smiled. "And that, class, is the way we dodge a question." >Chapter Seven: >I saw cities and forests as I flew. e: We're riffing it so much that nobody's gonna be able to pay attention to the story. N: Shouldn't they thank us for that? >I couldn't see what made one building different from another, from up >here it was just roofs. Sometimes pidgeotto flew low enough so I >could see people clearly...all I could see was their heads, and let me >tell you, there's a lot of bad haircuts out there. X: Finally, a joke. I think. N: Joke? Where? X: The joke calls himself MountainDewGuy. >I was then over Saffron City. I could see a grocery store down >there... I could get something to eat..."Pidgeotto, land!" I said. >once I got really close to the ground, people started to notice me. e: It's a bird! H: It's a plane! N: No, it's a pathetic fanfic character! >Apparantly, some of them had seen a flying pokémon which had been >taught the fly technique before, because only a few freaked out. e: He finally puts in a good explanation and it wrecks a potential joke! >Before I was on the ground, I released ivysaur down there. I guess it >knew the drill by now, H: And it braced itself for a lemon scene... >because as soon as it was released it grabbed me out of the air with >its vines. I pointed my pokéball at pidgeotto... "Return!" e: Pidgeotto flatly refused. >...pidgeotto did. There I was, being held with a ivysaur's vines. >"Ivysaur, go in there," and I pointed to the grocery store. I instructed >ivysaur to go through every isle X: I sea he used his spellchecker that thyme. N: We're waste-deep in this fic. H: This ain't noh drama. e: At least we're making some d'oh. N: I think that's our Maine problem. X: What a tail of whoa! e: I feel like a badly-made sandwich. N: Huh...? e: I'm in the wrong roll. ^_^ N: I think we should give up now, guys. That last one wasn't well-bread. e: But humor is good for the sole! N: From now on I'm going so low. >so I could pick out whatever I wanted. H: He thought with a hand down his pants. N: NO PERVERT JOKES!!! (*POW*) >I read the sign above the isle. X: He got to the Seafoam Islands already? What did I miss? N: If you missed anything in this story, you should be grateful- Fic, fic! Damn. >It said "Junk food". Ivysaur sure knew what he liked. As I went >through it I picked some cookies, some potato chips, and a bag of cheez >puffs. H: If we're REALLY lucky, he'll have a heart attack during this thing. >We went through all the rest and I chose various other foodstuffs. I >went up to the checker and he immediately screamed in terror. N: (checker) A... a customer! What do I do?! >I looked around, expecting to hear team rocket's "Prepare for trouble, >make it double," motto. X: Does Team Rocket actually appear in this? N: No. That might make it entertaining. >didn't see any uniforms with big R's on the front, H: Heehee, big arse on the front. N: Well, they'll get that one in England. >I just asked him what he was so scared of. "I...h-hate....po--poke--I >HATE POKéMON!" H: And after this fic, so will everyone else! >Oooh...this guy had poképhobia or something....I just stuffed all the >food in my H: I've got some good suggestions. >backpack, and threw onto the counter what I'm sure was more than >enough money to cover it. N: Since he's making the poor guy star in this fic, he better get something to make up for it. "Must... remain... conscious... or Hamel will kill me!" e X ! l e struggled to say. "Wouldn't that be an improvement?" Vid asked. >Chapter Eight: >I walked out of the store, and had pidgeotto fly me to the seafoam >islands. I landed there, H: Duh, where? He didn't make it clear enough. >and I saw just a lot of ground, and some palm trees here and there, >and further away a cave. X: He's really working to make this interesting, isn't he? >I had heard many stories about that cave...and not to mention the >possibility of being lost... X: Just like the plotline. >I decided not to go in there. I went under one of the palm trees, and >there I started to stew. e: I didn't know they had cannibals on Seafoam Island. N: You have got to finish playing through that game, don't you? >If I couldn't use my legs anymore, how could I continue fighting >pokémon? N: Uh, the NORMAL way? >I couldn't. It was impossible. H: He has as much imagination as his writer, at least. >This was what I wanted to do, for as long as I could. e: Uh, fighting pokémon or not being able to walk? N: Or possibly stewing. H: I really should have a lemon joke ready right now. >It was how I made my money. H: Hmm... nah. >Now what will I do? How will I make money? I paused my deep thoughts e: (Cor) By pressing the 'pause' button located on my head. X: These qualify as 'deep thoughts' now? I would hate to see 'shallow...' N: Aren't shallow thoughts what we've been seeing during this entire fic? H: And we hate it, don't we? All: YESSS!!!! >and zipped open my H: Finally, it gets interesting! >backpack, H: AWWWW! >and took out a deli sandwich e: By the way, where did he get a deli sandwich? He didn't buy it at that store. I can imagine his sandwich now... such an appetizing shade of grey... N: Ah, the legendary taste of Grey Poupou mustard! H: Hey, I was supposed to get the lowbrow jokes! >and the cookies I bought at the store. I stopped and took a e: Flying... N: ...demonstration of where this fic came from. >bite of my X: I don't want to know... >sandwich once in a while, and continued. All: With his branch lifting! >Having a disability like this sure kept me from a whole lot of things, H: Not enough things. This fic hasn't ended. >not just my special way of being a pokémon trainer. Would I ever get >the use of my legs back? I sat there, a bite of H: ...Nah. >sandwich in my mouth, and holding a cookie in mid-air. That when I >noticed a tiny rodent pokémon trying to get at the cookie. N: This completely readable. >"Tatta!" it said. I was holding the cookie just above where it could >reach. The rattata was attempting to jump up in the air and grab the >cookie, unsuccessfully. I broke off a little piece, All: ... >and gave it to the rattata. H: O-kay. That's going a bit too far, even for me. >It sat down and munched contentedly. N: (Beavis) Heheheh, heheheh, MountainDewGuy's got, like, a dirty mind or something. e: MountainDewGuy's the one with a dirty mind? X: Shifting the blame. A favorite pasttime everywhere. >I gave it another when it was done. N: Blech...I'm stopping right there. H: (Cor) Don't... stop. Don't... stop. Don't stop. >I thought I had gained the rat's trust, and I picked it up, put it in >my lap, and petted its silky fur. H: (Butthead) Huhuhuh, huhuhuh, he stroked it in his lap. >"Rattata," it sighed peacefully. This was a very nice distraction >from my current problem. X: Oh, HE gets a distraction from his problem, but the rest of us... Hamel patted NeoVid and e X ! l e on their shoulders. "See how much more fun life gets when you let go of your morals?" NeoVid glared at Hamel. "Move that hand or lose it, scumbag." "eek." >Chapter Nine: >Rattata ran a few feet from me, toward the cave, and then back to me. >It did this a few times, and kept saying "Tatta! Tatta!" X: 'Ta ta!' The Rattata ran off and I never saw it again. N: Pretty lame, Xelloss. >"Oh, no way, Tatta. I'm not going in that cave." e: Good. Or else it might advance the plot. >Then it went up to me, bit my H: I really should know better by now than to think that it could get interesting... >shoe H: I knew it. >and pulled it off! "Okay, Tatta, I'll play your game." > e: So how's this game played? You bite off my shoe and I bite off yours? >"Tatta," it replied happily, slightly muffled by my shoe. As I chased >after it, N: Uh, HOW exactly when he can't move his legs? H: After that lemon scene, maybe he's pole vaulting. >sometimes it slowed down, and I almost got my shoe. But it always >sped back up again. e: I can imagine him now, dragging himself on his face. >I got to the entrance of the cave, and tatta knew I was afraid to go >in there, so slowly, it walked in there. X: And then Cor went in there, and saw everything in there... H: And we were bored to death by everything in there... >Okay, I thought, I'll go in, but I'll make sure to keep the entrance >in sight. H: Yeah, that's sure to work almost as well as dropping a trail of bread crumbs. >I saw tatta go through a tiny hole in the stone wall. I knew that it >wanted me to follow. I took out the geodude I had caught two years >ago, and told it to break a hole where that smaller hole was. I went >inside it, H: I- N: Don't start that again. >and there was a huge room in there. And inside it, there was a ten >foot by ten foot building, obviously for pokémon, N: Even though about twenty Pokémon are over ten feet tall... >and on it there was a sign that said "Seafoam Islands Gym. e: Hmm, what badge would you get from the Seafoam Islands Gym? N: The WORTHLESSBADGE? H: The CRAPBADGE? X: The BADWRITINGBADGE? e: The SEAFOAMBADGE? N: No, if it made sense, it wouldn't fit in with the rest of the fic. >Leader: Tatta, the lightning quick rat." Xelloss thought for a moment. "I get the impression that there may be a PLOT to this thing." >Chapter Ten: NeoVid shook his head. "Nah, that could never happen." >I looked at Tatta, then at the tiny pokémon gym. I couldn't believe it. These pokémon were intelligent! H: Unlike the people! >Kind of like the zubat and golbat two years ago, I reflected. X: What DID happen in book one? N: You want to read it? X & H: NOOOOOO!!! >They could write in english, could they speak english, H: Even though the guy who wrote this can't do either... >like the zubat? No. At least not tatta. "Tatta," it said proudly. >"Tat...tatta....b--build...Tatta build....Poké...Tatta...mon >gym. Tatta!" It said. X: This... fic... is... tattered! >Okay, so I was wrong about that. Now Tatta...that pokémon was SMART. It could write English, e: Even though Pokémon is originally a Japanese game. N: Futago Irando Jiim. Readaa... Aw, forget it. >like on the sign, and it could speak, although it was obviously hard >for it. And build. Build gyms. "Bell! Weepinbell!" I heard from >inside the gym. There must be a match going on between a weepinbell, and >another pokémon. X: Observe his clever deduction. > I walked over to the gym. "What?" I said to myself. "I...I can...walk. >I can, I CAN, I CAN, e: I think I can, I think I can... >I CAN WALK, I CAN WALK!" H: THIS FIC CAN'T! THIS FIC CAN'T! NeoVid used his Major Irony (TM) voice again. "This fic doesn't suck! This fic doesn't suck!" Hamel cringed. "Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, he's coming up with a plot!" >Chapter Eleven: >I COULD walk. I had even walked over to the cave with out N: Good thing he remembered to bring his out. >noticing it. H: So he can walk all of a sudden? M.D.Guy, shove it up your plothole. N: Wouldn't that risk brain damage? >I...could fight pokémon again. Curiosity once again took control. X: And let's hope curiosity kills the cat. >What was in the gym, fighting weepinbell? The gym was big enough to >hold me, but I had to squeeze in the opening. What I saw made me do >a double-take. e: And a facefault, and a sweatdrop... >"Holy dragonair..." N: I always wondered what religion was like in that dimension. >There was a Mewtwo in the gym, sitting next to the fainted weepinbell. >"Don't be alarmed," it said. "I'm not what you think I am. H: So he's NOT a crappy fanfic character. >Mewseven, actually." I tried to talk, to move, but couldn't in my shock. >Mewtwo was evil. Can't believe them to be "Mewseven". And what happened >to mewthree? Four? Five? Six? "Grass, water, fire, electricity," it >said, in answer to my thoughts. This evil cat could read my thoughts! N: Would he feel safer if it was an evil bunny reading his thoughts? >"Of course I can," it said. "Don't you know anything? All: Take a wild guess! >And I AM mewseven, not evil, and just because my name has mew in it >doesn't mean I'm a cat. The cat has been near sucked out of me H: I've- URKKK! N: I told you NOT TO START THAT AGAIN!!! >with the gene-splicing from mew, two, and so on. I taught Tatta to >talk. Named it Tatta because it hardly ever says its whole name. >Strange purple pokémon." "Strange pathetic Pokémon fic." Xelloss commented. "This story-" "FIC!!!" e X ! l e reminded NeoVid calmly. (*BONK*) "(Ow) Was a lot less painful when there WASN'T a plot. At least then you knew why it wasn't going anywhere." Hamel watched NeoVid darkly. "I'd be going somewhere if you hadn't locked the doors." e X ! l e looked up. "Quiet, everyone, it's starting again." "DAMN!" everyone responded. >Chapter Twelve: >I believed it. Wait, no, I didn't! H: Even the characters don't believe how bad this fic is? >"You're working your psychic pokémon weirdness on me, I'm not going to >believe you!" "No, you have to have to have faith in me, N: (Cor) I gotta gotta gotta get out of this fic! >I need a pokémon trainer like you to help me. To defeat the others." >Okay_now H: Okay_now@teamrocketmail.com >what should I believe? e: (Mewseven) Everything I tell you to. N: (Mewseven) And you can trust me on that! >"Hey, what about that weepinbell? Only someone evil would kill a weak >pokémon in cold blood." "Are you kidding? That was just a friendly >match. And weepinbell isn't dead. Just fainted. I am stronger, and I >won." X: 'Me Mewseven. You Cor.' H: 'You suck.' >"Okay, that's credible, I guess. I…believe you. But I thought this >was Tatta's gym. If it is, you should be fighting tatta." Then I noticed >Tatta at my feet. N: (Cor) And the little bastard had eaten my shoe! >"Tatta," it said in protest. "Kitty borrow gym. Call "Rent". For >shiny circle coin. Tatta. Can spend, tatta. N: (Cor) And you better replace my shoe with it! >Can buy nice things. Tatta, that what Kitty say." Mewseven started to >get this pink and blue psychic stuff around its face. Maybe that's >psychic blushing, I don't know. "Tatta, I've told you before, I'm not >a 'Kitty'." H: I think he'd rather be called a 'pussy.' >"But, Kitty, you, like meowth. H: And not in a platonic way... N: I didn't know you knew any words that long. H: What? 'Way?' >Kitty. Not bad rocket meowth. Good Kitty." e X ! l e groaned. "Why am I wasting time on THIS? I could be working on my Fire Emblem FAQ. By the way, when I'm done, you'll be able to find it at http://www.game- OW!" NeoVid clubbed him over the head with a seat ripped out of the theatre floor. "NO PLUGS!!!!" >Chapter Thirteen: "Did you know that using more than two exclamation points is a sign of insanity?" Xelloss pointed out. >"Cor," Mewseven said, N: 'Cor.' That's what I'd say about this thing. e: Well, like you said before, they'll get that one in England. >"I came here because you were going to come. H: Finally, back to the lemon stuff. N: Guess he's not done with his branch-lifting. >I need your help, to defeat the grass, fire, water and electricity >Mews. You will need to catch…" "Fire, Rock, Grass, and Ground type >pokémon to defeat them," I cut it off. H: And painfully ended the lemon scene. >I knew by heart the pokémon types, which is good against which. "Very >good, Cor. I am impressed. Now go. Return here when…" "What?" I >asked. "What is it?" e: (Mewseven) It just hit me how bad this fic is! >"There…there is another human coming. And a pokémon. You'd better go >outside. It's best if no one knows of me. If word gets to the >Rockets at Silph Co. that I've escaped, N: It's not Silph Co. that engineered the Mews. It was Cinnabar Lab. e: Well, he's gonna have to try harder than that to beat Dr. Thinker for the Incoherent Award. >Then…" I got the picture. N: Fortunately it was wallet-sized. > I ran outside. And there came Cammie, being flown by a pidgey! A small realization hit NeoVid. "Hey, Xelloss didn't say anything during that chapter." "It was simply that I didn't want to ruin my enjoyment of the best chapter in this fic." "What do you mean 'enjoyment?' What was good about that thing?" "Didn't you notice it was... it was... short!" "Now THERE'S an improvement!" >Chapter Fourteen: >She landed, and I asked her why she was here. "I had to see what was >with you, It obviously was something about your not walking…" X: Amazing! How insightful! >and she looked down, H: Preparing for the next lemon scene. >"because of your legs…that got broken…that you're standing on right >now…" I smiled. "Yeah, I can walk. I see you caught a pidgey, and >taught it fly." H: If they wanted to make this a lemon, she would have had to teach it 'open fly.' >"No, I didn't. Remember that last time we met? I left with my onix >and right when I got back to Cerulean, there were police officers waiting >for me. e: 'Freeze! Step away from that Pokéball!' H: 'Keep your hands where we can see them and don't start a lemon scene!' N: Yeah. Police officers would rather deal with a little girl than dangerous criminals any day! >They made sure I wouldn't be a legal trainer for a long time. X: However, with Cor, they knew he would never deserve to be called a trainer anyway. >Training with out N: Out must be a pretty good trainer. >a license is a very bad thing in the eyes of the law. That's what >they told me. Those jerks don't know what it's like to train a pokémon, >to see it evolve…I rented the pidgey from a merchant. You can rent >pokémon with "fly" to travel fast." N: Much better way to travel than, say, a PLANE! e: We could luck out and they could be sucked into a jet intake! >"Wait, Cammie, I need your help to help someone else. H: Hmm... nah. >I need to use Onix. And you've gotta catch a ground pokémon. I don't >care if it's illegal. e: (Cor) Because YOU would be going to jail for it, not me. >This is more important. MUCH more." "Wake me up when they get to the important part," e X ! l e said. "So, you're ready for the eternal sleep then?" NeoVid asked him, pointing out Hamel. >Chapter Fifteen >"Bye, Cammie," I said. "I've got pokémon to catch too, and make sure >to catch a strong ground pokémon." And I took out a pokéball. H: I don't think he deserves those balls. >"Pokéball, GO!""Pidgo!" "Okay, Pidgeotto, we need to capture a fire >pokémon. Take me to a good fire pokémon hang-out." e: And Pidgeotto took them to the Fire Pokémon Bar. N: It would have been a bar and grill, but these ARE fire Pokémon... >"You too, pidgey," Cammie said. Our flying pokémon took us off >Seafoam. I could see nothing but sea e: 'I went out to the sea sea sea To see all I could see see see But all that I could see see see Was only the deep blue sea sea sea.' Hmm, did I get the song right? N: I know I got this one right: 'Wookin pa nub in all thuh wong praces...' >in the direction we were going, and Seafoam in the back. I was >getting bored. Pretty soon all around was water, and no Seafoam >anywhere. X: Seafoam only occurs where waves hit the shore, so M.D.Guy actually got a fact right. H: I'm sure it'll never happen again. >"Pidgeotto," I broke the silence, "I'm getting bored. N: Join the club. > Let's do that thing I taught you." H: Finally, a lemon scene. >Pidgeotto went down, and down, H: Alright! N: Well, at least I don't have the dirtiest mind around. >still holding me by the shirt. Finally it went so low that my feet >touched the water. Water sprayed all around, and it was like I was >water skiing. Cammie did this too, and we water skied H: Better change your shorts or you'll get skied marks. >until I started to smell something burning. H: I said you should change your underwear, kid. >I noticed smoke coming from a volcano that just came into my vision. >I had Pidgeotto drop me, and I swam the rest of the way to the Fiery >Island. >Chapter Sixteen >Cammie was there, waiting for me. "Cammie," I said, e: (Cor) Blow me. H: OW! Hey, Neovid, e X ! l e 's the one who said it, not me! N: Like I'm gonna believe that for a second! (*WHACK*) (e X ! l e whistles, um, innocently) >and took my arbok out of its pokéball, "Follow arbok underground, and >catch a dugtrio, or some ground pokémon." "Wait!" she said. >"Remember? I don't have any pokémon. e: (Cor) Wuss! Just fight them yourself, like I do! >I could get my onix back, X: Wouldn't she need her Onix front too? > but I'd have to go to the forest I released it in, fly there, and >that's take time…" X: Yes, that's can be very needy. N: You never want to neglect your that's. >"Here," I tossed her a pokéball, "Take my strongest. N: Giving away your balls. That's very Freudian. H: Well, it's not like HE was using them. e: She's obviously more of a man than he is. >It has leech seed, poison powder, vine whip, and it's strongest, solar >beam. N: Telling her to go underground with a Pokémon that has SOLAR BEAM, which is powered up by sunlight. Hmm... e: Well, if they dig a really big hole... H: I only know about one really big hole and he's called MountainDewGuy. >It's one I'm using in the big battle." N: THE BIG BATTLE XIV (TM), now on Pay-Per-View! e: Not Paper View? N: No. The Author Avatar Association has a monopoly on that. >Then I tossed her two more pokéballs, and told her that she'll only >need one with ivysaur at her side, and the other was a special pokéball. >"It can't capture, but it can tell levels. X: It's known as a 'CONTRIVANCE BALL.' >Aim it at the pokémon, press the button, and it shows the level of the >pokémon, as a projection, right on the it." H: Hey, you bastard! Get your projection off my it! >"Cool," she said, "Like those things on that show Dragonite Sphere X, >that you put on your head." H: Putting a Dragonite's sphere on your head, heehee... >"Yeah." I said. "Don't capture anything less than level eighty. >Arbok, underground!" Cammie followed it. It was when Mewfour exploded >from the volcano in the middle of the island that my legs gave out, and I >fell like a paralyzed geodude to the ground. NeoVid yelled at no one in particular. "This is an outrage!!!! He's taken these great two-dimensional Pokémon characters and wrecked them!!!! He made them one-dimensional!!!!" Xelloss whispered to e X ! l e . "Is he on any medication?" "No. No matter how hard we try to make him take it..." >Chapter Seventeen >The fire cat landed about twenty feet away from me. N: Lucky it isn't a Thundercat. Then we'd be in for a REALLY bad fic. >It looked like mewseven, only when it moved, embers fell from its body >onto the ground and burned, sometimes igniting dead, blackened plant >life H: Mmm... blackened plant life... I love Cajun. >around it. Its tail was made completely of fire, and its whole body >was flaming, H: As it did a Big Gay Al impression... e: Well, someone will get that. N: Yes, everyone but you. >but the fire that burned in its eyes was the worst of all. N: Ain't he cute? All: Awwwww... e: We shouldn't have riffed during the description. It messed up that last joke. X: Well, since we can't have quality, we're going for quantity. >The heat that emitted from it made the acid from the leech seed I had >used after the bike crash felt like it was as much on fire as mewfour >was. N: Why hasn't he credited Dr. Thinker as his co-writer? >I knew it was looking for me. The flames on its head got huge... N: DON'T EVEN START, HAMEL!!! H: ...urgle... >it was using its psy power. It closed its eyes, and began to slowly >walk toward me. X: Closing your eyes... always extremely intimidating. N: Yeah. All he needs to be really scary is one of those canes with the red tip. >It got right next to me, aimed its closed eyes at me, and opened them. "That chapter was SHORT!" "Excellent!" "What a masterpiece!" >Chapter Eighteen >"Ah," N: Hey, he stole Xelloss's line. >it said, "How ironic that looking for pokémon to enslave and to >defeat us, I found you, e: Wait. It was looking for Pokémon to enslave and defeat itself? N: I say that this fic is self-defeating. >and somehow blocked off your heal waves, H: 'Somehow?' Even it doesn't understand this fic? X: Does anyone WANT to understand this fic? >leaving you helpless to The Mew's power. We will destroy you like we >will all other pokémon trainers." What? I thought. What are "heal >waves"? X: They're a mediocre plot device. >and they called themselves "The Mew"? e: 'We are the Mew. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.' N: ... ...I can't believe you made a reference to something popular. e: Well, there's a first time for everything. >I have to get up and fight it! H: So he can't get it up? N: I should give up right now... >That's what I do, fight pokémon...I fight pokémon... X: He does? I haven't seen any evidence of it. >what about geodude? It was very strong. I had kept it from evolving >because I liked it how it was. N: Say it and die, Hamel. >I wouldn't have a chance...It had to take mewfour by surprise. I felt >a rumbling. N: (Cor) I should have had more than that grey sandwich today... >I panicked. What if the volcano is going to erupt? e: That's what happens after you eat a grey sandwich. >It would destroy one mew...but me, too, I thought grimly. H: Yeah, that would be such a...err, BAD thing... X: No one would want that! N: Just call me No one. >Then, not ten feet behind mewfour, arbok came out of the ground! This >was just the distraction I needed. I send out geodude. N: And now he's time travelling. > What luck! It landed right on mewfour's head. "Geodude, do... >something!" e: When is MY Geodude gonna learn that? N: Like I said before, you have GOT to play through that game! >"geodude!" it said, and started to pound on mewseven's head. No! >That was probably a normal-type attack! N: At least something in this fic is normal... e: Pound IS a normal-type attack! He got two facts right in eighteen chapters! N: Well, that's more than some Oscars- er, authors I can name... >No good against fire. "No, geodude! a rock attack!" Geodude >immediately went to find H: A heavy metal band. >a big rock. But when it came back, it didn't have the advantage of a >surprise attack. Mewfour let out the strongest fire spin I had ever >seen, N: Which still wouldn't be very impressive since FIRE SPIN is such a wimpy attack. >melting the rock out of geodude's hands! Just then Cammie popped out >of the hole N: I told you not to say anything, Hamel. >arbok had made. "Hey, Corby," she said. "The funniest thing happened >down there..." All: And OF COURSE he didn't show it. >then she noticed mewfour. "I guess you have a better story N: Story? Where? e: FIC!!! >to tell than I do," she commented. e: (Cor) Actually, I don't, but since I'm the main character, you won't get to tell your story anyway. N: (Cammie) I'm narrating Book 3! I'll show you! >Chapter Nineteen >Mewfour spun around. Geodude saw this, and got a bunch of rocks >ready. "Another pokémon trainer, as you call yourselves. A better >word may be slavedrivers. H: Just like the people who make us MSTie these things- URK! >or maybe--" Geodude tossed a first rock, then a second, making >mewfour fall to the ground. mewfour got ready another fire attack, N: I just remembered! When Mewseven was listing the other Mew, wasn't Mewfour the water one? X: I suppose MountainDewGuy knew better than to read his own fic. >but geodude hit mewfour in the head with a rock. Mewfour hardly >flinched, and got up by jumping twenty feet in the air. Geodude went >up with it, H: I just can't help myself... Geodude went down with it... N: How can Geodude jump? It doesn't have legs. e: Maybe Cor gave it SKY ATTACK? N: So, he has a Game Shark for his dimension? Too bad he hasn't found the trick for God mode yet. >and punched it even higher. It was falling to the ground, and >geodude punched it from above. mewfour hit the ground with a rumble. >Cammie took out the level pokéball, and shined it on the fallen mew's >back. At first it was over a hundred, but was actually falling! I >had never seen a pokémon's level actually fall before. X: Though I have seen a Pokémon author's IQ fall before. > Mewfour got up slowly. "I will destroy you first of all. Just wait >till the battle starts." N: (Mewfour) That reminds me... I still have to sign up for Pay-Per-View! >It flew into the sky, smoking like a fire about to burn out. "Burn out. That's what I'm going to do soon," NeoVid managed to say. "At least I HOPE it's soon." >Chapter Twenty >"What exactly happened while I was gone?" Cammie asked. "Well, you >didn't miss much. Even though it's a fire pokemon, it still has some >psychic powers. Not enough to read people's minds with, though. X: Or possibly, it DID read Cor's mind and got nothing. >Let's go. We don't have anything to do here. You did catch that >ground pokémon, right?" "Well, that's the funniest thing. N: Funniest? In this? That's not saying much. >I was fighting a dugtrio and send out ivysaur. e: They're time travelling again! N: Whoaaaaaa... you're, like, weirdin' me out, dude... >But what came out was this ratatta! It kicked butt, N: With its specialty: the ultra combo with cheese! >though, and I caught the dugtrio." "Well, I'm paralyzed for the >moment, and if I don't want to be, I should get back to mewseven." H: (Cor) Nah... I like being paralyzed. I'll stay this way for a while. >I sent out pigeotto, and told it to fly me to seafoam islands. >"Cammie, you get your onix. And--" Then I saw gravler. "What?" Cammie >said. "Well, it seems that geodude has evolved. gravler's pretty >cool looking, huh?" Cammie nodded, and pidgeotto flew me to seafoam. >Chapter Twenty-one >As I got closer to seafoam, I could fell N: Famous on Amy. X: Inside jokes... the last resort of the desperate. >a little strength go into my legs. I didn't know what the heal waves >mewfour talked about were, H: Haven't you realized? Like everything else in this fic, they're a lousy plot point! >but I figured they had something to do with mewseven, and how I could >use my legs. H: I bet Cammie could teach him something about how to use his legs. >Once I got to seafoam I asked mewseven about those. "Well," It >began, N: This fic badly it began. e: Take your medication, NeoVid. >"Some scientists at silph were doing experiments on me, N: (Mewseven) Such as seeing if I could program a VCR. X: But that's beyond anyone's ability. >and I listened to their thoughts. X: Unfortunately, they had all been reading lemons earlier... >They had figured out that I sent out heal waves. You see, Mewtwo has >a move that can restore its health, and some pokémon send out sleep >waves. All: (*groan*) N: He just HAD to take the crappiest, most contrived idea from the show to use in his fic. e: Well, M.D.Guy knows what will fit with his story. H: If I ever meet him, I'll mess him up so bad they'll have to call him S.D.Guy. >I didn't get either of those, but I have sort of a mix of the two. I >send out heal waves that can heal some injuries in humans." Wow. This >was bad news. N: Yeah. He might be able to help Cor. We don't want that! >I couldn't just keep coming back to mewseven again and again. H: He doesn't have to when he has Cammie for the lemon scenes. >"Cor," he said, "I will release a lot of my heal energy on you, for >the next battle. It will keep you walking. e: And walking, and walking, and walking... nothing outlasts the Energizer! >You will battle mewsix. The electric. N: Guitar? X: Drill? e: Car? H: Chair? N: (Cor) I'd rather be in an electric chair than here. >It lives in the power plant. Now go outside and wait for Cammie." I >went. There were three ratatta munching on the cookies I had set out >there before. When they saw me, they bolted, >H: And nutted, and balled, and screwed... >(He didn't notice that NeoVid had ripped another chair from the floor >and was holding it over his head.) >except one that grabbed the bag of cookies and walked clumsily away. I >laughed. e: That makes him the only one. >Then Cammie appeared on the horizon, surfing on a squirtle. Hamel (who was on the floor) weakly asked, "Could someone help me up?" "I'll get the spatula," Xelloss answered. >Chapter Twenty-two "He's going to keep folding up if we don't tape him to the seat," e X ! l e said. NeoVid gave his Psychotic Smile (TM). "Well, I don't have any tape. Wouldn't you rather use a stapler? Or better yet, my NAIL GUN???" >Cammie got off when they came to shallow water, and walked to shore, >getting her pants all wet. e: You just had to mangle the lemon expert before that line, didn't you? N: Heehee...Cammie got off... heeheehee. By the way, I don't have a dirty mind. >"Squirtle!" squirtle said. "Squirt!" "Have you got onix?" I asked. >"Yeah, right here." "Dugtrio?" "Yep. Where are we going next?" N: Straight to Hell if there's any justice. e: There can't be any justice. This fic proves that. >"Power plant. Since you didn't bring pidgey, I'll send you to the >power plant with my pidgeotto. Then it'll come back and get me. Go, >pidgeotto!" pidgeotto and Cammie disapeared H: ...Together to start a new life. e: Last time on the 'Young and the Useless...' >just as she had appeared with squirtle. That left another problem. >She left squirtle here! e: I thought of a joke there, but I'm just gonna let it die. N: Just like all your other jokes- ow, ow! Hey, quit it! Ow! >"Squirtle, you're coming with me. H: (Cor) So get that shell off. (Hamel thought he could get away with that, because he had already been horribly mangled for overuse of lemon jokes.) N: You better watch what you're thinking around me, pinhead! (*WHACK*) >Go, pokéball!" squirtle put up no fight to the pokeball X: Because it kept Cor's hands off of him. >and stayed in there. It wasn't long before Pidgeotto was back and I >was outside the power plant, Cammie standing next to me. "I'll have >gravler ready," I said. I started to walk up to the door. e: Don't you wish M.D.Guy had gotten writer's block? N: I'd take that writer's block and smash it over his head. >"Wait!" Cammie stopped me. "Dugtrio was just in battle, with that >ratatta, right? So was gravler. Thery're weaker than they would be >normally. X: Well, everything in this fic has been pretty weak. >I've got some heal, only enough for dugtrio. H: And I've got enough heel to kick M.D.Guy's butt. >Gravler shouldn't go into battle." "Yeah...good point. e: Like the one on top of his head. > But I've got my own. I made this stuff myself. Heal pills." N: Keith Richards loves those things. >I took the container holding the pills out of my pocket and took one >out. H: So that's what he's on. >"Gravler, go!" I tossed the heal pill into gravler's mouth. e: (Cor) And then realized that I had taken my mother's birth control pills by mistake! N: I can NOT believe you made a joke like that. >Cammie took out dugtrio and sprayed some heal on it. H: If I was there, I'd put some heel on it! N: And if you don't give up on the lemon riffs, I'll put some heel on your face! >"Gravler, return! Let's go, Cammie." I opened the door. There was a >voltorb waiting right there! "Voltorb!" it said, and exploded. >"Man, Corby--" "No, call me Cor." "Okay, Cor...yeah. N: EXTREME CONVERSATIONAL ACTION!! >watch out for voltorb. They will self-destruct if you get close." >X: Which explains why Voltorb have such unfulfilling romantic lives. >I walked ahead. There was a hallway that I saw that looked important. e: How exactly does an 'important' hallway look? N: Well, it probably includes that big neon arrow that says, 'Hey, you moron! This is important!' H: And an intern trying to find a hiding place from the press. >"Gotta start somewhere," X: So, this fic might START soon? >I commented, and walked down it. As I walked past a door I heard a >boom and smoke flowed through the cracks. H: (Cor) We really shouldn't have eaten that grey sandwich. e X ! l e poked Hamel in the back of the head, denting it, until it bounced back with a sort of *fup* sound. "Nice try putting him back together, but he's still sort of... mushy." "e X ! l e , keep your hands off me," Hamel grunted. "You have nine thousand, four hundred and eighty-two compound fractures. What are you gonna do, cry at me?" "I'll put him back together. I found THIS!" NeoVid held up a toolbox. "Well, Hamel's screwed now," Xelloss commented. >Chapter Twenty-Three >I paid no attention N: He's got the right idea about this fic. >and kept on going until I came to the door at the end. The light had >almost run out from here, there were no working light, mosly we had >relied on windows for light. X: It appears that M.D.Guy is a very lighthearted writer. N: His lights are on, but guess if anybody's home? >I opened the door and there was no light at all in the room. I took a >step in, and stepped right on a voltorb! It rolled from under my foot, >into an electrode >e: It evolved when it was rolling? >and then exploded. There were a bunch of voltorb behind the electrode. >All the spherical pokémon started to slowly roll toward us, and kept >getting faster. "RUN!" I yelled, and then followed my own advice. H: Unfortunately, the advice wasn't to take a cyanide pill. >We ran through the hallway I had just came from, and into a >different one, with the electrode and all the voltorb following us. I >turned into another hallway, >N: He turned into a hallway? Great disguise! >then another, but the pokéball-like creatures kept up the whole time. >I took a door that I hoped led to somewhere X: Doors generally lead to somewhere. >where I could hide, but it led to a closet, with a voltorb in it! e: Quick, Cor! Come out of the closet, now! >I couldn't slow down, or the electrode and voltorb would come close >and explode. Suddenly I had an idea. All: WHAT!?! N: I never thought THAT would happen! >I grabbed the voltorb in the closet, and threw it right at the leader >of the group, electrode. H: I can't help myself... LET'S SMASH SOME BALLS! N: No chance. They can't beat those balls. (Everyone stares at NeoVid...differently than the usual way.) N: Well, I made the rules. I can break them. >As soon as it hit they both exploded! All the voltorb rolled away as >fast as they could, half of them exploding on the way. "Way to go >Cor!" Cammie congratulated. I said, "Well, All that exploding may have >warned mewsix, and destroyed X: Our sanity. e: Too late for that. N: Yeah. You can't destroy what never existed. >our advantage against it. Let's go find it." "We may not have to. >Listen." I did. I could hear mewsix talking. Wait! There was another >voice! Mewfour?! "Uh-oh. We'd better run. We aren't prepared for >this." "Yeah, H: (Cammie)...Let's call Dr. Kevorkian and get out of this misery. N: Now I wish I had brought a cell phone. >two fights...let's get outta here." as we walked away, we tried not to >make any noise. That meant walking slowly. I could hear mewsix and four >talking again. e: (Mewsix) Well done! N: (Mewfour) Yes they were. >"First we go to Celedon. There are loads of trainers there." then it >stopped for a second. "There's someone here. No, two. I believe one of >them is your Cor, mewfour." "Are you sure no one has a cell phone? I'd love to call Dr. Kevorkian right now." >Chapter Twenty-four >Cammie and I broke into a e: Bank? N: Crying fit? H: Rash? X: Run? >run. X: Ha. I was right. e: Hmm, so you and MountainDewGuy think alike. X: NEVER say that again! >The mews were right at out heels. I came to a door. I put my hand on >the doorknob, N: (Cor) This knob must be broken! I've twisted it back and forth and nothing's happening! H: (doorknob) What does he mean nothing's happening? I'm in ecstacy! X: All our minds are now residing comfortably in the gutter. e: Where they belonged in the first place... >but before I could turn it mewsix shot a lightning bolt right at the >doorknob, electrocuting me! It hardly even hurt, though. I wondered >why. X: Possibly because his hand is as numb as his skull. >I proceded to another door H: (doorknob) Oh boy! e: I can feel my mind twisting... N: You've been around me too long. e: Definitely- OW! >and successfully got through that one. But where was Cammie? e: (Cor) I wanted her to twist MY knob! >I was in a closet. H: He still refuses to come out of the closet?! >Mewfour burned down the door in less than a second with flame thrower. N: At least that way he won't have to touch those perverted knobs. >I ran through where the door used to be and into a huge room. I ran >toward the stairs, but mewfour thundered the stairs, blackening them. H: (Homer) Mmm... blackened stairs... >If I walked on them they would collapse. Cammie suddenly came through >a door and toward me. H: Coming through a door. She must be a screamer. >I ran toward that same door she came out of. Cammie followed. I went >through the door, and into a closet. e: Why does he want to stay in the closet? N: Probably some subconscious connection to the author. >The mews hadn't followed yet, so it would take them a few seconds. H: I don't have ANY idea what could be distracting them, heeheehee... >"Look," I told Cammie, "That time mewsix electrocuted the doorknob, >and me? It could have easily killed me. N: (monotone) *sigh* ...But it never will. He's just sure to live through this thing. >When mewfour flame throwered that door, it could have kept flame >throwering and fried me. They're just playing with us, Cammie. Once >they're done having their fun, we're history. X: At least SOMEONE is having some fun. >We have to fight." e: (Cor) So that we'll be history sooner! All: Sounds good to me! >I could hear the mews coming into the hallway outside of the closet. >I boldly stepped out. e: Where no man has stepped out before. N: And no MAN ever will. >"I challenge mewsix to a pokémon battle." "Were we overdoing it in that chapter?" e X ! l e asked. "Yes," Hamel yelled. "AND WE'RE NOT STOPPING!!" "Put these weights on!" NeoVid shouted. "We haven't sunk low enough! Not yet anyway." Xelloss edged away from them. "I knew I would regret being here." >Chapter Twenty-six >Cammie came out N: Just like Ellen. >and whispered to me that I couldn't win alone. e: (Cor) Then come and help me! N: (Cammie) No, I'd rather scream and run. I have better judgement. >She then said, out loud, "Uh, so do I," H: (Cammie) On second thought, I don't have better judgement. >Mewsix just smiled and said okay, but it was much more fun just >chasing us. X: Of course. Catching them would spoil it entirely. >I said "Gravler, go!" and Cammie yelled "Dugtrio, I choose you!" >Mewsix yawned H: Just like all of us. >and gave dugtrio a thunder punch, and gravler a thunder kick, all as >fast as lightning. Well, it actually WAS lightning. "Dugtrio, swift!" >"Gravler! body slam!" Dugtrio swifted mewsix to the ground, H: And M.D.Guy boreded us to sleep. >where gravler body slammed it. N: He would have done a lot more damage if he had hit it with the Stone Cold Stunner. All: Graveler 3:16!! >Mewsix got right up, and did a move I had never seen before, H: (Cor) I was going to have to remember it next time I was with Cammie. >and looked like an electric fire spin on gravler. Lightning spin, >maybe? e: But since all the electric moves in Pokémon begin with THUNDER, maybe not. >Gravler was on the ground, moaning "Gravler, gravler...." N: And the translation of that is: "Has anyone got a cigarette?" >"Gravler!" I yelled, "Give it your all! This is where it really >counts!" H: Yeah! You can't wuss out on a big lemon scene! >Gravler got up, wearily, and tried to rock throw mewsix, but mewsix >didn't even pay attention because it was on N: Heroin, and you know what THAT does to your senses. H: I'd be a lot less bored right now if he was on heroine. >dugtrio now. H: Mewsix was on Dugtrio? Maybe this lemon scene will finally explain what a Dugtrio looks like underground. e: Now THAT'S a disturbing thought. >It did a electric move on it, making two of the three dugtrio heads >unconscious. e: Even though ground types are completely immune to electricity... H: Uhh...wow, Mewsix must be really strong. X: And this fic is really weak. >"Try a thunder shock, mewsix!" said mewfour from outside the battle. >Mewsix thunder shocked dugtrio and it was K.O.'ed. "Dugtrio! >Return!" N: I don't think Dugtrio is listening right now... >Cammie brought it back to its pokeball. Mewsix then proceded to >thunder shock gravler, leaving it hanging on to consciousness. X: Then it lost its grip and fell off consciousness to its horrible death. >No! this couldn't happen. H: (Cor) I just realized I'm starring in this fic! NOOOOO! >mewsix was so much stronger than mewfour was...gravler had given it >its all, like I said. It had nothing more to give... H: That's what Viagra is for. >unless...NO, that move was only for very serious times... e: And nothing in this fic can be taken seriously. >but this was one. "Gravler...explosion!" For the first time, mewsix >didn't look so cocky. He was wondering what an explosion from gravler >would do to him...it would do some damage. Gravler obeyed, and >followed a bigger explosion than that electrode earlier. All: TOGGG! N: The most versatile sound effect of all time since it doesn't fit anywhere! >When the smoke cleared, I immediately brought the fainted gravler >back. WHAT? Mewsix wasn't even hurt! "What a wimpy pokémon!" mewsix >said. "Now on to Celedon!" and mewsix and four flew through the roof. e: Ooh, that's gotta hurt. N: Fortunately, they were almost as hardheaded as Cor. >Chapter Twenty-seven "It's almost over!!! YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!" >"We have to stop them, Cammie." "Why?" H: Yeah, all they're gonna do is destroy the world. Wouldn't that be a GOOD thing? >"Because they're going to try to kill every pokémon trainer in the >world." X: And why couldn't they start with Cor? e: (Cammie) Thank goodness I'm not allowed to get my trainer's license! >"Oh. H: (Cor) Duuhhh. Shood we do sumthin about that? >Well, then, let's go." N: (Cammie) Good thing you thought of that. We haven't had a chance to use the restroom ONCE during this fic. >"All right, who will go first this time?" e: (Cammie) You can go first, but leave the seat down! >"Uh...you can go first...I don't mind." X: I'm impressed. I didn't think this fic could be more boring than it was. N: EXTREME MUNDANE ACTION!! >"All right. Pidgeotto, go!" pidgeotto grabbed on the back of my >shirt and hovered me about five feet in the air, waiting for instuctions. >It didn't know where celedon was, so I told it to follow the trail of >smoke from mewfour. H: He must have eaten some of Cor's grey sandwich. >And I was off to celedon. It was getting dark, so the lights were on >in most of the houses. H: You're kidding! X: I never would have guessed THAT... >Then they were off. Not all at once, though, one by one. I looked >like a power outage... e: Now I'm glad this isn't illustrated. N: Well, he's definitely draining the power out of everyone here. >of course! Mewsix had used its electrotechnic powers to somehow make >all the lights go out. I immediately told pidgeotto to go where it >started. All: NO! Not back to Chapter 1! AAAAAHH!! >As I got closer, I could see mewsix holding a wire it had pulled out >of the telephone pole and sending electricity through it...way too much. >That's what was making all the electricity go out. N: If he was putting electricity INTO it, why would all the lights go out? e: Even the lights don't want to appear in this fic. >I told pidgeotto to keep its distance, I didn't want to be seen. X: If I had appeared in this fic, I wouldn't want to be either. >I wondered where the fire mew was, until I saw one house that was on >fire! H: Uhhh, do you think it's him? >If I squinted I could see mewfour going in and out all the windows in >that house. I took out cammie's squirtle and said "Squirtle! Put out H: I'm almost tired of lemon scenes. >that fire!" and flew up close and threw the pokeball in the chimney. e: (Homer) Mmm... roasted Squirtle... N: Since I hate everyone, I'm giving them THIS as a Christmas present! Ho, ho, ho! H: I thought Cammie was the only one. Where's the other two? >That's when I noticed my legs go numb. H: (Cor) All those lemon scenes had finally caught up with me. >"Uh-oh..." "It's almost... over..." e X ! l e struggled to say. All of them were showing signs of breaking mentally. "Pull out all the stops and try to stay partly sane!" >Chapter Twenty-eight "Only... two... more!" "Please, shoot me now!!!" "You're not getting off THAT easy." >My legs weren't working abymore! N: (Cor) Abd I knew I was in real trouble! e: How can you pronounce that? N: Now you're the one asking that? >I was going to have to fly for a while longer... Then I noticed >mewfour fly out of the window and fly away. H: Get the bug spray for all those flies. >Luckily it didn't see me. Then I heard sirens, and there was a >ambulance and a fire truck headed toward the house. I could see a whole >bunch of smoke...I hoped squirtle was okay. e: (Cor) Maybe I should have let him out of the Pokéball BEFORE throwing him into the fire... >Fire fighters came out of the truck and in their fire proof suit >thingies went in the house, carrying an empty stretcher. A few minutes >later they came out with the stretcher, X: Loaded down with a group of people who had been bored to sleep by this fic. >anly this time there was a six-year old looking kid on it. H: A six-year-old looker? What a freak! >Some other fire fighters took out fire hoses and stared spraying the >house, e: Were they famous on Amy? X: Millennium hand and shrimp? H: Not Man of Valor, Hamel! N: I sing the body electric! X: Let's see them get THOSE references... H: I just realized... MountainDewGuy is a pseudonym for Dr. Thinker! >while the go-in-house ones X: You may be able to guess what they did. H: I've got an idea! N: We'd rather not hear it. >put the kid in the ambulance and took the now-empty stretcher in >again, this time coming out with a woman, N: She had been having an Ellen party. >not on the stretcher, but walking out of the house. H: She was walking bowlegged. We had missed another lemon scene! >I could hear the people who saved the boy and the woman saying >something like "I think we got everyone. I didn't see anyone else." the >other said; "We had betterr double check." "No, I'm pretty sure I got >every room." H: (firefighter) Yeah... I'm PRETTY sure I got everyone out of the burning building. Let's not waste time with another search. >then they started back toward the fire truck when I heard sqirtle! >"Squirtle!" it said. e: Well, someone can get their line right. >It ran out of the house, carrying a man! Squirtle brought it back, >and put it in the ambulance! e: Calling him "it"? X: You can tell M.D.Guy cares about his characters. >No one had even noticed it. They would find him in the back of the >ambulance later. I could just see the headlines on tomorrow's >paper... N: "WORLD IS ACTUALLY BAD FANFIC. ALL OF HUMANITY URGED TO KILL SELVES." >"Pokémon saves man's life"... "It's almost over..." "'Almost' isn't enough!" >Chapter Twenty-nine >"Three killed in fire". That's what the headlines read. H: Why did those three get all the luck? e: Here's another headline: "Four killed by fic." >I was sitting in the celedon hospital, reading the paper. N: Why isn't he in a mental hospital where he belongs? X: I believe M.D.Guy doesn't want to write about anything he knows. >"During an unexplained blackout yesterday evening, there was a fire in >a celedon house. Firefighters managed to get the three people that >lived in the house out, N: However, they left the three people who died in the house. e: That's what happens when firefighters get lazy. >although one fireman had a different story. H: (firefighter) Uh, it wasn't MY fault! I said we SHOULD make another search! >'I was sure we got only two people out,' the man said, N: (firefighter) Yeah. I said those other three could go to Hell! >'but when they got to the hospital, there was three.' X: And this were a brilliant writer. >The doctor's attempts to save their lives was (Continuation on 1D)." e: The doctor's attempts to save their lives was a continuation on 1D? What are they teaching in medical school these days? >I turned to 1D and it told about how the cause of the fire being >unknown, and about an old man who was dead sure H: Because the firefighters had overlooked him. >that it was the legendary moltres. I was in the hospital waiting >room, waiting for a doctor to do something to heal my leg. "Can I have >the comics?" Cammie asked in the chair next to me. I took the comics and >handed them to her. N: *sigh* Extreme descriptive action... I can't even get interested in a running gag anymore... >I had pidgeotto get her last night from the power plant. N: (Cammie) You creep! You left me in the Power Plant all night! (*POW*) >I kept reading the article, and it mentioned something about the two >adults were pokémon trainers. Exactly what I was looking for. H: He thought when he found a copy of Penthouse that was hidden in the paper. >I knew they would be pokemon trainers, that was why mewfour had killed >them. "Cor Schemeketa?" A nurse called my name. I took a pokeball >from my belt. "Ivysaur," and Cammie came up to me with a wheelchair. >"Aw, man! Cammie, I am not going to--" H: I am NOT going to start a lemon scene in a wheelchair! It's just degrading! N: Nothing can be more degrading than appearing in this fic. >"No pokemon allowed, ivysaur can't carry you," she told me. I >reluctantly got into the wheelchair (Which wasn't very easy, >considering I couldn't use my legs), H: (Cor) And none of these bastards bothered to help me. >and was pushed by Cammie e: Off a cliff... X: ...Mercifully. >into the doctor's office. Oh, well, at least it was more comfortable >that being held in ivysaur's tendrils. "Only one more... to go..." NeoVid was hallucinating that he was strapped to a table with his eyes clipped open. Hamel was wondering whether his thumbnail was long enough to cut his throat. Xelloss was considering clubbing himself to death with his staff. And e X ! l e was wondering whether he should insult Hamel just to get strangled. >Chapter 30 >I came into the office, H: (Cor) I wish they hadn't been giving out those free samples of Viagra. >and the doctor asked me that I was in here because of my legs, right? N: (Cor) Very observant. What tipped you off, the WHEELCHAIR, MAYBE!?! >I told him yes, I was. "And how long have they been like this?" He >asked, and I answered, "Well, I'm not sure if it was since last night, >or for a few days." "What? I don't think I understand." X: He must have tried reading this fic. > "You wouldn't believe it." I said. He just stared at me. "All >right," I said, "Have you ever heard of mewtwo?" "Heard of it? I helped >create it. e: Which was why it was a total disaster. N: Yeah, he didn't notice the big sign that said, 'Do not press this button or subject will turn evil.' >I used to work at silph until recently." N: Guess why they fired him. >Wow. That was surprising. "I guess you might believe me after all. >Mewseven healed me, with heal waves." "MewSEVEN? I hadn't even heard >they made a five yet! X: Doesn't it help your confidence knowing your doctor is well-informed? >I'd better take a look at your legs." e: (Cor) I'm not starting that lemon stuff again! >He examined me with his doctor machines, X: I have the impression M.D.Guy didn't research this too much. N: Gee, y'think? >almost all that I couldn't name, and finially, when he was finished, I >asked him what was wrong with them. H: (doctor) There's more wrong with you than ANYONE could list! >"I can't quite tell. And if I could, I couldn't heal it. X: Ah. The slogan of the HMO. H: (doctor) Here. Have some free Viagra to make up for it. >Could you bring mewseven here? I'd like to examine it, and see if I >can get a cure for your paralysis." Cammie immediately voluntered. N: (Cammie) Anything to get out of here for a while! >I gave her pidgeotto's pokéball. "But how am I going to get mewseven >here?" she asked. I handed her an enpty pokeball X: I would expect an inepty Pokéball... >and told her it would probably stay in there. H: (Cammie) I've heard that before. >She went off and was back by the time thirty minutes was over. Cammie >handed the doctor the pokeball that now held mewseven, and he went >outside the room, and later came back with a beaker full of a >carbonated-looking white substance. e: GOD I hope it's milk. >"Essence of mew," he told me jokingly. H: Fortunately it was already on file in the sperm bank. >"I'm guessing that if we inject this into your blood, it will heal >your legs. N: Wow. How... scientific. >Let's try." He put it into a seringe and injected it H: (doctor) Oops, I should have taken that heroin out first. You know what that cost me? H: That's nothing. You know what it costs to take a heroine out? >in a vein in my leg, e: Be glad it was your leg. >and almost immediately I could feel my legs working again. N: (Cor) In addition to something I cared more about. >I stood up to try them out and they worked! "All right! Now it's >time to save the world!" e: From bad fanfiction! N: Too late. "Now, here's what we've all been waiting to see..." >THE END?? Hamel wrapped a violin string around NeoVid's throat. "QUESTION MARKS??? YOU MOTHER &%$#ER!!! YOU NEVER TOLD ME THIS WOULD BE CONTINUED!" >(Don't you just love this....) "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!" they answered, running for the door (and the portal). Back in the Anipike, Xelloss turned back to talk to NeoVid. "If you ever do another MSTie again, leave me out of it. In fact, if you ever do anything again, leave me out of it," he said, just before teleporting away. NeoVid still had a bright phony smile. "Well, Hamel, I'm sure you would be glad to do another MSTie." Hamel spun around (fortunately, the toothpicks were holding him together pretty well) looking demonic (since he is a demon, after all [Don't we use parentheses too much?]). "FANFIC WRITERS...MUST...DIE..." NeoVid held up a can of Mountain Dew in Hamel's face. "YAAAAH! No! Not that! Anything but that! Aauughh..." Hamel spun around and ran. "I knew that would work." e X ! l e groaned. "I'm starting to regret doing this. I could have been working on my Fire Emblem FAQ this whole time." "Well, be glad about one thing. I didn't find a Pokémon lemon." They both shuddered. "Thank you so much for reminding me about that." "You're just lucky I picked a not-so-bad one. I've found some fics that would turn your brain into paste... such as my next project. I found a site with about fifteen lousy Suikoden fics!" "I'd love to help you with that, but I'll be...um, dead that day." >Okay, enough branch lifting, I thought.