Mystery Octagon Theater: Episode 112 "Pokemon MASTER," chapters 1-4 Original by Ace Sanchez MiSTed by the Al Bhed Psyches: the master of the Triple Dangerous Bomb, Alicia Ashby the boy's a time bomb, the Black Snotling all the way from the halls of Hahvahd, Patrick "eonsinger" Bradley the former drummer for Split Wet Beaver, Nicholas Eckert Steve Erwin's stunt double, Alex Fauth half seductress, half assassin, all vampire: Damien "SAMAS" Hailey his name ain't Tommy, but he's my boy: Geson "Racewing" Hatchett the M to the M to the motherfuckin' K, James Howard the Detroit rollin' tens, David "Ice Fenix" LaSalle [this space intentionally left blank], Signus Megido our thrilla in Manila, Mark Poa the most dangerous teenager on Earth, S.D. "Shady" Ryukage our man in Japan, John "R.Jak" Stoddert a woman who "requested" no introduction, Tiffa the expendable ensign, Phil Vanciel me, the dirtiest player in the game, Thomas "Wanderer" Wilde ...and the Dream City Newbie Attack Force DELTA: some guy we hired from the temp agency, Larry "t.ogre" Garrett the twelfth-level priest of Eris, Austin Loomis ...with guest writer: the current WWF Intercontinental Champion, Tim McLees Compiled and edited by the "Mutilator" Mark Poa and the "Jailbait" John Stoddert Comedy edited by Thomas Wilde Compilation merging assistance by t.ogre, eonsinger, James Howard, and Austin Loomis OCR research by Austin Loomis and Jonatan Streith =========== DISCLAIMER: =========== Mystery Octagon Theater, the only MiSTing group mentioned by name in the Fatima Prophecy (we made the Pope cry! we made the Pope cry! nanny-nanny-nah-nah!), is back on the case, bringing you non-standard MiSTings for non-standard people. I believe, in fact, that we are truly keeping it real worldwide. The story itself is probably a soft R, 'cause the kids aren't all right. The MiSTing is rated R for violence, profanity, sexual humor, a lot of good-natured ribbing directed at a story that's big enough to handle it, and a healthy disrespect for everything good, decent, and true. We're considered a venial sin by Jesuit law! This MiSTing was brought to you by a grant from the Umbrella Corporation. Remember: Umbrella's got you covered. Comments are welcome at: http://network54.com/Hide/Forum/80982 ======== "ASU NO EGAO NO BANZAIIIIIIIIIII!" a voice screamed at the top of its lungs as the television screen faded from black to a bright green background. "KONNICHIWA GOZAIMOS CON CARNE *GAVOK IT NAME HELLOOOO!*!" the voice screamed as writing in Kanji superimposed itself over the English words "GAVOK IT NAME HELLO." The title card then shattered like a pane of glass as a computer-graphics-generated watermelon sailed through it and exploded all over the screen. The CG disappeared in a puff of smoke, revealing a large game show-ish stage setup with bright neon colours and a wildly-cheering Japanese audience. "DOMOOOOO!" Gavok screamed at the top of his lungs into his microphone, standing in the center of the stage and waving his entire arm energetically at the crowd. "DOMOOOOOOOOO!" the croud shouted, waving back at Gavok and cheering madly. "OKAY-DOKAY!" Gavok yelled. "Suikoden rico deus ex machina suave los boriquas non... STUPID DOG CHALLENGE!" The crowd, as one, went "ooooooohhhh" majestically as the lighting on the stage turned red. A small light-brown cocker spaniel wearing a large plastic dog collar shambled onto the stage. The lighting went back to normal as Gavok scurried over to the dog, scooped him up in his free arm and deposited him in front of three buttons in the floor, which in turn were in front of a large chalkboard. "OKAY!" Gavok shouted into the microphone. "Nani wa oro hai domo chien? PLACE-O BETS NOW! STUPID DOG CHALLENGE *GO*!" Gavok flipped the chalkboard around quickly; the other side, now facing the dog, read "112 - 43 = !!!" in white chalk with "72" written under it in blue chalk, "57" written in red chalk, and a tiny picture of Gavok drawn in green chalk. "CHOOSE!" Gavok bellowed at the dog, which stared at him quizically. "CLOCKO START! SAN! NI! ICHI! *GOOOOO*!" Gavok skittered away to stand by the audience as the dog looked around. "Shhhhhhhhhh," Gavok intoned seriously. Gavok and the crowd all leaned forward pensively, waiting for the dog to act. The dog began sniffing the red button, which he was seated directly in front of. "Ohhhh, red button!" Gavok whispered to the audience (through his microphone). "Sori wa? Shhhhh!" The cocker spaniel, hampered by the enormous plastic cone on his head, stood up and padded over to the green button. "Uh-oh!" Gavok said theatrically. The dog let his head drop and pushed the green button into the floor with the cone around his neck. A loud klaxon went off and strobelights of all colours began flashing as the dog lost interest and sat down again. "OHH NOOOOOO!" Gavok screamed as the crowd erupted in laughter. "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! BAKABAKASHIIIIIIII!" The dog, attempting to scratch his ear with his hind leg, toppled over onto his side with a "wurf." "OH *NOOOOOOOOO*!" Gavok bellowed, tears streaming down his face as several members of the audience keeled over. "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! *STUPID DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG*!" The picture disappeared as the television abruptly went off. The television's remote dropped onto the desk sitting beside a reclining leather chair. The remote landed on a newspaper's Life section, just underneath the giant headline "Gavok It Name Hello Top Show in Japan, World." The occupant of the leather chair sunk further into its depths and grumbled. iT was displeased. *Again*. ======== In the not-too-distant future, Or maybe just before, The MultiMediocre Knight Started a ratings war! With TV's Gavok as his right-hand man, He fought to be on the TV screens of Japan! He knew that he was making a wise business move, Everybody else was gone, so the going would be smoo-o-ooth! He built a brand-new theater! The best one of its kind! (La la la!) There were better ones but they'd been destroyed, So he thought this one was fine! (La la la!) Gavok has since deserted him, But he knows what to do! (La la la!) He's pulling in some test subjects, Let's sort out who is who! Awwwwwwwwwww O.R. ROLL CALL! SAMAS! (Not again!) MARK! (Hey there!) EON! (I play music!) ICE! (Tiffa plays the skin flute!) TIFFA! (Wha--I'LL KILL YOU!) SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! (*HELLO* WINSTON-SALEM!) If you're wondering why Gavok would leave, And who takes Gavok's place, (La la la!) We'll tell you in a little bit So keep watching this space! For Mystery Octagon Theater 3000! (*Ding!*) ======== "You see, MMK," Gavok had told MMK a month previous, "I feel that my career will be best served with a move by myself to a solo endeavor. I've inked a start-up contract with TV Japan that guarantees me a test run of thirteen episodes starting next week." "Does TV Japan know about this?" MMK asked halfheartedly, sitting in a plush leather chair and looking down at his hands rather than at Gavok. "Well, not *yet*, exactly," Gavok said, "but I figure they'll know at *least* ten seconds after the first episode comes on." "Mm-hmm," MMK intoned, still not looking at Gavok. "And so I must depart for the Land of the Rising Sun!" Gavok announced dramatically, striking a heroic pose and pointing in the general direction of Japan. "Yep," MMK agreed. "To strike out on my own!" Gavok announced. "It looks like," MMK agreed before he suddenly lurched to life, pounding something with his hand. "DON'T TAP OUT! DON'T TAP OUT! NO! NO! NO! N--okay, good," MMK said, relaxing again. "Don't you go through a lot of batteries playing that all day?" Gavok asked, still standing in a heroic pose. "CRITICAAAAL!" MMK yelled. "*YEAH*! EAT *THAT*, MUTHA*FUCKAAAAAA*! *MWAAA* HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!" "Anyway," Gavok said as he picked up a suitcase, "I wrote everything down on a note here so you can read it later--" "Can you believe they give you 73 Create-A-Wrestler slots?" MMK marvelled, pointing down to the Game Boy Advance in his hand. "And it's *still not enough*!" "Anyway, shooting'll take a couple months, so I think you're gonna need a temporary sidekick for the next episode." "Probably, yeah," MMK answered, turning off Fire Pro Wrestling A and looking up. "Sorry, what are we talking about?" Gavok rolled his eyes, crumpled the note up and bounced it off of MMK's forehead. "You were just saying you were gonna read that." "Probably was," MMK said, uncrumpling the ball as Gavok walked out of Torture Theater 2001's business office. "I say a lot of things." ======== MMK, having just blown two minutes on a flashback, turned the TV on again out of curiosity. Gavok and the audience were still locked in helpless laughter as the cocker spaniel, having finally returned to a vertical base, tottered over to the blue button and sat on it. "OH *NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*!" Gavok screamed, holding his sides and falling over in amusement as the klaxon and strobelights started up again and the crowd reached a new level of hysterics. MMK again shut the TV off and threw his hands in the air. "Japanese humour. Bah!" he announced and swirled around in his big leather chair so that whereas before he had been facing the TV, he was now facing his desk and the two people sitting behind it in metal folding chairs. "Okay, so you *do* remember we're here," S.D. Ryukage said dryly. "I was just about to start wondering." "How is it that we can see your flashbacks?" Racewing asked. "I mean, how do you do that?" "Ah, so you want to know, do you?" MMK asked, grinning. "Well, that's one of the many secrets of being a Mad." "Uh, I've been a Mad twice already," Racewing pointed out. MMK raised an eyebrow and looked upwards as if trying to remember. "Oh, yeah," MMK said. "Well, then, why *are* you applying to be my temporary sidekick, anyway?" To drive you out of business, claim your theater for my own and spend the rest of my life as a feared and respected film-related torturer, Racewing didn't tell him. "I, uh, need work," Racewing lied, shrugging. "Fair enough," MMK shrugged back. "Shady!" "Yeah?" S.D. asked. "Why'd *you* answer the flyers advertising the need for a temp?" I'm going to fucking kill you for what you did to my mind with your fucking Porky Pig idea when you least fucking expect it, you sick motherfucking son of a fucking bitch, S.D. didn't tell him. "Why, I hope to be a Mad someday! *Just like you*!" S.D. piped, giving MMK a wide chipper smile. Racewing squinted at S.D. for a couple seconds out of suspicion. S.D., noticing the look, returned it with a dark stare that clearly indicated she suspected Racewing of being up to something and was not willing to let Racewing interfere with her plans. Racewing raised an eyebrow back at her, as if to state that he had an agenda and she should best stay out of its way. "Well!" MMK cut in, seemingly oblivious to the whole thing. "I can see you both want the job really badly. And of course I'd hate to choose one of you over the other, what with us all being such good friends and all." S.D. and Racewing continued to glare at each other. "So of course I'm going to take *both* of you on as temps," MMK announced. There was a couple seconds' pause before this hit S.D. and Racewing at the same time, causing them to both stare at MMK in befuddlement. "Now I have three!" MMK said, ducking down and looking under his desk. "Three?" S.D. asked. "This is your co-worker, Bonfire," MMK told her, re-emerging from under the desk with a large fluffy ragdoll cat in his arms. "Bonfire," S.D. repeated. "He's got a bright future in this business," MMK told them, skritching the space between the beige cat's ears. Bonfire yawned and blinked twice, clearly having been asleep seconds earlier. "He's a cat," Racewing felt the need to point out. "He's a very fluffy cat," MMK responded. Bonfire dropped from MMK's arms onto the desk and flopped down onto his side, staring at S.D.. "I concede the point," Racewing said. Bonfire's eyes drifted shut and his head slowly tilted over onto the desk, his side rising and falling rhythmically. "He's asleep," S.D. said. "Well, he's been working hard all day," MMK said. "Uh-huh," S.D. responded. "Okay!" MMK clapped his hands, which surprisingly did not awake the cat. "I want you all here tomorrow bright and early at two PM sharp, and we're going to leap straight into the on-site training!" "In other words you're going to suck perfectly innocent people into the theater and we're going to help you destroy their minds," S.D. summarized. "We don't *know* any perfectly innocent people," Racewing pointed out to her. "This is true," S.D. admitted. "Okay, then, two o'clock, huh? See you tomorrow, boss." S.D. walked out of the room, giving one last glance towards Bonfire before shaking her head in disbelief and walking out. "Uh, yeah," Racewing said. "Seeya tomorrow, MMK." "Two o'clock!" MMK reminded him. "Right, right," Racewing said. "Say, Knight, how legally do you own this place?" "Oh, completely!" MMK told him. "I'm *legitimate* now." "'Legitimate,'" Racewing repeated. "What?" MMK asked incredulously, shrugging. "I--nothing," Racewing said. "See you tomorrow." "Two o'clock," MMK told him. "Yes, I *know*," Racewing said, walking out of the room. "Two o'clock," MMK told the motionless Bonfire. {I heard you the first time,} MMK heard the cat tell him. "Just checking," MMK said. ======== It was at 2:05 PM the next day that Mark Poa abruptly found himself not waiting in line at Dairy Queen anymore. Just a couple seconds earlier, you see, he *had* been waiting in line at the Dairy Queen. Mark Poa had, earlier on in the day, been walking around downtown and thought to himself, "You know, it's been a while since I had a banana split from Dairy Queen. Those things are good." He had not been sleeping soundly with intent to wake up at around five in the afternoon; that was Tiffa, who was lying nearby on the floor still snoozing contentedly with a Hello Kitty quilt wrapped around herself. And he had not been busking in front of a construction site; that was eonsinger, who drifted off in the middle of a song about sad girls in snow to suddenly find that not only had his crowd disappeared but he wasn't even *outdoors* anymore. (And no, Mark hadn't been in the middle of a 'phone call debating the merits of the proposed International Criminal Court with Kofi Annan. That would be the Black Snotling.) No, Mark had just been waiting in line to buy himself a banana split. No crazy antics or wild goings-on; Mark Poa was a normal, everyday sort who went about his business and eschewed the sort of offbeat shenanigans that sometimes occur in life. Mark just happened to *be around* the clinically insane all the time, is all. So he was not particularly taken aback any more than a person normally would be when a suit of body armour, piloted by SAMAS, flew headfirst into a wall and fell down when it found itself not flying through the skies anymore. "--yeah, but *I*'m saying, it is only *through* a permanently-located court to prosecute those suspected of war crimes that we *can* establish a sense of right and wrong that *oh* hell. Can I call you back?" The Black Snotling hid his cellphone faster than anyone has ever hidden a cellphone before in history and looked around furtively. Mark pointed to Snot's pocket. "Who was--" "Don't change the subject!" Snot snapped defensively, pointing accusingly at Mark. "What did you tell SAMAS, to make him try and kill himself like that? Shame on you!" "What?" Mark asked. "I just got here!" "HA!" Snot barked. "A likely story. Then how do you explain *this*?" Snot held up an empty bag of Doritos. Ice Fenix, who had been watching TV all day anyway and so went from sitting on his couch to sitting in a seat in the middle of the theater lobby, raised his hand. "Actually, uh, that's mine. I just finished that." "Oh," Snot said. "Well! Let us never mention any of this again." Snot dropped the bag back onto the lobby floor and nodded, sagely. "Pick that up!" MMK ordered as the large television screen in the lobby flared to life. "We have garbage cans in here for a *reason*, you know!" "Okay, okay!" Snot said, picking the bag up and tossing it into the trash can. "Better," MMK said. "Uhm," Mark said. "Excuse me?" "Mark!" MMK said, waving. "Hey, Mark. How's it going." "Uh, fine," Mark responded. "I mean--no! Not fine! What's going on here?" "Is this where I think it is?" eon asked suspiciously. "Yes," SAMAS muttered. "Welcome to the Torture Theater 2001, mes amis!" MMK announced, stroking the big fluffy cat he was holding in his arms. "You know, I'd figured that out already," Ice said. "Hey, a cat!" TBS said, putting his face right up to the camera and waving to the cat. "What's his name?" "Bonfire," S.D. and Racewing flatly mumbled at the same time. "Oh! Hey, Race! Hi, S.D.!" Snot waved at the screen. "Didn't see you guys there." "Yeah, thanks," Racewing said. "You see," MMK began, "Gavok has taken a leave of absence--" "Oh, yeah!" Ice said. "He's doing Gavok It Name Hello now!" "Yes," MMK said. "So since Gavok--" "That show is *so* cool!" Ice said energetically. "Uh-huh," MMK responded. "And since--" "I wanna be like Gavok when I grow up," Ice said. "That's *nice*," MMK said. "Can I continue?" "Go right ahead," Ice offered. "Thanks. Anyway, since Gavok isn't here right now, I've taken three temps on board and I'm going to teach them how to be a Mad like me while they do temp-y things around the theater," MMK explained. "Three temps?" SAMAS asked. "Racy, Shady and Bonfire here," MMK said, holding up the beige ragdoll cat. "The cat," SAMAS said. {Yes, the cat,} a baritone voice intoned. Everybody in the lobby with the exception of Tiffa jumped; even Racewing and S.D. were taken aback, staring at the cat. "Did the cat just talk?" Mark asked. "Of course not," MMK said. "Cats can't talk." "Ah," Mark said. "That's why they have to use telepathy. Right, Bonfire?" MMK asked, skritching the cat's ear. {Little lower,} Bonfire said. {Right under the ear there--ahhhhhhhh.} "Cool!" Snot piped. "Why couldn't he do that yesterday?" S.D. asked. "He could," MMK said as Bonfire hopped out of his arms. "It's just that he gets sleepy really quickl--yeah, there he goes," MMK added as Bonfire nodded off again. "Yeah," Mark said. "Great. So, uh--" "Yeah, the whole 'I suppose you're wondering why I've brought you here today' and yadda yadda yadda, right?" MMK said. "Pretty much," Mark said. "Well, this is when you get in the theater--Snot, would you mind waking Tiffa up?" "No problem," Snot said, walking over to the sleeping Tiffa and poking her repeatedly on the forehead. "Thanks. This is when you all go into the theater there and I make you watch horrible mistakes of the Internet writing community so that people watching at home in Japan can be terribly, terribly entertained!" "Oh, yeah!" Snot said. "You said last time you were gonna show us that Dave and Dyne saga this time around." "Oh yeah!" S.D. agreed. "I'd forgotten about that." MMK frowned, his right eyebrow twitching. "Yes, I would have *liked to*, thank you," MMK said, "but all of a sudden this show is on at the *same time* and is in *direct competition* with the *number-one-rated television show in Japan*--" "Oh, yeah! Gavok It Name Hello's the number one TV show in Japan!" Ice said. "Yes, *thank* you*," MMK said. "And the world," Ice added. "Say!" MMK said. "Would you mind *not plugging the competition while I'm trying to open the episode*? Huh?" "What, we're on TV right now?" Snot asked, again poking his head in front of the camera and waving. "Hi Mom! Hi Dad!" "Yes, Snot, we're broadcasting *live* to *all of Japan* *right now*--" "Nnnnggggh," a mumble complained. Tiffa, rubbing the back of her head and squinting at the bright lights, walked onscreen wearing her pyjamas and yawned. MMK slapped his forehead. "She left some extra clothes here a while ago," Racewing told MMK. "They should be in the lobby somewhere." "There they are!" S.D. said, pointing to a backpack in the corner of the lobby. "Snot, hand her those, will you?" MMK asked. Snot handed Tiffa her spare backpack. Tiffa stared blearily at the backpack, then at Snot, then at the camera. "GaaaAAAAAAAAH!" Tiffa blurted, her eyes widening as she scrambled offscreen. {I like the smiley faces on your pyjamas,} Bonfire offered. "SHUT UP!" Tiffa screamed from off-camera, trying to put her clothes on over her pyjamas and remove her pyjamas from underneath the clothes without accidentally showing anything (and while still very much asleep). "At least she isn't awake enough to attack people yet," Snot said. "THAT COMES LATER!" Tiffa yelled angrily. "Well, yeah, that's my point," Snot said. "As long as we're live across Japan," eon stated, "I'd like to take this time to promote my new album, which should be out in all non-major-chain stores tomorrow afternoon--" "Can we hurry this up?" Ice asked. "I'm missing Gavok It Name Hello." "ANYWAY," MMK prompted impatiently, "since we're now locked in a heated ratings war we've got to pull out the stuff that Japanese audiences *really* like. Stuff like Pokemon--" SAMAS brightened up a bit. "--Ninja Scroll--" Snot nodded. "--Rurouni Kenshin--" Mark began to get a little suspicious. "--blood, angst, mystical powers and single-colour cloaks," MMK finished. "And then we *combine them all together*, and *see what the hell comes out*, and THAT'S RATINGS!" There was a second of silence. SAMAS blinked. "I just experienced a moment of intense, shooting fear." "I had that, too," Snot said, "but I figured that's just because Tiff's awake and dressed now." "And very pissed," Tiffa intoned dangerously. "...and very pissed," Snot repeated. "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah," MMK said. "We gonna get in the theater or what? Come on! In! In! In!" The six captives grumbled in dejection as they shuffled into the theater. "Okay!" MMK announced. "And now, for your first lesson in Mad work!" Racewing and S.D. watched intently. Bonfire continued to lie on his back. MMK pushed a big green button on the main electronics cabinet of the projection booth that simultaneously dimmed the lights in the theater and started up the film reel, with the recycled IMAX sound system automatically optimizing itself and the special projector focusing itself to a sharp image. "That's the button that does almost all the work," MMK stated, pointing at the button. Racewing wondered how much longer it would be before he could safely steal the theater. S.D. barely resisted the urge to murder MMK right there. "Alright!" MMK announced. "Mystery Octagon Theater Episode 112 is GO!" ======== [TIFF, scowling angrily, stuffs her pyjamas into her spare backpack and hucks it into the corner of the theater angrily.] ICE: Not a morning person? TIFF : Shut the hell up. MARK: First time in *two years* I want a banana split, and *look what happens*. Bah. TBS: Yeah. Those things are bad for you, I guess. > Warning: This is not standard Pokemon fanfiction. SAMAS: Yes, but is it *sub*standard Pokemon fanfiction? MARK: Let's find out, shall we? ICE: "Not standard Poke..." So, in other words, it's Pokemon stuff *worth my time*? SAMAS: Hey, watch it. > It contains scenes of violence and some inappropriate language. EON : Parental discretion is advised. ICE : Professional driver, closed circuit course. TIFF : Please don't try this at home. SAMAS: I'm suddenly wishing I installed all my pidgin dictionaries. [TBS stands up and motions like he's throwing a half-dozen frisbees.] > ************************************************************************* TBS: Did I mention that I rule at Shinobi? > Pokemon Master MARK : OF THE WOOOOOORLLLLLD! ICE : AND I HAVE! HALF! THE BRAINS! THAT *YOU DO*! > Fanfiction by Ace Sanchez. MARK: Color by Liquid! TBS: Art by Josh Kirby. EON: Makeup by Tom's Rhinoplasty. > All parts of this story may be found at the following address: > http://www.users.bigpond.net.au/acey/pokemon.htm ICE : 'Cause you're not anywhere! That I can't find youuuuuuuuuu! SAMAS : Shame, Australia, shame. > Note: Pokemon and its associated characters are copyright by Nintendo, > Game Freak, Creatures Inc, and 4Kids Productions. EON: Hey, let me try that! [EON does the frisbee motion thing.] >************************************************************************* TBS: Ha! You call yourself ninja? You insult my honour! > Part 1 - Returns TIFF: Because *no* game made prior to '99 will work on Windows 2000. SAMAS: Not just one, but *two* villains face Part 1 in the new "Part 1 Returns." > An icy chill pervaded through the black night; MARK: Ice, did you leave the door open again? ICE: If I close the door, the Hentai Fairy might not visit us. > cold except for the unnatural hot wind blowing south with the scent > of acrid smoke. TIFF: So it wasn't all that cold. MARK: Well, no, now that you mention it. EON : It was cold outside. *Except* for where it was hot. > Through the dark starless sky slightly covered by clouds, intermittent > moonlight ICE : Intermittent moonlight / Sets the story free / Intermittent moonlight / Baby, you and me... > shone on to the thick green forest revealing, little by little, > a snaking trail of destruction. TBS: But then it reached a ladder and went forward a whole row. > Burnt and broken tree stumps lay on the ravaged path ICE: I've heard of clear-cutting before... > - some still burning with small flickering flames - as well > as fallen branches and other debris interspaced with giant > animalistic footprints. TBS : Jurassic Park is fright'ning in the dark / All the dinosaurs are running wild / Someone let T.Rex out of his pen... EON: Actually, this description would fit my apartment. MMK : Y'know, "Giant Animalistic Footprints" would make a good name for a rock band. > A dark figure wrapped in a long hooded black cloak ran through the > woodland almost silently, the robe-like mantle's folds flapping gently > behind like a floating shadow. ICE: I'm sensing a definite 'black' motif. MARK: Hey, black's the new black. ICE: What was wrong with the old black? MARK: Dude. *So* early 2001. > The only sound was the dry vegetation softly crunching beneath > thick black boots as it followed the trail onward. TIFF: We have plants on the march. SAMAS: Oddish! Osh osh! EON: ...B'gosh. > Golden-brown eyes took wide sweeps, observing the desecrated area. TBS: Dude! They desecrated your *area*? Harsh! TIFF: Never mention his *area* again. > A small, brown backpack was adjusted briefly by a hand as it sped > up the pace. EON: Today's guest star: Thing! > The quarry was close... ICE: And he's gonna get *stoned,* yo! > <><><> MARK: Hey, look! Power pellets! > Flames crackled and fires burned. SAMAS: Someone's flaming the fic already? EON : I fell into a burnin' ring of fire... > The small town settlement lit up the night, its modest structures > engulfed like the pyres of a bonfire. ICE : Viewers in Kent have phoned in to report a downpour of shooting stars! Perhaps somebody's been celebrating Bonfire Night early... TBS: It is the fifth of the eleventh, nineteen-ninety-seven. > Everywhere, screaming and smoke filled the heated air as dozens and > dozens of people ran, TBS : Aaa! It is Godzilla! ICE : Our love was so true, but now she's three foot two, and she used to be five foot eleven... > all seeking escape from the terror of attacking raiders. Appearing > from the south without warning, burning and pillaging without mercy, > huge, hostile pokemon SAMAS: It's worse than Godzilla--it's *Snorlax*! MARK : You too tall! Too tall, you! > assisted their trainers in the merciless and violent raid. MARK: They were the ones who made the coffee... EON: ...and photocopied the documents... ICE: ...and pillaged-- TBS: Can't forget the pillaging! ICE: --the company snack bar. TBS: Can't forget the snacking! ICE: Apparently not. > Totally unprepared for the assault, towns-people and their pokemon > were cut down and destroyed almost as soon as they were called out. TBS : Hey, towns-person! I'm calling you out! SAMAS : You're not going to cut down my pokemon and myself, are you? TBS : Hell no! That's a wussy HM move! I'm gonna use Rollout or Psybeam or something! SAMAS : Oh. All right, then. > The huge, red two-storey-tall charizard MARK: Hey! It's Clifford, the Big Red Charizard! ICE : He's big big big and he's red red red... > took another long breath before > continuing to spit out a long and melting-hot burst of flame which > turned the school house into glowing crimson embers. TBS: Suntop, *no*! SAMAS : Jutting out from the rubble is a profound reminder of this tragedy, a battered teddy bear. EON: There's *always* a battered teddy bear. MARK: Maybe he mistook the school for the Chinese Embassy or something. ICE: Heh heh. He huffed and he puffed and he burned the house d-- TIFF: Yeah, yeah, we get it. ICE: Aww. > At the opposite end of town, MARK: --lived Bad, Bad Leroy Brown. > an angry tauros smashed through houses with its dagger-sharp > bull horns at the direction of its trainer, trampling over possessions > and structures alike. SAMAS: And smashing up large amounts of fine china. TBS : My Lovin' Spoonful albums! Noooooooo! > Meanwhile, almost matching it in damage, MARK : 50. GODDAMN. POINTS. OF. DAMAGE. [ALL stare at MARK.] MARK: Eh heh... I'll, uh, explain that one later. > the sharp-bladed, green scythers and the massively-horned pinsirs > rampaged through the town hall and community buildings. ICE : The City of Townsville... is under attack! EON: If the Scyther's named Lizzy and the Pinsir's named George, I'm going home. > Little by little, the > attackers slowly advanced towards the supply buildings in the > centre of the town where the food and water was stored. TBS: Aww, they're just *hungry*! SAMAS : Additional supply depots required. > Behind a slowly burning house, a young dark-haired girl screamed > as a grinning male raider grabbed and pinned her against the wall. ICE: She'll look good next to the monarch butterfly in his collection. MARK: By the way, if they're leaning on the wall of a burning house, shouldn't they be burning as well? SAMAS: Mark... MARK: I'm just saying! SAMAS: Ever heard of Arlieth? MARK: Yeah, Jon and Ryan mentioned him a couple times. Why? [TIFF brings out a balloon and a pin.] TIFF: This is your head, and this pin is the story. [TIFF pops the balloon.] TIFF: Any questions? [MARK swallows hard and shakes his head.] > Nearby, his kangaskhan watched in fascination. TBS: Oh, you like to watch, do you? ICE: Hey, *I'm* always up for watching! [TIFF shoots them a warning look.] > The raider slapped the girl across the mouth hard. "Shut up with the > screaming, bitch, and take this like a woman!" TBS: He's in a lot of trouble if the first woman she thinks of is someone like, y'know, Jeanne d'Arc. > He began to work his fly open and loosen his pants. SAMAS: And this is where it *officially* stops being children's programming. Tuff. TIFF: Please note: *ick*. > A shadow shifted. MARK : Shiftin' shadow / Shadow shifters... > Suddenly an explosion of pain erupted in the raider's head ICE : EXPLOIDAAAAAH~! TBS : YAAAAAAY!!!! The good scanners are here to save the day! > and the next thing he knew was the feel of the rushing air as he > was picked up and thrown violently away from the girl. [TBS makes "whoosh" noises.] > The hard dirt ground met his back all too abruptly MARK : And we hadn't even been formally introduced. > and the breath exploded out of his lungs. ICE : I'm free! I'm free! > "Bastard!" he coughed furiously as he rolled to his feet and opened > his eyes to see who had dared attack him. TIFF: Dark Schneider? Is that you? > Several feet away, a tall figure wrapped in darkness stood watching > him, its silhouette all but invisible SAMAS: Pythona? The hell? > if it weren't for the background of burning houses and hazy grey smoke > behind it. TIFF: Backgrounds by the folks who brought you Record of Lodoss War. EON
: Dig me. I'm Sephiroth. Woo-oo-ooooooo. > All of a sudden he felt a cold stab of fear enter his heart. There was > something familiar about this... MARK : Hey, this is the same stock fight footage they used last week! > Then he growled in anger. He was mistaken. TIFF : His line should have been "Meow." > This was just a poor fool who was trying to be a hero. "Kangaskhan, > take him!" He laughed. "Chew his bones, nice and slow." [ICE clicks a stopwatch.] ICE: Five minutes in, and we've got gay porn already. TBS: The *term* is "pr0n." ICE: All right, then. Pr0n. > Already hissing in anger because of the attack to its master, the large > bipedal pokemon needed no second order. MARK: One restraining order was enough. > It gave an inhuman snarl SAMAS: As inhuman things do sometimes. > and extended its sharp, bony claws before leaping towards the shadow. TBS: I just had a horrible thought. Isn't Gryphon also the Shadow? TIFF: Look on the bright side. Maybe his Pokemon would be the dog. TBS: Hey, right! YAY, FURY! > However, a rapid spin kick stopped the charging pokemon's attack, while > one of its claws was seized and used against it, stabbing into its own > chest like a knife. EON: Jet Li *is* a Pokemon trainer extraordinaire. > The kangaskhan blinked in confusion before toppling over, MARK : I regret nothing! > its chest a puddle of oozing dark blood. > > "Kangaskhan?" the man said in shock. EON : Are you okay? ICE : I fell on my keys. Ow. > No man could be strong enough to do > what the figure had just done. He continued to stare, TBS : My God, those are *huge*... TIFF: *A-hem!* TBS : ...knife-holes. [A pause.] TIFF: This isn't over. TBS: No, it rarely ever is. > dumbfounded, SAMAS : D-uhh. > before a hard booted foot smashed into his jaw and everything > went black. ICE: BOOT TO DA HEAD! MARK: I hope this doesn't segue into a flashback sequence. > <><><> TBS : Exits are there, there and there. > Puffing a large cloud of dark smoke, TIFF:...living by the sea.... MARK:...and frolicking in the autumn mist.... > the huge charizard eyed the supply structures in hunger EON : They won't miss one or two, will they? I'll just... > as even more raiders surrounded the area in a > half-ring of hostile forces. ICE: Surrounded by hostile halfling forces? The hell? TBS: Peter Jackson, *no!* > It snorted questioningly to its master in a > rough nasal tone. ICE : *Snort, snort, snort* Zard! MARK : Dave? ICE : *Snort* Zard! MARK : Dave's not here man. ICE : *Snort, snort, snort* Zard! MARK : Dave? ICE : *Snort* Zard! MARK : Dave's not here man. ICE : *Snort, snort, snort* Zard! MARK : Dave? ICE : *Snort* Zard! MARK : Dave's not here man. > "No," the tall bald woman answered MARK: ...Moondragon? TBS: *Hey*! This theater is a Jim Starlin-free zone! MARK: How about Perseis Khombatta? TBS: I'll accept that. > with a slight chuckle. "The supplies > we were raiding for in the first place would be destroyed." SAMAS : So, let's start hunting for Pocky! ALL : POCKY! > She looked over to one of the other raiders. "You! Use your tauros > to break the walls down. TBS, ICE: Break the walls down! [Heavy bass music plays and coloured strobe lights flash for a couple seconds before shutting off again.] TBS: Whoa. > Then we'll have some fun." TIFF : We do so love the fun. > She chuckled deep in her throat as her sub-ordinate MARK: ...perpendicular to her sub-abscissa... EON : Perhaps lower than the ordinate area. Maybe in the sub-ordinate area. Maybe in the colon, maybe in the kidneys... we don't know. > directed his bull pokemon to charge through. ICE: No! No! NO! That will absolutely not do! Through the wall! OH, GOD! CUT! > A sudden wet splattering sound sounded from behind them. TIFF: They found themselves covered in watermelon. > Turning instantly, they discovered a dead, bleeding scyther > still sliding toward them along the dirt ground MARK: Three bucks says it's Mikado Sanzenin inside that rubber suit. ICE: Wishful thinking. > from the momentum of being thrown, its > blood acting as lubricant. TIFF : One word, Snot. Just give me an excuse. TBS: No, ma'am. ICE: Heh heh. Tiff prefers going without lubric-- TIFF: I could kill you five different ways without leaving this seat. ICE: Pfft! Three at most. > It was shockingly mutilated. MARK: Which had come after it was shockingly splintered, but before it was shockingly torn. EON: And look! It *clearly* says, "This Side Up!" Can't these people follow instructions? > Somehow both of its own sharp, blade-like arms had been twisted around > to fatally impale itself TBS: I think I know who did it. ICE: Shh. > while its serpent-like head hung from its neck by a thin string of > red tendon, almost decapitated. SAMAS: The part of the dying Scyther will be played by Yuffie Kisaragi. MARK: More wishful thinking. > The mangled green corpse gradually came > to a stop before their feet. TIFF : And it's landed, just short of the green... > For a short moment there was silence. TBS: Then someone shouted "BARF!" > Then one of the raiders shouted in anger. "My scyther! EON : My scyther and me! > Whoever did this, I'll kill him!" TBS : I'm hungry for some pie... some *revenge* pie! [A pause.] SAMAS : What does that even mean? > From behind a burning building, a tall figure wrapped in a long, black > hooded cloak abruptly SAMAS: --took off running. MARK
: Shit! He's going to kill me! Shit! Shit! > stepped out into sight. The cloak was flapping EON
: I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the swarm of Forest Imps standing between you and a save point! I... am Darkwing Duck! > sinuously, slightly open in the hot wind, ICE : The hot, despairing wind of my *soooouul*.... TBS: Is that the cool hot wind or what? > revealing a man's lean but > muscular body, shrouded in darkness. TIFF: Oh, look. It's Sephiroth, back from the dead... *again*. > His face was concealed in the > deep shadows of the hooded cowl, ICE
: Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? > leaving only bright, golden-brown eyes > visible. They seemed to glow in the dark; MARK: It's a mutated hideously-deformed creature of superhuman size and strength! > two points TBS: He shoots! HE SCORES! > of flaring yellow light. SAMAS: Nine hundred ninety-eight points left to go. > Which narrowed threateningly. TBS: Thus becoming what are known in the Shouting and Killing People trade as "cold slits." ICE: The golden-brown eyes, or the flaring yellow light--which narrowed threateningly? MARK: Period bad. Comma good. > "Arrogant bastard, isn't he? Think you're a Pokemon Master with that > cloak?" EON
: No, I'm just passing through. TIFF : Your cloak says "Pokemon Master" *on it*. EON
: I got it at a yard sale. > the bald woman raider mocked. ICE: My *God*, what did Lara *do* to her *hair*? > "Surround him!" SAMAS : Knucklehead! Numbskull! Bozo! Get those dynamic dumdums! [The '60s "Batman" soundtrack starts playing.] TBS: Boy, retro jokes are cool! > The huge charizard, tauros, pinsirs, and their trainers walked around > to slowly encircle the cloaked stranger. ICE : And *now*... we play *Keep-Away*! SAMAS : I got his hat! TBS
: Hey! > The frightened towns-people scattered about the area watched in > terrified silence, thoughts of escape forgotten. MARK: Nothing quells fear and panic like an impromptu showdown. EON : Well, I *could* take this opportunity to escape with my loved ones and avoid a messy death, but, hey, why do that when I can watch a guy get curbstomped! SAMAS: At this point, the *really* smart people should find whatever cover's available. TIFF: Whatever you say, Arlieth. > "Do you have anything to say for yourself?" the woman raider asked > scornfully. [A beat.] MARK
: Uh... do you know any Gershwin? [ALL whisper amongst themselves.] SAMAS : Um... *I* like a Gershwin tune... how about you? > "Before you are roasted alive?" EON : I'd like myself to be medium rare, please. TBS : And hold the barbecue sauce. > Her charizard snorted in antici ALL: Say it! Say it! > pation, TBS: He's just a sweet transvestite. TIFF: You be quiet. > leaving rings of smoke to shine in the moonlight before > they dissipated into the darkness. SAMAS: Hey! Those rings are copyrighted by an act of Congress! > The black-cloaked figure snapped his fingers. A tiny, shadowy form > leaped out of the small brown backpack he wore to land by his feet. ICE : Meowth! That's right! > "Pikachu... [ICE snaps his fingers.] ICE: Close. TIFF: You wish. > I choose you." The voice was soft but deep; the order barely > carrying to them so it could be heard. TBS : What? You speaking to me? What? What? > There was a dangerous quality to > it that sent a feeling of apprehension down the raiders' necks. SAMAS: Nope, that was the poison ivy. > Then they looked down at the cloaked stranger's pokemon. TBS : That's... that's not a Pikachu! That's one of the Kung-Fu Creatures on the Rampage! ICE : III! > Next to its tall master it looked contrastingly small as it crouched, > its head barely reaching the man's shin. TBS: Lesson one: never diss the little guy. MARK : Poke-X is the best there is at what Poke-X does bub. > It seemed to be an ordinary pikachu, EON : With an ordinary name... but ordinary's *just not good enough today*... > an electric mouse with pointed ears and a long tail the shape of > a lightning bolt. TBS : It's electric! [TBS. EON, and ICE stand up and start doing the "Electric Slide."] EON : You can't see it! TBS, EON, ICE : It's electric! ICE : You gotta feel it! TBS, EON, ICE : It's electric! TIFF : At least they're not doing the Macarena. SAMAS : I'm not as comforted by that as you'd think. > Except this one's colour was not a bright yellow with orange stripes, > but a full-bodied, matt black. EON: [sits down] Matt Black? Wasn't he Max Headroom? TIFF: No, that was Matt Frewer. SAMAS: Matt Black pilots the Bebop and catches bounties with-- MARK: That's Jet Black. SAMAS: Oh. TBS: Then he's the guy from Tenacious D. ICE: No, that's *Jack* Black. MARK: Then he's the two-fisted doctor from that Tezuka manga. TBS: No, that's *Black Jack*. TIFF: And that's enough of this joke. TBS: But Tiffer... TIFF: I *said* I was going to kick the chainsaw habit, Snot. *Please* don't make me break my word. TBS: [gulps] Yes'm. > If it weren't for its round eyes glowing a > bright cobalt-blue MARK: Wally West, beware! > and the light from the fires, it might have been > perfectly camouflaged in the dark night TBS : You can't see me. ICE : Yes I can, you're right there. TBS : You *can't see me*. [A beat.] TBS : I'm *pi-camouflaged*. ALL: ... SAMAS: That hurt like nothing I've ever experienced. > as it crouched on all fours, jagged tail in the air. > > She laughed out loud. "That's a weird pikachu, stranger, but Charizard > will still roast that puny thing into oblivion! TBS : ...just 'cos I'm black. ICE : That's no ordinary Pikachu! That's the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever laid eyes on! MARK: It's the Tankara 2001 limited edition Black Pikachu! Only available in small numbers through exclusive dealers! Coming soon to a bargain bin near you. > Charizard, Flamethrower!" EON : I love the smell of roasted pikachu in the morning. > The huge, red winged-dragon rose up to its full height of twenty feet > and inhaled sharply. A powerful wind arose, the air ruffling the > stranger's cloak and causing the pointed ears of the black pikachu to > sway back and forth. MARK : *Whoof*! SAMAS : Sorry, sorry, that was me. TBS
: Dude, what did you *eat*, a *landfill*? *Phew*! > Then the charizard leaned forward and exploded a huge tongue of > bright red flame towards the little black pokemon and its master. ICE : I'll get you, my pretty, *and* your little trainer, too! > But suddenly the sound of electricity crackled in the night air and the > fire was repelled by a shield of black electrical energy. SAMAS: We've secretly replaced the Pikachu with Magneto. Let's see if the raiders noticed... ICE : MAGNETIC TEMP--I mean, um... pi! Pikachu! > It sparked and hissed violently as it deflected the flame harmlessly > to the sides before winking out. TIFF: Oh, *I* get it. The little black runt booked the match. MARK: Hey, are you sure this isn't a "Marisu" pokemon? [ALL groan.] > "Pikachu. Lightning Vortex." EON : Playtime... is over. > The little black pikachu nodded. MARK : Poke-X needs to kill. Pika pika. Bub. > Abruptly, the crackle of electricity returned and a dark eerie > glow surrounded the small, strange pokemon. TBS: It's an evil, black, *radioactive* Pikachu. SAMAS: That might explain the coloration. EON: It's Pika-X! MARK : It's *Poke-X*. EON: Whatever. > The raiders stepped backwards, startled. They had never seen the > like of this attack before. ICE : Dude! It's not even in GameFAQs! TBS : I *hate* GameSharkers. > A sharp wind began to kick up and rotate around the pikachu and its > master. TIFF: How did we get to _Akira_ all of a sudden? TBS : PIKACHUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! ICE : MEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWTH! > Dust, leaves and debris from the destruction of the town's > buildings began to stir and rise. TBS : What time is it? > Rocks and planks of wood lifted into the air. SAMAS: Whoah! "Dragonball" flashback. ICE: Hey, yeah! I've seen this episode! This is from the episode where these two guys are fighting, and one guy hits the other with an energy beam and a big cloud of smoke comes up, and everyone says "Wow!" and "Good job!" and everything, and then the smoke floats away and the guy who got hit is standing there perfectly healthy, and everyone goes "Huh?" and the guy smirks! You ever see that episode? SAMAS: ... ICE: You know which episode I'm thinking of, right? I'm thinking of *every episode ever*! SAMAS: Okay, okay! Jesus! > The charizard began to slide forward despite its huge weight. It grunted > in confusion, then fear as it began to slide faster. MARK : Just slide with me... slide with me. Take a walk with me... come walk with me... > It flapped its wings to take off, but that was a mistake SAMAS: He miscalculated the speed and overshot the runway. > as it was only pulled into the powerful winds that much faster. TIFF: ...*huh*? > The raiders themselves began to get inhaled, ICE: Did *you* ever use raiders? EON : Yes, but I never inhaled. > as well as everything around them that wasn't securely attached > to the ground. The tauros squealed as it scrabbled TIFF : All right! Double-triple word score! ICE : Plus a bonus for using all of my letters... > backward, hooves digging into the dirt. TBS : I'm digging in the dirt... stay with me, I need some more... > However the wind was becoming much too strong. ICE : I'm here to PUMP you up! > "What the devil of an attack is this?" SAMAS: Twister, I believe, from Gold and Silver. MARK: But, why the Electric property? TIFF: Don't think about it. It can only hurt more. > the charizard's trainer shouted in confusion as she tried to claw > herself through the air and back to the ground. It was useless. TBS: And stupid. MARK: And cartoony-looking, too. > The velocity of the pokemon-made tornado picked up speed and soon > the town was just a revolving blur to the raiders and their pokemon > as they spun around wildly. ICE: The tornado has a bus signboard reading "Oz." EON : At this point, Jin Saotome dropped by and kicked the little rodent's ass for swiping his moves. > Then the pikachu screamed, "PIKA!" MARK: And lo, seven thunders echoed their voices. > and a ring of destructive lightning > exploded from the centre of the vortex - from the pikachu itself. EON : Then Jin came back and kicked the fucker's ass *again*, because he obviously didn't learn anything the *first* time. > A flash of darkest energy was seen and the raiders and their pokemon > knew no more. EON: The more you learn, the more you know. ICE: Yeah. EON: The more you know, the more you forget, right? ICE: Yeah, so? EON: Why learn? [Rimshot.] > <><><> ALL : Lucy in the sky with diamonds... > The cloaked figure and the pikachu stood in silence. [ICE and MARK look at each other and begin acting as if they are speaking to each other, but no sound is coming out.] > Around them, the ring of raiders and their pokemon lay unconscious, > if not dead, smoking, some even on fire. The charizard was definitely > dead, SAMAS: The sign reading "This Charizard is dead, dead, dead!" was a dead giveaway. TBS : 'E's passed *on*! This Charizard is *no more*! He has *ceased* to *be*! 'E's *expired* and *gone* to meet 'is *maker*! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e *rests* in *peace*! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir *invisibile*! *THIS*... IS AN *EX- CHARIZARD*! TIFF: Yes, *thank you*. > its body ripped in two distinct pieces, TBS : Pikachu. Wins. FATALITY! TIFF : We have a woman here who says she bought her son a Charizard and within half an hour, its head came off. What do you think, Roy? MARK : Well, frankly, HG, she was damned lucky. [picks up Charizard doll] I mean, they just came apart like this, and this, and this, and... [dismembers it] TIFF : There you go. Roy's managed to destroy it in thirty seconds. If your Charizard lasts a half hour, you're lucky. > the severed ends, blackened and frayed. The smell > of cooked meat and dissipated electricity hung heavily in the > night air. ICE: I was catching some shut-eye between work...what work there was, anyway. I'm the man people call to work out life's problems. I'm Guy Noir, private eye. EON: It was a dark and stormy night. I had just got back from the Five Spot, having had a deep philosophical conversation with Jimmy about kitchen utensils and their place in the life of my ex-girlfriend, Sugar--specifically, in her head. MARK: My next client stepped in, all nerves. Her eyes were so blue, they made Bessie May look like Britney Spears, and her blouse was so tight I could read the brand name logo on her bra. It was going to be a tough night. > "Good work, Pikachu." TBS : We eat tonight! > The little black electric mouse stood up on its hind legs. "Pii." It > jumped back into the backpack, its small head poking out the top. MARK: Ewww... SAMAS: Mark... TBS : Hey, good one. Oh, you're definitely going to fit in here. MARK: ...double ewww. TBS: Okay, you can stop now. > The towns-people began to approach them wearily despite their instincts TIFF: And their senses of self-preservation... > to just flee from a man who revealed himself as so dangerous. ICE: I suggest you run. I suggest you ambulate as fast as the local gravity will allow. > A white-haired older man who was most probably their leader or Mayor EON: Thanks, helpful story! > was in the lead. TBS : But, here comes the Village Idiot coming up fast! Oh, my! Village Idiot took the lead turning the bend, leaving behind leader or Mayor... TIFF : HERE THEY *come* spinnin'outtatheturn... > "T-That was most impressive." He looked at the pikachu staring curiously > at him from its perch on the stranger's backpack and shivered. How could > such a small pokemon be that powerful? ICE: It's SI-riffic! > He shook his head and regarded the > cloaked stranger again. "B-But, who are you?" MARK : I'm Batman! TBS : I'm Spartacus! EON : No! I'm Spartacus! ICE : I'm... Darkwing Duck! SAMAS : I know you are, but what am I? TIFF : Who am I? I AM JEAAAAN PAAAAL-JEAAAAAN! > The stranger lifted his hand towards the hood covering his head and > slowly removed it, settling it back behind his shoulders. TIFF: Skeletor? What the hell? > It revealed a handsome, young man's face, who seemed to be in his > early twenties, although his golden-brown eyes seemed older than > their time. SAMAS: Must have been an organ transplant. TBS: You know, I once knew this forty-five-year old Italian guy who had the heart of a seventeen-year-old girl. TIFF: That's nice. Is he a romantic at heart? TBS: No. He literally had the heart of a seventeen-year-old girl. He showed me the scar. TIFF: ... > The night wind picked up again, blowing the smoke of the ruined > village in the background. EON: Please note that the wind has appeared more than anybody in this entire story so far. > It ruffled the stranger's longish black hair, causing > it to fall half across his face and obscure part of his vision. SAMAS: Someone call makeup! We have a bad case of anime hair here! TIFF: Aww. Is oo a widdle bishounen boy? Yes, oo is! TBS, MARK, EON: Awww, bishy-boo-boo! > He blew the lock of hair out of his eyes with an upturned lip and > a gust of breath. He answered them. "I am Ash." [A beat.] SAMAS: ...you *are not*. TIFF: Shh. > <><><> > > Warm healing light from the morning sun bathed itself over the small > half-destroyed town. MARK : Ness gains 8 HP. Paula gains 10 HP. Jeff gains 7 HP. Poo gains 7 HP. ICE: How the light became squeaky clean... we'll never understand. > Despite this the air was still freezing cold, > causing the villagers to shiver slightly as they worked hard at > repairing their homes. TBS : A-shibadashi-badashi-badoo! ALL : Hey, we can dig it! TBS : A-shibadashi-badashi-badoo! ALL : Hey, we can dig it! > The raiders had caused such extensive damage that it would > be some time before the town recovered if at all. TIFF: Ironically, Vash the Stampede came through town the next day. > But at times like these, TBS: ...people could sure go for a cool glass of Tiffany Milk. [MARK pales and dryheaves. TIFF counts slowly to ten backwards.] > people could only try. The sound of hammers ringing on anvils > reverberated loudly in the still air and the sawing of wood echoed > among the destroyed buildings. MARK: Much of this could be attributed to the lazy bums among them who were sleeping while everybody else worked. [TBS and EON make snoring noises.] > Ash sighed as he warmed one of his hands on the fire and sipped > some tea from a mug in the other. SAMAS: Multitasking and Pokemon training. Essential skills for the new age badass. > Leaning back on to the rough trunk of a tall tree, he combed the > hair out of his eyes. ICE: Hairy eyeballs. Now I've seen everything! > Hard to believe this had once been Pallet Town. SAMAS: Yes, it is. MARK : I mean... Where's the Soda Shoppe?! TBS : Yeah! All I see here now are... video arcades? > It had been so long. Now he knew no one. > They were all strangers. TBS: But are they *perfect* strangers? MARK : You must be cou-zin Larry Ap-pel-ton! > He closed his eyes. He was a stranger. EON: Why do I feel like I've suddenly fallen into "Operation Mindcrime?" > A giggle interrupted his internal monologue and he sighed again. Would > these kids ever leave him alone? TBS : KIDS JUST HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING! TIFF: Okay, *shut up*. > He opened his eyes to observe the crowds > of children, infants and teenagers alike as they scampered around his > campsite at the edge of the raided town and the forest. ICE : Here we see the Big-Mouthed Twerp in its natural habitat... > "Does that cloak mean it's true you're a Pokemon Master?" SAMAS : No, I keep telling you! I'm Darkwing Duck! Darkwing Duck! I need a new agent.... > "Why don't you have any more poke-balls?" ICE : Do you know how hard it is to get balls from a-- TIFF: Stop right there. > "Silly, he's only got one pokemon." > > "How come you only have one pokemon?" TIFF : Cheap maintenance. > "I've never heard of a Master with only one pokemon." > > "Mister, why is your pikachu a weird colour?" TBS : Two words, kids: ste-roids. ICE : That's only one word, mister. TBS : Oh, really? [pauses] Say, kid, want to poke the Pikachu with this iron rod? > And the questions they asked. He couldn't believe he had been this > noisy as a kid. He must have really been annoying. ALL: Amen! > Pikachu, for his part, calmly munched on his apple as he stared into the > campfire. "Pika-pii..." MARK: Translation: "You were *really* annoying." > Then a new voice spoke up. "I've heard about the one with the black, > or 'shadow' pikachu." TIFF : So you're gay as a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide, huh? SAMAS : I... what? Hey! > It was a skeptical woman who had been observing them > from afar for some time but only now had come closer. EON: Hey, it's the plot fairy! ICE: [pouts] But I wanted the *hentai* fairy to visit... > She was a pretty, blonde woman who most probably had turned the heads > of many men. TIFF: She knows aikido? > Ash ignored her, his whimsical mood darkening, TBS: Heh heh. So internal monologues and bitching about them annoying whippersnappers is his *whimsical* mood. EON: Apparently so. > and looked down to contemplate the bubbles in his tea. SAMAS : Why does this taste like lime-scented detergent? EON : He stood there, contemplating tea and honey and fine threads of saidar... > "It is said that he was unbeatable and that he was once the top trainer > in the Pokemon League." MARK: Then, he went and cooked everybody else's Pokemon and fed them to their trainers. No one could really stand for that. > The kids hearing this, fell to silence. They began to look at him > fearfully. Some even began to step backward. SAMAS: So... the Pokemon League is evil? ICE: Oh yeah. You can't even get to the White Wolf shelves anymore for all the kids blowing their allowance on booster packs. > "Then one day he disappeared..." TIFF: Not really. They just chose to ignore him completely. > Ash put his mug down, picked up his long cloak and stood up. It was time > for him to leave. It was always time for him to leave. ICE : One day... I *disappear*! > He looked up to find that all of the children had made their escape. TIFF : No! I still need them for my stew! > However, one of the teenagers was still there. "Mister, I don't believe > for one instant you were one of the evil Pokemon League," she said > forcefully. EON : You're the tooth fairy! TBS : I'm pretty sure you're Santa Claus. Tee hee. > It was the girl he had saved from last night. "No one who was > one of them could be as heroic and handsome as you are..." SAMAS: Whoop! Ego alert! > The blonde woman sucked in her breath. "You don't know who you're talking > to..." TBS : He could be one of those midget rapists... ICE : Hey! > Ash just began to roll up his sleeping bag impassively. "She is right. > You do not know me." He clenched his black-gloved fist and stared at it, MARK : How *do* I get rid of this sixth finger? > his thoughts a thousand miles away. ICE: Why am I not surprised? > "You do not know me at all." TIFF: *Thanks*, Don Henley! EON : And if you don't know me by now... ALL : You will never never never know me, oooo... > <><><> [ICE stretches his hand outward, then pulls it back sharply.] ICE: OW! Damn things are sharp... > Seemingly permanently hidden behind its dense layer of grey clouds, ICE : What do you mean, "seemingly"? Either it is or it isn't... > the afternoon sun slowly slid across its downward trajectory along > the sky. TIFF: Unfortunately, due to a *slight* miscalculation, it overshot its mark, and landed right on top of Ash, burning him to a crisp. MARK: Feeling dark? TIFF: Always, buddy. TBS: Don't you mean "*melting* him to a crisp?" TIFF: ... [snickers] Shaddap. > Although the wind was beginning to pick up speed, ruffling Ash's cloak > and hood, the deserted ruins of the city were silent. Almost too silent. TBS: Hey, look. It's the city. ICE: Yeah. A little *too* the city. [TIFF groans.] > Not even the insects were chirping their songs, MARK: As they do in most Disney features. > though overgrown foliage was plentiful among the stones. Ash > shrugged his black cloak around his shoulders slightly, loosening > it. There might be a battle soon. SAMAS: So it's best to take off your clothes! Good point! ICE: I guess you're thinking of a different kind of battle. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, saynomore? SAMAS: I... shut up! > Someone > was following him. And it seemed ... like with hostile intent. ICE : I can feel the storm, it's coming... TBS: It looked as if a night of dark intent was coming, and not only a night, an age. > "Chu..." Pikachu said sadly from atop Ash's left shoulder as he looked > around at the debris that used to be Viridian City. Ash understood > Pikachu's sadness. MARK : His medulla oblangata must be fixed! > This place held memories for him too. It was the first > city he had reached back in his training days. If not for Nurse Joy, TBS: Ash would have never learned about cu-- TIFF: Look, I'm *trying* to be nice here, okay? > Pikachu would not be here now, and most likely he would not be here > either. Most likely, dead. RACE : ...damn nurse. SAMAS : Hey, you got me for that in "Curse of the Nightmare." Don't you start that now. > He and Pikachu had stuck by each other through > thick and thin. MARK: Like Jack and Hanpan. ICE: Except Pikachu wasn't a smartass. > Ash stared at the broken-down wall of one of the old buildings. In fact > that was probably part of the Pokemon Center which had saved Pikachu's > life. Now this city was nothing but a deserted forest of crumbling > rubble. Even the air smelled dead. TBS: Hey, neat. Ash is breathing static. TIFF: Either that, or something we don't want to know about. > It was just like all the other major > cities that had been destroyed back in the Dark Pokemon Wars. SAMAS: Ah yes, the Dark Pokemon Wars. I'll never forget the Dark Pokemon Wars. [pause] What the flying Wiggly*hell* are the Dark Pokemon Wars? ICE: This is like the early issues of _Legion of Super-Heroes_ volume 4. We're on the other side of the Eleven Year Gap. > A cloud of dust was picked up by the wind and he held his hand > over his nose and mouth as it passed. SAMAS : Damn, Pikachu! Where are your manners? > He could still feel the itch on the back of his neck. MARK : Damn spiders. EON: He ought to get that poison ivy rash looked at. > Whoever it was, was still following them. It kept a safe distance > and didn't seem to be advancing on them... Yet. TIFF: He's standing in the shadows because it hasn't happened... yet. > Pikachu's ears pricked up. "Pika?" SAMAS : I sense a disturbance in the force... > Ash turned to the little pokemon riding on his shoulder. "Yes, there's > someone following us, Pikachu. But they seem to be keeping back-" > > "PIKA!" TIFF: Translation: "Irony's a bitch, ain't it?" > The crumbling stone wall they had been walking parallel to abruptly > exploded with a hail of sharp rocks. Shrapnel and rubble showered over > them in a spiked, painful rain as a massive object crashed through with a > rumble the sound of thunder. ICE: Aw... probably Mihoshi learning how to parallel park again. > "What?" Ash grunted, as he quickly threw Pikachu away to safety, SAMAS: Or what he *thought* was safety. He *really* threw him smack into a beehive. > just in time, before he was smashed back painfully, to roll sideways > along the gravel of the old road. After rolling away at what he thought > a sufficient distance, TIFF: ...this guy makes it *too* easy. Really. > he swung to his feet, jumped and backflipped away > to land on top of the opposite wall. EON: Somewhere, far away, Jackie Chan is sobbing. > He threw the hood of his cloak back > and brushed his hand across his temple. MARK : Please wait while I comb my hair. > He felt the slight stickiness of TIFF: Pre-emptive "shut up." TBS: Nuts. > blood. ICE : I hope this is not *my* blood. > "Pikachu! To me!" TBS: Oh, now he's the *PokemonMaster*, eh? MARK: I think the two ferrets and hawk would still be preferred over the Pokemon. EON: But they don't sell as many toys and junk. MARK: Point. > His small companion leaped to land on his left shoulder > once again. SAMAS: Why did I suddenly imagine Ash with an eyepatch and saying "Nyar!"? ICE : Pikaaa! Pikaaa! Pika wanna cracker! Piiikaaa! > Then he turned to the scene of the attack with narrowed eyes. > > Dust was floating around everywhere. It was hard to even make out the > wall they had been walking next to. He raised his hand to shelter his > face as he quickly searched. He had not even sensed this threat. Which > meant the attacker was one of *them*. SAMAS: Them *who*? Across? ICE: The Avengers? EON: Young Justice? TBS: The Terran Federation's Mutoids? TIFF: Robin Hood and his Merry Men? MARK: Yuri's Slave Miners? SAMAS: The Borg? ICE: The Sopranos? EON: The cast of Saturday Night Live? TBS: Smashing Pumpkins? TIFF: Tom and the Robots? MARK: Maybe it's Venom and Carnage and Ash is being played by Peter Parker? [A pause.] SAMAS: Nah! That'd be silly. > Finally the dust settled. ICE: It found a wife, paid for a house in the countryside, and raised little dustbunnies. > There was a gaping trench in the wall and next to it lay a huge, > brown boulder about a dozen feet across. Then with a loud creaking > of stone, thick, grey limbs began to sprout from the massive rock. EON: Hey! It's an Inhumanoid! > Large claws as sharp as daggers extended from the newly-made appendages > and a snake-like head grew from the centre of what would be its torso. > The eyes on the rocky, serpent head, suddenly swivelled open. They > were an angry red - the colour of blood. TIFF: Yes. This fanfiction is *dark*. You can tell that it is dark because it craftily refers to *blood* in some way, shape, or form every ten words. Did I mention that this fic is *dark*? TBS: Really? Never crossed *my* mind. SAMAS: But it has Pikachu in it! He's *cute*, isn't he? > "TRAITOR," the head hissed. MARK: If I imagine this as being said by the "Worms" voice track, it sounds really funny. > "Golemdor," EON: Ack! No Harry Potter! ICE: *Golem*dor, not *Gryffin*dor. EON: ...oh. Phew. > Ash acknowledged, turning his body slightly sideways in alert > preparation. TBS: He's alert... LIKE A FOX! > "IT WAS YOU WHO INTERFERED WITH THE RAID ON THE PALLET SETTLEMENT > YESTERDAY. YOU HAVE BEEN A LOOSE CANNON TOO LONG, ASHURA. ALL: ..."Ashura?" SAMAS: We've been reading about that glitch version of Sonic? MARK: No, isn't Ashura the star of that manga by CLAMP, RG Veda? TBS: Nah. It's one of the swords Cyan uses in FF6. The third one, I think. > TODAY IT ENDS. YOU SHALL FINALLY PAY FOR YOUR TREACHERY." MARK : Go to jail! Go directly to jail! Do not pass go! Do not collect $200! > "I think not." SAMAS: And *poof,* he vanished from existence. TBS: At that moment, the bartender was enlightened. > The red serpentine eyes swivelled to Pikachu who was sitting on Ash's > shoulder. "I SEE YOU ARE STILL TRAVELLING WITH THE LITTLE ONE." It > focused on Pikachu completely. ICE : Hey! He's cute! TBS : I want to hug him, and squeeze him, and call him George! > "YOU COULD HAVE HAD POWER LIKE THE REST > OF US. WHY DO YOU TRAVEL WITH THE ASSASSIN?" > > "Pika-pikachu!" ICE: Loosely translated, that means, "because he's my love muffin." MARK: Ice... > Pikachu chattered angrily from atop his shoulder. Ash > narrowed his eyes at the mention of the name the Golem had called him. TBS : Did you just call me a sassy? MARK : I called you Assassin, numbnuts! TBS : Oh, I must have misheard. Sor--hey! > "YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO POKEMON-KIND!" the Golem roared in response to > whatever Pikachu had said. TBS : He's *my* love muffin and *you* know it! > "EARTHQUAKE!" It lifted a huge stone fist and pounded the ground. TIFF: First it's Magneto, now it's Juggernaut. TBS: Ash must remind him of his brother. > The earth shook wildly as a large jagged crack rapidly approached > the wall he was standing on. Ash leaped high into the air, tossing > Pikachu to the side just before the quake reached it and reduced > the stone wall to dust. MARK: Wait. Did that line just say that he tossed his Pikachu to the side that the quake reached? > As he landed softly upon the ground on one knee, a hand clutching a > loose fold of his cloak steady, TBS: ...his other hand on his crotch... SAMAS : Jump back! Kiss myself! OWW! > the massive Golem again pounded the earth in its Earthquake attack, > this time using both of its fists. Ash was hard-pressed to avoid > the cracks of destruction heading his way as he turned a backward > somersault then hand-flipped smoothly across the ruins. MARK: Hm. He must be trained in Gymkata as well. SAMAS: I'm getting a strong R.A. Salvatore vibe from all of this. > He barely dodged the wildly-shaking earth attacks that shredded the > ground behind and below him like a rapid jack-hammer. EON: And a moment of silence for Goldberg... TBS: Not bloody likely. > Then he exhaled in pain as a piece of rock shaped like a dagger > flew up and embedded itself into his leg. He landed painfully and slid > along on his chest, the gravel digging into the palms of his hands. TIFF: He's beta-testing a Slip'N'Slide. > "Chu!" Pikachu shouted in alarm, leaping to distract the huge Golem. > Black lightning began to spark from his cheeks. "Pika pi!" [MARK shakes his head, snickering.] SAMAS: What? MARK: Just... I was thinking that Pikachu was gonna urinate on-- SAMAS: Don't. MARK: Well, it sounded... SAMAS: Just DON'T! TIFF: [sighs] I hate this place. > The Golem grunted as it stopped its Earthquake attack. "DIE," it > rasped as the huge animalistic boulder began to charge the small > pokemon. The ground rumbled from its immense weight. ICE: Fat Bastard has competition. TBS : I'm not fat! I'm big-boned! > Ash looked up in apprehension. "Pikachu!" > > "PIKA!" Pikachu cried, ICE: Translation: "Shut up and BLEED, you motherfucker!" > body crackling violently as it sent a powerful black thunderbolt > toward the oncoming Golem. However, despite the extreme strength > of the dark electric attack, it dissipated harmlessly over the > rock pokemon's stony-hard body. SAMAS : And why is this, class? TBS, TIFF, EON : Stone Pokemon no-sell lightning attacks. SAMAS: Riiiiight... > The huge, limbed boulder continued forward in its mad charge. MARK: And somewhere, the members of the Light Brigade facepalmed. > "No!" Ash called out desperately. Exhaling a breath in pain, he ripped > out the piece of stone shrapnel from his leg, then leaped forward, > knocking Pikachu out of the way. The Golem careened past and screamed in > frustration at missing its intended target. After skidding to a stop, it > looked at Ash lying on the ground nearby with a malevolent > gleam in its blood-red eyes. EON: Ooh! Now he can pose his body into interesting positions! > It grabbed him with one of its huge rock-like fists and pain exploded > in his torso as its tight grip began to squeeze the life out of him. ICE: Hmmm... freshly-squeezed Ash juice... > "NOW YOU DIE," the Golem chuckled. MARK: That or get really really hurt. > It opened its palm slightly to allow > access to the front of Ash's body [A pause.] TIFF: Oh, great. Now *I'm* getting images. TBS: See? See? It's not *my* fault! TIFF: Just shut up, Snot. > and then, snorting in rough laughter, gave him two massive EON: Peaches. > punches EON: Oh. > into his chest with its free arm before tossing him away like a > broken toy. SAMAS : Aw, mommy, this Ash is broken now. Next Christmas, I want a Barbie doll. > Ash uncontrollably flipped in midair then crashed on the hard ground > with a muted thump on his back and continued to slide painfully away. TBS : Wheeee*ouch!*eeeee*ouch!*eeee*ow!*eeee! > His cloak ripped in several places as > the rocky and jagged ground's friction took its toll, before a large > piece of stony rubble stopped his momentum with a crunching sound. MARK: No, I think that was Ice. ICE : Mmph? [hides bag] > Feeling like his chest had caved in and died, Ash coughed and spat > out a mixture of blood and saliva TBS: BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! ICE: BLOOD BLOOD LICKY LICKY BLOOD! TIFF: This fanfiction is dark. Yes. Dark as dark can be. > as he lay on the ground and rolled over. TBS: Hey, he does tricks! TIFF : That's a good Ash! You did great, Ash! Have a doggie biscuit! EON : Arf! > Slowly, he got up on his hands and knees, shaking furiously. "Now you've > gotten me angry, Golemdor. And you'll see just why they called me the > Assassin." SAMAS: *Another* "Ash the Assassin?" MARK: No, you're thinking of the terrorist version. ICE: ...Ash as a *terrorist*? TBS : I wonder if he apologizes to people after he blows up their property... EON : You're assuming he's competent enough to get that far. MARK : Now, now, Jim, nowhere is it said that being antisocial is a requirement for being a terrorist. ICE: ... > His voice was low and calm. His voice was death. TIFF: Dark. EON: How? > The Golem looked at him in confusion. MARK : Why aren't you wearing pants? ICE : No wonder I felt drafty. > It had expected the human to be > lifeless. Dead. Granted, this one had once been a Pokemon Master in the > Pokemon League, but at the heart of things, he was still a puny human. SAMAS: So was Bruce Banner. > It had given enough blows into its chest to shatter concrete, let > alone bone. EON: If you're an anime character and you *still* don't get anime logic, you are *boned*. > "HOW CAN YOU STILL BE ALIVE?" MARK : Oh, come *on*! I'm Ashura freaking KETCHUM! I'm the ultimate self-insert! Don't you read manga? > "That's a question you'll soon be asking yourself!' Ash cried, TIFF: So, the Golem's going to ask himself why Ash is still alive? > before flipping to his feet and streaking forward so fast that his > form blurred into a live shadow. EON : Oh yes, they call him the Streak... > The Golem tried to dodge, but it was much > to slow to avoid the massive step-roundhouse kick aimed at its legs, TIFF: Have you ever seen someone throw a step roundhouse? *Blind* people can see it coming! > then another and another. Dust rose as with each hit, the Golem was > knocked backward. ICE : Haru Ichiban! SAMAS: [shudders] Don't DO that! > But the Golem seemed unperturbed. "FOOL! YOU CANNOT HOPE TO DAMAGE ME," > it taunted as each hit seemed to fail to affect it. But it began to > feel apprehension TIFF : Does he like me? Does he think I'm being too unperturbed? MARK : I wonder if he noticed my new rock-cut? > at the furious attack the human displayed. After all, back > in the Dark Pokemon Wars, this one had gained a reputation... MARK: E-- TIFF, SAMAS: Don't. MARK: What? > Ash paused in his rapid attack, standing on one heel, before seeming to > make the very light bend around his fore-knuckle fist ICE: Hey! That's Banishing Blade! Put that back! > as he struck forward with a single massive blow, scoring directly > across both thick, rocky legs. TBS : FUCK! My shins! > Then he leaped backward, high in the air, before flipping > around with a one and a half twist and landing lightly on an intact > section of the wall. TIFF: Which collapsed and buried him under its weight. The end. > The sound of his boots striking the stone was non-existent. MARK: It was on maternity leave. > "You were already dead from the first hit," he stated calmly, as the > folds of his cloak settled around him. [TIFF pulls out a notebook and a pen, chewing on the tip of the pen.] TIFF: That's... from "Fist of the North Star," right? SAMAS: I... think so? MARK: I can vouch for that, yeah. TIFF: Good enough. [writes something down] ICE : What are you doing? TIFF: I wanna see how many ripoffs I can spot. MARK: You might be needing more pages in that notebook. > Too calmly, the Golem suddenly worried. Time seemed to stand still. > "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE - NOOO!" Its legs abruptly gave way from > underneath it as they crumbled into dust like the fine sand of > an hourglass. ALL: ...as are the days of our lives... we know... > The torso of the boulder-like pokemon cracked at the loss of its > support and toppled over to land on its back. "IMPOSSIBLE! THIS > IS NOT POSSIBLE! I AM INDESTRUCTIBLE!" EON : I AM EENVEEEEEENCEEBALL! TBS, ICE, SAMAS : We are strong, we are tough, we're INVINCIBLE! > It tried to lift itself up by the use of its remaining > arms, but lost balance and fell over again. ICE : Help! I've fallen and I can't get up! > Ash held his right arm out horizontally and Pikachu landed on it. TBS: Pikachu is *not* a bird, story! > "We shall see." He threw Pikachu high into the air. TBS: ...then used an overhead spike to serve. MARK: Pokemon volleyball. It's the new thing. > "Finish it! Thunder Shatter!" > > Midair, the little pikachu rolled into ball and began to emit a dark > light. MARK: Ooo, a dark li--say what? ICE: Dark light. It's often found in the company of deafening silence and military intelligence. EON: I'll bet this comes in handy when Ash's blacklight burns out. > "FOOLS! I AM IMPERVIOUS TO ELECTRICAL ATTACKS." SAMAS : I know! I was *there*! > "PIKA!" The air around the pikachu suddenly roared with thunder > and began to spark black lightning as it descended towards the Golem. All: Ooooooooh... aaaaaaah... [A pause.] TBS: So, what's on RAW? > "WHA-WHAT IS THIS?" it shouted in alarm as the small pokemon collided > into its chest with a spray of stone shrapnel MARK: How'd they fit those shrapnel in those aerosol cans? SAMAS: Mark... MARK: I'm trying to cope here! > and shot into its body like a bullet through flesh. When the pikachu > had fully entered its rocky torso, TBS: As long as this torso doesn't lead to a vagina... OTHERS: Hear, hear! > the Golem started to vibrate madly, pebbles and rocks falling away > from its skin. "WHA-WHAT MA-MANNER O-OF A-ATTACK I-IS T-THI-" EON: Cheap shot attack. > It didn't get to finish its question. The Golem's body turned black and > its body began to invert into itself as if it were trying to implode. MARK: I've heard of going into a shell, but this is ridiculous. > Then the rumble of thunderclaps and flashes of black lightning exploded > from within it and instead the Golem was ripped apart into countless tiny > pieces of rock and dust. TBS: Whoa. Talk about an oversell. MARK: I wish Stone Cold would oversell like that... just once... ICE: Wishful thinking. > When the thunder stopped cracking, all that was left in the centre of the > explosion was the little black pikachu. A ring of grey and brown dust and > rock lay piled around in a circle. The Golem's snake-like head rested a > dozen feet away, before it too crumbled, like wet sand, into a fine dark > powder. SAMAS: If you look at the design from above, it almost looks like a bull's eye. > "Pikachu... Return." The small electric mouse leaped back onto Ash's > backpack. > > There was the sound of clapping. EON: What is the sound of one hand clapping? TBS : Fap fap f... [trails off when he notices TIFF glowering at him] > Ash quickly turned around from his > position standing on the wall to see a person dressed and hooded in a > long Master's cloak like his save it was blue. MARK: Whoah! Breathe, Mr. Narrator! Breathe! > He or she was leaning on > one of the toppled walls of a destroyed building lazily applauding him > with their hands. EON: Those are *way* freaky walls. > He studied the slender figure more closely. TBS : Hmmm... it's not a triangle and it's not a square... Rhombus? > She. TIFF: ...is a pronoun. ICE : Sorry. Lost my train of thought, there. > "Only a true Pokemon Master could defeat one of the eight Master > Pokemons of the Pokemon League." ICE : Only a true Pokemon Master could master the Master Pokemons of the Pokemon League and so master the Pokemon League and show himself a Pokemon Master! > That voice. His eyes narrowed even as something he had thought long > forgotten began to arise within his chest. MARK: Heartburn. > No, it couldn't be. ICE : I took the Morning After Pill, damn it! > "And who are you to make such observations?" he asked softly. EON
: I am... Uatu! > Not answering him, the blue-cloaked figure slowly began to approach, aqua > eyes beginning to become visible within the depths of her shadowy hood. > Suddenly she leaped up to join him on the wall so abruptly that he was > completely unprepared for what she did next. TBS : Pop quiz! ALL: Arrrrgggghhhh! > She kissed him. SAMAS: Ash then slapped her for being forward. > But it was not a loving kiss, nor even one of liking. It was a hard > kiss, the type that punished. ICE: The kiss of a bitter ex-girlfriend. > He broke away from her, feeling the slight coppery taste of his own > blood upon his tongue and maybe some of hers, and stood still. MARK : Are you *trying* to give me hepatitis? > He gave no outward reaction. [TBS puts his hands over his ears.] TBS: Nope, I didn't hear anything. I'm not thinking of anything perverted. Lalalalalala! TIFF: Thanks, I-- ICE : ...at least not in the upper torso regi-- [SAMAS covers ICE's mouth while TIFF counts to ten slowly.] > The aqua eyes studied him for a while with an emotion he couldn't > identify. EON: Eyes without a trace or warmth or lust or hate or any emotion he had ever experienced in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, predatory and impersonal. > Finally she answered him. "You know who I am." TBS : My waltzing Aunt Matilda? > The hood was pushed back to reveal glorious long red hair to > float behind a hauntingly beautiful face. MARK: Unbeknownst to her, her hair and face are both dead, but they refuse to pass over into the other life... > And then the hurt was fully remembered, unbidden, before it changed. > To hatred. It welled up in his chest, so powerful it seemed to consume > his soul. Abruptly it was replaced by emptiness. EON: That was like... emotional isometrics or something. TIFF: Typical male. > He had thought he would never see her again. SAMAS: After all, Abu Dhabi was supposed to be far away. > His voice when it came was a dead tone. "Hello, Misty." [A bloodcurdling scream from RACE can be heard over the intercom. ALL hold their ears.] SAMAS: Hey! RACE : ...eep. Sorry. Reflex. TIFF: ...ow. > Her eyes, framed by long dark lashes, flashed as cold as an iceberg. > "Mistaria," SAMAS: Isn't that where the second D&D arcade game took place? MARK: I thought it was the world where Makoto, Jinnai, Nanami, and Mr. Fujisawa got transported to. >she corrected. "And I see you haven't forgotten me." SAMAS : Well, you see, that's just it. I tried. Really. I even underwent hypnosis one time to-- TIFF : Oh, just shut up. > *** End of Part 1 ALL : Yay. MARK: How long is this again? TIFF: More than fifteen chapters, last I heard. MARK: Damn. > _________________________________________________________________________ > > POKEDEX TBS: Is there a Pokedex in Dexter's laboratory? ICE : Ooh, what does *this* button do? _________________________________________________________________________ > > SHADOW PIKACHU > Type 1 - Shadow > Type 2 - Electricity SAMAS: Type 3 - Mary Sue. > Attack : Lightning Vortex > Type : Electricity / Flying MARK: Shouldn't it be Electricity / Wind? It is a combination hurricane and lightning storm, right? It should be-- TIFF: Remember the Arlieth. [She brandishes the popped balloon.] MARK: ...I'll shut up now. > A powerful hurricane is formed around the Pikachu. When the opponents > are sucked inside, a ring of destructive electrical energy is exploded > outward. EON: The ring is digitally added by ILM. > Attack : Thunder Shatter > Type : Electricity / Normal > > Pikachu rolls into a ball and glows with a black light before entering > the victim's body. The victim then vibrates and explodes, leaving the > Pikachu in its place. Effective against rock. SAMAS: So the attack type is actually "Electricity / Plot Contrivance," then. > _________________________________________________________________________ > > Notes: TBS : Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti! MARK: 0.23 seconds. Not bad. > Welcome to Pokemon Master... ICE : I think you're gonna feel... / You belong... > Ace Sanchez [Some static emerges from the intercom, followed by voices.] RACE : Holy crap! The Karin Kanzuki Page guy? Why did nobody tell me this? S.D. : What difference does it make? RACE : Well, y'know. I'm torn now, and stuff. [S.D. sighs.] RACE : Whoops. Intercom's on. [A click is heard.] TIFF: ...well. That was... interesting. > Emails : jsanchez@bigpond.net.au > : aceywacey@hotmail.com > : acey@i.am > WWW : http://i.am/acey > : http://www.users.bigpond.net.au/acey ======== > Warning: This is not standard Pokemon fanfiction. SAMAS: There's no self-insertion, one-sentence battle scenes, or improbable fan-made Poke... actually, wait. >It contains scenes of violence and some inappropriate language. TIFF: Like 'floogle' and 'pinglesnork.' [TBS stands on his chair, turns his back to the screen, and mimes throwing frisbees over his back.] > ************************************************************************* TBS: Beat that, pretender! EON: *Damn*! > Pokemon Master > > Fanfiction by Ace Sanchez. ICE: Men's wear by Hagar slacks. Look like a dork, look like your dad, with Hagar! MARK: Do they come with suspenders? ICE: What? MARK: Haggar wore suspenders. ICE: No, no, no, *one* 'g.' Like, "Hagar." MARK: ...Ohhhhhhhhh. TBS: Do the slacks come with a viking helmet? ICE: Shut up. > All parts of this story may be found at the following address: > http://www.users.bigpond.net.au/acey/pokemon.htm MARK: Does that mean if the website's gone, everything here's gone for good? [ALL ponder this.] MMK : Hey, good point. I'm gonna go back the stuff up onto my hard drive. [ALL groan.] SAMAS : Maaaaarrk! MARK: *Sorry*! > Note: Pokemon and its associated characters are copyright by Nintendo, > Game Freak, Creatures Inc, and 4Kids Productions. ICE : May they not think it's worth the trouble to sue me. [EON stands on his chair and mimes throwing frisbees so that they ricochet off the wall and onto the screen.] > ************************************************************************* EON: My kung-fu is strong, yo! TBS: Pfft. I can do that but I don't wanna. EON: Oh, sure! > Part 2 - Reunions ICE : Are you going to the reunion? TIFF : I'd rather put this *lit cigarette* out on my *ass*. ICE : Oh. > A slim figure covered by a long white hooded cloak EON: Oooh, a mysterious 1. ICE: White cloak? And Ash wears a black cloak... so ten bucks says it's Gary. SAMAS: You're on. > kneeled as it studied the ground intently. MARK
: Wall-hacks rule! > Reaching down with a finger, it touched a rusty-coloured patch > on the stony surface in between clumps of dead weeds. SAMAS
: Yep. It's a stony surface in between clumps of dead weeds, all right. EON
: Son of a *bitch*! Nothing! Where *is* that secret entrance? > Then raising its fingertip to the opening of its hood, it licked > its fingertip and smiled. TBS: LICKY LICKY BLOOD BLOOD YUMMMM! ICE : ...minty. > "You're back. And so convenient too..." SAMAS
: You're my regular 7-11! > A deep, rumbling grunt from behind was the only answer. TIFF : I'm hungry. MARK: Mmm. Nothing like an establishing scene that gives you no idea what the hell's going on. > <><><> TIFF: Oooh! My best friends! > Slight waves rocked the small canoe EON : ...and the people all said "Sit down..." ALL : Sit down! You're rocking the boat! > as it drifted slowly northward down the river, ICE : Sell me down the river... > bubbles gently lapping against the sides of the boat. TBS: It looks like these are bad times for the Powerpuff Girls. > A hazy mist hung about the waters and the sky was grey as an old sword. SAMAS: ... so it was sharp and shiny? Uh? MARK: I think it's dull and overcast. > In contrast to the sounds of the steady current all about them, the > green forests on either side of the stream remained deathly silent. TIFF: God had turned off the wind machine that day. > Ash leaned back against the rear of the canoe TBS: ... thereby causing it to flip the hell over... > and took the time to study > the blue-cloaked woman sitting in front of him. EON: Because there'd be a test on her Monday. ICE: You know, if they formed a tag-team they could call themselves "Black and Blue." TIFF: ...right. ICE: I don't know why I thought of that, but there it is. TIFF: Uh-huh. > She was unaware of his attention as she steered them steadily along > with a long wooden pole. TBS: A better director could draw many similarities about how Misty handles the pole with the same manipulative prowess as she handles Ash. TIFF: A better man than you wouldn't have mentioned it. EON : Can't find a better man! TIFF: And *you* stop *singing*. > He had recognised her instantly even before she offered her supposed > name. MARK : Lorna, Queen of the Jungle! > After all this time, what was she doing here? What did she want > with him? ICE: I'm hoping it's nookie. > He squashed down the dark, forgotten feelings of resentment > that threatened to spill over from inside and breathed in deeply. MARK : Go to your happy place, Ash! Sad girls in snow! > After adjusting the black hood that kept his face hidden within > its shadows, TIFF: Y'know, the funny thing is that to Chinese people, he doesn't look at all scary. > he looked down at Pikachu, who seemed greatly fascinated > by the canoe ride. ICE : ... hey, this thing's moving along on rails! What a ripoff. > Cheered up a little by his pokemon's obvious enjoyment, TIFF: Rapid mood swings, our Ashura. SAMAS: You can get pills for that, you know. > Ash sat up again and checked the bandage around his leg. MARK : Don't you have any other bandages? TBS : No. If you don't like it, there's no other option! I can't just let you bleed. MARK : Yeah... but don't you have any other designs besides Mickey Mouse? TBS : Blue's Clues band-aid? MARK : ...no thanks. > The wound left from the sharp stone fragment had been deep but he was > healing fast as always. MARK: ... er, why? I mean, is he an elemental ninja with a healing factor? TIFF: Maybe he's actually Logan in disguise. SAMAS: No, he's the protagonist. Injuries that threaten to keep him out of the Big Fight at the End of the Chapter will magically close on their own. ICE: That, or... a REGEN RING! SAMAS: ... TBS: You know, I'm gonna have to go with Ice on this one. > "It will be night soon. Let us camp at the next bend of the river." TIFF : ...that'll be kinda wet, won't it? > Ash tightened his bandage more, welcoming the pain. TBS: Because he's MACHO and MANLY and DRINKS BOILING GREASE FOR FUN. ICE: He enjoys the BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOOOOOOOOOD! > "And you will tell me what it is that you want of me or why you are even > here, Mistaria ... Misty." MARK : ...whatever. ICE : I think I'll just call you Fred. > The blue-cloaked woman didn't turn to him as she continued to steer the > boat. Minutes passed. TIFF: Christ, damn Eva lingering. Look, it just makes the bad budget more obvious! Knock it off! > He almost thought she hadn't heard his question before she suddenly > threw her hood back to let her long red hair float in the breeze. TBS: Ouch, that's a bad case of static electricity. > She twisted slightly to regard him with somber eyes. "Let's > not live in the past ... Ash." ICE : Let's get it on here and NOW! SAMAS: You really should stop that. ICE: Why? [SAMAS points to TIFF, who has just broken a pen in half.] ICE: ...I'll be good. > With her head unhooded, he could see more of her features. EON : Whoa! CD player, bronze chrome wheel trims, cup holders... TBS : ...and pink fluffy dice! Pink fluffy dice! Woohoo! > She had matured. MARK: She hadn't bitched at him about the damn bike yet. > Especially her beauty which had shown promise when they > were younger, but was now in full bloom. In youth she had been > pretty, most would say cute. SAMAS: The silly would say "bootylicious." > But apparently cuteness had fled over the years and > left adult splendour in its place. TIFF : She's got 'UGE... tracts of land... > Sooty dark lashes were unblinking over her aqua eyes creating an > alluring contrast with the pale skin of her face and darker hair. MARK: Okay, back up. When did she turn brunette? TBS: Geez, I'd *hope* her eyelashes didn't blink by themselves. > Pink-tinged lips were expressionless as strands of > her hair fought the wind and partially obscured her face. ICE: ...why can't her damn hair stay still? What is she, Super-Saiyan or something? MARK: Nah. Five gets ya ten they let CLAMP do the design work. TBS: No, then there'd be sakura petals everywhere. > However, overall, though much had changed, he knew he could never > mistake her for another person. SAMAS: That just wasn't in the script. > But one thing ate at him. TIFF: The rabid Furret in his boot. > There was a strange, > different kind of familiarity with that beauty that seemed almost > unnatural. Like for the few times the sun managed to squeeze out its > golden light through the steel sky and upon her... TBS: ... I'm picturing all of this taking place under a giant cheese grater now, Ace. Thanks a lot. ICE: Care for a glass of fresh-squeezed light? TBS: Don't mind if I do. > He finally turned away to stare at the moving scenery of the forest. > Pikachu noticed her and growled. MARK : Oh, *now* the manic-depressive electric rat notices me. Great. > "You haven't forgiven me have you?" she asked rhetorically, meaning > either or both of them. ICE : I haven't decided which would be angstier yet. > He didn't answer. MARK : Either or both of them. > "But that's okay, since I haven't forgiven you either." MARK : Dude, where's my bike? > Anger welled, but was just as soon gone. SAMAS: ...wait, who's angry now? And at who? TIFF: Either or both of them. TBS: ...no, no, I get it! Mistaria's still miffed at Pikachu for leaving her standing at the altar, see, and-- TIFF: --that's enough out of you. > She began to say something else when the boat rocked dangerously > to the left almost unbalancing her. Ash steadied himself with a hand on > the edge of the boat, EON: ...which pushed it the hell over... > while his other hand grabbed Pikachu to stop him > from falling into the river. EON : Pikachu! No! It hasn't been an hour since you ate! > A large wave splashed into the boat, > drenching everyone in cold river water. ICE: And knocking the canoe over. ... right? Right? MARK: Maybe by 'canoe' Ace actually means 'raft' or 'barge.' TBS: Know what's funny? TIFF: What? TBS: I suddenly imagined Ash turning into a red-haired girl. ICE: Ha! SAMAS : I *am* a *guy*! > Pikachu chattered angrily and > powered up for a short instant, drying his black fur with dark energy. SAMAS: And electrocuting Ashura and Mistaria. The end! EON: So! What's on RAW? > Ash rose up on his knees, [A pause.] TIFF: Okay, I gave it a couple tries, but I can't picture how you'd do that. > while throwing his hood back to wipe the water > out of his face and the hair from obstructing his vision. TBS: Hero Hair Haircare Products! Ask for them by name! > He narrowed his eyes in annoyance when he saw the long, spiny blue tail > snaking along the water around them. TIFF: Leviathan, in a surprise cameo! EON : The other Harvesters'll be right along. They're talking to Narcosis about their figure sales. > He turned to the front of the boat and waited. EON : Pizza dude's got fifteen seconds. > A second later, the water at the head of the boat exploded upward into a > fountain at least twenty feet tall. SAMAS: Misty was fly-fishing with dynamite. Again. > At the centre of the eruption, the head of a gyarados appeared, TIFF: A suddenly, inexplicably stupid Gyarados... > its angry, yellow eyes in narrow slits. It > puffed a cloud of hot steam from its dragon-like snout and screamed a > high pitched animal cry TBS : A caw, maybe a bleat... ICE : ...either or both. TBS: Heh heh. > as its long scaly body continued to rise out of > the water. It began to lower its head to attack. MARK : JUGGERNAUT HEADCRUSH! > "Pikachu ..." Ash began. MARK : ...save yourself! Leave without me... [TBS : scampers to the back of the theater.] MARK : Hey! > "Pi-ka!" His pokemon started to gather power into itself. Black sparks > emitted from his cheeks. EON: ...wow, he must've had one *hell* of a burrito last night. TIFF: That's enough from you, too. > "Wait." Misty waved them off and Ash signalled Pikachu to stop. TIFF: Then, just as Misty had planned, the Gyrados snapped them both up like popcorn. > The gyarados snarled as it streaked down, its mouth open in an angry > shower of sharp teeth. ICE: Misty dodged them all, then picked them up and made a pretty necklace out of them. > Misty's eyes began to glow a startling blue, an almost > unholy light emanating from her pupils. MARK: [gasps] The force of Buddha's ho! OTHERS: Oooooh... > The sound of the rushing waters > seemed to fade into the background, into a still silence. The Gyarados > froze, unmoving. TBS: ...so, is she gonna take her shirt off? Shiryu always takes *his* shirt off... TIFF: Nobody but Ash is gonna "feel her cosmo," Snotter, get used to it. > Misty's eyes began to glow even brighter. SAMAS: So brightly, the bulbs burnt out and they had to cut the scene and start all over again. EON: Dammit, Misty, give Crow his Star-child eyes back! > Then she waved her hand in a quick gesture. ICE : Kind of like flipping him off and flashing a peace sign and making gang symbols, but all at once! TBS : Either or both. TIFF: Stop that. > Simultaneous with the movement of her arm, the large > hostile pokemon dived TIFF: And plucked Pikachu off the raft, swallowing him whole. > back into the river. The light in Misty's eyes > winked out and time seemed to flow as normal. MARK: The stock footage attack sequence was over. > The sound of the rushing river came back. "A Water Master," Ash > stated. "Just like you always wanted to be." SAMAS : No shit, Obvious Master. > Misty shrugged and replaced the blue hood of her cloak over her head. > "You knew my dream," she said, as she continued to steer them down the > river. TIFF : The one where you're fighting a Pokebattle and you look down and you realize you're in your underwear and everyone's laughing at you? TBS : ...no. > Then added with a sarcastic smile, "Besides the dream that you would ever > repay my bike." > > "Oh ... yeah." ICE: Ahahahaha! It's funny because it reminds me that what's happening here makes no fucking sense compared to the TV show! MARK: The man... is a genius. [sniffles] > <><><> EON : Land a penny in the glass dishes, win a prize! Step right up! Who wants to try? > The moon's light was dim in the darkness of the night sky. The camp fire > crackled warmly in front of Ash MARK : Didn't I tell you not to sit too close to the fire? You'll hurt your eyes watching that, young man! EON : But, mom! > as he stared at the orange and yellow > flames eat away at the wood. SAMAS: That's not a fire, that's a flaming beaver. TBS: I hear you can get ointment for that. TIFF: Hush. > Looking down as he unwrapped the bandage from his leg, he noticed in > satisfaction that the wound had healed completely. ICE: Like one of those freaky blue glowing 200 health things... > Although, strangely he was still feeling a bit weak. MARK : Needs... me... spinach... > Enough time had passed by now for him to have fully recovered. Maybe it > was just stress. And the shadows knew just how stressed he was. EON: What angst lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows... > A soft snoring came from Pikachu as he slept beside him, snuggled inside > the opening of Ash's backpack. Ash looked down at him and a half-smile > formed on his lips. ICE: But without the other half, Smiletron could only use half of his power. > Pikachu certainly deserved the rest after the day's > effort. ICE: Awww, Pikachu's such a kawaii killing machine now. EON: ...so we've stumbled into FAQing Hostile, then? TIFF: Wrong killing machine Pikachu. MARK: Phreakachu. TIFF: Whatever. MARK : And what Poke-X does isn't pika pika bub. SAMAS: Why do you keep doing that? MARK : Pika pika. > On the opposite side of the camp fire, Misty removed her cloak and > sat down. ICE: She wore nothing *underneath* the clo-- [TIFF thumps him on the back of the head.] ICE: Ow! > Ash watched her with slitted eyes TBS: So he's going to kill her? MARK: Nonono. These are different slits, the "I'm not sure if I'm going to kill you *just yet,* so don't hold me to any decisions as to your continued existence" slitted eyes. TBS: Oh yeah. #543 as opposed to #345. > as she took some blankets out of a travel pack then began writing in > a small notebook which she took from one of the folds in her cloak. MARK : Call me... Ishmael. > "So what is so important that you seeked me out of all people? EON : I need to borrow ten bucks. > Why are you even here?" TIFF : Why are any of us here? TBS : Whoa! Deep! > Misty stopped writing and looked up at him. She blew a long strand of red > hair out of her eyes with a tilt of her mouth. MARK: Her hair seems more alive than Spawn's cape. ICE: Or William Shatner's toupee. > "Reconnaissance, mostly." SAMAS : And there's a sale on clinging, flowing robes at Walgreen's. > He should have known. "So you're just a spy," he said contemptuously. MARK: He better train some Attack Dogs if he's that underinformed about Spies... > "For the Rebellion, I assume?" TIFF: Yeah, she just got back from doing X-Wing training on Hoth. > He wondered why he had never saw her before now ICE : I was avoiding you like the plague, duh! > and never even knew about her allegience. SAMAS: Hey, if you already knew, what excuse would Ace have to tell us about all this? TBS: Bob didn't know. They're telling Bob. > The answer to the inward question came as quickly as it was asked. > She had been avoiding him obviously. MARK: Hey, Ice read ahead! ICE: Did not! > And a good thing too. TBS : That's not a BAD thing... THAT's a *GOOD* THING! [TBS tilts his head and smiles real wide, holding that pose for a good ten seconds.] > "That is correct," she replied curtly. TIFF: With a curtsy. > "It's a pointless battle. There's no way you can win." EON : You'll never hit a target that size, even with computer guidance! > Her eyes flashed, almost beginning to glow. ICE: But not really. > "You certainly did not help matters." > > He shrugged, uncaring. "That was in the past." ICE : What's done is done. I have fulfilled my function. > "What could have possibly made you decide to fight with the League?" TBS : Lex Luthor pays big. > He ignored the question. "So, again, what is this all about?" MARK: ... she just told you! Dammit, you can angst and listen at the same time! > Misty was silent for a while, toying with a long lock of her hair. > She stared at the fire. EON : And the fire... STARED BACK! > "You must have noticed the large amount of League > activity in this area and to the east." MARK : Superman's been flying around and making words in the sky. The Batmobile's double-parked everyday at the diner. Green Lantern and the Flash are flirting with girls at the bars... TIFF: Mark, wrong League. TBS: So it's the one with Captain Nemo, Mina Murray, and Mr. Hyde? TIFF: *No*, Snot. *No*. TBS, MARK: Rip-off! [A pause.] ICE: You know, Superman... he's a real bastard when he's drunk. SAMAS: Shh. > "Yes, there has been more... disturbances... ICE: ...in the Force? > here than in other areas that I pass through." TBS : I mean, it's getting *loud*. Did someone let a bunch of Calabim of the War loose or something? > "Well, from the little intelligence reports that we've received, SAMAS: Cute little intelligence reports, written on pretty pink Post-It notes that smell like spring roses! > it seems that something is going down TBS : ...out, on the street! Dig it? NOT indoors, in the record stores! > at the Cerulean City ruins and I've got to find out *what*. > From the few Masters that we have on our side SAMAS : Like the one we have as a spy in Shadowloo headquarters. > we have our own missions. This is mine." TIFF : I must find the plot. > "And where do I fit into all of this?" TBS : ... huh, that *is* a good question.... > She played with a long lock of her red hair. EON: Misty is easily fascinated by bright colors. > "Well I have to admit I certainly didn't plan for meeting up with you. TIFF : I'm sure the master of the Pokemon League, who is definitely not Giovanni, will for sure leave you for wasting. > I just came across some of your ... handy work the night before. EON : It was handy. Yessiree. > I didn't even know or believe it was you until-" She cut herself > off, looking uncomfortable. SAMAS : ...come to think of it, the word "Ash" written in blood on the ground *was* a pretty big tip. TIFF : I always sign my work, beeznacho. > Finally she looked at him in the eyes. "Ash, you're the only one > who knows how the League operates and who is actually not part > of the League. TBS : As far as *you* know. TIFF : What? TBS : Nothing. > You've been with them a long time. ICE : And since you're a self-centered, unreliable bastard, I'm going to beg you for help. > You have information that could be of great help. MARK : I mean, how *do* you solve that damn Rubik's Cube? > And I've seen your power. TBS: *AHEM*. > How you easily defeated the Master Pokemon of Rock. EON: Well, rock *is* dead. > You've seen the world oppression caused by the League. ICE : Help! Help! I'm being oppressed! > Wouldn't that be one of the reasons you left them in the first place?" MARK: So... Ash killed people for the bad guys for years until he realized they were evil, then left because he doesn't care what happens to anyone. TBS: Hey, yeah, kinda like that one guy on Ultima Force! TIFF: What? TBS: Hey, SAMAS! You were there! What was that one guy's name? SAMAS: Damn it, Snot, I spent *days* setting this mental block up. TBS: Yeah, so... *do* you know the guy's name? SAMAS: Snot... TBS: *What*? > So that was it. She just wanted to use him. Again. ICE: She used him. TBS: Dude! She used him! [They high-five.] > Inside, the dark ICE: *DARK*! > feelings of resentment rose to a crescendo. Outwardly, he showed nothing. > His voice devoid of emotion, he shook his head. "Tomorrow we will split > up and go our separate ways. I'm sorry but I can't be a part of this any > more." Can't be a part of you, he added silently. TIFF : Can't chew bubblegum and rub my stomach at the same time. SAMAS : Can't get no satisfaction. EON : Can't stop the rock. ICE : Either or both. > Misty shook her head. "Please don't let your personal feelings about me > influence your decision. Think of all the suffering you could end." Her > eyes seemed to moisten, TBS: ...ewww, pinkeye. > but instead they began to glow a bright blue. TBS: Ewww, uh... blue-eye. > "I'm sorry I have to do this, but it's for the good of this world." MARK : Release... the Drive-B! > Ash startled, began to stand up. Then he shouted in pain as he felt his > blood begin to boil. TIFF: ...wait, Water Masters can give people the bends at will? ICE: *I* wanna be a Water Master! > How could she have done it? EON : How do you do-- MARK, SAMAS : --do you do-- EON : --the things that you do? > As he bent over with the unbearable pain, a small cut on the inside > of his lip broke open. TIFF : ...ow. My lip. ICE : *Crap*! Your head didn't explode! TIFF : Your Touch of Death sucks, Misty. ICE : Lemme try that again! TIFF : No. > He tasted the metallic taste of blood. TBS: BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD YUMMY YUMMY BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD-- MARK: --hold on. She bites him while kissing him and he just notices it *now*? TIFF: ... well, that's pretty much in-character. TBS : --BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD GOODY GOODY *BLOOOOOOOD*! > Of course! He should have known that the kiss she gave him wasn't > just for show. SAMAS: So Misty grew up, went off, and became Cate Archer? > But she had caught him so off-guard, he couldn't have prevented it. > But he should have. Stupid, stupid, he admonished himself. SAMAS: Man's finally making sense... > Never trust anyone! TBS : You don't trust me? You don't trust Stone Cold Steve Austin? What? > Especially, of all people, this woman! > > Pikachu woke up EON : FOOTBALL PRACTICE! > and began to snarl, powering up to let loose a bolt of dark lightning > at Misty who was still staring at Ash with her glowing blue eyes. TIFF: Some people will do *anything* to win staring contests. > "Did you happen to know that the human body is comprised of more than > seventy-five percent water?" TBS: Believe it... or not! > she asked in an apparent bored tone as her > eyes abruptly returned to normal. "And when that > balance begins to change, it usually leads to death." MARK : Which is what happens to everything else! ICE : ... that line... didn't make sense... when Halle Berry said it... either. > She licked her lips. TBS : Hey! Vanilla. > "Amazing what a drop of my blood can let me start when it gets > within the bloodstream of a person." SAMAS : You should see how I handle the IRS auditor. ICE: Also, please note: BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! > She noticed Pikachu's agitation and looked down at him. > "If you kill me, your Master will die also." MARK : Sounds good to *me*! > Pikachu stopped powering up, confused on what to do. EON : Wait, if they were both out of the way *I'd* be the star of the show again.... > Ash, his pain beginning to subside, sat up again and held him off > with an upright hand. TBS : Just... *bring it*. > "I guess you've won this one." He was calm now. "So how long have I got?" ICE : Your life will end in five... TIFF : What? Days? Weeks? Months? ICE : Four... three... two... [ICE watches TIFF expectantly for several seconds.] TIFF : Ow! My lip! ICE : ...*son* of a *bitch*! > "About a week ... unless of course you convince me to remove my ... > influence from your person." ICE: Yeah, he better... *convince* her good. TBS: Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, saynomore, saynomore... [TIFF groans, and then writes something down.] TIFF: Ninja... Scroll. Got it. > "And helping you do your job MARK : Do your job! > just might happen to convince you." > > "I see you understand." > > He shook his head. SAMAS : Duh! Nope. > "You've changed, Misty." ICE: Ace, we kinda figured that out way back when you pounded into our skulls for only the hundredth time or so. > "That's true." She smoothed her hair and looked down at the ring on her > finger. "You just don't know how much." MARK : He must never know about my new allegiance to margarine... he must never know that it's *not butter*. > <><><> SAMAS : An' *'ere* we see the ASCII snake in its natural 'abitat! EON : Waaaaaaaow! Lookit the *shahp fangs* on this li'l buggah! > It was a foggy morning. SAMAS: Now *that's* scene description. EON: Was the foggy morning after a dark and stormy night, even. > Ash struggled to see as Misty lead their way east > towards the Cerulean City ruins. MARK: I'm picking the Cerulean City Ruins to face the Pallet Settlement Massacre at the Superbowl. TIFF: ...this brings new meaning to the idea of a "Pokemon League." > Dead leaves and other foliage crackled > underfoot TBS : Snap, crackle, pop! > as they walked at a slower than usual pace through the woods. > Misty may be able to see through the white fog, water being her element, TIFF: It might help if Ash had the wind element. > but he sure couldn't. TIFFA: She could see thanks to her umm... Water Vision, I'm guessing. TBS: Five gets you ten Shadow Pikachu has Rebuild-the-City-Ruins-Vision. > It was hard for him to even make out the dark-blue > of her cloak in front of him. EON: You know, with all these dark cloaks and such, people must be running into each other all the time on dull days. ICE: This is your happy pastel world on drugs. > "Chu!" Pikachu chattered angrily in Ash's ear as he rode on his shoulder. SAMAS : You should have thought of that before we left the Pallet settlement. > "It's okay, Pikachu," Ash said quietly, so as not to let Misty hear. > "I'll find some way to deal with this ... EON : Pause. > this poison. TIFF : Ash then took out his Junior Medic kit. TBS : Let's see... I need one heart of snake, one eye of newt, and a four leaf clover... > It is water-based though, so there's nothing I can do for now, except > to do whatever it is she wants." MARK : Now, if it was *oil*-based, I could burn it off anytime. ICE: You know, it occurs to me that he could just take a real long piss and the poison would probably be gone. TIFF: I hate it when things occur to you. ICE: Also, it seems like they could fill more things with cream. TIFF: Stop talking. ICE: My thinking is, if it's empty, fill it with cream. > "Pikapi! Pi-pikachu..." ICE: Translation, "You know, a good long piss would probably get the poison out of your system." TIFF: Yes, okay, we get-- ICE: Also, "hey, fill that thing over there with cream." TIFF: *Shut up*. > "No, if you kill her, I'll die," Ash said grinning a little at the > fierce loyalty of his friend. TBS : If I don't kill that rat, he'll die. ICE : That's right. > Then he turned his head to look at him with a > serious face. TIFF : Did you just fart? > "Besides I thought you liked Misty." TBS: That was before. Now he's a black Pikachu badass with love for no man or beast. TIFF : Aye hate flowers in springtime! It brings join to me heart, and aye don't like it! > Pikachu's blue eyes moistened a little as he seemed to remember > something. "Cha..." TIFF: Shut up. ICE, TBS: Awwww. MARK: Pikachu's the sensitive furry killing machine. > "Well I'm over it now, so you don't have to worry." SAMAS : But... but it's *so high,* you *can't* get over it! > He looked ahead searching for the dark-blue outline of Misty's cloak. > It wasn't there. MARK: This meant a long trip to the lost luggage office. > "Damn, where did she go?" he said aloud, speeding up his pace a little. TBS : Where did you last see her? ICE : I drew a picture! Wanna see? TBS : Do you know where she might be? ICE : You see the sun? Hehheh! He's smilin'. > The toe of his left boot caught on a fallen branch that he didn't see and > he almost tripped over. EON : In fact, the Leatherstocking series ought to be called the Dry Twig series. MARK: So he has a mutant Healing Factor, possesses Mad Ninja Skillz, fights off hordes of raiders and rips Pokemon in two with his bare hands, yet trips over a branch? ICE: Ladies and gentlemen, *our hero*. TBS: I'm thinkin' that branch must be one bad motherfucker. > Fortunately he was able to grasp the trunk of a > nearby tree for support. SAMAS: Or what he *thought* was a tree. Seconds later an annoyed Dryad bit his hand off. > Pikachu jumped back into the top of his > backpack, but kept his head sticking out of the opening. [TBS opens his mouth, then closes it again.] TIFF : Oh, go ahead. That one's so Freudian it's practically a freebie. TBS: [opens his mouth again, then closes it] Now you've put me off my feed. [TIFF ^_^s.] > "Misty!" he shouted, as he looked all around. The lack of visibility > caused by the fog was terrible. MARK : Fog? What fog? > He could barely see more than half a dozen meters in front of him > before the scenery was swallowed by an all-encompassing white. TBS: Such a fitting end for Captain Ahab. > "Misty!" ICE : MISSSTYYYYY! > For a moment it seemed like someone answered him. Ash concentrated on > listening to it. It seemed like ... singing? EON : Sing whenever I sing whever I sing... TBS: It's the Sirens trying to lure us with their songs! Everyone, cover your ears! ICE: What did you say? TBS: I said, cover your ears! ICE: Say that again! I've been covering my ears! > He concentrated even more and could just make out some words. EON : *boom boom* SHOUT! *boom boom* SHOUT! *boom boom* Shout! SHOUT AT THE DEVVILLLL! > "Shadow and sun, sun and shadow... > Refraction of light, what shall form?" ICE: Pretentious teenage poetry alert! TBS: The Secret Diary of Ace Sanchez, Age Thirteen and Three-Quarters. MARK: Maybe you could write this down as a Mercedes Lackey rip-off. TIFF: I'll put that into consideration. EON: "One to be born from a dragon hoisting the light," "clasping a gem to his heart," yadda yadda yadda we *know*, Ace! > It was coming from the north. SAMAS: Not that he had to check a compass to verify this or anything. Just knew it automatically. TIFF: You've played Pokemon. "North" in a top-view world means "up." SAMAS: Fair enough. > The melody was strangely, haunting and beautiful. And familiar. EON : Yeah! I covered that back in '68! With the Stones! > He couldn't tell whether the song itself was > familiar or the voice of whoever sung it. Or both. TBS: *Either*... or *both* of them! EON : And all the birds in the trees, they'd be singing so happily / Oh, joyfully / Aw, playfully, watching me... > "Pikachu, you hear that?" > > "Pii." TBS : Not while you're in my backpack, you don't. > "Let's go see what it is," Ash said, ICE : Maybe it's a clue to our groovy mystery! > his curiosity awakened. MARK : Awww, mom! Just five more minutes... > "And besides, SAMAS : ...it'll advance the plot. > I don't know where the heck we are anyway, so following it for > now won't hurt anything." TIFF: Famous last words. ICE : But... I've got +1 armor! > He stepped through the mist slowly, but surely, MARK : One step at a time! One step at a tah-ha-ime! > following the sound of the song. As he did so, he parted away low-lying > branches from the trees and stepped carefully over shrubs and bushes > and other forest vegetation lying on the ground. TBS : Must be careful not to damage this harmless vegetation... SAMAS : I'm a shrub! Really, I am! > After a couple of minutes, and parting yet another set of low branches, TIFF: None shall be seated for the riveting Trudging through the Shrubs Scene. > the mist seemed to give way to a clearing TBS : EVERYTHING MUST GO! EVERYTHING in the STORE is now FIFTY PERCENT OFF UNTI-- TIFF: Snot? TBS: Yes? TIFF: Clear*ing*. TBS: ...oh. > and what looked like an old temple. SAMAS: It wasn't, of course. MARK: But it sure did *look* like it! TIFF: Alright, knock it off. > It was fairly ancient, old enough to have survived through the > Dark Wars and then some. EON : Oh crap, I'm in Ravenloft! MARK: ...So, wait, where'd that come from? ICE: It was always there. MARK: You mean to say that an ancient temple was on the outskirts of a major city for--what?--forever, and nobody noticed? EON: Yep. MARK: Well, that's okay then. TBS: That's kinda like Secret of Mana, actually. SAMAS: Really? TBS: Yeah! That one city, Pandora. It had a temple right outside the town. TIFF: Those were *ruins*. TBS: It was a ruined *temple*. TIFF: It's not the same thing. TBS: I like to think it counts for *something*. > The clearing the temple was in the middle of appeared to favour the sun > as it streamed down, bright over the structure in contrast to the dreary > thick fog behind him. TBS : Do you have "Literary Symbolism for Middle-Aged Computer-Illiterate Businessmen?" ICE : Just *buy the book*, dad. > The temple itself, although ancient looking, was > fairly well preserved and beautiful in its own way MARK: So it's like Katharine Hepburn, then. TBS: Twenty says it's decorated with a cobra motif. > with various multi-coloured stain-glassed windows ICE : ...never allowing the world to come in, seeing no evil and feeling no pain, making the light as it comes from within, so dim... > and whitish marble walls. The > double wooden doors in the front of it were wide open. SAMAS : Wiiiiiiide open! > It was also the source of the haunting song that had led him here. ICE : This smells trap. > Ash stepped forward into the clearing, feeling the warmth of the > sun wash over him in waves. MARK: ...that's not the sun, Ash. That's a microwave pulse. TIFF : That *would* explain my freshly-heated goodness. > He removed the hood of his cloak and combed the black > hair of his head with his hand. SAMAS : Got to look good for the Lisbon girls... > With the other, he felt the sunlight in his palm. Although warm > ... it was also strangely cold at the same time. ICE: You know. *Either or both of them*. MARK : This temple's got hot and cold running angst now! Cool! TBS: SCENE! [TBS signals for ICE, EON, MARK and SAMAS to stand up and points them to where they should go, then whispers the first line to ICE and moves to another spot. ICE nods.] ICE : All right, let's go with "Hot or Cold?" for $800. [TBS makes Daily Double noises.] ICE : And it's a Video Daily Double. Please watch the monitors for the clue. Watch carefully. [EON pops a tape of "Livin' La Vida Loca" into a player and turns it on. TBS begins dancing frantically. SAMAS turns a flashlight on and holds it over TBS.] TBS : 'Eyyyy! Is'a'me! Ricky Martin! Come on! [TBS dances some more.] TBS : On my body is some HOT SUNLIGHT! It's HOT HOT HOT! Watch! [TBS feels the light in his palm, then grimaces as if burnt and shakes his hand around. At no point during this does he stop dancing.] TBS : YEOW! That is some HOT SUNLIGHT! So your question is, is the hot sunlight HOT HOT HOT! Or cold? HOT HOT HOT! Or cold? COME ON! HOT HOT HOT! [SAMAS turns the flashlight off. SAMAS and EON stand on opposite sides of MARK and the three of them mime standing behind podiums. All three remain completely silent, looking around as if baffled.] ICE : None of you knows. [SAMAS, MARK and EON remain silent and look confused.] ICE : No one can figure out if the *hot sunlight* is hot or cold. [SAMAS, MARK and EON continue to look puzzled. MARK rings in.] ICE : *Thank god*. Keanu Reeves. MARK : Is it... Sunlight *detergent*? ICE : *No*! It's *hot sunlight* from the *sun*! MARK : Well, then I have no idea! [ICE shakes his head in disbelief.] ICE : Unbelievable. TBS: END SCENE! [TBS, ICE, EON, MARK and SAMAS return to their seats.] TIFF: No comment. TBS: Aww, c'mon. > Feelings of familiarity washed over him and he turned to narrow his eyes > at the entrance to the temple. EON : Say, don't I know you from someplace? TBS : ... > "Pika ... ?" TIFF: Translation, "What the hell are *you* starin' at?" > "Yes, Pikachu, we're going in." MARK: Luke, be careful! > As they approached the temple, the song continued. TBS : Some velvet morning when I'm straight... I'm going to open up your gate... > "Just as the shadow has many faces > Mystery surrounds the storm." EON: Like, what the hell causes those lightnings? MARK: Static electrical discharges. EON: Really? No shit. ICE : You hear that? A storm's coming. > <><><> EON: I hate Tetris with polygon blocks. > "Ash!" Misty called behind her. "Are you still with me?" ICE : Are you with us? > No one answered. TBS: Maybe he's just stumped. It *is* a very hard question. > She stopped walking and turned around. He wasn't there. TIFF : Yay! > Annoyed, she lifted her hand and repelled more of the fog > to see further behind her. EON: And yet *more* Vaguely Water Based Powers. TBS: Are they on Penglai Shan? MARK : The question of why she didn't just do this in the first place so that she and Ash could see perfectly and avoid problems like these is *not to be brought up*. > All that were revealed were more trees and foliage. EON: You know, if you hadn't worn a *dark* cloak in this *thick fog* you wouldn't be in this mess. ICE : It matches my DARK, BROODING ANGST. TIFF : Pika! > She could hear some sort of melody. Someone singing. Faint. MARK: Little. Yellow. Different. SAMAS: I could see a sort of story. Somewhat dark. Irritating. > She began to run towards the source of its sound. TBS: No, Misty! Do not head for the light! > Absent-mindedly, ICE : Mole Playing Rough is being absent-minded. EON : The Pogo Punk fell down. MARK : The New Age Retro Hippie uses a toothbrush! His teeth are now white and minty fresh! TIFF: I don't know you people. > she dissolved the fog in front of her with an open hand. SAMAS: How do you control nature to suit your needs? TBS: BITCH-SLAP IT! > She should have known that walking > through this forest without any disturbances was wishful thinking. ICE: Just like getting through this fic without any mental and emotional scarring is wishful thinking? TBS: Just like walking down the road to the shops to get a loaf of bread is ample cause for an ambush. TIFF: You were never ambushed walking down the road to the shops. TBS: First time for everything! > <><><> MARK: It's the Martian Crown Jewels! > Ash walked along the narrow hallway, quietly following the origin > of the singing. He knew who it was now. ICE : Bananarama comeback? Not on *my* watch! > Pikachu, riding on his shoulder, > chattered desperately at him to turn back, but he continued onwards. TIFF : Oh thish ain't good... SAMAS: When the Pikachu starts making sense, you know you're in trouble. > He couldn't stop himself. EON : I'm so nervous in the night... But I don't know how to stop! I don't know how to stop! MARK: Wait... ewww. TBS: Don't jump into conclusions yet. It ain't a lemon until the clothes start dropping. TIFF : This is not a lemon. EON: Ah. Then there's always that delightful little thing called willpower. ICE: Yeah, but he'd spent the last of his points back in that last scene. EON: True, that. > Finally he reached the centre of the temple. The chapel. TIFF: Isn't this the part where he meets that ghost confessor? MARK: No, this is where that graphics bug is, where he sees that wispy flower girl among the pews. SAMAS: I'm not sure, but I think you can get Soul Steal by this point. TBS: You know how sometimes when you sit down in the left chair the priest draws his curtain and then stabs you with a bunch of weapons? That *pisses me off*. > He stepped inside, past the open doors, and saw her. MARK : Madonna? TIFF : Vampirella? SAMAS : Chun Li? TBS : Demi Moore? MMK : *Ding*! [TBS stands up.] TBS: Who's the Snot? Who's the Snot? MMK : I have it on good authority that *you* are! TBS: *Damn* right! > She was standing on the altar with her back turned towards him. ICE : Aww, geez, she's mad at me for something... uh... > It was her who was singing the song. EON : Still have the time to sing my song! > On her slim body she wore an almost transparent white robe > which fell past her long legs and down to her ankles, [MARK gapes.] TBS: Are you sure this thing isn't a lemon? ICE: "Slim body," "transparent white robe"... sounds lemony to me. SAMAS: I'd hit you, but... [sighs] EON: No, it's worse. He's wandered onto the Manos set. MARK : Leave the child! Woman yes, child no! > leaving her elegant feet bare. TBS: "Elegant Feet." ICE: Good name for a band? TBS: *Hell* yes. > Long, straight blonde hair fell down her back and almost > past her waist. Its colour was so golden it > seemed to emit a light of its own. MARK: Whoah! Radioactive hair! ICE: Oh, she's a priestess of Leiji Matsumoto. TIFF: Someone alert Spike Spiegel. I think we found his woman. > It was her. MARK: So you said. TIFFA: Any relation to Him? > Pikachu was silent on his shoulder. EON : Pay me no heed. I am merely an elaborate shoulderpad. > But he could feel the fur of the electric mouse stiffen through > his cloak. ICE : DOWN boy. This is neither the time nor the place. > His danger senses exploded into action, MARK : Spider-sense tingling! TBS: DANGER MOUSE~! TIFF: *Down*. > but he stayed unmoving EON : I, too, am merely an elaborate shoulderpad. > as the door to the chapel suddenly slammed shut with a bang [ICE gives the Diamond Cutter symbol.] TBS : Being locked indoors isn't a BAD thing... THAT's a GOOD THING! [TBS smiles real wide. For several seconds.] > and long chains of white light shot out from each corner of the > room to wrap him and Pikachu up, tight and immobile. TIFF: Yeah, that always seems to happen to me, too, whenever I step into a church. > More sunlight seemed to stream in through the roof of stained glass > windows to fall all around the woman in front of him. TBS: People who live in glass houses should remember to close the blinds. [TBS nods, sagely.] > She seemed to glow even brighter, as if ICE: ...she was a living nuclear reactor. SAMAS : Behold! Nuclear Woman! > the sunlight was indeed coming from her and not the > roof. Her melodious voice continued to sing, haunted, EON: ...Poe? Is that you, Poe? TBS: Maybe we should consider her voice endangered. TIFF: "Haunted," Snot. Not "hunted." TBS: Oh. [A pause.] TBS: Shouldn't she be safe from that inside a church? SAMAS: Just shut up, Snot. > "But together, what will become > when that which has split become one?" MARK: Huh? Could you run that by me again, story? ICE: She's Daravon? SAMAS : Come a little bit closer baby, Get it on, get it on; 'Cause tonight is the night when two become... [Everyone else stares at SAMAS, who trails off as he notices everyone looking at him.] SAMAS: ...what? TBS : What's that behind you? [SAMAS turns to look behind him. TBS runs up behind SAMAS, grabs him by the waist, and drops him on his back three times with Rolling German Suplexes.] TBS : That'll learn you. SAMAS : Yessir. TIFF: ...I am terrified beyond rational thought. MARK: Let me join you. > She stopped singing and the room fell to silence. EON : Falling... I remember falling... > She lifted her arms above her head ICE : You are now powerless against my B.O. OF DOOM! > and from her feet, a white light began to drift upwards, > but slowly as if it were smoke. SAMAS: She has the unholy power to control the lighting! MARK: Get the Franklin Badge! SAMAS: Light*ing*. MARK: ...oh. Huh. TBS: Yeah, I do that all the time. > When the light reached the top of her hands, it seemed > to blink once then reform TBS : I've been a bad white light. [A beat. TIFF's eyebrow twitches.] TBS : Punish me! TIFF: [sighs] Somehow, I expected that. > into a white material. First long white sleeves formed down > her arms, then a hood around her head as the rest of the light > fell downwards to morph into a long robe-like cloak. TIFF: If *I* knew how to do that, I'd never visit Dillards again. ICE : Doesn't look like you go there much in the *first* place. TIFF: What was that? ICE: I said your clothes look awful. TIFF: Oh. [A beat.] TIFF: Hey! > A Master's cloak of pure white. SAMAS: So the identifying mark of a master is that they wear a cloak of, well, just any old color? Doesn't that mean that *anyone* could pass themselves off as one? TIFF: Like the ominous pink cloak of the Normal Master? EON: Heh heh. OYAJIIIIII! > She dropped her arms in a sudden, quick motion. TBS: Fireworks exploded from the four ring corners. SAMAS: ...accompanied by the usual cheesy, annoyingly repetitive soundtrack. > The newly cloaked woman turned around and removed her hood with one > elegant hand. EON : Don't know why I put that there, really. Heh. > She tilted her head up and freed the hair from her neck > to fall down her back. MARK: Square, are you taking notes? TBS: Let's see... TIFF: I swear, if she declares herself pure, I'm breaking things. ICE: How about ninety-nine and forty-four-one-hundredths pure? TIFF: Quiet. > Then, looking down at him as he stood helplessly > encased in long chains of light, she gave a half-smile. ICE: Huh! Chain of fools. SAMAS : I don't give whole smiles on the first date. > Brilliant blue eyes regarded him with a devilish twinkle in > their depths. TBS: ..oh, man, I *hope* so. > "Remember me, Ashura?" TIFF : I'm Wendy, and I'll be your femme fatale for tonight. > Her voice was the same. Throaty, sensuous. SAMAS : Oh, yeah! You were that cheap, two-dollah chick back in Viridian! > "Valdera," he acknowledged. EON: She's a viking? The hell? > She looked him up and down. "Even more handsome than I remember." TIFF : But you seem to be getting pudgy around the sides... ICE : Hey! TIFF : Been eating a bit too many riceballs? Huh, Porky? ICE : I hate you. > "And you. Still a beautiful bitch." EON: He really knows how to chat up a woman. TBS: He's been taking charm tips from Black Mage. [TBS smoothly points to TIFF with both hands.] TIFF: Stop that. > She laughed at him. EON : Haw haw! > "I missed you, you know. We were good together. An > unstoppable team. One complementing the other." MARK: Well, that *is* all they've done so far. > She stepped down off the altar and approached him, walking through the > gold chains of light that held him from each corner as if they really > were as insubstantial as they seemed. SAMAS : Chains... my baby's got me locked up in chains and they *are* the kind you can see... TIFF: I'm officially calling quota on chain refs, gang. ICE: You have *quotas*? TBS: I'm against affirmative action. TIFF: *Shut up*. > She stood in front of him and unmoved by the beauty of her face, > Ash stared into her eyes, finding them doubly familiar for some > unknown reason. ICE : Staring contest. *Go*. > She lifted a slim hand, and with a long fingernail, began to trace > down his cheek. Ash repressed the urge to shiver. MARK: So... she's hot, and he's getting cold? TBS: Don't think about it too much, man. ICE : Too late. > "Why don't you come back to the League with me? The empty spot in > our bed has been empty for far too long ..." She smiled. "And my > pokemon. She misses both of you as well ..." ICE : Kinky. TIFF: ...I refuse to acknowledge Poke-lovin'. ICE: Hey, Pichus need to come from somewhere. TIFF: ...*not* another word. > Pikachu, trapped on his shoulder, made a small sound, ICE : Kinda like, "Whoohoo!" TIFF: What did I just say? > but Ash silently ordered for him to stay still. MARK: So, is Ash telepathic now, too? TBS: Yep, textbook example. [He holds up a book entitled "How To Power Up Existing Characters."] > Suddenly an explosion rocked the temple EON : Shareef don't like it! Rockin' the temple! Rockin' the temple! > and the chapel doors were blown inwards off their hinges with a > crash. Ash turned his head to find Misty striding in, her blue > cloak giving off an icy-cold steam. ICE : This isn't how it looks. Really. MARK: Isn't steam supposed to be hot? I mean... SAMAS: Down, Mark. Down. > Her hood was lowered and thrown back, her long red hair seeming > to float behind her as if being blown by a strong wind. TBS: So the women in the Pokemon Master world can either control the lighting or wind machines. Gotcha. > Eyes glowing as she accessed her power over the element of water, > she lifted her right arm. MARK : I watch a *lot* of Gate Keepers. > "Seadra! Ice Beam!" TBS : Hey! That's my move! ICE : Yeah, that happens. > From behind her, a large shadow inhaled its breath > and a split second later, a cold, vivid blue beam of energy shot forth, > directly at Valdera. TBS: Hey, it's Sasquatch! Cool! EON : Chuffle chuffle! SAMAS : And thus began the catfight. EON : Girl fight tonight! That's right, you slut! Girl fight tonight! > However, the intended target did a quick backflip towards the altar > almost lazily, TIFF: Quick... but *lazily*. ICE: Either or both of them. TIFF: Shut up, you. > white cloak whipping about, and dodged the shot with ease. Instead, > the beam hit the back wall of the chapel and exploded, ICE: EXPLOIDAH~! > sending shards of sparkling ice everywhere. MARK: Blah. You can see the wires. SAMAS : ...and such was undoubtedly yet another far-reaching reminisce of the horrible Nazi-inspired Kristallnacht... > Valdera smoothed her cloak down with her hands. "Pity." She yawned, TIFF: Pity must be very boring. > covering her mouth with a hand. "An interruption." SAMAS: Girl Interrupted, as it were. > Ash concentrated, his eyes glowing golden, MARK : I *also* watch a lot of Gate Keepers. ICE: Dude! He's starting to power-up Toriyama-style! EON: Wow, this means only, what, twenty-three more episodes to go? > and dark shadows rose up from his feet to dissolve the chains of > light which held him immobile. TBS : Shit! He's got a Stand! ICE: Hee hee! > The light dissipated to nothing and he was free. EON : I'm free! I'm free! > Misty looked at the white-cloaked figure more closely and the blue light > in her eyes winked out in shock. "It's you!" MARK : Who, me? EON : Yes, you! MARK : Not me! EON : Then who? MARK : I think it was Ash who stole the cookie from the cookie jar! TBS : Who, me? MARK : Yes, yo-- [TIFF clears her throat.] TIFF: I call a stop to this joke. SAMAS: Here, here. TBS: May I suggest an alternative, then. TIFF: Fine. TBS : It's you! ICE : How are you gentlemen! [TIFF groans.] TIFF: *Now* I call *everyone stop talking*. > Valdera squinted at her and began to laugh. She turned back to Ash. "So > this really was the girl who left you all those years ago! How absolutely > delightful!" She turned back to Misty. "Well you had your chance, > Mistaria, now I'll be taking him back." TBS : Sorry, girl. No refunds. > Misty's eyes began to glow again as she narrowed them. "You just try! > Seadra, Blizzard!" MARK : Where's the sequel to Broodwars? EON: Sit down! > The shadow behind her hovered into the light > revealing a large blue, water pokemon ICE : I'm picturing a giant Polywag. TBS: Ha ha! Yeah! ICE : POLYWAG! TBS: Ha ha ha ha! > with a dragon-like head and sharp spines protruding from its tail > and shoulders. TBS : It's a *spiky* Polywag! ICE : Oh, *no*! [TBS and ICE degenerate into helpless giggling.] > "SEA-DRA!" it roared as it began to form a cloud of blue energy above > its head. > > Valdera smiled as she lifted her arm. "White Flare." ICE : Remember the *training*, Roger! The white flare! > As soon as she said the words, EON : A giant disco ball fell from the ceiling and Earth, Wind and Fire's "The Serpentine Fire" began playing. TIFF : WHITE FLARE BOOGIE DANCE PARTY! > a pure white pikachu with glowing, green eyes dropped from the ceiling > and seemed to explode in a burst of light. SAMAS: Another Pikachu? How contrived can this story *get*? EON: Pikachu's Short 'n Fluffy Tale, this ain't. > "PIKA!" TBS : *No*! And *please* give your answer in the *form* of a *question*! > Ash and Misty covered their eyes from the blinding whiteness. TIFF: Thus they were *defenseless* and were promptly *ripped apart* like *mice* in a *rotary mower*, the *end*. ICE: Funny, and I thought this scene was the complete *opposite* of dark. TIFF: It's a pretty stupid battle tactic. That's all I'm saying. > When the light dissipated, Valdera and her white pikachu were > nowhere to be seen. EON : Oh. Well, that was easy. > Instead a twelve-foot tall Machamp with four incredibly muscular arms > stood on the altar. SAMAS : And here you think you know your girl. Then, you marry her and boom! Big surprise! > Its torso and legs were rippling with pure strength > as it stood there, a feral grin on its frog-like face. Its skin was a > grey tone and it wore nothing save for a small, black loin-cloth. TBS: Scott Steiner hasn't been handling his off time too well. MARK : Yup... I'm Clint McLargehuge. > Valdera's voice floated in the air, her tone slightly mocking. "Ashura, > I'll be back for you later when we can be more alone. ICE : In the dark. > For now Machampross will keep you amused till then." She laughed > and then her voice was gone. TIFF : I must now laugh evilly, like this! OHHOHOHOHO! Only moreso! > Ash stepped backward towards Misty TBS : Right, then. Misty, take him down. SAMAS : What? > as the huge twelve-foot-tall, > four-armed, fighting pokemon walked forward slowly. It growled > at Ash and focused its bright red eyes on him. ICE: ...didn't we just see that description? >"I WILL TAKE REVENGE FOR MY FALLEN GOLEM BROTHER," it snarled. > Then it looked at Misty and an appalling > leer tilted its lips. "AND YOU WILL BE MINE." MARK : Lovely mental picture, that. TBS : AND SO WILL YOUR CAPS LOCK BUTTON! > It leaped at her with its four arms out-stretched, growling like a dog. EON : Arf! Arf! > Misty took a step back. "Seadra, Glacier Spear!" TIFF : Marle taught me this move! > "SEA-DRA!" Her Seadra glowed a cold blue and shot a large spike of ice > directly at the attacking pokemon. However, the oversized Machamp punched > it away almost contemptuously and shattered it on the ground. TBS: Shadooby... see, 'cause it's Shattered, and... MARK: That's nice. Shush. > It continued forward and was about to reach her, when a dark blur > collided into its side so hard, it was knocked through the wall of > the chapel and several more walls until it was smashed outside into > the forest. ICE: Gratuitous Violence Against a Cathedral! TBS: Y'see? SAMAS: Wha? TBS: Textbook case of overselling right there. > Misty turned and saw Ash crouching in place of the Machamp, feet > smoking. MARK: Live from Radio City! Ash Ketchum's Feet of Flames! TIFF: No riverdancing. Just... no. > "I had it under control," she said forcefully. EON : I had planned to let it smack me around until it got tired, you see. SAMAS : Uh-huh. > Ash lifted his arm. "Pikachu, to me!" As his pokemon leaped MARK : --and not "leapt"-- > on to his shoulder, he turned to look at her. "Sorry, but I > can't take any chances with the person who holds my life in > her hands." ICE : So don't think I'm being, y'know, *noble* and *heroic* or anything. > He leaped MARK : --and *not* "leapt"-- > through the hole in the wall and followed the trail of > destruction left by the Machamp's exit to the outside. Misty jumped after > him, her blue cloak billowing behind her. TIFF: Ah, even with superpowers, Misty goes back to her tag-along roots. > Jumping to the forest floor through the hole left in the white, smoking > marble of the temple outer-wall, Ash did a forward flip and landed low to > the ground, his left hand braced for balance. MARK : His arm promptly buckled and he went facefirst into the dirt. > Pikachu landed on all fours next to him, his jagged tail in the air > and alert. TBS: Pre-match posedown... check. > Misty arrived on the ground behind him with her Seadra hovering over-head > as Ash slowly rotated his field of vision. The fog, no longer affected by > Valdera's power of light, was seeping back into the area. TIFF: Well, so why doesn't Misty just use her 133t anti-fog skills again? SAMAS: Because that would *make sense*. > He had to find Machampross soon and end it before the visibility > worsened even more. He noted the line of destroyed trees the Master > Pokemon left in its flight. SAMAS: Obviousy, it had never heard of Arbor's Day. MARK: Or the World Wildlife Foundation. TIFF: Or *pre-cleared pathways*. > Misty moved forward. "Careful," Ash warned her. "Master Pokemon are > almost impossible to sense." > > "SEISMIC TOSS!" ICE : *Are* they, now. EON : Forget I said anything. > A tree trunk seemed to come out of nowhere. SAMAS : Seemed to. It actually came from the black hills of Sturgis. > Ash, Pikachu and Misty leaped MARK : --and *not "leapt," god damn you*-- > upward almost narrowly getting smashed by the huge rough wood thrown at > them. SAMAS: Log(tm)! From Blammo! TBS : Everyone loves the Log! > Ash rotated backward in the air to alight on a tree branch above him ICE : I'm in a battle for my life. Better set this tree on fire! TIFF: That's *supposed* to read *align*. ICE: How do *we* know? TIFF: ... TBS: Ooooh, burnt! TIFF: *Shut up*. > with Pikachu landing on his shoulder. Misty grasped on to the branch of > an adjacent tree and swung herself up. ICE: Sorry, Misty. The wire fu budget got reduced this episode. > The four-armed monstrosity jumped out of its hiding place behind one of > the forest trees TBS : BOO! > and ran, ape-like to leap on to the trunk of the branch > Ash was standing on. It began to climb impossibly fast. SAMAS: Y'know, the new Planet of the Apes movie just isn't very good. EON: You don't buy Marky Mark as the savior of the human race? SAMAS: I'm not going to dignify that with an answer. > "I DON'T CARE WHAT THE LIGHT MASTER SAID!" it rasped. ICE : I DAMN WELL *CAN* BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER! > "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU NOW!" TBS, MARK, EON, ICE, SAMAS: HARD-CORE VIOLENCE! TIFF: What character motivation. > Ash thrust himself off the branch and did a half twist to > face the huge pokemon as he descended to the ground. TBS: Nice landing. The judges give him 9s across the board. MARK: I'm getting bored with all this jumping, too. EON : Might as well jump! ICE : Jump! EON : Go ahead and jump! ICE : Jump! > "Pikachu!" His pokemon was settled into his hand. TBS: If it were to relieve itself in his hand right now, I would laugh for five days straight. > "Shadow Bolt!" He threw Pikachu straight at the climbing Machamp. SAMAS : Fastball Special! TIFF: ...he's using his familiar as a projectile weapon. > In midair Pikachu began to glow black and electricity crackled > as he began to form dark energy around his body. TBS: He's summoning his power of OOOOH! MARK : I shall attack you with the MAGIC OF SPECIAL EFFECTS! > The Machamp saw the attack and leaped away to a different tree. Pikachu > exploded through, TIFF : Covering everything for miles around in icky Pikachu guck. > narrowly missing it, but cutting the tree the Machamp > was climbing in half. The top of the tree fell down with a crash. MARK: "Crash" it went. ICE: Crash Bandicoot? TBS: Crash, nee Holly. ICE: Ah. > Ash landed on the ground, his cloak billowing behind him, EON: You know, these billowing cloaks sure have there way around here. ICE: Talk about a fashion rage! > and dodged as the Machamp leaped at him again. Its four arms were > just a few feet shy from grabbing him. > > "Seadra! Impale it!" Misty shouted. > > "SEA-DRA!" EON: Translation, "Screw you! Frasier's on!" > From behind the Machamp, Misty's pokemon charged, its head lowered to > skewer it through the spine. Shockingly more agile than it seemed, MARK: So it's not only the hero that's been affected by the rays of the Plot Contrivance Comet. Good to go. > the Machamp flipped backwards, landing behind the seadra and grasped its > body with its two lower arms. With its upper arms it began to bash the > water pokemon's head in, with massive overhead swings. TBS: "Mortal Kombat." Write it down. TIFF: Yeah, yeah. > The seadra squealed in pain and Misty shouted in horror. TIFF: Psst, Misty? Mystical water powers? Hello?... > "Drop it!" Ash shouted ICE : Bad! BAD! HEY! > as he jumped up and rotated into a flying spin kick striking the > Machamp's head. After completing the spin, he used his other leg > to propel himself away from it by pushing off its face. TBS: Just a few more hits, and Ash's Super Meter will be full. > The attack was powerful enough to snap its head to the side and > make it roar in agony. ICE: Remember, in canon, how Pokemon only fought other Pokemon and not the trainers? MARK: Yeah. ICE: Yeah. I miss that. MARK: Yeah. > It dropped the seadra, and grasped its head in pain with its > two upper arms. TIFF : This fight's giving me a headache! > Misty's eyes flashed blue as she formed an ice-blade around her > fist and leaped off the tree to the attack. EON : She's got laser eyes! HEY! TIFF: Ice powers... that's *kinda* water related. TBS: Maybe she can control Jell-O. That's mostly water. > The Machamp recovered from Ash's blow > and grabbed her out of the air with one huge hand. MARK: Then it climbs up the Empire State Building and roars a lot, I assume. > It began to laugh in exultation then stopped ICE : Ahh HA HA HA HA HA HA! AHH HA H-- [ICE stops abruptly.] ICE : What? > and screamed in pain as she slashed through its > wrist with a powerful swipe of her frosty ice-blade. SAMAS: This Machamp's about as competant a heavy as Bluto right now. EON : Let's give Mistaria a hand! [A beat.] TIFF: Shut up. > As she dropped, Misty did a back-flip away and landed safely on her feet. > "Don't underestimate me," she said dangerously, as she ripped off the > dismembered hand, which was still hanging around her waist and threw it > on the ground behind her. TBS: Would it be safe to say that Machamp's been disarmed? TIFF: I'm "disarming" the next guy with a dismembering pun, ya got it? ICE : What? TIFF: I... aargh! > "YOU BITCH!" the Machamp roared as it held its wrist in agony, trying to > stop the fast leakage of black blood. TIFF : Do you realize that I only start out with four of them? > It grasped another nearby tree and broke it off by the base with its > two free arms. "SEISMIC TOSS!" it shouted again as it threw it at her. MARK: The Machamp stopped on the way here to beat up Gutsman. > Misty expelled a breath TBS: It brought a knife to school, as it turns out. > and desperately tried to jump away but the tree was moving much too > fast. > > "Pikachu! Thunder Burn!" Ash shouted. EON : Feel the burn! > A dark flash of lightning disintegrated the thrown tree into red > ashes which harmlessly fell around Misty like snow flakes. TBS: ...oh. It's the McGuffin Bolt. > Ash turned back to the giant Machamp but it was no longer there. EON : Oh. Well, that was easy. > "NOW YOU DIE!" EON : Oh. Huh. 'Bout time. > From behind, two arms grabbed him like vices of steel and his back > exploded in pain as he was flipped over and smashed into the ground > with a huge overhead blow. TBS: Yikes! Nice overhead suplex... but it looks like Ash is getting a chair! > Ash choked on blood as the Machamp began furiously hammering on his > chest with as many functioning arms it had left. SAMAS: Which is to say, "three." TBS: I said, *go for the chair*! > A crater began to form on the hard earth behind his back as he > was pushed in by the force of the blows. ICE : Suddenly I find myself looking very uncool... > "I'LL MEGA-PUNCH YOU TO DEATH YOU MISERABLE TRAITOR!" TIFF : The drama. The pathos. EON: And to think this only goes on for thirty episodes before Ash recovers. > Pikachu on the ground next to them, snarled and began to power up, but > one of the Machamp's fists managed to knock him into the growing hole and > he fell in. MARK: D'oh! That'll happen! TBS: Well, so much for *that* Hyper Combo. > Abruptly, the Machamp roared in pain and it stopped the beating. ICE: Heh heh. TIFF: Quiet. > It stood up and ripped an ice spike from its back. It roared again as > more spikes began to embed themselves into it. It turned around. SAMAS : Hey! Now, cut that out! > Misty's eyes were glowing bright, aura flaring, as icy steam drifted > away from her hands which she had used to throw the spikes. EON : Halls Vapor Action, biyatch. > "YOU ANNOYING LITTLE GIRL! I WILL ENJOY RIPPING YOU APART!" it shouted. > Then it leered and growled lecherously. "IN MORE WAYS THEN ONE!" TIFF: Let me remind you--ick. > It began to run, ape-like at her, on arms and legs. Misty stood her > ground and desperately hoped that Ash was okay. SAMAS: Well, that's what I'd think if there was a--whu? > All of a sudden, the ground beneath the Machamp's feet ruptured in a > strong earthquake and it grunted in confusion and pain as it was > knocked high up in the air by a powerful blast. MARK : It flew off the screen and a small "-1" appeared over its damage meter. > Ash, in an explosion of dirt, rocks and other debris, erupted from the > ground and flew up into the sky after it. [General giggling ensues.] TBS: Hee hee! The hell? Ash tunnelled underground! SAMAS: "ASH learned Dig!" EON : I'm going deeper underground! > "Pikachu!" he shouted hoarsely. "Shadow Blade!" MARK: ...and *Pikachu* beat up Shadow Man. > Pikachu, hanging on to the back of Ash's cloak yelled in acknowledgment. > "Pii!" He began to glow black propelled himself into the air above Ash, > with a crack of thunder. ICE: And he summons the power of Greyskull! > More dark energy formed around the black electric mouse and the air > around it seemed to shift as it reformed itself into a black katana, the > very darkness of the long blade seeming to absorb the light around it. TIFF: The Mighty Morphin' Pikachu, ladies and gentlemen. SAMAS : Remember, Ash, if you truly love your Pokemon, use them to run a hellbeast through. > Ash grabbed the hilt of the sword in both hands and met the Machamp in > midair at the highest peak of their flight. TBS: Oh, I get it. It's a Pokemon/Power Rangers crossover fic now. SAMAS: Didn't I see this in an Eto Rangers episode? TIFF: You watch *Eto Rangers*? SAMAS: I... shut up! > "NOOOOOOO!" the Master Pokemon shouted in fear, seeing the blade of pure > shadow. It desperately tried to twist away from him in the air but it was > not to be. EON : I didn't read my monster of the week contract! I didn't get the memoooo! > Ash grunted as he swung the Pokemon sword, cleaving it diagonally through > the middle, causing black blood to explode everywhere. MARK: Alas, poor Machampross. We knew him well. Kind of. ICE: Machampross is survived by his relatives, Machampross Plus and Machampross 7. [TIFF dumps a whole bag of popcorn over his head.] ICE: It *had to be said*! > After the quick execution, he turned a flip and descended back to the > ground, landing with a solid thump and forming a smoking crater with his > feet. SAMAS: Y'know... I haven't seen much anime, but I remember Ash Ketchum and Trunks as being different characters. > The black blade hissed with steam as he balanced himself with one > hand on the ground. TIFF : You call this dinner? What is this? Don't you realize I have things to do? Where's my coffee? I needed to be at work 20 minutes ago! > A second later, the two halves of Machampross landed on either side of > him along with several splashes of blood and other body fluids. TBS: Borsch! EON: ..."borsch?" TBS: Borsch. [TBS nods, sagely.] EON: ...borsch. > Ash stood upright and threw the sword into the air. With another crack of > thunder, TIFF: It came right back down and cleaved his head off. SAMAS: Gravity STRIKES AGAIN! > it reformed back into Pikachu, who landed on his shoulder. EON: The part of Pikachu will be played by Stormbringer. Or maybe Mournblade. I'm not sure. > Misty was standing in front of him, impassive. "I see it was not a > mistake to force you onto my side." TIFF: So what color cloak does the Monotone Master wear? > Ash spat out some blood to the side then looked down at her. "It was a > mistake ... you just don't know it yet." He dusted his cloak free of dirt > and leaves. "You seemed to recognise Valdera. How do you know her?" he > asked, morbidly curious. ICE : Biblically. > Misty looked away from him with a troubled look in her blue eyes. "She's > my twin sister." TBS : So...wait, which one of you is the evil one? [TIFF whacks TBS over the head.] TIFF: Idiot. Can't you clearly see that... [TIFF stops for a minute, also confused.] ICE : Yeah, but if that's the case, then -- EON: Wait, wait, wait. Obviously, Pikachu has something to do with this. SAMAS: Hang on. Do you think Misty could be one of three? Triplets? In that case, would two be evil, and one good? And what does this have to do with anything at all? MARK : Or it could just be that, quite possibly, we're thinking this through further than the author did. [ALL pause for a moment and ponder this.] TBS: ...works for me. > *** End of Part 2 ICE : I WILL *END YOU*! > _________________________________________________________________________ > > POKEDEX > ICE: Ah! The in-fic fic! TIFF: None shall be seated during the enthralling PokeDex section. > _________________________________________________________________________ > > SHADOW PIKACHU TBS: See, that's the one that Bison kidnapped and made all robotic and stuff. TIFF: Yeah, yeah. > Type 1 - Shadow > Type 2 - Electricity MARK: I'd have pegged him as a Type A personality, actually. EON: Really? I would have thought he's Type AB. TIFF: All right, enough. ICE: Well, he can't be Type O, or he'd be mispelled. TIFF: I said *enough*. TBS: And R.E.M. is his favourite band. TIFF: ... TBS: His favorite singer is Michael S-type! TIFF: Aargh! > Attack : Shadow Bolt > Type : Shadow / Electricity SAMAS: ... ICE: That flew completely over my head. > Pikachu gathers dark electricity around its body and becomes a deadly > bolt of destructive energy. EON: Kind of like Janet Reno on drugs. SAMAS: Damn, man, since when has she needed the crack? > Attack : Thunder Burn > Type : Fire / Electricity ICE: Whoa, whoa, stop! This is hurting my head! MARK: Where does he *come up* with these connections? Why, this is *counter-intuitive*! TIFF: Okay, we get it. > A powerful lightning attack with elements of fire making it possible to > burn. MARK: Impossible! An attack of fire and electricity, named Thunder Burn, that can burn things with electricity? Preposterous! I refuse to believe it! TIFF: Yes, *thank you*. Be quiet. > Attack : Shadow Blade > Type : Shadow / Electricity / Fighting > > Pikachu shape-shifts into a long black katana sword. Incredibly sharp > and powerful. Thought to be an indestructible weapon. SAMAS: Oh, yeah. We like to see *that*. EON : I'm inde-STRUCTIBLLLLLEE! > _________________________________________________________________________ > > Notes: > > Comments & Criticisms would be much appreciated! ICE: Well, here we are, then. > Ace Sanchez > Emails : jsanchez@bigpond.net.au > : aceywacey@hotmail.com > : acey@i.am TBS: You know, he really shouldn't make his personal information that easy to get ahold of. Why, somebody could send him a NASTY VIRUS that would RENDER HIS COMPUTER COMPLETELY USELESS! WOULDN'T *THAT* BE BAD?! [TBS glances at SAMAS.] SAMAS: Are you implying something? TBS: JUST MAYBE! > WWW : http://i.am/acey > : http://www.users.bigpond.net.au/acey MARK: Maybe it's just me, but I think I see a pattern. [The theater doors unlock, and ALL rush out.] ======== [The company files out of the theater. TBS and TIFF are the last to leave. Before they make it into the snack bar, TIFF picks up TBS by the collar and slams him into the wall.] TIFF: The Snotling I know can't Rolling German Suplex a *cushion*, let alone SAMAS. What the hell have you done with him? TBS: Well... it's kinda embarrassing... TIFF: I've got a fist full of embarrassing right here, faux-snotbag. TBS: All right, all right. I've been working out. TIFF: Working out. TBS: SHHH! It's a secret. TIFF: Working. Out. TBS: Couple of crunches, some makeshift weights I scabbed together from leftover paper cups... you know. TIFF: Why? TBS: No reason. Not really. TIFF: I see. TBS: But if you've got a spare moment, there's some poetry I've written that I'd like you critique for me... TIFF: Who to? TBS: Ayako Hamada. TIFF: You're a freaking nutbar, you know that? [SAMAS walks up to the pair. TIFF lets TBS go and he scurries away.] SAMAS: Tiff, how're you coping? TIFF: Fine, just fine... no, really. SAMAS: You sure? There was a couple of times in there that I swear you were gonna twig on us. TIFF: It's cool. I've got... well, it's kind of embarassing. SAMAS: Go on, tell me. I swear I won't laugh. [TIFF seems to struggle with herself, then sheepishly holds up a brown-and-white Pound Puppy doll.] TIFF: Cuddles, meet SAMAS. SAMAS, Cuddles. [We quickly cut to the group over by the snack bar.] EON: Ice, I'm telling you: it is impossible to ferment Diet Coke. ICE: No one's ever really tried hard enough, you know. I'll bet it can be done. MARK: I heard tell the undiluted stuff can eat through concrete. EON: No way. ICE: Way. The Mafia dips folks into the stuff for torture purposes... Snot, what *are* you eating? [TBS is hunched over a cereal bowl, shoveling some pastel-coloured cereal into his mouth. He motions towards the box.] EON : "Bishy-Bix, as endorsed by Magickal Shonen Battle Cutey Ashura. Become a Pretty Hate Machine in four days or your money back." TBS: [swallows] Yeah... I saw the ad, and thought, why not, right? ICE: Is this part of that new training regimen? TBS: Sort of. MARK : Ingredients: Smugness, Essence of Wanker, Self-Righteousness. Caution: May contain trace elements of effective fighting techniques. TBS: Look! I get a free set of plastic katanas in each box! EON: You need help, my man. TBS: What I *need* is a willow-thin, yet supple and manly, figure like Ashura's sporting! [Suddenly, the viewscreen comes down and MMK and the Stooges appear.] MMK: Howdy, meat puppets! TIFF: Howdy, dead man walking. MMK: Just a brief visit, for the viewers at home, and to demonstrate the vast educational potential for my theater! EON: I... see. you mean, like what we learned? MMK: Exactly! I'll start! I learned that I like to make lots of money! [A pause.] MMK: Well, isn't anyone continuing? EON: Why should we? MMK: I've got a box of Pocky for the best answer. [A pause.] TIFF: Ooookay... I've learned that, yes, you *can* make a popular Pokemon fan fiction series that has little if anything to do with Pokemon. ICE: Robes can be both billowing and figure hugging at the same time. MARK: All important people in the world wear a single-colour cloak. TBS: If you leave the Pokemon League, you become of infinitely greater value to it. [pauses] Actually, the same principle can be found in Dilbert's workplace. EON: I've learned that whatever you do, don't kiss an aquamancer. TIFF: Four colors of Pikachu are, in fact, worse than two. SAMAS: I've learned that no matter how much you value interconnected communities and thriving commerce, you do *not* want to live in a village or other populated area. They burn down one a day. ICE: Oh, and did we mention that there's a very loose dress code for shapeshifters? EON: I've learned that ritualistic combat is quite silly. SAMAS: Hoods cover every part of one's head in shadows, with the notable exception of the eyes. This makes stunt doubles considerably easier to film. MARK: Pokemon can learn new attacks, not from other Pokemon, but from old issues of X-Men. TIFF: Aquamancers can do absolutely anything they want or need to do at any point in time *unless* they are in a battle, at which point they become largely useless. SAMAS: That goes for any other Master, too, once "Ashura" is around. ICE: Did anyone else notice that the name "Ace Sanchez" sounds like a badass Mexican version of "Buckaroo Banzai?" TBS: If "Apocalypse Now" were remade using wrestling icons, Dusty Rhodes would make a good Colonel Kurtz, The Rock can be Willard, Steve Austin would be a good Cpl. Kilgore, and the crew on the riverine gunboat will be Al Snow as the Chef, Perry Saturn as the surfer, Maven as the kid, and Booker T as the chief of the gunboat. Raven, Lance Storm, and Kurt Angle will also have roles, but I haven't gotten that far with Gavok on that. [A pause. ALL stare at TBS.] TBS: What? MMK: I think we've got a winner. [MMK pulls a cord. A box of Pocky lands on TBS' hands.] TBS: Pocky! MARK: Share! EON: Get him! TBS: Eep! [MARK, EON, ICE, and SAMAS jump TBS. Chaos ensues.] MMK : ...movie sign! C'mon, break it up! Movie sign! ======== [ALL file into the theater. ALL but TBS are chewing audibly.] TBS: My Pocky... TIFF: You took one for the team, Snot. Deal. > Warning: This is not standard Pokemon fanfiction. SAMAS: You may need a special adaptor, sold separately. ICE: Comming from Nintendo, later next year! TBS: So is it a sub-standard one then? SAMAS: I already did that joke. TBS: It bears repeating. > It contains scenes of > violence and some inappropriate language. TIFF: Mostly ours. TBS: It makes the fic more interesting. MARK: Cue. TBS: Wha--Cue? Oh, yeah! [TBS stands on his seat again and poses dramatically for a couple of seconds before leaping into the air.] > ************************************************************************* EON: Amateur. My kung-fu is best! > Pokemon Master EON : MASTER! MASTER! EON, ICE : Master of Pokemon will lead you astray... EON : MASTER! MASTER! [ICE headbangs.] > Fanfiction by Ace Sanchez. TBS: Wasn't Ace Sanchez a Mexican wrestler? > All parts of this story may be found at the following address: > http://www.users.bigpond.net.au/acey/pokemon.htm MARK: So we can blame the Australian government for this? [TBS whacks MARK from behind.] MARK: Ow! Sorry! Sheesh! > Note: Pokemon and its associated characters are copyright by Nintendo, > Game Freak, Creatures Inc, and 4Kids Productions. MARK: How can all those people have a copyright on the same thing? EON: You're still thinking too much... Oh, excuse me. [EON stands up and dives to his left in slow motion.] > ************************************************************************* EON: Shuriken-time, yo! > Part 3 - Remembrances SAMAS: By Calvin Klein. TIFF: If fanfiction is a crime, then call me guilty. > Red and menacing, the late afternoon sun and the hot wind encouraged the > village to burn. TBS : It was a hot, burning day that was hot. MARK : A little to the left. TBS : Catch those little houses over there. ICE : We *know* what we're doing, thank you. > Tall flames had engulfed each building like a foreboding > preview of hell. MARK: Only on E! > Soot blew around in the air in choking black waves. ICE: It may be just me, but villages seem to burn a *lot* in this fic. SAMAS: It's an insurance firm's hellhole. > To the side, a tall, muscled figure in a hooded brown cloak TBS: His lackeys called him... "The Higher Power." SAMAS: Or "Papa Shango." TBS: Yeah! That would've ruled! > stood and oversaw as his men ransacked the settlement standing on what > used to be Route Five. His brown eyes glowed darkly within the shadows > of the cowl of his cloak. MARK: What colour is it? The only way we can tell these guys apart is by their cloaks, you know. TIFF: After his demise in the Phantom Menace, *this* is what Darth Maul was reduced to. True story. > Folding his arms, he watched the tall flames engulf > each building one by one. TIFF : Smoke on the Graveler... a fire in the sky! > The smoke given off by the fires stood out as a deep murky black against > the cloudy sky and the frightened and pained screaming of villagers was > loud in the air as they were subdued or killed where they stood. EON : ...this is Dave Daily, with your up-to-date coverage of the Vietnam War. Back to you, story. > While the men of the small settlement were of the > latter, the women were rounded up in the centre to be dealt with later. TBS: ... so, why didn't he just say "They killed the men and ran off with the women?" EON: I guess being comprehensible isn't DRAMATIK enough. ICE: Well, look at the bright side. At least we know he's too chicken to write about the chicks getting PJurado-ed. TIFF: Maybe the author's just never heard of Vikings. > "Die, League scum!" a villager shouted, a young man with dark hair and > dressed in forest clothing, as he managed to elude two Fire Trainers and > come at the cloaked figure with a makeshift weapon. TBS: Then Wolverine broke his neck and Holocaust incinerated him. > It was a long plank of wood with sharp nails embedded in it that he > had no doubt picked up from one of the destroyed buildings. TBS : Oh no! He's got a board with a nail in it! EON : It's worse than that. He's got...a board with *multiple nails* in it! MARK: We need... TBS: A BIGGER BOARD! > The villager managed to come within several feet of him before the tall > brown-cloaked man waved his hand once. MARK : *Nothing* up my sleeves! > The ground exploded beneath the villager's feet and he screamed in pain > as he was thrown about a dozen feet into the air, legs horribly twisted > and broken. ICE: This'll teach him to get thrown into a "Danger Zone." TIFF : I AM A FARMERRRRR... > A flash of light caught the cloaked man's attention and he turned around. MARK: Yes, but, was he quicker than this flash of light? > Behind him, the scream abruptly cut off as a loud thump announced the > villager's body meeting the ground. ICE : Presenting, his filth-covered corpseness, the upper-half of a villager hitting the ground! TIFF, SAMAS, TBS : yay. > The white-cloaked woman was still glowing in a radiant light as she stood > there in front of him, ICE : I see *someone* got lucky last night. TIFF : What makes you think that? > having just returned from wherever she had > disappeared to earlier. Her eyes glowed blue and even though he could not > see the rest of her features hidden within the shadows of her hood, TIFF: ...why does her hood *have* shadows if her eyes are glowing? EON: Dramatic effect. MARK: And weren't you just telling *me* not to over-analyze this stuff? > he knew she was smiling. At her feet, the small white pikachu that was her > chosen pokemon also seemed to be smiling at him. SAMAS: Oh, I get it. Ash's little buddy is the "low" Pikachu, and this is the "high" Pikachu. TIFF: Yeah, but if this is the "high" Pikachu, why is it revelling in all this wanton destruction instead of, say, meditating and eating yogurt? SAMAS: Maybe Pikachu's just all FUBAR as it is. > "You seem to enjoy this don't you?" she asked in a faintly amused tone. SAMAS : Sure beats Starbucks. ICE : I hear that. > "Valdera," the brown-cloaked man said, ignoring her jibe. "You shouldn't > disappear like that when you might be needed." TBS : We needed another one for our four-way... [TIFF twitches.] TBS : ...bridge game. [TBS snickers.] > She looked around herself in scorn, noting the helpless people that had > no chance against a force of this much League power. MARK : But I don't *wanna* ransack and pillage, I wanna go plaaaaaaaay.... ICE : Again? > They could not even run away into the thick forest surrounding them > before fire trainers directed their pokemon to incinerate them down > with their flamethrower attacks. TBS : We wouldn't do this if you'd just leave the Bronx! > "You needed my considerable power to overwhelm this sorry lot?" > she asked in a disgusted tone. EON : I demand more talent fee! > "The rebels are quite strong, as I should know, MARK : I mean, they've beaten us enough. TIFF : Shush. MARK : That time in Viridian? What the hell was that? TIFF : I *know* this. MARK : Although we should've taken the SS Aqua if I wasn't busy subduing people. > and we might have gone up > against some resistance. Thankfully it seems they are not present within > this area. We are not to be bothered for the time is coming close at > hand." He turned around to continue watching his men destroy the village. EON : HA HA HA HA! Die, pigs!! > In particular he noted which villager women were nice enough for him to > take to bed tonight. SAMAS: Because he wanted a girl with a short skirt and a looooong jacket. > "Has Golemdor acquired some more supplies from the > old Pallet area yet?" MARK : No, they were out of pallets. [OTHERS groan.] > "Golemdor is dead." TBS : The ears are senseless that should give us hearing, to tell him his commandment is fulfilled, that Golemdor and Machampross are dead. EON: Oh, oh, oh, oh, that Shakespearian Rag. ICE: It's so elegant, so intelligent. MARK: [flips coin] ...hey, tails! > He whipped back around. "What?" he shouted. "How?" TBS : He... died! > Valdera continued to smile, her face hidden within the hood. "The > question is not 'how' but 'who'. MARK : I'm sorry, but that is the wrong question. > Ashura is back. TBS : ...in concert! > He should be still in > the outskirts of the Viridian Forest where I left him." > > "ASH." ALL: GEROOOOOVY! > At the mention of the name all the memories of the old pain came > back to him as vivid and real as before they had faded with time. TBS: Does this mean Ash jilted him at the altar? TIFF: No, Snot. TBS: Oh. [pauses] Did Pikachu leave him at-- TIFF: *NO*, Snot! > "I thought he was dead," he whispered. TIFF : He's dead! I saw him die! THIS CANNOT BE! TBS : ...this can't *BE!* He's a *NINJA!* EON: Well, hell, if Misty's got a twin sister, then anything's possible. > "You don't really think that one with the power MARK: ...of Greyskull? > could be killed that > easily," Valdera said, somehow sounding pleased. > > He narrowed his eyes at her. ICE : Is that... a pimple? EON : Shit! You noticed. > "You're happy about this I see. Just don't > try to stop me when I go to kill him for good." TBS : I'll re-kill him until he's dead, and then I'll *kill him some more*. ICE : And then I'll make him dig his own grave, and... > She sneered at him. "So you plan on facing him in the open this time, > instead of working behind his back?" MARK : 'Cause I heard the man's got a wicked backhand. > The brown-cloaked man stood up to his full height of six-feet-seven > inches and laughed confidently. "We'll let him come to us. EON: Ah, the famous last words of a Stupid Sub-Villain. SAMAS: No, that should be "I shall now leave you to your slow and inescapable death." > By the time he > gets here it will be too late." He was confused about one thing though. EON : Daddy... what's Vietnam? > "One thing that's bothering me. Why would Ash resurface now? MARK : Heck, even whales surface eventually. > Why would he even get involved?" ICE : To keep a cheap plot rolling. > "That's an easy answer," Valdera said SAMAS : I think it's A. TIFF : Is that your final answer? SAMAS : Ummm... yes? > as she knelt down to scratch her > pikachu on the head. "My sister is with him." > > His brown eyes glowed even darker. "MISTY!" TIFF : And Ash's pokemon. MARK : PIKACHU! TIFF : And the lead singer of Th' Dudes. MARK : DAVE DOBBYN! TIFF : And a certain star of stage and screen. MARK : SCOTT BAKULA! TIFF : And their little dog too. MARK : WUFFLES! THAT BASTARD! DON'T YOU STAND IN MY WAY WHEN I NEUTER HIM FOR GOOD! TIFF : Kill him, you mean. MARK : Yeah. That. > <><><> TIFF: I hate Vib Ribbon fanfic. > The small, hot spring was warm and pleasant as Ash stood within the > stomach-high waters and scrubbed soap suds all over his naked body. SAMAS: Wait... he isn't *holding* any soap... EON: I live near a lake with those kinda bubbles in it, actually. TIFF : Service, service, service! [^_^s] > It had been a few days or so since he had a 'real' bath SAMAS: So he had 'fake' ones? TBS: Sadly, Pikachu's pissing on his back wasn't very refreshing. > and he was exceedingly happy to have one now. MARK : Because, oddly, I have smelled quite rank the past couple of days. > They were fortunate he had remembered EON : I can't forget... I can't forget, but I don't remember what... > this old camping site near the outskirts of the Viridian Forest with > this nearby bathing spot. TIFF: ... that *really* makes it sound like someone installed a bathtub in the middle of a forest. > His chest was sore from the various fights he had fought recently, > not to mention his arms, but the warm water was soothing. ICE: So when he says "old camping site," what he *means* is "Quan's Dwelling." Got it. > Coupled with his high healing rate, SAMAS: --the adamantium would soon adapt itself to his body. > he could almost imagine that he felt himself getting better > by the second. TBS: Yeah. Imagining is fun. > He sensed someone behind him and his guard rose up. MARK: It's probably just that chick with the bees again. TBS: So he calls it his "guard?" Shouldn't that be-- TIFF: Stop right there. [TBS sighs.] > But he did not turn around. ICE : No. Don't turn around. You mustn't turn around. > It was Misty. He continued to wash himself TBS: *snrk* ICE: Yeah, I'd wash myself if the only other choice was Misty, too. TIFF : Happy thoughts... think those happy thoughts... > as he heard clothing > fall to the rocky grounds surrounding the spring. [TBS makes a "PLONK" sound.] ICE : Misty... where do you buy your clothes? > She seemed to be undressing. SAMAS: Seemed to be. She was actually fashioning herself a crude noose as she snuck up behind Ash. MARK: Or she was re-conditioning the engine for a VW Kombi. EON: The sounds *are* very similar. > "I thought we agreed that we would take turns and that I would be first > seeing as how I was injured," he said flatly, TBS : That's okay. All you have to do is lie there. > still not acknowledging her with a look. MARK: And MTV's "The Real World: Pokemon!" EON: Tune in later as they argue on who washes the Pikachu! > There was no answer for a while except for the sound and feel > of the water behind him parting SAMAS: ...as a passing Moses split the spring down the center. TIFF : Still got it! > to accommodate another body. TBS: Hey! No dumping bodies in the hot spring! Bad Misty! > "I couldn't wait that long," she said in a faint tone. EON : Now help me put a rock on this guy or something. He keeps floating back up. MARK : The sign says "No Dumping." EON : The sign can eat me. MARK : Fair enough. > "Besides, I thought we should talk." TBS : Or we could make with ze sweet, sweet love. ICE : Or I could kill you. TBS : That, too. ICE : Or we could do both! We got plenty of time. > "About your sister?" he asked. TIFF : Actually, I'd like to talk to you about Scientology. > "Yes, you never did tell me you had a > sister. A twin sister at that. Why is that? TBS : WhassupwitDAT? > I thought we told each other everything." SAMAS : Well, you did sort of go off and become evil... MARK: What I want to know, Ash, is how *dense* you have to be to not realize that you were hanging out with this other slutty woman who happened to look just like your ex-girlfriend. > "To put it frankly, it's still painful to talk about her," Misty said > softly. TIFF : Every time I say "Valdera"-- EON: *GZZT*! TIFF : --OW!--I get a mild but memorable shock. > "At that time we thought she was dead. TBS: SCENE! [MARK hefts ICE over his shoulder. TBS hits a pot with a ladle.] TBS : Bring out your dead! MARK : Here's one. TBS : Nine quid, please. ICE : I'm not dead! > She and I were very close. ICE : I think I'm getting better! MARK : No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment. > Sometimes people don't understand just how twins feel about one > another." TBS: Hark! Do I detect the scent of yuri in the air? TIFF: No, you don't! > Her tone went flat. EON: Her solo stunk pretty bad after that. TIFF : It's the *reed*. SAMAS : Yes, yes, it's always the reed. > "Later after you and I went our separate ways and you > disappeared, even from the League, I learned she was alive and well. MARK : She was living under the government witness protection program. They renamed her "Bob." > As a Pokemon Master. A Master for the other side." EON: ...so she was a hero? TIFF: No, no. See, this is DARK and BAD. There are no good sides; just greater and lesser amounts of evil. > Ash thought about it. "She never did tell me where she came from." TBS : When we were together, all she did was mo-- [TIFF's stare threw ice daggers at TBS.] TBS : --ve furniture around the house. [TIFF rolls her eyes and turns her gaze back to the screen.] TBS : Then we boinked! [TIFF slaps her forehead.] > "So it's true that you *were* seeing each other when you were both in the > League then," Misty said. It was not a question but a statement. TBS : Well, I'd had such luck with the original, I thought I'd try the other... MARK: And he didn't notice how they looked similar? ICE: Ash Ketchum *is* Scott Summers! EON: In William Shakespeare's "The Love Boat Goes to Illyria!" > Ash shrugged. SAMAS : It's none of my concern. > He reached around to do his back then winced in pain as a > muscle in his shoulder tightened. > > "Here let me do that," Misty said as he felt her come up behind him. EON : No, see, I don't *like* it when my muscles tighten, and-- SAMAS : Yoink! EON : AAIGH! > He was about to move away and protest when he felt her soft hands > touch him. ICE: Bomp-chicka-bomp-wow... > All at once memories of the past assailed him, TBS : On three, we ASSAIL HIM! ICE : Huzzah! > days just like this one where they bathed each other, and he just could > not move. [TBS and ICE have grins on their faces.] TIFF : Ace only makes it easier... > She kneaded the soap softly into his shoulders and back and squeezed the > tight knots in his muscles and smoothed them to nothingness. MARK: Ah, she knows the secret Disintegrating Touch then. SAMAS: Ash is going to leave this bath with only his head. > Unknowingly MARK: --Ash was being massaged *not* by Misty... but by a KUNG-FU CREATURE ON A RAMPAGE! ICE: III! > he sighed and leaned back against her as she worked her magic over him. TBS : What kind of magic spell to use? Slime and--urk. SAMAS: No. Bowie. Please. TBS: Okay. > The magic she had not lost in over five years. ICE : ...you have strange powers. TBS : Oh oh, it's magi--urk. SAMAS: No *Cars*, *either*. TBS: Oh, come on. > The magic that made him clay to be moulded by her hands. He closed his > eyes and remembered ... TBS : Do you suffer from long-term memory loss? I do--OW! HEY! SAMAS: NO. CHUMBAWAMBA. EITHER. TBS: I'll get you for this one day, foul censor! > <><><> ICE: No! Despero! Despero is attacking! > It seemed all he could hear was the cheering of the crowds surrounding > the ring. SAMAS: It seemed. It was actually his alarm clock. > The Pokemon League Stadium building was packed to the maximum it > could hold. Streamers and confetti showered all around him and banners > were opened hailing the new Pokemon League Champion. TBS : Yay Pikachu! > "Yep, Misty!" Ash shouted as he turned around to his long-time companion > and friend who had front seat in the sidelines - although sometimes they > had seemed more like enemies. "You're now looking at a true Pokemon > Master!" MARK: Which, of course, begs the question... ICE : What the HELL ARE *YOU* STARING AT? > Exceedingly happy with himself, he turned his trusty old red cap > around backwards and struck a pose. EON : There's nothing to it! > "Not only that, but TIFF : I can get all long-distance calls up to twenty minutes for just *ninety-nine cents*! > champion of the Pokemon League!" TBS: Do you wanna be a master of-- SAMAS, ICE: PO-KE-MON? TBS: Do you have what it takes to be-- SAMAS, ICE: NUM-BER ONE? > Pikachu, tired, but still conscious from the long drawn out battle MARK: Or else he, you know, wouldn't have *won*... > jumped up on his shoulder and let out a victory cry. He had been > the one pokemon Ash had left that would defeat Gary's Jolteon in > a long drawn-out battle. > "Pika! Pika!" TBS: Translation: "Who *booked* this crap?" > Misty laughed and ran towards him before they engulfed each other > in a giant hug. EON: Hugs do *not* "engulf." *Shuma-Gorath* "engulfs." Hugs *squeeze*. TBS: Shuma-Gorath *likes* to hug! EON: Quiet. > Even Pikachu was squashed within the tight embrace. SAMAS : Can't... breathe... spine shattered... world fading... > "I knew you could do it, Ash!" she said with tears in her eyes. > Ash swung her around in his arms, ICE : On the second pass, Misty failed to clear the mountains. > which wasn't so hard now that he had grown a bit > during the years they travelled with one another. > In fact he had been taller than her for quite some time. TIFF: *Thanks*, Revisionist History! > As they hugged each other, Ash became aware of another feeling. ICE: His pants felt a few sizes too tight. > The feeling that this was all worthwhile because Misty was here. Had > always been here, right by his side. TIFF: I've become aware of a feeling, too. The feeling that I'm about to *gag*. ICE : We are statues. We are nothing but cold, emotionless granite. TBS : But... wait! What is this that I feel welling up inside me? Is it human compassion and emotion? [A pause.] ICE : No. TBS : No, you're right. Still heartless granite. > That his whole journey to become a Master was second-best to meeting > this sometimes strange, but cute, red-haired girl. MARK: Ash Ketchum *is* Charlie Brown! SAMAS: In a very special episode of "Love, Johto Style!" > He didn't know what he would have done without her. Ironically, > perhaps wrecking her bike was the best thing he could have ever done. EON: Incidentally, Irony called. It's *suing for abuse and mistreatment*. > Behind them, Gary sat down dejectedly on the ring's floor with his > poke-balls scattered all around him. ICE : Oops. I dropped my balls. > He had not been champion for long before Ash had won the title > from him. His cheering squad was silent. TIFF : Perfecto. Rah. > Brock who had come to watch Ash win the finals, looked on with a strange > expression on his face. MARK : There goes my twenty... > <><><> TBS: Hey! Kyosuke's fireball! > "So what are you going to do now?" Misty asked hesitantly. SAMAS : I'm going to Disneyland! > Ash nodded at Professor Oak. "Well, I've been talking to the Professor > here and it seems that the pokedex still hasn't recorded all of the > different types of pokemon ... so I'm gonna travel the world again > and fill this thing up to the full!" ICE: Right, right, and then you'll come back and find out there's *still* more Pokemon left so they don't have to come up with a new plot for next season... EON: Is this some kind of vague metaphor for European expansion? MARK: ..."*up to the full?*" > "Yes, yes ..." Professor Oak agreed. "There are still many pokemon out > there waiting to be discovered!" TBS: Then why don't *you* go out and find them, you wrinkled fruit? TIFF: Has it ever occurred to anyone that Professor Oak has issues? SAMAS: Maybe he was hurt by a falling Pokemon as a child and seeks to understand everything about them to heal his trauma. TBS: Maybe he's a dick. TIFF: That works, too. > "And besides, you know me, Misty. I can't stick around in one place > trying to act all important-like to be the League Champion! So I've > decided to let Gary take my place." SAMAS : STUNT DOUBLE! > "WHAT!" everyone who was listening shouted. TBS : What? ICE, MARK : WHAT! TBS : What? ICE, MARK : WHAT! TBS : What? ICE, MARK : WHAT! > Gary seemed to come back to life as he stood up. TBS : Yes! Does this mean I get to be on-camera for more than five minutes at a time now? > "You mean it, Ash?" he asked, delightfully. MARK: Meaning "delighted," of course. TIFF: Thanks, Captain Nitpick. > Even the Professor was shocked. EON : You mean... it's not butter? > "But I didn't think you were going to > give up your title! ICE: Heh. Ash "lost his smile." TBS: This was just after he was beaten up by four to twelve Pokemon in Syracuse, depending on whose story you believe. > You could have both been League Champion and gone on > this assignment!" > > "And you worked so hard for this moment! You never gave up!" Misty said. MARK : You're so superior us mere mortals, Ash! How could you dream of lowering yourself to our pathetic standards? > "All this time, you've never given up." EON : Don't give up... 'cause you haaaave friends... > Her voice also held a sad note. MARK: C#. EON: Nope. C# is a happy note. Eb is a sad note. MARK: How can you... never mind. > "Besides if you leave, I-I might not see you as much anymore ..." TIFF : Sweet! Seeya! > Ash held up his hand EON: --and one finger in particular-- TBS : What? ICE, MARK : WHAT! > as he removed his red cap, letting out his spiky black hair. EON: Jesus! Does he go to Cornfed's barber? > He put it on Pikachu's head who was crouched down at his > feet. "No, no! SAMAS : I've changed my mind! Pikachu, *you*'re the new League Champion! TBS : Sweet! I'm spending my prize money on ALE AND WHORES! > I've decided. If I stayed as the League Champion, I > would've had to come back every tournament to uphold my title. MARK : 'Sides, I also thought, I'd lose this title in the next match anyway. So why wait? SAMAS: Lousy coward champion... ICE: See? Lost his smile. > And frankly, TIFF : You people are *losers*. I mean, *Jesus*. > I think I've just discovered what I want most in life ... and > surprisingly, it's not to be the Champ ... I-It's something else." SAMAS : I want a donut! Right now! EON : I LOVE ROCK 'N' ROLL! PUT ANOTHER DIME IN THE JUKEBOX BABY! TBS : ...the afterworld. A world of never-ending happiness, where you can always see the sun, day or night. > He looked directly at Misty. MARK : What I want most in life is *staring contests*. Go! > "I know we haven't exactly been the perfect couple, you and I ... I, > I ... always fighting and that, but we were a couple and it just > wouldn't be the same without you ... so wha-what I'm trying to say is ... MARK : This is a restraining order. > oh heck, wouldyouliketogowithme?" TBS: Bob Newhart *is* Ash Ketchum. > Misty's eyes watered. TIFF: Thereby causing her to spontaneously emit Shoujo Sparkles into the air. > "You really mean it? TBS : Aw, geez. You gonna *cry*? ICE, MARK : WHAT! SAMAS : I-- TBS : What? ICE, MARK : WHAT! > Of course I'll go with you!" EON : You look like an appropriate foil to my nascent dreams of empire! > She ran over to him and they hugged again, laughing and spinning each > other around. TIFF : We express our joy via swing dance! > Everyone sighed tiredly. EON : This scene is taking *forever*, I swear to god. SAMAS : *Man* can these two not act. > They all knew the couple were inseparable TIFF : Especially after their little super-glue incident. > and that no matter what Ash decided to do, Misty was no doubt > part of his future. SAMAS: It's only foreshadowing if we don't know what's happened yet, you assclown. MARK: Yeah. This way, it's just dramatic irony. > "And besides, you still owe me a bike!" Misty said. TBS : OH-ho-ho-ho, sir! TIFF: Lady, I hope he takes the bike, *squeezes* it into a little aluminum ball, and then RAMS IT STRAIGHT UP-- ICE: Hey, hey, you'd yell at us for that! No fair! TIFF: --oh, fine. I'll just sit here and be bitter, then. TBS: What? ICE, MARK : WHAT! TIFF: ... > "Aw, you still going on about that?" Ash said, rolling his light-brown > eyes. EON : Rollin' rollin' rollin'... keep those doggies rollin'... > "It was a crummy bike anyway! Broke after one fall!" > > Misty's eyes flashed. "Excuse me? That bike was the most, most! I > assembled it myself!" MARK: I'm surprised Ace is letting her be smart enough to know how a wrench works. > "Maybe that was why the spearows almost got us then!" > > "Why you!" > > Soon the hugging turned into a different sort of hugging. ICE: It was a pseudo-hug! SAMAS: Maybe it was only a quasi-hug. TBS: No! It turned into the Hug-that-wasn't-a-Hug. TIFF: I think it's called smothering. EON: It had better not be engulfing, I'll say that right now. > One that had more to do with various wrestling manoeuvres than a > show of affection. ICE: Hey, Tiffa. Gimme a hug. TIFF: ...no. ICE: What if I promise no wrestling maneuvers? TIFF: *No*. ICE: Oh, come on! A show of affection! TIFF: *No*, Ice. TBS: Hey, SAMAS. SAMAS: Yeah? [TBS ducks behind SAMAS and clamps on a waistlock.] SAMAS: Oh no. Oh NO! [TBS drops SAMAS on his head and shoulders three times with his Rolling German Suplexes.] TBS : That's for not letting me sing earlier. A big ol' hug! No hard feelings. SAMAS : Urrghl. ICE: ...see, my hug'd be nothing like that. TIFF: Ice, *no*. > Pikachu at their feet, sighed. "Pi-ka-chuuu." MARK: Translation: "This scene is making me diabetic. I need a drink." > Everyone shook their heads. "You can say that again," they echoed. TBS : Pi-ka-chuuu. [SAMAS thwaps the back of TBS's head.] EON: Then they all started laughing, and held that pose through the credits. > The only one who wasn't paying attention was Gary TIFF: Thus showing him to be the only one in the room with any sort of intelligence. > who was laughing as he put on his League Champion badge > and struck poses in the mirror. MARK : And with these poses, I'll go on to be a rock star! > However as Ash and Misty struggled and rolled along the ground, > wrapped in a tight embrace, TBS : And now the moment you've all been waiting for: *hardcore pornography*! TIFF: SNOT! > they each heard the other say softly, at the same time, TBS , ICE : You still can't have my Bud Light! > "I love you." Then they laughed and continued the wrestling. TIFFA: ...o-*kay.* Five yard penalty. Gratuitous use of WAFF. MARK: Does anyone else here feel like they're watching "Wonder Years" reruns? [ALL raise their hands.] > <><><> SAMAS: And the three brightest stars make up Orion's belt! > Ash's eyes snapped open and he abruptly stepped out of the water and on > to the bank to where his clothes were draped over a log, drying his skin > with dark energy as he did so. ICE: You sell your soul for ultra cool powers, and *this* is how you use them? SAMAS: Yes, who needs a towel when you have dark energy to burn? > He looked at his pile of clothes and boots and concentrated, > dissolving them to shadow, which then moved and crawled > up his body before he solidified them back into place. MARK: So they're made out of bioplastic, then? EON: Or unstable molecules. TIFF: Pym particles would explain *so* much of this. ICE: Nah, eufiber. Gotta be. > Then he summoned his black cloak back over them. MARK : We've secretly replaced his "Black Cloak" materia with the "Pissed-Off and Unfed Knights of the Round" materia. TBS: Let's see what happens... > "You shouldn't do that," he said dangerously, still not facing her. He > did not want to see her nakedness, he didn't know what he would do then. ICE: You don't know what to do with a naked Misty? Dude, it *has* been a while, hasn't it? TIFF: You're just not trying, are you? ICE: Sorry. I'm new at this. TBS: Would he scream that she's "NNNNNNNNNAKEDYEAHHHHH!"? > Whatever, it would only have led to hurt in the end. ICE: Whip me, beat me, make me write bad checks! > Her voice came softly to him along a passing breeze. "You were tense. And > it's not like we haven't done this before." SAMAS: They did? ICE: So dojins *are* canon! SAMAS: THEY ARE NOT! > "And not likely to happen again either," he said. "I'll admit I'm your > slave for the meantime. [TBS fidgets nervously in his seat.] TIFF: ... > But I will not also be your toy to play with as you wish, [TBS bites his arm and stomps his feet.] TIFF: I have to commend you for trying, Snot. TBS: But it's TOO EASY! > then abandon. SAMAS : Play me, trade me, forget me, who cares? > I will not." And then he stalked off back to the > campsite where Pikachu was waiting and staying on guard. The > leaves and foliage crackled loudly underfoot. ICE : I'm going to go over here and sulk in peace now. > Unseen, Misty wiped a tear from her eye and leaned over the stony bank of > the spring, covering her face with her arms. "I-It was your fault t-too." ICE : It's all about the he-said-she-said bullshit... EON : Isn't it. Isn't it just? Isn't it just like a woman? Your eyes. It's a day's work just to look into them... > <><><> > > Later, around the campfire, they each ate silently. They had caught some > fish, thanks to Misty and had cooked it over the open fire. TBS: I heard Fried Magikarp tastes like Boiled Pidgey. SAMAS: And what does Boiled Pidgey taste like? TBS: Chicken. > Only Pikachu made a noise as he happily slurped on an open bottle of ketchup. MARK: It's his version of J'onn J'onzz' Oreo habit, I guess. > But overall, the silence was almost oppressive. The only thing that Ash was > feeling grateful for, was that the fish were not Magikarp, which were > nothing but scales and bone. ICE: I didn't think there were any other fish in that world *except* Pokemon. > Again, the clouded sky obscured most of the moon's light so the fire was > the only thing keeping the darkness of the night at bay. TIFF : I'm repeating this because there was *someone* in the back of the classroom who wasn't paying attention... [TBS snores loudly.] EON: [elbows TBS] Dude, wake up, you're about to get us all in trouble! > Aside from the > hooting of the wild pidgey, the outskirts of the Viridian forest was > also largely quiet, mirroring the situation in the camp. ICE: Dammit, Ace, do you need two paragraphs to describe what silence sounds like? MARK : Hello, darkness, my old friend... ICE: Shut your word-hole! > Suddenly Misty let out a large scream and jumped on top of the log she > was sitting on. The plate of food she was holding flew high into the air. EON : I...MUST...*SIIIIING*! > Ash, startled almost to death by the scream, leapt up. > > "Misty? What the hell?" > > Then the plate of food landed on his head with a wet splat. ALL: ... TBS: Slapstick(TM)! It improves every scene! Try some in your story today! EON: This message brought to you by the International Council for the Advancement of Slapstick. If it was good enough for the Three Stooges, it's good enough for you. > Pikachu saw it and started laughing. > > "Pika, pika, pika!" SAMAS: Translation: "Now *that's* comedy!" > Misty was still screaming when Ash, annoyed now, ripped the plate of food > off his head. ICE: Yeesh. Putting wood glue in the gumbo probably wasn't a good idea, Misty. > "Misty ..." his eyes widened when he saw what she was going > to do. She had cupped both her hands in a fist and was about to launch a > huge ball of cold blue energy at a small caterpie at the foot of the log > she was standing on. EON: Ah! Referential Komedy! The best kind! TIFF: I'm ODing on mischief here. > "A bug! I hate bugs!" Misty was shouting in panic. "Kill it, kill it, > kill it!" EON: Ahahaha! It's, funny, see, because she's a *gurl*! And even *gurls* who are BADASS DEATH WARRIORS will be cowardly and spineless over icky things like bugs and spiders! It's funny because it's true, and because it's what *gurls* who can fire energy blasts would do to stupid bugs! Oh, Ace, you sterling wit, you! TIFF: [revs chainsaw] Yeah, we *gurls* sure love to destroy everything that annoys us on the off chance we're powerful enough to do so! EON: ...eheheheh. Kidding, Tiffa, kidding, you know me... MARK: Say, didn't she train a Caterpie to-- TBS: Are you disputing the author's logic? MARK: Well...yeah. TBS: You know what happens when you do that, right? MARK: What? TBS : Madness... MARK: I'll be good. > However, before she could shoot the ball of ice at it, the caterpie > jumped up on the log and began to hug her leg. EON : Dogs--hump your master's leg at an inappropriate time. > Misty's eyes rolled up in > her face and she fainted, toppling over backwards on the grassy ground, > blue cloak billowing open, revealing long, bare slender legs underneath. SAMAS: Near pantyshots! Random acts of violence played for humor! Wacky food slapstick! Frank Miller himself couldn't do grim and gritty like this. > Ash tried not to look ICE: WUSS! > as he fished out one of Misty's poke-balls from her > backpack and threw it. The ball opened up over the caterpie's head and > enveloped it in a thin beam of blue energy before swallowing it inside. EON: And it also swallowed Misty. ALL: Hilarity ensued! > However Ash was surprised when the ball opened again and it came out. > The caterpie seemed to make a face at him EON: ...uh, how? Caterpie doesn't *have* a face, he's all eyes and antennae and bug-parts... MARK: Well, that's why he only *seemed* to. You've got to pay attention to Ace's prose, or you'll miss the deeper shades of meaning. EON: *Ohhhh*. > as it did so and then leapt away into the bushes. ICE : Exit, stage right! Left, even! > Pikachu continued to laugh at him as he scratched his head. MARK : *Watch* Ashura Ketchum imitate a monkey! > "Some things never change," he sighed as he looked over to the > unconscious Misty. TIFF: Aww... isn't it cute how they're pretending to act like the Pokemon characters? TBS: This attempt at characterization is brought to you by the Padding Council. > A piece of fish fell from the top of his head. He smiled a small smile. > He really needed a reason to smile just now. TBS: Especially after being put through a humiliating scene like this. > He had lived with depression a long time, it seemed. EON: Then you need therapy and medication, Ash, not a Stupid Wacky Bitch to amuse you. > <><><> ICE : ...diamonds... in the rough. > It was almost evening of the next day, with the red light of the late > afternoon sun low in the sky, when they spotted the smoke rising in the > distance. SAMAS: Smoke signals! What do they say? TBS: E... A... T... A... T... J... O... E...S... > It could have only been coming from the small town that was > built by the ruins of Pewter City. ICE: Ah, scenic Redshirtston. > Misty's mouth tightened as she saw it. MARK: So Ash offered her some chapstick. > "Let's go." > > They began to run through the remainder of the forest, the smell of > destruction carried to them by the north wind MARK: It would have been there sooner, but it stopped to pick up a cookie. TIFF: Cookies? Where? > and when they reached the > summit of the large hill overlooking the town, they fell face-down on > their chests upon the grassy underbrush and observed the action. EON : Growlithe was close... I could smell it... > There seemed to be some sort of battle going on down there among the > ruins and the town. ICE : The Old Stone Ruins are beating the Town, two to nothing. > Ash recognised the uniforms of League Trainers as > well as what could only be people of the Rebellion. SAMAS: There's a Star Wars analogy here, but I can't seem to put a finger on it... TBS: The AT-AT Walkers they were fighting were a dead giveaway, too. SAMAS : That was it. Thank you, Snot. TBS <^_^ing>: Any time, Puffer. > Fireballs seemed to be flying everywhere as the League Trainers were > predominantly of the TIFF: Shotokan type? MARK: PIKADOUKEN! > fire type. [TBS snaps his fingers.] EON: ... then wouldn't all the sparks and smoke make it hard to see anything? ICE: Not if you have M4D 3V1L SK1LLZ like our buddy Ashura does! > However, unfortunately for the other force, they looked to be > more of the grass type and appeared to be taking quite a beating. MARK: And running around screaming "OH GOD, OH GOD, PUT IT OUT!" > "That's Erika down there ..." Misty whispered, pointing at an elegant > green-cloaked figure that was battling someone on horseback on the > outskirts of the ruins. TIFF: Meanwhile, in _Ivanhoe_... > It was a man dressed in a blood-red cloak. In his > hand he carried a long, red sword that looked to be made purely of fire. EON: Back! Back, flame of Udun! > The green-cloaked figure dived as the man almost ran her down with his > horse, narrowly missing her. Then rolling around to her feet, she shot > what looked like spores out of her hands to retaliate. TBS : Behold, for I will give you painful allergies and hay fever! > But a large fiery aura surrounded the man and his horse, burning the > spores to ashes. Ash saw that it was not an ordinary horse, but a > Rapidash, the fastest pokemon horse in existence. TIFF: There's no such thing as an "ordinary horse" in Pokeworld, is there? SAMAS: Well, yes and no. A ponyta might be called an "ordinary horse" and a Rapidash the extraordinary sort, but there are no non-Pokemon animals. TIFF: Thank you. You're very knowledgeable. SAMAS: It's a living. > "We've got to help them," Misty whispered again. MARK : Why? ICE : Because it's the right thing to do! [MARK chuckles derisively.] > "Is that an order, Mistress?" Ash said, already planning on how to > dispatch the force anyway. TBS : Will you spank me if I don't? Huh? Willya? > "Well if you need to be ordered than consider it an order," she said > hotly. ICE: See? Ordering makes her hot! TIFF: Amateur. ICE: Well, come *on*! It's perfectly logical! > "Okay then here's what we'll do. You go after the Fire Master battling > Erika since your element is strong against fire. TIFF : Use the element which brings life! > Meanwhile I'll take out > the other Fire Trainers since I can fight well against numbers." EON : Yes, but electric Pokemon don't do well against-- MARK : HEY! Who's the badass here? SAMAS: I am completely in awe of Ashura's grasp of the obvious. I really am. > "So you get to order me around?" Misty said as she got up and pulled her > hood over her head to hide her long red hair. ICE: The end result just kinda made her head look hideous and swollen, though. > "You're just lucky that I had the same thought. Alright, let's go," MARK: Again. > She whipped a loose fold of > her long blue cloak around one arm and began to run towards the western > side of the town near the outskirts of the Pewter City ruins. > > Ash got up and lowered the hood of his own black cloak. SAMAS: To make sure he couldn't see the enemy any better. > He looked down at his small, black electric mouse. "Pikachu, you heard > the plan." > > "Pika," TBS: Translation: "Yes, I did. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?" > Pikachu acknowledged as he leapt onto Ash's backpack and crawled > inside the opening. TIFF : ...eww, wait, what did you put in here last night? Whatever it is, I just *sat* in it... > Then he dashed off to the eastern side of the town, > low to the ground, black cloak whipping behind in the wind. TBS: And that made him a gigantic target anyway! > Running down the hill on silent feet, and using the trees for cover, > he threw his senses out to locate all the trainers on the hostile force. EON: ...no wonder Ash is so unstoppable! His ninja training gave him the power of RADAR! (TM) OTHERS: Ohhhh... > His lips tightened grimly. He was about to do what he did best. EON: Ladies and gentlemen, due to illness, the part of Ash Ketchum will be played by Logan. > <><><> EON : Come on and smile for Goldfish / Real old-fashioned Goldfish / The wholesome snack that smiles back / Until you bite their heads off... > "Bulbasaur!" the young girl with long dark brown hair and dressed in a > green blouse and skirt shouted. ICE : Whadda ya want? I'm overworked as it is. > "Leech Seed!" > > "Bulba!" TBS : Forget you. *You* fight the fiery death knights, toots. > At her feet, the small greenish frog-like pokemon, with a round > plant on its back, shot a hail of seeds at her opponent. EON: Immediately, they began copying his MP3s. > "Arcanine!" the ratty-looking man dressed in red countered. "Fire Spin!" > The large, fire-red dog growled loudly and began to weave fire at them. BILLY KANE: Hey hey! That's my move! EON: Huh? Who's he? TIFF: [sighs] Cameo. [BILLY KANE walks off and disappears.] ICE : So, is he supposed to be a weaver or something? > The girl screamed and dove down as the fire attack blew right through the > seeds and wrapped her bulbasaur in hot flames. MARK : Smokin'! > The bulbasaur let out an anguished death-cry then crumbled into black ashes. TBS: He's Cajun-style now. Better call Paul Prudone. > "Bulbasaur!" the girl cried, tears streaming down her face as she knelt > in the dirt. MARK : I'm not a very good elemental mistress. TIFF: *I'm* a better elemental mistress than this. > The Fire Trainer laughed as he put his hands on his hips. "Grass pokemon > are no match for the most powerful pokemon! ICE : Now roll that sumbitch up! It's *schmokin'* time! > Fire!" He tweaked his thin black moustache. TBS: In a cameo appearance: Snidely Whiplash! [OTHERS applaud politely.] > "Now Arcanine, bite her head off. We have other Plants > to fry!" He laughed again at his own joke. TBS : If you have to explain a joke, Harl, *there is no joke*! > The oversized red dog, growled and leaped. MARK: Wow! TBS: What? MARK: The comma jumped two words! > The girl screamed in fright. TBS: As did that comma, apparently. > Then a dark blur, cloaked in the coming evening's shadows seemed to shoot > out of nowhere and knock the Arcanine away. It yelped in pain as it > smashed, unconscious, into the side of a stone wall so hard it knocked > chunks of rock everywhere. EON : Wa-tak. MARK: That's what it gets for scaring commas. TIFF: Huh. Must be some wild new grammar-check program. > The Fire Trainer screamed and fell backwards as a piece of stone shrapnel > shot into his eye splattering blood everywhere. ICE: It's the injury-to-the-eye motif! EON: Frederic Wertham, call your office. > On his hands and knees, he looked up to see a tall menacing figure > in a long black cloak standing in front of the plant girl. SAMAS : My GOD! Sephiroth! MARK : *Why* does everyone keep *saying* that? > Its face was hidden in the shadows of the > hood, golden eyes visible as they glowed in the dark. SAMAS : No, check that. Ringwraith! MARK : Oh, now, *come on*! > "A-A Master!" the ratty man screamed in fright when he spotted the cloak. > "H-Help!" With that last cry, he fell unconscious from the trauma of his > ravaged eye. EON: Just like that, huh? MARK: I *swear* I've seen that about a thousand different times at the movies. TIFF: During what? An argument with the manager? TBS : So I'll just, umm... die then. Right! > Several unattached League Fire Trainers ICE: We'd rather not hear about these Leaguers' social lives, Ace. > came running towards his call and surrounded them in a three-point > triangle formation. MARK: As opposed to a three-point *hexagon* formation, I guess. TBS: League Fire Trainers gotta be precise. > "Another Master?" one of the newcomers said, a pretty woman with medium > length blonde hair and dressed in a red dress with a logo of the league > symbol wrapped in fire on her chest. TBS: Again, the only identifying marks are hair and clothes. This is starting to feel like a Marrissa fic. TIFF: Thanks for providing the picture of Marrissa in a snug and billowing tunic. We really needed that. > Behind her stood a Charmeleon, > puffing out small clouds of smoke in anticipation of a battle. ICE: Or it could just be enjoying a joint. > Its red lizard eyes watched menacingly. "But I thought they only had > one in their group, and a Grass Master at that!" EON : Why... It's a SWERVE! TBS, ICE: Heh. She said GRASS master. Heh heh. > The black-cloaked figure turned slightly to observe them. > > "But I don't know of an element that corresponds to that colour," > another of the newcomers said, puzzled. MARK : I missed that lesson in my League Minion class. > It was an older man also dressed in the > red uniform of the Fire division of the Pokemon League. ICE: Does he live in the house that Jack built? TBS: Along with Sydney Carton, yes. > "Who cares," said the last of the other trainers to arrive. It was > a tall handsome man with blonde hair and blue eyes. EON: So it's either the Radical or Mike Moran. MARK: Or any generic Square character. > "I always wanted to fight a real Pokemon Master. Masters are highly > over-rated in my opinion," he said, winking at the woman Fire Trainer > as he threw a poke-ball at his feet. "Let's take him, Belle! Go Magmar!" TIFF: League Mook Powers, *combine*! MARK : Boot to the head. > The poke-ball opened and a flash of red light expanded to form a large > bipedal lizard-like fire pokemon with a spiky back and horns of flame. It > hissed. "Mag-mar!" EON: That duck is EN FUEGO! > The black-cloaked Master snapped his fingers and a little black pokemon > jumped out from the pack strapped to his back. MARK : GUNDAMMMMM! [snaps fingers] > It landed on all fours by > his feet with its jagged tail in the air. "Sorry about this, but I have > to finish you all quick," he said, his voice low and dangerous. EON : The way I like it. TIFF: Does Ash's voice have plenty of lip and tongue action? TBS: Ask Misty. [ICE rimshots.] > "Pikachu, Dark Shock. Rapid Fire - now." TIFF : My soul burns! My power... has awakened! > The arrogant Fire Trainer sneered. "That's not a Pikachu, you fool! MARK : That's my wife! BADABOOM! > Pikachu's aren't black-yee-arghhhh!" he gurgled and fell over as a thin > bolt of black lightning shot into his chest and through his heart. TIFF : Err... then again... MARK : Holy heart attacks, Batman! TBS : Shot through the heart, and you're to blame / Darlin', you give Pokemon a bad name... > The 'pikachu' began to fire more bolts all around itself from its jagged > tail. ALL: GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE AGAINST LEAGUE MOOKS! > The Magmar roared at the dispatching of its trainer and began to charge > them, but two dark shocks shot into its eyes, and its head exploded in a > hail of fire. TBS: Yes, yes, *ZAP*, we get it, Ace... NEXT! MARK: You know, I've been thinking... After seeing all the outrageous violence that has occurred up until now, I must raise the question: is this really a good thing for children to be watching? [ALL stare blankly at MARK.] ICE: So, umm, who said this was for children? MARK: Well, it is Pokemon, isn't it? TIFF: What's your point? Not like they're going to actually be *seeing* any of this junk. [TBS glances at MARK.] TBS: Yeah, this stuff is plain wrong. But, because you don't seem to have a good solid basis for bringing this up all of the sudden, and because we just don't give a shit in the first place, would you care to enlighten us on why you mentioned it? [MARK shoots a look over his shoulder.] MARK: Well, *them*, for one thing... [ALL look back, just in time to catch A.o.D. attempting to herd a group of eight-year-olds as quietly as possible out the side theater exit. The children are quite visibly shaken.] AoD : It shall never attempt to bring Its substitute elementary class here for a surprise field trip ever again. Pity, though. Such a varied educational experience... [runs out] ALL: ... > The body walked around drunkenly for a few seconds before > it decided it was dead and fell over, its tail twitching before the fire > on its tip winked out. TIFF: Walking around like a headless... not a chicken, but the next best thing. SAMAS: Headless Farfetch'd? Headless Spearow? Headless Pidgey? TBS: Headless Pigeoner? Eww. > "Dive!" Belle, the woman fire trainer shouted and leapt to the ground, > but not before a bolt hit the ground by her feet and she was flung back > like a rag-doll to land unconscious several metres away. TIFF : Look out for squibs!!--- AHHHH! ICE: Does this remind anyone else of the last fifty pages of _Firestarter_? > Her charmeleon was not so fortunate as it was struck in the tail, the > whole length of it blown clean off at the base not even leaving a stump. EON: So...now it looked like a velociraptor then? > It blinked a few times, shocked at the loss of its tail before it toppled > over, dead. MARK: Hold on. It died from the loss of a *tail*? TBS: Logic, Mark. MARK: No, man. This is just *wrong*. Tails are used for balance, or, in most lizard's cases, as a disposable get-away. They do not--I repeat, *NOT* - contain vital organs that, if lost, would cause death. Nor, for that matter, if it died from electrocution, be able to blink at the lost tail before dying... aw, man, I'm getting a headache now. TBS: Let it go, Mark. You don't want it to get worse. SAMAS