DISCLAIMER: Most of the characters in this fic are copyright Takahashi-san and the various companies that own the rights to Ranma 1/2. Don't sue, we're broke. MST3K is copyright Best Brains Inc. Don't sue, we're still broke. Other anime mentioned in this fic are copyright to their respective creators. Don't sue, we're broke, what with all these people we're not being sued by. Ukchan, Eslington, Roz and Clefo are copyright to themselves. Don't sue, we're all fairly sure we belong to ourselves. ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: The fanfic "Ranma and Ukyou write a fanfic" was written by Mike Rhea and we do not intend to imply any insult to this author. Neither do we imply that he is a strange little man with the IQ of a three year old and spam for brains. Nuh-uh. We ain't implying that at all. *** "I love you... Ukyou." "And I love you... Ryouga." The couple kissed, their hearts soared and a plot line ended. And everyone lived happily ever after... ...Okay, that's a bit of a fib actually. A few people didn't live happily ever after... A bit more than a few actually... To tell the truth, some people were still quite cheesed off with how things had turned out. In particular, one person was quite disappointed with the ending. "NOOO!" cried Akari, weeping as she ran from the loving couple. "Ryouga-kun kissed that cross-dressing chef! He doesn't love me! WAAAAH!" Akari fell to her knees, her tears running down her face and splashing on the floor. As Akari wept, Katsunishiki, her favourite pig and closest friend lumbered up behind her and placed a reassuring trotter on her shoulder. "Oink," said Katsunishiki sagely. "Oink." Akari turned to look into the eyes of her pet and found herself feeling a little calmer. No less despairing, but calmer at least. "He left me... For that girl with the spatula," said Akari. "It's not fair... It's just not fair, darn it!" The pig nodded and oinked comfortingly. "She's stronger than me... Do you think that's why Ryouga-kun left me for her?" The pig shrugged; having little comprehension of human psychology, it could hardly understand. "I'm weak..." said Akari, looking down at her hands. Hands that tended to the needs of her pigs back on the Unryuu farm. Hands she had written to Ryouga with. Hands she used to wipe her tears away... But not the hands of a warrior. Akari stood up, the faintest hints of a battle aura surrounding her. "Well no more. From this day forth, the world shall see a new Unryuu Akari. A strong Unryuu Akari! THEN we'll see who's weak." The young pig farmer walked around to Katsunishiki's back and climbed on. "To the farm, Katsunishiki. We must prepare for tomorrow night." Katsunishiki paused for a second, having suddenly experienced the feeling that he should be saying something as a response at this point. Dismissing it with a shrug, he lumbered off, carrying his mistress upon his back. In the distance, thunder rumbled ominously, as it is wont to do at this sorta moment. *** Eslington leaned back in his chair, smiling smugly at his latest fanfic creation, which would soon be regarded as a masterpiece by all who saw it. "'Akane succeeds in seducing both Tarou and Mikado, Ukyou marries Ryouga and Nabiki, Gosunkugi starts dating Shampoo, Kodachi, Tsubasa and Natsume, and in the final scene, Ranma, Kunou, Azusa and Konatsu are crushed by a meteor,'" summarised Eslington to himself. "Truly this is the most WAFFish fic I've ever written. I just hope I get C&C for this one..." The young author's attention was drawn away from his computer as the doorbell rang. "Oh my, who could that be?" he said to himself as he stood up and walked to the door. "Who is it?" he called. "Okonomiyaki delivery!" came the reply. "Hmm..." said Eslington, scratching his head. "I don't remember ordering any Japanese food... Or even the existence of any Japanese restaurants around here... Or a singe solitary soul in this green and pleasant land who knew what okonomiyaki was... Eh, what the heck." Eslington opened the door and was confronted by a very large pig standing on his doorstep. "..." said Eslington. "I have a feeling this isn't going to involve food to any great extent." The pig lunged forward and struck the young lad across the face, knocking him to the floor. "Thought not," said Eslington as his world went dark. *** A young man in his mid-teens sat at his computer typing a fanfic while listening to the radio. "Hmmm," he hmmmed to himself. "I can't think of a creative way to bring them together!" Then a song ended on the radio and a DJ so low key he takes Quaaludes to WAKE UP came on the air. "Now we have a request from a girl who has this message: You, the guy typing at the computer. Look out the window. Now she requested 'Louie Louie' by The Kingsmen..." The young man named Clefo looked out his window to see a girl atop a very large pig. "Okonomiyaki delivery!" she called through the glass. Now Clefo was not so dumb to let a complete stranger in. "What is the password?" Clefo asked the girl. She tapped her forehead and answered. "What?" "Ok, you got the password, come in," Clefo told her. The girl smiled evilly and spoke, "You fool. Now you will come with me." Clefo scratched his head and felt a sensation that could be described as seeing his window and the surrounding wall smashed to pieces and the force of a heck of a lot of pork impacting upon him. "Ouch," Clefo said feebly as he was carried away by the monstrous pig. *** Roz was idly typing away at her computer, trying to finish the next chapter of her wonderfully amazing story that her adoring fans- wait. She doesn't write stories... Roz was idly reading away at some romantic fanfiction when there was a knock at the door. "Okonomiyaki Delivery!" a voice shouted. "Go away Akari, I know it's you. I already got a call from the police...they told us to be on a look out for a sickeningly sweet lover of Ryouga." "Aw, the hell with it. Go Katsunishiki!" and with that Akari and her pig made a Shampoo-worthy entrance, complete with exploding doors and potentially dangerous debris. "Um...right. I'll go peacefully, if you don't mind." Roz, the ever wimpy, replied. "No such luck girl!" said Akari in a low, raspy, dangerous voice before asking, "Do you have any cough drops?" Roz could only shake her head before she fainted from...well...the giant pig sitting on her head sounds about right. *** In a college dorm room in the icy cold northern reaches of Vermont, one last victim sat unknowing of her fate. Ukchan rummaged through her bag of Prismacolors for that one pencil that she could never seem to find. "Damn it, where's that stupid dark green? How am I supposed to color Matoko's bandanna when I can't find the damn color?" She grumbled some more and finally dumped the entire mess onto her bed. Wincing as she imagined just how many of the soft leads she just shattered, she sifted through the colors for the elusive pencil. "Found it!" She held up the pencil in triumph. As she started putting the rest back in the bag, someone knocked on her door. A muffled voice called from the other side. "Okonomiyaki delivery!" Ukchan rolled her eyes. "Isn't that supposed to be my line, Slick?" Vaulting over the propped up bed, she headed to the door and opened it. Her eyes went wide with surprise. "Oh my..." "Not only do you put my Ryouga-sama with that hussy, but they have CHILDREN?! Katsunishiki, sic her!" The last thing Ukchan saw was a large piggy hoof and Akari's demented grin before everything went black. *** All four were supporters of the Ryouga and Ukyou pairing, all four were captured by Akari and all four of them were pretty annoyed by what had happened. None of them however, were prepared for the terrible horrors that awaited them in what came to be known as: *** *EVIL QUEEN UNRYUU AKARI'S TERRIBLE OTAKU REVENGE* By Eslington, Clefo, Roz and Ukchan. Episode one: Captured! The dual terror of Akari and Rhea! *** High above the earth orbited a satellite. It was large, matte black and built to resemble what a pig might look like if it were 50 metres long and designed to operate in a vacuum environment. On board were four people, neatly laid out on futons in a large central room. The first person, a young lad in his late teens with long brown hair and greyish-green eyes, groaned and sat up. "Ow... My head hurts. The last thing I remember was being attacked by a giant pig and then..." the lad paused and looked around the room. "That's odd... I don't remember owning a futon..." A second person, a woman in her early twenties with hazel eyes and shoulder length brown hair (tied in a ponytail) sat up. "The last thing I remember... I was drawing a picture of Matoko and..." "Ukchan?" asked the man. "Yes?" replied the woman as she turned to look at the man. "Eslington? What are you doing in America?" "This is America?" asked Eslington, puzzled. "Looks more like something out of a cheap science fiction film." Ukchan frowned. "You're probably right. I'm fairly sure America isn't THIS unrealistic." There was a groan and a third figure, a blonde lad with blue eyes sat up. "The last thing I remember..." said the lad. "Is saying 'The last thing I remember...' to myself." Eslington and Ukchan sweatdropped. "Clefo, right?" asked Eslington, stepping over to the lad's futon. Clefo responded with a nod. "I'm sensing a pattern here," said Ukchan, as another figure made her prescence known by sitting up groggily. "The last thing I remember... Was being in a jacuzzi with Kunou and..." The figure blinked as she returned to lucidity. "Oh yeah, it was just that dream again." Ukchan sighed. "Anyone else in here?" The figure stood up, revealing herself to be a brown-eyed girl in her late teens, with straight black hair. "Who are you?" asked Clefo. "Roz," answered the girl. "I'm guessing that you're other people from Chorus, right?" "Yeah," answered Eslington. "I'm Eslington, he's Clefo and she's Ukchan." "Okay," said Ukchan. "Now we all know who we are, we should try to work out where we are." "Well, juding by the high-tech equipment strewn about the room," said Eslington, "and the window over there showing a view of deep space... It can only mean one thing." The other three people gasped. "You mean..." said Clefo. "Yes," said Eslington grimly. "We are trapped... IN A TREKKIE'S LIVING ROOM!" Absolute silence followed this statement. Roz broke the silence. "Are you sure?" "Well... no," answered Eslington. "But it's the best guess we've got." The group took the opportunity to look around the room. It was roughly eight metres by six metres with grey metal walls and a black lineouleum-type substance covering the floor. Against each of the two longer walls was a small desk with a computer on it and on either side of both of the desks were two doors. On one of the shorter walls was a large rectangular monitor, currently showing a view of the space outside the satellite. Opposite this screen was a door. There was nothing very special about the appearance of this door; it was a simple set of pieces of metal that could easily be seen on a common elevator; it even had a small panel displaying the numbers five to one on it. There was a certain air of menace about it. "I've got a bad feeling about this," said Clefo, "I bet that something terrible is going to turn up from behind those doors." On cue, an image flipped onto the monitor and the speakers on either side crackled to life. "So my victims, you're awake." The attention of all four victims was drawn to the monitor, upon which was shown the image of a woman. Definitely a woman. The low cut on her night black dress confirmed this. The dress itself ran all the way down to her feet and trailed on the floor behind her. It had little pigs sewn into it in silver thread. The woman herself had long brown hair which cascaded down her shoulders, much like a tidal wave cascades over expensive waterfront property. She had brown eyes and a cruel sneer on her lips. Atop her head she wore a crown made of night-black metal, with yellow gemstones set around it. Truly this woman was a terror to behold. If one were to change the new outfit, the cruel sneer and terribly dangerous mindset of this woman, one would see that this clearly tormented woman was none other than- "Whatshername," said Roz. "I think I saw her in one of those post-apocalyptic animes..." "No," said Clefo. "It's probably one of the sailor scouts imitating queen Beryl." "My money's on an alternate version of Eslington from another dimension," suggested Ukchan. "Hmph. I think it looks more like that lass from Suikoden." "The anime or the game?" asked Ukchan. "Enough!" cried the woman, silencing the four protagonists. "I'm Akari, you idiots!" "..." said the four in unison. "Really?" asked Ukchan. "I don't remember you being so hostile." "That was the old me," said Akari quietly. Then, at a greater volume, she said "But now I have changed. No longer am I the weak girl known as Unryuu Akari, who lost her one true love to the bitch-chef Kounji. I am now..." Akari paused for full effect. "EVIL QUEEN AKARI!" "You lost Ryouga to Ukyou?" asked Eslington. "Great!" said Ukchan. "That's what we wanted to see." And there was much rejoicing. "SILENCE!" screamed the queen. The rejoicing stopped, and the queen continued. "Anyway, now that my life has been torn apart, I have decided to work off my excess aggression on those that opposed to my relationship with Ryouga, starting with you four." "Why us?" asked Clefo. "Why not?" responded Akari. "Anyway, to help me get my revenge I have enlisted the help of my new husband, who is a master of vengeance!" "Gasp!" gasped the four victims in unison. "You don't mean..." "Yes!" replied Akari. "Meet the master of vengeance, Kakkoii King Pantyhose!" A muscular arm curled around Akari's shoulders as Tarou stepped up beside her and kissed the young queen on the cheek. "Darling, I thought I asked you not to call me that." "Sorry Tarou-kun," said Akari with a smile. "But I can't help being evil, can I?" "You married Tarou?" asked Ukchan. "Why?" "He's the only other man to beat Katsunishiki of course," Akari sighed dreamishly. "How I remember that defeat... It was a warm summer's day, and Katsunishiki and I were out subjugating the population of a small valley, when I set my-" "Wait a second," interrupted Roz. "How long is this story going to last?" "About twenty minutes," answered Akari. "Then don't tell it," said Roz. "I don't like long and boring stories created by idiots with little or no skill in writing." "Well," smirked Tarou. "You're certainly not going to like your stay here then." "Why not?" asked Eslington. "Simple really," said Tarou. "As writers of fanfiction, the best way to torture you will be to force you to read bad fanfiction. Which is exactly what we intend to do." "But I'm not really a writer!" said Roz. "Don't split hairs with me, girl," said Tarou. "Anyway," said Akari. "To start your eternal torment, you will read 'Ranma and Ucchan write a fanfic' by Mike Rhea, an author who believes that Ranma and Ukyou were made for each other." "Ack! No! I won't read that!" shouted Clefo. "We don't have to read it if we don't want to!" "Oh, but you do, for a very simple reason..." There was a pulse of light in the corner of the main room of the satellite and, slowly, surrounded by a glimmering curtain of blue light, the bulky form of Katsunishiki appeared. "In a few minutes an alarm will sound," said Akari. "You shall go through the doors behind you and read the fanfic shown there. And if you don't, Katsunishiki will demonstrate his finely honed skills upon your puny bodies." "..." said the victims. "Well, there's no time like the present, is there Tarou-kun?" asked Akari. "Let 'er rip!" Tarou nodded and pressed a button on the wall beside him. Inside the satellite, a loud alarm started blaring and the lights above the door flashed. "Oh no!" cried Clefo. "We've got fanfic sign!" "Hmm," hmmed Ukchan. "Bad faction... or honourable suicide..." Eslington shrugged. "We can always kill ourselves later, let's just go in." The four turned and walked boldly towards the door. *** Door 5 A metal door, similar to one which you may find on an elevator. It slides open as you approach it. Door 4 A solid brick wall. You press the conveniently marked brick and it rises up to let you through. Door 3 A pair of western saloon doors. They clatter noisily as you pass through. Door 2 A paper wall made of recycled sailor moon fanfics. You gladly tear it apart. Door 1 A solid steel bank vault door that swings outwards to let you into the theatre. *** [The victims walk into a theatre with five chairs in front of the screen. They sit down, with Roz sitting on the chair at the left end and Clefo, Ukchan and Eslington sitting progressively to her right] Eslington: At least we get to sit down... > DISCLAIMER:None of these characters are mine,and no illegal profit is > intended. Eslington: The T-Shirts ($5.99, order now!) were only an accident, really. Ukchan: You mean this guy actually thought he could profit from this? *Falls out of her seat laughing* > This fic is loosely based on Brian-kun's "Happousai and Cologne > write a fanfic" and other clones of it.Though this fic is rated PG-13 for > a mild love scene and some innuendo at the end,this is NOT a lemon;but > this fic IS post volume 38. > > Ranma and Ukyou Write a Fanfic(A Ranma 1/2 fanfic),by Mike Rhea > > Ranma entered Ucchan's Okonomiyaki with a bandage on his head,the result > of being malleted in to the sky courtesy of Akane Airlines Clefo: Which, if you get 50,000,000,000 Frequent Flyer Miles, lets you get whammed harder! Roz: I'm wondering, why does he even bother with the bandages? They wouldn't help any; mallet strikes are proven only to severely bruise or disfigure a martial artist, never actually draw blood. Ukchan: *Gets back in her seat* Maybe it's for the sympathy angle. > after taunting > P-chan in front of the "uncute fiancee."As he walked into the restaurant, > he grumbled to himself "I thought he only loved Akari!" Clefo: *Takes out a notepad and grumbles something about sacrilege* Roz: HERETIC! You shall forever burn in infamy! [Whispers] Note to self: Spend less time reading Kunou fics. Ukchan: Hasn't Ranma known about Ryouga's obsession with Akane since, oh, his appearance in Nerima? > Ukyou then saw him and asked "Another fight with Akane,Ran-chan?" > > Ranma replied "Ryouga is just like Kunou!He can't choose between 2 > girls!" Eslington: Ah, how I yearn for the love of both Akane and the pig-crazed girl. But tragically my heart cannot decide, for my love is always thwarted by the foul pervert Saotome! Clefo: *Writing Notes* Heh. Wait till she sees this. Roz: *Looking over Clefo's shoulder* Ohh! *Chuckles nefariously* You're bad! > "Well,Tsubasa showed up again;and since business has been slow,I set him > and Konatsu up so I would be rid of them both for at least a while.Ever > written a fanfic before,Ran-chan?" Clefo: Yes, I have. Roz: She wasn't talking to YOU, moron. Clefo: *Deranged Look* Yes she is! *Takes more notes* Ukchan: Wait... she sent Tsubasa and Konatsu up where? > "Nope.Have you,Ucchan?" Roz: Of course I have! Where do you think all those lemon fics starring you and me together come from? > "Ditto here.Let's try it!" Clefo: *Puts away Notepad in his seat* I smell Lemon. I'm hungry. > "Good idea!"replied Ranma as he and Ukyou(along with a couple of heart- > shaped okonomiyakis) headed for the computer and began writing the > fanfic. Eslington: Unfortunately the okonomiyaki, lacking any fine manipulators, failed to write anything intelligible and just got a lot of sauce on the keyboard. Ukchan: *Chuckles* > ************************************************************************* > > Ryouga and Akane were walking along a beach when Akane asked Ryouga > "Ryouga-kun,isn't this Kamakura?" > > Ryouga replied "That's strange,Akane.I swore we were just a block away > from the Tendou Doujou." Clefo: Well to most a second can be a few YEARS! Ukchan: Well, this is Ryouga we're talking about here... > Suddenly,out of no where,a tanned lady in a space-suit with light-yellow > hair emerged: Clefo: IT'S KAITHE LEE GIFFORD! RUN! Roz: No it isn't! It's Hillary Clinton! > "Ohayoo!I'm Mihoshi of the Galaxy Patrol.I crashed my > spaceship about a kilometer from here,but I forgot where exactly.Can you > please help me find it?" > > Akane replied "Ryouga and I can help you find it!" Clefo: That's irony, right? > "Thanks in advance!" replied Mihoshi as she accompanied Akane and Ryouga > to search for her crashed spaceship. > > The next day... > > "Ryouga,this isn't Lake Biwa,isn't it?" inquired a concerned Akane? > > "Damn,I knew I shoul've turned right at Mount Fuji!" replied Ryouga. Clefo: Nah, you took the left at ALBUQUERQUE. Ukchan: "Curse you, Ranma, this is all your fault!" > Mihoshi then added "Hey,guys,look at this weird duck!" Clefo: Donald! Put some pants on! Roz: Later, Donald was arrested on charges of indecent exposure in a movie theatre, similar to the predicament of another television star, Pee Wee Herman. > Ryouga and Akane turned around and noticed the odd duck,who replied > "Psyduck." Eslington: Another crossover? Will this have any relevance to the story? Clefo: Oh my god! It's a Psychotic Duck Ukchan: *Twitches* Pokémon... must kill Pokémon... Clefo: *Moves away from Ukchan* > Akane asked the duck "What's your name?" Clefo: Jimmy Hoffa. I fell into the "Spring of Drowned Psychotic Duck." > The duck replied "Psyduck." > > "Are you lost?" Roz: Of course not! Me, lost? Hey...I didn't know downtown Tokyo had an Icelandic ward. Clefo: Try Harry Christner. Ukchan: *Still twitching, now reaching for a sharp object to throw at the screen* Must kill... Eslington: It could be worse, Ukchan. At least Ash hasn't shown up yet. > "Psyduck." > > "Where are your parents?" Clefo: That meanie talk show host PUT THEM IN A SWEATSHOP! > "Psyduck." > > Ryouga replied "I think he's an orphan." Clefo: Escaping the Sweatshop, brave Jimmy rejoined the mob as a duck! Ukchan: Good, less of them for me kill... *Still looking for a sharp object* > "You may be right,Ryouga!"returned Akane."Let's adopt him!" > > "Why not?" added Mihoshi. Eslington: Perhaps because he's the most infuriating pokémon in the series... Clefo: Mob men are dangerous! > Akane picked up Psyduck and carried him as they along with Ryouga and > Mihoshi left the Lake Biwa area,heading west. Clefo: o/~ Everything you know is wrong! Like East is West and short is long o/~ Roz: And they know it's west how? Because of Ryouga's superior sense of direction? Or because his travelling companions are, respectively, an alien and a hammer happy tomboy? Ukchan: Exactly. > Two days later... Eslington: Our protagonists got lost in the desert and died of thirst, ending this fic. Roz: If only... Ukchan: [Hopefully] Maybe just the Psyduck? Clefo: No, some evil bitch holding us hostage dies of heart attack. Akari: [Over Speaker] I heard that. > "Is it just me,or are these signs in some space language?" inquired > Mihoshi. Clefo: I must have written that sign. Only MY language is from space! Eslington: Let's hope it's a language that uses more spaces than Mike's... > "Psyduck." said Psyduck. > > "Ryouga-kun,I don't think we're in Japan anymore" said Akane. Eslington: There's gotta be a wizard of Oz joke in here somewhere... Clefo: I smell Munchkins. Eslington: Nah. There's no avataring in this fic so it's doubtful. Roz: Ehem. o/~ We represent the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild... o/~ > "That's strange.These signs are obviously in kanji." replied Ryouga. Clefo: Remember folks, Squiggly lines never lie! Roz: o/~ ...and in the name of, the lollipop guild... o/~ Ukchan: *Resists the urge to join Roz in song* > "But Ryouga,these may be Chinese signs.Because many of these signs are > inscribed in a second language that obviously isn't English.Because no > one here appears to speak Japanese.Besides,the architecture seems a bit > Mediterranean to me. Clefo: You're in Greece, folks! I figured that out on my own! Ukchan: When did Akane become so knowledgeable in architecture anyway? Clefo: Good question.... > Wait a minute,Ryouga.That couple > headed for what appears to be a floating casino may be Japanese tourists. Clefo: The Greek Floating Casino: Hit the jackpot, but you can't take it home! > Why don't we go ask them?" > > Ryouga caught up with the 2 Japanese tourists(one who was a lady wearing > a "piyo-piyo" sweater and the other a young man/college graduate in his > 20's) Eslington: Sounds oddly familiar... Ukchan: Excuse my ignorance... a what sweater? Eslington: Isn't the piyo-piyo thing normally on Kyoko's apron? > and asked them "Where is Nerima?" > > The guy replied "A long way from here." > > "Where are we?" Clefo: Greece. > The lady replied "We're in Macau.It's a tourist resort just southwest of > Hong Kong. Clefo: I was wrong. *Mumbles* Roz: *Comforting Clefo* Now Clefo, accidents do happen... Clefo: Yeah, like the time I got an F in Math and I "accidently" threw my report card away. > Currently Portugal's lone remaining overseas posession,it will > be handed over to China in 6 months. Eslington: How do you know so much about geography? Ukchan: Oh you have to know these things when you're an apartment manager, you know... > It'll take a while before you get > back to Tokyo,but would you like to go gambling with me and Godai?" Clefo: No thanks, we suck at gambling ever since I bet Little Herman's Appendix in a poker game. *Sobs* Roz: Oh my! Poor little Herman. > "Thanks,whoever you are,but my friends and I aren't old enough.Besides, Clefo: Herman is in our Hearts and Appendixes. Ukchan: *Blinks* What are you guys talking about? Clefo: I'm not sure myself. Haha. > we don't have that much yen,anyway." > > "Oh,well.BTW the name's Kyooko Otonashi." Roz: And I know this girl who will lend you some yen...for a price, that is. Eslington: The name's Kyoko. Otonashi Kyoko. Clefo: Professional Apartment Manager Chick. Roz: Licensed to clean. All: *Hum the James Bond theme tune* > "Ryouga Hibiki,and these are my friends,Akane Tendou,Mihoshi,and > Psyduck." Clefo: Also Known as "P-chan", "Uncute Fiance", "Kaithe Lee" and "Jimmy Hoffa". Roz: Listen Jimmy, I got this little problem with my ex-boyfriend. I was wondering if you could, ya know, take care of him for me? Ukchan: *Goes back to searching for a sharp object with which to kill Psyduck* Clefo: *Ducks under his seat again* > "Nice to meet you all.Good luck trying to get back to Japan." said Kyooko > as she and Godai headed for the floating casino. > > Akane,Ryouga,Mihoshi,and Psyduck then walked away from the floating > casino and began heading back in Japan,only to be still stuck in Macau > just 3 days later. > > THE END Eslington: Huzzah! Ukchan: *Stops her search* No more annoying Pokémon! >(of Ranma's and Ukyou's fanfic) Clefo: Oh god no! THERE'S MORE? F*** #$*&#*($&#*($&#*(&$#(*$ Roz: [Trembling voice] o/~ When you walk, through a storm, keep your head up high. And don't be afraid of the dark...o/~ Ukchan: More singing? That's it, I'm leaving. *Just as she is about to stand up, steel bands shoot from slots in the side of her seat and clamp her in place* What the- Akari: [Through a speaker in the corner] Please remain seated until the fanfic has come to a complete stop. Ukchan: Damn. > ************************************************************************* > > When they finished writing their fanfic,it was about 10 minutes until > closing time. Clefo: o/~ I know who I want to take me home... o/~ Eslington: o/~ And it's partner found and it's partner lost... o/~ Roz: o/~ At the end of the storm is a golden sky...o/~ Ukchan: *Struggles with her bonds* > Then,Nabiki entered the restaurant just fresh from the one- > hour photo shop. Roz: Nabiki carefully wiped the lipstick marks off of her face before saying "Well, its official! We're naming the baby Tatewaki Jr.!" Clefo: What would a Ranma fic be without the Paparazzi mercenary? > Ranma and Ukyou initially feared the worst,but when > Nabiki pulled out the first set of photos,Ukyou ended up rather pleased: > There were 10 8x10 pics of Tsubasa and Konatsu:arms linked and lips > linked. Clefo: OH MY GOD! *Barfs on the floor* Eslington: *Raises an eyebrow* Odd, I thought Tsubasa was hetero... Roz: Hm... Not such a bad couple. If you disregard every aspect of their personality, it just might work! Ukchan: And then Tsubasa and Konatsu realize that the other is a guy... > Ukyou's efforts to rid herself of her 2 cross-dressing stalkers > had paid off. Clefo: Like THAT? PLEASE! THAT'S DISTURBING!! Eslington: You've never read the fic where Tsubasa marries Cologne have you? Clefo: ... *Throws up again* Eslington: Geez, I was kidding. Roz: You do realise that now someone will write one though. Eslington: ... Whoops... Ukchan: *Twitches and lifts her feet up off the floor* I'm not cleaning that mess up... Clefo: [Nauseous] This is bad. Eslington: It could be worse. YOU could be dating Tsubasa. Clefo: *Throws up again* Roz: Ew... > "Ranma,"said Nabiki."This next set of pictures will confirm your > suspicions about Akane's true knowledge of Ryouga's little secret. Clefo: You mean that *GASP* HE BET HERMAN'S APPENDIX? Roz: No, the other secret. You know, that Ryouga is really a girl? I just knew my little sister liked "him" for a reason! Ukchan: No wonder she keeps splashing me with cold water... Eslington: And grabbing my breasts... Roz: And walking in on me in the bath... Clefo: ... You don't think... Others: ... Eslington: Nah. It's been shown that she loves Ranma quite a lot. Roz: Ranma being the only regular character who turns into a girl. Others: ... > "Nabiki > then took out the second set of scandalous photos.Right before him,Ranma > saw it all:15 8x10 pics of Ryouga,Akane,and Akari together in the > bathtub,all 3 of them completely naked and all 3 of them making > passionate love to each other. Eslington: Oh my. *Develops a nosebleed* Clefo: *Covers Eyes* I'm either gonna be sick or wistful. Maybe both. Roz: MY EYES! MY EYES! *Takes another look at the photo* Wow...Ryouga is certainly... well endowed... *Giggles* Ukchan: O.O ... Oh my... > "Akane didn't even react negatively when > she dipped P-chan into the hot tub and witnessed his transformation into > Ryouga." Eslington: She did react badly when she noticed I was hiding behind the towel rack... Clefo: Akari didn't seem to mind though, considering she invited me to join her... Eslington: Akane cheered up when Shampoo asked to join though... Roz: And they all seemed quite pleased when Mousse turned up... Clefo: With Kodachi... Eslington: And her friend Naga... Roz: And her friend Hotohori... Ukchan: You people need help. Clefo: And Ryoko... Eslington: And Urd... Roz: And Kojiro... *Fade out* [Five hours later...] *Fade in* Ukchan: *Slumped in her seat, snoring* Roz: And Xellos... Clefo: And Lum... Eslington: And... What were we talking about again? Akari: (From a speaker in the corner) THE FIC! Ukchan: *Wakes up* Heh? Wha? Roz: Whoops! Guess we got a little side-tracked... Clefo: I guess we couldn't help it, what with that scene with Akane, Ryouga, Akari, Nabiki, Shampoo, Mousse... Ukchan: *Groans and goes back to sleep* *Fade Out* [A bit less than five hours later...] *Fade in* Clefo: ...Sayoko, Xellos, Lum and... Oh yeah! The fic! Roz: [To Eslington] You're writing this down? Eslington: It's too good to miss... Ukchan: *Wakes up again* What'd I miss? Roz: You didn't miss any of the fic, if that's what you mean. Ukchan: Rats... > "How did Pops react when he saw this,if at all?"inquired Ranma Clefo: If he joined in I am gonna kill someone. Ukchan: GENMA! What are you doing?! Roz: Hot-bisexual-orgy-in-a-bathtub-fu training, of course. > "Not only did both your dad and my dad accidentally walked in on them and > witness this orgy,they are also in shock and denial over your fiancee's > infidelity." Clefo: Thank GOD! > "Make that EX-fiancee!" Eslington: The X-Fiancees! Roz: Featuring Akane as Storm, Ukyou as Rogue and Shampoo as Jubilee! Ukchan: Aiyah! Evil magnet man steal Shampoo's bonbori! Clefo: And you all say I need help! > "These 25 pics are all yours for 40,000 yen." > > A smug Ukyou then pulled out 50,000 yen and handed it to Nabiki."SOLD!" > > "Just for that extra yen,"said Nabiki. Eslington: I'm going to act out of character and not squeeze you for every last ounce of wealth you own. > "I have a added bonus.Ranma,close > your eyes" > > Ranma complied,and Nabiki pulled out a small bottle of water labeled > "Nannichuan,"opened it,and poured its contents on Ranma. Eslington: Won't Ranma be surprised when he finds out this is really Heituenniichuan... Roz: This is so amazing! Nabiki not charging Ranma for his masculinity back? Maybe it's not Nabiki at all! *Mimes pulling a mask off someone* It's Mister Tendo from the amusement park! Eslington: Curses! And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you blasted meddling kids! Clefo: -and your damn panda! Ukchan: Jinkies! > This time,Ranma > didn't feel any bodily transformation during or after the time the water > was poured onto him.Nabiki then removed the blindfold from Ranma,and > then handed Ranma a mirror to look at himself.He looked at the mirror and > the empty bottle,and realized that for the first time since that fateful > day in Jusenkyou,he was once again 100% male. Clefo: Congrats, you are cured. Woohoo, go to hell. Ukchan: *Looks over at Clefo* A little bitter are we? Clefo: You would be too if you were trapped in a theatre reading bad stories!! I HATE MY LIFE! Others: ... > "Since I stashed away a bottle for emergencies,Happousai didn't drink it > all after all."said Nabiki. Ukchan: Question. Nabiki didn't extort Ranma and the other Jusenkyo-cursed for this earlier because WHY? Roz: Akane paid me five thousand yen to keep Onna-Ranma around. > "Thank you,Nabiki."said Ranma and Ukyou. > > "You're both welcome."said Nabiki."Gotta head back home now.Thanks for > your business."she said as she smugly left Ucchan's and headed home. > > "Ranchan,go ahead and close up the shop.I'll join you later" Clefo: Lemonsexlemonhentailemonsex. Eslington: Excited, Clefo? Ukchan: *Rolls her eyes* Men... Clefo: Could be worse. Ukchan: Should I ask how? Eslington: Clefo could be dating Tsubasa. Clefo: *Barfs again* Ukchan: Stop that! > said Ukyou as > she headed for her room. > > Ranma complied,and almost as soon as he closed up the restaurant,Ukyou > reemerged,sans tights. Clefo: Ehhhhhhhhhh? Eslington: It means "Without tights" Clefo: Ehhhhhhhhhh? Roz: She wasn't wearing any tights, Clefo. Clefo: Ehhhhhhhhhh? Ukchan: I think we lost him. Clefo: *Wakes Up* Wha.? Others: ... > ***** Music:"I'm Just a Love Machine," by the Miracle ***** Clefo: I... don't know that one. > "Ran-chan,let's go take a bath." Clefo: Ok! Eslington: She's not talking to you. Clefo: (Sulkily) Don't ruin my dreams... > Ukyou untied the sash on her okonomiyaki seller's shirt,and within 4 > seconds(except for her bandolier and giant spatula),was completely naked. Clefo: Nice thought. Ukchan: Hentai. Eslington: Why's she still armed? Is she worried Ranma's going to attack her in the bath? Clefo: Maybe she's planning to do something with those spatulas. Eslington: ... Ukchan: I don't even want to know... > "I'll scrub your back if you scrub mine,Ranma honey." Clefo: Must be pure. Baseball, Cold Showers, Baseball, Cold Showers. > Feeling a sudden twitch in his pants, Eslington: Wait a sec Ucchan, my pager's going off... Roz: Ranma's got that lovin' feelin'! Woah, that lovin' feelin'! Ukchan: *Eyebrow twitches* I think... I'm going to leave now... *Tries once again to remove the straps holding her to the chair* > Ranma quickly undressed and replied > "Anything for you,Ucchan my darling." and accompanied his equally nude > virgin fiancee to the bathroom. Clefo: Nuts :( Eslington: I could make a perverted joke about that, but I won't. Ukchan: Good. > THE END Clefo: Thank all the Christian, Greek, Roman, Shinto, Buddhist, Jewish and Hindu gods! Eslington: Thank Kasumi-sama! Roz: Yeeeehaw! Ukchan: Can we leave now? > Well,this has turned out to be my longest fic to date.For those of you > scared by the Tsubasa/Konatsu matchup Clefo: *COUGH* Ukchan: You are sick, dude. Clefo: Me or the Author? Ukchan: Let me get back to you on that... > and the Ryouga/Akane/Akari > threesome,here are my opinions: > > 1.Tsubasa and Konatsu are not only both gay, Eslington: Presumably by the "Crossdressing equals gay" school of thought. Ukchan: Do we have to sic the GSA on this guy? > they also deserve only each > other.If you haven't read my first fanfic,"Tsubasa plus Konatsu,"why > not? Clefo: Want me to make a list, pal? > 2.Konatsu doesn't deserve Ukyou.Not only is Ryouga more deserving of the > spatula girl than Tsubasa and Konatsu combined(though not as deserving of > her as Ranma is) All: HA! > ;Ryouga and Ukyou would be perfect together is I was > pairing Ranma with Shampoo,Nabiki,Kasumi,or Kodachi;all of whom(in IMHO) > are better bride choices for Ranma than Akane. Eslington: All of them? Roz: More polygamy? Whatever floats you boat, I guess... Ukchan: I don't understand this guy... He writes a fic about Ranma and Ukyou together and then professes that she belongs to Ryouga... What's up with that? > 3.Ryouga deserves both Akari and Akane.It's the only way any of those > 3 will live happily ever after. Eslington: Barring marrying Ukyou? > BTW,I got the idea for the end-of-fic love scene between Ranma and Ukyou > from the love scene between 007 and Melina near the end of "For Your > Eyes Only." Clefo: I don't think I saw that one... I would know. > Though I mainly watch Ranma 1/2,I have occasionally watched > other anime series,such as Pokemon(in which I got Psyduck from) Eslington: Judging by his stance on crossdressing, I'm guessing he's not a rocketshipper... Ukchan: *Twitches at the mention of Pokemon* Clefo: *Gets ready to duck under chair* Ukchan: *Finally breaks down and pulls a "Digimon Forever!" sign out of Signspace (tm)* >,Maison Ikkoku(in which Yusaku Godai and Kyooko Otonashi are from),and > Tenchi Muyou(in which Mihoshi is from). Eslington: If you didn't spot those, where have you been? > If you want to flame me in connection > with this fic,I wouldn't advise it.Besides,if you've read this far,why > are you complaining? Eslington: If anything, we have more of a right to complain. Ukchan: This can't be considered flaming, can it? Eslington: Well this fic was a flamin' waste of time... > This is variation of Brian-kun's "Happousai and Cologne write a fanfic," > which can be found at > http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Shrine/6648/Happosaiandcologne.txt. As with > any fanfic I write,comments concerning this > spamfic Ukchan: Oh, this was a spamfic? Roz: Ah, that explains a lot. Clefo: Yeah. This wasn't a real fanfic then. Ukchan: We should have guessed. I mean, no REAL fic would have a relationship between Ryouga, Akari and Akane. Roz: Or gratuitous references to Maison Ikkoku and Tenchi Muyo. Clefo: Or disappointing lime scenes at the end. Eslington: I'm guessing you haven't read "Okonomiyaki summer" then... > (no flames, please)can be sent to yours truly at > ranma_ukyou@xoommail.com, michaelrhea@hotmail.com, > RanmaandUkyou@excite.com, Yahzu-Nii-Chuan@lycosmail.com,or > sasukesarugakure@altavista.net. Eslington: Five E-mail addresses to flame, who can resist... Ukchan: Bonfire session, anyone? Clefo: o~/Kymbaya my lord, Kymbaya/~o Eslington: I think that's it. Let's see if the door is open... *** Door 1 A solid steel bank vault door that swings outwards to let you out of the theatre. Door 2 A paper wall made of recycled sailor moon fanfics, hastily duct-taped back together. You gladly tear through it again. Door 3 A pair of western saloon doors. They clatter noisily as you pass through. Door 4 An open space, replaced by a brick wall as you pass through. Door 5 A metal door, similar to one which you may find on an elevator. It slides closed As you back away from it. *** Roz sighed with relief as door 5 closed behind her. "I never want to go through that again," she said. "Me neither," said Clefo. "That bit with Konatsu... AGH!" "Too much Pokémon..." muttered Ukchan. "To think that he tried to blame it on Ukyou as well," said Eslington. "She'd never create something so evil." As if cued by the word "evil", Akari appeared on screen again. "Well my little victims," said Akari evilly. "How was that?" "Painful," said Roz. "Oh good," said the queen gleefully. "I'll tell Tarou-kun to dig up a new fanfic for next time." "I hope Tsubasa isn't in the next one," said Clefo. "That bit was just weird..." "That reminds me," said Eslington, pulling a few small pieces of paper from his back pocket. "I created the outline for a fic based on that bathroom scene. I think I'll write it now." "Now this could be interesting..." said Roz. "..." said Clefo, for he was drooling too much to speak. Ukchan merely rolled her eyes. *** --- Bathtime fun. By Eslington. --- *** "Are you sure that's a good title?" asked Roz. "It sounds like something out of a shampoo commercial." "Well can you think of a better title?" asked Eslington. *** --- A red hot bisexual orgy in a bathtub. Need I say more? By Eslington. (Title by Roz) --- *** "..." said Eslington. "Actually that's much better." *** --- As Ryouga kissed her, Akane closed her eyes and felt Akari's hand caress her thigh. When she opened he eyes to look at Ryouga's handsome face, she couldn't help notice some strange bulge behind the one of the towels on the rack. Standing up straight, she held up her fists defensively. "Who's there?" demanded Akane. The towel moved aside to reveal Nabiki, camera in hand. "Nabiki? What are you doing here?" "Ukyou hired me to spy on your little affair with Ryouga and Akari," answered Nabiki. "That... PERVERT!" cried Akane. "Ukyou no baka!" "Calm down Akane-chan," said Akari, as she turned to Nabiki. "So now you know our little secret..." "Yes," said Nabiki, because denying it would be just plain stupid. "Well," said Akari. "I don't suppose you'd like to join us, would you?" --- *** "Isn't Akari a little out of character?" asked Ukchan. "Hey, it's this or forty kilobites of character development," said Eslington. "I think the readers would prefer it if I got to the love scene." "Damn straight," said Clefo. *** --- Nabiki shrugged. "Sure, why not?" she answered. She carefully placed her camera on the shelf and started to take off her shirt. Suddenly, the wall exploded and revealed Shampoo. "Akane!" said Shampoo. "Shampoo discover loophole in ancient amazon law that say I can marry the fiancée of man who defeat me!" "Great!" said Akane. "The more the merrier." Suddenly, the door to the bath slid open, revealing Mousse. "Hold it, Shampoo," said Mousse. "You're not getting into a bathtub with Akane without me!" Shampoo shrugged. "Shampoo no see why not," she then proceeded to tear off Mousse's clothes. Suddenly, there was a laugh from outside and- --- *** "Eslington," said Roz. "Is there actually going to be a love scene before everyone turns up?" "No," answered the author. "Well, then I think you should skip to the love scene, otherwise it's going to be too long." "Okay," said Eslington. *** --- "Wow," said Musashi. "It's a good thing Tendou-san replaced the bathtub with an Olympic-sized swimming pool." "Yeah," said Nabiki. "I thought it'd be a waste of money but I guess I was wrong." They then proceeded to have a large amount of sex in said swimming pool. The End. --- *** "..." said Ukchan. "That's it?" asked Clefo. "Yes," replied Eslington. "What do you think?" "It lacks... detail," said Roz. "Well, I thought it was pretty good for a lime fic," said Eslington. "I thought you said it was a lemon!" said Clefo angrily. "No I didn't," said Eslington. "But aside from that, how was it?" Clefo paused, considering how to answer. He nodded to himself and presented his opinion. *WHAM* "ACK!" cried Eslington as he was punched in the stomach. "What was that for?" "That, was for that fic," replied Clefo, drawing his fist back for another punch. "This is for making me barf in the theatre." *POW* "This is because I'm not standing close enough to Rhea." *CRACK* Clefo fell to the floor as Roz raised the chair she wielded. "Clefo, you shouldn't hit Eslington like that for no good reason." "Thanks, Roz," said Eslington, rubbing his sore stomach. "I- *THWACK!* OW!" "That was for that fic," said Roz as she dropped the chair to the floor. Ukchan rolled her eyes. "That's it, I've had enough for today," she said, turning towards one of the doors. "I'm going to bed. Seeya later." *** Author's Notes: Big thanks to: Mike Rhea, for being such a good sport. Jonatan Streith, for pre-reading and assorted crazyness. Eslington: Well, this was my first MiST. I hope you liked it. Expect to see more fairly soon. Send us lots of C&C, we like getting mail. Ukchan: Don't blame us for any medical conditions which act up on account of this fic. You can't sue us, you won't get a durn thing. ^_^;;; Have a nice day! Clefo: Here is a message for you young people: Don't do drugs, drink beer instead. Roz: No comment. ^_^;;; C&C to Eslington@bigfoot.com *** "Hmm... BTW, I'm going to edit your opening scene... Remove the shotgun, add more pigs jumping through windows, you know, that sorta stuff." -Development chat.