MYSTERY FANFIC THEATER 3000 EPISODE 104: "Sailor Moon Fantasy!" Vol. II: MSTed by Sailor Mac (AmberSesht@aol.com) and Mark Berger (mberger8837@nova.winona.msus.edu) Sailor Moon Fantasy is the property of Crystal Knight and he's more than welcome to it. Just think of this as an elaborate form of C&C. Likewise, "Makoto's Cooking Contest" is the property of Sailor Sleep, and she's also welcome to the fruits of her labors, we're just having a little good-natured fun with it. WARNING: Reading this fanfiction over and over may cause discomfort in certain parts of your body. Your head and your stomach. Best Brains, Inc. and Toei Productions present. . . A Moon and Rose MSTing. . . Mystery Sailor Theater 3,000! MSTing by Sailor Mac and Mark Berger. Love Theme from Mystery Sailor Theater 3,000 In the not-too-distant future, Way down in Deep 13, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank, Were hatching an Evil Scheme. They caught a girl called Sailor Moon, Just a teenage girl who likes to sleep till noon, Their experiment needed a good test case, So they signed up with the Negaverse And shot her into space! (Get me down!) We'll send her cheesy fanfics, The worst we can find (la-la-la) She'll have to sit and read them all, And we'll monitor her mind (la-la-la) Now keep in mind Serena can't control, Where the fanfics begin or end (la-la-la) She'll try to keep her sanity With the help of her Sailor friends! SAILOR ROLL CALL Venus! (We're still here!?) Jupiter! (Forrester you creep!) Mercury! (We'll get out of here) Maaaars! (That's one 'A'!) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe And other science facts (la-la-la) Just repeat to yourself it's just a show, I should really just relax! For Mystery Sailor Theater 3000! <@> (the vault door) <2> (a Star Trek: TNG-style sliding door) <3> (three hanged BattleMechs - a Phoenix Hawk, an Archer and a Rifleman - are printed in bas-relief on the door. Standing beneath them are three mecha - a Super Valkyrie, a Spartan and a Defender) <4> (Four quarter-slices) <5> (The symbols of the Inners' home planets and the Moon are on this door) <6> (The Deep 13 logo on the rear wall of the bridge pod) (Int: Satellite of Love 2 "basement") RAYE: So, Serena - Mike said that the pod would be in a box in the basement marked "Hamdingers?" SERENA: Right. It has to be around here somewhere. AMY (objects fly over her shoulder): Nope. . . Uh-uh. . . This goes right out the airlock. . . Serena, did this come out of *your* room?. . . A suit of CVR-3F body armor, might be useful if it fits one of us. . . What the heck is Hardsuit-Priss doing up here (Lita catches the hardsuit and tries it on. Strangely, it's a perfect fit). . . A can of Hamdingers. . . more socks. . . The duplicates of Tom's underwear collection. . . More cans of Hamdingers. . . MINA: Hey, Amy, I think this armor fits. . . What the heck? Corporal Aino? RAYE: Try not to think too hard about it. LITA (still wearing the Hardsuit): Hey Serena, is this it? SERENA: Hey, it is! DARIEN: I was using it to hang our laundry on. SERENA: Oh, don't repeat jokes from Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie. DARIEN: Sorry, honey. (Serena is half into the pod and Mina is running toward her. Suddenly, Mina trips and her hand lands on the pod launch button) SERENA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! (in surprise, she is unable to do more than look at the pod door descending, then glance at her leg half in the pod and half in the Satellite, imagining what she is surely about to feel: the excruciating pain of flesh and bone being ripped in two) MINA: OH MY GOD! SERENA! RAYE: SERENA!!! (Darien, ever his Princess's protector, looks at the pod, realizes the door is descending too quickly for him to push her fully into the pod and allow her to escape, and pulls her out of harm's way. The door brushes the heel of her shoe. Serena clings to Darien as though he were the only thing still between her and death, and the other Scouts cluster around, hardly caring as their best chance at freedom is jettisoned from the SOL2). AMY: Serena, are you all right? SERENA (pale, sweating - obviously in shock): I. . . I. . . I. . . (she begins sobbing quietly into Darien's shirt) (the Yellow Light starts flashing) AMY: We've got Commercial Sign, Serena. We'll take care of you. . . (Raye hits the Yellow Button) AMY: We're back. (Serena is wrapped in a thick blanket and Darien's arms) DARIEN (softly, to Serena): Serena, it's over now. SERENA (sniffling): I know, Darien. I was just scared. FORRESTER: Oh, did the little Moon Twit have a bit of a shock? TOO BAD! SERENA (defiant): Go blow it out your. . . Waitasec, you'd enjoy that. FORRESTER (mockingly): Oh, the royal Moon Princess has wounded me to the quick! FRANK: I guess that means you'll be moving a lot slower now, Steve. FORRESTER: Shut up, Frank, that wasn't funny. We'll skip the Invention Exchange this week, because I'm in a hurry. AMY: I bet you just don't have an invention. FORRESTER: I do too! AMY: Prove it. FORRESTER: All right, girly-girl, I bring you the Nihongonizer. Designed to de-translate dubbed anime characters such as yourselves and return you to original form. I think I'll demonstrate it on you . (Serena, Darien, Raye and Lita have become Usagi, Mamoru, Rei and Makoto. They are now speaking in Japanese - you're reading the subtitles). USAGI (regaining much of her dignity): Just get on with it, Forrester. This is about as exciting as PBS. What the!? What's wrong with my voice? Mamo- chan! MAMORU: Usako, what's wr. . . My voice is changed too! Rei-chan? Mako-chan? REI: Us too! Forrester, change us back! FORRESTER: I promised you last week that I would have a true and proper stinkburger of a fanfic ready for the inauguration of the new theater, did I not? REI: No, you didn't. FORRESTER: Lying to me will get you nothing but pain, Hino. REI: Oh, you mean you're going to force us to read "Oceanus?" FORRESTER: I wish. Unfortunately, the author of that stinky little suppository of a fanfic has requested the owner of the only archive which it was on to remove it - and BCC'ed a copy of that message to me, claiming that it was because of *my* experiments. Uh, what? (the Scouts (and for that matter, Senshi) and Mamoru are in the middle of an impromptu party) MAMORU: If it's true, thank you, Forrester-sensei! USAGI: Yeah! Woo-hoo! (Usagi places a jubilant kiss on Mamoru's lips) No more "yaoi" fanfic featuring my Mamo-chan! FORRESTER: Not so fast, there's still "When All Else Fails," by the Hentai Man. USAGI (all royal hauteur): Hardly a threat. FORRESTER: We shall see. Your experiment today consists of chapters four, five and six of the ongoing saga of "Sailor Moon Fantasy," with a short, "Makoto's Cooking Contest." So if you're ready. . . USAGI: Or not. FORRESTER: Frank, push the button, and prepare for a new era in world history: The reign of Doctor Clayton Forrester! FRANK: And his faithful comrade, Sir Francis of TV! (pushes the button) USAGI: We've got LEMON-SIIIGN!!! (the above-mentioned door sequence runs in the countdown order) <6> <5> <4> <3> <2> <@> >Makoto's Cooking Contest MAKOTO: Sugoi! I always wanted to have my own cooking contest! MAMORU: I think it means you participate in a cooking contest, not run one yourself. USAGI: Oh well, Mamo-chan. Just sit back and enjoy it. For once we don't have to watch ourselves be twisted inside out, upside down and in circles just for some author's cheap thrill. MAMORU: Well said, Usako. >Author's Note: Nin Hao, Sailor Sleep here USAGI: Why does that name sound like a bad omen? REI: Sailor *Sleep*? "In the name of Sleep, I will unspool an endless, boring fanfic until you nod off!" >with my 2nd fanfic...I really >enjoyed writing the first one, so why not a second? =) MAKOTO: Because people like us might get our hands on it and make wiseass comments about it? >If you happened >to read my first one, (Mamoru and Chibiusa) MAMORU: AAAAUUUGGGHHH!! IT'S HENT-EYE IN DISGUISE!!! >I mentioned that a MAN in >Japan created the anime and manga Sailormoon. USAGI: What the!? How? MAMORU: I don't know. >Wow, I must have been >really spacey that day, REI: (stoner voice) It was the 'shrooms talking, dude! >because no way did a man create it, it was a >woman! USAGI: Hell yeah! REI: Naoko, we love you! >Sorry, about that! ^^; If you have any questions, comments, or >flames send them to me: sailor_sleep@hotmail.com. Shay shay, and have >fun! (If that's at all possible =) USAGI: In this theater? Not likely. MAKOTO (dark-evil voice): We shall see. . . >**************************************************************************** >******** >**************************** USAGI: Oh look, it's Ursa Major! MAMORU (puts his arm around Usagi): And right here is Usa Major. (kisses the tip of Usagi's ear) > Makoto hummed quietly to herself while kneading dough with a baking >roller. She had been at work all day - baking, mixing, pouring, >stirring, USAGI: Rolling, kneading, pinching, rubbing. . . REI and MAKOTO: Ecchi Odango-atama! USAGI (all innocence): What? >and cooking for the baking competition that would be held >tomorrow in Tokyo Park. MAMORU: Tokyo Park? Does this guy think there's only one park in Tokyo or something? REI: Tokyo Park: The anime version of South Park! MAKOTO: Oh, my Gods! They killed Kenji! USAGI: You bastards! > "Looking good Mako," commented Minako as she walked by, dipping her >finger in the newly made custard. Artemis sighed, and smiled slightly. >Makoto laughed, and asked Minako to pass her the flour. REI: Is that such a wise move, Mako-chan? MAKOTO: What can it possibly hurt, Rei-chan? > "Hey you guys, where's Usagi today?" asked Ami, who was frosting a >sugar cookie. > "She went shopping with Chibiusa to get a good looking apron for >Mako >to wear to the contest tomorrow," answered Rei, as she cracked two eggs >over the batter. MAKOTO: Let's hope that Mamoru didn't go with them! REI: Yeah, if he did, they'd spend more time fighting about him than they would looking for that apron! > "So what kind of apron did you tell them to look for?" Minako asked >Makoto. > "Hmmm...I asked them to look for something that's bright and looks >good >against the trees in the park," Makoto said, pausing from her work to >visualize the apron in her head. MAKOTO: Mmm. . . Apron. . . MAMORU: Visualize the apron! Feel the energy of the apron filling your very soul! Become one with the apron! > All girls agreed with Makoto, nodding their heads, and getting their >own picture in their head. USAGI: Ohh boy. . . Sounds like trouble. REI: It's the new Polaroid Brain-Cam! Why waste paper making prints when your pictures can be stored directly in your cerebral cortex? > Rei spun around as the timer on the microwave went off, sounding a >loud, "BEEP!" USAGI: Rei spun around sounding a loud, "BEEP!" Why Rei-chan, I never knew you were so talented! REI: Well at least I have SOME talents, Odango-atama! > "Ooooh, it's ready!" cried Minako, rushing over to the stove with >Rei. REI: What am I, a potholder!? > Rei, taking a deep breath, opened the oven's door and REI: Out jumped the alien that had been hiding there. Everyone ran away screaming, but it followed on a relentless orgy of destruction, ripping off limbs and flinging them around the room. . . MAKOTO: Watch it, Rei-chan. >pulled out the >steaming pie. Minako hurried to taste it, but Rei stopped her, pushing >Minako's fingers away, and explaining, "It's much too hot - we better >let it sit awhile." Minako nodded, going back to decorating cookies with >Ami. MAKOTO: Stereotype number one-fifty-four about Minako: She lacks in any common sense whatsoever. USAGI: The list's that long? MAKOTO: Most of the stereotypes above it have to do with her sexual curiosity, willingness and orientation. USAGI (knowingly): Ohhh. . . > "I could really use some lunch," Minako said as she covered a cookie >with colorful sprinkles. > "Yeah, all this food is making me hungry," Ami said, gazing >longingly >at a warm cookie just taken from the oven. MAMORU: Okay, I know some writers have given the Senshi some weird sexual preferences in fanfics, but. . .a COOKIE? > Makoto laughed, responding, "Yes, it's defenitly time to take a >lunch >break." > Rei gave a sigh of relief, tearing her flour covered apron from her >and MAKOTO: Leaping on top of the counter, doing a slow bump-and-grind. The blouse was the next thing to get torn OW!!! REI (letting go of her ponytail): Do that again, and I'll force you to read Clare Mosley's un-MSTed "Star Wars Christmas Story" at gunpoint. USAGI: NANI!?!!? Rei-chan, that's cruel! >tossing it over the counter. Makoto worked busily on preparing a >vegetable salad, while Ami made ham sandwiches for everybody. MAMORU: Well, it's pretty obvious why this author's called Sailor Sleep. I don't think that a cocktail of Valium, Benadryl and Sominex would put me to sleep as fast as this fic. > "Lunch is served," Makoto announced, placing a salad bowl and a >sandwich on Rei and Minako's plate. > The girls began admetiatley USAGI: Even I know that's not how you spell "immediately." MAMORU: I think it's supposed to be "adamantly" REI: "Admetiatley?" Is that a word? Is there even an English word close to that? MAKOTO: I don't think so. . . >eating, happily murrmuring thanks to Ami >and Makoto between bites. > "Wow, Mako, this, *crunch* salad, is welly good," REI: "Welly good?" She's Pavel Chekhov! USAGI (as Chekhov): I am looking for a nuclear wessel! >Minako praised, >her >mouth full of lettace and carrots. REI: Lettuce. > "Thanks," smiled Makoto, happy to please her friends. USAGI: (stifles a laugh, then giggles) MAKOTO: Not THAT way! We were right before - you're a real ecchi, Usagi- chan! USAGI: Gomen, gomen. > The girls sat for awhile, enjoying the meal when there was a sudden >commotion outside, and the door was flung open. Chibiusa and Usagi >walked in, both with angry faces, and bickering about various topics. REI: As usual. USAGI (as Chibi-Usa): I don't care what you say, I still think that the United States should help Russia prop up its economy before the ruble goes completely down the tubes! > "I still think the flower one would look better!" Chibiusa yelled at >Usagi angrly. > "It does not! The one we got is just fine!" Usagi shouted back. > "Will the both of you shut up?!" screamed Rei over both of them. (all in the theater wince and cover your ears) USAGI: Not so damned loud, Rei-chan! REI: It wasn't me! > "Hmph!" mumbled Chibiusa stubbornly as she took a seat at the table. MAKOTO: And bashed Usagi over the head with it. > Makoto smiled uneasily and asked cautiously, REI (as Makoto): Usagi. . .is it that time of the month? USAGI: Not yet, Rei-ch. . . HEY! >"So...what kind of >apron >did you pick up?" > "A bad one!" Chibiusa called out before Usagi had a chance to speak. > "Oi, my apron is just fine!" Usagi said, glaring at Chibiusa. REI: Oi? She's the first-ever Cockney Japanese! > "It is not! It will look horrible on Mako!" Chibiusa retorted, >returning Usagi's glare. > "Do the both of you realize how childish your being!?" Rei said, >pulling them apart. "Can we just see the apron without having a war?" USAGI and MAKOTO (Makoto as Chibi-Usa): NO! MAMORU (as Rodney King): Can't we all just get along? >she added, telling Chibiusa to sit down. Chibiusa followed her >instructions, pouting to herself quietly. REI (as Chibi-Usa): Ha! Little do they know I've put Ex-Lax in all their drinks. . . > "Thank you," Usagi said, picking up a nearby shopping bag. "Now, >take a >look at this!" She cried, pulling a bright pink apron with purple stars >and ice cream cones all over it. USAGI (as Minako): Tada! MAMORU (as Usagi): For my next trick, I'll make an elephant disappear! >Makoto forced a smile, and nervously >said, "Uh, Usagi - ah...do you think that will look good with green >leafed trees all over the park? Uh, heh, maybe we could um...fix it up a >little?" ALL (muted trumpet noise): Wah wah wah waaaaahhh. . . > Usagi frowned. "You don't like my ice cream!?" > "Oh, well, not really, it's just that -" MAKOTO: It looks like it was designed by a mental patient on acid. > "I told you! I told you the flowers would be better!" cried out >Chibiusa as she jumped from her seat. USAGI: This is OBVIOUSLY before SuperS. > "Shut up! Mako likes the ice cream! She does, she does! Don't you >Mako?" asked Usagi. > "Oh, well, um..." > "See! She hates it, and it's all your fault! Stupid Usagi, it's >horrible!" Chibiusa yelled. > "it is not! She never said that! My ice cream is perfect!!!" Usagi >screamed at Chibiusa. USAGI: Rei-chan, are we really that bad? REI: Not anymore. > Rei sighed, not bothering to interfere as the girls' fight continued >behind her. Makoto looked confused, and bewhilderd MAMORU: Not to mention bewhitchd and bhotherd >when Ami approached >her, offering, "You know Mako, my mother taught me how stitch when I was >younger, and I could fix up the apron if you want." > "Oh thanks Ami, your a real life saver!" USAGI: Five-Flavor, Pep-O-Mint or Cherry? MAKOTO: Usagi-chan, think about what you just said, just for a moment. USAGI (flushing bright red and sinking into her seat): Sorry, Mako-chan. . . >Makoto said, handing the >apron >to her. > "No need to thank me, it's really nothing," Ami said modestly. > Both girls exchanged smiles, while the crazed fight raged behind >them. REI: Someone had let Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Undertaker into the living room! >Rei had given up all hope and stood watching with Minako, who couldn't >keep her giggles down at the insults they threw at each other. MAKOTO: The insults splattered against the wall, leaving a nasty stain that would take several days to remove. . . > Suddenly there was a huge "Meow," USAGI: And everybody turned around to see that Tom and Jerry were on TV. MAMORU (as Tom Jones): What's new, pussycat? Whoa-whoa-whoa. . . >and in an instant, Luna had shoved >Usagi and Chibiusa away from each other, bringing peace. REI: The President of the United States was so impressed at her peacemaking ability that he made Luna his new Secretary of State and sent her immediately to the Mid-East. >All girls stood >wide eyed, waiting for Luna's response. > "I can't belive you girls! I turn my back for one second, and look >what >happens! MAMORU (as Luna): You shaved "Kick Me Hard" on my backside! >Now it's about time you start to grow up and act like the >mature senshi you are! For heaven sakes Usagi and Chibiusa, your mother >and daughter - you act like fueding sisters!" Luna cried, standing on >top on Usagi's shoulder. > "I'm sorry Luna," Chibiusa said quietly, as she walked up to stroke >the >cat. REI: Pet the pussy. . . OTHERS: ECCHI REI-CHAN!!! > Luna, who was still somewhat angry, murmured, "Just, please, for >once >act your age!" > A akward moment of silence filled the room until a small voice MAMORU: In the author's head said, "Please, for the good of humanity, stop writing!" >piped, >"Mommy, what's going on in here?" > Luna turned around to find Diana sitting on the counter, and staring >curiously at the whole scene. "Oh - nothing...everybody is just getting >ready for the contest tomorrow," Luna answered, hopping up next to >Diana. Diana yawned, then, with a quick jump to the couch, curled up and >went to sleep. USAGI: And the point of that was. . .? > The girls smiled nervously at Luna as they cleared their empty lunch >plates and began to cook again. MAKOTO: Do these people do anything else? >Usagi and Chibiusa pitched in, not >arguing, but not being exactly polite either. USAGI: Hmm. . . Can anybody around here guess who "Sailor Sleep" doesn't exactly like? >**************************************************************************** >******** >**************************** USAGI: The aurora borealis is really pretty this time of year. > "Wow, I can't belive REI: I before E. . . Wait a sec, she left it off entirely! >today is the baking contest!" exclaimed Ami >excitedly, as she pulled a light blue rain coat over her. MAMORU: She was totally naked under it, and was planning on flashing everyone at the contest. > "I know - it seems like we've been preparing forever," agreed Rei. > "Well, I don't know about you, but I can't wait!" chimed in Minako, >who >was jumping up and down happily. ALL: Boing. . .boing. . .boing. . . > Rei raised an eyebrow, saying to Minako, "It's no wonder your >excited - >you get to be a judge, and taste everyone's dish!" MAMORU: "Taste everyone's dish"? That sounded vaguely obscene. > Minako blushed, when Chibiusa suddenly asked, "How could that be >fair? >I mean Minako helped Mako, so she would vote for Mako, right?" USAGI: Yeah. . . What kind of racket is this, Mako-chan? MAKOTO: Well, I. . . Uh, that is. . . Uhhhhh. . . > Rei smiled, explaining, "Well that would be true if Minako was the >judge of the contest Mako entered - Minako is judging a different baking >contest." > "Oh," Chibiusa said, pulling on her sandals. ALL: (groaning) > Makoto took in parts of the conversation while she wrapped her >cakes, >cookies, pies, strudels, and pasteries in tin foil. Ami worked at her >side, laughing at various jokes Artemis made from the counter. MAMORU (as Artemis): So, Ami-chan, ever hear the one about the. . . USAGI: Mamo-chan, if you want to sleep on the bed tonight, don't go one word farther. MAMORU: What about if *Darien* wants to sleep on the bed? USAGI: Same rule applies - don't think I'll forget as soon as I turn back into Serena. > "Okay! it's time to go!" yelled Usagi, running into the room in a >light >blue jumper and white shirt. REI: Hmm. . . Better fashion sense than most of our authors have given you. USAGI: That's because most of our authors' sense of my fashion appears to be my birthday suit and nothing else. > "Usagi's right - we better get moving," Ami said as she checked her >watch. USAGI: That Ami-chan, always looking at the big picture! > The girls ran nervously but happy from the apartment, Minako leading >the way, with Makoto behind her, who was trying to balance her plates in >her hands. Chibiusa ran alongside Usagi, both girls laughing and >shouting as other contestants ran with them. Usagi screamed with joy >when they reached Tokyo Park, MAKOTO: Sounds like Usagi needs to get out a little more. >crying, "Omigosh, this is so awesome! I >know Mako will win, I know it! She's the best cook in Japan! Oh, wow, >isn't this great Chibiusa?" USAGI (as Chibi-Usa): No, the author keeps misspelling my name! Chibi-Usa is a nickname! It means "Little Rabbit." My real name is Usagi, just like kaa-chan's, but everybody calls me Chibi-Usa to keep us separate. > Chibiusa's eyes were big and searching the park, as she answered, >"Usagi - all these people here - are they in the baking contest?" > "Of course not! There are a lot of people here who are just like us >- >to root their friends on, and have a good time!" > "Look - there's a stand with Mako's name on it!" Minako announced, >pointing to a table under a cherry blossom tree, with a sign that stated >in big, bold letters; "Chief Kino Makoto" MAKOTO: Of the Mille Lacs band of Ojibwe. >Makoto smiled, and the girls >ran twords REI: In so many twords, yes. >it, setting down blankets to sit on under the shade of the >tree. > "Thank you so much for fixing up the apron - it looks just great!" >Makoto said to Ami. REI: Those marijuana leaf patches were just the right finishing touch! > "Oh, I'm glad you like it, Mako-chan." > "Hey! Look, there's where the judges meet! See ya later Minako!" >called >Chibiusa, as she waved to Minako. > Usagi grinned deeply, saying quietly, "I'll just go take a look at >some >of the stands for you Mako - you know, just check on what your up >against..." > Makoto laughed, while Luna moaned, shaking her head in disbelief. USAGI (as Luna): When did these girls suddenly develop the collective IQ of a Danish pastry? > "I'm going to take a look at some of the nature around here - so >beautiful...bye guys!" called Rei, REI: How damn convenient! >who was running in the direction of a >group of blossom covered trees. > "You'd better un-pack Mako, REI: She's going to suffocate to death in that suitcase! >the judges will come around soon," >advised >Luna. > Makoto nodded, and began to un-wrap her plates covered in tin foil. >Ami >helped, asking, "Luna, where is Artemis?" > "He stayed home - feeling a little sick he says," Luna answered. USAGI: Minako fed him some of her rocket fuel, I mean chili. MINA: Hey! MAMORU (as Artemis): Not today dear, I have a headache. REI: I'm just wondering here, but we're speaking Japanese and they're speaking English, so why do we understand each other perfectly? USAGI: Authorial convenience. > Ami frowned, responding, "Oh - that's too bad..." > Luna nodded quickly, whispering, "Quick girls, the judge is coming!" USAGI (as Luna): Pay no attention to that cat behind the curtain. > Ami and Makoto quickly un-wrapped the rest of the food, standing >together at the front of the table, wearing big, (And somewhat fake) >smiles. The judge lifted his glasses as he peered at the various sweets. >After a moment of observing, he took his testing spoon, REI: Filled it with heroin, added some water, then got out the needle >and dipped it >into each dish for the taste part of the contest. He licked his lips, >then scribbled something down on his clipboard, MAMORU: Note to self. . .get new agent >moving on to the next >table. > "He didn't seem too happy," Makoto said, worrying. > "I wouldn't worry Mako - your food can beat anyones!" comforted Ami. USAGI: And if your food don't knock 'em dead, they already are! > Luna stared at another on-coming judge, who did the same thing as >the >first. After he left Luna meaowed lightly, and hopped onto Ami's >shoulder. "There's something different with that one," commented Luna, >staring at his back suspiciously. MAKOTO (as Luna): He's wearing Underoos outside of his clothes! USAGI (as Droopy): You know what? I don't like you. > "You think so?" Makoto asked, staring at him as well. > "Yes, as a matter of fact I'm almost positive! Just something about >him..." Luna shivered, while deep in thought. > A third judge approached the table, this one, Luna had no problem >with. USAGI: But that last one gave her gas something fierce! >"Ami? Could you do me a favor and follow that second judge for me?" Luna >asked. MAKOTO (as Luna): I want his phone number. > "Sure thing Luna," responded Ami, who wished Makoto good luck, then >followed quietly behind the second judge. MAKOTO (as Ami): Oh don't mind the blue-haired girl. . . > The judge made the normal rounds REI: The porno shop, the massage parlor. . . USAGI: Naru-chan caught Umino going toward a porno shop once. She smacked the bejeezus out of him for it. >- a table here, a table >there... MAKOTO: Here a table, there a table, everywhere a table table, old MacDonald had a farm. . . >finally, he was finished, with Ami still walking silently behind >him. MAMORU (as Ami): Every breath you take. . .every move you make. . .I'll be watching you! >The judge made a turn, walking further back into the park where >none of the contest was going on. Ami, puzzled, whipped out her mini >computer and began punching numbers into it. She gasped, when the >computer revealed an un-seen tent, hidden from the naked eye. > She watched as the man lifted the flap of the tent, that was only >visable on her computer. Then, when she looked up, he had dissapeared >into the inviable tent, REI: So the tent will never bear offspring? Never mind, I've got three misspellings in that sentence - "Visible," "disappeared" and "invisible." >no sign that any life had ever been there. USAGI (as Melvin): Did somebody call my name? >Ami, >taking a big breath, opened the flap as well, following him inside. > Once inside everything was visable again. She could see many strange >looking people, if in fact they were people. MAMORU: Oh, she's at the Republican National Convention. >She saw pies and pastries >of many kinds, all being taken to a back room. Ami catiously followed >one, staring in horror as she watched MAKOTO: "Regis and Kathie Lee" >them pour bottles of poison into >the sweets. Then, they were taken back out of the tent, set back onto >the chief's table as if nothing had happened. MAKOTO: That's about the least-subtle plot I've ever heard! > I can't let them do this - they'll kill Minako! Ami thought, >imanging >judge Minako REI: "Saving Private Minako" >walking up to a table, and tasting a pie - then falling to >the ground dead. MAMORU: This is Minako we're talking about here! She gets worse from her *own* cooking! > Suddenly, the judge she had been following noticed her, demanding >who >she was, and what she wanted - threating to kill her as well. > "Mercury Crystal, Make Up!" Mercury transformed quickly, then >answering, "I am Sailor Mercury, REI: And I'm here to whomp ass! >and I command you to stop poisoning >these innocent people's food!" > The judge laughed, saying, "No - and what are you going to do about >it?" > "I'll show you - Mercury, Aqua, Rhapsody!" MAKOTO: What's, with, all, the, excess, commas? >She chanted, attacking >him >with all her strength. > The judge laughed again, simply raising his hand, and commanding it >to >stop USAGI: Huh? Since when can people do that? >- then, while Mercury puzzled over this, he unexpectantly threw it MAMORU: He detached and threw his own hand? >back at her, knocking her to the ground. > "Now, who's more confident?" The judge taunted, kicking her in the >ribs ALL: BOO! >as he walked by her. > "I am!" cried Usagi who stood in the doorway with Chibiusa. > "Moon Crisis, Make Up!" both Chibiusa and Usagi chanted USAGI and REI (as Usagi and Chibi-Usa, chanting): Ohm or some junk. . . Ohm or some junk. . . USAGI (as Shirley the Loon): In a past life I was Marie Antoinette. . . REI (interrupting): So that's why you're so mindless in this one! >at the same >time. USAGI: Huh? If it's in SuperS, why were Chibi-Usa and I arguing like that? REI: I don't know. USAGI: And why did I pick out such an ugly apron? MAKOTO: Because the author thinks you don't have an eye for design. Obviously she doesn't like your fashion sense. > Then, as they landed, he asked, "And who might you be?" > "We are defenders of the moon, and right wrongs of all evil! MAMORU: We are champions of bad grammar and syntax! >We are >Sailor Moon!" Sailor Moon cried. > "And Sailor Chibi Moon!" Chibi Moon added. > "And in the name of the moon - we'll punish you!" They both yelled >in >unison. USAGI: Brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department. > The judge laughed even more, signaling to Mercury and saying, "Oh >yeah? >No problem - I'll just do you like I did you little blue haired friend!" USAGI: HEY! I thought this wasn't supposed to be ecchi! > "I don't think so!" cried Sailor Moon, winking at Chibi Moon to give >her attack. > "Right!" Chibi Moon yelled, then crying, "Twinkle, Yell!" > The judge was un-prepared this time, though he still had enough time >to >block it, as he had done with Mercury's attack. Chibi Moon glared at >him, angry that he hadn't been hurt. MAMORU (as Chibi-Usa): DIE, DAMN YOU! DIE! > "Not to worry Small Lady!" Sailor Moon told Chibi Moon, then >screaming, >"Moon, Tiara, Action!" USAGI: Moon Tiara Action!? Why not Moon Gorgeous Meditation? I mean, Chibi- Usa already did the Twinkle Yell attack. MAKOTO: Usagi-chan. . . Just repeat to yourself, "it's just a fic, I should really just relax." > The judge, who had never had enough time to throw Chibi Moon's >attack >back at her, still blocked it in front of him, and by the time Sailor >Moon threw her tiara, it not only forced Chibi Moon's attack into him, >but also hit him in the head with her tiara for a final touch. MAMORU: If you can figure out what just happened, please let us know, because we have NO FLIPPIN' IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON! > Both senshi exchanged smiles, then rushing over to Mercury, who was >shaking and badly hurt. The tent around them slowly dissapeared, gone >forever, while the poison in the food slowly drifted from the food into >the air - REI: Where it would be inhaled by millions of innocent people. Hundreds of lawsuits followed. >dissolving, and like the tent, never to be seen again. USAGI (as the Wicked Witch of the West): I'm melting, MELTING, melting, oh what a world, what a world. . . > Sailor Moon picked up Mercury, MAKOTO: Whoa! It's turning into a lesbian lemon! >carrying her to Venus, Mars, and >Jupiter, who had all just arrived. Chibi Moon watched over their >shoulder's as they cleaned her wounds, and hoping she would be alright. USAGI: Who are you kidding, this is Ami-chan, of course she'll be all right. >**************************************************************************** >******** >**************************** MAKOTO: Chance of heavy snowfall tonight. . . > All girls sat around Makoto's apartment, laughing and joking as >usual. >Ami sat on the couch, rubbing her small, but harmless wound on her arm. USAGI: See, what'd I tell you? > "Wow, that was some day," Makoto said, shiverring. > "Yeah, well I'm just glad it's over!" Rei said, glancing >sympatheticly REI: That's "Shivering" and "Sympathetically." >at Ami. > "It's a good thing your injuries weren't serious!" exclaimed Luna. > "You feel okay?" Minako asked Ami. > "I'm fine - maybe a little surprised from all the shock, but fine," >Ami >replied, hugging her knees. MAMORU (as Ami): Oh, knees! Even when the rest of the world abandons me, I know I can depend on you! > "At least you won Mako!," Diana said, hopping down next to her >mother. > Makoto blushed, replying, "I couldn't have done it without you >guys..." > "Well gosh, you don't have to always critisize!" yelled Usagi, from >behind them. MAKOTO: When you mangle spelling like this. . .I most definitely do. > "Oh no? Well you don't always have to do stupid things!" Chibiusa >cried >back, both girls yelling madly into each other's faces. > Luna and the girls sighed, a slight smile on their faces as they >were >glad things were back to normal. MAMORU: Yep, once again, everything had become a pile of narrow stereotypes of every Sailor Moon character. . . >**************************************************************************** >******** >**************************** > THE END >*Okay, so I didn't spend much time on the actual fight and plot, but >hey, It takes me awhile to think of these things! ^_~ USAGI: It wasn't that bad. Spelling and grammar needed a little work. MAKOTO: I didn't know you had such a dirty mind, Usagi-chan. USAGI: Oh, I have some help. . . (Mamoru blushes) > -Sailor Sleep AMY'S VOICE: Ser. . . Usagi, I've got a neutralizer ready. Wanna give it a try? USAGI: Sure, Ami-chan. . . Amy. Fire away! (Amy uses the neutralizer and suddenly Usagi, Mamoru, Rei and Makoto are back to Serena, Darien, Raye and Lita) LITA: All right, it worked! SERENA: Being subbed was an interesting experience, but I think I like my normal voice better. RAYE: You said it. LITA: That was kind of like "Sailors at Sea." Only without any love scenes and without any real suspense or danger. SERENA: Or fun. >Sailor Moon Fantasy! [Hentai] SERENA: You know, "hentai" means "sexually perverted." >Episode:4 AMY: Audience: zero. >"Serenity's New Enemy!" >By: The Crystal Knight SERENA: Shouldn't that read, "Serenity's New Enemy, The Crystal Knight?" >E-mail: EchoHeart9@aol.com AMY: Good to see his e-mail hasn't changed. Maybe our Cyber Rose Bombs hit the mark this time! >Note: This fan fiction contains words SERENA: But not proper grammar or syntax. >and descriptions of nudity and sex. MINA: Most of which are cliches or are grossly ignorant. >Read >at your own risk! AMY: Can we choose to go have a Miller instead? SERENA: We're not old enough to drink, remember? AMY: I'd rather take that risk than the risk of reading this story. >Now on to the story! SERENA: No, stay in the intro a while longer. >~~~ AMY: Beep. . . Beep. . . Beep. . . MINA: This story's on life support. >Episode: 04 "Serenity's New Enemy!" SERENA (as announcer): Will the mystery guest sign in please? >Raye stripped off her clothes and stepped into the shower at her grandpa's >temple. MINA: Little did she know that her grampa had drilled a hole in the wall. RAYE: Stop right there, unless you want to become a human torch. >Chad was just right outside. He watched Raye with great interest. He >had never seen Raye nude before MINA: What, you mean he missed the Playboy spread? OWWW!!! RAYE: Don't. MINA: Think about the author we're riffing here and tell me if I had a right to say that. RAYE: You've got a point. >and he waited for her to come out. DARIEN: Alas, the wait was in vain. . .turns out she was completely heterosexual. SERENA: You're pushing it, love. >Then Raye >exploded! SERENA: Eeeuwww!! All over the theater! >Raye: "!!!!Chad!!!!" >Raye yelled at chad. AMY: Makes a lot more sense than yelling "!!!!Chad!!!!" at her grampa. >Raye got a towel and covered herself up. Raye removed >the >towel from Raye. MINA: Torgo's writing again! LITA (as Torgo): ThE MasTeR dOeS nOt apPRovE oF BaDLy WriTTeN, jUvEniLE LEmonS. SERENA: Wouldn't that be, "ThE MasTeR dOeS nOt apPRovE oF sUCH PLot deVICES." >Chad: "Oh Raye, no need to cover up your beautiful body. I like you that >way. AMY: Well, at least the bastard's consistent. RAYE: So this means I've got to spend the rest of the fanfic naked? When I get back to Earth, I'm gonna show him exactly what a "hot time" is. SERENA (as Torgo): ForGIve Me MaDam. . . I jusT CAn't helP mySELF. . . MINA (as the Master): I just can't take him anywhere. >I love you!" >Raye: "You love me?" >Chad "Yes. I always have." >Raye: "You know what I always wanted to do?" >Chad: "What?" MINA: That's what! (laughs, then glances around. Nobody else is laughing) SERENA: That was juvenile. MINA: This fic is juvenile, your point? >Raye: "I always wanted to have sex with you." SERENA (as Raye): Ever since I was a little bitty baby. . . OW! RAYE: Don't do that again. Ever. Unless you want *me* to sew your eyelids open and. . . OWW!!! AMY: Don't even START with that. I've had far too many "At the Crack of Mercury" flashbacks as it is. >Chad: "You do? Me too. That's what I always wanted too." >Raye: "Shall I choose what you want me to wear, so you can >take them off?" SERENA: What the. . . Why does Crystal Knight like to have girls put things on only to take them off again!? DARIEN: Earth to Crystal Knight. . .a live woman is not a KISS doll! >Chad: "Sure." >Chad and Raye went to Raye's bedroom and raye LITA: PRONOUNS! I NEED PRONOUNS! STAT! >chose a dark red blouse that >was >revealing showing her brests SERENA: Well, it could have been revealing, showing something else. . . but that's not very likely. Hey, wait a second, "showing her *brests?* Typo alert! >just a bit. She also chose a selected a purple >satin bra AMY: Does any girl in a Crystal Knight fic wear undergarments not made of satin or some synthetic? SERENA: I'll keep an eye out. >and matching panties to go with it. She also selected a dark red >skirt to go with it. SERENA: Have you never noticed that when we're wearing our own clothes, as opposed to our school uniforms, that we almost never wear any of our Scout colors? MINA: Of course. I mean, if we did, we'd look like an all-girls team of the Power Failures. >She got a pair of purple panty hose knee highs RAYE: Panty hose knee highs? What, are my knees somewhere around my crotch? AMY: You don't *want* to have seen some of the pictures I've seen on the Net. SERENA: If it's anything like that doujinshi I saw about Raye and Lita, you're absolutely right (giggles). Although if you weren't involved in the actions, it's pretty funny. >and >purple >high heel shoes. Chad watched Raye gently slip DARIEN: An explosive device into a package addressed to Crystal Knight >everything on. Chad was in >awe >when he saw Raye in all her glory. SERENA: I am the Raye, your girlfriend. Thou shalt place no girls before me! >Raye spoke. LITA (as Raye): Four score and seven years ago. . . >Raye: "How do I look?" DARIEN: (as Billy Crystal) You look mahvelous! >Chad: "You look beautiful." >Raye: "Do want to take them off and play with me?" SERENA (as little-kid-Raye): First let's go on the slide, then we'll play on the merry-go-round 'til we barf! >Chad: "Sure." MINA (as Punchy): How 'bout a nice Hawaiian Punch? AMY (as Chad): Sure! >Chad slowly took off Raye's clothes that she had on. Soon Raye was nude >again. SERENA (singing): She gets dressed up, and they come off again, will Crystal Knight let us stay dressed? >He gently put Raye on her own bed. Chad then took his own clothes off. DARIEN: Clipping your toenails is a more erotic experience than reading this scene! >He >rubbed his penis on Raye's breasts. Raye could not control her emotions. LITA: She started screaming, "That's what you call *foreplay*? Get the hell out of my bedroom!" >Chad >then placed his Penis inside Raye's pussy. He moved his penis in and out of >the pussy muscles. AMY: More sexual ignorance from the Crystal Knight! He moved it in and out of the *muscles*!? That's gotta hurt just a little. . . >Soon the pussy muscles started to contract. And Chad >moved >his penis from out of Raye's pussy. DARIEN: Well, there was a very vague hint of an orgasm. . .I guess that's *some* progress. . . AMY: Pathetic progress, but progress nevertheless. >Raye remained on the bed for a while. >Raye >was still trying to regain control of her emtions. Then finally Raye came >out >of it. >Raye: "Wasn't that Great?" SERENA: Tsar Wasn't the Great. AMY (grumbles) Wasn't that funny. SERENA: This fic isn't either, your point? >Chad: "Yes, we should do it more often." >Chad helps Raye up and they take a show together MINA: But they forgot to put their clothes on and got arrested for indecent exposure! >and clean up. LITA: Cleanup on Aisle Five! >Meanwhile Lita and Serenity were walking. They were talking about Serenity's >marriage to Darien. SERENA (as Lita): So, what's it like going from the Queen of the Universe to a ditzy little blow up doll? >Lita: "How is your husband Darien treating you?" AMY: In case Serena forgot in the last six seconds who she was married to. >Serenity: "Like a Princess." MINA: Crystal Knight's got a funny idea of what "treating her like a Princess" actually means. SERENA: You got that, damn right. >Lita: "That's good. What do you want to do?" LITA (as "KISS" - the band): I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day! >Serenity: "Let's go to the mall." >Lita: "Okay." >Then suddenly a monster and his henchmen came out of nowhere. >Dark Baron: "Capture those girls. We must kill all humans." SERENA (as the blonde Satan Woman): But the girl, she will become a woman. DARIEN (as Ro-Man): To be like the hu-man! To live like the hu-man! >Serenity: "Let's transform! Moon Fantasy Power!" >Lita: "Jupiter Star Power!" >Serenity and Lita Transformed! SERENA: Whoopdy. >Fantasy Sailor Moon: "Let's do it" >Sailor Jupiter: "Good! I will call the others! Raye, Mina, and Amy come in." SERENA (as Jupiter): Yeah! Nothing like a good old fashioned orgy! >Amy: "Amy here. What's up?" >Sailor Jupiter: "We have new villains, we need you at once." >Amy: "Right! Mercury Star Power!" >Raye: "Mars Star Power!" >Mina: "Venus Star Power!" >Sailor Scouts: "Scout Power!" >Dark Baron: "Drezzel and Lord Kuug, destroy those pretty girls. I think they >are girls." AMY (as Dark Baron): I've never been too good at this kind of thing. My first "girlfriend" was Yellow Belmont. SERENA (as Crystal Knight): I hate girls. They've got cooties! >Drezzel: "Yes sire." >Drezzel threw flames at the Sailor Scouts. DARIEN: "Dear Sailor Mac: Why don't you have a life? All you do is write wishful stories about Japanese characters that aren't even real! Please seek professional help." AMY: Waitasec. . . They're already there, that's. . . not right. >Lord Kuug: "Well, I can tell that all of you except the one with the pretty >blond meatballs and the pony tails. RAYE: Hanging down, a wiggle in her walk and a giggle in her talk, she makes the world go round. . . I think....your name is Fantasy Sailor >Moon,. right? I think you >are a male." MINA (laughing): How could *ANYBODY* mistake you for a boy, Serena? SERENA (wiping tears of laughter from her eyes): Dunno. DARIEN: There is *nothing* about you that isn't *all* woman. >Fantasy Sailor Moon: "I am not a male! I am a female. Don't make me prove >it!" SERENA (to author): Don't make me open this on you! (holds up a Frosty Keg o' Whoop Ass) >Lord Kuug: "I still think you are a male!" >Drezzel: "Have some more flames Sailor Scouts!" AMY: I HATE YOU I HATE YOU U SUK I HATE YOU U STOOPID MOONEEZ! SERENA: What was that? AMY: Drezzel giving us some more flames. SERENA: I had to ask. >More flames came towards the Sailor Scouts. >Fantasy Sailor Moon: "I am not a male! I will prove it." >Fantasy Sailor Moon took off her skirt and removed her panties. Her panties >were made of satin and were white. ALL (imitating leering strip-club crowd): Woohoo! Take it all off! Yow! >Soon Fantasy Sailor Moon's golden blond pussy was showing. SERENA: ACK! ECCHI! HENTAI! PERVERT!! STUPID WANKER!!! RAYE: NO! NOT ANOTHER ENDLESS ROUND OF DESCRIPTIONS OF PUBIC HAIR! >Lord Kuug still >wasn't convinced. MINA: You've given us four fanfic episodes and we're not convinced that you're anything resembling a real writer. >Lord Kuug: "I still don't believe you Fantasy Sailor Moon. AMY: I still don't believe that you're a writer, Crystal Knight. >Sailor Mars: "Fantasy Sailor Moon, put your panties and your >skirt back on and finish those two!" SERENA: Best advice I've heard all day! >Mars yelled at Fantasy Sailor Moon. >Fantasy Sailor Moon: "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Sailor Mars why are you so >mean?!?" SERENA: The DiC take on my relationship with Raye, ladies and gentlemen. RAYE: Beats the hell out of all those stupid fanboys who seem to think we're lovers, doesn't it? SERENA: You said it. >Fantasy Sailor Moon pulled up her panties and her skirt and >called her Fantasy Moon Rod forth. >Fantasy Sailor Moon: "Fantasy Heart attack....fire!" SERENA: Oh, such a creative attack name. >Drezzel was defeated! SERENA: That was quicker than a Ratliff battle. >Lord Krug: "The next time you and me ALL: You and *I.* >meet Fantasy Sailor Moon, SERENA: She's a trampy little slut who can't hold a candle to the real Sailor Moon. >I will >personally finish you off!" LITA (as Looney Tunes gangster): Rocky's gonna rub ya out, see? Nyaa! Nyaa! >Lord Krug disappeared. >Later at Raye's temple..... >Serenity: "So they think I am a male huh?" RAYE: I can't imagine how. I mean, you cry so much and. . . SERENA: Don't start, Raye. RAYE: I was talking to "Serenity," not you. >Raye: "Yeah, maybe we could go along with the gag. SERENA: Oh, we're gagging all right. >Serenity: "I don't like it." AMY: None of us like it but we're stuck watching it. >Darien: "Don't like what Meatball head?" DARIEN (as Serenity): Don't like the fact that they moved "Fraser" to Thursday! Why, oh why couldn't they keep it where it was! >Serenity: "Darien!" >Darien: Are you okay, my beautiful wife?" ALL: And you can say to yourself, "This is not my beautiful house," and you can say to yourself, "This is not my beautiful wife!" >Serenity: "Yes...we have new enemies." >Darien: "We if they hurt you, I will give them a wopping >that they won't forget. RAYE (as Darien): I will stand there and sing do-wop until they collapse! >I love you sweetheart." >Darien and Serenity kiss. The curtain closes. SERENA: Hey, what the!? MINA: He's giving stage directions!? >Next Episode: "Serenity's Surprise For Darien" SERENA: I have a real surprise for you: A Moon Tiara in the kisser. >Be there! (the Scouts stand up to leave the theater) AMY: Like we have a choice? <@> <2> <3> <4> <5> <6> LUNA: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Sailor Moon players proudly present the Satellite of Love Blues. SERENA: There's a lab, Deep 13 With Dr. F and Frank-een And they trapped us up here With no hope, but we got no fear Cause we're the Sailor Scouts, And there's no mess we can't get out! Yeah we're the Sailor Scouts, And we'll find our way out! MINA: Now we're feelin' like lab mice! Without our genes bein' spliced. Don't care if WB sue, Cause it'll mess Forrester up too! SERENA and MINA: And we're the Sailor Scouts, There's no mess we can't get out! Yeah we're the Sailor Scouts, And we'll find our way out! RAYE: We can't stop the fight, And rest easy tonight, Cause if we come unfurled, The Negaverse will take over the world! SERENA, MINA and RAYE: But we're the Sailor Scouts, And there's no mess we can't get out! Yeah we're the Sailor Scouts, And we'll find our way out! AMY: We're without our boyfriends, (RAYE: Except Serena!) and don't got no books (SERENA: And this is a problem?) Can't even play V-ball (MINA: ) But at least we can cook (LITA: We need groceries.) SERENA, MINA, RAYE and AMY: You know we're the Sailor Scouts, With Tuxedo Mask we can get out! Yeah we're the Sailor Scouts, And we'll find our way out! LITA: Now I don't mean to fuss, And I don't mean to whine, But it looks just about Like we've got Lemon Sign. GUITAR GUY (played by Michael J. Nelson): Hey, you girls are pretty good! HARMONICA GUY (played by Kevin Murphy): Yeah! We'll see ya later! <6> <5> <4> <3> <2> <@> >Sailor Moon:Fantasy [Hentai] LITA: NANI? No exclamation point next to the title? Isn't that one of the Biblical signs of the Apocalypse? >Episode:05 SERENA: Audience, still zero. >"Serenity's Big Surprise For Darien!" RAYE (as Serenity): Surprise, honey! I've been working as a stripper at the Pink Pussycat a Go Go! SERENA: I'm gonna. . . wait, remember the writer we're riffing, think if you had any. . . riiiight. MINA: Why do I get the feeling that Crystal Knight was reading Sailor Mac and decided to make a horribly twisted version of her stories? >By: The Crystal Knight SERENA: I'm beginning to hate that name. MINA: The effect is starting to wear off on me. Think of it as though you were repeating the name "Ed Wood" over and over again. Sooner or later, you start to get desensitized to the horror. >E-mail:EchoHeart9@aol.com DARIEN: Current number of flames in e-mail box: 125 >Note: This fan fiction contains words and descriptions of nudity and sex. SERENA: But not any words or descriptions of the plot or characters of the TV series "Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon," or of the dubbed series "Sailor Moon." >Read >at your own risk! AMY: If we had a choice, we wouldn't be. >Now on to the story! >******************************************************************** MINA: My God. . . It's full of stars! SERENA: Been done before. >Serenity was sleeping in the bed with her husband Darien. AMY: Why does Crystal Knight feel compelled to remind everybody that Serenity and Darien are married every time Darien appears or is mentioned? SERENA: Probably because that's the only way people will remember, given how poorly-written this car wreck of a fanfic is. MINA: Car wreck? LITA: As opposed to "Chibi-Usa Loses Her Virginity," which was a major airline crash. SERENA: It wasn't a major airline crash, it was the sinking of the Titanic. >Darien got up >early >because her had to go to the college and then go to work. RAYE: DARIEN CHANGED GENDER! HE'S BEEN A SAILOR STARLIGHT ALL ALONG! LITA: Either that, or he's related to Zoisite. SERENA: Hey, there isn't anything about Darien that isn't all man! MINA: Yeah, he occasionally even does Stupid Guy Things! >Darien: "I have to go sweetheart." SERENA: See that little key next to the M, Crystal Knight? It's a comma. Use it. >Darien kisses his wife Serenity. SERENA: Uh, Amy, you were saying? AMY: Boy, Crystal Knight must think that people have a really short memory. MINA: Well, given the MTV attention span. . . What were you saying? >Serenity makes a slight moan >in her sleep. DARIEN (as Serenity): Ugghhh. . .no more Taco Supremes before going to bed! >Darien walks out the door. A few hours later Serenity woke up SERENA (a la Kotono Mitsuishi's voicing of Usagi): Tense Changing. . . Actioooooon! >and went into the kitchen. RAYE (as Serenity): Look at this mess! Why'd I marry that slob? >Luna greeted her. >Luna: "Good morning Serenity!" >Serenity: "Good morning Luna." SERENA: Hey, Luna - I feel like a pizza in here! LUNA'S VOICE: The only number I see here is for "Torgo's" Pizza. SERENA: We did the "Manos" bit in the last episode, Luna. Just call Domino's. MINA (middle C): Domino's. . . AMY (E above middle C): Domino's. . . RAYE (G above middle C): Domino's. . . LITA (A above middle C): Domino's. . . ALL (starting on a C7 chord): Hello, Domino's? SERENA: The mildly funny "Domino's Pizza Commercial" sketch. (meanwhile, several lines of the fanfic have passed by without being read. Take my word for it - you didn't miss a thing) >Raye: "Hello?" >Raye answers sleepfully. AMY (automatically): Sleepily. >Serenity: "Hi, Raye, Serenity here. DARIEN: I'm calling from Sprint. Have you ever thought about changing your long-distance carrier? >Did I wake you up?" >Raye: "No, not really." SERENA (as Raye): But you *did* wake Chad and Grampa up. >Serenity: "Good. I need your help." AMY (as Serena): Help me get out of this fanfic! Crystal Knight's making me do stupid things for no particular reason! MINA (as Raye): And this is different from usual how, Meatball Head? AMY (Serena): Like you've got room to talk, Pyro! MINA (Raye): I've got a LOT of room to talk! I don't go around dressing like a moron and simpering all over Darien! AMY (Serena): You're just jealous that I've got Darien and you don't! MINA (Raye): Oh yeah!? (assumes The Position - you know, back turned and tongue out) AMY (Serena): Yeah!! (also assumes The Position) SERENA (as Amy): How about we get away from here. RAYE (as Mina): Where should we go? LITA (as herself): Anywhere to get away from that. ALL: Ladies and gentlemen, the "Argument" sketch! (More of the fanfic has been ignored, but the above sketch is a hell of a lot more interesting and fun than what you missed) >Serenity: "Thanks. Okay see you there. Bye." >Raye: "Bye." SERENA: Oh, we've run out of sketch without running out of conversation. Oh well. >Serenity then hangs up the phone and then picks it up and dials Amy. >Amy: "Hello?" >Serenity: "Hi, Amy. Serenity here. Can you do me a favor?" LITA: I have some authors I want rubbed out. . . >Amy: "Sure. What is it?" >Serenity: "Do you have any CD's?" AMY: Who doesn't? >Amy: "Yes. What are you looking for?" >Serenity: "Do you have any Yanni?" >Amy: "Yes I do." SERENA: Good, now open the case. . . squeeze the little tabs in the middle so you can get the disc out. . . now hold it over the wastebasket, push it off your finger and meet me at Down in the Valley in ten minutes and I'll help you pick out some good music. >Serenity: "May I borrow one?" SERENA: . . . So I can burn it? >Amy: "Sure. I will bring one over." AMY: . . . along with some matches. >Serenity: "Thanks." >Amy: "Welcome. DARIEN (as AOL announcer): You've. . .got. . .mail! I got to go,bye." >Serenity: "Bye." SERENA: *Riviting* *Phone* *Conversation* *Action*! LITA: Boy, Crystal Knight sure has strange tastes. Polyester. . .Sizzler. . .Yanni. . .how much do you want to bet he reads the National Enquirer every week and owns an Elvis black velvet painting? SERENA: I'll bet! Guess he's a real-life parody. >Serenity then calls Mina and Lita. They agree to come over and help her. SERENA: Thus relieving us of the need to riff twenty more lines of really boring phone conversations. >Then >finally Raye arrives. Serenity opens the door. DARIEN: To find the Publisher's Clearinghouse Prize Patrol! >Raye: "Hello Serenity." >Serenity: "Hi, Raye, thanks for coming." >Raye: "What are you up to?" RAYE: Page 12. >Serenity: "I am making a surprise for Darien." MINA: Hmm. . . Why do I get the feeling Crystal Knight is trying to imitate Sailor Mac? SERENA: And failing miserably, I might add. >Raye: "Oh,ok. Here's the temple robe set. It costs 10 dollars. DARIEN: But you can have it for only $4.95 through this SPECIAL TV OFFER if you ACT NOW! >Because >you're >my friend and my leader and my future queen. RAYE: Butt-kisser! >So I will pay for it." >Serenity: "I can't let you do that." >Raye: "Why not?" >Serenity: "I want to be responible and pay for it myself." SERENA: That sounds like something a little kid who's trying to look bigger would say. Wait a sec. . . I smell something fishy here. . . >Raye: "I insist on paying for it." >Serenity: "Ok. If you really care for me I will let you, but if anyone asks >you if I bought a temple robe set, tell them I bought it,okay?" AMY (as Crystal Knight): Space bar. . . anybody seen the space bar? MINA: Why lie? AMY: Why bother? SERENA: Why ask why? >Raye: "Sure. Here is some candles for you. ALL: *ARE* some! >They may come in handy. I have to >go. By Serenity." RAYE: She has to go by Serenity on her way to Lita. >Serenity: "Thanks, by Raye." DARIEN: Hey, Raye - I didn't know you wrote a fic called "Thanks"! >Raye: "Welcome. Bye." >Raye left and Amy entered. LITA (childish singsong chant): Apartment for rent, inquire within, when Raye moves out, let Amy move in! >Amy: "Hiya, Princess!" SERENA: I hate being called that more now than I used to hate Darien calling me Meatball Head. Thank God those days are behind us now. DARIEN: I feel the same way, Meatball Head. >Serenity: "Hello Amy." >Amy: "Here's five CD's of Yanni." ALL: (cringe and make noises of disgust) RAYE (as Amy): Play them on any battlefield and the enemy will surrender within 30 seconds. AMY: Burn 'em. Now I brought you some real music: Semisonic, the Brian Setzer Orchestra, the Cherry Poppin' Daddies. . . >Serenity: "Thank you. SERENA: For nothing! >I will return them tomarrow." SERENA: Along with a small thermonuclear device. >Amy: "No need. Keep them. They are my gift to you." AMY: Just keep 'em as far away from me as you can! DARIEN: However, you are required to buy six more CDs at regular club prices over the next two years. >Serenity: "Thank you Amy!" >Amy: "I have to go. I got exams to study for." AMY: I'm not that big a workaholic am I? SERENA: I hate to break it to you, Amy. . . MINA: So I will. You are. >Serenity: "Okay. Bye." >Next came Mina. Mina dropped off a tablecloth and a bottle of wine with some >glasses. MINA: Sorry about the stains. SERENA (as John Cleese): Another good fighting wine is Melbourne Almond Yellow, which is particularly heavy, and should only be used for hand-to-hand combat. AMY (as Serenity): Mina, these glasses are the wrong prescription! >then Mina left and Lita came by. >Lita: "Hello Serenity." >Serenity: "Hi, Lita!" >Lita: "What can I do for you?" LITA (as Serenity): Can you melt down these Yanni CDs? >Serenity: "Can you teach me how to cook Chow Mein?" AMY: The hell? How 'bout something complicated, like chicken Kiev, or beef Burgundy. RAYE: Are you kidding? Sophisticated foods? From Mr. Sizzler? SERENA: Yeah, remember the author. He probably thinks chow mein is the only thing I can handle without screwing up. MINA (tartly): That's my job, thanks much. Seems like I can't even boil water without burning something. OTHERS: SERENA: You'll get better, Mina-chan. A thousand years is an awful long time to live without learning to cook. You'll learn if only because you'll get tired of eating things that taste burnt or just wrong. I know that's part of the reason I learned. MINA: Yeah, but I'll bet another part was because of the indirect payoffs. SERENA (blushing): And this is necessarily a bad thing? >Lita: "Sure. Do you have everything?" >Serenity: "Yes." >Lita: "Okay, good. Let's get started. You get me a big pot RAYE: And I'll get the bong. >and I will begin >preparing everything. SERENA: It's a bit more complicated than that, but because the author is likely a desperate teenager who hasn't learned to take care of himself yet, we'll let that slide. AMY: Teenager? SERENA: I'm feeling generous. >For over an hour Lita and Serenity prepared the >dinner. >Lita: "There you go. How about I come over here this time each day?" >Serenity: "Sounds good. Thanks." SERENA: And he assumes that just because he can't cook for himself that neither can I. LITA: If I'm going over Serenity and Darien's place every day to cook dinner, then what are Ken and I going to eat? >Lita: "Welcome. Bye." >Then Serenity prepared for Darien's return. She got the temple robe in her >hand. DARIEN: As opposed to picking it up with her tongue. >The temple robe set included the robe, a red bra and a red bikini >panties made of cotton. AMY: That's a first! Crystal Knight actually realizes that artificial fibers aren't normally used in undergarments, because they feel like plastic - which they effectively are - when they get wet. SERENA (snickering): Raye, is that a new addition? It didn't include those when I wore them last. >Serenity took off all her clothes and put on the >temple robe and the bra and panties that came with it. MINA: This marks twice in this series that the author hasn't gone into article by article detail when Serenity changed her clothes! >She set the table. >Now >everything was ready. Serenity all had to do was wait. DARIEN: Sentence that reshuffling needs! >Time passed and >Darien >entered the door. SERENA: Oh boy, more boring dialogue ahead! LITA (as Serenity): How do I look? RAYE (as Darien): I think you are beautiful as always. LITA (as Serenity): Do you want me to take off my clothes? RAYE (as Darien): Yes, I do. LITA (as Serenity): Do you want me to suck your penis? RAYE (as Darien): Yes, I do. LITA (as Serenity): Do you want to have sex with me? RAYE (as Darien): Yes, I do. DARIEN: Elements of the All-Too-Common Crystal Knight Lemon, ladies and gentlemen. >Darien: "Meatball Head, I am home." >Serenity ran to him like a young deer. MINA: I've seen how you greet Darien. I'd characterize it more like a middle linebacker than a young deer. DARIEN: Do you see me complaining? Hell, no! >Serenity: "Hiya muffin." LITA: New from Dunkin' Donuts: the Hiya Muffin! Filled with fiber, and tasty too! >Darien: "I see you have this place all nice and you are wearing a temple >robe." DARIEN (singing): I see your hair is burning, hills are filled with fire. . . RAYE (as Darien): I also see that there's a dead body hanging from the ceiling by a noose. >Serenity: "Come over here and sit down." >Darien: "Okay." >Darien sat down at one of the chairs at the table. ALL: (imitate whoopee cushion noises) >Serenity came up to >Darien >and unzipped his pants. Serenity pulled down the front part of Darien's >underwear until his penis popped out. Serenity opened her mouth and began >sucking his penis. LITA: Okay, I call no Monica Lewinsky jokes. RAYE: Do you see us making any? That's the most overused humor topic since in-laws. >Very quickly pleasures began to over take his mind. >Serenity kept this up until Darien had an orgasm. DARIEN: YOW! CRYSTAL KNIGHT ACTUALLY ACKNOWLEDGED THAT I'M CAPABLE OF HAVING AN ORGASM! LITA: That's the second one. Now we just need five more signs. >Then >she got a wet wash cloth and cleaned Darien up. SERENA: (squeaky-window noises) MINA: I take it she didn't swallow? *BASH* OW!!! Darien! SERENA: Thanks, Muffin. No reason I've always gotta be the heavy. >Afterwards, Serenity put >Darien's penis back inside his underwear SERENA (shrill-mother voice): Put that back, you don't know where it's been! >and zipped up his pants. RAYE ( as Darien): OW! IT'S CAUGHT! >Serenity >went and washed her hands and quickly returned. Serenity then dished up >their >dinner and poured wine for both of them. LITA: Vintage MD 2/20. She went to the megaOrb School of Wine Appreciation. >Then they did a toast. >Serenity: "For our Happiness." >Darien: "For our Happiness." DARIEN: Happiness is a warm puppy. LITA: Happiness is ice cream on a hot day. RAYE: Happiness is Crystal Knight's computer being flattened by an 18-wheeler. SERENA: Happiness is me, Darien and. . . . >Serenity and Darien ate their dinner. ALL: (loud munching and slurping noises) RAYE (as Serenity): URP! 'Scuse me. >Darien: "You are the sweetest girl I have met." >Serenity: "And I am your Princess." SERENA: Hmm. . . Not a single trace of humility. AMY (as Crystal Knight): I'll have to try harder. SERENA: No, just lock her in a room with the real Raye. That'll deflate her ego damn quick. >Darien and Serenity kiss. DARIEN (singing): Was that an episode you missed? Chances are you missed a few, so don't forget, it's new to you! >Else where.... SERENA: Else who? MINA: Else what? AMY: Else when? RAYE: Else why? LITA: Else how? >Dark Baron: How foolish, that Serenity wastes her time on Romance. DARIEN (as Dark Baron): She should be reading sci-fi and mysteries! >She has >to >be stopped!" AMY (as hunchback-lackey): Yeah, boss! You tell her! SERENA (as Dark Baron, in a Grand Moff Tarkin voice): Your encouragement is unnecessary and I find you odious and distasteful. Not only that, but your fashion-sense is extremely loathsome and your bodily odor a wafting fragrance which brings to mind the horrendous stench of a dead body which has been lying in a sewage-treatment facility for several days. Your mind is made of and filled with green cheese and severely atrophied in addition, as are your muscles and other, more 'personal' parts of your physical anatomy. AMY (lackey): Permission to scuttle away in self-loathing, Master? SERENA (Baron): Permission granted. Remove your pathetic and unappealing self from my presence as quickly as possible. AMY (lackey): Thank you, Master. >Next Episode: "Serenity And Lita's Double Date!" SERENA: Oh God, please no. Please let this not be what I think it is! MINA: Care to make a bet? SERENA: NO. LUNA'S VOICE: The pizza-rocket's here. SERENA: Boy, they're quick. Darien, you got change for the tip? DARIEN: Oh, damn, I think I left it in my tuxedo. Hold on a second. . . (opens his HammerSpace and starts rummaging around) FORRESTER: Since the chapter is over, I'll let you out of the theater. Besides, I don't think your kitty pal has money on her. (Mystery Sailor Theater 3000 door sequence) <@> <2> <3> <4> <5> <6> (The Scouts are sitting around the SOL bridge eating their pizza). LITA: Boy, does this taste good. AMY: We needed it to drive away the taste of that bad fanfic. SERENA: Why do people like Crystal Knight keep writing? You'd think that they would have been flamed into oblivion by now. DARIEN: Well, Meatball Head, I think it's like this. People like that. . . SERENA: Get their kicks on cheap thrills. VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: Okay, lab rats, break time's over! RAYE: Hold it right there, Frizzy. We didn't hear any buzzers go off, and we're eating. DR. FORRESTER: This invention's too good to wait for the next Exchange. MINA: And this pizza's too good to wait for us to see your invention. FRANK: Oooh, what's on it? Can you send me down a slice? DR. FORRESTER: FRANK! Listen up, Sailor Failures, you do what I tell you or I cut off your oxygen. Mercury, Venus, Jupiter. . .on your feet! (Amy, Mina and Lita get up, grumbling). Now, I after I hit you with this beam, you can transform. . . ALL: TRANSFORM? LITA: You mean you're going to give us back our powers? DR. FORRESTER: Just you wait and see what happens. (He aims a beam at them, similar to the one used in his previous invention). Now, do your thing! (The girls cry out their transformations - but they're in a non-English, non-Japanese language). SERENA: The hell? DR. FORRESTER: Preeesenting: THE POLISHIZER! They've been turned Polish! ALL: POLISH? DR. FORRSTER: Okay, Mercury, let's see your attack! (Amy stares at him quizzically for a moment, then gives a "what the hell" shrug and prepares to launch Mercury Bubbles Blast). AMY: SOAP JAM! ALL: NANI? (Amy, baffled, tries Shine Aqua Illusion instead. . .) AMY: LIVE WATER WILL GIVE HEALTH! SERENA: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER? RAYE: What the hell kind of lame attacks are these? (Mina shouts something angry at Forrester in Polish, then prepares to launch Venus Crescent Beam Smash at him. . .) MINA: PEA BEAN! (She recoils in horror, then tries Venus Love and Beauty Shock instead). GOLDEN HEARTS MAGIC CIRCLE! (Forrester and Frank are nearly doubled over in hysterics) DARIEN: THIS ISN'T FUNNY! CHANGE THEM BACK! WHO THE HELL WOULD THINK THESE ARE REAL ATTACKS? FORRESTER: (still laughing himself silly): These. . .HAHAHAHA. . .are. . .(gasp). . .real. . .attacks. . .from the. . .from the. . .HAHAHAHA. . . LITA (attempting to launch Jupiter Oak Evolution): JUPITER MOONS, ATTACK! FRANK (still laughing): The fun's just starting. . .HAHAHAHA. . .now we're going to do the other two. . .HAHAHAHA. . .(He throws a switch on the Polishizer). FORRESTER: Frank. . .HAHAHAHA. . .you idiot. . .HAHAHA. . .that was. . .the. . .the. . .HAHAHAHA. . .reverse switch. . .now they're back to normal. . .HAHAHA. . .(On the SOL, we see that the girls have spontaneously detransformed). . .and I have no choice but. . .to. . .to. . .HAHAHAHA. . .kill. . .you. . .(Both Forrester and Frank burst out laughing hysterically again. Forrester starts to choke Frank, but the act strikes both of them as hilarious, and they burst out in a fresh explosion of laughter, falling over on the "send fanfic" button). AMY: Thank the Gods that's over! MINA: What did he do to us? AMY: As far as I can figure out, those are actual attacks from the Polish version of Sailor Moon. If I could get a look at that machine. . .(The alarms start going off). SERENA: You'll have to look at it later, because WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIGN!!! RAYE: Hey, we didn't get a chance to finish our pizza! <6> <5> <4> <3> <2> <@> >Sailor Moon:Fantasy [Hentai] >Episode:06 >"Serenity And Lita's Double Date!" >By: The Crystal Knight DARIEN: You know, there's actually a porn queen named Crystal Knight. LITA: And you know this because? DARIEN (sweatdropping): Somebody sent me a hentai catalog as a joke. . . RAYE: Oh? And why should we believe that? SERENA: (icy) Darien. . . VOICE OF FRANK: Believe it. I was the one who sent him the catalog. Hee, hee. hee. . . . >E-mail:EchoHeart9@aol.com >Note: This fan fiction contains DARIEN: Thousands of misspellings, a total lack of knowledge about human bodies and behavior and an overall juvenile attitude. LITA: In other words. . .(as Kyle from South Park) It sucks ass, dude! >words and descriptions of nudity and sex. >Read >at your own risk! Now on to the story! >********************************************************** DARIEN: Head and Shoulders. . .for your toughest dandruff! >Lita: "What does it feel like to be married?" SERENA: Well, kind of warm and squishy. Either that or my baby just crapped her pants again. DARIEN: NANI??? BABY? WHAT BABY? We don't have a baby - you're still in school! >Serenity: "It's like a dream come true." SERENA: Or, in this case, a nightmare. >Lita: "Darien treats you well, doesn't he?" >Serenity: "Yes." SERENA: If being held at home all the time, taking nonsensical walks at all hours of the day and night, treated like a blow-up doll and having to grin and bear it is being treated well, then yes. >Lita: "What are you and Darien going to do tonight?" LITA (as Serenity): Oh, just another killing spree. You? RAYE: Hey! The dark lines are MY department! >Serenity: "We are going out on a date." SERENA: Why do I get a feeling it'll be to "Sizzler" again? >Lita: "How about a double date?" >Serenity: "Sounds good." MINA: I have a feeling we're going to be regretting the pizza later on. >Lita: "Okay, it's settled. I will see you later tonight. Bye." >Serenity: "Bye." >Lita left. Serenity then went for a walk. AMY: Why does Serenity always go for walks? SERENA: Because that's the author's way of getting her into a Negaverse trap. >Then she was attacked by Dark >Baron >and his new monster called: Demontor. SERENA: 'Demontor,' huh? I've heard lamer names from Beryl. >He was ugly and had several arms. SERENA: Oh, it's Crystal Knight! >It >looked like he was ready for a fight. Serenity called for her powers. RAYE: SOOOOEEEEE! LITA: Here, Powers, Powers! Here, Powers, Powers! Be a good little Powers and come to Mommy. . . >Serenity: "Fantasy Moon Power!" >Serenity transformed into Fantasy Sailor Moon. AMY: You know, as obsessive as this fanboy is, you'd think that he'd put more detail into that transformation. MINA: Count your blessings. >Fantasy Sailor Moon: Give me your best shot!" >Demontor knocked Fantasy Sailor Moon down and planned to strike her. SERENA: That's something like 'threatening to flame' somebody. >Then >the >Sailor Scouts appeared! ALL: YAAAYYY!!! (cheering, applause, whistling) >Sailor Venus: "You will not harm her, Venus Love me Chain, smash!" MINA: That's "Venus Love-Me Chain" or "Venus Love Chain Encircle." Funny, I've never used that thing to actually 'encircle' somebody. >Sailor Mars: "Mars Celestial Fire, Blast!" RAYE: "Mars Celestial Fire Surround" - but its REAL name is "Burning Mandala." >Sailor Jupiter: "Jupiter Dragon Strike!" LITA: Jupiter Thunder. . .oh, what's the use? >Demontor turned into dust. ALL: Huh? SERENA: I don't mean to be egotistical, but without me it just ain't that easy. MINA: You said it, Serena. Either the youma got tougher or I got weaker when I came to Tokyo. >Fantasy Sailor Moon: "Thanks, guys!" >Sailor Mercury: "Are you okay?" DARIEN (as Serenity): Other than the lobotomy I got for this fic? Yes. >Fantasy Sailor Moon: "Yes I am thanks. Hey, I have to go. Bye." >Fantasy Sailor Moon detransformed and continued on her walk. SERENA: Hey what!? Out in public!? Is she NUTS? >********************************************************** >That night. AMY: Twenty inches of snow fell. >Lita and Ken arrived at Darien and Serenity's apartment. >Darien: "Welcome. Make yourselves at home." >Ken: "Thanks." MINA (as Lita): Some new curtains here, a throw rug over there, some pillows here. . . >First they had dinner, then Serenity and Lita went into one of the bedrooms. >Serenity: "You look nice." >Lita: "So do you." RAYE: WARNING! WARNING! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! UNCONVENTIONAL LESBIAN COUPLING DEAD AHEAD! >Serenity takes off her clothes. (Serena grits her teeth and begins a slow burn) LITA: Can she *ever* keep her clothes on for more than five minutes? DARIEN: Five minutes? My, you're being generous. >Lita: "What are you going to do now?" SERENA: I'm painting the cat, what does it look like? >Serenity: "I am going to play with myself. Want to help?" >Lita: "Sure." ALL: (loud groans of protest) >Lita then takes off her clothes. >Lita: "What do you want me to do?" >Serenity: "Please suck MINA: Why not? It puts you on par with the fanfic. >my nipples and play with my SERENA: Copy of "Unreal." MINA: Trying to delay the inevitable pain, Serena? SERENA: Is that so bad? OTHERS: NO. >breasts." >Lita: "Okay." >Lita begins sucking Serenity's breasts. Ken and Darien noticed that Serenity >and Lita were playing with each other. SERENA: After the best-of-three round of Diablo, the two moved on to an Unreal deathmatch before joining forces for the Sailor Moon Quake Total Conversion. >Darien was the first to take off his >clothes. Then Ken was next. DARIEN: NO! NOT A YAOI SCENE! SERENA (praying): Please let it be bearable, please let it be bearable. . . >Lita: "May I suck you penis?" RAYE: Try addressing the man it's attached to, not the penis itself. Contrary to popular belief, they *don't* have minds of their own. >Darien: "If Serenity don't care." SERENA: I CARE! I CARE! AMY: Amazing. I'm getting numb to the grammar crap. >Serenity: "Nope, go ahead." ALL: (shouts of anger and objects thrown at the screen) SERENA: You lab-coated skunk! I'm going to nail you to a chair, sew your eyes open and force you to read lemons about Battle Area Toshinden! FORRESTER: Been there, done that. >Lita began sucked Darien's penis and Serenity did the same to Ken. DARIEN: We seem to have a theme in the lemon scenes this time, people. Most of the sex has been female-on-male oral. Ever hear of giving the *woman* pleasure, Crystal Knight? >Later Ken >put his penis inside Lita and Darien did the same for Serenity. MINA: Is this guy writing at a fifth-grade level on purpose? SERENA: If he really is a fifth-grader, I sure hope his parents discover what he's been doing on the internet and put a stop to it! If Reenie wrote something like this, she'd be grounded for a thousand years! AMY: Because of the explicitness, or because it's so terrible? SERENA: Yes. >Pleasure >over >too Serenity and Lita. The pleasures was SERENA: I don't think I need to do anything but point this out. >over taking their minds. MINA: As the pain is taking over ours. AMY: Try to fight it, Mina-chan, try to fight it. >Later, they felt satisfied. >Serenity: "I had a good time." >Ken: "Same here." >Darien: "Yeah." >Lita: "Ditto." RAYE (maximum sarcasm): Such deep, soul-searching dialogue! Why, I feel like I know all of these people intimately! >Ken: "We have to go." >Serenity: "Bye." >Lita and Ken left. >Serenity: "I love you." >Darien: "So do I." DARIEN (as himself in the fic): I love me! I love me soooo much! >Serenity and Darien stayed together for the rest of the evening. >Next Episode: "Serenity Becomes Pregnant Part 1" ALL: (howling fits of laughter) SERENA: The pain *was* beginning to wear off. Now it's been replaced with this fanfic's absolutely stupifying effect. DARIEN: He's going to take *two parts* to describe how she gets pregnant? I don't think he had a lemon scene longer than a paragraph in this fic! LITA: You say that as if it were a Bad Thing. RAYE: Come on, let's get the hell out of here. <@> <2> <3> <4> <5> <6> (INT: SOL2 bridge) SERENA: Well, another two hours of our precious lives down the tubes. AMY: What did you learn from this episode, Serena? SERENA: That Crystal Knight knows nothing about our characters and even less about sex. MINA: I learned that there are seven different words for 'murder' in Greek. DARIEN: I learned that people like Crystal Knight are the Energizer Bunnies of the fanfic world. No matter how many people flame them, they just keep going and going and going. . . (All give dejected sighs). AMY: Well, these might make us feel a bit better. Dr. Forrester keeps putting our experiments on the Net, and we keep getting letters about them. Take a look: << Subj: Lookin forward to the next one! Date: 98-08-20 01:57:31 EDT From: kcarson@globalserve.net (Kris Carson) Reply-to: kcarson@globalserve.net To: ambersesht@AOL.COM Wow man I just read "MST Trilogy of Trash" on http://moonromance.simplenet.com/h.htm and I gotta say you are a buncha the funniest guys Ive ever witnessed. (or should I say 'girls'. Ive heard the scouts make fun of peoples replies too. Heheh) I really look forward to reading your future works. (especially 'evening at lita's. 'Da hell was that?!?) Please continue to spread your bitchin brand of comedy throughout the net (especially the url I listed cause thats probably where Ill find it) and know that your sense of humor is widely appreciated. Thanks again for the laughs! Kristopher>> SERENA: You're very much welcome, Kristopher! If people enjoy reading what we're doing, at least we feel that we're not suffering in vain. LITA: Only. . .what was that he said about "Evening at Lita's?" You don't think he knows something we don't, do you? MINA: Oh, come on. Not even Forrester is sick enough to send us "Evening at Lita's." (She looks around at the others, who are sweatdropping and facevaulting). What? SERENA: Maybe we'd better move on to the next e-mail, Amy. . . AMY: Okay. . .this is rather a strange one. . . << Subj: Comments on your misting "Trilogy Of Trash" Date: 98-08-11 23:03:48 EDT From: glocogis@juno.com (X) Reply-to: glocogis@juno.com To: AmberSesht@aol.com [Message sent by X , through Web Site Number 9] Great job on "Trilogy of Trash"! I especially like the way the Sailors and Tux boy went ballistic during that Chibi-usa rape fic. BTW, I have a sick thought for you. Insted of a Sailor Moon character having sex with Chibi-usa, how about Eric Cartman or Kenny McCormick from South Park? I'm thinking about writing that so it can be riffed by you. What do you think? The X-treme One X >> ALL: NANI? DARIEN: What do I think? I'll tell you what I think. You write a fic like that, and I'll fill your mailbox so full of Mega Super Ultra Deluxe Cyber Rose Bombs that your hard drive will implode. And then I'll hunt you down and pull every hair out of your head one by one. . . SERENA: And while he's doing that, I'll be pouring hot wax into your eyeballs. Slowly. Drop by drop. . . AMY: Well, maybe I can be a bit more objective. . .X-treme one, we appreciate that you liked our riffing, but we don't want you to write the kind of fic you described. For one thing, Reenie hentai is just plain sick. . . LITA: And for another thing, there would be no fun in riffing a fic that was written *just* to be MSTed. Forrester wouldn't want to send it to us anyway. SERENA: And X-treme one, if you do decide to write that fic, think hard about these words first. . .honey and red ants. AMY: What do you think, sirs? (Deep 13. Forrester is tinkering with the Polishizer.) DR. FORRESTER: You screwed this thing up but good, Frank. Now get over here and help me. . .FRANK! What are you doing? FRANK: Oh, sorry, Steve, just wanted to check my e-mail. I sent out my first fic as the Hentai Dude the other day, and I'm waiting to hear back from the Web site administrators. . . DR. FORRESTER: Well, make it snappy. I'm going to need that computer in a few minutes to download "Evening at Lita's." That letter that the lab rats read gave me an idea. . . FRANK: AAAAUUUGGHHHH! NO! NO! IT CAN'T BE! DR. FORRESTER: Frank, will you please stop whining? You give me a migraine when you. . . FRANK: It's from Artemis and Luna. . . "Dear Hentai Dude: Your fic gave us hairballs. No way are we publishing it. Get it the hell out of our sight." AAAUUUGGHHH!!! MY DREAM IS SHATTERED. . . DR. FORRESTER: Oh, for God's sake! It's just one Web site, Frank! FRANK: Cute Cuddly Anime. . .same thing. . .Sakura Lemon. . . "Your fic left a sour taste in our mouths. . ." AAAUUUGGHHH! NO ONE WANTS ME! I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE AND PENNILESS! DR. FORRESTER: FRANK! SHUT UP! GEEZ LOUISE, IT'S JUST A FANFIC! It's not anything earth-shattering. . . FRANK: Wait a second. . .that's it! Earth shattering! I'll do another story. . .and I'll set it during an EARTHQUAKE! Serena will be trapped with Raye and Haruka and her own brother and a crate of cucumbers. . .and meanwhile, Darien and Mina and Artemis will be stuck in a leather goods store. . .and Lita will be trapped in a hot fudge factory with Amy and Andrew and Michiru and. . . DR. FORRESTER: Frank, just shut up and push the button! FRANK: Don't disturb me! I'm an artist in the midst of a creative vision! And then Amy will be trapped in a swimming pool filled with green jelly with Luna and a bunch of tentacle monsters, and. . . DR. FORRESTER: FRANK! PUSH! THE! BUTTON! FRANK: . . .and then, Sailor Pluto drops in on Sailor Saturn right before the quake hits, and then I'll bring Ranma and Akane in on a crossover, and they'll join the fun, and then. . .UUURRGGGGHHH!!! (Forrester is choking him). DR. FORRESTER: Push that button, or the only thing you will be writing is your own obituary! Push the. . .(Frank's arms have been flailing around madly, and one accidentally hits the button). *PHOOOOOOOFFF* (Fade in on Haruka's apartment, where Michiru is adjusting a TV camera. Joel Robinson is wearing a lab coat, similar to Forrester's, and a bushy grey wig. He is in the process of applying a fake mustache). JOEL: The one thing Forrester fears is the Mad Scientist Council. If they tell him he's getting out of control, he'll stop the experiment. HARUKA: Are you sure he won't recognize you? JOEL: He probably doesn't even think I survived the trip back to Earth. If he did, he'd be trying to hunt me down and recapture me. Now, I think we're almost ready to do a test shot. . . (There is a knock at the door). MICHIRU: I'll get it. (She opens the front door, and sees Hotaru and Reenie). HOTARU: We've come to help. REENIE: We want to help get my mom and dad off that satellite. MICHIRU: Girls, I don't think you should. . . (They push past her into the living room). HARUKA: What are you two doing here? REENIE: We want to help bring my parents home. HOTARU: Yeah! We want to find that Dr. Forrester and. . . HARUKA: Oh, no you don't. He's too dangerous. I don't want you two getting involved. This is work for women. . .not girls. REENIE: But Haruka. . . HARUKA: No buts! He's already grabbed the Starlights and I won't have him grabbing you too! (She sees their faces fall and changes her tone of voice so it's much more gentle). Look, Reenie. . .I know you're worried. I'm worried, too. But the best thing you can do for them right now is stay out of the way. MICHIRU: We'll bring them home. . .I promise you. (Reenie and Hotaru look at each other). REENIE: You really do promise? MICHIRU: Cross my heart. Now, why don't you run along home. . . (The girls leave, as Joel comes into the living room). JOEL: I think we've got a major problem. I tried sending a test signal to Deep 13, and it wasn't working. I think that channel's blocked, Frank must have screwed it up somehow. . .what's wrong? HARUKA: Michiru. . .are you thinking what I'm thinking? MICHIRU: We'd better keep an eye on those girls. . .I have a very bad feeling. . . (They embrace). (Cut to outside, where Reenie and Hotaru are leaving). HOTARU: I *told* you they wouldn't go for it! REENIE: So. . .why couldn't we go to Gizmonic Institute ourselves? We could teleport there. . . HOTARU: I don't know, Reenie. . . REENIE: Come on! I can call on Pegasus to help us. It's not as if we'll be doing it alone. . . HOTARU: Well. . .all right. Let's do it! REENIE: Cool! MOON CRISIS POWER. . .MAKE UP! HOTARU: SATURN PLANET POWER. . .MAKE UP! (As the girls transform, the camera pans to the sky, where an ominous shadow passes across the moon. . .) (Fade to black) (Fade in on the SOL1) MIKE: Well guys, that experiment wasn't so bad. CROW: Yeah, but they'll get worse again just as soon as Forrester gets tired of his new toys. SERENA'S VOICE: I *heard* that. CROW: Sorry. FORRESTER: Well, I see that the eleven of you are getting along. MIKE: So to speak. We only ever really talk to Serena and Amy. FORRESTER: My attempts to break their spirits are coming along at about the same rate as my similar attempts on you. MIKE: So you'll be finished with them sometime around the year one million? FORRESTER: Just keep cracking wise, Nelson. MIKE: No plans to stop yet. FRANK: I thought "The Postman" had no soul - it was just another endless Costnerama. TOM: But pretty weird - I mean, who would believe that almost all technology would cease to function. . . with the exception of M16 battle rifles? And what was with that beautiful yet creepy girl? CROW: You already inflicted this song on Joel, do you have to screw up Mike, too? TAIKI: Uhm, hey guys. . . this is Taiki Kou, you know, one of the girl/boys stuck on the SOL3? I need to get through to Amy. MIKE: What do we look like, a shuttle? You've got maneuvering thrusters. Just don't get cocky. We've got multi-million dollar unmanned satellites floatin' around here and you wouldn't believe the damage one of those suckers can do to one of these tin cans. (fade to black) FORRESTER'S VOICE: Where's that service guy when you need him? Frank, any enlightenment from the maintenance manual? FRANK: Just a pain in my head from it falling on me. Who knew it was so big? AUTHOR'S NOTES: Yes, those Polish attack names were real. We got the idea from a post by Rafal Strzelecki of Warsaw, Poland to alt.hentai.sailor-moon about the dub that was done in his native language. In addition to the attack names used in the host segment, he reported that "Submarine Reflection" is called "Mirror-Disappearer," the name of the show is "Sorceress From the Moon," Sailor Lead Crow is known as "Fire Sorceress," and the last two episodes of the first season were eliminated entirely! What, did they explain it away by saying that Beryl got tired of fighting, retreated to her summer home and released Prince Endymion from bondage? As always, this work is not an attack on the poster, just on what he posted. Thanks to everyone who's written to us about our MSTings. We're still blown away by the response we've gotten! Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson. Sailor Moon was created by Naoko Takeuchi. None of these characters are ours, we're just borrowing them for a little while. . . Keep circulating the fansubs. . . >"I am going to play with myself. Want to help?"