MYSTERY SAILOR THEATER 3000 EPISODE 103: "Trilogy of Trash" MSTed by Sailor Mac (AmberSesht@aol.com) and Mark Berger (mberger8837@VAX2.WINONA.MSUS.EDU) Warning: Reading this fic over and over can cause discomfort in certain areas of your body. Your head and your stomach. NOTE: The host segments in this MSTing are based on the MST3K 4th season episode "Manos: The Hands of Fate." For you non-MSTies: "Manos" is, without a doubt, the worst movie ever made. It's about an all-American family who stumble upon a Satanic cult - consisting of Torgo, a bizarre goat-man with a quavering voice and huge kneecaps, the Master, who runs around bellowing at the top of his lungs wearing a black and red caftan, and the Master's harem of bickering brides. This movie was made by a fertilizer salesman from Texas. You'd think that a fertilizer salesman would know crap when he saw (or made) it. WARNING: The MSTed fics contain bizarre sexual subjects, particularly the third. Best Brains, Inc. and Toei Productions present. . . A Moon and Rose MSTing. . . Love Theme from Mystery Sailor Theater 3,000 (obviously to the tune of "Love Theme from Mystery Science Theater 3,000) In the not-too-distant future, Way down in Deep Thirteen, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank, Were hatching an Evil Scheme. They caught a girl called Sailor Moon, Just a teenage girl who liked to sleep till noon, Their experiment needed a good test case, So they signed up with the Negaverse And shot her into space (Get me down!) We'll send her cheesy fanfics, The worst we can find (la-la-la) She'll have to sit and read them all, And we'll monitor her mind (la-la-la) Now keep in mind Serena can't control, Where the fanfics begin or end (la-la-la), She'll try to keep her sanity With the help of her Sailor friends. Sailor Roll Call: Venus! Jupiter! Mercury! Maaars! If you're wondering how she eats and breathes and other science facts (la la la), Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show, I should really just relax For Mystery Sailor Theater 3000!" --- <@><2><3><4><5><6> SERENA: Hey, toss that extension cord over here, Amy. AMY: Sure thing, Serena. SERENA: Oh, hi there. Welcome to the SOL2. You know us, the Sailor Scouts. . . DARIEN: . . . And Tuxedo Mask. SERENA: How could I ever forget, Muffin? Anyway, we're getting ready for today's invention exchange. . . Raye, I need you to turn that floodlight about thirty degrees to the left. . . Mina. . . MINA! Look out, you almost tripped over the invention! MINA: Sorry. LITA: Serena, I've found another cache of food stores downstairs. I'm going to need Amy later on to catalog what we've got down there. SERENA: Fine, Lita. I won't need her here for much longer. MAGIC VOICE: Commercial Sign in ten seconds. SERENA: So anyway, we'll see you in a few. Right now, we've got commercial sign. SERENA: We're back, and the invention's finally set up. ALL: Ohh, Dr. Forrester. . . FORRESTER: WHAT!? Frank, get that thing plugged in, right NOW! So, my little space cadets, and their big bad boy scout, what can I do for you? SERENA: Well, to start with, you can get us off this Satellite, but I don't see much chance of that happening. We're ready for the invention exchange. FORRESTER: Oh, very well. Today I've got an invention that'll knock your socks off. . . literally. TV's Frank will demonstrate. FRANK: Well, as you know, static electricity builds up in all clothing, but especially in socks. We've harnessed this fact to bring to you. . . the Sock Magnet. FORRESTER: Simply plug the Sock Magnet's powerful electromagnetic attractor plate into any standard 110-volt, 60-Hz power outlet and turn it on. It will instantly attract any dryer-fresh socks in the room. SERENA: Wow! You've actually managed to come up with something useful! Now, our invention today is something totally different. We've taken one of the problems of United States President Bill Clinton and come up with a way to circumvent it. We call it the 'Tripp Wire.' Amy? AMY: Attach this device to any sound-transmission device and it will add a white-noise signal that will not interfere with the conversation in any way, but will render it utterly unrecordable. Why don't you replay your recording of this conversation to prove that it works? FORRESTER: All right, I'll do that. TORGO: HeLLo, WHo ArE YOu? I am TORGO. I deLIVER PiZZa FoR the MASTER. SERENA: The MASTER? AMY: Experiment number 424 on the other Satellite - "'Manos' The Hands of Fate." SERENA: Uh, yeah, Torgo, your MASTER is trapped up here on the Satellite of Love by Dr. Forrester! You'd better help him if you know what's good for you! RAYE: Who is this guy? If he buys that, he really *is* brain- dead. LITA: Serena, you're insane! TORGO: ThE MASTER doESn't apPROVE of. . . such DEviceS. SERENA: Exactly! So why don't you help him get down? TORGO: PrOVE TO me that ThE MASTER is UP thERE. SERENA: We will. . . Soon. He's resting. You know how the MASTER needs his rest. TORGO: I dO. FRANK: Well what do you. . . It really works! FORRESTER: Hey, Torgo - oh well, I guess this means we don't have to tip him. Well, my pretties, your experiment today is "Trilogy of Trash," three extraordinarily poor shorts. . . DARIEN: Given to us by two extraordinarily poor sports. . . FORRESTER: Just for that little wisecrack, I'll start you off with the Blue Winged Angel 'classic,' "Lovers." Push the button, Frank. FRANK: Consider it done! MINA: Nice going, Darien. SERENA: AAUGH! We've got LEMON-SIIIIGN!!! <6><5><4><3><2><@> SERENA: Don't worry, Mina - it'll work out. We play the Satan Women, Darien plays the Master and Luna gets to be the Horrifying Hell Beast. LUNA'S VOICE: Don't count on it, Serena. MINA: Do you really want to go through with this idea, Serena? SERENA: What do you mean, it's a great idea. Torgo's stupid, remember? You do want to get home, don't you? LOVERS by Blue-Winged Angel It was a cold Saturday night in Japan. LITA (as Snoopy): It was a dark and stormy night. . . SERENA: Y'know, Lita, everybody talks about the weather but nobody does anything about it. A tall, black-haired man walked up to a lovely a lovely SERENA: 'A lovely a lovely?' Don't tell me that Torgo's writing fanfic now. RAYE: No, the author's stuck! SERENA: This mean we can leave? MINA: Don't bet on it. house in Minato-ku. He rang the doorbell and yelled out a name. DARIEN (as Marlon Brando): STELLAAAA!!! SERENA: ROSEBUD!!! A young, feminine voice answered him and opened the door. AMY: A young feminine voice opened the door? SERENA: The voice that launched a thousand ships. . . " It's about time." " Time for what?" LITA: It's time for the FAMILY FEUD! " Time for our romantic evening." " Okay, let's get started." MINA: Can we have *any* indication at all of who's speaking to whom? AMY: It's supposed to be suspense. . . I think. They went to a very fancy restaurant about a block away. SERENA: How convenient. Bet it's "Chez Negaverse." There they chatted and ate the best cuisine in Japan ever made. SERENA: Okay, "Chez Lita," then. After the romantic dinner, they went dancing in a very classy place, there they drank wine and had fun. MINA: Thrill to the greatest description since "Enterprized!" Soon after, they decided to go back home to rest. But rest wasn't what actually happened to the two lovebirds. RAYE: Tragically, they had come to the edge of a cliff. Before they knew what was happening, they tumbled into the abyss. . . AMY: A little dark this morning, Raye? MINA: She's a little dark every morning. AMY: It's the writers' fault - they decided that Raye would be a good Scout to give the dark lines. MINA: And Darien and Serena to give the sexual-double-entendre jokes. SERENA: Don't be coy, I want *names.* The blonde-haired, gentle young women went to the restroom to do something RAYE: Snort cocaine. MINA: Serena, are you sure you want names? and the young man went into his bedroom to do something. DARIEN: It involved that stack of Playboy magazines under his bed. . . AMY: How descriptive. Reminds me of 'I don't know how long.' MINA: This is Blue Winged Angel, remember? Later on, after they did what they needed to do, they went to the living room and talked about the fun they had that night. SERENA: Does Blue Winged Angel take writing lessons from Stephen Ratliff? " Seiya, this is great, you are such a great boyfriend." " Odango, I love you and I want you to be happy." SERENA: Yeah, right. " Yes, Seiya, whenever I'm with you I'm happy." " Me too, I love you." " I love you, too." ALL: I love you, yeah yeah, now and forever. . . LITA: Hey, Blue-Winged Angel - see that button to the right of your quotation mark key? That's your return key. You press it whenever someone finishes speaking. They started to kiss and take of each other's clothes. Seiya took off his girl's dress and Usagi took off her man's tuxedo. RAYE: AAAAUUUGGGHHH!! Darien's there, too! It's a threesome! AMY: That'd be Mamoru in this story. SERENA: Don't *EVEN,* Raye. RAYE: Dude. SERENA: Dude. RAYE: DUDE. SERENA: DUDE. RAYE:DUDE!!! SERENA: Whoa! MINA: The "BASEketball" sketch, ladies and gentlemen. They kissed each other until they reached Seiya's bedroom. " Seiya, I love you." " I love you too. Now I'm going to express my love to you." " Let me go first." " Okay, but hurry, I can't wait." Usagi tied his wrists to the railing of the bed ALL: NO! NOT A BONDAGE LEMON!!! SERENA: What the HECK!? Since when is Usagi a sadist? and then she took off his undershirt. DARIEN and MINA: Um, isn't that kind of hard to do when his wrists are bound to the bed? She started to caress his chest. Seiya moaned. Then she kissed him passionately before he could moan again. She kissed him again and again and then she French-kissed him. LITA: And the Crystal Knight Memorial Award for Redundancy goes to. . . AMY: Try a little something, Nicole. It's called "Description." You know, tell how they kissed, don't just say they "french-kissed" and leave it at that. SERENA: You sure, Amy? Seiya's wrists were aching because he was trying to break free SERENA: So he could run from the fanfic as though his life depended on it! but she tied it too tight. MINA: U. . . sa. . . gi. . . I. . . can't. . . breathe! Seiya moaned again. DARIEN: What is this, "Misery"? GIRLS: They say misery/Loves company. We can start a company, And make misery. . . Then, Usagi started to lick her lips in pleasure while pulling off his boxers. She then licked him all over, Seiya moaned and groaned. She started to rub her slender body against his, seducing him into doing the same back to her. She then untied him and gave him the rope. RAYE: Which he then used to hang himself, because he could see no other way out of this fic. SERENA: Raye, what have the Mads been feeding you to make you this dark? DR. FORRESTER: Oh, only six kilograms of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese a day. It's another part of my experiment: How much food do anime girls have to eat before they start putting on weight? SERENA: That's inhuman! DR. FORRESTER: No, Onna-Ranma's capacity for food is inhuman - One of my associates is experimenting with Ranma, some of his friends, and a hapless booby who got caught in the crossfire. " Now it's your turn to moan and groan with pleasure. You only did the easy work, I'll do the hard work." " Yes, Seiya, hurry!" AMY: Insano-masochism. . . He tied her wrists to the railing of the bed. Then he licked his lips and started to kiss her more passionately then anyone has ever kissed her before. MINA: Somehow I doubt that. He French-kissed her and then unlocked DARIEN: Door number two, and behind it was a NEW CAR!!! (All imitate cheering noises). SERENA: How 'bout a Valkyrie Fighter instead? AMY: Can you fly it, Serena? SERENA: Sure! I got all the way to the last mission in "Macross VF-X Digital Mission." If we use the VF-1D two-seater and do some creative squeezing, we can all get off this Satellite in one trip! Let's see. . . Darien and Luna in the front with me. . . MINA: Why do the four of us have to share a seat when you only have to share one with Darien and Luna? SERENA: Because I need to be able to reach the controls and see in order to fly the plane, that's why. MINA: Oh. the kiss. He looked into her eyes and then caressed her body. Then he took off her lingerie and caressed her naked body with pleasure. He licked her all around. " Ooohhh, Seiya! Hurry, hurry." LITA (as Usagi): We're gonna be late for the Monster Truck Rally! But Seiya did not hurry, but even took a longer time seducing her in all possible ways. He tickled her and licked the tips of her breasts. SERENA: That would be "nipples," then. MINA: Speaking of. . . Hey, Tim Burton! Please say you'll direct the next Batman flick! We're sick of the Joel Schumacher look! SERENA: Yeah, and Mr. Freeze should have been played by Patrick Stewart, not that musclebound cretin Schwarzenegger! He gently took her legs and spread them. Then he shook his head, DARIEN: In disbelief that any Web site would publish this thing. and instead he kept on seducing her until she couldn't take it anymore. SERENA : Did Nicole learn a new word in school today? 'Seducing' and 'making love' are not synonymous. Seduction goes first. " Seiya! Ohhh, Seiya. I can't stand it! Make love to me!" That's exactly what he wanted to hear. He spread out her legs RAYE: He spread them before. Now he's spreading them again. Her ankles must be touching her ears by now. and then took one look at her and kissed her. Then he did it, he gently put his body on top of hers and started to squeeze his penis into her vagina. DARIEN (as Seiya): Ugghhh. . .uggghhh. . .won't fit! Dammit, where'd I put that shoehorn? SERENA: It's just/A little crush, Not like I faint/Every time we touch. . . " Aaahhh, Ooohhh!" She moaned and groaned and so did Seiya. " Don't stop. Keep going. I want more!" SERENA: But how did you get the Spice Girls into the paella? " Odango!" " Seiya!" " Aahhh, Seiya! Don't stop! I want you, I need you, I love you!" LITA: He's sleeping with Elvis! MINA: Any other author would probably have used Seiya's 'other half' as well in a lemon like this. SERENA: Well whattaya know, there *is* something good about Blue Winged Angel after all! AMY (as Jimmy Stewart): It *IS* a wonderful life! " Odango!" " Ohhhhhh, more!" " Odango!" " Ooohhhh, Seiya! Don't stop! We can go on forever!" " Odango!" They stopped. RAYE: Thought she said they could go on forever. LITA: And the Crystal Knight Memorial Award for Sexual Ignorance goes to. . . SERENA: She appears to be channeling Crystal Knight. MINA: But he's not dead. SERENA: Okay, she's channeling Crystal Knight's *talent.* Seiya untied Usagi. They were both out of breath. " Oh, Seiya. I never witnessed such pleasure!" RAYE: Since when does she watch porn? SERENA AND DARIEN: Since never. " There's more to come!" They started again only this time Seiya didn't tie Usagi's wrists and this time he licked her for a long time. She moaned and groaned. He started to make love to her and kiss her at the same time, which was a hard thing to do. DARIEN: No, it's not. We do it all the time. MINA, RAYE, LITA, AMY: Details? SERENA and DARIEN: Maybe later. VOICE OF FORRESTER: Really? But he managed SERENA: The Minnesota Twins, which explains why they've been losing for the last five years. , for he loved her too much. " Oooooohhhhhhhh, Seiya!" She screamed out for the rest of the night. ALL: After they were all done, they started to talk. SERENA: That'll happen. LITA (as Seiya): So, how 'bout them Yankees? " Seiya, I loved it all, you were so good." " Odango, It was perfect. I can't believe that we did it 10 times in a row." ALL: TEN TIMES IN A ROW?!?!??!? AMY: No guy has that kind of stamina! DARIEN: I'd be in a coma! SERENA: I'd be *dead.* Of course, I'd be dead before you'd catch me in bed with Seiya. . . " That's how much we love each other." " I love you much more, but I'm tired. SERENA: After ten times, I should hope so! If I was a person that could never get tired, we could have done it a million times a night." " Seiya, that would be too much to handle." " Not too much for someone I truly love." " Maybe, tomorrow night, we'll go for 20 times." " Yes, but why not now?" " Why not now?" RAYE (as Usagi): Because I have to go to the bathroom something fierce! " Fine, we'll do it now." " Here we go again." The probably broke the world record. SERENA: For making the Sailor Scouts barf. "Odango, I love you." "Seiya, I love you, too." " I love you, Tsukino, Usagi, with all of my heart." " Kou, Seiya, I love you with all of my heart." " I will love you forever, my goddess, my angel, my princess." SERENA: Now don't inflate my ego. RAYE: Yeah, between her ego and her head, she'll float away. SERENA: Oh yeah, I forgot - I don't have to worry as long as my Official Royal Ego-Deflator is around with an appropriate pin. "I will love you forever my prince, my lover, my friend." DARIEN: HEY! *I'M* her prince, and don't you EVER forget it, Blue-Brained Demon! SERENA: I know I'll never forget it, Muffin! THE END So what did you think about that? ALL (holding up "okay" signs): IT STINKS! SERENA: Well, we might as well give some more coherent C&C, ne? AMY: I found it odd that an author would match Crystal Knight's ignorance of human sexual anatomy. MINA: And the description of the runup was pathetically sparse. Dr. Forrester, if you would please scroll back up to the beginning? VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: Certainly. SERENA: No, *past* the host segment! FORRESTER: What's this blank area on the transcript? SERENA: That's where you were out of the room. You don't get to know what went on during that time because you weren't there. SERENA (sotto voce): Thanks Amy, you saved us. MINA: Notice in the following paragraph: 'They went to a very fancy restaurant about a block away. There they chatted and ate the best cuisine in Japan ever made. After the romantic dinner, they went dancing in a very classy place, there they drank wine and had fun.' In most romantic-style lemon fanfics, or as has been recently made popular by a certain pair of authors, 'sekkushiaru roman,' there is a very great amount of description not only of the sexual act itself - descriptions of which tend to be evocative without being explicit - but also of other actions taken by the characters that make the entire difference between a romantic evening which is capped by the final and blissful union, and a passionless roll in the sack. SERENA (applauding): Very nicely put, Mina! AMY: I couldn't have said it better myself. MINA: I'm not quite finished yet. However, in "Lovers," Blue Winged Angel appears to simply want to suggest the trappings of romance before heading on to the main event - the sexual intercourse between what appear to be her favorite characters. SERENA: Whoops! The story wasn't quite done yet. If you have any questions, comments, or complaints then e-mail me. You can even ask me to make you a fanfic or make a sequel to this one. Just ask! RAYE: What if we asked you to jump off a building? LITA: Or destroy your computer? SERENA: Or just asked you to write a story about me and Darien? MINA: It'd probably blow every single brain cell that she has! ^_^ Ja'ne/See ya, Nicole =^_~ ALL (leaving theater): See ya - in hell!! <@><2><3><4><5><6>