(SOL bridge. The Scouts, Darien and Luna are gathered around Amy, who's holding a clipboard. Darien does *not* look happy). DARIEN: No way! I am *not* going to do it! AMY: But Darien, you *have* to do it! You're the only guy on the satellite! LITA: Besides, what we have to do isn't exactly dignified either. DARIEN: I am *not* putting on a ridiculous robe and acting like an idiot. There's got to be another way to convince this Torgo to bring us down! MINA: Like that's any different from when you were running around as Bedsheet Boy. SERENA: Huh? Hey, he was very romantic as the Moonlight Knight. But still, Mina has a point. LUNA: I'm with you, Darien. I refuse to play my role, too. You girls have really gone too far this time. SERENA: But, Luna, we *need* a Horrifying Hellbeast! LUNA: Well, look somewhere else. I'd like to get off this satellite with some small shred of dignity! RAYE: But if we don't do this, we'll never get off at all! DARIEN: I refuse to believe that, and I refuse to do this! MINA: But Darien. . . DARIEN: NO! No, no, NO, no, no, no, NO, no. . . SERENA: (seductive voice) Muffin. . .if you do this, when we get back to Earth. . .(She whispers in his ear. His eyes get wide). And furthermore. . . (She whispers again. This time, his eyes nearly pop out of his head, and his cheeks flush. She kisses him and pulls away. He just stands there for a moment with a dazed look on his face, and then. . .) DARIEN: Okay. Where's the robe? LUNA: Darien! DARIEN: Aw, c'mon, Luna. . .don't you want to go home? I *really* want to now! LUNA: (to Serena) What on earth did you say to him? SERENA: Oh, I just used a bit of. . .persuasion. LUNA: Persuasion?!?!? Serena, so help me, if you told him. . . (Alarms, buzzers, etc.) SERENA: We'll have to talk about this later because WE'VE GOT LEMON SIIIIIIGN!!! AMY: (over her shoulder, as they run for the theater) Get your costume ready, Luna! LUNA: (sweatdropping big-time) Ohhhh, Gods. . .why do these things happen to me? <@><2><3><4><5><6> Subject: I F*cked Sailor Moon!!!!!!!!!! - fanfic (sort of) From: billj88@aol.com (BILLJ88) Date: Tue, Feb 24, 1998 3:38 AM Message-id: <19980224083801.DAA15987@ladder02.news.aol.com> I did not write this. ALL: SUUUURRREEE you didn't. SERENA (as Jake Blues): There was an earthquake, a terrible flood! IT'S NOT MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!!!! AMY (as Col. Klink): I know nussink! MINA (as Raoul, from "UHF"): Badgers? We don't need any steenking badgers! OTHERS (sweatdrop): Nani? However it IS reposted from alt.sex.fetish.sailor-moon LITA: A moment of silence, please, for a newsgroup that died of terminal spam. Subject: I Fucked Sailor Moon!!!!!!!!!! DARIEN: Okay, that does it. In my eyes, this author's already marked for death. SERENA: In *your* eyes? I'm the one he says he "fucked." His death shall be slow. . . painful. . . much like this 'fic. MINA: Brrr. . . I remember hearing that tone of voice from Queen Serenity. No force on Earth'll save the writer of this fic once Serena gets her hands on him. From: mega0rb@xxxxxxxxxx.com SERENA: Let's see, that's ten X's. That would be a triple-triple-X, plus one more for good measure. It's harsh. Date: 1997/06/15 AMY: June Fifteenth. MINA: A date only slightly less evil than April Fifteenth. AMY: What're you talking about - you're not an American citizen! MINA: But I still have to pay U.S. taxes on the royalties for all that "Codename: Sailor V" merchandise. Newsgroups: alt.sex.fetish.sailor-moon I Fucked Sailor Moon!!!!!!!!!! RAYE: Well, that was mercifully short. Let's get out of here. (They start to go). FORRESTER: Not so fast! It's not over yet. Yep! I sure did! And it was easier than I thought! ALL (sitting back down): DAMN! First time I saw her walking home from school I decided I'd nail that hot little bitch. DARIEN: I'm gonna nail *you,* you (BLEEEEEEEEEP!) SERENA: And I'm gonna crush your and serve them to you on a savory cracker. So, I waited to when her classes end and parked my Jag SERENA: The Jaguar is the classic penis-car. AMY: How so? SERENA: It makes you wonder what inadequacies the driver is trying to compensate for. outside of her school. All I did was blast some Marylin Manson on my car stereo and THAT caught her attention. SERENA: What, with his butchered version of the Eurythmics' "Sweet Dreams?" LITA (as author): She came over and beat the crap out of me. MINA (as author): I wish I had a rod as long as that Cutie Moon Rod. . . OUCH! SERENA: I wouldn't go there, Mina. She just looked soooooooo cute in her little sailor suit with her two long pony tails blowing in the wind. SERENA: "She wants to see you again/Slowly twisting in the wind, She's not your satellite/She doesn't miss you. . ." So cute and innocent. Ha! As soon as she wandered over to check me and my car out I KNEW I had her number! ALL (singing): Eight-Six-Seven/Five-Three-Oh-Nine. . . Just took a few words of sweet talking and I had her accepting an offer of a ride in my car! SERENA (dumb voice): Huh huh, I made a funny. . . As we rode home she talked about the stupidest things imaginable. DARIEN (as author): The arms race in India and Pakistan, the root causes of Japan's economic problems, stupid stuff like that. Why couldn't she talk about anything important, like yesterday's Jerry Springer show? Hey she's cute but there's not a lot going on upstairs! SERENA: Like *you're* that big a prize. She talked a lot about her loser boyfriend Mamora DARIEN: Hey, if you're going to insult me, at least spell my name right! and her friends Ami and Rei and the others. SERENA: THAT'S stupid!? Your friends are what really matters! OTHERS: Ohh, that's sweet. What a load of crap! Still, as long as I got to fuck her I could have cared less what she talked about! LITA: And the Crystal Knight Memorial Award for Male Chauvinist Piggishness goes to. . . MINA: But he's not dead. SERENA: Not *yet* he isn't. After we parked outside my swinging bachelor pad SERENA (as author): A second-floor apartment over the triple-X bookstore. By that time, she was getting worried. it only took a few minutes of more sweet talk to get her upstairs. SERENA: A few minutes during which Usagi had to wonder what the hell could possibly have possessed her to get into the car. Hey, we both knew by now what she wanted! RAYE: A gun to shoot this creep with. She was probably soaking her panties already just thinking about being with yours truly! SERENA: Does this guy's ego know any kind of boundaries? AMY: Doubtful. After we got up there I put some cool sounds on the stereo SERENA: What, like that Manson crap you had earlier? and decided that a little alcoholic persuasion might be in order! DARIEN: I'm gonna need a drink to get through this. SERENA: I'm gonna need syrup of Ipecac to get through this. Just to loosen her up a bit more. Well, after a few glasses of fine vintaged MD 20/20 SERENA (as author): . . . She plastered my ass to the wall with a Moon Scepter Elimination for trying to give alcohol to a minor. MINA: Right, like he has any of that stuff, whatever it is. she was practically begging me to undress her. And that I did! What a hot little bod! Tight as can be with the sweetest little breasts capped off by nipples hard as little rocks! And guess what guys and gals, Usagi IS a REAL blonde! Ha! Ha!!!!!! RAYE: . . .laughed Usagi as she grabbed the butcher knife and carved megaOrb into tiny little pieces. . . SERENA: I'd ask you if you were being just a bit dark, if I wasn't thinking the exact same thing. Well, one thing led to another and needless to say, I had her every way imaginable! AMY: Yeah right. This guy's probably so hopeless not even Viagara can get him up. SERENA: Hentai baka. . . hentai baka. . . On her hands and knees, from behind, on top and of course the good old missionary position! She liked that best I think. SERENA: You forgot one position: standing over your slowly- cooling and draining corpse with a smoking gun in her hand, fifteen shell casings littering the floor and a spent clip at her feet. AMY: Whoa! I don't think I've ever heard you get that dark, Serena. SERENA: Desperate times call for desperate measures. Just a good old fashioned fucking! SERENA: Hentai baka. . . hentai baka. . . LITA: Look out--she's going to blow! AKANE: She's stealing *my* routine. ALL: How the hell did she get in here!? VOICE OF OSCAR: She's a refugee from one of my experiments. (a small white paw can be seen in front of the 'fic holding up a sign saying, PLEASE, SOMEBODY, ANYBODY - HELP!!!!!) MINA: Waitasec. . . Wasn't that Artemis? And what a look she gets on her face when she cums! SERENA: What a look you'll get on *your* face when *I* come. . .around with the Moon Scepter. . . Of course she wasn't a virgin. What a waste that Tuxedo Mask got that fine pussy before I did! DARIEN: I'M GONNA GET YOU, YOU (BLEEEEEEEEP)!!! Oh well! By the end of the day she was telling me she'd dump that asshole Mamora ALL: When hell freezes over! and was begging me to be her full time boyfriend! SERENA: She was trying to get this creep's guard down so she could gut him with his own kitchen knife. Fat chance! No way I'm going to limit myself to just one broad! MINA: The rest of his "broads" all have staples and a few fold lines, though. So I lied, told her sure baby and took her home. AMY: To answer your earlier question about this guy's ego, Serena, survey says. . . no way, Jose. As we drove towards her house I've never seen a female with such a contented look on her face! RAYE: She knew that as soon as she walked away, the car bomb would go off. . . What a shock she's in for when she learns she has to share me with the rest of the world's female population! Too bad Usagi!!!! Still, I'll give you another thrill whenever you want it! SERENA: Oh, it'll be a thrill all right. . . Hope you like a cold steel enema. Which reminds me. Waiting for her outside her house were her friends Ami and Minako. AMY: Waiting to comfort her after such a brutal experience in fanfiction. MINA: At a time like this, she needs her friends more than anything. And that gave me an EXCELLENT idea! I think I'm gonna work my way through each of the Sailor Scouts! Give 'em all a thrill!!! RAYE: You're not gonna work your way through me. Come within a country mile and you'll be burned into cinders faster than you can say Larry Flynt. LITA: And if you get anywhere near me, you'll have enough electricity coursing through your body to light up the Eastern Seaboard - *and* Canada. MINA: Try *ANYTHING* at all and you'll find yourself so full of meteor holes that you'll win the next Mr. Swiss Cheese competition! And I think SERENA: Prove it. that hot little slut Ami is next! AMY: Get within a kilometer of me and I'll freeze you so deep it'll take you a thousand years to thaw out. LITA: And when you *do* thaw, I'll throw you in jail so hard it'll loosen your teeth! SERENA: Touch my friends and I promise you a very slow, very painful death. >>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<0RB>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<< DARIEN: Let's get the *hell* out of here. (They leave). <@><2><3><4><5><6>