(SOL bridge - empty. We hear the voices of the Scouts, just offstage, whispering sotto voce). SERENA: Okay, now what are we supposed to do? AMY: Just like in the scene from that experiment that I showed you. . . MINA: These costumes are going to fall off! Can't we wear something else? AMY: No! We'll never convince Torgo if we don't look just like. . . TORGO'S VOICE: (over intercom, from Deep 13) HeLlO? hEllO? Is ANyoNe hErE? AMY: Okay, that's our cue! Let's go, girls! (The Scouts walk on, single file, from left, as if they were zombies. All are wearing white bedsheets tied around them to resemble toga-like dresses). SERENA: (loud, stagy voice) Oh, where, oh where is the Master? We must bring this important matter to his attention! TORGO: THe MasTEr? LITA: Torgo! You must help us! We're imprisoned on a satellite! TORGO: I'lL gO fINd tHe MaStEr. THe mASteR wILl nOT aPpRoVE oF hIs WiVEs bEiNg StoLEN. MINA: No, Torgo, you don't understand! The Master's up here with us! We were all captured. . . AMY: Oh, and just when it was my turn to spend the night with him. . . RAYE: Your turn? It was MY turn, bitch! SERENA: No, it wasn't! It was MY turn! RAYE: Take THAT! (She takes an obviously faked swing at Serena, who pretends to be hit. Serena "pushes" Raye in return, who knocks into Lita, who knocks into Amy, who knocks into Mina, and soon, they are all pushing and shoving in a mock brawl.) TORGO: OoH, a CAtFiGhT! I lOvE iT wHEn THis HaPpEns. (He watches with a leer). (The girls are continuing to push and shove each other, and occasionally, one of them will look off to the side expectantly. Nothing happens.) RAYE: (whispering) Dammit, where are they? I'll bet they chickened out! AMY: (whispering) Give him another minute. RAYE: (whispering) We've given him more than enough time already! (She stalks off into the wings, and returns, literally dragging Darien by the bangs. He has an obviously fake mustache and is wearing a big black caftan with red hands painted on it. He is dragging Luna on a leash, who has mangy fur and fangs attached to her, supposedly to make her look like a demon dog. They both look ridiculous. When Raye lets go of him, Darien attempts to bolt, then realizes that Torgo has seen him, and he has no choice but to go ahead with the script. He stalks up in front of the girls and raises his arms, so the hands can be seen on his sleeves.) DARIEN: (in a very Shatneresque voice) SILENCE! There must be no fighting! It is the will of Manos! TORGO: MaStER? DARIEN: Yes, Torgo, it is I, your master! I am the great and powerful Wizard of Manos! Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! RAYE: (whispering, to Amy) What the hell is he doing? DARIEN: And now, I will summon the forces of darkness with the help of my horrifying hellbeast! (He jerks Luna's chain. She gives a start, then makes a really pathetic show of baring her teeth and looking nasty.) LUNA: Uh. . . .Urgh! Grr! TORGO: (puzzled) ThAt'S nOt YoUr hoRRifYiNG HeLLBeast. DARIEN: (thinking quickly) I have cast a spell on this animal that is slowly stealing its soul! It hasn't taken full effect yet! It's a 24-hour time-release spell! LITA: (whispering, to Mina) Woody Allen would make a more convincing Satanic priest than him! DARIEN: And now, to call the powers of evil! Oh Manos, thou of primal darkness, hear me, thy loyal priest! Fill us with evil energy to help us blast our way out of this satellite and get us home! (He waves around his "hand staff," which is a toilet plunger--its suction cup removed--with a plastic back scratcher attached). Lolapalloza! Alakazam! A womp bomp a loo wop a wop bam boom! TORGO: I nEvEr sAW yOu uSe tHAt sPelL bEFore. DARIEN: That's because my regular magic won't work up here! You must get us home, Torgo! I command you as your Master! Push that button on the console which says "Bring Down Satellite of Love 2!" (He spreads his arms out again, and the picture freezes. A title appears on the screen, crudely hand-lettered, just like the credits on the original train wreck of a film: "MAMO:" THE HANDS OF FATE) TORGO: I dOn'T KnOw. If I dO tHiS, I wAnt sOmetHinG. I wAnT oNe Of yoUR wIVes. YoU hAVe sO MaNY, aNd I hAvE nONe. SCOUTS: WHAT?!?!? NO WAY! RAYE: You'd better not agree to that, or I'll. . . DARIEN: SILENCE, TORGO! THAT WAS NOT A REQUEST! THAT WAS A COMMAND! I AM YOUR MASTER! BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ONE YOU SERVE! YOU'RE GOING TO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE! SERENA (winces): I'm going to have to talk to him about that. . . TORGO: AlL rIgHt. I'Ll BrInG YOu dOwN. (He reaches for the console - but before he can push the button, a shadow looms behind him. . .) DR. FORRESTER: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Get away from those buttons, you freak! And get out! OUT! OUT! OUT! (He chases Torgo, who wobbles out, screaming, to the strains of his theme music). And as for you, my little lab rats. . .thought you'd be pretty clever pulling this, didn't you? Well, I've got news for you. Nobody tries to escape from Dr. Clayton Forrester! FRANK: (entering from right) But Dr. F, what about Joel. . . DR. FORRESTER: (smacking Frank) SHUT UP!!! I'd say that looking so ridiculous in those costumes was punishment enough for you, but I want to make you really, really suffer for this. I've got a *very special* fanfic. One I've saved just for you, just for a *really* special occasion. And you're *all* going to read it. And you're *especially* going to get a lot out of this one, Moonie Loonie and Tennessee Tuxedo. Frank! Send them. . .NUMBER 26A!!! FRANK: NO! NOT NUMBER 26 A!!! STEVE! THINK OF HUMANITY! DR. FORRESTER: FRANK! Do you want to be thrown in the wood chipper again? NOW DO IT! FRANK: Gotcha. (The alarms start going off on the SOL) LITA: Oh, great. Now what? SERENA: We're about to find out, because WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIIIIGN!!! <@><2><3><4><5><6> ChibiUsa Loses Her Virginity ALL: NANI!!!?!?!?!?!! SERENA: When we get out of here, you slime, we're going to nail you to a bed, prop your eyes open with a saline drip running into them and force you to read incredibly obsessive stories written about a bit character from "Star Trek: The Next Generation!" FORRESTER: Been there, done that. Oh, why the saline drip? By: Hent-Eye AMY: Another "Hentai" writer? Oh well, might as well sit back and brace yourself - the pain is about to arrive. Hey, look, RAYE: Up in the sky! It's a bird! LITA: It's a plane! ALL: It's SUPERMAN! this story contains graphic child sex and incest, SERENA: Okay, Forrester, just for that, you can forget the saline drip. if you don't like it (or if you're a minor)don't read it. ALL: We have no choice. MINA: If we *liked* graphic sex and incest, we'd be Hentai Otaku characters. Oh wait, I forgot, we *are* characters that Hentai Otaku has used over and over again, in ways that Naoko-sama would NEVER approve. If the idea of ChibiUsa and Mamoru fucking wildly turns you on however, RAYE: Then you are a sick, twisted pedophile who deserves to be dragged through flaming walls of rabid wildebeests. . . SERENA: Chibi-Usa. . . and Mamoru!? Iie!!! . DARIEN (so enraged he's lost the power of speech): Kkkkk. . .ggggg. . . READ ON! ChibiUsa opened Mamoru's door that afternoon. She always went to his cozy apartment instead of home because she didn't particuarly care for Usagi. AMY: Actually, if you watch the show, Chibi-Usa really does care - a lot - for Usagi, but her pride doesn't let her admit it. However, Mamoru... Just thinking of him made her heart race and gave her a peculiar tingling in her stomach. LITA: Oh, that's just the result of too many Gorditas. Mamoru had been in his livingroom, watching a hentai film when he heard his door creak open. SERENA: Oh shit, man, I'd better hide my weed! "Konnichiwa, Mamo-chan!" She shouted, jumping onto his lap and hugging him. She snuggled up close to him, and felt her stomach flutter. "k-k-k-onnichiwa, ChibiUsa..." RAYE: AAAUUGGHHH!!! Now the author's brought in Porky Pig! He's even sicker than we thought! Mamoru stuutered as she snuggled close to him. For some reason, his future daughter being so close to him was turning him on. SERENA: FORRESTER: I didn't realize it was *that* bad! As she wriggled around trying to get comfortable, she unknowingly was stimulating him, making his desires increase. LITA: Making our nausea increase. DARIEN: Ggggg. . .mmmfffff. . . VOICE OF FRANK: Uh, guys - I just wanted you to know. . . I'm really sorry you have to read this thing. Just hang in there. "Mamo-chan, I love you " she said. "How do you know it's love, ChibiUsa?" he asked. "Because I always get this wonderful tingling in my belly when I think of you..." She told him Mamoru's desires RAYE: To kill this author were raging now hat he knew she had sexual feelings for him too. He decided to be daring. LITA: And the Crystal Knight Memorial Just Plain Wrong Award goes to. . . "Those feelings don't come from your stomach, ChibiUsa, they come from here." he said, as he lifted her skirt and put his hand on her little girl pussy. He could feel the pussylips through the fabric of her underware. ChibiUsa drew in a breath when he grasped her pussy. It was like the same feeling she always got, but much stronger. As Mamoru pulled his hand away, she said AMY: "Come and get him, boys!" as the police came in and arrested Mamoru for child molestation. "Mamo-chan, do that again, it feels good." "You like that, ChibiUsa?" he asked teasingly. He didn't know what he was getting into. nor did he care about the consequences. He now deparately wanted to take his little daughter. SERENA: There's only so much of this fic I can take. MOON CRISIS POWER! Wow, cool, it worked! Rainbow Moon. . . Heart Ache! For my family, I will punish YOU! [ ], causing her to moan "Mamo-chan!" AMY: MERCURY CRYSTAL POWER! In the name of the planet Mercury, I'll punish you! MERCURY AQUA RHAPSODY!! He slid her underware [ ]. LITA: JUPITER CRYSTAL POWER! (She transforms into Super Sailor Jupiter). THIS is what I think of you abusing the innocent! SPARKLING WIDE PRESSURE! (The ball of electricity fries another big chunk of screen) [ ] and pushed a finger up her hole. SERENA That's what I think of your stupid fic, Hent-Eye! MOON TIARA STAR! THis brought more moans from the little girl. MINA: This is gonna be fun! VENUS CRYSTAL POWER! Venus Love-Me CHAIN! Then, without a word, he picked her up and carried her into his bedroom. He placed her on the bed and told her to [ ]. DARIEN: (suddenly regaining the power of speech) I'm gonna tell you to go (BLEEEEP!!) yourself, you PEDOPHILE!!! (He goes into his silent transformation, then aims his weapon at the screen) EARTH BLADE EXECUTION! (The beam of golden light takes out a good deal of the upper part of the screen and a chunk of ceiling besides). MINA: Whoa, Darien - watch the plaster! AMY: How does he tell her to do anything without a word? She did as he told her, and he lowered his face [ ]. His tongue flicked [ ] SERENA: Go (bleeep) a (bleep) you (bleep)ing PERVERT! MOON RAPIER ANNIHILATION! AMY: No, Serena, DON'T BREACH THE HULL! SERENA: Death by vacuum would be preferable to being subjected to this story, but you're right - we have to keep fighting. making her moan louder and louder. "OH!!!! MAMO-CHAN!!! MAMO-CHAN!!!!" SERENA: Keep your hands off my daughter, you HENTAI CREEP! Spiral Moon. . . Heart ATTACK! . DARIEN: And that goes double for me, you SICKO! TUXEDO SMOKING BOMBER! (The attack blows yet another hole through the screen). Her looked her in the eyes and said "Can I SERENA: Have some fries with that? [ ] "Take Me, Mamo-chan!" RAYE: Take THIS, sicko! MARS CRYSTAL POWER! (She transforms into Super Sailor Mars). BURNING MANDALA!!! (She incinerates most of the remaining screen) [ ] "ready, ChibiUsa?" MINA: We're not ready yet. There's still part of the screen left that we can read. VENUS LOVE AND BEAUTY SHOCK! LITA: JUPITER OAK EVOLUTION! "YES!" she moaned. He pushed himself into her hot, tight little pussy. RAYE: You want HOT? Try this! MARS FLAME SNIPER! She screamed [ ] in pain. DARIEN: I'M GONNA MAKE *YOU* SCREAM IN PAIN IF I EVER GET AHOLD OF YOU! EAT THIS! (He fires a barrage of rose bombs, which blow holes in the wall around the screen). He pushed in and out of her again and again. ChibiUsa's moaning grew louder and louder until her muscles constricted and she had her first orgam. MINA: Reality check. Nope, there's none here. AMY: Amazing - he managed to misspell that word. SERENA: I'm amazed you can read that with as many holes as we've put in the screen. MOON GORGEOUS MEDITATION!!! : Sorry, Hent-Eye, no matter how hard you try, we managed to do something that feels good and you can't take it away from us! The End ALL: until I write more SERENA: Stop me! Stop me before I write again! I encourage you to send any feedback, comments, death threats, SERENA (interested): Oh really? flames, credit card numbers MINA: Ha! or ChibiUsa hentai stories to my email address, hent_eye@hotmail.com AMY: Oh, you'll get *something* all right. . . DARIEN: MEGA-DELUXE CYBER ROSE BOMBS!!! <@> <2> <3> <4> <5> <6> (The Scouts march onto the bridge with confidence, big smiles of triumph on their faces). SERENA: Hey, you lab-coated creep, are you there? Because we've got news for you - WE BEAT YOU! WE WON! FINALLY, THE SUFFERING COMES TO AN END! LITA: No more fanfics! RAYE: No more having to watch ourselves being abused by asinine authors! MINA: We trashed that theater so badly, it would take a hundred years to repair it! AMY: And we enjoyed every single second of it! DARIEN: And you'd better hope we never get ahold of you, Dr. Forrester. . . (Deep 13. Forrester watches the scouts calmly, then laughs). DR. FORRESTER: Enjoy your victory party while you can, Sailor Failures, because I've got news for you - I LET YOU TRASH THAT THEATER! ALL SCOUTS, DARIEN: NANI?!?!?!? DR. FORRESTER: Because there's a second theater on that satellite! And it's three times as tough as the last one! And just wait until you see the fic I've picked to inaugurate it! Ta ta for now, my little lab rats. . . (As soon as his image fades, Serena starts pounding her head on the counter in frustration. Darien tries to comfort her). SERENA: We're never, never, never going to get out of this! It'll be just one lousy fic after another until our heads explode. . . DARIEN: Don't worry, honey, this just can't go on forever! How many bad Sailor Moon fanfics can there be? (He looks around, and sees the other four girls sweatdropping and facevaulting). SERENA: I just don't know how many more fics like that last one I can take, Darien! (Darien thinks for a moment, then. . .) DARIEN: I've got something that'll make you feel better, sweetheart. When we get back to the room tonight. . .(He whispers in her ear. Her eyes grow wider). And furthermore. . .(He whispers again. She blushes and giggles). OTHER FOUR: Details! Details! SERENA: Sorry guys. . .it's top-secret information! (Deep 13. Frank is watching with interest). FRANK: Really? I'd like to know, too! DR. FORRESTER: FRANK! What are you doing? Their sex lives aren't part of the experiment. . .yet! FRANK: But I've got to know everything about their most secret moments for my first fic as the Hentai Dude! Check this plotline. . .Serena breaks up with Darien, and she runs to Amy for consolation, but then some giant tentacle monster breaks in and rapes them both, and meanwhile Darien is having nightmares about Serena in a threesome with Raye and Nephlite, so he runs around killing everyone he sees, then has sex with Sailor Saturn in a giant vat of peanut butter, and then. . . . (He is interrupted by the doorbell). Get that, willya, Steve? (Forrester gives him a look that would freeze molten lava). Heh, heh. . .I'll get it. (Torgo enters to the sound of his theme music). TORGO: ExCuSE mE, I tHinK I lEFt tHe kEyS tO My tRUcK iN yOuR oFfFiCe. FRANK: Oh, sure, come right. . . FORRESTER: (quickly) Just stay right there. I'll get them. (He leaves). FRANK: Hey, Torgo, want a sneak peek at my first Sailor Moon lemon fanfic? It's on the table over there. . . . TORGO: ThE MaStER dOeS nOt aPprOvE oF lEmONs. FRANK: Well, he ain't here, is he? Come on, Torgo, live a little! Take a look! TORGO: WeLl. . .aLL rIgHT. (He goes offscreen, we hear the sound of shuffling paper. . .and then the sound of a body hitting the floor. Forrester comes back on, and his face registers a look of shock, horror and disgust.) DR. FORRESTER: FRANK! What did you do? FRANK: I just gave him my story to read! DR. FORRESTER: Push the button NOW, Frank. And then help me move him or we'll never get him out of here! And get me the rubber gloves, because I'm not picking him up with bare hands! And so help me, if you ever show that story to anyone else I'll. . . *PHHHHWWWOOOOO* (Fade to black. . .then fade in on a shadowy, film noir-ish scene in a Tokyo apartment. We see four figures: Sailor Neptune, Sailor Uranus, Sailor Pluto, and Joel Robinson.) HARUKA: Okay, so we've established that Deep 13 is somewhere underground in Minnesota. JOEL: That's right. It's part of Gizmonic Institute, a big corporation. I used to work there as a janitor. MICHIRU: What happened? JOEL: Well, everyone who worked at Gizmonic was an inventor, no matter what job they held. Dr. Forrester got jealous because my inventions were better than his. . .so he trapped me in the Satellite of Love, shot it into space, and made me the subject of his experiments. Luckily, I knew how to build robots. . . SETSUNA: What kind of inventions did he build? JOEL: Crazy stuff. Sick stuff. Mind control devices, super lasers. . .stuff to help him take over the world. HARUKA: I think it's going to take more than the three of us to defeat him, if he's armed, dangerous, and crazy. MICHIRU: What if we asked the Starlights to help? HARUKA: I don't know if they'd be willing to. . .(The phone rings). Excuse me. . .Moshi moshi? Oh, Seiya, we were just talking about you, let me put you on speaker phone. . . SEIYA'S VOICE (staticky): Haruka! Just wanted to let you know that we're about to make that Dr. Forrester pay for what he did to us. . . HARUKA: Where are you? SEIYA: We're in Minnesota. We found his lair, and we're about to go in. HARUKA, MICHIRU, SETSUNA: NANI?!?!? SEIYA: We've got cool new attacks, and we brought along someone else to help. . .Yaten's boyfriend, Kurama. He's got a thing called a Rose Whip that. . . HARUKA: Seiya, you fool! Get the hell out of there! You can't take him by yourselves! He's too dangerous! MICHIRU: Come back to Tokyo! We've got a plan that. . . (There is the sound of an explosion and scuffling in the background. Faintly, the Outers hear the voices of Taiki and Yaten yell "STAR METEOR MAELSTROM!" and "STAR CORE FUSION... FLARE!!!" then: "The hell? None of our powers work!") HARUKA: Seiya! Seiya, are you still there? SEIYA: (more static than before) Haruka. . .Haruka things aren't (big blast of static) well here. . .Forrest (blast of static) will work. . .I thing we'll have to AAAAUUUGGHHH!!! (The line goes dead) HARUKA, MICHIRU, SETSUNA: SEIYA!!!! MICHIRU: What do you think he's done to them? JOEL: My guess is. . .he's going to put them on a third Satellite of Love. His experiments are out of control now. . . HARUKA: Damn! DAMN!!! (She pounds the wall in frustration, then turns to the others). We *have* to do it on our own now. And we *have* to get them all out of there. Failure is not an option. . . (Michiru comes over to her and they embrace. Joel and Setsuna give each other a resigned "what are we going to do now?" look. Then, suddenly, he stands up. . .) JOEL: Wait a minute. . .I thought of something. It just might work. . . (fade to black) {fade back in) (It's "night" on the SOL2. Serena's hair is down and she's brushing it out as she sits in front of the interociter in her and Darien's room. All of the resemblance to Tom's room is now gone - especially the racecar bed, which has been replaced by a beautiful, king-sized, Victorian-style poster bed, very similar to that seen on the tenth-to-last page of Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon Manga 18. The covers are suspiciously rumpled. . .) SERENA: Hello? Hello, Mike are you there? MIKE: Who. . . oh! Hi, Serena. I didn't recognize you with your hair down. You look a lot like Mina like that, except your hair's a little bit darker. SERENA: And a LOT longer. It takes me three times as long to take care of this (gestures at her hair) than it takes Mina. But now down to business: Do you know of any weaknesses Dr. Forrester has that could help us to get out of here? MIKE: Well, I can think of a couple of things that might work: First, look for a giant crate of Hamdingers in the basement. . . SERENA: Hamdingers? MIKE: I've never actually *seen* a Hamdinger myself, but I think they're something like Spam. SERENA: Yuck. I tried Spam once. How do you Americans eat it? MIKE: We don't. CROW: Hey, Mike, I want to talk to the girls! MIKE: The only one on the line is Serena, Crow. CROW: Oh. Damn, why are all the best ones already taken!? SERENA: Thanks for the compliment, Crow. CROW: Thank *you.* By the way, you have a beautiful laugh, Serena. SERENA: Flattery will get you nowhere, Crow. Besides, as you said, I'm 'taken.' Now, we need help to try to drive Forrester crazier. MIKE: That'll be a change. Usually he's the one trying to drive us crazy. And don't forget those poor guys trapped in Hentai Space by Oscar. SERENA: Hey, Mike - call up Rocket Ship Number 9. I think I see something hanging outside my window. MIKE: Another Satellite!? Forrester must be really tossin' em up here these days. Sooner or later there are going to be more people above Minnesota in one of these satellites than on the ground in the state. SEIYA: Um, help? SERENA: Ack! Now we've got even more trouble! (fade to black again) VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: I *really* need to get that button fixed. --- Author's Notes: "Chibi-Usa Loses Her Virginity" is to short fanfic what "'Manos:' the Hands of Fate" was to full-length movies. It's the vilest, most wretched piece of filth that we have yet MSTed. I mean come ON, how low can you go? There's worse Chibi-Usa hentai than this out there - Seth Triggs has MSTed the absolute worst Chibi-Usa hentai of all time, "Chibi- Usa's Seventh Birthday." There is NO excuse for some of the perverted, sick, twisted, disgusting acts that the author of that story depicted the Sailor Senshi as indulging in. Some of these are simply physically impossible as well. And some of the pictures. . . UGH. The fanfics parodied herein are the property of their authors and believe us, they are more than welcome to the rights to their wretched work. This is not a personal attack on the posters, just on what they posted (however much they may deserve it). The "Oscar" MSTings that we have mentioned here are the wonderful and hilarious works of our fellow MSTie, J-Boogie: the "Insane Fanfic Theater 3000" series. The Starlights being shot into orbit plays in with Sailor Star Love's future MSTings featuring (you guessed it) the Sailor Starlights. There may in the future be a crossover between the "Mystery Sailor" and "Insane Fanfic" Theaters, but don't hold your breath. I somehow doubt that Dr. F and Oscar would dare take the security risk inherent in moving the characters from one area to another, be it Hentai Space to the SOL2 or vice- versa. More likely is a crossover between the Inners' and the Starlights' Theaters. Sailor Moon was created by Naoko Takeuchi. Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson. None of these characters are ours, we're just borrowing them for a little while. . . Mystery Sailor Theater 3000: the episodes (collect them all!) SEASON ONE 101: Sailor Moon:Fantasy! Vol. 1 (parts 1-3) - Crystal Knight 102: Trouble in Paradise (all) - Blue Winged Angel 103: Trilogy of Trash I ("Lovers," "I F**ked Sailor Moon," "Chibi-Usa Loses her Virginity") - Blue Winged Angel, MegaOrb, Hent-Eye 104: Sailor Moon:Fantasy! Vol. 2 (parts 4-6) - Crystal Knight (coming soon) 105: Evening at Lita's (parts 1-5) - Vermillion (coming soon) 106: Ms. Moon (parts 1-5) - Blue Winged Angel (coming later) 107: Trilogy of Trash II (components unknown at this time) Everything after "Sailor Moon:Fantasy!" Vol. 2 and "Evening at Lita's" is tentative. >"Because I always get this wonderful tingling in my belly when I think of >you..."