MYSTERY SAILOR THEATER 3000: "TROUBLE IN PARADISE" MSTed by Sailor Mac (AmberSesht@aol.com) and Mark Berger (temjin_blue@hotmail.com) For the sake of legibility, the following fanfic has been altered in the following manner: It has been edited to fit your computer screen. Best Brains, Inc. and Toei Productions present. . . A Moon and Rose MSTing. . . Mystery Sailor Theater 3,000! MSTing by Sailor Mac and Mark Berger. Love Theme from Mystery Sailor Theater 3,000 (obviously to the tune of "Love Theme from Mystery Science Theater 3000") In the not-too-distant future Way down in Deep 13, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank Were hatching an Evil Scheme. They caught a girl called Sailor Moon Just a teenage girl who likes to sleep till noon Their experiment needed a good test case, So they signed up with the NegaVerse And shot her into space. (Get me down!) We'll send her cheesy fanfics, The worst we can find (la-la-la), She'll have to sit and watch them all, And we'll monitor her mind (la-la-la). Now keep in mind Serena can't control Where the fanfics begin or end (la-la-la), She'll try to keep her sanity With the help of her Sailor friends. Sailor Roll Call: Venus! Jupiter! Mercury! Maaars! If you're wondering how she eats and breathes and other science facts (la la la), Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show, I should really just relax For Mystery Sailor Theater 3000!" <6><5><4><3><2><1> (SOL bridge. Serena and Darien are alone.) SERENA: Well, Darien, another day, probably another rotten experiment on the Satellite of Love, huh? DARIEN: Something's a bit strange, don't you think, Meatball-head? SERENA: Yeah. . . Where are the others? FORRESTER'S VOICE: Why it's miss perplexed little moon brat. . . I don't believe that the others will be needed today. Instead, two of your other friends will be joining you. SAILOR URANUS What am I. . . Princess! What's going on here!? SERENA: WE'VE GOT. . . Waitasec, there's no flashing lights or anything. SEIYA: Odango! SERENA: Eeuw! It's a pervert! DARIEN: Serena, the Bobbsey Twins are calling. SERENA: Ohayo gozimasu, Dr. Forrester. What's going on today, and why are these two here? FORRESTER: Haruka and Seiya are going to be helping you with today's experiment, but first it's time for the Invention Exchange. I'll go first. Today's invention exchange. . . FRANK, stop writing that and pay attention! Today's invention is based on the old idea that too much of a bad thing is a bad thing. I give you, the Oscarmeyer. SERENA: The WHAT? FORRESTER: Allow me to demonstrate. It converts a mediocre fanfic, like this one, a chapter of Stephen Ratliff's "Dear Isabella," into a truly wretched piece of scum. See? An Oscarfic. SERENA: That's. . . interesting, Dr. F. Our invention for today is really a rather simple prospect: Since the six of us want to get the hell off of this satellite and back to our real lives on Earth, Amy-chan built this escape pod. It seats six. . . here is the rocket motor and here. . . is the . . . heat. . . shield? Darien, where did the heat shield go? DARIEN: Huh? I think we were still trying to decide what would work best for the heat shield. SERENA: Well, if nothing else, I could. . . DARIEN: NO! You know what happened to you last time! SERENA: Well, back to the drawing board, I guess. FORRESTER: Better luck next time, moon brat. Today's experiment is the not- so-legendary "Trouble in Paradise," by Blue-Winged Angel. Send them the lemon, Frank. FRANK: I don't know, Dr. F, maybe we should. . . FORRESTER: FORCEPS, Frank. Push the button. FRANK: I'm sending it. . . SEIYA and HARUKA: What does that mean? SERENA and DARIEN: It means, WE'VE GOT LEMON-SIIIIGN!! ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH!! <6><5><4><3><2> > " Trouble in Paradise" SERENA: Pain in Deep Thirteen. > Part 1: End of battle, departures > The battle was over, no more wars. This was the last one. SEIYA: And if you believe that, I've got some oceanfront property in Kansas to sell you. > All the > senshi came back and Usagi ran to Mamoru and hugged him. " Do you love me, > Mamo-chan?" " Of course, I do." " I am Tsukino, Usagi, a girl in her first > year of High School, I'm a bit clumsy and a bit whinny but I'm also the > pretty soldier Sailor Moon." SERENA: The recap of the very ending of Episode 200, ladies and gentlemen. SEIYA: If only we had any reassurance that it would stay like this (puts his hand around Serena's shoulders). SERENA: If you don't remove that hand, Seiya, you'll never have to worry about moving it anywhere, *again.* SEIYA: > (The question) SERENA: The answer. Let's see if they match up. > " Usako, I need to tell you something." > " Yes, Mamo-chan?" DARIEN: We're booked as guests on Jerry Springer next week. The topic is "You Wrote a Lousy Fanfic About Me!" and we'll be appearing with Nav, Crystal Knight, Blue-Winged Angel, Hentai Otaku and Hentai Man. SERENA: Who are we gonna toast first? ALL: Springer. > " Well, I still want to attend Harvard in America. And I was > wondering if I could go." HARUKA (as Darien): Pretty please with sugar on top? I'll wash the dishes and clean my room. . . >" Of course you can, but I'll miss you greatly. > I can't wait until our wedding." " I promise you, Usako, that when I get > back in 4 years, I will marry you. SERENA: Huh? Darien was going into his junior year during "Stars." >But please come and say a last farewell > to me before I leave." (ALL imitate cheesy '70s porn music) >" Of course, I wouldn't miss it for the world." HARUKA: Neither would we. . . > (9 a.m. the next morning at the airport) HARUKA: The white zone is for loading and unloading only. . . SEIYA: The *blue* zone is for loading and unloading only. . . SERENA: Huh? I thought you said I wouldn't miss it for the world, so why'd we miss it? > " Usako, I love you, don't forget me. I promise that I will marry > you when I return, wait for me." " I will." They kissed. Tears formed out > of Usagi's eyes like the last time Mamoru left but got his starseed taken > away instead. DARIEN: The recap of the beginning of "SailorStars," ladies and gentlemen. > " I love you, Mamo-chan, call me everyday or any chance that > you get, okay?" " Okay. Bye my love." ALL: (singing) Bye my love, bye my happiness, hello loneliness, I think I'm gonna cry-y. >Then Mamoru left. Usagi cried > endless tears. ALL produce umbrellas SERENA: I haven't cried like that since Sailormoon R. > She still had her friends, of course, but her true love was > leaving and for 4 years. Haruka and Michiru spotted her. " Usagi-chan, > what's wrong?" Michiru asked. HARUKA (as Usagi): My underwear is riding up my butt! > " Nothing, only Mamo-chan went to Harvard in > America." She said and cried all over again. " Don't cry, Odango-atama, > it's not good for a princess to cry." Haruka said and held her in her > arms. " Well, you shouldn't cry, Usagi-chan, besides Haruka isn't crying, > I'm leaving for England, where I have to stay for 6 months for an > orchestra ceremony celebration." SERENA: Six months, four years, what's the difference? > " Really, congratulations, Michiru-san!" Usagi exclaimed and stopped > crying. " Good bye, Haruka." " Good bye, Michiru." She kissed her on the > cheek and left. HARUKA: Huh? Excuse me, but if Michiru and I were going to be separated for six months, I think the goodbye would be just a BIT more emotional than that! > " Good bye, Usagi-chan, I hope you'll feel better." SERENA: Not until I get out of this damn theater. > " Thank you, > Michiru-san!" They waved at her until she was out of sight. " So, Odango, > what are you going to do with Mamoru-san gone, are you going to spend more > time with your family?" Haruka asked. " No, they left to Grandmother's > house this week, ALL: (singing) Over the river and through the woods, to Grandmother's house we go. . . > I didn't want to go, and besides I have school." " But what about > Shingo, doesn't he have school?" DARIEN (as Usagi): Nope. He dropped out to form a rap posse. SERENA: I hate rap. . . > " Well, yes, but my parents begged the > teacher to let him go." " Oh." " Yeah, I have the house all to myself and > Luna of course. But Luna isn't going to keep me company as much as a real > human." HARUKA: Not according to Oscar. ALL: EEEEEWWWWWW!!! SERENA: Do that again and I'll. . . SEIYA: Popcorn, Odango? SERENA: Don't ask. >Usagi started to cry again and mumble about how she'll miss Mamoru > and her family. Haruka put her arm around her shoulder SERENA: I do NOT like the way this is going. . . > and they started to > walk out of the airport. ~ Hmm, so Odango's parents are away and so is her > boyfriend and Michiru. Well, maybe me and her can get a little romantic, SERENA: Oh no, not a betrayal lemon! SEIYA: I feel your pain, Odango. SERENA: You are NOT Bill Clinton, Seiya, don't swipe his lines. > this week, anyway we used to be in love, at the time of the Deathbusters. ~ SERENA: Okay, so the fact that I had a mild crush on her was taken to mean we were in *LOVE*? I'm gonna kill this bitch! HARUKA: *You're* gonna kill this bitch? Michiru and I are in LOVE, goddamn it! I'd rather disembowel myself with a rusty fishhook than cheat on her! SERENA: That's all? I'd rather disembowel myself with an *olive pick* than cheat on Darien. SEIYA: That's possible? SERENA: So far as you know. > " Odango-atama, how about if I stay over for this week. I'll keep you > company." " Really, would you do that for me?" " Yeah, sure." " Oh, thank > you, Haruka-san." She hugged her tightly. DARIEN: And there was the sickening crack of bones being crushed. SERENA: A bit dark this morning, dear? >~ This is going to be a great > week, me and Odango only. ~ HARUKA: What's with all these damn wavy lines? DARIEN: Perhaps is an indication of the author's brain activity? HARUKA: That would be a flat line. >Haruka grinned and brought Usagi into her car > and they drove off to her apartment. When they got there, they both got > out and packed up Haruka's things. > (Moving to romance) SEIYA: Then heading onward toward mystery. Isn't browsing the local book store fun? SERENA: Not. > " Thank you for letting me stay at your house. Where shall I sleep?" > " Thank you Haruka for keeping me company. HARUKA: Thank you, Blue-Winged Angel, for a severe case of heartburn. >You can sleep in Shingo's room, > it's right only a hall away, just in case you need me for anything." > " Okay." ~ Sure, don't worry, I'll need you, sooner or later. ~ Haruka > chuckled to herslef at her marvelous plan. " DARIEN (as Haruka): Now I take over the world! BWAHAHAHA! SERENA (as Brain): Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? SEIYA (as Pinky): Wuh, I think so, Brain, but where are we going to find three sheep and an inner tube at this time of night? > Uh, Odango, I want to go rent > a video, so I'll be out for a while, do you want me to get you something?" HARUKA: At last! My chance to escape from this fic! SERENA: Not so fast, Haruka-san. We suffer, you suffer. > " No, that's okay, while your gone, I'll make some dinner." " Okay." > (At the video rental shop) DARIEN: D'oh! There's nothing left but the complete works of Pauly Shore! SERENA: Yuck. . . > " Good afternoon, sir, how may I help you?" " Well, here's my license, > I would like to rent a hentai video." SERENA: Oh no, it's a porn trigger! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, IT'S A PORN TRIGGER!!! SEIYA: I take it you've had bad experiences with these before. SERENA: As Mina can tell you, these things are a real pain in the ass. > " Okay, so you are 18 years old. Okay, > you can rent any kind of video we have. HARUKA (as clerk): Except the "Playboy's Girls of Hooters" videos. That's the owner's private stash. >Thank you." " Thank you." SERENA: After you. SEIYA: No, after you. SERENA: No, I insist, after you. >~ Hmm, > what video should I rent. Aha, this one is perfect." DARIEN: "Thin Thighs in 30 Days!" > " So, have you made > your choice, sir?" " Yes." The man looked at the video and he grinned at > Haruka, especially since he thought that she was a man. SERENA: Ladies and gentlemen, the plot of the first quarter of the S season. > " Okay, that will > be $11.99, HARUKA: WHAT? Eleven ninety-nine for ONE NIGHT'S RENTAL? What kind of @#$% video store IS this? DARIEN: And I thought Blockbuster was expensive. . . > thank you, sir and have a great time enjoying the movie." > " Thank you." > (At the Tsukino house) SERENA: Or what remained of the Tsukino house, after Mina came through. > " Mmm, it smells great. What are you cooking, Odango?" HARUKA (as Serena): I'm not cooking anything. I just set my hair on fire with the blowdrier. >" Just dinner. > What movie did you rent?" " Uh, it's a surprise." The real reason why that > cashier grinned at Haruka was because the hentai movie that she rented was > a movie about lesbians. DARIEN: Porn trigger *and* betrayal lemon. Double whammy. This is gonna go down hard, guys. SERENA: We're only a sixth of the way in and it's already hurting like a whole bag of Oreos at once. This is gonna be *brutal.* >And the cashier thought that Haruka, as a man, > would like to see the girls' naked bodies, but that wasn't the purpose of > it all. SERENA: All right, don't move, I don't think you want to be going there. . . >" Okay, dinner's ready!" " Mmm, this is a great meal. How did you > learn to cook like this?" HARUKA: From Betty Crocker. This is Hamburger Helper. > " Well, from Home Ec. class and from Mako-chan." > " Oh, well it's great!" " Thank you, Haruka-san." SERENA: Yet another boring conversation completed. > (After dinner) SEIYA: (imitates loud belching noise) DARIEN: Now *that* was juvenile. SEIYA: So's this fic. > Well they both brushed their teeth and went to the living room to > watch the movie. Haruka got out of the bathroom first and slipped the > video in. " What movie are we watching?" " It's still a surprise." Then > the movie went on, it showed the title, Usagi read it aloud, DARIEN (as Serena): "The Postman"? How DARE you subject me to this! This is a fate worse than death! VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: That's what they're watching next on the *other* Satellite of Love. >" Wild > together, hmm, I wonder what's it about." " Watch and you'll see." Usagi > watched and waited for it to start. ~ Hmm, a story about two friends that > are girls, that seems normal. ~ Then they continued to watch and it turned > out that the two girls were homo-sexual. They had sex with eachother. SERENA: At this point, Usagi stopped the VCR, hit Haruka hard on the head and ordered her to get out and never come back. > Usagi watched in amazed shock HARUKA: At the tape's cheap, shoddy production values and extraordinarily bad non-acting > and Haruka just watched impatiently. ~ God, I want her! ~ That's all > Haruka could think of. In the middle of the movie, Haruka put her arm > around Usagi. DARIEN: Bad touch! > ~ I wonder why Haruka rented this movie. It's kind of sick > but it's amazing. SERENA: that Haruka could possibly like this stuff. >I never knew that two girls could make love to > eachother. ~ After the movie, Haruka wante Usagi more than ever. Haruka > was staring into her eyes as if she was in a spell. HARUKA (stoned voice): Oh, wow, dude, that was some *intense* weed! SERENA : Man, you just ate the most acid I've ever seen anyone take in my entire life! >" Haruka, why did you SERENA: subject me to this torture? > rent this video and why are you staring at me like that?" DARIEN: You've got spinach stuck between your teeth. >" Well, don't > you know?" " No, I don't quite understand." Haruka then kissed Usagi and > she suddenly knew why Haruka rented the video. HARUKA: Her "rent-one-get-one-free" coupon from Pussy Cat A Go Go Video was about to expire. >" Haruka, Haruka-san!" > " Yes?" " I don't know what to say, I've never done this before." " Me > neither." SEIYA: My bullshit-o-meter has just pegged. SERENA: Haruka, does this strike you as really, really fake? HARUKA: This author's head is so far up her butt that her lips are plastered against her lungs. SERENA: Thought so. > They kissed eachother and then Haruka broke the kiss. ALL: (loud popping noise) >She lay her down on > the couch and started to unbutton her dress. Then Usagi turned Haruka over > and took off her clothes. " Haruka..., I, I, I want you." " I want you, SERENA and HARUKA: (singing) I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it, and I know, I know, I know, I know I want you! > too." Haruka got back on top of Usagi and started to take off her bra and > panties. Usagi did the same to Haruka. SERENA: Well, look at the bright side - at least the description's kind of sketchy. >Haruka took the lead again and > started to indulge on the power that she had in her hands at the moment. DARIEN (as Haruka): Now ALL power is mine! BWAHAHAHAHA! > She started to caress Usagi's body with her wet tongue. ALL: (loud slurping noise) > Usagi giggled and > waited for her turn. Then Haruka stopped and let Usagi feel the pleasure. > Usagi kissed Haruka a french kiss and then she started to work her way > down Haruka's body. Haruka laughed and went back on top of Usagi. Then she > motioned for Usagi to turn around to her back side. Haruka then stared > down at Usagi's butt and started to have sex with her. HARUKA (as author): Let's see, male homosexuals do it in the butt, so female homosexuals must do something involving the butt too. . . SERENA: Oh no - they're doing it - CLOWN STYLE! > Usagi screamed out SERENA: As the alien burst out of her chest and killed Haruka before her eyes just before she died! SEIYA: > in pleasure and so did Haruka. I don't know how long it lasted SEIYA: Well, if the author doesn't know how long it lasted, nobody would know. > but after > they were done, they walked slowly upstairs. " Oh, Haruka, I can barely > walk." " Me too, I'm all sexed out." They both laughed and continued to > talk upstairs. SERENA: Hehehe, I made a funny. . . >There they fell into Usagi' bed and fell asleep. > (Early in the morning, at about 6 a.m.) > " Ring. DARIEN: Around the collar! >Ring. HARUKA: Around a rosy! > Ring. DARIEN: Dings! > Ring...." ALL: ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE ALREADY! > Usagi awoke and looked at the body laying > beside her. HARUKA (as Usagi): AAAHHHH! Robert Downey Jr. passed out in my bed! >~ Haruka-san. ~ She picked up the phone. " Hello? This is Usagi > speaking." " Usako? Is that you, you sound tired." " Oh, Mamo-chan. It's > you..." " Why aren't you happy to hear from me?" DARIEN (as Usagi): Because it means you haven't escaped from Blue-Winged Angel and you're still stuck in this fanfic with me! SERENA (as Mamoru): But at least we're suffering together. I just wish that there was something I could do to get you out of this. " Yeah, but I'm tired. > It's 6:00 in the morning." " Oh sorry, over here in America it's night. > Well, do you want to know how my trip was?" DARIEN: I have slides. OTHERS: NO! NO SLIDES! > " Yeah, sure." " Well, the > airplane flight was fine, and my roommate has a girlfriend too. His name > is Nick." HARUKA: His girlfriend is a guy named Nick? SERENA: Darien's roommate's girlfriend has "issues." > " Oh, that's great, next time when you call me, call me a little > later, okay, I'm really tired from last night." " Oh, okay, I love you." > " Okay, bye." The phone line was dead. DARIEN: And no amount of CPR could revive it. > ~ Hmm, I wonder why Usako didn't > tell me that she loved me, well, maybe she's really sleepy. ~ SERENA: That reminds me: Darien, I love you. DARIEN: I love you too, sweetheart. HARUKA and SEIYA: Get a room. > (10 a.m. same day) SEIYA: As opposed to 10 a.m. the previous day. > Usagi awoke. " Haruka?" " Yes, Usagi? I'm in the kitchen, downstairs." HARUKA: As opposed to the kitchen in the attic. > " Oh, okay, I'm going to take a shower now." " Okay, Odango." Usagi took a > long shower, after last night, her juices all came out and she felt all > sticky. DARIEN: She's covered in Tang? >~ Hmm, what should I wear? Ah, this looks nice. HARUKA: Good ol' leather teddy. SERENA: Please say you don't own one. . . > ~ She went down > the stairs and greeted Haruka, " Good morning, Haruka." " Good morning, > Odango," Haruka said and looked at Usagi, " Wow! You look great." HARUKA: Did you have liposuction? > " Nothing but the best for the one who gave me so much last night." SERENA: A hernia, multiple deep-tissue bruises. . . > Haruka > blushed. " Well, I got up early and started to make breakfast." " You > didn't have to. I could've." " No, I wanted to, for you. Plus, we only > have 6 more days left." DARIEN: Before the last-ever episode of "Seinfeld"! > " 6 days is enough for romance. So what movie are > we going to rent tonight." " I don't know, why don't we go together?" > " Okay." > (The rental together) > " Good afternoon, sir, is this your girlfriend?" " Well, you could say > that." SERENA: . . . but going that far would be an overstatement. > " Did you enjoy the movie last night?" HARUKA: For $11.99, I bloody well should have. > " Yes I did, it was quite > enjoyable. I would like to return that tape and get some other ones." > " Okay, sure." They looked around the hentai section in search of good > movies. DARIEN: But then, they realized that "good hentai video" was a contradiction in terms. SERENA: Remind me to show you my copy of "End of Summer" when we get home, honey. DARIEN: When? SERENA: When. > " Haruka-san, look here, here's a lot of movies." Haruka walked > over. " Hmm, this one seems nice, Two of a Kind." SERENA: Nice!? NICE!!? WHERE'S SHINJI-KUN WHEN YOU NEED HIM!? I'VE GOT AN "ANGEL" THAT REALLY NEEDS TO BE WASTED. > " And this one, Wild > dance." DARIEN: NO! NOT ONE OF THOSE OLD LAMBADA MOVIES! > " And this one, Lounging among sexes." HARUKA: "Lounging Among Sexes"? The HELL? Even for a porn title, that's stupid! > They brought the videos > over to the cashier. The cashier whispered to Haruka. " Are you going to > watch these tapes with your lovely girlfriend?" " Yes, why?" " Oh, no > reason. Except, wouldn't she disagree to her boyfriend watching these > kind of movies?" SERENA: You bet. Darien, if I ever catch you with one of these in your video collection. . . DARIEN: You have *nothing* to worry about on that front, darling. SERENA: Good. > " No." " Oh, that will be $20.00 plus tax. > You can keep > these videos for a week. Thank you, bye, bye." " Thanks, bye." HARUKA: Wait a second. One video for one night was $11.99, three videos for a week is $20? DARIEN: Don't think about it. Just smile and nod. > (Nights of pleasure) HARUKA: Coming up next, on Spice! > For the rest of the week, they watched one video a day and everyday > they had sex. It was quite enjoyable. DARIEN: Until they found out that someone had secretly videotaped them and posted the tapes on the Net. SERENA and HARUKA: Nani!!?!? DARIEN: Just kidding. . . > Finally the week was over and Haruka > moved backed to her apartment, but they still saw eachother for the next 5 > months and 4 weeks, DARIEN: Why not just say six months? > until Michiru returned. > (The arrival of Michiru) > " So, Haruka, what have you been doing when I was gone?" " Nothing > special, I just spended more time with the princess that's all. ALL: (muted trumpet noises) Wah wah wah WAAAAAHHH!! > (Everyday otherwise) > Everyday, after the sexual week of her life, Usagi started to talk to > Mamoru, everynight for her, every morning for him. She laughed and chatted > with him for hours, until her bedtime. > End of Part 1 ALL: SERENA: Let's get out of here. <2><3><4>