LUNA: While Serena, Darien, Haruka and Seiya were in the theater, I did some research on this Blue-Winged Angel to see what they're up against. It seems she has several hentai fics on Jupiter Knight's archive, all with the same basic plot: Serena sleeps with everyone in sight except for Darien. At the bottom of one of her fics, she had this to say: "Write to me. You may send comments, questions, or suggestions. I can write a fanfic especially for you. But no fanfics with Mamoru and other girls, I'm against that." Well! Talk about your double standards. . .And so, without further ado, we take you: "Inside the Fanfic Labs of Blue-Winged Angel." (Camera pans away from Luna to show Serena, as Blue-Winged Angel, sitting at a desk. She is dressed like a stereotypical female geek, in twin sweater set, plaid skirt, and oversized glasses, and is typing at a computer. Haruka enters, in a man's suit). SERENA: Good morning. Welcome to Blue-Winged Angel's fanfic labs. What can I do for you? HARUKA: I'm wondering if you can do a lemon fanfic based on an idea of mine. . . SERENA: Oooh, doing fanfics for people is what I do best! What is it? HARUKA: It involves Usagi. . .and Ami. SERENA: Terrific idea! It's not done too often. . .I think I can swing it. I'll have it done next Tuesday. HARUKA: Thanks! Now, what do I owe you? SERENA: Now, now, fanfic authors don't accept money. We do it for the looooove! Buh-bye! (Haruka leaves. Seiya comes in, dressed in a leather jacket, T-shirt and jeans). SEIYA: You that Blue-Winged Angel chick? SERENA: That's me. And what can I do for you? SEIYA: A friend of mine is getting married, and I want to give him a customized Sailor Moon lemon for his bachelor party instead of a porno film. SERENA: A wise choice, sir. My lemons are *much* better written than porno movies. (aside) And if you believe that. . . LUNA'S VOICE (offstage): Serena! Stick to the sketch! SERENA: Sorry. (Back in character) So what do you want in your fic, sir? SEIYA: Okay. I want Usagi and Michiru. SERENA: Ooooh, I've never done that one! Usagi and Haruka, yes, but this is a brand-new one! SEIYA: Also, Usagi and Motoki. . .Usagi and Makoto, Rei, and a couple of Negaverse generals. . .and, for a grand finale, Usagi and the entire defensive line of the Green Bay Packers. SERENA: (giggling) You naughty, naughty boy, you! It's a tall order, but I think I can fill it. Next Saturday okay? SEIYA: Great! SERENA: It's been a pleasure, sir. Buh-bye! (Seiya leaves. Darien comes in, dressed in a leisure suit). DARIEN: Blue-Winged Angel, baby! I've got the story that'll make you a fanfic star. SERENA: (gasps, clasps hands together in a grandly theatrical gesture). A star? DARIEN: Yes! Run with this idea, and you'll be one of the leading lights of Sailor Moon hentai! Bigger than Hentai Man! Bigger than Hentai Otaku, even! SERENA: Oh, please, sir, tell me, what is it? DARIEN: It's. . .Mamoru and Ami. (Serena appears thunderstruck. Then, she flies into a rage). SERENA: You want me to write WHAT? Sir! Have you no SHAME? Do you want me to blaspheme EVERYTHING that Sailor Moon STANDS for? Have you NEVER heard of the Miracle Romance? Now out of my fanfic lab! OUT! OUT! OUT! (The alarms and flashing lights start going off) SERENA: Oh no - WE'VE GOT LEMON SIIIIIIGN! <4><3><2> > "Trouble in Paradise" HARUKA: Hell in theater. > Part 2: New year, new pleasure SERENA: New fanfic, new horror. SEIYA: "Trouble in Paradise 2: Electric Boogaloo." > Usagi know was in her second year of High School, her >friends were with her, and she had a relationship with Haruka before. But >she was lonely, Mamoru didn't call her everynight like before, only once a >week, he was busy, it was his second year of college at Harvard University. DARIEN: (Gasp!) I'm winded after reading a run-on sentence that long! > She just wished that someone would take place as Mamoru for a while. SERENA (icier than when she dusted Coprolite): No, I don't. Say that again and in the name of the Moon, I *will* destroy you. > (Surprise!) ALL (singing) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. . . > " Usagi, we have good news and bad news for you. The good > news is that we'll be going on a trip to America..." " America, I can see > Mamo-chan again!" " But, wait, the bad news is HARUKA: That Hentai Man is using you in a series of lesbian pileup stories. SERENA: Don't even joke about that. . . >that you can't come, you must stay in your school, Shingo's school hasn't >started yet and he'll get a little time off from school. DARIEN: Sounds like that at Shingo's school, you're only required to show up one day a year. >I hope that you will be okay here, for 2 months." " 2 months! I'll be okay." HARUKA (as Serena): WOO HOO! PAAAARTY! Nonstop kegger! SERENA: Don't *even.* > " Thank you, dear, you're such a good girl." Her mom kissed her on the > forehead. In two days they left. > (The next day, surprise) SERENA: Not really. > " Usagi, did you hear, you know that guy that had a crush >on you, last year, his name was Seiya, he's also Sailor Star Fighter, DARIEN: And a weasel who can't keep his hands off other people's girlfriends. > well, he's back!" HARUKA (as action-movie announcer): And this time, it's personal! > " Oh. Where's he?" " Over there, talking to the other guys." Minako said > and pointed to a corner where a group of guys were chatting. " Go and talk >to him." Minako said and pushed her over to where the boys were. " Hi, >Seiya." Seiya looked up from the crowd of boys to look at the face who had >that familiar voice. " Odango-atama!" " Yeah, it's me." " Wow, you look >great. So how are you and your boyfriend?" DARIEN: Fine, until you came along. >" We're fine, but he's in America now attending Harvard University." " Wow, >I hear that that is a great college." " Yeah, so where are you going to >stay for the rest of the year?" DARIEN (singing): He's gonna stay at the. . . ALL (singing, and forming letters with their arms): Y-M-C-A! >" I don't know, I might have to rent a hotel." " No you don't, you can stay >at my house for two months until you get enough money to rent a hotel or >until you find a hotel." HARUKA: He's renting a whole hotel? Who does he think he is, Donald Trump? > " No, I couldn't." " Of course, you can. You can move in today after school." >" Thank you. Odango, that's very nice of you, but..." " Don't say but, just >come over this afternoon with your things. I'll see you after school!" >Usagi said and left. > (At home, afternoon 3 p.m.) SERENA: In theater, sometime around 10 a.m. > " So, Seiya you made it. HARUKA: What are you gonna do now? DARIEN (as Seiya): I'm going to Disney World! >What room do you want to sleep in?" SEIYA: Yours! DARIEN: Don't even think it, pal. > " It doesn't matter. I still owe you something for all this." " No you >don't, you'll be keeping me company for 2 whole months, my parents and my >brother are gone for that length of time. So we'll be all alone in this >house." " Oh, okay." She led him up to a room, it was Shingo's room. HARUKA (as Usagi): Just ignore the pee stains on the bed. > " Sorry, that we don't have any guestroom, but we never have guests over >at night." DARIEN: My father turns into a werewolf every full moon. It's kinda embarrassing. > " That's all right. This seems like a nice room." " My brother sleeps in >this room," Usagi motioned for him to put his things down and follow her, " >This is my parents' room," She led him to one last room near the stairway, >" And this is my room." " Yeah, I've been here before, remember?" " Yeah, I >remember." " Yeah, we were only in our first year of High School, now we're >in our second year." DARIEN: Thank you, Mr. Obvious! > " Yeah. Now there's no more wars." SERENA: Right. Sure. Whatever. > " Yeah. Well, I'll unpack now." HARUKA: There aren't this many "yeahs" in the whole of "She Loves You!" >" Okay, what do you want to eat for dinner tonight?" " Anything. It doesn't >matter." > (Night time wishes) DARIEN: The new novel from Harlequin Historical Romances, featuring a nude Fabio centerfold! ALL: EEEEEWWWW!!! SERENA: Another one like that, and you're sleeping on the couch tonight, buster. > " Knock, knock." SERENA: Who's there? DARIEN: Ivana. SERENA: Ivana who? DARIEN: Ivana get out of this theater. >Usagi got out of her bed and opened the door. " Yes, Seiya, is there >anything I can do for you?" ~ Wow, you can do many things for me in that >sexy lingerie. ~ SEIYA: Thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen, you've been a wonderful audience! I'll be here all week! >Seiya was staring at Usagi's clothes. " Yes, Seiya, what >is that you need?" " Oh, I just needed to tell you that I'm not so >comfortable in your brother's bed, it's kind of short. Maybe I'll sleep on >the couch, could you help me move my things?" " Sure, but why don't you >sleep in my parents' room?" " It's far too big for me." DARIEN: Papa Bear's bed was too big, Baby Bear's bed was too small. . . SERENA: So why does Sister Rabbit's bed have to be just right? > " But, the couch is > far more uncomfortable. Sleep in my bed, I'll sleep in my parents' room, or > on the couch." " I don't want to be a nuisance. You should sleep in your > own bed." " Seiya, just sleep with me tonight." Usagi blushed. ~ Wow, am I > dreaming, is she asking me to actually sleep with her?! HARUKA (as Seiya): I think I just wet myself! ~ " Sorry, Seiya, I >put it in the wrong words. Just come and spend the night with me, or a few >nights." DARIEN: Oh, yeah, *that* sounds more innocent. >" Okay." Seiya went into her bed and Usagi went in next to him. " Seiya?" " >Yes?" " Remember last year, when all of the teens in our class said that >you had a crush on me, was it true?" HARUKA: All the *teens* in our class? Nobody talks like that outside of "Leave it to Beaver!" DARIEN: "After him, teen gang!" > " Well, a...okay, it's true, but actually a had a huge crush on you." >Seiya blushed. " Really, I thought that the guys in school aren't >interested in me." " No, actually the group of guys I was talking to this >morning all like you, they don't have girlfriends." " Really, all those >guys?!" " Yeah, it's true. But I'm the luckiest because I get to be with >you." Seiya leaned toward Usagi and tried to kiss her. Usagi backed away. DARIEN (as Usagi): Yuk! Garlic breath! > " Seiya, what about know?" " What do you mean?" " How do you feel about me >now?" " I don't have a crush on you anymore but I love you." " What?! You >can't love me, I have a boyfriend." " But I deserve a chance." " Yeah, >that's right." SERENA: Whoops, there's an extra word in there. That should have been, "Yeah, right." > Usagi pulled Seiya's shirt closer to her, DARIEN: Twisted it, and started to choke him. . . SERENA: A bit dark today, honey? >then she kissed >him. " I can't believe that this is happening." " Me neither, Seiya, me >neither." Usagi released him. " Maybe not tonight, Seiya." " Yeah, anyway >we are still young." SERENA: The day is yet young. . . and already I'm regretting breakfast. > (Next few nights) > The second night to the 30th night, they just kissed. They >got to know eachother really well and each and every day, they fell more in >love with eachother, but one night in the second month. > " Ring..... Ring....." " Hello, this is Usagi speaking." HARUKA: You've reached my love line. Only $3.95 per minute, all major credit cards accepted. >" Usako, I'm sorry that I haven't called you for a month, but I was >terribily busy, forgive me?" " Of course, but why are you calling?" DARIEN: I wanted to make sure that you weren't being hit on by any sleazeballs like Seiya. >" I wanted to hear your lovely voice, only 2 more years and I will return, >my love. Wait for me." " I will." They hung up. " Who was that?" " Oh, my >boyfriend." " Oh." ~ Hmm, she's still in love with her boyfriend and I >don't have much time left to make her fall in love with me. ~ " Odango, >Usagi?" " Yes, Seiya, why did you call me Usagi?" DARIEN: Because it's your name! " Well, I love you even >more now and I want to show you." " Okay. I guess." Seiya went on top of >Usagi and he kissed her passionately. " Mmmm, Seiya." Usagi mumbled. DARIEN (as Homer Simpson): Mmmm, Seiya. HARUKA: My favorite dish - roast Seiya! >Seiya then took off her loose lingerie and he took off his clothes. He >looked sweetly at her and her body. He then moved down to the edge of the >bed and DARIEN: Fell off, cracking his skull on the floor. SERENA: And then his evil spell wore off of Usagi, allowing her to realize that he was all wrong for her, and then she. . . SEIYA: Stop right there. >he kissed her feet in respect. SERENA: And then realized that Usagi and Marissa Picard aren't the same person. >He then worked his way up and kissed her on >the stomach, he moved on up ALL (singing): To a deeeluxe apartment in the sky-y-y. . . >and kissed her on her hand. He then kissed her on the lips and on her >forehead. Then he turned himself down back on the bed for Usagi to pleasure >him. SERENA: Now that's selfish! >She bit at his nipples, first and made Seiya moan. She then put her >tongue in his mouth and tasted DARIEN: Stale beer. SERENA: And the aftertaste of a bowl of Corn Nuts. >his mouth. She tickled him and made him laugh and then she spun them both >around HARUKA: Step right up! Spin the senshi and win a prize! >signaling to Seiya to start. Seiya saw the reply and he kissed her vagina. >He then went up and licked her breasts with his long tongue. He then took >his jacket and took off a bottle of whip cream spray. He sprayed some whip >cream on her breasts and in her vagina so it wouldn't hurt as much and so >it would feel more good. SERENA: Okay. . . I've heard of having a food fetish, but this is ridiculous. >He then started to make love to her. Usagi yelled >and screamed DARIEN: . . .for mercy, but Blue-Winged Angel kept on writing. >Seiya's name repeatedly. Seiya moaned and groaned and lick the whip cream >off her breasts. She giggled in pleasure. SERENA: Yeah, right. >After they were done, they both >were tired. SERENA: Thank you, miss obvious. >They decided to sleep for the rest of the night. " Seiya, that >was great, I never had a feeling like that before with a man." SERENA: You've taught me to throw up in ways I never knew existed. >" Thank you >for letting me do that." " Thank you." Usagi kissed him a goodnight kiss >and they both fell asleep. > (The next morning) SERENA: Seiya found himself on the sidewalk in front of the Tsukino house. > Usagi awoke and looked over to her right side to find Seiya >sleeping next to her, but he wasn't. " Seiya?!" " Yes, Usagi, I'm in your >parents' bathroom, I have a surprise for you." " Okay, I'll be there." " >Oh, and don't wear too much clothes when you come." " Okay." ~ Hmm, if I'm >not suppose to wear too much clothes, then maybe it's a sexual surprise. >I'll wear this. ~ She chose a nice loose gown up to her thighs. She thought >that Seiya would think of it as sexy! HARUKA: But, she was sadly mistaken. He took one look and jumped out the window, screaming. SEIYA: In order to get out of the 'fic. > (At the bathroom) > Usagi brushed her teeth and went into her parents' >bathroom. " Wow! This is great!" She looked around and saw a whole bunch of >roses around the jacuzzi. She saw Seiya in the jaccuzi with a bucket of >strawberries and whip cream. He was wearing a loose shirt with long, loose >pants. DARIEN: He's wearing *clothes* in the *jacuzzi*? HARUKA: And after he asked her to wear next-to-nothing? What a double standard! >" Wow, Seiya you look very cute and this is great!" " Anything for you, >Usagi." " I love it when you call me by my real name." She went over and >kissed him, they both fell into the tub. SERENA and SEIYA: OW! SERENA: Get your hand off of there. . . now! >Seiya quickly undressed her and >himself. He put the strawberries and whip cream over to the side. He >started to pour some whip cream on her body. She did the same. Usagi took a >whole bunch of strawberries and so did Seiya. Seiya put a strawberry on >Usagi and scooped the whip cream off, they both did until some of them were >gone. DARIEN: I don't think Bill Cosby recommends this use for Cool Whip. SERENA: Or, for that matter, Jell-o. > " Too bad, Usagi, the whip cream is gone." " That's okay, but now >make love to me." SERENA: Darien, is it me or was that the LAMEST come-on you've ever heard? >" Okay, whatever you say." SEIYA: Well, that's certainly the lamest RESPONSE to a come-on that I've ever heard. >They started and continued. It >was hard for them to do it in a jacuzzi but they tried their hardest. " SERENA: There is no "try." Only do. . . or do not. >Usagi, is this great or what?" HARUKA (as Usagi): No. There's a faucet in my butt. >" Yeah, Seiya, it is." They talked as they continued with love making. >After they were done, they were full. " Oh, Seiya, I'm so full, with >strawberries and with love." SERENA: ehehehehe. . . I'll kill her. . . >" Me too, but it's not over yet." Seiya turned >on the hot water and they were both in a jacuzzi full of water. They >started to kiss and bathe eachother. Seiya cleaned every part of Usagi, >especially her two sexual parts HARUKA: *Two* sexual parts? She's turned into a hermaphrodite! SERENA AND DARIEN: NO VIRGIN WARRIOR FLASHBACKS! >, Seiya did the same. " Oh, Seiya, this is great, I did the greatest thing >I have ever done when I invited you over." " Yeah and I'm really thankful." >" Me too." > (After the romantic climax) > " Ring... DARIEN: In the bathtub! >Ring... HARUKA:-go Starr! >Ring.... DARIEN: Of the Niebelung! >Ring..." ALL: FOR GOD'S SAKE, ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE! >" I'll answer it, Usagi." SERENA: No, dammit, this is my house! >" Okay." " Hello?" " Uh, hello? May I speak to >Usagi please?" " Sure. Usagi! There's someone on the phone for you." " Yes, >thank you Seiya, hello?" " Hello, Usako, who was that?" " Oh, it's a >friend." " Oh, well, I just wanted to talk to you, since I am free." " >Okay, but I need to go, I'm busy. Sorry." SERENA: Who the hell does this Blue-Winged Angel think I am!? I'm never too busy to talk to Darien! SEIYA: Well, the joke was that my name was supposed to mean "He who walks on forbidden ground. . ." >" That's okay." " Okay, bye. I >love you." " Bye." > " Ring... SERENA: Around the rosie. . . >Ring... SEIYA: Around the collar. . . >Ring... SERENA: Of fire. . . >Ring..." ALL: ANSWER THAT PHONE! >" Hello?" " Usagi!" " Mom! >Yes, what is it?" " Well, our flight is going to be delayed for a while, >it's not good over here, the weather, and we will be delayed for 10 >months." (All laugh themselves silly) DARIEN: A 10 month weather delay? I knew El Nino was creating some weird weather patterns, but this is ridiculous! >" 10 months!" " Yes, I'm sorry." " That's okay, I can take care of myself." >~ With a little help from Seiya, of course. ~ " Okay, well, I love you, >dear, bye." " Bye." > " Seiya, did you hear, my parents are going to be gone for >10 months, now!" HARUKA: It's the biggest case of author contrivance in history! SERENA: Bigger than Ratliff, bigger than Clare Mosley, it's Blue Winged Angel! SEIYA: And even bigger than Blue Winged Angel, it's EVA-01! > " That's great!" > End of Part 2 DARIEN: Woo hoo! We can get out of here! VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: Oh, no you don't. No breaks! You're going to read the rest of this fic straight through! ALL: NANI?!?!?!? VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: You heard me. Now sit down and. . . HARUKA: You will pay for this, you goggle-eyed freak. When we get out of here, we're going to kidnap you, handcuff you to a lumpy cot, and force you to read Sailor Moon/Xena crossovers! VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: Been there. Done that.