> " Trouble in Paradise" > Part 3: Incident in the love world SERENA: Violence in the Satellite of Love. > " Seiya! After school today, I have a doctor appointment, >could you take me?" " Yeah, sure." > (At the doctor's office) > " So, Usagi, is this your boyfriend?" " Well, you could say >that." " Okay, well, he'll have to wait outside for the checkup." " Okay." >Seiya left the room, but was peeking through a hole. DARIEN (as Seiya): Oooh yeah! Medical exams - that's what I get off on! >The doctor checked Usagi and found something weird. DARIEN: Her asshole opened every time she took a deep breath. >" Usagi, I need to tell you some bad news, tell your boyfriend to come in >also." Yes, what is it? Am I sick?" " Worst then that, you're pregnant." " >What?!" Seiya exclaimed and he got Usagi as she fainted. > (Back at home) > " Seiya, did you have to cause this incident? Why couldn't >you wear a condom?" " Well, I don't have any, you're the first girl I have >made love to." " Oh, Seiya, I can never keep staying angry at you." She >hugged him. HARUKA: She just forgives him, just like that? I would have kicked his ass! SERENA SEIYA: Umm. . . Is this a bad sign, Darien? > (The 9 months waiting) HARUKA: For this fanfic to be over. > Seiya took good care of Usagi for the whole 9 months, I >guess that you could say that he was a good friend and father. SERENA: You could, but that would be a huge leap of logic. > (Delivery day) > " Seiya?" " Yes, is there something that you need?" " Yes, >I need a ride to the hospital, I'm going to have a baby." " Aaahh, now?" " >Yes, now." " Okay, well let's go." Seiya carried Usagi outside and he >hailed a taxi. DARIEN: Hail, taxi! All bow down before the almighty taxi! OTHERS: Chrome. . . Chrome. . . Chrome. . . SEIYA: Bop-bob-a-loom-op! >They went to the hospital, he paid the driver. They got into the hospital >and everything was handled fast, except for the delivery, Seiya watched as >Usagi was in pain. He held her hand. Finally the baby came out and the >mother went to her room. > " Usagi? You have a new baby boy." She handed them a baby. >They looked at him. " Wow, he looks exactly like you Seiya." DARIEN: Poor kid. >" Yeah, but he is like you too, look at how cute he looks." The baby looked >at his parents. " What should we name him, Usagi?" " How about Seiya Jr.?" >" Perfect." SERENA: -ly hideous. > (The last month of school, the last month of being really >close) > Seiya proposed to Usagi, but Usagi couldn't except, she was >engaged to another. She looked at her left ring finger. ~ Wait a minute, >where's my ring? I must have lost it in the jacuzzi, oh, no, now I'm not >engaged to Mamoru, literally. ~ (All groan) DARIEN: Oh, *come on*! She loses her ring, and that means the engagement is broken? The ring is just a symbol, dammit! HARUKA: Ladies and gentleman, the other biggest case of author contrivance in history. >" Seiya, I except your proposal." " Great!" After school, they waited two >years and got married when they were both 18. There child was 2. All the >senshi, Star Maker & Healer & their princess, and Usagi's family were >invited. No one complained or said anything, but they probably thought. DARIEN: That Usagi either had to be either possessed by the Negaverse or doing heavy-duty drugs to be that stupid. > (The arrival) > " Usako?" " Mamo-chan?" " Yes, it's me!" Mamoru noticed >that Usagi wasn't happy. " What's wrong?" " I...I...I am married, >Mamo-chan." " What?! To whom?" " A young, man named Seiya. We accidentely >had sex without him wearing a condom and I gave birth to a baby boy two >years ago. I'm sorry, Mamo-chan, but don't think that I married him for >just the baby, it's also because I love him. I would've married you if I >haven't lost my ring that you gave me." "That's okay, DARIEN: "That's okay"? "THAT'S OKAY"? THAT'S THE LAST THING IN THE WORLD I WOULD SAY! IF I EVER GET MY HANDS ON THIS AUTHOR. . . >but let me borrow you for just one night." " Okay, if Seiya agrees." ALL: WOO HOO! NOW WE *ARE* OUT OF HERE! (They run from the theater) (Haruka is standing front and center with microphone. The others are behind her on folding chairs). MAGIC VOICE: And now, the Satellite of Love All Talk Show Network presents the Rukie Lake Show. HARUKA: You've been through the wedding, you've settled down into what you hope will be a quiet, peaceful married life, when suddenly, your spouse's ex-fiance arrives back in town. Now your spouse wants to spend the night with her ex because she feels he's entitled because he was engaged to her first. That's our topic today - "Does My Ex-Fiance Still Have Marital Rights Even Though I Married Someone Else?" This is Seiya Kou and his wife, Usagi. Seiya and Usagi have been married for about six months. They had a child together before they got married. Seiya, why don't you tell us something about your courtship? SEIYA: Well, Rukie, we stayed together while Usagi's family was out of town and over a while - they were gone for a LONG time - we discovered that we loved each other and. . . DARIEN: Oh, no. That's not the way it is at all. You put my Usagi under some kind of evil spell and. . . HARUKA: Mr. Chiba! You haven't been properly introduced to the audience yet! This is Usagi's ex-fiance, Mamoru Chiba. He believes he is entitled to have marital relations with Seiya's wife. . . DARIEN: She's *not* his wife, dammit! She and I have been destined for each other since the beginning of time. I love her and she loves me and he's just a buttinsky who tries to break up other people's relationships! SEIYA: You just don't know when to quit is all! You think that just because of what happened a thousand years in the past. . . DARIEN: You expect me to believe that crap, you little skunk? (He starts to rise from his chair) You're a (BLEEEEEEEP!) SEIYA: Yeah, well. . . (Haruka gets between them) HARUKA: Guys! Guys! Come on, calm down for a minute! (They reluctantly go back to their seats) Usagi, what do you think of all this? What's your side of the story? SERENA: Well, after my parents went to America, I was home on my own. Even with the other Senshi there, I was so lonely, and Seiya took advantage of it! I'll never forgive myself for falling for him! DARIEN: I told you that she'd never betray me! Now get away from her, you weasel! SEIYA: I'LL FIX YOU, YOU LYING SACK OF (BLEEP)! DARIEN: THAT DOES IT! (He leaps for Seiya, and they fall down behind the desk, brawling. Serena tries to pull them apart, Haruka tries to restore order) HARUKA: Please! Stop it! This isn't doing any good. . . (Darien pokes his head up) DARIEN: It's not just me, Rukie! He put the moves on your girlfriend, too! HARUKA: NANI!?!?!? DARIEN: Cambot-2, run Clip #25! (We see the scene from "Stars" where Seiya hits on Michiru in her backstage dressing room. When it's over, Haruka looks PISSED). HARUKA: You BASTARD! (She leaps at Seiya, and now it's a three-way brawl. Serena tries to pull them apart again, and then suddenly, the lights and alarms go off. The brawlers freeze and pop up into our view. Haruka has Seiya's ponytail in both hands and is yanking it, while Darien is pulling on one of Seiya's earrings. Seiya's face is distorted as only an anime character's can be. Meanwhile, one of his hands is pulling on Haruka's bangs and the other is trying to choke Darien.) SERENA: WE'VE GOT LEMON SIIIIIGN! OTHERS: (breaking apart) LEMON SIIIIIGN! <5><4><3><2><@> SEIYA: Thanks a *lot,* Darien, I think you cut my ear pulling on my earring. It was just a *sketch,* you didn't need to get that carried away. > (The night) HARUKA: Belongs to Michelob. > Mamoru invited Usagi to his house, they had a romantic >dinner and they danced, and then they almost slept together. " Mamoru-san, >maybe we shouldn't. I'm married now." " Yes, but actually I was engaged to >you first and I should deserve something." " Yes, that's true." They made >love to eachother, Mamoru groaned and moaned DARIEN: Oh, I'm groaning and moaning, all right. >in pleasure. And Usagi just screamed out his name. Usagi didn't feel >comfortable. SERENA: Dammit, the bed's too small. Mamo-chan, why did you go back to that little bitty cot they show in your apartment in the anime? > (After the romantic climax) DARIEN: Usagi shook off the Dark Energy she was possessed by, realized she loved Mamoru, and begged his forgiveness. He held and comforted her as she cried, and then he went after Seiya with the Earth Blade, which he proceeded to shove right up his. . . SEIYA: Let's not go there. > " Usako, I could feel your uncomfortableness, did I do >something wrong, or not do good enough?" SERENA: It's just this fic. You could never disappoint me, Muffin. >" No, it was just fine, but I >don't feel comfortable because I have a husband and a baby boy." SERENA: And an author who thinks nothing of splitting us up. >" I >understand, don't worry I wore a condom, so we won't have any child >together. But, I still love you, even though you married someone else. But >I understand." " Yes, thank you, Mamo-chan, but I'm sorry that I played a >game with your heart." HARUKA: She used his heart for a volleyball! SERENA and DARIEN: Quit playing games with my heart. . . > " Thank you for staying with me tonight. I know that you probably would >have had a >better time with Seiya tonight but you still came over." SERENA: Oh come *on!* SEIYA: You never know until you. . . URRK! SERENA: [has Seiya by the shirt collar] If you *ever* make a comment like that again, I'm gonna tighten that dog collar you wear in Senshi form until your *hair* turns blue, catch my drift? SEIYA: [choking] Caught. . . SERENA: [sweetly] Good. >" You don't need to thank me, Mamo-chan." She kissed him and went to sleep. > (Back at Seiya's new house) > " Papa, where's mama?" HARUKA (as Seiya): She left us for a truck driver named Butch. >" Well, she's visiting a friend. She'll be back in the morning. I'll tuck >you in tonight." " Okay, I love you, papa." " I love you, too, son." Seiya >kissed his son on the forehead and tucked him in. > (The next day) > " Seiya! Seiya Jr.! I'm back!" Usagi came back and yelled. >Seiya and Seiya Jr. ran to her and hugged her. " We missed you." They both >said happily. Seiya Jr. noticed the looks on his parents faces. DARIEN (as Seiya Jr.): Oh, crap, they've been hitting the sauce again. >" I'll go play in my room." " Okay." Seiya motioned for his wife to sit on >the couch for a talk. " So, what did you do last night over at >Mamoru-san's?" " Well, you probably know, anyway." " Yes, I do. It's okay, >I mean he deserves it, because he was engaged to you first. DARIEN: Does *anyone* in this fic have any moral standards? >And then I married you." " Yeah." SERENA: And there's your answer. > (For the rest of their lives) > Seiya and Usagi both got jobs in a very successful business >company, in which they sold things like computers and other high tech >stuff. Seiya got a job as a manager, whom in which he talked to other >clients, Usagi was his secretery. SERENA: A *secretary!?* Yeah right! >They worked well together. There were no >female clients, all male, HARUKA: You know, for a female author, she's got an awfully sexist attitude. >and the younger ones usually flirted with the secretery just for fun, until >they found out that she was married to the big boss. SERENA: Now wasn't that predictable? > As for the other senshi, they worked in the company too as >secreteries for other people, DARIEN: Oh, yeah, *right*! Amy's going to give up her medical career and Lita's going to give up her dream of owning a restaurant to work as secretaries for *Seiya*! SERENA: Like Raye's going to give up her dream of being a singer to work as a secretary for Seiya! SEIYA: Like I'd want to destroy Crystal Tokyo. . . >actually they built the company and it would last forever because of >Usagi's ginzishou. As for Mamoru, he never married anyone, but instead he >worked as assistant manager and he got to spend time with Usagi as just >friends. SERENA: Poor Darien. . . > The End ALL: OR IS IT? > So what did you think? ALL (making "okay" signs with their hands): It stinks! >Hey if you liked this story then read the others. ALL: OTHERS? AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!! >They're not too hentai as the beggining of this one, but they are okay. SERENA: "Too hentai" would be an MMMMFFFFF!!! DARIEN: Please don't say it, love. We don't want to give Forrester ideas. VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: I don't need to be given any ideas. I've got enough of them on my own. > Nicole ^-^ <6> <5> <4> <3> <2> <1> HARUKA: So this is what you go through *all the time*? SERENA: Yep. This Forrester character captured us and trapped us here, and he's forcing us to read bad fanfics. DARIEN: And he's nullified our Scout powers, so we can't teleport out of here or stop the fanfics while they're in progress. SEIYA: Well, Odango, it looks like we're going to be sharing your fate. . .(He starts to move in on her again, but before he can touch her - or before Darien can interrupt him - the voice of Dr. Forrester is heard:) VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: That's where you're wrong, gender bender. Mr. Kou, Ms. Ten'oh, you two are out of here. I only needed you as specimens for this one experiment. I'm warning you: if you come after Frank and I, you'll never find us. And even if you *do,* none of your Scout powers will work. Have a nice day. (Haruka and Seiya disappear with a "poof!") And as for you lovebirds. . .the experiments are *far* from over. I happen to have a *lot* of Blue-Winged Angel fanfics stored up. . .(He attempts a maniacal laugh and ends up choking and spluttering instead. The sound abruptly cuts off). (Serena and Darien cling to each other) SERENA: Oh, Darien. . . DARIEN: I know, honey, I know. But no matter how much pain he throws at us, there's one thing he can't take away - we have each other. SERENA: I'm glad he sent Haruka home. She would have been absolutely miserable stuck up here without Michiru. I don't know how Lita's managing to get along without Ken. . . VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: Oh, yeah, and speaking of Lita, I'm letting your other little friends out of their rooms now. (The other Inners burst onto the bridge). LITA: Oh, my Gods, look at them! He put them through some unspeakable torture! RAYE: What did you do to them, you spiky-haired bozo? VOICE OF DR. FORRESTER: Oh, keep your drawers on, fireball. I just made them read a Blue-Winged Angel fanfic. AMY, MINA, LITA, RAYE: BLUE-WINGED ANGEL?!?!? AMY: You beast! RAYE: You sleazebucket! LITA: You scumball! MINA: You troll! DR. FORRESTER: Yadda, yadda, yadda, I know the drill. You'll *all* be reading the next one - something to look forward to! Toodle-loo for now, my little lab rats. . . RAYE: Oooh, just wait until we get out of here! I'm gonna toast that bastard into charcoal briquettes! AMY: Maybe this will make us feel better. When I was trapped in my room, I downloaded my e-mail. It seems that Dr. Forrester posted our "Sailor Moon: Fantasy!" experiment on the Web, and a lot of people liked it. SERENA: Really? Let's see. (Amy produces her microcomputer. The others gather around it as she reads:) AMY: This first one is from a Sailor Spectra: "I just finished reading this story. It was hilarious. I cannot believe that somebody could be such a horrible writer! I hope you will write more soon." SERENA: We couldn't believe anybody could be such a horrible writer either, Spectra. MINA: And as Forrester just promised us, we will *definitely* be riffing on more fics. Unfortunately for us. AMY: And this next one is from Ninx. DARIEN: Not to be confused with. . .minx. SERENA: (hugging him, in a sexy tone of voice): Mmmm, I just *love* when you call me that, Muffin. OTHERS: GET A ROOM! AMY: Ahem. Here's Ninx's letter: "I am not a hentai reader, but I love MST3000, and therefore had to check it out. I may not be finished, but GOD, do I love this fic!" LITA: Thanks for the comments, Ninx! And you may want to rethink not being a hentai reader - there *are* some good authors out there. Like Sexylyon, Ivana B. Anonymous, Lady M. Harris, Sailor Star Love, Lady Jupiter. . . RAYE: Just avoid any author with the word "Hentai" in his pen name. AMY: Here's another reader who was stunned at how bad Crystal Knight's fic was: "Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha... ROTFL big-time... And other expressions of slightly hysterical approval... Translated - this is *funny*. Damned funny. Good on both of you... I'm just amazed (because I'm a sort of innocent ^_^ ) that *anyone* could or would publish that original story. Oh well... certainly the best MST3000 I've read on an anime topic... Martin D. Pay Wishing more humour was done this well..." DARIEN: The best ever? Now that's a *heavy* compliment, considering how many great anime MSTers there are out there. Megane 6.7, Seth Triggs. . . SERENA: Thanks a lot, Martin! LITA: Only why did he say "both of you" when there's six of us? AMY: And this one is from Ken Wolfe: "Absolutely hilarious. Had me laughing louder than anything I've read in a long time. 'Nuff said." MINA: Looks like our riffing went over *real* well! AMY: Well. . .not with everyone. We also got *this* e-mail. . . "You don't know me,but I know you. You had altered my fanfics. I was once known as Who09@aol.com. I do not like my fanfics of Sailor Moon altered. No matter if it is Hentai. Do it again I will clobber you." AMY: Yes, it's from Crystal Knight himself. DARIEN: Well. This is bad. This is very, very bad. (Pause) DARIEN: He changed e-mail addresses. The Cyber Rose Bombs didn't reach their target! SERENA: Bummer! AMY: Yes, but haven't you forgotten, Darien? We did that upgrade. . . DARIEN: Ah, yes! Now we can send him Deluxe Cyber Rose Bombs! LITA: What's the difference? AMY: Regular Cyber Rose Bombs force the recipient to read the complete works of Stephen Ratliff every time he or she turns on the computer. The Deluxe version adds the complete works of Oscar and Nav. SERENA: Whoa. . .that's *real* harsh. DARIEN: Shall we "clobber" him? OTHERS: YEAH! (Darien inserts a floppy into Amy's computer and types on the keyboard) DARIEN: Deluxe Cyber Rose Bombs. . .awaaaaay!!! LITA: Well, that'll fix him for awhile! RAYE: I don't think we'll have to worry about any more fics from him. SERENA: What do you think, sirs? (Deep 13) DR. FORRESTER: I think you can just keep playing with your little toys, Failure Scouts. Pretty soon, I'm going to come up with the fic that will drive you absolutely. . .FRANK! What are you doing? (Frank is hauling a huge load of videocassettes) FRANK: I went to Pussycat A Go Go Video and rented a bunch of tapes to help me do research for my hentai fanfic writing. Check this handle I came up with for myself. . .The Hentai Dude. WOOH! DR. FORRESTER: (picks up one of the tapes, looks at the receipt attached to it): Frank! These tapes are $11.99 per day! FRANK: Oh, don't worry. I only had them for two weeks. I'm taking them back now. DR. FORRESTER: Two. . .weeks? This will mean PAIN, Frank. Cattle prods! Thumbscrews! The iron maiden! FRANK: Heh heh. . .how about if I just. . .push the button? FORRESTER: Oh, no don't. You're not getting out of this that - *PHWOOOOO* (After a few seconds of blackness, a new scene appears: a shadowy alley in Tokyo. Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune approach a mysterious figure hiding in the shadows:) HARUKA: Thanks for flying in from Australia to meet with us. We think you're just the man who can help us out. MICHIRU: Our friends are being held captive on something called a Satellite of Love by a Dr. Forrester. My girlfriend was kidnapped there for a day. HARUKA: And it was unspeakably awful. I was forced to read the most torturously bad fanfic you can imagine. . . MICHIRU: We understand you know more about this Dr. Forrester and his hideout than anyone on the planet. HARUKA: So. . .will you work with us? (The mysterious figure moves out of the shadows, slowly, slowly, and then we see who it is. . .) JOEL ROBINSON: Yes, I will. (Fade to black) (Fade in again on the SOL1) MIKE: Hey guys, it's Dr. F and his sidekick, Laurence of Bleach. SERENA: Please. . . help us, Michael J. Nelson, you're our only hope! MIKE: Somehow, of all the things I was expecting from Dr. Forrester, this one never even started to cross my mind. New idea for the invention exchange, Dr. F? Don't tell me - you've found the cursed springs of Jusenkyou. SERENA: I'm not Dr. Forrester - I'm Serena Tsukino, also known as the Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon. We're trapped up here by Dr. Forrester as well. Can you guys help us get back to Tokyo? CROW: WOW! You're Sailor Moon! COOL! Can I have your autograph? SERENA: If you guys help us get back to Earth, sure. Can you tell us where in space we are, anyway? GYPSY: We're in a geosynchronous orbit over Deep Thirteen, a top-secret Gizmonics Institute research lab buried deep under St. Paul, Minnesota. AMY: So, what should we do to get out of here? (fade to black again) VOICE of FORRESTER: I've got to get that button fixed. SAILOR SAYS SERENA: In today's experiment, Usagi got pregnant because Seiya didn't wear a condom. DARIEN: He thought that you couldn't get pregnant the first time, which is absolutely untrue. You can get pregnant whether it's your first time or your fifty-first. SERENA: And birth control isn't the only reason to use condoms. They can literally save your life. You may think that AIDS can't happen to you, but it can happen to any sexually active person, regardless of age or sexual preference. DARIEN: Any guy who really loves a woman will want to protect her. SERENA: So remember: true love is safe love! Sailor Moon Says! Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson. Sailor Moon was created by Naoko Takeuchi. None of these characters are ours, we're just borrowing them for awhile. This is not a personal attack on the poster, just on what she posted. The sketch involving Blue-Winged Angel was parody, and was not intended as an actual portrayal of the author. Thanks to everyone who wrote to us commenting on our first MSTing, "Sailor Moon: Fantasy!" Both of us were amazed at the response we got - the amount of mail was more than either of us had ever received on a single work. A representative sampling of the letters appears here. We wish we could have published everyone's e-mails, but we just didn't have the space. Thanks again, everyone. . . Writers Mark Berger Sailor Mac Host Segments Directed By Mark Berger and Sailor Mac Cast SERENA TSUKINO/SAILOR MOON Terri Hawkes DARIEN CHIBA/TUXEDO MASK Toby Proctor RAYE HINO/SAILOR MARS Katie Griffin AMY ANDERSON/SAILOR MERCURY Karen Bernstein LITA KINO/SAILOR JUPITER Susan Roman MINA AINO/SAILOR VENUS Stephanie Morganstern HARUKA TEN'OH/SAILOR URANUS Ogata Megumi MICHIRU KAIOH/SAILOR NEPTUNE Katsuki Masako SEIYA KOU/SAILOR STAR FIGHTER Niiyama Shiho DR. FORRESTER and CROW Trace Beaulieu TV'S FRANK Frank Coniff JOEL ROBINSON Joel Hodgson MIKE NELSON Michael J. Nelson GYPSY Jim Mallon TOM SERVO Kevin Murphy Keep circulating the fansubs. . . >" Well, our flight is going to be delayed for a while, >it's not good over here, the weather, and we will be delayed for 10 >months."