(We see Amy alone on the bridge, wearing a very scholarly pair of glasses, standing in front of a covered easel) MAGIC VOICE: And now, the Satellite of Love Cable Health Network is proud to present "Dr. Amy Anderson on Basic Human Anatomy." AMY: Thank you very much. Today, I would like to address the anatomical errors found in the work of fanfiction entitled "Sailor Moon: Fantasy!" by Crystal Knight. Mr. Knight has attempted to present depictions of sexual intercourse without any foreknowledge of how the human body actually works. (She uncovers easel to show diagram of male sexual organs, inside and out). Mr. Knight seems to think it is possible for men to "just stop" having sex without orgasm. This is grossly inaccurate, because unless the man loses his erection due to some sort of problem, it is physically impossible for him to terminate the sexual act without coming to a climax. As one can see, the penis becomes engorged and remains so until orgasm. And furthermore, Mr. Knight, is *impossible* for a man to maintain an erection for two hours! (She is starting to look a bit frazzled). First of all, such a state is medically known as priapism, and it is *incredibly* painful. It is not a state that a man would *want* to be in. Second, do you think someone would *want* to maintain the level of excitement of sexual intercourse for two hours? (Her state of being frazzled escalates). For one thing, you'd probably induce a heart attack! Is that what you fantasize about, Crystal Knight? Giving yourself a coronary? How STUPID can you. . . (She catches herself, takes a deep breath, and composes herself again). Well. Never mind about that. Back to our serious medical discussion. . . (She switches to the next diagram on the easel, which shows the external female genitalia) Now, I would like to address this author's confusion about just where the opening is where intercourse occurs. Mr. Knight says at several points, "He put it in her clit." This is wrong, grossly wrong. Mr. Knight has obviously confused the vagina, which is a tunnel, with the clitoris, which is a solid organ located just above the vagina and is the center of physical pleasure for a woman. If he had bothered to do the *slightest* amount of research before beginning his so-called "lemon," (she's getting frazzled again) he would know that putting a penis *in* a woman's clitoris is not only anatomically impossible, it would be EXTREMELY PAINFUL if such a thing were possible! And furthermore (her frenzy is escalating), what the HELL was that business about "take a deep breath so your asshole will open?" Where did he get THAT one from? If EVERYONE'S RECTAL ORIFICE OPENED EVERY TIME THEY TOOK A DEEP BREATH, WE'D HAVE ONE HELL OF A MESS EVERY TIME SOMEONE WENT JOGGING, WOULDN'T WE? AND FURTHERMORE. . . (Raye and Lita run on-stage and start shaking the frantic Amy) RAYE: Amy! Amy! Get ahold of yourself! LITA: Chill out, Aims! It's just a bad fanfic, remember? AMY (back to herself, deeply embarrassed: blushing, hiding her face in her hands): I'm. . .I'm sorry. . .I just don't know what came over me. . . RAYE: (hugging her) It's okay. We've all been through a horrible trauma with this thing. . .and it'll be over soon. It's just got to be. LITA: Umm, guys. . .you don't think that Crystal Knight's written any *other* fanfics, do you? (There is a pause. Then, all three girls in unison:) ALL: AAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHH! (Alarms, flashing lights, etc.) ALL: WE'VE GOT LEMON SIIIIIIGN! <4><3><2> >Sailor Moon:Fantasy! [Hentai] >Episode:03 >"Serenity's Fantasy, Fantasy Sailor Moon Appears!" >By the "Crystal Knight!" >E-Mail: Who09@aol.com SERENA: Amy, mail-bomb the scum. AMY: Are you suggesting. . . high-tech payback? Consider it done. >Recommended for those 18 and over. SERENA: "Not recommended for those whose *mental* age is 18 or over." >Note: This Fan Fiction contains descriptions of nudity >and sex. Read at your own risk! SERENA: 'Risk' implies that you *could* get something positive out of it. As far as I can tell, there's nothing positive to be had from this fanfic. >Now on to the story! MINA: Must we? > ~EPISODE:03 "Serenity's Fantasy, Fantasy Sailor Moon Appears!"~ > Darien took his wife Serenity out of the hotel and decided to let her have a >good time with him. He always wanted her to be happy as much as possible. She >felt safe around him. SERENA: The poor, deluded fool. . . MINA: Serenity or the author? SERENA: Take your pick. >They walked for a long time. Darien spoke up. >Darien: "Serenity, where would you like to eat at?" >Serenity: "Why don't you choose, Surprise me!" >Darien: "Okay." Darien thinks for a bit and then he thinks of a >place. >Darien: "How about that Sizzler Steak house?" >Serenity: "That's sounds good to me." SERENA: NANI!!? Did she...just...agree to...? Lita-chan, are you certain a lesbian lemon wouldn't have been less painful than this? DARIEN: First I'm buying her polyester undies, now I'm taking her to Sizzler. Who does this guy think I am--Al Bundy? >Darien: "Okay, Let's go inside." >Darien and Serenity enter the resturant and ordered steak and the food that >all they could eat. SERENA: Unlike me - I'm having a hard time keeping that snack that Dr. Forrester misnamed 'lunch' down. >Soon Darien had taken his newly wedded wife to a dress >shop. Darien took Serenity in. >Woman: "Hello, anything I can do for you?" >Darien: "I want to buy my wife a dress or two." >Woman: "We havy many types of dresses, what are you looking for?" >Darien: "Serenity, what kinds of dresses do you want?" >Serenity: "Long dresses, made of satin. RAYE: Oh, yeah, THAT's something to wear to the 7-11. SERENA: And these people, unlike Darien and I, would actually go to a 7-11. I would like them to be in the colors >pink, yellow, blue or white." >Woman: "Ok, come this way." The woman showed Serenity many dresses. Serenity >saw a yellow dress with Crescent moons on it. >Serenity: "Can I try it on?" SERENA: I *don't* like where this is headed one bit. >Woman: "Sure, here is the dressing room." Serenity goes in and puts on the >dress and then comes back out. Serenity then comes back out with the dress >on. DARIEN: Hey, she changed clothes and we weren't treated to a thread-by-thread description! It's a Biblical sign of the Apocalypse! MINA: (as Homer Simpson) Marge! It's the Rapture! Hide Bart! >Serenity: "What do you think, do you like it, muffin?" LITA (singing): "I said, you ain't seen nothin' till you're down on the muffin. . ." >Darien: "Yes, it looks good on you! Do you want it?" >Serenity: "Yes. Thanks." Darien then hands some money to the woman. >Woman: "Thanks. Enjoy." Darien then took Serenity to a local >park. Darien held his princess' hand. He thought to himself that he was lucky >to have a such fine young woman like her. MINA: Unlike the author, who will never have a woman unless she's desperate or brain-dead. >Serenity: "Moon Crystal Power!" Serenity tries to transform >into Sailor Moon, but nothing happened. SERENA: Why is Serenity trying to become Sailor Moon? The only youma in this story is the author. >Darien: "What happened? Should you be Sailor Moon now? Right?" >Serenity: "I should, but maybe I can't be Sailor Moon anymore, because I am >the Moon Princess." SERENA: Okay, so before, what was I, chopped liver? >Darien: "Maybe, I think the Silver Crystal has lost most of it's power after >you saved Crystal Tokyo." SERENA (heating up): No it didn't. It's just an author contrivance so he can make me into his pathetic little sex-doll. MINA: Getting bitter, Serena? SERENA: You betcha. >A tear came from Serenity's eye and fell on the >Silver Crystal, changing it's form >and giving it a new shape and full of energy. >Darien: "It's beautiful, sweetheart! What is it?" >Serenity: "The Fantasy Crystal. My fantasy was to be Sailor Moon again, but >not just a cute Sailor Moon. But a Sexier Sailor Moon." SERENA (simmering): THERE!! What'd I tell you!? >Darien: "Oh?" >Serenity: "Yes. Moon Fantasy Power!" Serenityis suddenly nude. LITA: Just like in three-quarters of this story. Ribbons cover >Serenity's pussy. A white pair of satin bikini panties forms. Then Ribbons >form around Serenity's breasts and a strapless white stain bra forms. Then >Ribbons form a white, blue and red blouse. Then Ribbons form a light blue >skirt that's see though. RAYE: Then ribbons encircle the author's throat and pull tighter and tighter. . . DARIEN: Dream on. Then red boots form and then the Moon tiara and the >red jewels form in the meatballs. Darien looks at his wife that just >transformed into Sailor Moon. >Darien: "I think you are beautiful as always. RAYE: Dammit, that's the sixty gazillionth time he's said the same thing. What is he, a Talking Tuxedo Mask Pull-String Doll? LITA: The doll would have had a bigger vocabulary. What are you going to call >yourself?" The new Sailor Moon thought about it and then answered. >Fantasy Sailor Moon: "Because being a more sexy Sailor Moon was my fantasy, I >will call myself....Fantasy Sailor Moon. SERENA (starting to boil): A big stake through this author's heart is *my* fantasy. DARIEN: Dr. Forrester roasting on a spit is *my* fantasy. >Then Fantasy Sailor Moon detransformed back into Serenity. SERENA (temper reaches critical mass): I do NOT exist to be treated like some pathetic little blow-up doll for this jerk's wank-off purposes! I am the warrior of Love and Justice, SAILOR MOON!! And I will not forgive you, Crystal Knight, or YOU, Clayton Forrester! On behalf of the Moon, I'LL DAMN WELL PUNISH YOU!!! > A few days later, Darien and Serenity returned to Tokyo. Thier friends was >very happy to see them again. They noticed that Serenity had changed in many >ways since they last saw her. LITA: Well, she changed her underwear about a million times. . . Serenity would tell them how she had changed. >They were living peacefully and happy. Their peace is not to last, because a >new villain is coming.... >NEXT EPISODE: "Serenity's new enemy!" SERENA: Meanwhile, in *this* episode, we already know that my enemy is the Crystal Knight. . . RAYE: (breathing, not quite literally, fire) I WON'T LET YOU ABUSE THEM ANYMORE, YOU MOUTH-BREATHING ILLITERATE GEEK! DARIEN: (slumped over in his seat) When does the hurting stop? MINA: Let's get the hell out of here. <2><3><4> (All are back on bridge, looking stunned.) AMY: Well. That was. . . . RAYE: Very. . .very. . . LITA: Not that good. (Pause). SERENA: Aw, who the hell are we fooling? That thing sucked eggs! If I ever get my hands on that Crystal Knight. . . DARIEN: Oh, don't worry. I think there's something we can do about this. (He produces a laptop from under the desk.) Amy and I have developed a little bit of technology. . . AMY: Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about! (She hands a floppy disc to him). The weapon, sir. DARIEN: Thank you very much. Now, did anyone catch that loser's E-mail address? LITA: Hell, yeah. . .it's Who09@aol.com. I was planning on flaming him tonight. . . AMY: Don't worry, this'll be much better than flaming. (Darien types something, then pushes return. There's a loud beep). DARIEN: Cyber rose bombs. . .aaawwwaaayyy! SERENA: What did you just do to him? DARIEN: When he goes to open his mailbox, all of the existing data on his hard drive will be erased and replaced by the complete works of Stephen Ratliff. For the rest of his life, he will be forced to scroll all the way through "Enterprised," "The Only Constant" or "A Royal Mess" before he can do anything on the machine. MINA: Oooh! Harsh! SERENA: Oh, Muffin, this is wonderful! You're giving the bastard exactly what he deserves! (She kisses him). Thank you. . . (She reaches over and hugs Amy) And you, too! RAYE: And as for you, Dr. Clayton Forrester. . .the same thing will happen to you if you keep sending us this crap! LITA: Yeah! We're not going to stand for this! SERENA: In the name of the moon. . . ALL: WE'LL PUNISH YOU! (Deep 13) DR. FORRESTER: Oooh, I'm just shaking in my boots! I'm *so* scared! Keep up that attitude, Lunarchick, and you're going to end up reading the complete works of Blue-Winged Angel! Now, push the button, Frank! Frank? (Frank is working at a computer, saying what he types out loud). FRANK: "Serena rushed into Raye's arms, saying, 'Who needs Darien, anyhow? I have you! Now take me!' They fell to the carpet together. . .Meanwhile, Darien was in the next room getting it on with Amy and Jadeite, while Mina and Lita were up in a trapeze with a half-dozen cucumbers and. . ." DR. FORRESTER: FRANK! FRANK: Oh, sorry, Dr. F., were you calling me? I figured that after reading "Sailor Moon: Fantasy!", that *anyone* could write Sailor Moon lemons. . . DR. FORRESTER: Push the button NOW, Frank. FRANK: But I'm not done with my story! I haven't gotten to the massive orgy involving all the Scouts, all the generals, lots of whips and chains, and a huge tub of lime Jello. . . (Dr. Forrester is sneaking up behind him, holding a huge, scary-looking medical probe). DR. FORRESTER: Frank...take a deep breath so your asshole will open a little. FRANK: AAAAAUUUGGGHH! (He runs forward to get away from Dr. Forrester, trips, and falls on the button). \ | / \ | / \|/ ---0--- /|\ / | \ / | \ -PHHHWWOOOO- SAILOR SAYS: SERENA: Human sexuality is a beautiful thing, but when a poor author abuses it for his or her own gratification, it loses much of its beauty. MINA: And when it's used to justify any changes in characterization that an author wishes, it gets even worse. SERENA: It is possible to write a good lemon. Just look at fanfictions written by Sexylyon, Lady M. Harris, Sailor Mac or Mark Berger. If you're an aspiring lemon author. . . AMY: First seek professional help. . . SERENA: But then, read the works of these authors and ask yourself, 'Am I trying to write a story about these characters or just a story about sex?' If the answer is the second, please, for the sake of Naoko-sama and all of Sailor Moon fandom, choose a different series to write about. Sailor Moon Says, where's that little weasel Forrester, anyway? The Moon Scepter and I have a little date with him. . . FORRESTER: Push the button *again,* Frank. FRANK: But... but... but sir, it all makes perfect sense now. What... FORRESTER: FRANK!!! FRANK: Right. -PHHHWWOOOO- Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson. Sailor Moon was created by Naoko Takeuchi. None of these characters are ours, we're just borrowing them for awhile. This is not a personal attack on the poster, just on what he posted. No matter how much he may deserve it. We understand that "The Great Popliano" is also writing a MSTing of the first part of the story. Look for his version on the MST3K newsgroups and Web sites in a couple of months. The "Cyber Rose Bombs" were based on an idea developed by two of our favorite fanfic writers, Pandora Waldron and Jennifer Wand. Thanks for the inspiration and the wonderful stories, ladies! Keep circulating the fansubs. . . "> Serenity woke up at 8:30 am. I was saturday."