[SCENE: A well-lit room. All that can be seen is a large plush couch, a big screen TV and a VCR. Ling Ling is sitting at one end of the couch. Marta is lying in her lap and Ling Ling is slowly stroking Marta's hair.] LING LING: And what did you get your sister? MARTA: One really expensive leather trenchcoat. It should look good on her. LING LING: Marta, Shion is one of those people that looks good in *any* clothing. MARTA: True... but I think she looks her best when dressed in just her hair. LING LING: ... MARTA: Anyway, I also got something for Noriko. LING LING: Really? MARTA: Yeah... a couple of CDs of soothing nature sounds, to give her something to relax to before she blows a blood vessel. LING LING: And did you get me anything? MARTA : Well... I was thinking about having you unwrap me... but you do that any way... LING LING : Ahem... so to speak... MARTA: So, I'm not telling you what it is. Not even a hint. LING LING Really? MARTA : Won't work! [There is a knocking at the door. Ling Ling fastens her jacket, while Marta sits up.] BOTH: It's open! [[SCENE: Samantha Jones, dressed in a black tank top, jeans, sneakers, and a leather jacket a few sizes too big walks in. Her hair tied back into a ponytail and she is wearing a Santa hat. Alexander Misamoto follows her, dressed in black gym pants, a red Chinese-styled shirt, and sneakers. He is carrying a bag in one hand.] ALEX & SAM: Merry Christmas! MARTA : And a Merry Christmas to you! SAMANTHA: Good to see you again Marta. [turns to Ling Ling] Ah, you must be Ling Ling. It's very nice to meet you. LING LING: And you must be Samantha Jones. Marta has told me quite a bit about you... MARTA: Ahem... ALEX: [blushing slightly as he bows to Ling Ling] Uh... hello ma'm. LING LING: Hello. I take it you're Alex? ALEX: [still blushing] Yes ma'm. LING LING: Marta told me about you, too. MARTA ALEX: SAMANTHA: Okay, it's a bit early but me, Alex, and Jamie all pitched in and got all of you some gifts. MARTA: Cool! ALEX: But where are Noriko and Shion? LING LING: As I understand, they are both on vacation again. MARTA: Who cares? What'd we get? What'd we get? ALEX: I see *you're* in the spirit of Christmas. SAMANTHA: Now for you two love birds, we got you an all expense paid trip to the El Hazard hot springs where you'll be attended to by a multitude of priestesses. ALEX: [takes the envelope from the bag and hands it to Ling Ling] I'm sure you'll love that, Marta. MARTA : Damn straight! SAMANTHA: And for Shion, we got her a calender depicting Dark Schneider in various poses and butt naked. ALEX: Don't ask how we did it. LING LING : Ahhh... heh... hmm... I see... MARTA: Put that away, I could hear our hormones kick in from over here. SAMANTHA: And for Noriko, we got her this silk dress. LING LING & MARTA: Ohhh... pretty. MAGIC VOICE : We have movie sign. MARTA: Hey... we're busy! MAGIC VOICE: We *have* movie sign. LING LING: See if we get *you* anything. [Samantha takes a seat beside Marta and Alexander takes a seat beside Ling Ling. The TV turns on.] JERRY SPRINGER: WHEN PAST GUESTS ATTACK! MiSTed by Michael Surbrook and Jamie Jeans with Samantha Jones, Ling Ling Li, Alexander Misamoto, and Marta Nys >Title: Jerry Springer: When Past Guests Attack! MARTA: Now avaliable at a video store near you. SAMANTHA: Didn't I see this the other day? ALEX: No, that was when past victims of Gwar returns. LING LING: 'God, what a racket.' >Name: Jessie ALEX: From governing Minnesota to writing fanfics... that's not a good career move, is it? LING LING: Depends, does it pay well? >E-mail address: blackmooncatsy@usa.net ALEX: Oh my god! This fanfic was secretly written by Luna! MARTA: Yup, sounds like a Springer show already. >Rating: PG-13 SAMANTHA: You saw the warning little brother, you gotta leave now. ALEX: Very funny, big sister. MARTA: Bye, Alex! ALEX: HEY! >--------------------------------------------------------------------- SAMANTHA: And of course, no good fanfic can start without a good line joke. Anyone know one? LING LING: It's dead, Jim? MARTA: She said 'good'. >Jerry Springer: When Past Guests Attack! >Written by Jessie LING LING: - the 'Mind' Ventura. ALEX: Didn't we go through this already? >If one wishes to SAMANTHA: Find a better fanfic, tough... >talk to the author about anything, ALEX: Anything? Oh, okay. Where do babies come from? MARTA: The stork. >sheís reached at: >blackmooncatsy@usa.net SAMANTHA: What's new pussy cat... whoaa oh whoa whoa... >Visit Jessieís Realm LING LING: Minnesota? ALEX: We're gonna be overdoing this joke, aren't we? LING LING: Looks that way. > of Sailormoon at: >http://www.geocities.com/tokyo/ginza/6620 ALEX: The Ginza 6620! It slices, it dices, and it makes fries three diffierent ways! MARTA: Now how much would you pay? >NOTES: SAMANTHA: Reading this fanfic may cause severe hemmoraging... ALEX: Oh, it can't be *that* bad. MARTA: Bets? >This was written in response to the overwhelming response I got from my >"Very Special Episode of Jerry Springer" fanfic... SAMANTHA: Overwhelming? LING LING: Yes, her lawyers said 'never do that again'. ALEX: Nah, she ain't overconfident! >I hope to get just as much from this story. SAMANTHA: She hopes to get off on the story? ALEX: SAMANTHA! LING LING: Oww... my hearing. SAMANTHA: Settle down, I was only kidding. MARTA: Damn... >This was written during the short-lived period of time in which the >show was editing out the numerous fights... ALEX: Those are fights? They seem more like light scuffles. LING LING: And we all know this lasted right up until the ratings came out. >I poked a slight bit of fun at that... SAMANTHA: You don't say. >To understand a lot of these jokes, especially the ones at the end, MARTA: Read the Cliff notes. >itís almost mandatory that one reads Jackie Chiangís ALEX: He's awesome! Man, his martial arts style and all those cool stunts he pulls... SAMANTHA: That's Jackie *Chan*, little brother. This is Jackie *Chiang*. LING LING: Trust me, there is a difference. >Sailor Moon A story 6: >Insanity At a Glance. SAMANTHA: Oh, doesn't that sound pleasent? MARTA: Dunno, sounds like a normal Sailor Moon episode to me. ALEX: Excuse me, but don't diss Sailor Moon. MARTA: Hah. >::bows to Jackie-sama and begs forgiveness for making >light of her works:: LING LING: You will bow down before me Jor-El! ALEX: BOW DOWN TO ME INFIDEL! >[Mandatory Bandai Logo] ALL: BOOOOOO!!! >[Clips from the coming episode] SAMANTHA: Naw, it's too early to get hentai. MARTA: Bets? ALEX: Why me? >ANNOUNCER >Today, On Jerry Springer... ALEX: We explore one bunch of people pounding the crap out of another bunch of people. LING LING & MARTA (Michael Buffer voice): LLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUUUUUUUMBLE!!!!!!! ALEX: [holding his ears] Oww... >Full frontal nudity!!!!! MARTA: Wooohoooo!!! SAMANTHA: Gonna have to keep her in line, Ling Ling. LING LING: Yeah, right. *You* try it. >[Clips of Sailor Mars, topless and nursing] ALEX: @_@ SAMANTHA: Hmmm... bet you like this already, Marta. MARTA: Yeah! LING LING: What does she have that I don't have more of? ALEX: [blushing red] Oh gods I hope Ami-chan isn't like that. >And, of course, the mandatory fights! SAMANTHA: Can't be a Jerry Springer show without them. MARTA: And remember, these fights *aren't* scripted into the show. LING LING: Riiiiight. >[Scenes showing Sailor Venus bashing Mamoru on the head with a baseball > bat] ALEX: [winces] That's gonna leave a mark. MARTA: So? >All this and more on the next Jerry Springer!! LING LING: [yawns] >[Jerry Springerís theme song is played, SAMANTHA: ALEX: Wrong theme, big sister. SAMANTHA: But it's certainly better. >and Jerry walks out to the crowdís chants of, "Jerry, Jerry!!"] ALEX: Except for this one guy who was shouting Floyd for some reason. MARTA: Freebird! Freebird! LING LING: [holds up her lighter] >JERRY >Thank you everyone. LING LING: For making my show number one in the ratings. > We have an exciting show planned today. MARTA : We've got a really big sheew! >In response to the amazing response SAMANTHA: This fanfic brought to you by the department of redundency department. ALEX: Where our logo is 'If you repeat it, we'll repeat it for you to repeat it.' LING LING: What was that again? >we received to our episode spotlighting the Sailor >Senshi, weíve convinced them to come back to our show! ALEX: Well, the huge pay check certainly helped. MARTA: And the ratings. >[Loud cheers from the audience] SAMANTHA: [hands over ears] Gah... could someone turn the volume down? LING LING [turns the volume down] SAMANTHA: Thanks... >JERRY >If you remember, ALEX: Not of sight and sound, but of the mind. SAMANTHA: That's 'If you can imagine...' ALEX: Oh... sorry. MARTA: Actually, I'm trying to forget this... >last time we saw Ms. Aino Minako, AKA Sailor Venus, ALEX: Secret identities announced right on the air. SAMANTHA: It's not like they got anymore bad guys to fight. LING LING: The show was cancelled? ALEX: I don't know. There was talk of another season but nothing definite. MARTA: Too bad. >she was being carted away to the nut house. MARTA: You could take her to my place! LING LING: Quiet, you. SAMANTHA: Maybe I should have gotten you her for Christmas. MARTA: Works for me. We could use a housekeeper. > Well, it appears that sheís recovered. >Aino-san, could you please join us? >[Minako cheerily skips onstage and SAMANTHA: Brother, stop drooling at the Ganiax bounce. ALEX: [turning red] I am not! SAMANTHA: [turns to Marta] He is so fun to tease. MARTA: [drooling at the Ganiax bounce] Wow... LING LING: SAMANTHA: This is gonna be a long fanfic. >sits in the first chair] > >JERRY >So, Ms. Minako, what exactly was it that drove you insane in the first >place? SAMANTHA: All those lemons I had to stare in. I swear, there is only so much in-out-in-out action I can take! MARTA: Speak for yourself. >MINAKO >I'm not crazy. LING LING : I'm *not* crazy! I'm not! Don't you believe me! I didn't do it! It was the man on the grassy knoll! >JERRY (Scoffing) >Sure youíre not. MARTA : Jerry's gonna get it... >MINAKO (angry) ALEX: You dare to say otherwise, mortal? Prepare to be smited! VENUS LOVE ME CHAIN!!! SAMANTHA: Ack... tone down the volume little brother... MARTA: Ya gotta wonder about anyone who uses an attacked called a 'love me chain'. SAMANTHA: Well it whips really hurt in loving way. >Really, I'm not! That's what everyone's been telling me for these past > few months. LING LING: When ever they bought me my prozac. >That Iím crazy. ëLook at the nut, Minako!í Theyíd say. But, I > don't believe them. They're all just mistaken, deluded. They all read those >Jackie Chiang fanfiction stories and think Iím just like them. ALEX: Remind me not to read any Jackie Chiang stories. MARTA: Remind me to avoid Sailor Moon fanfics in general. >JERRY >Um... Okay. SAMANTHA: Minako's not getting a whole lot of support here, is she? LING LING: Nope. >Anyway, in other news, the last time we saw Sailor Moon, she was pretty MARTA: Stupid? LING LING: And this is different how? ALEX: STOP BASHING SAILOR MOON! SAMANTHA: [hits Alex on the back of the head] You'll have to excuse him. His girlfriend works on the show. MARTA: Girlfriend? LING LING: Alex... I didn't know you had it in you. ALEX: [blushes a nice shade of red] >peeved at her boyfriend, Chiba Mamoru. She had just caught him doing > some cootchy-coo with Queen Beryl. ALEX: Mistake Jessie! That's Queen Metillia, not Beryl. Beryl came from the DiC version while Metillia is the Japanese version. MARTA: Metillia? LING LING: Shades of "Bastard!!." >[Jerry gestures to a blood stain on the carpet] SAMANTHA: Don't you just hate it when that happens, Marta? It stains and takes *tons* of scrubbing to get out. MARTA: Well... I try to avoid killing people on the carpets, Ling Ling hates that. LING LING: I told you to put down some plastic first. >JERRY >Needless to say, Beryl didnít come out of it too well. ALEX: Yeah, she had to take Metallia's place at the last second. MARTA: Actually, it looks like Beryl is now a permanent part of the set... >Well, weíve brought the happy couple back! MARTA: Define 'happy'. >Sailor Moon, Chiba-san, come on out! >[Sailor Moon walks out, holding a taut leash. ALEX: Oh no... you don't think... MARTA: Whoa... >A few seconds later, Mamoru is >dragged out on the other side of the same leash] ALEX: @_@ Ack! Poor Usagi got turned into a dominatrix. SAMANTHA: You know, I got a boyfriend and I would *never* do that to him. [blushes and giggles] I would do some *other* stuff but... MARTA: Really? ALEX: SAMANTHA! SAMANTHA: Huh? Oh I'm sorry, was I thinking aloud? LING LING: I'm with you, Alex. >MAMORU (gasping and choking) >Usa... Usako... Itís really hard to breathe like this... I can walk by >myself, you know... MARTA: And he's potty trained too. >MOON >Did I say you could talk? SAMANTHA: Tonight the role of Sailor Moon will be played by Marissa Picard. MARTA : Did I say you could speak? >[Mamoru shakes his head silently and Sailor Moon smiles] SAMANTHA: Good boy! You get a cookie later. >MOON >Thought not. Now, Be a good boy and shut up. LING LING: Wow... she's gotten mean. >AUDIENCE >Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh............... ALLL: Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh... >[Sailor Moon takes out one of her many rods and points it at the >audience] SAMANTHA: Usagi, *take* your hand out of Mamaoru's pants. Now is not the time or place. LING LING: Yes... Sailor Moon seems to be a very phallic show, doesn't it? ALEX: Considering how everyone has been written thus far, I wouldn't be too surprised if they started doing it on the floor right then and there. MARTA: Works for me. ALEX: [blushing] Marta! MARTA: Alex... you are sooo easy to tease. >MOON >And I donít want to hear anything from you. I came on this show as a > favor for one person only, and it wasnít you! SAMANTHA: Down boy! EVERYONE ELSE: Yipe! >Anyone who says anything about this >gets a Moon Gorgeous Meditation up their [beep]!!!! ALEX: [winces visibly] LING LING: I'm guessing that would hurt. >JERRY >Ms. Moon, are you feeling all right? You seem a little violent today. ALEX: Despite the invitation there, everyone, please don't make any sick comments. SAMANTHA: *sigh* As your older sister, I promise not to say anything sick here. Marta? MARTA: Obviously Sailor Moon has hit that time of the month again. LING LING: And there you have it. ALEX: >MOON >Well, itís about time for me to stop being the ditzy blond, ALEX: Isn't that Minako? MARTA: I think she's the sexy blonde. >the crybaby, and >the clutz. Besides, Minako had that market cornered long before I came >along. ALEX: Whoops... SAMANTHA: Right on the money, little bro. MARTA: I guess not. >MINAKO >HEY!!! You piece of [beep]!! IíLL KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALEX: [counting] Eighteen exclamation points that one line alone. MARTA: Keep it up and they'll be on the endangered list. >[Minako jumps up SAMANTHA: Alex, stop drooling. ALEX: Oh... shut up Sammy... SAMANTHA: [to Marta] I love doing that to him... LING LING: She can't hear you, *she's* drooling too. >and looks for her henshin stick. Sailor Moon smiles even >more as she holds up an orange stick with the sign of Venus on it] LING LING: Looking for this? >MOON >Looking for something, Minako? Isnít it time for your medication, >anyways? MARTA: Gimme a red! Gimme a red! LING LING: No one is going to get that. >MINAKO >Fine. MARTA: She's hooked. >[Minako pops a small pink pill. Her expression immediately turns calm >and mellow] SAMANTHA: Oh wow... this acid is groovy man... you gotta try this yellow sunshine... MARTA : Oh wow... I can catch my hand! LING LING: The horror of... Reefer Madness! >MINAKO >Oooohhh, wow. I feel so much better now. ALL : Mellow... mellow... mellow... >MOON >Just sit down, okay? > >[Minako sits] ALEX: She's remarkably well trained, isn't she? MARTA: Amazing what a little chemical therapy will do for you. >MOON >We had to take away her henshin rod just in case she got like that. It >happens a lot. SAMANTHA: Ah yes, nothing captures the character of Aino Minako like surges of psychotic violence and drug usage... LING LING: Sounds like where I come from. >JERRY >All right... >[To himself] >Why did I agree to have another show with these nutbags? ALEX: Could be because of god knows how many millions of dollars you get for a pay check? LING LING: Ratings. Everything is ratings. MARTA: And ratings are everything. >[To Sailor Moon] SAMANTHA: From Samantha with love. Merry Christmas. >Ms. Moon, You said that there was only one person who convinced you to > come back on this show. Who was it? ALEX: Her Lawyer? MARTA: Her secret lover? LING LING: Her accountant. >MOON >Myself. ALL: Huh? >JERRY >Excuse me? ALEX: Wow, he's as confused as we are. MARTA: Well, this is Jerry, that's not saying much. >MOON >You heard me. Or, rather the incarnation of myself from one of the many >possible futures, SAMANTHA: Ack! Time paradoxes! I *hate* time paradoxes! ALEX: And she's making one right now by talking about her future self! LING LING: This is going to be another lame Star Trek ripoff, isn't it? >which everyone has seemed to accept as the valid one even >though Pluto keeps telling us that if we donít watch out and stop being >so goddamn ditzy, one day we could wake up with a garnet rod stuck through >our brains, and THEN where would our future be? MARTA: SOL? ALEX: Without your commas, obviously. SAMANTHA: I'm getting flashbacks of ASADAE here... LING LING: not onthe carpet you're not. >JERRY >Iím not going to go anywhere NEAR that one. So, does this future you >have a name? SAMANTHA: And does it have some proper grammar? LING LING: Let's call it... 'Claremont'. >MOON >Neo Queen Serenity. She sent a note back with Chibiusa telling me that >it would be best for everyone if I came back on this cockamamie show. ALEX: Oh come on, be a bit more polite. MARTA: No... that about sums it up. >I donít >know nor do I care why at this point. LING LING: Neither do we. >JERRY >Well, letís see if Chibimoon can help shed some light on this >situation. SAMANTHA: Ugh... not the pink haired little brat... anyone else *but* her! MARTA & LING LING: Who? SAMANTHA: Think Sailor Moon but shorter, a complete brat, annnoying voice, and pink hair. MARTA: ohhh... ALEX: A good thing she isn't anything like she on on screen or else you would have killed her long ago. SAMANTHA: Me and the rest of the Sailor Moon cast. >[A teenage Sailor Chibimoon skips out] > >CHIBIMOON (cheery) >Hi, Usagi! Whatís up? ALEX: Ugh... I think I just got a cavity. MARTA & LING LING: Gahhh! Make it go away!!! SAMANTHA: I'll give her this... she at least gives allot of work to dentists. >[Sailor Moon growls] ALEX: Yipes! Sailor Moon is turning into a werewolf! SAMANTHA: Worst then that, she's got rabies! Get the gun, get the gun! MARTA: Sure! [produces both of hers] >JERRY >So, Ms. Chibimoon, why exactly is it so important for you all to be >back on this show? ALL : Ratings. >[Whispers] >Between the two of us, I wouldnít send my worst enemy up for torture >like this. SAMANTHA: He hates his own show that much? MARTA: Probably hates Sailor Moon. ALEX: FOR THE LAST TIME... *BAP* Oww... SAMANTHA: [takes her hand away from the back of Alexander's head] Sheesh... what's with you today? MARTA : Hormones? >CHIBIMOON >Well, Mama Mars said it was good to make sure that Mama Usagi came on >this show ëcause thereís something important thatís gonna happen that Iím >not allowed to tell anyone about. ALEX & LING LING: @_@ SAMANTHA: Excuse me while I restrain my Ki blast of death... MARTA: Don't on my account. >MINAKO >Iím not insane, yíknow! LING LING: Yes, dear. Very good, dear. Please sit, dear. >JERRY >Of course youíre not, Minako-san. Anyway, Ms. Chibimoon, is there >anything you wish to say to anyone here? SAMANTHA: Look Mom! I'm on TV! MARTA: I'm going to Disneyworld! >[Chibimoon waves to Mamoru] > >CHIBIMOON >Hi, Papa!! Howíre ya feeling? ALEX: I'm being led around on a leash by a dominatrix who claims to be Sailor Moon. How do you think I feel? MARTA: Tired? SAMANTHA: I take it you've done this before. MARTA: ... >[Mamoru looks up from his spot on the floor] SAMANTHA: Good pose... now five more reps and we'll get your started on stomach crunches. LING LING: Muscles? Where? >MAMORU >Chibiusa-chan, youíre from the future... Please tell me sheís just >going through a phase. ALL : She's going through a phase. MARTA: Think she'll buy that? LING LING: Not a chance. >CHIBIMOON >Sheís just going through a phase. >[Mamoru sighs with relief] >Yeah, you REALLY hated the other ones. MARTA: I can see it now... Sailor Moon goth... ALEX: Goth? What's that? MARTA: Where one dresses all in black and sits around and mopes about how full of angst your life is. >MAMORU >Other ones?? ALEX: You know, asking will only get you in more trouble. LING LING: He really should just keep his mouth shut. >CHIBIMOON >Oh, yeah! There was the one where you broke into the old Dark Kingdom >base and played "Queen Beryl and Endymion," ALEX: Played? What do they mean by that, Samantha? SAMANTHA: [evil smile] Hey Marta, would you care to cover this? MARTA : Hell no, he's *your* little brother. SAMANTHA: Oh come on... please? [puppy dog eyes] MARTA: Wowww... Samantha don't *do* that! You know how it turns me on! >and then there was where you went to >the old Dead Moon Tent and played "Neherenia and Mamoru," and then... LING LING: He sures gets around, doesn't he? >MAMORU >Thatís ENOUGH, sweetie. Thank you. SAMANTHA: I'll kill you later... EVERYONE ELSE: Yay! >I didnít really need to know that. ALL: Same here!!! MARTA: Well... >CHIBIMOON >You asked. ALEX: Ask and ye shall receive. >JERRY >O-Kay! This is truly an event! Four guests, and not a fight yet!! SAMANTHA: Well, Jerry just jinxed himself. ALEX: What are the bets that Mars starts a fight? LING LING: Not a chance. That's like asking Marta not to grope Samantha here. MARTA: Hey! SAMANTHA: [blushes slightly] >These new >guidelines are really taking effect! ALEX: This show has guidelines? SAMANTHA: Maybe you have to hit somebody with something instead of using your fists now. MARTA: Yeah, like a bunch of flowers. >With that in mind, letís bring out a >familiar face. ALEX: Just the face? What about the rest of the body? LING LING : It's over there, in a box. >The Senshi of Fire and Passion, Sailor Mars!! ALEX: Actually, Sailor Mars is the Senshi of fire. Sailor Venus is the Senshi of passion and love. MARTA: Dunno, Mars heats me up something fierce. SAMANTHA: What's Mercury? LING LING: A divison of Ford?. ALEX: The Senshi of ice. SAMANTHA: Oh, I don't know about that. You and her were heating it up pretty good back at the Anipike. ALEX: [blushing] SAMANTHA! MARTA: Ooohhhh... tell me more! SAMANTHA: Well, Alex isn't as shy as... ALEX: [hits Samantha with a pillow] STOP! MARTA: Spoilsport. >[A topless Sailor Mars walks out, with a small baby nursing on her] ALEX: @_@ [blushes bright red and quickly covers his nose as he gets a nosebleed] SAMANTHA: Hey Marta, the action in this show really sucks, doesn't it? MARTA : Yeah... it sure does. LING LING: >[Chibimoon skips over and waves to the baby] ALEX: [with his hand still plugging his nose] Thus giving the kid his very first cavity. LING LING: Without teeth yet. MARTA: That must be hre special super power. >CHIBIMOON >Hi, little me! Are you behaving for Mama Mars? I know you are! > >[Chibimoon takes the baby and begins playing with it] SAMANTHA: That's a baby, not a ball you idiot! MARTA: Eh... wow. >JERRY >Um... Ms. Mars... This isnít a (completely) Hentai show... yet... ALEX: [has stopped bleeding from the nose] But it certainly seems to be heading that way. MARTA: Cool. LING LING: Hmph... >MARS >Are you telling me that a woman canít breastfeed wherever she >pleases??? SAMANTHA: Fry you bastard, fry! LING LING: How do you do that? SAMANTHA: Naga taught me. MARTA : Naga... LING LING: You are pathetic Marta, y'know that? >Listen, Jerry! This child has needs and Iím not going to stop whatever >Iím doing in order to find a ëprivate placeí so I can abide by all of your >societyís ërulesí! SAMANTHA: Oh yeah, this is the Mars I know, love, and riff alongside. MARTA: Ling Ling? LING LING: Yes. MARTA: I have needs. LING LING: Of course you do, dear. >Things arenít like this is the temple, yíknow! ALEX: [looking away from the TV] No. At the temple, she actually wears clothes and doesn't go on long rants. MARTA: Too bad. ALEX: You're a hopeless pervert, Marta. MARTA: Thanks. It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it. >There, a >girl can go stark [beep]ing nekkid if she wants, and no oneíll give a >ratís ass! And yíknow why? SAMANTHA: Because this parody has you OOC? LING LING: Well... OOC seems typical for parodies. ALEX: Why as why? Bud Dry... SAMANTHA: Shameless product placement, little brother. >JERRY (Not really wanting to hear the answer) >Why? ALL : Ratings. >MARS >Because my Grandpaís a Hentai old pervert who gets a kick out of the >whole [beep]ing thing! ALL: Yay. Whee. You go, Rei. >JERRY >I see youíve learned quite a few vocabulary words since we last met. ALEX: Better then Dictionary words, she learned *Vocabulary* words! >MOON >Yeah, well, that has a lot to do with the fact that sheís been having >an affair with my man!! SAMANTHA: It's not like she didn't *have* anyone else to be with or anything. MARTA: There's me! LING LING: Keep it up and you sleep alone. MARTA: Eep. >MARS >He didnít act like ëyourí [beep]ing man when I [beep]ed him last night! ALEX: Language, language! You got a kid there! SAMANTHA: And the kid's gonna need therapy. MARTA: I think the kid was going to need therapy regardless. >MOON >You [beep]ing [beep]!!!!!!!! SAMANTHA: Actually that's *BLEEP*, not *BEEP*. Get it right. LING LING: Really... And what exact word is 'beep'? >[Obviously cut fight scene] ALL: Boo! ALEX: We wanted a fight of the Inner Senshi, darn you! MARTA: Sure! SAMANTHA: Mah gawd! Won't someone stop the carnage?! >[Sailor Moon is now trying to cover herself with the few shreds that >remain of her costume] ALEX: [blushes and turns away] Darn it! Does *everyone* have to shed their clothes in this? MARTA: Works for me. LING LING [removes her jacket to expose a lacy bra and a lot of skin]: Is this better Marta? MARTA: Uhm... ALEX: @_@ GYAH! [falls on the floor face first] *THUD* >[Sailor Mars is holding her baby and crying hysterically] >MARS (In between sniffles) >I... Iím sorry Usagi.... Can you ever forgive me? SAMANTHA: No... MOON COSMIC POWER!!! ALEX: Aieee!!! MARTA: Kiss her and make it all better! ALEX: [weakly gets back up on the couch] >MOON >Sure thing, Rei-chan... > >MOON & MARS >I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! SAMANTHA: Usagi's and Rei's lesbian affair comes out on live TV. MARTA: Enh... Rei and Minako would have been better. >JERRY >Wow, that was a once in a lifetime event! ALEX: What? People making up on the show? SAMANTHA: There wasn't any fights? Whoops... scratch that one... >Iíve never seen such a fight on >this show! SAMANTHA: So Jerry actually *likes* it when there's violence on his show. MARTA: Sure, it means ratings. ALEX: God help him if the cast of DragonBall Z or Tank Police ever come on. LING LING: The studio would get annihilated. SAMANTHA: You insulted Bonaparte! ALEX: LING LING: Feel the wrath of my Ultimate Ki Blast! >It was unbelievable! Iím speechless. ALEX: You don't say. >Letís go to a commercial, >and >when we come back, Iíll have more with the Sailor Senshi! SAMANTHA: Oh, as if this fanfic couldn't drag on anymore. >[CM Break] >[The author doesnít feel like writing in a farce of a commercial] >[End of CM Break] ALL : Wheee... >JERRY >For those just tuning in, today weíre bringing back our most popular >guests to date, the Sailor Senshi. ALEX: Actually, it's not the *real* Sailor Senshi. It's just a bunch of people we got off the street to play them. LING LING : Anything for ratings. >Now, last time, Sailor Mercury couldnít be with >us. ALEX: Oh no... SAMANTHA: Hey little brother, your girlfriend's gonna come on! MARTA: You have a girlfriend? ALEX: Yeah... what's so surprising about that? MARTA: Normally, you pass out if a woman even looks at you twice. LING LING : Hmmm... or is hse exposes a little to much skin. >But, weíve got her here today! Letís welcome Sailor Mercury! ALEX: And I weep for her. MARTA: Now, now. How bad could it be? ALEX: You want me to answer that? >[Sailor Mercury walks out, and curtsies to the audience before taking a >seat beside Sailor Mars] ALEX: At least she appears to be mostly in character. SAMANTHA: Oh, lighten up. It's just a parody. >JERRY >Itís great to finally meet you, Ms. Mercury. SAMANTHA: Mizuno actually, but who's paying attention to details now? LING LING: No one. >Last time, you were too busy >doing Ms. Moonís homework to come on the show. ALEX: You mean *helping* Ms. Tsukino with her homework. MARTA: Unhunh. >MERCURY >Well, Jerry, Iíve got a confession to make... MARTA: She's a lesbian. LING LING: That's not Sailor Mercury? SAMANTHA: She's a furvert? ALEX: Shinji is the furvert. >JERRY >Youíve come to the right show. What is it? LING LING : It is a shock daytime TV talk show that capitalizes on the misfortunes of others. But that's not important right now. >MERCURY >I wasnít doing Usagiís homework that day. Although, I WAS making sure >we got better grades... ALEX: Hang on... if she wasn't studying to make sure she got better grades then how did she... oh no... oh no! SAMANTHA: [to Marta and Ling-Ling] I don't think he's gonna make it through this. MARTA : Well... I'm not doing too well myself. >MOON >Ami-chan, what do you mean? SAMANTHA: I started blackmailing the teacher. Got some good lessons from this person in Furikahn High named Nabiki... LING LING: Wait for it... >MERCURY >I was sleeping with Tanaka-sensei... LING LING: And was anyone suprised to hear this? >[Gasps from everyone] ALEX: @_@ THE HELL?!?! SAMANTHA: Calm down... ALEX: [standing and ranting] I can't believe this!!! Ami-chan would not sleep with *anyone* to get good marks in anything! She doesn't have to! She's one of the smartest women I've ever met! MARTA: If you say so. SAMANTHA: Sit *down* little brother... [grabs him and pulls him down] ALEX: LING LING: Remember, Alex... it's just a story. ALEX: >JERRY >What? Can you explain this, Ms. Mercury? MARTA: With diagrams, please? SAMANTHA: Well okay... you see, the penis grows erect and then I... ALEX: [blushing] He didn't mean *that*!!! >MERCURY >Certainly. I never really bothered to study for all those tests. ALEX: What? She used cheat sheets instead? MARTA: Sounds like my sister. She never studied for anything either. SAMANTHA: So Shion slept with her teacher to pass too, right? MARTA : No!!! My sister has a fuckin' genius level IQ! LING LING : There, there, just relax, I'll make it all up to you. >Iíve never >taken a test in my life. I sleep with the teachers in exchange for Aís. SAMANTHA: Do you love to watch your favorite Senshi's character ripped apart? Then watch the Jerry Springer show. Or call for tickets at... MARTA: Dunno... works for me. >JERRY >But, isnít that a little cheap of you? ALEX: No, not since I started charging... SAMANTHA: See? Riff it and the pain will go away. ALEX: I feel dirty... LING LING: You'll get over it. MARTYA: Trust us. >MERCURY >Compared to what some people get away with on this show... >[Glares at Mars] >Iím a nun... SAMANTHA: Oh... Ami's giving Rei the cold shoulder. ALEX: Oh, that's terrible big sister. >MARS >Oh yeah? Well, I know nuns with a better sex lif--- >[Finally gets what Ami was talking about] >Oh, nevermind..... ALEX: Yeah, Rei-san is slow on the uptake like that. MARTA: I don't want her for her mind. SAMANTHA: No comment. >MOON >But, Ami-chan, what about the books you were always reading? SAMANTHA: Playboy... MARTA: Playgirl. ALEX: At this rate, I wouldn't doubt it. >MINAKO >And, the way you always used to tell me, "Donít be crazy, Minako! >Study!!" [Smiles] LING LING: Wow... that must be some good stuff... ALEX: [shudders at the smile] I think she's gonna go... MARTA: I hope she doesn't go on the floor. SAMANTHA: I've seen more inviting smiles on a Boomer. >And, Iím not crazy, yíknow. Just because I didnít study was no reason >to lock >me in that big white room!! THERE WAS NO REASON!!!!!!! THEREíS NO >[beep]ING REASON!!!!!!! ALEX: Oh yeah, she snapped. LING LING: Looks like she snapped some time ago. >[The Big Security Guards give Minako some tranquilizers] SAMANTHA: Whoohoo! I got the good tranquilizers this time! >MERCURY >... >[blinks] SAMANTHA: And that's her trick for today, folks. Have a good night! See yah next week. LING LING: Enjoy the buffet! >Anyway, all that stuff was an act so no one got suspicious as to why I >kept getting those grades. SAMANTHA: So everyone at school was deaf to the sounds of bumping and screaming and groaning and... MARTA: Are you kidding? That was probably coming from the detention hall. ALEX: [blushing slightly] Thank you very much, big sister. You can stop now. MARTA: Nooo... tell me more. >The books Iíd always drag around with me were really ALEX: About new positions. LING LING: The illustrated Karma Sutra. >about new positions I could try... ALEX: Eeep... SAMANTHA: Good call. LING LING: Wow. Nice one Alex. >I mean, after 12 years of screwing my >teachers, ALEX: Ugh... I did not need the image of a young Ami-chan doing it with her elementary teacher. SAMANTHA: And I didn't need it either, thank you very much. MARTA: Uh... how old is she? >I started to get bored with the same old things... SAMANTHA: I mean, in-out-in-out... it's the same thing that drove Minako nuts! And of course it wouldn't work with the women teachers... >I just put a >cover on it that said something about "Environmental Chemistry" on it, >and no one dared look in it. It was the perfect system. But now that High >Schoolís out, I donít worry about anyone knowing, since I have no plans for >college. ALEX: Isn't that kinda like robbing a store with your mask on, getting it done, then taking your mask off and sticking your tongue out at the camera? LING LING: Well... if they already gave her a diploma... >MARS >But, I thought you wanted to be a doctor? SAMANTHA: Ami Mizuno, Doctor Ruth's prodigy. MARTA: A doctor of luuuv. >MERCURY >Oh, yeah. Iíll probably become a psychologist. All they do is sit >around on their asses ALEX: Multiple assed Psychologists... on the next Jerry Springer. LING LING : And now, a man with three buttocks. >all day and give people like Minako pills. Any idiot can do that >job. SAMANTHA: Yeah, look who's talking. >MINAKO >I'M NOT INSANE, DAMN IT!!!!!!!!! ALEX: [holding his ears] Ugh... I am now deaf... EVERYONE ELSE: [hands over ears] WHAT?! ALEX: I SAID I AM DEAF! MARTA: YOU WANNA BE A CHEF? ALEX: I SAID I'M DEAF! SAMANTHA: YOU WANNA YIFF?! ALEX: Oh, I give up... LING LING: WHAT? >[A white cat comes running onto the stage] > >ARTEMIS >Someone grab her! SAMANTHA: Why gladly... Sorry, but it keeps you from getting smacked by Ling-Ling. ALEX: You realize that was too good an opening to pass up, big sister. [See's Marta's finger razors pop out] ALEX: Not like I would ever do it in the first place... heh heh... MARTA: Unhunh. >Sheís still got her-- ALEX: Good looks? Those will fade in a few years. LING LING: Quiet you. >[Minako kicks Artemis in the gut, sending him flying into the audience] MARTA & LING LING: ALEX: And it's good! SAMANTHA: Minako should sign up with the Edmonton Eskimos. >[Minako waves a pen in the air] SAMANTHA: Like she just don't care... >MINAKO >Moon Power Make Up!!!!!! ALEX: And with that, the fanfic completely throws aside the fact that she can't *use* Sailor Moon's transformation call nor does Sailor Moon *have* a Henshi stick. SAMANTHA: You're reading into this too much. ALEX: Noriko isn't here so *someone* has to. MARTA: Great... >[Minako transforms into Sailor V, complete with nifty red mask] ALEX: Despite the fact that she transform into Sailor Venus and that Sailor V is her TV persona. LING LING: Oh no... he is another Noriko... SAMANTHA: I take it that she's hard to work with? MARTA: She can be... trying at times. >[Minako holds up a compact] SAMANTHA: Gun? Lighter? CD Player? Come on, some details please? >SAILOR V >Crescent beam!!!!!!!! ALEX: Actually, that's Venus Cresent Beam Smash. MARTA: Give it a rest. ALEX: Oh be quiet... MARTA: No! >[Half the audience gets taken out] SAMANTHA: Wow. Who knew Minako was into wholesale slaugher? LING LING: I think Jerry's going to have trouble getting anymore guests. MARTA: I think Jerry is going to have trouble getting another show. >[The big Security Guards run onstage to try and stop Minako] >[Minako Crescent Beams them into nonexistence] SAMANTHA: When did Saban get his grubby hands on this fanfic? >[Minako then looks behind a chair and finds the baseball bat Umino used >in the last episode] > >SAILOR V >Must... Kill... The Lovers... >DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALEX: The Senshi of Love and Passion, ladies and gentlemen! LING LING : Yay... SAMANTHA: Catch her next week when she runs amok on the Oprah Winfry show. MARTA: Cool. >[Obviously cut scene] >[Someone in the Audience screams] SAMANTHA: Must've been reading an Oscarfic. MARTA: Or Gonterman. LING LING: Or Ratliff. >JERRY (While trying to find his glasses) >Well, that really was something. Mamoru, weíll try and get the hospital >to look at that. It canít be anything too serious... ALEX: Cracked open skulls are fun! >MAMORU >Gruuuu.... SAMANTHA: What? Is he in pain or having an orgasm? MARTA: Pain. If it was an orgasm, he'd be acting like Goofy. >MOON >I swear, if that bitch ever gets out of the looney bin again... LING LING: She sure won't be on Springer. >MARS >Baka, she canít! You killed her, remember? >[Points to the new blood stain on the run, symmetric to the one from >where Beryl died] LING LING: Now Jerry has a matching set. >MOON >Oh, yeah. It feels so good, I forget sometimes... SAMANTHA: Oh! So Sailor Moon is into killing as well! Maybe we oughta have a night on the town together, go slaughter a few dozen innocents. >MARS >Now, donít you start going homicidal on us, too... ALEX: One of her friends has just been killed and *this* is how she reacts? SAMANTHA: I'd hate to see *her* at a funeral. >MOON >Iím not insane!!! MARTA: Here we go again. >JERRY (Wide-eyed) >Okay, [beep] the commercial break, SAMANTHA: Now Jerry's losing it. ALEX: At his age? I'm not too surprised. MARTA: It's a wonder it hasn't happened before. >itís really [beep]ed up of producers to >shove these [beep]ing senshi back on my nice, safe show after the >[beep] they pulled last time. ALL: Nice safe show? SAMANTHA: Well, that's one way of describing it. >Iím going back to the nice, safe, hicks after this... ALEX: And sleep wit ma sister... >Iím >Jerry Springer, and this is my final thought. SAMANTHA: You mean he had others? LING LING: Yes, but none of them were original. >Until next time, take care of >yourselves, and each other... ALL: Aww... >[nothing happens] ALEX: On that show? Yeah, right. >JERRY >GOD DANM IT!!! I ENDED THE [beep]ING SHOW ALREADY!!!! I donít care if >thereís still fifteen minutes in the show!!! SAMANTHA: Remember, there's still time in the show left in the show. LING LING: Great. Can I go home now? MAGIC VOICE: No. MARTA: Damn. ALEX: This message brought to you by the department of the redundency department. >Iím trying to stay alive at this point!! ALEX: Stayin alive... stayin alive... oh, oh, oh, oh... >THIS SHOW IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!! >[Jerry shoves a hand into the cameras] >[Static] SAMANTHA: Hmm... that would give him about ten points in strength, right Marta? MARTA: Enh... actually a base 10 strength would let you do that. >[End] ALEX: And there was much rejoicing! ALL: Yay!! >~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > >So, what do you think? SAMANTHA: Bite me. MARTA: Okay. ALEX: The author meant the fic. SAMANTHA: Oh. [pause] Bite me. ALEX: LING LING : It was awful! >This was shorter than my first one, but I think you >get the picture... ^.~ ALEX: Oh, we got plenty of mental pictures alright. LING LING: You can say that again. >I was actually thinking of turning this into a sort of humor series. > Itíd involve the senshi going on different talk shows and interacting with > the host SAMANTHA: Whoa... ALEX: Looks like your Oprah riff couldn't be too far off, big sister. MARTA: I want to see the Senshi on Saturday Night Live. >(Well, I canít very well do another Jerry fic after this... Or can I? LING LING: Please... for the sake of our sanity, don't. >Feedback Majority rules on this matter...). Next show? Probably either > Jay Leno, Conan OíBrian, or Rosie OíDonnell... ALEX: How about Judge Judy? That way, Sailor Moon can go insane and wipe out everyone in the courtroom including the judge. SAMANTHA: Hmmm... I like it! LING LING: Same here. >Remember my email addy: blackmooncatsy@usa.net >If you want to see other fanfics I've done, or just see my page, it's >at http://www.geocities.com/tokyo/ginza/6620 MARTA: I'll Pass. >--------------------------------------------------------------------- ALEX: Cool! A chance for a good line joke. *ahem* Lots of potholes in that road. >__________________________________________ >__________________________ SAMANTHA: Whereas this road is actually in pretty good shape. MARTA & LING LING: [shake heads] >Get free e-mail and a permanent address at >http://www.netaddress.com/?N=1 ALL: No thanks! SAMANTHA: Well... that was interesting. LING LING: But stupid. ALEX: If this was a parody fic, I'd hate to see an anti-fic written by the author. SAMANTHA: Okay... review time I believe. MAGIC VOICE: That is correct. SAMANTHA: As a parody fic, this had promise and couldn've turned out funny had the author not used such tired old gags often seen on the *real* Jerry Springer show like the women sleeping with husbands and such. It also could have helped had the author used all the attacks and names from the original version of Sailor Moon. Really good fans of the show tend to get bugged by little things like that. Your turn little brother. ALEX: Well, you basically said everything I would have said, Samantha, but I think that everyone was horribly OOC. I mean, Minako nuts, Ami-chan admitting she had slept with teachers for good marks, and Sailor Moon enjoying killing... ugh... Also we did not see Haruka, Makoto, Michiru, Setsunna nor any of the Starlights in this fanfic. They would have added to the humor content, if this fanfic had any, and given the author more material to work with. MARTA: It was kinda funny... but, well... I don't like Sailor Moon which was a big mark against it right there. And, well... it seemed to be a waste to me. LING LING: It was Sailor Moon crossed with Springer... need we say more? MARTA: Good point. SAMANTHA: [standing] Well, this was fun. It was good working here again. [shakes Ling-Ling's and Marta's hands] Hopefully we can do this again some time. ALEX: I didn't mind it all that much either... SAMANTHA: At least until Ami came out. ALEX: *Anyhow* do you think I can come back here to riff a fanfic when Shion is here? I haven't done it with her yet. MARTA: I guess so... SAMANTHA: [chuckles and pats her brother on the back] And you will, little brother. ALEX: [blushes bright red] I didn't mean like that! MARTA: Yeah, right. LING LING: No comment. SAMANTHA: [walking towards the door with Alexander behind her] Take care you two love birds... and don't break that couch. [smiles] LING LING : We use the floor. ALEX: And don't forget to give Noriko and Shion their presents, okay? MARTA & LING LING: Okay! ALEX & SAMANTHA: Bye! [they leave and close the door] LING LING: I hate to say this, but that story was terrible. MARTA: Yeah... LING LING: Oh, wait, *you* liked Mars parading around topless. MARTA: Well... LING LING [removes her bra and tosses it aside]: Well? MARTA {buries her face in Ling Ling's cleavage>: You win! \ / \ / -- O -- FFIIIIISSHHHH / \/ \ LING LING: Unnnnnhhhh... Marta, watch it, you'll break the couch! "Jerry Springer: When Past Guests Attack!" written by Jessie. No copyright infringement indended by this MSTing, which is for amusement purposes only. Marta Nys (c) 1997 Michael Surbrook Ling Ling Li Copyright (c) 1987-97 by Yuzo Takada. This version was used without permission. MSTed by Michael Surbrook susano@otd.com Visit Surbrook's Stuff! A Hero System/Champions source (especially for anime and manga material) at http://www.otd.com/~susano/index.html >MINAKO >I'M NOT INSANE, DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!