Note from Author: well, after cutting the beginning short fic (I can understand why McLees would want it cut) I'm ready to start again, enjoy. MST3K is copyrighted (C) by best brains Inc. 1989-1998 (...I think) Sailor moon is copyrighted (C) by Toei (...again I think) and DIC. 'Artemis' is copyrighted (C) by Strike Fiss and this is purely a parody, which I think is actually protected under law, wow! Msting by: Rev. John Felix (stubbles@gwar.net) [7...6...5...4...3...2...1] (An empty set. Suddenly, the mad's light flashes. About 5 minutes pass before a bullhorn sounds and mike comes out in pajama's, Crow and Tom wearing little night caps.) Mike: Sheesh, this better be important, why does she have to wake us up in the middle of the night? Crow: I was having a nice dream of Oscar roasting on an open fire with a spit impaled through him! (Servo is laying horizontally on the desk sleeping.) [Castle Forrester] (Pearl is the only one around, a big book in front of her, she's trying hard not to giggle) Pearl: Nelson, I know its really late but hey, I'M EVIL! Anyways, I've just found two horrible stories that should easily break you down into sniveling cowards in my presence! Simply just sit back, relax, and enjoy your Surprise! [SOL] Mike: You know, I don't like the sound of that. Crow: Let's get this over with so I can dream about Kim Catrall, okay? (everyone runs into the theater) [1...2...3...4...5...6...7] > _-_-Artemis-_-_ > ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mike: Keep calm... Keep calm... We survived the first one... >Writen By Strike Fiss >I appreciate any comments, so >people can E-Mail me at: Mike: Hey look guys, its not Oscar! Crow: (Sniff) Hey, I heard this one was tolerable! > >ncrceo@ccinet.ab.ca > > > Tom: That explains everything. Mike: What? Tom: He's Canadian. Crow: ...Don't let Jamie Jeans hear that! > Artemis > >Author's Notes: Huh, this is for fun, so let's see what happens! Thanks >to Troy Stanton for confirming and helping this idea. Also, all names are >correct to the RIGHT North American Dub names. This story happens basically >whenever you feel like it should happen! Probably before Luna and Artemis >have >a kid. > Tom: A kid... I'm not the authority on Sailor Moon import or not, but aren't Luna and Artemis' CATS?! > The night was unusually quiet for spring. Crow: That's as bad as "it started with an explosion" Mike: What do you expect? The poor fool spent like 10 minutes on that piece of junk! > No crickets were chirping,no early morning birds cheeping, the moon wasn't >even annoyingly bright, and the sun was still one or two hours away. Despite >the calm and quiet, Artemis couldn't get to sleep. Tom: For there was no joy in Mudville! > He lay on his' pillow of Mina's bed, wide-eyed and awake. Tom: (Artemis) ...That wasn't Oscar was it? Mina, I heard a sound! > His mind was racing on why he was awake, but he couldn't pin it down. Then >he realized he was concerned. Mina hadn't returned from the concert yet, and >it was 3 AM. Mike: Well, maybe she was fed to the world maggot. > Eventually, the front door opened downstairs, and he heard the >recognizable giggles of Mina as she snuck upstairs. The door to her room >opened, and Artemis pretended to be asleep. Crow: (Artemis) PleaseDon'tBeTheBitchPleaseDon'tBeTheBitch... > > Mina closed the door behind her and went over to her bed. "Artemis?" she >whispered softly. Artemis pretended to wake up, his eyes glowing in the >dark. >"Oh, hi Mina. Didn't here you come in." Tom: ...As apposed to *HEAR*ing Mina walk in. > She smiled. "Well, sorry to wake you, go back to sleep." > Artemis pretended to comply. A few seconds later, he heard Mina >undressing. Artemis's mind went into overdrive. "Great," he thought "it's >spring, too." Crow: Artemis HEARD her undressing? What, did she go to a pantera show?! Mike: That studded leather is heavy! > After all, what could you do if you were roommates with an attractive >member of the opposite sex, but you were a cat?!? Mina slid into the covers >before her small white companion was tempted to look. Artemis let out a >sigh, >and went to sleep as Mina curled up around him affectionately like he was a >stuffed animal. > "This is going to be a LONG spring..." he thought. Tom: So all cats go into heat only in Spring? Crow: Maybe Mina is spring time fresh! > Around eight in the morning, Artemis got up and left the house before >Mina woke up. He needed to take a walk and clear his head. Unfortunately, >Luna caught up to him. "Soooo, lazybones." she greeted' him. "I see you >finally got out of bed!" > They were in an alley, so it was safe to talk. "Mina was out late >last night, and I wanted to make sure she got home okay." he explained. > Luna blinked. "Are you feeling okay, Artemis? You haven't once made a >snide remark or joke at me today!" Mike: (Artemis) Okay then, I hate you, I hate you, Hate you, Hope you die! > > Artemis just passed her with a sour look on is face and went on. Luna >sat >there, puzzled. Mike: (Luna) Damn Rubix cube! I have a good mind just to remove all your stickers! Tom: (Monotone) Funny, mike > Suddenly, she heard an alley cat. "Oh no. I better get outta >here..." she said to herself, running off before she had a repeat of the >time a >hundred or so alley cats tried to waste her, just because she talked. > Crow: They were all Brian Setzer fans! > Artemis was too busy thinking to notice the five or so other cats >following behind him. "What am I going to do?" he finally asked himself, >trying to get Mina out of his mind. "Paris was hard enough, what about now?" > > For those less educated in the ways of Sailor Moon, Crow: (Strike Fiss) You're stupid I hate you and you need to go get some videos RIGHT NOW! >Artemis and Mina used to fight alone under the name of Sailor V' before they >joined up with the other Sailor Scouts and Luna. They did much of their >fighting in Paris, France. > Tom: Ah france, Home of baguettes and assholes! Mike: Tom! > One day, they had decided to take a train through the country side, >just for fun. Actually, Artemis had been against it, saying they should >have been hunting down the Negaverse. Mina eventually had to drag him >onto the >train in a backpack. Tom: 'Gremlins' comes to mind. Crow: (High Pitched voice) Bright light! Bright light! > "I thought you said we were picking up some tuna!" He gasped, poking his >head out from the unzipped sack. Mike: (Beavis) Peek-A-Boo!! > Mina was looking out the window. "Oh, Artemis! You have to learn to >relax! Besides, I got you some tuna anyway." Crow: (Mina) It's under my skirt! why not go down there and-- Mike: Hold it right there, buddy... > Her feline friend looked around to see they were in a private quarters. Tom: Mina's hind quarters? Rrowr! > "Oh, and how much did this cost? Remember, we eventually have to get >back to >Japan. That costs money." hegrowled, looking for the cans of tuna she >promised. > She shrugged. "Don't worry. I got a discount because I'm a teenager." > Artemis found the cans and sat them on the table, munching quietly. >The view was pretty amazing out the window, and he decided to enjoy it >while it lasted. The bullet trains Tom: ...To Heck Crow: No tiny toons references please. I'm still getting over 'Oscar toon'. >in Japan were based more on efficiency, not tourism. > Unfortunately for Artemis, it was a very hot day. Mina was in a very >short skirt and only a light jacket saved her even shorter top from the >cat's wide eyes. (Crow suddenly slips into a hentai coma) Mike: Uh Oh, we're losing him! >He ventually realized he was staring at Mina's panties. His eyes went wide, >and he reverted back to his tuna. (Crow snickers) Tom: I think crow's learning to keep quiet. > "Ugh, it's hot..." Mina sighed, taking off her jacket as well. > Artemis was surprised how large her breasts were for her age, and was >unable to turn his attention to his food. Her hair was tied back in a >variation on a French wave, which she had just started wearing, and she >looked >drop-dead-gorgeous. (Mike slumps over slowly and promptly falls out of his seat) Crow: Can you keep the visual puns to a minimum, Nelson? > Even for cat-standards, which for talking moon cats, were pretty much the >same. > So, here they were. Mina leaning provocatively toward a beautiful >landscape, all alone with Artemis in a steamy, secluded train car, riding >through the most romantic city in the world. Tom: (big booming voice) BEAUTIFUL RICHMOND, VA! >Artemis could barely breath as he pushed back her hair, giving him a >better view of her chest. Mike: Don't you think Mina would be a little mad with him moving her hair out of place? > "Uh," he eventually managed. "I'm tired, Mina. Do you mind if I >sleep in >your bag?" Crow: I'd comment on that, but I'd get smacked >Mina glanced over with a smile that almost melted him. "Sure, go ahead, but >you'll be missing a great view!" > Tom: You're telling me... > "You're telling me..." Tom: Hey! >he muttered, jumping into the dark secluded knapsack, away from his student. > Mina shrugged. "Come out later, I'll brush your fur for you." > Artemis smiled goofily. To him, that was almost as good as sex... > Crow: We're getting into some weird area here, and I want to stop moving. >but then he never considered that Mina was such a babe, and he realized he >could very well lose control and do something stupid like try and mount >her. That would end their friendship right then and there, Mike: Whew! Good call there. > so he stayed in his knapsack for the rest of the trip. > > Artemis sighed, his thoughts back in the alley way. He used to try >and convince himself that he and Luna would hit it off, but she was much >too serious, and had changed sooo much from the days back on the Moon. >Eventually, he came to see that Mina was much more than a pupil and his >responsibility. At first, he knew he loved her like a daughter, Tom: Ew, He's an incest freak! >but now he realized it was getting deeper than that. He only hoped that Mina >wasn't noticing. > Suddenly, behind him, a loud meow' filled the air. He turned >quickly to >face five mean looking alley cats. His eyes grew wide, then narrowed. "Get >off my back, fur balls." Crow: Ron Jermey? Mike: Ick, Crow, his back is enough! > he growled deeply, extending his claws. "I've had a really bad day." Crow: Oh yikes, Oscar stole this bit?! Mike: Sad, really... > The other cats started to circle him, hissing and spatting. > Artemis knew he could drop one or two of them, but he wasn't sure about >the other, bigger cats, who must have thought he was a threat to their mating >practices. > > "How ironic." he thought Mike: Dont'cha think? >"I'm going to get ripped apart like any other cat, even though I'm in love >with >a human." Tom: ...And that's ironic HOW? Crow: Personally.... I don't know. > Lita held out her hand. "Paprika, please." Crow: It's Paprika the Rapper! Mike: Kick, punch, turn and chop the door! All: Or I will fall to the floor! > Rei looked through the cupboards. "Uh...we don't have any." > Lita went wide-eyed. "Didn't I give you the shopping list?" > Serena smiled guiltily. "Sorry, but they had some wicked cool comics! Tom: What? Is Serena suddenly an ICP fan? >And I didn't have enough for them, so I put back some stuff." > > Lita and Rei growled. > Luna smacked Serena upside the head with her paw. "Serena, you knew > we were planning this dinner for a long time!" > Rei nodded. "Yeah! Lita says she'll teach us to cook, and YOU have >to go >and mess things up for ALL of us!" Mike: (Ren) I'll KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU! > Ami and Mina just sat there, trying to stay out of it as Rei and Serena >began sticking out their tongues at each other. Crow: ...And the tongues immediately fall into the custard Mike: Now that's obscure... Tom: That was an ear anyways... > Lita growled at the soup she was making and eventually chucked it on the >floor, disgusted in not having the right ingredients. "Serena! I can't teach >you to cook if you don't even bring back all the ingredients!" > Mina shrugged. "So much for that. I guess Artemis won't miss much." > Ami looked concerned. "Where is Artemis, anyway?" Tom: Making out with Shampoo, why? > Luna walked over to them, ignoring the all-out fist fight that had >developed. "I saw him in the alley on thirty second street and main. He >seemed depressed, so I let him be." All: (singing) Live and let die! > Mina sighed. "He's probably mad that I came home late last night. I >hope >he's okay. There's a lot of alley cats around that area." Crow: Brian Setzer? (Mike slaps Crow upside his beak) Mike: That was the Stray Cats by the way! > Serena managed to craw out from under Rei and Lita. "Maybe he's mad >cause >Luna's dating her new loverboy, Herculese." Tom: ..."Herculese"? Crow: Well then, maybe Artemis should date "Zeenaa" > she grinned evily before Lita slammed into her from behind. > Luna frowned then turned back to Mina. "Don't worry about Artemis. >He can >take care of himself." > Mike: Cue Irony! > Artemis dragged himself under a garbage bag, bleedng in three >different places. Mike: Irony away! > He managed to fend off the other cats, but he was in so much pain, he could >barely move. He was safely hidden now, but he was bleeding to death. Just >before he passed out, he couln't help but think back to the train in >Paris. "I >should have let her brush my fur..." Tom: This is when Oscar shows up... (Tom hovers towards the entrance) Mike: If I'm stuck you're coming down with me. >he smiled, then everything went dark. Crow: ...And the black panthers celebrated > Mina left Rei's temple early. There was a nagging thought that >Artemis was >in trouble in the back of her mind. She walked over to thirty-second >street and >went down the alley. She gasped in horror to see a small puddle of blood, >with >a trail leading toward a white tail, sticking out from under a garbage bag. >"Artemis!" she ran over, lifting the bag off of him and picking him up gently. Mike: Artemis found a discarded copy of 'Bondage Faries' lying around. Crow: Ah, the 'male nosebleed' cliché, never ceases to amaze me. > Artemis opened his eyes. "Oh, hi. I was wondering if you'd get some >bandages?" he passed out again. > > Mina tucked him into her jacket and ran down the street to her house, >almost in tears. > > He woke to the sound of running water. Artemis was bundled in a cloth, >and he was in the bathroom. Mina was drawing a bath for him. His eyes went >wide. He hated bathes. Tom: Stupid over-sea's spelling with their 'bathes' and their 'colours'! > The last time Mina had attempted to give him one, it was a good two years >ago. He tore up half the bathroom trying to escape from Mina and her anti-flea >shampoo. The only concilation he got was a fur rub after wards...but again, >that was before he had realized he was in love with her. Crow: Do we HAVE to watch this, Nelson? > He tried to squirm free, but the cloth was tightly wrapped, and he was >still sore from the fight. Mina heard his straining and turned. "Artemis! >Thank god you're allright!" she picked him up and hugged him tightly through >the bundle. It looked like she's been crying for some time before. Mike: Didn't Strike hear of paragraph breaks? > Artemis smiled weakily. "Sorry. Thouse damn alley cats are worse than >the negaverse!" > Mina smiled, unwraping him. "I'm glad you're okay." > Artemis glanced nervously over to the bath. > She sighed. "Now, Artemis. You're wounds will get infected if I don't >clean them. You're going to have to cooperate this time." > > Artemis cringed as she picked him up and lowered him into the water, >hind >legs first. "See? That isn't so bad." she cooed softly, rubbing a >bar of >disinfecting soap on a cut on his neck. Crow: Suddenly, with a sharp snap, Mina had broken Artemis' neck in 5 places. The cat went cold, his lifeless body staring into the vast nothingness that was death. "...Teach you to run around with that freak, Oscar! I thought you loved me." Mina muttered while disposing of the body. Tom: Yikes. > Artemis tried not to show he was really enjoying her soft caress. He >was >actually liking his bath for the first time. Mina seemed to enjoy it too, and >started humming softly as she worked >on the cut along his back. "So, how many were there?" she said between two >verses of humming. > > Artemis shrugged. "Five. Only three were a problem, though. Big >>suckers." he said All: (Singing) Lollipop Lollipop, Oh Lolli-Lolli pop! >happily, realizing he was trying to impress her. > Mina frowned. "You should have ran. You know you're too important > to me...and the others." she added after a pause. > Artemis paused. "I know, I know..." > "What were you doing there anyway?" Mina asked, attending to his >last cut. Mike: refurnishing old buildings and selling them as condominiums at affordable prices. > Artemis tried to think up a good lie. "Uh, I, just had some thinking >to do." He cursed inwardly. "Stupid brain..." he thought. Crow: (Brain) Pinky, if you had a mind it would be a terrible thing to waste! > "Luna said you were kind of down. Is there anything I can do to >help?" she asked happily. Artemis stopped himself from saying You could get >naked for me' Crow: Do it! Do it! Mike: ... >and just shrugged. "I don't know, Mina. I've just had a lot on my mind." >Mina >sighed. "Well, I'm done, but I'm not sure how to rinse you off. You're fur's >too thick to just use a cup, and it's too cold outside to just hose you down." Tom: I know I can really mess up with spelling and grammar, but you are fur's? > Artemis gasped as Mina started to undress. "What are you doing?!?" he >said, flabbergasted. Tom: (Mina) ...Helping the plot move along, why? > Mina frowned. "I'm going to turn on the shower to rinse you off. I >can't do that unless >I'm in there with you. Someone has to hold you up to the shower head." Mike: One day her children will be stuck in therapy > Artemis held up his paw. "Oh, don't worry. If it's too much trouble..." > Mina sighed. "Don't worry. It's just like a bath, no need to be >scared." >she said, now only in her underwear. > > Thankfully for Artemis's sanity, she kept her undergarments on and > drained the tub. She got in behind Artemis and turned the shower on. Crow: The pulsating shower head. Hummana hummana hummana!!! > Artemis had meanwhile tried to look away, but got a few glimpses of >Mina's near-nakedbody, now shiny from the water. Mike: That's what you get for wearing latex undies. > He was starting to blush, making himself turn pink around thenose. Tom: Do lemon authors usually forget to use spaces in their sentences? Crow: They're usually typing one-handed... > Mina picked him up and put him into the shower spray. "See? That isn't >too >bad, is it?" she smiled, turning him around to clean off his fur. > Mina had developed quite a bit more from three years ago in Paris. Mike: Forget Paris, starring Billy Crystal. Crow: She finally found about that wonderful tool, the Bic razor! > Artemis knew that, but never dwelled on it. But now, she was holding him >just >inches away from her large, firm breasts, who were now only covered by a >soggy, >half-see-through bra, while her gentle touch was rubbing his fur with steamy >water. > Mina gasped as Artemis suddenly jumped out of her hands and ran out the >bathroom door after literally ripping his way through the shower curtain. Mike: Poor Mina Tom: I hope she got him declawed, or she'll get scars. > "Artemis? What's wrong?" she called after him, getting out and drying off. > > Artemis ran out into the street and hid in a bush. All: Ahem, Ahem, *COUGH* Mike: That better be Kate Bush! >He couldn't believe what just happened. "Is she trying to do that?" > His heart was pounding against his little rib cage like never before. > A second later, he would have leapt on Mina and started licking her >uncontrollably. It was just too much. > > He ignored his desire ro run back in there, but couldn't stop thinking >about Mina being naked. "Man," he said out loud "now I need a cold shower.." Tom: (singing) Baby, how come 'ya do me, like 'ya do me, like 'ya do me? > Mina woke up the next morning and looked over to Artemis's pillow. He >wasn't there. She grew concerned. "Artemis?" she said out loud, just >incase he >was nearby. > No answer. > She got up and went over to Cherri Hill. Rei answered the door, >already in >her robe. "Mina? Hi! Come in!" she exclaimed sleepily, letting her friend >come in. "Why are you up so early? It's summer holidays!" Mike: When was summer considered a holiday? Crow: (singing) Synchagone, They took away vacation! > Mina smiled. "Why are you?" > Rei glanced to her clothes. "Oh, I was meditating all day yesterday, >so I >didn't need much sleep last night." She paused. "How's Artemis? Did he come >home okay?" > Mina sighed. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." > "He's not lost, is he?" Rei asked, concerned. > "No, I found him in the alley." Mina and Rei sat down on the steps. > "He was beat up by a bunch of alley cats." Crow: I call no 'Heathcliff' jokes > "Oh no!" Rei gasped. > "Oh, he's okay," Mina smiled. "Just a few cuts and bruises." > "That's good. So what's the problem?" Rei asked suspiciously. > Mina shrugged. "Well, when I was rinsing him off in the shower, he went >all mental and ripped out into the street. Tom: (Rei) You should have potty trained Artemis! > I haven't seen him since last night." Rei blinked. "How did you get him in >the shower? I thought he hated water." > "He actually didn't mind the bath part." Mina said. "But I had to get >in the shower with him and hold him up. That's when he went crazy on me and >took off." > Rei had a curious smile on her lips. "You mean you were taking a shower >with a talking white cat?" Mike: (Mina) I can't stand the smell of wet pussy! Crow: Mike! That's my Job! Mike: You can't get all the good ones. > Mina scowled at her. "Oh, come on. I wasn't naked or anything." > Rei was still smiling. "Then what were you wearing?" > Mina shrugged. "My underwear. Why?" > Rei raised an eyebrow. "Well, you have to remember that Artemis IS a >male." > Mina blinked. "Yeah, but he's a cat, and he never was to timid about >sleeping next to me or anything." Tom: Well, when Artemis woken up the next day, he could always start *HIS* *Usual Morning* Mike: Are you TRYING to rub elbows with the big time fanfic authors?! > Rei patted her on the shoulder. "Oh, come on. You two have been together >for three years now. And I know hundreds of boys who would give anything >to be >a cat for a day to look up girl's skirts." she smiled. "But he's not >like that. He's really quite a gentleman, if you don't listen to what >Luna has >to say about him. > He's probably just shy and doesn't want to offend you." > Mina shrugged. "I guess so...I mean, I was half naked in the shower > with him..." Crow: Wowee Zowee! > Rei nodded. "I'm sure it's nothing. He's probably back at your house >right now." > "Yeah, but..." she paused. "It seemed like something more than that." > Rei sighed. "Well. I have to take a nap, then Grandpa wants me to >clean >out the fire pits. That's an all-day job. You wanna help? We can talk >about >it more?" > Mina smiled. "Oh no. You're not getting me to clean those stinky, > charcoal lumps again! I'll come by later." Tom: Offer her as a virgin sacrifice!! > she got up and left. > Rei shrugged. "It was worth a try..." she yawned and went back inside. >"Boy am I glad my crows can't talk too!" Crow: Oooh, Oooh, Can I be your Crow? Tom: Guys, lets get out of here, okay? I need a break NOW. [7...6...5...4...3...2...1] (Mike is off to the right side of the screen with cymbals, Crow is to the left with a trumpet, suddenly Servo pops up in the middle with a big floppy hat) Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, in a desperate attempt to bring you people some kind of culture, we are proud to share with you, one of our time honored traditions: the ancient Antarctic sport of penguin booting! (Mike ducks down below the screen and pops right up with... Pen Pen in his arms, he delicately places the penguin ) Tom: It's rather simple, you wrestle the penguin to the ground... (Tom takes a few hovers back from Pen-Pen ) Tom: You... Boot the penguin! (Tom suddenly hovers across the screen at a quick pace, IMPACT! the penguin goes flying and hits the wall) Tom: why don't you have a go Mike, its not just for the fans! (Mike puts down the cymbals and drags Pen Pen back to the middle of the screen, takes a few steps back and punts the penguin, who hits Crow and ricochets off him, hitting the wall and causing a breach in the hull) Crow: AUUUUUUUUGH WE'RE GONNA DIE!! Mike: Get into the theater you guys, and quick!!! [1...2...3...4...5...6...7] Tom: Good one Nelson, just kill us all why don't you? Crow: yeah Mike, what's going to happen to us? Mike: Gypsy can handle it, she has some weird suction function so she can stay in there. Crow: ...Or the author can't think of anything good VOICE: HEY! Tom: You know its true... Voice: Well, uh... (Tom's head explodes) Voice: I'm the god! I'm the god! >Mina kept going over the sequence in her mind. What was she thinking? Tom: Why she agreed to do such a bad fanfic? Crow: She wonders if Oscar will be jealous. Tom: (shudders) Thanks for the flashback, Crow. >She shouldn't have put him in such a position, she knew that now. Crow: I wish she would put me in... Mike: Crow.... >But the way he ran off wasn't just him being shy. It was something else. > The sky was cloudy, but no rain was due until later that night. Crow: Rain's flight was delayed. >It was actually a dreadfully black setting. Mike: Oh, She's in Seattle. >She tugged on the collar of her jacket as she walked down the street to her >house. Tom: Does that mean that she dragged herself down the street? >Suddenly, All: As if in a dream >a white flash sprang out form the bushes and went up into her window. She >smiled. Crow: Michael Jackson is making his rounds tonight (All Shudder) >"Well at least he didn't get into another fight last night." She opened the >door and went upstairs to her room. "Artemis?" Artemis was curled up on his >pillow, pretending he was sleeping. "Artemis? Are you okay?" she came over to >him and tapped him on the shoulder. Artemis yawned. "Oh Mina. Sorry I was >sleeping." Tom:(Mina) Liar Liar Liar. >She rolled beck her eyes. Mike: Now that would hurt. Crow: I wonder if Beck is expecting a pair of eyeballs? Tom: Strike's spelling at it's best. >"Artemis, I saw you darting around outside. Now whats going on? I want to >know!" she flopped down on the bed violently. Artemis tried to look innocent. >"Nothing. Crow: (Bullwinkle) Up my sleeve....Presto! >I just couldn't stand being in water that long. Sorry." Mina frowned. >"Artemis, >I've known you for over three years now, and I can tell when you're hiding >something." Tom: (Mina) Because your paws are behind your back. >Artemis swore under his breath. Crow: (Artemis) Why you dirty no good.... Mike: Be nice crow. Crow:(fuming) Sorry.... >"Mina ... it's just that... I'm a freaking cat." Crow: (Artemis) AHHHH!!!! I'm freaking out!!! Tom: That is not that funny, Crow. Crow: Bite me. >Mina blinked. Artemis stood up. "I can talk, I can plan, I can teach... Tom: (Artemis) I can sing... Mike: (Artemis) I can dance... >but it comes down to the fact that I'm a cat." Mina smiled. "Well, being a >human isn't much different. Some people would consider you lucky that you >can..." Tom: (Mina) Lick Your sweaty Poe-poes Mike: Don't you start, Tom! > Artemis shook his head. "Mina, I am different. And that's what's >killing >me." Mina was silent for a bit. "What do you mean?" she said finally. All: (singing) Killing my softly with his loooooovvvvvve!! > Her small white companion leapt to the floor, out of sight. "I...love >you, Mina..." he said simply, hiding under the bed. > Mina went wide eyed. That was why Artemis had ran off, that was why he >always looked after her. "But, I don't understand? What do you mean?" she >didn't need the answer. Crow: Then why ask the question for chrissakes?! Just to make us sit here and weep!? (Crow breaks down and cries) > Artemis was quiet, too emotional to speak. Mina fiddled with her hair, >trying to sort out what was going through her mind. (Crow immediately stops crying and....) Crow: Which hair? Mike: It's nice to see you back, Crow. >"Artemis?" > "Yeah?" he replied weakly. Mina took a deep breath. "I love you too." >Artemis blinked. His eyes glowing in the darkness under the bed were wide. Tom: So the bed was wide, or the darkness was wide? Or his eyes... Mike: If you try to make any sense out of it, you're just going to hurt yourself! > Mina rolled over onto her back. "I guess I always denied my feelings >for you because...well, you're a small feline animal." she laughed briefly. >"What are we going to do?" Crow: Dip you into 'Spring of Drowned Man'? Tom: ...Thank you 'Ranma 1/2'! > Artemis didn't dare move. He didn't know weather to jump up and down in >joy, or feel worse. Mina poked her head down to see under the bed. >"Artemis, I >do love you. I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship, but I care about you >more than anything I know." Mike: Now lets get down and dirty! All: Oh Fun Key Bay Bee! > Artemis laid down, making his eyes sink in the darkness. "I-I don't >know >what to say..." Crow: Shellac! Tom: Well that makes sense, HUH? > "Say you'll come out." Mina smiled. "You don't have to hide." > Artemis slowly came out. He felt overwhelmed. Mina picked him up and >held him close. Artemis smiled for the first time that day. > Mina held him up to her face. "So." > "So?" > She smiled. "How do you talking cats kiss, anyway?" Mike: Oh for the love of "Bob"! (the Bots): NOOOOOOOOOO!! > Artemis went wide-eyed once again as Mina brought him closer and they >embraced in a rather passionate kiss considering the size difference. They >parted. Artemis had a funny little smile on his face. Mina smiled. "You >know, you're a pretty good kisser, Artemis." Crow: Did you hear that? All that is good and decent in this world went up in smoke like *SNAP* that. Mike: How did you snap? > Artemis turned pink. "I've been in love with you for a very long time, >and..." "Let me guess, the Paris train trip?" Tom: The crotchless Panties? > He blinked, mouth wide-open. "How did you know?" > She shrugged, as he sat down besides her. "I don't know. Probably not >until yesterday. You acted the same way on the train as you did in the tub." Crow: And if I paid any attention to the story, I would know what you're talking about > Artemis nodded. "I hoped you wouldn't notice. I was too careful not >to let this interfere with our jobs." Mike: To fight crime in tight clothes and lots 'o cleavage? > Mina looked down at the floor. "Artemis, do you cats...well, what I >mean >to say is, do you find me attractive? I mean, I always thought you were >kind >of cute. But in an attraction way as well..." Tom: Well, love usually does include the visual package too... Mike: Unless you're Anna Nicole Smith Crow: Or Lisa Marie Preslie >Artemis smiled. "I thought I kind of gave it away when I bolted from you >in the shower. "You're absolutely stunning!" He said, getting back to more of >himself. Tom: Did he split from himself? >Mina smiled. "Listen, I've gotta go fore some fresh air." Crow: (announcer voice) Mina lines up her drive on hole three. All: (Yelling) FORE! >You coming?" Artemis yawned. "I'd better get some sleep. I was up all night, >thinking." She nodded. "I'll see you later," she leaned down and kissed >him "my >little fur ball. " she giggled and left the room. Artemis sighed happily. >"I >don't believe this." Crow: Neither do we. >he got up, did the feline equivalent of a moonwalk and curled up in a ball to >sleep. Tom: Michael Jackson made his rounds all right. Crow: I wonder what Artemis caught from Michael Jackson to make him do that? Mike: Be good Crow. >Mina was walking on air. She still couldn't believe that she was in love, >with >her guardian cat of all people, Mike: People? I thought he was a cat. >but that didn't stop her from enjoying it. She was positively glowing, Tom : That's what you get for playing around a nuclear power plant. Crow: No wonder she is in love with a cat. >and Rei noticed this. Mina had felt so good, she went over to the temple >again and offered to help. Rei, Chad, and Grampa couldn't believe she >volunteered. > Rei got over her initial shock and let her in. "Come in! Hurry! Before >you >change your mind!" she smiled. "Oh it's no problem." Mina beamed. >Rei led her over to the fire-reading room and the two dug in with a kind >of >shovel, putting the ashes into garbage bags. >"So...how's Artemis doing?" Rei said, trying to make small talk. >Mina blinked, not sure how to answer. Crow: Try talking Mina. Tom: (laughing) What is the matter Mina? Cat got your tongue? Mike and Crow: (feeling ill) Servo, that was vulgar. >" He's fine. We had a little talk and cleared up the matter." she said >eventually. Rei nodded. "It must have been some talk! You're practically >spewing off good karma!" Crow: So many opprutunities to make a lewd comment, such little time! >"Hey, I thought you couldn't do that stuff without the fire!"Mina said. Rei >shrugged. "You don't need a fire reading to see that you're practically >glowing." > Mike: (Mina) AAAAAAH! MY HANDS ARE ON FIRE! Tom: ...reading fire GET HIM! (Tom and Crow start attacking mike) > "Oh." Mina smiled to herself. "Well, I'm in love." > Rei dropped her shovel. "That's great!" she ran over and gave her an >hug. >"Who's the guy? When was this?" Mike: (Rei) Does he know the differences between using 'A' and 'An'? > Mina wasn't too sure how Artemis wanted to tell the others, so she >improvised. "Well, I can't tell you yet, but you know him." > Rei crossed her arms. "It's not Darien, is it? He has a knack for >doing >that, but it always ends up with Serena and him being destined together." Tom: He has a knack for ending up with other girls? Crow: Well if he always ends up with Serena, then who cares what he does in between the long run? Tom: ...And if this is the American version, shouldn't it be Raye? > Mina shook her head. "No. But I only really knew this a few days ago." > Rei smiled widely, "Oooo, how romantic," she said, doing an >impression of >Serena "luuuv at first sight!" Mike: Starring George Hamilton as Dracula > Mina tried to frown, but was still smiling. "Do you want me to help you >with this or not?" Rei snapped back to Rei' mode. "Oh, sorry." she smiled, >continuing to shovel. Tom: (Rei) ...What a pile of Mike: Hey! > "Actually, Rei..." she started. "You have a lot of clothes, don't you?" >Rei nodded. "Sure. The only one out of us that shops more than me is >Serena. >You need to borrow something?" A smile crept across her lips. "You must >promise not to tell anyone!" Rei raised an eyebrow. "If you're going to ask >for some leather bondage get-up, too bad. I don't have any." Crow: Check with Haruka! Mike: Don't you start either! > Mina shook her head. "Got anything from Victoria Secret?" > > Artemis woke up as he heard the bathroom door slam. "Uh?" he got up, >shaking out the last bit of sleep from his bones. "Mina? It that you?" > "Just a minute!" she called back. > Artemis shrugged. "You want me to order pizza or something tonight?" (The bots start dancing around while Mike gets up and does the Funky Chicken) All: (Singing) I feel like Chicken tonight! Like Chicken tonight! >he asked, pressing the button on the speaker phone by Mina's bed. "That's >okay, >Artemis. I brought something from town." Mina said, smiling to herself. Mike: Cyanide pills for the both of us! Tom: ...And tonight you can go to town! > Artemis shrugged. "Okay." he hung up and curled up on his pillow, >curious >to what Mina was doing. "You need any help in there?" he smiled to himself. > Suddenly, she same out of the bathroom in a loose robe tied around her. >"Well, actually, you can help me." Mike: Artemis is really good at tongue bathing. > Artemis looked down at her slender feet, realizing she had no pants on. >"W-with wh-at?" he stammered. Mina gently took off her housecoat, revealing >herself in nothing more than a silky white pair of panties, and a skimpy lace >bra. "These seem to be stuck. Could you help me undo them?" she winked >at him >coyly. Tom: What about her *TENNIS*? Crow: Nah, she didn't putted them on. > Artemis looked like a deer that had been hypnotized by a car's >headlights. >"M-m-Mina..." he gasped. "Isn't this a bit fast?" She lay down next to him, >her breasts only an inch from his face. "Now, Artemis," she giggled "I think >three years is too slow. It's time I payed you back for all your instruction >and guidance, don't you think?" Mike: Oh to be a Guidance Councilor. > Artemis was silent as Mina sat up slowly and reached behind her back, >undoing her bra and letting it fall onto his face as he shivered in >anticipation. Artemis was stunned as Mina laid down on her back and pressed >him against her chest. She smiled. "We may not be compatible species, but I >can give you a good show, my love." Crow: Tell that to Kefka the dark one. >Artemis leaned over and started licking her nipple. "It's not fair that >you do >all the work," he said happily as Mina moaned quietly. Tom: You call that work? >Her nipples were already rock-hard from the lacy bra rubbing against them, Crow: You could cut glass with those. Mike:(Feeling Ill) This can't get any worse. Tom:(Feeling Ill) Don't bet on it Nelson. >but here even more swollen now as he passed his tail over her other breast. >Mina's breathing became more rapid and the motion of her chest heaving was >really turning Artemis on. "I'm going to give her a night to remember," he >promised himself. Tom:(Shaking) A night I would want to forget. Mike:(Feeling Ill) Hang in there Tom. Crow: (Artemis) And a *Usual morning* she'll want to relive > Mina's nipples were aching unrelentlessy as she fondled by her friend's >talented tongue. She couldn't help but to reach for her panties, rubbing the >silk against her damp pubic hair. Tom:(Shaking violently) I can't take much more of this! Crow:(Shaking) This is sick! Mike:(Feeling very ill) Hang in there guys! >Artemis saw this and dove down into her crotch, carefully shreading her silky >panties for easy access. A musky sweet smell filled the room as Mina started >caressing her own tits, moaning with her eyes closed. All: @_@ Tom: (At point of meltdown) THAT IS IT! AHHHHHH!!!! (Tom's head explodes in a array of sparks and smoke) (Mike and Crow take cover from the explosion.) >A musky sweet smell filled the room as Mina started caressing her own tits, >moaning softly with her eyes closed. Artemis looked at the expression on her >face. "Mina, I do believe you're enjoying this." he smiled. > Mina bit her upper lip provocatively. "Oh, Artemis..." she gasped, >"lick >my pussy, please!" she begged, licking one finger and rubbing it across her >aching tits. Crow: I'm sorry, but a cat tongue across the most sensitive part of my body is not something I want to experience! > Artemis smiled, and started licking her inner thigh as her tight, >swollen >clit started dripping fluid in response. Her triangle of light, golden hair >now damp and sticky from her panties and love juices. Crow: Ocean Spray is NOT going to like this one bit... (Mike is fiddling with Servo's head, which Doesn't have the sphere anymore... He replaces the dome and simply uses a big rubber band to keep it attached) Tom: (woozy) auuuuugggg I had Jell-o today >Artemis wanted to plunge into her right then and there, but, alas, he was >oo ?small, even though he had a big member for a cat. Tom: It was orange... > Instead, he started licking her swollen outer cunt lips. Mina moaned >louder, and started to shiver as Artemis' tongue got closer to her pink, >swollen slit. Artemis smiled and plunged his paw into her. Mina sat up, >gasping for air as a wave of intense pleasure hit her. Crow: Ack! I hope Artemis was de-Clawed! Tom: It had little pieces of fruit in it. (Mike suddenly hits servo upside the head multiple times) Tom: Hey guys, AUUUUUGH! It's still on! >She lay back and thrust her chest forward, teasing her nipples ferociously. >"Ohhh, that's it...oh..." she moaned as Artemis slowly moved his paw in >and out >of her slick love hole, bringing out more pre-cum as Mina got more excited. (Crow opens his mouth) Mike: ...No Ranma 1/2 "Cat fist" jokes, Crow. > Suddenly, Mina grabbed Artemis and placed him upon her chest. "I'm >going >to give you a titfuck," she announced happily, squeezing her mounds ogether >with a moan. Artemis gladly accepted and mounted her chest, caressing er >nipples with his slippery paws. Tom: Hey Mike, what's this on my head anyways? Mike: Black elastic band Tom: ...I feel like a nun Crow: "er nipples"? Was this written by Sherlock Holmes? > Mina began fingering herself as well. Her pussy easily accepted her first >finger and she eventually worked in another as Artemis began to pump his cock >between her tits happily, licking them as he went. Mina smiled. "I always >knew you loved my tits. Tom: I was thinking of something... If size DOES matter to women, how can they easily get off with one finger? Mike: I've often have asked myself that. >You always pretended you were looking at my face, but it was hard cause of >your >height." she smiled before another pulse of pleasure rippled through her from >her finger fucking herself. Tom: I have an idea guys! Lets do the Wayne's World 'Fade into Future' gag! All: Doo le dee doo! Doo le dee doo! Doo le dee doo! Doo le dee doo! (The whole screen ripples and suddenly...) > "O-oh m-my god..." she gasped, finally regaining her composure. Artemis lay >on her, tail out of her pussy, flat on her stomach. He gasped. "Mina, that >was great..." (All let out a relived sigh) Crow: Guy's it worked! >Mina smiled. Thank you, my dear Artemis." she said, exhausted. "Like I said >before,you're pretty damn good, especially for a cat." Crow: What does she have to compare a cat to? Tom: I don't want to know. >Artemis and she lay together, stretched out and enjoying each other's warmth, >until they dozed off to sleep. Rei stood at Mina's front door, purse swung >over >her shoulder. She was always a sucker for juicy gossip, and she wanted to >find out if Mina had successfully' used the lingerie she had borrowed. Crow: Successfully? Is there a wrong way to use lingerie? Tom: Yeah, around your head. Mike: (sighs) I don't want to relive that! >She pressed the little door speaker buzzard. "Hi! Heh, Mina! You in? I >hope >I'm not interrupting anything!" she giggled. "Oh! Rei! Yeah, just a >second..." Mina replied. Rei whistled to herself as she calculated how >long it >would take Mina to get dressed if she had been sleeping with someone last >night >and was still naked. Tom: (Rei) Let me take out my calculator. *beep* *beep* Damn you're fast. Mike: (Mina) I'm not a slut, Really. >Sure enough, Mina appeared at the right time, with only her housecoat on. Rei >smiled evilly. "Is he here? I wanna meet him!" Mina gasped. "Uh, no! He, >uh, left. "Rei let herself in and started snooping for hidden boyfriends. "I >just came buy to see how you were doing with your new hunk, Tom:(Evlis) Thank you, Thank you very much. Crow: Hunka hunka burning love. >I mean, Victoria Secret stuff." She said, looking in a closet. Crow: What is Victoria's secret? I wonder. Tom: No one in this closet but Ellen Degeneres, k.d. Lang and Melissa Ethridge! >Mina sighed. "Nobody here but me and Artemis." Artemis ran in from the >kitchen. "Hi, Rei. What's you looking for?" Mina smiled. "Oh, she thinks I >slept with that guy that was over last night." Artemis blinked. "What guy?" >Mina frowned. Artemis shrugged. "Who? What?" Tom:(Artemis) Why me? Mike: (Strike) Because this is my sick and twisted little world! get used to it, pink-boy! >Rei looked at the two. "Oh. So he wasn't over last night? I thought you >said >he was?" Mina shut her eyes. "Here Rei, I'll get your clothes, I should be >done with them." she went into her bedroom. Artemis looked confused. "What >guy?" Rei sighed. "You know...Mina's new lover?" Crow: (Artemis) Me, The cat of love? Tom: (Singing) Strange love, Cutest thing I've ever seen All: (singing) You remind me of something, that I have seen in a dream! > blinked. Rei blinked. "Wait...no way..." Mina stormed out of her bedroom. >"Here, Rei. I gotta take for a walk, so will you excuse us?" All: He's been a bad boy. >Rei took her stuff and put it into her purse. "Uh, okay. I'll talk >to you later, I guess..." Mina smiled politely, pushed her out the door and >shut it tightly. She turned to. "What were you THINKING!?!" Tom:(Mina) Of how I and Rei can... Mike: Don't say it Servo. I still feel ill. > blinked. "Can I ask one question?" "Uhhhh!" she growled. "What?" "Who's >this >new boyfriend?" She scowled at him. ", it was just an excuse!! I told Rei >that >so I wouldn't have to say it was you until I made sure I could tell everyone!" Crow: Why is she so mad? Tom: It just dawned on her what she did. Mike: (Mina) I feel dirty. > blinked. "Oh." Rei turned as she heard Mina yelling something to behind the >door. "Geeze! The way those two fight, you'd think they were married." She >paused. "Na... couldn't be..." she shrugged off her crazy idea and left. Tom:(Rei) Those two? Na of course not. Not them. Nope. Mike: (Rei) off to my orgy with Serena... >The End! Crow: Let me out of here! Mike: Even I feel dirty now. >There you go. For information's sake, Luna gets turned into a human late on >because she'd in love with a human. However, I didn't turn Artemis into a >human for their big sex scene because the Serena would have to know and >change >them with her crystal. Tom: Plus he wanted to make us puke up our ram chips. >Besides, Mina never seemed to mind Artemis seeing her change, so why change a >good thing? I tried to spell check. No promises... All: GOOD THING?! GET HIM!! >Any comments? E-Mail me at: ncrceo@ccinet.ab.ca > >Ask for Strike Fiss Crow: Ask for Mr. Horny Pants... > Comming soon...SAILOR MOON AR...> > THE fanfic series of the decade! Tom: Can we please get out of here, I cant stand it any longer! (Mike picks Tom up and heads out with Crow in tow) [7...6...5...4...3...2...1] (The whole place is crowded with discarded boxes and canisters of Peptol Bismol and Aspirin. the camera pans down to find... Crow, Servo and Mike passed out on the ground. Mike suddenly awakes with a scream) Crow: Ugh! don't do that Nelson! Mike: I'm sorry, but... Uch... I'm not feeling so good Tom: we're lucky we hold stock in stomach remedy companies... (Gypsy enters from the left with a rather charred Pen Pen in her mouth) Mike: Thanks Gypsy, but we're not up to penguin booting right now... I think what we need is a nice rest.. (Fade Out) Mystery science theater is copyright 1998 by best brains inc. Sailor moon is copyright by toei animation and dic inc. Msting of part 2 or '' was done by John Felix and co-authored by Sim. John Felix: Stubbles@gwar.net Sim: pparris@ix.netcom.com >"Mina ... it's just that... I'm a freaking cat." ------- John Felix - watashi no shitagi no dezain wa shimetsuke, mochiage, soshite wakerutame ni aru - stubbles@gwar.net -------