This is my fourth solo MSTing, plus one collaboration, all available in a total of ten parts (including this). Have fun... Mystery Science Theater 3000 belongs to the people at Best Brains Inc. Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, DiC and a lot of other people who aren't me. Ruri Hoshino and Nadesico belong to Kia Asamiya and StarChild. Any other anime/movies/television shows/whatever mentioned within belong to their respective owners. Unless they don't, in which case they probably belong to me. Triangle Tangle belongs to CATS. All rights to it are his/her/its'/whatever's and he/she/it/whatever is welcome to it! Please don't construe this as a flame, because it isn't. Quick note: For ease of writing, I will assume throughout this MSTing that CATS is male. This doesn't necessarily indicate this is true, it's just considerably easier to write. ;) * * * ( Turn Off Your Brain, Where Applicable. ) In the not too distant future, [ A shot of a starscape... Up in the S.o.L., Zoom in on the SoL. ] Mike Nelson and his robot pals, [Mike turns to face Cambot have been condemned to hell. and we zoom back to see the other Bots. At "hell", Fanfic sign goes off.] Their friendly local lunatic cranks, [fade to SoL then zoom down Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank, to a shot of Dr. F and Frank.] Have decided that they hate Mike's guts, [Dr. F and Frank shooting darts So they shot him into space at a picture of Mike...fade to and tried to drive him nuts. Dr. F ranting at Mike.] (Leeettt Meeee Doooooowwwn!) [A rocket going around the Earth] [Dr. F and Frank, with yellowed We'll send him cheesy fanfics, parchment. Dr. F speaks first The worst we can find (la la la) then drops his and grins evilly] He'll have to sit and read them all, [A back shot of Mike n' the Bots And we'll monitor his mind (la la la) in the theater... fade to a side shot of the same scene.] Now keep in mind Mike can't control, [Part of the door sequence.] Where the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) [A confused Mike reads "E-Z ROBOT He'll try to keep his sanity, Repair as Crow's head burns... With the help of his robot friends Fade to Mike, tied and gagged begging the Bots to free him.] ROBOT ROLL CALL! ["Robot Roll Call" appears on a blank screen, word by word.] Cambot! (Roll 'em!) [Cambot.] Gypsy! (Oh, dear!) [Gypsy.] Tom Servo! (I'm huge!) [Tom.] Crooooooow! (Bite me!) [Take a wild guess. ;)] If you're wondering how he eats [The SoL flies across the and breathes, screen then Dr. F and Frank And other science facts, (la la la) appear from under it.] Repeat to yourself "It's just a show, [Mike and co. hiding behind a I should really just relax, table with explosives on it.] For Mystery Science Theater 3000 (v. 2.0)!" [Dr. F trying to pay off a policeman, fade to the MST3k globe.] Best Brains on Drugs Presents... MSTed by Blazej Szpakowicz (zek@csi.uottawa.ca) Based on a Sailor Moon fanfiction by CATS MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 (version 2.0) EPISODE 104: TRIANGLE TANGLE Mike Nelson and Tom Servo surveyed their cards and, in silent agreement, said "Fold." Mike dropped the cards face down on the table and looked over at the next player. "Crow?" The Golden Bot looked at *his* cards briefly and then, with a "Oh, what the heck" type of shrug, he picked up several of his chips. "Okay, I'll call you and raise you by five." Ruri Hoshino arched her right eyebrow and tossed five more chips onto the growing pile. "Call." she said softly. She dropped her cards face up on the table. "Four Aces. What do you have?" Crow frowned mightily as he threw his cards down. "I was bluffing... I just have a pair of eights..." Ruri rolled her eyes and muttered "baka" before reaching out and gathering her newly won chips. She was already winning the game by a sizeable margin, a large pile filled with well over a hundred chips lay beside her. Mike and Tom, playing in tandem due to Tom's lack of power in the arm department, had a much smaller but still respectable collection--they'd actually managed to win one hand. Crow T. Robot, however, was another story. He only had about a half dozen chips left. This was, in all likelihood, a result of his having several times bet good money on the probability of winning a game with hands consisting of five different but equally low cards. Mike took the deck and quickly shuffled it several times. He then proceeded to deal them out. It didn't take too long before Mike and Tom once again unanimously gave up. Ruri had exchanged a few cards and now stood ready to expand her collection of chips, nary a flicker of expression visible. She tossed several of her chips into the center of the table. "Ten." Crow looked at his own pathetic collection. "Um, I don't have that many..." Ruri shrugged, "Then I win." "No, hold on," Crow cried, "I'll lay down a wager. Um... if you win this game, then I won't make any off-colour remarks during the next experiment, whatever it may be." Ruri shrugged again. "If you insist. Royal flush." Crow looked at her cards in disbelief before taking in the sight of his motely collection. "Ohhh, I was bluffing..." Mike shurgged. "Sorry, Crow. Maybe next time. You seem to be out for this game, anyway..." The red light indicating a transmission from Deep Thirteen suddenly began to flash. "Never mind." said Mike, "Butch and Sundance are calling." * * * The evil Dr. Clayton Forrester sneered at his test subjects impolitely. "Well, if it isn't Maverick and company..." * * * "Hi, sir!" Mike replied, "It's nice to see you too!" * * * "Why, thank you!" Dr. F. said with a grin. "Things are a bit hectic down here at the moment--I'm considering a slightly... different approach to taking over the World. I'd tell you about it, but I have to finalize a few things, so, without any further ado, on to the invention exchange..." T.V.'s Frank, interrupting his employer, waddled in with a large wheelbarrow. "Hiya, Clay." he said cheerfully, "I have those campaign stickers you wanted!" Dr. F. nodded, "Ah, thank you, Frank!" he picked up a random sticker, only to frown mightily, "Frank... I hate to point this out to you, but my name is *not* Steve." The stickers, adorned with a portrait of a grinning Dr. Forrester, proudly carried the slogan "Vote for Steve!" Frank blushed. "Sorry, Steve. I'll order the new batch immediately!" He proceeded to walk off. Dr. F shook his head, "They just don't make mindless assistants like they used to, I'm afraid... Anyway, as you can probably guess, I'm going to be trying my hand at politics! In fact, I'm working on making contacts for myself within Washington as we speak!" *Brrrring* "Oh, hold on a sec, I seem to have a call." Forrester pick up the receiver and listened for a few minutes. "I *told* you, Bill, you have nothing ot worry about from that Starr fellow, he has *nothing* on you... Yes, I realize that, but he doesn't actually have any *proof*, now does he? No, that's okay, I'll... Um, hold on, I've got a call on the other line..." He clicked a few buttons and then listened to the caller. "Don't worry, Ken, I'm *sure* you'll be able to get him. Well, *of course* that evidence I gave you is true! No, no, I'm afraid that would be rather difficult... Well, legality is a rather overrated concept at the moment..." Suddenly, T.V.'s Frank walked back into the room, "Okay, sir, I..." He paused as he noticed the situation. "Oh, I'm sorry!" "Frannnk..." Dr. F. said menacingly, "Oh, never mind! Listen, this is gonna take a while, why don't you send them the fic." He turned to look back to the inhabitants of the Satellite. "I'm sure you'll enjoy it, it's a rather charming lemon by a fellow named... Um, tell me, is he okay?" * * * "D'oh!" *thud* "D'oh!" *thud* "D'oh!" *thud* "D'oh!" *thud* "D'oh!" *thud* Crow T. Robot seemed to be busily hitting his head on the table. "Oh, he's fine," Mike reassured. "Just ignore him!" * * * Dr. F. frowned, "Yes, whatever. Well, I've rather got to deal with this call, so send them the fanfic, Frank!" * * * "OH NO, WE'VE GOT LEMON SIIIIIIIGN!" Mike and Tom shouted. "D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!" Crow cried out. Soon, Mike, Tom, Ruri and a whimpering Crow entered the theater. Door 6: It's a heavy black door that slides open with an ominous bang, revealing the hot pink panelling of the corridor behind. Door 5: It has a complicated tumbler lock system. You fiddle with it for a few minutes then toss a brick through the window and open the latch. Door 4: It's a foreboding, securely locked iron gate. You open the doggie door and squeeze through. Door 3: It's a solid wall of glass. You hum Stone Cold Steve Austin's entrance theme and it kee-rashes to pieces. Door 2: It's a saloon door. You kick it open and it swings back and hits you in the face. You then walk through carefully. Door 1: It's a large double door that opens inwards into the theater. >Here is a story about Sailor Moon: Mike: Once upon a time there was a girl named Moon who wanted to sail the seven seas... >Sailor Moon: Ruri: I take it CATS figured we'd forget the series he was stealing from after he mentioned it in the last line? >Triangle Tangle Mike: Triangle? Well we already know this is a lemon, so... Tom: 'I have a bad feeling about this'? Mike: Exactly. >By CATS Ruri: I take it Andrew Lloyd Webber is not amused? Mike: What sort of name is "CATS" anyway? I mean, why not PLATYPUSES or RABIDGROUNDSQUIRRELS? >**** Tom: Four stars? Oh no it ain't. >The characters within this story were not created by me. Mike: Say, Crow, are you okay? You haven't said anything... Crow: *whimper* Leave me alone... >This is a lemon fanfics Tom: Don't tell me there's more than one of these things... >so you know what you are to do. Mike: Not succumb to the temptation to crack an oh-so-original mailbomb joke? >Either get a change of pants or Mike: have a really smelly behind? >go get mommy's permission to read it. Mike: Oh, hold on while I get my ouija board... >You must be 18 or GET OUT!!! Ruri: I wish I could. >It contains sex Crow: ...essential nutrients? Mike: Ah, good for you! Crow: Well, it's not as though the fic's gonna be going away just to please me... Tom: That's the spirit! >between characters from the series Sailor Moon Crow (CATS): Just in case you haven't figured that fact out from the first two times I mentioned it... >(North American Version). Mike: Colloquially known as the "crappy" version. >Any suggestions, Crow: Oh, I've got a lot of *those*. Most of them aren't printable, but I've got a lot of 'em. Tom: Are *any* printable? Crow: Well, there is 'Throw your computer of a towering cliff' or 'Cut your modem to little pieces and mail them to Taiwan'. >problems Ruri: "Solve for x: (2^x+4)^3/12.5x=3 log x+5" >or comments, send to lionclaw@bellsouth.net. Please address them to CATS. Tom: Caps-locks Are The Saviours? Crow: Crappy and Terrible Scribe? Mike: Ceylonese-American Terrorist Shaman? Ruri: Canadians Are Totally Soulless? >Any otherwise will not be read. Mike (CATS): I mean, I won't listen to them *anyway*, but if they're addressed to CATS, I might actually read them. Ruri (CATS): That is, of course, if I can find time to do so in my busy schedule. >I hope you enjoy and cum...er come again Tom (deadpan): Ha, ha, ha. How droll. >**** Mike: You just don't listen, do you? > Malachite arose from his bed. Crow (Malachite): Oooh, my back hurts! >He couldn't sleep due to the fact that Mike: He didn't have his Bobo! Tom (a la Citizen Kane): Booooobooooo.... >his beloved Zoisite wasn't Ruri: ...a woman? Yes, we know. Just tell that to DiC. >there with him and Malachite needed to get out. Tom: We know how you feel, bud! Crow: So where is Zoisite, anyway? Mike: Who knows? This is a lemon, it's not as though it needs a plot. >It was early in the mroning but Mike: ...late in the morning? >in the Negaverse there really is no morning. Crow: Why not? Youmas, I mean, pardon me, "Monsters from the Negaverse" die all the time. Mike: Morning, not mourning. Tom: What I want to know is, if there's no morning then how could it *be* morning? Crow: Maybe that was why CATS used "mroning" instead? >Malachite changed from his boxers Mike: Ah, boxers! The latest negaverse chic! Ruri: Do you think they were Dread Lord Calvin brand boxers? >into his uniform. Crow: Ah, his Bozo the Clown suit! >He wondered Crow: ...how they get the caramel into the caramilk bars? Ruri: How original. Crow: It's one of those oldies-but-goodies. >what Sailor Moon would be up to today and Mike: What colour her panties would be? I mean, it's not as though he'd be wondering if he could beat her, seeing as anyone with half a brain would know he never *will*. >if he could capture her, Tom: I'll give you a hint: Your answer rhymes with "no". >Queen Beryl would generously praise him. Crow: She would write in a good word for him when he tried to get that long sought-after job at McDonalds! Mike: She might even give him a raise! Tom: Yeah, and then Megane 6.7 will write a MSTing that is either completely ignored or else reviled by all. >With a flash Ruri: Wally West or Barry Allen? Tom: Maybe Flash Gordon? >of his white covered hand, Tom: Covered with what? Snow? Salt? Dandruff? Mike: You'd think CATS could say "gloved hand". I mean, it's shorter and less ambiguous and... Tom: Yeah, but then someone might accuse him of writing well. >Malchite disappeard from his room. Ruri: Along with one of his E's, apparently. > Darien was Crow: an annoying, cliched, whiny twit with delusions of coolness. Still is, for that matter. >jogging down the streets, Mike (sings): **Jogging down the streets, in a one-horse open sleigh...** >trying to Tom: ...jump right in front of a moving vehicle... >get stuff out of his mind. Crow: Jeez, just use a q-tip, you idiot! >He kept having flashes Tom: Hot flashes? Crow: Hey... >of a distant place Mike: A distant place... a mysterious place... a place he'd never even imagined could exist... Crow: The bathroom? >but he didn't know where. Ruri: Wherever it is, why don't you go there and get the hell out of our hair? >He stopped to whip the sweat from his head Crow: Hopefully with a cat-o-nine-tails. >and he noticed Mina in the arcade. Mike: I guess that's our happy couple for the day? Ruri: Don't you remember the title? Mike: Oh yeah, good point. I guess Malachite makes three then. Ruri: I should really say something involving the words "out of character here"... Crow: Don't bother, you'll only wear yourself out. Just nod and smile... >He walked into the arcade Tom: Head first. >and say hi to Andrew Crow: *WARNING* *WARNING* Tenses collapsing! Fanfic in danger of Esperitis! Tom: I get the feeling that by the end of this fic we'll just be *praying* for "Esper Chronicles"... >who was busy sweeping. Mike: for intruders? Crow: Maybe for mines? Tom: Only if he missed one and someone steps on it. Mike: Getting dark, are we? Tom: It's my natural reaction to bad fanfics. >Andrew waved and went back to his work. Mike: And so he got to stay out of this lemon, the lucky devil! Ruri: Still, his name will eternally be besmirched just for having a cameo... >Darien proceeded over to Mina. Tom: Hey, CATS, ever hear of the word "walked"? Crow: He must have one of those Warrior Brand Thesauri. Tom: Yeah, there seem to be a lot of those around... >She was busy playing Crow: (giggles) Mike: Crow... Crow: Hey, I didn't say anything! Tom: She was playing the new award winning video game, "Tiddlywinks: A Night of Champions." >the Sailor V game Tom: Guide Sailor V through the tortuous and gargantuan tasks of choosing her daily wardrobe and deciding where to shop! >and didn't notice him. Mike: Ignoring him won't make him go away, Mina! >He quietly tapped her on the shoulder and Ruri: ...she fell apart into lots of little lego blocks. Tom: ...she reflexively backhanded him halfway across the room. >she jumped up in surprise. Crow: and embedded herself in the ceiling. >"Oh hello Darien" Tom (Mina): Now get your hand out of there or you'll lose it... Crow: Tommmmm... Tom: What? *whistle* Mike: (Mina): You made me lose this video game. You will die for this! >Mian said. Ruri: Can anyone think of any riffs for this line that don't involve the words "Mina's evil twin sister'? Mike: Not really. >She tried to recover from the shock Tom: It's too late, I'm afraid. You're already in this fanfic and you're *not* getting out... >as she brushed her hair back. Tom: Hey, Mina? You're shedding... >Darien admired her Ruri: Please do not drool on the Video Games. Mike (Mina): Ewww! PERVERT! *slap* >beauty. Tom: Oh, come on, CATS, we all *know* you were just *dying* to use a slightly *different* word there... >She was wearing Mike: her birthday suit? Crow: Miiiiiike! >a pink shirt with a small pink skirt. Mike: I'm guessing that the copy and paste functions of CATS' computer got a lot of practice during this passage... Ruri: Don't you just love the carefully thought out colour scheme? >"What re Crow: Um... re: Henry? >you doing here so early?" Mike (Mina): Oh, my pimp let me off a bit early so I'm killing a few hours before school. >he said as he sat on the stool Tom (Darien): Oh, crap! Crow: (groan) Baaaad pun... >next to her. Mike: Can't you just get to the florid sex scene already? You know you want to, and the faster it shows up, the faster we'll be out of here! >"Well I needed to get out" Ruri: She escaped from jail? >she said as she put another token into the game. Mike (Mina): Now, just fifty-thousand *more* and I'll be able to play again. >"Yeah me too" Ruri: That was certainly descriptive. Crow: I see CATS put a lot of effort into the backstory for this lemon. >Darien said as he whipped some more sweat from his brow. Mike: You know, I really wish CATS wouldn't use the word "whipped" there. It just has bad connotations... I mean, I realize that he probably can't think about anything *but* those connotations, but, still... >Mina played furiously at the game. Crow (Mina): Stupid game! I will win you! I WILL WIN Y...! Oh, poopie. Say, Darien, you got a quarter? >She banged it when she lost again. Mike: Of course, we all know what, or rather "who" she *really* wanted to "bang". Crow: Miiiiiiike! You're meeeeeeean! Ruri: Do you think CATS is actively trying for the phrasing with the most interesting connotations? >"Well who need thsi! Mike: Well, I think *you'd* rather need the sea. I mean, seeing as you're a sailor, if there wasn't one, wouldn't you be out of a job? >Oh uh Darien would you Tom (Mina): ...care to get your hands out of my panties? Crow: *sniffle* >like to go for a walk" Ruri: ...through the bad part of town at night? >Mina said in a shy but confident voice. Ruri (Darien): No, sorry, I have to go rip out my fingernails. Maybe later? >"Sure, my jogs pretty much over with. Tom: (hums a death march) Mike: What is it? Tom: Just mourning the passing of proper characterization. Crow: What, this late? Tom: Hey, I had to do it sooner or later. >Let's go" he said as he grabbed her hand. Crow (Darien): Serena? Who's Serena? Tom: So, I guess one count of statuatory rape isn't enough for you, huh Darien? Mike: Tom... That's going a bit far. Crow: Yeah, nice one! Tom: Why, thank you! Ruri: Darien shouldn't even be seeing Serena yet if this an episode with Malachite as the villain. Crow: Wait, you're right. Cancel those first two riffs then. >They both stood and walked out of the arcade. Mike: Andrew, meanwhile, thanked the Gods that the author had forgotten about him. > They walked in a nearby park. Mike: You know, now would be a *wonderful* time for a youma to ambush them and do something not involving you-know-what to them... >They talked about school, Ruri: Darien had been held back enough times that Mina could tutor him. >what they plan on doing in the summer, Tom: What they plan on doing at the End of Summer... Crow: (under breath) Stupid ing ... >Serena, Rei, an old boyfriend of Mina's Mike: ...and some weird guy named Ernie that neither of them actually knew. >and then it got onto the subject of sex. Ruri: As things tend to in certain types of fanfics... >Mina was not a virgin Mike: She was an HMV. Or maybe a Tower. >but had only had sex with one person in her life. Ruri: Hmm... I don't want to know who, do I? Mike: Somehow, I doubt it. Ruri: Didn't think so. >Darien usually got some Crow (Duke Nukem): COME GET SOME! >on the weekends, Crow: Inbetween Saturday morning cartoons. >but he could get a girl Tom: Albeit the fat one with huge warts. >or sometimes a guy to suck his cock at night. Ruri: Oh, that's nice to know. Really it is. >Darien felt his cock begin to swell up Tom: Uh-oh, it's gonna blow... Crow: (whiny) It's just not fair... Mike: (blanches) Yuck. >in his boxers and Mina's pussy started to get moist. Ruri: Ah, had enough of that stupid PG crap, have we, CATS-kun? >She felt it trickle in her panties Mike: Ewww! MINA! Next time use the toilet! >and they sat down on a bench. Ruri (Darien): Hmm. "Wet paint". I wonder what that means... >They leaned in to kiss each other but were stopped Tom: Whoa, whoa? Something *stopping* a sex scene? In a bad lemon? You had better be joking... Mike: Next thing you know, this'll turn into a heart-warming romantic story. Tom: Naah, I wouldn't go *that* far... >when they heard a scream. Mike: CATS' mommy and daddy must have discovered the real reason he never let them near his computer... >They turned and looked and Malachite was attacking some people in the park. Ruri: Just attacking? CATS must be going soft... >Darien and Mina quickly jumped into action. Tom: ...and hit each other by mistake. Mike (Mina): Ow! Jump in the other direction, you dork! >Mina held up her transformation pen and said Crow: It's morphin' time? Ruri: No, that's another irritating and badly-dubbed Superhero show you're thinking about. Tom: Same difference... >"VENUS POWER!". Tom: Val Venis power? >With a series of glow Mike: ...worms? >s and stars she was turned into Sailor Venus. Ruri: Cue cheesy speech. Mike: Except that in this particular fic, the words "I will punish you" probably have a slightly different meaning... >Darien held out a rose Crow: Oh, for me? Thanks! >and he was soon transformed into Tuxedo Mask. Tom: Hey, everyone, it's Inspirational Speech Man! >Malachite looked to the two fighters for justice and smiled. Mike (Malachite): Oh, how nice! They're going to defeat and humiliate me! >He knew that if he couldn't get Sailor Moon Ruri: He'd shrivel up and die from sugar deprivation. >at least one of the sailor socuts All except Ruri: SUCK IT! Ruri: Bakas. >and Tuxedo Mask would do. Mike: I didn't know Malachite was into that type of thing. I mean, I knew the Japanese version was, but... Tom: Careful there... I think Crow's starting to think really nasty thoughts... >Malachite raised his hand and Crow: (Malachite): Uh, Miss? The answer's three! >a bolt of energy hit Sailor Venus and Tuxedo Mask. Ruri: I'll have smoked sailors with that, please... Crow: (a la Shawn Michaels): So, d'you like your Sailors rare, medium or *well done*? >They both fell to the floor Crow: (Tuxedo Mask): Et tu, Malachite? Then fall Darien! Ruri: Oh, is this the heartwrenching death scene? Tom: Don't we wish... at least *then* we'd have something to cheer about. >and were unable to move. Mike: Doesn't he know he's supposed to allow them to make their heroic speeches first? Crow: (British): I say, that's very unsportsmanlike. >Malachite then teleported all of them to a secret room in the Negaverse. Mike: Gee, I *wonder* what is going to happen there? > A few hours later Sailor Venus and Tuxedo >Mask awakened. Crow: ...and it had all been a dream! >Sailor Venus shook her head and then looked around. Tom (Venus): I didn't know the Negaverse was into Pink Wallpaper... >The room was completely black. Tom: You know, you *should* open your eyes before you start to look around... >She then realized that Ruri: ...she was completely naked, probably. >all she had on was a bra and her panties. Tom: Jeez, that Negaverse really hasn't been thorough, has it? Mike: Yes, I know! How could they *possibly* leave *any* clothing on her?? Tom: (shakes head) Villains today... Crow: Guuuuuuuys... Ruri: So many bakas. >Tuxedo Mask looked at her in shock, Crow: Venus, you could really stand to lose some *weight*! Mike: Yeah, and what *is* that smell...? >feeling excited but curious at the same time. Mike (Tuxedo Mask): Wow, this might even be more fun than the calculus final! >Venus tried to cover herself but she heard someone tell her not to bother. Tom: Well, of course she shouldn't bother. This is, after all, a lemon. >Soon Malachite appeared. Tom: Someone tell me this isn't going where it's going... Ruri: "This isn't going where it's going". Tom: Hey, I don't recall asking you to lie to me! >He moved over to Venus and started removing her bra. Mike (Malachite): If you'll excuse me, I need this for my *collection*. >Venus tried to get away but Crow: We feel for you, kid... Mike: Just do what we do, insult everything that moves and scream bloody murder at Oscar. >then Malachite gripped her arm painfully. Mike (Malachite): Uh-uh. You *will* get the tetanus shot! >She let out a scream. Ruri: ...and Malachite's head shattered. >"Now don't move little Sailor" Mike (Malachite): Or I will tell you to not move. >he said as he unsnapped her bra. Tom (Malachite): Whoa! You're not so little after all! Crow: (whines despairingly) > He pulled it off and admired her firm Tom: buttocks? >breasts. Tuxedo Mask stared and Mike: ...thought "Ooh, he'd look good in that bra..." >his cock began to get hard again. Crow: Oh, it's freezing! Mike: *crack* Ruri (Tuxedo Mask): Oh, damn, it broke off... >Malachite moved his hand over one of her nipples. Mike (Malachite): Does this bug you? I'm not touching you... >Venus tried to fight it but she moaned. "You enjoy this" Tom (Malachite): Me Malachite, you Jane. >Malachite said as he leaned in. Crow: ...and then she kicked him in the face. >He kissed her hard on her mouth and Tom: ...howled in pain as his lower lip was torn off. >moved his hand to her other nipple. Crow (Malachite): Hey, I didn't know these things were detachable! >Malachite let his tongue slide into her mouth and Venus Tom: ...bit it off, hopefully. Ruri: I rather doubt that CATS is trying to go for realism here. Crow: If he is, then he hasn't *quite* managed it. >had to let him in. Ruri: Why? Mike: The author's whim, of course. Tom: Let's be frank, she'd happily "play" with the Overfiend if some sicko felt like writing it... Ruri: I didn't need that image, thank you. >He began lick all over Crow: Ah, good doggie! You'll get a biscuit for that! >the inside of her mouth Crow (Malachite): Phew! What *have* you been eating? Tom (Malachite): I mean, you ever hear of *toothpaste*? >as he moved his hand up and down her chest. Mike: Ah, he has a nervous twitch, poor guy... Tom (Malachite): Hey, Venus, your skin's flaking off. >Malachite finally removed his mouth from hers and Ruri: ...went to put it in decontamination. Crow: You know, the phrasing there makes it sound like he carefully took off his mouth before putting it in her's... >salvia Mike: Rocky Salvia? >trailed his mouth. Mike: Ewww! He's foaming at the mouth! How sick... Crow (Venus): Humph. Men! >Malachite moved his hands down to Mina hips and pulled Ruri: I don't think those come out, Malachite. Tom (Malachite): Dammit, there's gotta be a catch to open these here somewhere... >her closer to him. Mike (Venus): Urgh. Can't... breathe... >Malachite proceeded to grind his hips up against hers, Mike: Oh, look, they're dancing! Tom: Whoo! Shake that booty! Yeah! Crow (sings): *stayin' alive... stayin' alive...* Ruri: You people are so lame. >making them both moan. Tom: ..and then his hip snapped off. Ruri: (Malachite): Damned cheap replacement body parts. >Sailor Venus's pussy began to get wet Tom: Hey, she's drowning Artemis! Mike: I guess there was a reason there wasn't any "No Animals Were harmed in the Making of this Fanfic" notice, huh? >in her panties. Tom: Oh, *that's* what you meant! Sorry, my mistake! >Malachite stopped grinded his hips and Crow: ...burst forth into a delightful song-and-dance number! >moved his hand down her small body. Mike (Malachite): Whoa... what's *that* doin' there? Crow: *sniffle* *whine* >He placed one hand into her panties Ruri: ...remembering to detach it first... >and slipped a finger across her pussy. Crow: Meeeeoooow? >Sailor Venus let out a small moan. Tom: You know, they *keep* doing that... Ruri: Maybe they should get themselves checked? Mike: Yeah, they might have Bronchitis or something... >He pulled the hand out of her panties and Tom: ...snapped it back into place! >brought it to his lips. Mike: Is he gonna *eat* his own hand? Crow (Malachite): Self-mutilation is fun! >He slowly licked the juices off of his white glove. Crow (Malachite): Mmm. Frui-ty! > Tuxedo Mask stood to his feet and Tom: Oh, wonderful. Here comes Weiner Boy to save the day... Ruri: I don't think so, somehow. Mike: This *is* a lemon. He's probably gonna... well, you know. Crow: Actually, what I'd like to know is why Malachite didn't take the sensible precaution and tie him down. Mike: Maybe he's not into S&M? Crow: I guess that makes... Hey! Don't do that! Mike: Heh, sorry. But you are *such* an easy mark. >walked over to them. Ruri: Staggering drunkenly. >He removed his gloves and Mike: ...then his fingers, one by one... >began removing his cape. Tom: Hopefully he'll smother himself by accident. >He took off his black jacket and pulled down his pants. Mike (groan) How very original. >Malachite looked at him and admired the tent in his light blue boxers. Crow: A whole tent? That must be one big pair of boxers... >Venus moaned as Ruri: Again? Tom: Are you sure you're alright, Venus? >Malachite moved his fingers over her panties. Mike (Malachite): Hey, what's this brown... smelly... stuff? >He rubbed them over the area where her pussy was. Crow: I still say it's wrong of Mina to put Artemis in *there* of all places... Tom: Maybe he's been hanging around Oscar too long? Crow: (turns green) *Please* don't bring that up... Ruri: How did you do that? Crow: Do what? >Venus moaned excitedly. Mike (Venus): Torture chambers turn me on! Tom (Venus): Ahhhh, I won't need Artemis anymore! Crow: Guuuuuuys! >"Well you want to join the fun!" Ruri (Tuxedo Mask): No, actually I was hoping to defeat your nefarious plan and bring you to justice. Tom (Malachite): (laughs) Ah, you're such a kidder! >Malachite said as he moved his hand steadily over Venus's panties. Crow: But not actually touching them, note. Mike: Maybe he's into long distance relationships? >Tuxedo Mask moved over to Venus Tom (Tuxedo Mask): Ahh, I should have been a bad guy all *along*! >and covered one of her breats Tom: She's wearing Soccer shoes? Mike: No, no, no. Those are "cleats". Tom: Oh, sorry. My bad! >with his mouth. Ruri: Oh, cannibalism. That's always fun. >He sucked and flick Crow: ...ered and lickered? >ed his tongue over her nipple. Tom: (Tuxedo Mask): *click* Oh damn, it came out! >Sailor Venus was in heaven Crow: Actually, it's another reality, and probably closer to Hell but, hey, who cares? >with Malchite rubbing over her pussy and Tuxedo Mask Ruri: ...labourously taking notes. Mike: (Tuxedo Mask): Hey, maybe *this* way I'll be able to have "fun" with a girl without her running away screaming! >licking her chest. Mike: Hey, I think you missed a spot of dirt there, about three inches below her right nipple, Darien! >Tuxedo Mask began circling her nipple Ruri (Tuxedo Mask): Okay, we're going to have to amputate on this mark. >with his tongue. He then began to nibble at her nipple. Mike (Tuxedo Mask): Mmm, tastes like chocolate! Ruri: Oh, look, alliteration. Crow: Hey, who'd a thought CATS had any stylistic writing in him? Ruri: Yes... Where do you think he copied it from? >Sailor Venus was breathing heavily Ruri: I suppose she had misplaced her inhalator. >and Malachite was enjoying rubbibg the fabric over her pussy. Crow: He's enjoying suffocating that poor animal? What a monster! Mike: I think we've had enough jokes like that... Crow: Come on, they're all I've got left... >Malachite reached down and began rubbing Mike (Malachite): D'you think that if I rub this enough, a genie'll come out? >his hand over Tuxedo Mask's chest. Mike (Malachite): Whoa, I think you've got bigger, heh, "attachments" than Venus does! Tom (Tuxedo Mask): Ah, so you noticed! I knew that surgery was a good idea... Crow: *grumble* I hope the both of you die bloody... >He pinched and tugged at one of his nipples Ruri: I think you might have to pull a bit harder than that to get it out! Tom (Malachite): Damn but this thing's wedged in tight! >through the white fabric of his shirt. Mike: *squirt* >Malachite stopped rubbing on Venus Tom: Venus Brand Sunblock, available now at your local shopping centre! >and Tuxedo Mask stopped suckling her breasts. Tom: Ummm... this isn't going where I think it's going, is it? Ruri: Yes, it is. Tom: Thanks for the reassurance... > "Well let's just see the size of the cock Mike: It's about three feet tall with vibrant red plumage. >we'll be working with" Ruri: It's going to be filling out all the crucial paperwork while they lounge in their offices. >Malachite said as he tugged at Tuxedo Mask's Mike: (blanches) Suddenly, I have a *really* bad image... Tom: Oh, Darien, I didn't know it could come out that far! Mike: (blanches even more) Urk... Crow: (mutters under his breath angrily) >boxers. Tom (Malachite): Hot pink, Darien? What *were* you thinking? >Sailor Venus recovered from Ruri: ...this lemon? Tom: No, that won't be happening until some time around the turn of the century, probably. >her sensations and began unbuttoning Tuxedo Mask's white shirt. Tom (Venus as Azusa): Oooooh, Francine, Francine! Crow: Actually, I can somehow quite easily see Francine in this position... Mike: Maybe it's her dress sense? Ruri: What are you talking about? Tom: Uhhh, never mind. >She ripped it off of him. Mike: Revealing his fat, pale, scabrous, gouty chest. >Tuxedo Mask removed his mask Crow: ...and part of his face came off with it. Tom (Venus): Darien! You're bleeding all over your shirt! >and Sailor Venus was shocked to see it was Darien. All: (clap politely) Tom: Good work, Sherlock. I guess the fact that Darien vanished mysteriously and was replaced by Tux-Boy didn't clue you in, huh? Ruri: No, of course not. To figure it out, she'd have had to be in character. >Tuxedo Mask slowly pulled down his boxers. Mike (Venus): You sure there's actually something there, Darien? I really can't make anything out... >First showing his pubic hair Crow: All three strands of it. Miek: (Venus): Hey, Darien, what *is* that stuff crusted in there? >that surrounded his swollen cock Ruri: Swollen to a towering size of approximately half an inch. >and then he pulled them off completely. Crow (Tuxedo Mask): *Ta-daah*! Tom (Venus): Oh, what a great magic trick! You made your... heh... "cannon" vanish! >He stood with a 9 inch cock. Mike: Oooh, suddenly I feel so inadequate... Tom: Yes, the size of his member, the true measure of a man! >Venus stood in shock again. Mike (Venus): Geez, you're not expecting me to *do* anything with that, are you? I mean, I'd need a microscope and tweezers... >The first and only guy she fucked had only a six inch dick. Crow: Whoa, I really don't know how she survived with just six inches... >Malachite smiled and said Ruri: (Malachite): Hold still while I get the guillotine. >"That's nothing compared to mine". Crow: In the same way that the C.N. Tower is nothing compared to an ant hill? >He laughed and with a flash of his hand Tom: ...Darien was burning in the infernal pits of Hell... All: (sigh blissfully) >all of his clothing was off Mike: (Tuxedo Mask): Look, Malachite, I'm flattered and all but you're *really* not my type... >except his boxers. Ruri: So, is he wearing a suit made from Mike Tyson and Joe Frazier? >He pointed to Venus and Mike: Hey, it's rude to point! >motioned for her to come to him. Crow: You know, I just love CATS' incredible grasp on the true nature of women: subservient and with no free will of their own. Tom: Well, of course! Aren't *all* women like that? Mike: I guess I've only ever met real deviants, then... >She walked over to him and pulled Crow (Malachite, falsetto): Ow! That hurts! Mike: (pales) Ewwww... >his black, silk boxers down slowly. Tom: Ready the artillery, Mr. Malachite! >It soon revealed a semi hard six inch cock. Mike: Just six inches? What an underachiever! Crow: Still, if he thinks that's better than Darien's almighty nine, then that really says something about the Negaverse's School System. Ruri: Myself, I'm just surprised that CATS allowed himself to use such a small number. >Tuxedo Mask laughed and pointed to his dick. All: Ga-hyuck-hyuck-hyuck! > "That's not even close to the size of my dick" he said. Tom (Tuxedo Mask): I swear, I am *so* much *better* than you! Mike: You know, it's nice to see how mature and intelligent Tux-Boy is. I mean, here I always thought he was a real cad but it just isn't that way at all! Crow: Yes, you're right! CATS has really managed to capture the kind, gentlemanly, likeable side of him perfectly! Ruri: Indeed, he is truly a master of his craft. >"Wait" he said and grabbed Venus's hand. Mike: Little did he know it was actually one of them newfangled *trick* hands... >She began rubbing her hand up and down on his cock. Tom: Ewww, this thing is so *sticky*! Crow: *sniff* >Within seconds it grew huge in her hand. Ruri: Somehow, it figures... Crow: You know, I rather think that CATS would find Dirk Diggler's, uh, ovum buster too small for his tastes... >Soon her hand couldn't even hold it. Tom: Oh my God... It's gonna *blow*! >His cock slapped against his stomach Mike: With a wet *splat*. >and Malachite grinned. Tom (Malachite): So, what've you got to say for yourself now, Mr. Big Cock Guy?? Crow (Darien): *sniff sniff* >Tuxedo Mask stared at the 12 inch cock. Ruri (Tuxedo Mask): I suddenly want to crawl away into a dark hole and die of shame. Mike: Don't you love the way CATS has managed to capture the true essence of what makes every man a unique, important individual? Crow: The size of his love rocket? Mike: Yeah. > Malachite waved his hand All: BYE! >and a bed appeared in the dark room. Tom: Ooh, magic tricks. Crow (Malachite): I also do weddings and bar mitzvahs! >He grabbed Venus's hand and let her over to the bed. Tom (Malachite): Now, for my *next* trick, I'm gonna ask you to do the laundry! > "Come over here Tuxedo Mask!" Crow: No, please... Ruri: Somehow, you of all people saying this... Crow: It just isn't any fun without girls! I have no need to see... Mike: Quiet. >he said with a hint of begging. Crow (Malachite): Please? Please? I'll cry... >Tuxedo >Mask walked over to Malachite and Malachite Ruri: Attorneys at Law? Mike: Haven't we used that joke already? Ruri: Not for this particular experiment. >pushed him on the bed. Crow: You know, I *really* don't need to see... Mike: Come to think of it, I think we've read more than enough of this fanfic already... Tom: Yeah, it's starting to head into a real weird area... Mike: Okay, everyone, you know what to do... Crow: Hey, I don't wanna... Tom: I thought you just said you quote, don't need to see, unquote. Crow: Yeah, but there might be something good... Mike: Yeah, well, too bad. (Mike and Ruri close their eyes while Mike covers the Bots' eyes or dome, respectively) Crow: Hey, get offa... Mike: Quiet. Ruri: Just out of curiosity, why didn't we ever do this before? Mike: It only works for lemons. Ruri: Why? Mike: Just convention... (time passes. And passes. And passes. This would, for the record, be about the proper time to go get a snack.) Tom: You think it's finished yet? Mike: I dunno, let's check. (everyone opens their eyes) >fer Tuxedo Mask. Crow (cockney): I got a package here fer a mister Tuxedo Mask, guvnor! >Well anyways it's time you gave Mina or Sailor Venus Tom (Mina): Secret identities? Who needs 'em?? >a good fucking to prepare her for my huge cock!" Mala Mike: Oh, that's nice to know really it is. I don't think it's quite done yet guys. Crow: Hey, come on, it looks like this is just about to get... Mike: Really? Crow: Well... Mike: Too bad. (Once again, everyone closes their eyes, or gets them covered between rounds of hearty protest) Ruri: Just out of curiosity, is this the norm for your lemons? Tom: No, this is actually pretty tame. Ruri: Tame? Tom: I'm not saying it's *good*, but at least there hasn't been anything truly sickening or disgusting done yet. Ruri: You mean other than CATS' opinions on the true measure of men and women? Tom: I meant more... viscerally disgusting. Like tender scenes of Oscar boffing Artemis. Mike (gags) Ruri: Well, if you put it that way... Tom: Um, d'you suppose it's done yet? (everyone opens their eyes) >while since she had a cock in her pussy Tom: What, Artemis is two-timing Oscar? With a bird no less? Crow: You show promise... Tom: Aren't you supposed to be whining about how unfair it is that we steal your riffs? Crow: Oh, right. Hey! That's not fair! >and never was it this long. Darien be Mike: Nope, not done yet. Once more unto the breach, dear friends... Crow: Hey, come on! It's just starting to get good! Mike: Sorry, Crow. Maybe next time... Crow: But, it isn't... Hey! (You know the drill... time passes, and then passes some more...) Ruri: I think I've just tripled the length of my "Ideal Tortures for Dr. Forrester" list. Crow: Ah, now *there's* a pleasant thought for you... Ruri: Where does he get these things, anyway? Mike: I really don't want to know... Ruri: With our luck he has a thirty man panel of writers constantly churning it out... Mike: (shivers) God, I hope not! Crow: Still, he certainly outdone himself with this CATS person. Tom: Yeah, I mean, quick plot summary: Darien and Mina meet at the arcade, go to the park, nearly go at it, get captured by Malachite and taken to the Negaverse, where all three of them immediately start boinking, thus throwing characterization and realism right out the window. Even *Oscar* could write a better setup for a disturbing lemon scene! Mike: Yeah, agreed. (short, uneventful pause) Ruri: Maybe it's done now? (once again, everyone opens their eyes) >ll over his member. Ruri: Somehow, I don't want to know precisely what was all over his member. Mike: Water, just water. If you think that, it makes surviving this type of thing *much* easier... >Mina wrapped her legs around Malachite's waist Mike: Ah, they're playing twister! >as he came in her. Ruri: Must've been a tight fit. >He came for a long time, making her feel real good. Tom: Ah, there's some more of that patented, descriptive CATS prose! Mike: "He came and she felt real good"... If that won't get you the Pulitzer, I don't know what will... Ruri: I don't think it's done yet. Crow: (Looks down a few lines) No, but it's approaching the end. >Tuxedo Mask soon came also Ruri: If CATS says anything indicating they were both in there at the same time, he dies... Tom: Ewww! God I hope not, that's *sick*! >as he was jacking Mike: ...up his fee in the hope that he'd never have to star in another bad lemon. >on his dick as he watched them fuck. Tom (Darien, falsetto): *squish* Uh-oh, I squeezed too hard... Mike: (turns green) I think I'm gonna be sick... >Malachite withdrew from her pussy and whiped up some Tom: ...cafe au lait, from real Negaversian coffee beans! >of the cum. Crow: Pleeeeeease... Mike: Well, alright. Just this once... Crow (Malachite): This'll make a great... "cocktail"... All: (groan) Crow (Malachite): Oh, and say, do you guys wanna defect? If you do, I'll give you access to some of my more... personal equipment. And, you know, that bed has certain... hidden features... Mike: Okay, enough already! I knew I shouldn't have let you do that... >He pulled it to his mouth and tasted all three of the cum mixed in one. Aaaaand, that's it! Ruri: I like the stirring, exciting climax. (Crow opens his mouth) Don't even try. Crow: Humph. You're no fun. Mike: Yeah, well, let's get outta here. Tom: Amen and amen... (all exeunt) [Insert reversed door sequence here. -B] "You know," Mike said, "today's fanfic has made me realize that size really does matter!" "Really?" Tom Servo asked in surprise. "Yeah, really!" Mike replied, "I mean, not even the ads for Godzilla convinced me! But, realistically, if a guy, albeit an alien one, can be that proud of having an unusually large, you know... thing, then I'm sure people everywhere who have oversized body parts should be extremely *proud* of that fact!" Crow nodded, "Yes, if someone had, for example, a six inch thumb, I think he'd be the pride of the neighbourhood!" Ruri nodded, "I once knew someone who had unusually large toes. He was always mourning that he was a freak of nature, but now I realize that he shouldn't hid from that fact, he should have been proud of it." "Oh, do I ever envy him!", Tom exclaimed "And, man, how about that Pinnochio! Why, he must have been the best man in all Italy!" "Say, d'you guys remeber Torgo?" Crow suddenly asked, "because I think I *finally* understand those knees of his! I think he was supposed to be the romantic lead of the movie! I think the director was trying to make him a hearthrob, the next Tom Cruise!" Mike nodded, "Yeah, I'm suddenly starting to really regret being so *normal*! I mean, I wish I had, say, really big pinkies! Or maybe huge, flapping, Dumboesque ears! Or, I know! I wish I had a foot long eyebrow. Just one, that's all I ask! Not even a mathcing pair, just *one*!" "Yes," said Ruri, "I can see how that would make you happy. It would sure as hell make every human being alive jealous of you." "Yeah..." Crow nodded, "Heck, if you had *that*, I might even be able to find a little bit of respect for you!" he paused for a second to consider his words. "Well, okay, actually I wouldn't but..." "Oh, Crow, you're all heart!" Mike said, "Oh, Lois and Clark are calling!" * * * "Hello, boobies!" Dr. Forrester said hatefully. "I'm glad to see that we're enjoying ourselves... Unfortunately, look who's here to break up the party! Cause I wanted to tell all of you that, to quote the old cliche, the worst is yet to come. Because if you thought *that* was bad..." "Hey, Dr. F!" Frank called out as he entered the room. "Ah, Frank!" said Dr. F, turning to his assistant, "What do you want?" "Nothing, Chief!" Frank said, shaking his head, "Your mail's here!" "Oh, thank you, Frank! How're those new stickers going?" Dr. F asked. "Well, they said it would take a couple days..." Frank started. "I guess I'm going to have to wait then... There's no way around it, is there?" Dr. F interjected. "No, sir, I don't..." Frank once again started. "That was a rhetorical question, you idiot." Dr. F snapped at him, "Anyway, let's see what's here. Um... occupant, occupant, gas bill, electric bill, cable, Ed McMahon, ah what's this..." He tore open the envelope he had found and read through it silently. Then he grinned happily, "Oh, mother, you remembered! Remind me to write her a thank you note!" he said to Frank. "Now, what else... occupant, occupant... Hmm. Who do I know in Washington?" Dr. F paused for a moment before shrugging and tearinf open the envelope. "'Doctor Forrester, you are being... What? This can't... A subpoena? A *subpoena*? They can't... I told that fool that my evidence was strictly under the table!" He tossed the offending letter aside and picked up the telephone. "Now, what was that number...? Ah yes! Um..." he turned to Frank, "This is gonna take a while... Push the button, Frank." "Yes, sir, chieferino!" ***Click*** "Now, listen Ken..." Written by: Blazej Szpakowicz. Directed by: Blazej S. Edited by: B. Szpakowicz. Produced by: B. Starring: Michael J. Nelson as Mike Nelson Kevin Murphy as the voice of Tom Servo Trace Beaulieu as the voice of Crow Omi Minami as Ruri Hoshino With Special Villains: Trace Beaulieu as Dr. Clayton Forrester Frank Conniff as TV's Frank Keep circulating the fics! * * * Thanks go to lotsa people for lotsa stuff, and especially to Timmy Mac for archiving this, to the owners of the series that either I or CATS have "borrowed" from, to Best Brains, inc. for MST3k and, finally, to CATS for writing this fic and giving me so many riffing opportunities. If y'all have any comments, feel free to e-mail me at zek@csi.uottawa.ca. Hopefully, some of them will actually get through... :P Next up should probably be (in collaboration with Jamie Jeans, aka JOLT!!! and Hakan Svensson aka KungFuFooey) X-Raider, an insipid little X-Files/Tomb Raider crossover. Never mind that the two mix like oil and water... Until then! >Tuxedo Mask laughed and pointed to his dick. "That's not even close >to the size of my dick" he said.