In the not-to-distant future, next Monday maybe. There was a guy named Ranma, who was quite upset to see, the awful lemons rampant, on the 'net. So he and Nabiki made a bet. He would get his friends, And make some calls, And with a pan-Anime alliance he would MST them all! (Ranma's voice, to fleeing lemon writers) We'll!!! Get!!! YOUUUU!!! Ranma (holding a printout): We'll tackle sour lemons. A-Ko (also holding a printout): The worst she can find. Both: La-la-la! Iczer-One: We'll have fun riffing on them all, and she'll monitor our minds. Usagi and Mamoru: La-la-la! Ranma: Now keep in mind that if none of us, at all go insane. Then Nabiki's pocket book, will feel some real, PAIN! (VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR) AAARGH!!! Role call! Genma! (Hrrmf!) Ranma! (Chestnuts roasting...!) Akane! (HENTAIII!!!) Shampoo! (Ya-ta!) Usagi! (We'll punish them!) Rei! (Roasty toasty!) Ami! (Let's look at this logically...) Makoto! (He's just like my old boyfriend!) Minako! (Hey! These are better than my romance novels!) Mamoru! (A rose is a rose!) A-Ko! (HYAH!) B-Ko! (Where are my Mecha designs?) C-Ko! (WAAAAHHH!!!) Iczer-one! (Check me out!) ETC!!! (Bunches of other Anime characters cram into the screen) If you're wondering where Sheridan is, and other assorted facts, (La-la-la!) Remember "This is just Morden's Lemon Squad, I should really just relax!" For Mystery Lemon Theater, 3.0 X 10^3!!! Door 1: It's a lemon orchard. Ranma picks a dozen lemons and make lemonade out of them. Door 2: It's a Chibi-Usa lemon MSTing. Everyone pukes and continues. Door 3: It's a tentacle monster. Mamoru throws a dozen roses in it an it dies. Door 4: It's some fake Senshi in the middle of an orgy. The real Senshi chase the facsimiles away. Door 5: It's one of B-Ko's Mechas. A-Ko beats it up. Door 6: It's a Megane 6.7 MSTing. Everyone reads it, and falls over laughing before continuing. [Exit to courtyard] Ranma stood proudly in front of the Anime Alliance Against Really Gross HENTAIII!!! (AAARGH!!!) which he created in response to Nabiki's wager that he couldn't possibly put together a mental force strong enough to handle the lemons found on the 'net. Well, he was about to prove her wrong. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first gathering of AAARGH!!! Let's begin with roll." He went down the list, from Akane to Usagi. Upon reaching the bottom of what he thought to be the complete list, he ran across more than a dozen new names, un-alphabetized, as though added at the last minute or as an afterthought. The title of the second portion of the list read "Various Characters From the Anime Anthology Robot Carnival," and proceeded with what could be better called character descriptions rather than names. "Girl From Starlight Angel #1...what the hey?!?" Ranma noticed the rest of the people at the gathering. These people were in such sharp contrast to what HE knew as the total composition of AAARGH!!!. THESE people consisted of two girls apparently having a conversation with each other, except they were making no noise whatsoever, a robot that shifted from robotic to human form for no apparent reason, a spikey-haired robot that walked back and forth dejectedly, a family in a wooden mecha, and an angry scientist who was kicking at the mecha's foot, a VERY old scientist who had a HUGE robot which was mimicking his actions, (fortunately, the meeting was being carried out in an open-air, and above all, VERY large courtyard) a robot that flew around making odd noises that no could could quite understand, so mething like thousands of rubber duckies dying in quick succession, Ranma supposed. "Uh...A-ko, Usagi, dad, Mamoru could you come over here please...?" Ranma asked, leading the group off to the side. "Okay, who in the HELL recruited THAT crew???" Ranma demanded. No one answered. "Then how did they know about us?" Ranma asked. "Well, they're on the list, and they're here, so maybe they've got something," Genma sugguested. "Yeah, right!" Ranma snorted. "Look, some of those guys can't even TALK, let alone riff lemons! You see those girls? They're having a full-blown conversation, without making any noise! How are they doing that?" Mamoru demanded. "They speak on a higher frequency than we can hear?" A-Ko sugguested. "Well, let's give them a shot. All in favor?" Genma asked. Usagi, A-Ko, and Genma raised their hands. "It's settled then. They're in the alliance," Genma concluded. "NANI?!?" Ranma and Mamoru shouted. Ranma, grumbling, returned to the podium and finished calling off the roll. "Girl From Starlight Angel #1...how about we call you GFSA#1?" Ranma asked without looking up. The girl gave a soundless protest. "No objections? Okay. GFSA#2? Check. Cloud?" Ranma looked up. "Hey! I didn't talk to anyone from Final Fantasy VII!" The dejected-looking robot looked up. "Oh. It's you. Well, we'll call you 'Dejected-Looking Robot.' Any objections?" Dejected-Looking Robot shrugged. "Okay. Check. Family In Wooden Mecha With The Angry Defeated Scientist? Check. Really Old Scientist With The Mecha That Just Copies His Actions And Ends Up Killing Him At The End Of The Sketch...nani?!?" Ranma looked up. The huge robot had already fallen on Really Old Scientist. Ranma uneasily crossed the name off. "Robot From 'Nightmare?'" The weird flying and squeaking robot started with a series of the strange robotic dying rubber duckies, apparently acknowledging Ranma's appellation. "How about we call you 'Squeaky?'" Ranma asked. Robot From 'Nightmare''s squeaking reached a fever-pitch as he opposed the name change. "No objections? My, aren't we an agreeable bunch? Squeaky, check. And, Pointlessly Form-Changing Robot, Check. Well, we're all here." He glanced at the fallen mecha. "More or less." A light flashed on Ranma's podium. "Well, if that isn't Nabiki?" Ranma said, looking at the light. He touched it, and a hologramatic image of Nabiki appeared overhead. "Hello, lab rats," Nabiki greeted her test subjects. "Do you like my little additions to your allinace, Ranma?" "So YOU'RE the one behind this," Ranma growled. "I should have suspected as much. And as for your question, no, I DON'T like them. Anything else, hindness?" "Nope. You know the terms of out bet..." Nabiki began. "Yeah, yeah," Ranma cut in. "Four riffers max at a time, we MST lemons, and everyone out here who doesn't go insane gets a hundred thousand yen, and if I go nuts, all bets are off. By the way, Nabiki, what do you stand to gain from this?" "Well, Ranma, you HAVE been behind on your debts to me lately, so I figured what I can't collect in cash, I'll collect with your sanity." Nabiki said with an evil grin. "Question," Mamoru cut in. "Just how many lemons do we have to riff?" "Oh, only as many as are on the net," Nabiki shrugged. "NANI?!?" everyone shouted. "Oh, yes, Ranma. Remember, 'and with a pan-Anime alliance I will MST them all.' Those are your exact words, are they not?" Nabiki asked. "Yes," Ranma admitted. Everyone gave Ranma an icy stare. "Well," Nabiki said, breaking the tension, "I've decided to start you off easy. It's a not-so-sour lemon entitled 'Love Energy,' by none other than the famous Sailor Mac. Enjoy!" Sirens go off in the courtyard and the light on the podium flashed. "Guys, we've go Lemon SIIIIIGN!" Ranma shouted. Door 6: It's a Megane 6.7 MSTing. Everyone reads it, and falls over laughing before continuing. Door 5: It's one of B-Ko's Mechas. A-Ko beats it up. Door 4: It's some fake Senshi in an orgy. The real Senshi chase the facsimiles away. Door 3: It's a tentacle monster. Iczer-One blows it away with her gun. Door 2: It's Robert Tsunai. Everyone screams in horror and runs past him. Door 1: It's a lemon orchard. Ranma picks a dozen lemons and make lemonade out of them. [Theater. Enter Ranma, Genma, GFSA #1 and GFSA #2.] Ranma: I really don't see what good those two are going to do us, dad. I mean, they can't even talk! Genma: Patience, son. We're trying to weed these extras out before using our main forces. >LOVE ENERGY >A Sailor Moon Lemon >by Sailor Mac > Negaverse General Hematite sat in the main throne room of the palace that had once been Queen Beryl's, brooding. Ranma: Then, the brooding general accompanied by many people running down from the grass-green hill... Genma: This isn't a translation of the Aeneid, son. > They had come so close. So close to restoring the rule of the Dark Kingdom. GFSA #1: [Riffs] > Wotite had guaranteed them that attacking the Olympic Games would give them enough energy to take over the Universe. Victory was within their grasp-at last, they would succeed where Beryl had failed. > Then those Sailor brats had to ruin everything. Again. Genma (Scooby-Doo bad guy): And I would have gotten away with it too! > Not this time, you little twerps, Hematite thought. You may have done in Wotite, but you won't be able to stop me. I know of an energy pool so rich, Ranma (Hematite): That not even Bill Gates can buy it! >so unstoppable, that I will be able to collect enough energy to take over GFSA #2: [Riffs] GFSA #1: [Laughs, silently] Ranma: Dad, those two scare me! Genma: They scare me too, son, but riff the fic. >the universe in no time. > He summoned his minions. "I want you to go to Earth and start collecting the sexual energy of humans who are in love. . ." Genma: Well, whadayaknow! A GOOD Negaverse plot! GFSA #2: [Says something to Genma and silently giggles] Ranma: See?!? >* * * Ranma: Insert star-line joke here. > "What's with Miss Haruna today?" Molly whispered to Serena. > Serena, who had been daydreaming about being a world-class figure skater again, snapped back to reality Genma: TWANG! Ranma: Serena a world-class skater? You must be joking. >at the sound of Molly's voice. "Huh-what?" > "Miss Haruna! Yesterday, she was all bouncy and happy because she GFSA #1: [Riffs] GFSA #2: [Silently laughs at something uproariously funny, her arms flailing about in mirth. She accidentally slaps Ranma in the face.] Ranma: [Fumes] Okay, that's it! [Picks up GFSA #1 and throws her bodily out of the theater. He does the same thing to GFSA #2, and walks back to his seat, dusting off his hands.] >was going out with that new boyfriend of hers. Today, she can hardly keep awake!" Genma: Either she's the first victim of the Negaverse, or... >Serena looked at her teacher, whose head bobbed up and down as she woke, doze, and woke up again. Genma (Haruna): Oh, my job is so boring...zzz.... > Looks like the date went *real* well, Ranma: A little TOO well, maybye. >Serena thought. But even if it did, she wouldn't be *that* tired. I don't doze off like that even after Darien and I have been. . . > "Maybe she's sick?" Genma: Much like ourselves! > "She's not coughing or sneezing or anything like that." > "Oh, let's try to stop figuring out what it might be. Let's just enjoy not having to do work!" Ranma: Look at how lazy the children are! Behold the decay of Western Civilization! Genma: Ranma, Western Civilization has been decaying since it's creation. Ranma: Eh? Genma: The Romans didn't read as well as the Greeks did, the Elizabethians didn't read as well as the Romans, and we read NOWHERE as well as the Elizabethians. Make a graph. Ranma: Whatever, Dad. >* * * >Raye was just getting started on her chores for the day when the Makunas Genma: Makuna Hatata! Ranma: What a wonderful phra...dad, I think it's "Hakuna Matata." Genma: Shut up, boy. >entered the temple. The young couple had been married there just a month before, Genma: As they came rapping at my chamber door! Ranma: [Imitates a trumpet with a wa-wa mute] >and Raye had helped her grandfather with the ceremony. They had >looked so vibrant and happy that day. . . Genma [Scotty]: The ship canna take much more vibrations sir! She's gonna blow! Ranma [singing]: I'm pickin' up good vibrations... > They looked the polar opposite of vibrant today. Genma [growls]: That's "diametric opposite." Ranma: Dad, don't nitpick. > She watched the sickly couple approach the altar, and could not help overhearing the prayers they muttered. . . "Please, heal us of whatever is wrong with us. . . Genma [Couple ala "Monty Python"]: Because we're not quite dead yet! >the doctors have no idea how to help. . .we've been so weak, so sick these last few days. . ." Ranma [Shinto gods]: Oh, whine, whine, whine! That's all you humans ever do! >Oh, Gods, Raye thought, please, not again. Ranma [Raye]: I've skipped a period! >When are they going to give up? Have they got an inexhaustible supply of generals and goons? Genma: In a word...yes. >I thought that Nagano would be the end of it. . . Ranma: Hey, dad, did YOU hear anything about an attack at the Olympics at Nagano? Genma: Nope. >She knew what she had to do. She went into the room with the sacred fire. Ranma [Beavis]: FIRE! Heh! Heh! >* * * Genma: "Three stars!" raves some guy at some radio station which we have never heard of! > Amy got home from school, made herself a sandwich, and picked up the phone to check in with her mother before starting her studies. > "Hi, Mom. How's things been today at the hospital?" Ranma [Amy's Mom]: Just great! Except for the Negaverse monsters, of course... > "Bedlam. There's been people flooding in all day, complaining of being weak. Ranma [singing]: IIIIIII get weak when you're next to me! >Mostly young couples. It's the damnedest thing-nobody can find any >solid medical cause for it." Genma [Amy]: Perhaps you should look for a liquid or gaseous cause? > Amy found herself pulling her communicator out of her bag and putting it >on the table. She had a feeling she'd be hearing it go off very soon. Ranma [Amy's Communicator]: Hey! Stupid! When was the last time you put some new batteries in me? Huh? And you've been working me too much lateley, you know that? Why, I oughta... Genma: Ranma, what the hell is that? Ranma: It's Amy's Communicator going off. Genma: No, son. That's Amy's Communicator MOUTHING off. >* * * > Darien unpacked the grocery bags, putting the steak and potatoes Genma: Yep, that Darien is a real meat-and-potatoes kind of guy. >and salad greens on the table. Ranma: Aww, isn't it cute? Salad greens for his little rabbit. Genma: Although she might appreciate the romantic allusion to her surname, she probably won't appreciate the dinner itself as much. Ranma: Oh, I can see it. [Darien] Sorry, honey, but money's been a little tight around here recently. >He was cooking dinner for Serena tonight. It was Friday, and she was planning to sleep over, Ranma: Serena and Darien are having a slumber party? Genma: Yes, but without the slumber. >as she so often did on weekends. > Normally, he'd be smiling and humming, full of anticipation for the night ahead. But now, he felt uneasy. *Very* uneasy. Genma: It was as though he was in a bad lemon fic. > He heard his door buzzer, and pushed the intercom. "Serena?" Ranma (Serena): No, the boogyman, dumbass. Of COURSE it's me! > "It's me, Muffin! Ready or not, here I come!" Ranma: Sailor Mac is starting the lemon scene early. > "Come right up, baby. I'm just starting dinner. . ." > Her trademark knock sounded on the door Genma (Serena): Shave and a hair...dang, how did the rest of that go? >a short time later. He opened the door, fully expecting her to fling herself at him. Genma: But much to his surprise, she threw a grenade at him instead. >She met his expectations. > "Oooh, I'm so glad to see you, Muffin!" She brought her mouth to his, and they kissed tenderly. "I haven't seen you since. . .Sunday, wasn't it?" Ranma: Hey! If Odysseus can go without seeing his wife for twenty years, I'm sure you can go for a week without seeing your boyfriend! > "Yes. I'm sorry, Meatball Head, but I've been busy with midterms and. . ." Ranma [Darien]: ...my other girlfriend...oh crap. > "It doesn't matter-I've got you all to myself now." She kissed him again. Genma: Doesn't seem to bother her much, son. >Why was he feeling that dread rising in the pit of his stomach. . . > "Have a seat," he said. "I'm going to make the salad and put on the steak and potatoes." Ranma: Uh, Darien, steak and potatoes are NOT to be worn as clothing. > They chatted about school and their friends as he worked in the kitchen and she sat on the living room couch, channel-surfing Ranma [Usagi]: Woohoo! Shoot the curl! >as they called back and forth to each other. Genma: ...ringing up Darien's phone bill. >When she reported Miss Haruna's mysterious illness, Genma [Usagi/soldier] We encountered Miss Haruka with a disease of unknown cause and origin, SIR! >he got that sick feeling of dread again. Ranma: He couldn't shake that "bad lemonfic" feeling. Genma: Lemon scene in five...four...three...two... > Finally, he was able to join her on the couch. Genma: ...one. >He put his arms around her and pulled her close to his chest, his lips touching her neck, then her chin, then her mouth. "Did you get more beautiful since I saw you last?" he asked. > "Flattery will get you Genma [Serena]: A kick to the head! I HATE it when guys are fake! >everywhere." Genma: Crap. >She pulled his head to hers, and they kissed, hard, deep and wet. He slid his hands under her blouse, touching Ranma: ...the knife that Serena was carrying! He drew back in shock, but Serena already had the knife in her hand and was descending upon him with the knife... Genma: Wishful thinking, son. We aren't even half way through. >her bare stomach, moving up toward her breasts. . . Genma: You taking notes, son? Ranma: DAD!!! > And then, the report came from the TV, which was tuned to a local >station's news broadcast. Ranma: Okay, so they make out while watching the news. Mmm-hm. > "A mysterious illness has been sweeping the city, an illness which is being called the sexual flu. Genma [reporter]: ...because we have to get as many sex refs into this fic as possible! >Area hospitals report an influx of young adult patients, all of whom claim that they began feeling weak and sickly after making love. . ." Ranma [Reporter]: Experts fear the presence of a lemon fic, and studies are underway. > Their heads broke apart and snapped toward the TV. Genma [Darien]: Hmm...young lovers...that would be us, wouldn't it? > "Doctors have not been able to find any organic cause for the mysterious illnesses. . ." > "Oh, Gods," Darien said, "it *is* them." Ranma: Since when does the entire cast of Sailor Moon consist of either 1) polytheists or 2) really big fans of the Classics? Genma: Son, to cure Deep Hurting, stop thinking about the fic. > "What?" > "I've been getting vibes Ranma: She sure has! Genma: Ranma! At least TRY to keep your riffs above the lemon level. >. . .Negaverse vibes. . ." At that moment, >Serena's communicator beeped. Genma: It said a naughty word. Ranma [Serena's Communicator]: You stupid *beep* why I oughta *beeeeeeeeeep* Genma: That was a test of the emergency broadcast system, I assume? Ranma: Hey! Riff the fic, not me! >"And, apparently, so has someone else." > Serena picked up the communicator, to see Raye's face displayed. "We have to meet at the temple," she said. Ranma [Raye]: Someone signed us up for YET ANOTHER lemon... >"Something's up, big-time." > "I'm on my way," said Serena. Genma: Hey! She's a Starfleet officer! >She turned to Darien. "You might as well come along for this one. . . you can tell them about your vibes." Ranma: More double entendre than you can shake a stick at! >* * * > "They're feeding off the sexual vibrations of people in love," Raye reported to the others. "The Negaverse is under the command of a general named Hematite now. Genma: I wonder what happens when the Negaverse runs out of rocks to name their generals after. >He not only wants to take over the world, he wants to >avenge Wotite. He's *very* dangerous." Ranma [Belgarath]: I'm very dangerous too, you know. Genma: Great. Eddings references. Why me? > "So how are we going to know who they're going to strike next?" said Mina. > "They can read love vibes," said Raye. Genma [Raye]: Oh, and Happosai is working for them too. >"If they detect that a young couple is about to have a romantic evening. . ." > Serena leaned over and whispered in Darien's ear, "Good thing we heard that news report, or we would have been Negabait!" Ranma: I sense an upcoming over-usage of the prefix "Nega-"! Genma: Nega- (prefix) Of, or having to do with the Negaverse. > "We all have to keep our eyes and ears peeled," Ranma: Now that's GOTTA hurt! Genma: Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears... >said Raye, "and I'll be keeping my psychic channels open. Genma: Oh no. Now Raye's into those "telephone psychic" things. >On a Friday night, they're going to have plenty of opportunities to strike. . ." > And we'd better get rid of those Negacreeps Ranma: Okay, I'm going to keep count! >fast, Serena thought. I don't want *my* romantic evening ruined! >* * * > As it turned out, they didn't have to wait very long for the Negaverse to strike. Ranma: Good! I want out of this theater as quickly as possible! > Serena and Darien had gone back to his apartment to have their dinner. >They were about halfway through when her communicator beeped again. > "There's some kind of Negathings outside my apartment building!" said Lita. "I think they're after the couple who live next door to me. . ." Genma: What? Is Lita turning into Happosai on us? > "We're on our way!" said Serena. She closed the communicator and jumped up. "I'll get a headstart. . .you get ready to come in as backup." Ranma [Serena]: Once I didn't have a backup, and lost my entire hard disk! > "Aye aye, captain!" he said. Genma: Since when was Spock involved in this?!? > When she arrived at the apartment, she found Lita and Amy trying to take on a group of silvery things that looked half-humanoid, half->living plant Ranma: I believe Lennier said it best. "Nope! Can't wrap my head around it!" >-and getting their butts kicked. >Each of the girls was wrapped in a vinelike appendage. > Time to take out the Negatrash, Serena thought. . . Ranma: Into the Negatrashcan so that the Negatrash Collector can put it in the Negagarbage Truck and take it to the Negacity dump so that it can decompose into the Negasoil and be taken back up by the Negaplants! Genma: > She hopped up on a car roof, where she knew she'd be seen, just as one of the creatures was growling, "We might as well take your energy, too!" Ranma [Serena]: Come and get it, Negacreep made by the Negabadguy with Negaenergy... Genma: Okay, that's enough, boy. > "That's what you think, Negacreep!" Serena shouted. "I'm Sailor Moon! Genma [Sailor Moon]: And I'm an alcoholic. >Champion of love! In the name of the moon, I will triumph over jerks who come between loving couples! And that means you! In the name of the moon, I'll punish you!" Ranma: Well that's new. Both the right and the wrong translations of Sailor Moon's rant. >She took off her tiara and started to go into her spin-only Genma: Because heat damages the fabric. >to be knocked off the car by one of the vinelike growths. She >shrieked as she saw the pavement rushing up to meet her head, Ranma and Genma: YES! YES! >but someone caught her before she hit the ground. Ranma and Genma: Awww.... > "Sailor Mars!" she said. > "I think it's going to take a combined attack to get rid of these guys, don't you?" said Raye. Genma: That's the answer to everything nowadays, isn't it? COMBINED ATTACKS! I remember when you couldn't take down a single bad guy with one shot, you actually had to fight! Why... Ranma: Okay, dad, get with the '90s. We use those now. And so do they. Genma: > "You're on," Serena replied. > "Count me in, too!" called Mina's voice behind them. They prepared to each launch their specialty- Ranma: Beef tri-tip? Genma: This is Mina and Serena we're talking about here. Maybe grilled-cheese, at best. > "Moon tiara. . ." > "Mars fire. . ." > "Venus crescent beam. . ." Ranma: Chestnuts roasting.... Genma: Ranma! Don't! > But three more vines shot out and grabbed them before they could complete the attacks. They struggled and struggled. . . Ranma: No! No rape scenes! Chestnuts roasting... Genma: Stop it you fool! You expect a rape scene from Sailor Mac? Ranma: Uh...no... > And then, the rose landed on the pavement in front of the creatures. It startled them enough so that they relaxed their grip on the girls. Genma: See? > "How dare you prey on the feelings of young lovers?" called a male voice above them. Ranma [Monster]: I'm going to explain neither the philosophy nor the metaphysics involved, so CAN IT, TUXBOY! >"Only the lowest form of creature would feed off the highest of >human emotions! Tuxedo Mask will never forgive you!" Genma [Tuxedo Mask]: He also speaks in the third person! > The blowhard speech Genma: DON'T. >served its purpose-it distracted the creatures long >enough for the girls to wriggle free and launch their attacks. > "Mercury bubbles. . .blast!" Amy spread fog about the creatures, confusing Ranma: ...the scouts, giving the monster a chance to kill them all! [Zoicite] Ah! Ha-hahahahaha!!! Genma: You know you've done too many dark riffs when you start laughing like Zoicite. >them and leaving them vulnerable to what was coming next. Serena and Raye Ranma: Died slow horrible deaths, the end. >launched their combined attack to get rid of half the creatures, and >Mina and Lita combined their powers to get rid of two more. Darien got rid of the remainder by spearing them with dagger-like roses. Ranma: Was that an actual battle scene, or just the Cliff's notes? Genma: I don't think fanfics warrant Cliff's notes, son. > Serena and Lita high-fived each other. "Totally dusted!" they yelled in unison. Ranma: Sailor Scouts- advocates of crop dusting and other practices harmful to Mother Earth. Genma: Save it for the Captain Planet fics, son. Ranma: Captain Planet LEMONS?!? Genma: Probably not. Well... Ranma: I do NOT want to think about that! > Darien hopped down from the low rooftop he'd been standing on. "Only the lowest form of creature would feed off the highest of human emotions?" Raye said. Ranma [Tuxedo Mask]: I know you are, but what am I? Pbbb!!! >"Where the hell did *that* come from, Tux Boy?" Genma [Raye]: I've pulled better speeches from under the sink! > "Hey, sometimes I surprise even myself." Ranma: Yeah, with your utterly pathetic speeches! > "What're you trying to do, make the Negacreeps *barf*?" Ranma: Well, it might make the audience barf! > He laughed. "What kind of vibes are you getting?" > "Calm. I think Hematite's backing off. . .for now." Genma: Double Entendre Theater Three Million. > "Same here." > "But we've definitely not seen the last of him. He'll lay low for awhile, then he'll be back, trying a different tactic. . ." Ranma: Hey, at least ONE of them has the intelligence to identify patters! Genma: Uh...which one? Ranma: Amy. See? Genma: No, actually, I don't. Ranma: Well, the speaker is clearly indicated...or not. Genma: Mmm-hmm. Ranma [Slingblade]: Mmm-hmm. Genma: Hey! Ranma: Now we're even. > "Just like every other Negacreep we've ever been up against." > She sighed. "It never ends, does it?" Ranma: The Neverending Story L! Coming soon to a theater near you! Genma: Fifty, Ranma? Ranma: Ehh, there's no telling how long some of those stupid American movies will run. Genma: You've got enough movies yourself, you know. Not all of them good. Ranma: Well...so do you! Genma: Yeah, but who is the series named for? Therefore, it's your fault. Ranma: Whoa, whoa! Anime characters don't get to reject rolls like live-action actors do! Genma: So? Ranma: Now you're just being childish. Genma: Shut up, boy. > "Oh, I have a feeling that someday it will. Someday. . .but Gods only know when." Ranma [Zeus et al.]: No we don't! We're just watching to see how long you stupid humans will fight over a chunk of rock! >* * * Genma: Two snowflakes is a flurry, three is a blizzard. > Hematite paced like a caged animal. Damn those Sailor brats! Genma [Satan]: Already done. Anything else, Hematite? >How did they catch on so fast? He thought he'd have weeks and weeks of draining energy from lovers. . . Ranma: So now he has to fire Happosai? Genma: Sure looks that way. > "Do they have a GOD feeding them information?" he raged. Ranma [Apollo]: Oh, you'd be surprised, Negatrash. > It was time to think of a new plan, a foolproof plan. Ranma: Wasn't the last plan foolproof? Genma: And the one before that? >Then, he'd be back. . . Genma: Nah, too easy! >* * * > Serena and Darien arrived back at his apartment house. "Well, my sweet, it's time to pick up where we left off. . ." He raised his arm, Genma: ...in a Nazi salute, and some Germans came and beat him up. >preparing to go into the de-transformation process. > She caught his arm and shook her head. "What is it?" he said. > A slow smile spread over her face. "I was just thinking. . .that in all this time. . .I've never made love to Tuxedo Mask." Genma [Imiatates a red alert siren]: VRRT! VRRT! VRRT! Lemon scene approaching! Man your battlestations! Ranma: Yessir! > He caught her in his arms and kissed her. "What a coincidence. . . >I've never made love to Sailor Moon." Ranma: Naw, ya think? > "Well, then. . .what are we waiting for?" Genma [Asian guy from UHF]: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. STUPID! YOU SOOOOOO STUPID! AND SO ARE YOU!!! Ranma: NANI?!? Genma: You're the ninny who got us AND over half of the Anime Multiverse involved in this ridiculous AAARGH!!! alliance with the impossible task of MSTing every lemon on the net! > He picked her up in his arms. In this form, they didn't have to travel by elevator. He gave a super-leap, landed on a balcony, leaped again, landed on another balcony, then finally leaped onto his own. Ranma [Tuxedo Mask]: I knew Reeny's trampoline would come in handy sometime! Genma [little kid]: MOMMY! SAILOR MOON AND TUXEDO MASK ARE ON THE BALCONY AGAIN! >He set her down and pushed the sliding glass door open, and they walked into his apartment. > He lit the candles on his mantel, put some soft, romantic music on the stereo, and took her in his arms. "Sailor Moon. . .before we do this, I have to warn you. . .I have no idea what the result of us making love in this form will be." Ranma: Take my advice! If you don't know what will happen, and it sounds stupid, don't do it! > She smiled wickedly. "Oh, I know what the result will be." > "Other than that, silly little minx. We'll both be releasing huge bursts of magical energy when we climax. . ." Ranma: [Tuxedo Mask]: Possibly ripping a hole in the fabric of spacetime, but who needs the spacetime continuum anyhoo? > "Oooh, I like the sound of that!" She pulled him closer, and their mouths melded. He gave up trying to explain, and gave in to pure sensation. Genma: Of raw electricity as someone zapped him with a tazer! Ranma: I don't like that phrase, "gave in to pure sensation." > It didn't take long for her to realize that the hat and mask were in her way. She wanted to tangle her fingers in his hair, to press her lips all over his face. . . Genma [Monty Python]: Get on with it! Ranma: This is going to be a LOOONG lemon scene. >She pulled them off and tossed them aside, raining soft >kisses on his brow, temples, nose, cheeks. . . "Mmmm," he said. "It's >getting real warm in here, sweetheart. . ." Ranma: Then turn down the thermostat! Ta-dum CRASH! > He brought his lips to hers again, and they kissed deeply, his tongue darting in and out of her mouth, hers tangling with and teasing his. They broke apart, Genma: Into a thousand little pieces and they both died, the end. >staring deeply into each other's eyes, clasping hands, and sank to >their knees on the rug together. Genma: NO, Ranma. >They kissed again, more urgently, his hands beginning to roam her body, feeling the fabric of her sailor uniform Ranma: Polyester and spandex. Whudathunk it? >stretched tightly over each dangerous curve. Genma: And the car went off the cliff. Ranma [Tom Petty]: And I'm freeeeeeeeeee! Free fallin'! > "Oh, baby," he said, Ranma: Wah. Genma [Trumpet with a wa-wa mute]: WAH! WAH! WAAAAAAH! >"I wanted you from the moment I first saw you." Genma [Sailor Moon]: I was fourteen when you first saw me! Darien no HENTAIII!!! >His hands slipped up under her skirt, cupping her buttocks and squeezing. She groaned. Ranma: So did the audience. > "Oh, Tuxedo Mask," she sighed. She felt like she was inside one of her own fantasies, Ranma: Final Fantasy VII. Cloud WOULD be a good person to have in our alliance. And I don't mean Dejected-Looking Robot. Genma: Well, I don't know if Cloud actually qualifies as an Anime character. Ranma: Well, he does have spikey hair. Genma: That's more characteristic of male heroes from Square rather than Anime characters. >the fantasies she used to have when she first met him, before >she knew that Tuxedo Mask was Darien. She reached up to undo his jacket, then vest, then shirt. . . Ranma: Then she got impatient because he was wearing so many layers. > "There's a way to just make my costume disappear, you know," he whispered Genma: Can we make you disappear while we're at it, Tux Boy? > "No. . .I don't want you to take it all the way off. I just want to undo your shirt, so I can see and touch your chest. . .and open your pants, so I can get at your. . .your. . ." > "Say no more." Ranma: Yeah, skip the dialogue so we can get through this scene faster! >He took her hand and kissed it, then led it back to his >chest. She unbuttoned his shirt and unhooked his tie, Genma: ...and sat down to read the paper. >then pushed the fabric aside just enough so she could kiss the broad expanse of his chest, run her hands up and down it, kneading his muscles. Ranma: She's getting ready to bake him like a loaf of bread. >She felt a slight difference in his body from when he was in his "everyday" form. . . Genma: And no wonder, because she realized that this man wasn't Tuxedo Mask at all! >the muscles felt a bit bulkier, a bit tighter, and the scent coming from his body was different as well. . .musk and roses. Ranma: Musk...why always musk? >She licked one of his nipples, marveling that his skin even tasted a bit different. . .different, but still delicious. He moaned as she fluttered her tongue over the flat knot. "Gods, you're making me crazy, Sailor Moon," he said in a husky voice. Genma: If Kasumi has her way, we'll all be crazy before the end of her experiment! Ranma: Musky, husky. Hey, it rhymes! > She wanted to get out of her clothes, but she knew no other way of removing them than to take them off magically-there were no snaps or closures on the bodysuit. Genma: Yet in spite of this, Sailor Mac will indeed find a way to drag out the lemon scene. >Yet she wanted to keep part of the uniform on. . . Ranma: 'Cause it was COLD in there! > She passed her hand over her body, concentrating on making the top part of her clothing disappear. The bodysuit vanished, leaving her body open to him-yet the skirt remained, just enough to give him the tantalizing reminder that he was making love to Sailor Moon, not Serena. Genma: And to remind the audience that this is a "different" type of lemon scene. Ranma: Really. How many ways are there to do a lemon scene? Genma: Barring anything bizarre, one. > As soon as he saw her naked breasts, he felt his body responding. Ranma: He immediately stood up and fled the lemon scene. >He gathered her in his arms and tipped her until she was lying on her back, his lips moving from her mouth down her neck, lingering a bit at the hollow of her throat, then moving down further and further. Her breasts were a bit fuller when she was in this form. . .He brushed his lips over the curve, Genma: But he didn't turn the wheel enough, so he went plummeting to his death over the edge, the end. Ranma: Dad, is this a Sailor Moon lemonfic or an episode of Mr. Bill? Genma: Take your pick, son. Whichever hurts less. Ranma: (Thinks) Tough call. >not kissing, just a feathery touch. Ranma [Serena]: Okay, Tux Boy, you can DITCH the owl wing! >When he encountered her hardened nipple, Genma: He realized that he was making love to a robot simalcrum of Sailor Moon programmed to seduce and then kill him! Ranma [Mr. Bill]: OOOOOOoooooOOOOOooooOOOOO!!! his tongue gently caressed it as she groaned. "Gods, Tuxedo Mask," Genma: [Zeus et al]: Leave us out of this! >she whispered, "you're making me feel so good. . ." Ranma: The audience is another story, however. Got any Pepto Bismol, dad? Genma: Sorry, son. Ranma: Crap. > He took the little bud in his lips, sucking on it, stopping occasionally for his tongue to flick over and over it. He produced a rose at the same time, Ranma: I don't think I want to see this. Genma: Tough! YOU'RE the one who got me and everyone else into this mess! Ranma [Hopefully]: Would this scene warrant a little "Chestnuts Roasting?" Genma: NO! >and began stroking it over the other nipple. She writhed and whimpered, whispering, "Give me more, please. . ." Ranma [Oliver Twist]: Can I have some more, sir? Genma: !!! There is NO valid parallel there, Ranma! > The rose slipped downward, over her belly, then over her skirt, down to her legs, where it began moving upward. . .She spread her legs wide, Ranma: Aha! This means we're nearing the end of the lemon scene! Genma: Don't count on it. Knowing Sailor Mac, we've got a good few paragraphs to go yet. >and he slipped it under her skirt, stroking petals against petals. Genma: First romantic lemons, now POETIC lemons. What's next? Ranma: Inspector Gadget lemons? Genma: (Eyetwitch) No, Ranma... >Her breath caught and she let out a long, low, husky moan as she felt the softness of the flower brushing her womanhood. He pulled it away, and the petals bore traces of her moisture. Genma: > "A rose kissed by the dew," he whispered just before his mouth claimed hers again. Genma: Okay, we've already violated poetry. Anything else? Ranma: (Thinks) Well, he could do Barne... Genma: NO, Ranma. > She stripped off her long gloves, then reached down for his pants, undoing Ranma: Any chance this fic has or had. >the button and zipper, pushing the fabric downward so she could grasp the hardness beneath. Genma: It's a seven on the Moh's Scale. >"Oh!" she cried, when her fingers encountered a male organ a bit different from the one she was used to-a little longer, Ranma: Have we done the "because it was someone else" riffs to death? Genma: Yes. >a little thicker. . .even the shape was not quite the same. "You feel so good," Ranma: Well, I still don't. >she whispered as her fingers stroked and caressed him. Genma: Okay, that could be interpreted in a different way that I am about to, but what the heck. I find it SO belittling when erotica authors refer to a penis as a separate entity. Ranma: Dad, that wasn't really funny. Genma: (Shrugs) It's the mandatory commentary on the genre riff. > He moaned deeply. Ranma: I breathe deeply to keep my irritation under control. >"Oh, Sailor Moon. . ." He was seized with a desire to taste her sweetness. Pulling off his gloves and ifting Genma: We should have a riff for that. Ranma: But we don't? Genma: That's right. >her skirt, he kissed her stomach, his fingers gently probing between her legs. She spread them wide again, and he moved into position, inhaling her woman scent, Genma: Woman Scent, by Kalvin Klein. Ranma: EWWW!!! EWWW!!! EWWW!!! Genma: You done? Ranma: No. EWWW!!! >marveling at the difference-it was heavier, muskier than normal, but still intoxicating. His tongue snaked out, Ranma: How fasssssscinating. Genma: [As though sneezing]: Pun! Punpunpun! >touching her most sensitive flesh. . . Genma: Her whiskers? No, this isn't a Catwoman lemon. >Oh, Gods, she tasted so good! Genma [Zeus et al.]: WE WARNED YOU! Ranma [Mr Bill]: OOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!! >He began licking her eagerly, anxious for more and more of this sweet wine Genma [Red alert siren]: VRRT! VRRT! VRRT! LEMON CLICHÉ! Ranma [Navy ensign] We've got a #7 off the port bow, sir! "In a lemon, men and women drink each other's bodily fluids like it was fountain water." (This lemon cliché compliments of Katone.) >that had his head spinning, sticking his tongue deep within her so he could drink his fill. He kissed her swollen jewel, Genma [Thief from AD&D]: I appraise it! (Rolls dice) Twenty. Crap. >tickling it ever-so-slightly with his tongue, just enough to make >her writhe and cry out. Ranma [Serena]: Let me out of this fic!!! > I want to be inside her, he thought. I want to become one with my only love. . . Ranma [Singing]: There will come a day/sometime... Ow! Dad! Genma: Ranma, have you ever noticed just how tone-deaf you are? Ranma: No. Genma: Well, of course YOU wouldn't notice, BUT THE REST OF US SURE DO! > He stood up, picking her up in his arms, and carried her into the bedroom, her carrying the "dewy" Ranma: Would that be as in "Hewey, Dewey, and Louie?" >rose. Depositing her on the bed, Genma: Along with his checks at the bank. >he reached into the nighttable for protection. > "Tuxedo Mask?" > "Just because we're in this form, my darling, doesn't mean we can't conceive. Ranma: I don't want to conceive of such a lemon. >In fact, we may be *more* likely to conceive this way. . ." > He prepared himself, then embraced her, his mouth and hers coming >together. He rolled on his back so she could straddle him, and she impaled herself bit by bit, Ranma: Hey! It's the Greased Pole torture! Genma: That's sick! Besides which I doubt it anyway. >marveling at how different he felt within her. . . Ranma: OKAY! WE GET IT! IT'S DIFFERENT! GEEZ! > "Tuxedo Mask!" she gasped, just before she gave a huge thrust, a thrust which brought his full length into her. Both of them moaned deeply, savoring the feel of their union, Ranma [Robert Gould Shaw]: For the Union!!! Genma: Mandatory educational riff? Ranma: Yup. >before she began to pump her hips, and he moved with her. His hands came up to her breasts, his thumbs moving in maddening circles over her nipples. Ranma: 'Round and 'round she goes... > "Sailor Moon. . ." he whispered, "I love you." > "I love you, too." > Those were the last coherent words spoken for quite awhile, for as her tempo increased, Genma: From 90 to 110 per minute. >and he stroked and gently squeezed her nipples more and more, speech gave way to moans and cries and gasped half-syllables, Ranma: Yeesh, drained of the intellect for even monosyllabics. >a language of love that spoke volumes. She felt him fill her, leave her, then fill her again, her muscles squeezing him, trying to make him a part of her Ranma: Ugh. X-Files flashback. Ugh ugh ugh. Genma: Eh? Ranma: Don't ask. >forever. . .He felt her envelop him, surround him, consume him, and he >never felt so whole in his life. > As climax approached, he picked up the "dewy" rose and they clasped hands, holding it between them. Oh, my baby, he thought, oh yes, oh Gods, Genma [Zeus]: They just don't learn, do they? >come with me, come with me. . . Ranma [Serena]: ...out of this fic so we don't have to perform like a circus act... >He bucked wildly beneath her, Ranma: RIDE 'EM, COWGIRL! Genma [Unenthusiastically]: Yee-haw. >and suddenly, everything was heat and white light, Genma: As they ripped a huge hole in the spacetime continuum. >and he cried out in triumph, and his cry was answered by her own as she tumbled headfirst into heaven. Ranma [St. Michael]: What the...hey! You're not supposed to be here yet! Genma [Singing]: Sing with me/Sing for the year/Sing for me laugh/And sign for me tear! > And as they reached their peak, something started to happen to the rose. >It mutated, changed, took on a new shape. . . Ranma [Warcraft II peasant]: Wha' is it? > She collapsed atop him, both of them panting, holding each other in shaky >arms. "Oh, Tuxedo Mask," she sighed, "it was even better than my fantasies." Ranma: Your "Rock n' Roll Fantasies?" Heh, heh... > "You're wonderful," he said. "I love you so much. . ." > "I love you too. . ." > It was a few delirious moments before they returned to reality. Genma: And the fabric of the universe repaired itself. >And that's when she saw the thing in the bed next to them. . . Genma: Oh my... Ranma: It's a... > "Hey. . .what's this?" She held up a pure silver, jewel-encrusted dagger, encased in a leather sheath that was decorated with mystical symbols. Both: Plot contrivance! > "What. . .where did that come from?" Genma: From Hammerspace. Ranma: Isn't that Akane's riff? Genma: Yeah, but she isn't here. > "And where's the rose?" Ranma: It's out of the fic, lucky son of a... > Then, suddenly, he realized what had happened. "It's some kind of magical tool. . .I told you that when we came, we'd be releasing large bursts of magical energy. The energy transformed the rose into. . ." Genma [Tuxedo Mask]: ...a plot contrivance! Man, these things are GREAT! We should do this more often. >Suddenly, he saw that she had gone into a trance-like state. "Sailor Moon? Serena?" Ranma: Is that a mantra or something? > She seemed to be staring into eternity. Serena had latent psychic powers, and occasionally, they would kick in and show her things . . . like they had helped him find the golden crystal which matched her silver one. After a moment, she blinked and came back to reality. "It's called the Moon Blade. It's for both blasting Negacreeps and for >healing. Genma: A plot contrivance to explain the plot contrivance. >And it's a very powerful weapon. . .and furthermore, either of use can >use it." Genma [With finality]: Definitely a plot contrivance. Ranma: But dad, there isn't much plot LEFT. What's he going to use it for? Genma [Astonished]: What the...I don't know, Ranma, I just don't know. > "Amazing." Genma: A plot contrivance that isn't used for anything! > She sighed. "We'll probably need it. This new Negaverse general, Hematite >. . .he makes me nervous." Ranma: Uh-oh. I smell sequel-fic. Genma: Crap. > He pulled her close. "We'll beat him. We'll beat him like we beat all the others-Jadeite, Zoicite, Malachite, Beryl, Wotite. . .if we're together, nothing can beat us." Ranma: Just give me a chance! A little "Chestnuts Roasting" Will take care of you quite handily! Genma: Ranma, remember the LAST time you were in a crossover? Ranma: Don't remind me. Genma: Then don't go and ASK to be in one! > She kissed him. "I love you, Tuxedo Mask." > "I love you too, Sailor Moon. And Serena. And Princess." Ranma [Tuxedo Mask] : And Meatballhead. And Dumbell. And Klutz Queen. > They embraced, feeling the energy of their love surround them-a pure, clean and good energy that nobody, not even the Negaverse, would ever be able to take away from them. >AUTHOR'S NOTES: Thanks bunches to everyone who pre-read this story and >offered their input, including Molly, Jeffrey Wizard and (of course) Mark Berger. You people are beautiful. . . Ranma: I'd riff that, but I can't without indirectly insulting a lot of people. >Also, lots of thanks to everyone who's written to me about my work. You're the reason why I do this. Love ya! Ranma: Even us? Gee, thanks Sailor Mac. >Standard Sailor Moon disclaimers apply. These characters ain't mine, I'm just borrowing them for awhile. Genma: And thank goodness for that! The main alliance greeted Ranma and Genma with cheers at the news of their first victory. However, the "Characters from Anime Anthology Robot Carnival" were less pleased. "WWGGRKRRZURRWRP!" Squeaky raged. Dejected-looking robot looked slightly peeved. Pointlessly-Form Changing Robot changed forms rapidly and vehemently. Old Defeated Scientist started kicking the podium instead of the Family's Mecha. And the Family In The Wooden Mecha all gave Ranma an approximation of a dark scowl. "Eh?" Ranma asked. "WWGGRKRRZURRWRP!" Squeaky repeated. "What?" Ranma asked again. "W W G G R K R R Z U R R W R P!" Squeaky said slowly. Ranma looked at Genma, confused. Genma shrugged his shoulders indifferently. GFSA#1 and GFSA#2 silently stormed up to Genma and Ranma, gave them a noiseless tirade, handed Ranma two blank pieces of paper, and stormed away. "What are these?" Ranma asked. "It's their resignations," Usagi explained. I saw them packing to leave." "But the sheet is blank," Ranma insisted. "Maybe it's written in ultraviolet ink," B-Ko suggested. "Not like any of us could read it be that the cases..." Squeaky floated up and snatched the papers from Ranma's hand. "You can read them Squeaky?" Ranma asked. "WZRG!" Squeaky acknowledged. "What do they say?" Ranma inquired. "WKRKNZRNGRGRRMNRWN," Squaky explained helpfully. Unfortunately, Squeaky's explanation didn't make any sense to Ranma. "Uh, Squeaky, could you write it out in the dirt here?" he asked, leading Squeaky away from the main courtyard to a dirt area. Squeaky started scratching in the dirt with a stick. He wrote, "W-K-R-K-N-Z-R-N-G-R-G-R-R-M-N-R-W-N." "Yeah, thanks, Squeaky." He turned back to the main courtyard and shouted, "Dad, Usagi, Mamoru, A-Ko, I want to see you over here please!" He turned back to Squeaky. "That's your queue to amscre," he said. Squeaky floated off. Genma, Usagi, Mamoru and A-Ko joined Ranma. "Okay, now how do we get these losers out of our alliance?" Ranma asked, convinced that these new characters are and would ever be nothing but dead weight. The other de facto leaders agreed. "We can only do it by a unanimous vote, or by them going insane," Genma said. "Great. Just bloody great." Ranma lamented. He happened to glance back at the podium and saw the light flashing. He walked over and pressed the button. A picture of a very pissed off Nabiki appeared. "Ranma, you're SUPPOSED to keep everyone there MSTing fics until they go insane or you 'riff them all.' So why are three names already crossed off your list!" "One of them died, and two of them left while I was in the theater," Ranma explained. "Not good enough, Ranma. You HAVE to keep them all there. It's in the agreement." Nabiki insisted. "Look, Nabiki! I chose these people to help me because I knew that they WOULD be willing to stay with me to the end! I left out people like Kuno, Chibi-Usa, Naru, and Kasumi because I know that they would just walk out! These are hand-picked minds here! You just dipped your hand into the grab-bag of the Multiverse and tossed me whatever you happened to pull out before even looking at it!" "Actually, Ranma, I did check these people out very well, and I handed you the flakiest characters I could find." "Nani?!?" Ranma exclaimed. "Why of course! In the agreement, you empowered me to," she held up a paper. " '...find a means to enforce MSTing should members of AAARGH!!! start walking out.' " Now it was not just the extras that were angry. "Have a nice day, Ranma!" Nabiki said sweetly before disappearing. "This is the beginning of a long, arduous, relationship," he said, with over twenty pairs of eyes glaring at him. Stinger: >"Only the lowest form of creature would feed off the highest of >human emotions! Tuxedo Mask will never forgive you!"