MYSTERY CHAOS THEATER 3000 by Dallbun Episode 6: not sure of a title yet Original fanfic by silvercrystal023 Visit the website: http://aglick.web.wesleyan.edu/Dallbun/ All referenced works the property of their respective rights-holders. Mystery Science Theater 3000 the property of Best Brains. Spoilers contained for Bishojo Senshi Sailormoon, particularly the fifth season, Sailor Stars (Though the continuity used in this MSTing is a mish-mash of the manga, anime, and musicals). ----- In the not too distant future Somewhere in time and space Galaxia's Sailor Animamates Are caught in a nasty place Destroyed and revived by their cruel ex-boss An evil gal possessed by Chaos From her starry throne, she sees her empire grow And contents herself by punishing her serfs who were too slow! "I'll send them cheesy fanfics, Dug from the Pit of Voles!" (La la la!) "Though I could kill them at a whim I'd rather crush their souls!" (La la la!) Now keep in mind they can't control What Galaxia wants to send (La la la!) They'll try to keep their sanity Though their torture never ends SENSHI ROLE CALL Mouse (Chuu! Rat...) Nyanko (What the f***?) Siren (Yes, I do know Belldandy) Croooow (Wingless=Inferior) If you're wondering when this all takes place Or where some riffs are from (La la la!) We suggest you brace yourself, instead For the fanfic yet to come It's Mystery Chaos Theater 3000 ----- [In some black, featureless void, four phone booths zoom in a single direction, at an indeterminable speed. An ANIMAMATE is inside each one. They are still transformed. CROW is tinkering around with the phone inside her phone booth. SIREN is humming blissfully to herself. MOUSE and NYANKO are bored out of their minds.] ALL: ... [NYANKO begins licking her arm.] MOUSE: Nyanko, that's disgusting! NYANKO: [looking up] What? MOUSE: You're licking yourself! NYANKO: [glancing down] Yeah? MOUSE: So... so... it's disgusting, is all! NYANKO: Are you kidding? It's not nearly as disgusting as letting yourself get all grimy. MOUSE: Yeah, but you're, like, licking that same grime off your own arm! NYANKO: Shut up! Do you see any nice, luxurious baths floating around her in the Transdimensional Void? I didn't think so! So stop it with the idiotic comments! [MOUSE shuts up. NYANKO continues to clean herself.] ALL: ... MOUSE: You're licking yourself. NYANKO: Yes, that was noted. [MOUSE giggles.] NYANKO: [irritated] What? MOUSE: I'm sure that takes a whole lot of physical dexterity. I mean, you must be very flexible. To be able to lick yourself and all. NYANKO: Well, I don't mean to brag, but we cats are fairly agile... MOUSE: [gleefully] Yep, I'll bet you can lick yourself all over. To get yourself completely clean, that is. NYANKO: Well, not everywhere, of course. In some places I need to lick my hand and use it, instead. MOUSE: [grinning like a maniac] Oh, right, yes. I'm sure. I'm sure using your hand works just as well. After it's wet, of course. Though using your tongue would probably be ideal if you could manage it. NYANKO: [annoyed again] Mouse, what in Galaxia's name are you talking about? MOUSE: [innocently] Nothing, nothing. Enjoy licking yourself. NYANKO: [glaring at MOUSE] I will. [Suddenly, the phone booths disappear in flashes of bright light. They reappear on the bridge of GALAXIA's spaceship. The ANIMAMATES are somewhat startled.] CROW: [looking up] Crap. [They all step out of their phone booths, which disappear behind them. GALAXIA'S face appears on the monitor.] GALAXIA: Hello, my usual lot of trash. How are you today? SIREN: Fine, Galaxia-sama! GALAXIA: Well, I'll just have to fix that. CROW: Yeah, yeah. So what have you got for us today, Galaxia? GALAXIA: Oh, you'll see. But first, I want to show you four just how well I'm doing without your incompetant assistance. SIREN: What do you mean, Galaxia-sama? GALAXIA: Well, as you people know, you just can't provide the clarity and leadership required in a bid for galactic domination, and still find the time to do the dirty work yourself. Minions of some kind are always essential. So, I'd like to introduce you all to my latest allies in my ongoing struggle against all freedom and life... CROW: Well, anything's a step up from Sailor Nickel Clefairy. GALAXIA: Hey, I liked Sailor Nickel Clefairy. But in any case, prepare to meet... THE ALLIANCE OF AUTHORS WHO ARE ROLLING OVER IN THEIR GRAVES DUE TO LATER MASSACARING OF THEIR WORKS! NYANKO: Not very fearsome-sounding. MOUSE: Yeah, I think you might want to shorten that title a bit. GALAXIA: Shut up. SIREN: So who's in this group of yours, Galaxia-sama? GALAXIA: I'm glad you asked! [The screen pans left to reveal a group of four shadowy figures. As GALAXIA introduces them, they step forward into the light one by one.] GALAXIA: First, the beloved children's author, Dr. Seuss! SUESS: If you're shoved by a galnuu, Or snilled by a snat, It's still worse to discover The live Cat in the Hat! GALAXIA: Second, the creator of horror beyond human comprehension, H.P Lovecraft! LOVECRAFT: [gibbering] The plushy Cthulhus! The soft tendrils of their blashphemous countenances claw at the depths of my mind! GALAXIA: And, the master of science fiction and general know-it-all, Isaac Asimov! ASIMOV: [cocking a rifle] As we all know from our basic physics courses in high school, pressure signifies a amount of force, divided by the area that force is acting upon. Now, considering the high velocity of the bullets let loose by this gun, and the small area they're working upon, it seems pretty likely that I'll be able to split open the heads of those responsible for the movie "I, Robot." GALAXIA: Impressed yet? Perhaps in a bit of awestruck fear? CROW: Yeah, right. I don't even *want* to know how you expect to conquer the world with these guys. SIREN: Who's that fourth one, Galaxia-sama? GALAXIA: Oh, that's Naoko Takeuchi, author of Sailor Moon. TAKEUCHI: [friendly] Hello there, my creations. SIREN: Hi, Naoko-sama! MOUSE: Umm, but you aren't dead yet, are you? TAKEUCHI: Well, I wasn't, but reading this fanfic did me in. ALL: ... CROW: Okay, Galaxia, admit it. You aren't actually planning on using these guys to conquer the world, you just wanted to build up to that lame punchline in an attempt to intimidate us before reading the fanfic. GALAXIA: [holding up her hands] Guilty as charged, Sailor Lead Crow. However, I assure you that this fanfic is enough to make anyone, live or dead, familiar with the characters or not, start twitching. MOUSE: What's it called? GALAXIA: Uh... actually, it hasn't got a name. ALL: ... NYANKO: Galaxia, where the hell do you *find* these things? GALAXIA: Fanfiction.net, my little pain-kitten. MOUSE: [snickering] "Pain-kitten?" GALAXIA: Shut up! Now go... do that thing you do! With the fanfic. And the hurting. CROW: We're on it. [The ANIMAMATES proceed through the double doors.] ----- [Inside the viewing room, where four movie-theater style seats face towards a large screen. The ANIMAMATES enter and take their seats. From left to right are SAILOR IRON MOUSE, SAILOR ALUMINUM SIREN, SAILOR LEAD CROW, and SAILOR TIN NYANKO.] NYANKO: So, wait, I didn't catch what series this fanfic is from. GALAXIA'S VOICE: Sailor Moon. NYANKO: Crap. CROW: Sticking close to home, Galaxia? GALAXIA'S VOICE: Trust me, Crow, my choice of this fanfic has nothing to do with series favoritism. It would be just as bad if you replaced the characters with ones from any series... and the characterization would probably be better, too. }not sure of a title yet MOUSE: Gee, I wonder why you don't see more of this sort of thing in actual published works. SIREN: Yeah! Like, there could be a novel called, "I Couldn't Really Think of a Good Name"! NYANKO: Maybe a research paper titled "About Something." } }by silvercrystal023 (userid=481205) } >a/n:this is my first fic so be nice CROW: Umm... sure. We'll, uh, be sure to do that. SIREN: It's not nice to lie, Crow-san. > >It was 4 P.M. sharp when Hotaru came in Rei's bed-room. CROW: Ready for some sweet midafternoon lovin'. >She hadn't said even a simple "hi"; she sat down on Rei's bed and still >could not raise her eyes and look at the face of her friend; NYANKO: Oh, I already see where this is going. MOUSE: You do? NYANKO: Sure! Hotaru is going to commit a murder but needs an alibi. Thus, she hires somebody to dress up as her and go to Rei's room... at 4 *sharp*, I might add... but doesn't say anything or meet Rei's eyes because that might cause her to recognize that she's just an actor. SIREN: That actually makes sense... >she kept looking at her own knees for a very long and silent while; CROW: Her sentence ran on forever; >and she was sure that Rei had already foreboded what was about to happen in >there. MOUSE: See, she had forboded that Rei would forbode her visit. CROW: But what she doesn't know is that Rei forbode that Hotaru forbode that Rei forboded Hotaru's visit. SIREN: Gee, I wouldn't want to see a chess game between those two. >She was absolutely right: two weeks before that day, Rei began to dream >dreams and see visions which showed something "dreadful" was going to >happen between the two of them. SIREN: Why the quotes? MOUSE: Her visions were careful to use that exact word. "Dreadful." NYANKO: Well, *I'm* dreading this... >But as for Hotaru, it was only last night she became able to feel that the >time for the ultimate turning point of her life had finally appeared. CROW: She was finally going to get laid. NYANKO: ... CROW: Oh come on, can you tell me honestly that this isn't going to end with sex? NYANKO: Unfortunately, no. >She had woken up from a frightening nightmare; CROW: Her sentences were still going on forever; MOUSE: The horror! >her entire body had been wetted by a cold, freezing, sweat; NYANKO: Actually, Hotaru, that's not why your body was wet... SIREN: Age-changing wreaks havoc with bladder control. >her breast was aching, CROW: Her privates were tingling... NYANKO: ... >feeling a strong and bitter pressure that came from her heart and hurt her >skin; MOUSE: She should take something for that heartburn. >at first she was unable to move her body or open her eyes, but some minutes >later she could finally get out of that catalepsy, NYANKO: Ooh, big word for someone who can't even think of a title. >and immediately burst into tears, the most painful ones she would ever >taste. SIREN: Yeah, when tears aren't properly prepared, they can taste really bad. Luckily, I know some good recipes! GALAXIA'S VOICE: Oh, I love the tears of the innocent. Especially in a souffle. SIREN: [nodding] Tears make good souffles. >About fifteen minutes later, she knew exactly what to do — from that moment >on, there was no other way she could lead her life. CROW (Hotaru): I've decided that I'm a Furry! >"I won't deny my true self anymore! SIREN (Hotaru): I'm going to get hooked on opium! >I will go where my heart wants to take me — MOUSE (Hotaru): To the doctor to see about that heartburn! >*with or without her!*" She called Rei on the telephone: > >– Rei? SIREN (Rei): o/ What's the story, morning glory? o/ MOUSE (Hotaru): o/ What's the tale, nightingale? o/ > >– Ya, it's me. Hotaru... MOUSE: Oh, ya. NYANKO: Ya. SIREN: Ya, definitely... CROW: Ya ya. > >– I need to talk to someone... No. I need to talk to YOU. SIREN (Rei): Sure, call me on my psychic hotline. It's only two dollars an minute. >I need to see you... as soon as possible. I mean it, I've got to have a >very serious conversation with you... Please... CROW (Rei): Gee, I don't know, Hotaru... I make it a point never to meet my online girlfriends in person. Isn't chatroom sex enough for you? NYANKO: ... > >Rei tried to get in touch with Hotaru's mind; MOUSE (Rei): [thinking] Let's see... lamps... stuffed animals... Yeats... destruction... utter despair and alienation... Chibiusa... whoa! In a little bit too deep there. >she closed her eyes and for a moment focused her attention on a mental >picture of Sailorsaturn, attempting to scan what Hotaru was feeling,... SIREN: See, Rei is a master of the traditional art of Shinto psionics. NYANKO: Bah. If she's going to learn psionics, she should skip the wimpy stuff like "ESP" and go right to the awesome stuff like "Cause Pain" and "Death Field." >and could only feel that Hotaru was right; CROW (Rei): She really *does* want to talk to me! Well, glad I confirmed that. >they really had to have that serious conversation; it had to happen right >that same day. MOUSE: The issue must finally be settled once and for all... in a no-holds barred, all-out fight, would Wolverine or Spider-man win? >Yes, she, Rei, was afraid, too — but so what? Didn't her dreams and visions >warn her about what was going to happen between her and Hotaru? NYANKO: Maybe, but *we* still have no idea what the hell is going on. CROW: I'm telling you, Nyanko, this will all end in lesbian sex. >She said: > >– Could you come here right today, around 4 P.M.? MOUSE: That dash must have been especially hard to say. > >– 4 P.M.?... Ya, it'll be OK for me. ALL: Ya. Ya, definitely. Ya. >Thank you very much, Rei. Sorry for having disturbed your sleep, but... NYANKO (Hotaru): ...even beauty sleep couldn't help *you*. > >– Don't be. Please. You know I'm your friend. CROW: These two are pretty chummy for a pair of characters who have never interacted personally with each other before. >Be here today at 4 P.M. I'm waiting for you. MOUSE (Rei): And I'm not wearing anything under my miko robes... >Good night. > >– Thank you again, Rei. Good night... > >That afternoon, the behaviors of Rei and Hotaru were going to be totally >unusual, and unexpectable. SIREN: That's her special author-speak for "totally out of character." >When Rei opened the door to let her in, Hotaru just walked directly towards >Rei's bed-room and entered it; MOUSE: Yep, that's pretty unexpectable, all right. Entering a door when someone opens it for you. Craaaazy. >and Rei's heart began to beat much faster the very moment she saw the deep >sadness on the face of her friend. CROW (Rei): Depression turns me on... >After having locked her bed-room's door, NYANKO: But was it to keep her Grandpa and Yuuichiro *out*... or to keep Hotaru *in*? SIREN: [ominously] o/ Dun dun duuuuuun... o/ >Rei sat down on the floor, before and close-to Hotaru, and looked at her >eyes, but Hotaru still didn't dare to look at Rei's face. CROW: Yeah, because then they might actually talk to each other, and then the plot would advance, and we wouldn't want that. >Then Rei very gently touched the left hand of Hotaru and said: SIREN (Hotaru): [gently] Hotaru? You should really get that wart removed. > >– Hey!, what's up? NYANKO (Hotaru): Wazuuuuuuuup? >I am here... and listening to you. MOUSE: She just answered her own question. > >Hotaru took a long and deep breath, and finally looked at Rei. CROW: Gee, I'm shivering in my seat from the suspense the author is building up. Really I am. > >– Rei... what are we the Sailorsenshi living for? CROW: Oh, please. Sailor Senshi have no right to have existential angst. They actually have a purpose layed out in front of them. Leave the existential angst to the common masses. >What are we? NYANKO: A very sucessful merchandising license? MOUSE (Rei): I am a shinto priestess in training. You are a raving lunatic. Any more questions? >Who we really are, humans or non-humans, common people or superhumans? CROW (Hotaru): Or squirrels? Dammit, Rei, are we squirrels or non- squirrels? Or are we, perhaps, supersquirrels? >Part-time "people" and part-time "Sailorsenshi"? MOUSE (Hotaru): And part-time fry cooks? >Who am I really? What am I really? SIREN (Rei): You already asked those questions, Hotaru. Try not to repeat yourself, okay? >I would like to be myself only, and myself all time long! NYANKO: So who the hell is stopping you? Geeze! >I do have always felt that I am not really human, MOUSE (Hotaru): The cybernetic parts sort of contributed to that, maybe. CROW: No, I think this is supposed to be anime Hotaru. >and I guess I will never really be human. MOUSE (Hotaru): I want to be a *real* boy! SIREN (Rei): ... MOUSE (Hotaru): I mean, girl! I want to be a real *girl*! Eh heh... um. >I don't like to be the ordinary "Hotaru", CROW (Hotaru): Because I'm a whiny, angsty loser! >and I really don't like what I fight for when I turn into Sailorsaturn... NYANKO (Hotaru): Peace and love. I really *hate* peace and love! > > > >["Oh no! Hotaru! You too? You've been bitten by the truth bug, too! MOUSE (Rei): Now I'll have to kill you like I kill everyone who realizes the truth! NYANKO: Hey, Flame Snipers are effective even from the roof of a two-story building.... >Oh my cunt!, ALL: ... CROW: ...Sure. >not that pain in my soul again, SIREN (Rei): I thought I took asprin for that! >and not in *this* way, please! MOUSE: Yeah, soul pain "down there" is the worst kind of soul pain. NYANKO: ... >Why the fuck I might not be blessed with the kindness of ignorance, the >bliss of unconsciousness? NYANKO (Rei): Looks like I'll have to bang my head against a steel pipe until the hurting stops. Again. >It looks like this is the day I'll be finally captured by my fucky >destiny... Shit!"] SIREN: Hey kids, let's swear for fun! > >– What????? Hey!, speak less quickly, please! NYANKO (Rei): I need to jot this all down for evidence when I turn you in to the mental hospital! > >– ...because... why the fuck the things we were in our past lives will >always and ever have to rule what we do in *this* life? MOUSE: Man, grant a person a second chance at life and all they do is complain. Just kill yourself if you're that upset about it. SIREN: Reincarnation is a privilege, not a right. >Or, who knows, why not? Rather, this stuff don't really matter at all! CROW: That's great. Will you please stop talking now? >I *am* Sailorsaturn, so why the fuck I cannot be Sailorsaturn twenty-four >hours a day? SIREN: Because the fuku would get really dirty? NYANKO: Because the Silence Glaive is hard to fit through doors? MOUSE: Because you have to go to sleep eventually? >My cunt!, MOUSE: Sure, Hotaru. Your cunt. >I don't have any real need for living even a millisecond of my life-time as >the ordinary Tomoe Hotaru! CROW: Except, you know, then you could GET A LIFE. >Why wouldn't I ever be allowed to be Sailorsaturn just for the pleasure of >being myself? NYANKO: Nobody's freaking stopping you, girl! Knock yourself out! >Do you know what, according to my not so humble opinion, to have to live >like a "super-hero" means? It means..., MOUSE: ...that you get the satisfaction of leading a life worth living? >no!, it doesn't mean a thing, MOUSE: Oh. Well, it was worth a try, I guess. >indeed it smells like schizophrenia! SIREN: Ah, the smell of schizophrenia in the morning! CROW: Well, you know, Hotaru does sort of have a point here. Of all the senshi, she's the only one with a real split-personality. And she does talk to herself and stuff. NYANKO: I hope Saturn manifests and slaps Hotaru around silly for being a total loser. > >Then Hotaru closed her eyes and put her right hand on the right hand of >Rei; MOUSE (Hotaru): Oh, I'm so risque! I can't even look! >she had to find out the right words to keep on talking that way, to keep on >showing her true feelings; CROW: Her inexcusably rambling sentences required mercy killings; >Rei was shivering, and didn't know what to say, because what Hotaru was >telling her... was 100% hard truth, NYANKO: What? She hasn't even said any facts! How can it be truth? MOUSE: She's probably talking about "My cunt." SIREN: Oh. Well, it's true, there's no denying that it's *her* cunt. >and once again she was experiencing the fear of the unavoidable >consequences that would come from accepting that truth. CROW: Sanity loss 1d6/1d20. > >"So you're afraid too, huh? As it should be. I do know exactly what you're >feeling and why you're feeling it; SIREN: That's sorta creepy. MOUSE (Hotaru): You're feeling a sudden inexplicable urge for Dove chocolate! >'cause I've been feeling that you're just enough a lot like me; SIREN (Hotaru): We both have black hair, so we must be kindred spirits. >the only thing I still haven't wanted to know is whether you are gonna dare >to change your heart just like I am doing today..." CROW: Hey, it's not that much of a risk. Modern heart transplants have a very high rate of sucess. >— Hotaru thought. SIREN: This is like those comic books where people have two-paragraph monologues in the time it takes to throw a punch. >Then she continued: NYANKO: Oh, please, god, no! MOUSE: Just how long is she going to keep talking? > >– I mean... I really am not afraid of being lonely, or alone, but... I'm so >tired of being lonely! CROW: Way to contradict yourself, Hotaru. >You said, you say, that you're my friend; matter of fact all Sailorsenshi >tell me the same. NYANKO: Well, if it makes you feel better, Hotaru... I'm a Sailor Senshi, and *I* hate your annoying little guts. >But is *this* really friendship? SIREN: Friends don't let friends engage in angsty monologues. >I mean, friendship will never be allowed or supposed to be more, much more >than this disguised emptiness I guess it truely is? Chibi-usa was my first >true friend, I used to think; but lately I've found out that MOUSE (Hotaru): ...my first true friend was *really* a stuffed bear I called Mr. Bojangles. >I was so despaired because of the depth of my loneliness that I had to >accept anything, the first thing, that could ease the pain I was going >through... even the hollow-headed Chibi-usa! CROW (Hotaru): Liking me unconditionally for who I was... how much more stupid and superficial could you get? >I really never could stand her, SIREN (Hotaru): I just actively sought out her company. >but I also had been so weak that I had had to think and misfeel that to >keep on being alone was much worse than having a friend like her! CROW: Sure. But we all know that this is all due to her repressed sexual desires for Chibi-usa, right? MOUSE: Oh, of course. What with her whole "complaining about how friendship doesn't go deeper" thing and all. I thought it was obvious. CROW: Isn't it, though? > >– I... I see, but... And what about your parents? Haven't you ever felt the >love they once dedicated to you? — ["NO!!!!! What the fuck have I just >spoken? I don't believe it's happened!"] SIREN (Rei): I can't believe I managed to get two words in edgewise between Hotaru's ranting! > >– Love? From my *parents*? WHAT DO *YOU* MEAN? CROW: ...Is it just me, or was that emphasis misplaced? NYANKO (Hotaru): [miming smoking a hookah] What... do *you*... mean? > >– Sorry!, I... MOUSE (Rei): I've seen the error of my ways! I'll never mention parental love again! > >– No! Never! I cannot evaluate the shit that happens between your father >and you, Rei, but I do speak the truth for myself, and I dare say that my >parents never never loved the real *me*. SIREN (Hotaru): Just the fake, plush "me" that I set up outside my door as bait! >I do mean that they were loving the parts of themselves they could see in >me, CROW (Hotaru): Mom really loved my mitochondria! >actually they were loving the parts of themselves that they could make me >mirror back towards them! MOUSE (Hotaru): I figured that out when papa made me put on a dark mask and practice my maniacal laughter! >That is, what they loved was never me, but the set of results from their >educational labour, their so-called "daughter" — NYANKO: I thought her mother died really early and her father sold his soul to save her life. SIREN: Oh, what are a few details like continuity and accuracy when it comes to a good angst? > >DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!? SIREN (Rei): SIR! YES SIR! MOUSE (Hotaru): NOW DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY! > >Hearing that scream, Rei was not afraid anymore; she was scared, CROW: Great, more contradictory sentences. MOUSE: I really like this fanfic; I hate it. >and it was her turn to escape — from Hotaru's eyes. CROW: One of Hotaru's eyes resembled that of a vulture -- a pale blue eye with a film over it. Whenever it fell upon her, her blood ran cold, and so by degrees, very gradually, she made up my mind to take the life of Hotaru, and thus rid herself of the eye for ever. > >– Sorry, forgive me, please! I really didn't intend... but I couldn't help >it... > >– I know. SIREN (Hotaru): The uncontrollable urge to speak reasonably and sanely is a curse that you must perpetually strive to free yourself of. > >– > >– > >– Well... SIREN: I think they've run out of things to say. NYANKO: Well, when you start the conversation by swearing declaring your hatred of everyone and everything, it's hard to move onto the weather. >As for Setsuna, Michiru and Haruka... today it's impossible for me to >believe that they have ever loved me, or even liked me... CROW: Okay, who's speaking? If each dash represents a person not talking, this should be Rei right now. NYANKO: Hey, that makes sense. *I* sure find it hard to believe that the Outer Senshi ever loved Rei. >you don't know how hard, how painful it was when I could wake up to the >fact that MOUSE (Hotaru): ...Santa Claus wasn't real! What cruel parents would set up the hopes of an innocent child, knowing that they would later be shattered! >their *only* interest in me has been not to allow Sailorsaturn to become >her *true* self, the Senshi of Destruction... MOUSE: Sailor Saturn has a *true* self now, too? CROW: Yeah, they did their best to steer Sailor Saturn into a career as the Senshi of Home Decoration. SIREN: Crow-san... I'm confused over what Hotaru this is and when. CROW: Well, this whole sequence wouldn't make sense no matter what Hotaru it is, so it's kind of a moot point. > > > >– No!, you're wrong! > >– Yes, I'm right! NYANKO: Woah, selective hearing much, Hotaru? >And you know what? Have you ever wondered *why* Mistress 9 possessed my >body? MOUSE: To destroy the world? SIREN: Nah, couldn't be. >Wait a minute!, I don't mean that "easy" answer! SIREN (Rei): So you mean because your father was willing to accept any means to save your life when... NYANKO (Hotaru): SHUT UP!!! SIREN (Rei): Oh, right... parental love is taboo. Sorry. > >– ? > >– Ever wondered why I did *attract* her to my life, to my body? MOUSE (Rei): Because your father accidently developed this machine that... NYANKO (Hotaru): NO EASY ANSWERS, DAMMIT! >Wouldn't it be because she and I were *alike*? Rather, because she and I >*are* alike? CROW (Hotaru): Shall I change my *emphasis*? Or rather, did I *change* my emphasis? >Because down deep inside I am exactly like Mistress 9 was? SIREN: Deep inside, Mistress 9 is a whiny little girl. >As she invaded my body... wouldn't I be just punishing myself, for having >denied my *true* nature? CROW: When she invaded your body... wouldn't you be, like, a little kid and not give a shit about your "true" nature? >Wouldn't she be just using my body right because one fuckingly stupid day I >refused to do the kind of job that *I* had to do, that *I* always was >supposed and meant to do? MOUSE: [guessing] Um... no? NYANKO: Yeah, Hotaru... you were posessed my Mistress 9 because you refused to take out the trash one time when you were young. > >– No!, that's a terrible mistake! We all know that she possessed your body >because of the supreme destructive powers of Sailorsaturn, no doubt about >this, CROW: Waitaminute, Mistress 9 didn't choose Hotaru as a host because she was Sailor Saturn. She didn't even know! Heck, she ended up being taken out because Hotaru was Saturn. Will you stop rewriting history, already? NYANKO: I guess you can always hope, Crow. >but you have nothing to do with her, you use your powers to help Sailormoon >and protect this planet... > >– Exactly! That's *the* point! Have *I* ever said that I *really* want to >use *my* powers in order to help Sailormoon and protect this planet? CROW (Rei): Well, uh... yes, you have. NYANKO (Hotaru): SHUT UP! I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE ANY LOGIC FROM YOU! >Who are we Sailorsenshi? SIREN: You're Spider-man! >Slaves to Sailormoon? MOUSE (Hotaru): LOVE slaves to Sailormoon? >Do we *have* to be slaves to that hollow-headed slut? NYANKO (Hotaru): Can't be be *employees* of that hollow-headed slut? I want to get paid for saving the world! SIREN: Devotion to one man over multiple lifetimes denotes sluttiness? >Why must we have to do with her concerns? MOUSE: You mean concerns like the safety of innocents, that sort of thing? NYANKO: Heh heh. Go on a killing spree, Hotaru! It might partially redeem you for this angst-fest! >Matter of fact, what do we really have to do with her? *Friendship*? CROW (Rei): Well, she's saved your life a couple of times, and... NYANKO (Hotaru): SILENCE! >Today this word makes no sense to me, lately I have overlearned that it >means a hollow shell that I can't stand no more, for I am not human, I mean >I don't want to have to be a hypocrite! MOUSE: What the hell did she just say? >*Loyalty*? First of all I must be loyal to my true self, and my true self >has been telling me this: "Fuck Sailormoon!" CROW: Ah, so she has repressed sexual desires for Usagi, as well. SIREN: So this is all because of the voices talking to her? MOUSE: Maybe she *is* schizophrenic and just thinks she has a "true self". >And why is she our leader? She even is not the strongest one among us all, >her actual power has always been much less than she has made us all >believe! NYANKO (Hotaru): I have good reason to believe that those acts of powerful purification and ressurection were done with mirrors and tricks of the light! >At least she could be the wisest Sailorsenshi... Usagi, wise? Ha ha ha! CROW (Rei): Actually, I went to the future and met Neo-Queen Serenity, and she actually did seem pretty wi... NYANKO (Hotaru): IF YOU SPEAK ONCE MORE I WILL KILL YOU! CROW (Rei): yes'm. >I would easily knock her down and wipe my feet upon her tits! ALL: ... SIREN (Hotaru): And that *so* proves that she isn't wise! CROW: What amuses me is the fact that it's, like, an eight year-old girl who's saying all this. >Even you could and should have done it sometimes, MOUSE (Hotaru): Your feet are looking pretty dirty. >if you didn't have that "secret" interest in her... NYANKO (Rei): [gasp] How did *you* know that I'm peddling drugs to her? > >– Do I have a "secret" interest in Usagi?... What d'ya mean? SIREN (Rei): *Everyone* knows that she owes me big money. > >– You want her. CROW (Rei): Oh, I see. Thanks for telling me, it's nice to know who I lust after. > >– WHAT????? — Rei's eyes were more fierce-looking than ever, attempting to >mean: "You're completely nuts!", NYANKO: Just now figured that out, huh? >but actually she was thinking: "How the fuck did you find it out?" MOUSE (Rei): I thought my collection of obscenely positioned Sailor Moon dolls was well hidden! NYANKO: Geh... bad mental image... >However Hotaru just put her left middle finger on Rei's forehead and said: SIREN (Hotaru): Talk to the hand. CROW: She's giving Rei the bird? > >– Matter of fact you want Minako too. Don't you... *really*? > >Rei had to close her eyes again. MOUSE (Rei): Dammit, she found the Sailor V dolls, too. > >– Yes, I do. *Really*. CROW (Rei): I really want them both... at the same time. >Sorry. > >– For what? MOUSE (Rei): Well, for cheating on you, of course. SIREN (Hotaru): Oh, don't worry! I've been unfaithful, too. > >– > >– > >– For having tried to lie. CROW (Rei): I realize now that I should tell you all the intimate details of my love life. ...okay, so there was this one time when Yuiichiro and I.... > >– Don't be. > >The eyes of Hotaru were adoring the face and the body of her "friend"; NYANKO: And the rest of Hotaru didn't give a shit. >she thought: "Why Usagi? Why Minako? Why not *me*? MOUSE (Hotaru): Are not bitter, unpleasant, insulting people just as attractive as those with all-encompassing love? >Why do you dislike yourself so much? CROW: She does? >Why, how, can you be so blind? SIREN (Hotaru): So COLOR-blind? I mean, blonde hair on Japanese girls just isn't natural! >Why... Damn it! Does it matter... now? Maybe very soon you will destroy me, >otherwise I will destroy you... CROW (Hotaru): Strike me down with all your hatred and your journey to the dark side shall be complete... >No, Hino Rei, I would never dare to destroy *you*... MOUSE (Rei): If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine! >Our few happy moments... NYANKO: You mean that time before Hotaru started talking? >won't ever be? Damn it!" > >– That's it... Now that I know that I am not human, SIREN (Hotaru): ...I'm going to run free in the wilderness with the happy forest animals! >that I'm sure I don't want to become human, CROW: Oh, trust me, Hotaru, you're acting *very* human. This is such a textbook case of adolescent rebellion! Characterized by a certain amount of normal defiance, discontent, turmoil, restlessness, and ambivalence, with emotions running high and mood swings common. MOUSE: Only to be expected. Lasts at least two years. CROW: Yeah, but with Hotaru's age-changing, it could last forever. >and that I do believe that we all Sailorsenshi should be totally ourselves, >not just a team of superpowered cops... > >– Cops????? NYANKO (Rei): We arrest people? I thought we just killed them! MOUSE: No, the laws of Tokyo clearly state that being a monster gets you the death penalty. > >– Ya, cops... If the humans themselves don't ever give a damn about >protecting *their* homeworld, then why my cunt should *we* do it? CROW (Hotaru): I'm getting tired of repairing the ozone layer and bringing the Silence upon oil spills! >It's completely nonsensical! SIREN (Rei): Well, we could do it because we're also human and live on the planet, we have precious friends and family to protect, and we're the ones with superpowers, not them. NYANKO (Hotaru): That's *crazy* talk! >As for Sailormoon, isn't she the "Number One"? CROW: No, no, Hotaru! You never see Number One! Only Number Two! SIREN (Hotaru): Who is Number One? MOUSE (Usagi): You are Number Six. SIREN (Hotaru): I am not a number! I'm a free woman! [ALL laugh mockingly.] >So, why the hell isn't she able to fight alone, depending on her own >strength only? Would she ever dare to fight her enemies if the other Senshi >were not always around, ready to make her victories be possible? NYANKO (Hotaru): TEAMWORK AND COOPERATION ARE THE WORK OF TEH DEVIL!!!!11 MOUSE: That seems to about sum it up. >Would she ever dare to face Death all by herself, doing without people who >live and die for her? Let me be absolutely crystal clear, CROW (Hotaru): ...by repeating *everything* I say half a dozen times! >would she ever be able to exist all by herself as Sailormoon, without >depending on the existence of people like you, Minako, whoever? CROW: [snapping her fingers] Hey! SIREN: What, Crow-san? CROW: I just realized that Hotaru is talking like manga Galaxia! GALAXIA'S VOICE: Excuse me, I was *never* this annoying. CROW: No, no, in content, I mean. Think about it! Act 51. "Massing in groups is evidence of being trash. The only thing we can trust is our own power. Only the source of power, the Sailor Crystals." GALAXIA'S VOICE: Hmm. You're right. MOUSE: Aww... does that mean I have to like this Hotaru because she's like Galaxia-sama? GALAXIA'S VOICE: No, no, you have my permission to loathe her. ALL: Yay! >*Would she*? No!, for she's really weak, she's cowardly!, and after all, >you too have been nothing but a slave to a wimp! I cannot speak in the name >of you and the other Sailorsenshi, MOUSE (Hotaru): Unless I get my name changed... hmm, good idea... >but I state that from now on I myself have nothing to do with Sailormoon! SIREN (Hotaru): I'm leaving this series and joining Dragonball Z! > >– > >– NYANKO: Ah, they stopped talking. > >– Hotaru... Are you serious? NYANKO: Dammit all to hell! They started again! MOUSE: You shouldn't let the author get your hopes up, Nyanko. > >– Yes, I am. > >– So... You won't help her anymore... MOUSE: Um, if this is post-series, there's not a whole lot to help her with anyway. > >– It'll be worse than that. As the Senshi of Destruction, my present job is >to take the control of the destiny of this planet off the hands of >mankind... CROW: Rewriting the job description, I see. SIREN: She's going astrological and becoming the Soldier of Restriction. > >– Hotaru! NYANKO: Rei's really contributing to this conversation. > >– ... and to destroy whoever gets in the way. > >– You do know you are unable to defeat all the other Senshi! MOUSE (Rei): Dammit, and we were all trying to keep it from you! > >– Yes. So I will be fought and destroyed by all of you. > >– No! NYANKO (Hotaru): Oh, yes. Should'a killed me when you had the chance, bitches! > >– Yes. You and the other Senshi will have no choice. > >– Hotaru!... *Why*? — asked Rei, with a cry in her voice. SIREN (Hotaru): Why? [sigh] Alright, I'll start my monologue over. "Rei... what are we the Sailorsenshi living for?..." MOUSE (Rei): Noooooooooooo! > >– Because it's my wish. This is what I actually want to be — and to do. >It's my... fate. CROW: Oh, please. This is obviously, like most badly-attempted suicides, just a desperate call for attention. NYANKO: Since when did you become a psychologist, Crow? CROW: You don't need x-ray vision to see through motivations this transparent. > >Rei stood up. She was feeling so ashamed! MOUSE (Rei): I'm ashamed 'cuz I can't speak so purdy! >All those things Hotaru had just told her, she did know they were all true; SIREN: She *did* know they were true, but then she forgot. >the difference between Saturn and Mars... CROW: Men come from Mars, CATS FROM SATURN come from Saturn. Bwahahaha! ALL: ... >really, there were things that Hotaru didn't fear anymore, SIREN: She managed to overcome her severe fear of Twister. MOUSE: Traumatising childhood accidents are a bitch, yeah. >but she, Rei, kept on fearing; all those truths that her own crystal >perfect thinking had revealed to her so many times before, NYANKO: Like her discovery that the Norse cosmology is actually the correct view of the universe. MOUSE: And boy, is Odin pissed. >and that so many times she refused to validate, CROW: Hey, you can get fined for unvalidated truths. >they finally had shown their full strength, spoken by other person, making >her tell herself: "You coward!" SIREN: Somehow, it feels like this was originally written in Italian or something and then translated to English. MOUSE: Yeah, it was just such a success in it's original language, they had to share the wonder with the overseas audience. >Yes, she had been cowardly, for too long; and from that moment on, there >was no decent way of living(or dying!) except obeying the call of her >heart: SIREN (Heart): Pump blood! Pump blood! Pump blood! NYANKO (Rei): Yes, Heart! Blood will flow like water through the streets of Tokyo! >"my Fire was not meant to create, and never meant to preserve — my Fire is >meant to destroy, because now is the time for Destruction!". NYANKO (Rei): I will unleash my *wrath* upon the kindling of the world! > >How many times had she too wondered how fine it would be if she could be >Sailormars all the time? CROW: Never? >How many times had she wished she could be Sailormars for the pleasure of >being her true self, Sailormars, without ever having a thing to do with >Sailormoon's reality and concerns? MOUSE: How many times had she had the urge to ignore the monsters, set Tokyo on fire, and play the fiddle as it burned? >How many times had she tried to kill her oversilly crush on Usagi and >Minako? NYANKO: And how many times had her crush on Usagi and Minako defeated her ninja assassins? >How many times had she refused to show and to use her Ice Attacks? ALL: ... SIREN: Isn't it kind of a moot point, since she doesn't have any ice attacks? >How many times had she felt absurdly ashamed for the fact that her Ice >Attacks were actually more powerful than her Fire Attacks? "The obligation >that I've made... for the title that they gave me!" NYANKO: Waitwaitwait... if she had ice attacks, who the heck was stopping her from using them? CROW: Uh, I dunno. I guess there must have been some really heavy peer pressure, though. MOUSE: No, no. She just had her image to maintain. If she used ice attacks, people would think she was a geek like Ami. >How many times had she wished to live in a place where the sounds of >television, radio, telephones and shitty people couldn't ever come to her >ears? SIREN: What, you mean like a small, quiet shrine? >How many times had she realized that the so-called love she used to feel >for her ojii-san had always been nothing but an illusion? NYANKO: [throwing her hands in the air] Gaaaah! Make this fanfic stop already! This is *torture*! GALAXIA'S VOICE: That's the idea, yes. >How many times had she wished to kill her father and to do without any >stupid need for guilt or self-punishment? SIREN: [sadly] Yes, and how many deaths will it take till she knows That too many people have died? CROW: [laying a hand on her shoulder] The answer, my friend, Is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind. >How many times had she wished to have the strength to let her "queerness" >show? MOUSE: How many times had the restrained herself from buying Doc Martins at the shoe store? >How many times had she felt sorrow for enjoying the pleasure to kill — the >multi-orgasmic sunshine in her stomach that only by killing an enemy she >could give to herself — ? CROW: Now there's a great slogan: "Killing: like a multi-orgasmic sunshine in your stomach." SIREN: [cheerfully] Gee, that makes *me* want to try it! ALL: ... >How many times had she denied the opportunities of being herself? NYANKO: Forty-two. Now shut up. > >Too many, too many, too many! ALL: [chanting mindlessly] Too many! Too many! Too many! >And the very day she had come to be sure that she was really not crazy, >that "she was not the only one", what had she just tried to do? SIREN: Destroy the Matrix? CROW: Hell of a time to find out you're not the only One. >To deny that Hotaru was closer than ever to Reality, to deny that her own >inner truth could never be far from Reality! SIREN: Huh? MOUSE: [making vauge gangsta arm movements] Hotaru is keepin' it real, yo. SIREN: Oh, okay. >"You coward! Shame on you!" She finally might begin to feel true happiness, >for Fate had just sent her a very nice gift, Saturn herself, MOUSE: Yeah, Fate gave her a really late Christmas present this year. >at last someone truely worth to trust and to serve; NYANKO (Rei): I like her philosophy! No personal responsibilty or moral obligation, just self-satisfaction all the way! CROW: Hotaru *is* Ayn Rand. >however she still couldn't help feeling some more hesitation, some more >guilt, some more fear, some more crap; MOUSE: Heh heh. That's what happens when authors run out of words. CROW: Well, she could always fall back on arbitrary anatomical references. >"Shame on me!". NYANKO: Yeah, guilt is for wimps! >She sat down on her bed, beside Hotaru. > >– Hotaru... please look into my eyes. SIREN (Rei): You are getting very sleepy... >Good. Listen, I cannot believe you're that serious.["Liar!"] NYANKO (Rei): ...liar, pants on MARS! FLAME SNIPER! >If you really intended to fight Sailormoon, why the heck would you ever >warn us about your goals? It makes no sense! CROW (Hotaru): You wouldn't think so... but it *did* give time for the contact poison I gave you when I touched your forehead to sink into your brain and destroy it. MOUSE (Rei): ...what? Arg... >In this way, for you there really will be no possibility of defeating her. MOUSE (Rei): Well, maybe if you challenged her to Poker or something. > >– There never would be. As you have just pointed out, I am all alone, >against all of you together, so for what to attack Sailormoon by surprise? SIREN: For Hostess Ding-Dongs to attack Sailormoon by surprise! CROW: She just loves that creamy filling. >There would be no point in it. Besides, it won't ever be that easy for >anyone to get to kill me, anyhow. NYANKO (Hotaru): I gained a resistence to vicious beatings from my traumatic early school years. MOUSE (Hotaru): I also learned to hide my lunch money really well. > >– In fact... It would make no difference at all... But there is still >something that's not very... I mean... MOUSE: Something that's doesn't make much sense? SIREN: Something that's not very coherent? CROW: Something like this fanfic? > >– I feel what you're wondering, why I chose *you* to listen to me? MOUSE (Hotaru): When I would have gotten almost as much of an intelligent response talking to a rock? > >– > >– > >– Ya. Why not Sailormoon herself? NYANKO (Hotaru): Because... [tearing away a mask] I *AM* SAILOR MOON! CROW: Woah, that would be a plot twist. >Why *me*? — ["I do know why: somehow, you already knew that, in the end, I >would follow in your footsteps; I *will* follow you — even into the >inevitable death!"] MOUSE (Rei): It is our fate... our fate to play "chicken" on the bullet train tracks! > >"So she wants to keep playing the test game. SIREN (Hotaru): She should stand up for her beliefs and refuse to take the standardized tests! >Her fear still hopes that I won't confirm the things she already knows... >Will she... Damn it! Fuck *my* fear, I must end this now!" CROW: Oh, please do. >— Hotaru finally found the strength to say: SIREN: ..."No." To drugs. > >– Because... because if I had the help from you, the Senshi of Fire, I >could actually defeat not only Sailormoon but *all* her other allies too — >especially MOUSE (Hotaru): ...her little brother, Shingo, who mocks me at every turn. Yes, yes... he will pay... >my fucky Setsuna-mama and her obscene time tricks!... MOUSE: Time tricks? CROW (Setsuna): Okay, see? Nothing in my sleeve, nothing in my hat... oh, look, what's this? It's a nickel from twenty years in the future! How did that get there? MOUSE: But they're *obscene* time tricks. CROW: Oh. Well, I guess we know where she pulled the nickel out of, then. > >– *Actually*???! > >– *Yes*. NYANKO (Hotaru): Or, y'know, if not, then at least I have a sacrificial pawn to use as a distraction while I run for it. > >– > >– > >– I see... but... do you really believe that *I* would ever dare to >*betray* Sailormoon? CROW (Hotaru): Yes, Rei. I have faith in your bitterness, selfishness, and lack of morals! SIREN (Rei): Awww... that's so sweet of you, Hotaru... > >– And why not? After all, to "betray" her won't ever be worse than to keep >on betraying *yourself*! MOUSE: Except in that it'll probably lead to the annihilation of the world. NYANKO: Eh, details. > >– ! > >– !! ALL: !!! > >– Am I that transparent to your eyes? CROW (Hotaru): Oh, yeah... and right now, I'm looking through your clothes... > >– Still any doubts? NYANKO (Rei): Well, I doubt your sanity. Does that count? > >– > >– > >– Well... and... are you absolutely *sure* that I can become that powerful? MOUSE (Rei): Like, say... purely theoretically, of course... powerful enough to backstab you when our work is complete and take over the world myself? > >– Yes, I *am*. SIREN (Rei): How? CROW (Hotaru): Uhh... I just am. > >– > >– > >– Hotaru!, I'm with you! NYANKO (Hotaru): Yeah, I know. We've been in the room together for the past hour. Now will you join me, or not? > >– !! > >– !!! ALL: !!!! > >The revolutionary girl stood up and asked: SIREN (Utena): What am I doing here and how do I get back to Ohtori Academy? > >– Will you follow me?! CROW (Rei): Depends. Where are you going? SIREN (Hotaru): McDonalds. CROW (Rei): Sure. > >Hino Rei stood up too, and replied: > >– Yes! NYANKO (Rei): But only from a safe distance! > >– > >– SIREN: These breaks represent the other two, invisible, people in the room continuing their conversation. > >Hotaru took heart and continued: MOUSE: Ah, so she's actually Mistress 9 and requires Pure Hearts to live. CROW: Makes sense. > >– Even to our... death? > >– *Yes*! NYANKO (Rei): I love dying! I've had lots of practice, too! > >– > >– CROW: Well, looks like Hotaru just brought the Silence to the fanfic. [ALL cheer.] > >Looking deep into her friend's eyes, Hotaru finally asked: > >– Even to our... *love*? MOUSE (Rei): Err, well... I dunno about that one... SIREN: It's a fate worse than death. > >Rei found that she shouldn't really be feeling that surprised, although she >was really feeling so; on that decisive afternoon, she had seen firstly >Hotaru's sadness, then her rage, and at last she was staring at her deepest >need, maybe the greatest of her weaknesses, perhaps her only one. SIREN: Her Achilles tendon? NYANKO: Her addiction to caffine? MOUSE: Her brain? >Her need for love. CROW: Right. And this is right after Hotaru systematically rejected and vowed to destroy everybody else who has ever shown her love in her entire life. SIREN: Well, she didn't really vow to *destroy* her dad... she just rejected him. CROW: Eh, he's covered in the "enslaving humanity" thing. >Hino Rei didn't know that the girl with the power to destroy an entire >planet could ever seem and *be* so vulnerable, so fragile, so weak, so >despaired,— and so helpless, NYANKO: Rei knew... that this was the perfect time to kill her. >as she was daring to show on that moment of singularity and transition SIREN: o/ One! Singular transition! o/ o/ Every little step she takes... o/ >— probably the most honest moment in her whole existence. After having just >experienced that "revelation", CROW: Surely some revelation is at hand. Surely the Second Coming is at hand. NYANKO: If "the Second Coming" is a sequel to this fanfic, just kill me now. >Rei definitely accepted that both Hotaru and she herself actually belonged >nowhere, SIREN: And that's exactly where they were going. >no epoch, MOUSE: Are you kidding? Hotaru is a child of the sixties, all the way! >no type of social group ever known, CROW: No religion... *coughshintocough* SIREN: No family... *coughgrandpacough* MOUSE: No team... *coughsailorsenshicough* >so that they would have to create their own space, their own time, and >their own... people — somehow. MOUSE: How about in the usual way? NYANKO: ...they're both girls, Mouse. MOUSE: Hey, those Sailor Starlights did some amazing things with disguise magic... >"She *really* is not that different from *you*, Hino Rei — can you see it >*now*? CROW (Rei): And here I thought, like every other teenager ever, that my feelings of alienation were unique! MOUSE: Umm, who's talking? >Now I do understand, now I do feel — SIREN (Rei): Who knew that turning my back on all my emotions and attachments was the key to increased empathy? >if I were living *her* life, I myself would not and could not act >differently than she's doing... SUESS'S VOICE: Would you, could you, in the rain? Would you act strange on a train? SIREN: Stop that. >Now I'm more than sure of my real destiny — *our* real destiny." After >considering her own hopeless devotion to Usagi and Minako one more time, >Rei concluded: MOUSE (Rei): I like blondes. >"I've got to give my real love and my real life to the ones who truly want >them, the ones who truly *deserve* them. CROW (Rei): I'm going to marry Yuuichiro! >And I am going to do it *now*". Hotaru's defenses were totally down MOUSE: [making vauge gangsta arm movements] Hotaru's defenses are totally down with it, yo. NYANKO: Never speak like that again. >— the rest of her life was depending absolutely on the answer that Rei was >going to give to her last question; SIREN (Hotaru): "Will you please kill me and put me out of my misery?" >her aura was completely open-wide, and her friend could easily destroy her >mind if she wished so CROW: Too late. >— but the Hino Rei she was bringing to the light would not disappoint her >expectation. NYANKO: So she really didn't have any reason to worry and was just being an angsty little biz-natch. > >- > >– > >– Yes, Hotaru. I will *learn* to love you. NYANKO (Rei): Because it *sure* isn't going to come naturally. > >– © © ©! ALL: ...? MOUSE: I guess she's really worried about someone plagarizing this work. CROW: [darkly] She shouldn't be worried about someone copying this crap. SIREN: Yes she should... it's on fanfiction.net. > >– Be sure I'll do it, Saturn! SIREN (Rei): Remind me if I forget! >In the name of Mars, CROW (Rei): I'll punish you! Err, sorry, that was just out of habit... >I swear I'll do it! > >– STARTING RIGHT NOW? SIREN (Rei): Sure! Oh, wait, damn! The girls are coming over here tomorrow... can I schedule our coup for next Saturday instead? > >– *HAI*! NYANKO: *INTENSE BETRAYAL ACTION*! > >Rei thought: "Fuck my fear! Nothing's gonna stop me now!". Hotaru was >showing her hunger for love in her violet eyes, MOUSE: She devours all the love she sees? SIREN: [gasp] She's a Care Bears villain! They all want to destroy feelings! CROW: Great. We'll call her Silentheart. >and Rei just couldn't help feeling the same kind of hunger beginning to >rise inside of her mouth. MOUSE: Rei's mouth and Hotaru's eyes met passionately. >"I'm learning quickly. My cunt!, NYANKO: Every time they say that, it bothers me a little bit more. >how the fuck could I have been that blind? She is so *beautiful*... she is >delicious!" CROW: She's also an ELEMENTARY SCHOOL STUDENT! NYANKO: This is so incredibly disturbing. >Hotaru touched the lips of the Senshi of Fire with the tip of her tongue. >Rei did not resist. > > > >***************** MOUSE (Rei): Woah. That was it, huh? Oh, baby, that was some hot lovin'. Hell yeah. Touch my lips with the tip of your tongue, you animal. What passion. CROW: Do you *want* this to be a lemon, Mouse? MOUSE: Well, it couldn't be worse than the rest of the fanfic! And at least then there'd be an excuse for them to randomly cry out "my cunt!" > >Two hours later, Sailorsaturn and Sailormars teleported to the Antarctic. CROW (Hotaru): Our wrath will begin... with the *penguins*! SIREN: Awww! Poor little penguins! >From there they were going to rule the entire planet. CROW: While pretending that they weren't stealing the idea from Beryl. MOUSE (Hotaru): We're in the Antarctic instead of the Arctic, so it's original! >But first they had to learn to feel and to move as one. NYANKO: ...Using choreographed music they stole from Misato Katsuragi. >Under the phantasmagoric light of the aurora australis Saturn showed Mars >how to increase enormously the Senshi powers by extracting energy directly >from the center of the Earth and from the core of any star, CROW: ...? Gee, that was easy. Why haven't other people figured that out? NYANKO: I guess only Hotaru trained with King Kai in the afterlife. >and how to focus the energy of the Senshi attacks upon even the smallest >targets. MOUSE: They're going to take the war to the mosquitos. >With those techniques, not long ago Saturn had learned how to control the >intensity of her new attacks and how to guide their power towards a chosen >target, so that she could finally destroy her opponents without risking to >destroy herself too any more. SIREN: I never thought that was a problem with control... I thought it was just a matter of checks and balances. CROW: Author-Avatar Hotaru destroyed the balances and stole the checks. >She always suspected that Mars could use Ice Attacks, MOUSE: Well, how could you not? There's just so much evidence to support the idea! >but she didn't expect that Mars had already mastered them so finely. CROW: Oh, she got a lot of practice using them to create cold showers after thinking of Usagi and Minako. >The only thing that Mars didn't know about her Ice Powers was that they >could be combined to her Fire Powers: MOUSE: Ironically, adding Ice Powers increases her firepower! Ahahahaha! [Nobody else laughs.] MOUSE: ...eh. Heh. Um. >Saturn taught her how to create the Selective Steam Shell NYANKO: Water plus heat equals steam. The world can be saved by steam! >— a defensive move even more efficient than the Silence Wall, SIREN: It can run for twenty hours on a pair of double-A batteries. >for it could be totally insensitive to the time tricks and the Dead Scream >of Sailorpluto MOUSE: Their strategy is to hurt Time's feelings? >— and the Cold Fire Blast, which could be as destructive as the >faster-than-light Silence Glaive Scalar ShockWave — CROW: The Silence Glaive Scalar ShockWave is faster than light because it immediately enters hyperspace. Unfortunately, it never emerges to hit anything, so it's utterly useless. SIREN: Well, you could use it to take out, like, the Death Star while it's warping. >and how to use both powers simultaneously. NYANKO: Frying her in the reflected backlash of the Cold Fire Blast as it bounced off the Selective Steam Shell. MOUSE: No, see, that's why the shell is Selective. NYANKO: Wonderful, she has a force field with a bouncer. > >– My cunt! CROW: I wonder where the author got the idea that "my cunt" was an exclamation. SIREN: I don't think I want to know. >*Cold*... *black*... flames! I would never imagine that flames, *my* >flames, could actually be cold... or black... MOUSE: I had an old flame who was black. >Wow! > >– I see that the first black flames are "unforgettable", Mars, CROW (Hotaru): I "see" the first "flames" are "unforgettable." SIREN (Rei): Oh, I don't know... I might forget them later. >but... can you *already* match my Purple Plasma Stream? NYANKO (Hotaru): [DBZ-esque gloating] If any device could read my power level, it would be over a million! >Would you like to "test your might" right now? NYANKO: Test your might. MORTAL KOMBAT. > >– Yep... Let me try it! > >– So here it goes! PLASMA STREAM! MOUSE: Hey, I thought that was *Purple* Plasma Stream! CROW: Yeah, we wouldn't want to confuse it with, say, Pink Plasma Stream. >— and Sailorsaturn used her Silence Glaive to shoot a stream of bright >purple plasma at Sailormars. CROW: Hence the name. SIREN: Aww... attacks are cooler when their names are more interesting. MOUSE: What, like "Star Gentle Uterus"? SIREN: Maybe not quite *that* interesting. > >– COLD FIRE! — and the hands of Sailormars threw a flux of cold black >flames against Saturn's Plasma Stream. NYANKO: The hands didn't tell each other what they were doing, though, so they both missed and the Plasma Stream destroyed them. >The two streams of materialized altered bioplasma reached a deadlock. CROW: *Bio*plasma? What the hell? They're throwing artificial blood liquids around? MOUSE: That's sort of disgusting. > >– > >– > >– SIREN: - > >– I feel I cannot match your Plasma Stream yet! Please stop! > >– > >– ??? SIREN: The fanfic froze and isn't responding. > >– > >– HEY!, I SAID STOP! > >– NOT YET, MY LOVE! — and Saturn just did turn up her Purple Plasma Stream. NYANKO (Hotaru): I must kill you now so that our happy memories are never ruined! > >– I CANNOT STAND IT! CROW (Rei): I can't stand it! I just can't stand it! MOUSE: She's never going to impress the little yellow-headed girl. > >– YES YOU CAN!! SCALAR SHOCKWAVE!,... > >– WHAT YOU'RE DOING????? NOOOOOOO!!! NYANKO (Hotaru): ...I guess she *couldn't* stand up to my attack. Oops. > >– ...NOW!!! > >The explosion caused by the minimum intensity of the Scalar ShockWave would >have overkilled Sailormars if she was not protected by her Steam Shell. SIREN: But because of the Steam Shell, it just killed her normally. NYANKO: Hey, at least there's a body left to bury. > >– Wake up now you lazy bitch! Stand up! MOUSE: I think this is a dominant/submissive relationship here. > >– HEY! WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO YOU? > >– Stop complaining! Are you *hurt*? > >– > >– > >– No... Really not! NYANKO (Rei): In fact, I feel fine! Like nothing could OH MY GOD MY ARMS THEY'RE GONE! > >– Feel any pain? SIREN (Rei): Only from being in this fanfic. > >– ... No... I was not harmed at all! > >– And that was due to the *minimum* level of virtual solidity of your >new-born Steam Shell... MOUSE (Hotaru): Once it achieves *maximum* virtual solidity, it will be the perfect firewall for my computer system! >have understood, have *felt* why one must learn resistance before ever >learning strength? CROW: Gee, that would be sort of deep. If it had taken any time or effort for her to learn either. >Understood why you *had* to >learn the Steam Shell before learning the Cold Fire? SIREN (Rei): But I learned them both at the same time. CROW (Hotaru): Oh, wait... that's right. Whoops. Sorry, you're a goner. NYANKO: Then Rei explodes. >And keep in mind, in the end your Steam Shell will protect you against >Sailorpluto, but it won't pursue and won't defeat her! NYANKO (Hotaru): That's what the smart missiles are for! >The moment your Cold Fire is able to match my new Senshi Attacks is the >moment the two of us are able to destroy my fucky Setsuna-mama — MOUSE (Hotaru): And the moment my fucky Setsuna-mama murders us as a babies to prevent that from ever happening. >and only then we'll bring Revolution to this world. ALL: For the revolution of the world! NYANKO: I *wish* these chicks had died without being born. > >– Ya... I agree, but... why the heck... > >– Just because your actual enemy won't ever tell you what their strategy >is! CROW: So Hotaru is Rei's actual enemy, then? > >– > >– > >– I see... You're right. SIREN: Rei's brain processes things really slowly, doesn't it? > >– Yes, I know it... > >– !! > >– Listen: when I say that I love you, I mean that I will always help you to >do your best. And I do expect you will learn to do the same for me. MOUSE (Hotaru): We'll give each other pointers in bed. > >– OK... I guess the first lessons are meant to be "unforgettable", too. NYANKO (Hotaru): What lessons? > >– So to speak... How about a break for kissing? CROW (Hotaru): The moment your kisses can stand up to my rigorous standards is the moment the two of us are able to seduce and destroy my fucky Haruka-papa - and only then we'll bring Revolution to this world. NYANKO: ... > >– Nice idea! > >Mars' twenty-fifth Cold Fire Blast had been simply more than >"unforgettable": she just shot it at the ocean, and thus created a six >hundred meter high tidal wave; SIREN: Temperature changes produce kinetic force? CROW: Like I said, there go the penguins. >perfectly protected by the outshiningly bright-yellow aura of the Selective >Steam Shell, MOUSE: Man, I don't want to guess about the water that yellow steam came from... >that gigantic artificial tsunami really was an extremely scary >phenomenon... > >– Fuckingly beautiful!!! — Saturn exclaimed. MOUSE: Not regular beautiful? NYANKO: Nah, it just isn't beautiful unless it's fuckingly so. > >– Yes! it is!!!... Sailorsaturn!, in the name of Mars I'll punish anybody >who gets in our way — SIREN (Rei): Even myself! CROW: Oh, I think she'd rather have Hotaru punish her. >I swear! CROW: Yes, you do. Both of you. > > > >so what do you think? please review and letme know! ALL: ... CROW: Words... fail me. They really do. SUESS'S VOICE: In a case such as this, when there's nothing to say, There's a perfect strategem to drive cares away! If you're searching your words, and just nothing will do, Then make up some new ones, like "snat" or "galnuu"! CROW: A new word to describe this fanfic, huh? Let's see... MOUSE: How about, "wuxxy"? CROW: No, that's too cute sounding. How about... "narg"? SIREN: I don't think that brings the right image to mind... NYANKO: How about "crappy"? MOUSE: Yeah, maybe the old standards are best. ----- [Back on the bridge. The ANIMAMATES haven't gotten back yet. On the screen, GALAXIA is chatting with NAOKO TAKEUCHI.] GALAXIA: [casually] So, Naoko-san... my source of power, the Sapphire Crystal, is the greatest power in the galaxy, wouldn't you say? TAKEUCHI: [serenely] No, not really. GALAXIA: Uh huh. I assume by that, you mean "Yes." So, anyway, I have here a little document... it says, in summary, that my Sapphire Crystal is far more powerful than any other force in existance, including the Silver Crystal. And Chaos. All it needs is your signature to be official canon material... LOVECRAFT: [gibbering] Chaos! That last amorphous blight of nethermost confusion which blasphemes and bubbles at the center of all infinity! [GALAXIA and TAKEUCHI ignore LOVECRAFT.] TAKEUCHI: In terms of "power" as you think of it... the Sapphire Crystal, as the Crystal of Destruction, is about on a par with the Silver Crystal, the Crystal of Rebirth. GALAXIA: Yes, let's fix that, shall we? Just sign here on the line... [The ANIMAMATES enter the room from the double-doors.] NYANKO: Hey Galaxia, we're back! GALAXIA: What? Oh, you people. Done already? MOUSE: What do you mean, "already"? CROW: Yeah, that was interminable! GALAXIA: Well, hold on for a moment. I'm talking to our creator, Naoko Takeuchi here... I need her to confirm something we all already know. MOUSE: Hey, Naoko-sama! Can you confirm that I'm the cutest thing in existence? TAKEUCHI: Sure, why not. You're now officially the cutest thing in existence. MOUSE: Cool! [ALL stare at MOUSE for a second.] CROW: [raising her eyebrows] Wow, you really *are* cute, Iron Mouse. SIREN: Awwww! You're so adorable! MOUSE: [smugly] I know, chuu. [CROW and SIREN, staring at MOUSE, slowly move closer to her.] MOUSE: Uh... guys? What are you doing? [CROW and SIREN, on opposite sides of MOUSE, lean down and embrace her firmly, cuddling her between them. MOUSE, being very short, only comes up to about their stomachs.] MOUSE: [panicked] Guys? Hello? CROW: Sorry, Mouse. You're just so... adorable! I mean, look at that hair! SIREN: [happily] I just want to hold on to you all night! MOUSE: Yeah, I know, but restrain yourselves, 'kay? Unlike you two, I don't swing that way! NYANKO: Heh heh. Sucks to be you, Mouse. MOUSE: Hey, Nyanko, how come *you* aren't overcome by my cuteness? NYANKO: I don't like cute. SIREN: I do! MOUSE: Great. Ummm, Naoko-sama, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but could you tone my cuteness back some? TAKEUCHI: [laughing] Sure, Mouse. You can be the fourth-cutest thing in existence, right after Chibi-Chibi, Diana, and Clefairies. [CROW and SIREN blink and disengage from MOUSE.] CROW: Suddenly I lost the uncontrollable desire to cuddle you, Mouse. Thank God. TAKEUCHI & GALAXIA: [simultaneuously] You're welcome. [TAKEUCHI and GALAXIA glance at each other.] MOUSE: Whew, that's a relief. I don't want to be continually glomped by women all my life. There would be too much competition when I went after men. [thinking] Though then again, a lot of guys would find that attractive... Hmm... NYANKO: Thanks, Mouse. Thanks for that horrifying glimpse into your psyche. GALAXIA: [pulling her attention away] Anyway, Naoko-san... how about that gaining ultimate power thing? What do you think? TAKEUCHI: You do not have ultimate power. The ultimate power is the realization of the galaxy's Sailor Crystals as one. That is the Cosmos Crystal, making everything into the static Cosmos, the ultimate Lambda power. GALAXIA: [blinking] Really? You mean all I need to do is collect all the Sailor Cystals? Hell, I'm doing that anyway! TAKEUCHI: Er, no, what I meant is the realization of all their *hearts* as one... GALAXIA: Oh, fine, I'll take their Heart Crystals too. It's a little bit inconvenient, but I'll deal. Thanks a lot, Naoko-san! TAKEUCHI: But... but... [GALAXIA motions with her hand and the four authors are surrounded by phone booths and disappear. GALAXIA seems quite happy.] SIREN: Why did you send them away, Galaxia-sama? GALAXIA: I don't need new minions anymore. It's good to know that I'm on the right track in my conquest of space! CROW: And you don't think pissing off your original author might have some ramifications? GALAXIA: Nah. Naoko doesn't really have anything to do with the Sailor Moon franchise any more. I mean, what's she going to do, *not* draw a little dot-eyed sticker of me? CROW: ...good point, I guess... GALAXIA: Of course it is. Now, you are all dismissed. [The ANIMAMATES are teleported away by phone booths as well. GALAXIA pulls out some graph paper and a pen.] GALAXIA: Now, how to extract Heart Crystals from Star Seeds... ----- >Oh my cunt!, not that pain in my soul again, and not in *this* way, please! >Why the fuck I might not be blessed with the kindness of ignorance, the >bliss of unconsciousness? ----- Release 1.1: website link added for release on Everything What is Crap September 21, 2005