Sailor Moon and the Sailor Scouts meet Chris by Chris Caldwell MSTed by Seth C. Triggs (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) Well, folks...this is an ultra-lame self-insertion fic, which reeks a little bit of lemon content. We shall see. No offense is intended towards Chris, who decided to insert himself into this story. As a result, amny of the riffs will be aimed towards Chris, since he has committed the most unholy crime of self-insertion... On with the show!! [Roll Season 8 Theme] [Zoom in on the Unnamed Planet] PEARL: We're gonna stay here for a while, guys...I need to stretch my feet around. Bobo, before I tan your hinder again, do you want to try again and get me some *bad* fanfics? BOBO: Hoo!! Yes, Lawgiver!! [runs off] PEARL: We're gonna *really* get Mike and his little friends!!! BWAH, HAHAHAHAHA!! ...aw, I'm not good at that laughter. [commercials] [Unnamed Planet] [BOBO returns later, carrying a stack of papers, some of them covered with garbage.] BOBO: Hah, hah, Lawgiver...I have everything now!! PEARL: Okay, let's see...Bobo, this is great!! We're gonna really fry those twits now!! And here's a good one...a self-insertion Sailor Moon fanfic. Brain Guy!! Send it up now! OBSERVER: Oh, right, Pearl. [nods head] [SoL] [lights and klaxon go off] [MIKE, CROW and TOM run onscreen] CROW: What the hell? Is there a fire?!! TOM: No...it's...[looks at flashing lights] ALL: FANFIC SIGN!!! [Dog Bone, 6,5,4,3,2,*] [ALL take seats] MIKE: Well, I wonder what surprise we have today... Sailor Moon and the Scouts meet Chris by Chris Caldwell ALL: ARRRRRGGGHHHHHH!!! CROW: It's another self-insertion fic!!! This story happens before we know each other. This is how we met. This is how we feel in love. TOM: NO! Not another self-insertion *LEMON*!! MIKE: Well, he said *feel* in love. CROW: Well, that would be crap, then. This is Sailor Moon and the Scouts meet Chris... MIKE: What do you think is the title of this fic, guys? This story happens after the 200th episode, I mean right after it, the day after... TOM: Oh, good...maybe this fanfic will get nuked. Starring the voices of the NA Sailor Moon Cast... CROW: [announcer] With Pia Zadora...Billy Crystal...Ed McMahon...and Danny DeVito! Serena, Amy, Raye, Lita, Mina, and Darien had just been through the toughest battle of their lives... TOM: The Pepsi Challenge! Sailor Galaxia. She had tried to steal everyone's Starseeds... MIKE: The ones that kept winding up on the ground and her dugout. the source of everyone's energy...She even tried turing friends against one another. By my way of seeing things, she tried to minipulate Uranus CROW: [giggles] MIKE: Crow, we go through this every time. NO. and Neptune to turn against their friends and it worked for a while. TOM: [Sailor Moon] Neptune!!! You put shaving cream in my shampoo!! Waaaaahhh! Serena is thinking back to when Sailor Galaxia attacked her friends and took their Starseeds. She remembered how heartbroken she was when they disappeared. CROW: Awwwww. [yawn] She also remembered when she lost Darien. He was traveling to America in an airplane and all of a sudden, Galaxia appeared and taunted him. MIKE: [Galaxia, with a French accent] You stupid Japanese peeg-dogs!! I unclog my nose in your general direction!! He quickly transformeed into Tuxedo Mask, but before he could get to Galaxia, she had already taken his Starseed, he was now dead. TOM: Ehhh? CROW: Well, since all the other Scouts lost their Starseeds, shouldn't they be dead too? MIKE: Details, details... And even before this battle, Serena had lost her other friends: Mercury, Mars, Venus and Jupiter to the same fate, TOM: Man!! This is like a Victor Von Doom fic!! but once Serena had gotten through to Galaxia's good side, she was surprised to see her friends and was so happy that they had revived after the batlle... CROW: [bellowing] Through the magic of Animation!!! Serena went to meet Darien at the airport. (She was wearing the same clothes she had worn when Sailor Venus arrived. MIKE: Oh, boy...that cartoon character clothing syndrome. I can't describe it, you'll have to sdee it for yourself, she also wore it in many other episodes...) TOM: I've got it!! A cameltoe!! CROW: You're obsessed with the 70's, aren't you, Tom? Serena didn't think of the past anymore. Darien said, "Serena, now that our mission is over, I have to go to America, and study, but I will think of you always and I will miss our times together." MIKE: [Darien] I'll miss the fact that I save your butt in so many episodes that I've lost count. "So will I, Darien," Serena replied, "So will I!" They kissed passionately before he heard the call for his flight. TOM: [announcer] Flight 355 for Fanfiction hell now departing at Gate 2... Serena couldn't watch. She was so heartbroken again. She didn't know what to do. Returning back to the temple where Raye, Mina, Lita and Amy waited, she was full of thought. CROW: [Serena] Ow!! My head is going to explode!! Before she could utter another crying word, Amy said..."Serena, we have a surprise for you. We're going to America, too. Actually, Viriginia and Rockbridge County to be exact!" ALL: WHAT?!!! MIKE: Why the hell would Japanese students go to rural Virginia? (ed's note: I live in Natural Bridge, VA, and RC is about 30 miles away from me so I bet you can guess what's going to happen next) TOM: Dear God, this guy is *proud* of his self-insertion!! He's bragging about it!! CROW: I have a feeling this is gonna hurt. "Wh..."Serena was barely able to speak. "They wanted some transfer students from Japan to see what the American school system is like," Lita said. MIKE: So, they're going to a school in a small town in Western Virginia, to get an idea of the American school system. Okaaay... "And maybe it'll get your mind off of your troubles, Serena," Mina replied. TOM: What mind? MIKE: Guys, that joke is wearing a bit thin. "It'll be fun, Serena, give a try." Raye added. Soon it was time for their flight, but Serena was still hesitant. Luna said, "Go on, Serena, you'll have a great time in America, I bet." CROW: [Luna] Besides, Artemis and I can use this time to ourselves, nudge, nudge... wink, wink. MIKE: Crow... Artemis said, "Yeah, do it, remember you don't have to worry about the Negaverse anymore..." TOM: [Artemis] We've been canceled, and we're in syndication now. Serena was now relieved. She got in the plane and kept looking out of the window to see the lights outside. CROW: [Serena] Man!! I am so stoned!! She was so relaxed. All of her friends were falling asleep, too. MIKE: [Raye, gasping] Don't eat the fish...ugh! Pretty soon, they were flying over America. Serena and her friends had just woken up a few seconds before they were flying over America. TOM: [Serena] Cool!! Now we can visit the Eiffel Tower!! The stuwardess said, "Soon, we'll be landing in Virginia, so everyone please fasten your seatbelts and be ready to land in a few minutes." CROW: So...they're just landing in *Virginia*, not at Dulles, Norfolk, Richmond or any other cities. MIKE: [farmer] Aw, sher...just set her down in the field!! (Another Ed's note, this airplane is not like any other, this plane moves very fast and very smooth...) TOM: [author] ...when the engines cut off and the plane does a nosedive... MIKE: Boy, you've been pretty dark recently, Tom. The stuwardess said again, "We've arrived in Virginia now, put your seat in the full upright position and fasten your seat belts." CROW: But if they've *arrived*, as opposed to *approaching*, why don't they take off their seatbelts and exit the plane? TOM: Nitpick, nitpick, nitpick. Chris was one of the members of his drama class to be waiting on the Scouts. We all had made signs so they would know that we were the ones. "Over there, it's them! " Chris screamed with delight. MIKE: [Stimpy] I'm so happy I can hardly contain myself!! "They're the Japanese Transfer students." Melvin said. ALL: *MELVIN*? AAARGGGHHHH!! "How do you know that?" Molly asked. (Another ed's note, for the purpose of this story, Molly and Melvin live in Virginia CROW: I guess that's how she got that horrible accent, then. and Melvin, although he's still as smart as he is on the show, doesn't know who Serena is in this story.) TOM: Doesn't a large amount of contrivance destroy the space-time continuum? MIKE: It should. "Well, you've watched anime, right?" Melvin asked. "Yeah, so..." Molly replied. "That's what they dress up like in Japan." CROW: Mel-boy, could you be a little more specific? The sailor fukus are only for the schoolgirls. I was the first to welcome Serena, Amy, Raye, Mina and Lita. MIKE: The wonder of self-insertion... "Hi," Serena shouted as she saw the signs. "Oh, Serena!" Raye whispered under her breath. She couldn't believe she would hollar that loud all over the airport. TOM: I dunno, looked more like *just said* to me. When Serena and her friends approached Chris and the others, Serena introduced themselves..."I'm Serena, this is Mina, Raye, Lita, and..." "Amy?" Chris asked. "Chris?" Amy wondered. ALL: WHAT?!!! MIKE: ...the hell? CROW: Okay, I call no way!! It's just too contrived!! And he shouldn't know Japanese *anyway*!! "Nice to meet you after all this time!" Everyone wanted to know what was going on, Chris explained, "I've been e-mailing Amy a lot and we've become pretty good friends. She told me they all were coming, but I didn't have any idea of what they looked liked." TOM: [Scouts] *Who*'s coming? MIKE: According to the paragraph, Amy and Chris...wha? CROW: Maybe he meant...MMMMPPPHH! MIKE: [with hand over CROW's mouth] No. Amy continued, "We've been e-mailing for over a year now and Chris has wanted to meet us and he also wanted us to meet his friends." TOM: [Amy] Oh, and they guys he hangs out with, too. MIKE: Tom... Well, this was a switch, Amy not telling her friends she knew someone in America. CROW: Huh? "Chris wanted you to be surprised, Serena, he asked for me not to tell you, because he knew how you felt about Darien leaving for America as well. He wanted to get your mind off of your troubles." MIKE: Shouldn't be any problem lifting something that small. BOTS: Oh, good one, Mike. Amy and Chris shake hands. The others still look at them strangely. TOM: [Scouts] No, she *didn't*!! MIKE & TOM: [make various murmuring noises] Then, they got into this big conversation and who knows what was said, but it seemed like everyone was having a good time. CROW; A conversation that is infinitely better than this fic. Then, since each of them needed a place to stay, Chris's fellow classmates decided who would stay where. TOM: Classic setup for a lemon... CROW: [Marv Albert] YES! MIKE: CROW!! Serena would stay with Molly, Lita would stay with Brooke, Amy would stay with Jesse, MIKE: Why doesn't Amy stay with Chris, since they'll probably wind up rolling on the floor later tonight. Mina would stay with Ann, and Raye would stay with Sarah. It was all agreed upon. CROW: It has to. It's self-insertion. Deal with it. Many days passed, and Serena and her friends were enjoying their stay. TOM: IfyaknowwhatImean!! MIKE: Tom... TOM: Mike, you know about the questionable nature of this fic. You *know* what's going to happen!! MIKE: Good point. They wanted to stay here in America. TOM: What? CROW: Just smile and nod, guys. Sarah was into the same stuff Raye was into, but she didn't do it much like Raye did. MIKE: Weed...helping to bind together new friends. TOM: Brought to you by the Marijuana Council. Amy and Jesse both loved to read books. Serena and Molly both loved to shop and pig out on food. Lita and Brooke enjoyed keeping things ckean. Mina and Ann were always trying to get a boy to notice them, so it all turned out great. CROW: So Virginia is the land of convenient plot contrivances. (Have I failed to mention that when Serena and her friends came to America, so did Luna and Artemis?, Well, now you know..) MIKE: Do we really care? Luna and Artemis stayed with Chris to keep him company. Luna told Artemis one day, "I have a strange feeling about Chris." TOM: [Luna] NEGAVERSE EVIL!! Kill the jerk!! CROW: [Artemis] No, actually his evil is self-insertion. "Oh, really?" Artemis asked. "Is it a Negaverse feeling or another feeling?" "No, not a Negaverse feeling for sure, it's a feeling like I had when I first noticed Serena was Sailor Moon." MIKE: Oh, no...it's only a matter of time now... CROW: Somebody's been taking pointers from Oscar. "I wonder if he has something to do with the Moon Kingdom?" TOM: Either that, or he's a Super Saiyan-jin. So, one day, Luna and Artemis got together with the scouts and told them of what they suspected. TOM: [Luna] I suspect that Chris is using contrivances to get you guys in bed with him!! MIKE: Tom! TOM: Hey, I'm right!! CROW: I wouldn't doubt it. Raye couldn't use the great fire like she had at home in Japan, but she was able to figure out something that must remain a secret until the end of the story (or near the end...) ALL: BOOOO!!! TOM: Now he's trying to break the fourth wall!! "I knew it," Luna said finally. "What?" All the scouts gasped. "Chris is someone very important to the Moon Kingdom." CROW: Allright, who was surprised by this? TOM: Not me. MIKE: This I've *got* to see! Mina, Raye, and Serena got this shock of extreme pain. "What's happening to them?" Lita asked. "Since Chris is part of the Moon Kingdom, why didn't his name shock all of us?" Amy asked. MIKE: Uhhhhh...wha? "Well," Artemis replied, "It's because he was very special to all of you, but to Princess Serena, Mina, and Raye he was something much more. TOM: What the hell? CROW: This story is more contrived than "Minako: Warrior, Princess, Sidekick?!?!"! You see, before the Moon Kingdom was attacked, Chris was able to walk and everything he wishes to do now and he was in love with Serena, Mina, and Raye, and they, in turn, were in love with him, MIKE: [Artemis] You buy that? but Queen Serenity knew Chris wasn't as strong as Prince Darien, so she wanted Darien and Serena together. The night before the Negaverse attacked, Chris danced with Serena, Mina, and Raye and it was the happiest time of his life. MIKE: [Artemis] Still with me? Just like you were protectors of your own plantes TOM: [Serena] But my plants can protect themselves!! you protected him from harm many times. When you were presummed dead on the Moon, Chris couldn't stand it, Luna and I were sent first, and when we left, it looked like Queen Serenity was dead, too, but she got enough strength to send Chris on his way to earth, too." ALL: WHAT?!!! TOM: [sputtering] Logic sequencers...overloading...must survive...[head explodes] CROW: Damn. We made it through aboout 5 fics without this happening. The shock finally stopped for Serena, Mina, and Raye. MIKE: [Raye] Well, it's just self-insertion... Luna continued, "You were to marry him, while Mercury and Jupiter protected you, but it was not to be. That is why you haven't meet Chris until now. He was to wait until all the enemies from the Negaverse were defeated and then, he, Serena, Mina and Raye could get married, and Amy and Lita would protect them for all time." CROW: [commercial announcer] Yes, by having self-insertion, you can have cute anime girls fawning all over you AND get three wives!! Only with self-insertion! "I wonder why we never knew of this before?" Mina asked. MIKE: Because most of yur previous authors didn't write themselves up as ultra- cool characters. [TOM gets up, his dome cracked and smoldering] "Like Luna said, it wasn't time for him to be revealed to us. We must reveal ourselves to him as Sailor Scouts, and then come back sometime later and tell him the truth." Raye stated. CROW: Shouldn't the universe be collapsing upon itself right about now? "Then I will use the Luna Mind-Meld to reawken his memories of his past life," Luna said. "Okay, let's do it, Chris should be here anytime now." MIKE: [sarcastic] Boy, I never saw that coming. CROW: The tension is tearing me apart. They transformed and when Chris entered the room...Sailor Moon began by saying... "I'm Sailor Moon..." TOM: [Serena] And you're not. MIKE: Glad to have you back, Tom. TOM: Just give me a sec to get myself together... "and were the scouts and we'll punish you on behalf of the Moon, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter and Venus." CROW: [Scouts] We've had ENOUGH of self-insertion fics!!! ALL: YEAH!!! SMITE HIS ASS!!! "What did I do know?" Chris asked. MIKE: You wanna tell him, Crow? CROW: Nah, too easy. The lights turned on and there standing in front of him were the scouts. "What are you doing here, Scouts?" TOM: [Scouts] In the name of good fanfiction, we shall now smite your happy butt! "Well," Sailor Venus said, "We've heard a lot about you and we wanted to meet you." CROW: Self-insertion is hell. "Don't you have Nega-villians to fight in Japan?" Chris asked, pondering. "No, they're all gone, and that's why we're here!" Sailor Mercury replied. MIKE: [Mercury] We're unemployed, so we need you to get us a job. "Yeah, we heard how you've kept up with our adventures and how loyal you are to our show!" Sailor Mars said. TOM: The HELL! If they're talking to him in person, and their show is a cartoon, yet Chris is actually from the Moon Kingdom...how can this HAPPEN? CROW: Tom, settle down or you'll blow up again!! "We even wanted to be in your plays, too." Lita added. CROW: [Lita] Nudge, nudge..wink, wink... "We also heard what a big crush you had on Moon, Mars and Venus!" Amy said, ] as Sailor Moon, Mars and Venus came over to Chris. He was suprised when they hugged him and kissed him. ALL: ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!! MIKE: Damn you, Pearl!!! ARRGGGHHHH!! He hadn't felt love like that in a very long time. TOM: NO! This is just SO wrong!! CROW: [shrugs] Well, at least it's not Artemis and Luna doing the kissing. MIKE: You're not helping, Crow. "Wow, thanks! I really do need you for my plays, but where am I going to find someone to play your alter-egos unless..." CROW: [Chris] Isn't it ironic that I mentioned *egos*? Huh, huh...I kill me! "Chris, prepare yourself for a shock," Sailor Mars said, as they transformed back into their normal selves..."We're the Sailor Scouts." TOM: [Chris] Thanks, but I wrote the story. I know already. "I can't believe it, but what does this have to do with me?" Chris asked. "Well," Luna said, "Perhaps I can explain." "Luna?" Chris asked. MIKE: Okay, so he recognizes Luna, yet he didn't recognize the scouts. Yeah, okay. "Yes," and she proceded to tell Chris of his past with the scouts in the Moon Kingdom. "I guess this is why I was never able to keep a girlfriend, huh?" CROW: [Chris] Besides the fact that I obsessed over a cartoon and inserted myself into a story so that I could score with you... "I have used the Luna Mind-Meld on you so you should remember your past with the Princesses of the Moon, Mars and Venus." "Oh, I do, Luna. It's just so weird!" TOM: It's interesting that he can comment on his own work. ALL: We hear you, Chris. "It's all weird to all of us, Chris," Mina said. "We've told our friends, Brooke, Sarah, Jesse, Molly and Ann our true secret and they have aggreed not to say anything about us,"Raye said, MIKE: [Raye] ...in exchange for you becoming their personal eunuch. "and since we're all here to protect you, we have asked Luna to give our powers to our new friends so that we may live and have a peaceful live with you. They aggreed to this, also." CROW: [Raye] Well, they were *written* as agreeing with it... The new Scouts came in... "Molly, from now on you will be Sailor Moon, "Serena said. TOM: NANI? "Brooke, from now on you'll be Sailor Jupiter, "Lita said. "Ann, from now on you'll be Sailor Venus," Mina said. "Sarah, from now on you'll be Sailor Mars," Raye said "And Jesse, from now on you'll be Sailor Mercury, "Amy said. "Serena, doesn't this mean you'll have to tell Darien?" Chris asked. MIKE: Chris must live in a skewed dimension where self-insertion is all- powerful. CROW: A dimension not of sight or sound, but of CRAP! "It does. He promised to meet me here tonight and I'm going to tell him everything, Chris!" Serena said with confidence in herself. TOM: How the HELL did they contact Tux so fast anyway? MIKE: Tom, don't nitpick. It's better for you. "This is major cool, " Molly said, "We're the Sailor Scouts now!" "I have always dreamed of being a Sailor Scouts ever since I heard of their exploits!" Brooke said. CROW: [Brooke] And *exlpoitation*! "But don't we need someone to protect us?" Ann asked. "You already have him, " Lita answered. "It's me," Chris said. "I'm Tuxedo Chris, ALL: AARRRRGGGHHH!!! TOM: Yes, from the makers of Tuxedo Wesley, and Sailors Babylon and Xena, it's Tuxedo Chris! MIKE: Must...control...Fist of Death! even though I haven't worn or will wear a tuxedo." CROW: [Chris] Actually, you can call me Flannel Pajamas Chris. Later that day, Serena and Darien meet for the very last time... ever. She told him of what they found out about Chris and his past with her, Raye, and Mina. He couldn't believe it. The King of the Earth didn't prepare them for this. TOM: Hey, leave Bill Gates out of this! "But," He told her, "I have fell in love with someone else, too, Serena, Andrew's sister...Lizzy. MIKE: What?! CROW: The PAIN!!! When will it end?? Rini is very special to both of us, because we're her parents, and she knows what has happened here, she will always care for both of us, she will live with me and Lizzy, but you can come visit her everyday, if you'd like!" TOM: NO!! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT TUX-BOY BOINKED ANDREW'S SISTER AND PRODUCED RINI!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! [head explodes again] CROW: [Scotty] I canna take much more of this, cap'n! "Yeah, I'd enjoy that very much, and maybe one day we can understand what has happened to us this last few days." MIKE: Two words: Self insertion. "Your destiny is fulfilled, " Luna said, proudly. "Molly, Jesse, Ann, Brooke and Sarah, you will need to always be ready for when Artemis and I need you. CROW: There's a certain hermaphrodite we want "taken care of". MIKE: Crow..., There are always new evils lurking about, but I'm sure you all can handle these." MIKE: [Luna] If not, we can always find another obsessed fanboy to insert himself into the fanfic and save us! "After what we've been through these last few days, we can all use some rest, " Raye said, and then something magical happened, all the scouts were wearing their dresses that they were supposed to be wearing on the day Chris, Serena, Mina, and Raye were to get married, MIKE & CROW: [nod dumbly] Uh, huh... Chris was standing, for the first time in his life without the help of a walker and he was very happy. They all went to this nearby hill and looked over the city at which they had protected ro so long, and then looked at their new friends with confidence. CROW: [Scouts] As soon as we reach the cliff, dump Chris over it... They knew the Sailor Scouts legend would go on for many generations to come. This is where our story ends and the legend begins... MIKE: I don't want to know. Let's get out of here. [picks up TOM] [*,2,3,4,5,6, Dog Bone] [MIKE and CROW are sitting behind the desk, with TOM laying down on top. TOM's dome is still shattered.] MIKE: Okay, Crow...well, let's fix up Tom, and try to forget what we just saw in there. So, what have we learned today? CROW: Self-insertion is evil. MIKE: Good. Here's a ram chip. [red MADs light flashes] [Unnamed Planet] PEARL: Ah, Nelstone...I'm glad you're up...because your time is running out!! I've got the worst lemon you could sink your teeth into right here. Sleep well... you'll need it! Ha, ha...HAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAH!!! OBSERVER and BOBO: [joining in] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! PEARL: Night-night! [fade to credits] mst3k created by JOEL HODGSON mst3k produced by BEST BRAINS, INC. riffs written by SETH C. TRIGGS original fanfic written by CHRIS CALDWELL Mystery Science Theater 3000 is ©1997, 1998 Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. This MSTing is a work of fiction based on another work of fiction. No infringement is implied or intended, and certainly no offense, for this is a harmless satire. Even to Chris Caldwell, despite the fact that he has practiced self-insertion. Sailor Moon is copyright to Naoko T. and DIC. All rights reserved. Keep circulating the fics 11 February 1998 > "But don't we need someone to protect us?" Ann asked. > "You already have him, " Lita answered. > "It's me," Chris said. "I'm Tuxedo Chris, even though I haven't worn or will wear a tuxedo."