The Origin of Hachi Machi WRITTEN BY: Hachi Machi, the Chunky Monkey!!! MSTIED BY: Seth C. Triggs a.k.a. Lefty HOST SEGMENT BY: J. D. Gibson a.k.a. Blaine Seth C. Triggs: No comment, nuff said! J. D. Gibson: AARRRGHHH!!!! LEGAL STUFF: All the characters and concepts of Mystery Science Theater 3000 belong to Best Brain Inc. Please do not sue for the characters are borrowed and we have no claim on them or Lex Lugar's too sweet pecs. Now, on with the show... __________________________________________________________________________ [Roll Season 9 Theme] [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, bone] The bridge is decorated in Japanese style and there is a crude crayon drawing of Jusynkyo on the wall to one side. Mike is dressed like Ranma and Crow is dressed like Akane. They are pretending to spar. "Hi people," says Mike. "We decided to do some RPing and find out what's wrong with Ranma." "Yeah," says Crow. "He has all these girls that want him, and it bothers him. Plus he refuses to admit that he loves Akane. I mean, is he afraid of good fortune?" "We figured that maybe by role playing, we could figure it out." Mike says. While he is talking, Crow tosses water on him. Mike quickly switches wigs to a red one and puts two balloons in his shirt. Commercial Sign lights flash. Mike says in a faked female voice, "We'll be right back." [Commercials: Tomb Raider 4 is out. It's called "Lara's Quest for the Bust Cream of the Gods: They Must be Bigger!!"] [SOL] "You are so uncute!" says Mike. "You pervert!" says Crow. Tom comes in dressed like Happosai. He is carrying a sack with undies from his own collection. "Whata haul! Whata haul!" He snags Crow's panties. "Hey!" says Crow. "Why did you have on panties, Crow?" asked Mike. "And don't tell me because it was part of the costume because the script doesn't have you showing them." "Umm, well..." [MAD's Lights flash] Crow looks relieved, "Uh oh, its Jabber Jaw and the Neptunes." Hits button. [Castle Forrester] Pearl walks up. "OK, Nelstone, time for..." she then sees Mike dresses as Ranma-chan, with boobs and everything. "Oooookay. Anyway, time for the invention exchange." [SOL] Mike is baffled. "Huh? But we don't usually do the exchange." [CF] "Well, I decided to do at least one. Didn't you get the message? I told Tom a week ago." [SOL] "Oh, that's right..." says Tom. "Mike, Pearl wants an invention for today." Mike gives Tom a dirty look. "Thanks." "Wait, I have an idea." Crow runs offstage. [CF] "Ok, then. I'll go first." Pearl motions and Bobo and Observer. They wheel in a large machine. It looks similar to the time machine in "Terror From the Year 5000". "This is a Furry Maker." Pearl says. She walks over and indicates a knob. "When you want to turn an animal into a furry, you turn this to the 'Animal' setting. The machine will give the animal human genes and, well the rest is self-explanatory. If you want to furryize a human, you turn the knob to 'Human', add 500 milligrams of an animal's DNA to the tank," indicates a cap which is a gas nozzle from a car. "...And you have one more reason to buy a pooper scooper. OK, your turn." [SOL] "OK." Mike said. "This is an invention that Crow brought up from the basement. Joel made it but never used it." The bots wheel out a TV. "It's a TV that plays only 'Three's Company'." Mike smiles sheepishly. [CF] "You call that a good invention?" says Observer. "What idiot would want that?" Bobo jumps toward the screen. "Hoo hoo, Lawgiver! Can we get one!!" "And my question is answered," says Observer. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. A 30-year-old man with a red and white cap and blue bib overalls walks in. He has a chimp that is dressed the same. "Hi, I'm Spritle. Are you saved by God? The time of Judgment is close at hand." Spritle holds up a pamphlet. "Spritle and Chim Chim?" Pearl asks. "What are you doing?" "Well, like most seventies stars, we've fallen into obscurity and this is the only work we can find." Bobo is standing with is mouth open and hearts in his eyes. "What's the matter?" Observer asks. "As a youth, I had a crush on Chim Chim." Bobo tells him. Observer steps back from Bobo. "I...I...I never knew..." he says. "No, you got it wrong," says Bobo. "Chim Chim was like Lassie. He was played by the opposite sex. Chim Chim is really a girl." A very dim, flickering lightbulb flashes above Bobo's head as he looks from the chimp to the Furry Maker. Observer turns away muttering, "Fanape..." Pearl turns to the screen. "Well, time for the experiment. Its called 'The Origin of Hachi Machi' and it's guaranteed to go down hard." Observer wiggles his head. [SOL] [Lights and klaxons go off] "WE HAVE MONKEY SIGN!! AHHHH!!!!" [Bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, *] > Hi Again Creatons and Macabre misers. MIKE: Croutons and Macadamia nuts? CROW: Somehow I doubt it. > Wellcome to another of my fis. I have > a ver y spescial treat for yoy today, children. TOM: [Hachi Machi] Watch me pull a rabbit outta my ass! Ever wonder where I came > from. Well time for you o get an education. This is a ifc about my origin. > Sit back, fire upa joint, take a toke and enjoy. CROW: [stoner] Dude, you didn't mention bongs! MIKE: Hachi Machi forgetting that important piece of drug paraphanelia? What is the world coming to? TOM: [sighs] Perverts today... > Hachi Machi, the Chunky Monkey!!!! > Reveils CROW: Well, you shouldn't have taken it off in the first place! > "The Bith of Hachi Machi" MIKE: The *what* of Hachi Machi? TOM: The Bitching of Ben Wagner... > One day, Curious george was in the kitchen. HE waas fuixing an omlette for > breakfast. TOM: Ewwwwww!!! MIKE: I don't think that's what he meant... CROW: [Man in the Yellow Hat] Boy, these eggs sure taste salty... MIKE & TOM: EYUCK, CROW!!! > Wille Gearge worked, MIKE: ... he was the senior miner in Indiana County, Pennsylvania, but back to the story. > he acidently shit in the omlettes and > cooked it in. CROW: Yeah, that'll happen. TOM: So what? He was standing in the skillet? MIKE: *sizzle* CROW: [George] Ow. This hurts. > The Man with the Yellow Hat sat down and started to red the paper > nad TOM: Then he added some green, and he had a lovely paper testicle. > eat the eggs/. Soome he tasted something familiar. MIKE: [Man] Did you spike the eggs with chloroform again, George? > He quickly spat it > iout and grabbed George by the tail. HE started tio beat George atlll > aboiut the head and throw him around the room. CROW: Literally "spanking the monkey". TOM: Quota on masturbation jokes, guys... MIKE: [George] Hey! Who do you think you are? Ike Turner? > Soon George was bleeding out > the ears. TOM: That's nice to know, really it is. > This was normal the man witht eh yella hot oftern beat George, CROW: [Man, ala Yosemite Sam] I hates monkeys! > but this time somthingf sanpepd. Georges lept at trhe man with the yelalao > fhat MIKE: Yeah, that was one fhat motha- BOTS: Shut yo' mouth! MIKE: Just talkin' about the Man... BOTS: We can dig it! > and bit him in te eyes. CROW: Seeing that they were conveniently on stalks... > HE then ripped his face off and killed the man > til he was really dead. TOM: Kinda redundant, eh? MIKE: [Saddam Hussein from Hot Shots 2] I'll kill you until you die from it! > George ran out hr e CROW: [French accent] Oui oui, let's hr e!! > door and intoit he city. TOM: He had an intuition about the city? MIKE: This is starting to read like a Dr. Thinker fic... > Groge soon came across a a little girl whow CROW: WOW! It's EXCITING! COOOL! MIKE: Yes... but now back to George. > as having a tee party > with her dollys. TOM: Unfortunately, they kept rolling away. > George cam e over asnd sat down. THe little girl was > delighted. CROW: [girl] Oh, goody! A deranged monkey with blood on his hands and in his mouth! Nothing could possibly go wrong! > George drank the water her thought was tea an dsson he peed. MIKE: So George drank the water she thought was Tea Andersson who peed? TOM: Uggghh... [head smokes] > The girl screammed and scolded him. HE started humping a dooll and then her > leg. MIKE: Fortunately, she had some neighbors from Mississippi, who knew how to deal with such a contingency... > Hse screame and kicked him away. HE got mad and bite at her sna d kil CROW: How could he! He bit at the snad kil! What a monster! [pause] Uhhh... what's a snad kil? TOM: Well, since he bit *at* the snad kil it gave her ample opportunity to *run*. > her and defilre d her dead body. MIKE: He defiltered it? CROW: [George] Say hello to more dangerous dust particles and microorganisms! BWAHAHAHAHHA!! > George ran away again and went to the shapopping mall. ALL: [singing, ala Hanson] Sha... popp... Sha-popp... Sha-popp... > He ran in and > shit on all the expensive, redickulusly priced TOM: Comparably priced for dicks everywhere! > hi fashined clothes. MIKE: [redneck] Damn ya with yer new-fangled hi-fashined clothin' and stuff... > A > faggot clerk said, hay. CROW: ... is for cattle? > George looked at him. TOM: [George] Sorry, "faggot" clerk... I need some matches, not sticks. > The clerk said "You pay." MIKE: [Korean merchant] Fi doll-a. > George flipped the fairy off and the gaywad sauid "I fuck you too." CROW: He's kinda like a homosexual Henry Chan. > George kille dj=himms TOM: D'jamanea? > nad ripped his dick off. MIKE: ... it being attached by Velcro... CROW: [lightly hums the melody of "Detachable Penis".] > HE carre dit to the > food court and dropepd it in a fatwomans hotdog bun. He laughed as she ate > it. TOM: Oh, the tension! Will Curious George take a dump in something? Will he mutilate someone! CROW: I am literally on the edge of my seat. > He ran outside and there was an extremely evil looking Etalian with > a big greasy hair and handlbar mustache. MIKE: Raul Julia? CROW: No, he's Puerto Rican. TOM: So where's Etalia? CROW: Northwest of the Ukraine. > "You do a gooda job." He said. > He gave george as banana and a little red hat. "Ia lika you style." TOM: [stereotyped man] We a make a greata team, goomba. > George > started dancing as the Man With the Black Mustache played an accordian. CROW: Happy Kine won't like this one bit... > When people gave George money, He threw shit at them. MIKE: So George is a Republican? TOM: OW!! > Th eMan With the Black > Mustache laughed at this. CROW: The Man With The Black Mustache, however, was not too thrilled and killed George. > Soon they wnet ALL: AAAAAH!! Not more Overdrawn at the Memory Bank!! > home. The Man opened a door to a > shack. Inside was a corsaado rthat lled to Hell. MIKE: A corsage? TOM: [Man] Here's a seta carnations to-a send you on-a your way! > The Man with the black > Mustache was Satan. CROW: He was headhunting for Microsoft. > HE gavbve Georgea a new name. HACHI MACHI, THE CHUNKY > MONKEY!!!!! MIKE: Ah, that's why Georgia is so weird. > He gave Hach I Machi the abbility roi talks TOM: Roid monkey? > and ewritter great > storyies. CROW: He also wrote this story. > Hachi Machi then lived in Infammy and was infamous. MIKE: Brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department. > THE END TOM: Yay. > So you like it? I knew you would. CROW: We didn't say yes, Flo-bee. > Now don't think I forgot all me Hentai > fans out there. MIKE: [Captain Cracker] Aye... ye'll walk the plank, ya pussy lover! > Heres a quick Lemon flavored treet just for all you adoring > fans. TOM: [Hachi Machi] All one of you. CROW: Counting his little friends. > "Hachi Machi does the Sailor Scouts" MIKE: Next: Hachi Machi does Dallas. > Hachi Machi found himself in Japan. TOM: That damn Galaxia had stolen his soul... > HE went to Reis Temple. CROW: The Mormons within beat his ass. > "I'm bored lets go to the mall and giggle and look at boys and maybe > get our butts kicked by a monster and get saved by a Tuxedo wearin g a wimp > "Serena said. MIKE: [Serena] *puff* *huff* *gasp* TOM: This is taking that dub cliché a bit far... > "Awwww" Minako said" We do that everyday..." CROW: Talk incessantly? > Hachi walked in. "Lookat eh monkeyy. I saw a monkey doing a woman > in the internet when I was lookeing a t Bestiality sites" wsaid Mercury. TOM: [Mercury] The hard part was getting them into the phone lines! MIKE: Instant classic, Tom. TOM: Thanks! > Hachi heart wthis anfd waved his dick at thenm. Thje y laughed. CROW: [Sailor Moon] Oh, he's a mime! > Hes so cute,. He started humping Usagi. MIKE: That's one fast monkey! TOM: He was going to compete for the U.S. in the Olympics, but got busted for drug use. > The others laughed. CROW: [Scouts] Haha... Rape is fun! TOM: I guess the Sailor Scouts got possessed again... > "Hey you little fleabag. Oh OK." She stripped and he tooke her doggy stile > whille the others cheer. Soome Hachi tooke th erest of them and made theem > do each other. ETHey ltret him satay. MIKE: Satay! CROW: Miroslav Satan? He is a fast-rising NHL star, but that's not important now. > The next day, he saw them fighting a big redhed woman anme berol. TOM: Anme Berol? Must be the wife of the ballpoint pen magnate. > HE fuked bereol and she decides to keep him as pet and not kill world aso in > way Hachi machi wsaved th eworld. MIKE: But later, Beryl kicked his ass and blew up the planet. The end. CROW: No, this is her good clone, Bereol. > THE END > Ta da da. There you go. Another e Masterrbgateing Masterpeace. TOM: Ta da da da... da da da da... hey-ey-ey... goodbye! > All hail Tsunai and Oscar for I will carry on his noble taask. MIKE: Shouldn't that be his and his/her noble task? CROW: Whatever. > Sieg Hail. And kill the gays. MIKE: He has all the love and compassion of Fred Phelps. TOM: Or Bob Guerin. > 1/2/99 CROW: Do not read after this date. TOM: Let's run... [ALL leave the theater] [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, bone] Mike and the bots walk onto the bridge and look at the screen. "Hey," says Mike. "Something's going on below." [CF] The Furry Maker is flashing. Bobo is standing by it, looking happy. Pearl and Observer are holding back Sprittle. "What are you doing to Chim Chim!" Spritle screams. An egg timer goes off and the machine settles down. The door opens a crack and a furry hand sexily reaches out. Bobo eagerly hands it a silk robe. The robe goes into the machine and Chim Chim steps out wearing it. She has become an extremly slender ape woman. Everyone except Pearl oogles at her. "My love!" Bobo opens his arms to her. She runs past him into Spritle's arms. Bobo just keeps his position, tears starting to pour down his cheek. "Chim Chim?" says Spritle as she throws her arms around him. "Oh, Spritle," she says. "I love you. I just never could tell you so I was content just staying with you." "Chim Chim!" "Spritle!" Spritle and Chim Chim kiss. Pearl and Observer smile as they leave. "Awwww..." Bobo is in the corner, curled in a fetal position and crying. [Credits. Bobo's sobbing is heard over the ending theme.] MST3K created by JOEL HODGSON MST3K produced by BEST BRAINS, INC. Riffs written by SETH C. TRIGGS (trigsc41@buffalostate,edu) Host segments written by J.D. GIBSON (Blaine@vnet.net) Original fanfic written by HACHI MACHI, THE CHUNKY MONKEY!!!! Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyright 1998 Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. This MSTing is a work of fiction based upon another work of fiction. Mom...my nuts? Keep circulating the fics 6 January 1999 > Sit back, fire upa joint, take a toke and enjoy.