[MSTed:] Helping Paws...by Didjeridoo Hi, folks, this is my third MSTing, and it is a doozy! This lemon is actually very well-written. The problem, you ask? It's with...Totoro! WHY? Now, mind you, I've never seen the movie "My Neighbor Totoro", but I have seen pictures, and I just can't imagine what this girl is smoking. All told, this will be quite a challenging MSTing, for there is no basis for grammar flames, my favorite. Oh, well. On with the show... -Seth C. Triggs [Roll Season 8 Theme] [*,1,2,3,4,5,6, Dog Bone] [Satellite of Love] [All present at the desk. MIKE, CROW and TOM are very dejected.] TOM: Why? Why did you have to piss off Pearl, Crow? CROW: Aw, can it, Servo, I'll bet she won't be able to find another Oscar lemon. MIKE: Well, maybe she might give us another Sailor Moon lemon. TOM: Well, all I know is that I can't take anymore of that! MIKE: Hang in there, buddy! Eventually we'll make it throu-- [Alarm Bells and klaxon go off] GYPSY: We've been hit! Man battle stations! CROW: What?! MIKE: Cambot! Give me Rocket Number 9! [Exterior of SoL. A small, cheap looking flying fish ship is firing what looks like negative scratches at the SoL.] TOM: No! It can't be! MIKE: We'll be right back. [commercials] [SoL] TOM: Guys, I have a bad feeling about this! [Hexfield Viewscreen flashes on, with the grim visage of none other than Krankor, from "Prince of Space"] ALL: AAAAHHHHH! YOU!!!! KRANKOR: Yes, it's me...Huha...huha..hhhhuuuha! MIKE: Hey! I thought that you died on the chicken planet! What gives? KRANKOR: I am here to kill you and take over the universe!! [KRANKOR fires one of those negative scratches at the SoL.] CROW: We've been hit again! Man the Chicken Cannon! TOM: AYE, SIR! MIKE: Ready? Aim! FIRE! [Chicken Cannon fires at KRANKOR and he blows up real good.] CROW: [Shatner] Okay, Mr. Sulu...Take us home. [Red MADs light flashes] MIKE: Oh, great. It's the Jolly Green Giant and the Two Stooges. [hits button] [Winged Microbus of Doom] PEARL: Well, babies, did you play nice? [SoL] TOM: [sarcastic] Well, it wasn't *EXACTLY* play, was it?!! [WMoD] PEARL: Awww. Did it hurt much? I guess you know what time it is now, huh, red boy? BRAIN GUY: You mean... BOBO: The expiriment...? PEARL: Boy, you guys are slow. Anyway, this time I'm not sending an Oscar lemon like I promised, but this one might be an adequate substitute...it is a lemon with Totoro, spirit of the woods or something like that. It's called "Helping Paws", and I'm sure that you'll need to be helped off the floor after this one! Enjoy! [SoL] MIKE:[sputtering] A-A-A ll-lemon with *T-T-T-Totoro*?!!! TOM: AAARRRGHGGHHH!!!! [head explodes] CROW: No, Tom, save it for the fic. [lights and klaxon go off] ALL: WE'VE GOT LEMON SIGN! [Dog Bone,6,5,4,3,2,1,*] CROW: Guys, I have a feeling this is gonna hurt. didjeridoo@teamhbbs.com (DIDJERIDOO) ALL: [singing] That cheeky mate from Greenpatch Hill! TOM: He's Blinky Bill! Author's note to anime fen: I originally posted this last year. MIKE: [as Author] After reading Oscar's work, I figured that anybody could write this stuff. I'm reposting it now in order to officially remove the archival restrictions from the old Lemon List CROW: And to make sure we all get tortured. Author's note to *non*-anime fen: This story will make a lot more sense if you go down to your local video store (run, don't walk) TOM: ...grab a 400mL bottle of Jack Daniels', and sniff paint thinner at the same time. and rent a copy of My Neighbor Totoro. Even if you don't usually like animation,you'll like this one. MIKE: That is, if you're one of those people who consider cereal boxes as heavy reading. Author's note to all readers: This story is copyright 1993 by Didjeridoo. Permission is granted to distribute it in electronic form via BBSes, FTP, and/or email, CROW: But *why* would you want to? MIKE: You know, maybe we ought to give Didjeridoo a chance. TOM: Mike, *Totoro*. *Lemon*. MIKE: OK. provided that no charge is made for the distribution and provided that it is not altered in any way (including all Author's notes). TOM; I *seriously doubt anyone will try to sell this story. Permission is *not* granted for distribution in any fixed form, including -- but not limited to -- print, CD-ROM, or stone tablets. CROW: Are you done, Didjeridoo? Helping Paws CROW: I guess so. I had always thought that Totoro was only visible to children; MIKE: Or to people who are stoned. Mom and Dad had never been able to see him, and when I started menstruating, TOM: Did we *have* to know that?! I stopped seeing him too. Now, though, I realize that CROW:[as Peter Graves]...Man is a feeling creature... I must have stopped seeing him because I expected to... I'm glad I was wrong! MIKE: Good, because we're not. Perhaps I should back up a bit. ALL: Beep! Beep! Beep! I first met Totoro when I was 8, and spent many hours with him over the next few years. TOM: [falsetto] He had this *special* secret game that he would play with me... CROW: With jelly and syrup? MIKE: Guys... Eventually, though, as I grew up and started doing "grown-up things", CROW: Like procrastinating, lying, stealing, cheating... I started to see him less and less, until I stopped seeing him altogether. TOM: [falsetto]...breaking his heart like a Happy Meal toy. I went away to college, and then work. MIKE: No, hon. You don't go *away* to work. I married, and after a few years we decided we were ready to have a baby. TOM: Wow! They waited a few years to have a kid?!! I guess that's really where this story starts. CROW: So that was the prologue? TOM: I feel like this story is leading up to something...something very bad. We tried for months, but I never got pregnant. MIKE: [as Leslie Nielsen] I've tried everything, lacy outfits; things that vibrate... BOTS: MIKE! MIKE: Oops! Almost stole Crow's scthick there. We went to a fertility specialist, who assured us that there was no reason why I shouldn't get pregnant, CROW:[falsetto]...except the fact that I smoked six packs a day. but despite everything we tried, we never succeeded. TOM: Maybe he has a little problem... CROW: Yeah! He could be shoo-- [MIKE nudges CROW, CROW stops.] To make it worse, we were so intent on my getting pregnant that sex stopped being fun. MIKE:[falsetto] It was an adventure. I'd cum, and instead of relaxing in the afterglow, I'd find myself thinking CROW: [falsetto] Only 15 minutes?!! My last boyfriend had more staying power!! "Thank God that's over with. Now I can go to sleep." TOM: [falsetto] My husband doesn't seem to have any problem doing that. As you can imagine, we were really getting upset about it. Finally the doctor suggested that we might just be trying too hard. MIKE: [as doctor] There is absolutely nothing wrong with impotence. Why, many men of oyur age have trouble 'getting it up,' as they say. "Relax a little," he said. "Take a couple of days off and take a little vacation trip. Don't have sex to have a baby; CROW: [as doctor] Have sex for fun!!! wait until you both want to make love for yourselves. Maybe if you take some of the pressure off of trying to get pregnant it will work better." TOM: Or maybe it won't. We talked it over, and decided it was worth a try. We each took a week off from work, CROW: [falsetto] Unfortunately, it was the wrong couple of weeks off, and I caught him in bed with the secretary. MIKE: Take it easy, Crow. and rented a small house in the country near where I grew up. The first couple of days were dreadful. TOM: [falsetto] There was no cable, and I was out of range on my cellular phone. And Garceau couldn't get out there to see me. We were both so upset and uncomfortable that we leaped at the opportunity to ignore each other for a while. MIKE: Plummeting to our deaths to the sharp rocks below. TOM: A little dark today, Mike? I guess we really went a little too far, though, going off separately to explore, and really only seeing each other for dinner and at bedtime. CROW: [falsetto] I actually didn't have to put up with that prick! God, it was wonderful! After three days of this, though, I was ready to scream. MIKE: [falsetto] At least after the village idiot froze my underwear. I wanted my husband back, not this stranger who shared my table and bed. CROW: Uhh...wha? Did I miss something? TOM: No, she's just waxing philosophic. All these dramatic fics have these wierd interludes. I just couldn't bring myself to say anything. MIKE: That's okay, we'll take care of that. TOM: Y'know, this story really isn't that bad so far. In fact, it's pretty good. CROW: I have a bad feeling about this... The third night was when things changed. I was awakened around 1 AM by a tapping sound at the window. MIKE: It was Santa and his magic reindeer! Not sure quite why, I slipped out of bed, and crossed the room. I peered out the window, and there on the outside ledge was a familiar figure. CROW: Nick McGurk, Class o'75, biggest peeping tom at Lilydale High. Little Totoro, no bigger than he had been the last time I had seen him, stood there looking in at me. TOM: [falsetto] Eek! I'm being peeked at by a Krofft creature! I stared at him in amazement, but when he hopped off the window ledge and began to run towards the trees, I didn't even hesitate long enough to put on my slippers before running for the door. MIKE: Oh, no... I must have been quite a sight, running across the grass naked, with my hair streaming out behind me. MIKE & TOM [as Ray Stevens, singing] That's why they call it the Streak!! CROW: Sometimes, don't you wish these fics had pictures? MIKE: CROW!! Little Totoro disappeared into the undergrowth, but I was only a couple of steps behind him, ALL: [singing] Step by step, day by day... and followed him into the well-remembered hole that led to the Totoros' den. CROW: Hole...oh, no... TOM: Brace for impact, guys. It wasn't until he popped out of sight downwards that I even began to consider what I was doing: chasing a myth, stark naked, in the middle of the night. MIKE: Yeah, but that's a tradition in Arkansas. I almost turned back then, but I realized that if I was going insane, it was an insanity I wanted, and down the hole I went. CROW: [falsetto] Surprisingly, the hole was very slippery... MIKE: [whiny] Stop it, Crow! There they were at the bottom, lined up and waiting for me. TOM:[as a hunter] ...like ducks in a barrel. I pulled myself up short, and, after a moment to catch my breath, bowed to them. ALL: WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY! The three of them bowed back to me, MIKE: Konichiwa! and then the biggest one, the one I always thought of as "Totoro", stepped forward with his arms spread wide. CROW: [falsetto] Well...flippers spread wide. Somehow I knew he was welcoming me back, and I stepped forward and buried my face in his fur. His arms went around me, TOM: Then she must be pretty tiny, then. and his hug unlocked all the frustration that was locked up inside of me and I began to cry into his chest. CROW:[as Totoro] Hey, lady, turn off the waterworks! This is high- quality fur here! It felt like I cried for hours as he stroked the back of my head. MIKE: No! Tell me it's not starting!!! TOM: Tell me this is where it ends!! Finally my tears stopped, and I began talking, telling Totoro about everything that had happened in the years since I had seen him last, everything good, and everything bad. ALL: WHEW! MIKE: False alarm. I just couldn't stop; it all just seemed to pour out of me as I talked until, when I had finished, I just stood there in his arms, totally limp. CROW: [falsetto] Hmmm. Just like my husband. MIKE: Crow... After a moment, Totoro picked me up and held me at arm's length, TOM: Which, in Totoro's case, is about a foot. as he used to do when I was a child. He looked me up and down, like he had never seen me before, and then CROW: [falsetto] cop a cheap feel. made that silly "wurfling" noise that always made me laugh. MIKE: What the hell is "wurfling?" He extended his tongue, and swept it across my face, from my chin to my hairline. TOM: Oh, no! She's *licked* now! MIKE: I'd hit you for that pun, but I think the hentai is starting up again. I stared at him for a moment, he looking back at me with that solemn expression of his, his saliva dripping off my chin, ALL: EWWWWWWWW!!! CROW: This is *almost* as graphic as that Power Rangers movie. and then I burst into giggles as the silliness of my position struck me. "Put me down, please?" I asked. TOM: [as Totoro] Okay, you're short, fat, and pasty. [ba-boom] Thank you, I'll be here all day. Enjoy the buffet! He tipped me a bit sideways, and looked at me with a puzzled expression, as if he couldn't figure out why I would want that, CROW: [as Totoro] Go ahead. You know you want to. but then he set me down on the edge of his sleeping area, the raised section of the den, filled with leaves. After I had settled myself comfortably on the lip, MIKE: *Lip*? TOM: I don't even want to know. he reached out with one paw, and very carefully poked me right between my breasts. CROW: Geez, Totoro! Take a cold shower, why don't you? It wasn't a hard push, but it was just hard enough. I fell over backwards into the leaves. ALL: [singing] Tiptoe...through the leaves... I looked up laughing, just in time to see Totoro leap into the air, directly towards me. TOM: Good, Totoro crushes our annoying protagonist. I can live with that. Somehow, in midair he slipped sideways, MIKE: Hunh. Must be Crisco in the air. landing beside me instead of on top of me, and hurling thousands of leaves into the air, CROW: *Thousands*? That's gotta be a pretty big den! where they swirled for a minute, before settling on everything. One particularly large one hit me squarely in the face and stuck there, held by the saliva that still hadn't completely dried. TOM: That is *absolutely* disgusting. CROW: Can you imagine what it must smell like in there now? MIKE: [vomits] TOM: Yeah, that'll do it. Still laughing, I batted the leaf away, and leapt on Totoro. "See what you did?" CROW: Bad doggie! Use the newspapers! MIKE: [recovering] Crow, that was a little in bad taste. Let's not do those again. I demanded as I landed on his chest. Once again he reached out with one paw, and before I could move to protect myself, his claw tips found my bare ribs. CROW: Cool! she's got no flesh! TOM: [stock TV announcer] She's *Inside-Out Girl*! In moments, he had me wiggling in all directions and laughing hysterically, MIKE: [singing] Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down...hey! frantically -- and unsuccessfully -- trying to hide every ticklish part of my body from him. TOM: [Don Adams] Working...driving...slaving...working... Over and over we rolled in the leaves, until finally we came to rest, me holding my sides to keep from throwing up from all the laughing, MIKE: I need to keep from throwing up from all the gross imagery. CROW: I take back my previous comment about fanfiction pictures. Totoro kneeling (I hadn't even realized until then that he had knees!) TOM: Neither did I. between my legs, one paw on either side of my ribcage, clearly ready to resume his assault when I settled down a little. CROW: Sexual assault can be so fun, can't it? MIKE: Watch it, Crow. To prevent him from starting again, I grabbed his arms and pulled, toppling him across me. ALL: INCOMING! A big mistake that turned out to be, since his fur on my now extremely sensitive skin tickled nearly as much as the paws I had been trying to avoid. TOM: [falsetto] Now I can watch and see if he tries to cop another feel on me. Fortunately, Totoro turned out to be incredibly light for his size, no heavier than my husband, really, CROW: At least, that's what my husband tells me. MIKE: Ewwww. TOM: I don't want to think about that one. and I managed to squirm out from under him without too much trouble. MIKE: What, with the coating of saliva...[urp][slumps in seat] Totoro rolled onto his side and lay there looking at me, and I acted on a mischievous impulse, and leaned forward, kissing him on the tip of his nose. CROW: And sadly, I became stuck to his face. TOM: Ewww. MIKE: [vomits again] His eyes opened wide for a moment, and then his tongue shot out, TOM: [falsetto] Wounding me with a shrapnel wound. and traced a line around the curve of my ear. CROW: So her ears are just curves? MIKE:[recovering] What do you expect? She might be an Anime character. TOM: Mike, you should get some water. I felt a quick flash of sensual pleasure -- my ears have always been a big erogenous zone. CROW: [falsetto] Why do yoou think I voted for H. Ross Perot? "Two can play at that game," I told him, before MIKE:[falsetto]...grabbing a non-descript woman from a phone booth. TOM: Wow, that's obscure, Mike. reaching forward to tickle his ears with my finger. CROW:[as Beavis] Pull my finger, dude, heh heh... I felt his arm MIKE: [falsetto] ...well, paddle... come around me, and his paw began to move slowly up and down my back, tracing sensual curves from side to side across my spine, and then down to my hips and buttocks. TOM: MY GOD! It's STARTING! MIKE: Ullallallallalaa! I'm not listening!! LALLALAAALALA! Despite myself, I moaned in pleasure and snuggled my body close against his, my tickling of his ears quickly changing to a passionate caress. This was a side of Totoro I had never seen; TOM: [falsetto] 'Cause he's so big, see? Oh, you folks must have fat friends! never even thought of! CROW: Neither did we, until you wrote this story. His touch became more and more urgent as we lay there, and after a time I felt something pressing against my leg. TOM: NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! CROW: ...[jaw hangs open, trembling] MIKE: [vomits] I pulled away from him and looked down. His cock was in proportion to the rest of him. Far bigger than any I had seen, even in pictures. TOM: AAAHGAGHGHAHHGAHAH!!!! [head explodes] [MIKE collapses into seat] CROW: [Shatner] Must...reach the Blu-Blockers...must survive... [CROW inches over to a box at the left of the theater. The box is marked "Emergency Use Only...Imagery Protection Units [technobabble]". CROW opens the box and picks out the three pairs of Blu-Blockers with his beak, and then inches back across the theater. CROW puts his glasses on somehow, and then tries to help TOM and MIKE. CROW: MIKE! Quick! Put these on!! It's our only hope! Help Tom get his on! [MIKE puts on the glasses and then puts glasses on the regenerated dome of TOM.] MIKE: [dazed] What's going on? CROW: I got the emergency Blu-Blockers! It will shield us from only the *most* awful imagery in this story. But it doesn't last forever! TOM: What happens? CROW: Well, like all cheap sunglasses, they melt! MIKE: Is the part over yet? We don't want to waste it! CROW: Uh, yeah. Some time later, I came back to myself with a start, realizing that I had no idea how long I had been lying in Totoro's arms, half dozing, half cuddling against his warmth. MIKE: This touching family drama is marred by the fact that she was bedded by H.R. Pufnstuf's brother. Totoro opened his eyes, and flicked his tongue against the tip of my nose; a farewell, I was sure. CROW: Or more foreplay. MIKE: CROW!! SHUT UP! I took my leave, snuggling my face into Totoro's fur, and whispering "Thank you" TOM: ...for nothing! as I left, and headed back to the cottage, filled with a sense of purpose. CROW: With butcher knife in hand... MIKE: No. I slipped inside just as the sun was rising and tiptoed into the bedroom, finding my husband sound asleep, an early morning erection raising the covers. MIKE: [as Butthead] Dude! He's pitching a tent! CROW: Hey, Mike! Should I hit you? MIKE: Oops. Climbing under the covers with him, I carefully straddled his hips, and lowered myself onto his cock. ALL: BACAWCK!!! His eyes opened as I slid down, and he smiled as I reached bottom. TOM: She makes it seem like such a long way. "I love you," he whispered, and "I love you, too," I told him as I began to move above him. CROW: Thanks! It's all over! -=*=- MIKE: [singing] Be...all that you can be... Our daughter is five years old now, and she loves the stories I tell her about Totoro, TOM: For shame, woman? CROW: You've corrupted her mind! though I've never told her about what happened the night she was conceived. BOTS: Oh. MIKE: I'm glad she doesn't want to make her hurl. She's looking forward to exploring when we return to the cottage this summer; TOM: [falsetto] IfyaknowwhatImean! I'm sure she wants to meet Totoro for herself. MIKE: I don't think she's 18 yet. Me? I'm looking forward to returning to the cottage too, though for quite another reason: I want my second child to be conceived in the same place as the first. CROW: Nudge, nudge...wink,wink... My husband laughs when I say that, and asks me how I can be so sure I'll get pregnant during the short time we'll be there. TOM: [as husband] Yeah, how the hell did you get pregnant last time? I just smile. After all, I can't very well tell him that I'm sure Totoro will be helping out, now can I? MIKE: [as husband] Uh, honey, why does our baby have fur on his face, and flippers for arms? --- TOM: Passing permitted both sides. * Camster 1.0BK * K-9: Your plastic pal who's fun to be with. CROW: Oh! Like the toothless hamster! MIKE: Okay, I think you need a time-out. [MIKE grabs CROW and shoves him out of the theater.] [*,1,2,3,4,5,6,Dog Bone] [SoL] MIKE: Well, guys, it's been a rough day. TOM: Well, we might as well see what the Ghosts and Mrs. Muir are up to. [WMoD] [PEARL is at the wheel. BOBO and BRAIN BUY are in the back, asleep in each other's shoulders. PEARL is scanning the radio for something to keep her awake.] PEARL: Oh, brother. Nothing but country-western. [Suddenly, KRANKOR's unmistakable laugh cackles over radio] KRANKOR: Uh-huuh-uh-huuuh-uh hhuuuh. PEARL: You again!!! KRANKOR: I am here to take over your puny galaxy again! PEARL: Don't you ever die? KRANKOR: No, but *you* will! Uh-huhh-uh-huuuh-uh-huuhh!! [KRANKOR fires his patented negative scratches at SoL]. PEARL: Oh, boy. Gotta do something now. [PEARL spies BRAIN GUY's brain dish, and picks it up, using it as a shield. As one of the scratches fires at PEARL, she lifts the dish, and bounces the negative scratch off of BRAIN GUY's brain, obviously at great pain to him. The scratch flies back at KRANKOR, oblierating the ship. KRANKOR: Oh, poopie. [fade to credits] MST3K created by JOEL HODGSON MST3K produced by BEST BRAINS, INC. original story by DIDJERIDOO (didjeridoo@teamhbbs.com) riffs written by SETH C. TRIGGS Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all of its related characters are copyright 1997 Best Brains, Inc. Totoro and his other char- acters are coopyrighted to some people over in Japan somewhere. The original story "Helping Paws" is apparently copyright to Didjeridoo, and nobody will contest that. Use of licensed and/or copyrighted characters is for entertain- ment purposes only. No harm or infringement is intended. I must have been quite a sight, running across the grass naked, with my hair streaming out behind me. Keep circulating the fics 18 September 1997