Hachi Machi Double Feature WRITTEN BY: Hachi Machi the Chunky Monkey MSTIED BY: Seth C. Triggs a.k.a. Lefty HOST SEGMENT BY: J. D. Gibson a.k.a. Blaine Seth C. Triggs: This is probably one of the lamest Hachifics I have Ever had the pleasure of riffing. This kid has some serious issues, Issues I'm afraid we can't help him with. Still, I mean no offence. J. D. Gibson: When will the hurting stop? LEGAL STUFF: All the characters and concepts of Mystery Science Theater 3000 belong to Best Brain Inc. Please do not sue for the characters are borrowed and we have no claim on them. Now, on with the show... ___________________________________________________________________________ [Roll Season 9 theme] [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, bone] The SOL is quiet and dark. No-one is there except for a man in a dirty trenchcoat, floating upsidedown in a lotus position. Mike walks past in his PJs and glances at the figure as he makes his way to the kitchen on the other side of the screen. Mike the runs back and turns on the lights, staring at the man. "Gah! Who are you?!" By this time, the bots have woken up too. They gather around the odd man as he settles and stands on the floor. "I am Biiru Tamago, GOD OF NOT MAKING SENSE!" "Uh, sure." says Crow. "I have come here, Michael J. Nelson, to liberate you from bondage." Tom snickers, "Old habits coming to haunt you, Mike?" Mike shushes Tom and turns back to Biiru. "So, uh, your going to free us?" Mike asks. "Yes. Sorry I'm late. I was going to free that sleepy eyed guy that was here before, but I had a dental appointment.." "Thats OK." Mike says. "So, uh, can we go now?" "Yes." Biiru says. "But on one condition." "I knew there had to be a catch." Crow muttered. Biiru continued. "I will switch you and the people at Castle Forrester. You must make them watch at least one fanfic. Then you may release them or do what you please." He wiggled his head much like Brainguy, and suddely Mike, Crow, and Tom are replaced by Pearl, Bobo, and Observer. "Ho, ho... Lwagiver! What happened?!" Biiru explained to them what is going on and dissapeared. "Oh, great!" Pearl says. "Ok Mike, bring us down." [Castle Forrester] "Now Pearl, I made a promise to Mr. Tamago." Mike says, smirking. He and the bots start laughing. [SOL] "Maybe you should know." Pearl says smiling. "All the doors are locked and you need a key to get out." Pearl holds up a key. "So if you must, send us the movie and bring us down and we'll let you out." [CF] Tom runs in from the side. "She's right. The doors are locked." "OK, Pearl. Its a deal." Mike picks up a stack of fics and pulls one at random. "Hmm, Hachi Machi... Thats kinda cruel." Mike starts to put it back. "Mike," Crow says, "Robert Tsunai." Mike's face darkens and he sends the Hachi-fic up with extreme prejudice. [SOL] [Lights and Klaxons go off] "Oh great, we have Monkey sign!!!!" Observer screams "Ho ho, this will be fun!" Bobo says, clapping his hands. Pearl hits him. [Bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, *] >Hi all! I hope you are doing good. And how about you? BOBO: Wow! That was a nice introduction. Err... um, why did we send Mike and the bots a fic from such a nice fellow? OBSERVER: Well, Bobo... ummmm... he's not really nice. > That's nice. Well, > insanity is redy to sset in, my friends. PEARL: ["friends"] We're already insane from you beating us all the time! BOBO: Haw, haw... good one, Lawgiver! PEARL: Hey, I can't let Crow have all the fun. > I was cleaning my gun when OBSERVER: [Hachi]...it accidentally went off and killed me. BOBO: Hey, that was pretty funny, Brain Guy! OBSERVER: Well... I suppose it *is* funny. Yes, I am having what you Earthlings call fun! > I >decided it was time fro a BOBO: Afro? > crossover. I put down my Long, PEARL: Howie Long? > took a toke from >my bong, OBSERVER: [Hachi] Got totally baked and wiped out my entire pathetic race. PEARL: Brain Guy... > and tossed some darts at my anime posters. They landed on Ranma >and Voltron. BOBO: [Ranma] What's all this goo on the posters? Hah, hah, I kill me! PEARL: You are so lame, Bobo... BOBO: Haw... > Then I ded, lets sweaten the punch. OBSERVER: Must need deodorant. > I made. tit a >seflinsertation. PEARL: He did something to a tit? That bastard! BOBO: What's a seflinsertation? OBSERVER: Must be some Star Trek technobabble. > So, pick up yer drugs, drawa line, do it, and read. OBSERVER: Apparently, Hachi Machi is Keith Richards. > Thnk >yoyu. BOBO: Think yo-yo... eat yo-yo... sleep yo-yo... be the yo-yo. >Ranma's is GO PEARL: -GO in Showgirls. [OBSERVER blanches] >By Hachi Machi the chunky munky. BOBO: Yeah, he's a bit of a *flunky*!! Haw, haw, haw!! [PEARL rolls her eyes] > Ranma tooka sip of his tee OBSERVER: Shirt? > annd said "I awanna go ijt no space." PEARL: What's that mean? Kill myself? Sure. > HE >wsaw a munky. BOBO: Munky... munky... he must mean monkey. Hey! I'm a monkey! They're looking at me!! Hoo hoo! PEARL: Shut up, Bobo. > HT emonkey was Me. OBSERVER: Ah... now they have Windows HT. PEARL: Hopefully he'll have a software crash and we can get out of here. This is so boring. [yawns] > ""i said. I leftt it in his hands. > "I said you wanna fly?" BOBO: Uhhh... hooo.. who's talking? PEARL: Who cares? > "Yep" he said. I took him to nasa. OBSERVER: The humans then turned him away at the gate. > But first I had funn with Akane, > Shampoo, Ukyo, Nabiki, Kasumi, Kodchi, and another girl/. PEARL: [Hachi] Plus some guy named Bill none of us knew at all. > I let them all >experience the big munoky,. BOBO: The big Valbowski? > They loved it. OBSERVER: [sighs] Of course they did... > The y squealed an dlicked each >others breasts. Then I took them out and got them all nipple and clit rings. PEARL: [Hachi] And it was done in about an hour! Go to RingCrafters, 6 convenient locations in the Toronto area! > I put chains on them and dragged them around Japan City like on a a leash. BOBO: I thought NASA was in the US! OBSERVER: Bobo, mere mortals like you cannot follow this story. PEARL: Where the hell is Japan City? Is that in California or something? > Soon they cryed and I kissed them and said goodbye. PEARL: This is about as touching as Michael Jackson at a Boy Scout convention. OBSERVER: Ick... > Me and Ranma went to NASA. > We looked at the fence. "How we get in," I sed. BOBO: [Hachi] Oh, but I am SUPER MONKEY! I can leap tall buildings with a single bound! > "Leave to me." Ranms used a fire from his hand to burn hole in it. OBSERVER: Uh huh... > Theyre we stole a green ship and flew off. PEARL: The pink ship was at the collision for repairs. > While we were there. We >blowed up New York a lot. The Statue of Libery wet itself. BOBO: Wow, he must be strong! He can make a statue wet himself! OBSERVER: Apparently, Hachi Machi had his applesauce with lead paint chips when he was a baby. > We went to space and saw A robot flying. I hit buttona nd our ship >became robot. The robo ships docked. The attachment was a dick on our ship >that atached to the others butt. ALL: @_@ PEARL: I am sensing a trend here which will make me want to go on a homicidal rampage. OBSERVER: Hachi Machi must think that he is Scott Thompson. > Inside were 5 teenagers. There was a hot blonde chick there that I >relly liked so I tooke yer BOBO: [umpire] yerrout? > He loved it. PEARL: So much he had a sex change. > Son Ranma talked to people. BOBO: Well, I would! OBSERVER: Normally, he would talk to plants. >They said they were th eVoltron force. PEARL: Visit eVoltron.com and buy and sell Voltron merchandise! > Ranma really liked the ships. PEARL: And so, that's how the cruiser contracted syphilis. BOBO: Ewwww, Lawgiver! That's gross! PEARL: Shut up, Bobo! > Mean will, I was having som uch fiun with the princeess, she made me >prince and quit the Voltron force. OBSERVER: Well, Allura wasn't very bright to begin with. > "I love Hacjhi." She said BOBO: Hachji! I know him! He ran the Gandhi Memorial Observatory in India a long time ago! > But what about Voltron,"Others sed. > I 'know Pidge said. L"et him be the pink one. PEARL: So Voltron is the pink one? Work with me, fic! OBSERVER: You know, this is pretty dumb. Even for a human. > Pidge pointed at >Ranma. Ranma learned how to pilot the lion and became peart of the Voltron >fours. BOBO: Hey!! He forgot the ones, twos and threes!! > I in the mean time, became General of the Army. I >killed thos guys that Voltron fights, but kepted that other guy, the leadesr >son, as my Jester. OBSERVER: Oh, dear... whatever did Lotor do to deserve such a fate? PEARL: He needs to fire his agent. > But soon I got angy with him and had him beheaded in >more ways than yone. PEARL: Hah, hah... How droll. > Hah hahahaha. Uhuh? Ok I get itm, BOBO: Cool!! Can he use my ApeExpress card? OBSERVER: That's itm, not ATM. > Then Jackie Chan made another Movie and we went to Earth to see it. > While there Akane saw Ranma in his pink out fit. PEARL: I always knew he was a fairy... BOBO: Does he have wings too? PEARL: Bobo, shut up. > "Hey yo." Akane said "Whad up, home." OBSERVER: Hmmm... from what I have seen of this show Ranma 1/2, I would have to say that Akane is out of character. PEARL: Really? No, you think? > Ranma said I good. "I love >you Akane I just now have courage to tel you." PEARL: Awwwwww... bah. BOBO: Hah! [Ramna] Now I don't have to run away wetting again! > Akane locke din his eys with tears and huggerd him. BOBO: She buggered him? PEARL: Bobo, don't. Just don't. "Oh, Ranma." > Ranma and Akane holded each other in tender moment. "I lov eyou so >much Akane." [PEARL retches] OBSERVER: This feels like a soap opera. > They went and had all kinds of sex. OBSERVER: Yes, it *is* a soap opera! > First Ranma ate her out and made her feel like a woman.. PEARL: [Akane] Thanks for taking me to this Szechuan diner! I feel like a woman now! I should probably remove this rug... > Then she >sucks his dick. Then he fucks her right. BOBO: And left! And right! And left! > He did her in the ass to and she >was very happy. OBSERVER: And there was much rejoicing. ALL: Yay... > Then he turned to woman. Akane licked him and did him with > a dild. PEARL: [retches] OBSERVER: I say, this is quite enough, Hachi! > This wa shis first time and he bled. I watched and thought was >funny so I joined in. ALL: [blanch] BOBO: Icky! This is just like when Artemis did it with Oscar! PEARL: You are NOT helping, Bobo... > Soon it was time for Voltron to go back. "Ranma I love you and will >miss you." Akane said. AWWWWWWWW!! PEARL: [retch] > Why not you come with me." Ranma said. Thaey flew off intot he >starsrs together. PEARL: And burned up in a massive fireball. > A s I watched them go, the man with black Mustach came >and said. "Thata gooda job, Hachi. Nowa they in space. HAHAHAHAHA!!" OBSERVER: [Man] Nowa we are-a gonna have-a spaghetti! > I >grinned, knowing that I had screw up another life. U see, Becouse they went >to space, The tendo dojo didn't have an aire and so it fell out of existance OBSERVER: Ummmm... I don't recall a dojo going into space. [brain begins to smoke] BOBO: Hah! Looks like you "higher beings" can't take this fic either! OBSERVER: Why, you stupid monkey! [The two begin to scuffle] PEARL: [yawn] >. > In space, Ranma got killed by a space virus along with Akane because > they wernt amune like the Voltron forse. PEARL: Damn. I'm not amune either. Well, at least that dumb poofy-haired couple died. I forgot their names... Akana, Ranme? Whatever. [gets up to leave, while BOBO and OBSERVER struggle on the floor] >THE END [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, bone] Pearl stumbles to the satelite feed. "OK, Nelson. Let us down." [CF] Mike has an evil gleam in his eyes. "Heh, heh, what have we here? Its another Hachi-fic. BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!" "Man Mike, whats wrong?" Crow asks. "He's gone powermad." Tom says. "SHUT UP, YOU TWITS!!!" Mike knocks Crow and Tom down and sends the fic. [SOL] "Oh no." Pearl groans. Bobo and Observer come out of the theater with bandages from beat each other up. [Klaxons and Lights go off] "Oh no," Observer says. "We have madman fic time!!" Bobo yells. [Bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, *] >Hi opeeple. Backstereet Back again. ALL: AAARRRGGHHHH!! OBSERVER: Great galaxies, that's hideous! I hope we never see that! > Heres a new Lemon hfrom pokem on. BOBO: Ironic, huh? Ha, ha! PEARL: You know, there's no reason that I should want to see this, but I have no choice. Now I somehow know how Mike feels. Can you let us out? [no answer] PEARL: Dammit... > I >was certain that you all wanted a new sequal fro Poke-a-mon. OBSERVER: He has all the perception of George Bush. > So, here yuou >go. I hope you like it. BOBO: Me too! PEARL: Oh, don't worry, you won't. >HACHI MACHI THE CHUNKY MUNCKEY >Brings yout OBSERVER: [Joe Pesci] 3 youts? PEARL: Nice impression, Brain Guy. OBSERVER: Why, thank you, Pearl! >POKE-A-MON 2 > >Part 1: Jynx BOBO: Oh, no!! The fic is jinxed!! > Brock, aSh and Misttey OBSERVER: Nestea? > were at an new town today and they decuided >to heck out eht Gym there. PEARL: Heck, we's gonna hang out at the gym! > They went in and Ash wen t to fight rhe leader >but brock stayed behind because he already had the badge. OBSERVER: Therefore, allowing something involving you-know-what to happen to him. > While Brock was sitoimg and waiting, he saw a Jynx. They were famous >for there huminoid fornm and seductive Psycic style. BOBO: Hah? Huh? Hoo... [BOBO is confused] PEARL: Looks like Bobo just coulodn't parse that sentence. > The Jynx winked and >started waving hits hip and walking into a room in the back. OBSERVER: Oh, dear lord no... [OBSERVER collapses. He knows what a Jynx looks like.] > Brock was >hypnotised by the Jynxes hips. (This is really a move that Jynx has in the >gamre.) BOBO: Hoo hoo! Thanks, Mystery Voice! > He followed it back to the room and stood there like a Zombie. >Jynx peelweed off this ckolothes and began playing with his balls with its >hands, PEARL: Then, she racked them up. > it licked and asucke d on hi s cock for asf ew hours BOBO: Owww!! Wouldn't that beak scratch up her mouth? PEARL: Bobo, try to keep up with the tour group. > and he creamed >in its mouth. BOBO: Hope it was non-dairy! She might be constipated. > It then hiked up its skirt an d srpead itself out for him to >get inside it. PEARL: So it's a tent? And what the hell does this thing look like? [looks around for a reference chart] > He stuck his dick into its tight hole and made it squeal. PEARL: But it broke off and he died. The end. > Soon he camed in it again. He walked upoout anf d came out of his trance. > Ash and Misty walked up too him. "Yer back already "Brock asked? BOBO: Wow!! Where'd they go? PEARL: They... aw, this isn't making *any* sense. > Yeah. Lets go. Brock couldn't rremmenber why he couldn't remember >what happenred but he had a squishy feeling in his pants, BOBO: Ooooh... he's squishy! > >Part 2: Tauros! Olay! PEARL: I still don't know what the hell these things are! > Sabrina was sitting in her Gym one dfay when a Pokemon trainer came >in. "I wanna fight you." BOBO: [Sabrina] No way! Fighting is scary! > Sabrins a noddersd and said OK. Beffore she could tosse her >Pokeball he released a Tauros. PEARL: Oh, boy... > Sabrinawas shocked as it charged her instead ofd waiting for a >Pokemon. I tackled her and she was knocked out. BOBO: Hachi Machi tackled her? Man, that monkey is everywhere! PEARL: [French accent] Savoir Faire is everywhere!! > When ehs woke up she was >strapped face down on a tapble in her back room. PEARL: What is this, Chained Heat? > She woke up just as the >tauros mounted her and stuck his dick in her. [OBSERVER wakes up.] Ohhh, I hope it's... over?! AUGGHHH!! [faints again] PEARL: Oh, it's just some thing raping a woman. I have sent thousands of fics like this! > It was huge and split her >open. BOBO: Ow!! So she must be hurting or something! > She screamed as fshe gushed blook. Soon it stuck one tail up her >ass and the otherones he used to bea her with like whips. PEARL: [leery] How many tails does this thing *have*, anyway? > The trainer sat >in front of her and starrted to Jack off. BOBO: [trainer] Excuse me, I have to change some of the tires on this off... > Sabrina scaemed ass Taruos PEARL: Ass Tauros what? BOBO: Hah, hah... good Valeria Golino impression! >monted here ant smacked here wit he tailwhips. PEARL: Uhhh... right. BOBO: This isn't very readable. > The trainer soon came and >made her drink it and he squirted in her face and made rher eyes burn. PEARL: [fuming] Oh, he did, huh? That tears it! [suddenly she remembers she can't leave the theater.] Damn... >Tauros blew a huge load BOBO: Of sand? PEARL: Somehow I doubt it. > in he r cunt and it bmade her feel like she was >about tio burst. The Trainer stole a badge and said I think This means I >beat you Hahahah. [PEARL sits, glowering] BOBO: Lawgiver? Brain Guy? > They leaft Sabrina tied to the table,. [PEARL glares a bit] > >Part 3: Everyone has a price. [OBSERVER gets back up slowly] Some are cheaper than others. PEARL: Nice to see you back, Brain Guy. > Jessi and James were really tired. I wish we could get a hotel and s >ome food. Jessy said. > Well we have no money. James said. OBSERVER: And thus ends the fic. Bye! [gets up to leave.] PEARL: Sit back down RIGHT NOW! [OBSERVER sits down] > "I know, Meowth can use his Payday attack and get us money." > No way. I'm not putting out fer nothing. He looked at Jessie. >"But there I ss omething I've wanted fer a long time." > No way, that's sick. > OK fine. > OK I'll do it. BOBO: What is it? What is it?! PEARL: We *don't* want to know. Oh, Brain Guy, show me what these things look like later. > Jessie took her clothes of. OBSERVER: Nylon? > Meoth smiled and began sucking her >nipples. He licked his rough tonge on the ma nd she started to maon. PEARL: He licked his tongue on tha what?! BOBO: Let me try. "He licked her quivering mound of love pudding with his rough tongue." [PEARL clocks BOBO] BOBO: x.x > James >wthought this was great. PEARL: They always do... > HE and Jessie oftern got it on at night but >tseeing Meowthdo her was better. He started whipping off . OBSERVER: *CRACK* *CRACK* PEARL: [Jessie] Give me more! More! [OBSERVER and PEARL look at each other and grimace] > Meoth soon started licking Jessies clkit and cunt. OBSERVER: This lad's vocabulary is just... just... PEARL: Yeah, it is! > He stuck his >long tounge insice and she started guching. PEARL: What, did she stick a fire hose up her ass? > Meowth lapped it up. James >couldn't stant it. OBSERVER: So I take it that he decided to *stand* it? > HE shoved his dick into his sisters mouth and Meoth >stuck his own prick in ther ass. PEARL: His... sister? [retches] OBSERVER: Well, they might be from Arkansas. > Soon the were all climaxing and James got >cum on Meowths fur. PEARL: Ack... OBSERVER: It shouldn't stain, I trust... PEARL: Had enough innuendo, Brain ball? > "Don't you know how hard this sticf it so come out." OBSERVER: This must be Dr. Thinker. PEARL: No, that would have been entertaining. > Meoth then went took a bath anf used his Payday attack to get them >some money. PEARL: Why the hell didn't they just ASK?!! OBSERVER: Well, it *is* a lemon, Pearl. >THE END > > >YAY!! Its great yes? PEARL: [growls] OBSERVER: Allow me, Pearl. [does the head wiggle. Somewhere out there, 12,000 volts of current travel into the genitals of one unfortunate soul.] PEARL: [menacingly grimaces] >I llove doing this as much as you loove to read them. Till next time. >TTTFN PEARL: Yeah, well BMFA! OBSERVER: Let's not try to figure that out. [They pick up the unconscious BOBO and carry him out of the theatre.] [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, bone] Pearl, Bobo, and Brainguy all look like they are hurting. "OK, Mike you proved your point." Pearl says. Now please let us go." [CF] "BWA HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!!!" Mike laughed. "Heres another one." He goes to send it but his finger slips and... Pearl, Bobo, and Observer look around and whoop for joy. "Haha, Nelson, you hit the switch button." Pearl said. "Welcome home." "Ho ho, uh Lawgive, why do we have a switch button." Pearl ignores Bobo and picks up the fic that Mike was going to send them. "Hmmm... a Hachi-fic/revenge fic/lemon staring the Sailor Scouts, Nav, and Hachi? I ought to keep this handy." [SOL] Mike is huddled in a corner, crying while the bots hit him. "YOU STUPID, STUPID MAN!!!" Crow screams. [Credits] MST3K created by JOEL HODGSON MST3K produced by BEST BRAINS, INC. riffs written by SETH C. TRIGGS (trigsc41@buffalostate.edu) host segments written by J.D. GIBSON (blaine@vnet.net) original fanfic written by Hachi Machi, the Chunky Monkey Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyright 1998 Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. This MSTing is a work of fiction based upon another work of fiction. Keep circulating the fics 2 January 1999 > Yeah. Lets go. Brock couldn't rremmenber why he couldn't remember >what happenred but he had a squishy feeling in his pants.