Mystery Science Theater 3000: Pot (Tenchi Muyo and Drugs ... or ... No Need To Reach the Sky!) Original Story by: Aubrey Fogle MiSTed by: Joshua Sako Special Thanks To: Dave Chalker Standard Disclaimer: Mystery Science Theater 3000 is the property of the great guys at Best Brains, INC. Tenchi Muyo! is owned by Pioneer and AIC. This story is owned by Aubrey Fogle and he's welcome to it. No insult is intended on the original author. It's all in fun. ***WARNING, WILL ROBINSON, WARNING*** The following contains scenes of drug abuse, violence, nausea, and sex. If you're offended by this stuff, leave now. Also, if you've eaten within the last 3 hours, skip this fic. Thank you. ***WARNING, WILL ROBINSON, WARNING*** [Season 9 theme] [SOL. TOM and CROW are looking at a computer screen and talking.] TOM: I'll be... you're right, Crow! CROW: See? I told you! [MIKE enters.] MIKE: Hey, guys! What are you looking at? TOM: Some Fantastic -- Bare Naked Ladies! MIKE: [Sternly] Crow... what did I say about looking on porno sites? Do I have to take away your Internet access? CROW: No! It's not that... "Some Fantastic" is a song by a group called Bare Naked Ladies. We're looking at the lyrics. MIKE: [Dubious] Oh... okay... uh... why? TOM: Crow found that the lyrics in the song are about Doctor Forrester! MIKE: [Skeptical] Oh, come on. No one knew about Doctor Forrester. Otherwise we would have been rescued! CROW: No, Mike, really! Listen... "One day I'll construct a Satellite // And I'll name it after you // 'Cause you were the greatest friend of all // Until you split my lip in two." Then it says: "To see that look upon your face // As I launch you into space..." TOM: See? It's the Satellite of Love!! MIKE: [Still skeptical] I don't know... it seems kind of weak... CROW: Oh yeah? Listen to this: "I can't stand to wait in line long // So I built a new machine // It just measures up the distance // Then eliminates the folks between." Doesn't that sound like something Doctor Forrester would have done? MIKE: [Hesitantly] Well, yes, but... that would mean that the SOL was built for someone named 'Love'. And the other guy was the first one up here, right? TOM: Hmm... yeah, you're right Mike. Drat. There goes your theory, Crow. CROW: Oh, man! But it fit so perfectly! [MADS light flashes] MIKE: Well, Mrs. Forrester is calling now anyway, so why don't we ask her? [Pushes Button] [Castle Forrester. BOBO, PEARL, and OBSERVER are grinning evilly into the camera.] PEARL: Oh, do I have a doozy for you today, Smelson! Hee hee! If this one doesn't roast your brains... well... I'll just have to find something even more disgusting! [SOL] MIKE: Um... well... before you send us into the theater, there's something the 'bots want to know... CROW: Yeah! Did your son ever know anyone with the name of "Love"? [Castle Forrester] PEARL: [Looking suspicious] Well... yes. Some harlot he met at Evil U. Humph! My Clayton was way too good for her! She wasn't near evil enough. Thank goodness he dumped her... right around the time he got rid of those two fool interns... what were they're names...? Steven Letter and Ed Rodbert? Something like that. All I remember is that they always talked about starting a band. Why? [SOL] MIKE: Well, Crow seems to think the SOL was made and named for her. [Castle Forrester] PEARL: [Snorts] Nonsense! The Satellite was built waaay after she was out of the picture. [SOL] TOM: Are you sure? [Castle Forrester] PEARL: [Getting Angry] Of course I'm sure! Don't think you can get out of this fic by stalling! I'm not falling for it THAT old ruse. Your fic today is called "Pot" and is a Tenchi Muyo/Woodstock crossover. Brain-Guy! Send them the fic! OBSERVER: [Nods head, Brain Guy Sound] [SOL] ALL: Woodstock?! [MADs light flash] ALL: Ahhh! We got fanfic sign! [Pandemonium ensues] Dog Bone... 1... 2... 3... 4.... 5.... 6... CROW: I knew I was right! MIKE: Maybe, but you'd think there'd be some kind of evidence of someone else being here. >“Hey, baby,” Jamey said to Ryoko. “How you liken the party, >girl?” MIKE: (Singing to the tune of "Barbie Girl") I'm a party girl, living in a party world. Drugs and plastic, it's fantastic! TOM: Mike... don't ever do that again. >“Uh, it’s ok,” she said. Ryoko didn’t even know what she >was doing at Jamey’s party, CROW: So she's already stoned, then? >and there was something about Jamey’s TOM: There's Something About Jamey... next on MUST SEE TV! >eyes that frightened her. MIKE: What? Were they flaming or something? >It was like he wasn’t all there, TOM: Much like the author. > like >he was drunk, only his speech wasn’t slurred and he didn’t have >it on his breath. TOM: [Aghast] No! Not IT! He didn't have IT on his breath! How could he live without IT?! I couldn't get through a single day without IT! CROW: [Whispering] Psst! It's called being stoned! >What was on his breath, however, was something >Ryoko had never smelt before. MIKE: Colgate! > He smelled a little like smoke. TOM: So, it was like something Ryoko had smelt before. CROW: What, is he on fire or something? >“Glad you enjoyin it, baby,” CROW: [Austin Powers] Do I make you horny, baby? >he said, leaning up against the >wall. MIKE: [As Jamey] Damn, I'm cool. >“Lemme introduce you to someone, all right?” ALL: No!! >“Uh, fine.” She didn’t really want to go with him, but she >had a mission to take care of. MIKE: [Mission Impossible] Your mission, should you choose to accept it. TOM: [Ditto] Write inane and bizarre fanfiction to torture three beings on a satellite. CROW: [Also Ditto] Also to ruin the characterization of every character in the story. >As she followed him through the crowd of teenagers, CROW: Hey! That's a stereotypical scene! MIKE: [George Page] Here we see teenagers in their natural habitat. >she wondered if what she was doing was really worth what she was >doing. TOM: [As Ryoko] Hmm. I wonder if what I am doing is worth what I am doing. >She wanted to make Tenchi jealous, but didn’t really want >to hang around these guys either. TOM: [Sarcastic] Oh, YEAH... I'm sure running off to a drug party is going to make Tenchi SOOO jealous. Uh huh. >She noticed, in the corner, a teenage girl and guy making >out. No one seemed to mind, and Ryoko thought what Aeka would >say if she saw this. TOM: I doubt she would care... unless that guy turned out to be Tenchi. CROW: Wait for it. >“That’s intolerable! CROW: This fic? Yeah, we know. MIKE: C'mon, guys. It just started. Give it a chance. >I will not allow this kind of TOM: Fanfiction to be written! Away! Away! >behavior to persist any longer!!” MIKE: Sounds like one of my old teachers. >That was what she would say. TOM: Um... NO! > Ryoko smiled, perhaps for the first time since she had arrived at >Jamey’s house. CROW: Since when is a Japanese kid named 'Jamey'? >“Hey Danny boy!” Jamey called out to a man in a leather jacket. TOM: The proliferation of Japanese names in this fic is astounding. MIKE: Danny Boy? Wasn't that a Chris Farley movie? >“What up?” the guy said, ALL: The ceiling! >turning his attention away from a >girl he was talking to, and facing them. “Hey! Who’s the >chick?!” MIKE: Okay, someone's asking for vaporization. >“Her name’s Ryoko. Says she’s goin steady with that guy >Tenchi.” CROW: Staring Tenchi "Marlow" Thomas it's... THAT GUY! >“That wuss?!” Danny said, shocked. TOM: Yes, Ryoko probably would give him a charge for saying that. Heh heh heh. > “Why the hell doesn’t she find herself a real man?!” MIKE: Man, I hate it when people talk about you in the third person when you're standing right there. >“Says that’s what she’s tryin to make outta Tenchi.” MIKE: What is this, Japanese eubonics? TOM: [As Jamey] Youz see, me 'an da homies got som gats, wazup witch you, foo? >Ryoko didn’t especially like the way these two were making >fun of Tenchi. CROW: No, they're laughing WITH him, not AT him. >“Bout time somebody did that,” Danny said. Danny’s eyes >didn’t have the vacant, scary look that Jamey’s did, and Ryoko >was a little grateful. TOM: Until she realized they had the piercing, angry look of a serial killer. >“I can help you make a man outta the punk. ALL: Ewww! >Hey, Jamey! Can I use your mom’s bedroom?” MIKE: What... Jamey's parents have separate bedrooms? CROW: Maybe they're divorced. TOM: In Japan? CROW: Hey! The kid's name is "Jamey", he does drugs, and he speaks ebonics! Having divorced parents is the next logical step! MIKE: [Sighing] Well, we'll be getting mail bombed tonight. >“Sure man,” Jamey said with a wink. “Although you may need >to throw some guys out. I think they’re gettin high in there.” >“High?! Shit! TOM: Look out below! > I been lookin for the stuff all night! TOM: Yet this party is just chock-full of said drugs. He isn't very intelligent, is he? MIKE: More proof that drug use ruins your brain. CROW: Either that or MTV. > We can smoke some and then get it on, how’s that, baby?” TOM: [As Ryoko] That's groovy and sharp with me, tiger! >Ryoko was two seconds away from blowing the guy ALL: Ugh!! >straight through the roof. ALL: Oh. >She knew exactly what the pervert meant about >getting it on, and getting high was probably something like it. TOM: Oh, please. She's heard the term 'getting it on' but NOT 'getting high'? > But Ryoko stopped herself. What was getting high, anyway? MIKE: She should know. She does it all the time! Ha! Get it! Cause she flies...? TOM: No, Mike. MIKE: But it's funny! CROW: It isn't, Mike. >Maybe Tenchi and her could try it together. TOM: This is absurd. First she says that she doesn't know what 'getting high' means, then turns around and thinks it's a synonmn for 'getting it on'. But NOW she DOESN'T think getting high has anything to do with sex. If it didn't involve getting Tenchi in the sack, she wouldn't care. So why the hell is she thinking her and Tenchi could try it together?! MIKE: Whoa, calm down parder. Just go with the flow. >“Ok,” she said, letting Danny boy take her hand. CROW: C'mon! Throw the jerk through the wall! >“Alright!” He led her through more teenagers, most having >the vacant look Jamey had in their eyes, and to the bedroom. MIKE: Man, it's easy to find the drugs here. Just follow the trail of human debris. >He opened the door, and a cloud of smoke escaped from the room. MIKE: Watch out for Sephiroth! Get it? 'Cause of Cloud... TOM: We get it, Mike. MIKE: It's funny! CROW: No, Mike. >Above them, the smoke detectors sat lifelessly on the ceiling. TOM: Ah, so the smoke detectors read ahead, have they? >“Good thing he took the batteries outta them first,” Danny said, >pointing up. MIKE: Oh, yeah. Sage advice for would-be drug-party-goers. >Inside the room, a group of about six boys were huddled in a >circle. CROW: Six! Fourty-two! Thirty-five! HUT! >On the bed, a girl and a guy were having unpassionate >sex, both with their shirts still on. ALL: [Stare blankly] TOM: The hell?! 'Unpassionate sex'? MIKE: Pearl sent us a lemon?! She didn't even warn us! CROW: Oooh, this smarts. >Danny roughly grabbed the guy by the ALL: Yah!! >back of the shirt collar ALL: Whew. >and lifted him off the bed. TOM: [Deep] I'm huge! >“Hey, man!” the guy half choked out. “What’s the matter?!” CROW: [Danny Boy] I'm in this fic. >“I need to use the bed, dumbass!” Danny spat roughly, TOM: How does one spit roughly? Do you put spines on the saliva or something? >and threw the guy to the floor, hard. CROW: Well, OBVIOUSLY. He was just having sex. MIKE: Crow! That's not what he means! >“You jerk,” the girl said, going to her boyfriend. CROW: [As girl] I wasn't finished yet! MIKE: Crow! >“Are you ok, Tommy?” TOM: By the Who. >“Yeah.” >“Ah, I’m sorry he hurt ya.” MIKE: [Pirate] Arr, I's sorry 'e hurt ye, matey. >“I ain’t hurt,” the guy said, and he smiled at her. She >returned his smile, and they resumed their act. TOM: Ah, the sweeping romance of Druggie Love. >Ryoko noticed that both of them had the vacant look. MIKE: This Skull For Rent. >“You wanna do it now or get high first?” Danny asked. TOM: Oh, so he's a GENTLEMAN drugged up jerk! >“Let’s get high first,” she said, forcing a smile. ALL: [Make grunting noises] >“Alright!” he said, leading her over to the circle of guys. TOM: [Singing] C'mon people now... smile on your brother, try to love one another right now. CROW: They certainly seem to have the 'love' thing down. >He pushed one of them out of the way, but the rest didn’t seem to >mind. MIKE: Gee, do you think it might be because they're too stoned to care? >They were each passing around a small white thing, which >they sucked on. CROW: It's a dil-- MIKE: CROW!! CROW: Pickle. Dill pickle. Geez, what were you thinking? >They each got one suck before they passed it to TOM: [Grumbling] This fic has more sucks in it then ten drug parties. >the next person. “Gemme some,” CROW: [Ash] Sugar, baby! >Danny said, snatching the thing from the guy next to him. MIKE: Attack of the Potty Snatchers! Heh heh. Potty snatchers... you know... like body snatchers... only they're smoking pot...? TOM: We get it, Mike. MIKE: Oh, come on... I KNOW that's funny. CROW: No, Mike. >He took a long suck and then handed it to Ryoko. TOM: Long suck... yup, that pretty much describes this fic. >Ryoko, unsure of what to do with it, took a short suck on ALL: [As in Spaceballs] Suck, SUCK, /SUCK/!! >it. Suddenly, a small puff of smoke came into her mouth CROW: Eww! I didn't even think smoke had genitalia. >and went down her throat. Ryoko let out a string of coughs. TOM: [As a doctor] Well, here's the problem! Your lungs are full of string! >Somebody laughed. CROW: A shot rang out. MIKE: The maid screamed. TOM: The market crashed. >Danny punched that somebody in the nose, MIKE: If this 'somebody' turns out to be named Throwaway, I'm leaving. >putting him out cold, and grabbed the thing away from Ryoko. TOM: [As Child] Mine! >“Not like that! Have you ever done this before?” CROW: [Snickering] Sound familiar, Mike? MIKE: Well, actually... HEY! >“Uh, no,” she said, meekly. >“Well, all you’s got to do is take shorter puffs until you >get it right.” >“Puffs? MIKE: What do tissues have to do with this? TOM: Oh, come /on/! Ryoko knows what 'getting it on' means, get she's never heard the term 'puff'? Surely they must smoke SOMEWHERE else in the galaxy?! Even if they don't, she watches TV enough to hear it remarked at SOMETIME! >“Yeah! Sucks on it I mean. MIKE: I wonder how many times the word 'suck' in various forms is in this fic? TOM: Not nearly as many to equal the suckiness of the fic itself. >And then you’ll start to get CROW: Fabulous prizes! >all these cool illusions and stuff. Puts you right in the mood for sex.” MIKE: It /does/? Man, no wonder I couldn't get anywhere in college. >“Really?!” Ryoko asked excitedly. TOM: [Ryoko, hyper] HAPPY, HAPPY, JOY, JOY!! >“Yeah,” he said, lifting his hand up to Ryoko’s breast. ALL: [Cough uneasily] >“Aren’t you feeling it yet?” CROW: No, but YOU are apparently. >Ryoko looked down at the boy’s hand, and then up to his >smiling face. TOM: All right! Ryoko's gonna kill someone! ALL: [Chanting] Kill him, kill him, kill him....! >She connected a punch square to his forehead, ALL: [Cheer loudly] >sending him crashing into the couple having sex on the floor. TOM: Oooh! Extra point! >The two looked at their new visitor, and resumed their act right >on top of him. ALL: [Stare at the screen] MIKE: Uh... okay. >“Where is the stuff?!” Ryoko asked one of the teenagers TOM: [Whispering] Hey, man! It's Dave! Open the door, I got the stuff! CROW: [Loudly] Dave? TOM: [Whispering] Shh! Yeah, Dave. Open up, I got the stuff. CROW: [Loudly] Dave? TOM: Yes, Dave! Open the door! CROW: Dave's not here! TOM: No, /I'M/ Dave! Open the door, I have the stuff! CROW: Dave? Dave's not here! MIKE: Enough Cheech and Chong references, thank you very much. >huddled around. >“That’s pot, man,” one said, and let out a small cough. TOM: [Sarcastic] Oooh, very good! What was your FIRST clue? >“That is the pure shit too, not any of that punk stuff.” MIKE: One-hundred percent pure fertilizer, yessiree! >“Give me the stuff.” >“Hell no!” he said, getting angry. “That’s my shit and you can’t have it.” CROW: [As the guy] So there! Nyah! >Ryoko was about to blast him before she realized Tenchi >might get mad if she killed anyone. TOM: Finally, something in character. >She had a better idea. She was wearing a school uniform >so as not to look out of place. MIKE: Huh... where did she get one? CROW: And a twenty-one year-old High School student wouldn't look out of place? TOM: Well... not in the United States. In Japan, sure. >She lifted up the shirt over her head, showing her large, naked breasts. MIKE: As opposed to her large, naked cantaloupe. >“Oh shit!” one of the kids said. TOM: No, those are breasts. Learn the difference. >Ryoko, pleased with the reaction, unlatched her skirt and >let it drop off of her in a clump. She slipped out of her MIKE: Skin. >panties and looked at the owner of the “pot.” TOM: Oh, so it's not REALLY pot. It's fake pot. Like a placebo. >“I’ll tell you what,” she said. “Let’s make a trade.” >“Wh-wh-what?” he asked. ALL: [Loudly] SHE SAID "LET'S MAKE A TRADE"! >“You give me the pot and I’ll give you something you’ll >truly enjoy.” TOM: [Game Show Announcer] A new car!! ALL: [Make cheering noises] >She crawled over to him, sticking her butt right TOM: Ugh. Bad 'Space Mutiny' flashback. >in another kid’s face. She then grabbed the pot owner’s crotch >and pulled him towards her. “We got a deal?” TOM: Go for door number one! MIKE: Take what you have! CROW: Door number three! Door number three! >“Sh-sh-sure.” MIKE: Oh, I get it! He's a rapper! >“Good.” TOM: [Kosh] They are not for you. MIKE: What, the drugs or the boy? TOM: [Kosh] Yes. >She unzipped the boy’s zipper and put her hand >through. CROW: His heart, killing him instantly. TOM: Whoa! Crow got dark before I did. >She then stuck her breasts in the guy’s face. TOM: [Boy, muffled] I can't breathe!! CROW: Ah, but what a way to go. >He worked the boy’s penis out and sat on it. ALL: Eww! >She then kissed the kid. TOM: These are like baking instructions. >The boy, a smile ten-feet wide on his lips, handed Ryoko a >bag of the small white objects. ALL: [Snicker] MIKE: Hey, idiot! Remember... pay AFTER. CROW: How would you know, Mike? MIKE: [Embarrassed] Uh... nevermind. >She kissed him and wrapped her hand around his penis. TOM: Then put to boil for one to three minutes. >She then started letting off heat out of her hand, more and more. CROW: Hey! You were right, Tom! MIKE: What was the recipe for, anyway? TOM: Isn't it obvious? Sausage! [rimshot] >The kid, his smile now turned to an expression of utter >surprised and horror, TOM: The bots, their lives now turned to rubble because of the fic. > yelped and pulled his dick away from the >woman. “What the hell was that?!!” TOM: Revenge? >“That’s a trick I picked up. Tenchi likes it.” ALL: HE DOES?! >“What?” the boy said, massaging his shlong slowly. CROW: Shlong. >There were red, finger shaped marks around it, and the pain was almost >excruciating. MIKE: Almost, but not quite. TOM: In fact, it was quite enjoyable, in a masochistic sort of way. >“Te-te-Tenchi?!” CROW: He should get his stuttering problem looked at. >“Hm-hmm,” she nodded, slipping back in her underwear. She >got dressed quickly and left the boys without another sound. >The boy who had owned the pot watched her go and stood there >watching for a full five minutes before he remembered his penis >was still out. TOM: [Muffled] Watch out for snakes! MIKE: Tom!! >When Ryoko arrived home, she headed straight for the bath. TOM: [As Ryoko] The dirt... it won't come off...! >She needed to wash that pervert’s smell off of her and needed to >do it quickly. It might sink in, she feared. MIKE: A girl in college told me the same thing. >She entered the house without a sound and walked into the bath. >She could hear TOM: The savage beating of the tell tale heart!! >the others eating dinner. TOM: Well, same difference. >“Where’s Ryoko?” she heard MIKE: Waldo inquire. >Tenchi ask. She thought it was sweet that he was thinking >about her, ALL: Awwww! >but didn’t want to go to him smelling like this. MIKE: Smelling like what? CROW: A cheap whore? MIKE: Crow! Okay, I'll allow that since I walked into it. >“She went to a party with that friend of yours,” Sasami >said. “Jamey, I think his name was.” >“JAMEY!!” Tenchi yelled. TOM: [As Tenchi] What kind of Japanese name is that?! >Uh oh, Ryoko thought. TOM: [Ryoko, thinking] Tenchi found a plot hole. Well, maybe Washu can fix it. >I better get in the bath before he totally loses it. MIKE: Loses /what/? CROW: His virginity? >She teleported her way through the walls into CROW: [Dark] Oblivion! >the bath. It would feel nice to get that smell away from her >once and for all. TOM: [Sighing] Yet, she plans to get the same smell on her in the next few minutes. >“What’s wrong with Jamey?” Aeka asked. “He seemed like a >perfectly nice boy when I talked to him. CROW: Ah, yes. Ayeka's the worst judge of character since the voting public. MIKE: Crow! Ixnay on Nultisay Otersvay! >Called me ma’am and was very cordial.” TOM: [As Ayeka] Call me Princess. Now, get my whips. CROW: Hey! That's my line! >“You don’t know Jamey,” Tenchi said. MIKE: Oh yeah?! Well, You Don't Know Jack! TOM: That Tenchi. There's just no need for him. >“That boy CROW: [Hank Hill] Is not right. > has had more parties than anyone else in the school. > He has this disgusting record with girls. MIKE: Why, I heard he actually KISSED one! TOM: C'mon. Stop making fun of Tenchi. It's not his fault he's sexually repressed. >He always says that he’s banged more girls than Zeus.” CROW: Yeah, Greek mythology references make sense in Japanese culture. >“That’s disgusting!” Aeka yelled. ALL: That's just what Tenchi said! >“What’s banged?” Sasami asked. TOM: [Doting mother] Well, when mommies and daddies love each other very much... >“Nothing,” Aeka said. “Although I do think that he and >Ryoko would probably get along rather well.” CROW: Nudge nudge, wink wink! >“What do you mean?” Tenchi asked. TOM: [Sarcastic] Gee, I wonder? >“Yeah,” Sasami said. >“Go to your room, Sasami,” Aeka said. “This isn’t for your >ears.” MIKE: Oh, come on! She probably knows more about it than Tenchi. >“But I wanna know!” TOM: Ooh, good come back! >“As your big sister, I order you to go to your room, >Sasami!” CROW: [As Ayeka] I'm the God! I'm the God! >“Ah, man.” TOM: My homies are disrespectin' me! >Sasami picked up her plate and wandered into the >living room. It seemed that almost everyday Aeka, Ryoko, and >Tenchi were having some sort of conversation that she couldn’t be >apart of. ALL: [Cough nervously] >Suddenly, Sasami heard the doorbell ring. “I’ll get it!” >she yelled back to the kitchen. MIKE: Back to the Kitchen! Starring that washed-up boy actor now on some cheesy Must See TV show and the old Professor dude! CROW: Geez, and you're worried about ME triggering hate-mail. >“That’s probably her now,” she heard Aeka say. >Sasami opened the door to reveal a shivering Kiyone and >Mihoshi. ALL: [Cough uneasily] >“There was a power shortage in our building and the heat got >turned off,” Kiyone said. “Do you think we can stay over here >just for tonight?” TOM: [As Sasami] Yeah, right. I bet it's more like you two knuckleheads didn't pay your rent again. >“Yeah,” Mihoshi said. “We’re freezing our booties off.” CROW: [Perky] Really?! Well, why don't you show us! I know! I'll rub them and warm them up for you! MIKE: [Sighing] Why do I even bother? >Kiyone looked at Mihoshi weirdly and asked through shivering >teeth, “booties?” TOM: Yes, booties. You know, those little things kids are forced to wear by doting mothers? >“Yeah,” Mihoshi chattered back. “They say that all the time >on Sa-Soul Train.” MIKE: Sa-Soul Train, eh? I guess that's the Japanese version of that old 70's show. TOM: Ugh... Tenchi with an afro... >“Sure you can stay,” Sasami said, delightedly. “Hey >Tenchi!” she called to the kitchen. CROW: [As Sasami] Guess who's freezing their booties off! >“Huh?!” Tenchi called back. >“Can Kiyone and Mihoshi stay for tonight?!” >“Sure!!” MIKE: Because, after all, it's Sasami's house. TOM: Actually, Mike, it's far more likely that Tenchi would allow them to stay then to kick them out into the street. CROW: But doesn't Nobuyuki own the house? TOM: Well... yeah... but when have you ever heard of him protesting attractive young women staying the night? >“Ok. We can bring out some cots from the closet and set >them up in the living room.” MIKE: Wait... who's saying this? >“That’ll be great!” Mihoshi said excitedly. CROW: [As Mihoshi] Happy, happy, joy joy! >“Yeah,” Kiyone said. “It’s so warm in here.” >“Alright. The cots are right in there,” Sasami pointed >towards a small door on the far wall. MIKE: [Devilish] Yes... right in there... heh heh heh... don't mind the flesh-eating dog... heh heh heh... >“Hey!” Ryoko called, coming around the corner, into the >living room with a bath towel wrapped around herself. “What are >you two doing here?” TOM: [As Ryoko] I wanna know even though I could hear every word! >“Our heat turned off, Ryoko,” MIKE: Whoa! That's pretty amazing. To turn off Ryoko... because... she's so... hot to trot and... stuff... TOM: We know, Mike. MIKE: It wasn't funny? CROW: No, but it could have been. >Mihoshi said. “We get to stay with y’all. Won’t that be fun?!” TOM: Y'all? What, did Mihoshi suddenly turn into Ellie May? MIKE: [As Tenchi] Y'all come back now, y'hear? >Kiyone looked at Ryoko harshly. CROW: [Gasping] She's wearing a TOWEL! >It had only been a matter MIKE: Of time before Kiyone's fragile psyche shattered. First she stabbed Mihoshi. Then Tenchi. The others died in the tragic fire. The End. TOM: [Impressed] That was... dark. MIKE: Bite me. >of days since they had fought each other, and they had exchanged >few words since. CROW: And the lack of noise annoys her so. TOM: Well, that might say something about her ability to stand Mihoshi's emotional outbursts. >“You know,” Ryoko said, coming up to Mihoshi. “I think I >have just the game we can play.” ALL: Tiddley winks!! >“Oh, great!” Mihoshi and Sasami yelled in unison. “I love >games! What’s the game?!” MIKE: Is the author insulting Sasami's intelligence? >“It’s called pot, and I think it’ll be pretty fun.” TOM: Since when is pot a game? >“How do you play?” Sasami asked. CROW: First you get yourself a BIIIIG pile of money. Then you buy a SOMEWHAT SMALLER bag of marijuana. Then you smoke it to get rid of the knowledge that you spent all that hard earned cash buying something that really is totally useless. TOM: This message brought to you by the Somewhat-Deranged-Anti Drug-Organization-of-Minnesota. >“This is sort of a game for grown-ups,” Ryoko said. >“Ah, c’mon! Please!!” MIKE: [As Whiny kid] But why /can't/ I score some crack, mom? All the other kids are doing it. >“Uh . . . ok! Why not? Bout time you learned about this >stuff anyway.” TOM: Oh, come /on/!! This is just so utterly ridiculous! Ryoko may have the morals of a Frenchman, but she would not give something that she thinks will invoke a sexual response to SASAMI!!! Not only that, but she would not be willing to share that with ANYONE, except for Tenchi. She, after all, wants to get HIM in the sack, no one else. And she especially doesn't want Ayeka getting some of this proposed aphrodisiac!! [hyperventilates] MIKE: Whoa! Enough, Tom! Just chalk it up to the fact that the author didn't think when they wrote this fic. >“Ryoko!” Tenchi yelled. Both him and Aeka MIKE: Ayeka and /he/. Proper grammar! CROW: Low blow, Mike. >had come from the CROW: Bedroom! >kitchen CROW: Ooh, kinky. TOM: Well, that's Ayeka for you. >to greet their new guests, and both were surprised to see >Ryoko there too, especially in a bathrobe. ALL: They /are/? TOM: [Near tears] But... But... she does that all the TIME!! Especially when Tenchi is around!! >“You really should put on some clothes,” Aeka said. CROW: [As woman from Werewolf] That's very interesting. MIKE: Man, I can just tell that Ayeka's angry, can't you? I tell ya, emotion like that doesn't come anywhere but from Ninja Scroll. TOM: ARRRRG!! Never, EVER mention that again! MIKE: Geez, sorry! >“I will! Hiya doin, Tenchi?” TOM: [As Gilbert Godfrey] I's tell ya! Tenchi couldn't see one foot in front of his face! >“Uh, fine. How’d you like the party?” MIKE: [As Tenchi] I've heard really bad things about that foreign exchange student Jamey, so I want to know if you had fun or not. >“It was awful! Just awful without you there!” TOM: [Exasperated] FINALLY! Something in character! >Tenchi partly smiled. MIKE: The other half of his face shattered on the floor. >He had been worried for Ryoko before, TOM: 'For' or 'about'? >but now he knew that she wouldn’t have done anything she’d regret >later on. CROW: Um... how do you make this conclusion, Tenchi? > Then again, maybe some had tried something and she >hadn’t wanted to go through with it. Maybe she had killed- TOM: [Bitter] The author? >“Ryoko! You didn’t hurt anyone, did you?!” >“No, of course not. In fact,” she said teleporting out of >sight briefly and coming back with her clothes on, “I have >something we can all do together.” ALL: Twister!! >Tenchi didn’t like the sound of this, MIKE: [As Tenchi] Twister? That's one of those games where you TOUCH people, isn't it? >and his heart skipped CROW: Much like a broken record. >a beat when he saw what Ryoko was pulling out of her pocket. MIKE: [Ala the Crying Game] Ryoko's a man!! TOM: One thing I can tell you for sure, Mike... Ryoko is no man. >“It’s called pot!” >“NO!” ALL: Yaah! >Tenchi yelled. “I don’t think we should do anything >with that stuff!” >“Why not?!” Ryoko pouted. “Everyone was doing it!” TOM: [As Washu] So, if everyone else was jumping into nuclear reactors, you would too? MIKE: Hey, that reminds me... where IS Washu? >“You know what that stuff is?!” CROW: Duuuh. Of course she does. She just called it 'pot'! >“Of course. It’s pot. CROW: See? >It’s supposed to put you in the mood.” MIKE: Y'know. The MOOD! The MOOD one just cannot live without! The MOOD! >“Do you know what that mood is?!” TOM: Next, on two-hundred million yen pyramid... >“I sure do,” Ryoko said, teleporting into Tenchi’s arms. MIKE: [Looks at his watch] ...Well? What mood? >“No!” Tenchi said, stepping away and letting Ryoko fall to >the ground. “It doesn’t do that. It makes you start seeing >things, at least that’s what my dad said.” ALL: [Snicker] TOM: [Sarcastic] Yeah, 'cause Nobuyuki was SUCH a big drug user. CROW: Actually, it might explain a few things. >“Well, why don’t we try it and see?” Ryoko said, picking out >a joint and lighting it with a spark of energy from her finger. MIKE: [As Ryoko] Let's get Mikey to try it! >“Stop that!” Tenchi said. “You don’t know what that stuff >can do!” MIKE: Hup! Get out the Beano! >“Everybody at the party was doing it and they seemed fine. TOM: Yeah, except for their 'scary, vacant looks', right? >Besides, what’s seeing a few things. It might be pretty cool.” MIKE: 'What's seeing a few things'...? The hell? >“Yeah, Tenchi,” Mihoshi said. “Let’s just try it. It’s a >game, anyways, right?” CROW: Ah, the wisdom of Mihoshi. TOM: That should be a BIG warning. >“Right!” Ryoko said. “C’mon, we can make a family thing out >of it.” MIKE: Oh, so she wants to 'keep it in the family', eh? [Bots' snicker] Hey! That was funny, wasn't it! TOM: In a low-brow way, yes. CROW: I like it. >“I don’t know,” Tenchi said. “What if it makes us do >something we’d regret?” TOM: Um... hello? You do have the Greatest Scientific Genius in the Universe right downstairs? You can go ask her what would be the effects? >“I’m with Ryoko on this one,” Aeka said. TOM: Oh, RIIIIGHT. Ayeka would cheerfully help Ryoko with a chemical chance to nab Tenchi! >Everyone looked at >Aeka. MIKE: [Gasping] She's been replaced with an Evil Clone! >“Jamey was saying that the stuff was pretty cool when I >talked to him.” TOM: It's hep and it's mod. >“When exactly did you two talk to this guy?” Tenchi asked. CROW: Don't you think Sasami's too young to be hearing this conversation? >“It was when we were lonely for you, Tenchi,” Ryoko said. MIKE: 'Lonely For You', a new book by Dianne Steel. CROW: More like 'Loony For You'. >“It seemed like you were avoiding us, so we went to your school >to see you, but we found Jamey instead. TOM: [Airheadish] 'Cause, like, we're both too stupid to ask in the office. >He said that you were gone on a field trip. CROW: Nudge, nudge, wink wink! >He then invited us to a party.” >“I would not partake in such things,” Aeka said, “but it >sounded as though this stuff was actually a good experience.” MIKE: Wow. 'Partake' and 'stuff' in the same sentence. >“C’mon, Tenchi,” Ryoko said. >“I’m with them,” Kiyone said. “It’s just for a little >while. If everyone was doing it, it must not have been lethal or >very harmful. Why not try it?” TOM: Arrrrrr! Where's the characterization?! Doesn't any of the characters have one single iota of intelligence?! Surely there must be controlled substances the Galaxy Police looks out for?! >Tenchi was stunned. MIKE: [As Tenchi] They're all acting completely out of character. It's like we've been put in some inane fanfiction or something. >He looked from face to face, from Ryoko >to Aeka to Mihoshi to Kiyone. TOM: To recap, he looked from face to face. >“Fine,” he finally said. “But just for tonight.” MIKE: Yeah, right. Clinton said the same thing to Monica. >“Alright!” Sasami yelled. CROW: [As Sasami] I get to be doped up! >“Not you, though!” Aeka yelled. “You go to your room. I >don’t know what this stuff could do to you.” MIKE: Yet she has absolutely no qualms about trying it herself. >“AEKA!!” Sasami yelled. “You leave me out of everything!” >She was starting to cry. >“Oh, c’mon now. We’ll do something tomorrow.” TOM: [As Ayeka, sing-songy] I'll give you some amphetamines if you go to bed... >“You know, Aeka,” Ryoko said. “Maybe you should let the kid >try it. I mean, why can you and not her?” MIKE: Uh, because it deals with matters of a SEXUAL nature? >“Because she’s only eight!!” MIKE: That too. >“But Aeka!!” Sasami blubbered. >“Oh . . . fine. But I don’t want to hear any but Aeka’s >next time I tell you something.” ALL: [Stare, stunned] TOM: This is... utterly... MORONIC!! >“Nah,” Tenchi said, “I don’t think she should do have any of >that stuff either.” TOM: Finally, something sane. >“Please, Tenchi,” Sasami whined, tears still swelling up in >her eyes. She tilted her head slightly towards the lamp light so >the light sparkled in her eyes. >“Oh, fine,” Tenchi said. “She’s just too damn cute,” he >mumbled to himself. ALL: [Snicker] MIKE: Way to stick by your guns, Tenchi. CROW: And I guess Ryoko's pirate talk rubbed off on him, huh? >“Alright,” Ryoko said, already puffing on a joint. “Let’s >rock this joint.” TOM: No pun intended. >Suddenly she went into a coughing spree, >almost choking. The others stared at her, reluctant to proceed. >“It’s not bad,” she said. MIKE: She only lost ONE lung! > “Go ahead.” >Aeka was the next one to go. She took a puff and went into >a huge coughing spasm. “That’s horrible!” she wheezed out. >“Take another puff,” Ryoko said. “It gets better.” TOM: Mostly because you can only hack up SO much of your respiratory system before you run out! >Aeka did, this time not coughing so much. >Mihoshi was the next one to try, taking a huge puff and >coughing loudly. “It’s like smoke,” she said, watering at the >eyes. ALL: [Sarcastic] Noo! >“Don’t take so big a puff,” Kiyone said, taking one. She >took a small puff and let out a few coughs. “It’s not so bad,” >she said. “Kinda makes you light headed though.” MIKE: [As Kiyone] Reminds me of my Academy days... TOM: Wait... Kiyone knows the word 'puff' and she's an alien. How come Ryoko didn't? >Tenchi and Sasami were very reluctant to proceed. Sasami >didn’t think that coughing was especially fun and was beginning >to reassess the situation. TOM: What's this? A glimmer of hope in this Godzilla of a fic? >Tenchi was thinking back to the stories his father had told >him about pot. CROW: [As Nobuyuki] It gets you girls, Tenchi!! >In the sixties, everyone was smoking it, TOM: Oh come /on/! The 'Peace and Love' era was only in AMERICA!! >and he said that the stuff got more of a bad wrap than it should have had. CROW: [As Nobuyuki] After all, it got me /girls/!! >The stuff wasn’t as addictive as some would say, and >everyone turned out ok. MIKE: At least, as soon as they got out of prison. >Tenchi took a deep breath and grabbed a joint. TOM: No, no! You take a deep breath AFTER you got the joint. >He lit it off Ryoko’s one and took a small puff. He managed to hold back >his coughing. “I’m glad dad and grandpa are out of town,” he >mumbled. MIKE: Why? Didn't you just say that Nobuyuki endorsed the use of pot? >Feeling left out, Sasami took one and lit it. TOM: You mean FIVE PEOPLE taking one to two puffs each managed to smoke down one entire joint?! CROW: They're small joints. MIKE: Or big puffs. >She took a >small drag and coughed. It wasn’t bad. TOM: Naah, putting toxic chemicals into your lungs is fun! >She took another one and >coughed some more. It wasn’t a painful cough, just a light one. >She began to feel a little light in the head, and took another >one. MIKE: So, what you're saying is that she took another puff? CROW: Hmm... no, I think he's saying that she took another puff. TOM: No! You're both wrong! She took ANOTHER puff!! MIKE and CROW: Ahhh... >Ryoko and Aeka were now smoking on their joints heavily. TOM: Wait... I thought they were passing around one joint, except for Sasami who lit her own? CROW: Maybe the author was high when he wrote this? MIKE: That would explain so many things. >Ryoko finished hers and picked out another. MIKE: Chain pot smoking, graphically portrayed! >A small cloud was >becoming apparent over their heads, but none of them noticed. CROW: Then it couldn't have been TOO apparent. >Ryoko and Aeka were now getting high, and illusions started >appearing. MIKE: [As Ayeka, Cockney Accent] Ryoko, do you see that yellow submarine following us? >Ryoko suddenly saw two Aekas. TOM: The Patti Duke show!! >One was puffing on a joint >and the other was hugging on Tenchi, who was also puffing. CROW: Wait... so one Ayeka was smoking and the other was holding onto Tenchi and was smoking as well? TOM: I think he means that the other Ayeka was hugging a smoking Tenchi. >The second Aeka started licking Tenchi’s face up and down and then >feeling up his crotch with her hand. ALL: [Stare in Horror] CROW: So... this is when the main part of the Lemon starts, eh? TOM: Please, no... please, no... MIKE: [Muttering] There's no place like home, there's no place like home... >“HEY!” she shouted at the second Aeka. “YOU STOP THAT!!” TOM: [As Ryoko, prudish] Nobody ordered a prostitute, we'll take her right away... >“What are you talking about?” asked the first Aeka. MIKE: [As Ayeka] Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Ryoko? >“I’m not talking to you! I’m talking to the other Aeka!” >The second Aeka looked at Ryoko. “Yeah! You!” >“What are you talking about?!” Tenchi asked. TOM: Repetition: A Writer's Filler Dream. >“And you! You’ll let that slut feel you up and you won’t >even kiss me?!” Ryoko rose to punch the second Aeka, but fell >flat on her face. ALL: [Monotone] Ha. Ha. Ha. >She picked herself up and looked at Tenchi but >the second Aeka was gone. >“You’re acting weirder than usual,” Aeka said. TOM: 'More weird', please! Proper grammar, Princess! Proper grammar! >She then looked to Sasami puffing on her joint and saw a large red devil CROW: Ugh... I have this horrible feeling it's going to turn out to be Jerry Lewis. >standing behind her. “Who are you?!” ALL: WHAT DO YOU WANT?! DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING WORTH LIVING FOR?! >she asked the devil. >The devil only smiled and looked down at Sasami with a >hungry look in his eyes. TOM: [Deep] Got Princess? >“Who are you talking to?” Tenchi asked. >“That devil man!” MIKE: [Singing] Devil man, please listen... you don't know what you're missin'. >Aeka shouted, pointing to the man above >Sasami’s head. “You stay away from my sister.” >Sasami giggled wildly. “You’re acting funny, Aeka,” she >said in a high voice, and began to laugh some more. CROW: Tragically, Sasami actually was smoking the fabled Helium Joint. >Mihoshi was looking pretty pale, and was rocking back and >forth slowly. MIKE: What? Is she at a Nine Inch Nails concert or something? >She did not seem to be taking the effects of the >drug very well. TOM: That's odd... you'd think with all the Earth junk food she eats, she'd be the least effected. >She vomited a little in her mouth but managed to >swallow it back. ALL: Yeeeech!! >“I don’t feel so well,” she mumbled. >“Yeah,” Kiyone said, “well it’s about time. You been >feeling way to happy lately and it pisses me off. MIKE: Kiyone goes postal. >When are you going to just shut the hell up with all that god >damn happiness and start acting like an actual person?!” CROW: When everyone else starts acting in character? TOM: Actually, he's not doing such a bad job with Mihoshi or Kiyone. >Kiyone’s eyes were playing tricks on her, and she was seeing double. MIKE: You know... it could be the POT?! TOM: Hey! What do you think?! Kiyone's some kind of police detective or something?! >She looked at one Mihoshi and then the other. CROW: [As Londo] There are more of you... THERE ARE MORE OF YOU!!! >“Your both despicable.” she said disgustedly. MIKE: [Sylvester] Suffering Succotash! >“Why, if I’d known I was going to have to put up >with two a’ yas, I’d have quit the agency long ago.” >Tenchi, not quite high yet, was getting worried. CROW: Slowly, the rusty gears turned in his head. >“I think we may need to stop, what’d ya say?” TOM: What's this? A glimmer of hope? >No one was listening to him. TOM: I knew it was too good to be true. >“Sasami!!” Aeka yelled. “Get away from that devil man!!” CROW: Stalin? Here? >Sasami burst into hysterics. >Mihoshi finally lost it and threw up. MIKE: The maid screamed. CROW: A shot rang out. TOM: We already used this joke. >Kiyone, unmindful of Mihoshi’s condition, still cussed her >out. TOM: [Grudgingly] Okay... I can see Kiyone doing that if she was high... >Ryoko was puffing at an incredible pace. ALL: Choo choo!! >Tenchi began to worry and, without thinking, lit another >joint. MIKE: I tell you, whenever I am worried about what I'm smoking, I light up another one. TOM: Don't we all? >Aeka finally tackled her raving sister, and kicked at the >devil man. CROW: Ten yard penalty! >The devil disappeared with a laugh, and Aeka held her >sister with increasing intensity. MIKE: Wow. Good thing Sasami is used to these kind of hugs from her mom, huh? >She was growing increasingly >paranoid and began to scream for her sister to stop laughing. CROW: How does being paranoid relate to wanting her sister to stop laughing? >This only made her sister laugh harder and louder. >“Hey Tenchi,” Ryoko said. “If Aeka can have you, then I >want you too!” She ripped off her shirt, showing her breasts and >crawled towards Tenchi on her hands and knees. CROW: Saaaaay... >“Oh, no you don’t!” Aeka yelled, throwing her sister away. >“I want him!” She ripped off her own shirt and crawled to Tenchi CROW: [Excited] All right! Topless girl fight!! >“You shut up!” Ryoko said, getting on her knees. “He’s >going to be mine you . . . you . . . bitch!!” TOM: Oooh! That stings. >“You shut up you . . . you . . . slut!!” TOM: Whoa! What a come back! >“Slut?! I’ll kill you for that!!” >“Bring it on, slut!” >Ryoko threw a punch, missing by a mile, and fell to her >face. MIKE: [Dull] Oh. The action. The suspense. TOM: [Ditto] The witty dialog. >Aeka threw a slap, missing when Ryoko fell and landed on top >of her. CROW: [Really excited] YES!!!! MIKE: Crow... it's no different from a hundred other lemon fics. CROW: Hey... there can't be too much of a good thing. TOM: The fics WE read are good things? CROW: [Pauses] Point taken. Just ruin my fun, whydoncha. >“Get off me!!” CROW: [As Ryoko] Get me off!! MIKE: CROW!! CROW: I can dream, can't I? >“I’m trying!!” TOM: [As Ayeka] But I can't get up! >Aeka finally picked herself up and fell to her butt. MIKE: Don't you mean 'on'? TOM: Not necessarily. She might have split herself into two pieces. >Tenchi, now very high, found the fight to be extremely >humorous. He laughed loudly. TOM: Ah, so in the space of thirty seconds he went from being stone sober to high as a kite? >Ryoko forgot what she was fighting about, or even who she >was fighting with, and just threw punches into the air. MIKE: [As Ryoko] Take that, molecules! >Aeka, also in the dark over who or what she was fighting >decided to give it up and staggered over to the couch. TOM: Arr, matey. 'Tis was a good joint, arrr... >She fell asleep in seconds. MIKE: Speed Sleep competition! >Ryoko, giving up on the fight with the air, also staggered >over to the couch and laid down next to Aeka. CROW: Strange bedfellows. >She wrapped her arms around Aeka and closed her eyes. >“Goodnight, Tenchi,” she said to Aeka. MIKE: Say 'Goodnight, Tenchi'. >“Goodnight, Tenchi,” Aeka answered back. TOM: Hey! You peeked! >Kiyone, still furious with the two Mihoshis, continued her >yelling. “And another thing!! Just why in the hell did you >become a fucking police detective?! TOM: Whoa! Calm down there, Kiyone... >You obviously have no talent!! How did you become so fucking far?! >How did you pass your fucking EXAM?!!” ALL: Luck. >Mihoshi wasn’t able to swallow back her vomiting for long, >and threw up all over her self. MIKE: Ugh. Well, that was pleasant. >“Ew,” she mumbled, feeling her stomach taking hoopdy loops in her > body. TOM: Hoopy frood! > “I don’t feel so good.” CROW: The phrase most uttered by a fanfic reader? TOM: The phrase most uttered by a Jack-In-The-Box customer? MIKE: The last phrase uttered by Elvis? >She dry vomited for awhile, and laid down slowly. MIKE: Oh, spare me none of the details. >She rested herself in her own puke and waited for her stomach to subside. ALL: [Laugh] TOM: Oh, come /on/! Mihoshi is not THAT stupid! She'd know not to lay in her own waste products! >Mihoshi fell asleep before her stomach did. CROW: Neat trick. >Kiyone had no idea Mihoshi fell asleep. MIKE: She thought Mihoshi was lying in her own puke because it felt warm. >In fact, only one of the Mihoshis she saw were asleep. TOM: Well, then... she KNEW MIHOSHI WAS ASLEEP, didn't she? > The other was getting a promotion. CROW: She refused to be a pawn any longer. >Somehow, the whole room had turned into the Galaxy TOM: Dump. The best place for this fic. >Police Promotion’s Office, and everyone in her whole life was >congratulating Mihoshi. CROW: [As Kiyone] Scarecrow! Cowardly Lion! >She saw Mitsuki give the blond ditz a trophy of honor ship. CROW: [As Kiyone] And Mitsuki, too! >Kiyone had had quite enough of this. MIKE: [As Kiyone] GET ME OUT OF THIS FIC! I'M CALLING MY AGENT! > “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU >DOING?!!! WHY ARE YOU GIVING HER THE TROPHY?!! >WHY NOT ME?!! GIVE IT TO ME!! I DESERVE IT!!!! NOT >HER!! ME!!!!” TOM: [Jen Brady] Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! >Tears >rolled down her face as she cried to all the people she had ever >met, pleading with them to stop this nonsense and to notice her. >But they didn’t listen. CROW: Of course not. No one listens to a pot-head. >No one ever listened, Kiyone thought. >No one will ever listen! They don’t care! WHY DON’T THEY >CARE?!! >Kiyone cried and cried. TOM: The readers got angrier and angrier. >Meanwhile, with the fight of Ryoko against Aeka now over, >Tenchi was occupying himself by laughing at Kiyone. CROW: [As Tenchi] She has GREEN HAIR! HAR HAR HAR! >He didn’t know why, but the sight of her blubbering her eyes out was >extremely humorous. MIKE: [Chuckling] Humorous, heh. 'Cause the eyes have humours... >He almost busted a gut laughing at her. TOM: How many does he have? >Sasami, however, had ended her laughing fit and was >wondering how to win Tenchi. TOM: [Gameshow Host] Only if the Price is Right! >Tenchi was so hot, and she wanted >him to be hers. MIKE: [Getting sick] Ugh... not a Sasami lemon, please... >That’ll show Aeka I’m not a kid, she thought to >herself. “I know! I’ll make him dinner!!” CROW: [As Sasami] Like I do every night! It's GOT to work this time! >She picked herself up and went into the kitchen. MIKE: Having forgot where the bathroom was. >“I wander TOM: [Singing] the mean streets... >what I’ll make,” she thought to herself. She thought she better >light the stove first and then think about it. She turned the >gas on. Was she supposed to put it at 200 or 500? MIKE: Um, to cook nothing at all? I'm guessing '0'. >“Better make >it five-hundred. Don’t want it to take too long.” TOM: Yeah, nothing does take a long time to cook. >It took her a >while to light a match to light the stove, but she finally got it >working. Next, she took a big pot and filled it with water. She put >it one the stove, and let it boil. “I think I’ll make him boiled >pork and beans,” she said. “That sounds like a good idea. >Wonder why I never thought of it before.” MIKE: Because Japanese don't normally eat pork and beans? CROW: Hmm... hamdingers would be nice, too. >She got a can of porkers ALL: [Laugh hysterically] TOM: [Incredulous] /PORKERS/?! > from the cupboard and poured the >contents in the pot. She watched it boil for a few minutes and >forgot totally what she was doing. “What was I doing?” ALL: [Dully] Cooking pork and beans. TOM: [Snickering] And porkers! >she asked herself. “Ah, must not have been very important.” She left the >pot and went back into the living room. MIKE: /INTENSE/ /ROOM/ /ENTERING/ /ACTION/! >Meanwhile, the pot, taking little time to boil at 500 >degrees, sprayed beans and water all over the kitchen, making a >frightful mess. At twelve o clock, the pot would turn over and >the water would put out the fire. TOM: But that's in the future and has no baring on what's happening now. >The gas, however, would run on into the night. CROW: Run into the night! >Sasami reentered the living room. “Hey Tenchi!” she said. >Tenchi turned around, his eyes having a funny glaze to them. TOM: This week's special at Dunken Donuts: Funny Glaze! >“I can be a woman too!” she said. MIKE: [Singing] You'll be a woman... sooon... > She tried to walk seductively >towards Tenchi, looking really stupid in the process. Tenchi >howled with laughter, almost splitting a gut. CROW: Again with the gut! >Sasami, undaunted, continued her to come, MIKE: [Confused] 'Continued her to come', what? >trying hard as ever to look seductive, and >tripped over Mihoshi. She hit her head hard, but didn’t feel any >pain. ALL: Thanks to pot! >She picked herself up and felt something wet on her head. CROW: I'm guessing that's Mihoshi's puke. >She touched it, smearing a thick red liquid over her forehead. CROW: Then again... >“Is that blood?” she asked TOM: No, it's puke! Weren't you listening?! >no one in particular and all of a sudden felt very light-headed. >She then began to feel woozy and noticed the wet feeling on her >head running down her face. She grew very tired very quickly and >konked out. She was dead in a few hours. ALL: [Shocked silence] MIKE: Well... I don't think that was expected. TOM: It was dark, but not in a 'fun' way. CROW: I wanna go home. >Kiyone, still crying, was growing increasingly depressed. >She picked herself up and went into the kitchen. CROW: The only place for a woman! *SMACK* Ow! MIKE: I'm not having my social life ruined any MORE because of you. >“This is the only way to make it better,” she said to herself, taking a >butcher knife from a kitchen drawer. CROW: There is knife. Take it? >She looked at it for a while and took a deep sigh. TOM: I thought she took a knife? >She plunged it into her chest. >Suddenly, she felt a deep pain in her chest MIKE: Well, duuuuh! What the hell did she expect to happen?! >and fell to her knees. Her fingers were still locked around the handle >of the knife which was deep in her heart, but she had no idea what was >causing the pain. TOM: I'm beginning to think it wasn't Mihoshi's fault Kiyone never got promoted. >She then fell over and unconscious. >She was dead when she hit the ground. ALL: [Silence] CROW: This does not bode well. >Tenchi now had nothing to laugh at and was just staring at >nothingness. MIKE: [As Tenchi] Whoa... what if, like... I'm a character in a poorly written story... whoaaa.... >He began getting very board and remembered that his >dad kept a revolver in his drawer beside the bed. ALL: WHAT?! TOM: Okay, that's just plain absurd! Why would NOBUYKI keep a HANDGUN?! Y'know, they're kinda restrictive of that kind of thing in Japan. >His father had told him one day that he kept it there because he and >Tenchi’s mother had gotten robbed at gunpoint when Tenchi’s mother >was pregnant. CROW: You've got to be kidding me. TOM: So, Tenchi's parents were robbed at gunpoint in Japan, a country noted for it's lack of crime, in the middle of the WILDERNESS?! And Nobuyuki, rather than do something sensible, like, oh, say.... TELL THE POLICE, buys a gun!? >Tenchi now thought what a gas it would be to shoot that >thing, just once. CROW: Ah, but gas is /leaking/, remember? MIKE: No, that won't happen until midnight. CROW: Oh, right. Sorry. >He hobbled into his dad’s bedroom and opened the drawer. >There was the gun. “Hiya, Mr. Gun.” ALL: Hi, Tenchi! >“Hiya,” Mr. Gun answered Tenchi. Mr. Gun didn’t have a >mouth, but Tenchi could hear the voice in his head. MIKE: [Clutching his head] The voices! The voices! Make them stop!! TOM: You do that too well, Mike. >“You want me to shoot ya?” >“Shore!” Mr. Gun said. Tenchi picked Mr. Gun up and pointed it towards the far wall CROW: [As 'Mr. Gun'] No! Wait! I meant I wanted you to take me to the SHORE!! MIKE: [As 'Mr. Gun'] No! I mean, I want you to shoot Pauly Shore! TOM: Amen to that. >and pulled the trigger. ALL: [Hold breath] >The trigger didn’t budge. ALL: [Exhale] >“What’s wrong with this thing?!” Tenchi shouted at Mr. Gun. >“Why won’t you shoot?!” CROW: No bullets? TOM: There is handgun bullets. Take it? >He looked inside the barrel and pulled the trigger. The trigger >didn’t budge. >“Damn thing!” He then remembered his father tell him about >the safety one time. “Always keep this thing to on,” he had told >Tenchi. “That must be how you shoot it.” MIKE: [As Tenchi] By turning the safety ON! >Tenchi searched Mr. Gun and found the safety. He switched >it to off and looked in the barrel once more. >This time Mr. Gun went off by himself. CROW: [As 'Mr. Gun'] I told you wanted to go to the shore, dammit! >At one o’ clock, Mihoshi rolled onto her stomach during her >sleep and put her face right in her own vomit. MIKE: [Mihoshi, sleepy] I don't remember eating that... >Too doped to move, she couldn’t turn over. It took her two minutes >to drown. TOM: Ah, I see. So she wasn't too doped up to move BEFORE she set her face in her own vomit, but as soon as she DID, she became too doped up. >At five o’ clock, Aeka woke up. She felt a hand on her >breast. “Oh, Tenchi,” she said, and put her hand over the hand >holding her breast and squeezed it. She then slipped out of her >dress and panties and snuggled up closer to the person laying >beside her. She fell asleep again, totally naked with the person >she thought was Tenchi. TOM: Sadly, it was in actuality Washu. >She died happy, CROW: [Minnesotan] Aww, aint that nice, donchaknow. >although doped up and ignorant. The gas was >what killed her. MIKE: Damn you! I told you to get the Bean-o! >Ryoko woke at six, next to a naked Aeka. “What the-” she >said, rolling off the couch and flopping on the floor. She >didn’t know why Aeka was next to her and naked or why her own >hand had been on Aeka’s breast. CROW: Ryoko soothes the savage breast. >She didn’t care much either. >She only wanted to be around Tenchi. She had too much of a >hangover to think of anything else. MIKE: A /hangover/ from /pot/? CROW: Maybe it was the gas? TOM: Hey wait a minute... shouldn't the gas have killed Ryoko, too? >She wandered into the next room, which happened to be the >kitchen and noticed something hissing loudly. She couldn’t >breath well in the room, so she tried the next room, Tenchi’s >father’s bedroom. ALL: [Start making 'bunckachickawaka' nosies] >“Oh, Tenchi,” she called softly, her lack of breath >prohibiting her from calling loudly CROW: Sue-we! Sue-we! Tenchi-Tenchi-Tenchi-Tenchi! >“Ah, there you are.” She spotted him lying silently on the >ground, a dark liquid around him. She hardly noticed the >liquid when she laid down in it to sleep beside Tenchi. TOM: SLEEEEEEP! >She also died happy, although ignorant and doped up. TOM: Just like the other one. >She was also killed by the gas. MIKE: Oh, for the simple lack of Bean-o! >Jamey, living across town, woke up with a start. CROW: [As Jamey] What am I doing living in Japan?! I'm AMERICAN! >He had been having wicked dreams because of all >the dope he had had from the party, and had just finished one. TOM: Finished one what? Dope, a party, or a dream? >This one had been a nightmare though, and his conscience >was bugging him like hell. MIKE: Damn Crickets! Heh heh... cause, like... BUGGING him. CONSCIENCE. Jimmy Cricket...? CROW: Yes, Mike, we know. >This scared the shit out of him because >his conscience never bugged him. TOM: [As Jamey] I thought I crushed that little tattle-tale long ago! >He remembered the dream had been about that weird white >haired girl and that purple haired girl he had met at school. MIKE: Okay, the purple-haired girl must be Ayeka... who's the white haired girl? TOM: Maybe someone who read this fic. >It had been about Tenchi too, but he couldn’t remember anything else >about it. CROW: He was kinda glad. >He just knew that his conscience was tearing him apart TOM: His conscience is a Cenobite! >and it had something to do with those three. ALL: [Singing to 'We Three Kings'] Those three characters were in his dream... where they acted quite obscene... >Later, when Jamey saw on the news that the three were dead, ALL: DUN DUN DUNNNN!! TOM: [Shatner] There's... something-on-the-wing! >he would have a clue to why his conscience was on a tidal wave. CROW: It had won an all-expense paid trip to Bermuda! >He would also have more than enough incentive to blow his >own head off. ALL: [Cheer!] >His vast collection of pot had, obviously, fucked up his brain. >If it hadn’t, he would never had gotten the reputation he’d had >when he was alive. MIKE: See guys? It's a happy ending after-all! >Meanwhile, the devil from pot land was laughing his ass off. ALL: [Just blink at the screen] MIKE: Well. TOM: Huh. CROW: Interesting. TOM: The Devil From Pot Land. Hm. They have a devil for everything nowadays. >Words from Aubrey Fogle: MIKE: Oh, /this/ should be fun. >I will admit that I was taking a chance with this fic, but I >don’t care. CROW: Oh, I think you will when we beat the pulp out of you. >It’s only fiction anyways, and there’s no reason to >get angry about it. TOM: How about psychotic? >If you don’t like the fic, you can send me >emails saying that you disliked the fic. MIKE: We disliked the fic. >If you hated the fic and would like to cuss me out and tell everyone that I’m a huge freak monkey, go ahead. ALL: WE HATED THE FIC AND YOU'RE A HUGE FREAK MONKEY! >It might make for good advertising and more people will TOM: Unlikely. CROW: Though, if there's a sudden surge in homicides, we'll know he was right. >read it. I invite hate mail or fan mail. MIKE: One guess which kind you'll get from us. >But please don’t think that just because you think this fic sucks >that all the other fics I have on this site suck too. MIKE: Right. >In fact, you may enjoy one and dislike the other. MIKE: Right. >I try to let each of my fics have its own personality, and this one >just happens to be brutally honest. MIKE: Righ... hey, wait a minute?! Honest about WHAT?! >And one more thing. TOM: Bite me. >The moral of this story is, if you’re going to get high, MIKE: Ready everyone? Quickfire! TOM: Don't drown in your own vomit. CROW: Make sure the person you get naked with is the person you want to get naked with. MIKE: Don't leave the gas on. TOM: Don't go and talk to 'Mr. Gun'. CROW: Lastly, never, ever stab yourself in the heart. >don’t expect to impress anybody with it, don’t >use too much cause you might get sick, although it’s not >addictive, it’s not for young people, don’t use it if you get >depressed easily, and above all, NEVER COOK WHILE YOU’RE >HIGH!! ALL: That too. >And, for those of you who hate unhappy endings: TOM: [Hopeful] You really /are/ going to stab yourself with a butcher knife? >Jamey woke up with a start. CROW: NOOO! He's back alive! This was supposed to be the HAPPY ending! TOM: Him dying was the only GOOD thing about this fic! >Ever since he’d started smoking pot, he’d had these really wild >dreams and most of them were nightmares. MIKE: So, rather than stopping, he decided to keep smoking it. >“That’s it with the pot,” he said to himself. “No more of >that crap!” ALL: Fanfiction! >He picked himself out of bed and wandered to his >closet. He slipped into a pair of jeans and a shirt. He looked >to his clock: 7:45. He wouldn’t have time to take a shower or >eat breakfast, but maybe Tenchi would lend him five bucks at >school. >Later, at school, Tenchi did indeed lend him five bucks. ALL: [Pause] CROW: So... the 'happy ending' was that Jamey bummed five bucks off of Tenchi... even though they use YEN in Japan. MIKE: I guess so. TOM: Mike, I feel empty. Let's go. [ALL get up and leave the theater] [SOL. Mike is standing with TOM. CROW is nowhere to be seen] MIKE: So, Tom, what have we learned today about pot? TOM: It makes you write bad fanfiction? MIKE: No, that's caused by a lack of social life. TOM: Oh! Then... um... that you shouldn't do it. MIKE: Right! TOM: ...Unless it's to get girls. MIKE: [Sighs] [CROW appears, holding a book in his claw] CROW: Guess what I've found, guys! It was in the hold! It's a Diary of -- LOVE! MIKE: Huh? CROW: Y'know... that Love woman Doctor Forrester was with! This is her diary! TOM: All right! Open 'er up and let's have a listen! CROW: [Clears throat then begins reading] "May twenty-third. Clayton -wubby is so wonderful! He introduced me to something called 'Pot'! He said he got it from some Japanese exchange student named Nobuyuki. It's groovy! I can see why that Nobuyuki guy is so popular with the girls! Why, I had visions of being hit over the head, sent into this satellite, and forced to watch bad movies! I told my wuvvy-dubby-Clayton-wation about it and he thought it was a great idea! He's gonna start making a satellite to do just that! He's so evil, that's what I love about him! Oh! And he's gonna name it after me, ain't that keen?! "July First. That bastard! He tricked me into going up here! Well, I'll show him! I've gained control of the controls and I'm going to RAM this satellite into the earth! BWAHAHA! It'll take Forrester YEARS to repair it! AND he'll have to find some other person to send up here." MIKE: [Silence] I... see. TOM: Well. You're proven right, Crow. Congrads. [MADs light blinks, MIKE punches it] [Castle Forrester] PEARL: Dammit! You survived! Well, don't you worry, Nelson. I'll get you yet! [Fade Out]