Well, I posted this on my page, and then decided that could get the most critical comments if I posted it here. It is, once again, a revision of my first MST of this particular story from our seemingly favorite author -- apparent from the number of people who've dedicated time to tearing her stories apart, and our dear, formerly- innocent Sardonyx-chan, who graced us with that "For My Lady" parody (Gita-chan and I are also working on our own parody of sorts. . .) -- and, once again, I'm counting on Stephi-chan to play the Counting Game (oh, and whomever wants to write another sickeningly disgusting parody is welcome to. . .). If anyone notices the "Charlie's Angels" feel, kudos to you. My friend James is a horndog, and I was pressed for ideas. He's got a small part, as do my friends Alison and her (now ex-)boyfriend, Alex, who begged for a cameo, and will never, EVER be so foolish again. Anyways, onward. . . Zoisite84, who still giggles at the mention of "Manly Sausage Roll" and "Little Malachite." * * * * (Three girls are shown splashing about in a spacious pool. The first, PHOEBE, tosses a beach ball into the air, her long, blonde hair swinging and sprinkling water about. The one who catches it, JESSICA, grins and splashes the third, STEPHANIE, who ducks under the water and pulls her friend underneath as well. PHOEBE shakes her head and begins swimming laps.) JESSICA: [Running her hand through her short, Cardcaptor Sakura- styled hair] You're so mean, Stephi-chan. STEPHANIE: [Wringing her long, brown hair out] Moi? I simply retaliated. _You_ were the one who splashed me, or don't you remember? JESSICA: Yeah, well. . .PHOEBE threw the ball. STEPHANIE: Yeah. . .let's get her! PHOEBE: Hey! (A full-scale water fight ensues. The three girls are so busy splashing each other that they fail to notice their manager of sorts, ALISON, walk out to the pool side. . .until it's too late.) ALISON: [Sputtering as she is sprayed with water] Hey, c'mon, you three, cut it out and listen! (The girls all wade over, giggling and catching their breath. JESSICA snatches up her towel and tosses STEPHANIE and PHOEBE theirs; STEPHANIE offers hers to ALISON, who shakes her head.) ALISON: S'okay; my hair will dry soon enough. I just wanted to tell you girls that JAMES is on the intercom, and. . . JESSICA/STEPHANIE/PHOEBE: (in unison) We're there! (The three rush upstairs to the computer room in PHOEBE's home, and crowd around the computer-operated intercom. ALISON appears a few moments later, pausing to catch her breath. JAMES' voice is the only acknowledgement that an actual person is speaking - the girls have never seen him, nor do they ever expect to.) JAMES: Good morning, Hentai Angels. HENTAI ANGELS: Good morning, JAMES! JAMES: I have a special assignment for you three today. Someone has entered onto the World Wide Web and began posting illegitimate smut about two dubbed characters from the anime, Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon. You've heard of Malachite and Zoycite, I presume? JESSICA: Well, sure. The dub is infamous for its slander of alternate lifestyles, sloppily altered scenes, and lack of characterization. Zoycite is actually Zoisite in the original, a homosexual male in love with Kunzite, Malachite's alter-ego. JAMES: That's correct. Rumor has it that this person refuses to see the light, so to speak, about Malachite and Zoycite's true forms; she writes bad hentai stories about them, and this particular one needs some special attention. You girls are up to it, I take it? (As he speaks, another window on the computer automatically opens, and the story, "Malachite's Sexy Kitty," appears on the screen.) STEPHANIE: Of course, JAMES. By any chance, do you have any information about the author? JAMES: There's hardly anything confirmed. Rumor has it that they are female, between the ages of ten and fifty, and in close proximity of both Disney coloring books and trashy romance novels. Anyways, I'll be checking in with you three later to hear your report. Good luck, Hentai Angels. HENTAI ANGELS: (in unison) Thank you, JAMES! PHOEBE: Well, girls, should we get to it? JESSICA/STEPHANIE: (together) Hai! >>The young girl stretched intensely and got up from her warm place on the dark blue velvety couch. Zoisite, or Zoi Kitty as her master called her, had just had a nice refreshing after - dinner catnap and now she was ready for some fun!<< JESSICA: (skeptically) Zoi Kitty? Catnap? I've watched the dub in detail, and never once did I see Zoycite display any cat-like features. STEPHANIE: Ah, the Proper Usage Nazi makes her first appearance, and it's only the first couple of sentences! The hyphen in "after-dinner" should not be separately spaced. >>She was quite an interesting and beautiful creature - being part human and part kitty cat. She had long soft copper colored hair, big green eyes, and pale ivory skin. Instead of human ears, she possessed perky kitty ears covered with fur the same color as her honey mane. And she had a long, thick, tail that matched her hair in color and softness. She could also purr and meow just like a kitty, as well as speak in her human voice.<< PHOEBE: Would we file that under "bi-lingual" then? >>Of course she had just had a dream about kitty stuff, like chasing after mice and drinking milk from a saucer, but that was just part of being a kitty girl. She had both human instincts and kitty instincts. She was a warrior girl who sometimes got these strange urges to play around with colored balls of yarn. Her master was both intrigued and amused by her cute and cunning personality.<< JESSICA: Her co-workers are probably pretty damned amused by it, too. I, for one, would be finding her psychiatric help if I caught _my_ girlfriend drinking out of a saucer. Once she asks to start using a litter-box, that would cinch it for me. >>Zoisite made her way down the castle's long hallway to her master's bedchamber.<< STEPHANIE: (snidely) On two legs, or four? >>She usually slept there also, curled up next to Malachite in his bed.<< PHOEBE: Or at his feet, when she didn't sleep in her kennel. >>She nudged the door open and stuck her head inside the dimly lit room.<< JESSICA: It's called a doorknob, Zoycite. Use it. >>Her keen kitty ears<< STEPHANIE: _Not_ human ears! >>picked up the sound of her master's deep, even breathing. Malachite was asleep.<< JESSICA: [Rolling eyes] Thank you, Captain Obvious. >>"Well, he's slept long enough. He needs to wake up," she thought mischievously and crept quietly over to the large bed. Zoi Kitty sprang lightly onto the mattress and wagged her tail.<< STEPHANIE: As one who is owned by two cats, I can speak from experience: felines do _not_ wag their tails unless they're seriously pissed off. >>She loved the bed - it was so comfortable to sleep in or play on.<< PHOEBE: It was ten times more comfortable than the circular little cat bed Malachite had picked up for her during his trip to Earth, last week. >>She crawled over to Malachite, who was wearing only his uniform pants, having tossed his jacket, cape and boots to the floor.<< JESSICA: Well, _yeah_. If he's only wearing pants, then it's to be assumed that all other articles of clothing are elsewhere. >>Zoisite discarded her own clothes - jeans and a soft pink sweater that she had changed into when she got home from her mission.<< STEPHANIE: (dryly) She'd been sent by Malachite to the largest grocery store in Tokyo, in an attempt to compare prices on cat food. Her little "kitty" obsession was getting expensive. >>Her jeans, as well as her other pants, had an opening just large enough for her kitty tail to go through. Malachite sometimes teased her by playing with her tail when no one else was looking.<< PHOEBE: _Right_. It's orange and fluffy, and it's sticking out of a pair of altered jeans. Who _wouldn't_ be looking? >>Zoisite put her face close to the sleeping man and mewed softly to get his attention. Her lover remained in his sleeping state. Zoisite knew that Malachite was a deep sleeper. She decided to tease him a little.<< JESSICA: She stuck her tongue as far down into his ear as she could, and when that did nothing to wake him, grabbed his pillow out from under his head and ran clear to the other end of the castle. >>Zoi Kitty brushed her beautiful tail lightly over Malachite's chest. She prized her kitty tail highly because besides being pretty, it had very good uses for pleasing Malachite in bed or anywhere she wanted to! She had excellent control of it and was able to make it do many things. She could pick things up, squeeze them, shake them, open doors, draw or write, and pull off clothes, to name a few.<< STEPHANIE: It's one of the Anime Laws of Physics: tails, extra limbs, and long hair have remarkable endurance and control. >>Zoisite's tail tickled her lover's nipples, causing Malachite to stir a little with a faint moan.<< PHOEBE: She's jumped on the bed, screwed with his face, and is now rubbing herself all over him and he's failed to notice? Zoi Kitty oughta be checking his pulse to see if he's dead! >>Zoi Kitty giggled to herself. This was fun!<< JESSICA: At least _someone's_ enjoying herself. >>She moved her tail all over Malachite's chest, concentrating especially on the sensitive spots. Malachite responded with soft moaning.<< STEPHANIE: Malachite, just finished working the graveyard shift, was not appreciative of Zoycite's constant craving for sex, and promptly blasted her to oblivion as her tail started messing with him. The End. >>Zoi Kitty straddled her lover, leaned down and licked one of Malachite's nipples while her tail stimulated the other one.<< PHOEBE: That's a _long_ tail. >>The charm hanging from her pale blue collar tapped his skin. It read "Zoi Kitty", and had Malachite's name on it as the owner, and his Negaverse castle as the address.<< JESSICA: So, she has a hole in her pants, fuzzy ears, and wears a collar? No _wonder_ she doesn't get any respect from her associates. STEPHANIE: What's with calling it "his" Negaverse castle? Does she not live there, too? PHOEBE: The author apparently enjoys the traditional passive female role, even though Zoycite is the last woman who fits that description. >>Malachite opened his eyes with a sleepy groan of pleasure. Zoi Kitty looked into the silvery blue eyes of her lover and gave him a cute mischievous little smile while her tail still played around on him. Malachite smiled back, looking into her big green eyes that sparkled playfully. How nice it was to be awakened by his sweet little Zoi Kitty!<< JESSICA: Malachite inwardly cursed himself for not remembering to secure the lock on Zoi Kitty's kennel. Stupid cat was always barging into his room uninvited. >>Zoisite continued to play with Malachite.<< STEPHANIE: She put braids in his hair, threw a couple of food items at him, and sprayed him with Silly String, before trotting out of the room on all fours, cackling maniacally. >>She licked him more and let her tail roam down to his pants where it rubbed playfully over the fabric of his crotch. "Mmmm…" Malachite moaned at her sweet touch.<< PHOEBE: Geez. . .anyone want to guess how many times "kitty" has been used in this story already? STEPHANIE: Eight. I've been counting. >>He reached up and stroked her ears lovingly, causing her to purr. Zoisite's kitty ears were very sensitive to touch as well as sound and when they were touched in the right way, it felt heavenly to her.<< STEPHANIE: Nine. And I worry about Malachite, simply because he _knows_ how to stimulate his pet cat. >>Zoisite enjoyed the sensation and arched up a little while her ears were caressed. "Feel good, dear?" asked Malachite, petting her head.<< JESSICA: But Zoi Kitty, being the kitty-like cat creature she was, could only respond with mewling purrs. >>"Yes," she replied. "Oooooh, Malachite, do more!" Malachite obliged. He wanted her to feel good, too.<< PHOEBE: Is this, like, Animal Appreciation Week in the Negaverse, or something? >>He pulled Zoisite a little closer and nuzzled her kitty ears. Zoisite gasped with pleasure. She could feel Malachite's warm breath on her ears, which pricked with the sensation. Malachite gently kissed each ear, making her giggle and purr - a very interesting sound. She forgot about pleasing Malachite for a few moments and just enjoyed the caresses her lover gave her. Being part kitty, she loved to be petted more than anything else in the world. She purred throatily.<< STEPHANIE: Eleven times. Zoi Kitty sure has a different personality than Lilly, or a lot of cats I know; most felines aren't that gung-ho about being petted. It really builds up the time they have to spend cleaning themselves. >>Malachite smiled. He liked to make her purr. Then Zoisite gave him an impish look and brought her face down to Malachite's crotch.<< JESSICA: That was quick. >>She pulled his zipper down with her teeth and nuzzled what was there. Then she stripped them off.<< PHOEBE: Not realizing that whatever was there in the first place was attached, Zoi Kitty realized her impulsive mistake too late as Malachite began bleeding profusely from the crotch and died. Unfazed, she stole his wallet and lived a decent life on Earth, selling cat products door-to-door. The End. >>She smiled innocently and slipped her kitty tail into Malachite's boxer shorts. The reaction she got was a slight stiffening of Malachite's member.<< STEPHANIE: He's not aroused to the point of erection, already? Malachite needs some sexual therapy, I guess, along with the psychological counseling. >>Purring, she swished her tail around inside, making Malachite murmur in pleasure and even laugh a little because it tickled slightly. He loved Zoisite's tail - it felt so good against his manhood.<< JESSICA: Oh, dear God, _please_ don't start using euphemisms in _this_ `fic, too! Love Pole is about all we can take. >>Zoisite flicked it around playfully, letting it wander over Malachite's parts. She moved forward and kissed her lover deeply while her tail roamed freely in Malachite's boxers. Malachite wrapped his arms around her and moaned through their kissing. They kissed long and passionately.<< PHOEBE: To review: Zoi Kitty started jerking Malachite off with her tail. Malachite, finally noticing, began playing with her ears. Then they kissed. Deeply. Passionately. Eternally. >>Then suddenly Zoisite rose up and stuck out her chest - an indication that she wanted her breasts stimulated and sucked on.<< STEPHANIE: What a bitch - she could have at _least_ said `please.' >>Malachite rubbed her breasts for her, getting more throaty purrs from his lover. He touched each one lovingly, stroking the soft, fine golden hairs that surrounded each pink nipple.<< JESSICA: Hair on her breasts? Like _that's_ sexually arousing. . . >>He sucked on them and tasted a little bit of warm sweet milk - she drank so much of it that her body produced some of it in her breasts as breast milk - another little quirk of hers that made her so unique, and so much fun to love.<< PHOEBE: I think even a twelve-year-old knows that mammals don't just produce milk unless they're pregnant. So, unless there's something Zoi Kitty hasn't told Malachite, this shit about it just being leftover from her digestive track is just that - complete and utter nonsense. >>After she had been suckled enough, Zoisite made her tail grip the band of her lover's shorts and pull them down, to reveal Malachite's stiff member.<< HENTAI ANGELS: (in unison) It's about time! >>Zoi Kitty curled her tail around it and squeezed gently. She got a groan from Malachite. So Zoisite squeezed a little more, getting more moans.<< JESSICA: She's like a two-year-old, the first time they realize that if they pull a dog's tail, it'll either move to a remote location, yelp, or attempt to bite them. >>She then proceeded to do her famous "tail moves" on Malachite's manhood.<< STEPHANIE: That's twice for "manhood." PHOEBE: "Tail Moves?" I take it Malachite has let her do this before, then? JESSICA: Maybe it's Animal Appreciation Month. . . >>She curled her tail tighter, and moved it up and down Malachite's shaft. Malachite shivered in pleasure. Zoi Kitty smiled and made her tail work really hard to bring Malachite to bliss. Her tail muscles massaged Malachite, pulling and pushing in just the right ways. She was good at this.<< PHOEBE: Unfortunately, for Malachite, Zoi Kitty became a bit _too_ confident, and managed to pull his member right off in a single, swift jerk of her tail. Good at this, indeed. >>Zoisite concentrated on working her tail and kissed Malachite, running her slender fingers through his long silky hair, careful not to scratch him.<< JESSICA: She'd already ripped his dick off; no sense in trying his patience again. >>Her expert tail did the job and she felt Malachite stiffen in her grasp and pour his seeds out.<< PHOEBE: That's "seed," not "seeds." JESSICA/STEPHANIE: [Singing] Just tip me over, and pour me out! >>"What a good little kitty you are," said Malachite smiling. Zoisite purred and gave Malachite her expectant "aren't you gonna reward me now" look.<< JESSICA: Malachite considered this for moment, nodded, and pulled out a couple of Scooby Snacks, tossing them to Zoi Kitty and shooing her off the bed so he could get his rest. STEPHANIE: The "kitty" count is up to twelve. >>"Gladly," Malachite said and took her in his arms. He picked up her tail, which was throbbing softly from all its hard work, and kissed it. Then he released it to kiss her ears some more and Zoisite wrapped it around Malachite's neck. Malachite smiled.<< PHOEBE: It was the last smile he would ever elicit, for no sooner had Zoi Kitty wrapped her tail firmly around Malachite's neck did she start to squeeze. He turned blue, then green, then purple, then red, and practically ever other color imaginable, finally collapsing on the bed Zoycite loved so much. >>That was one of Zoi Kitty's cute ways of showing her affection. He placed kisses all over her ears, neck, and breasts - three very sensitive spots for her. Zoisite hugged him with her tail and purred. What a wonderful master she had!<< JESSICA: Before Malachite had picked her up from the Negaverse Pound, no one had ever suspected she could be one of the four Generals of the most powerful queen in the cosmos, let alone get into her master's pants. >>Malachite lay her down and leaned over her. Zoisite's tail wagged excitedly as she anticipated a really good tummy rub. Malachite massaged her stomach in circles, first one way, then another, making Zoi Kitty purr loudly. She just loved having her tummy rubbed! Malachite did this for awhile, knowing how much Zoisite liked it. He smiled, seeing how happy he was making her.<< STEPHANIE: Cats do not, I repeat, do _not_ like tummy rubs. Just what planet has this girl fallen off of? >>Zoisite gave a contented sigh and Malachite moved on to her womanhood.<< PHOEBE: File that under Cheesy Euphemisms, eh, STEPHANIE? STEPHANIE: Right-o. That makes three, though I wonder: would it not be "kittyhood?" JESSICA/PHOEBE: [Blanches] Gross! >>He touched her a little bit with his fingers, and her tail stirred excitedly.<< JESSICA: Just her tail? I guess she has the same sexual arousal problems as Malachite. No _wonder_ they make a good pair. >>He leaned down to kiss her there and she laid her tail over his shoulders, letting it rest around his neck.<< PHOEBE: I guess she _does_ want to choke him. . . >>Malachite pushed his tongue into her love tunnel and Zoisite gasped. Her tail jumped up and stiffened at the sensation. Her soft tail hairs pricked. Malachite thrust his tongue forward and back, tasting his kitty's sweet juices.<< STEPHANIE: That's four euphemisms, thirteen times that "kitty" has been used, and this is getting grosser by the minute. >>Zoisite's tail went crazy and kept whacking Malachite in the head.<< JESSICA: Malachite, his brain sadly defunct from the _last_ time she did such a thing, took no notice, however. >>It ended up in Malachite's face quite a bit and Malachite smiled and nudged it aside. Zoi Kitty purred and moaned again and again in the same breaths, arching her back, trying to push her womanhood closer to Malachite.<< STEPHANIE: Five euphemisms. >>She wanted his tongue deep inside her.<< PHOEBE: She wanted their bodies to connect as no human and half-cat thing had ever connected before. >>Malachite did his best to pleasure her well. When she came, her tail shot out and swished around wildly, attacking Malachite in its frenzied motions.<< JESSICA: Being able to pick up and carry things at will, Zoi Kitty's tail grabbed a knife off the night table, and stabbed at Malachite with it repeatedly. Zoycite laughed maniacally all the while. "Teach _you_ not to buy me tuna for an entire week!" she shrieked. >>Malachite laughed and playfully defended himself from her wild tail, until it relaxed a bit and swished slowly on the satin sheets. Zoisite panted and gave a sigh of happiness.<< STEPHANIE: Malachite, not being the brightest crayon in the box, didn't realize that his beloved Zoi Kitty had homicidal tendencies towards him until her bad aim resulted in a number of holes in the mattress. Malachite made fitting cries of surprise and agony - it was an expensive mattress - and Zoycite was satiated. >>"I love you Malachite," she said.<< PHOEBE: Yeah, _sure_ you do. Just wait until the next time you need a shot, or have to be de-wormed, and _then_ tell me how much you love me. >>"I love you too, my Zoisite, my kitty."<< STEPHANIE: Thirteen separate "kitty" incidences. This is getting redundant. >>"Malachite would you do something else for me?"<< JESSICA: Not until you hand over the list of comparative cat food prices. Or were you too busy cutting up your brand new jeans to finish your assignment? >>"Yes, love?"<< PHOEBE: Here it comes. . . >>"Would you get me some catnip?" she smiled. "All that fun made me want some."<< STEPHANIE: Zoycite needs a new hobby. >>Malachite smiled back and shook his head with amusement.<< JESSICA: As well as extreme sadness; hospitalization would cost even more than cat food. >>What a unique and charming girl he had for a lover! Life would never be dull with her around.<< PHOEBE: Nor would it be cheap. JESSICA: Well, that's done; thank goodness. (JAMES' voice suddenly booms into existence once again.) JAMES: So, Hentai Angels, what's your report? PHOEBE: The author's only sexual experience is clearly the descriptions she's read from those romance novels you find at the drugstore. Her sense of reality is disappointingly low, and bestiality references were rather sickening. STEPHANIE: She obviously has limited access to a thesaurus, having used "kitty" thirteen times, and five or so euphemisms, ranging from "manhood" to the incredibly moronic "love tunnel." Stories of this nature rely on the author's being fearless enough to describe anatomy correctly; this was just silly. JESSICA: Her spelling, grammar and punctuation skills weren't lacking nearly as much as they have in her past `fics. That may well be the only positive aspect of this entire thing. JAMES: Well, I think that takes care of everything. Way to go, Hentai Angels. I'll be getting in touch with you again, I'm sure. HENTAI ANGELS: (in unison) Bye, JAMES! (The girls blink a couple of times and take turns stretching, having sat in front of the computer for quite some time. It is this scene ALISON and her friend, ALEX walk into, both dressed to the nines in Rocky Horror gear.) ALISON: Girls, meet ALEX; we're in the same online Role-Playing group. He's taking me to the midnight showing of Rocky Horror across town, so we'll be eating out. Don't wait up for me, okay? HENTAI ANGELS: O_O ALEX: [Winks] You girls sure you don't want to come with? I'm sure ALISON can help throw together costumes relatively quickly. JESSICA: That's okay - um, I think we're just going to hang around here, watch movies, that sort of thing. Have fun, you two! (STEPHANIE and PHOEBE quickly nod in agreement, and ALISON and ALEX set off to do the Time Warp. The Hentai Angels look at each other a couple of times, and finally burst out laughing.) PHOEBE: Someone oughta tell Alex that black leather and high heels don't quite suit his figure. . . STEPHANIE: Really. So, rumor has it Phoebe's got the first thirteen episodes of Escaflowne stashed in her room, Jessi-chan. JESSICA: Wai! Anime marathon, here we come!