Legal Stuff 'n' such Mystery Science Theatre 3000 & related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. all other characters and likenesses are owned by their respectable owners. Please don't sue me! I'm poorer than dirt! Ken's Notes: This is the alternate version of Chibiusa's Seventh Birthday. The first part is pretty safe for kids, but I wouldn't advise letting them read the second... Unique uses for butter and all that... If you happened to read the original, read this version and you can find the bits that are (Hilariously) changed. With that out of the way, here we gooo! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last time: Legato: What? What did you find? Dan: The alternate version of Chibiusa's 7th Birthday! *Thunderclap and flash of lightning* Legato: Excellent. *grin* *opening song* In the not to distant future, (Who cares just when!) A guy kidnaps some characters And decides just then... (Zoinks!) Legato: I'll send 'em cruddy fanfics. The worst that I can find. (DSF Slime, Miko, Dan, Nakoruru & Rezo:Lalala!) Then we'll see how long They keep their lil' minds (Neko, Dubimon, Team Rocket: Lalala!) Now the tables have been turned! They had tried to send the fic But, the baddies have been burned! They'll just hafta deal it out without getting sick! (Oy vey!) MST'er ROLL CALL! Miko!: (TENTACLES?!) Dubimon!: (Digivolve to... dammit!) Neko!: (Myaww!) Dark Shadowy Figure!: (That's just buggerdly!) Daaan!: (Yowza!) If you're asking how they eat 'n' breathe And, uh, other types of stuff, Calm yourself, put down that bottle 'o' Jolt, And kick back in the buff (eep!), For MST Ripoff 2K! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- (SOAP Control Room) *You come upon all the inhabitants. They are surrounding the vidwindow* Ken-Chan X: So what steaming pile are we to MST this time? Shadow: And is it a lemon? (Dark Place) Legato: Funny you should say that, Shadow. Yes, it is. It's the alternate version of Chibiusa's Seventh Birthday, so watch, squirm and grovel when it's over. *Dark Shadowy Figure, in his normal form, leans over and whispers in Legato's ear.* I KNOW what happened last time! It won't happen again! *Turns to inhabitants* Anyway, see you after the fic. Push the button, Nakoruru! Nakoruru: O-okay... (SOAP) Ken-Chan X: I DON'T THINK SO! *pushes a silver button* (Dark Place) Nakoruru: Wha-? Mata ne?! *Message comes on the screen: "If you are a telemarketer, or some evil bastard trying to send a bad fanfic, please hang up now! Thank you! Ken-Chan X: So there! *All inhabitants do the "be-da!" gesture, and the transmission is cut.* Dark Shadowy Figure: "I know what happened last time," he says. "It won't happen again," he says! What'd I tell you? Legato: Tell me, Dark Shadowy Figure. Why do I keep you around? Dark Shadowy Figure: Because I was the first villian in this thing? Legato: Indeed. And that's the only reason. Since we can't show them this fic, you will have to watch it with the others as punishment. Nakoruru: Aren't you going to be in there as well? Do we need to bother Kara Jade for Sephiroth again? Legato: No. *grin* there are five of you. I'm going to go practice my evil smirk. Later. *He leaves the room * Neko: You don't suppose he knows I found this... *Holds up a glossy of Midvalley the Hornfreak totally nude... except for his sax covering his naughty bits.* Miko: Nah! But just to be sure, chuck it under the cushion of his chair... Rezo: Okay, guys! I'll send you to the theatre! *Miko, Dubimon, Neko, Dan, and Dark Shadowy Figure disappear and reappear seated in that order from left to right* Dark Shadowy Figure: *sigh* Let's get this over with! >REENIE'S REAL 7TH BIRTHDAY. . . Dan: So, I guess this time she'll get it from Chibi-Chibi, Pegasus, and the cats? Dark Shadowy Figure: How would you know? You never watched it! Dan: Well, let's just say that Nakoruru told me about it... >AND SERENA'S SWEET 16TH Miko: So Serena's gonna get screwed? Dark Shadowy Figure: More or less... >A Sailor Moon Sekkushiaru Roman All: Ummm... sure... >NOTE: This story was inspired by what may be the *worst* lemon ever written: >"Chibi-Usa's 7th Birthday," Dubimon: Anyone want to debate that? *General consensus* >in which the youngest Sailor Senshi is sexually abused by each of her elders. Neko: Or, a day in the life of Miko Mido. Miko: yeah... HEY!! >I considered it a challenge to take that ugly "birthday party gone wrong" scenario >and make something *nice* out of it. Dubimon: Well, that's nice as long as this doesn't contain a lemon... >(Fear not, gentle reader, all lemon activity is between people >who are old enough. . .) Dubimon: ... crap! >Because I wanted to use the same character lineup as the original, this story >features all Inner and Outer Senshi. Dubimon: oh, so the Inner and outer senshi are gonna screw Serena? *WHAM!* >Think of it as taking place in an alternate universe from the timeline of my >fics. . . All: *Cough* Shameless Plug! *Cough* >at the point I am right now, Sailor Saturn is still a baby and the Inners and Outers are still at odds with each other. Miko: It's... WAR OF THE NAVELS! I'm using the same names for the Outers I did before: Alex=Haruka, Michelle=Michiru, Sonya=Setsuna, Heather=Hotaru. Dark Shadowy Figure: Excuse me if I'm wrong, but don't they have different names in the english-dubbed series? Dan: How do you know that? Are you a... MOONIE? Dark Shadowy Figure: No! I just read somewhere... Dan: Suuure you did... Neko: *Cough* Fanboy! *COUGH* >by Sailor Mac Dark Shadowy Figure: ... and Ryu Cheese... >"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, REENIE!" Dan: *Chibiusa* I AM NOT THE ONE CALLED REENIE! I AM KRAFF DINNA! >The little girl stood open-mouthed in Darien's doorway, looking all around her. >They *all* were there. . .Serena and Darien, Amy, Mina, Lita and Raye, Heather. . . Dark Shadowy Figure: What's with the spaces between the dots? >even Sonya, Alex and Michelle! And she thought they'd forgotten her seventh >birthday. . . Neko: And they had... it was two months later. >"WOW!" she said. "Thanks, everybody!" She ran to Darien and flung herself into his >arms. Dan: It wasn't until then that she noticed he was absolutely stark naked! As was everyone else! Long, slimy tentacles started to ooze out of their bodies... *WHAM!* Miko: SHUT UP! >"We couldn't forget something like that," he said. >"Never in a million years," Amy added. She looked around the room again, beaming >with happiness. . .And then, she noticed something wrong, something missing. . . Dan: THEIR CLOTHES! Long slimy tent-*WHAM!* Miko: ENOUGH WITH THE BLEEDIN' TENTACLES ALREADY! >"Um, guys. . .where are the presents?" Neko: *Serena* Well, we remembered your birthday... but we forgot to buy presents... >The Sailor Soldiers all looked at each other and smiled. . . "This year, we're >giving you a different type of present, Reenie," Raye said. Dark Shadowy Figure: *Raye* We're gonna RAPE you 'til you like it! Mu ha ha! Miko: No, DSF. No treats for you! Dark Shadowy Figure: Aww... >She eyed them all suspiciously. "What kind?" Miko: *Raye* Pegasus is going to strip... >"A chance to show off what you learned when you took those swimming lessons," said >Lita. Dubimon: Rats... There goes my plan to put her in a sack and throw her into the river... >Swimming lessons? Reenie thought. This does *not* sound good. . . "WHAT?" Dubimon: I do believe she said it was not good. >"You're going to get a good dunking from each and every one of us!" Serena >crowed. Dark Shadowy Figure: Well, that's better than the alternative... >Raye elbowed her in the ribs and hissed, "The *dunking* was supposed to be >a *surprise,* numbskull." Serena made a face at her. Raye made a face back. >Darien decided he'd better step in before the girls regressed to the >tongue battles they used to have. Dubimon: Their "Tongue Battles", huh? > He produced something from a bag and handed it to his future daughter. "Here. . . >put this on, go out back and wait for us. Dan: *Chibiusa* What? A miniature silk teddy? *WHAM!* Neko: Never. Say that. Again. >We'll decide who dunks you first." Reenie looked at what she'd been handed. It was >a dark blue tank suit with a big yellow Pikachu on it. Neko: *High-pitched voice* AWWWW! How Cuuuuute! Dark Shadowy Figure: Oww... My ears... >So there *were* going to be presents after all. . .and the dunking part sounded >kind of Dan: ... Kinky! >fun, actually. . . Dubimon: In a kinky sort of way... >"Kawaii!" she said. "Okay. . .I'll be right down!" Dark shadowy Figure: What's with the spaces between the dots? Dan: You said that already... >She scooted into the bathroom. >"Shouldn't she have an older person go down to the pool with her?" said Sonya. Miko: Safety conscious, aren't they? Dubimon: I dunno... Somehow I doubt they're THAT safety-conscious... What, with the plan to half-drown her... >"I'll go," Alex said. "I'll make sure she stays out of trouble." Michelle gave her >a sly smile. "Why, Alex, I didn't even know you had a maternal side." Dubimon: *Alex* I don't... I just want to make sure she drowns... er DOESN'T drown! >Fortunately for Alex, Reenie came bounding out of the bathroom at that moment, >sparing her having to think of an answer. She picked the child up piggyback-style >and said, "Come on, Reenie, let's go." Miko: *Chibiusa* But, Alex, That's the way to the bedroom... >As soon as they were gone, Serena said, "I should go first. . .I'm her mother!" All: Eew! >"She'll be *expecting* you to go first," Dark Shadowy Figure: Hell! She'll be expecting EVERYONE to dunk her! >said Lita. "What we need is a *stealth dunker!*" Neko: *Announcer* New "Stealth Dunker"! From Ben Di! >"Can I go first?" Heather said. "I'm her best friend." >"We wouldn't be *having* this converation if *somebody* had kept her mouth shut," >Raye grumbled. >"So why is it such a big deal if she knows she was going to get *dunked*?" >Serena retorted. "It's not as if we were all going to take turns doing >something *bad* to her." Dubimon: *Usagi* Like raping her... >Amy spoke up. "I think Darien should go first. He's probably the *last* >person she expects to dunk her *at all.*" Dark Shadowy Figure: THAT'S debatable... >They all looked at Darien. The choice had been made. >"Okay," he said, "let's go!" >* * * Dubimon: Looks like Asterixmon finally got to the Ultimate level... TRIASTERIXMON! >Reenie sat on the edge of the pool, kicking her feet in the water. It was >very hot and muggy that day. . .she was eager to get wet all over. All: SAAY... > But Alex said she couldn't, not until the others got there. . . >Then, she felt a familiar pair of strong arms picking her up. "Darien!" >"Hi, Teeny Reenie!" Dan: *Chibiusa* I AM NOT REENIE! I AM KRAFF DI-*WHAM!* Miko: Enough, you! >"I'm not teeny anymore. I'm seven years old now!" >"You are? Wow, that's big! That means you're old enough to. . ." Dark Shadowy Figure: STAR IN A FANFIC WHERE YOU GET RAPED! *WHAM!* Neko: DSF NO BAKA! > Suddenly, he tossed her into the water, shouting, "SWIM!" >"DUNKING NUMBER ONE!" the others yelled. >Reenie bobbed to the surface. The water had felt like a cold shock on her >hot skin at first. . .but now, it felt good. >"I'm gonna get you for that later!" she said. . .but she was laughing. >"My turn!" Raye whispered to the others. She jumped into the water holding >something. . .an inflatable pool toy in the form of a giant soda can. All: URK! Memory...of... the original... >"Come on, Reenie. . .get on this and I'll tow you around the pool." Reenie figured >she'd have it yanked out from under her right away. . .but she played along. She >hopped on the inflatable, and was surprised when Raye actually began to swim, >towing it behind her like a tugboat towing a barge. Hey, she thought, maybe I'm not >going to get dunked now after all. . . Dark Shadowy Figure: But she was WRONG!! >And then Raye said, "Look out for this bend in the river ahead. . .it's a >little SHARP!" On the last word, she tipped the inflatable so Reenie tumbled into >the water. The others shouted, "DUNKING NUMBER TWO!" >Barely had she broken the surface when she was scooped up again. . .this time by >Alex. . .and a huge beach ball was thrust into her hands. "Come on, let's play >catch. . ." Dubimon: Let's not and say we didn't... >She backed up several feet and held her hands up. Reenie tossed the ball back, >thinking. . .there's no way she can dunk me while we're doing this. . . All: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! >Then, after a few passes back and forth, Alex deliberately threw the ball out of >bounds. Reenie went after it. . .and Alex sprung up from behind and pushed her >under the water, shouting, "GOTCHA!" Miko: *Nelson* Ha ha! >The others yelled, "DUNKING NUMBER THREE!" >Alex retrieved the ball. "We're done now, you guys can use it." She tossed >it at Lita, who caught it and began her own game of catch with Sonya. >"Now, the Goddess of Love gets a turn!" Mina said, jumping into the pool. Dubimon: So, how does that bubbleheaded blonde figure she's the goddess of love? Dark Shadowy Figure: Well, Venus IS the Roman Goddess of love... Dubimon: Fanboy! *WHAM!* Dark Shadowy Figure: No. Just very well-studied in the subject of mythology. By the way, did you know that the goddesses in Oh My Goddess! are actually named after a giant, an elf and a dwarf? All males... All: Oooh... eww... >She picked up Reenie and said, "Hey. . .do you like to breast stroke?" All: *Snicker* >"Huh?" >"I know you can, I watched you in this pool before. Wanna race to that wall and >back?" Miko: *Chibiusa* Not really... I'm not THAT naive! >"Sure!" Reenie liked doing the breast stroke, which she'd always thought of as "swimming like a frog." And she was good at it. . .she left Mina trailing in her >wake, and touched the wall triumphantly. "I won!" >"And you won. . .*this!*" Mina grabbed her shoulder to pull her under. . .and >slipped on the pool bottom. Both girls went under. All: *Nelson* Ha ha! >As the others said, "DUNKING NUMBER FOUR!", Raye said, "Geez, Mina, we're supposed >to be dunking *her,* not ourselves!" Dark Shadowy Figure: Hmm... Maybe Raye should replace Ami as Mistress of the Obvious... >Michelle dove gracefully into the deep end of the pool and swam underwater to >Reenie. Popping to the surface, she said, "Reenie, do you want me to show you >something I taught Alex? It's a synchronized swimming move. . ." Dubimon: A "synchronized swimming move", eh? *WHAM!* >She turned upside-down so her legs were sticking up out of the water, then slowly >spun around, sinking into the water bit by bit as she did so. >When she came to the surface, Reenie applauded. "That was terrific!" >"Here, you can do it too. Just hold on to me. . ." >Reenie realized a split second too late what was coming. She was pulled straight >under the surface, and she popped up to hear the others yell, All: SUCKER! >"DUNKING NUMBER FIVE!" >She didn't realize that Lita wasn't among them, and had slipped quietly into the >water already. Suddenly, she became aware that the others were all softly humming >the music from "Jaws". . . Neko: Suddenly, Lita jumped out of the water in a shark suit! *others scream, spill popcorn, etc.* >. . .and Lita suddenly rocketed up from the bottom of the pool like a shark, >flinging Reenie up and back down under the surface. Dan: ...then Lita began to eat her like a shark! Dubimon: "Eat her", eh? *THWAKAAM!* Dan: That is_NOT_what I meant... >"DUNKING NUMBER SIX!" the others yelled. >Raye jumped into the water, shouting "SHAAAARK!" She pushed Lita under herself, and >Lita got up and retaliated. Mina and Serena followed suit, and soon, it was a >dunking free-for-all. Dan: Bunch of girls... in bathing suits... dunking each other... *slight nosebleed* Neko: They're only 15, pervert! Miko: Like me!... oops... >Amy, meanwhile, put an inflatable canoe that looked like a big banana into the >water, climbed in, and paddled it over to Reenie. Dan: It was long and Yeelow... >"Want to get away from that?" she said. Miko: Yes. Far far far away! >"Yeah!" Amy climbed out of the boat and helped Reenie get in, then handed her the >paddle. Reenie happily propelled it across the pool, singing the "Banana Boat >Song". . . "Day-oh, day-ay-ay-oh. . .daylight come and me wanna go. . .AAIIEE!" Dark Shadowy Figure: S'funny... I don't remember the song going quite like that... >The screech, of course, came when Amy tipped the boat over, spilling Reenie into >the water. All: Natch... >"DUNKING NUMBER SEVEN!" yelled everyone who wasn't under the water at that moment. >Someone was lifting her out of the water, out of the pool altogether. "Puu!" Dubimon: Great! Now Mokona from Magic Knights Rayearth's gonna dunk her... >"Time you had a break, Small Lady." She carried her along the edge of the >pool. Dubimon: Who's "she"? *All shrug* > "Have you been having fun so far?" >"Oh, yeah! It's been great!" >"Well, then perhaps you'll enjoy. . .*this!*" >Reenie realized they had walked onto the diving board. . .and now, Sonya Dan: Had suddenly grown tons of slimy tentacles! The others had too! Miko: *wielding a mallet menacingly* What did I say about the tentacles? Dan: ummm... "Enough with the Tentacles"? Miko: And what do you suppose is going to happen next? Dan: ummm... *Braces himself. Miko whacks him with the mallet.* >was jumping off it, with Reenie in her arms. "DUNKING NUMBER EIGHT!" the others >yelled. >Heather jumped into the water and swam over to Reenie, who had just resurfaced >after Sonya let her go. Diving under, she grabbed her friend's ankle and gently >tugged, yanking Reenie right back under the water again. Dubimon: Reenie drowned. People cheered. The end. >When both of them came up, the others shouted, "DUNKING NUMBER NINE!" Reenie >playfully pushed Heather under again, Heather came up and did the same to Reenie, >and the two see-sawed back and forth, laughing. >Finally, Serena swam over to Reenie. The time for the last dunking had come, Dubimon: Already? >and Reenie knew it. . .I'll get her before she gets me, she thought. She leapt at >Serena and pushed her under the surface. Serena, totally unprepared, came up >coughing and spluttering. >"Hey! That wasn't fair!" >"Well, it's your birthday, too! It's about time *you* got a birthday dunking!" >Serena whirled around and looked at her friends. . .who were all giggling. Even >Alex, Michelle and Sonya had broad smiles on their faces. "You know, she has a >point there," Amy said. Sailor Mercury: *Over speaker* Don't. Say it. >"Ooh! I'm gonna get you for that, Reenie!" The younger girl took off like a shot, >crawlstroking across the pool. Serena followed, the others cheering her on. She >finally overtook her future daughter and pushed her under the surface Dark Shadowy Figure: Who's dunking who? Dan: Chibiusa... no... Serena... no... Chibi Chibi... no... >as her sister Sailor Soldiers yelled, "DUNKING NUMBER TEN! YAAAAAYYY!" >Reenie came up again to the sound of applause. She laughed gleefully. >"Guys. . .this has been the best birthday ever!" she said. Miko: Better than my LAST seventh birthday, anyway... >Darien approached the edge of the pool. "So, Reenie. . .are you up for another >dunk?" >"YEAH!" she shouted, as everyone else leapt into the pool. Neko: I thought everyone else WAS in the pool? Dubimon: Just smile and nod... >* * * Dan: Well, whaddaya know... Cloud et al got hit with "small" again! >Several waterlogged hours later, Serena sat on a chaise lounge, watching the >sunset. It was finally quiet. After the raucous dunking session, she had revealed >to Reenie that everyone *had* gotten her presents after all, All: THOSE MAGNIFICENT BASTARDS! >and Darien had gone back to his apartment to fetch them and bring them down. A >poolside barbecue had followed, after which everyone had gone their separate >ways. . .Reenie to Heather's house for a sleepover, Raye back to Chad and the >temple, Dubimon: If ya know what I mean! *wink* *WHAM!* > the Outers to that coffeehouse they seemed to live in. Dark Shadowy Figure: The Outer Senshi_ARE_the cast from Friends! >And Serena was staying right here, with Darien. Dubimon: ... Setting up for sexual situations abound! *WHAM!* Well, it's true! >He finished packing away the last remnants of the barbecue, Dan: Gee, Mamoru. Did ya use just a little_TOO_MUCH_lighter fluid?! >came over to Serena and kissed her. "I'm proud of you, honey, letting Reenie have >the spotlight today when it's your birthday too. . ." Neko: *Usagi* Oh, I wasn't worried. I_KNEW_what was awaiting me, you big, hot, macho stud you... Oh God! I'm turning into a hentai! Dubimon: Weren't you already like that? Neko: Hmmm... Oh yeah! Never mind! >She shrugged. "I don't need a fancy party. I celebrated with my friends at Crown >last night. . .and tonight, all I want is to be alone with you." All: Me-YOW! >He sat beside her and drew her into his arms. "Sweet sixteen. . .but we definitely >can't say that you've never been kissed!" All: O.o;; >They both laughed. >She sighed. "I feel like I've packed a lot into sixteen years. . ." Miko: ... Most of it, food... >"Well, love, you have. You've packed more into the last two years alone than most >people experience in a single lifetime." >"Most people don't have to fight a monster with nothing but a magic frisbee. Dubimon: And they're the lucky ones... >Or rescue their friends from a UFO. Dark Shadowy Figure: When did THAT happen? *All shrug* >Or have to literally stop the end of the world." >"Regrets?" >"None. I can't imagine what my life would have been like if I'd never become Sailor >Moon. It would have been so. . . All: NORMAL?! >empty. There's been bad things about the life. . .but the good far outweighs the >bad." >He stroked her hair. He didn't want to ruin the day by telling her he'd been getting >preminitions of more bad times again. Dan: Well, that sucks... >Strange visions of a woman trapped in a mirror. . .a bizarre circus. . .and, most >puzzling of all, a tiger, a hawk and a fish. . . Miko: Further proof that drugs are bad, Mmkay! >And a winged horse. Dan: *Mamoru* Duuude! Totally surreal, man! >Always, hovering around the fringes of all those visions, a winged horse. Dark Shadowy Figure: ... And Chibiusa falling madly in love with it... >"I don't know what we're going to do with all this food, Meatball Head," he said. Neko: *Usagi* Eat it, you limey git! >"There's enough leftover salad and hamburger rolls to feed a small army. Hell, we >even have too much leftover butter." Dark Shadowy Figure: I betcha they're gonna use the butter! All: Pshyeah, right! >Butter? Hmm. . .butter had. . .possibilities. . .Her imagination began working >overtime. All: *small voices* nooo... >.< Dark Shadowy Figure: Egads... I was right... Poopies! Dubimon: BUTTER?! No_WONDER_Chibiusa's hair is pink! >"I'm sure we can think of something." >"What do you have in mind, you little minx?" Miko: I would say, but I'd probably be right... >"Oh. . .you'll see. Let's get this stuff upstairs." >* * * Dan: Snow? in the middle of July? >Once everything was packed away in his apartment, she decided to set the tone for >the evening. . . Dubimon: By stripping nude and jumping on Mamoru! *WHAM!* Then giving him a blow-*WHAM!* up doll! *WHAM!* A male one! *WHAM! WHAM!* >"I think I'd better get out of this wet bathing suit." She brazenly peeled it off, >right there in the living room. All males: *nosebleeds* >He gave her a flirtatious smile. "Aren't you going to put something else on?" Dark Shadowy Figure: Why should she? He's just gonna take it off again! >"Why? I'm comfortable as it is." She raised her arms slowly over her head, stroking >her own hair, Dubimon: Which hair? *WHAM!* >doing a bump-and-grind to the music on the radio. . . Dan: Hey! When did the radio suddenly come on? All: Noo-Nee-Noo-Noo... >"Now, don't you want your presents?" Dan: *Sean Connery* They're in my pantsh! >"Wonderful idea! I think I'll unwrap this one here. . ." She pushed his swimsuit >down and off. Dan: GAH! *faints* All: THIS IS WRONG! >"You weren't supposed to unwrap that one until last, you minx." Dubimon: GAWK! *faints* >"Oh, well. I'll just enjoy the view while I unwrap my others." Neko & Miko: OH MY! *faint* >"You're incorrigible." >"Incorrigible?" >"Never mind." >He reached behind the couch and brought out several boxes, handing her the biggest >one. She eagerly tore off the wrapping and brought out. . . Dark Shadowy Figure: *Usagi* A miniature lace Teddy? Wasn't that supposed to be for Reenie? >"Oh, Darien! It's so cute!" she said, holding up the pale pink nightgown. Dark Shadowy Figure: Meh... Close enough... >It was modest enough so she could wear it at home. . .so her parents would think >she bought it herself, or that one of her friends gave it to her. . .but it was >still beautiful, and flattering, and very womanly. Dan: *Coming to* One would certainly hope so... >"I'm glad you like it, love," he said. "I saw it in the store and thought of you >right away." >She opened the next box to find a pair of black shoes made of a soft leather, the >kind that looked like a dress shoe but felt like a walking shoe. >"They're to wear with your new high school uniform," he said. Miko: *Coming to* No shit, Sherlock! >She hugged him. "I haven't passed the exam yet!" >"You will. . .I have faith in you." >When she opened the next box, she found. . . Dan: TENTACLES! *WHAM!* >"POKEMON PLUSHIES!!!" She began lifing them out, one by one, and hugging them. >"Vulpix. . .Evee. . .Clefairy. . .Squirtle. . .and PIKACHU!" Neko & Dubimon: *Coming to* HOLY PRODUCT PLACEMENT, BATMAN! >There was something compelling, something oddly exciting, about the contrast >between the naked, womanly body and the girlishly way she was hugging the plushies, >he thought. . . All: eew... >One last box remained, a small, rectangular one. He put it in Serena's hand. "Now, >open this one, my love. . ." Dubimon: *Mamoru* It's a dildo. *WHAM!* >She did, and saw a bracelet box. Flipping back the lid, she gazed at what was >inside. . .and gasped. Dubimon: IT WAS A DILDO! *WHAMN!* "Whamn"?! Miko: It's pronounced the same as "wham". >The delicate gold chain connected a series of stones in gold settings . . .stones >that were the colors of her sister Sailor Soldiers' uniforms. Orange and blue and >green and red, navy and aqua and purple and black. . . Dark Shadowy Figure: My! That must have been expensive! Neko: Not necessarily... >And in the middle of them all were a moonstone and a turquoise. . .symbolizing Moon >and Earth. >"Oh, Darien. . ." She hugged him. "It's so beautiful. . ." >"Happy Sweet Sixteen, my love." >Later, upon closer examination of the bracelet, she would see a feature she didn't >before. . .a series of little stars between the stones. She would wonder why he >added them. . .and then feel strong psychic vibes, a sense of something important >in the future. . . >But for now, it was just her and Darien, together, alone, naked. . . Dan: Mamoru's a lucky bastard... Miko: Yeah. If this were taking place in America, where 18 is the legal age, he'd be arrested for statutory rape, pedophilia... Neko: And he'd appear on Jerry Springer! >Her mouth claimed his, fiercely, like a tigress possessing her prey. Her hands >roamed his body, passing over the flat planes of his chest, his hard All: SAAY... >stomach, his well-muscled thighs. . .She let her fingers just lightly brush over >his hardeneing manhood, and he moaned. Dubimon: Who wouldn't? >When they eased apart, she said, "Now Darien, about that leftover butter. . ." >"I have a feeling you don't intend to make shortbread cookies with it, you minx." Dubimon: Wow. He sure caught on... Miko: As far as I know, Serena can't cook. >"You just *may* be right. You'll see in a minute. . ." Dan: So she IS going to try to make shortbread cookies... Neko: Key word: TRY. Dan: Point. >She went to the kitchen to get the package. When she came back into the living >room, hewas gone. >"Darien? Where are you?" >Of course, she thought. There's only one room in the house he could have gone >to. . . Miko: Well... two, actually... >She giggled, putting the butter down so she could unfasten her hair, letting it tumble down her back. . . Dubimon: ...And promtly tripped, killing herself. The end. >She tiptoed into the candlelit bedroom, where sure enough, he was under the covers. >"What are you doing?" she said. Dubimon: *Mamoru* Masturbating... *Wham!* Dan: *Mamoru* Raping Reenie... *WHAM!* >"Waiting for you." >She put the butter on the nighttable. "Well, love. . .I won't keep you waiting." She >drew him into her embrace, crushing her mouth against his. Dubimon: And broke her jaw... >He responded eagerly, his tongue stroking and playing with hers as his hands cupped >her breasts, gently kneading and caressing them. Miko: Whoa, big fella! Slow down! >"Umm," she said between kisses. "That's good. . ." >"I'm gonna make it feel better, baby," he said. All: 0.o;; >"I'm going to make you want to scream." All: >.< >He drew her onto the bed and lay her on her back, then reached for the package All: Saaay... >of butter. Unwrapping a stick, he slid it down her neck as his mouth ravished hers, >then down toward her breasts. . . >She gasped at the feel of it sliding around on her nipple. It was chilly. . .and >soft. . .and slippery. . .and. . .and. . . *All faint* >"Ohhhh," she moaned deeply as her body heat began to melt it, the warm, liquified >butter drizzling over the curve of her breast. Darien took the stick away and began >to lap away at her, cleaning up what he had done. . .first the edges of the breast, >working toward the center. . .When he got to the nipple, he swirled his tongue >around on it, and she cried out, especially when he drew it in his lips and started >to suck. Miko: *coming to* Urg... Man, I had this bad dream where I had to watch this fanfic involving Usagi, Mamoru and butter... >She tangled her fingers in his black hair, pulling him closer, her hips moving, >trying to rub against him. . . Miko: EEK! *faints again* *others come to* Dark Shadowy Figure: urg... Is it over yet? Dan: urk... Nope. Dark Shadowy Figure: Che... >As he sucked, he started to rub the butter on her other breast, and she thought >she'd go mad. She could feel hot honey between her thighs, All: WHOA! Dark Shadowy figure: Maybe we were out longer than we thought... Dubimon: Wow! What, with the butter and honey... Neko: HOT honey... Dubimon: ... It looks like my Reason-Chibiusa's-got-pink-hair theory is proving to be true... >her heart pounding, a sweat breaking out all over her body. . . >"Darien. . .ohh, baby. . .ohh, keep doing it, yes, baby. . ." >He raised his head. "Hmm. . .looks like the butter's running low. . .I think I'll >just clean up what I did over here. . ." And he began licking her other breast, his >tongue sweeping over the curve, then flicking over her nipple. . .She moaned, >writhing beneath him as he suckled hungrily. Miko: *coming to* Who wouldn't? >When he eased his mouth away from her, she rolled him on his back and got another >stick. "This one's yours, baby," she whispered, unwrapping it. She kissed him, >gently squeezing a nipple between her thumb and forefinger with her right >hand. . .while with her left, she grasped the stick of butter and and began Dan: Is there an echo in here? >moving downward. . . >He gasped when he felt its soft slickness rubbing up and down his manhood. Miko: I'll never look at dairy products the same way again... *urk* Dark Shadowy Figure: Nor I... *grin* >Oh, Gods, he thought, no wonder she went so crazy when I did this to her >nipples. . .She swirled it in circles over the head, then leaned over to lick up >when she'd done, her little tongue moving in circles on his sensitive flesh, Dubimon: OHMIGOD! Serena's turned into a catgirl! AAAAAHHH! *Wham!* Thanks. Neko: Your welcome. By the by, what's wrong with being a catgirl? >making him feel like he was on fire. Dark Shadowy Figure: ... And he was: The Vulpix plushie was actually a REAL Vulpix! >He clutched at the bedsheets, his head rolling from side to side. . . >"Ooooohhhhh. . .that feels so good. . ." >She began to suck him, and as her head moved back and forth, she began to rub the >stick of butter on the sac beneath, and he let out a cry. Dan: Could someone explain to me how a 16 YEAR OLD knows how to stimulate a man? Neko: Well, this IS Japan, where women actually strive to stimulate their men... also, I think they might have done this before... Dark Shadowy Figure: Ya think? >The soft wetness of her mouth and the soft wetness of the butter. . .he felt himself >*very* close to coming. >Serena raised her head and got the two butter stumps. . .the remains of the stick >that Darien had used on her, and that she had used on Darien. With them both in her >hand, she grasped his shaft and began pumping up and down rapidly. . . All Males: WHOA, MOMMA!! >while her other caressed the sac, fingers slipping and sliding over the slick, >buttery surface. . . Dark Shadowy Figure: I-I just made a mess in my pants... Dan: Me too... >He shouted her name as his body, his mind, his soul were consumed by sweet, sweet >blazes, as he released himself. . . >He flopped back to the bed, panting, dazed, barely conscious of her kissing him, of >her gently cleaning him off with a warm, wet rag. . . Dubimon: It wouldn't perchance have been a pink, fleshy rag, would it? *WHAM!* >When reality came back into focus, she was kneeling on the bed next to him, legs >apart, giving him a sweet, sweet smile. Dan: Geez! Enough with the sweet sweetness! Good lord! Gonna give us all diabetes... Dubimon: Maybe it's from the hot honey... *WHAM!* >And he knew there was still one more stick of butter in the package. He sat up and >kissed her fiercely, reaching for what he wanted and unwrapping it. Darien kissed >down Serena's neck, headed for her breasts. She arched back in anticipation. . . >Then, as his mouth claimed her nipple, Neko: *Mamoru's mouth* I claim this nipple in the name of the United States of America! >she felt something lovely and unexpected between her legs. . . Neko: Vash? Sephiroth? Fabio? >a whole stick of butter being lighty brushed against her jewel and entrance. Neko: Well, that's okay, I guess... >"Ummm. . .ooooh. . .that's soo goood. . ." >Darien just held the butter still against her, and Serena began to rapidly thurst >her hips, rubbing her most sensitive flesh against that lovely stuff. Miko: Hmmm... Must have been frozen solid or something... >The sensation of it heating up and melting against her skin was strangely, wildly >exciting, and the slickness was just *incredible*. And his mouth sucking at her >breasts only added to the searing heat building up within her. She moaned with hot >delight, over and over. The butter melted away, and suddenly there was just his >fingers, his lovely, talented fingers, thrusting inside her over and over while his >thumb stroked her butter-slicked pearl. . . Miko & Neko: Whoa! >She writhed, her moans growing louder and louder and. . . Dubimon: ... louder until both their heads blew up. The end. >"AAAAHHHH!!!! YES!!!! OH, BABY!!!!" she shrieked as luscious spasms wracked her and >liquid heat roared through her veins. Dubimon: GOOD LORD! HOT SAUCE now??!! No WONDER her hair's pink! *WHAM!* Miko: You've already SAID that! >She sagged against him, and he kissed her tenderly, whispering, "Happy birthday, >Sweet Sixteen." Neko: *Usagi* And all I really wanted was a Gameboy Advance! >He eased her back down onto the bed and kissed her again. As she dozed off, he went >into the bathroom and ran water into the tub. >She's so playful, he thought, so full of creative, sexy ideas. . .I wonder if things >got this wild between us during the Silver Millennium? he thought with a chuckle. Neko: Probably not... The series IS supposed to be a kid's show... Miko: Yeah... And having Chibiusa would kind of slow the passion a bit... >He took some of the candles and moved them into the bathroom, then went to the >bedroom again, picked up his sleeping lover and gently carried her toward the tub. Dubimon: And she drowned. The End. >Serena awoke as she felt herself slide into the warm water. "Darien?" >"Thought a bath would be a good idea, love, after all that butter-soaked fun. Butter >does nasty things to condoms, you know. . ." Dan: It does? >He got a soft sponge and began to soap it. >Serena purred as she felt him gently wash her arms, her shoulders, her >neck. . .She felt so warm, so wonderfully relaxed. . . >"I love you," she whispered. "You were delicious. . .my hot buttered Muffin." >He laughed. "You were absolutely luscious. Where *do* you come up with these ideas?" >"Sometimes, I just get. . .inspired." >"Baby, I hope your inspiration *never* ends." Dan: Y'know, I bet that Serena didn't actually go to the university: I think she REALLY went to a shelter for young, teenage mothers! Dark Shadowy Figure: And where did you get THAT theory? Dan: Kara Jade. >They took turns slowly, gently washing each other, stroking and caressing the parts >that had. . .gotten especially buttery. . . All: urk! >"Oohhh," he moaned, as her soapy hands slowly, slowly stroked along his manhood. >"Ooohh. . .you'll be the death of me yet. . ." >"But Darien. . .I *have* to make sure this part of you is extra-clean. You said so >yourself. . .butter does nasty things to condoms. We can't take that chance. . ." >"I'm gonna *need* condom right away by the time we get out of this tub, you minx. . ." Neko: *Usagi* DO NOT CALL ME MINX! I AM KRAFF DINNA! Dubimon: Shouldn't there have been an "a" before "condom"? Miko: Nah... All this sex has reverted Mamoru back to a Cromagnon. >By the time they dried each other off, he did, indeed, have a full erection again. >"Now, what are we going to do with this?" he said. >She giggled. "I have ideas. . ." >"I'll bet you do." >She led him back into the bedroom, moving her hips suggestively, looking back at >him with a wink. He felt his heart speed up again. Dan: I'm sure that's not all that went up... Miko: True. >"Gods, Serena, what you do to me. . ." >They fell into each other's arms, kissing, tumbling to the bed. He gently pinched a >nipple between his thumb and forefinger, she did the same to him. Neko: Kinky! >"Aaahh," she sighed, "you know just what feels good to me, baby. . ." >"I'll bet I know what you're thinking about right now," he said. "I know exactly >what you want. . ." >"Oh?" she said. "Show me." >And then, he was pushing her legs apart, and she felt his tongue sweeping down her >neck. . .then teasing, tickling her nipples. . .then working down her stomach. . . >"I know what you want," he said, "because I know this is what you love most of >all. . ." Dark Shadowy Figure: *Mamoru* I learned about it in my dreams! >His tongue touched her jewel. . .lightly, just the slightest brush. But it was >enough to make her jump and cry out. >He licked down to her entrance, and eased his tongue deep within her, as far as he >could make it go. He wiggled it around a bit. . .making his lover shriek. >He started an in-and out thrust that made her moan and move against him, Dark Shadowy Figure: *Mamoru* Mmmrmf! -<3 >her hips pumping, urging him for more, more, more. . .He took it out, swirled it >around her folds, nibbled and kissed the soft, soft flesh. . .His hands slid up to >her breasts, finding the nipples, stroking and caressing them as his tongue slipped >inside her again. . .then flicked out and up to her jewel, rubbing back and forth >on it. . .then back inside her. . . Miko: Holy foreplay, Batman! >He took it out of her entirely and began moving it in rapid circles on her jewel, >and that pushed her over the edge. Lifting her hips off the bed, she let out a great >cry. All: *Tarzan Yell* >Darien eased away from her, went to the nighttable and got out a condom. Dubimon: Well, poop! There goes the "Reason-Chibiusa's-hair-is-pink" theory... Dan: Not to mention the "Serena-really-went-to-a-shelter-for-teenage-mothers-instead- of-University" theory... >As he prepared himself, he gazed at his lover, thinking his heart would burst with >love for her. . . >When he came back to the bed, she rolled on her stomach and got on her hands and >knees. Dan: A billion four-legged animals can't be wrong! *WHAM!* >He knew what she was after. . . All: FOOD! >she'd just had an orgasm from her pearl, and now she wanted to have one from her >G-spot. Dark Shadowy Figure: Whoa whoa whoa! Hold on a sec! Isn't the term "pearl" a reference to the clitoris? Miko: Yes... Dark Shadowy Figure: I see... I suddenly have reason to believe that the author isn't really a girl! Dan: And if Sailor Mac is reading this, and is really a girl, our utmost apologies! >He knelt behind her and she leaned back against him, making a long, low noise of >pleasure as he eased himself into her womanhood. Her sheath gripped him tightly, Dubimon: "Sheath"?! There's a new one! Miko: Not really... >as if welcoming him home. . . >"Oooh. . .there, right there, you hit it. . ." >He began to thrust, rapidly, reaching under her so he could caress her nipples as >his manhood stimulated the sweet spot deep, deep within her. . . >"Baby. . .baby. . .ohh, Darien. . ." >"Serena. . .you feel so good, baby, so, so good. . ." >His pace increased, and she thrust her hips faster, harder against him. . .the ball >of intense heat Neko: Serena_IS_Goku! > was building, building, building Dark Shadowy Figure: Sailor Mac's needle's stuck... >right at her G-spot and radiating through her whole body, any second, any second >now. . . Dark Shadowy Figure: Needle's STILL stuck... >"OHH! YES! DARIEN, I'M COMING!" she screamed, the ball of heat exploding into a >major forest fire, her whole body trembling with ecstasy. Dan: Coming soon to Fox: "The Dangers of Sex"! Miko: *Usagi* I don't understand it! One minute, we're having sex; the next, the forest was on fire! >"SERENA. . .OHHH, OHHHHHHH. . .AAAHHH!!! Every cell of his being was shot through with electricity, Dubimon: What I'D like to know is, where did Mamoru buy those Pokemon plushies?! >sweet agony, blissful release. . . >They collapsed to the bed together, and he quickly got rid of the condom so he >could hold her in his arms. Dan: It was that full, huh? *WHAM!* >"I love you, Birthday Girl." >"I love you, too." >And as she fell asleep, she said the same thing Reenie had, but for a very different >reason. . . "This has been the best birthday ever!" All: YAAY! IT'S THE END! AS LONG AS THERE AREN'T ANY... >AUTHOR'S NOTES: All: CRAP! >Thanks to my friends in the Lemon Tree, as always, for your input. And thanks to >Seth "Iron Stomach" Triggs, the bravest MSTer ever, Dark Shadowy Figure: Indeed! Dan: Who's he? Dark Shadowy Figure: He MST'd the original... I stole... err... BORROWED the story from him! All: Ooooh! >for writing the MSTing that inspired this fic. I wish I had half the guts he did >when it comes to tackling the ugliest that anime fanfic has to offer. . . Dan: Does anyone want to debate that? *General consensous* >Standard Sailor Moon disclaimers apply. These characters ain't mine, I'm just >borrowing them for a little while. Neko: Just don't scuff them! Miko: I think it's just a LITTLE to late for that, now! Rezo: *over loudspeaker* Okay! I'm going to bring you back! *All disappear* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Back in the Dark Place Control Room) Rezo: So, how was it? Miko: It could have been better with a tactical nuke at the end... Rezo: I see... How about a nice, tall glass of warm milk? All: URK! *Run out of the room, passing Legato coming in* Legato: Was it something you said? Rezo: *shrug* I guess... Legato: Never mind that. Nakoruru! Hail the SOAP. Nakoruru: Okie-dokie! *A few seconds later* Ummm... Legato? Slight problem... Legato: *sigh* What is it? Nakoruru: Ummm... It seems when they blocked our address, they also sent us a "Nuke" virus! Legato: "Nuke Virus"?! What's that do? Nakoruru: Well, umm... *Computer melts* That! Legato: Then that leaves only one alternative... Jesse: You don't mean...? Legato: Yes. FWOOSH! ==================================================================================== Season One: episode 1-13 Season Two: episode 14: SLAYERS IDIOTIC: A Parody Prequel episode 15: The Belmont Anime Geek Table Squad vs Evangelion, Macross and Gundam episode 16: Project A-ko vs. Sailor Moon episode 17: Slayers Idiotic II: NAGA'S REALLY BIG RETURN episode 18: Slayers Idiotic III: LINA IN SPACE episode 19: Slayers Idiotic IV: Lina Versus Gourry! episode 20: The Ranma Group Spends a Week At Belmont episode 21: FINAL CONFRONTATION: Slayers Idiotic V episode 22: Pokemon: Two guys, A girl, and a Pikachu episode 23: REENIE'S REAL 7TH BIRTHDAY. . .AND SERENA'S SWEET 16TH Quote o' the Day: Dubimon: BUTTER?! No_WONDER_Chibiusa's hair is pink! Oh, just a gentle reminder that my E-mail address is ken_chanx@hotmail.com! Send Fanfics, Jokes, Quotes, notes of your undying love, Flames (uh... on second thought...)